The Wakandan Prime: A [LEG]acy of the [END]emic Journey Comment [g1]: Title doesn’t make

sense. “Endemic” is inappropriate word to

use in this article’s context.. Please check
I have spent my entire life battling and clashing. But now that I'm gone, who will fight for my color?
a dictionary first for meanings.

Comment [g2]: Who is the speaker

Chained. Grasped. Shackled.
here? It was not established in the
Looking at the melancholic eyes of our race is a kaleidoscope of excruciating pictures. Pictures of pain, a beginning. Why is it in first person? Is this
series of tears, an image of endless fears. I tried to divert my sight away from all of these, but a crying a testimonial of the author?
voice is tumultuously whispering the pair of ears I have to keep watching.
Use only first-person perspective if the
author is telling the story as an eye-
For years, my ancestors were stripped off their heritage. Some were sold from merchants to merchants. witness account , a testimonial narrative.
Some were to live their lives in slavery. Injustice has been a haunting ghost for all of us. Discrimination has
Comment [g3]: No word such as
been a dreadful phantom burning our maltreated dignity into dust. Arms were gripped. Mouths were melancholic. There is only melancholy,
gagged. Stifling us from blaring the dirty truths of the tricky thugs. but is inappropriate adjective for this.

Comment [g4]: Excruciating is used to

But abaft all the urgencies and clamorous call, we have appealed, the judgmental eyes of the crowd still describe the degree of pain. Please don’t
appear to wound and tear. It was not buried. It was not forgotten. Worse, it got grisly and grisly; serving use words that are “drop dead”, those
used to stun your reader with a strange,
as a platform to kill my beloved ethnicity.
unfamiliar vocabulary. Journalism uses
... [1]
Comment [g5]: What is going on
However, the laws have started to evolve when the 20th century dawned upon us. Someone fought for us
here? Why this scenario? Where is this
in the States, let us step into the same ranks as the White students. The Clinton 12 Desegregation has taking place? Am I supposed to guess
paved the way into history as the first twelve brave souls of Blacks faced prejudice in the American where and what and why is this thing
... [2]
academic system. Bobby Cain was the first Black child who graduated in Clinton High School, a true Comment [g6]: While the grammar is
pioneer that became the inspiration of many Black children in the world. For how many years, we have impeccable, there is no clear reference to
proved ourselves to the Whites that the likes of us also deserve to live life as what humans should be whose ancestors/race/etc. If you are a
real person speaking, how did you know
living like. But some of them are still unopened. Some of them still consider us aliens. We have tried to do ... [3]
almost everything. But it seems like we will forever be treated as nothing. Comment [g7]: Again, what word is
this? Readers don’t have the luxury of
time to check WTF a new word is, unless
Recently this year— objectively, this kind of brutality against black people happens almost every single you explain it to them.
year— reported cases of atrocities committed upon my race has been a sultry matter; calling an urge to
Comment [g8]: This becomes
consider that Black Lives also Matter. questionable when framed into the
American politics of segregation. Is this
"I can't breathe", whimpered George Floyd. My feet were glued on the ground while one of my relevant to us? Why not frame the ... [4]
consanguine seemed to plunge into the pit of possible death. I couldn't even move a single muscle. I Comment [g9]: This quote, while
couldn't even take a single blink. Two policemen arrested him but in an unusual yet raging way. While commendable, does not validate the
handcuffs should be enough to apprehend a person, one White officer named Derek Chauvin knelt on the article as a feature. Who is George Floyd?
Why is he relevant to this article? The
... [5]
neck of the African-American; pleading for his life but to no avail, was only heard but not listened to until
he ran out of breath right then and there. Comment [g10]: Again, the use of
difficult words. It hinders the reading
rather than help the reader discover
Only for an alleged counterfeit 20-dollar bill, a life that had no cost was taken away. meanings.

Comment [g11]: The shift from

It tore my heart to see my people fighting for their lives amidst violence and racism. The atrocities that narrator to George Floyd’s perspective is
happened to my keen were like spears shot right through my body. Centuries have passed and the harsh jarring. The reader is not prepared.
wounds that were supposed to heal just continue to be refreshed and repeated. Breona Taylor and Elijah Comment [g12]: This is so overly
McClain also became victims of this. A humble nurse who dedicated her life to the people, in disregard of melodramatic. My cold marble heart is
their color. A gentle boy who plays his violin for stray kittens. unmoved. “Bitch, I don’t care what ... [6]

Comment [g13]: Again, why insert

Are these the characters in which you see us fight? No, these are people of this world who live like names that you give no full context for?
My editor would have beheaded me if I
everybody else. did this to my article. Also, I begin to... [7]
With regard to what happened with my brothers and sisters who lost their might without even using a
single strength to fight, people started to speak with us. People, no matter what color and culture they Comment [g14]: Grammatically
have, started to use their voice in screaming cacophony that shows sympathy with our personal matters. incoherent, the clause before is long-
winding and misleading.
They started to use their voices on fighting this battle with their #BlackLivesMatter on a certain battlefield
wherein no blood should scatter and no violence could hinder— the social media sites such as Facebook
and Twitter. With this, we are no longer just blacks. For we are now the people who'll turn the said Comment [g15]: This should have
happenings into a game-changer that would lead us to play a preeminent act. been the focus of the feature article – the
use of social media platforms to drum up
an advocacy like #BlackLivesMatter. This
In a sudden turn of events, it wasn't just us who had enough of the mistreatments. People all over the is the only sensible thing that I have
world heed to our voices. Their eyes were opened and now they see us; witnessing the importance of our reader here.
lives, cherishing the beauty of diversity. Comment [g16]: Again, check first the
dictionary before using the word.
A true king does not leave his people behind. Even when I'm now on the afterlife, I left a mark that will be Comment [g17]: Monologue galore.
engraved until the end of time. In the age where our race is deemed as weak and undignified, I did not Like Damaso preaching to a bunch of
emerge to be a hero just for the act and lines. I became a hero for the whole world to know that we are Filipino parishioners.
here—we exist and we demand basic human rights. Comment [g18]: This only becomes
credible if the writer is:
I am Black Panther.
a. African/African-American, or part of
the Colored peoples, with a major role
We are Black Panther. in its emacipation from colonization,
slavery etc.
b. The real living version of the Black
The hero of the burdened. The warrior of the saddened. The fighter of the needy. The hinder to the
Panther
greedy. You might consider us as the plague threatening your "superiority". But we already have learned
Comment [g19]: Why introduce
to stand up and fight for ourselves. To manifest that no skin color should ever be humiliated. And to show
yourself only now?! And there’s not much
to people what the land of warriors and hunters is truly capable of. to say for an introduction, really.

Unchained. Released. Free.

Looking at the rhapsodic eyes of my race is a kaleidoscope of euphoric pictures. Pictures of hope, a series
of equity, an image of endless unity. I centered my sight to all of these beautiful things, and then I saw a
rainbow happily taking a glimpse behind the joyous clouds; parading freedom to my precious kingdom.

Yes, I have spent my entire life battling and clashing. And now that I'm gone, I know Wakanda will fight
for its color, for its culture, and for its right, until the bright days will no longer be as DARK as the pitch-
BLACK night.

(#)
Comments
 It reads like a speech/eulogy or monologue rather than a journalistic feature
 It lacks the necessary quotations or references that are expected to validate the humanity and reality of
the subject
 It lacks coherence, unity of ideas presented. While the ideas are grand, they don’t hold much water.
 It reads like a patchwork, the ideas don’t seem to come from one mind. Parang Japanese rengga.
 While the grammar is generally acceptable, the writer’s vocabulary use makes me question his mastery
of the language. Is he thinking in Filipino and writing in English? Because there is a great disconnect
and it’s obvious. The use of “quiz bee words” in the articles deters me from understanding the context
of the sentences. I’m not here to learn new words from an article. I’m here to read about the issue in
 the article that is so distracting with its sapping melodrama, the multiple voices that mislead me with
their hysterics.
 And there are still problems with verb tense (the past, present and future are all in one time frame),
voice/perspective (narrator to mysterious African-American George Floyd to Black Panther).

POINTS FOR IMPROVEMENT

 Choose one focal point. Are you writing about #BlackLivesMatter? About George Floyd? About Black
Panther or its actor? Then write about ONLY ONE OF THEM.
 Populate your article with quotes from credible people – subject matter experts, eye-witnesses, relatives
of the subject, etc. Don’t rely on one motherhood statement like “I Can’t Breathe” – it’s never enough.
In fact, write with half of the article as a weave of paraphrases and direct quotes.
 Remove the literary or fictive element here. Feature is about real people feeling things, not about
feelings of the author insisting themselves on their readers. Unless you remove this, this will never be a
feature article – but a literary monologue that’s neither poetry, fiction, play nor essay.
Page 1: [1] Comment [g4] glenda 9/7/2020 10:21:00 PM
Excruciating is used to describe the degree of pain. Please don’t use words that are “drop dead”, those used to
stun your reader with a strange, unfamiliar vocabulary. Journalism uses the most common words. Only veteran
writers employ difficult vocabulary because his readers are as intelligent as him.

Page 1: [2] Comment [g5] glenda 9/7/2020 10:18:00 PM

What is going on here? Why this scenario? Where is this taking place? Am I supposed to guess where and what
and why is this thing happening? Is this an exercise in prophecy or divination ala Nostradamus?

Page 1: [3] Comment [g6] glenda 9/7/2020 10:24:00 PM

While the grammar is impeccable, there is no clear reference to whose ancestors/race/etc. If you are a real
person speaking, how did you know by experience what happened to your ancestors, unless you are
reincarnated or a ghost that has taken over a living person.

Page 1: [4] Comment [g8] glenda 9/7/2020 10:27:00 PM

This becomes questionable when framed into the American politics of segregation. Is this relevant to us? Why
not frame the segregation between the people of Tagalog and Bisaya? Of Lumad and Settler?

Page 1: [5] Comment [g9] glenda 9/7/2020 10:29:00 PM

This quote, while commendable, does not validate the article as a feature. Who is George Floyd? Why is he
relevant to this article? The readers would like to know why he is important to this article.

Page 1: [6] Comment [g12] glenda 9/7/2020 10:32:00 PM

This is so overly melodramatic. My cold marble heart is unmoved. “Bitch, I don’t care what happened to the
mothafucka!” would have been the reaction of your reader.

Page 1: [7] Comment [g13] glenda 9/7/2020 10:34:00 PM

Again, why insert names that you give no full context for? My editor would have beheaded me if I did this to my
article. Also, I begin to question the intention of the writer. Does he pleasure himself with the idea of his readers
crying over his article?