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Jessica Luna

ENG 1A CTW 1

Mr. Medina

23 September 2020

Todo Cambi : Everything Changed

I could feel my heart s palpitations increasing as my mom s silver van pulled up to the

red drop-off lane. The anxiety in my head throbbed in my skull, rapidly coursing down through

my hands and into my tense fingers where it stung, before quickly traveling back up again. The

heavy knot in my chest prevented me from speaking; I was too focused on trying to regulate my

breathing. From the passenger's seat, I turned my distressed face towards my mom hoping for

some consolation, only to be reprimanded for being anxious. As much as I desperately tried to

shake this feeling off by myself, I couldn t. How was my coloredness supposed to feel welcomed

at a private Catholic school where the majority of the students are rich and white?

During my first year of high school, I tested into Spanish 3 Honors, an accelerated class

composed of juniors and seniors. I was one of the three freshmen that had qualified for this class

and yet, I felt inferior to everyone in the class. Just by looking at my classmates, I was reminded

of the differences between myself and them: I was a first generation student of color born from

immigrant parents. According to classist America, I was on the bottom of the rungs among my

rich white classmates. Whenever a classmate complained about their abhorration for the Spanish

language, I felt my face flush hot with embarrassment and anger. In the story How To Tame a

Wild Tongue, Anzaldua describes this exact experience: if you want to really hurt me, talk

badly about my language. Ethnic identity is twin skin to linguistic identity I am my language.

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Until I can take pride in my language, I cannot take pride in myself (Anzaldua 81). In Latino

culture, the ability to speak Spanish is often a needed skill in order to interact with loved ones

and family. Many keystone dishes and cultural celebrations are in Spanish, therefore degrading

the Spanish language inherently illegitimizes the Latino culture. This critique on our linguistics

is an attack on our way of communication, which is crucial in order to understand our culture and

identity. As long as a Latino is culturally involved, they will be unable to separate themselves

from the Spanish language. Hearing my own classmates speak poorly of my language was an

insult and a criticism of me, and I internalized it. In response, I taught myself to be quiet and

complacent, to not participate even when I knew the answer.

I did not want to have my language or culture criticized. It was already difficult enough

going to school everyday and being one of the few people of color in the classroom. In my

freshman friend group, we were all first generation Latinas, and I affiliated myself with them

solely because we had the same background, which back then I found comforting. During lunch

period, we would often find ourselves saying phrases or full-on conversations in Spanish. At

times I felt reluctant to speak, thus relinquishing my opportunity to exercise my gift of language,

recalling the moments where I would occasionally overhear classmates expressing their distaste

for Spanish. They thought it was so hard and pointless; they only took advanced Spanish courses

for the benefit of their transcript. At times I thought about confronting them with a witty remark

and leaving them speechless, but I knew they would just look at me bewildered because they did

not understand the struggle or pride in having language duality. So I said nothing.

For my sophomore year I qualified for AP Spanish Language, which was taught by the

only native Spanish teacher in the school. Our first project was to make an oral presentation on

“For the slightly educated and agringado

Chicanos, there existed a sense of shame at

being caught listening to our music” (Anzaldua

83)

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one aspect of Cuba s diverse culture. I chose to talk about the history of the almendrones, vintage

taxis. It took me about two days to fully memorize the script for my presentation: I wanted it to

be perfect. As I stepped up to the podium, I felt myself shrink for a little before starting my

presentation but once I had finished, my chest felt spacious and relaxed as I figuratively stood on

top of the podium. Unexpectedly, my teacher decided to correct my presentation in front of the

entire class: raite , the word I had used to describe to give a ride , was not a word. This wind

of words struck me across the face, toppling me off of the podium which I stood upon, sending

me down into a pit where I questioned the legitimacy of my tongue. I felt like I did not know my

own language: Deslenguadas. Somos los del espa ol deficiente...linguistic mestizaje...somos

huérfanos we speak an orphan tongue (Anzaldua 80). My whole life I grew up using raite ,

how was it possible that an AP Spanish student did not know the proper word for to give a

ride ?

All of the Spanish speakers I knew were familiar with the word raite , so it never hit me

that it was made-up slang. In Spanish class, we learn proper Spanish, that being Castellano

Spanish. However, Spain is not the only country that speaks Spanish, in fact, most of Latin

America speaks Spanish. It is an embarrassment that Spanish teachers never educate us on more

common words that Latinos use in daily dialogue. In the classrooms, native Spanish speakers are

told they need to learn grammar, as if their language was incorrect or improper. In this, the

school, and our own education, is letting us know that our Mestizo and Latinamerican tongue is

deficient; it needs to be fixed. High School Spanish teachers spend so much time focusing on

proper Castellano Spanish that they push aside Latinamerican Spanish. When they push aside

our own language, our culture is cast aside as well. You cannot tell a native Spanish speaker

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that word does not exist in the Spanish language, it's not the correct term . It immediately

invalidates themselves and their culture, along with any conversations they ve had while using

that word. That grammatically incorrect word looked down upon is used constantly among a

whole Spanish-speaking community, and to them it has meaning.

During my Junior year, I was excited to take AP Spanish Language because I wanted to

read and analyze texts in Spanish. I was proud of myself because I was taking the most advanced

course. However, It did not take long for me to be disappointed in the class. My teacher (who

was white), was not as capable as the rest of the girls in my class when it came to speaking

Spanish, and as a fluent speaker, it felt like a mockery. It was the biggest irony to me that the

white teacher was teaching fluent Latinos how to read a Spanish text (along with its culture).

Every time I had to go to the class, I felt upset and even frustrated because the teacher never

went deeper into the texts as she could have. She glossed over the cultural significance of the

texts we read. It also upset me that the majority of the AP Spanish Language texts focused on

Spanish texts (from Spain). Very few texts were from Latin America, and this small fact made

me feel like an impostor among my own language. It felt like it wasn t even mine; and that

Hispanics or Latinos or Chicanos or Mexicans like me did not belong. I was reminded of these

experiences when i read, The US, a country where students in high schools and colleges are

encouraged to take French classes because French is considered more cultured (pg. 81).

Unfortunately, even within a Spanish class, the curriculum has been designed to wash over the

cultural aspects of a language. Teachers focus more on the culture of Spain, thus minimizing the

diverse cultures of all of Latin America. It is important to note that the majority of foreign

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language classes taught in American schools stem from Europe. Although Mandarin is one of the

most popular languages in the world, few American schools teach it. Education is only one part

of the destructive machine that is colonialism.

For the majority of my life, I have struggled with my Chicana identity. I wanted to claim

I am Mexican , but I was born on American soil, and it felt wrong to pretend to be someone I

wasn t. Many children born of immigrant parents experience impostor syndrome. They feel they

are a part of both their parents and home country s culture, and yet a part of neither. This

phenomenon occurs when two parts of one s identity contradicts with the other. For Chicanos,

On one side of us, we are constantly exposed to the Spanish of the Mexicans, on the other side

we hear the Anglos incessant clamoring so that we forget our language (pg. 84). As Chicanos

strive to deepen their understanding and relationship with their ancestor s culture, they are

berated and illegitamized by the Americans. This struggle with identity that the author highlights

is futile as it can please neither side. This internal power struggle is dangerous since paying too

much attention to one side can result in cultural loss. The cost of losing knowledge of the

oppressed culture (Mexican) is much greater than losing knowledge of the oppressing culture

(American). However, fully embracing Mexican culture results in consequences for the

individual as they are seen as an outcast in American society. The only option for Chicanos then

is to accept their linguistic and cultural duality.