TUKSDA COLLEGE WEDNESDAY STUDY

SEASONS OF LOVE

FROM LIKE TO LOVE

We finished off our latest study, From Like to Love – Part 3, with some thought questions to think
about and discuss:

1. What are some common myths and misconceptions concerning attraction?

2. What are some common mistakes made when handling attraction?
3. What are some common reasons for marriage that are wrong?
4. What is the place of physical beauty and attraction in the development of a godly
relationship?
5. What is the difference between love and attachment?
6. What are some things you need to overcome before you get into a relationship?

Today, we will touch on some of these questions as we proceed to:

PART 4: TAKING THE STEP - PRELIMINARIES

MISCONCEPTIONS CONCERNING ATTRACTION

i. Attraction is sin

Attraction is amoral (i.e. neither moral not immoral), it is how we handle it that matters. Many
people have suffered the guilt of feeling attracted to someone, thinking it impure, debased or
worldly. It is important to admit and define attraction that we may manage it. We must, however,
be aware of impure thoughts and debasing contemplations, for instance castle building and
romantic sentimentalism.

There is this idea, especially among ministers, that they will be caught dead attracted to someone.
It is a matter discussed in hushed tones. While discretion is key, may it not be because the minister
doubts his calling. The truth is once you can name attraction, you can define it, acknowledge it
and control it. You can say, “I am attracted to you, but it doesn't mean I like you, because there's
no knowledge.” And attraction should not take leadership in our engagement. That is probably
the most difficult thing to do.

How do you handle an attraction to your department chair when you have council meetings
every week? Moreover, probably it is Personal Ministries department, so you speak thrice a week
to plan devotions, vespers and Sabbath services.

As you handle attraction, acknowledge your bias. Where are you in life? Are you ready? While
preparing this notes, I imagined proposing to someone a relationship now. In my imagination,
this imaginary person asked me, "Then what next?" I was scared stiff! You must rationally assess
where you are and pray about it.

Can you harness your attraction and control the consequent actions?

See your baggage. Deal with your myths, misconceptions, stereotypes, past sins, cultural bias, etc.
When saying yes, you must understand what baggage you are coming with: insecurities, faults,
weaknesses, past experiences, etc.

EGW says, “Weigh every sentiment, and watch every development of character in the one with
whom you think to link your life destiny. The step you are about to take is one of the most
important in your life, and should not be taken hastily. While you may love, do not love blindly.”
{AH 45.1}

Kindly believe her/him when they show you their character; be honest with yourself.

Remember, this is a counsel to someone who is making the choice. It will be of no use to give a
list of requirements to someone in courtship. They are already making progress.

This list must go beyond spirituality, money and a job. It must include the practical things. Can
they cook, dress well, or knit? As one preacher says, do not marry someone because s/he can do
things you cannot do.

Finally, identify God's call and wait in His vineyard. That is the best place to be when attraction
comes.

ii. True love is purely intellectual

The truth is:

Emotions + reason = better choice

Let your attraction be weighed against principle, but let it be there.

We read in good books like The Adventist Home virtuous qualities to seek for in a prospective
husband/wife, and we assume that is all there is. We generate this ideal checklist and assume
that there is no place for feelings; if s/he fits, s/he is God’s answer.

A sincere Christian will not advance his plans in this direction without the knowledge that God
approves his course. He will not want to choose for himself, but will feel that God must choose
for him. We are not to please ourselves, for Christ pleased not Himself. I would not be
understood to mean that anyone is to marry one whom he does not love. This would be sin.
But fancy and the emotional nature must not be allowed to lead on to ruin. God requires the
whole heart, the supreme affections. {AH 43.3}

But notice also, while the "yes" must go beyond reason, the "no" also must do likewise. You may
meet someone who meets all the standards, but your intuition says no, listen to your intuition. It
is falling impressions in the heart that are a result of prayer. For that reason, when you feel an
attraction, or someone attracted to you, immediately subject it to prayer.

Remember, the emotions should always be subservient to reason; not absent but subject. Emotions
may change. You may meet someone who does not meet the inspired standards and you
immediately rule him out. Then you start interacting and he is caring, and tender, and funny, and
prayerful/spiritual, etc. He is probably not a believer as you are but well, he is daily ticking more
and more of your checklist. Go back to your principles. Emotions may change; principles do not.

iii. Attraction is purely physical

Attraction can be beyond the physical. Their singing, their preaching, their heart/kindness, their
humour, etc. These qualities may also attract. And qualities (in contrast to their physique)
attracting does not make it more righteous.

This arises another question in my head, is there a place for beauty in Christian attraction?

Genesis 2:9 And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the
sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge
of good and evil.

Notice, the plants were:

1. Good for food (functional), and
2. Pleasant to the eye (beautiful).

Did God exert any less creative power in the creation of man? Adam and Eve were functional to
each other, and pleasing to each other's eye.

The Author of all beauty, Himself a lover of the beautiful, God provided to gratify in His
children the love of beauty. {Ed 41.4}

But remember, Egypt's Pharaoh, together with his fellow Egyptians, wanted Sarah for her beauty
(Genesis 12:14-16). Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph for his beauty (Genesis 39:6-7). If all you care
is physical beauty, you are Egyptian in mindset.

iv. When there is mutual attraction, you are ready for a relationship, or it is God's answer.

On a light note, be ye informed, students in high school get into relationships too. There are many
important questions you must ask before committing to a relationship.

Examine carefully to see if your married life would be happy or inharmonious and wretched. Let
the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? Will it increase my love for God?
And will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback,
then in the fear of God move forward. {AH 45.2}

Time is important in the development of affections. Consult mentors, spiritual parents,

inspiration, friends, etc. People who can give you sound advice. Avoid Rehoboam's advisors (2
Chronicles 10:8-14), else, you will fall (unfortunately, sometimes, in love).
 v. Because you do not like someone, you can hang out with him or her freely.

People, friends just do not do some stuff. And that is where some of our brother-sister
relationships come under the axe. Usually, if you're keen enough (and most of us are not), you'll
notice that your friendship affects an individual in a certain way. A good question to ask is: what
is it that I do to/for him/her, or allow him/her to do to/for me, that communicates to them that
they are different from other lady/gent friends, respectively?

vi. Dating is equal to courtship

Who can tell the difference between courtship and dating? Courtship is drawing affections from
someone for the purpose of marriage. There is an intentional effort to draw the affections and to
give back affections, but the chiefest effort, is in seeking whether God's purpose is in it.

Dating is engaging/bonding without an aim towards marriage. The intention is usually just
having fun, spending time together and knowing more about the other person.

Best advice: do group dates. Know each other in corporate settings. Be active in God's vineyard,
you will know them more there. In addition, since courtship is a union that seeks whether it is
God's purpose, it must be a union that from the beginning, had potential for God's blessings.

Practical do's and don'ts

(Especially for singles who may or may not be experiencing an attraction either as a giver or recipient)

1. Do not be too present.

Watch out for that brother who is always there, you may just be leading him on. Let your
caution be extended to everyone irrespective of their apparent spirituality because even
ministers may be led on, sometimes more often than other people. They are often more
afraid, or cautious, in admitting their feelings and affections. He may just be their showing
the love of Jesus, but with hopes that the Spirit will intercede for him in your private prayer
chamber.
2. Do not help out too much. This is tied to (1) above.
3. Avoid late night conversations. At night you are usually less aware, less measured, and
with more exhaustion you're prone to be less cautious with your words and more
vulnerable with your emotions.
4. Do not think, "He is just a friend". As the Cabinet Secretary for Health, Mutahi Kagwe, said,
"Assume everyone has corona and deal with them that way." And no, do not even think
about excusing him; “he is not like the others, he is different”. The only person you can
know is different is you, ministers included. They are all sons of Adam, my people, and so
are we all.
5. Do not feel you deserve something from someone/be possessive. Do not be jealous. Yes,
you have been saying she is just a sister, now someone is making her a bride, kindly be a
good brother and hold them up in prayer.
 6. Do not give in to infatuation. When you are tempted, pray.
7. Do not ignore intuition.
8. Do not talk emotional matters often. By that I do not simply mean, "I love you" and "I miss
you". I mean, "I had a difficult day today", "my parents are fighting again", "I am so excited",
etc... The subject of your conversations determines the level of your connection. If he is there
feeling the pain with you and the joy with you, my sister, she will not be comfortable when
someone else comes and takes his place. And you know you always fall for that guy who
always understands you in ways that people don't, don't you? So let that guy be Jesus.
9. Do not share very personal stuff. You create bonds and liabilities.
10. Do not get physically intimate. I think corona is teaching us that we can still survive.
11. Do not ignore attraction. Do not. Act on it. Attraction is like a larva, it knows nothing but
growth.
12. Do not create co-dependence: sharing all hobbies, interests, friends, etc.
13. Do not build attachments: introducing each other to family members, exchanging
passwords, late night communications, carrying an extra sweater for her, etc. Do not do 1-
on-1 dates. Do not do stuff that boyfriends/girlfriends do simply because you are not
attracted to each other.
14. Do not put them before God, family, other friends, studies, etc.
15. Do not compromise principles for another person. That is a clear sign it is no longer
friendship; it is now infatuation.
16. Do not be manipulative. There are people who fake illness, despondency or depression to
maintain the company of a friend. Or act in ways to come between the other party when
you notice an attraction coming up between him/her and another person.
17. Do not try to change your friends to your preference.
18. Do not keep in too much contact.
19. Do not over-consult. You know, he is the person who repairs your phone, comp, earphones,
headphones, microphones, screen protector, schoolwork, etc.
20. Do not plan your future together. This usually builds a strong bond with ladies; you come
out as future-oriented, organized and responsible, especially as a father.
21. Do not have prayerless friendships. Prayers keep you in check.

All the mistakes listed here are from studies backed up by science and inspiration. However,
beyond that, most of this mistakes I have committed them, and thus they are backed up by
experience. Some I committed before I was a minister, some way after I was a well-reported
minister. So understand this, the person you think is immune to falling, to attraction, to trifling
with hearts, to being trifled with, to misinterpreting your actions, is most likely not. Handle
everyone with caution and care.
Love and attachment

It is important to be able to distinguish between love and attachment. Attachment is simply,

relationships that are because there is a compensation factor. You feel appreciated, you get
attention, you feel special, giddy, complimented, encouraged, and thus you stay. It is self-
centered, and usually because of a psychological imbalance or lack. Attachments feed our needs.
There is a need for someone to feel a void in your life or in your self-esteem.

Love is not the opposite of attachment. However, love is not demanding, desperate, delusional
or self-centered. Of course, an obvious problem with attachment is its blindness to the faults of
its object. Thus, we see people sticking in relationships that are abusive, unfaithful, ungodly or
purely irresponsible. Love does not disregard the faults of its object; it discerns and understands
them, then purposes to jointly solve them.

The decision to get into a relationship must be a conscious decision for passion, dedication and
unconditional love. This conscious decision must have three qualities:

1. Informed and intentional: you must be proceeding forth with an intention to have that
specific type of relationship at that level of intimacy,
2. Directional: Backed up with actions that align with those intentions, and
3. Selfless and sanctified: both the intentions and actions must be from a sanctified spirit of
selfless affection.

Big romantic love is not an overpowering energetic force that takes us over and sweeps us off our
feet. It is something we intentionally choose to co-create, from a balanced place – love; not anxiety,
fear or worship of the other person. What do I mean by balanced? It must be a partner with whom
we can be our authentic self. There should be no anxiety, fear, insecurity or pretense. Take note
of inner peace, joy, authenticity, vulnerability and acceptance in the development of your
intimacy.

Usually, attachment is a result of a psychological compensation factor. Some practical things to

deal with before getting into a relationship, to avoid attachment, are:

1. Low self-esteem.
2. Clingy/possessive.
3. Fear of loneliness/singlehood.
4. Tendency towards emotional manipulation.
5. Attraction/infatuation.
6. Emotional/sexual profligacy.
7. Ignorance of God’s standards.
8. Artificial perspectives of love and affection (“hopeless romantics”).
9. Psychological ambivalence (at one moment you are on an emotional high concerning
someone, the next moment you do not care about him or her).
 10. Negative impact of the marriage of, or upbringing by, your parents or guardians.
11. Impact of negative past events, for instance, defilement, broken relationships, fornication
and other sexual sins, abortion, cultural bias, etc.

As we move from like to love, may it be a move cautious and calculated, established on selfless
and sanctified affections, guided by God, led by His word, filled with His Spirit, and reflective of
the Son’s character. Avoid the various and diverse pitfall traps the devil has laid on your way:
infatuations, attachments and unmanaged attraction. May the good Lord establish our
relationships on the solid Rock of Ages which cannot be moved.