[Lemony Snicket]

You may think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail

And be tucked someplace, all safe and sound
Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail
His henchpeople nowhere around
[Olaf]
But there's no happy endings
Not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You dream that justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
[Poe]
You might think that two parents,
Both brave and both true
Would live 'til a nice, ripe old age
But I'm sad to say I have bad news for you:
The curtain rings down on the stage
[Baudelaires]
Yes, there's no happy endings
Not here and not now
[Olaf]
This tale is all sorrows and woes
[Poe]
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
[Lemony Snicket]
I once loved a girl, and she thought well of me.
We thought we'd be happy together
But now I'm alone, as you can well see
And she's cold in her grave forever
[Olaf]
There's no happy endings
Not here and not now
[Baudelaires]
This tale is all sorrows and woes
[Violet]
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
[Olaf]
The world is a pair of ill-fitting pants
And other dire, hideous clothes
[Baudelaires]
You may think that three children would lead pleasant lives,
But that's not how the story goes
[Lemony Snicket]
Some people smile at the end of the day
[Olaf]
Some people laugh, I suppose
[Poe]
But to me, there's nothing but gloom and despair
 That's just how the story goes
That's just how the story—
[Mr. Poe coughing]
[Sunny whistling / Poe vocalizing]
Reprise
[Violet]
You may think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail
And be tucked someplace, all safe and sound
Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail
His henchpeople nowhere around
[Violet and Olaf]
But there's no happy endings
Not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
You might think that two parents,
Both brave and both true
Would live to a nice, ripe old age
But I'm sad to say I have bad news for you:
The curtain rings down on the stage
[Violet]
Yes
[Violet and Olaf]
There's no happy endings
Not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
[Olaf]
There's no happy endings
Not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You might dream that the justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
[Violet and Olaf]
There's no happy endings
Not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes
Some people smile at the end of the day
Some people laugh, I suppose
But to me, there's nothing but gloom and despair
But that's how the story goes
[whistling]