' NEW STUFF! Pius CLASSIC REPRINTS!Stahl LEE Prscents In This tesue: OKAY... NAME TWO GOOD THINGS ABOUT ADRIENNE BARBEAU ...WELL? Escape From Fun City (A Crazy Movie Parody) 6 CRAZY GROSS ENCOUNTERS. Part 1: Deliverance 12 Part 2: The Blemish : 22 Part 3: Shark! 28 ‘SUPER SPECIAL wen ogg ree ; April, 1982 Partt 17 LARRY HAMA editor Pattiiar a st SULLY agar oa oe oe a NESE He nade Seer tet plane ver fae MARIAN STENSGARD typography Obnoxio The Clown Fun Pages 20 ee ae orem ‘THEA KERMAN assistant counsel MULTI-MEGATON MIRTH BOB LARKIN cover artist Aunty Nuke 2 GRAMME Cicer soe nna tbe rasrecaed ‘The Eleventh Hour Special 26 FRANKI SIENKIEWICZ accident prone BERNIE SCHIFF scenic aerial tours MURDEROUS MINORS IN MOTION JIM SHOOTER editor-in- ‘The Kinetic Kids 23 (CRAZY CONTEST #91! "Nutt Said 32 RETREAD FUNNY Sumtur The Tenant .rnone san CRAZY CLASSICS ‘Stupid Stories illustrated 38 Upsidedown Adventure (Another Crazy Movie Parody) For Sale Distention University Mudge The Manicurist 22 ‘THESE JOKES WERE ONLY USED BY LITTLE OLD LADIES ON THEIR WAY TO CHURCH ‘Crazy Looks At A Used Car Lot 42 STONEAGE SILLINESS The Brownstones 51 ‘THE KIDS’ EDUCATIONAL SHOW THAT PREPARES YOU FOR ADULT TV LIKE FANTASY ISLAND AND LOVE BOAT ‘Seizedsum Street (ACrazy TN. Parody) 59 WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BELONG TO A ‘SELECT GROUP OF BOYS WHO WEAR MATCHING OUTFITS AND CARRY KNIVES? ‘Special Bonus! The Boy Sprout Handbook 65 (CRAZY WAGAZINE® Vol. 1 No. 85, Apt, 1982 asus, Published monthly by MARVEL COMICS GROUP, 75 Madiaon Avenue, New York, N.Y 10022. James E. Galton, ‘resignt Stan Lae, Pubtaher haa conon ie Present Pubianr'y i Seman Vem Presser, Prodscton Secon Case posape pas tw var ft andes Estalmating oes’ (U8 8378490), Poetmaater cond al nitroan change lomo CRAZY Subscipio Gop co above sure Pian fl Lape copy ate ang Canaoa ‘eben upd nCALY thon an sorts Ay sry Seimen Roma ensign tn War ars pun 2 ey Elders The odors nether accept na responses unsnicedsubmseon 20 G0 Youre 3 ver and save your eam money. Aiwa, oes anes, 290 OMe" Ye peope nsec sgnang ntoca he rope of Marve! Conse Group Foteve" Nave ise seen agen Gor evenask you ws ho Gonoxa s Abuse Coun wo 901 Jousonsat yeu terete errata oh enh i ont uy Tuto baconough acm we dea Aen endo kh savas {he Brownstones please addtoas al nate malo Brow-siorea Complon’ Depo" Speeae oly and or subse phon cancelanon Copyright “1982 Merve! Comes ropa casas ening Sorprnton eee Te fin ay ttn ep sar garam sacar gal ease deututod nary cr tts comc rani enor ror ns din conn Abana ibe addreaned ofa Shakin Vice Present of Gratton, "mayne around muonGREAT CAESARS PALACE Dear Crazy. Your version of SOOPURB! Superman II was Todd Kelly Toronto, Ontario P.S.: Doesn't Obnoxio ever wear a Suit with ‘ut food stains all over it? [Not ithe can belp it. Dear Crazy 7 Your magazine is TRASH! “Sooperman Too!” was arip-off! Your Fantasy Vs. Reality pazes should be thrown into Lake Michigan’ In fact, your, whole magarine should be thrown info Lake Michigan! Ea. Robert Lesh Cron, CA. Dear Crary In issue #81. your “Sooperman Too!” was super. Teen Hulk was terfic, and | al ‘ways like your Aunty Nuke. "Night Of The Living Hand” was grossly 2008 Desires Pierier Drew. MS. Dear Crary iked“Soopermian Too!™. Iwas dumb. but it was not like the movie. 1 especially Tiked "Night Of The Living Hand” and MUSH, Brian Deavers Hobenwald, TN Dear Crazy I read issue #81. “Sooperman Too! was one of the dumbest parodies I've ever read in your magazine. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!! But T did enjoy Night OF The Living Hand” and Teen Hulk Those two pieces were pretty good. Oh, and I can't forget "M.U-S.H. In Vietnam”, that was okay Andy Kaen New York, N-Y Dear Crazy think your magazine should be taken off the shelves! In issue #81, “Sooperman Too!” stunk! And I mean really stunk! The producers of Superman IT should sue. The fonly thing that might help would be to fire Paul Kupperterg Dave Butistelli Hopkins. MN Crary issue #1 had a movi parody of Super rman It Fe bcenreadig your magane for tte and that prod a the Toast ome Set! The arstand writer were ba” Jason Maggi BonelscA, Don‘ let Santa find out about that 7 Dear Crazy Tike You (sic) books 1 think ed at both Superma read by Lois Lane looked st cover him three bad guys looked like muscle Shaun McClintock APOCKCRYPHAL NOWLAND Dear Crazymen, Thave recently read issue number 81 fone heck of 4 goo! upon n”. You called Klinger a sergeant instead of a corporal, and you also called Colonel Potter a general instead of a ‘colonel. Let's getit right next time. huh guys? Dan Glozewski Eagle, WS. We haven't the heart tote him. —Ea FANTASY'S REALITY RAVE Dear Crary Thought issue #81 was excellent! The Fantasy Vs. Reality pages were great! So was, The Kinetic Kids. Your magazine is. 100% better than Cracked, and 75% beiter than Mad. Keep up the good work David Doyle Granada Hills. CA GREAT STUFF TO READ FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING crazy Tjust finished reading one af your ol is sues, Do you know that there was nota smile fon my face? Do you know I sat through the whole magazine sean NO right toprint such tasteless Ts there something wrong with me for laughing? Teried for three hours because ‘could not believe that I would even bother to buy that magazine! Now I can’t face my fam ily and friends! I can't! I'm just so ashamed? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW?!? Yoo all are mean, nasty. hateful selfish. and uncaring! You just don’t care about ‘other people! You'll hear trom me again! Fhate You and your magarine! Melissa Giacoppi New City. NY(CROCK AND ROLL Hello Larry” by Frank Titone Toll the truth, the only reason I bought Crazy # $1 was to see my letter in print. T've Timited my aumber of graphic fiction series since your price increases and Crizy's now costing the price of this month's Avengers and half of next month’s Fron Man ist hep ing much, Gee, you guys print anthi Even missives fom an admitted non-fan of this series (0 prefer Mad magazine and pizza to Cracy. and purchase only the latter regu Tarly)" And my Tetets are usually in serious vein: I'm just as witty here asin ny diatribes to DeMatteis and salutations to Sterno, Frank Titone Brooklyn, N-Y 1s this making any sense 10 anyone out Is anybody awake? Hello? —Ed. there Not-So-Deat Sirs ‘Your magarine is like “Fridays”; a rip. off of another good thing. How dare you guys tty to be like Mad?!? They're number one and Yyou know it, Here's small ist of complaints About issue #81 Lousy illustrations You made fun of Massachusetts You made fun of Hellen Keller, one of the greatest people ever to live, and aot more talented than anyone on your staff!" ‘Night Of The Living Hand” —dumb, Last, but MOST IMPORTANT... Pat Benatar is no tart! She is the best female singer ever! You guys really stink. This is the Sexiest, most talented woman alive, and you ‘make fun of her! I justean't comprehend your sense of humor. Making fun of Stevie Won: der because he’s blind?"? That's low!!! Oh T suppose you need every cheap shut you can get T sincerely hope you print this leter, ‘cause maybe I'll buy that sue! In fact, the only thing I ike about your magazine ts THE HATE MAIL! ‘A Pretty Disgusted at Benatar Fan From Massachusetts Bob Williams PS: PAT BENATAR IS NO TART YOL JERKS!!! DREADED DIGITAL DUMBNESS. Dear Crazy hate you! Especially The Finger Family ‘episode in issue #81. It scared my sister half to death, I ike Mad and Cracked better than the garbage you use. T hope your magazine Des ol the matket Denise Scamp Long Beach, CA Dear Crazy. What's the matter? Issue #81 realy was gross, I did not like The Finger Family. in fact I hate i! I really like Crazy. so take out the junk! Larry L Kappes Superior. WS. Dear Crazy, In response to the end of “Night OF The Living Hand” in issue #81 Ithe final fate of the Finger Family] 2 good thought would be tw have Index anid Pinky to turn around and see Uncle Otto coming after them. So, Index and Pinky run for theit lives. After a long run they come across a hardware store. Index runs in and buy’ five feet of rope and some anti-radiation spray When he (Index) comes out of the store. he sees a large tee and climbs it, Pinky gets be hind the tree with the can of spray to surprise Uncle Otto, Uncle Otto is on his way 0 the tree, the children are watching him closely ‘As Uncle Otto comes up to the tree, Index drops alooped rope around Unlee O1o"s mid dle Fingers and pls him up about twelve in ches off the ground. Then Pinky comes out from behind the tee and sprays Unice Otto, who then decays. Then everyone lives hap. pily ever after in Harrisharg, Pennsylvania, Bryan L. Spake Lincolnton, N.C Thought that up all by yourself. huh Bryan? Why?—Ed, OBNOXIO’S ABUSE COLUMN Dear Obnoxio, | don't think | should pick on your par- cents after they went through the trama of being beat up by the neighbors after you were bor. | won't even make fun of you by saying something tke when you 930 the beach the tide won't come in, of like you're the only 56 year-old man whose ‘mother wants an abortion. | won't even say anything about the time you were. rested for scaring all the people out of the leper colony. Well, that's about all, you low-lile sleaze-ball. Soon, Il write you again, and ot say things like you re so ugly you once asked a gif! to marry you, and she said ‘okay as long as you didn't come on the honeymoon. See you soon, body odor reall James Kohler Milidrae,CA, Not if | see you first, James of’ pal. ‘Actually, 'm not mad’at ya. | know things ain’tbeen so good since yer dad {ot aid ot at the body bag plant an le pea-brain like you's gotta let off ‘steam somewhere. What's th’ matter, Jimmy, you an’ yer sisters hafta go back t''sharin’ underwear? Yer mom's out bootleggin’ beer again too, ain't she? And they've started renting ya ut to freak shows again. Boy, times. are hard, yes indeed. Weli, yer ol’ pal ‘Obnoxio is sympathetic to yer prob- Jem, and he's got th’ perfect solution fer ya; a deep river an'a Address all hate mail to “Obnoxios Abuse Column” c/o the address below (and if You send us your picture, he'll make fun of that. too!). Ed. Waring: Sanding Jeter 10 this colon inden the ‘Since’ tends an vlan en ew, Mont bre. Yur [edit yu tonnes your rama an earn oe wor? ‘nro Nope Motoven et C/o MARVEL, COMiCS GroUP—— 37s- MEDD ISON (NSW Ory wren’ 10022Water: Paul Kupperberg anist: Bob Comp Auright, sneak || —wrich, as you know, Sey Dont ty sweet-tatking me, Fishkin I Fishkin, well- [@ has been transformed Look, the President's plane’s been hi- intoa maximum secur I'd say you Jacked by a group of convenient terror- json nore in 19971 managed to ists! You have fo get him of the island! BJ suttmgonaotieryoua a | vie's whole plot * iia in the first H] scone, creep! nattaya say toT'motterin' you a good deal, | [ Yeah? And Well, here's Warden Don Pardo to tell you what you can win! Don...? Fishkin! You got 24hours’| | whattal get i to get the President safely formy BR ~ offa Manhattan! troubles? ‘Thanks, Chief Haunk. Sneak And these gifts trom the Fishkin, f you rescue the Presi- Biegle Catalogue... that's dent youwilwinafullpardon tor > the Beg Gatonse, Gre allcimestonmitediniweconn |] ago 6800s Backs you, ‘onal S| Haunie Have we got ourselves a deal, siime? chin’ luggage and I'm Manhattan! You're gonna need a lotta weapons! bare hands, Haunk! your man, sleazeball! EE Throw ina set ofmat | it's every P6847"! sumphead fer himself on ‘Alls tneedre my ‘Course, that ain't to say a couple cf guns wouldn't come in handy... don't ferget that big ‘un over there, son! They've got guns, stupid! {ol you~ there ain’ time to con- vert you to a B-29 bomber, so shuddup!It's too late to back out now, slime-face! We've inject- ed two live hand-grenades inio your body that'll explode you toitisy-bitisy pieces if you don't return in time! home and practice ‘my Clint Eastwood impersonations... Woot! | don't ever wanna hafta travel like that again— although | gotta ad- mit the in-flight movie was pretty good! |) ‘Yow! This thing ain't got seatbelts! ‘Swim back and we'll Whut happens if! miss the island? tty again, sucker! Well, whattaya know! There's the President's emergency escape pod... the Cowardous One! Not to worry. If the Prez's with- in 5 miles of me, I'l know it! i's a good thing I'm also the best ‘goshdarned manhunter in the coun- tty! could find a flea in a zoo! Too bad the President's not a fleaHaunk, this is Fishkin! I've been lookin’ all over for the President and | ain't seen hide nor hair of him LTS ve am ao & - Bl wel, everywhere a pol B| might be nanging aro Yikes! And here everybody's been telling me people won't give you a hand in New York City ''m lookin’ fer the President, Flabbie— it yuh don't tell me where he is, boy am lever gonna give yuh a rotten tip! You shouldn't oughta be playin’ with the Me- [MH wrong... who e ‘schuggies, mister! ing abie to find a cab in Wanna cab? York when you need on ‘Okay— but don't try to take me the long Donit wory. Dean. take Yostothe Brat Hel Keow | where the President is! ij TL 3 pe : je Aue EL wanna know where the Don't Sneak. President is, Brain! 'mgon- fy] please! You're al: York's holding him J Sure. No prob- Er, think any ra get mighty ugly ityou ready ugly prisoner over there, lem. No sweat of'em got don't tell me! ‘enough! ‘Sneak. Thinkyoucan [iM Piece of cake. MM guns..7, ‘get him out?Sheesh! Wotta Atleast aint wouldn't way to make aliv- py nobody oughta ike yon gett in... Tate night gonna see feetsprints all over his work! me up here. Hl shiney new choo-choo! Hey! Whos thought yuh, Duh, think yuh oughta see dah Dupe, mistuh! lam da Dupe of New 4 York, Sneak, an’ Igot Dunno, man...he keeps referrin’ mah Questions to his press secretary! ‘Sure glad| brought along tat | Yike... now | gotta fight this monster to the death! 0d ant-balistc missile ater ! Lord... just hate days like this!tim so gratetul for what you've yr me, my lad! ver ‘Sure—| al- Uh-oh... | dunno if we're gonna make it, yer Huh! And all Joumantis yours! ‘idoany. a ways nought presidéntshipr The bridge outta Manhattan gal they did to Nix thing..! Wanna be an Vdbeanatural Py is mined an’ the Dupe is tryin tuh kill us! ‘on was im- ‘atdipiomacy! FS) each him! Ya can't outsmart the Dupe of New York, dummy! 'm gonna blow your brains out! Nyah, nyah! Come me, dirty cop whoops— wrong imperso- ration! Im supposed to be Clint Eastwood! an’ get rs. Wait! Can't wo atleast use a blindfold? Wow! You really came through atter all, Mr President! You saved ‘me by shooting the Dupe! ‘You stinkin’ sleazebal. take that... and that... and a couple more for the heck oft! around telling everybody Welcome to oes toget you, Sneak!CRAZY GROSS ENCOUNTERS Part 1: DELIVERANCELOOK CHESTER, vou WANA BEA \ I MeRo ALL yew LiFe, OR CO YA Maa Be 2o00 LiKE YER OD Cl Die 704 PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO A DEMENTED DENTIST'S GAMMA RAY CAVITY DECODER, CRAVEN NERD, CMe ESTER weens ‘FINDS HIMSELF (NW MOMENTS OF DIRE HUMILIATION, TRANSFORMED INTO A TUNDRA TOPPED % Woes. Stan STORY! JIM O01 ey ARAM EHE 208 meeop «5 [ eTHINK YOU'RE PRETTY TOUGH? WELL HOWSABOUT GOING TEN ROLINDS WITH Be ns “TAKING ON ALL FLIP-A PREVIOUS-A PAGE "A" LIP ANDDOWN-A, OVER-A PAGE "8" AS SHOWN-AL“My dog ate it!” “My microwave oven imploded, and | had to treat my mom for radiation burns!” “My little brother's iron lung broke down, and I had to pump it by hand all day.” Wall, i's about time you gothere. There's really no excuse for being late, you know. And look at you ‘Now go back and wipe your feet. Hurry up. That's better. And, speaking of excuses, here we go with another Crazy Contest, and this one's all about “Great Excuses For Being Late, Unprepared For, or Absent From School”. To enter: send a postcard (only postcards! For the one billionth time, letters are not accepted! Really! We just throw ‘em away! Why bother spending all that money |ustto fil the of executive wastebasket?!” And also, only one entry per postcard! Got t?) with the funniest “Great Excuse” youcan think of to “Crazy Contest #8” clo Marvel Comics Group, 575 Madison Ave. New York, N.Y. 10022. All entries mustbe received by March 5,1982. The winner will receive a free 1-year subscription to Crazy, the world's funniest yock rag, and the runner-ups will receive the infamous Marvel No-Prize, and run the risk of actually having their entries printed within these pages. Contest will be judged by our editors, and their decisions are final. All entries become the property of Marvel Comics, and this contest is void where racking mud all over the place. prohibited, taxed, or regulated. Results of Crazy Contest #9 will appear in Crazy #88, on sale in May. CONTEST #6 WINNERS! Grand Prize Winner: “How ugly was she?” "She was so ugly that her date brought four grocery bags along in case the other three ripped.” A free 1-year subscription to: b Stark Canton, OH. Boyal Runner-Ups: a ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, when | looked uup “ugly” in the dictionary, there was a Picture of her face!” Tim Smith Morris IL. “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, she had ring marks on her body’ from people touching her with ten-foot poles.” Lori Byrd Miluerton, Ontario “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, she was told to wear an APCV valve on her face.” “Hpw ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, if she were a stripper, they'd yell “Put it on!” Jason Savant Lebanon, 32 “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, her plastic sur- ggon got a heria trying to give her a face-lift.” Steven Snair Halifax County, Nova Scotia “How ugly was she?" “She was so ugly that when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back!” Connie Krebs San Jose, CA. “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly her mom hadto feed her with a slingshot!" Sylvia Seress Simpsonville, S.C. ‘How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, when guests came over they'd pet her and talk to the family dog.” Erik Roggenburg Hilo, HI. “How ugly was she?” “She was 50 ugly, the only time she could get a date was Halloween!” Raymond Osterbye Keansburg, N.J. “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, on her first date, they she was out with put news- paper down in his car.” Brian Talley Newport News, VA. “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, she had to sneak up on a glass of water!” Mr. J. Soloman Glen Oaks, N.Y. “How ugly was sho?” "She was so ugly, when she got undressed for bed, the across across the street would pull down his shade! ‘Sam Tocei Midlothian, IL. “How ugly was she?” “She was so ugly, she won the Obnoxio The Clown Look-Alike Con- test!” id Cushman East Windsor, CT. ‘How ugly was she?” ‘She was so ugly, she had to cover her face at night so sleep could ‘creep up on her.” Lydia Schrauth Ridgewood, N.Y.CHARLIE SURTUR ONE bay cEcIDED HE DID'NT | [ Ano THAT WASNT ALL HE OWED SURTUR THE CIE Ne Aa ene Reem Abanzmens rin | | AewaNth OWES ie releswowe COMPANY, 200 TOUS, 50 nie becioee 18 Break vis Lease. | | qe uase UT/LIT/ES PRACTICAL EveeyBOOy IN TOWN! Tm moving you can't WHERE'S THay TEN Bucks #0R MONTHS RENT! DENTAL FLOSS? YEAH... AND You STILL Owe us FOR THE FUNNY Mar? ‘Somenow, sunTur THE TENANT "ALWAYS MANAGES TO ELUDE HIS CREDITORS. THE ANSWER Is IN SURTUR'S mavsTic SwoRD’ | (So, now FREE To FIND BETTER HOUSING, SURTUR THE“ SWORD SiVes OEF-A tuctItCEVEL SHIA TAGNAILS tT TOMS REAL ESTATE AGENT? TWAT CAN OVERCOME ANY OPPONENT IN OTHER WORDS. COSMIC FUNK’ iimLEFTY, THE LARGE REALTOR RAISES HIMSELF FROM THE Flames’ OF COURSE, YOU CAN TELL THAT EROM THE PICTURE, BUT IE WE DIDN'T HAVE THESE CapTIONS somesooy WwouLD HAVE TO D0 SOME ARTWORK AROUND HERE! WHADDAYA WANT? T'M TAKIN A, BATH! 1/M LOOKING FOR ‘SOME BEACH FRONT PROPERTY! THE CONDOR BROTHERS SLITHER THEIR WAY IN, AND TRY To SEDUCE SURTUR INTO GOING, co-ops BEACH-ERONT ? SAY, PAL, YOu WOTTA RIOT! Gor Any iDEA WHAT THE TAXES ARE Tie -ON. BEACHES !? THE CONOOR BROTHERS GET CLOSER, BLUDGEON- ING SURTUR WITH REAL ESTATE SALES PITCHES, WHILE NUMBING HIS SENSES WITH BAD BREATH INO SNAKE OROOL ! ‘BESIDES YOU LOOK. YEAH... HOW ABOUT A LIKE AN INNER-ciTy) [ NICE CONDO... 25 THOU UP FRONT, ANO 30 AT THE CLOSING > FEELING CORNERED, SURTUR THE TENANT REACTS DEFENSIVELY, AND, WITH HIS TRUSTY SWORD - DRAWS FORTH Hid GARBAGE WHICH HAD BEEN HOOVERING ABOV!THE GARBAGE LANDS, ASSAULTING THE CO-OP FEELING CONFIDENT IN SURTUR THE TENANT'S KINGS AND FORCES THEM TO FLEE TRUST IN HIM, LEFTY DEMONSTRATES HIS SHOW STOPPING "FLAMING MAND" ROUTINE, Hey, NO NEED TO. ‘OKAY, OKAY? AS HE REELS SUTUR IN- ‘GET SORE! TALK TO LEFTY! HEY, WING-HEAD, T THINK GOT. TusT THE pLace FOR Yous 000! LeT's SEE IT..-AND NO FUNNY BUSINESS! Lerty THEN Leaps ouror nis | [ THey aReive at wat Looks] [Lerry crasnes TaRouen THe BATH, AND TOGETHER WITH LIKE A GIANT BRUSSEL ‘SURFACE OF THE INCREDIBLY SURTUR THE TENANT, HITS THE | | SPROUT WITH MOLD GROW-| | INEPTLY-DRAWN WORLD, JUST FREEWAY. ING ON IT. DESPITE IT's. AS THE BUILT-IN GARBAGE APPEARANCE. LEFTY mANA- CMON... IT'S GES TO EXPOUND IT’S 6000 IN A Nice QuauiTies! NEIGHBORHOOD! THROWER PUTS OUT THE TRASH IT'$ CLOSE TO. TRANSPORTATION THAT'LL SO Save YOu WEAR AND TEAR ON your sword!‘Surtur Leaves THe ereeway ro | [Surtur cHecks arouno ror | [ NOW, WE OON'T wave Any "10 STEP ON CANADA AS HE TRIES | | ~ROACWES! SATISFIED AS TO IDeA Way THis PANEL IS TO KEEP UP WITH THE ELUSIVE THE CONDITION OF HIS PRO- HERE. TRY AS WE MIGHT, WE LEFTY. SPECTIVE HOME, THE UNWARY | | CANIT THINK OF ONE GAG TO TENANT TRIES OUT THE ACURATELY GO HERE. EXCUSE US, SPRINKLER SYSTEM! PLEASE, AND GO ON TO THE RICE SPRINKLERS! NENTS SORRY: T HOPE my SWORD Boesniy eT RUSTY? BACK IN His SWIMMING INFERNO LEFTY GLOATS "AS ALL REALTORS DO/AFTER HAVING SIGNED. SURTUR THE TENANT TO A FIVE CENTURY LEASE WAWAHAWA// HE SIGNED THE tEagev anos DIDN'T EVEN Tee IM ABOUT THE ANO $0, SUTUR THE TENANT HAS HIS BEACH-FRONT HOME! ‘HE'S ALSO GOT FREQUENT VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS AND VISIONS OF FLYING HORSES- ACTUALLY, THE HORSE Is HERE BECAUSE WE RATHER Lime HORSES, DON'T YOU? BE sure 70 READ THE NEXT 1SSUI FOLLOWS IMMEDIATELY. WEXT ISSUE! THE LEGEND OF THE CAPTION GOD! rua Ee | 5,Is there anything more boring than a day in the 1970's? Not according to a recent independent survey. As a mattor of fact, most experts now agree that the sickening 70's are even more dull and mundane than the foolish 50's were. Now, that's what we call boring! Ah, but romomber the good old days? Ro- member the unabated excitement and unabashed adventure of the fabulous 30's and 40's? Of course you don't remember that! You weren't even born yet! Don't try to fool us, kid! Noneth still pick up on the literature of those wondrous days. It's being rep! featuring the serialized exploits of your favorite action- other costumed kooks of daze gone by. And, after 8 trend! So, sit back now, relax, and (just like your pai reminisce about how wonderful things were before you were born . . . I, Crazy maga- nts often do) WRITER: « ARTIST STEVE SKEATES (MARIE SEVERIN ii atl“My Lord! Your nose!” gasped the Spy-squasher. “I've seen it somewhere before—on someone else py SPY-SQUASHER The Fiend With The Glass Nose by Kenneth Robsomeone OUR STORY SO FAR: A brown and white dog vith abnormally long ears had met a strange and grisly death at the hands of some unknown maniac, In addition, Verna Delbert, a prominent cigarette-girl and former fiancee of the president of a large munitions factory, was guarding a terrible secret. The authorities first suspected foul play when they discovered that the blind bowling hustler who had been run over by the same truck seventeen times had a map of Cleveland tatooed on the sole of his left foot. His other foot was missing. Three days earlior, however, a strange ship flying the flag of a country which no longer ex- isted had been sighted just outside the three mile limit. Now, it was no longer there. 29THE MESSAGE _ Chapter Twelve THE MESSAGE ichael William Smythe-Williams Junior the Third, eminent and likeable billion- aire-playboy, shook the burning butt out of his long, thin, nickel-plated cigar-holder and ground it into the peat moss. It had been nearly a week since he had seen Janie Silver- shoes. Where had she been keeping herself lately? He had wanted to apologize for his actions of a week ago last Thursday, but by now she had probably bought herself a new pair of shoes and forgotten all about it He gingerly screwed a new cigar into the holder, closed the door on the north forty and stepped out to the curb. His Bacardi Roadster, all shiny and new and painted dark green like the eye of a fly, triggered meniories of the old mare he had ridden into the ground as a boy and the licking he had received once the horse had been pro- perly shot. His father always had been a short man. He slid across the vinyl-covered seat, lit his cigar on the eternal flame and started the mammoth engine. The resultant bumps and grinds and wheezes shook ashes onto his lap but he didn’t seem to notice. He was thinking about the radiogram he had receivedthat morning. “Come Quick Please,” was all it had said, but he knew immediately who had sent it and what he must do. Only one person would dare be that terse Michael, and that person meant business. HARRISBURG _ * io eX rm He drove out Route 40, turned left at Maple, then right on Elm. He parked be- hind what, from all outward appearances seemed to be a laundromat and moments later was in the wardrobe room, pulling on his silver boots. Rudy, the alchemist, en- tered and was surprised to see the gigan red-headed, former Rochesterian “Business?” asked the diminutive Metho- dist, wiping his grease-spattered hands on his characteristic yellow cover-alls. “Check,” said Michael. “The Fjord or the Blue Funk?” asked Rudy. “Neither. I'll take the Wembly 440,” answered Michael. He snapped his purple plastic shoulder-holster into place while on the run down those stairs that led to that huge, hidden underground garage. "Wax the Roadster while I'm gone,” he shout without looking back, as he climbed into the Wembly. The traffic was lighter now. He passed three trucks, five cars and seven bicycles, then pulled out of the alleyway and drove up Route 80, turned right at Birch and then left on Oak. G. was waiting right whereTHE MESSAGE Michael expected to find him, in the phone booth on the corner. “Where is he?” Michael asked as he leapt out of the sleek, two-tone coupe with the super-charged running-board “Right up there,” G. barked, pointing at the condemned and crumbling former sheet- music factory less than twenty yards ahead. “On the fifteenth floor, I believe. And, watch yourself. He’s armed.” Michael wasted no time in racing toward the building. As though to give emphasis to G's warning, a bullet tore into the pave- ment no more than three inches from Michael’s tarnished right boot. But, before another shot could be fired, Michael had made it safely to the entrance-way and was starting up the creaking stairs. On the thirteenth floor, he came upon the body of a young woman, naked except for the shadows that fell conveniently over her private parts, a knife sticking obscenely cout of her pale white stomach and blood still gushing from the wicked gash. On the fourteenth floor, he got sick. He moved cautiously from then on, inching up the staircase, pressing his back against the far wall and walking side-ways. There were no sounds from above, not even the sound of someone breathing. Was the fiend holding his breath? Or was he dead? Or both? Michael was almost at the landing when finally he heard something and looked up to see a huge, wooden barrel, filled he knew not with what, flying down toward him. There was no time to duck out of the way. It hit him in the gut and he tumbled back down the stairs, hitting his head on a railing that seemed to come from out of nowhere. The world went black. He dreamt of the farm, and of how the animals used to follow him around when- ever he put that tonic in his hair. He dreamt of happier days and sadder days and Wed- nesdays. Then, reality slowly came back into focus. And, the two huge eyes that had been staring at him for quite some time slowly became two of the largest nostrils he had ever seen. Still, they seemed some- how familiar. He was lying on a bed, his left arm in a cast. It took him awhile to move his gaze, up from the nostrils, up past that smooth, alabaster bridge so that finally he was look- ing into Janie Silvershoe's smiling, blue eyes. The picture of a silo wearing a red dress on the wall behind her head told him that he was in the study of her father's spa- cious ‘country home. “Janie,” he said. His voice was shaky, but functional. “Your nose. Why does it—" She didn’t let him finish his question, as she knelt and placed her lush red mouth onto his pale lips, her mammoth breasts pressing, down hard against his laboring chest. He passed out again. But, just before he lost consciousness, he heard Janie laugh a very evil laugh, and he began to wonder if she was really Janie Silvershoes after all and if he'd ever be able to eat solid foods again. Then, suddenly, the crops failed. NEXT: Chapter Thirteen— The Skate-key af} Tell you what, rs! ff Ethel — if you an get in i, Hil buy two! This car comes with triple , chrome- My name’s Honest ‘Would a guy g What makesGn New Year's Eve, the S.S. UPSEIDOWN, on the fast leg of an excursion tour from BUCHENWALD to BAYONNE, NEW JERSEY and on its last legs just about every OTHER way as well, suffered a disaster unparalleled in the annals of DISASTERDOM— a disaster only a handful of people would SURVIVE — i Gam io alan fe wo weg ond i J. gs i Thore she BE, Bosi— the great white WHALE I've searched years 44 WRITER: LEN WEIN ARTISTS: ROSS ANDRU/VIC MARTIN /Well, seel on the CEI Se | | oft Man! f | CONTROL| [ Thankyou. | [ orsett | Fat ees ~but you ca] STOP now! | everyone! Stay | you're lying sprawled} CEILING with your FOOT in your SPAN. } ORGANIZED! Try to FALLin ingas how \ nares Tome, everyone | _ Eee] Climbout the top of reel sor eBOTTON of —ah—THAT way! | ‘SUSPENDERS. Harry—but you never LISTEN! ia WATER! We'll ceo | [weilget] ¢ We, TERMINAL Hold it, Preacher! What makes you think we got any BETTER chance with YOU? 2 DISHPAN | PANIC? Foolish man— they don call GREAT" SCOTT tor i HTHZ L, ys VOLUNTEERS — onetomakeit to | inyou. Sir. Garon toclimo this) “the topgets to You'll get us > ey ytd) — ) stupid TREE-! ] "KEEP the our! J] stone upis ai ornament! ~~ | SROTTEN ‘Okay! Now we'll do _ L_Fisu } things MY way—or S 7) Wiitake my PLAN a "1, andgohome! | 4 You're NEXT, | [Okay—but it's gonna Mrs. Pogo—but "> | MURDER our “PG SS youll naveto j, rating 7, ‘take otf that a [rm warn] X | ya.Seott—t | ee |sheruins the Ney AINE? TA Saree, Poss |) | but everytime [+ / you SPEAK. that thing—! ‘there are funny looking LINES Tknow you're SCARED, My SHIRT? Areyou Miss Ninny—but your brother's DEAD— and you'll never get his BOOTS off, Core aang wih] Us vousan '/ cling toME tor | feotyatoa |r [Fee mero li DROWN ‘So I'll go WITHOUT a shirt. How do Nook? (Oops — I forgot ‘ll about yer TATTOO! aS Ofcourse, it may \WE ro aa beaiitieaiticut MQ tS 7 / [to CLIMB this way. few FI) 0 i ee,pio Sanz MIRACLE! a a That's right ‘| miracle | [ania] supplied by || "You provience || SENT SAFETY PIN aD P) ‘COMPANY. ~#® ae ¥ “4 have faith in & PAS ee |p \Wé % WISN z Jc] " ® | I say, Sir-tm NE -reciaiwal) WL "Sibu shios have to FEND regulations firmly | Poor (a | prompt trating Le themselves des bon te SERINE, | yr i Sir! Ze Ja “But thank you for} the—-UUNNFF— | information. Sir. | [The rubber fire | hose won't take this kind of Weil have to [Sele it one a al AT atatime= tortone! | 4 Pardon me. Ma'am—but you're BENDING | « myface. ae 47B cars can gure a which one IS it? (eat oy Cy [Oucn | Ch, |ypCeear Z Tah ‘Somebody but wanna get] ) SPATULA tank at the Coney Islang J) SCRAPE us cee =<] Look! How do va expect us to get past all that WATER? mi aeeseee [Shesbeen gown heretor] Tilbebackas |p| SOUR ANDIWENTY: | ‘ ‘soon as | run out 3 When | tug three} | FIVE MINUTES Do you " i OfBREATH.-- times on the ROPE~pull me | l PLAGE & fe is ‘SheMUST | a, be Shehasht puilegon the nF hn oe alt Raisin i's Dontiorget the | f eu WEE oto to hold your 5 o Teens bsnl. { NOSE. isdoing, Pot =N= ae FEEL V/A (KD | Now stop BLUBBERING, ™~ Affer all, what ‘Be CAREFUL on. | Mr. Ratsin—and climb up)—wdoes SHE care: $1 this catwalk We can't wife would have ‘She's OUT of "ANYON See and yout os wanted youto Meow Tal toa fry LANYONE {Connie a tissu Pest \\ | ps a he "< ; bos hi 2 Re KS 6, dE encest dG maxes Hh I7 2: as ¥ Caimdown, | [Besides man—you're | | considering -) getting those this movie, & | LINES -_your wifeis | around your | | BETTER OFF. head again. | 7-4 That DOES it | Preacher! Your stupid scheme { ascost mea perfectly good WIFE! Im gonna—! SHE got out while the getting was GOOD—and! 5] advise the REST ‘of you to do the ig yo L_s aoe " ‘stor Me by oma er the in code, oO) A steund MY nead bide] POOPEYE TA rotmingelee AAI WHEREVER) a [_toLIVE for! | youare!! “AM u Le i a aon g fe. paaaayeeny sibel Theta Say, kid—that's really LI Last stop. Ghana A, GREAT! Now yougot_ >) everyone SS 7) PLANTATION. He led) 5} the lines around YOUR | “THiSway «I J) “usintaagiant | j head! lee //\ TUMBLE DRYER! 2 a 7 Freshair- | sunshine we're SAVED. Ninny—hear \ that? SAVED! asstrange as} Got42 nalf-crazed 4 the bunch well SHRINERS and had LAST p, the entire KING FAMILY ofa THAT ship. sir. p>. La ecThe following is a CRAZY public service announcement from Dr. JiveTurkey, America’s foremost voodoo proctologist and oral hygenist-gourmet cook. Here now, is Dr. Turkey. IT sakes No DeTeReNce UAT THE STORY IN on wae WErTTEN BY SLACK BUT HONEST STOP! HOLD IT! DON'T TURN THAT ABEL Bane PORE Way FIND THE FLOWING STORY "TO BE IN BAD TACT, T KNOW IT SOUNCS CRBELIEVABLE, BUT 17'S TRUE. wenn, vers 86 AOVEST. THe WHAT BID) INMATE MY NAMES MARV! 1 T00K a swares tHe Baesivent! Bis taxtcur Poucies ARE EAE”, ‘KNow! ZT I Gor 25-To-LiFe, BUT My LAWYER PLE IMAGINE... ROBERT REDETONE LAYING nes” BOOK, AND T'Ve UST eer SIGNED A Movie BEALL,MONTHS LATER AFTER 15 ARRAIGNMENT, FRED REPURME FO HIS OLUSH AEARTNENT BULEING a6!" Back OTHE OLD eeu one NEIGHBORHOOD! Ineae no Moge HEY, OUDE! DIG Man, HERE COMES THAT ARNEY? LOGNT DRINK NO MORE! BaRey Dedes 19 ENure FOR NG GOSD, Lyin? GOOD FoR NOTHIN SAILSIRD HUSBAND OF MINE NOW, WELL NO THEN you MORE MBS. NICE ANT aD ‘Guy! armen You 1s wausin” LsHouLD ON By’ 7HA GOrBACK TO (ELD, isTeR, O16 THAT? JAIL OR Some TN NOWGIT our TO That SORE AND PICK Gertwe sture . ‘Su Tat UST... "AND PLAY AN ) WOMBER WHILE, ) YOu'e CoN'ity WHEN you Gets BACK, Tost med Feworwer THINGS FOR Youste'oa. 5 Te cANO THERE’ SarrsicoR SINNER!When Congress slashed PBS's funds by $35 million, public television got into trouble! “Nova” was forced to change its name to “Candle,” and “Master- piece Theater” had no choice but to become “Master- piecemeal Sideshow.” Even Misterogers, realizing that he otherwise couldn’t stay in the neighborhood, had to take on a couple of roomies (Billy Martin and Lou Ferrigno). But worst affected of all was... ‘Stinking pay. We live in disarray! There's no way to have ‘enough fo eat. ‘And it's not okay to ive, To live on Seizedsum Street! Sorry, Odor... butinner- ff And you ttwas my idea fist This s the last straw! First, they take my people's land city iving is geting so ff havethe tomoveinwith away, and now they star on our garbage cans! Wha can tough with rent-hikes |] bestone. so [| Odor til found a say to that? and al, we'vedecidedto ff toodie-co, [J place of my own! live in garbage cans | Toots! Hey. |] You won't kick me from now on! its Butfet! cut, willya?‘The picture moved as faras ‘our animation budget al- lowed, Kooky Monster! Why picture no move, Errnie? Hey! How come whenever you eat cookies, al | the'pieces fall out of your mouth? How com: : you never swallow anything? aD, il Money tight as itis around here, you can't waste anything! ‘There! Now whenever you eat cookies, youll! ‘Don't worry, I'lfix itso you can swallow! ‘make sure to get every crumb, bruddah! ate tr ote ) NM yi at ( Cha ge ee eee: ‘Janice, can you show everyone where your nose is? OUCH! No, where YOUR nose is. Ermie, the Kooky Monster came cryin to me about what you did to his throat! Now that wasnt very nice, was it? Li Ja HY AM) UNS No problem, use te ‘title to point ot Janice’ nove! Boyar stu Mage Circe! Don't worry, Morrir... I've shown the litle brat winere her noseis! Hey! What's the magic Circle doing? Obviously - aggh!! - showing us...in this budget crisis period ‘ohhh. how to tighten our 3! _| Shut up, chuckiehead! 'mtired of being |] Costello to your Abbott! You think you think "| you're better than me.... but Iave one you are? ‘thing you don't have! ARMS!Wire-controlled, DEAD. WEIGHT arms, Burp! Im talk- ing about moving arms...and Er..uh...ah. afraid th-haven't, Infact, youhave a pretty dead weight Biggest Bird! (Munch) head ioo, Burp! Here, let me relieve ‘you of it, You litte (heheh) weakling! Ha] Mr. Hooter! Mr. Hooter! Have you seen Snutfie-Downagus? {Goodt-for-nathing imps! Caught Can youname any words with ‘em stealing food from my store! Troetion Kem Hooter? | | Bake! Broil I know we've allhad to cut down in ——— a= this scarcity, but how deviant can 4 yeu get with “K," Mr. Hooter! Uh. jarbecue! Baste! (Slurp!) you're hurting me, Mr. Hooter! Blissful! BIRD! @] Mr. Hooter! [ ‘What are you doing to those children?Fem ie * What are you do- Thats, not until we find out how much dough ya Astounding! You are n« Ls dough yz Niwa ond une ani ing? There's no gol! Is he worth twenty bucks to ya? C'mon, puman,angununeeny | | waywelllet you genuine missing ink hero! bo. the missing link? take ur nerd JN SANNA Le milan. oN Forgot his humble beginnings where we're rs oe languishing, and is making a mint from fe to we he Mobpup Show ad movies! top him Un tear him apart? fle i i as But Termite, why should I treat them nice? Pipe down, Miss Pighead, and just do as They're stealing all my spotlight! T say! W.will you just do as | say??Is Someone Reading ,¢ You re This Ad? ) Tired of being called “washcloth-brain” by your friends? We don't blame you! 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Your Pocket, Ni I I 1 1 : understand that fam us ligation to 1 1 I 1 I ! ve —_____Hae—_______ |} 1 kno x \ 1 i aes ei BankAcet sss ! ‘ep | 1 would like to learnalll about: ! 1 1 1 DAccounting Ci RealEstate eativeWiting ClAdorced TrahingPrams | [Abacus &Il Basic brokerage Holding a per ‘Complete law course 1 1 Calcul Condominiums Plagiarism Basic dentistry 1 Drooling land swindles Comic books Nuclear physics I 1 Boredom Bev snd Pome Neurosurgery { | Rina won Television Highschool dploma t Money-back guarantee if we're not catistied with your progress!Back in the early 1900s, when we, the happy-go-lucky writ- ers, editors, and artists here at CRAZY, were kids, we all joined the Boy Sprouts. And, boy, did we have fun — camp- ing, tracking, hiking, biking, scratching, gouging, and gen- erally making do in the great outdoors. But Sprouting has grown a lot since those good old days. Why, today they even have a special branch of the Boy Sprouts for city kids... 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(A little humor there, courtesy of your friendly neighborhood manicurist.) ry Tm late for my mani Mudge, but I've been feeling bit run-down latel Hmmm speaking of RUN DOWN, Mrs. |Grousenagel. Tes these dish: washing detergents, Mudge. They leave my hands| rough and scaly [What you need is something new Your hands are soaking in] —like PALM-OILY LIQUID! it now! PALM-OILY LIQUID? | N No, wait— that's the Is that milder than what bowl I left last week's T've been using? tapioca in! ‘See for yourself [Oh well, at least Fi this is one manicure fr Wh that'll stay with you ~Grousenagel for a while! (Yuk, []_are you doing? yuk.) Same time next week, Mrs, Grousenagel””WHY HANG AROUND ?!? : NM WHY WAIT E| ISSUE OF THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST YOCK RAG, WHEN YOU CAN HAVE IT PAINLESSLY MAILED TO YOUR HOME?! mw Oy es $9.00* buys you twelve big issues, includ- ing 4 $1.25 Super Specials! Laugh ’till you die! “Canada: add $1; Foreign: add $2.TONIGHT: AT 11 ON 11!. eo ails S wes y Ee). co e Bs gS |S Al SE Bi ey y See egg _| Mutiny on the Bounty ee SAL, YA JUDGE A BOOKIE H, FER <) \ BY HIS COVER. » D ry iY Cape (PeRouc Mame £ CR KEEP ON BURNIN’! eT CONE "YW % S72.sl a ee Pe] fa “i ire | fy = ay Be rie) 3 = 8 DRIVE YOU CRAZY NO