Baggage

by Christian Kiley
A One Act Comedy-Drama
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 BAGGAGE
By Christian Kiley
Copyright © 2008 by Christian Kiley, All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1-60003-292-3

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 BAGGAGE

CHARACTERS

CHECKER Is responsible for enforcing the rules

GUESS #1 Has a rolling suitcase exactly like

Guess #2
GUESS #2 Has a rolling suitcase exactly like
Guess #1
TOTE Carries an expensive Coach purse

GYM Carries an athletic bag

MESSENGER Carries a mail-style shoulder bag

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DIAPER Carries a diaper bag

PAIL Carries a child’s lunch box

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NUMBER 13 AND NEXT GROUP The new group

The characters, other than Checker, are named for the bags they carry.
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Production Notes

There is a platform where Checker stands to look through the baggage

of the arriving people. This platform has two staircases leading up one
side for arrivals and down the other side for departures. Each staircase is
appropriately labeled for “arrivals” and “departures”. Checker's station
should have a small stand or other flat surface to set baggage on for
checking and inspection. Behind the station, accessible only to those
who have made it through Checker's search, are seven doors labeled:
Isolation, Anger, Regret, Guilt, Deception, Control, Delusion. In the end,
each baggage holder walks to the door that represents the personal
baggage that they are going to leave behind. The doors can be
operational but they do not have to be (they can be merely door frames).
In the world premier production, each character faced their door and the
new group entered on the arrival side as the lights faded, indicating the
cyclical nature of life. This thematic thread suggests that people never
stop facing their demons or skeletons within their lives. In the case when
doors are unavailable, signs may be used with the seven words on them.
This depends largely on the director and production team and their
design concept for the show. Please feel free to explore the metaphor of
“baggage” in ways that challenge the creative team and the audience.

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 BY CHRISTIAN KILEY

“Baggage” was produced by Great Oak High School (Temecula, CA)

Theatre Arts Department and premiered on February 13, 2008, at the
University of La Verne One-Act Festival (La Verne, CA). It was awarded
Best Production. Aaron Niotta was awarded Excellence in Acting for the
role of Checker. The premiere of “Baggage” was directed by Justin
Girard. The playwright would like to thank the director, cast, and creative
team for their invaluable input during the creative process.

GUESS #1 - Michael Guccione

GUESS #2 - Haylan Gilbert
CHECKER - Aaron Niotta
GYM - Richard Rogers
DIAPER - Sandra Kieler
PAIL - Courtney Duncan
TOTE - Ashley Jenness

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MESSENGER- Patrick Bailey
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NUMBER 13 AND NEXT GROUP- Angela Hewitson, Cole Krater,
Katherine Vestakis, Gregory Dernbach, Lauren Rodriguez, Danielle

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Ouimet, Chelsea Cohen
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Student Directors: Danielle Hicks, Justine Jeninga, Brittany Richardson

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Design/Conceptualization:- Carissa Cadogan, Alison Butler, Justin
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Fullerton, Karli Getchel, Josephine Havers, Sean Lobb, Jhuanna

Mendoza, Veronika Mohr, Adiel Mora, Kirstie Parro, Rachel Rice,
Gina Steward, Brittney Watkins, Arrie Wilson

Editing/Proofreading: Bill and Ellen Kiley

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 BAGGAGE

BAGGAGE
by
Christian Kiley

(As the lights come up, there are a number of people anxiously
waiting for the CHECKER, who is concentrating on folding and
manipulating a piece of paper.)

GUESS #1: If you don’t mind, some of us have been waiting here an
exorbitant amount of time.
GUESS #2: Yes, how very well said.
CHECKER: Hold on, hold on, I’ve almost got it.
GUESS #2: This is egregious.
GUESS #1: True, but perhaps we should simply say outrageous.

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CHECKER: Oh, calm down, Thurston Thesaurus.
GUESS #1: Excuse me?
CHECKER: If “excuse me” is the most feared weapon in your linguistic

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arsenal, I would stick to games like hangman, my little poppycock.
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GUESS #2: Well, I don’t much like the sound of that.

GUESS #1: Nor I.
CHECKER: Tell me. . .what does this look like? (holds up a mangled
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piece of paper)
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GUESS #2: I wasn’t aware that Van Gogh worked in papier-mâché.

GUESS #1: Game point, you. Marvelously played, darling.
CHECKER: It is supposed to be an egret.
TOTE: Can we please move this along?
CHECKER: Fine, fine. This is a high-pressure job, and I serve you
better when my Ti Chi is balanced, and I don’t have bipolarized
serotonin levels.
GYM: Call a freakin’ number already.
CHECKER: B7. B7.
GYM: There are no letters on these tickets. Quit messing around.
CHECKER: Sorry, I am a bingo caller at the senior center on weekends.
GUESS #1: Another peon striving for mediocrity.
GUESS #2: Oh my dear, you are truly scandalous.
MESSENGER: Some of us have serious work to tend to.
DIAPER: Yes. Please call a number.
CHECKER: Yes, yes. Call a number, scan the bar code, punch, click,
roll, stamp, validate, update, upgrade, give me the current exchange
rate, exchange this for me, but I don’t have a receipt, and do it now
and with a smile. I see how it is. And that is how it is. (looks at a
device hanging around her/his neck) Number seven.
GUESS #1: Oh, good. That’s me.
(Both GUESS #1 and #2 move toward the counter)

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 BY CHRISTIAN KILEY

CHECKER: ‘Fraid not.

GUESS #1: Excuse me?
CHECKER: One customer at a time, please.
GUESS #2: But we always go together. See the coordination?
Everything matches.
CHECKER: Ah, yes. A strained superficial attempt to salvage a soulless
relationship. In the voucher that you purchased, there was an
agreement which you signed. I will refer you to page eleven, article
nineteen; there is an amendment to subsection D that says, and I
quote, “no tandem checking will be permitted at any time.”
GUESS #1: Couldn’t you make an exception?
CHECKER: Number seven. Last call.
GUESS #1: I’ll wait for you on the other side.
GUESS #2: Just let the next person go, and we can wait together.

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(GUESS #1 places his bag on the table)
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GUESS #1: It’ll be faster this way.

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CHECKER: Please step back.
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GUESS #1: Why, I’m just-

CHECKER: Sir, I will not ask you again.
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(GUESS #1 takes a step back. CHECKER places gloves on hands
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and opens the bag of GUESS #1 and begins to search the items in
the bag.)

GUESS #1: Is this absolutely necessary?

CHECKER: Absolutely.
GUESS #1: Are you nearly finished?
CHECKER: Nearly. You’re an Armani man. Wow. This is quite a haul.
You’ve got the equivalent of a small country’s gross domestic
product in here. Hey, dress well or feed hundreds of people. I get it.
Silk blend trumps boiled rice every time.
GUESS #1: That’s quite enough.
CHECKER: Yeah, yeah. Save your curtseys and excuse-mes for the
concierge. (finding a journal) What have we here? A diary
. . .sorry, journal, or day planner. . .or. . .or perhaps. . .could it be? A
book of secrets. (GUESS #1 lunges for the book) I’ll take that as a
yes.

(GUESS #2 steps forward)

CHECKER: I’m taking it you’ve never seen this before.
GUESS #2: No.
GUESS #1: It’s work related.
CHECKER: Maybe so. And it’s no sin to work a little on vacation. But is
it a sin to vacation a little at work? Shall we read a selection? Yes.

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 BAGGAGE

(thumbing through the journal) I think we shall. “I can not live

another day with this coordinated lie. It is stifling me, choking me, I
can’t do this anymore. Help. Get me out of here.”
GUESS #1: I never wrote that.

(CHECKER closes the bag and sets it on the other side of the table.)

CHECKER: You are clear to go. But I will be keeping this (holding onto
the book) Number eight.
TOTE: Yes. Here. (hands over her bag)
CHECKER: So eager. And after what you just witnessed? Strange.
TOTE: Just do your job.
CHECKER: Oh, don’t you worry, not one bit. I will. (Checker looks
through Tote’s bag) A lot of makeup. Either you’re a supermodel or
a clown. Are you the bearded lady or a refined circus freak like one

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of them Cirque de Soleil clowns? But they don’t like to be called that
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I imagine. Not a lot of run-of-the-mill clowns that can twist into a
pretzel while singing Les Miserable and flambéing pheasant from a

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flaming chandelier. You can’t do that? Can you Clownie? Can you?
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(finds something) Look. Candy? Vitamins? Drugs. Are you a pill-

popper Clownie?
TOTE: My name is Tote.
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CHECKER: (holding up a pill bottle) Are you addicted to
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pharmaceuticals, Clownie?
GYM: Why don’t you lay off her, you self-important bellhop!
CHECKER: What was that?
GYM: You’re a step below a valet, you degenerate baggage handler.
CHECKER: Does a valet get to fondle your innermost secrets?
GYM: A sick pervert does.
CHECKER: Ah! No! I’m wounded! The truth, it stings. . .it hurts. . .it
reminds me why I escaped the condemnation of the real world.
Page nine, article sixteen states, “slurs and slander directed toward
the checker will result in a spot search of all baggage and
confiscation of any suspicious items”. Clownie, I’ll be keeping these
pills. You may proceed. (waving her through) Hero-boy, bring
your jock bag over here.
GYM: I am not next. I am ten.
CHECKER: Article sixteen.
GYM: No.
CHECKER: Stubborn. Such a wonderful secondary quality to
complement your primary quality of stupidity.
GYM: You should be fired.
CHECKER: Good! Please fill out a comment card. Regardless of how
you score me, I get a free soft serve cone at Softy Swirls for each
comment card submitted.

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 BY CHRISTIAN KILEY

(Gym starts to walk away.)

CHECKER: You’re scared. Ain’t such a tough guy after all. Gym bag
full of what? Tutus. Pink fluffy tutus. You a prima ballerina or just a
coward who can only wear the truth in private. (GYM tosses down
his bag and charges CHECKER. MESSENGER and PAIL hold
GYM back. From this point on TOTE gradually looks more and
more sick.)
CHECKER: You can take your kiwi tarts and lyrics to the best musical
ballads of all time into the bubble bath with your luffa and your
collection of Lifetime movies. But I don’t need to check your bag.
You’re not going to the other side.
GYM: Fine.
CHECKER: Number nine please.
MESSENGER: Yes, could we make it snappy, I’ve got important parcels

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to deliver.
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CHECKER: Hold on, you’re not Lord Primpington, and I’m not your loyal
butler Jeeves. Why are they always called Jeeves? I guess that’s

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so that you can just replace them and not have to go to the trouble of
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remembering another name. “Yes sir, tea for two and snappy.
Would you like it in the study, sir?”
MESSENGER: This letter is of utmost importance.
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CHECKER: Place your bag on the checking station.
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MESSENGER: Alright. (places his satchel on the table)

(CHECKER looks through the bag)

CHECKER: This looks good. . .except. . .maybe you can explain to me

why all these letters have already been opened. You’re a mail thief
. . .or do you call yourself a Bandito or one of Robin’s Merry Band of
Postal Pilferers? Ah, crime is so romantic.
MESSENGER: You can take all of those letters, destroy them for all I
care, it’s better that way. But just let me deliver this one.
CHECKER: Article twenty-three clearly stipulates that: “no item or items
may be removed and separated from any bag at any time or for any
reason without the express consent of the Checker.”
GYM: Your ego eclipses the sun.
CHECKER: If you had a V-19R, the violet one, the one in triplicate, then
maybe. . .do you?
MESSENGER: What do you think? Do you?
CHECKER: Perhaps my ego is too busy eclipsing the sun. (reaches
into the bag) I want to read a few. Come on!
MESSENGER: Please.
CHECKER: “Dear Mr. Wagner: We regret to inform you that you have
been evicted from your-”

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 BAGGAGE

(MESSENGER grabs the bag and letters spill out. He frantically

picks them up, referring to them as he goes.)

MESSENGER: You want to know who these people are? Do you? Ron
Wagner is an eighty-five year old man who is being thrown out of the
home that he was born in. Dawn Simmons has been diagnosed with
a rare form of leukemia and is being told that the painful
chemotherapy treatments have been pointless. Sally and Michael
Thompson are getting the cheerful news that the police are giving up
the search for their three-year old daughter, who was abducted while
they were buying her a chocolate chip cookie at the mall. And this
one is a letter asking a family to move out of the neighborhood they
live in because they don’t “fit in.” Everyone else in the neighborhood
has signed it, each and every time. And you know what? They keep
sending it. Bigotry, racism, and hate all can be justified with logic

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and a postage stamp. It’s amazing what forty-two cents can buy you
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these days.
CHECKER: And that one. The one in your hand.

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MESSENGER: This one you will not take from me.
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CHECKER: What are you, like Puff-The-Sugar-Plum-Florence-

Nightingale or something? You can steal as long as you parlay it
with lying?
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DIAPER: To protect people.
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CHECKER: From what? The truth? (holding onto the counter around
his neck) It will get you. Sooner or later it always does. Armani
and Clownie (referring to GUESS #1 and Tote) what are you
waiting for? You’ve passed inspection. Go! Or. . .are you waiting
for your little black book, Armani, and your drugs, Clownie?
GUESS #2: He’s waiting for me.
CHECKER: Okay, we can test that theory. Georgio. You may take
either your book of secrets or your “true” love. Decide now.
GUESS #1: Come on, darling.

(They start to exit.)

CHECKER: And one by one I will reveal your dirty little unlaundered
secrets. Not on billboards or blogs or message boards. But in an
unassuming fortune cookie after mediocre Kung Pow chicken or in
the robotic words of a telemarketer.

(Guess #2 keeps walking until she realizes that Guess #1 has stopped)

GUESS #1: I’ve made mistakes.

GUESS #2: What? What do you mean?
CHECKER: What you mean to say is how many? Who with? That spin
instructor at the gym, the bank clerk, your sister.

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 BY CHRISTIAN KILEY

(GUESS #2 also stops. They are still on opposite sides of the check
station.)

CHECKER: Anything to add? (to GYM) My piñata of rage? (to TOTE)

Clownie? What’s the prison sentence for mail fraud anyway? I’m
sure it’s a federal offence. Number Eleven.
DIAPER: Yes.

(DIAPER places her bag on the table in as unobtrusive manner as

possible. The CHECKER mirrors her actions by behaving suddenly
and ominously subdued until he springs to life and pretends his
arms are the jaws of a voracious crocodile, wrapping them around
DIAPER. She recoils in fear. The CHECKER laughs and
celebrates.)

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DIAPER: I just really need to get through.
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CHECKER: You do. I can feel it.
GYM: Quit taunting her, you jackal.

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CHECKER: No, but I think you just gave me the name for the company
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softball team. The Distempered Jackals. (CHECKER begins

searching DIAPER’S bag) Well, well, what a delight, no surprises
here. Diaper bag, diapers, diaper cream, formula, toys. But hold on.
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Where is she? It is a she, right? Where is your daughter? Where is
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she?
DIAPER: With the sitter.
CHECKER: Then you would have left the bag with the sitter.
DIAPER: At home, I just had to run out to-
CHECKER: No. You would have brought your purse instead.
DIAPER: (calling out and looking frantically) Casey! Casey!
CHECKER: Is she lost? I can call security. Casey! Casey!

(PAIL moves toward DIAPER and opens her lunchbox. She takes
out a sandwich and offers half to DIAPER, who takes it. She opens
her thermos and pours DIAPER a cup of juice. PAIL tenderly
strokes DIAPER’S hair.)

DIAPER: (looking straight out) When I saw you for the first time it was
a cloudy day, and I shivered with acknowledgement, for I knew that
although you could not speak, we had met before on a cloudy day.

(TOTE moves center stage looking pale and sick.)

TOTE: I need my pills.

CHECKER: You’ll simply need to fill out a D32-R or item retrieval form.
TOTE: I don’t think I have that long.
CHECKER: Well, there is really nothing I can do then.

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 BAGGAGE

(TOTE starts to double over in pain. The others move in closer

except for CHECKER, who is watching from the checking station.
As this sequence slowly plays out, CHECKER moves gradually
away from the station.)

GYM: I’ll give you my anger, CHECKER. . .for her pills.

(GYM places his bag at CHECKER’S feet.)

CHECKER: Turns out there’s more than just a rage and testosterone
cocktail in you after all. Not enough.
GUESS #2: I’ll give you my broken dreams. Though I will tell you all the
clothes are designer knock-offs.(places her bag at TOTE’S feet.)
GUESS #1: Muffin.

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GUESS #2: Oh, who needs two copies of GQ each month?
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GUESS #1: Me. We’ve talked about this. One for reading and one for
display. (looks around, then somewhat reluctantly) I’ll give up

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my bag.
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CHECKER: Article three clearly stipulates that “those who have checked
out may not-“
GUESS #1: And my lies. . .you can do what you want with them.
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MESSENGER: And my mistakes. (MESSENGER then takes letters
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and returns them to their rightful owners, giving one letter to

each person. The last letter is given to TOTE.) Here.

DIAPER: And my past. . . .

(PAIL places her lunchbox at TOTE’S feet.)

CHECKER: Well, well.

(CHECKER crosses to TOTE and hands her the pill bottle.)

CHECKER: Final call for departures from delusion, anger, guilt, isolation,
deception, regret . . .(he turns, removes the small clicker that is
hanging around his neck, holds it for a moment) and control.

(CHECKER places the clicker in TOTE’S hand and crosses to the

upstage door labeled “Control”)

(TOTE takes her pill bottle and the clicker, and slowly makes her
way to the checker station. She carefully places the baggage under
the checking station, sets her pill bottle on top, tries to ignore it,
fails. Ferociously opens pill bottle, swallows a pill without liquid.
Sets bottle back down carefully, keeping it close within her reach,
as another group of travelers enters the station. TOTE takes a deep

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 BY CHRISTIAN KILEY

breath, realizes her new found control and power, grabs clicker,
clicks, scans number, looks up and with a very superficial,
customer service smile, calls out...)

TOTE: Number 13!?

(A new group of people enter. Like the last group, they have bags
to be checked. They stop and stand in a makeshift, serpentine line.
A member of the new group, NUMBER 13, begins approaching the
station as lights fade to black. The cycle continues, this time with a
new CHECKER.)

END OF PLAY

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 BAGGAGE

Props

2 matching, rolling suitcases (GUESS #1 and GUESS #2)

Clothing for both suitcases
Journal with several written entries (Guess #1)
Expensive (looking) purse
Cosmetics and makeup
Pill bottle
Gym bag
Miscellaneous athletic clothing
Shoulder bag (messenger style)
Letters (some opened, some unopened)
Diaper bag
Baby supplies (diapers, powder, cream, etc.)
Children’s lunch box

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Child’s thermos and sandwich
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Paper (for Checker to play with)
A counter (digital stopwatch or similar) that can be worn around

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Checker’s neck
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Bags for the extras (so that it appears that the cycle will repeat itself)
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 CHRISTIAN KILEY
Christian Kiley is a Theatre Arts teacher at Etiwanda
High School (Rancho Cucamonga, CA). Christian
received an M.F.A. from California State Fullerton and
a B.A. from Gonzaga University, both in Theatre Arts.
He is thankful for his family, friends, and students
who support him in his writing experiments.
Playwright website: home.earthlink.net~cmkiley
Baggage
by Christian Kiley
Type: One Act Play
Genre: Comedy-Drama
Duration: 20 minutes
Cast: 3 females, 2 males, 3 either, 8 total cast, 8 extras

So you want to get away and forget your troubles, do you? Not so fast! Checker
will make sure you have nothing to hide. Any weakness or secret will be exposed.
Checker is a special kind of bully who finds the dark corners in people’s lives and
brings them to the surface. Will these travelers be able to face their dark secrets
and overcome them? Or is some baggage just too heavy, too cumbersome to car-
ry?

ISBN: 978-1-60003-292-9