How To Write A Letter or Email That Works (PDFDrive)

Chapter 10.
4 : How to write a letter or email that works
Chapter 10.4
How to write a letter or email

that works
This chapter includes:
J The most important principle

J How do you make it interesting?
J Does this apply to emails?
J Two proven roads to disaster
J Allocate your time correctly
J Five elements in success
J A successful formula
J How emails differ
J A letter that worked – and why
J The greatest challenge: how to begin
J Which openings work best?
J 21 approaches that work
J How should you vary the tone?
J How to write better
J How should it look?
J The PS – does it work?
J ‘The most successful advertisement in the history of the world’
J Seven deadly sins
J Further reading
Author/Consultant: Drayton Bird 10.4 – 1

Chapter 10.4 : How to write a letter or email that works
About this chapter

One of the first things you learn is to write letters. You start scribbling little
messages to your parents – then, later, proper letters.
Most people have a subconscious hangover from this beginning. We write these
first messages or letters to people who are intensely interested in us. When we get
older we learn the opposite.
What a shock it is to realise that few people care about us or what we have to say
– or sell! But it’s so easy to forget this.
So if you gain nothing else from reading this, remember to write for the benefit of
the reader, not yourself. You will then know more than most people who write to
sell – or for any other reason.
Drayton Bird
Drayton Bird Associates Business School, INSEAD (Paris), Manchester
Garden Studio University, IPADE (Mexico City), IPM (Lima),
32 Newman Street Juantong (Shanghai) and ESIC (Madrid).
London W1T 1PU
www.draytonbird.com He has worked, among others, for IBM, Avaya,
Cisco, HSBC, Mercedes-Benz, Toyota, American
The letter that helped Express, British Telecom, Xerox, Microsoft, The
launch the IDM written by Drayton Bird got 72 per Reader’s Digest, Virgin, Ford, Visa, McKinsey,
cent response. Professor Derek Holder, our Unilever, Price Waterhouse, Cap Gemini
founder said, “There is no better craftsman of the Consulting, Procter & Gamble, Nestlé and British
word in the world.” Airways.
That comment was made after reading How to Three years ago the Chartered Institute of
Write Sales Letters that Sell which a former IDM Marketing named him one of 50 living
Chairman called “The only book the subject individuals, worldwide, who have shaped modern
should ever need.” In 1982 Drayton also wrote marketing. Other names included Kotler, Peters
Commonsense Direct Marketing – published in 14 and Levitt.
languages and now about to come out in its 5th
edition. Drayton was a main Board member of the Ogilvy
Group. He has founded or co-founded five
The IDM named him one of their first six agencies and has interests in marketing-based
Honorary Fellows, and Educator of the Year. In firms in England, Asia and Australia.
2000 the Direct Marketing Association placed him
on their Roll of Honour. Drayton Bird Associates specialises in getting
measurably better results for clients. Drayton still
Drayton has spoken in 39 countries and many writes and supervises copy, and here he explains
business schools and universities, including what he has found works, why – and how you can
Columbia University, New York, The London do better.
Business School, Michigan State, Greenwich
10.4 – 2
Chapter 10.4
How to write a letter or email

that works
The most important principle
The point I made at the bottom of the last page was exemplified by the most
famous job application letter ever written: from Leonardo da Vinci to the Duke of
Milan.
You may think of Leonardo as a pretty nifty painter and sculptor, but those skills
were not what he focused upon when writing. He concentrated on two things he
knew really interested the duke: grandiose display and war.
So Leonardo touted himself as an expert in designing bridges and palaces, siege

engineering, manufacturing cannons, ships and armoured vehicles, and as a
master of hydraulics. He just mentioned he could sculpt and paint.
In other words, he looked at it from the customer’s point of view, not his. He
asked himself what the duke wanted, then told him he could deliver it.
The principles he followed apply to any good letter: learn as much as you can
about your prospects, then use that knowledge.
The great copywriter John Caples spent years testing to find the differences
between advertisements that got lots of replies and those that didn’t. What works
best is not ingenuity but news of benefits. This usually applies to any selling
message.
Advice from great writers:
Mark Twain said “There is only one brief solitary law for letter- writing. Write only about
things and people your correspondent takes a living interest in.” Failure to do this is by
far the most common mistake.
Jane Austen makes a point about style: “I have now attained the true art of letter-writing,
which we are always told is to express on paper exactly what one would say to the same
person by word of mouth.”
“I like letters to be personal – very personal – and then stop,” said Walt Whitman.
Charles Dickens has a neat exchange between Sam Weller and his father in The Pickwick
Papers: “That’s rather a sudden pull up, ain’t it Sammy?” enquired Mr. Weller. “Not a bit
on it,” said Sam; “she’ll vish there wos more, and that’s the great art o’ letter writin’.”
10.4 – 3
The classic on the need to edit is Blaise Pascal: “I have made this letter longer than usual,
only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”
Evelyn Waugh, complaining that his wife’s letters were dull, said a letter should be like a
conversation.
This doesn’t call for subtleties of grammar or a huge vocabulary. You must write
so that everybody understands. Many people now are poorly educated, yet their
money looks – and spends – just like everyone else’s.
When reading your copy, ask: if it were a conversation, would you like to join in?
When you read it are you proud of it or do you think, “This is the same old dreary
guff ”?
If so, rewrite it till it sounds natural and fresh.
How do you make it interesting?

People don’t read sales letters for fun. Your subject, though fascinating to you – it
is your livelihood – is unlikely to be to your reader.
You must write so engagingly that what you say becomes interesting to people who
are usually strangers with no desire to read what you write.
And you hardly ever know as much as you would like about them. If they are
customers that may be all you know. Maybe you can deduce some things. For
instance, that they are interested enough in widgets to have bought one. And if
they haven’t complained they may think yours are pretty good.
You may know other things if they are on a certain file on your database or are on
a rented list. But that may not be much when you want to write in a personal way.
And letters are – or should be – very personal. Apart from a conversation, face to
face or on the telephone, there is nothing more personal.
Does this apply to emails?

Something that lands on your computer screen may feel even more personal than
something arriving through your letterbox. So if you’re not tactful, it may feel even
more intrusive.
So how do emails differ from direct mail, especially letters? The medium is
different, but your aim (to get a reply or sale) is the same.
In a direct mail pack, as I hope you know, the letter is almost always essential, as
it is the most personal element.
An email written like a letter and looking like text usually beats one looking like
an ad or leaflet, as it too seems more personal, less commercial. Exceptions are
things that depend for their appeal on visual elements.
10.4 – 4
In direct mail if you can’t afford a letter and a brochure, an illustrated letter is a
good idea. An email equivalent is the Expedia example shown. This uses two
classic direct mail techniques – the questionnaire and the attempt to sell again
when people are still in the mood.
Long letters almost always do better than short, for reasons I shall explain, but I
have no evidence to show this is true of emails (though quite long ones often
work).
Two proven roads to disaster

Whether it’s an email or a letter, how do you write in a personal way to people you
don’t know who don’t want to read what you’ve written about something that may
not initially interest them?
The most common approaches lead to certain disaster.
This is because the writers haven’t thought properly. They try to communicate as
briefly as they can that the product or service is wonderful.
Many adopt the minimalist approach and settle for merely saying it exists –
usually starting with the dire phrase “We are pleased to announce …”
Such people fall into two opposite categories.
Either they are so blindly convinced of the merits of what they sell that they think
everyone else will be. Or they have so little faith in it that they feel they can never
make it interesting enough for anyone to read very much.
Both attitudes are fatal.
10.4 – 5
A third is just as bad – that of writers I call half-smart: they have given it some
thought – but not enough.
They decide people see far too many letters, commercials, posters and
advertisements, and rarely pay attention. So they try to be original, clever and
entertaining, luring prospects into the letter before springing the sales message
upon them.
Here the premise, that people get far too many sales letters already and don’t read
them, is false. In the UK despite all the howls about ‘junk mail’ just over one letter
a week per head of population goes out. Hardly an avalanche compared with the
US, where people get six times more.
And if you do try to entertain people, it’s extraordinarily hard to move from your
ingenious, witty or hilarious opening to talking about insurance or software.
It is not that people receive too many sales letters, but that they receive too many
irrelevant ones. When people say they hate junk mail, this is what they really
mean. They don’t like things that don’t interest them.
No need to be clever: just relevant

Anything sent to the right person about the right subject at the right time, and
appealing to their self-interest, will work. And it does not have to be clever.
If it is it may do better. But originality matters far less than relevance. Indeed,
unless you are very talented trying to be clever will probably frustrate your
purpose as the cleverness will get in the way of the message.
Moreover, what you may find original, funny or diverting is often of no interest –
or even incomprehensible – to your reader.
If people want to be entertained, they watch television, read novels or go to the

cinema. And very few people who write sales letters are as good at entertaining as
those who do it for a living – professionals.
Moreover, although maybe some people do relish clever sales letters, they can
only represent a tiny, very eccentric group among the population, not statistically
likely to be among those you wish to sell to.
Allocate your time correctly

The highest paid US sales-letter writer was once asked how he divided his time.
He replied that he spent 90 per cent of it preparing and only 10 per cent writing.
This did not surprise me, because most good writers spend far more time
thinking than writing.
You need much research and reflection before you start the copy. You must find
out all you can about the product or service; speculate about the people you are
writing to, play around mentally with possible ideas.
10.4 – 6
Every minute you spend doing so will be worth ten minutes spent later trying to
fix something which is wrong – wrong because you didn’t give it sufficient
forethought.
Here is a chart I made after trying to assess how I allocate my time:
Figure 10.4.1
Revising Research and

copy reflection
30% 30%
Stage 4 Stage 1
Stage 3 Stage 2
Drafting Jotting down

copy ideas
20% 20%
Five elements in success

Five things lead to a good letter. The first two, evaluating your product or service
and thinking about your prospects, matter most.
That is because you are trying to draw together those two things – what you sell
and who you’re selling to.
To achieve this, you have to know as much as possible about both. Only thus can
you hope to discover the benefit or combination of benefits most likely to do the
trick.
Next you must see if you can construct an offer or incentive to overcome people’s
reluctance to reply to someone they usually do not know, and even if they do
know them is not there to exert the full power of personal persuasion.
Next, comes technique: understanding how to construct an argument likely to

persuade people; knowing the various ploys and stratagems which work; and how
to write and lay out a letter in a way that will start and keep people reading.
The fifth element (the one most people often imagine to be most important) is
talent. If you have a natural talent for writing and persuasion you’ll find it easier
to produce letters that sell. But the good news is that since so many people get
everything else wrong, this matters less than you might think.
Notice that the first three of those five elements have little to do with writing, and
the fourth is only partly concerned with it.
10.4 – 7
A successful formula
Uncreative people find it hard to believe a formula can help in being creative.
Professionals know better.
As David Ogilvy, a great copywriter and champion of direct marketing, noted,

Mozart wrote 41 excellent symphonies – all to much the same formula.
If you don’t know what constitutes a great idea, wandering around mentally in
search of one is exhausting and fruitless.
But a formula that tells you what the elements are helps to keep you on track.
Here is one suggested over 50 years ago by Robert Collier, whom many consider
wrote the best book ever on how to write a sales letter:
1) The opening, which gets the reader’s attention by fitting in with his train of
thought and establishes a point of contact with his interests, thus exciting
his curiosity and prompting him to read further.
2) The description or explanation, which pictures your proposition to the

reader by first outlining its important features, then filling in the necessary
details.
3) The motive or reason why, which creates a longing in the reader’s mind for
what you are selling, or impels him to do what you want him to, by
describing – not your proposition but what it will do for him – the comfort,
the pleasure, the profit he will derive from it.
4) The proof or guarantee, which offers to the reader proof of the truth of your
statements, or establishes confidence by a money-back-if-not- satisfied
guarantee.
5) The snapper or penalty, which gets immediate action by holding over your
reader’s head the loss in money or prestige or opportunity that will be his if
he does not act at once.
6) The close, which tells the reader just what to do and how to do it, and
makes it easy for him to act at once.
Another slightly simpler formula is AIDCA:
G Gain attention with the incentive, plus news of benefits
G Immediately elaborate on your opening, to build interest
G Use word pictures to create desire
G Instil conviction with proof, testimonials
G Go all out for action! Remind them what they get by replying – and what
they miss if they don’t
Generally, as that formula suggests, benefits and incentives gain attention best.
But not always.
10.4 – 8
How emails differ

In emails the sender almost always matters most. We get far more emails than
letters and far more junk – spam. The quickest, most natural way to get rid of it is
to delete stuff from strangers.
The next most important email factor is the subject line. You can compare this to
an ad headline – but what might work in a headline or letter heading will not
always work in emails.
That is because big benefit promises using words like free and save scream
‘Spam’ to the reader (or his spam trapping service) and often get stopped or
arouse great suspicion.
So in subject lines curiosity often works best, especially if it implies a benefit.
If you use the recipient’s Christian name (not surname or full name) in the
heading it can work very well, just as personalisation usually does in direct mail –
but to a far greater degree in emails.
You can see what I mean in these DHL examples:
David Garfinkel is a copywriter and trainer who talks eminent sense and writes
very good emails, like this one. Note that his aim is to invite you to a free tele-
seminar, so as to sell you some training.
The opening is a fine example of saying something you will find it hard to disagree
with, and treating you as intelligent – something I cover later.
From: David Garfinkel [mailto:david@world-copywriting-institute.com]

Sent: Tue 31/10/2006 05:58
To: Drayton Bird
Subject: [copywriting] the middle zone
Moderation is not a quality you typically associate with copywriters. After all, copy is so often about
extremes... superlatives... the quintessential:
"The most important letter you ever read."
"Simply better than the rest."
"Protects you from the worst weather conditions."
But there is one area of copywriting that cries out for moderation -- not abstinence, not extremism, but
moderation -- and that is the area of Entertainment.
Most jolly hail-fellow-well-met ad agency employees act and think like advertising is ALL about
Entertainment.
Most tight-jawed, steely-eyed direct response advertisers say, without a trace a humor, that
entertainment belongs in the circus --it has no place in copy.
I say something different than all of them.
I say entertainment is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY --but it is one of the elements of your copy that calls
for moderation (perhaps the only one).
Here's why I say that.
"You can't bore people into buying." -- David Ogilvy, the old-school Madison Avenue guy for whom I
have immense respect. He took direct marketing principles to mainstream advertising and made a
fortune, for himself, his agency and his clients.
10.4 – 9
Several fortunes, actually.
Mr. Ogilvy was and is right. Boredom is not the ticket to higher response.
Then there's the other extreme. Chihuahuas that want American fast food from restaurants with one
Mexican word in the restaurant's name.
A shady-looking car salesman who talks fast while titles on the screen say "He's Lying."
Animated characters who stuff themselves with food and then croon, "I can't believe I ate the whole
thing."
Just three documented examples of "highly entertaining" ad campaigns that have led to REDUCED
sales.
But there's a middle ground -- a middle zone. That's what I want to talk to you about today.
I was reminded of the middle zone because two of my partners on a new venture (I'll tell you about it in
a minute) remarked that one very perceptive marketer had tracked the difference in response between
spoken audio messages with no background music and spoken audio with background music all the
way through.
Hands down, music in the background got MUCH higher response.
As I thought about why that might be, it occurred to me: People demand SOME entertainment when
they're being sold.
But here's the key word:
"Background."
Notice in this example that the music doesn't dominate or cry out for attention -- the voice message
(THE COPY) does. Yet, the music makes listening to the voice (THE COPY) all the more entertaining.
Without drawing attention away from the voice (THE COPY).
I'm being a little heavy-handed in the last two paragraphs with my use of capital letters to emphasize a
point.
If Bill Clinton were running for President of Advertising today (whatever that is), I'm sure his campaign
headquarters would have a big sign up there saying,
"It's the copy, stupid!"
Now comes the question: How do you make your copy moderately entertaining, without drawing
attention away from the sales message?
The answer is simple.
Hot buttons.
When you push people's hot buttons, they are entertained.
For an extreme and barely relevant, yet instructive, example, look at the box office report from last
weekend. Americans spent $34.3 million watching "Saw III," a movie that requires victims to engage in
self-mutilation for survival. I think. I read the review. I'm not going to go see it myself.
But. Millions of people did. Because it made them very, very afraid. Without putting them in actual
physical danger. In other words -- it pushed their hot buttons.
So how do you do this in copy?
First of all, for most readers of this newsletter, descriptions of self-mutilation are out.
No, in copy, it's a little more conservative and everyday. I've discovered five proven ways to push
people's hot buttons.
One of them is called "Describe How The Problem Plays Out."
10.4 – 10
Let's say you're marketing a coaching service, and you coach personal effectiveness for high achievers.
You might start by talking about when the prospect wakes up: 12 things immediately pop into the
prospect's mind, and he or she wonders if he can even complete even one of them in the course of the
day.
The prospect is wondering how to prioritize these twelve things because they're ALL important, but that
becomes easy to decide when one of the priorities turns into a crisis and becomes urgent. It gets your
total focus and miraculously, it gets done!
Only one problem.
11 other priorities didn't get touched, and three more popped up during the course of the day. So when
you wake up the next morning you're even further behind... now you have 14 things that need to be
completed...
By the way, does this sound familiar? If so, you are a typical entrepreneur/overachiever.
And if you are, I just bet that little description of how the problem plays out pushed your hot buttons.
Am I right?
Now, what about the other four ways?
Ah, there's a catch.
You knew there would be, didn't you?
The catch is, you have to listen to my teleseminar.
But the good news is that it's free!
Actually, we're going to cover a lot more than just the five ways to push people's hot buttons (although
that alone would make it worth attending).
It's on Thursday night at 6 pm Pacific / 9 pm Eastern.
To sign up, go to:
http://www.thecopywritersguild.com/go-thursday
Like I said, it's free. And besides 5 ways to push hot buttons, we're gong to talk about 6 ways to get
qualified traffic to your site.
How to create a squeeze page that converts.
A step-by-step method to write a sales letter that sells.
3 ways to increase revenue on every sale.
And a whole lot more.
Hope you can join me and Tim Erway for the free Copywriting Mastery Interactive Teleseminar on
Thursday.
Details on the Web site:
http://www.thecopywritersguild.com/go-thursday
See you there!
Cheers,
David Garfinkel
P.S. Remember... everything in moderation.
10.4 – 11
A letter that worked – and why
10.4 – 12
10.4 – 13
10.4 – 14
Does it gain attention with benefits and an incentive? Does it elaborate on the
promise to build interest? Does it give all the details and provide proof? Does it
go all out for action?
You might think home improvements – especially double glazing – are so boring
you should deal with them as briefly as possible.
That mistake was made by the letter this was tested against – it was just one page
long. This letter did 53 per cent better.
Don’t forget, the only people you should write to are those likely to be interested –
everyone else is a waste of time – but interested people will read a lot.
One reason why long copy generally beats short was well put by John Caples.
10.4 – 15
In an interview he said: “Give people every reason to do what you want. Otherwise it’s
rather like a salesman who sees you today and only gives you one reason to buy the
product; then another reason to buy tomorrow – and so on.”
John Caples
Another reason is that, just as in teaching, repetition sells. Some years ago Gallup
researched what characterised the most successful advertisements.
Ads that repeated the proposition three times were, on average, most successful.
Your letters or emails are just advertisements, really – advertisements that seek a
response. They work in the same way.
This doesn’t mean you say the same thing three times. It means you find slightly
different ways of saying it – but you do repeat, so as to lodge your proposition in
people’s minds.
The greatest challenge: how to begin

The greatest challenge any writer faces is the blank screen or empty sheet of
paper.
And it leads to the most common sin: putting the job off. I am as guilty as anyone,
and my only advice is: don’t!
On the other hand, don’t be like the man who ‘jumped on his horse and galloped
off in all directions’. Plan and prepare properly, which starts with allocating your
time wisely.
One of the best ways to get started is simple. Cheat. Find something you can copy
or adapt.
Don’t be ashamed. Many (probably most) great artists and composers did.
Copying is the best way to learn and improve.
I have found Million Dollar Mailings, one of the recommended books I give, a
good source of ideas.
Which openings work best?

Million Dollar Mailings is a collection of the most successful mailings in the
world’s richest and toughest market, the US, with detailed explanations of why
they worked, and comments from those involved.
Every single one appeals to greed or flatters the reader. So if yours doesn’t do
either, you could be in trouble.
Take the opening to one of the most successful letters ever: “Quite frankly, the
American Express Card is not for everyone …”
10.4 – 16
This implies the reader is special. And if you look at The Wall Street Journal
letter I analyse later, a separate leaflet and much of the copy are entirely devoted
to incentives – greed!
In the Everest letter the number of times we mention the incentives is almost
embarrassing.
There is an indirect form of flattery that always works – yet is frequently

overlooked. It is called treating readers with respect by making it clear that you
do not think they are idiots.
A typical way of doing this is where after making a very strong claim or promise,
you say “Hard to believe? Maybe. But let me explain why it’s true.” This is called
‘reason-why’ copy and always works.
21 approaches that work

A respected American, Herschel Gordon Lewis once started listing 50 ways you
could begin a letter in a trade magazine.
His imagination was so fertile that he added another 50 the next month, then
another – and for all I know came up with even more.
It would be tiresome for you to go through an endless list, so I’m going to give you
21 approaches that have worked time and again.
1. Simply announce the main benefit

Look at these DHL emails. They focus on the emotional benefit of being
appreciated. We decided that this mattered far more than anything else. Emotion
is a far stronger motivator than logic, which usually merely justifies emotional
decisions.
-----Original Message-----
From: Mark DHL [mailto:mark.calladine@dhlglobalmail.co.uk]
Sent: 15 July 2005
To: Drayton
Subject: From publisher to hero in 3 steps
Dear Drayton,
What you do is utterly essential at DBA UK.
You know it. Your colleagues know it. But I bet they only get excited about what you do when things go
wrong.
Like to be a hero for a change? Here’s how:
1. Save 5% to 20%* - and maybe more - off Royal Mail's charges by dealing with us. (*To check
how much, just send us a blank email to get your no obligation quote).
2. Reach your subscribers by noon the day after we collect from you if you choose the Priority
service. Even our Standard service is at least a day faster than Royal Mail.
3. Enjoy a far more reliable service. Every month we measure our performance. We've never
fallen below 99%. (Royal Mail's figures are 91.8% for Presstream 1 and 96.9% for Presstream
2)
10.4 – 17
It's no use printing something, no matter how valuable to the reader, if it doesn't reach that reader on
time, every time.
We understand that - and we bust a gut to make sure it happens.
And not because we say it. Our clients say it all the time. For instance:
"Flostream have been using the Citispeed service now for 12 months and during that time we have been
extremely happy with the levels of service provided to date.
We have numerous monthly titles with high volumes in financial city areas and using the Citispeed
service has offered us a good alternative to Royal Mail. I would like to highlight that the personal day to
day management of our account has been second to none."
Andy Weaver, Managing Director @ Flostream Ltd
"I can confidently recommend the Citispeed service to other publishers. We have used this service for
several years and have always been very satisfied. Our magazines are delivered correctly and
punctually; and if ever we have any queries or unusual requests the staff are always very helpful,
efficient and accommodating. We have yet to experience any service which is as reliable or efficient as
Citispeed."
Rebecca Wilson, Head of Circulation and Directories @ Incisive Media
Like more details? Just click "reply" - no message needed - and we'll tell you more.
Got special requirements? Each publication is unique, so we find a way to match your needs.
One big client sends material to financial institutions. Timing is crucial. So we tailored our service
especially to them. The result? Read it in their own words:
"By using Citispeed Publication I feel in control of my publication's distribution. I am confident that my
subscribers receive their issue on time, every time for our company's two time sensitive weekly titles.
The flexibility in collection times means that I am able to improve our production planning and still reach
subscribers by 12 noon on the day of delivery, which in most cases is by 9am in the morning. What's
more, we are delighted with the financial savings achieved since we started using this service"
Your needs may be different, Drayton, but we can almost certainly meet them - for far less than you now
pay.
Reply now with a blank message. I won't pester you. And I certainly won't pressure you - there's enough
of that in your life already.
I'll just give you the facts - then you decide. Why not reply now?
Best Regards,
Mark Calladine
Sales Manager

Sent: Tue 26/07/2005 20:08
To: Drayton Bird
Subject: Only you can help, Drayton - and it won’t take a minute
Do you recall my e-mail 13 days ago? I explained how we can help DBA UK - and you in particular.
You and I don’t know each other, so I took a leap of faith and assumed you would be keen on the same
things as our present clients:
1. Save 5% to 20%
2. Deliver at least one day faster than the Royal Mail
3. 99% Reliability - compared to Royal Mail ‘s 91.8%
(You can read more about this in the copy of my original email below).
10.4 – 18
You didn’t reply to my last message, but I’d really appreciate your views, Drayton. So can you share
them with me?
They will help us assess industry perception besides helping us serve you and other publishers better.
In fact we will use them to create the White Paper 'A Review of Mail Alternatives for Business
Publishers' giving the opinions of influencers like you, and what independent research reveals.
To save your time, there’s a blissfully short and simple questionnaire below - only four questions. It
won’t take a minute to complete and reply.
Just click on "reply" and answer the 4 questions below. Or print out the attachment and fax it back to me
on 0845 600 7679 .
If you can spare the time to reply, I will send you a free copy of the White Paper in about two
weeks.
If you’re not interested, just send me a blank message with "Unsubscribe" as a subject - and I’ll vanish
like a shadow in the night. The last thing I want to do is pester you. But I really would appreciate your
views.
Thanks for this. It really helps us do a better job."
Best,
Mark Calladine
DHL Global Mail
By the way, if you have any questions about our service and how we could help you, just send me a
blank email and I’ll tell you all you need to know.
Q1. Have you thought about outsourcing instead of the Royal Mail?
Please delete as appropriate
YES
NO
Q2. If yes, any reasons in particular?

Please mark the following on a scale of 1 - 5 (1 = very important, 5 = not important)
COST
RELIABILITY
FLEXIBILITY
A NEED TO OPERATE BETTER
Q3. Would you like to avoid the new 'pricing in proportion' format?
YES
NO
Q4. Would you like to know more about what we can do without being committed to go any
further?
YES - get someone to e-mail me

MAYBE - keep in touch but don’t pester me
NO - please don’t call or contact me again
10.4 – 19
-----Original Message-----
Sent: 09 August 2005
To: Drayton
Subject: Drayton, here’s the White Paper you asked for
It’s called “A Review of Mail Alternatives for Business Publishers” - and it’s interesting reading.
You have plenty to read already, so we kept it short. But it is important, and covers everything I think
you’d wish.
It’s mostly based on a MORI report done for The Royal Mail, Postwatch and PostComm - not for us.
So although I obviously have an ulterior motive – selling DHL - it’s as impartial as we can make it.
There are three things I’d like to single out.
1. The Royal Mail is improving – but not enough for a lot of people
2. Pricing in Proportion will be a disaster for many
3. If you look at the last chart, you can draw your own conclusions
I think you’ll find it more than worth your time.
Give me a call on XXX if you have any questions or comments – or e-mail me on.
Best
Mark Calladine
DHL Global Mail
2. Make an invitation
This is one of the most common messages in private life. Everyone likes to be
invited to something special. It works particularly well if you use an RSVP
approach on the envelope and incorporate a fancy invitation.
3. Start with the incentive

One letter offering life insurance for a limited period was headed: “The enclosed
certificate is active from today. You are now covered for up to $4,000,000.”
The approach did spectacularly well in several countries for three reasons.
First, people like something for nothing – and this sounded like a lot; second,
most people are under-insured, so it sounded sensible; third, most people are
lazy. It was almost as easy to say ‘yes’ as to say ‘no’.
4. Address the reader as one of a group

Simple examples are: ‘As an old-age pensioner; as an accountant; as a doctor etc.’
Dull – but I have seen it double and triple response.
Insurance firms make millions by selecting groups: older people, non-smokers,

careful drivers, union members. Aiming your letter at them will do more for you
than any amount of fine language.
10.4 – 20
To give you an idea, years ago, I wrote a very profitable letter to teachers.
It began:
‘Were you aware that there is an insurance company which offers preferential
terms exclusively to teachers and their families?’
5. Flatter the reader as one of a superior group

Here we go beyond saying you are one of a group: you are special.
I’ve already mentioned: ”Quite frankly, the American Express Card is not for
everyone”. Here is a subtler approach by Bill Jayme – for many years seen as the
best direct mail copywriter in the US.
The flattery lies in implying the reader is well-read and intelligent, though you’ll
note that it quickly suggests a financial benefit. It is also couched as an invitation.
It was Scott Fitzgerald who observed, “The rich are different from us.”
It was Ernest Hemingway who then shot back,

“Yes, they have more money.”
But money isn’t all that the rich have more of.
They also have more worries...
so before you accept this invitation to move up higher financially,

you may want to consider some of the pros and cons.
The following email sent out by the IDM got 17 per cent response.
Subject: Can you give me a little advice, please?
Dear <Name>,
(I have 2 valuable incentives for you)
I’m writing because you are on our database as a “decision-maker”.
You, and a limited number of other senior marketers, have a huge influence on who attends our
courses, seminars and events. And as they are our main source of funds, you are important to us.
So I’m asking your advice – and that of exactly 99 other decision-makers like you - on an event we are
planning in our “Guru” series. These very successful days have featured some of the big direct
marketing names.
So far, though, Britain’s best-known direct marketer, Drayton Bird, has not been included. I don’t know
why, really. But as someone wise once said, “The obvious is always overlooked”.
I’m writing to ask:
1) If you or your colleagues could spend a day with Drayton, what subjects would interest you?
2) What do you think such a day is worth?
3) How likely is it that you or colleagues will attend?
As you probably know, Drayton is celebrated all over the world. He actually wrote the mailing that
inaugurated the IDM many years ago. It got over 70% turn out – so I know how good he is.
10.4 – 21
His “Commonsense Direct Marketing” is consistently a best seller on our website. Our students always
give his talks rave reviews. Last year the majority of “Precision Marketing” readers voted him the
greatest influence on British DM, and the CIM named him one of the 50 living individuals who have
shaped today’s marketing.
I know you are busy, but can you spare 5 minutes to help me?
Just reply to this e-mail and answer the 4 simple questions below.
<Name>, I really appreciate your help.
Yours sincerely:
Prof. Derek Holder
P. S. As you know, incentivised questionnaires always work better. So if you can spare the time to reply,
here’s a little bribe: 20% off the cost of the day for as many delegates as you wish.
Here are the options. Just reply to this email and put a number against the three that interest you most
under 1, check the option you prefer on 2 and 3 and fill in 4.
1. Please rank your first three options, where 1 is your favourite and so on.
Your options Your Ranking

a. How to brief creative for better results
b. How to evaluate creative
c. How to vary creative for different on and offline media
d. How to write better
e. How to make layouts work harder
f. 19 practical tips for more response
g. How to think up better ideas
h. How to plan better
i. How to devise better strategies
j. Comments on delegates’ creative
2. Please write “Yes” next to the option you prefer
Your options Your Choice

a. £895 to include a free double professionally produced
DVD of the event (worth £99), a free copy of
Commonsense Direct Marketing (worth £23.95) and a free
half hour one to one consultation with Drayton (normally
£500)
b. £695 to include a free double professionally produced

DVD of the event (worth £99), and a free copy of
Commonsense Direct Marketing (worth £23.95)
c. £595 and a free copy of Commonsense Direct

Marketing (worth £23.95)
10.4 – 22
3. Please write “Yes” next to the option you prefer
Your options Your Choice

a. I would be likely to attend.
b. I would probably send colleagues
c. I don’t think it would interest me
4. I know people who might be interested. Please contact them at these addresses:
_____________@_____________
_____________@_____________
_____________@_____________
_____________@_____________
_____________@_____________
6. State the problem – and solve it

This approach may be the safest of all. It is used in many ways. For instance in
DHL emails, where the problem is that the poor old despatch manager is always
ignored – till something goes wrong.
7. Surprise, shock or startle the reader

In a letter to business people I started: “Did you know a factory inspector can
come into your premises without your permission – and close it down
immediately if he doesn’t like what he sees?”
An extraordinarily powerful example is a letter from the widow of Cesar Chavez, a

well-known fighter for workers’ rights in California, that began “This afternoon I
buried my husband”.
Here is another Bill Jayme example:
If you believe that exercise will help you live longer... that small
companies are better to work for than big ones. and that you can’t
possibly make money while maintaining your principles....
... then there’s something you should know. It won’t. They aren’ t .
You can. And if revelations like these contradict axioms you learned at
your mother’s knee, there are more surprises to come. Just open the
UTNE READER to any page. Overturned truisms. Shattered
shibboleths. Debunked bromides. Truth!
10.4 – 23
8. Tell a story
People love them.
The letter for The Wall Street Journal I analyse later uses this technique, as does
this excellent letter for Visa, written by David Tetther:
10.4 – 24
Here the writer empathises with the reader. We all feel good when somebody says:
“I know how you feel. The same thing happened to me.” That’s what this letter
does.
Notice, too, how the short heading cleverly tells readers they could probably get a
Visa Card while telling why the card would be useful: it would simplify your life.
When you read this letter you feel not as though somebody is trying to sell you
something but that they are trying to help you. This is how old-fashioned ‘hard
sell’ – where something is rammed down your throat – differs from the more
subtle approach where you feel somebody has taken trouble to offer you a service.
There are other good features about this letter.
First, the writer gives a reason for the offer. This always adds conviction. When
somebody offers you something for nothing, you may accept it, but you suspect
the giver’s motives.
Second, the writer flatters the readers by saying they are the sort of people the
bank wants to get to know.
Never forget that the ‘rules’ are not sacred. There are so many injunctions in this
piece that you may begin to think you should always do what I say.
Not so. Sometimes you should ignore them – or you may have to. Every guideline
refers to what is generally true; but in this letter, for instance, you will see there is
no incentive.
The writer simply says the fee is very reasonable.
When talking about writing technique, you will see I lay great stress on how
important it is that the word ‘you’ is used more often than ‘I’. But obviously this is
not so when you are telling a personal story.
The opening of this letter says ‘you’ in the heading but the rest is all ‘I’. Nor does
The Wall Street Journal letter address the reader directly until well into its
course.
9. Say you’ve improved your product

This doesn’t interest everybody, but it will interest a good prospect, allowing you
to write something like:
“I am delighted to tell you that since I last wrote to you we have been able
to make our engines 29 per cent more fuel-efficient.
I know this is important to you, because as you may recall, last year you
said economy was what mattered most to you in the questionnaire you
sent back to me.”
You can use this news to suggest that, although your prospects may not have been
interested in what you offered a year ago, this improvement means they should
reconsider.
10.4 – 25
10. ’You and I’

People like people who are like themselves. So an opening that ‘puts its arm
round the shoulder’ of the reader can be very effective.
A good example is this opening:
Opening of letter from La Source of Grenada
This worked well when sent to rich prospects for an expensive holiday resort.
11. Refer to past purchases and make a helpful suggestion

Here is an example of a letter to older people from another holiday firm:
10.4 – 26
10.4 – 27
10.4 – 28
12. Ask for help; this gives a pleasant feeling of power

This works well when you are trying to get people to fill in questionnaires. One
letter read:
Dear Mr. Sample:
Win a year’s free petrol* – honestly – just for

putting me right
I’ll be honest with you. I have a problem, and only you can help. You
see, my records show you bought a car from us a while ago – but we don’t
know what’s happened since.
Here is the whole pack: it got a high response – and sold a lot of cars.
13. Imply an introduction

Begin with something like: ‘Your name has been passed to me by someone who is
committed to preserving our environment – and who says you are, too’.
You can use this approach when you rent a list of likely prospects.
14. Give the name of someone who has passed the name to you
This is like a personal introduction. You might write: ‘Your neighbour, Mrs Jones,
suggested you might be interested in our swimming pools.’
10.4 – 29
Only do this when someone who knows them has given you a prospect’s name,
and is happy for you to say so, or it will rebound on you.
15. Mention an anonymous referee

Here you have been given the name by someone who does not wish it to be
known. You can write: ‘Your name has been passed to me by one of our best
customers, who tells me you are interested in etc.’
16. Get an endorsement from the list renter

If you have rented a list, you can sometimes persuade the renter to endorse your
product in a covering note from their boss:
“Many of our customers say they can’t find a good widget at a sensible
price. So we went out to see if we could find one – which is why I’m
sending you the enclosed letter from the Great Widget company. As far as
our technical people can see, this is the best available for the money. We
recommend it. See what you think.”
Here it pays to have two letters in one envelope. But make sure they don’t fight
with one another. One is the hero, as it were, doing all real selling; the other
introduces and endorses your product or service.
17. Paint a word picture

Here are openings to letters written to sell very expensive sea cruises:
From the very moment you step on board one of our ships, you’re
pampered. A steward shows you to your stateroom. We give you time to
settle in ... order room service ... and relax, before inviting you to join your
fellow passengers on deck for a big send-off from port.
Champagne and a live jazz band spur on the jubilant atmosphere. Waving
crowds on the quayside are showered with confetti and streamers as the
mighty ship pulls away.
There’s no more exhilarating start to a holiday. And as you lean on the

railing, feel the quickening sea breeze ...
Remember, your letters substitute for personal selling, which is far more
powerful, so you should ape good salespeople, who demonstrate when they can.
That is what word pictures do.
18. The price is going up! Act now

Often, news of a price rise can be parleyed into good business.
10.4 – 30
People hate losing anything. Those who are wondering whether they ought to buy
or not are forced to get off the fence and do so.
19. Make your mind up

Write to people who have expressed interest, been mailed several times but
haven’t replied – and put it to them straight.
“The last thing I want to do is pester you if you’re not really interested. So
do let me know whether you are or not. I have included a little form for you
to indicate ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If I don’t hear from you I shall stop writing.”
Often when people are thinking of buying or replying, other things have got in the
way. Such a letter can galvanise them into action.
It may get more negative than positive replies, but it usually gets more positive
ones than an ordinary mailing with no option. It also cleans your list so you save
money next time you mail.
You might think such an approach is your last chance to make money. On the
contrary, it can be the beginning of something better if you go beyond asking for a
‘yes’ or a ‘no’.
You can get people to tick a box on the reply form saying, ‘I’m not sure. Can you
send me more information about [a series of alternatives]. Or, ‘not now, but in
three, six or twelve months.’ Or, give a list of other products they might be
interested in.
20. Beware the negative approach
Every other point on this list is a suggestion, but this is a warning, because
people are very often tempted to take a negative line. It rarely works and
then only if the positive comes in very quickly.
One approach has been used countless times, but I doubt very much if it has
worked very often. It talks about the opportunities your company is missing,
chances that are passing you by, what you are doing wrong etc. Most people
are simply depressed by such thoughts. I know I am!
21. Say something they can’t disagree with

I have left this to last, though logically it may be the most important, because
persuasion begins, above all, with saying something your reader cannot dispute.
That is why the technique I referred to in point four above works so well. But
anything that the reader agrees to as true will help – even something as simple as:
“Last month you wrote to me …” or “You came to our seminar last month…”
10.4 – 31
How should you vary tone?

This question comes up all the time.
To answer it, compare some of the examples I have illustrated.
The people they went to vary greatly. Rich, not so rich, working, retired, English,
American, sophisticated, simple, business people, ordinary customers – quite a
variety.
Do you think the language varies that much? Not really – but it does vary. How –
and why?
There are two extreme views on tone:
One points out that business people are human beings – or even, to go further,
that they are also consumers. Therefore, you should speak to them exactly as you
would to ordinary consumers.
This leads to letters identical in tone to those one would send out to sell a
housewife a kitchen product. Clearly wrong.
Others believe you should talk to the business person in a totally different way to
the consumer. That business people undergo a strange transmutation when they
leave home and go to the office or factory.
This leads to letters written very stiffly, almost as by a Victorian clerk scratching
away with a quill. Just as clearly wrong.
I believe that in this, as so many other things in life, extremes are unwise.
The business person is a consumer when not working. However, business

motivations are not identical; they are parallel.
The desire to improve, or to belong to a group, or be admired are the same. But
you want to improve your income, not your physique; seek admiration from
colleagues, not the opposite sex – well, not so much, perhaps: the context is
different. And people do not talk at business entirely the same way as at home.
My advice is simple. Always write to people, whoever they are, as if you were
speaking to them in person.
In business you would not talk as casually as in the pub. You might be a little
more serious – though this does not mean you cannot be witty: many successful
business people are very entertaining.
So you must adapt.
Be a chameleon
To write convincingly, you must be a psychologist and a chameleon.
This is certainly true if you are not writing letters under your own name, but as
someone else.
You may have your managing director’s signature under them; or that of your
sales manager, or managers of your shops or branches. So you must adapt; to fit
10.4 – 32
the firm you’re writing for, besides whoever is signing the letter. You must allow
for their nature and the tone of voice they might generally use.
You must study previous material sent out by this company. Study the sort of
things their customers are used to hearing from them. The sort of things they
would or would not say.
You may decide they are too stiff or formal and try to make the style more relaxed
– but don’t try a totally different, very casual tone. It will be fatal.
Let me give you examples. The bank chairman writing to people with a great deal
of money on deposit would adopt a very different tone to the branch manager, let
alone a local off-licence manager suggesting you come and buy wine for
Christmas.
Not only would the tone of voice differ slightly: so would any examples and
allusions.
It would be very appropriate for the bank chairman to open with some oracular
pronouncement upon the state of business or the investment market in Britain.
Readers could be interested in the views of someone who should be well
informed.
On the other hand the off-licence manager might open by giving a recipe for
mulled wine. The latter would be a much more down-to-earth individual than the
former, who could afford to be rather grand.
Do gimmicks and free incentives work to professional audiences? This letter to

accountants was the most successful ever sent out, in terms of response, by this
client. It uses a gimmick – the yellow sticker – to offer free booklets.
10.4 – 33
10.4 – 34
10.4 – 35
10.4 – 36
Vary wording
Again, if writing to junior people in a firm, you would adopt a slightly different
tone to the one you would use to managing directors; you might vary the wording.
Young assistants know they don’t know as much as they ought to because they are
relatively inexperienced. They will probably be thirsty for helpful information.
They will be very keen to do better.
Managing directors often (wrongly) think they are rather important. They may
require a little bit more flattery.
So you give the same information to these two groups in a slightly different way.
To a junior executive you might say: “Did you know the customer you already
have is up to eight times more likely to buy from you than a similar person?”
To the managing director you might write: “As you know, the customer you have is
up to eight times more likely to buy from you than a similar person.” Had you
said: “Did you know . . .” he might have regarded it as an affront. And even if he
doesn’t know, the assumption on your part that he does is flattering.
Even a simple list of addresses may tell you a good deal about how to talk. If a
very large percentage of these addresses are in low-income areas you will
obviously adopt a different tone to the one you might use if they dwell in the
wealthy suburbs.
Down-to-earth or formal?
If they are business people, and a high percentage comes from industrial areas in
the north of England, you might decide on a more down-to-earth approach than if
they are all in the City of London.
You can adopt a bluff, no-nonsense, rather than a sophisticated manner. For
instance:
“You’re busy, so I’m not going to waste your time, or try and pull the wool over
your eyes. You probably want proof. Here it is.”
Your tone should match the image of your firm, too. Look at these Virgin
examples. This style works for them. When something similar was tried by
another large wine firm, it failed:
10.4 – 37
10.4 – 38
Now look at the Graydon example, which went to people who had previously
received a letter – yet did over ten times better. The tone is utterly different to that
of the Virgin messages.
An email that worked after a letter had failed:
Subject: How much credit to give? This new on-line service saves you headaches
And you can benefit from it without paying a penny
Dear Denise,
This new online service could save you some serious headaches - in fact it is so essential that we're
kicking ourselves for not offering it before.
I wrote to you about it recently but you didn't reply. That means I failed to explain its benefits properly.
So I am kicking myself, too, because the need is so obvious.
The service augments what you now have and works in exactly the same way - but it covers individual
information, which can be absolutely crucial, as you probably know
• You pay nothing for this service until you use it - and very little when you do.
• To add the service to what we do for you now - or find out more - hit reply now. That will send
me a blank e-mail.
If you register before the 25th August 2006 your name will automatically go into a prize draw to
win the very latest portable Tom-Tom satellite navigation system, worth £290.
But whether you win or not, this new service makes tremendous sense - and here's why.
10.4 – 39
Just suppose:
1. You're about to supply goods and services worth thousands on credit
2. The customer is a new firm or SME - maybe not even incorporated
3. So there’s hardly any information about them: even checking the Directors' corporate history reveals
little. So what can you do? Well, wouldn't you love to know how the directors or proprietor behave
personally - their individual credit activities? Wouldn't that be the obvious place to start?
Believe it or not, often people's behaviour doesn't vary that much between private and corporate
situations.
Now that we've augmented our online service we can tell you what you need immediately. You get
information 24 hours a day not just on the businesses but also the individuals - all in one place. Follow
this link to see a screen shot of the report you get.
It covers detailed information on 30 million UK individuals, based on Fair Isaac scoring, which is as good
as it gets.
And we handle all the details. For instance the Data Protection Act requires that you have prior
permission when conducting an individual credit check: we arrange that for you.
All from 80p - £1:80 a name.
Since thousands may be at risk, isn't that amazing value for money? And it's easy. The process is
exactly the same as the one you are already familiar with for companies. If you've read this far and
agree this service makes sense, just click reply now - send me a blank e-mail.
I'll arrange for whatever suits you best. We can add this to the service you already enjoy - at no cost - or
tell you more so you can decide.
This is, I believe, what the Americans call a "no-brainer". That's because there are very few times when
you can get something essential that:
• Costs nothing till you need it

• Costs very little when you do
• Doesn't require any change to the way you work
• Makes decisions easier
• And could well save you tens of thousands.
This service is also useful when you open a new account for an individual customer or wish to check on
potential employees. But if you're still wondering about this - because you think it can't be that simple or
you have a few questions - just send that blank e-mail and we'll tell you everything you want to know.
After all, what a shame to risk a bad debt when you only need to add a service that costs you nothing till
you use it.
And remember, just register before the 25th August 2006 and you could win that £290 portable Tom-
Tom satellite navigation system.
What's more, you have a real chance of winning because this isn't a big consumer Prize Draw.
Just hit reply now, and we'll do whatever suits you best.
Sincerely
Alastair
Graydon UK Limited,
Prize Draw: - Follow this link for Terms & Conditions
10.4 – 40
How to write better

You may think writing is just about innate talent. It is not. A great deal is known
from research about what makes your copy easy to read.
But before that, here’s my advice. Write with fury; revise with care. You must get
enthusiastic about what you are selling. If you don’t, your disinterest will come
through. Bad copy is written by people who don’t care.
Write as much as you can, then cut ruthlessly. Don’t try to write a short version
then expand. I draft eight times, my PA once told me.
1. Sentences should be short. Average 16 words. Usually no longer than 32.
2. Paragraphs should be short, each ideally containing just one thought –

particularly the first.
3. Words should be short and lively, not long and dull:
Emolument Cash
Complimentary Free
Anticipate Expect
Expectation Hope
Personnel Staff
Transportation Car
Purchase Buy
Authored Wrote
4. Break sentences or paragraphs at page-ends to encourage continued

reading, using a phrase like ‘read on’.
5. Never use two words if one will do: e.g. ‘miss out on’ means miss; ‘market
place’ usually means market.
6. Beware fancy language or jargon (except to ‘techies’).
7. Avoid tired words and expressions – ’superb’; ’exciting’; ’fabulous’; ’key

issues’; ’core values’; ’strategic overview’; ’at the end of the day’. Seek fresh
language.
8. Try to avoid ‘we’ instead of ‘I’: me to you is usually better.
9. Count the number of ’you’ words versus ’me’ words. They should be at least
2:1.
10. Use carrier words and phrases: and, moreover, what’s more, also – anything
to keep people reading.
11. Try a question at the end of a paragraph that needs to be answered in the
next.
12. Write to encourage an interesting layout.
10.4 – 41
How should it look?

G Direct mail letters and emails are like the theatre. You know they’re
not really personal but disbelief is suspended. So visual tricks –
underlining, headings and different colours in letters do work. But be
careful.
G Before using headings in a letter, remember: if it’s a ’personal’ letter

rather than a hard-selling letter, they may ruin the illusion.
G People’s eyes go to headings first. So they should feature benefits to

make them want to read more.
G An opening heading can ‘telegraph’ the offer and benefits, but

shouldn’t reveal the whole story.
G In long letters, cross headings should summarise the story. Use

headings imaginatively – maybe one above and one below the
salutation.
G Headings along the sides of the letter instead of centred have been
known to boost response.
The PS – does it work?

G US research revealed that 79 per cent of people read the PS before any
other part of a mailing. A German study showed consumers some direct
mail, asking them what they remembered afterwards. More remembered the
PS than anything else in the packs.
G I have seen changes in the PS increase response spectacularly. In one case

an incentive already mentioned in the letter, when repeated in the PS lifted
sales nearly 20 per cent.
G The PS should repeat some important point and stress urgency.
G People look at the PS because they want to know who is writing to them,
and turn to the signature.
G A colleague tested the P.S. in emails and it made no difference.
“The most successful advertisement in the history of the

world”
Most of the highest paid copywriters in the US – where they pay more than
anywhere else – specialise in subscription mailings.
A really good subscription mailing is a pearl beyond price. But imagine one that
makes money for 30 years. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? So amazing that it repays a
detailed analysis.
10.4 – 42
And that is why you may find it worth joining me in taking a detailed look at just
such a mailing. Written by Martin Conroy for The Wall Street Journal, it first ran
in 1974 or 1975 and has been running with very little change ever since.
10.4 – 43
Regularly, the folks at the Journal run tests to beat this mailing. They have never
been able to. So whatever they paid, it was cheap at the price.
The authors of Million Dollar Mailings call it the most successful advertisement in
the history of the world. By 1992 it had generated over $1 billion in revenue. God
alone knows how much that sum has increased since.
There are three main reasons:
First, the letter (always the most important part of any mailing) is utterly
captivating. Once you start reading, it is very hard to stop. Second, the mailing
sells what the publication will do for the reader, rather than what it is. And third,
the main incentive is very appropriate and well described.
An incentive is not there, as many imagine, just to encourage reply. It is also to

encourage reading. You are wise to promote the incentive heavily and make it
highly visible, as here.
This chapter is about letters, so I shall concentrate on the letter.
10.4 – 44
Clever opening
The opening is deceptively clever.
Read those first six words. Then ask yourself whether they conjure up a picture.
For most people they do. Read them again: they tell you hardly anything about the
scene being depicted. Your imagination supplies the pictures.
This is a wonderful example of what they call rather pretentiously ’interaction’.

More to the point it begins a story – man’s oldest form of entertainment, save
perhaps cave drawings. A good story makes you want to know what happens next
– and this does so admirably.
There are other things to be noticed: for the letter uses more than one well-judged
technique. There is the element of surprise.
The difference between the average and the remarkable communication in any
medium is often that: something surprising that sparks further interest. Haydn
wrote a symphony called The Surprise. He said that every now and then he liked
to make a loud noise to wake the audience up.
Here the surprise is of a particular kind.
It is the sudden realisation that while one man had done fairly well in life, the
other had done far better. This provokes you – makes you wonder why. It makes
you want to read on – which is all each sentence in copy has to do.
Solve a problem
This surprise is a variation on a very old theme: problem/solution.
We all have the same problem when we start out in life: we wish to succeed; but
few of us know how. Unless you are a complete dullard, this will apply to you.
Good mailings are only aimed at the likely prospect – in this case somebody who
wishes to get ahead. We are not seeking dullards here.
There are several subheads in the letter – and they work very well. That’s because
they tell the story for people who are skimming through the copy. They say things
designed to capture your interest.
Questions that call for answers – as in the first crosshead – are always a good way
to keep people reading.
The paragraph after that crosshead is a masterpiece. It gives the readers excuses.
It explains that the reason for any lack of success they may have is nothing to do
with them. It’s not because they lack ambition, are idle or stupid.
It is because they lack one essential ingredient: knowledge; and this will be
supplied by the Journal.
Variety important
Notice how the length of the paragraphs in this letter varies. This is important:
variety is the spice of life – and writing.
10.4 – 45
The third paragraph after that first crosshead includes the phrase “and this is
why I am writing to you”. Simply telling people why you are writing will increase
response. One of my clients in New York took the trouble to measure by how
much. The answer was between 20 and 25 per cent.
It is not until after the second crosshead – Europe’s global newspaper – that we
start to describe what we are selling.
Notice that at the bottom of the page the paragraph is split so that you have to
turn over and find out more.
Many years ago my first effort at selling subscriptions was an ad for a publisher,
VNU. I can’t say it was that brilliant but it did offer benefits rather than simple
information. It got ten times as many replies as the publisher’s previous efforts.
A strong close essential

After the first paragraph and a little description at the top of page two the letter
reverts to selling hard – much of the page is devoted to trying to persuade the
reader to reply.
Many – I would say most – letters fail because they have a weak close. Towards
the end of the copy too many writers become perfunctory and casual. They are
probably so delighted to have had any idea at all that selling goes out of their
minds.
However, many good writers actually write the order form before they write
anything else. I don’t do this myself. But I do make a great effort to get people to
reply.
In this letter most of the latter part of page two is devoted to selling the incentives
– and there are three: the 15 per cent discount, a colour map and a Guide To
Understanding Money And Investing.
Then the letter draws to a close with a neat reference to the story with which it
began, and a repetition of the proposition about knowledge and how to use it.
Finally, there’s another clever touch: pointing out that knowledge alone is not
enough. In this way any suspicion that we are claiming too much for what is, after
all, just a newspaper, is removed.
Notice that the letter is not signed by a minion – but the publisher. The more
senior the signatory, the better the response tends to be. It is more flattering to
the reader.
And after the signature, just when you thought it was safe to come out, there is a
PS.
Notice that there is a close date. You have to reply in time to get the incentives.
People do so because they don’t want to miss something good.
Many years ago I wrote in Commonsense Direct Marketing that “Men fear to lose
as much as they hope to gain”. I was only half right, because I have since learned
that men probably fear to lose more than they hope to gain.
Incentives are of two kinds: those that appeal to most people – luggage, pens,
watches, and the like – and those that single out a particular kind of prospect.
Wherever possible I prefer the latter.
10.4 – 46
Far too many people imagine that a throwaway mention of a few free vouchers or a
free pen is enough to get people to want the incentive. But if something is free the
natural thought of the recipient is that it must be worth nothing.
Therefore you are wise to sell the incentive and do so just as hard as you sell the
main product. Your objective should be to make it sound so wonderful that you’d
be happy to pay good money for it. You have to work hard, and do a complete
selling job. That’s what the leaflet does
This mailing, from start to finish, is a wonderful example of attention to detail,

hard work and a real understanding of human nature. I wish I could write half as
well.
And now for something different.
10.4 – 47
10.4 – 48
Each of these emails offers the same incentive with the same main copy – the real
difference is the visual treatment. Which do you think worked better? The answer
is at the bottom of the page.
3) not the most “creative” but the most personal got most replies followed by 2 and 1.
10.4 – 49
Seven deadly sins

The easiest way to improve your ads, emails and mailings is not to consider what
makes for good work, but why most work stinks. Until you banish the bad, how
can you hope to do well?The following seven common sins appear regularly in
letters and emails.
1. Being slow to get to the point

Research I once read showed that if you can get people to read the first 250 words
of your copy, 70 per cent will read all of it.
So a weak beginning loses your readers when it matters most. It kills sales.
Copywriters seem to have minds like old car engines, which needed to be warmed
up for a few minutes. They often put in a couple of paragraphs of waffle before
they get to the point. Maybe it’s fear of being rejected when they do.
You will often find you can edit the first three paragraphs down to two without
losing any meaning, but gaining in ’attack’. On a surprising number of occasions
you will also find the best place to begin is round about paragraph three.
We must communicate quickly what we are talking about. Customers don’t have
time to work out our clever ideas or subtle approaches. Remember, they only have
one thought in their minds: “What’s in it for me?”
Even when – as in the case of The Wall Street Journal mailing – the opening
doesn’t directly say what the proposition is, the subject – careers and success – is
pretty apparent.
2. Neglecting to make the most of your incentive

Relevant incentives almost always increase sales by more than they cost. Their
purpose is not merely to get people to reply; it is to encourage them to read. So
unless you have good reason to do otherwise, the incentive should be hard to
ignore.
3. Talking from your point of view, not the reader’s

The classic example (amazingly common) is a letter beginning with the self-
centred words, “I am pleased to announce …” and continuing with something you
may find fascinating but your readers couldn’t care less about.
I suspect fortunes are lost every year because people confuse what they are selling
with why people should buy it.
They confuse the attributes of what they sell (what it is) with its benefits (what it
will do for you). They forget to find out how what they are selling is better than
the alternative. And, just as important, they forget to check how it might be
worse.
The differences can be very obvious or very subtle. But in my experience they are
always important. Just telling somebody what something is won’t sell it. What
10.4 – 50
they want to know quite simply is: What’s in it for me? Especially, what’s in it for
me that’s better?
Just so that you don’t forget this point, here’s a little rhyme to memorise:
Tell me quick and tell me true

What your product’s going to do
Or else, my love, to hell with you.
4. Using incomprehensible jargon

This is particularly common among people selling technical products – especially
anything to do with software.
They think they’re impressing people when they’re just confusing them.
5. Failure to do a complete selling job

Give every sensible reason why somebody should respond and overcome every
reasonable objection they may have.
Omit nothing relevant! Every point you miss is a sale lost.
Remember that your prospect has a choice. Don’t forget to explain why what you
offer is better than alternatives. Many letters fail to do so.
6. Neglecting to prove what you say is true

It’s no use having a powerful opening and idea unless you convince people that
what you say is true. You need proof.
As David Ogilvy once said, “Why should anyone take the word of an anonymous
copywriter?” A colleague once told a school of salesmanship to put a testimonial
in their mailing. This did so well they put in four more. Sales went up again. They
ended up sending out fifty copies of testimonials.
When you use testimonials, it’s a good idea to show the original handwriting –
even the signatures. You could even show pictures of the people. All these things
make them more believable. It doesn’t matter if people write ungrammatically – it
may be even more convincing.
Other things that help are celebrity endorsements, newspaper quotes, statistics
and comments from experts.
7. A weak ending
Every element in a letter has to be good to get results: but two are extremely
important – the opening, which I have already covered; and the close, which
determines whether they reply or not.
You must make it easy to respond – and fight for that response. One firm got 30
per cent uplift in sales a few years ago largely by making the application easier to
fill in.
10.4 – 51
In an email, simply asking people to send a blank reply is a neat idea – it calls for
just one click.
The close should be powerful and persuasive and repeat all the reasons why
people ought to reply – including the incentive. If you don’t get every single person
who is slightly interested to respond, it’s a shame. You’ve got them this far. Now’s
the time to cash in.
One important weapon, originally developed by The Reader’s Digest, is the yes/no
technique I mentioned earlier. A good example to remember is the end of a
mailing, which went out in the 1930s in America.
“Let nothing absolutely nothing interfere with immediate action. A change for the
better justifies no delay. Don’t watch others make money which you can make. Be
up and doing now. Some other time may be too late. Place your order and
application this very minute. Take the action now that ensures more money next
week, independence next year.”
You may not want to put something as forceful as that, but you must go hard for a
response.
All these things may sound simple and obvious. But then, so are most of the
things that make the big differences.
Oh, and once you’re sure you’re not guilty of any of these sins, find someone who
knows nothing about what you’re selling. Ask them if they understand what you’ve
written clearly.
Then, forget who you are. Be honest. If you were the reader, would you want to (a)
read (b) act?
Further reading
Books you should read
Here are books I learned (and copied) a lot from:
Million Dollar Mailings Denison Hatch and Axel Andersen (ISBN 0895265095)
The Robert Collier Letter book Robert Collier
The Greatest Direct Mail Sales Letters of all Time by Richard S Hodgson (ISBN
850131553)
If you can’t get the second - it’s out of print - or you want one aimed mostly at the
British market, try How to Write Sales Letters that Sell (ISBN 0749438762). You
can get it at www.draytonbird.com.
10.4 – 52

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Chapter 10.

4 : How to write a letter or email that works

How to write a letter or email

J The most important principle

Author/Consultant: Drayton Bird 10.4 – 1

About this chapter

How to write a letter or email

So Leonardo touted himself as an expert in designing bridges and palaces, siege

Advice from great writers:

If so, rewrite it till it sounds natural and fresh.

How do you make it interesting?

Does this apply to emails?

Two proven roads to disaster

The most common approaches lead to certain disaster.

Such people fall into two opposite categories.

Both attitudes are fatal.

No need to be clever: just relevant

If people want to be entertained, they watch television, read novels or go to the

Allocate your time correctly

Here is a chart I made after trying to assess how I allocate my time:

Revising Research and

Drafting Jotting down

Five elements in success

Next, comes technique: understanding how to construct an argument likely to

As David Ogilvy, a great copywriter and champion of direct marketing, noted,

2) The description or explanation, which pictures your proposition to the

Another slightly simpler formula is AIDCA:

G Gain attention with the incentive, plus news of benefits

G Immediately elaborate on your opening, to build interest

G Use word pictures to create desire

G Instil conviction with proof, testimonials

How emails differ

So in subject lines curiosity often works best, especially if it implies a benefit.

You can see what I mean in these DHL examples:

From: David Garfinkel [mailto:david@world-copywriting-institute.com]

"The most important letter you ever read."

"Simply better than the rest."

"Protects you from the worst weather conditions."

I say something different than all of them.

Here's why I say that.

Several fortunes, actually.

Hands down, music in the background got MUCH higher response.

But here's the key word:

Without drawing attention away from the voice (THE COPY).

"It's the copy, stupid!"

The answer is simple.

When you push people's hot buttons, they are entertained.

So how do you do this in copy?

One of them is called "Describe How The Problem Plays Out."

Only one problem.

Now, what about the other four ways?

Ah, there's a catch.

You knew there would be, didn't you?

The catch is, you have to listen to my teleseminar.

But the good news is that it's free!

It's on Thursday night at 6 pm Pacific / 9 pm Eastern.

To sign up, go to:

How to create a squeeze page that converts.

A step-by-step method to write a sales letter that sells.

3 ways to increase revenue on every sale.

And a whole lot more.

Details on the Web site:

See you there!