For Introverts: How To Build Strong Connections In 21 Days

Day 1

Create a list of all your friends and connections

=== FIRST: A CALL TO ACTION ===

I'm excited you've decided to join us! Before we start, I want you to set aside your preconceived
notions about relationships. This is difficult, but necessary.

As you go through these steps, you'll be given action-based challenges. Some of them may seem
strange or uncomfortable.

You'll need to work as hard as you can to suspend your judgment about what you're being instructed
to do and make an honest attempt to complete the steps.

Remember, this is only for 21 days, and it's as much about mastering your mind and trying new
things as it is learning the craft of building strong connections.

You'll need about 15 minutes each day to make a meaningful difference in your life over the next
three weeks. Let's get started!

=== TODAY'S CHALLENGE ===

Today, your challenge is to take stock of all your current relationships. On a piece of paper,
spreadsheet, or whatever you prefer, make a list of *everyone* you know.

Try to think of at least 30 people.

For this step, list each person who matches the following:

1. You remember their name.

2. They would remember you.
3. You could email or call them and the exchange would be pleasant.

For ideas of who to include in your list, go through your contact lists from your social media
profiles. Also include relatives, family friends, co-workers, and people from any groups or
organizations you might be a part of.

Side note: Feel free to leave out any names of people you wouldn't want to get in touch with again.

You'll reference this list for the rest of the course.

Day 2

Organize your list of friends and connections

For each person on your list from yesterday, add this information:

1. How you met them / where you know them from. 

2. Something you admire about them or something they're very talented at. 
3. Something you believe they could use help with. 

With the document you just created, you can connect people who should know each other in less
than 5 minutes each day. Whenever you have a bit of free time, open this sheet up and look for two
people who have similar strengths, similar needs or, best of all, someone who has a strength where
another has a need. 

Then, shoot off a quick email like this:

 --- 

Hey Jed and Sarah, 

Jed: I was thinking about how you're trying to find a bookkeeper for your startup, but didn't know
where to look. Then, I remembered I knew Sarah, who does this kind of work for lots of small
businesses in the area. 

Sarah: Jed just started this really fun company that makes the best trick birthday candles and it
sounds like they're looking for some help with the bookkeeping. 

Thought you two should at least know about each other. 

All the best, 

Tyler 

--- 

Go ahead and send one of these emails now. 

P.S. If you want to see how I keep track of all my connections over time, check out this extended
article: http://riskology.co/the-friends-game/
Day 3

Adopt the curiosity mindset

As an introvert, one thing that can make conversation difficult is our desire to stay one step ahead,
knowing exactly what to say at every turn. This keeps you from listening fully, though. 

You're bound to chat with someone today. When you do, I want you to work on listening fully. Don't
worry about what to say next. Instead, think of yourself as an interviewer, and the person you're
talking to is your subject. Your job is to get them to tell you the most interesting story they can. 

This is what I like to call "following your curiosity" through a conversation. 

Listen carefully as you talk, and latch onto any detail that peaks your interest; it doesn't matter what
it is. At each point in the conversation, ask yourself, "How can I get this person to tell me more?" 

Bonus: Psychology research tells us that using this technique will also make people like you more
because they will feel like they were really listened to and you care about what they have to say.
Day 4

Analyze your top 3 connections

However you prefer to take notes, record the following:

1. Choose three people from your current circle of connections you feel you've built a truly
great relationship with.
2. For each of these people, answer the following questions:
a) What is the glue that holds this relationship together?
b) What things happened at the beginning of the relationship that allowed to grow it to
what it is today?
c) What are the specific values you share with this person?

Now look through your answers and try to spot a trend. Maybe you share a common hobby with
each of them? Maybe they were all friends of someone you knew before you met them? Maybe
something completely different you never would have expected?

Whatever you spot, keep it in mind as you meet new people. If you want to build a quality
relationship with them, find ways to foster your connection into that trend so you have the best shot
at making it a valuable, long-term one.

It's possible you won't spot a trend right away. That's okay, too. By doing this work now, you've
forced yourself to look at your relationships through a new lens. You'll at least begin to see how you
form relationships, and that can tell you a lot about how you should interact with people going
forward.
Day 5

Make direct eye contact during conversation

Eye contact is critical to building strong connections. In fact, all kinds of research has uncovered
direct eye contact makes the person receiving it perceive you as:

- More warm and personable

- More attractive and likeable

- More qualified, skilled, and competent

- More trustworthy, honest, and sincere

- More confident and emotionally stable

The purpose of this challenge is to get you to hold your gaze a little longer than you're comfortable
with. With enough practice, keeping strong eye contact will start to feel much more natural.

Choose one of these 3 options to complete once today:

1. While talking to someone you know really well (a spouse/parter, parent, sibling, best friend, etc.),
look directly into their eyes for five seconds while you speak to them. Then, practice doing the same
—five second gazes—while that person is speaking to you. Try this for as long as the conversation
lasts.

2. While talking to someone you perceive as a superior (perhaps your boss), do the same as above,
but for three-second glances.

3. Practice eye contact with a passing stranger for one second. Do this, at your leisure, five times
today.

---

Warning: Eye contact *can* be overdone. Until you feel very comfortable with it, only hold your
gaze as long as recommended in the scenarios above. Holding eye contact for the right length of time
increases positive feelings, but if its held too long in the wrong scenarios, it can be seen as
dominating or unusual/creepy.
Day 6

Make a list of people you admire and email them

Today, I want you to make another list. This time, instead of connections you already have, I want
you to make a list of people you want to connect with but haven't yet. Try to list at least 5 people.

Then, send one short email (no more than 5 sentences) to one of these people telling them:

1. Why you're reaching out.

2. What you'd like them to do to connect (schedule a Skype call, meet for coffee, answer a question,
etc.)

---

For an example of an email like this, and tips for how to write one, see here:
http://riskology.co/email-challenge-for-introverts/

For some inspiring stories of people who took up the challenge and got fantastic replies, see here:
http://riskology.co/life-changing-emails/
Day 7

Craft an amazing elevator pitch

The next time someone asks you, "What do you do?" you're going to know exactly how to answer it.
Today, you're going to create an "elevator pitch"—a short description of yourself and what you do
that you can bust out any time someone asks this question.
Here are a few steps to follow to create your elevator pitch. The more creative you get, the more
more memorable you'll be from the first impression and the faster you can get past all the boring
small talk:

1. Simplify what you do.

Ask yourself, “So, what do you do?” from the perspective of a complete stranger. Be concise and
don't use industry jargon. You might do a 100 different things every day to “do what you do” but
none of that matters to a stranger. Boil it down.

2. State who you do it for.

You might think what you do is for everyone, but is it, really? There’s probably a specific sub-set of
people who get the most benefit from what you do. Nerds? Doctors? Educators? Teenagers? People
who think or believe a certain way?

3. Find a schema to help explain.

If what you do is really niche and difficult for the average person to understand, you can help
explain it by using a schema—knowledge the person already has that will help them understand
what you do.

For instance, I met a guy in San Francisco who explained the app he was developing to me as “what
you would get it if you mashed up Okcupid and Meetup.com. It instantly made sense: It’s a dating
app for people who prefer to meet in groups.

Here are a few examples:

- I [design seat cushions] for [airline companies]. I’m like a fashion designer for the airline industry.
- I’m [a fitness coach] for [elite athletes]. I’m like your trainer at the gym but for professional
athletes.
- I [manage construction projects] for [building contractors]. I’m like your office manager, except I
actually build the office.
- My app [remembers all your passwords] so you don’t have to. It’s like having an external brain and
is almost as fast.
- My business [does forensic accounting] for [law firms]. We’re like crime scene investigators, but
the crime scene is a bank book.

What's *your* elevator pitch?

Day 8

Create your introvert-friendly social calendar

The first step to building the perfect social calendar is to understand your introversion and how you
respond to different environments. Then, you can set a list of rules to follow to make sure you never
wear yourself out.

I've written a comprehensive article on just how to do this. Read it here: http://riskology.co/introvert-
social-calendar/

Once you've read the piece, set some rules for yourself:

1. What are some things you should *always* do before you meet someone new or go to an event?

2. What are some things you should *never* do before an event?

3. When are some times you know you should avoid going out?

4. What's a good time limit to set for yourself at an event to make sure you don't burn out?

5. How frequently can you go out without burning out? Be conservative.

With these self-imposed rules, hopefully you feel a bit more comfortable going out to meet new
people and finding events that are a great match for you.

---

Extra Credit: Make plans to meet a new group of people, this week if you can. A great place to find
low-pressure events around topics you love is meetup.com: http://meetup.com
Day 9

Start a conversation with a stranger (stage I)

Your task today is to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.

To control the situation, focus on doing this in a "closed environment." That means, somewhere
there is a natural point to start and end the conversation. An example would be in line at the grocery
store or at the bus stop, just before the bus arrives.

Your approach can be as inelegant as you like. We don't care about getting it right today. We only
care about doing it. And to get yourself to actually do it, you should follow this one rule:

Approach within three seconds.

Once you see someone you think would be an interesting person to talk to, approach them and say
hello—in whatever way you want to—within three seconds.

---

If you need ideas about how to start the conversation, try one of these completely boring but
extremely effective openers:

1. Bring up a popular current event and see how they respond.

2. Read a title from one of the magazines in the grocery line, and make some sort of comment on it.

3. Compliment them on a piece of clothing they're wearing or something you notice about them
(steer clear of body parts!)

4. Mention the weather. That's as boring as it gets, but it works extremely well.

For more on the art of starting a conversation, see here:

http://riskology.co/conversation/
Day 10

Start a conversation with a stranger (stage II)

Today, you're going to start a conversation with a stranger, but you're going to do it without the
safety of an obvious breaking point.

This is more difficult because it's more unnatural. Especially for introverts. But if you can master it,
the benefits are great.

Once again, the point of this challenge is not to make you an expert at approaching random
strangers. You probably won't change your whole life by chatting up some person on the street. The
purpose is only to break down your comfort barrier and improve your social confidence.

Here are some ideas for you to try:

1. Compliment someone you see on the street.

2. Ask for help finding something in the grocery store, then start talking to whoever helps you.

3. Strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you at the coffee shop.

One of my favorite ways to practice this is to pretend like I'm a tourist in my city. I'll walk up to
someone who looks like they may actually be a tourist, and ask them for directions somewhere.
When they tell me they can't help, I ask where they're from. Instant conversation starter.

I've also found it can be less intimidating to approach a group of people instead of an individual.
When people are alone and a stranger approaches them, their guard is up more than if they have
some people they know surrounding them.
Day 11

End a conversation on your terms

Today, your job is tremendously easier than the past two. I want you to start a conversation, and you
can do it with whoever you wish. The only requirements are this:

1. It should be with someone you don't talk to multiple times every day (that's a little too easy).

2. It should be an open-ended conversation, not a quick question/answer type of scenario.

The key to ending the conversation depends on two factors:

1. Finding the right moment to cut it off.

The perfect time to leave a conversation is different for each one but, almost always, you'll feel a lull
in energy. Conversations naturally trail off as energy dies out, and they only become tedious when
you let your insecurities get in the way and give in to the urge to force it to continue by coming up
with something new to say.

2. Using a cut off tactic that isn't rude or too abrupt.

Excusing yourself is a bit of an art. All that's necessary is a polite, "It's been really great chatting
with you. I have to run now." That's a very direct way to end a conversation. If you don't feel ready
for that, you can fall back on the indirect method where you blame your departure on something
else:

1. I need to use the restroom.

2. I have a call scheduled now.

3. I left my dog in the car.

Day 12

Invite your co-workers out after work

Today, your job is to change this. Not for everyone, of course. But for a few of the people you see
day in and day out who you've always wanted to know a little better, but haven't made time to.

Today, schedule some sort of get-together with one or more of your co-workers. If you don't have
co-workers, go back to your list from Day 1 and schedule with someone you'd like to deepen your
relationship with.

Whatever the context of your relationship is now (work/school/etc.), try to schedule something in a
different context. Don't schedule a work meeting with co-workers. Invite them out to happy hour one
day or to hang out on the weekend. Don't schedule a study session with your classmates. Go do
something non school-related.

You can get coffee, go for a drink, attend a sporting event, or just get together and hang out. It
doesn't matter what it is. Your only goal today is to move a one-dimensional relationship into a new
dimension.
Day 13

Determine your attachment style

One of the most useful tools for understanding human relationships is what's called "attachment
style." It describes your default method for building and maintaining relationships.

There are 4 different types, and you could have any one of them depending on many different
factors.

Here's how each is generally described:

Secure: You're considered to have a secure attachment style when you don't struggle to form bonds
with others and you don't worry about being lonely or if other people accept you.

Anxious-Preoccupied: This could be you if you often feel like you give more to your relationships
than you get back.

Dismissive-Avoidant: If you place extreme value on your independence and tend to think less of
others than you do yourself, you might be the dismissive-avoidant type.

Fearful-Avoidant: This style is similar to the dismissive-avoidant, but instead of being a little too
into yourself, you struggle to trust others and fear people you let close to you will hurt you.

=== TODAY'S CHALLENGE ===

Your job today is to recognize your attachment style. Read over the descriptions above and the
resources linked below to decide where you fall.

There's nothing you need to do with this information right now. Being aware of your attachment
style, though, will allow you to look at how you relate to other people more objectively, and you'll
start to recognize when you do things that make it more difficult to build healthy connections.

---

Read more about attachment style:

http://riskology.co/attachment-style/

See a graphic representation of the different styles here: http://i0.wp.com/riskology.co/wp-

content/uploads/2015/01/attachment-style.jpg

Day 14

Determine your relationship theory

Today, you're going to determine another personal trait: your relationship theory.

Your relationship theory is the way you think about relationships.

Psychological research has narrowed relationship theory to two easy-to-understand categories. You
either hold what's known as the "growth theory" or the "destiny theory."

Growth Theory: You believe relationships take work and the best ones develop over time. You
believe challenges make relationships stronger, and you commit to working through them.

Destiny Theory: You believe people are either meant to connect and build relationships or they
aren't. You believe creating the best relationships depends on finding the right people in the first
place and that confrontation or difficulties are a sign that a relationship will inevitably fail.

According to most research, the people who report being the happiest are also the ones who hold the
growth theory.

=== TODAY'S CHALLENGE ===

Today, I want you to determine what your own relationship theory is. Look at all your friendships
and even current and past romantic relationships. Ask yourself, "How did the way these relationships
develop fit into either the growth theory or the destiny theory."

The strategy to build yourself into someone who strongly holds the growth theory is to pay attention
and recognize when you're behaving in a way that lines up with the destiny theory. Then, pause for a
moment and ask yourself what you could change to better align with the growth theory. Over time, it
will become more natural and automatic.