There Is Hope

By Elsa Wybrow

It has been exactly 570 days since I almost decided to leave this world. I remember as if

it was almost yesterday.

I have suffered from depression for the past few years. These years have been dark and

dreadful parts of my life. It all started when I was a Freshman in middle school. I had many

friends at school come up to me and ask, “hey, are you doing okay?” or “hey Ellie! How are

you?”

I always replied,”I’m fine.” Many assumed I was fine, but in reality, I was suffering.

Everyday I would come home from school, go to my room, and just sit there in silence.

Most times, it brought me to tears. Other times, I just stared at a wall and contemplated living

anymore. I don’t matter to anyone. I am such a burden. Life would be better off without me.

Unfortunately, these thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and despair never went away.

I soon gave up on how I looked and acted. I wore a hoodie almost everyday so that I was

hiding myself, in a way. I stopped participating in class discussions. When my classes got to

choose where to sit, I chose to sit in the back, so that no one could see me. There were days when

I sat in the bathroom stall during lunch. I didn’t eat anything. Instead, I just sat on the toilet and

silently cried. I felt so numb and broken, yet I still managed to pull a smile on my face everyday,

so that no one would notice. I just bottled up my feelings, and eventually it got so bad that I

made a plan to end my life on March 6th, 2019. I continued going to school and hiding my

feelings from my friends and family, but I had continuous thoughts going through my head. It

will be over soon.

 Soon, the day came. My final day. I remember going to school, and as I walked into my

sculpture class, I saw my friends. They were talking about hanging out over the weekend.

“Hey, we should go to the NBA Utah Jazz basketball game. Anyone in?” My friend, Lily,

asked with a little excitement in her voice.

“I’m in!” Valerie exclaimed.

“Me too! The Jazz are gonna crush the Nets.” Harry said with determination.

“Ellie, will you be able to go? It’ll be so fun if you join!” Lily said while holding her

hands as if she was praying for me to go.

I already had “plans” a couple days before that would not allow me to be there, but I

didn’t want to tell them. So, I whipped something up, “I have plans with my family that day, so I

won’t be able to go. I’m sorry guys.”

“Aww, can’t you cancel plans this one time? You never hang with us anymore,” Harry

begged.

I was never a fan of conflict, so I said, “okay fine.”

“WOOHOO!!” They all shouted with happiness and excitement.

Unfortunately, they didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to make it to their plans.

I continued the rest of my day planning and preparing. I debated on writing a final note to

my friends and family, but I decided not to because of my thoughts. No one would care to read

it, so why should I write one in the first place?

Soon the bell rang. I remember walking out the main doors. I looked behind me and saw

the school.
 “Goodbye,” I said with a faint whisper so that no one could hear. I continued walking to

my car. Once I opened the driver door and sat in the car, I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t have to

deal with going to school anymore. It will be over soon.

Soon, I got home from school. I noticed no one was home yet. My siblings were still at

school for another hour, and my parents were at work. My instant thought was: Great, I have the

house to myself, no one can stop me. I was at rock bottom, but I knew that maybe by doing this,

my problems would be solved. And so, I walked up to the medicine cabinet I had in the kitchen. I

reached in for some pain killers and poured an inappropriate amount of pills onto my left hand.

And right when I was about to pour the handful of pills into my mouth, I had a sudden thought.

What am I doing? This isn’t who I am. I stared at the pills that were in the palm of my

hand. At that moment, a sudden rush of memories and emotions rushed through my head. I had

memories of my childhood, and how loving and caring my family was to me. Memories of

playing freeze tag on the playground with my best friends: Harry, Lily, and Valerie. These

memories brought me to straight tears. I was sobbing and couldn’t stop. I need to tell someone. I

need to get better. I put the pills back into the bottle and left.

The next day, I told my parents what was going on in my life. They instantly figured out

ways that they could be there for me when I was having these dark episodes.

“We love you so much Ellie. If anything were to happen to you, I don’t know what we

would’ve done,” my mom said with my dad by my side.

That weekend, I went to the Jazz game with my friends. They were happy to see me. We

even appeared on the jumbotron! They also noticed that I was a lot happier than usual. I was

happier.
 A couple months later, my parents got me into therapy. I went for only a couple months,

and by the end of that last month, I saw huge improvement. It felt like a huge weight was lifted

off of me. I am happy, and will continue to love the life that I, Elizabeth Harrison, will live for

years and years to come!