TUKSDA COLLEGE WEDNESDAY STUDY

SEASONS OF LOVE

FROM LIKE TO LOVE

The Greek language is rich in vocabulary, and these can be seen in the many words it has for
love (different sources say between 4 and 8 Greek words for love). They are as follows:
- Storge: affection
- Philia or Phileo: friendship
- Eros: sexual, erotic
- Agape: unconditional, divine, selfless
- Ludus: flirtatious, playful, casual, uncommitted
- Pragma: committed, long-standing
- Philautia: self-love
- Mania: obsessive, possessive, addictive, dependent
In the movies, adorable couples infatuated with each other fall in love and live happily ever after,
right?

In real life things tend to be a little different.

Crushes and infatuation go hand in hand, and are very similar. Crush is defined as a brief but
intense infatuation for someone, especially someone inappropriate or unattainable. Infatuation
is defined as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.

Unlike crushes and states of infatuation, love truly sees and accepts their object of affection. Love
is a devoted principle of deep affection. Love is patient, love is understanding, and love is
forgiving. Love desires a deep connection, while infatuation craves physical interactions.

PART 1 – PHILADELPHIA: LIKE AND LOVE

Before we distinguish between infatuation and love, let us clear with like and love. This will be the
focus of this first part of a series of studies on the nature of different levels and kinds of intimacy.
It is titled Philadelphia because the focus is brotherly love within the church community. This love
that is independent of emotions - can occur with or without it - once cultivated in the heart,
prepares that heart for love.

Liking and loving

What’s the difference between “liking” people and “loving” people? What do you mean when you
say, "I like you", and when you say, "I love you"? To “like” someone is “to find them agreeable,
pleasant or enjoyable.” Liking implies positive emotions — good feelings and good “chemistry”
between two parties. It includes a sense of pleasure when you’re with a person or when you’re
thinking about them.
Liking is based on things such as mutual interests, compatibility of temperament and
personalities, comradeship or similar life experiences. Liking someone is emotionally,
psychologically and intellectually fun and fulfilling. It lies at the formation of great friendships.

It’s interesting that the Bible never commands us to like everybody. It never mentions liking as a
necessity in ALL of our interactions and relationships with other people.

The absence of its mention doesn’t imply that it’s not a good or desirable thing in relationships.
Liking doesn’t have to be encouraged because it naturally occurs, without any effort on our part,
in our interactions and connections with some folks. It’s something that happens “organically.”
We just “like” some people, because, to us, they’re “likable.”

We get into trouble when we confuse liking and loving. While the Bible never commands us to
“like everyone,” it does command us to “love everyone.”

While “liking” happens naturally in some relationships, “loving” people as God defines it, is
not natural. It’s not something we’re inclined to do. While liking someone may eventually lead
to loving someone, from God’s perspective, liking is not the antecedent — the prerequisite — to
loving. In fact, God commands us to love people we may not like at all. From God’s perspective,
loving and liking are two separate things. They aren’t necessarily mutually inclusive.

The Bible describes real love as a mindset and set of actions we choose, regardless of, and
sometimes in defiance of, our feelings toward someone. No “warm and fuzzy” emotions are
necessary to fulfill the command to love.

Love, from a biblical frame of reference, thinks and acts certain ways toward people with or
without positive emotions. For example, one characteristic of biblical love is kindness. We can
choose to think kind thoughts and do kind things for people no matter what we feel about them.

Thinking and acting in loving ways toward others often requires us to ignore and press past any
negative feelings we have toward them. This isn’t easy, and it’s not fun or personally fulfilling
(at least when we first start practicing it). It requires commitment to God’s way of living, trusting
that His way is the right way.

Why is it important for us to understand the difference between “liking” and “loving?” Because
it takes our emotions out of the equation. It makes love something that is accessible and possible
(through God’s grace and power) for us. We can actually love someone (through God’s grace and
power) that we really don’t like at all. When we think about them and act toward them the way
God commands us to, we’re choosing to love them. We’re obeying the law of love.

Agape love defines every other love. Otherwise, love will only be infatuation.

Here’s how the Bible describes love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not
 delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Notice how others-centred the God-kind of love is. It calls us to relinquish concerns about
ourselves, our needs, our satisfaction and our pleasure. Loving is about treating others the
right way regardless of, and sometimes in spite of, the kind of treatment we receive from them.
It’s all about attending to another person God’s way, with no preoccupation about ourselves.

But here’s the secret blessing that comes when we choose to love God’s way. It paves the path for
incredibly positive feelings inside us. Right thoughts and actions always lead to right feelings.
Loving thoughts and actions eventually produce great feelings. When we obey God’s law of love
we open ourselves to God, for He is love!

How does this understanding of the love God has called us to cultivate within the Christian
community fit into our studies on romantic love? This brotherly love within a community
(church, at home, at school, at workplace, etc) is a perfect training for romantic love if accepted
as a permanent trait and not a temporal state.

Healthy relationships are paramount

Which is better, having a lot of money and bad relationships with everyone, or good relationships
with everyone but no money? There are people who just go about betraying friends, breaking
hearts and despising fellow humans in the pursuit of wealth. And the sheer number of such may
sometimes seem to imply that money is better than good relationships, but well, good friends,
will give you food. Ha ha. On a light note though.

Good relationships with people create happiness in the place of loneliness. There is joy in sharing.
Man is essentially social before he is material. And good relationships can bring money, but the
inverse is rarely ever true.

Except for knowing Christ and having eternal life, healthy relationships make life enjoyable
perhaps more than anything else. Even if your health isn’t the best, if you have loving
relationships, you can enjoy life. You can make a pile of money, but if your relationships are
broken or shallow, your life will be empty. A poor man with a loving family and good friends is
far richer than a rich man who is poor relationally. What's the need for the money when I can't
spend it with the people I love? Money is sweeter when spent with friends!

The Bible ranks healthy relationships as the most important thing in life. A Jewish religious expert
asked Jesus (Matt. 22:36), “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

The rich man asked an important question, unfortunately, from a legalistic perspective. Christ
gives a relational answer. He replies (Matt. 22:37-40):

“‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your
mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your
neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
A loving relationship with God is of first importance; but loving relationships with others is
second. The Bible is all about these two important relationships.

Because the Bible emphasizes healthy relationships so highly, it’s sad that there are so many
believers who have hurting or broken relationships. Many Christian homes have been shattered
by divorce. Some who stay married are unhappy. Their homes are a tense battle ground, not a
loving refuge. Many Christian parents are at odds with their kids and the kids with their parents.
On the church level, some bounce from church to church, leaving a trail of damaged relationships
behind. I know of Christians who won’t speak to other Christians because of misunderstandings,
hurt feelings, and wrongs that have taken place. Sadly, the loving families, genuine friendships,
and healthy relationships that we want most out of life often elude us.

PART 2 – EROS: INFATUATION AND LOVE

No one can so effectually ruin a woman's happiness and usefulness, and make life a
heartsickening burden, as her own husband; and no one can do one hundredth part as much to
chill the hopes and aspirations of a man, to paralyze his energies and ruin his influence and
prospects, as his own wife. It is from the marriage hour that many men and women date their
success or failure in this life, and their hopes of the future life. {AH 43.1}

I wish I could make the youth see and feel their danger, especially the danger of making unhappy
marriages. {AH 43.2}

One hundredth, dear reader, one hundredth.

And what is the devil doing in the meantime?

He [Satan] is busily engaged in influencing those who are wholly unsuited to each other to
unite their interests. He exults in this work, for by it he can produce more misery and hopeless
woe to the human family than by exercising his skill in any other direction. {LYL 29.1}

Many marriages can only be productive of misery; and yet the minds of the youth run in this
channel because Satan leads them there, making them believe that they must be married in
order to be happy, when they have not the ability to control themselves or support a family.
Those who are not willing to adapt themselves to each other's disposition, so as to avoid
unpleasant differences and contentions, should not take the step. {LYL 29.2}

This question of marriage should be a study instead of a matter of impulse. {LYL 29.3}

As she says elsewhere, many are mated, but not matched.

Marriage, in a majority of cases, is a most galling yoke. There are thousands that are mated but
not matched. The books of heaven are burdened with the woes, the wickedness, and the abuse
that lie hidden under the marriage mantle. This is why I would warn the young who are of a
marriageable age to make haste slowly in the choice of a companion. The path of married life may
appear beautiful and full of happiness; but why may not you be disappointed as thousands of
others have been? {AH 44.1}
Today, we'll not get into how to make the choice, or even when, but rather, what is the nature of
the relationship that will withstand the test of time and trial?

We ask the question: “Is it true love?” But be forewarned, we are on a treasure hunt, for a most
rare gem.

There is but little real, genuine, devoted, pure love. This precious article is very rare. Passion is
termed love. {AH 50.2}

What then is the difference between love and infatuation?

INFATUATION LOVE
Feelings Come on Fast Love is a Product of Time and Knowledge
Infatuation hits with an out of this world Love understands that true intimacy is
intensity. You saw them and you knew you developed over a long time and through
had to have them. Love at first sight, so to many seasons of life. It is focused on the
speak. The feelings didn't grow and develop process more than the product.
over time, which is what happens with love,
they were almost instantaneous.
True love is a high and holy principle, altogether different in character from that love
which is awakened by impulse and which suddenly dies when severely tested. {LYL 29.4}
Love is a plant of heavenly growth, and it must be fostered and nourished. {LYL 30.4}
The good name of honor is sacrificed under the spell of this infatuation, and the marriage
of such persons cannot be solemnized under the approval of God. They are married because
passion moved them, and when the novelty of the affair is over, they will begin to realize
what they have done. In six months after the vows are spoken, their sentiments toward
each other have undergone a change. Each has learned in married life more of the
character of the companion chosen. Each discovers imperfections that, during the
blindness and folly of their former association, were not apparent. The promises at the
altar do not bind them together. In consequence of hasty marriages, even among the
professed people of God, there are separations, divorces, and great confusion in the church.
{LYL 34.1}
Short Lived Feelings Last
Crushes come and go pretty quickly, usually With love, feelings may not last forever, but
in a matter of months. Love stays, whether they do last a while, whether you stay in a
the relationship works or not, the relationship or not. Love does not go away
appreciation of the other person are always after a couple of months, or because you
there to some degree. realize they are flawed or look a hot mess in
the morning.
It looks beyond mere externals and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and
discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding. {LYL 30.1}
May not Withstand Conflict Seeks Solutions in Conflicts
Conflict can end a relationship that's just in In love, each partner sees the trauma as the
the "like" stage: "In infatuation, when one catalyst for deeper intimacy and
partner hurts the other, the trauma pulls understanding.
apart the relationship. However, be warned.
In infatuation, people may still fight for it,
especially if they were getting something
they need (physically, emotionally or
psychologically).
… its devotion is real and abiding. {LYL 30.1}
Mildness, gentleness, forbearance, long-suffering, being not easily provoked, bearing all
things, hoping all things, enduring all things--these are the fruit growing upon the precious
tree of love, which is of heavenly growth. This tree, if nourished, will prove to be an
evergreen. Its branches will not decay, its leaves will not wither. It is immortal, eternal
watered continually by the dews of heaven. {LYL 30.3}
When real life comes in with its troubles and cares, they are wholly unprepared to meet
them. They expect in each other perfection, but find weakness and defects; for finite men
and women are not faultless. Then they begin to find fault with each other, and to express
their disappointment. Instead of this, they should try to help each other, and should seek
practical godliness to help them to fight the battle of life valiantly. {LYL 31.2}
Sees Perfection Accepts Them, Flaws and All
With crushes and infatuation it is more When we truly love someone, we see their
about the idea of the person, than the person flaws, and we accept them. Take note: we do
themselves. Maybe you think you would not disregard the flaws, we accommodate
look great together as a couple, or one or them, and if need be, jointly help each other
both of you have a certain status in the overcome them.
community or a high income. The mind
creates and envisions the perfect life
together, and the happily ever after with
Prince Charming.
Those who have such high ideas of the married life, whose imagination has wrought out an
air-castle picture that has naught to do with life's perplexities and troubles, will find
themselves sadly disappointed in the reality. When real life comes in with its troubles and
cares, they are wholly unprepared to meet them. They expect in each other perfection, but
find weakness and defects; for finite men and women are not faultless. Then they begin
to find fault with each other, and to express their disappointment. Instead of this, they
should try to help each other, and should seek practical godliness to help them to fight the
battle of life valiantly. {LYL 31.2}
Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind. {LYL 30.2}
Controlling, domineering, disrespectful Respects Individuality
Infatuation may employ conscious and Love understands that we are all
subconscious, physical and psychological autonomous beings with different
tools of controlling the other party, partly worldviews and life paths, which may not
out of insecurity, partly because it is simply perfectly align to your vision.
carnal.
Will she be allowed to preserve her individuality, or must her judgment and conscience
be surrendered to the control of her husband? {AH 47.1}
Will he be patient with my mistakes, or will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial?
{AH 47.2}
Crazy or Irrational Behavior Reasonable, practical and submissive to morals
In addition, liking someone a lot is an Mature, secure, respects boundaries, slow,
obsessive feeling. You want them to call or waits. It will not employ worldly principles
text all the time. You might stalk their social in its progression.
media. You force them to have plans, or use
sex and hooking up to control them. But love
is different.
Crushes can lead to stalking, intense
jealously, and obsessive behavior.
Sometimes the intense feelings of crushes
can also cause risky behavior, and irrational
thinking.
Love is power. Intellectual and moral strength are involved in this principle, and cannot
be separated from it. {LYL 31.3}
Two persons become acquainted; they are infatuated with each other, and their whole
attention is absorbed. Reason is blinded, and judgment is overthrown. They will not
submit to any advice or control, but insist on having their own way, regardless of
consequence. {LYL 33.4}
Weigh every sentiment, and watch every development of character in the one with whom
you think to link your life destiny. The step you are about to take is one of the most
important in your life, and should not be taken hastily. While you may love, do not love
blindly. {LYL 35.1}
Based On attraction, may engage force Based on selfless affection alone
Crushes are often based strictly on physical Only by love is love awakened. You love and
attributes since you really don't know the woo, hoping a reciprocation of the love, but
"real" person, and there is nothing else to go ready to receive a response to the negative.
on except what you created in your head. You love them enough to be willing to see
The infatuation begins because you find them happy with someone else. You love
them beautiful or hot, and strongly desire them enough to accept God’s will for them,
the person. Usually the crush is someone even if it is not in accordance with your
whom is out of reach for you. feelings.
Wherever the power of intellect, of authority, or of force is employed, and love is not
manifestly present, the affections and will of those whom we seek to reach assume a
defensive, repelling position, and their strength of resistance is increased. {LYL 33.1}
Love works not for profit nor reward; yet God has ordained that great gain shall be the
certain result of every labor of love. {LYL 32.3}
May be deceptive, impure, insincere Open and Honest and Pure
Words may be spoken, emotions expressed Love is willing to go deep. Love is open and
and motives insinuated that are not true honest. Love wants to share their hope,
reflections of what is in the heart. It becomes dreams, and fears, and hear about yours.
almost like a mind game; the end game?
Having you to myself. It may also be impure
in speech, thought and action. It may also
draw them away from God.
While pure love will take God into all its plans, and will be in perfect harmony with the
Spirit of God, passion will be headstrong, rash, unreasonable, defiant of all restraint, and
will make the object of its choice an idol. In all the deportment of one who possesses true
love, the grace of God will be shown. Modesty, simplicity, sincerity, morality, and religion
will characterize every step toward an alliance in marriage. Those who are thus controlled
will not be absorbed in each other's society, at a loss of interest in the prayer meeting and
the religious service. Their fervor for the truth will not die on account of the neglect of
the opportunities and privileges that God has graciously given to them. {AH 50.5}
Unfaithful Only Eyes for Them
There are many who already manifest their Love only has eyes for you. If the eyes
playing abilities before formalizing their wander, then you are not in love. Love isn't
present union. How much more will they blind to other's beauty, but love's eyes
play when the yoke of marriage is made follow their heart.
official, and there’s nowhere you’re going?
To trifle with hearts is a crime of no small magnitude in the sight of a holy God. And yet
some will show preference for young ladies and call out their affections, and then go
their way and forget all about the words they have spoken and their effect. A new face
attracts them, and they repeat the same words, devote to another the same attentions.
{AH 57.1}
This disposition will reveal itself in the married life. The marriage relation does not always
make the fickle mind firm, the wavering steadfast and true to principle. They tire of
constancy, and unholy thoughts will manifest themselves in unholy actions. How essential
it is, then, that the youth so gird up the loins of their mind and guard their conduct that
Satan cannot beguile them from the path of uprightness. {AH 57.2}
Selfish Their Happiness is Important
Infatuation sees its object as a source of We are willing to sacrifice for those we love
fulfilment for a present physical, emotional, and put their wants and needs before our
psychological or social need, and not as an own. Love is willing to be inconvenienced,
opportunity for service even if unrequited. bored, and patient for the one who means
the most.
Progresses in secrecy from accountability figures Seeks accountability
A young man who enjoys the society and wins the friendship of a young lady unbeknown
to her parents does not act a noble Christian part toward her or toward her parents.
Through secret communications and meetings he may gain an influence over her mind,
but in so doing he fails to manifest that nobility and integrity of soul which every child of
God will possess. In order to accomplish their ends, they act a part that is not frank and
open and according to the Bible standard, and prove themselves untrue to those who love
them and try to be faithful guardians [spiritual accountability figures] over them.
Marriages contracted under such influences are not according to the word of God. He who
would lead a daughter away from duty, who would confuse her ideas of God's plain and
positive commands to obey and honor her parents, is not one who would be true to the
marriage obligations. . . . {AH 57.3}
"Thou shalt not steal" was written by the finger of God upon the tables of stone, yet how
much underhand stealing of affections is practiced and excused! A deceptive courtship is
 maintained, private communications are kept up, until the affections of one who is
inexperienced, and knows not whereunto these things may grow, are in a measure
withdrawn from her parents and placed upon him who shows by the very course he
pursues that he is unworthy of her love. The Bible condemns every species of dishonesty. .
. . {AH 58.1}
Lovesick sentimentalism – castle-building Elevated
You have fallen into the sad error which is so prevalent in this degenerate age, especially
with women. You are too fond of the other sex. You love their society; your attention to
them is flattering, and you encourage, or permit, a familiarity which does not always
accord with the exhortation of the apostle, to "abstain from all appearance of evil." . . . {AH
52.3}
Turn your mind away from romantic projects. You mingle with your religion a romantic,
lovesick sentimentalism, which does not elevate, but only lowers. It is not yourself alone
who is affected; others are injured by your example and influence. . . . Daydreaming and
romantic castle building have unfitted you for usefulness. You have lived in an imaginary
world; you have been an imaginary martyr and an imaginary Christian. {AH 52.4}
Give to yourself vigilant self-instruction, and bring yourself under self-control. {AH 53.2}
Fiery Calm
True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in
its nature. {AH 51.2}
Love, lifted out of the realm of passion and impulse, becomes spiritualized, and is
revealed in words and acts. A Christian must have a sanctified tenderness and love in
which there is no impatience of fretfulness; the rude, harsh manners must be softened by
the grace of Christ. {AH 51.3}
The feelings, euphoria, and emotions involved in infatuation may also be involved in love. The
butterflies, and the feelings of pure joy at the sight of them may happen in both cases. But with
love, there are thoughts of a future together, and realistic expectations of each other.

What are your thoughts on crushes and infatuation? Do you believe that infatuation can turn to
love? Have you ever thought it was love only to realize it was just a crush? Please share!