I know me, better than you know you

by Teodor Mihalcea

“Listen blue, we seem to have memory discrepancies, and not remembering the
same event might be suspicious, but remembering the event completely different
means that one of us is lying, and it definitely isn’t me. I won’t accept to die because
you shit clone won’t remember your own life, you’re not the real me, you’re the
clone, and you should die.”
“You are the clone! I’m not…listen, I remember it, I remember it all now. You
have to bel…”
“OK! Tell me about that time I took the gun, why did I first shot the kid? What
happened next?”
“I… What kid? Did I shot a…?”
“Yeah, we sure did, but you don’t remember it, even this you don’t remember,
a fucking mind bending, life scarring, memory. It was the very reason we were sent
here. It is the main reason we are being tortured right now, killing ourselves, but
you…even though you think you’re the original one, you are just a very good copy,
that might kill us both if you don’t press the button already, and accept your death.”
“But…I’m not a clone…”
“You all say that. And to all of you I say the same thing every time. You are.
But no, tell me what happened next. How was I caught?”
“I shot at the police, trying to buy time for my guys, the bombs were setting
off, the Order Officers were gaining ground on us, and…I remember something
of…I was shot, many times, was already dying, so I thought I’d slow them down
even more, with the officers being so close, by shooting myself in the head, to trigger
the explosion of my heavily rigged body. So death must’ve…not triggered the
explosion…but…then…a malfunction…no, I passed out, from the injuries, and now
I’m here, yeah. Yeah, that’s it.”
“Yeah… That’s not it, by far, and you fucking know it. We got that gun, shot
the android first, then aimed at…tried to aim at the officers, got dizzy in all the
action, the commotion, couldn’t see straight, aimed just ahead of me, shot, then all
cleared. I just shot a baby in the head, the mother holding it was crying so
desperately, she was dying from pain… But yeah, then I pointed at myself and took
me off.”
“No. I have no memory of that. It can’t be…”
“Of course, because you are the clone. Don’t you understand your memory is
flawed from the beginning? An error here, an error there, you are not perfect, not
even a perfect copy of me. So, to continue, we now exist here, so we didn’t explode,
so we didn’t die, but in this story of yours, we were full of bullet holes, then took
one to the brain also, and didn’t die? Not possible. But in my story, well, I might’ve
shot from emotion, being all dizzy, hand shaking, I could’ve shot and missed by a
lot, passed out from the pain, but a part of my brain was hit, as we can both see, some
of our memories are missing after all.”
“It’s…”
“Three more seconds on the clock. You press it, or kill us both?”
…
“Fuck!”
“Session complete, one question before sending clone 1244, do you remember
how you died?”
“I probably was taken out by a sniper of yours, right around the time I took the
gun from the android. I know that’s the last image before here, going for the gun”

“It’s not me. So don’t you look at me like that. You already lost, you’re toast.”
“I know I’m me, I have memories of before this place, but so do you, so let’s
not derail this still calm conversation with memory tricks, we both know exactly the
same thing…”
“But we don’t, don’t we? Because else, we wouldn’t have this conversation to
begin with.”
“We have this conversation for one reason only, to survive, but the decision for
one of us to die, we take ourselves, the first to believe the other takes it, and with, its
own life. What do we stand to win from this?”
 “The other lives.”
“How does this give you incentive?! Don’t you have the same memories I do?
You won’t even know if you died?”
“I know. And what was that about memory tricks? Huh?”
“You tell me. Don’t you remember killing our other selves all this time?
Sometimes taking decisions that seem so strange for us, thinking thoughts that seem
so foreign, letting out words with a voice other than ours. We both might be…”
“Shut the fuck up. OK? Let’s do this easier, I’ll play a game of your
choosing…”
“There shouldn’t be any game! This is life and death!”
“But we have a timer. And we’re close to the first quarter. And if the timer goes
to 0, so do our lives. So I’ll give you this, pick up a game, and I’ll accept it, don’t,
and I’ll pick one. I recommend rock, paper, scissors, and let fortune decide our fate.”
“It has already. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Fortune already fucked us,
long time ago, when it glinted us with that gun. Fuck fortune. We are used, and
we…”
“Are going to die, but not both must die, for your stupid beliefs.”
“What?! These are our stupid beliefs, you shit fucker. We are the same, so most
definitely, the same thoughts flow through each other.”
“Nah. I’m alive from longer than you, for sure, my conscience wants to live,
not think. I don’t care about the system, I don’t care about morality. I’m trying to
live to the next session, like I’ve done since a long…since I’ve been here. I’m the
original.”
…
“Are you though? Can you know for sure? Do you even believe yourself? Don’t
you have this feeling? This existential dread, but more enhanced?”
“No? Do you?”
“I…don’t know, but I have this feeling that we both are clones, in this series of
clones killing clones. The original died long time ago, maybe even in the first
session. I don’t know…I bet you also don’t know…so what’s the reason for all this?”
“There’s less than a minute.”
…
“Rock, paper, scissors.”
 “Huh?”
“Let’s let fortune decide then.”
“Fuck. Alright. Rock. Paper. Scissors. Go.”
“Scissors!”
“Paper!”
“So I guess it’s decided. Another one of us has to die…for something. For
what? Why should we bother, right?”
“You’d know, if you’d been the original, that there are some guys, talking with
me, with the one that survives, before the next session starts. If you’d know this,
you’d know there are reasons for all this. But you are a clone, and fortune aided you
this time… You know yourself you are the clone, your doubts, I don’t have, but you
still choose to kill me. I’m done with all this. I won’t push the button. Let us both
die, fuck it all.”
“Don’t be kidding! This isn’t a game. There are less than 10 seconds.”
“I won’t let a clone go on and live in my place!”
“3. 2. 1. Fuck!”
“Session complete. Congratulations clone 1122. Clone 1245 is rendering.
Meanwhile, we want you to know that there are 55 more sessions before a new phase
begins. If you survive till then, the clones spawning will get even your memories of
all the previous sessions. You’ll have absolutely the exact same conscience, and the
matches will be more balanced.”
“How much more?”
“If you survive to match 1422, and win it, you’ll get released back into society,
as rehabilitated prisoner 1122.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. A clone being released… Whatever.”
“Tell us, before next session, how are you winning so many matches? You are
by far the clone with most wins, with a streak of 123 matches won.”
“I’m not myself, I’m the opposite of myself, I hate who I am now, I do all that
I’m against, I am all that I’m against, my whole being is inside out, but I survive. So
that’s why I’m confused, why someone like me, who will get much worse in order
to survive till match 1422, will get released back to society? The ones that lost these
matches deserve more to be back in society.”
“Society is built by people who excel, being it in bad or good endeavours, you
excel, so you’ll change and shape society, being for good or bad, it doesn’t matter,
society is an organism that must adapt and evolve, and cannot stagnate. Without
good there is no bad, and vice versa.”

“Fuck this!”
“Woah, woah, woah! What are you doing?! Pressing that will kill you.”
“I’m going, but, if you believe me, you’ll press the button too, at the same time,
this breaks the simulation, we’ll both get out.”
“You sure?”
“I’m doing it anyways, join me if you want, continue to live in hell if you don’t.
3. 2. 1. Go!”

THE END
(of match 1422)