STONE SOUP

by KRISTIAN KISSEL

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 STONE SOUP
By Kristian Kissel

Copyright © MMXVII by Kristian Kissel, All rights reserved.

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ISBN: 978-1-61588-389-9

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2 STONE SOUP

STONE SOUP
By Kristian Kissel

SYNOPSIS: A giant carrot grows smack-dab in the center of four different

property lines, the result of teamwork (and some scientific achievements)
between four families. Unfortunately, that teamwork has long been forgotten,
and a feud has erupted over which family actually owns the carrot. The
General claims it’s hers, since her son provided the seed. The Fargins claim it
was their growth formula, the Ornerys say their soil helped it grow so large,
and the Corneliuses say that without their specially mineralized water, it
would never be what it is today. Luckily, three mysterious strangers arrive just
in time to help the families see the error of their ways and remind them what
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teamwork is what it’s all about. A comedic and character-driven twist on a
classic story.

ce
r CAST OF CHARACTERS
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an (4 females, 5 males, 7 either)

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WALLY FURGIN (m).................................. The nerdy scientist type.

(56 lines)
BILLY FURGIN (m) .................................... Wally’s son. Not quite as nerdy
as his dad. (55 lines)
ROBOT (f/m) ................................................ The Fargin’s invention. Moves
and talks like a stereotypical
robot. (13 lines)
JUNIOR ORNERY (f/m) .............................. Child of Ellie and Thaddeus.
Southern accent. (28 lines)
JUNIOR 2 ORNERY (f/m) ........................... Child of Ellie and Thaddeus.
Southern accent. (27 lines)
ELLIE ORNERY (f) ..................................... Wife of Thaddeus. Your typical
tough Southern mother.
(33 lines)
THADDEUS ORNERY (m) ......................... Ellie’s husband and the juniors’
dad. (46 lines)
GENERAL GENERAL (f) ........................... Stiff military type. (39 lines)
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 3

CONRAD GENERAL (m) ........................... General’s son. Intentionally

refers to his mother as “sir.”
Upper teens or college-aged. (29
lines)
CRAIG CROMWELL (m)............................ Wealthy heir of his
grandfather’s fortune. (40 lines)
JEAN CROMWELL (f) ................................ Craig’s wife. (24 lines)
BELINDA CROMWELL (f) ........................ Craig and Jean’s daughter.
Home from college. (29 lines)
FRANCIS (f/m) ............................................ The Cromwell’s butler (or
maid). (13 lines)
ONE (f/m) ..................................................... Mysterious visitor. Silent, but

rm fo l the most “magical” of the three.

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(1 line)
TWO (f/m) .................................................... Mysterious visitor. The spiritual

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r member of the group. (23 lines)
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THREE (f/m) ................................................ Mysterious visitor. The

straightforward, construction
an worker-type. (30 lines)
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DURATION: 40 minutes

COSTUMES

General and Conrad wear military outfits.

Robot should wear something silvery/metallic.
The Ornerys can wear overalls, cut-off jeans and t-shirts, or something
similar.
Wally should look like your fairly stereotypical “crazy” scientist (think Doc
Brown).
Butler or maid outfit for Francis.
The Cromwells should look very chic. Nice dresses, suit and tie, etc.
As far as the visitors go, they can really look like whatever you’d like. In the
original production, we had One in a chef’s uniform, Two in a flowing dress
with lots of fake jewelry, and Three in a hard hat and tool belt.
4 STONE SOUP

MUSIC/SOUND EFFECTS

Cheesy love song

Magical sound effect

PRODUCTION HISTORY

Stone Soup had its world premiere at Live Theatre Workshop on July 22,
2016.

PROPS LIST

□
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Large camouflage net (or some type of cover)
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□ Remote control
□ Phone (or camera)

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□ Slingshot
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□ Two (2) fake birds

□ Rule book
□
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Three (3) glasses of sparkling cider
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□ Binoculars
□ Notebook
□ Tape measure
□ Pot (with hole in bottom)
□ Box (with hole in top, for pot to go on)
□ Magic trick – long handkerchief
□ Glass of water (pulled out of pot)
□ Magic trick – flowers pulled out of sleeve
□ Various kitchen utensils (pulled out of pot)
□ Apron (for Robot)
□ Rock
□ Bag of lentils
□ Letter in an envelope
□ Chopped onions
□ Container of vegetable broth
□ Chopped celery
□ Chopped tomatoes
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 5

SETTING: The stage floor has a large “+” on it, essentially dividing the
stage into four areas. At first, each family should (to the extent possible)
try to stay in their assigned quarter of the stage. Smack in the center
of the “+” is the top of a very large carrot. Somewhere offstage is a
large camouflage net (or any covering). GENERAL and CONRAD are
beneath it.

AT RISE: After a beat, WALLY FURGIN and BILLY enter. BILLY

carries a remote control, like the kind that would drive an RC car. They
look around to see if anyone is there. When they are satisfied they are
alone.

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WALLY: All right son, this is it! Bring it out!
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BILLY: Sure thing Pops!

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Both stand aside as BILLY begins to manipulate the controls on the
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remote. A ROBOT appears from upstage left and crosses center stage,
over carrot. The ROBOT moves and talks stiffly – like a stereotypical
robot.
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WALLY: That’s it, son… Not too fast now… Watch its arms… Ease it
just over the center… Perfect!
ROBOT: Arrived at destination.
BILLY: All right Robot––
WALLY: We really need to give it a better name.
BILLY: Time to do your thing! (He pushes buttons.)
ROBOT: Prepare to extract. (Bends over, grabs some of the leafy
part.)
WALLY: Wait!

ROBOT freezes.

WALLY: Son, do you realize what a big moment this is for us? The
whole world is about to marvel at OUR invention! Just wait until they
see this carrot and finally witness what our Super Special Vegetable
Growth Stuff can do!
BILLY: You know, if there’s anything that needs a new name––
6 STONE SOUP

WALLY: We are about to make the cover of Chemistry Journal! My

dream! Wally and Billy Fargin are about to become the hottest
names in the scientific community! And it won’t stop there! The
Guinness Book of Records! Farmers Weekly! Teen Scene!
BILLY: Well, I don’t think Teen Scene will really care––
WALLY: They’ll all be clamoring for an interview with US! We’ll be
known as the most gifted father-son team since the Wright Brothers!
BILLY: I don’t think they were––
WALLY: (Looking him directly in the face.) Son, I just want to take this
moment to tell you what this means to me. Just know that someday,
when the bright lights of fame are twinkling in your eyes, and we get
caught up in the emotions that accompany celebrity fortune, and

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you find that special someone, that good looking blonde from the
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entertainment world who I don’t approve of, which causes a rift
between us and results in us going our separate ways for years until

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you eventually go through a nasty tabloid break-up that leaves you
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both emotionally and financially broke and you realize that I was
right and you come back to pick up the pieces… just know, through
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it all, that at this moment, I couldn’t be prouder to call you my son.
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(He hugs him.)

BILLY: Wow. You’ve given that a lot of thought. Look, I’m proud of you
too Dad. I don’t really know about all the other stuff, though.
WALLY: (Releasing his hug. Wiping tears from his eyes.) All right son.
Time to see what this baby can do!
BILLY: Sounds good! One, two––(Just as BILLY is about to push a
button.)
WALLY: ––oh, wait! I almost forgot! We need a picture of the “magic
moment!” Get over there, son! (Takes his phone out.)
BILLY: Oh. OK, sure.

BILLY moves to stand next to ROBOT, who is still bent over, its rear
facing WALLY. BILLY poses.

WALLY: That’s great son, but don’t you want to – you know… (He
makes a “turn around” motion with his hand, indicating ROBOT.)
BILLY: Oh, right. (He pushes some buttons.)
ROBOT: Releasing target. (Lets go, stands up and turns around.)
BILLY: (Still pushing buttons.) And, picture pose…
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 7

ROBOT puts its arm up and around BILLY, squeezing him to it.

BILLY: Ah! Too tight, too tight!

WALLY runs to him and grabs the remote. He pushes some buttons
and ROBOT releases his grip a bit.

BILLY: Much better. Thanks Dad.

WALLY: One final touch.

He plays with the remote and ROBOT puts its arm in the air, hand in a

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fist. It then springs its thumb up.
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WALLY: Looking good son! Everybody say cheese!

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BILLY and ROBOT: Cheese!
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WALLY: (Snapping a picture.) Fantastic! That is refrigerator-worthy

for sure! OK, let’s get on with it.
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BILLY steps out of ROBOT’S grip and goes back to his dad, taking the
remote and moving ROBOT back into place, bent over the carrot and
grabbing the leaves.

BILLY: All right, and here we––

WALLY: You know son, if your mother were here today, she would be
just as proud as I am. Maybe more.
BILLY: Thanks, Dad.
WALLY: Go ahead.
BILLY: All right. One. Two. Th––
WALLY: You know it was your mother who originally––
ROBOT: For Pete’s sake can we get on with it already!
WALLY: Sorry! Yes, of course. What am I thinking? We need to do
this before someone sees us! Son, go for it. I’ll just stand here
silently. You know, not getting in the way or saying anything.
BILLY: Thanks.
WALLY: No problem.
BILLY: OK. One, two, th––
JUNIOR: (Off stage.) Not so fast!
8 STONE SOUP

JUNIOR and JUNIOR 2 enter. JUNIOR 2 has a slingshot aimed directly

at BILLY and WALLY. ROBOT stands up and throws its arms in the air.

ROBOT: I give up!

JUNIOR: I don’t know what exactly y’all varmints think yer doin’.
JUNIOR 2: Sure don’t look good.
JUNIOR: But y’all best git yer hands off our root vegetable.
JUNIOR 2: Yeah! Find yer own source of beta carotene! This here is
our’n!
BILLY: Well, technically, OUR hands were not on it.
WALLY: That’s correct. And, while I respect anyone’s claim to

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property, I do believe that the idea that this is yours is highly
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debatable.
JUNIOR: You can take that up with our Pa!

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JUNIOR 2: ‘Til then, skee-daddle! ‘Less you wanna git plunked!
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BILLY: OK, let’s deal with this another time, huh Dad?
WALLY: Now look here, Junior…s, this is a very big moment for my
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son and me. We’ve worked extremely hard to get here.
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BILLY: Dad, let’s just go inside, OK?

WALLY: And we really don’t want to have to do anything that we would
regret.
JUNIOR: What the devil are you talkin’ ‘bout?
JUNIOR 2: Yeah, git to the point!
WALLY: Well, I’m very sorry, but I’m afraid that we have you
outgunned. Billy?

BILLY rolls his eyes and reluctantly pushes some buttons on the
remote. ROBOT turns toward the JUNIORS and points its fingers
toward them.

WALLY: You see, Robot here is armed––

JUNIOR: Robot?
JUNIOR 2: Is that the best name y’all could drum up?
WALLY: We can set Robot’s attack system to anything from “stun” to
“annihilate,” so I suggest that you––
JUNIOR: Are you tryin’ to say that Junior 2 can’t beat this here ol’ rust
bucket?
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 9

ROBOT: Hey! Let’s watch it with the name-calling!

WALLY: Now, look, you may be a really good shot, but I’m afraid that
with your rudimentary, homemade device you’d be lucky to even––
JUNIOR: Show ‘em J.T.!

Without taking eyes off of WALLY, JUNIOR 2 points the slingshot

straight up and shoots. (NOTE: Nothing is in the slingshot, it’s just
mimed.) There is a long pause. BILLY looks up. Nothing happens.

BILLY: Dad, what’s going on?

WALLY: Not sure, son. (Back to the JUNIORS.) Now see here. I’m
not sure what exactly you’re trying to pull, but as I was saying––

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Suddenly, a bird (preferably a rubber chicken) falls from the sky.

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WALLY: Well, that is certainly impressive. Nice shot. Still, you’ve used
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up all your ammunition, so how do you possibly expect to––

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A second bird falls and lands on stage.
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JUNIOR: (Picking up the birds.) Two birds, one stone.

JUNIOR 2: Ma ain’t had to buy meat in a looong time.
WALLY: Point made. Still, I believe that Robot here––
ROBOT: (Turns.) Leave me out of it. I never signed up for this! (Exits.)
BILLY: I didn’t see that coming. (He follows ROBOT off.)
WALLY: I told you we made it too independent! Look, why don’t you
just have your father come and see me, OK? We can sit down, have
a drink, and discuss this like adults.
JUNIOR: Fine.
JUNIOR 2: Fine.
WALLY: Good. Just have him stop by when he’s ready.
JUNIOR: Fine.
JUNIOR 2: Fine.
WALLY: OK. I’ll just… bye. (He exits. Pause.)
JUNIOR: That feller sure is odd.
JUNIOR 2: That there is an understatement.
ELLIE: (From offstage.) Juniors! Supper’s on! Where in tarnation did
ya get to?
10 STONE SOUP

JUNIOR: Over here, Ma. By the carrot.

ELLIE: (Entering.) I have been lookin’ all over creation for the two of
you! What on Earth are you doin’ over here? You haven’t seen any
critters tryin’ to get to it, have ya?
JUNIOR: Sorta.
ELLIE: What? We gotta tell yer Pa! He just treated the soil yesterday!
JUNIOR 2: Not that kind, Ma. Two-legged critters!
ELLIE: Ah! The Fargins at it again?
JUNIOR: Yup.
ELLIE: They still got that robot?
JUNIOR 2: Yeah.
ELLIE: They ain’t given it a better name yet?

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JUNIOR: Nope.
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ELLIE: That’s a shame. Well, ya’ll c’mon. Supper’s gettin’ cold. I
cooked up that fish that J.T. got last week, and it… (She starts

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looking around distractedly.) is… gonna… be… delicious…
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JUNIOR: Um, Ma?

JUNIOR 2: Somethin’ wrong?
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JUNIOR: You’re all spacey.
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JUNIOR 2: Yeah. What’s goin’ on?

ELLIE: Shh! (Pause.) You hear that?
JUNIOR and JUNIOR 2: (Pause.) No.
ELLIE: Exactly! Juniors, it don’t sound like there’s anyone within a
hundred yards of this here place.
JUNIOR: It is kinda peaceful.
ELLIE: Y’all thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
JUNIOR 2: Yup. That Duck Dynasty [Or any other popular show.]
marathon is gonna be awesome!
ELLIE: Yes. Yes, it is J.T. But that ain’t what’s on my mind. I’m thinkin’
we ought’a start diggin’.
JUNIOR: Oh yeah. (Pause.) Fer what?
ELLIE: The carrot, Junior.
JUNIOR: Oh! Ya mean you wanna─?
JUNIOR 2: Yer gonna make the Fargins awful mad.
JUNIOR: And the Generals.
JUNIOR 2: And the Cromwells.
ELLIE: Children! If we can get that carrot, then yer Pa can take it to
the store and everyone can see how amazin’ Thaddeus Ornery’s
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 11

Organic Soil is. And then maybe they’ll start to sell it at them stores,
and yer Pa can start makin’ some real money, and the Ornerys can
finally move to Beverly Hills, where we belong!
JUNIOR: I don’t know Ma…
ELLIE: We’ll have to deal with everyone else later, Junior. This… this
is fer yer Daddy.
JUNIOR: Fer Pa!
JUNIOR 2: Fer Pa!
ELLIE: Start diggin’!

They move toward the carrot. Before they even get a step or two,
GENERAL GENERAL and her son, CONRAD, step out from under the

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netting and onto the stage. They are both dressed in military clothing.
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GENERAL: STOP digging!

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ELLIE: Diggin’ what?
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JUNIOR: We ain’t diggin’ nothin’!

JUNIOR 2: Yeah, not even the carrot.
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JUNIOR nudges JUNIOR 2.

JUNIOR 2: What?
GENERAL: Nice try Mrs. Ornery, but we heard the whole thing.
Conrad?
CONRAD: We have a violation of neighborhood code 42 dash 5,
section 2. Conspiracy to remove vegetational property from an area
or land not belonging to the perpetrator.
ELLIE: Now, now, we ain’t perpetrated nothin’. And besides, this here
carrot is clearly on property that does belong to us!
GENERAL: Mrs. Ornery, I believe if you take another look, you will
see that the carrot is clearly on the property belonging to me!
ELLIE: Now, General––
GENERAL: I will also remind you that it was Conrad here who
provided the seed.
ELLIE: We all know––
GENERAL: Right Conrad?
12 STONE SOUP

CONRAD: Yes, sir! I acquired the seed exactly 47 days ago at oh-
nine-fifteen hours from the hippie-ish librarian at school whom you
don’t exactly care for, sir!
GENERAL: Right! All of it! I’m not sure exactly what that guy puts in
those seeds to make them grow so big, and I don’t want to. Don’t
ask, don’t tell, understand?
CONRAD, JUNIORS and ELLIE: Understood.
GENERAL: What I do know is that 47 days after Conrad here acquired
this seed, we have one behemoth parsnip!
ELLIE: It’s a carrot.
GENERAL: Semantics…
ELLIE: No, actually they’re different––

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GENERAL: Do not interrupt me, ma’am!
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ELLIE: I didn’t.
GENERAL: Semantics…

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ELLIE: That’s not what that means.
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GENERAL: In any case, possession is how much of the law? Conrad?

CONRAD: Nine-tenths, sir.
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GENERAL: Nine-tenths, Mrs. Ornery. And that is a law that isn’t even
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in the neighborhood code.

CONRAD: Actually, it is, sir.
GENERAL: Not now, Conrad.
CONRAD: Sorry, sir.
GENERAL: That is a law, ma’am, that dates back to the 16th century.
So, given that the seed was clearly in our possession––
ELLIE: But, the carrot was not!

GENERAL looks over at CONRAD, who frantically flips through a book

he’s holding. CONRAD looks up.

CONRAD: She’s got us there, sir.

 KRISTIAN KISSEL 13

GENERAL: Hmm! (Softly, to Conrad.) At the next neighborhood

meeting, remind me to propose an amendment: whatever a seed
becomes is still the property of whoever owned the seed, no matter
where it is planted. Got that?
CONRAD: Noted, sir.
GENERAL: All right, Mrs. Ornery. You win this round. But I warn you,
do not try to pull that vegetable from the ground!
ELLIE: Well, we was just gonna have supper anyway. Right, Juniors?
JUNIOR: Yup.
JUNIOR 2: Yup.
ELLIE: Fish. No carrots involved. J, JT, let’s go.
GENERAL: Very well. Just the same, I will leave Conrad here to guard

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the vegetable in question.
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CONRAD: Um, I have homework, sir.
GENERAL: Later, Conrad. (Quietly, to ELLIE.) I don’t understand that

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new math anyway.
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ELLIE: Me neither. C’mon, Juniors. (They exit.)

GENERAL: Son, if necessary, you guard this carrot with your life!
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America (Or “your country.”) needs you. Understood?
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CONRAD: (Not so sure.) Yes, sir.

GENERAL: Excellent! If you need me, use your radio.
CONRAD: Roger, sir.
GENERAL: I’ll be inside polishing my boots. (Pauses. Looks down at
boots.) Again.
CONRAD: Got it, sir.
GENERAL: Very well. Good lad! (Exits.)

CONRAD is left alone. At first, he stands very stiff and alert. Gradually,
his posture slackens. He starts to nod off, wakes up, nods off, etc.
Finally, he falls to the floor, curls up in a ball, and sleeps.

After a moment, CRAIG, JEAN, and BELINDA enter. BELINDA ends

up closest to center stage, facing away from the carrot. FRANCIS,
follows. As they talk, FRANCIS hands out glasses of sparkling cider to
each of them.

CRAIG: Sweetie, I am SO delighted that you were able to come home

for a visit!
14 STONE SOUP

JEAN: Yes! Your professors weren’t too upset, were they?

BELINDA: No mother. I have straight As, remember?
CRAIG: Well, you’d better! Why do you think I donate so much money
to the school?

CRAIG and JEAN laugh.

BELINDA: Actually, I work really hard…

JEAN: (Blowing her off.) Of course you do, sweetie!
BELINDA: But I do. Just last week in Art class I sculpted a─
CRAIG: Francis, we need some celebratory drinks! Sparkling cider,
please.

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FRANCIS: They’re in your hands, sir.
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CRAIG: Oh! Would you look at that! Francis, you are the best!
FRANCIS: Thank you, Mr. Cromwell.

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BELINDA: So, what exactly are we celebrating, Dad?
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JEAN: Oh, it is a very special family achievement, honey!

CRAIG: Yes! If your Great Grandfather Archibald Cromwell were here
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today, to see just what his specially mineralized water was capable
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of producing, why he would just be beside himself!

JEAN: (Getting emotional.) Oh it’s just so wonderful!

JEAN moves to CRAIG and hugs him.

CRAIG: It sure is, petunia. Isn’t this special, Francis?

FRANCIS: Indeed, sir.
CRAIG: Well said, old boy.
BELINDA: OK, so… is someone ready to tell me what this special
thing is?
JEAN: (Pulling away and straightening up.) Oh my, excuse me dear!
Of course, of course. (Pause.) Belinda sweetie, turn around.

BELINDA turns and her eyes go wide as she looks down at the carrot.

BELINDA: Oh - my - gosh!
CRAIG: Incredible, right? Isn’t it incredible, Francis?
FRANCIS: Truly, sir.
CRAIG: You said it!
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 15

BELINDA: Is that a––?

JEAN: Yep, it’s a carrot! Can you believe it?
BELINDA: It’s… it’s huge!
JEAN: We know!
BELINDA: And you guys grew this?
CRAIG: Indeed we did! I had water from our family well specially
diverted this way to irrigate it.
BELINDA: And this is what happened? Mom, Dad, that’s incredible!
Exactly how big is it?
JEAN: Record-setting, probably. We can’t really be sure, of course,
because most of it is underground.
BELINDA: Well, let’s find out right now!

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BELINDA moves to JEAN and hands her back the glass.

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JEAN: Oh, sugar, we can’t––
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BELINDA: Of course we can! (Crossing to the carrot.) This is a

remarkable achievement! Let’s pull it up right now!
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At that, CONRAD sits up quickly. He does so in such a way that he is

not initially facing CROMWELLS.

CONRAD: What!? (He stands and turns to face BELINDA.) Do NOT

pull that carr––

Light change. BELINDA’S and CONRAD’S eyes meet, and the chorus
of a cheesy love song plays. After a few moments, we hear a needle-
scratching sound as:

JEAN: Conrad! Why, I didn’t even see you there!

CONRAD: (Still looking at BELINDA.) I mean, um, please… pretty
please… if you’d be so kind… to not pull the carrot, I would
appreciate it.
BELINDA: (Equally tranced.) Oh. I see. OK.
CRAIG: Belinda, honeybunch, I don’t believe you’ve met Conrad. He’s
the General’s son. They moved in while you were away.
BELINDA: A General moved in next door? Wow!
JEAN: Well, her last name is General.
16 STONE SOUP

CRAIG: And her first.

BELINDA: Oh. That’s an unusual name. So she’s not a real General?
JEAN: Oh no, she definitely is.
BELINDA: So, she’s General General General?
CONRAD: Yeah. My grandparents had high hopes.
BELINDA: Guess it worked.
CONRAD: Yeah.

They stare at each other for a moment and sigh.

CRAIG: So, Connie my boy, what are you doing out here?
CONRAD: Huh? Well, my mom asked me to stay out here and guard

rm fo l
the carrot. I guess I must have fallen asleep. You won’t tell, will you?
rfo ot sa
CRAIG: Goodness no! Mum’s the word. Right Francis?

ce
FRANCIS makes a zipping-mouth-shut motion. CRAIG laughs out
r
pe N ru

loud.
an
CRAIG: Ha-ha! This guy…
Pe

JEAN: Protect the carrot? My heavens! From who?

CONRAD: The Ornerys, ma’am.
JEAN: Oh, I was afraid of this. Dear, you’ll just have to go have a word
with Thaddeus!
CRAIG: Yes, I suppose I will.
BELINDA: Why? Mom, what’s going on?
JEAN: Well, dear, you see, there is a little bit of a debate about whose
carrot this actually is.
BELINDA: But I thought you told me that you guys grew it.
JEAN: Of course we did.
CRAIG: Well, your great grandfather’s water did, anyway.
JEAN: But some of the neighbors, you see, they decided to contribute
some of their own things.
CRAIG: The Fargins cooked up some vitamin concoction in that lab of
theirs…
JEAN: And Mr. Ornery planted it in some of that special soil of his.
You know, that smelly stuff that he sells at farmers’ markets.
CONRAD: And I provided the seed!
BELINDA: (Turning to him, dreamily.) You did?
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 17

CONRAD: Yeah. I got it at school.

BELINDA: And you brought it home and planted it here so that
everyone could share it?
CONRAD: (Pause.) Uhhhhhhhh… (Obviously lying.) Yes! Yes, I did!
BELINDA: You are SO thoughtful!
CONRAD: I know, right?
FRANCIS: Ahem. Excuse me sir, but it’s time for your massages.
CRAIG: Oh, look at the time! We don’t want to keep Dolores waiting!

CRAIG and FRANCIS exit.

JEAN: (Crossing to BELINDA.) She is going to be SO excited to see

rm fo l
you pumpkin!
rfo ot sa
BELINDA: You know, why don’t I stay here and help Conrad guard
the carrot?

ce
CONRAD: Awesome!
r
pe N ru

JEAN: Oh, don’t be silly! We have so much catching up to do!

an
She starts to lead BELINDA away. As she does, BELINDA keeps
Pe

looking back at CONRAD.

BELINDA: But we Skype [Or insert FaceTime, or whatever.] every

night. You insist.
JEAN: It’s not the same thing! Come on, we’ll have tea, get manicures,
have our hair done, (Ad-libs until they are gone.)
CONRAD: Well, I guess I should go tell my mother about her. I mean,
this. This situation… with the carrot… is what I need to report.
(Pauses, then he runs off quickly.)
18 STONE SOUP

Shortly after he’s off, ONE, TWO and THREE enter. TWO leads the
way, looking around, closing eyes, sniffing the air, etc. THREE follows,
looking through binoculars, jotting some notes, maybe taking some
measurements, etc. ONE (wearing a chef’s smock and hat) stands
upstage holding a large pot and a box that the pot will go on.

TWO: (Standing downstage center, “feeling” the air.) Yes, this is the
place. I can just feel it.
THREE: Sure. Good a place as any.
TWO: I sense a great deal of disagreement here.
THREE: OK, Obi Wan. Where do we settle?
TWO: One, what do you think?

rm fo l
THREE: One just wants to put the pot down. She just needs you to tell
rfo ot sa
her where.
TWO: Let’s see… (Wanders upstage center.) Here. Right here.

ce
(Motions to the top of the “+” upstage center.) This is it. (Two
r
pe N ru

crosses downstage center and sits in a “meditation” pose.)

an
ONE puts the box down and sets the pot next to it. She sits on the box,
Pe

fans herself, then pulls a really long handkerchief from somewhere

small (perhaps a shirt pocket) and wipes the sweat from her brow. She
then opens the pot and takes from it an upright glass of water and
drinks. When she’s done, she puts it back.

She then proceeds to place the pot on top of the box. THREE continues
to check out the area, takes notes, etc. ROBOT enters, followed by
BILLY. ROBOT stops, turns, and sits on the ground, full back. BILLY
then sits up against ROBOT’S back.

BILLY: (Sigh.) Someday, Robot, we’ll have our day in the sun.
THREE: Trouble, partner?
BILLY: (Standing, startled.) Oh my gosh! I didn’t see you there.
THREE: Oh, no worries. We can’t all be aware of our surroundings.
Besides, it’s not like there are three of us or anything, one with a
giant pot and another sitting right in front of you…
BILLY: (Laughs.) I guess I’ve got my mind on some other things…
THREE: Understandable. (He goes back to his work.)
BILLY: So, um, who are you?
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 19

THREE: We are surveyors. We’re just, you know, checking things out.
BILLY: Surveying?
THREE: You got it.
BILLY: Well, does anyone know you’re here?
THREE: Yeah. You.
BILLY: I don’t remember––
THREE: Well, you and your friend there.
BILLY: Oh, that’s not a friend. Well, not a person friend. It’s just Robot.

BILLY manipulates the buttons so ROBOT stands and turns.

THREE: Robot?

rm fo l
BILLY: I know, I know…
rfo ot sa
ONE goes over to ROBOT and circles it once, looking it up and down.

ce
ROBOT stares straight ahead. Once she’s done, she makes a flower
r
pe N ru

appear and hands it to ROBOT.

an
BILLY: Oh, it can’t––
Pe

ROBOT: (Taking the flower.) Oh my. It is lovely.

BILLY: (Pauses.) Hm. Robot, you don’t even know what that is. We
never programmed you to––
ROBOT: (Smelling them.) Mmm. Roses [Or any flower.] My favorite.
They smell delightful.
BILLY: (Pauses. Looks at Three.) That’s new.
TWO: (Suddenly opens her eyes and stands.) It’s time. (She exits.)

ONE starts to pull utensils out of the pot - a wooden spoon, a whisk, a
knife, an apron, etc. There should be more things than it appears could
fit in the pot.

BILLY: (Watching her off.) Umm, time for what?

THREE: Time for One here to make her famous soup.
BILLY: Soup?
THREE: You betcha.
BILLY: But I thought you guys were just land surveyors.
THREE: Oh we are. And surveying land works up the ol’ appetite,
know what I mean? (Laughs. Slaps BILLY on the back.)
20 STONE SOUP

BILLY: He-he. Yeah. And, where did she go then?

THREE: Oh, Two went to get the ingredient.
BILLY: Ingredients?
THREE: Ingredient, yeah.
BILLY: Ingredients?
THREE: That’s what I said – ingredient.
BILLY: Like singular? One ingredient?
THREE: Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
BILLY: Oh, I can’t. I mean, my dad – he’s making dinner tonight.
THREE: Suit yourself.
BILLY: You know, Robot, maybe we should get go––

rm fo l
He turns around to see ROBOT standing over the pot next to ONE,
rfo ot sa
apron on and wooden spoon in hand.

ce
BILLY: How did you do that?
r
pe N ru

ONE holds up the remote. BILLY looks down at his hands, shocked
an
that he doesn’t have it.
Pe

TWO: (Enters carrying a rock.) It’s perfect! (Crossing up to ONE.) Just

perfect! (Showing it to ROBOT.) I found it just over the hill. (To
ROBOT.) What do you think?
ROBOT: Excellent choice.
TWO: Your new friend seems very nice.

ONE nods and smiles.

TWO: Here you are dear.

ONE takes the rock from TWO, and slowly places it in the pot. They all
look at it. Pause.

BILLY: That’s it?

TWO: What?
BILLY: That’s the one ingredient? A rock?
TWO: Oh, yes. Just wait until you see what One here can do with it.
Delicious, my friend!
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 21

THREE: I tried to tell him…

BILLY: But I’ve never seen – I mean, soup usually has – you know –
other stuff in it.
TWO: Other… stuff?
BILLY: Yeah…
ROBOT: I know a wonderful recipe for soup which includes lentils. I
shall proceed to the pantry to obtain some. (Exits.)
BILLY: Dad does make a pretty mean lentil soup. I’ll go see if Robot
needs help. (He starts to go, but stops when he hears THADDEUS.)
THADDEUS: (From offstage.) Wallace? You out here?
BILLY: It’s Mr. Ornery.

rm fo l
THADDEUS enters with JUNIOR and JUNIOR 2.
rfo ot sa
THADDEUS: All right, Wallace, my kids here tell me you’d like to have

ce
a word or two about the - (Stops. He sees ONE, TWO, and THREE.)
r
pe N ru

Who are y’all?

THREE: Land surveyor, sir. (Shakes his hand.) We won’t be long.
an
THADDEUS: I see. (Pauses. Looks THREE up and down, not letting
Pe

go for a while.) J.T., keep yer eye on this here feller.

JUNIOR 2: Sure thing, Pa. (Crosses next to THREE, pulls out
slingshot, aims it toward THREE, and stays frozen like that.)
TWO: Mr. Ornery, you’re just in time! Could I interest you in some
soup?
THADDEUS: Soup? No, (Indicating BILLY.) I just need to talk to that
Fargin kid’s dad.
TWO: Language, Mr. Ornery! There’s no need for name-calling!
THADDEUS: What the blazes are you talkin’ ‘bout?

ROBOT re-enters carrying a bag of lentils and crosses over to ONE

and the pot. WALLY follows, crosses to BILLY.

WALLY: Billy, what on Earth is going on? Why is Robot taking all my
lentils? And why is it dressed like that?
THADDEUS: All right, Wallace, you got me here. What ’ya want?
WALLY: Thaddeus! Hi! I’m glad you came over! Would you like to
come in?
THADDEUS: No.
22 STONE SOUP

WALLY: (Slight pause.) OK. Well, you see Thaddeus… Thad. Can I
call you Thad?
THADDEUS: No.
WALLY: All right. That’s fine. You see––
THADDEUS: The Juniors here tell me you was tryin’ to pull up my
carrot out the ground.
WALLY: Well, I guess… technically… that would be correct.
THADDEUS: You ought not do that.
WALLY: Yes, I knew you would say that. But you see, in all fairness,
Thad – Thaddeus, sorry – we don’t really agree that this carrot is
yours.
THADDEUS: I s’pose yer gonna spout off again ‘bout yer mumbo

rm fo l
jumbo vitamins.
rfo ot sa
WALLY: Now, now, it’s not exactly mumbo jumbo, Thaddeus.
THADDEUS: That carrot is nowhere near that big if’n it ain’t in my soil!

ce
WALLY: Your––psssh! You think–– (Continues ad-libbing.)
r
pe N ru

THADDEUS: That soil took me years to develop!

an
They start arguing/yelling at each other over the carrot. After a bit, ONE
Pe

wafts the air over the pot and blows the scent in their direction. There
is a “magic” sound and lights flicker. They immediately stop arguing.

WALLY: What is that smell?

THADDEUS: Some kinda soup. The surveyors here are makin’ it.
WALLY: Surveyors? Oh, I didn’t even realize you were here.
THREE: (Looking at BILLY.) Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does
it?
BILLY: Guess not.
JUNIOR 2: You hush, mister.
WALLY: (Crossing upstage center.) You’re cooking what now? Is that
why you wanted all my – Robot, is that all you have in there?
Lentils? And – a rock? What is that doing in––
TWO: Would you like a taste Wallace?
WALLY: Wally. Since when is cooking in a land surveyor’s job
description?
TWO: Wally! How fun! Why, you’ll find that One is one of the best
cooks you’ve ever known.
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 23

ONE shrugs and smiles.

TWO: Just take a taste!

WALLY: Well, you can’t just – I mean, all there is are lentils! You need
olive oil and some onions first. You know, I think I have some in the
kitchen. Billy, come help.

BILLY and WALLY exit.

THADDEUS: You know, I ain’t never seen a dry soup. That ain’t
actually a soup. That’s just – cooked stuff.
TWO: Mr. Ornery, I assure you, once you try this, your taste buds will

rm fo l
dance with delight!
rfo ot sa
THADDEUS: I’m not sure I want my taste buds dancin’. But, if you’re
gonna cook soup, ya might as well cook soup. Ya know, my wife

ce
Ellie makes her own vegetable broth.
r
pe N ru

TWO: Does she now?

THADDEUS: Might be just the thing you need.
an
TWO: Really!? One, what do you think? Should we try Mrs. Ornery’s
Pe

vegetable broth?

ONE nods.

THADDEUS: Juniors, go tell yer mama we need three or four quarts

of that vegetable broth she makes. I know she’s got some stored
up.
JUNIOR: Sure thing, Pa! C’mon J.T.
JUNIOR 2: OK, (To THREE.) but I’m warnin’ you mister! I can shoot a
ground squirrel blind right ‘tween the eyes from three hunnerd yards
away! So don’t try no funny bizness!

JUNIORS exit. JUNIOR 2 backing out, eyes still on THREE.

THADDEUS: Sometimes, I think that kid ain’t right.

THREE: You don’t say…
THADDEUS: I did say it.
THREE: I know.
THADDEUS: Then why’d ya say I didn’t?
24 STONE SOUP

THREE: You know, I am just going to go over here and see if they
need any help. (Crosses upstage center.)

CRAIG enters with FRANCIS following.

CRAIG: Thaddeus! My dear fellow, I thought I heard you out here! My

my, who are your friends?
THADDEUS: They ain’t my friends. They’re the land surveyors. Well,
them three are anyway. That one there’s the Fargin’s robot.
CRAIG: Oh, yes, Robot. They still haven’t given it a better name?
THADDEUS: Nope.
CRAIG: Tsk, tsk. Poor thing.

rm fo l
THADDEUS: What ya want Cromwell?
rfo ot sa
CRAIG: Oh, of course. Well, you see, I have an urgent matter to
discuss. I didn’t want to seem too brash, or come across as too

ce
strong and demanding––
r
pe N ru

THADDEUS: You couldn’t if ya tried.

CRAIG: Oh, thank you.
an
THADDEUS: Not a compliment.
Pe

CRAIG: I see. In any case, I took the trouble to express my concerns

in a letter. Francis?
FRANCIS: Very good, sir. (He hands THADDEUS the letter.)
THADDEUS: Lemme guess, this here letter says somethin’ ‘bout how
due to the carrot growin’ so big on account’a yer special mineralized
water, you believe it’s yers. Am I right?
CRAIG: Umm, well…

CRAIG looks back at FRANCIS, who shrugs.

CRAIG: Perhaps you should read the letter.

 KRISTIAN KISSEL 25

THADDEUS: (Sighs.) All right. (He opens the letter, and reads) “Dear
Mr. Ornery, Due to the fact that the carrot grew so big on account
of our special mineralized water, I believe it is ours.” Gee Mr.
Cromwell, I would’a never guessed.
CRAIG: So there you have it. We fully intend to use that carrot to
promote Grandfather’s water. Sales have been slipping lately…
THADDEUS: Well, I fully intend to use that carrot to get stores to sell
my soil! Which is the real reason it’s that big in the first place!
CRAIG: Poppycock! Francis, help me out here.
FRANCIS: Yes, poppycock indeed, sir!
CRAIG: Take that, Thaddeus!
THADDEUS: Oooh, I’m scared.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
The three of them begin to argue. Again, ONE makes a wafting motion
and blows the scent in their direction. “Magic” sound, flickering lights.

ce
r
pe N ru

CRAIG: I say, Francis do you smell something?

FRANCIS: Indeed I do, sir. It seems to be emanating from that large
pot.
an
Pe

CRAIG: Ah, yes. Very astute of you Francis.

FRANCIS: Thank you, sir.
THADDEUS: They’re cookin’ soup. Well, it ain’t soup yet. When Ellie
gits here, it’ll be soup.

WALLY enters with BILLY carrying a bag of chopped onions. BILLY

has tears streaming down his face.

WALLY: All right. Billy here has been chopping onions––

BILLY: (Through his tears.) Three of them.
WALLY: And I have plenty, but we need to sauté them first. May I?

ONE nods. She and ROBOT make room, and WALLY places the
onions into the pot.
26 STONE SOUP

CRAIG: You know Wally, my friend, you may want to consider tossing
some celery in that skillet, too. Onions alone and none of us will
want to be near each other. (Laughs, makes a “bad breath” motion
in front of his mouth.) Right Francis?
FRANCIS: Ha-ha, sir.
CRAIG: See, he gets it.
WALLY: Darnit! Celery! I completely forgot! Billy, I need you to go
chop up some celery and bring it back, pronto.
BILLY: (Still crying.) I’ll… I’ll try.
CRAIG: Now, now, boy it’s just celery. You know what? Don’t worry
about it! We’ll go get some. Francis loves to chop vegetables, don’t
you Francis?

rm fo l
FRANCIS: It’s like Christmas for me, sir.
rfo ot sa
CRAIG: We will be back in a jiffy! (They exit.)
WALLY: You know, a jiffy is an actual amount of time.

ce
r
pe N ru

ONE looks interested.

an
WALLY: It differs depending on the field of study, but in any case, he
Pe

could never actually be back that fast.

GENERAL enters with CONRAD following.

GENERAL: Thaddeus Ornery, may I have a word with you, sir?

THADDEUS: I am one popular feller today!
GENERAL: (Seeing the others.) Hello Wallace. Hello William. Who
are your friends?
BILLY: (Crying.) They’re land surveyors.
GENERAL: No need to be upset, son. They have a job to do just like
everyone else.
THADDEUS: All right, General, I’ve heard everyone else’s argument.
Let’s hear yours.
GENERAL: Mr. Ornery, I regret to inform you that a short time ago, at
approximately sixteen hundred hours, Conrad and I executed a
successful stakeout which resulted in the witnessing of your wife
and children attempting to pull my carrot from the ground. This act
is clearly in violation of the neighborhood code.
THADDEUS: Yeah, she told me.
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 27

GENERAL: Ah! I see. Then I assume you are aware of and ready to
accept the consequences.
THADDEUS: Well, I don’t reckon there’s gonna be any consequences.
GENERAL: Excuse me?
THADDEUS: Well, seein’ as how that there is our carrot to begin with,
I don’t reckon she was doin’ anything wrong.
GENERAL: May I remind you, sir, that my son, Conrad, received that
seed from his school’s seed library and––

ONE wafts scent in GENERAL’S direction. “Magic” sound, lights flicker.

GENERAL stops suddenly and sniffs the air.

rm fo l
THADDEUS: (Not again.) It’s soup.
rfo ot sa
GENERAL: Soup? I thought so. My nose was just as good as any of
the canines’ in my unit.

ce
THREE: General, I think you’ll be very pleased.
r
pe N ru

GENERAL: It does have a quite pleasant smell. (Sniffs the air.) Lentils.
(Sniffs.) Onions. (Sniffs. Pauses, she looks puzzled.) Is that a rock?
an
TWO: My, my, General! You weren’t kidding! That is very impressive!
Pe

Would you like to try some?

GENERAL: I believe your recipe could be improved upon, ma’am.
TWO: Oh, really? Do tell…
GENERAL: I’m picking up the noticeable absence of tomatoes in your
dish.
TWO: Tomatoes! Why, I never thought of that! How about you, One?

ONE shakes her head.

GENERAL: Conrad, I shall embark upon a rescue mission to save this

soup from being bland. I need you to remain in your position and be
my eyes and ears on the ground.
CONRAD: Yes, sir! I’ll do my best sir!
GENERAL: I know you will, son. (She exits.)

ELLIE and the JUNIORS enter.

ELLIE: Hey Thaddeus, I got the veggie broth you wanted–– (Stops,
notices everyone else.)
28 STONE SOUP

THADDEUS: They’re land surveyors. They’re cookin’ soup. It’s weird,

I know. That’s what we need the broth for.
ELLIE: Oh, I see. Kinda. (Crosses up to the pot.) Well tarnation, looks
we was just in time! Junior, git over here with that there broth.
JUNIOR: Got it, Ma. (Crosses to pot.)
JUNIOR 2: (Standing next to THREE, staring him down.) Hey Pa, ya
still need me ta keep my eye on this feller?
THADDEUS: No, J.T., I think he’s OK.
JUNIOR 2: Very well. But just remember: one false move and plunk!
THREE: Got it, son.

FRANCIS, CRAIG, JEAN, and BELINDA all enter. FRANCIS carries

rm fo l
the celery, which he takes to the pot.
rfo ot sa
JEAN: Oh, my! You’re right dear! What a lovely affair! And the smell

ce
is just heavenly!
r
pe N ru

CONRAD: Hi Belinda!
BELINDA: Oh, hey Conrad!
an
Pe

GENERAL re-enters and crosses to the pot.

GENERAL: I’m pleased to report that I have the tomatoes. Fresh from
the garden!
WALLY: Great! Bring them over! This is really starting to come
together!
ELLIE: It’s gonna be right delicious! Just need to let it simmer fer a bit.
GENERAL: (Sniffing.) At this point, the only thing that seems to be
missing is spice.
BELINDA: Oooh, that sounds great! (Looking at CONRAD.) I’d love
some spice in my life.
CONRAD: (Slightly embarrassed.) Yeah…
JEAN: Cumin! I just love cumin.
WALLY: That would be perfect!
THADDEUS: Probably needs a pinch a salt, too.
CRAIG: Of course! Francis, go back to the house and get the cumin
and salt, would you old chap?
FRANCIS: (Obviously not wanting to do it.) Of course sir. (He starts to
exit.)
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 29

CRAIG: You are the best Francis!

FRANCIS: (As he’s exiting.) Thank you, sir.
ELLIE: Cilantro! It could use some cilantro.
JEAN: Oh, perfect! And some coriander, too!
ELLIE: Good thinkin’! You fetch the coriander, I’ll fetch the cilantro.
C’mon Junior!

ELLIE, JUNIOR, and JEAN all exit.

WALLY: Do they know––?

THADDEUS: Nope.
CRAIG: I have a brilliant idea! I’m going to have the yard crew bring

rm fo l
down our picnic tables from the house and we will all enjoy the soup
rfo ot sa
together!
THADDEUS: Now that’s a right neighborly idea! Ya know, lettuce has

ce
been awful plentiful this year. We must have four or five diff’rent
r
pe N ru

kinds in the garden. I reckon Ellie and I can make a right nice salad!
GENERAL: I enjoy bread with my soup as well. I happen to keep a
an
couple loaves on hand at all times. Never know when you’re going
Pe

to need it.
WALLY: That sounds perfect! Hey, Junior 2, when Billy and I first
moved in, do you remember that watermelon punch you brought
over for us?
JUNIOR 2: Do I? We got a whole jug in the fridge!
WALLY: That was delicious! It would go perfect with this dish!
JUNIOR 2: I’ll go git some! (Exits.)
WALLY: Great! This is going to be so fun! Hey Billy, why don’t you go
to the house and get all the dishes you can. Bowls, plates, cups,
silverware.
BILLY: (Sniffling just a little.) Sure, I think I can do that.
THADDEUS: You feelin’ better, boy?
BILLY: Oh, yeah. It was just the onions. They really stung. (He wipes
his eyes.) But, it’s all better–– (He looks at his hands and starts
screaming. He runs off.)
WALLY: Um, Robot, how about you go give him a hand.
ROBOT: On my way. (Exits.)
CRAIG: Well, this is just wonderful! Lots to prepare for!
30 STONE SOUP

WALLY: The soup is simmering nicely. By the time we all get back,
it’ll be perfect!
THADDEUS: Sure will be nice! I’ll tell ya, I don’t remember us gettin’
together like this in a right long time. Why, the last time was before
the––

Pause. They all stop and stare down at the carrot. After a moment:

TWO: You know, I’m no expert. One is the real chef here, but it seems
to me that there may be one more ingredient that this dish needs.
THREE: Yeah. One last thing. To make it just perfect, you know?
THADDEUS: (Looking at the others.) Why don’t y’all come with me?

rm fo l
I’m gonna go git a shovel!
rfo ot sa
CRAIG: I’d be delighted!
WALLY: Let’s do it!

ce
GENERAL: Agreed! r
pe N ru

They all exit, following THADDEUS out. As they exit, THADDEUS

speaks.
an
Pe

THADDEUS: Juniors, Ellie, there’s gonna be some fine eatin’ tonight!

The others ad-lib, cheering their agreement as they exit.

BELINDA: Well, this certainly is exciting!

CONRAD: Yeah. Great!
BELINDA: Moving all those tables is going to be hard work. I’d better
see if they need a hand.
CONRAD: Right. Sure.

BELINDA starts to go. CONRAD stops her.

CONRAD: Belinda. (She turns.) I’d be happy to help.

BELINDA: I’d love that.

CONRAD crosses to BELINDA. She puts her hand out. He takes it and
they exit together. This leaves just ONE, TWO, and THREE together
upstage. ONE is in the middle, with TWO and THREE on each side of
 KRISTIAN KISSEL 31

her. ONE puts her hands out, and TWO and THREE each give her a
high-five. They slowly start to exit. As they walk, they speak.

THREE: Good work, all. Where to next?

TWO: New York. Supposedly, there’s a businessman and a former
Secretary of State who don’t quite see eye-to-eye. [This line can be
replaced with any relevant situation in the news at the time.]
THREE: That’s not gonna be fun.
TWO: No, I don’t imagine it will be.

Blackout.

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THE END

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NOTES:
STONE SOUP
by Kristian Kissel
Type: One Act
Genre: Comedy
Duration: 40 minutes
Cast: 4 females, 5 males, 7 either

A giant carrot grows smack-dab in the center of four dif-

ferent property lines, the result of teamwork (and some
scientific achievements) between four families. Unfor-
tunately, that teamwork has long been forgotten, and a
feud has erupted over which family actually owns the
carrot. The General claims it’s hers, since her son pro-
vided the seed. The Fargins claim it was their growth for-
mula, the Ornerys say their soil helped it grow so large,
and the Corneliuses say that without their specially min-
eralized water, it would never be what it is today. Luckily,
three mysterious strangers arrive just in time to help the
families see the error of their ways and remind them what
teamwork is what it’s all about. A comedic and character-
driven twist on a classic story.

ISBN: 978-1-61588-389-9