The Respectful Parent's Guide to Surviving the Holidays

Holidays are a time of family, friends, fun with parents and children looking forward to the traditions.

The songs, the beautiful city lights, families coming together - everything says that this is the most
wonderful time of the year.

And most of the times, it is 

Other times…it can be extremely stressful!

If you have younger children, you’re sure to know what I mean. Everything can turn from pleasant to
dramatic in a blink of an eye. Truth be told, the most wonderful time of the year can also be the most
stressful when seeking to balance a hectic and hurried holiday schedule.

We want to enjoy holidays but without thoughtful consideration of how to balance what’s to come next,
we might spend more time trying to survive them than actually enjoying holidays.

What can you do to make sure things don’t fall apart?

Carefully consider where you will stay

Be intentional and set boundaries around you and your toddlers need for space and privacy. If your
family house is not spacious enough, or quiet enough then you may need to ask yourself if it’s not a
better idea to simply book a room nearby your family’s house. As much as you love your parents, in the
long run this may be the better decision for everyone. You can schedule visits and time together with
them.

Sometimes less is more.

Chances are that you having access to your own intimate space can be a mood changer entirely, giving
you the peace of mind to really enjoy the time you do spend with family.

There’s the financial consideration as well. Of course, staying with family may be cheaper and help you
save some money. But if you end up more stressed and tired then having a place to escape to at the end
of the day could save your sanity especially if your relationship with your family is less than perfect.

Plan in advance about where to set boundaries around family members

Sensitive topics, yup! They’ll happen, be prepared for them.

Wouldn’t parenting be so much easier if everyone from your family would know what to say and how to
behave with your child? In an ideal world, this could be happening.

But for now, is better to think and plan in advance. How do you want to handle sensitive situations and
where you want to set boundaries around family members’ interactions with your child?
What will happen if uncle Rob makes racist comments has he has in years past, and now your child is old
enough to understand? How will you explain that Aunt Liza won’t be there this year because Grandma
disapproves of her girlfriend? What will you do if Grandpa offers your child a soda with every meal
because he drinks one with every meal?

How do you feel imagining these scenarios?

Bad, right?

Out of control.

Overwhelmed.

Yes, things will happen. Some comments may slip now and then and for the majority of them there’s not
much you can do to stop it. Ideally you can address your concerns and have some conversations with
your family members in advance. Consider any boundaries that you will not allow to have crossed. Be
clear inside your mind what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate and simply act accordingly when and if
the situation arises.

You don’t have to talk about sensitive subjects if you’d prefer not to.

“People think to have a fully authentic relationship with someone they have to be able to talk about
anything, and that’s not true,” Erin Olivo clinical psychologist. “Different people serve different functions
in your life.” It’s ok not wanting to engage in certain conversations or simply wanting to protect your
child from hearing racist comments or unkind lines regarding other family members.

Now, when you talk with family members about your concerns, approach the conversation from a place
of openness and curiosity rather than a desire to “make them see things your way”. No one wants to
feel put in the corner and criticized. Besides, the chances that your message really gets to your family
and you get back the results you look for, are higher in doing this.

“can you tell me more about…”

“what makes you think…”

“how would you like….”

These are some great conversation openers. It creates a space of trust and sincerity around the subject
without making anyone feel judged, criticized or rejected. The idea is to make sure that the focus is kept
on the problem itself, not on the people involved in the conversation. In other words, show
unconditional love for the other person while communicating your concerns. They will reciprocate the
love and eventually understand that you are simply concerned about what message is being sent across
to your child.

Accept that your family members will have different relationships with
your child than you do.

And for the majority of it, it will be just fine.

It’s OK if Grandma tells your child they are beautiful/strong, doles out candy as rewards. Given that old
habits die hard, there can be the case where they can’t handle your child’s meltdowns as you would
prefer and may hear some of the old “Big boys don’t cry”, “Good little girls eat everything from their
plates” and “Think of the poor children from (whatever) and eat your food”.

You can let them know what is helpful for them to do with your child during a meltdown that “it’s okay
and accepted for everyone to cry, including big boys” “emotions are normal and expressing them keep
us healthy” and “(your child name) will finish the dinner later, if he/she would like to”.

Nonetheless, grandparents love to treat their grandkids with cookies, candy and other sweet
confections just as much as kids love to receive them. It may help letting them know that there are other
ways in which they can show their love without necessarily handing out candies all the time. You can say
something in the lines of “there will be candies later as well, let’s play a game for now with Grandpa”.

Keep yourself calm and deal with crisis gently

“It’s stressful to be around family, period.” - Erin Olivo, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New
York. “The one thing that is different during the holidays, as opposed to other times of the year, is the
pressure of trying to be that big, happy family.”

Keep this in mind and hang in there. Be gentle with yourself and your child during holidays.

You are not alone in all of this and as stressful as it can be, there are good moments as well.

Remember that your child depends on you not only to regulate their environment but also to help them
regulate their moods. The early periods are an extremely sensitive time when children absorb all the
stimulation and energy in their environments. Holidays are actually stressful for children as much as
they are pleasant. All of the sights and sounds and crowds during the holidays can be a lot for kids to
digest

“mommy, I want to go home”

“ I don’t like grandpa”

“I don’t want to stay here anymore”

These are some early signs that things may be too much for your little one.

If you’re wondering what will help you better avoid overstimulation, that is being connected to your
child’s needs and flexible with their way of communicating what’s unpleasant.

“I am here. Mommy is here, what do you want the two of us to do now?”

“I can see you are not doing okay. What can mommy do to make you feel better?”

or simply be there in the moment, with your child. Most of the times a hug or just allowing your child to
feel what they feel, without putting into words right away, makes them feel connected and safe again.

Children, at early age may not know how to put in words what they feel and want or even know what is
causing them to be upset in that moment exactly. You know your child the best, therefore if they seem
like they are getting over stimulated, then they probably are.
Avoid getting your child over stimulated
Sometimes, in the midst of everything, you miss the signs. And your child is on the edge of a meltdown.

It’s not ideal but it happens. Here’s what you can do to restore the balance with your little one:

Be flexible – if your child is over stimulated he might cry and not be able to use words to
describe his feelings, seem tired or upset, throw himself on the floor in tears or anger, refuse to do a
particular activity anymore etc. Although there are plans or gathering you need to attend to, if things are
not working for your child, it’s okay to give it up. Your child will give you plenty of cues to let you know
when it’s been too much.

Use calm down corner - Plan in advance some quiet space for where your child can escape and
vent when they are becoming over stimulated. And the thing is, everybody becomes over stimulated
during holiday season. The best time to deal with this is to be proactive – think about situations where
your child is likely to have difficulties and plan for them. If they can’t handle crowds of loud people, have
a quiet room ready for them to escape to, and suggest it before they have a meltdown.

Help them use words – kids cannot give us complete expression of their emotions. By giving
them simple phrases such as ‘I need a break’ makes it easier for them to verbalize and ask for what they
need at that moment. Sometimes, a break, can simply mean going outside for a short walk, and take a
couple of deep breaths to regroup.

Be ready to protect your child when necessary

Be ready to ‘protect’ your child if necessary. They might need you to hold them when entering a
crowded room and explain to the others that they will say ‘hi’ when they’re ready, or offer Great Aunt
Hilda a high five instead of a hug and kiss before leaving.

Some family members may insist or simply lean to hug or kiss your child. You can step up and reinforce
your child’s boundaries and let them know that “right now they can receive a high five and maybe (your
child’s name) will be ready for a kiss/hug later”.

"But Grandma needs a hug for the holidays!" may exclaim your spouse. Maybe she does, but the needs
of the adults should never take priority over the needs of a child. If an adult says he/she "needs" a hug
that magnifies the reasons for your child to have permission to keep its boundaries. Children are not
meant to meet the needs of adults; nature has designed things to be the other way around. When
adults forget that, children can be at risk.

Whichever thing your child needs in order to cope with a certain situation, know that it’s normal and be
there to support their need.

By being there when your child needs you, as a protector of its boundaries and limits, you are setting
them for self acceptance. And more so, you are showing them that they can speak their truth and still be
loved and accepted.

Try to keep the routines if possible (e.g. bath, books, bed) but accept
that disruptions to routines are part of what makes holidays fun)
Whilst routines help you keep your child schedule organized, make sure it gets enough rest and avoid
overstimulation, during holidays it’s very difficult to have the same schedule in place. Just make sure to
keeping naptime and bedtime "sacred," at home and away and you should be fine. And give family and
friends advance warning of this strategy. Be proactive by communicating your scheduling needs by
saying something like, ‘We are so excited to visit and spend time together! I know we have a lot of
activities scheduled, so I just want to make sure that my child is able to nap daily from 12-2pm in order
to have a happy little one for you to play with and love on!’”

Holidays are a time of celebration and fun activities. There are so many wonderful opportunities during
holidays when we can connect with other family members and make the best of it. Additionally, wanting
everything to go as planned or asking too much of yourself, wanting everything to be perfect or flawless
may get you into a bad mood. If you notice this happening, step back and remember the essentials.

Your child needs you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love.

You’ve done your best.

You can congratulate yourself for a job well done, and not only now but every day, all year long.

Appreciate and love yourself, for all the efforts along the way!