The Monsters Inside Me

I look in the mirror and I see myself, I look completely and utterly fine, but it’s not me at
all. Then I look directly in my eye, I see a raging battlefield, and there are these demons
and monsters trying to win me over. They wrapped their evil hands around my soul and
they try to rule me over into fright and anxiety. Sometimes I feel all of them, everything,
all at once. And sometimes, there’s a ceasefire, a temporary feeling of happiness, of
peace and calm. Inside I hold the gossips and laughter of my classmates, the arguments
with my parents, the crying child I saw a while ago, the bitter words of teachers, the
aching of a broken heart, the mellow music that get on me and emotions I cannot
express. I am made by these. And I get terrified just by listening to my own thoughts.

My mind became the graveyard of: repressed emotions, unattainable desires, and
unappreciated efforts. They echo through my soul and sometimes I’ve been feeling
different. In an ocean of people where everyone struggles to survive, I think I’m the only
one drowning and they look completely fine. I’ve felt so hopeless and down that
everything has been slipping out.

“What makes you so busy?” I often hear questions on how my life had been going.
Maybe I was too busy taking deeper breaths, silencing these monstrous thoughts,
calming these trembling hearts and reading self-help books thinking that they could
actually help me in getting better but they do not. How many times in the past I’ve used
paper and pen because I’m too afraid to pull the trigger. How many times I wanted to
scream and cry, but I was too afraid spoiling the lives of the people around me so I paint,
I paint with my tears. I pour out my agony and wash off my anguish; I clean off the crud
and go on with my normal life. I need to go on with my life. I can’t give up, for the
people I love. I can survive.

These deep thoughts and dark shadows may follow wherever I go, but cannot rule over
me. They will not win the fight. I'll escape the forthcoming of these demons with the
help of dawn's redeeming light. I have the capacity to recreate what was lost, to
overcome my mountains, to endure, to transform negativities to positivity, to be greater
than our suffering, and to love, because love conquers all, even the monsters living
inside me.

I look to the mirror, once again I see myself. This is me who have conquered the fears. It
is me that endured all the pain, the one that transforms every negative to positive; I’ve
been greater to my agony. I see my eyes gleaming. Everything is in their perfect place
again. I can face another morning with great confidence. I can feel the sun in my skin
again. This is how I survived my bipolar disorder.