Extrordinary Monsters

THE
EXTRAORDINARY
LEAGUE OF HORRIBLE
MONSTERS
by
Christopher Burruto
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THE EXTRAORDINARY LEAGUE OF
HORRIBLE MONSTERS
By Christopher Burruto
Copyright © MMXIV by Christopher Burruto, All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61588-405-6
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Convention.
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THE EXTRAORDINARY LEAGUE
2 OF HORRIBLE MONSTERS
OF HORRIBLE MONSTERS
SYNOPSIS: The Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters is a work of

fiction. Really. We all know monsters don’t exist. Right? But maybe... just
maybe... when the lights go out, and the storm rages, and you forget to look
under your bed, or check the closet... there might be something lurking or
shuffling or shambling toward you…. Any resemblance to persons or
monsters you may know are merely coincidental. Promise.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
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(6 females, 2 males, 9-11 either, extras)
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ZOG (f/m) ..................................................... Judge for the Extraordinary
r League of Horrible Monsters.
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Like Simon Cowell. Only

meaner. (43 lines)
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SINISTERIA (f/m) ........................................ Judge for the Extraordinary

League of Horrible Monsters.
Like Simon Cowell. Only
meaner. (41 lines)
PENNY (f) .................................................... A human girl adopted by the
monsters. She grows up
believing she is a monster and
wants one day to audition for
the Extraordinary League of
Horrible Monsters. (42 lines)
FAMILY OF MONSTERS:
TASHA (f) .................................................... A 900-year-old vampiress, and
leader of the monsters. She has
a secret past. (63 lines)
HUMPHREY (f/m) ....................................... His hump keeps moving
around. Sometimes it’s lost for
good. (24 lines)
CHRISTOPHER BURRUTO 3
INVISIBLE (f/m) .......................................... Wears glow-in-the-dark clothes.
Lit up like a Christmas tree.
(21 lines)
VERONICA ZOMBIE (f) ............................. Cute vegan. She develops a
crush on Howie. (46 lines)
WOLF GIRL (f) ............................................ More Hello Kitty than fierce
werewolf. A human edition of
an Anime character. (34 lines)
MURRAY THE GHOST (f/m) ..................... Scaredy ghost. (30 lines)
MUMMY (f/m) ............................................. Very clumsy, wrapped in Ace
bandages. (40 lines)
THING (f/m) ................................................. Wears a bag over his head.
rm fo l What is it? No one really

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knows. (19 lines)
FRANKIE (f/m) ............................................ Reanimated corpse—
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r Frankenstein like. Relieves his
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stress by sucking his thumb or

using an oversized binky.
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person. Suffers from stage

fright. (26 lines)
ABOMINABLE (f/m) ................................... An abominable snow monster.
Timid and shy. Loves to mime.
(32 lines)
TEENS:
STU (m) ........................................................ The dumbest teenage boy who
ever lived. (89 lines)
HOWIE (m) .................................................. The second dumbest teenage
boy who ever lived. (96 lines)
MOLLY (f) ................................................... Dry, sarcastic sense of humor.
(87 lines)
SHERRY (f) .................................................. Second only to Molly in
sarcasm, see above. (71 lines)
AUDITIONING MONSTERS:
VAMPIRE (f/m) ........................................... Auditioning monster. (2 lines)
LACTOSE (f/m) ........................................... Auditioning monster. (3 lines)
EXTRAS:
MONSTERS (m/f) ........................................ (Non-speaking)
STUDENT (m/f) ........................................... Optional. (Non-speaking)
Note: The Voice Over in Act One, Scene 1 has one line and could be pre-
recorded or read live by any one of the teens or extras.
DURATION: 90 minutes
TIME: Right now.
SETTING: When the lights go out, and the storm rages, and you forget to
look under your bed, check the closet or charge your phone... there might be
something lurking, shuffling or shambling toward you... you are here!
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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
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ACT ONE r
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SCENE 1: Auditions
SCENE 2: Monster Mansion
SCENE 3:
an Monster Mansion (sixteen years later)
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SCENE 4: Bench at School

SCENE 6: Car
SCENE 8: The Moors, Monster Mansion Front Door
INTERMISSION
ACT TWO
SCENE 2: Dungeon
SCENE 4: Penny's Room
SCENE 5: Dungeon
SCENE 7: Car
SCENE 8: Auditions
SETTING
For the audition scenes, two chairs upon which the judges sit would work.
The monster mansion includes a couch, chairs, a coffee table and a fake
fireplace. All of the furniture in the monster mansion should be old, worn,
and spider webby. The car scene is created with a series of benches one in
front of the other. The steering wheel is simply a circle with appropriate cut-
outs. Penny’s room could be suggested by a side table, bean bag chair and/or
desk. There should be a framed photo in her room. The dungeon could be a
dark, bare stage. With the right lighting, the dungeon can be implied rather
than explicit.
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The roles of VAMPIRE and LACTOSE could be cut if necessary. If you
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decide to cut these roles, open Act Two, Scene 8 with the line:
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SINISTERIA: Next! Or, you could have some fun with these two roles and
cast two teachers or local celebrities into the roles. Another option is to have
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two of the teenagers double as VAMPIRE and LACTOSE as long as their
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alien costumes are not too intricate.
COSTUMES
WOLF GIRL is dressed like a human version of Hello Kitty.

ZOMBIE wears tattered hippy clothes.
MURRAY THE GHOST wears billowing sheets.
INVISIBLE is lit up like a Christmas tree, perhaps wearing sequins, and
light up Christmas tree lights.
In Act One, Scene 3, PENNY wears a black cape.
MUMMY is wrapped in Ace bandages.
SHERRY and MOLLY should wear watches.
In ACT ONE, SCENE 6, the TEENAGERS wear various alien costumes.

They wear them again in ACT TWO, SCENE 8.
PROPS
□ Paper bag
□ Cell phones
□ Baby carriage with baby doll
□ Pink blanket
□ Note
□ Crosses and garlic
□ Cake
□ Suitcase
□ Note/Pen
□ Lantern
□
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School timer-type bell or bell
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SOUND EFFECTS
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Big, clanging, booming knock

Faint baby cry

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Baby cooing
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Burp
Thunder
Thud
Wolves and monsters
Loud, creaky door
Door opening
Creaking door
MUSIC
This play contains suggestions for the performance of a musical work (either
in part or in whole). Heuer Publishing LLC has not obtained performing
rights of these works. The direction of such works is only a playwright's
suggestion, and the play producer should obtain such permissions on their
own through ASCAP, BMI or the U.S. copyright office.
ACT ONE, SCENE 1
AUDITIONS
AT START: Stage is dark. INVISIBLE, ZOMBIE, WOLF GIRL,

GHOST, THING, FRANKIE and ABOMINABLE stand in a row. They
are arranged across the entire stage. When they are called, they take
a step forward to “audition.” ZOG and SINISTERIA sit at stage left or
right.
VOICE OVER:
The full moon gives off a ghastly light,
A beacon for the creatures of the night.
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From their crypts dark and deep,
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The Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters creep.
Arise dark forces!
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Disembodied voices!
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And spectral corpses!

‘Tis now the season,
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For scares beyond REASON!
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Welcome all ghouls, zombies and ghosts to the semi bi-annual

auditions for the Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters!
MONSTERS onstage applaud. Lights rise.
ZOG: Welcome monsters, one and all! I am Zog the Horrific!

SINISTERIA: And I am Sinisteria.
ZOG: And together, we welcome you to audition for the Extraordinary
League of Horrible Monsters. We know you’re excited––
MONSTERS look at one another, excitement on their faces.
SINISTERIA: ––but, don’t be nervous! We’re sure you’ll all be simply

(Pause.) Horrible! OK, let’s get started!
MONSTERS cheer. WOLF GIRL steps forward.
ZOG: And you are?

WOLF GIRL: Hello! I’m a lycanthrope humanus.
SINISTERIA: (Confused.) I’m not familiar with that term...
WOLF GIRL: Sorry. A werewolf. I’m a super duper scary werewolf!
ZOG: (Pause.) How old are you wolf girl?
WOLF GIRL: Three hundred twenty-nine. (Forced laugh.) That’s dog
years! Not people years. (Makes a funny, snorty laugh. She goes
on a little too long.)
ZOG: Whenever you’re ready.
WOLF GIRL scratches herself like a dog and then prepares herself
for a howl.
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WOLF GIRL: (Rears back, pitiful.) Meow. Meow. Meowwwwww!
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ZOG: (Pause. Disappointed.) Oh. (Looks at SINISTERIA.) That was
a surprise...
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WOLF GIRL: Too scary? I can bring it down a notch if you’d like.
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SINISTERIA: (Annoyed and disappointed. A little mean.) Too much

Hello Kitty... not enough wolf. Next!
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WOLF GIRL scurries back to the line yowling like a puppy or kitty.
INVISIBLE steps forward.
SINISTERIA: And you are?

INVISIBLE: My friends call me See-Through-Me-Oh ‘cause I’m just
almost-nearly-mostly invisible! Get it? See-Through-Me-Oh...
“These are not the droids you’re looking for...” (Short laugh.)
SINISTERIA: That’s not funny.
ZOG: Just sad and pathetic!
SINISTERIA: (Pause.) You are not the monster we’re looking for...
Pause.
INVISIBLE: (Weeping.) You know what’s visible now? My shame

and humiliation! (Returns to line up weeping.)
SINISTERIA: Next!
ZOMBIE: (Steps forward.) Zombie! In. The. House! Whoop-whoop!
Do I hear a hey!
SINISTERIA: Ah! A reanimated corpse with a hunger for human flesh
and love for hip hop?! Now we’re talking!
ZOMBIE: Um... about the human flesh thing. I’m a practicing vegan.
ZOG and SINISTERIA: A what?
ZOMBIE: No brains. No flesh. The occasional squirrel. (Pause.) For
those special occasions.
WOLF GIRL pops head in and out.
WOLF GIRL: Somebody say squirrel?

ZOG: You’re a… “vegetarian”?
ZOMBIE: (Holds up hand to explain.) Vegan. (Pause.) There seems
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to be a lot of confusion around the two terms... you see, we
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vegans don’t––
ZOG: (Cutting her off, irritated.) Enough! We want zombies who
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chase people.
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SINISTERIA: Fast.
ZOG: Catch them.
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SINISTERIA: Quick.
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ZOG: Then eat them!

SINISTERIA: Raw.
ZOG: Easy-peasy-bloody squeegee.
SINISTERIA: That’s what zombies do! Next!
ZOMBIE quickly returns to line. GHOST steps forward, sheets

billowing.
GHOST: (Arms wide/haunting.) My name is Murray. Six hundred

years deceased... (Turns, emits a ghostly “Ooooohhh” because
he’s scared.) Member of the Order of the Undead, Poltergeist,
Fourth Class –– (Turns, frightened.) Spectre of the Year eight
years in a row. (Gulps—terrified.) I’m versed in hauntings,
spookings, mischief, phantasms––(Freezes. Scared. Sputters.) D-
d-d-did you––did you hear that?
SINISTERIA: Hear what?
GHOST: (Scared.) There it is again. Wait… (Really frightened, looks
down.) I wet my pants… (Shrieks and runs off stage.)
FRANKIE is next, timid and scared, he is pushed forward by the other
monsters. FRANKIE stands unmoving, like a deer frozen in
headlights. He breathes into a paper bag because he’s so nervous.
ZOG: Next!
WOLF GIRL: Frankie, go ahead.
FRANKIE: Frankie can’t.
WOLF GIRL: You can! You’ve got to! We’re all counting on you!
THING gently pets FRANKIE'S head.
ZOMBIE: You’ll be fine buddy. Find your happy place. Your happy
place!
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THING gently pushes FRANKIE to the line.
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SINISTERIA: (Eager.) Reanimated corpse. Classic!

ZOG: Name?
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There is a pause. FRANKIE has serious stage fright.
FRANKIE: Uhh… uh… um...

INVISIBLE: (Encouraging.) Frankie! Your name is Frankie!
FRANKIE: (Scared.) Ahhhgghghg... (Turns around, shy.)
SINISTERIA: (Turning to ZOG.) He’s a bit monosyllabic isn’t he.
(Like to a child.) Why. Are. You. Here?
FRANKIE: (Scared.) Why anyone here? Universe big. Huuuuuuge.
(Pause.). Cold. Impersonal. (Puts his thumb in his mouth and
begins to suck it and rock back and forth.)
ZOG: He’s a thumb sucker?!
SINISTERIA: We don’t’ take thumb-sucking monsters!
WOLF GIRL gathers FRANKIE and crosses back to the line.

ABOMINABLE steps forward.
ABOMINABLE: (Confident.) Awesome to see you, my most
excellent judges! I am the Abominable! In my free time, I like to
juggle, write poetry, and... mime. This is called: Monster in a Box!
(Begins to mime.)
SINISTERIA: Mimes. Aren’t. Scary.
ZOG: (Mocking.) They’re just–– (Pause.) like totally annoying.
ABOMINABLE hangs his head in disappointment and shame.
ZOG: (Pause.) Anyone else? (Pause.) No? I think... we’ve made a

decision. Will all monsters present themselves?
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INVISIBLE, ZOMBIE, WOLF GIRL, GHOST, and FRANKIE gather
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center stage with ABOMINABLE, their arms around one another.
They’re hopeful, like actors before an audition.
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ZOG: Gotta be honest, we‘re not looking for mimes––

SINISTERIA: ––or thumb-suckers––
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ZOG: (Sighing.) We’re looking for monsters who are “Retail Ready.”
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Ready to scare on day one!

SINISTERIA: (Pause.) Unfortunately, your applications to the
Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters have been... denied!
An audible sigh of disappointment comes from the group.
WOLF GIRL: (Pleading.) But... but we’ve been waiting for... for such
a long time!
ZOMBIE: Every year it’s the same story––we try. Then denied.
ABOMINABLE: We’ve been so patient and nice––
ZOG: See, that’s your problem! Monsters aren’t supposed to be nice!
Auditioning MONSTERS murmur variations of the following: “Not

supposed to be nice?” “What’s he talking about...?” “Write that down!”
“Take notes: Not supposed to be nice!”
SINISTERIA: Monsters are scary. And horrible!! News flash: none of

you is slightly scary! Not one of you!
Pause. Auditioning MONSTERS begin to cry. Slowly at first, then full-
bore sobbing.
ZOG: Really? We’re doing this?!

SINISTERIA: Monsters don’t cry! There’s no crying in the
Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters! You stop that!
ZOG: Leave! Get out!
SINISTERIA: And don’t come back!
The last line elicits a greater bout of crying. Auditioning MONSTERS

nod. They stifle their cries, only to let out an even bigger one.
Auditioning MONSTERS, as a group, still crying, shuffle slowly
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offstage together, as lights fade down.
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r ACT ONE, SCENE 2
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MONSTER MANSION
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AT START: Lights up slowly. The auditioning MONSTERS sit
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dejectedly on couch and chairs, they sigh collectively as one: a

heavy, sad sigh of dejection and humiliation. TASHA and
HUMPHREY enter.
TASHA: (Sensing disappointment.) How’d it go?

THING: Denied.
ABOMINABLE: Denied! Then cried!
TASHA: (Sighs. Sympathetic.) You cried?
HUMPHREY: In front of the judges?
GHOST: We always cry in front of the judges.
ZOMBIE: (Depressed.) Another failed audition for the Extraordinary
League of Horrible Monsters!
WOLF GIRL: Next time, Frankie––and this is just a suggestion––
don’t suck your thumb. It’s for amateurs.
MUMMY: Little known fact: Thumb suckers are not scary...
FRANKIE: (Still a little upset.) Frankie had to! Binky was M.I.A.!
ABOMINABLE: We couldn’t even scare a baby!
GHOST: (Screams in fright.) Where? (Crosses himself.)
TASHA: Murray, please stop doing that. That (Crosses herself.)
gives all of us vampires heartburn.
GHOST: Sorry, Tasha.
MUMMY: We might as well face it: we’re just a group of terribly nice
monsters!
HUMPHREY: We’re horrible, horrible monsters.
ZOMBIE: We suck at scary.
FRANKIE: Horrible. Misfit. Monsters. Frankie sad. Dead inside.
ALL dispiritedly sigh.
MUMMY: And this monster—I don’t mind tellin’ ya––has a super bad
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wedgie right now... (Pulls on wedgie.)
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GHOST: We’ll never get into the Extraordinary League of Horrible
Monsters!
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ABOMINABLE: Maybe it’s time we gave up!
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HUMPHREY: Give up? Nonsense! Nobody’s giving up. We just

need to try harder, that’s all.
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TASHA: (Pause.) Your time will come. Don’t lose hope! Did Frankie
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give up when he lost his leg last year? And we had to sew it back
on? No… he didn’t.
FRANKIE: Frankie no like stitches.
TASHA: How about when Humphrey kept losing his hump? Did we
give up before we found it?
HUMPHREY: Right, Tasha! Did Washington give up? Before he
crossed the mighty Mississippi? Huh?
ALL MONSTERS: (Except HUMPHREY. Confused.) Huh?
WOLF GIRL: Yeah…! Did Jonas Salk give up before he discovered
the vaccine for Botox!
ABOMINABLE: Did Al Gore give up? Before he invented a little thing
called Global Warming?
All MONSTERS ad-lib “No!”
MUMMY: So we’re not giving up either!

ALL MONSTERS: Right!
GHOST: And we’re never going to be afraid to be who we are! We’ll
never be afraid again!
SFX: Big clanging, booming knock at the door.
ALL MONSTERS: (Startled. Ominously.) The door!

HUMPHREY: No one’s knocked on the door for 1000 years!
ZOMBIE: Wait! What about last year?
MONSTERS draw their breath in fright.
TASHA: Zombie, best not bring it up!

HUMPHREY: Who came to the door?
ZOMBIE: Girl Scouts...
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MONSTERS become frightened.
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WOLF GIRL: Selling... cookies!
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INVISIBLE: They were green!

TASHA: The cookies?
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ZOMBIE: The uniforms!
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MUMMY: They bullied and pestered us... until... no, no, I can’t...
HUMPHREY: Until what?
WOLF GIRL: Until we bought all the cookies!
FRANKIE: Nine thousand.
HUMPHREY: Nine thousand cookies?!
GHOST: Nine thousand boxes!
INVISIBLE: And then... we ate them!
HUMPHREY: (Astonished.) You ate the Girl Scouts?!!
FRANKIE: (A little ashamed.) Cookies!
MUMMY: In one sitting...
WOLF GIRL: Well... those cookies weren’t going to eat themselves!
GHOST: (Wistful.) The Thin Mints. Were to die for!
ALL MONSTERS: (Sighing in happy remembrance.) Thin Mints!
SFX: Another big clanging, booming knock at the door.
ABOMINABLE: There it is again!

TASHA: We’ll go together. All of us!
ALL MONSTERS gather in a tight group and shuffle off stage. If
utilizing a curtain, the curtain closes. Lights down. After curtain is
closed, the lights go up and there is an old-fashioned baby carriage
center stage. Optional front door of the mansion is behind the baby
carriage. MONSTERS enter and shuffle tightly over to it. They
examine the carriage; they don’t notice the baby inside. ALL
MONSTERS ad-lib: “What is it?” “Is it a car?” “A giraffe?” “It’s so
strange!” SFX: Faint baby cry. ALL MONSTERS look at one another.
GHOST: What was that?
ALL MONSTERS ad-lib: “Yeah, what was that?”. SFX: Baby cry.
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ALL MONSTERS back away and fall over one another, terrified.
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SFX: More baby cries. ALL MONSTERS slowly approach to look
down into the carriage. This time, MONSTERS look down. MUMMY
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lifts out a pink blanket.
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ALL MONSTERS: Woah...

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HUMPHREY: What is it?
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ABOMINABLE: It’s the ugliest blanket I’ve ever seen!

INVISIBLE: Look! A note.
ZOMBIE: (Holding note and reading aloud.) Ix Na Bobble Q Horsen
Feffer Ix Nop. This makes no sense at all!
MUMMY turns letter right-side up.
ZOMBIE: Thanks... it says, “Please take good care of baby Penny.”

ABOMINABLE: They’re making baby pennies? What a waste!
WOLF GIRL: Yeah! Like, where can you spend baby pennies?
ALL MONSTERS (except TASHA) in tacit agreement.
TASHA: (Flatly.) Penny is the human’s name...

ALL MONSTERS: (Except TASHA.) Ohhhhhh...
ABOMINABLE: What do we do with it?
HUMPHREY: (Brightly.) If we each take a small nibble, there should
be enough––
ZOMBIE: Ewwww. I don’t eat human.
GHOST: Right, Vegeterian.
ZOMBIE: Vegan!
FRANKIE: (Pause.) Baby… cute…
ALL MONSTERS respond, ad-lib, reluctantly. "Yeah…" "Kind of..."

"Sort of…" "If you say so…"
GHOST: (Looking intently.) Cute in a revolting, Winston Churchill

kind of way.
SFX: BABY cooing.
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ALL MONSTERS: (Melting in cuteness.) Awww...
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FRANKIE: We. Keep. Baby? Tasha?
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ALL MONSTERS (except TASHA.) ad-lib. "Huh? Keep it?" (Like little
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kids.) "Can we? Can we? Are we allowed? Please?"

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TASHA: (Clearing throat.) Everybody? (Pause.) You understand that
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it’s against Monster Bylaws to harbor, hide, or fraternize with all

humans...
ALL MONSTERS (except TASHA.) ad-lib. both surprise and

ignorance. "Really? I didn’t know that..."
TASHA: And, if we’re discovered... by the Extraordinary League of

Horrible Monsters... we’ll be exiled. Forever...
There’s a pause. MONSTERS register their disappointment.
ALL MONSTERS: (Except TASHA.) Ohhhhh...

TASHA: Which is why (Pause.) we’re going to keep it a secret!
ALL MONSTERS (except TASHA.) ad-lib. "A secret? Yeah..." "Yeah,

that’s a good idea..."
FRANKIE: Baby. Penny. (Looking down.)

TASHA: You’re going to like living with us!
SFX: We hear the baby burp loudly.
WOLF GIRL: Did you hear that? That was soooo AWESOME!
ALL MONSTERS ad-lib until lights down. SFX: Thunder
TASHA: Come on, let’s get her inside, there’s a storm brewing...
Lights out.
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MONSTER MANSION
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AT START: Sixteen years have passed. PENNY, dressed as a
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VAMPIRE, practices her scares. This is fun and light. The MONSTER
FAMILY is on stage: some seated, some standing.
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TASHA: OK Penny! Hood up! Cloak out! And let me hear it! Loud
and proud!
PENNY: (Tentative.) I want to suck your blood!
FRANKIE: (Shaking head.) Penny. Not. In. Character.
WOLF GIRL: (Laughing.) Like you mean it, Penny!
HUMPHREY: Like you’re super. Hangry!
ZOMBIE: ‘Cause you haven’t eaten iron-rich spinach in centuries.
ALL MONSTERS stop and glare at ZOMBIE.
ALL MONSTERS: (Except ZOMBIE.) Spinach?

ZOMBIE: (Pointing to self.) Vegan. Remember?
PENNY: (More assertive, but having fun.) OK. Here goes: I want to
suck your blood!
MONSTERS who are watching, nudge one another and smile.
MUMMY: Ooo. That gave me chills!

TASHA: Now, Penny, what do you do if someone gives you counter
spells? (To MONSTERS.) Everyone! Garlic and crosses at the
ready! And... (Points to PENNY.) go!
PENNY: I want to suck your blood!
TASHA: And… present.
MONSTERS show crosses and garlic. PENNY goes into pretend

convulsions.
PENNY: I’m melting... melting... melting!
PENNY laughs all the way to the ground. ALL laugh. They LOVE
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PENNY, and she loves them.
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TASHA: Everyone! Places! Time for scares! Abominable?
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MONSTERS cheer, then line up (including PENNY), ready to practice

scares. ABOMINABLE leads them.
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ABOMINABLE: Let’s begin with some monster basics, shall we?

Let’s start with G and G! The grimace and growl! On three! One,
two––
INVISIBLE: Wait, wait, wait. Is it on three or after two?
ABOMINABLE: On three! Ready one, two aaaaand grimace!
MONSTERS grimace and growl.
ABOMINABLE: And growl!
They all growl menacingly.
TASHA: Oooh! Amazing... good work, people. I mean monsters!

ABOMINABLE: Alright... let’s work on menacing!
MONSTERS ready themselves.
ABOMINABLE: And go!

MONSTERS squinch up their noses, look menacing, and growl.
ABOMINABLE: Great! And now, let’s moan!
MONSTERS let out plaintive ghost-like wails...
ABOMINABLE: Let’s finish with a howl! (Pause.) One, two and howl!
ALL howl.
ABOMINABLE: Excellent! Now for the speed part!
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When TASHA calls out the following prompts, the MONSTERS
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instantly obey.
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TASHA: Howl! Moan! Menace! Grimace! Howl! Excellent! Great job
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everyone...
PENNY: Hey Wolf Girl! I hear there’s a full moon tonight!
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WOLF GIRL: (Excited.) Really?
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PENNY skips to WOLF GIRL and they both howl and scratch
themselves. MONSTERS join in. ALL laugh.
TASHA: (Pause. Kind, but stern, like a teacher clearing throat.) Uh, I
hate to break up this little party, but (Meaning PENNY.) doesn’t a
certain somebody have some homework to finish?
PENNY: Aww. We were having so much fun! Weren’t we?
MONSTERS agree, disappointed.
TASHA: Everyone, you can practice your scares after you finish your
homework. (Looks around.) Right? Everyone?
MONSTERS mumble unenthusiastically.
PENNY: (A little disappointed.) OK... (Begins to exit.)

HUMPHREY: Wait! Wait! Uh, Tasha, don’t we have that (Pause.)
thing?
THING: Thing? I’m right here! I’m not invisible...
INVISIBLE: That’s me!
WOLF GIRL: The other thing!
MONSTERS (except WOLF GIRL) ad-lib. "Oh yeah!". FRANKIE

exits.
GHOST: (Shyly.) Penny, we’ve–um–got a little surprise for you!
FRANKIE enters with a cake.
MUMMY: Everyone! Just like we practiced!
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MUMMY blows a tuning whistle. WOLF GIRL conducts. They sing
“Happy Birthday” very, very badly. It is so tone deaf and a-tonal that
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even the audience will grimace. But PENNY is touched and moved by
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their effort.
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PENNY: (Tearing up.) Everyone... that was... that was (Pause.)
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amazing!
PENNY wipes tears from her eyes.
ALL MONSTERS: (Ad-lib.) Happy Birthday Penny!

PENNY: Oh... thank you all so much! (Sighs with happiness.) I’m...
I’m the luckiest monster in the whole world!
ALL MONSTERS: Awww.
TASHA: (Aside.) If you only knew...
PENNY: (Kindly.) Huh? Knew what?
TASHA: (Covering.) How lucky we are to have you in our family!
PENNY: Aunt Tasha, everyone... now that I’ve come of age... I want
to audition for the Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters! I
want to be the best, scariest monster who ever lived! (Looks
lovingly at the monsters.) Just like all of you!
MONSTERS all look at one another; they know PENNY is human.

TASHA: Penny… (Pause. Looks around, serious now.) Now might
be the time to talk about some things––
FRANKIE: Ack! (Puts thumb in mouth and then puts in the other.)
THING: Here we go, it’s the end of the world.
TASHA: (Puts her hand on PENNY’S head affectionately.) I’m sure
that with just a little more practice, you’ll be a perfectly gruesome
monster! (Avoiding the subject.) Who wants blood orange cake?
PENNY is satisfied with this answer. TASHA joins the rest of the
MONSTERS in making a fuss over PENNY.
rm fo l ACT ONE, SCENE 4

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BENCH AT SCHOOL
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AT START: Could be played in front of curtain. MOLLY and
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SHERRY sit or stand around benches. STUDENT EXTRAS walk by.

HOWIE enters, looking for the girls.
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HOWIE: Molly! Sherry! You guys seen Stu? I can’t believe he’s late!
MOLLY: Howie. You should know better: Stu is always late.
SHERRY: Or lost. And most likely––
MOLLY and SHERRY: (Annoyed.) Both.
STU enters walking slowly, but his attention is glued to his cell phone.
STU: (Stopping. In a reverie.) Finally! Finally! It’s here! It’s really

here!
STU stops and kisses his phone. HOWIE, SHERRY and MOLLY
gather around him.
HOWIE: Stu. Buddy. Everything OK?

SHERRY: Molly, you think that’s (The phone.) Stu’s new girlfriend?
MOLLY: Well, she’s exactly Stu’s type! Shallow. With a pixel-thin
personality.
STU: (Ignoring her taunts.) Guys! Look! (Points to phone.)
HOWIE: (Flatly.) Chance of rain twenty-five percent.
SHERRY: (Pointing.) Two-for-one special at our favorite restaurant,
the Flaming Bagel? [Or other local eatery.]
MOLLY: (Sarcastically. Flatly.) Oh. Wow. Great. A convention for
paperclip enthusiasts. (Pause.) I bought my ticket months ago.
HOWIE: (Sarcastically. Flatly.) That’s worth making out with a dirty
phone screen for.
STU: (Pointing.) This. This is the mac daddy! The big kahuna! The
sci-fi-fan-o-com!
HOWIE, MOLLY, and SHERRY are confused.
STU: The sci-fi-fan-o-com! The science fiction-horror-fantasy fan
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COM! The monster of all conventions. It’s going to be huge.
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Huuuuuge!
MOLLY: Stop that. Stop that forever.
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SHERRY: Is it a big deal or something?
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STU: A big deal? Yes! (Exasperated.) It’s just the greatest fan
convention on the entire planet! Monsters! Aliens! Superheroes
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plus... it’s only held every four years.
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MOLLY: So… it’s like the Olympics. But just for nerds.
STU: Exactly! It’s perfect!
SHERRY: (Reading.) Go as your favorite fictional character!
STU: (Pointing.) Look! Contests! And... monetary prizes! You know
how you guys are always looking for ways to make money! Here it
is!
HOWIE: Did somebody say money? Now we’re talking!
STU: Remember how we won last year’s Halloween Contest? As
aliens?
MOLLY: (Teasing him, they know full well.) Yeah, right! What was
that TV show called?
SHERRY: (Playing along.) I don’t seem to remember…
STU: (Unbelieving.) Hmph. We were aliens from––
HOWIE: The greatest science fiction TV show of all time! (To STU.)
It’s a proven scientifical fact!
STU and HOWIE: To the stars! Today! Tomorrow! Always!
STU and HOWIE do a complicated hand shake.

MOLLY: You can stop that forever, too!
SHERRY: (To STU. Curious.) You think we could actually... win?
Money?
STU: We won last year... Why not? (Pointing to phone.) Cash. Prize!
SHERRY, MOLLY and HOWIE: (Astonished. Coming around to his
way of thinking.) Cash!
SHERRY: (Wistful.) If I had more money… I could quit my stupid job
and then have time to meet some cute guys. (Rolls her eyes at the
guys. Stares off into space.)
STU and HOWIE: (Pause. They look at one another and process
the insult.) Thanks.
SHERRY: I mean––
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STU: (Insulted.) We know what you mean...
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HOWIE: Yeah. (Wistful. Eyes get wide.) Oh, oh… but you know... if I
had money, I could buy an entire lifetime supply...
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SHERRY, MOLLY and STU: (Pause.) Of what?
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HOWIE: (Pause.) Of (Breathless.) Kukimonga Ranch-Flavored Tator

Tot Minis.
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SHERRY: I think that’s a yes…
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HOWIE: Big money! (TEENS put their hands in together.) One, two,
three!
SHERRY, HOWIE, MOLLY, and STU: Big money! (Turn to
audience.) To the stars! Today! Tomorrow! Always!
SHERRY, HOWIE, MOLLY, and STU ad-lib, “I still have my costume,”

etc. ALL exit; STU and MOLLY linger behind.
STU: You know what I’m going to do when we win all that money?
MOLLY: (Dryly with sarcasm.) I’m dying to know. Really. Tell me
before I literally die. Please. Hurry. Before I die and it’s too late to
tell me. Cause I’m dead.
STU: I’m going to spread the money on the floor, and roll all over it,
and let it tickle every pore of my body! You know what I mean.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
MOLLY stops STU and she places her hand on his shoulder, which
stops STU in his tracks.
MOLLY: Stu?
STU: Yes, Molly?
MOLLY: You never fail to surprise me.
STU: (Stuttering.) Uh, uh... Thank you Molly––
MOLLY: (Flatly.) With your absolute. And total. Idiocy.
MOLLY heads toward exit.
STU: (Pause.) I’m really not sure how to take that...

MOLLY: (Stops. Fake kindness.) Why don’t you take it exactly as I
intended? (Pats STU'S shoulder, then exits.)
STU: (Brightening.) OK then! Thanks! (Exits.)
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ACT ONE, SCENE 5
MONSTER MANSION
AT START: MONSTERS surround ZOMBIE who sits in a chair telling

a story. MONSTERS are rapt.
ZOMBIE: And so... the waters rose higher and higher, until
everything was covered. Streets. Stores. Apartment buildings.
Cemeteries...
ALL MONSTERS: (Except ZOMBIE.) Ooohhh.
ZOMBIE: The water crept up, up, up past hills and finally... it covered
even the mountains.... Until nothing... nothing... remained...
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MONSTERS gasp. Some say “No.” Some cover their ears and eyes.
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ZOMBIE: (Darkly.) And that’s the story... (Brightly.) of global
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warming!
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TASHA enters.
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ALL MONSTERS: (Except TASHA and ZOMBIE.) Woah...

TASHA: Everybody... a couple things before we get started.
Tonight’s Bingo game unfortunately had to be cancelled.
MONSTERS ad-lib response: “What?” “Why?”
TASHA: Someone––I’m not mentioning names—ate all the letters.

Specifically, the vowels. (Clears throat.) Anyone care to own up
to—
FRANKIE, MUMMY and THING raise their hands.
FRANKIE: Me. No. Like. Vowels. Sour.

TASHA: And... the cable is out.
MONSTERS ad-lib response: “What?” “That’s not fair!”

GHOST: How am I supposed to watch “Real Housewives of
Azkaban”? The finale is tonight!
TASHA: We had a repairman out here. But... someone chased him,
then bit him in the pants...
Pause. MONSTERS slowly turn to WOLF GIRL
WOLF GIRL: What? It’s the uniform... I couldn’t help myself.

Sometimes it’s all about instinct.
FRANKIE: Cable. Man. Deserve. Bite. On. Butt.
Pause.
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MUMMY: Now I can’t watch MY favorite show!
INVISIBLE: What’s it about?
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MUMMY: It’s about this human family. And it’s super scary...None of
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them works ever. And they’re mean to each other. And their
mother? She’s the real monster!
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ZOMBIE: What kind?
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MUMMY: She’s an emotional vampire… it’s called… The

Kardashians! [Or insert similar popular TV show.]
MONSTERS are horrified. PENNY raises her hand.
TASHA: Penny? Do you have something to share?

PENNY: (Standing.) Everyone... as you know, I’ve grown up
monster, and I’ve decided to try out for the Extraordinary League
of Horrible Monsters!! Isn’t that exciting?
MONSTERS look at one another understandingly.
PENNY: Don’t everyone congratulate me at once...
MONSTERS look at the ground, uncomfortable.
TASHA: Penny... there’s something we need to talk about...

something you need to know...
GHOST: (Scared.) Oh boy!
FRANKIE puts a bag over his face and breathes. Lights down.
ACT ONE, SCENE 6

CAR
AT START: In front of the curtain. SFX: Thunder and rain.

TEENAGERS are in alien costumes. MOLLY “drives” the car;
SHERRY sits in front with a phone. HOWIE and STU are in back.
They are lost. MOLLY peers nervously through the windshield. Note:
ABOMINABLE is lying next to or behind the “car.” Appropriate lighting
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can make him appear invisible.
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HOWIE: We’re lost, aren’t we?!
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STU: We should have taken a left turn at that bridge.
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MOLLY: We’re not lost, we just don’t know where we are.

HOWIE: So we’re lost.
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STU: (To SHERRY.) What does your phone say?
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SHERRY: (Checking phone, disappointed.) It says HQ starts in eight

minutes. (Feel free to update with a relevant pop culture game,
tweet or notice.)
HOWIE: Let me see that. (Grabs phone from SHERRY.) You’re
useless. (Looks at phone.) OK. It says that I can save ten percent
on my car insurance… or––
MOLLY, SHERRY and STU (Ad-lib.) "Are you kidding?" "What’s

wrong with you?" SHERRY grabs her phone back.
HOWIE: OK, we’re lost.
Pause.
SHERRY: Wait! I just got a signal! Yes!
ALL are hopeful.
SHERRY: Wait. No. No. No!

MOLLY, STU and HOWIE pause then ad-lib. "Please." "Don’t say it
died."
SHERRY: It’s dead! Gone. Pushing up daisies. It’s nothing more

than a silver, metallic pop tart. Oh my precious. Mommy loves
you... Mommy loves you…
HOWIE: Mine's dead, too.
SHERRY: Same here!
STU: Maybe... maybe we're all dead. And this is how they tell us!
MOLLY: Who tells you what noodle brain?
STU: The people whose job it is to tell you that you're—you know—
dead.
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SHERRY: The only dead thing here is your brain. Like brain dead…
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SFX: Thud. MOLLY, STU, SHERRY, and HOWIE ad-lib. "What was
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that?" MOLLY acts like she’s slowing down and putting the car in
park. MOLLY begins to exit the car.
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HOWIE: Where’re you going?

MOLLY: To see what happened! It’s probably a flat tire.
HOWIE and STU: No! Stay in here! It’s dark outside! And scary!
MOLLY: Don’t be such weenies. Get out and help me. Or you’re
walking home!
HOWIE, MOLLY, STU, and SHERRY exit the car.
HOWIE: Why don’t we just call Triple A?

STU: Total Genius! Call Triple A!
MOLLY: (Pause. Sarcastically.) Call? Triple A? Say, genius, how do
we call Triple A when we’re lost and we don’t know where we are!
And we don’t have a phone? Or have you not been paying
attention?
STU: (Insulted.) I HAVE been paying attention. Mostly
HOWIE: And I don’t particularly care for your judg-y tone of voice...
SHERRY notices something on the other side of the car, off to the
side that draws her attention. She walks over.
SHERRY: Guys?
MOLLY, STU and HOWIE: What?
SHERRY: Remember that thud we heard? I... I think I know what it
was.
MOLLY, STU and HOWIE: What?
SHERRY: We ran something over.
HOWIE: What makes you say that?
SHERRY: Because, because there's a big furry arm coming out from
under the car.
MOLLY: A big, furry...
STU: Is that big, furry arm attached to anything?
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SHERRY: It looks like it’s attached to a… Bear!
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MOLLY: What kind? Grizzly? Brown?
STU: Or Pooh? Is it a Pooh Bear? Sweet gentle Pooh Bear!
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SHERRY: (Pause.) More like… polar bear.
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MOLLY, STU, and HOWIE: Polar bear?

HOWIE: What’s a polar bear doing all the way out here?
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STU: (Authoritatively.) I'll tell you what it’s doing here! One word!
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Global. Warming. OK two words. Picture this, and weep: A gaggle

of polar bears. Or a pride. A pride of little polar bears paddling on
their tiny ice floes (He paddles.) all the way through the Great
Lakes. Just to eat some fresh sardines...
MOLLY examines STU'S head.
MOLLY: Come here for a second.

STU: What? Why? What are you—
MOLLY: Did you hit your head?
STU: (Touching his own head.) Don’t think so. Why?
MOLLY: (Touching his head.) Because it’s missing a brain.
MOLLY, STU, HOWIE, and SHERRY huddle around ABOMINABLE.
HOWIE: Poor little polar bear...

MOLLY, STU, and SHERRY: Awww...
ABOMINABLE groans. ALL TEENS scream!

STU: It's alive!

HOWIE: It’s going to eat us!
STU: It’s angry that Molly ran it over.
HOWIE: And it’s hungry! It’s angry and hungry! It’s all your fault
Molly!
MOLLY: I didn’t run it over on purpose, you nitwit! I couldn’t see
anything! With all the rain shwooshing...
STU: I’ve heard windshield wipers are a thing.
MOLLY: It was smack dab in the middle of the road!
HOWIE: How do you not see that in the middle of the road? (Aghast.)
What kind of bad driver are you?
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MOLLY: I. Don't. Know. But next time you drive, you little troll!
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ABOMINABLE wakes up, stands, and looks at TEENS.
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SHERRY: (Stunned.) I don’t think that’s a polar bear!

MOLLY: (Stunned.) Not a polar bear.
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STU: It looks like a... Monster.
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SHERRY, MOLLY, STU, and HOWIE: (Pointing, stuttering.)

Mmmm… monster. (Beat. ALL run around, grouped in terror, and
cling to one another in fear.)
ABOMINABLE: (Pointing.) Aliens!
ALL scream together. ABOMINABLE runs off stage.
SHERRY: What just happened?

STU: We just experienced a close encounter of the furry kind!
MOLLY: We’d better get out of here before it comes back!
HOWIE: (Pointing.) Look. Up there! On the hill! A house.
STU: Let’s go! Before that THING eats us!
MOLLY: Stu’s right! To the house!
SHERRY, HOWIE, and MOLLY all run off stage. STU is last and
stops before he exits...
STU: (Stopping, to audience.) Wait a second! Did I just hear Molly

say, “Stu’s right”? Well, what d’ya know! The Stu-mesiter’s right!
Sweet! Score! (Proudly places hands on his hips. Looks around.)
And now I’m totally alone... (Panicked.) Guys? Guys? Wait for
me! (Exits hastily.)
ACT ONE, SCENE 7

MONSTER MANSION
AT START: MONSTERS, except ABOMINABLE, are having a

conversation with PENNY. They are randomly sitting and standing
around PENNY.
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TASHA: Penny... there’s something we need to talk about...
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something... you need to know...
PENNY: Aunt Tasha! What? Tell me!
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TASHA: You’re... not who you think you are—
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TASHA is interrupted by ABOMINABLE who comes rushing through

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the door. Startled, the MONSTERS ad-lib: “What’s going on?”
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“What’s happening?”
ABOMINABLE: Everyone!! They’re here!
Pause.
ALL MONSTERS: (Except ABOMINABLE and TASHA. Excited,

cheering.) They’re here!
TASHA: Everyone. Calm down. Who’s here?
ABOMINABLE: Aliens!
MONSTERS: Aliens?
MUMMY: What kind?
ABOMINABLE: The kind from outer space-kind of aliens. I SAW
them! They ran me over with their alien space ship!
ALL MONSTERS: (Except ABOMINABLE. Gasp. Ad lib.) No! Tried
to run you over?
ABOMINABLE: Then... I saw them as they emerged from their ship.
(Serious.) They’ve got their spacey alien clothes, and these weird,
ugly alien heads. Oh, they’re here all right!
ZOMBIE: Why are they here?
WOLF GIRL: Maybe they’re lost!
INVISIBLE: I know why they’re here!
The MONSTERS quiet down.
MUMMY: Why?
INVISIBLE: (Ominous.) To harvest us.
ALL MONSTERS: (Except INVISIBLE.) Harvest?
INVISIBLE: For food!
MUMMY: Or... (All the MONSTERS gather and listen.) Maybe...
they’re here... to probe us...
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ALL MONSTERS: (Deathly afraid.) Probe?
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WOLF GIRL: You mean like... Tickle? Right?
MUMMY: No! Examine us! With instruments!
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GHOST: Like a clarinet or viola?
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MUMMY: Sharp instruments in various… places...

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The MONSTERS cover their ears, eyes, stomachs, shoulders, etc.
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MONSTERS react, “Ewwww!”
HUMPHREY: Why would they do that?

ABOMINABLE: To learn stuff… the secret ways of monsterhood.
INVISIBLE: They’re not learning anything from me!
MONSTERS ad-lib: “No way,” “Nuh, uh.”
WOLF GIRL: What are we going to do?

TASHA: Everybody. This sounds like a Code Red Emergency
Protocol. You all know what to do—
MONSTERS: Uh, oh!
TASHA: Come on everybody, just like we’ve planned...
Lights down.
ACT ONE, SCENE 8
THE MOORS, MONSTER MANSION FRONT DOOR
AT RISE: In front of the curtain. The TEENS cross the stage as they
converse.
STU: (Whiney.) Guys. I’m soooooo tired. We’ve been walking for
hours.
SHERRY: It’s been like (Checks her watch.) five minutes...
STU: You know what they say...
MOLLY: (Flatly.) No. What do they say?
STU: Time flies when you’re avoiding a polar bear!
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MOLLY: Nobody says that Stu. Nobody.
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HOWIE: Is it me? Or does that house on the hill seem like, it’s getting
further away?
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MOLLY: A phone charger would be really great right about now—
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STU: I’m going to rest here.

SHERRY: We’ve got to keep moving—that wild, saber-toothed polar
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bear is angry and going to eat us!
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HOWIE: Because of global warming!

STU: How do you know it’s going to eat us? What if it’s a vegetarian?
HOWIE: Or vegan.
SHERRY: Same difference!
HOWIE: Actually, the two are often conflated...
MOLLY: That polar bear had that, you know, look, like, you idiot
humans melted all my ice patches so now I’m going to eat you!
Like THIS!
SHERRY: Yeah.
SHERRY and MOLLY give the look.
STU: Oh my god. When did you two become cannibals?

SHERRY: Could you, for once, pretend you’re semi-normal?
STU: We don’t need to pretend!
HOWIE: We are semi-normal! (Pause.) Wait! That didn’t sound right.
TEENS approach the front door of monster mansion.

MOLLY: We made it!
HOWIE: And we’re in one, uneaten piece.
SHERRY: Open the door!
STU: That’s breaking and entering. Which—if you paid attention in
[Insert teacher’s name] class—you’d know is against the law!
MOLLY: I did pay attention in [Insert teacher’s name] class, but I just
don’t care if it’s against the law!
STU: (Horrified.) You… law breaker…
MOLLY: Fine. Ring the doorbell.
SFX: Wolves howling.
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HOWIE: I have a funny feeling about this!
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STU: Me too.
MOLLY: You’ll have an even funnier feeling when you’re in the
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stomach of that polar bear.
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STU and HOWIE: Well said...

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STU rings doorbell. SFX: A loud scream (which is the sound of the
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doorbell). ALL TEENS scream in response to the doorbell. Blackout.
INTERMISSION.
ACT TWO, SCENE 1
MONSTER MANSION
AT RISE: ALL TEENS on stage. MONSTER FAMILY is “hiding”

behind a ridiculously small houseplant.
HOWIE: Wow.
MOLLY: I’m not sure this was such a good idea...
SHERRY: It looks... haunted.
STU: (Brightly.) I don’t know! It looks cozy... it feels very feng shui.
HOWIE: You know. This looks exactly like the house from that horror
movie “Blood Circus” where the teenagers walk into an old house
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on a stormy night and it’s filled with— (Stops, scared.) Uh oh.
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MOLLY, SHERRY and STU: What?
MOLLY: What’s it filled with Howie?
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HOWIE: Blood. Sucking. Leeches.
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SHERRY: (Doubtful.) Leeches?

HOWIE: Twenty-foot-tall leeches. And they suck out all the
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teenager’s blood like blood-sucking leechy vampires! Until...
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there’s nothing left of them but dry husks of flesh.

MOLLY: (Annoyed.) Is all you guys do is watch dumb movies?
HOWIE and STU: (Ad-lib.) What? Of course not! No!
STU: Sometimes we watch dumb TV shows, too!
HOWIE and STU nod at one another and high-five. MOLLY and
SHERRY shake their heads in acknowledgement.
MOLLY: Come on, let’s look around...
STU makes a big show of sniffing around.
SHERRY: What are you doing!

STU: Sniffing: it’s the best way to find the kitchen!
MOLLY: You think there might be people in the kitchen?
STU: No. I think there might be food in the kitchen! I’m starving!
WOLF GIRL: (Holding wolf ears.) I hear them! They’re starving! And
looking for us!
GHOST: Please don’t eat me. Please o’ please...
FRANKIE: (Sniffs self.) Frankie tastes like old people.
INVISIBLE: They’re going to have to find me first!
WOLF GIRL: That won’t be hard, Invisible... you smell like a million
teen-age boys with all their Axe spray. You’re probably glowing in
the dark!
SHERRY: Let’s concentrate on finding a phone before we start
searching for food. We need to poke around this old place.
WOLF GIRL: Uh no. They’re going to probe us!
ABOMINABLE: Ohhh. I don’t want to be probed.
MONSTERS cover their “places.”
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HOWIE: (Whining.) I’m so hungry I could eat my arm!
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HUMPHREY: Guys! They’re cannibals!
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MONSTERS groan. r
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SHERRY: You guys hear something?

an
MOLLY, STU, and HOWIE: (Slowly, frightfully.) Yeah...
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MOLLY: Hello! Hello! Anyone here? Guys... spread out. See you if
can find a phone.
TEENS separate. STU, MOLLY, and SHERRY exit. HOWIE

approaches the MONSTERS’ hiding spot.
HUMPHREY: They’re looking for a phone. Like that cute little alien
fella from the movie. Phone home... (HUMPHREY does the finger
thing.) Phone home!
THING: Shhh…
HUMPHREY: Everybody freeze.
MUMMY: Act like mannequins.
GHOST: Someone’s elbow’s in my side.
THING: Someone’s got wicked bad breath.
As HOWIE approaches, MONSTERS cringe in fright.
INVISIBLE: Close your eyes! So they can’t see us!

MONSTERS form themselves into ridiculous poses and freeze. We
see HOWIE poke his head around. He sees the MONSTERS. HOWIE
then looks at the audience and shakes his head. He doesn’t quite
know what to make of them. He cocks his head, squints his eyes.
HOWIE turns and the MONSTERS let out a big sigh of relief.
GHOST: You think he saw us?
MONSTERS ad-lib relief.
HOWIE: Wait a second... did I just?
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HOWIE turns back. MONSTERS freeze. He does this a couple of
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times. The last time, HOWIE sneezes.
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MUMMY: (Whispers.) Gesundheit!
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HOWIE: Thanks....
MUMMY: Welcome.
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Pe
HOWIE eyes them, and a faint look of confusion crosses his face.
HOWIE: Mmmmmonsters!
MUMMY: He saw us!
SHERRY, MOLLY and STU enter running and meet HOWIE

downstage center.
HOWIE: They’re here! They’re here! Run! Come on! Gotta get outta
here!
MOLLY, SHERRY and STU: Who? What?
HOWIE: That polar bear you hit. He’s here. But, he’s got friends.
MONSTER FRIENDS!
MOLLY: (Dry. Disbelieving.) You’re such a weenie! Monsters!
MOLLY and SHERRY laugh.
HOWIE: Come on! We’ve got to leave! Now! Faster than now!
(Pause. Sees the MONSTERS.) Uh oh.
SHERRY: (Sarcastically.) Oooh? Are the “monsters” here? Behind
us?
MOLLY: Are they going to “get us”?
HOWIE points behind the TEENS to MONSTER FAMILY. TEENS

turn and face the MONSTERS.
STU: (With a casual wave.) Hey! Monsters! I’ll be. Howie was right!
HOWIE, SHERRY, and MOLLY: (Pointing and stuttering.) Mmmm...
Monsters!
TEENS collapse in a faint.
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HUMPHREY: (Tentatively.) Are they... dead?
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MONSTERS lean down and sniff the TEENS. They act appalled at
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the smell.
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MUMMY: This one smells like (Pause.) intergalactic tacos...
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THING: (Excited.) Guys! Do you know what we just did?
MONSTERS ad-lib, “What?”
THING: We scared! These aliens! To death!

MUMMY: Mostly to death!
MONSTERS: Hey... Yeah!
WOLF GIRL: We did it! We finally scared something!
MONSTERS absorb this information.
FRANKIE: Frankie. Insides. Happy.
MONSTERS digest this information and come to a conclusion.
MUMMY: And you know what this means?

GHOST: It means we’re scary!
ALL MONSTERS: (Except GHOST. Tentative.) ...scary...?
THING: Scary enough to scare aliens... from another planet!
MUMMY: Aliens bent on conquering Earth!
INVISIBLE: We. Are. AWESOME!
ALL MONSTERS: (Ad-lib.) We’re awesome!
They high-five one another.
ZOMBIE: We just saved the world from alien invasion!

ALL MONSTERS: (Singing.) “We saved the world... From invasion”
(To the tune of “We are the World.”)
WOLF GIRL: Wait, wait! If we could scare aliens! Then maybe we’re
ready to audition for the Extraordinary League of Horrible
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Monsters!
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MUMMY: (Petting WOLF GIRL’S head.) That was such an
AWESOMELY COMBUSTIBLE idea...
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MONSTERS high-five one another. The TEENS stir. The

MONSTERS jump back in fright.
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THING: They’re alive!

GHOST: What do we do?
HUMPHREY: Eat them.
ZOMBIE: Ewwwww!
INVISIBLE: I know! The dungeon.
ZOMBIE: We have a dungeon? Since when?
MUMMY: Is it that that damp, blood saturated, cesspool in the
basement!
ABOMINABLE: Oh, I love it there! (Looks around.) It’s very feng
shui.
ALL MONSTERS: (Agreeing and light dawning on them.) To the
dungeon!
MONSTERS march off without the TEENS. A second later they

return.
MONSTERS: With the aliens!
MONSTERS start to drag the TEENS off stage, lights down.

ACT TWO, SCENE 2
DUNGEON
AT RISE: TEENS wake up groggily in the mansion’s dungeon.
SHERRY: Where are we?

MOLLY: Stone walls.
HOWIE: Bars on the windows.
SHERRY: Moldy smell of death and decay.
HOWIE: Retched foul-smelling odors.
STU: Guys! Either this is a dungeon, or...
HOWIE, SHERRY, and MOLLY: Or?
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STU: Or through some sort of space-time inversion, we ended up in
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my bedroom!
MOLLY and SHERRIE: Ewww.
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HOWIE: Hey, it could be worse. We could’ve been lo chow monster
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mein.
STU: Right! Total bonus! We haven’t been eaten. But, let’s not get
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careless—eyes peeled! If a witch comes down here offering us
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pizza? Must. Say. No!

HOWIE: What… kind of pizza?
MOLLY and SHERRY: Arghh! Shut it.
MOLLY: What are we going to do?
HOWIE: (Snapping fingers.) I got it! All we have to do is call 911?
SHERRY: (Knocking on HOWIE’S head.) Our. Phones. Don’t. Work.
Prune brain. Where have you been for the last several hours?
HOWIE: I’ve been right here! Starving! That’s where…
MOLLY: Well this has officially become the worst night of my life!
SHERRY: Yeah me, too.
STU: Not me. There was that time last year, with the vat of honey
and the unicycles. No. Wait. This is worse.
MOLLY: The only thing I feel like doing is crying...
HOWIE: Me too.
STU and SHERRY: Yeah...
TEENS begin to cry, slowly at first, then louder.

ACT TWO, SCENE 3
MONSTER MANSION
AT RISE: MONSTERS are gathered on the chairs and sofa. They are
happy and excited that they captured the “aliens,” though PENNY is
concerned.
PENNY: You locked them in the dungeon?

GHOST: Of course!
ZOMBIE: We saved the world!
INVISIBLE: Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters – here we
come!
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PENNY: You locked them up because you think that they will help
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you get into the Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters?
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MUMMY speaks to other MONSTERS pretending that he’s a judge.
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WOLF GIRL: Of course we did!

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PENNY: (Protesting.) We didn’t even find out why they were here!
Pe
Maybe they’re harmless!

THING: Harmless until they started to probe us. Then you’d be
singing a different tune.
HUMPHREY: And in a higher register!
MUMMY: And slightly off key!
PENNY: It’s not fair to lock them away! Just because they’re
(Pause.) different!
HUMPHREY: That’s exactly why we locked them away!
GHOST: Because they’re different!
PENNY: We can’t lock up everyone who’s different! Can we? Should
we?
THING: (Crossing to PENNY.) Penny. Penny. Penny. Poor, innocent,
adorable, newly minted teenager Penny. It’s nice you’re so
concerned. But, that’s your (Uses air quotes.) “human side”
talking... (Pause.) oops!
MONSTERS intake breath.
ALL MONSTERS: Uh, oh.

PENNY: (Pause.) What? What did you say?
THING: Nothing!
FRANKIE: Can’t breathe! Need binky!
PENNY: What... what did you mean by my “human” side?
ABOMINABLE: He means. We’re all different, but we’re all the same
because we’re all so different.
GHOST: And that’s what makes us the same. Being... different...
ahhhh.
TASHA: (Pause. Gently.) I think, Penny, it’s time we told you the
truth.
PENNY: The truth?
THING: She can’t handle the truth!
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ZOMBIE: (In one breath.) You’re-not-a-monster-Penny.
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PENNY: (Laughing.) Aunt Tasha. What’s? (Looks around.) What’s
going on?
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TASHA: Sit down Penny. It’s true... you’re... human, Penny.
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MONSTERS are afraid of PENNY’S reaction.

an
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PENNY: Yeah. OK. Sure. Huh-um… what?

MUMMY: You were left! At our front door.
FRANKIE: Tiny. Baby.
THING: You smelled bad.
ZOMBIE: But we took you anyway!
MUMMY: Zombie wanted to eat you...
ZOMBIE: Not true! (To PENNY.) Nibble. (Pause.) Gnaw…
PENNY: You raised me! I’m one of you! Family! I’m a monster just
like—
TASHA: —I’m sorry Penny. This is a little hard to explain... See,
monsters exist in a dimensional interstice between biological and
theological exponents that lie somewhere outside the normalized
jurisdiction of space and time—it's all very... Steven Hawking-ish...
You're not a monster, Penny. You're human! You can’t change
who you are...
ABOMINABLE: (Like a cowering dog.) Don’t be angry, Penny.
PENNY: Why would I be angry? Just because I just found out that
I’m a disgusting human being? (Stalks off in anger, then reappears
at the curtain.) I hate you all! (Exits.)
Pause.

TASHA: I’ll let her cool down. Then I’ll talk to her. When she’s a little
less emotional...
MUMMY: Good luck with that... Remember: she’s a teenager.
ALL MONSTERS: Argghh.
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ACT TWO, SCENE 4
PENNY’S ROOM
AT RISE: PENNY takes a framed photo from a side table and looks
at it longingly. It’s a photo of her MONSTER family.
PENNY: I’m not a human? What are they saying. I’m a monster. How
am I not a monster? Who am I? What am I? Do I have to prove I’m
a monster! (Pause.) I know... The Extraordinary League of Horrible
Monsters! I’ll audition, and when I’m accepted, they’ll know!
(Begins packing a suitcase as she delivers her lines. Scribbling a
note.) I’m going to miss you all... I hope you understand why I
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have to leave...
rfo ot sa
PENNY exits with suitcase. Lights fade. After five seconds, they rise.
ce
TASHA and MUMMY enter PENNY’S room.
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TASHA: Penny honey, I’m sorry about what happened downstairs...

Penny?
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TASHA sees the note, reads it and hands it to MUMMY.
MUMMY: What’s it say? I can only read Sanskrit.

TASHA: She’s run away! To audition for The Extraordinary League
of Horrible Monsters!
MUMMY: No, no, no. This is bad. Very bad.
TASHA: Call a meeting. We have to prevent Penny from going to
those auditions.
MUMMY: Those monsters? They’ll eat her alive!
TASHA: Literally.
FRANKIE: Frankie. No understand.
ABOMINABLE: The League of Monsters hate humans. And if they
discover that she’s human...
THING: Bad things will happen.
TASHA: And, if they discover that we’ve been protecting her all
these years... we will all be exiled.
FRANKIE: What do we do?
TASHA: We need help. From the aliens.
THING: Aliens?
INVISIBLE: But they’re here to conquer the earth!
WOLF GIRL: If they can conquer the earth, maybe they can conquer
those stuck-up boogie monsters at the league!
GHOST: Right. We should let them out...
MUMMY: And apologize. Maybe Penny was right... we shouldn’t
have locked them up just because they’re different.
ZOMBIE: I’ll let the aliens out of the dungeon.
THING: By yourself?
ZOMBIE: I’m already dead! What could they do to me?
MUMMY: Right you are! Continue.
ZOMBIE: Plus, I kinda like the dumb one—he’s sorta cute... (Exits.)
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MONSTERS: (Ad-lib.) Cute? Eww.
rfo ot sa
WOLF GIRL: The dumb one? How can you tell the difference?
ce
Lights down. r
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an ACT TWO, SCENE 5

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DUNGEON
AT RISE: The lights slowly rise on the TEENS huddled together in a

dark dungeon.
HOWIE: (Singing.) “Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas

today!”
STU: (Singing.) “Nobody knows the hungers I’ve seen. Nobody’s fed
my belly!”
MOLLY: If you don’t shut up... your sorrows will be doubled.
SHERRY: And as for me, I’m going to stick those bananas—
STU: OK, OK... got it.
SFX: We hear a boom – like a distant door opening.
MOLLY: Someone’s coming!

STU: Here we go! We’re going to be the main course for some
monster bellies!
HOWIE: I hope they eat me last!
SHERRY: (Pause.) What?
HOWIE: Did I say that out loud? See, if they eat you guys first, they
might be too full to eat me!
MOLLY: You’re a coward, aren’t you?
HOWIE: Hundred percent! And proud of it!
SFX: Creaking door. ZOMBIE appears, holding a lantern.
ZOMBIE: Hi! I’m here to rescue you...

STU: Aren’t you a little short to be a Storm Trooper?
HOWIE: Rescue us! Early release for good behavior? And charming
good looks, no?
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MOLLY: Not in a million years.
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HOWIE: (Moving toward ZOMBIE.) Hi there. I’m Howie. I’m a
Sagittarius, I like long walks on the beach—
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MOLLY: You’re. So. Awkward. Like 24/7/365!
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SHERRY: Leap years too.

ZOMBIE: Oh Aliens. (Bows.) We need your help. Penny the human
an
has run away.
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STU: Go Penny!
MOLLY: Good for her! At least one of your prisoners got away from
you diabolical evil monsters!!
ZOMBIE: (Flabbergasted.) She wasn’t our prisoner! She’s part of our
family.
TEENS ad-lib “Ohhh” response.
SHERRY: Your family?

ZOMBIE: Long story. Look, she’s in danger! (Dramatically, bowing.)
Oh mighty aliens from a galaxy far, far away. We need you to help
us save Penny.
MOLLY: How?
ZOMBIE: We need your advanced spaceship and its faster-than-light
travel to rescue Penny from horrible monsters.
SHERRY: Oh. That’s uh. Mmm. Give us a second, will ya? (To
TEENS.) Guys. Step into my office.
TEENS move downstage.

STU: You’re not fooling me! This isn’t an office! It looks exactly like a
dungeon.
MOLLY: (Ignoring STU.) This could be a trap, or
SHERRY: Or?
MOLLY: Or maybe that walking dead girl is telling the truth.
ZOMBIE: I can hear you...
HOWIE: She can hear you! (Smiles and waves to ZOMBIE.) Hey girl!
SHERRY: What do we do?
STU raises his hand, then impatiently clears his throat, twice.
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SHERRY: (Impatiently.) Yes, Stu?
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STU: What happens when we get to the car, and it won’t go
intergalactic, if you know what I mean? (Whispers.) Because it’s a
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twenty five your old Dodge Omni… they’ll know we’re not
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(Difficulty in spelling out.) A, L, E, E, N, D, Z! (Aside.) That spells

“aliens.” (Pause.) Then they might want to “E, E, E, T” us. (Makes
an
eating munching motions and sounds.)
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TEENS are confused about what he’s spelling.
MOLLY: We’ll cross that B, R, I, D, G, E when we get to it.

HOWIE: The same bridge where we should have turned left at?
MOLLY: OK zombie girl, unlock us and lead the way!
ZOMBIE: (To HOWIE.) My name is... Veronica...
HOWIE: (Smitten.) That’s such a perfect name—for a zombie girl!
MOLLY and SHERRY: Oh brother!
Lights down.
ACT TWO, SCENE 6
MONSTER MANSION
AT RISE: The TEENS enter with ZOMBIE.
HOWIE: (Sees TASHA.) Uh oh. (Warning the other teens.) Witchy

vampire lady! Three o’clock.
STU: Ok. Get it over with (Baring his neck.) Take my blood first. If
you dare... though... I must warn you, it’s O negative. (Pause.)
Squared. (Brightly, like he’s talking about wine.) In fact, it’s an
ever-so-slightly frothy mixture of youth and mirth with just a dash
of a fruity aftertaste. And a decidedly bold finish!
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MOLLY and SHERRY: Oh brother...
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TASHA: I’m not going to drink your blood!
HOWIE: 'Cause you’re going to eat our brains? Right?
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STU: Are you going to steal our souls?
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MOLLY: (To HOWIE.) Like you have one...

HOWIE: Are you going to turn us into mindless, soulless zombies?
an
TASHA: I think your smart phones have already taken care of that.
Pe
ALL TEENS: True. (General agreement.)

STU: You (To TASHA.) let us out because (Crosses to TASHA.) you
heard the Stu-ster is single and you want to know what all the fuss
is about!
MOLLY: Please eat his brain! He’s so annoying.
TASHA: Stu, I’m 900-years-old, I’m old enough to be your—
STU: We don’t need to care what other people think—
TASHA: That’s sweet, but I’m here to ask for your help. Penny has
run away... she’s human, but she was raised by us—monsters—
her whole life. She thinks she’s a monster.
HUMPHREY: She’s going to audition for The Extraordinary League
of Horrible Monsters!
TASHA: It will be dangerous.
HOWIE: So. She doesn’t make it. Sometimes you don’t make the
team.
STU: (Explaining to all.) Like last year, I didn’t make the math team
because I didn’t pass the extraordinarily rigorous physical.
MOLLY: (Sassy.) Stu, you didn’t make the math team because you
can’t multiply.
STU: (Proudly.) And, I can’t multiply!
TASHA: Something bad happens when humans and monsters mix.
TEENS: Bad?
TASHA: The human becomes their servant. Or dinner.
HOWIE: Well, I have to say, it’s about time! I was feeling a little
peckish!
ZOMBIE: No, Penny becomes the dinner.
ALL TEENS: Ewww.
SHERRY: Poor little crazy human girl...
MOLLY: Why does she want to audition for the Extraordinary League
of Horrible Monsters!?
ABOMINABLE: It’s kind of like “America’s Got Talent.” But without
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that mean Simon Cowell!
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MOLLY: Aren’t you members? You can just––
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MONSTERS look dejected.
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MONSTERS: (Answering pathetically with their heads facing down,

an
ashamed.) No...
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INVISIBLE: We keep getting rejected.
TEENS ad-lib, “Why?” “Really”
FRANKIE: We. Not. Scary.

MUMMY: We’re terrible horrible monsters.
MONSTERS: We’re more like misfit emoji monsters than horrible
monsters.
MOLLY: You don’t seem like misfit emoji monsters. Whatever they
are…
HOWIE: Especially not you (To ZOMBIE. Smitten.) 'Cause you’re
wicked cute.
ZOMBIE reacts with cuteness.
FRANKIE: Wolf Girl like a Hello Kitty cat.

WOLF GIRL: Meow!
MUMMY: And then there’s Invisible.
STU: (Pointing.) That guy? I could see you from miles away.
INVISIBLE: I know. I try and try but…
ABOMINABLE: I’m a snow monster with a talent for mime. (Shows
his mime moves.)
SHERRY: No offense, but people aren’t afraid of mimes.
MOLLY: They’re annoying.
STU: Dude. You look just like the twin brother of polar bear we ran
over!
ABOMINABLE: I am the polar bear you ran over!
HOWIE: (Pointing to MOLLY.) She was driving!
MOLLY: Don’t throw me under the bus!
STU: That guy was under the bus!
THING: Zombie here is a vegetarian.
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ZOMBIE: Vegan! See there’s a lot of confusion...
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HOWIE: Phew. The way you kept looking at me, I thought you were
hungry!
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ZOMBIE: I keep looking at you cause... I think you’re wicked cute,
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too.
HOWIE: Hear that? She likes me! She may be undead, but zombie
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girl’s got good taste! That didn’t sound right...
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MUMMY: So, you see. We’re more like the Extraordinary League of
Misfit Monsters!
GHOST: We’re afraid of everything!
THING: Like global warming.
WOLF GIRL: High cholesterol.
ZOMBIE: Vaccines.
MUMMY: (Almost whispered.) High fructose corn syrup.
FRANKIE: Gluten.
ABOMINABLE: Taylor Swift
ALL TEENS: Taylor Swift?
MUMMY: And teenagers.
MOLLY: Teenagers?
HUMPHREY: They’re moody
GHOST: And pimply.
ZOMBIE: Sassy.
FRANKIE: Smelly.
ALL TEENS: Oh…
TASHA: If you help us rescue Penny, we’ll help you get back to your
home planet...
ALL TEENS: (Awkward, look at one another.) Mmmm…
SHERRY: Can you (To MONSTERS.) give us a minute? (To
TEENS.) Guys, my office.
TEENS move to another part of the stage.
STU: Again... not to be argumentative, but this is not an office.

MOLLY: What do we do? What happens if we can’t rescue Penny?
(Snaps fingers at HOWIE.) Howie, pay attention!
HOWIE: (Gazing at ZOMBIE.) Zombie thinks I’m cute.
MOLLY: You know why the zombie chick thinks you’re cute?
HOWIE: 'Cause I’m cute. (Swooning.) She said so....
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MOLLY: No. It’s because she’s literally brain-dead.
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HOWIE: Sure, but that doesn’t have to get in the way of what is
clearly becoming a beautiful relationship.
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SHERRY: Look. Maybe we should just tell them the truth.
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STU: Since when is the truth ever a good idea? OK. You’re right.
SHERRY: (Takes a deep breath.) We’re not... aliens... we’re just
an
dressed up this way.
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TEENS take off their alien costumes. MONSTERS are in shock.
WOLF GIRL: I think I’m going to be sick!

SHERRY: We were on our way to a costume party.
HOWIE: Dressed as aliens.
STU and HOWIE high-five.
STU: We got lost on our way there.

MOLLY: Then we ran over the polar bear— (Pointing to
ABOMINABLE.) sorry, dude.
TASHA: Are you saying you can’t help us?
HOWIE: (Heroically.) We are going to help you! We’re going to help
you save Penny!
SHERRY: If you promise not to eat us.
HUMPHREY: Agreed. And if you promise not to pull any Jedi mind
tricks.
GHOST: Or probe us!
TEENS: Deal.
ACT TWO, SCENE 7

CAR
AT RISE: TEENS are set up like Act One, Scene 6 (Car). MOLLY is
driving. The FAMILY OF MONSTERS are crammed in the “car” with
the TEENS. SFX: Car noises.
MONSTERS ad-lib: “Anybody know where we’re going?” “Anyone

have GPS?” “Are we there yet?” “Stop touching me...” “Isn’t there a
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shorter route?” “Maybe we should be taking a shorter route.” “I think
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we should have taken a right.” “I have to go to the bathroom...” “Yeah,
me too.” “Are we there yet?” repeatedly.
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MOLLY stops the car. ALL pretend they’re stopping. MOLLY has an
angry look on her face.
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ABOMINABLE: Why are we stopping?

ALL: (Ad-lib.) Yeah, why are we stopping?
HOWIE: Yeah. Why?
MOLLY: (Slowly, with rising anger.) If I hear one more peep out of
anyone! I will turn this car around so help me. I mean it. I will so
turn this car around. Does everyone understand?
ALL: (Submissive.) Yes... no peeps. No peeping.
MOLLY: (Satisfied.) Do you?
ALL: Yes...
MOLLY: Good. Let’s do this!
ACT TWO, SCENE 8

AUDITIONS
ZOG, SINISTERIA, and VAMPIRE are on stage with MONSTER

EXTRAS.
ZOG: OK. And you are?

VAMPIRE: Chupucabre—I’m vampire-like. I devour the life essence
of humans… and animals. I’m not picky, but I am legendary!
SINISTERIA: Say... is that... hair product?
VAMPIRE: Why–– (Runs fingers through hair.) yes it is...
SINISTERIA: Excellent. You’re going to Hollywood!
ZOG: Next.
LACTOSE enters with arrows and quiver.
ZOG: And you are?

LACTOSE: My name is Lactose. Lactose Everclear. My weapon of
choice is a bow and arrow. I volunteered at the last reaping and—
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ZOG looks at clipboard and cannot find name.
ce
SINISTERIA: We seem to have a little problem... you don’t appear to
r
pe N ru
be on our list—
LACTOSE: (Pause.) This... is Dystopian Super Hero auditions? Isn’t
it?
an
Pe
ZOG: That explains it. Dystopian Super Hero Auditions are... down
the hall and to the right. Just pass Forever 21. This is a monsters
only event.
LACTOSE: Oh. (Nodding.) Thank you! (Exits.)
SINISTERIA: Next!
PENNY steps forward.
ZOG: Your name?

PENNY: Penny.
ZOG: What kind of monster are you, Penny?
PENNY: (Nervously.) I... I...
ZOG: Don’t be nervous...
PENNY: I was hoping you could help me figure that out...
SINISTERIA: Wait... (Sniffs the air.) Do you? Smell that?
MONSTER EXTRAS begin to crowd around.
ZOG: Yes. A faint hint of—human.

SINISTERIA: With just a subtle afterglow of primate...
ZOG: Are you—human?
PENNY: No! I’m… I’m a monster!
ZOG and SINISTERIA gather along with the other MONSTER

EXTRAS in an ever-tightening circle.
SINISTERIA: You don’t smell like monster!

PENNY: I’m from a family of monsters!
PENNY’S entire MONSTER FAMILY rushes in...
rm fo l
TASHA: Penny!
rfo ot sa
MONSTERS: Penny!
PENNY: What are you all doing here?
ce
TASHA: You ran away...
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ZOG: (Laughing with derision.) This? This is your family? This

(Pause.) rabble? These pretend, cartoonish monster wannabes!
an
Pe
MONSTER EXTRAS laugh.
SINISTERIA: Well, well, well! Look who we have here! A monster

celebrity!
MONSTER EXTRAS ad-lib, “Who?”
ZOG: None other than the notorious, the infamous vampiress

Nastasha. The Impaler!
MONSTER EXTRAS exclaim, “Oooh” and “Ahhh.”
SINISTERIA: Yes! Let me introduce you to the founding member of

the Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters!
MONSTER EXTRAS “Ooh” and “Ahhh”.
GHOST: You never told us…

ZOG: And— (Waits until everyone quiets.) I might add... The only
monster to be exiled! In disgrace!
MONSTER FAMILY: (Except TASHA.) Exiled?
ZOG: Wait, wait, wait… she didn’t tell you?
MONSTER FAMILY (except TASHA) murmurs “No.”
SINISTERIA: She was stripped of her powers because she broke the
most sacred Covenant of Monsters... she harbored a human.
MONSTER EXTRAS and MONSTER FAMILY: (Except TASHA.)
No!
TASHA: (To PENNY.) You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to
rm fo l
prove anything...
rfo ot sa
MONSTER EXTRAS gather around and sniff the air.
ce
r
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TASHA: You will not touch her!

ZOG: You know the rules, exile! If a human enters by their own
choice!
an
Pe
WOLF GIRL: But she’s family!
MONSTER FAMILY ad-libs, “Yeah!” “She’s family!” TEENS rush in

wearing their alien costumes.
ALL TEENS: We’re here! Sorry we’re late.

SHERRY: I was parking the space sh—hello everyone.
SINISTERIA: And who are you?
SHERRY: Ah... we’re ummm... we’re—
MOLLY: We’re from... from...
HOWIE: (Bravely.) We’re from— (Pause.) A galaxy far, far away.
From wherever this is!
SHERRY: We’re here to conquer the earth!
MOLLY: And take prisoners to work on our Pizza Ranches!
SHERRY: We need Pizza Ranch slaves… and I think we want that
specimen. (Points at PENNY.).
ZOG: Seize them!
MONSTER EXTRAS surround TEENS.

STU: (In a bad JOHN WAYNE accent.) Well let me tell you
something little padre, if you don’t let her go... we’ll... we’ll—
ZOG: What? What will you do…?
HOWIE: (Turning to other TEENS.) What? What are we gonna do?
SINISTERIA: Your threats mean nothing to us...
HOWIE whispers into MOLLY’S ear.
MOLLY: Then, we’ll do something even worse!
MONSTER EXTRAS, ZOG, and SINISTERIA laugh with derision...
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
STU: We’ll probe you!
ce
MONSTER EXTRAS, ZOG, and SINISTERIA ad-lib: “No!” They fall
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back in fear.
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STU: I’ve got all the probing tools in my probing toolbelt of… proby
Pe
things.
ZOG: (Sniffing around.) These aliens! They smell like—
STU: Sorry. I had the taco salad for lunch. And I’m also lactose
intolerant and well, you know, the chemistry lab in your
intestines—wow! Watch out!
MOLLY: Shut it.
ZOG: They’re human! Like the girl.
SHERRY: Well... it’s kind of a long story see. We were driving and at
some point we got a little lost.
HOWIE: It was a left turn at the bridge kind of thing.
MOLLY and SHERRY: We know!
STU: (Points at MOLLY.) She ran over this polar bear.
MOLLY: We! We ran over a polar bear.
HOWIE: Who turned out to be a mime!
ZOG and SINISTERIA: Ewwww.
SHERRY: I know right? People hate mimes. Plus. Not scary. At all!
HOWIE: But he’s totally cool. Then we—
ZOG: Silence!
SINISTERIA: Ready the humans for dinner.
HOWIE: (Turning to STU.) Dinner. That is so polite. Thank you
because as I was saying earlier, I’m totally hungroid and would eat
almost anything at this point...
STU: Me, too! Whatdaya got on the menu? (Looks around.) Why is
everyone so quiet?
MONSTER EXTRAS laugh.
MOLLY: They’re having us for dinner.

HOWIE: I know. It’s really quite generous as we just met and all.
But, what’s on the menu?
SHERRY: We’re the menu! (Points to the TEENS.) The menu… us.
rm fo l
SINISTERIA: Take them away! All of them!
rfo ot sa
MONSTER EXTRAS begin to take the TEENS when PENNY
ce
emerges a deep, guttural NO!
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PENNY: NO!
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Pe
ALL on stage are taken aback. PENNY is seething. MONSTER

EXTRAS back away.
PENNY: Let. Them. Go!

ZOG and SINISTERIA: (In awe.) What?
PENNY: Release them now! While I possess some self-control. If
not, I’ll unleash... my inner teenager!
MONSTER EXTRAS draw back in fear!
PENNY: That’s right! Raging hormones, impudent, sarcastic, self-

centered teenager.
OPTIONAL: It might be fun to spotlight a principal, parent or teacher

and have them elaborate on traits of teenagers. They continue until…
MONSTER EXTRAS draw back in fear another step.
MONSTER EXTRA: I want my mommy.

PENNY: Ha! As if you had one! Why don’t you creep back into the
prehistoric ooze which spawned you! And the rest of you monster
wannabees!
MONSTER EXTRAS, ZOG, and SINISTERIA react, “Oh my god!”
PENNY: (To ZOG.) And you? You’re so dumb! If you donated your
brain to science – They. Would. Give. It. Back!
MONSTER EXTRAS, ZOG, and SINISTERIA ad-lib reaction, “Woah!”

“She’s horrible!” and recoil.
rm fo l
PENNY: (Stalks slowly around the monster extras.) So let them go...
rfo ot sa
If not, I won’t just hurt you. I will make you suffer. So that pain and
misery will be your only companion. Your only nourishment. And
ce
you will feed upon it until you gnaw yourself into nothingness. And
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the whole world will tremble from the howls of your pain!
(Gestures.) The very stars will hide themselves in fear, because
an
they cannot bear your anguish.
Pe
Pause while this settles in.
HOWIE: Yeah… what she said!
Longish pause, then, one-by-one, the FAMILY OF MONSTERS,

MONSTER EXTRAS, ZOG, and SINISTERIA begin a slow applause
that grows louder as they appreciate her speech.
TASHA: That was amazing!

GHOST: Penny, I had no idea! You really are a monster!
They ring bells. ZOG and SINISTERIA huddle together.
ZOG: The judges, with unanimous consent hereby decree that you,
Penny, shall be the first human accorded the title “Monster-in-
Training for the Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters.”
Congratulations!
EVERYONE politely applauds.
HOWIE: On one condition!
ALL stop.
HOWIE: That all these awkward misfit monsters are allowed in, too!
ZOG: There’s no precedent.
SHERRY: There’s a first time for everything. And, I want to warn
you, that if you don’t let them in... You’ll have to deal with us!
TEENS reveal themselves as teenagers. MONSTER EXTRAS are
rm fo l
taken aback...
rfo ot sa
MOLLY: We’re teenagers, too!
ce
r
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MONSTER EXTRAS move back in terror. They utter a breathless,

“NO!”
an
Pe
SINISTERIA: Agreed!
FAMILY OF MONSTERS cheer! PENNY and TASHA walk

downstage. TASHA embraces PENNY.
TASHA: Penny… that was… amazing! I didn’t know you could…

PENNY: Me either. It came from a place... that’s dark and ugly…
primordial and ancient—
STU: Right! Like my bedroom.
TASHA: Penny… just a word of caution: remember that, “He who
fights monsters should be careful lest he become one...”
HOWIE: That’s some good advice right there…
PENNY: I get it Aunt Tasha. To be honest, after all this, my appetite
for being a monster isn’t what it used to be.
STU: Right... oh my gosh, right. I don’t want to be an alien anymore. I
just want to be a normal human.
MOLLY: Never. Happen…
PENNY and TASHA rejoin the FAMILY OF MONSTERS. The TEENS
cross down stage...
SHERRY: Well, it seems our work here is done. What do you guys
think, huh?
MOLLY: You know, all in all, not a bad night... considering.
STU: I’m kind a glad we took that wrong left... turn.
TEENS are slightly confused.
STU: You know what I mean...

MOLLY: (Nodding.) Hey! (Checking watch.) I bet if we leave now,
rm fo l
we can still make it to the convention!
rfo ot sa
TEENS lack enthusiasm.
ce
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STU: You know, this seems pretty awesome right here.

MOLLY, SHERRY and HOWIE: Yeah...
an
ZOMBIE: (To HOWIE.) Howie… did you really think I was cute?
Pe
HOWIE: (Shy, enamored.) Totally. Like the cutest dead girl I’ve ever
met. Honest. No lie.
HOWIE and ZOMBIE hold hands and look around... we hear the bass
lines to “Thriller.”
HOWIE: You guys hear that?
ALL begin to nod to the beat.
ZOMBIE: What are we waiting for?
ALL begin to dance to “Thriller.”
THE END
NOTES:
OF HORRIBLE MONSTERS
Genre: Comedy
Duration: 90 minutes
Cast: 6 females, 2 males, 9-11 either (17-19 total cast)
Flexibility: 0-10 extras
The Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters is a work

of fiction. Really. We all know monsters don’t exist. Right?
But maybe... just maybe... when the lights go out, and the
storm rages, and you forget to look under your bed, or check
the closet... there might be something lurking or shuffling
or shambling toward you…. Any resemblance to persons or
monsters you may know are merely coincidental. Promise.

Extrordinary Monsters

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SYNOPSIS: The Extraordinary League of Horrible Monsters is a work of

Like Simon Cowell. Only

SINISTERIA (f/m) ........................................ Judge for the Extraordinary

rm fo l What is it? No one really

stress by sucking his thumb or

person. Suffers from stage

SCENE 4: Bench at School

alien costumes are not too intricate.

WOLF GIRL is dressed like a human version of Hello Kitty.

In ACT ONE, SCENE 6, the TEENAGERS wear various alien costumes.

Big, clanging, booming knock

AT START: Stage is dark. INVISIBLE, ZOMBIE, WOLF GIRL,

And spectral corpses!

Welcome all ghouls, zombies and ghosts to the semi bi-annual

MONSTERS onstage applaud. Lights rise.

ZOG: Welcome monsters, one and all! I am Zog the Horrific!

MONSTERS look at one another, excitement on their faces.

SINISTERIA: ––but, don’t be nervous! We’re sure you’ll all be simply

MONSTERS cheer. WOLF GIRL steps forward.

ZOG: And you are?

SINISTERIA: (Annoyed and disappointed. A little mean.) Too much

SINISTERIA: And you are?

INVISIBLE: (Weeping.) You know what’s visible now? My shame

WOLF GIRL pops head in and out.

WOLF GIRL: Somebody say squirrel?

ZOG: Then eat them!

ZOMBIE quickly returns to line. GHOST steps forward, sheets

GHOST: (Arms wide/haunting.) My name is Murray. Six hundred

THING gently pets FRANKIE'S head.

SINISTERIA: (Eager.) Reanimated corpse. Classic!

There is a pause. FRANKIE has serious stage fright.

FRANKIE: Uhh… uh… um...

WOLF GIRL gathers FRANKIE and crosses back to the line.

ABOMINABLE hangs his head in disappointment and shame.

ZOG: (Pause.) Anyone else? (Pause.) No? I think... we’ve made a

ZOG: Gotta be honest, we‘re not looking for mimes––

Ready to scare on day one!

An audible sigh of disappointment comes from the group.

Auditioning MONSTERS murmur variations of the following: “Not

SINISTERIA: Monsters are scary. And horrible!! News flash: none of

ZOG: Really? We’re doing this?!

The last line elicits a greater bout of crying. Auditioning MONSTERS

dejectedly on couch and chairs, they sigh collectively as one: a

TASHA: (Sensing disappointment.) How’d it go?

ALL dispiritedly sigh.

HUMPHREY: Give up? Nonsense! Nobody’s giving up. We just

All MONSTERS ad-lib “No!”

MUMMY: So we’re not giving up either!

SFX: Big clanging, booming knock at the door.

ALL MONSTERS: (Startled. Ominously.) The door!

MONSTERS draw their breath in fright.

TASHA: Zombie, best not bring it up!

INVISIBLE: They were green!

SFX: Another big clanging, booming knock at the door.

ABOMINABLE: There it is again!

GHOST: What was that?

ALL MONSTERS: Woah...

ABOMINABLE: It’s the ugliest blanket I’ve ever seen!

MUMMY turns letter right-side up.

ZOMBIE: Thanks... it says, “Please take good care of baby Penny.”