Feeling Buddies: Bad guys or buddies?

Heidi Condrey, M.Ed. Conscious Discipline  Certified Instructor

heidi.condrey@consciousdiscipline.com

Conscious Discipline  is a comprehensive home and classroom management

program and social-emotional curriculum based on current brain research, child
development information, and developmentally appropriate practices. Conscious
Discipline has been specifically designed to make changes in the lives of adults
first. The adults, in turn, change the lives of children.
Conscious Discipline,, The Safe Place, Feeling Buddies, and School Family are registered
trademarks of Loving Guidance, Inc. 

1. Self-Regulation Takes Two

Self-regulation is the conscious and unconscious ability to regulate our thoughts, feelings and actions in
service of a goal. It is the core of emotional wellbeing for success in academics and in life. Research identifies
self-regulation as the foundation for our performance in all domains from reading to getting along with others
(Lyon & Krasnegor, 1996). Healthy self-regulation is related to the capacity to tolerate the sensations of distress
that accompany an unmet need (Perry, 2001). It is the essential life skill that puts a pause between
stimulus and response.

As adults, we have the ability to be conscious of our emotions and the way that we feel them in our bodies. This
awareness is the first step in identifying and managing our feelings. It is the essential life skill that puts a pause
between stimulus and response, giving us control over primitive instincts and survival reactions. Children’s self-
regulatory systems need attuned adult responses to help them mature and develop in a healthy way. Attuned
adult responses
 Teach children that emotions have value
 Help children put a pause between their feeling and action
 Help children learn that distress is temporary and will pass
 Leads to development of higher cognitive functions such as impulse control, frustration tolerance,
empathy, emotional management and problem-solving skills
 See children’s emotional upset as a call for help and validate the children’s inner world

All conflict starts with upset. The ability to regulate the upset make conflict resolution possible. Our emotions
have messages for us. When we listen to those messages, they can become our internal guidance system
for healthy self-regulation and problem-solving. Our feelings can be the bridge that leads us from a problem to
the solution. We coach children through recognizing and listening to their feelings. Children coach their Feeling
Buddy through recognizing and listening to their feelings. Over time children are able to internalize the dialog
that will help them handle tough emotions and strengthen self-regulation skills within themselves.

Feeling Buddy Message

Scared I need help from an adult to feel safe.
Anxious Breathe deeply, focus on the present, get more information.
Angry Calm down and change.
Frustrated Calm down and patiently see or do things differently.
Sad Seek comfort from those you love.
Disappointed Keep breathing. I can handle this.
Happy I am love and so are you. I can share love.
Calm All is well.

2. The Five Steps of Self-Regulation

Coaching children through strong emotions begins with attunement and mature empathy. The skill of Noticing
can help children become conscious of their strong emotions.

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 Noticing D.N.A.

Describe the body. “Your face is going like this. Your mouth is going like this.”

Pause and Breathe

Name the feeling. “You seem________.”

Acknowledge the child’s intent or desire. “You wanted____. You were hoping____.”

Self-regulation begins with conscious awareness of our upset or knowing that something has triggered an
emotion. With that self-awareness, we can begin to engage strategies to actively calm ourselves and identify
and separate ourselves from our feelings. From here, we can use self-talk to further calm ourselves, accept our
feelings, make choices about how we will think about our feelings and move toward solutions.

COACHING CHILDREN
STEP DESCRIPTION
1 I Am Becoming aware that something has triggered an emotion. Noticing D.N.A.
2 I Calm Breathing deeply and noticing the emotion. Pause and breathe deeply to download calm.
Tell your buddy, “Hello ___. Welcome ___. Your
Accurately identifying and naming the feeling. Separating eyes are going like this. Your mouth is going like
3 I Feel
ourselves from the feeling. this. You seem ____. Breathe with me, ___.” (3
deep breaths)
Befriending the feeling through acceptance. Reframing the Tell your buddy, “You’re safe. You wanted ____.
4 I Choose
problem with positive intent. You can handle this. Take another deep breath.”
“____ has a message that says, ____. My buddy
5 I Solve Finding solutions to the problem that triggered the emotion. and I help each other handle big feelings.” What
could your Feeling Buddy do to solve this?

3. Coaching Self-Regulation with Feeling Buddies.

Daily teachable moments

Coach children in the moment when they are upset. Begin with Noticing D.N.A. to help children move from upset to
calm and to help them become conscious of their bodies and their feelings. Use these opportunities of frustration,
sadness, or disappointment to reinforce the language and concepts of managing strong feelings.

The Safe Place self-regulation learning center

Set up the Safe Place as a place to teach children strategies for changing their inner state from upset to calm.
Include tools to help children actively calm their bodies and to identify and manage (name and tame) their big feelings
as well as to problem solve. A great resource is The Safe Place in Shubert’s classroom on the Conscious Discipline
website. Go with a child when strong emotions bubble up and coach them through the process of identifying their
emotion and choosing the corresponding Feeling Buddy, using calming and choice items purposefully describe their
feelings and choose healthy ways to respond to the messages embedded in the basic feelings.

The Feeling Buddies Curriculum

The Conscious Discipline Feeling Buddies Curriculum is a rich resource that will guide you through the self-regulation
process to teach basic self-regulation skills and coach children to use these skills with their Feeling Buddies. The
curriculum contains thirty lesson plans to help children deepen their understanding of emotions and how to handle
them, beginning with reading body language and facial expressions to understanding their emotions and labeling their
feelings. The curriculum includes teaching calming and problem-solving strategies. The curriculum comes with
support materials including an instructional DVD and templates and reproducible materials.

Resources
 Bailey, Becky A. (2011) Creating the School Family. Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance.
 Bailey, Becky A. (2011) Managing Emotional Mayhem. Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance.
 Bailey, Becky A. & Valero, Lety (2012) Feeling Buddies Self-Regulation Curriculum. Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance.
 https://consciousdiscipline.com/free-resources/shubert/shuberts-classroom/safe-place/
 Lyon, G.R. & Krasnegor, N.A. (1996) Attention, Memory and Executive Function. Baltimore: Paul H. Brookes.
 Perry, Bruce. (2001) Keep the Cool in School: Self-Regulation – The Second Core Strength. Early Childhood Today. Scholastic. Retrieved
from http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/articles/teaching-content/keep-cool-school-self-regulation-second-core-strength.html

1.800.842.2846 www.ConsciousDiscipline.com ©2019 Loving Guidance, Inc.