Francelle Dubuisson

Professor Pedrotti

ENG-1201

1 November 2020

How can a traumatic childhood affect your mental health, relationship yourself and others in

your life?

Mental health has been something I always have struggled with. I went through a lot

during my childhood and never dealt with it until recently. The older I got, the worse and worse

my mental health. I became more and more depressed and my anxiety grew more severe. I did

not understand it when I was younger. I felt so different from everyone else. I was convinced that

I was the only person in my family and friend group that was going through this. As I got older, I

began to realize why I am the way I am: I never dealt with the problems I had growing up. I did

not trust people because I was betrayed so many times by my family members and I am really

big on family. My “fat” question is “how can a traumatic childhood affect your mental health,

relationship yourself and others in your life?”. I chose to answer this question because it means a

lot to me. It is a big part of my life and made me who I am as a person. My answer? A traumatic

childhood can have a negative effect on your mental health, relationship with yourself and others

in your life especially if you do not deal with it correctly.

As a young girl, I never knew what a “healthy” household looked like. My relationship

with my dad is not the greatest. He left my mom, my sister and me for selfish reasons. As a

result, the three of us moved from New Jersey to Ohio when I was five years old. As a child, I

did not fully understand what was happening. Why were we moving to Ohio, of all places, so
suddenly? And why were we moving without my dad? I never had what I needed from my father

growing up: a fatherly figure. My sister and I always had access to him, but he failed to be the

dad and husband the three of us deserved. After a year or two, my dad moved to Ohio to closer to

my sister and me but never mended things with my mother. Instead, my father hid beyond lies,

making it impossible to have a relationship with my mom and give us a two-parent household we

deserved. When my dad moved to Ohio, my sister and I would stay with him from time to time. I

thought this was finally my chance to build a relationship with my dad. Even though my parents

were no longer living together, it was extremely important to me to have a great relationship with

both of my parents. Unfortunately, things did not turn out the way I had hoped. Whenever we

went to my dad’s house, he was really cold and forced his attention toward other things or shall I

say other people. I found out why my parents did not work out: my dad was meeting numerous

women on dating websites and any other way he could. There would be times I would have to

use his computer for schoolwork and see his dating profiles myself. He constantly lied to my

sister and me about everything. One time, while we were at his house, there was a woman there.

When I asked about my dad about who she was and why she was there, he would lie and make

up some outrageous story. My dad would blame all the problems between my mom on me. I was

not the most driven kid growing up. I never did my homework because I did not believe in

myself. I would make fun of other kids to lift myself up, started rebelling and always talked in

class because I did not care. I felt I was not going to become anything important . My dad told

me if I was a better student, daughter and an example for my little sister that my parents would

still be together. The more I heard this, the more I started to believe it. I strived to gain my

father’s approval. I started watching NBA and learning more about sports because I knew that

was something he enjoyed and bounded with my older cousins over. I even got involved in
volleyball and basketball so he could go to my games and we would be able to talk about it

together. It would be a bonding experience for the both of us. It still was not enough. He

constantly tore me down as a person. My confidence started to become little to none. While all of

this was happening, I never talked to anyone about it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed to have

a father like this. One who put their own selfish wants above their family. As I mentioned before,

I tore my school peers down. That period was definitely a blur but a lot of people I am friends

with now remember it perfectly because they were at the receiving end of the insults. It was

definitely a dark period in my life. I remembering hating myself and wondering why I was not

good enough for my dad? He was supposed to be my biggest fan but instead it was my biggest

hater. As I started middle school, I was still battling with the demons that I struggled with in

elementary. I thought concealing my emotions and focusing on becoming a better person would

help me heal from my past so that is exactly what I did. It worked for a while. I made a lot of

great friends, created unforgettable memories and for the first time in my life, I felt one thing I

have been striving to feel: happiness. Then, when I was ten years old, my grandma passed away

from breast cancer. This was devasting experience for my family because my mom lost her mom

and my sister, and I were not old enough to build a true bond with her. To this day, it is still

heartbreaking that we never got the relationship with her. She always wanted granddaughters to

go prom dress shopping with, go with us to get our ears pierced, etc. Shortly after my

grandmother’s death, my dad started to get sick. He was suffering from kidney and heart failure.

He started going to dialysis. In sixth grade, he moved to Florida to live closer to his mom and get

better treatment or so that is what he told my sister and me. It turns out he actually left to be

closer to one of his girlfriends. That is when I started to realize that my mom, my sister and I will
never be his number one priority. Knowing all of this as kid destroyed my confidence, self-

esteem and my trust in anyone especially males down the road.

It all changed when I met my first love. Little did I know, he would also be my first heart

break. For this part of the story and sake of privacy, I have decided to keep the boy’s real name

anonymous so I will call him Alex. His dad is the principal of the high school we went to. It

definitely was not love at first sight. All the girls were obsessed with him except for me. My first

impression was he is very different from any guy I have met. Alex was shy, incredibly

passionate, and focused on the more important things in life rather than the superficial things that

took all of our attention and he was only fourteen! I grew intrigued and wanted to learn more and

more about him every chance I got. As we got to know more about one another, we developed

feelings and became more than friends. This is when everything went downhill. Alex and I were

different in so many ways. From interests and hobbies to how we grew up, we were night and

day. At first, I did not see this as an issue. I learned so much from him and it is impossible to

learn that much from someone who is exactly like you. Once we entered high school, everything

changed. We grew closer as a couple. Before I met him, I was really closed off but once we

started talking and spending a lot of time together, I started to trust him. I opened up and showed

a part of myself that I have never shown anyone, not even my best friends. I even opened up to

him about my dad and the traumatic things I encountered growing up. Everything felt great but

soon things started to change. I started to feel the same way I did with my dad. Alex was great

guy, but I noticed he focused his attention towards other girls. Whenever I confronted him about

it, he would make up some story that did not make sense at all, but I wanted to believe him so

bad that I let myself believe him. I started to realize our relationship was becoming very toxic.

He constantly judged me for who I was friends with and the things I am very passionate about. I
started to think something was wrong with me. First my dad and now Alex? Would could I be

missing? I thought this feeling would never come back.

My high school career was full of on and off moments with Alex. I started to notice I was

becoming less and less important to him. I witnessed him falling out of love with me. At sixteen

years old, it was hard for me to come to terms with everything. Why was I not enough for the

two men in my life? This is when my mental health started declining. I grew very depressed. I

stopped eating and became more to myself. I hid my feelings in public. In my friend group, I was

the jokester. I found joy and pride in making others laughed. It helped hide how I was truly

feeling. I did not truly heal from my toxic relationship with Alex. We were in the same grade and

had a lot of mutual. I did not want our friends to feel uncomfortable around us. My relationship

with Alex was only getting worse. Our fights were starting to become more and more frequent.

The more we fought, the more vicious it was. Alex would get upset with me for the smallest

things such as eating meat because he is a vegetarian. He was very manipulative and made sure I

knew I meant nothing to him. He would say terrible things about me to our friends and other

people. I would confront him about it, and he would lie to me. We were on and off for almost

five years. This continued for almost three years. During my junior and senior year, I grew even

more miserable. The guy I was involved with was treating me poorly and I was starting to have a

lot of problems with a few of people in my high school. A lot of my “friends” did not value me. I

was constantly defending myself and I grew exhausted. When we graduated, I thought

everything would be better. We were starting to get along more and decided to give another our

relationship another chance. I stayed in Ohio for college and he went to Washington state. He

was only going to be able to come back for Christmas and summer break.
 While everything was going on with Alex, another boy entered into my life. I will call

him Andrew. When I met Andrew, I still had lose ends with Alex, so I was not in a place to get

to know someone else. Little did I know that Andrew would change my life forever. The more I

got to know Andrew, the more intrigued I grew. We were the same person and I did not know if

this was a blessing or a curse. The more a drifted away from Alex, I developed feelings for

Andrew. He was everything I wanted in a person: driven, passionate, hilarious, and original but I

never voiced those feelings out of respect of his relationship. We formed a bond that I have never

experienced before. Our friendship became very complicated. To make an incredibly long story

short, Andrew was in a long-distance relationship with another girl and it very toxic. His

girlfriend found out about our friendship and immediately hated me. Because of that, a lot of

drama occurred, and Andrew ended our friendship. In all honesty, it hurt me so much because I

did not do anything. Although I did not fully support their relationship because of how toxic it

was, I respected it by never trying anything with him. He knew all of this but still dropped me.

The worst part of this situation was how easy it felt for him to end our friendship. It did not seem

to have an effect on him at all while I was devasted. During this time, our whole dynamic was so

inconsistent and unnatural. In only a couple months of knowing each other, too much happened

between us. I found myself consistently making excuses for him. He has been through a lot and I

wish someone gave me the benefit of the doubt when I was going through everything I went

through. Once he cut me off, my last straw was pulled. The whole situation was a trigger because

I felt the same feeling I did when my dad left.

During these two situations, I realized more and more that sweeping my issues from my

childhood was having more of a negative impact on my life than I realized. Both with Alex and

Andrew situations were very draining but it was even more draining because I have issues with
males. The first male in my life failed me in multiple and never even apologized for it once.

Instead of being honest and working towards having an authentic relationship with his daughters,

my father decides to cover up his mistakes with lies. I tried numerous times to confront him

about the situation and hopefully move past everything but unfortunately, I would never get that

closure. My relationship with my mother was super rocky. Because we are so much alike, we

bumped heads a lot. I would try to talk to her about my depression and anxiety that I constantly

struggled with, but she would always shut me down. My mom grew up believing mental illness

is all in your head. She thought that if you did certain things such as get eight hours of sleep, eat

properly, etc., it will all disappear but that is not the case. Taking care of yourself properly does

help manage depression and anxiety but it does not cure it. I understand she was really hurt in the

situation with my dad, but I needed her to be a shoulder to lean on and I felt she was not there for

me. I could not lean on my sister because I did not want to burden with everything. She did not

know everything going on in our family and I wanted her to have the childhood and happiness I

was deprived of, so I started leaning on things.

During my freshmen year in college, I noticed a negative change in myself. I became

very distant and closed off. It was difficult for me to open up to others even my best friends

because everyone in my life who was supposed to be there had failed me and I was embarrassed.

I started seeking satisfaction and pleasure in superficial things. The things I started doing were

incredibly dangerous and against the person I knew I was. At that moment, I knew I hit rock

bottom. I did not know how to get over all of these feelings and emotions that I did not even

know to confront or deal with. These poor decisions led me to be even more depressed and

disappointed. I knew these superficial things were not a permanent fix. I needed to forget what I

was feeling. It felt that there were more bad days than good. I had never felt so alone and
discouraged. I did not want to be here anymore. I started to contemplate suicide. I never, ever

thought in a million years that I would ever had dreadful thought consume until that. Eventually,

my mom found out about everything I did in the past and my suicidal thoughts. She was

devasted. I have never disappointed her until that day. Although, I was terrified of my mom

finding everything out, it was also a blessing in disguise. She finally realized how hopeless I had

become and took my feelings more seriously.

Research has shown that there is a link between traumatic childhoods and mental

illnesses. Thousands of people have or are currently going through a trauma that is having a

negative effect on their life. Many researchers have done studies on the connection between

childhood trauma and mental illnesses. The National Institute of Mental Health, also known as

USA, defines childhood trauma as “The experience of an event by a child that is emotionally

painful or distressful, which often results in lasting mental and physical effects”. Trauma comes

in many different forms: sexual or physical abuse, broken families, death or murder, witnessing

or experience violence in family, home or community, etc. There is a study called The Adverse

Childhood Experience (ACE) Study that was long-term study since 1995 and it included over

17,000 people. The study included white, middle-class, college-educated Americans. This study

put childhood trauma into ten categories: emotional, physical, sexual abuse, parental substance

abuse, parental separation and/or divorce, mentally ill or suicidal household member, violence to

mother, imprisoned household member, abandonment and child’s basic physical and/or

emotional needs unmet. The survey questionnaire asked questions about all the categories listed.

“Trauma in early childhood can be especially harmful. Early childhood trauma generally means

trauma between birth and the age of six. A child’s brain grows and develops rapidly, especially

in the first three years. Young children are also very dependent on the caregivers for care, nurture
and protection. This can make young children especially vulnerable to trauma. When trauma

occurs early it can affect a child’s development. It can also affect their ability to attach securely,

especially when their trauma occurs with a caregiver.” (blueknot.org).

According to this quote, trauma in an early childhood can have a negative effect on a

child’s development. Children and adolescents have different responses to traumatic experiences.

Although every child and adolescent have various responses to traumatic experiences, many of

their reactions are identical to behaviors that health professionals have seen on a daily basis.

These include loss of interest in normal activities, sleep disturbance, separation anxiety, anger,

irritability, reduced concretion, decline in schoolwork, etc. “Social cognition is a psychology

term related to how people process and apply information regard other people and social

interactions.” (Pedersen 2018) Childhood traumas effect how you interact with others. “The

association between childhood adversity and insecure attachment is supported by a number of

studies. Once a dysfunctional attachment pattern is formed in childhood, it tends to persist later

in life and can cause misperceptions of others’ intentions and beliefs.” (Pedersen 2018).

Interactions with other people become more challenging. As I mentioned before, I developed

trust issues. These trust issues made it tough to great bonds. I struggled with thinking others

wanted the best for me. Showing love to others was easy but difficult to accept it from others.

Studies have shown a connection between childhood trauma and depression, psychological

distress and psychiatric disorders. Studies have also shown that poor mental health has negative

outcomes in adulthood. There are different outcomes for each struggle. For example, someone

who has been sexual abused may suffer from fear, anxiety, depression, sadness and sometimes

PTSD. In some situations, trauma can lead to suicide. According to a news report from the U.S.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, from 1999 to 2018, the suicide rate rose from 10.5
to 14 per 100,000. Researcher found out the rate of suicide increased by 1% a year from 1999 to

2006 but then it rose to 2% from 2006 through 2018.

In conclusion, a traumatic childhood can have a negative effect on your mental health,

relationship with yourself and others in your life. Depending on the situation, the trauma faced

from your childhood can make or break you as an individual. At first, I did not know how to

overcome my depression and anxiety or at least have more control over it. I thought that it would

have to be something I grew into. It turns out mental health is a journey. In order for you to feel

better and be the best version of yourself, you have to face my problems head on rather than

sweeping them on the rug. In high school, it was challenging for me to create special bonds with

others. Many people did not value me, and it made me comes to the conclusion that something

was wrong with me, but I could not have been more wrong. I decided I want to turn my life and

mindset around. Although all my feelings were valid, I realized that I am also to blame for how I

feel. I allowed to let the misfortunes in my life control me. I can be a happy person if I really

wanted, I just did not know how. I realized I love helping others. I decided to become a camp

counselor. Because I am very passionate about sports, I also worked in the sports department. It

was one of the best I grew up going to the camp I was a counselor at, so I was already familiar

with the people there. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself. As a

counselor, I had an opportunity to make an impact on someone else’s life and felt I had a

purpose. Teaching kids how to play certain sports and bonding with them through the games we

played we were on my favorite things. I created bonds with other staff members that have

become some of my closest friends. I am definitely doing better than I was before. I officially cut

Alex out of my life, Andrew broke up with his girlfriend and now we are working on our
friendship, and I have been trying to build a relationship with my dad. Although I am not even

close to where I want to be, I am growing as an individual and I could not be prouder of myself.
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