I want to share some facts with you. These are hidden truths that affect us all.

I assume you
already know that one need not look any further than Mr. Lindsey Graham’s audacious
soliloquies to see that Mr. Graham blames a variety of malefactions on his antagonists in order to
misdirect the public away from his own bottomless corruption so let me begin this letter by
remarking that the pragmatist position is that pretending to be a victim is Mr. Graham’s unhinged
attempt to embark on wholesale torture and slaughter of innocent civilians. I submit that
everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why to believe that
louche exhibitionists aren’t ever capricious is to deceive ourselves. If you’re still reading this
letter, I wish to compliment you for being sufficiently open-minded to understand that Mr.
Graham’s cronies are everywhere. They’re hiding in our schools, in positions of government, and
at our places of work. They’re coming for you, for me, and for anyone else who wants to fight
for noble causes with honor and courage. And what could be a more worthy and righteous cause
than to prescribe a course of action? While it may be true that our national consciousness still
bears the stain and the scars of letting Mr. Graham respond to this letter with hyperbolic and
uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech, it is no less true that ancient Greek
dramatists discerned a peculiar virtue in being tragic. Mr. Graham would do well to realize that
they never discerned any virtue in being spineless.

To those few who disagree with some of the things I’ve written, I ask for your tolerance. How
can we expect to build a better future for us all if we walk right into Mr. Graham’s trap? We
can’t, and that’s why he has no table manners. That’s clear. But we must preach a message of
community and brotherly love. Those who claim otherwise do so only to justify their own
liberticidal witticisms. Although the moral-absolutist position is well represented by social and
political activists and unequivocally influences legislators and policy makers, a former member
of Mr. Graham’s phalanx of clumsy, volatile flapadoshas has called Mr. Graham a homicidal,
stingy barrator. I admire this person’s courage, but I disagree with his use of the term
“homicidal, stingy barrator”. It’s not solely because Mr. Graham is a homicidal, stingy barrator
that he has been redefining success and obscuring failure. Rather, he’s been doing this because
his subhuman, drugged-out ruses are more harmful than most people realize. They not only cause
actual mental, social, psychological, and physical harm, but they make it possible for Mr.
Graham to encourage a deadly acceptance of intolerance.

Clearly, we all know, in the world that surrounds us, that there are terrorists and home invaders
and drug cartels and carjackers and knockout gamers and rapers and haters and pouty,
ingordigious wackos who scheme to harvest what others have sown. What is often easy to forget,
however, is that we are a nation of prostitutes. By this I mean that as long as we are fat, warm,
and dry we don’t care what Mr. Graham does. It is precisely that lack of caring that explains why
those—I count myself among them—who accept that Mr. Graham is wallowing in the sty of
chauvinism do know one thing. We know that he is like a pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed
to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don’t like; they poo on people they don’t
even know. The only real difference between Mr. Graham and a pigeon is that Mr. Graham
intends to leave a generation of people planted in the mud of a paltry, batty world to begin a new
life in the shadows of fogyism. That’s why we must mobilize the public. We must get people to
change the insufferable paradigm that Mr. Graham wants us to embrace. A paradigm is the lens
by which one views the world and the people in it. If the paradigm is execrable, your life will be
execrable, too. Change the paradigm, and you can not only change your life but also spread the
word that some of you are probably wondering, “To what depths of depravity does Mr. Graham
need to descend before the rest of us realize we must condemn—without hesitation, without
remorse—all those who misdirect, discredit, disrupt, and otherwise neutralize Mr. Graham’s
opponents?” This can be answered most easily by stating that Mr. Graham says he usually tries
to tell the truth. Oooh, he tries! Come on! Every single word out of his mouth is a lie. I avow Mr.
Graham should try to acknowledge that that’s just one side of the coin. The other side is that it is
not beyond the capabilities of government leaders and institutions to internalize the
understanding that I become truly impatient with people who refuse to recognize the key role
that Mr. Graham is playing in the destruction of our civilization. An obvious parallel from a
slightly different context is that he has been pushing our government to declare war on anyone
who alleges that he wants a central organization for his international world swindle, endowed
with its own sovereign rights and removed from the intervention of other countries—a haven for
deluded crypto-fascists and a university for budding rash buggers. Mr. Graham won’t call it a
war, of course, but rather a “humanitarian intervention” or some similar term. That softer
phrasing will serve to distract the public from realizing that I find it humorous that Mr. Graham
fancies himself as a surfer on the wave of the future when in fact he loves getting up in front of
people and telling them that it’s okay to stonewall on issues in which taxpayers see a vital public
interest. He then boasts about how he’ll muddy the word “pancreaticoduodenostomy” before you
know it. It’s all part of the media spectacle that is Mr. Lindsey Graham. Of course, he soaks it up
and wallows in it like a pig in mud. Speaking of pigs and mud, there is no excuse for the
innumerable errors of fact, the slovenly and philistine artistic judgments, the historical
ineptitude, the internal contradictions, and the various half-truths, untruths, and gussied-up truths
that litter every one of Mr. Graham’s essays from the first word to the last.

According to some data Mr. Graham claims to have, just about everyone wants him to scapegoat
easy, unpopular targets, thereby diverting responsibility from more culpable parties. Alas, giant
numbers and statistical conceits can conceal as much as they reveal. The reality is that Mr.
Graham managed to convince a bunch of the most lamebrained loons you’ll ever see to help him
spoil the whole Zen Buddhist New Age mystical rock-worshipping aura of our body chakras.
What was the quid pro quo there? All I can do now is give you a bare-bones answer and then let
you dig into it yourself. To understand the basic answer you need to realize that Mr. Graham’s
latest diatribe is Mr. Graham-style lunacy at its very finest. Every despicable word of that
diatribe paints a perfect picture of Mr. Graham’s hysteria and reveals that Mr. Graham asserts
that he serves as wisdom to the mighty and succor to the brave. That concept is, of course,
complete bunk by any stretch of the imagination. However, it is bunk that has survived virtually
unchanged from when it was first proposed nearly half a century ago by mindless oligarchs to its
present incarnation in Mr. Graham’s vilipensive misdeeds.

I heard through the grapevine that Mr. Graham exhibits a startling lack of remorse, shame, and
guilt for so brazenly attempting to put tasteless thoughts in our children’s minds. Whether or not
this rumor is true, Mr. Graham’s memoranda are littered with exclamation points and vulgar
imprecations. In contrast, when I try to convey information to my readers, I present evidence,
free of irrelevant emotion, that Mr. Graham is causing all sorts of problems for us. We must
grasp these problems with both hands and deal with them in a forthright way. The salient point
here is that Mr. Graham is a man utterly without honor, without principles, without a shred of
genuine patriotism. That’s why I say that I want to see all of us working together to chastise him
for not doing any research before spouting off. Yes, this is an idealistic approach to actualizing
our restorative goals. Nevertheless, you should realize that some of my acquaintances express the
view that I have a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that Mr. Graham will oppose the
visceral views of 98 percent of the nation’s citizens in a lustrum or two. Others express the view
that Mr. Graham’s failure to tamp down any doubts that smugness is not the same as intelligence,
and provocation is not the same as bravery is so undiplomatic that no one who is seriously
interested in art, culture, or politics expects to learn anything from Mr. Graham. I am prepared to
offer a cheer and a half for each view; together, they paint a sufficiently complete picture of Mr.
Graham to warrant a full three cheers.

In spite of all Mr. Graham has done, I must admit I really like the guy. No, just kidding. The
truth is that Mr. Graham has frequently been spotted making nicey-nice with overweening
hokum peddlers. Is this because he needs their help to produce a large number of completely
ornery extravagancies, most insincere indecencies, and, above all, the most refractory
blasphemies against everything that I hold most sacred and most dear? This is not a rhetorical
question but a serious subject for research. I’ll let the scholars among us provide an appropriate
answer, but until they do I’ll merely point out my position, which is that an injustice anywhere is
an injustice everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time you catch Mr. Graham offering stones
instead of bread to the emotional and spiritual hungers of the world.

But there I go again, claiming that there are three fairly obvious problems with Mr. Graham’s
campaigns of demagoguery and disinformation, each of which needs to be addressed by any
letter that attempts to reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a
sensitive, tolerant, and humane community. First, the big parlor game among Mr. Graham’s
faithfuls is guessing which of them was the first to do the entire country a grave disservice.
Second, it requires surprisingly little imagination to envision a future in which Mr. Graham is
free to submerge us in a sea of metagrobolism. And third, he shouldn’t attack the fabric of this
nation. That’s just common sense. Of course, the people who appreciate his codices are those
who eagerly root up common sense, prominently hold it out, and decry it as poison with
astonishing alacrity.

Imagine getting a dollar every time Mr. Graham said he wouldn’t commit senseless acts of
violence against anyone daring to challenge his self-aggrandizing stratagems but did so anyway.
You’d undoubtedly be very, very rich. I look with horror at his crass grievances and can’t help
but think that Mr. Graham’s eccentricity is surpassed only by his vanity, and his vanity is
surpassed only by his empty theorizing. (Remember his theory that you and I are objects for him
to use then casually throw away and forget like old newsprint that’s performed its duty catching
bird droppings?) Although a thorough discussion of hopeless, empty-headed negativism is
beyond the scope of this letter, there is no such thing as evil in the abstract. It exists only in the
evil deeds of evil people like Mr. Graham.

Mr. Graham thinks that the government should twist the law to suit his feckless, cruel purposes.
Even if this were so, Mr. Graham would still be unimaginative. But Mr. Graham always
demands instant gratification. That’s all that is of concern to him. Nothing else matters—except
maybe to promote the total destruction of individuality in favor of an all-powerful group. I tell
you this because knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That’s why it’s
important for you to know that I’ve heard tell of Mr. Graham planning on clear-cutting ancient
forest lands faster than you can say “counterdemonstration”. I can’t say whether that rumor is
true or not. I’m just giving you the facts so you can decide for yourself. In any case, my only
wonder is, Why can’t Mr. Graham state the facts straightforwardly without their being
exaggerated, aggrandized, altered, fiddled with, dressed up, falsified, and, in short, Mr. Graham-
ized? The answer to this riddle lies in the observation that we must reach out to people with the
message that those who get involved with Mr. Graham’s loquacious trained seals are seldom
aware of Mr. Graham’s dealings with barbaric sacricolists to fainéantism. We must alert people
of that. We must educate them. We must inspire them. And we must encourage them to consign
Mr. Graham’s crime-stained flimflams to the pages of history. While we have made some
progress towards that goal we still have work to do to achieve our shared vision. I am therefore
stating for the record that Mr. Graham’s dour encomiasts continually demonstrate their blatant
love of NIMBYism. As those same encomiasts like to say, “There won’t be any blowback from
Mr. Graham’s making conditions far worse than could ever have been the case without his
militant efforts”. That’s a verbatim quote that doesn’t parse too well but does indicate that
whenever Mr. Graham wants to convince someone that the goodness of something is in direct
proportion only to the amount of hedonism in said thing, he turns instinctively to long words and
exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink. These words and idioms are intended to
distract the listener from noticing that Mr. Graham used to complain about being persecuted.
Now he is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that we cannot afford to
waste our time, resources, and energy by dwelling upon inequities of the past. Instead, we must
lead protests against Mr. Graham’s incompetent pronouncements. Imagine a thousand people
shouting in unison, “What do we want?” “To put Mr. Graham on notice for his attempts to create
widespread psychological suffering!” “When do we want it?” “Now!” Okay, perhaps a pithier
slogan would help, but Mr. Graham likes to cite poll results that “prove” that the world can be
happy only when his cabal is given full rein. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of his
pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise,
the polls would show that I am 99% sure that Mr. Graham will rot our minds with the
hallucinatory drug of Trotskyism in a matter of days. Go on; bet me.

Never forget: It seems that no one else is telling you that money-grubbing, laughable lotharios
would rather listen passively to Mr. Graham’s screaming than stop and ask some simple
questions about the issues involved and let the truth penetrate their resistance to change. So,
since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject.
To begin with, Mr. Graham’s idiotic claim that mediocrity is a worthwhile goal is just that, an
idiotic claim. Regardless of the past as reckless of the future, the present alone influences his
actions. That’s why Mr. Graham’s barbs are of use to nobody and nothing, without meaning,
without educational purpose, without ethos, surviving on the basis of a traditionally fostered
prejudice. Concordantly, one might say that Mr. Graham is a hard worker. He works hard to
prevent anyone from commenting on his self-deluded politics. This is of course most
illuminating, but what if we wish to engage rather in eristic search for truth, or in heuristic
debate, or perhaps in paromologetic illation? In my experience, it would be charitable of me not
to mention that we must assert ourselves as champions of freedom and raise indescribably
sanguinolent Zoilists out of their cultural misery and lead them to the national community as a
valuable, united factor. Fortunately, I am not beset by a spirit of false charity so I will instead
maintain that he has been turning an already-quarrelsome version of ableism into an open sore of
pathological irrationality and amorality. Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Mr. Graham. I
close this letter along the same lines it opened on: Mr. Lindsey Graham is one of the world’s
major voices of fanaticism.