100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 1 WOLFGANG RIEBE

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100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 2 WOLFGANG RIEBE

 100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES
1. Say this to your assistant: I want you to dismiss from your
mind all thoughts that I am going to try and deceive you, and
that you should try and see how it is done. I have absolutely
no desire to deceive you, and still less that you should see
how it is done.

2. Alternatively, you can also say: Don't believe what you see -
believe what I say.

3. Have you got a hanky? Well wipe your nose, yea, the light is
reflecting on a bogie, and it is distracting me!

4. Only if you have the right audience and assistant try this: Ask
the assistant to borrow their handkerchief, preferably an
unused one. Make a big thing about this, and then apparently
blow your nose in it loudly and return it, simply saying,
“Thanks.”

5. If an assistant doesn't laugh at a corny joke, say: Hey Jim, if

you can't laugh at the jokes of this age, then at least laugh at
the age of the jokes.

6. If a lady in the audience laughs hysterically, say: Please lady,

someone has to sit in that chair after you... I think you had
better come onto stage to assist me.

7. When borrowing an assistant's ring, say: Oh, what a nice

ring, look, there is even a place for a stone!

8. So, you are retarded? Oh, sorry, I mean, retired?

9. Alternatively, when borrowing a male assistant's ring, look on

the inside and say: Oh, what's engraved here? “To Bob, with
passionate and lustful love, John!”

10. Yes, do come right up the golden staircase!

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 3 WOLFGANG RIEBE

11. I'm sorry did I wake you up?

12. You have no other place to go?

13. I once asked someone to help me out, and the next thing I
knew I was in the alley.

14. When a pretty assistant goes back to her seat, take out a
pair of binoculars, and follow her.

15. When an assistant walks off stage: “Do you drink? Yes! Well,
here are some straws!” (Give a few straws from your pocket.)

16. Cut the stem just under a rose, and hold the stem and rose
as one Give the stem section to a lady assistant, and you are
left with the rose.

17. You are from out of town? Is it a pleasure trip, or do you have
your wife with you?

18. Look at a man in the audience: Is that your wife sitting next to
you, or is this a business trip?

19. Go up to a person and look them in the face saying: “I need a

volunteer... anyone ... just raise your hand.”

20. Hi there, and what is your name? Christopher! Ah, good

memory!

21. If an assistant approaches the stage very slowly: Boy, look at

him rushing towards the stage, he must work for the Post
Office!

22. Bald headed man: How do you like that? Flesh coloured hair.

23. If someone takes a photo of you during your show: I'll have
two enlargements and a single print, thank you.

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 4 WOLFGANG RIEBE

24. A good gag to arrange with a lady before she comes onto
stage: Hello, what's that? I met you in a hospital? You were
in the same room as me? What's the name again? Oh...
hello mother!

25. It's a real pleasure to be... (Stop suddenly as if you have

spotted someone in the audience). Oh, good evening to you
sir. It is so nice to see you. Are you comfortable? You sure?
That's good I am ever so pleased. (Look aside to audience
and whisper to them)... My bank manager! (Then get this
person to assist you on stage.)

26. I am going to perform a trick for you that I had the pleasure of
performing before the King of England last night. Yes, I did!
Well he said he was the King of England... he did so... I did
this trick for him and when I finished he said, “If you are a
magician, then I'm the King of England!”

27. Now Bob, I am going to try a psychic experiment. Are you

telepathetic? Ooer, I mean, telepathic!

28. I need the assistance of a man who is used to making his

own decisions. Is there an unmarried man present?

29. What’s your name? Mark! That sounds like a dog with a hair
lip!

30. When you get a pretty lady assistant on stage ask her if she
is married, and then reply: I have terrible luck, every time I
meet a nice girl, either she is married or I am!

31. When you get a stunning lady assistant on stage: I'm a man
of few words, “Let's, my place, now!”

32. It might interest you that I have studied the art of mind
reading In fact I have become quite proficient at it. I can look
an assistant right in the eye, and tell exactly what they think
of my act. Yet I still don't chase them off the stage!

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 5 WOLFGANG RIEBE

33. When you use an assistant on stage, say to him/her: Pay
attention, as I ask questions at the end of the trick

34. Just before you do a really good trick, place your hand on
your assistant's forehead, as the evangelists do, and say: Do
you believe?

35. Just before you need an assistant, look at anyone in the

audience and say: What's the matter? You can't hear me. So
why are you complaining? And then get this person up onto
stage.

36. I was doing a show the other night, when the fellow assisting
me said, “So, you are the world's greatest magician?” I said,
“Yes.” He said, “Small world, isn't it?”

37. Just before commencing the trick, look at the assistant and
say: This is going to be as unbelievable as a TV commercial.

38. Did your wife buy you that shirt? Boy she must hate you!

39. Your hair looks nice; did you come on the back of a bike?

40. Where are you from? Are you married/engaged? Show us

your rings? No, the one on your finger!

41. How many kids have you got? 3/4/5/6... Must be something
in the air... your legs!

42. If mini skirts get any higher said the fairy to the gnome then
you will have two more cheeks to powder and a little more
hair to comb!

43. If a lady has a serious look on her face: Don't look so

serious, you might have the dates wrong!

44. Don't pick your nose; we just swept up here!

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 6 WOLFGANG RIEBE

45. Don't pick your nose; your head may cave in!

46. Bald headed man: Sir, please put your hat on, your head is
shining in my eyes.

47. Bald headed man: Is that your head, or are you sitting upside
down?

48. Bald headed man: Whatever they say about baldness it's
neat!

49. Bald headed man: A good thing about being bald, when you
find a hair in your soup, you know it's not yours.

50. Bald headed man: He once had wavy hair, now he only has a
beach left.

51. Bald headed man: This trick will blow the hair off your head...
oh I see you've seen it already!

52. Bald headed man: Well, look at it this way; you'll never go
grey.

53. Why, it is so nice to see you all so happy... have you ever
thought that at this very moment your house good be on fire!

54. If someone coughs in the audience: You have a cold? Soon

we will all have a cold!

55. Call to someone off stage: Now Lana, put down the gun...
you'll just have to make up your mind and forget me.

56. When using children:

Magician: What's your name?
Child: John!
Magician: And how long have you had that name?
Child: ?????

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 7 WOLFGANG RIEBE

57. Magician: What's your name?
Child: Pam!
Magician: And what were you called before you had that
name?
Child: ?????

58. Bald headed man: Would you please turn your head the
other way. It's shining in my eyes... you would have a tough
time selling him a hair-raising story.

59. Spectator wearing a sports shirt: I once moved from an

apartment because it had wallpaper like that.

60. Your name is John. I had a friend who's name was John. In
fact I called him John for short - his name was Joe.

61. Where are you from? Here? Well stop right there!

62. And now for the next trick I'd like the assistance of a kind
gentleman... any kind... well, I'd rather not get the funny kind.

63. The next trick is very difficult. And I'd like the help of
someone who doesn't give up easily. Is there an insurance
salesman present?

64. To a lady: You can stand closer, I don't bite. Unless I know
you very well... mind you, and then I only nibble.

65. Bring a chair. Thanks. Now fetch one for yourself.

66. We'll put you near the microphone, so watch the language.

67. I'm very happy for you to meet me.

68. Are you honest? You are? All right, I want you to pretend that
you are a Scotchman, and hold this tight.

69. What is your name? I am so sorry.

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 8 WOLFGANG RIEBE

70. What is your name? Cheryl. Can I call you Cheryl? You can
call me anytime!

71. Now here is a girl with plenty of polish, on her fingernails!

72. Give me your hand... no, the clean one... oh, that was the
clean one!

73. To a lady assistant: I'm sure you've seen a magician on TV

before and you have always wanted to get real close to see
how it is done. Well, here is your chance. Not to see how it is
done, but to get real close!

74. Are you happy? Well, then smile!

75. What's your name? Great... we should be able to name our

parents.

76. What is your name? John. Can I call you John? Thanks, you
can call me Sir!

77. What's your name? Frank? What's your first name? Frank?
Oh, Frank, Frank!

78. When using two assistants: You stand the same distance
from him, as he is standing from you.

79. If an assistant is very tall: You're a big fella, you can do what
you like.

80. Confirm that this is normal. “Yes it is.” Thank you, your
cheque is in the post.

81. I need one volunteer please... just hold up your hand... I'll
know what you mean!

82. When a lady assistant comes onto stage, say: “What is your
name, what do you enjoy, and how often?”

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 9 WOLFGANG RIEBE

83. What's your name? Good memory!

84. Are you busy? No, then come up and help me please.

85. If a spectator is wearing different colour pants to his jacket: I

see you didn't know which suit to wear this evening.

86. I like your tie (Jacket); it looks like a test pattern for TV.

87. Did you know that entertainers and lectures have a method
for locating the intelligent members of their audience? They
sit up straight, like this, whereas the simple minded folk sort
of slump in their seats... what's everyone straightening up
for?

88. He's an auctioneer, which means he has no friends, just

nodding acquaintances!

89. How about you madam, you look simply... simply aching to
come up onto stage. They do say that coming up onto stage
gives you the second nicest feeling in the world. Care to try?

90. You look easy enough to fool.

91. That's a very nice dress you almost have on.

92. You can sit down, but watch out for that suit, you might bend
the starch.

93. If a man has his hands in his pocket: I'd shake your hand, but
I see you are busy! Keep it up and you'll go blind! Were you
also told that as a child? What wasted years!

94. Are the glasses, moustache, and nose connected?

95. Your name is, 'Fred?' What's your wife called, 'Wilma?'

96. If an assistant is very tall: Were you born in a green house?

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 10 WOLFGANG RIEBE

97. When an assistant wears glasses: I love it when they wear
glasses, they are so easy to fool. You just go [breathe on the
glasses].

98. Take a sip from someone's drink and say: Don't worry I didn't
backwash. Of course I have had this cold sore on my lip for
months... I did that one night and the guy said, “Yea, me too!”

99. When pointing to a prospective assistant, and the person

next to him/her answers: Your friend must be a ventriloquist?
Ha, then you must be the dummy! I didn't even see his I her
hand up your back!

100. When asking someone his or her name: What's your name?
That's my dogs name too! Are you also house trained?

101. When introducing yourself to someone: Have we met before?

No! Then how do you know it's me?

102. What’s your name? Sorry? (Make as if you cannot hear it so

that the person repeats their name) Hey, I heard you the first
time, I’m just... Sorry!

100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 11 WOLFGANG RIEBE

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100 ASSISTANT ONE-LINER JOKES 12 WOLFGANG RIEBE