Chapter 2

The Top Ten

Relational Needs

ow that we have examined some general characteristics of our

N neediness, we are ready to undertake a more detailed exploration

of our relational needs. In this chapter, we will survey ten significant
relational needs that are shared by all humanity: acceptance,
affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect,
security, and support. As we will see, we each have opportunity to both “receive”
and “give” in relationship to these needs as we live life to the fullest in relationship
with God and others.

ACCEPTANCE

The need for acceptance is met by receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even
when their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differences
that may exist between you.

Critical to this need for acceptance is to separate a person’s worth and value from
their behavior and performance. Each person has worth and value which should be
acknowledged by each of us. For example in parenting, I can still accept and love
my child even while providing correction and discipline of their behavior. Even as
justice is sought and lived out in the affairs of men, dignity and significance of
human life remain important. To communicate acceptance is at times to value a
“person” while at the same time disapproving or even deploring their behavior.

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 Top Ten Relational Needs

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Acceptance?

1. Look beyond people’s faults, realizing that we all have them! The closer we get to
others, the more we notice their imperfections. Acceptance requires that we look
past these flaws and focus instead on meeting their needs. We may need to address
“faults” but we need to continue to care.

2. Forgive others when they commit offenses against you. Unforgiveness short-cir-
cuits acceptance and we all need the understanding and forgiveness of others.

3. Make a special effort to help others feel accepted when they experience failure or
disappointment, as people’s relational need for acceptance is greatly accentuated
during such times.

4. Demonstrate genuine acceptance of those who are of a different race, nationality,

or socio-economic group from your own. Strive to talk with them, welcome them,
include them, and invite them to join you in various activities.

5. Be especially sensitive to others’ need for acceptance when they enter into a new
environment. When people move to a different city, job or school, they have an
acute need to be accepted and actively received into the new group.

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:

Take a moment to recall a time when someone looked beyond your faults and saw
your needs. When did you receive acceptance in spite of your behavior? When did
someone look past your inadequacies or failures and communicate their care?

Now, share that memory with your partner or small group. Recount both your
experience and your feelings related to the acceptance you received.

Someone looked past my faults/failures and expressed care to me by ___________.

As a result, I remember feeling _______________.

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Make certain to give accepting responses to one another as you share. Accepting
responses might sound like: “I know that time must have been hard for you. I’m
grateful that you received his/her acceptance,” or “ I am sad that you experienced
those difficult things, yet I am happy that there was someone in your life to show
you acceptance.”

AFFECTION

The need for affection is met by expressing care and closeness through physical touch
and through words such as “I love you” or “I care about you.”

• Appropriate expressions of affection are obviously important within marriage.

• Infants and children are born needing to be held and hugged in order to develop
in healthy ways.

• Even youth and young adults, while they may not admit it, also benefit from
family and friends who express caring affection.

• Friendships benefit from heart-felt expressions of caring words and reassuring

presence.

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Affection?

1. Give affection through physical touch. Different gestures will be appropriate

depending on the nature of your relationship with the other person:

Your spouse – hold, caress, hug, embrace, hold hands, kiss. Many married couples
can benefit by increasing their non-sexual expressions of affection.

Your children – hold, hug, kiss, hold hands, wrestle.

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Friends – shake hands, embrace, “friendly” kiss, give a gentle pat on the
back...always being consistent with appropriate culture and customs.

(Note: Someone might indicate that they are uncomfortable receiving affection
through physical touch, be careful about persisting to offer it.)

2. Verbalize your love and care by speaking tender words of endearment. For many
people in your family it may be particularly meaningful to receive an unsolicited,
spontaneous “I love you.” If you have difficulty speaking words of love and affec-
tion, begin by writing your thoughts on cards and notes before progressing to verbal
communication.

APPRECIATION

The need for appreciation is met by expressing thanks, praise, or commendation,

particularly in recognition of someone’s accomplishments or efforts; appreciation
has a specific focus on what a person “does”.

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Appreciation?

1. Make it a point to praise people verbally. When someone performs a positive

deed, makes a significant contribution, or simply tries hard, commend that person.
For many people, such verbal praise is particularly effective when given publicly.

2. Focus on the things that people do right, not just on the things that they do
wrong. Your spouse, children, employees, and friends will almost certainly be more
motivated by positive affirmation than by negative critiques.

3. Generously give tangible expressions of appreciation, such as cards, notes,

plaques, and special gifts that reflect a knowledge of the recipient’s unique interests,
contributions and accomplishments.

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The Top Ten Relational Needs

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
First list below a few of the important relationships in your life...spouse, one or
more of your children, friend, co-worker, etc. Then, Recall a recent time when you
were grateful for something that they “did” in a helpful, positive, supportive way.
IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP
1. I’m appreciative that
2. I’m appreciative that
3. I’m appreciative that
4. I’m appreciative that
Example: My wife Teresa I’m appreciative that she is very supportive with
meals, helping with my
clothes and many household
maintenance items.
APPROVAL
The need for approval is met by building up or affirming another person, particularly
for “who” they are (as opposed to what they do). It is also met by affirming both the
fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.
Approval is best understood as a process of discovering and expressing your grate-
fulness for another person in terms of who they are (i.e. their character, strengths,
talents, gifts). Approval can be expressed privately as well as publicly. It can be
expressed verbally, in writing, or in other creative ways. Being able to give another
person “Approval” requires getting to know him/her more deeply.
How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Approval?
1. Publicly and privately express to people their great value to you by saying things
like, “I am so fortunate to have a friend like you,” “I am so blessed to have you as
my father,” or “I could not ask for a better co-worker than you!”
2. Affirm people for who they are and for the positive character qualities they
exhibit, such as diligence, gentleness, honesty, purity, dependability, faithfulness,
punctuality, compassion, joyfulness and initiative.

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 Top Ten Relational Needs

3. Make it a priority to give explicit approval to your immediate family members. If

you are married, tell your spouse: “God has blessed me so much by giving me you
as my spouse!” If you have children, tell them: “I am so proud that you are my
daughter,” or “I am so glad you are my son, I love you.” When parents voice their
approval of a child’s unique character qualities, it helps to free that child from feel-
ing like he or she has to compete with siblings or peers for approval. As children
experience the security that comes with parental approval, they are enabled to grow
and mature without being paralyzed by a fear of failure.

4. When you are in a position of authority over others, your approval is especially
important to them. Affirming those over whom you have supervision brings
personal encouragement, strengthens group morale, and keeps people from
becoming “weary in doing good”.

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
From the list below select a character quality that some key people in your life pos-
sess. After you’ve selected a person and a character quality, think of specific events
or experiences that reveal or display these attributes.
• Contentment • Gratefulness • Sensitivity
• Hospitality • Truthfulness • Diligence
• Understanding • Discernment • Patience
• Generosity • Self-Control • Resourcefulness
• Creativity • Loyalty • Forgiveness
IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP

1. I’m grateful that(who) is

2. I’m grateful that(who) is
3. I’m grateful that(who) is
4. I’m grateful that(who) is
Example:
I’m grateful that (who) Teresa is very forgiving-especially of my shortcomings.

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ATTENTION
The need for attention is met by conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care.
Addressing this need requires us to take notice of others and make an effort to
enter into their respective worlds.

Meeting the need for “Attention” often involves the simplest of the relational skills:
simply noticing, listening and showing interest. Even though simple, a price must
be paid and the price is to think of others more often rather than merely thinking
of ourselves.

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Attention?

1. Spend time with people. There is no substitute for simply being with someone.
Time is a valuable commodity, and giving it to others is thus a wonderful way to
express attentive care.

2. Do not just spend time with groups of people; arrange for private meetings with
specific individuals. Our need for attention simply cannot be met as well in groups
as it can in a one-on-one setting. For instance, if you have three children, you might
spend private time with each child on a regular basis in order to meet their individ-
ual needs for attention.

3. Meet people where they are. Enter into their worlds. Let your child take you to
his or her favorite park. If you have a business luncheon, pick up your client at his
or her office. When your spouse, child, or friend has a performance, concert, sport-
ing event, or awards ceremony, be there. Even though it might not be your favorite
way to pass the time, invest yourself in the hobbies, activities, and pasttimes of oth-
ers.

4. Listen to people. Speak less and listen more! Do not dominate conversations,
but encourage others to talk about themselves and their feelings, plans, goals, and
dreams. Arrange to meet people in an environment where you will not be interrupt-
ed.

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Concentrate on the conversation; do not daydream or succumb to distractions

(t.v.’s, cell phones, etc.). Give eye contact, show interest, ask questions-in order to
better know people.

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Who Entered Your World? Becoming a person who cares for others begins with
learning to truly “be with” them and getting to know them. Consider your growing-
up years. Do you remember someone who entered your world and really got to
know you-a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, teacher, coach, other friend? Did
these people know you more than at a superficial level-knowing what you enjoyed,
hoped, dreaded, or when you were hurting or afraid?
In the space below, write the names of the people who did know you and describe
how they entered your world and got to know you. Then share one of your exam-
ples with others in your group.
Who Knew You? What Did “Entering Your World” Look Like?

COMFORT
The need for comfort is met by caringly responding to a hurting person through
words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch. Meeting this need requires
us to truly hurt with and for another person in the midst of their grief or pain.

A story is told of a young girl named Jane, late for dinner after playing next door at
her friend Mary’s house. Her mother inquired as to why she was late, and Jane
responded “Mary’s favorite doll broke!” So her mother continued to inquire “So

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you stayed to help her fix it?” “No”, said Jane, “I stayed and helped her cry.”
Comfort is to “hurt with” another person. Comfort is an emotional, heart-felt
response to another’s heart-felt sadness, pain, loss or discouragement. Comfort is
NOT facts, logic or reason, but rather it is to be moved with compassion to express
CARE to another at their point of pain.

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Comfort?

1. Learn to recognize when people need comfort, and be available and willing to
care for them during such times. People’s need for comfort is most acute when they
are physically ill, dealing with the illness or death of a loved one, going through a
divorce or separation, unemployed, under significant stress, or facing a major change
in their normal routine as a result of a job change, relocation or a similarly disrup-
tive circumstance. Acute trauma from violence, abuse, abandonment and betrayal
most definitely need the blessing of comfort.

2. When someone needs comfort, refrain from analyzing the root causes of their
misfortune (“The reason this happened was…”), giving advice (“If I were you, I
would…”), and criticizing their behavior (“If you had not _____, this would not
have happened to you.”). Instead, learn to empathize with those who are hurting,
identifying with their feelings, joining them in their mourning, and offering sensitive,
sympathetic care. Remember that comfort is an emotional response to another per-
son’s emotional pain. The need for comfort cannot be adequately met by rational
responses such as analysis, advice, or criticism.

3. Use words that convey genuine comfort, such as, “I am so sorry that you are
hurting,” “I hurt for you,” “I love you and I want to care for you” or “I am on your
side and I am committed to help you through this.” Such expressions of comfort
can be communicated both verbally and in writing.

4. In addition to verbal expressions of comfort, use appropriate physical touch to

share your care. If administered sensitively and sincerely, a warm embrace, a squeeze
of the hand, or simply your quiet presence can bring great comfort to a hurting
person.

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5. Sometimes simply being with others in a time of difficulty or loss—sitting quietly

beside them in a hospital room, at a funeral, or in their home after a significant cri-
sis provides great comfort.

6. Sincere and emotional responses such as a sad look or even tears can powerfully
convey your compassion and bring comfort.

ENCOURAGEMENT

The need for encouragement is met by urging others to persist and persevere in their
efforts to attain their goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.

Life in an imperfect world inevitably brings its measure of discouragement, disillu-

sionment and anxiety. From the youngest age we face challenges, difficulties, fail-
ures and inadequacies. It’s at such times that we don’t need to be alone! We need
someone to believe in us, urge us on and re-focus our hopes on the future; such is
the importance of encouragement.

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Encouragement?

1. Encourage your spouse, children, and friends to live productive lives by helping
them to develop plans and goals for the future, actively assisting them in reaching
those goals. If they are already goal-oriented, learn what their goals are and help
them to succeed.

2. Recognize when others are discouraged and give encouragement to them. Listen
closely for verbal evidence of discouragement, including statements such as, “I will
never be able to…” “I just can’t…” or “It’s no use.” Respond with caring,
comforting words such as, “It hurts me to hear you say that” or “I am sad that you
are feeling this way.” Then offer a few words that will build them up, such as: “I
believe in you” or “I know that you can do this.”

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The Top Ten Relational Needs

3. Encouragement can be given through a phone call, a card or letter, or a personal

visit. Make it a habit to perform several encouraging gestures each day.

4. Let people know that you are thinking of them...that they have recently been on
your mind. Remember things that are important to them, asking about them often.

5. When others are discouraged, include them in a meal, invite them to join you in
an activity or spend a day out together. Often, a simple change of routine, along
with meaningful companionship, can lift a person’s spirits and encourage their heart.

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Be “on guard” to some of the personal challenges of being a great encourager!
We will miss opportunities to encourage others when we are:
Focused so much on our own needs, giving little attention to others
Focused more on the “past” rather than the “future”
Insistent on perfection, precision, and our own timing
Controlling, nagging, and complaining
Putting activities and accomplishments before people
Focusing on what we don’t have and what we can’t do
Lacking hope-filled goals ourselves
After you’ve marked those items in each category you believe describes you, discuss
your answers with one another.

RESPECT
The need for respect is met by valuing one another highly, treating one another as
important, and honoring one another with our words and actions.

Conveying Respect is to affirm the significance, value and worth that the creator
intends for each human being. Respect for individuals is one of the ways we com-
municate the unique place that people hold in God’s creative order of all things.

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How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Respect?

1. Before making an important decision that will impact other people, take time to
discuss the matter with them. For instance, husbands and wives should discuss
business and employment commitments, trips, guests, major expenditures, and other
significant issues before any commitments are made. Likewise, parents should dis-
cuss with each other (and even with older children) issues such as household chores
and disciplinary procedures.

2. Ask others to share their ideas and give their input and, whenever possible and
appropriate, defer to their opinions. For example, rather than telling your family
where they are going on holiday, ask them where they would like to go. Instead of
always handing down orders to your employees, allow them to be involved in the
decision- making process.

3. Respect the property, privacy, and personal preferences of those around you. If
you borrow something from a friend, return it in better shape than you received it.
When you are visiting someone’s home or office, show proper respect for his or her
preferences regarding how it is kept. Honor other people’s privacy: allow your
spouse to enjoy needed times of solitude, knock before entering your child’s room,
and ask before sitting at a co-worker’s desk or looking through another person’s
belongings.

4. Respect other people’s time by being prompt for appointments. Being late and
making others wait on us indicates a measure of disrespect for their schedule and
effectively robs them of an irreplaceable commodity--time!

5. Eliminate all prejudices related to the issues of race, ethnicity, gender, and
socio-economic standing. Any such form of cultural bias or favoritism undermines
respect and distracts from the creator’s having given unique value to every person.

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SECURITY
The need for security is met by establishing and maintaining harmony in our
relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm. This process
involves mutual expressions of vulnerability, the deepening of trust, and the
successful resolution of conflict.

Security needs exist for our safety, and our shelter. We also need to be secure in our
finances and provision---but our relational security is also very important. Security
in relationships is found as family, friends and ever broadening circles of people can
“count on” me, my character, my integrity. Security in relationships is what brings a
good reputation, loyalty and the promise of an honorable legacy.

How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Security?

1. Seek to increase “relational security” in your closest relationships. For example,
a husband should live in such a way that his wife does not worry about his
faithfulness to their marriage. Children should be made to feel secure in the knowl-
edge that their parents will always love and care for them. Close friends should
demonstrate a depth of commitment to each other that will prevail through good
times and bad.

2. Keep your promises. Always do the things that you have committed to do.
“Simply say “Yes” when you mean ‘Yes’, and say ‘No’ when you mean ‘No’.

3. Provide financial security for those to whom you are responsible. Provide for
your family. Pay bills. Don’t live beyond your means. Act with integrity in all mat-
ters.

4. Develop self-control, especially with regard to your emotions. A quick temper

will hinder others from experiencing security in their relationships with you.
Be consistent in how you relate to people. Extreme mood swings will undermine
your ability to establish peace and security in a relationship. If you are “up” one day
and “down” the next, those close to you will always be wondering, “What is he
going to be like today?” Emotional consistency breeds feelings of security.

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Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:

Noted below is a list of areas which need to be assessed for personal freedom in
order for us to provide relational security to those around us. Review this list and
circle those areas which may need your attention. Pause and bring to your mind
specific examples or situations that demonstrate your need for freedom in these
areas. In order for those around us to be secure, we need to be free from:

• Avoiding truth • “Flip-flopping” on decisions

• Excessive moodiness • Temper outbursts
• Selfishness • Childish self-pity
• Fears/insecurities • Pride/self-focus
• A focus on taking/not giving • Perfectionism
• Self-protection/avoiding vulnerability • Avoiding emotion
• Overly controlling of others • Impulsive decisions
After you have considered which of these areas may need to be addressed, vulnera-
bly share one or two with your group-then maybe with others in your life!

SUPPORT

The need for support is met by coming alongside others and providing gentle,
appropriate assistance with a problem or struggle.

Support is the most “practical” of all the relational needs and can be illustrated by:

1. First, notice the problems, challenges and burdens that others around
you are “under”. They are being “weighed down” by them.
2. Then, determine what practical help is needed.
3. Join them under the burden of their problem. Do not offer advice
or instruction, but your presence and support.

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How Might You Meet Others’ Need for Support?

1. Anticipate and notice when people are experiencing periods of stress, and be
available to help them. High stress can be produced by busy schedules,
unemployment, illness, death in the family, divorce, financial instability, family prob-
lems, relocation, or pressures at work. Such occasions can produce more pressure
than one person can bear without the support of others.

2. Be willing to do practical tasks to help others. Providing a meal, running errands,

cleaning, child-care, or household assistance may provide just the emotional lift that
someone needs.

3. Offer to use your personal resources to help support others. Not only will you
meet the practical needs of others by aiding them in this way, but they will also be
uniquely encouraged and blessed by your generosity.

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Gratitude for Love

Imagine a beautiful, many sided diamond, brilliant in color and clarity. This is the
image of love in its many forms. Just as a diamond has many facets that each
reflect light in a unique and stunning way, so love has many aspects, each of which
become visible in our lives at various times according to need. Picture this multi-
faceted diamond being offered to you as a gift, with each side of the diamond rep-
resenting the love necessary to address one of your ten key relational needs.
Extended to you is loving acceptance, affectionate care, appreciation for your
efforts, approval for “who” you are, comfort when you are in pain, encouragement
when you are down, respect for you as an individual, security in the midst of uncer-
tainty, and support when you are burdened. What have you or I done to deserve
such a wondrous gift? We have done nothing. We can do nothing. It is only in love
that our needs are met.

Pause to reflect on a time when you were discouraged and you were encouraged
through someone who cared. Remember a time when you were hurting and you
were comforted or when you were lonely and someone took thought of you. Then
complete the following statement:

I remember a time when I felt , and love was extended

to me by as he/she .

For example:

I remember a time when I felt lonely, and love was extended to me by a friend as
he/she called me and showed me love and concern.

Pause to reflect on your gratitude for the precious, multi-faceted gift of love.

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Living It Out
Close relationships at home, with friends, and within your community are
deepened as relational needs are identified and met through caring involvement
in each other’s lives. As we undertake this task, it is important that we avoid two
unhelpful patterns of behavior: concealing our needs while still expecting
others to meet them (“I am not going to tell anyone what my needs are, but I am
upset, disappointed, and hurt that they are not being met”) and being unsure about
what our needs really are while still expecting others to meet them (“I do not know
what I need, but I am upset, disappointed, and hurt that no one has figured it out”).

When we vulnerably share our needs with those who are close to us, we are
exercising confidence that they want to know what we need and giving them an
opportunity to help us. Likewise, our honesty creates a setting within which others
feel safe sharing their needs and allowing us to care for them. Such an environment
of mutual transparency and concern also allows those who are unsure about the
exact nature of their needs to gradually explore them in the context of a loving
community.

Take some time to consider one of your key relational needs, and think about how
you would like those close to you to act in order to address that need; then
complete the following statement:

One of my key relational needs is ________________, and it is met when someone

_________________________________________________________________.

In groups of two or three, take turns vulnerably sharing your responses. After each
person shares, meet one another’s need for encouragement by offering words of
reassurance such as, “I want to care for you in this way” or “I will look forward to
being a part of meeting this need.”

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Enrichment Group Notes

When relational needs are met, our lives are enriched. It is important to learn what
those needs look like in ourselves and others. In this chapter, we have explored ten
specific relational needs, focusing on how we can meet these needs for others.
1. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special in
my family/marriage when.....

Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then
note which relational need this may be meeting.

For example:
*I feel cared for when my family members help me with the chores around the
house. (support)
*I feel loved when my husband surprises me with appreciative words.
(appreciation)
2. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special in
my friendships when.....

Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then
note which relational need this may be meeting.
For example:
*I feel important to a friend when he/she seeks my input, advice or opinion.
(respect)
*I feel connected to a friend when he/she takes initiative to contact/check on me.
(attention)

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Getting to know a person well involves learning about what is on the inside
(thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc.) as well as what can be observed
externally (physical attributes, abilities, occupation, etc.). A good way to do this is to
engage someone in discussion using open-ended questions (ones that cannot be
answered with a simple “yes” or “no”).

Here are a few examples of meeting a person’s need for Attention

• Tell me about yourself and some of the things you enjoy.

• What do you like most about living here/working there, etc.?
• If you could do anything you wanted to, what would it be?
• You seem upset today. Would you like to talk about it?

In addition, occasional responses of concern, celebration, sadness, or appreciation

will assure the person that you care about what they say.

3. In groups of two or three, take turns learning something new about each other
as you practice using open-ended questions.

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