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Samantha Alvarado

ENG394

Dr. Bacino

7 November 2018

The Addiction That Defines Us

Since I could remember, it was known that my dad was, and still is, and addict. He did

“every drug in the book,” ranging from harmless to extremely dangerous. He was the addict that

affected my life permanently, for the worse, and unexpectedly for the better.

My dad made sure to clarify he never chose drugs over me or my siblings. Suffering from

a traumatic childhood, he used drugs and alcohol to kill his pain. Through that, rocky

relationships with my mother and his children have occurred. Whether I’m the child his

relationship has suffered the most with is unknown.

My mom never failed to turn his mistakes and turmoil into a life lesson. She was able to

implement a structure within our family that would prevent us from pursuing drugs and/or

alcohol. We were practically “scared straight.” She’s shaped approximately 85% of my identity

and my approach on drugs and alcohol. “I don’t ever want you to end up like your dad,” was a

statement said with a precautious tone rather than one of resentment.

I’d be lying if I said my father hasn’t affected me in some way. He’s shaped me, as well,

into the person I am and how I choose to live my life. He has transformed me emotionally,

mentally, and surprisingly, physically. Despite the distance between him and I, a lot was learned

from the distance, whether it became closer or farther away.

With my father being an addict, I couldn’t help but earn certain privileges for his

“mistakes.” Because he was in prison during the time of my scholarship applications, I was able
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to earn a scholarship continuing to support me and my education. The sad part is universities,

community colleges, and scholarships/grants love to hear the “sob story” of my father being an

addict, as if it’s a charity case they’d fund to feel better about themselves. Not to say all people

are this way, but a sob story really gets you places.

The thing with my dad being an addict is that I never wanted people to feel empathetic

towards me. The task at hand was to have people be proud of how far I have become despite

having a father who was an addict. Some people don’t comprehend how easy it is to follow in

one’s footsteps and to become another statistic. The opportunities are all around me, begging me

to take a bite from their poisonous apple. They attempt to have me to fall into the rabbit hole

with them. What they don’t know is my mother influences me more than they ever will. She has

helped me maintain my sanity more than anyone else has.

One of many things that has been different from other people’s experiences with their

parent being an addict is my father never gave up on us, and he would disappear when he was

“killing his pain.” He saved that trauma from us, but it opened new doors for other traumas to

trickle in and hold onto me like a loving mother never wanting to let their child go. As horrible

as it would be seeing my father taking drugs, I wonder if I would have been more “straight-edge”

if I had front seats to the Dope Show.

The development of “trust issues” occurred when I knew my dad wasn’t going to keep

his word on staying consistent and within my life. It still eats away at me, like a parasite invading

someone’s body without their permission. For the most part, it is something I can control. When

I can’t control it, however, relationships end, and the tables are turned, leaving me to feel pity for

myself and feel alone. This does not apply to only intimate relationships; it applies to all types of

relationships I’ve come across in my lifetime.

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Due to the years of relapse and continuation of the addiction that has taken over my

father, I have lowered my expectations drastically. My high expectations slowly dissipated. I

usually flowed between groups of friends, never staying in one particular group. If I feel or know

someone’s not going to be as great as they claim to be, I appreciate what they have to give, still

going above and beyond for them when I know they will never do the same for me.

Paranoia is also a “lovely” aspect that has surrounded me when making decisions and

spending time with friends who also do drugs or drink. I was taught that if my friends caught

with stuff while I’m hanging out with them, it’s mine too since I am there with them. I might as

well be holding the substance in my own hands. Being caught red-handed goes for everyone,

whether you know they had it or not. You’re an accessory to the crime; you’re just as guilty as

the primary suspect. I make sure to know my surroundings and the consequences of hanging out

with people. Even if they say they will take responsibility, it is not up to them whether they

receive the full blame or not.

Growing up, I thought marijuana was solely a “gateway drug” used for recreational

purposes. I would have not known that the “Devil’s lettuce” could be used for medical purposes.

I discovered that my dad would use medical marijuana to help with back pain along with other

health issues.

We hear the joke “I got glaucoma” when people ask why they use marijuana, but

glaucoma can actually be helped with medical marijuana, if the person knows what they’re

getting. They help with pain, sleep, concentration, maintaining a calm mood, lessening the

effects of chemotherapy for cancer patients, and so much more that either applies to it or hasn’t

even been discovered yet. People who work at dispensaries usually have a strong knowledge to
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which kinds of marijuana to use for different purposes and the possible negative effects that vary

on each individual.

Medical marijuana can also help people who are struggling with addiction. Studies have

been done for it, proving that many people benefit from using medical marijuana. In a

Massachusetts Canna Care clinic, three quarters of the patients who were using medical

marijuana were able to stop using “hard-core” drugs by the end of the study.

In another study done on rats who were hooked on cocaine and alcohol, some were

injected with CBD. Results later showed that rats who were injected with CBD were less likely

to relapse on cocaine and alcohol than those who were not injected with CBD. There is more

than enough evidence to show the benefits of marijuana for medical purposes.

Within my group, the three of us have all been affected by drugs, whether it be directly or

indirectly. Gabi Bueras changed her previous perspective on medical marijuana when she ended

up having to use it herself for her own medical purposes. Being an advocate for medical

marijuana, she also agrees that it could help struggling addicts. It assists in decreasing the

cravings and in easing the withdrawal symptoms of the harder substances.

We all have had individual experiences, yet we are one group that are defined as those

who have been affected by addiction. It changes us in terms of our personality and our everyday

life. I become paranoid when it comes to anything having to do with drugs and/or alcohol; I fear

that even being around them will put me in trouble and ruin my life. This paranoia is a parasite

that sticks with me, scratching at the walls inside my mind with every decision I make and the

people I choose to surround myself with. It is not something I can turn off or switch instantly.

The paranoia defines part of who I am, becoming more in-tune with me every second of the day.
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As part of the group of students who have at least one relative who has struggled with

addiction, I feel some people look down on us and expect us to turn out like them. Astonishingly,

many of us have defied those odds and proven that we are not another expected statistic.

We continue to persevere through our education and learn to understand that addiction is

something that encompasses someone and never wants to end. It holds onto you like no one ever

has before, and sometimes people can’t receive help despite the thousands of arms reaching out

to them offering it. Being an addict is simply something we cannot understand unless we put

ourselves in their shoes quite literally.

As people who have seen what drugs and alcohol can do to somebody when it’s abused,

we as a group who have been affected by addiction can’t help but be altered by it, whether it be

for the worse or for the better.

If there was anything I would want people to know about my life was that I didn’t want

my past to be a sob story. I want my story to become one of determination and defiance. The

same goes for my group and others who know this story all too well. We are not throwing a pity

party for ourselves. We are proving to everyone else that not all of us become like those who

have suffered from addiction.

What this group also supports is the use of medical marijuana to help addicts overcome

their difficulties in returning to the life they used to have along with the relationships they used

to have with others. There have been positive outcomes from it so far, so why not give it another

try with others who may need it? Since they’ve hit the bottom, the only other way to go is up.

They’ve got nothing left to lose, so let’s give them an opportunity to build themselves up and

prove others wrong.