Why Do Children "Misbehave"?

by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.

Copyright © 1998 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or
by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written
permission from Aletha Solter.

All children act in annoying, obnoxious, or hurtful ways at times, and they don't always
cooperate with our requests. Before dealing with inappropriate behaviour in children, it is
useful to know why they act the way they do. Once we know this, it is easier to be effective
problem-solvers. We can explain almost all unacceptable behaviour in children by one of the
following three factors.

1. The child is attempting to fill a legitimate need.

Children have many needs that are not always met, even with the best of parenting. However,
each need must be filled if we are to expect "good" behaviour. Obvious needs are for food,
clothing, shelter, and love. Additional needs are for physical closeness, individual attention, an
intellectually stimulating environment, meaningful activities, and respect.

When children's needs are not filled, they do whatever will get our attention. A child who is
hungry for dinner may slap repeatedly at the newspaper father is reading to get his attention. A
child who is feeling bored waiting in line at the bank or post office may begin to provide more
interesting stimulation for himself by running around. It is unrealistic to expect young children
to behave well when they are hungry or bored. To prevent problems such as these, we can
have healthful snacks on hand, and we can bring along simple toys to keep children occupied
if we expect long waiting times.

Children need lots of individual attention, but it is hard for them to ask for it in mature ways.
Instead, they may refuse to entertain themselves, cling to their parents, or even pick a fight
with a sibling. People often say of a misbehaving child, "He's only trying to get attention,"
implying that he shouldn't be given any because this is not a legitimate need. However, the
need for attention is quite legitimate, and children do not ask for more than they need.

2. The child lacks information (or is too young to understand or remember

rules).

Children are born knowing nothing of our complex world. They must learn that windows are
breakable, that people don't like crumbs in their beds, and that busy streets are dangerous. As
parents, we must provide them with the information they need to live safely and happily in our
society. It is interesting that the word "discipline" comes from a Latin word meaning "to teach."

We cannot expect toddlers (under two years of age) to learn to follow household rules because
they are incapable of understanding the concept of a rule. They live very much in present time,
and we need to handle each situation patiently as if it were entirely new. It is for this reason
that we need to build limits into a toddler's environment as much as possible by baby-proofing
our homes. When unacceptable behaviour does occur in a child this young, rather than
attempt to set rules, the best approach is to determine what the child's needs are at the
moment, and find acceptable ways to meet those needs. For example, if your daughter tears
your unread magazines, you can place them out of reach, but give her old ones to tear up.

By two years of age, most children begin to understand the concept of rules, and are able to
remember and follow a limited number. But we should not expect too much of a two- or three-
year-old. Gradually, during the early childhood years, children can remember more household
rules, and are generally willing to follow them, provided their immediate needs are not being
thwarted. When giving rules, it is always more effective if we explain, in language the child can
understand, why certain limits must be set. (ex: "You may play with water in the bathroom, but
not in the living room, because I don't want the rug to get wet.") Be prepared to give reminders
as needed.

One effective way to communicate information is to let natural consequences occur, when
appropriate. For example, if your son chooses not to clean up his room, he may need to suffer
the consequence of not being able to find a favourite toy when he wants it. He will learn the
value of keeping an orderly room much more effectively this way than by parental lecturing or
control. Although natural consequences can be helpful, I do not recommend creating artificial
or "logical" consequences, because children often experience these as punishment, and
become angry and resentful.

Another way to communicate information is to give "I-messages," for example, "I hate crumbs
in my bed!" This lets children know how we feel, and can be very effective in changing their
behaviour. It is much more effective than giving orders ("Go eat somewhere else") or "you-
messages" ("You're a slob").

Children continue to need information as they grow older. Even teen-agers, sophisticated as
they may appear to be, still have much to learn. Whenever unacceptable behaviour occurs, it
is always a good idea to check into the possibility that your child simply lacks the information
that would allow him to make wise choices about how to behave.

3. The child is suffering from stress or unhealed trauma.

This is perhaps the most important, but most misunderstood reason for unacceptable
behaviour. Children are not very eloquent about expressing their feelings verbally. Instead,
they tend to show their feelings through their behaviour.

When a child is feeling scared, hurt, jealous, frustrated, angry, disappointed, discouraged,
confused, or insecure, he will act in ways that give clues to how he is feeling. For example, a
little girl who imagines spiders in her room might resist going to bed. A jealous older brother
might repeatedly tease his younger sister. A very frustrated or frightened child might start
hitting or biting other children. A child who is feeling disconnected and insecure may become
whiny and clingy.

Once you have ruled out all possible needs and given necessary information, you can consider
any misbehaviour to be an indication that a child is experiencing strong and painful feelings.
Instead of punishing or lecturing, you can try to figure out why the child is feeling hurt,
frustrated, or scared. If you can eliminate the cause of stress and provide reassurance,
closeness, and love, the child's behaviour may improve.

Sometimes, however, there is no immediate cause for a child's painful feelings. Instead, the
child may be suffering from earlier, unhealed trauma (such as birth trauma, hospitalization
during infancy, the mother's postpartum depression, or abuse). Children with early traumas
such as these often harbour feelings of intense rage or terror, which can lead to serious
behavioural problems. A stress-free environment with plenty of love will not be sufficient to
change such a child's behaviour.

Luckily, children know how to heal from trauma by releasing pent-up emotions through play,
laughter, crying, and raging. Our role is to support these natural stress-release mechanisms,
which allow healthy outlets for anger, fear, or grief. Children who cry and rage about seemingly
insignificant events are usually attempting to heal from earlier trauma. If we can be loving
listeners and sounding boards, our children will heal from trauma, and much of their
obnoxious, uncooperative, and hurtful behaviour will simply disappear. It is important to
remember that there is always a good reason (either past or present) for children's tears and
tantrums.

When children are hurtful towards others, we can help by stepping in and lovingly interrupting
the behaviour (either verbally or with gentle restraint). If a child seems to be having a hard day,
hitting or biting other children, you can remove him from the group, but stay with him and hold
him, saying, "You seem very upset today. Let's be together for a while." This often allows tears
to flow, which is the stress-release that is needed. After a good cry in your arms, he will feel
much relieved and reconnected with you, and will probably show no further signs of aggressive
behaviour.

Sometimes, when two children are arguing or fighting, a useful approach is to act as a
mediator. You can encourage each child to tell what happened, and to express his or her
needs and feelings. (This might include some crying.) Without judging or taking sides, you can
reflect back what each child is feeling, and encourage them to find a mutually agreeable
solution to their conflict.

Conclusion

Most unacceptable behaviour can be explained by the fact that the child has a legitimate need,
lacks information, or is suffering from stress or unhealed trauma. Because of this, punishment
and withdrawal of love are never helpful in the long run. It is paradoxical, yet true: children are
the most in need of loving attention when they act the least deserving of it! If we can remember
to look beneath the surface to figure out why children act the way they do, we can give them
the kind of attention that is appropriate to each situation.

Aware Parenting gives parents tools to raise children without punishments or rewards, to meet
children's needs, and to help children heal from stress and trauma.
 The Disadvantages of Time-Out
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
Originally published in Mothering Magazine, Fall 1992. Revised and updated in 2000.

As concerned parents and educators have become aware of the dangers of physical
punishment, time-out has emerged as a popular disciplinary tool. Misbehaving children are told
to sit quietly on a chair or go to their rooms to calm down and think about what they did. After a
period of time, they are allowed to come back to the group or join the family, provided that they
act "appropriately." The designated period of time is usually one minute per year of age, and
children who leave the chair or room before their time is up are told to return for the full
allotment once again. Some books recommend an added rule of silence, and suggest that the
timing be repeated if the silence is broken. In either case, parents who use this method are
promised quick and easy results.

Time-out stems from the behaviourist movement based on the work of psychologist B.F.
Skinner. His theory of operant conditioning asserts that children will behave in certain ways if
they receive rewards for doing so ("positive reinforcement"), and that undesirable behaviour
can be diminished by withholding the rewards or by invoking pain (both of which are termed
"punishment"). Skinner himself believed that all forms of punishment were unsuitable means of
controlling children's behavior.1 Even so, while spanking is on the wane in the United States,
the withholding of love and attention has persisted as an acceptable means of control.

Beneath the Surface

Using time-out appears less injurious than hitting, spanking, or yelling, because it does not
involve physical or verbal abuse. It is therefore thought to represent some degree of progress
in our continual striving to make this world a better place for children. According to many
educators and psychologists, however, time-out is not as innocent as it seems and is,
moreover, an emotionally harmful way to discipline children. In fact, the National Association
for the Education of Young Children includes the use of time-out in a list of harmful disciplinary
measures, along with physical punishment, criticizing, blaming, and shaming.2

Beneath the surface, time-out is an authoritarian approach and, as such, can work only among
children trained to comply with the power and authority of adults. Children trained to conform to
such measures know that the consequences of disobeying are worse than adhering to the
injunctions. Children who have not been brought up in an authoritarian environment will most
likely refuse to go to another room or sit in a chair.

How does a child learn about the consequences of disobedience? Proponents of time-out
advise parents to remove all privileges such as TV, toys, music, and so forth until compliance
has been achieved. Always there is the threat of deprivation or further penalty. In some
families there may even be an unspoken threat of violence. Although the method seems
innocent enough, it requires a past history of punitive authoritarianism to produce children
docile enough to obey.

Proponents claim that time-out is not a form of punishment. They use terms such as
"consequence," "renewal time," or "down time" to make the approach sound benign. The term
"time-out" itself has pleasant connotations of a sports team taking a well-deserved break.
Regrettably, this non-threatening terminology has deluded parents into thinking that the
approach is harmless.
From a child's point of view, time-out is definitely experienced as punishment. Who wants to be
isolated from the group and totally ignored? It is quite likely that children view this form of
isolation as abandonment and loss of love. And while parents are often careful to provide
reassurances of their love and to distinguish between the child and the unruly behavior ("I love
you, but you need to go to your room for five minutes because what you did is not
acceptable"), their actions speak much louder than their words.

Children under the age of seven simply do not have the capability to process words in the
same way that adults do.3 Concrete experience and perceptions of reality impact more strongly
than language. Being isolated and ignored is interpreted as "Nobody wants to be with me right
now. Therefore I must be bad and unlovable," and no loving words, however well intended, can
override this feeling of rejection.

Nothing is more frightening for a child than the withdrawal of love. Along with the fear come
insecurity, anxiety, confusion, anger, resentment, and low self-esteem. Time-out can also
cause embarrassment and humiliation, especially when used in the presence of other children.
In the child's realm of experience, time-out is nothing short of punitive.

Painful feelings are one consideration; the information conveyed about human relationships is
another. What message are we giving our children in demonstrating that love and attention are
commodities to be doled out or withheld for purposes of controlling others? Is this a conflict-
resolution skill that will be useful to them? How will it influence their ability to interact with
friends, and some day with a spouse and coworkers? Wouldn't it be better to teach children
useful conflict-resolution skills right from the start, rather than convey the message that the
only way to solve conflicts is to cut off communication?

Although the trouble with time-out is in large part invisible, one aspect is glaringly obvious: at
some point it stops working. Proponents of the approach admit that it is effective only up until
the age of about nine. Can you imagine telling your teenager, who may be taller than you, to sit
in a chair while you ignore him? Teens who have any sense of their own self-worth will laugh
at such a command. The adolescent version of time-out is the practice of "grounding"
teenagers by not allowing them to go out on the weekends or in the evenings. But this method
only leads to resentment, resistance, and deceit.

Indeed, any method based on power and authoritarianism must eventually be abandoned,
simply because parents run out of power.4 Parents of teens face an entirely new set of
difficulties when their tried-and-true methods of control prove utterly ineffective. Parents who
adopt non-authoritarian methods right from the start, on the other hand, are able to prevent the
power struggles, as well as the discipline problems, that so often come with adolescence.

Hidden Consequences

The use of time-out leads to a host of hidden problems. For one, when we enforce a time-out
for children who are crying or raging, they get the message that we do not want to be around
them when they are upset. Certain that we will not listen, they may soon stop bringing their
problems to us.

Furthermore, such children may learn to suppress their feelings, especially if we insist on time-
out in silence. Have we forgotten that crying and raging are healthy tension-release
mechanisms that help relieve sadness and frustration?5, 6, 7 Have we ignored the research
showing that stress hormones are excreted through tears, thereby possibly reducing the
effects of stress and restoring the body's chemical balance?.8 In teaching our children to
suppress their tears, we may actually be increasing their susceptibility to a variety of emotional
and physical imbalances. Swiss psychotherapist Dr. Alice Miller states that one of the most
devastating things we do to children is deny them the freedom to express their anger and
suffering.9

An additional problem is that the use of time-out does not address the underlying cause of the
"inappropriate behaviour." Children act in specific ways for good reasons, even though the
youngsters themselves may not be aware of them. Most undesirable behaviour can be
explained by one of three factors: the child is attempting to fulfil a legitimate need, the child
lacks information or is too young to understand, or the child is feeling upset (frustrated, sad,
scared, confused, jealous, or insecure). When we try to change a behaviour without
addressing these feelings and needs, we do not help our children very much at all. Why?
Because the underlying problem will still be there. Teaching children to conform to our wishes
does not resolve the deeper issues.

For example, siblings who are repeatedly separated and sent to their rooms when they fight
may eventually learn to stop fighting in front of their parents. Their unresolved feelings of
jealousy and hatred, however, may come to expression in more devious ways, or they may
carry their resentments into adulthood. Curtailing the symptoms of a problem does not solve
the problem.

Parents have been led to believe that children will use time-out to think about what they did
and regain some modicum of self-control. In reality, when children act in inappropriate,
aggressive, or obnoxious ways, they are often harboring such strong pent-up feelings that they
are unable to think clearly about their actions. Far more helpful than isolation is an attentive
listener who can encourage the expression of honest feelings. The healthy release provided by
talking, crying, or raging may even prevent the recurrence of unwanted behavior.

Holding children who hit or bite is much more effective than isolating them. Firm but loving
holding creates safety and warmth while protecting other children from getting hurt. It also
invites the expression of genuine feelings (through crying and raging) while reassuring the
child of the indestructible parent-child bond.10 It is paradoxical, yet true: children are most in
need of loving attention when they act least deserving of it. Telling a violent child to sit quietly
rarely accomplishes anything constructive and only further contributes to the child's pent-up
anger and feelings of alienation.

It is not necessary to isolate children and withdraw our love to teach them how to "behave". In
fact, it is entirely possible to help children learn to be cooperative and decent members of
society without ever issuing punishments, rewards, or artificial consequences of any kind. No
quick and easy method will solve every conflict. Instead, we need to treat each situation as the
unique challenge that it is, and try to be flexible and creative, all the while giving our children
the love and respect they deserve.
 Twenty Alternatives to Punishment
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS.
Example: Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.
2. GIVE INFORMATION AND REASONS.
Example: If your child colours on the wall, explain why we colour on paper only.
3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS.
Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings. Example: If your child hits his baby sister,
encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry
or rage.
4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT.
This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child. Example: If your child
repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES.
Redirect your child's behaviour. Example: If you do not want your child to build a fort in
the dining room, don't just say no. Tell her where she can build one.
6. DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BEHAVE.
Example: If your child pulls a cat's tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words
alone.
7. GIVE CHOICES RATHER THAN COMMANDS.
Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle. Example:
"Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pyjamas on?"
8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS.
Example: "I'll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired."
9. PROVIDE FOR A PERIOD OF PREPARATION.
Example: If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you expect him
to behave. Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult
situations.
10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate).
Don't rescue too much. Example: A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and
towel may find them still wet the next day. (But don't create artificial consequences.)
11. COMMUNICATE YOUR OWN FEELINGS.
Let children know how their behaviour affects you. Example: "I get so tired of cleaning
up crumbs in the living room."
12. USE ACTIONS WHEN NECESSARY.
Example: If your child insists on running across streets on your walks together, hold his
hand tightly (while explaining the dangers).
13. HOLD YOUR CHILD.
Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from holding, in a
loving and supportive way that allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing
tears.
14. REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THE SITUATION AND STAY WITH HER.
Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, holding, and conflict-resolution.
15. DO IT TOGETHER, BE PLAYFUL.
Many conflict situations can be turned into games. Examples: "Let's pretend we're the
seven dwarfs while we clean up," "Let's take turns brushing each other's teeth."
16. DEFUSE THE SITUATION WITH LAUGHTER.
Example: If your child is mad at you, invite him to express his anger in a playful pillow
fight with you. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger
and feelings of powerlessness.
17. MAKE A DEAL, NEGOTIATE.
Example: If you're ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an
agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.
18. DO MUTUAL CONFLICT-RESOLUTION.
Discuss ongoing conflicts with your children, state your own needs, and ask for their
help in finding solutions. Determine rules together. Hold family meetings.
19. REVISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Young children have intense feelings and needs and are naturally loud, curious, messy,
wilful, impatient, demanding, creative, forgetful, fearful, self-centred, and full of energy.
Try to accept them as they are.
20. TAKE A PARENTAL TIME-OUT.
Leave the room and do whatever is needed to regain your sense of composure and good
judgment. Examples: call a friend, cry, meditate, or take a shower.
 Family Meetings for Conflict Resolution
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
"If you don't stop that, I'm going to put it on the agenda!"

When I overheard my ten-year-old daughter yell this to her teenage brother one day, I
realized how important our weekly family meetings had become. I highly recommend
family meetings for parents who want to become less authoritarian with their children
without becoming too permissive. Weekly meetings provide a forum in which family
members can resolve conflicts in a truly democratic way. Anyone can bring up a
problem, and everyone participates in finding solutions and making rules. Family
meetings can work well with children as young as four years.

Getting Started

A good way to start having family meetings is to propose a regular, weekly meeting
time. Our family held its meeting on a specific evening each week during dinner. If we
could not all be together on that day, we tried to set another time that week for the
meeting. You can use your first meeting to discuss the structure of future meetings, as
well as the decision-making process.

It is important to have a written agenda. In our family, we taped a blank sheet of paper to
our refrigerator door, where family members wrote down the items they wanted to
discuss, along with their names. This became the official agenda for the next meeting.
(Children too young to write can dictate their agenda items, or draw a simple picture.)
Meetings work best if no one adds any items to the agenda once the meeting has
started. In order for meetings to run smoothly, there needs to be a chairperson and a
secretary. These responsibilities should change each week so that each member of the
family has a chance to participate in the leadership; as soon as children are old enough
to do these jobs, they should have their turn. The chairperson's job is to see that each
agenda item is addressed in order, to ensure that no one interrupts the person
speaking, and to keep the discussion on the topic at hand. The secretary writes down
the decisions reached.

Giving appreciations is a wonderful way to begin meetings. The chairperson can begin
by asking if anyone has an appreciation for another family member regarding
something specific the person has done during the week. In our family, we sometimes
had many appreciations, at other times very few. For example, I once appreciated my
children for helping out by doing extra chores when I was sick. On several occasions
they thanked my husband and me for helping them with homework.

After appreciations, it is useful to have an announcement time when family members let
each other know, for example, if they are planning to be absent for a meal or out in the
evening during the following week. This becomes increasingly important as children
grow older and participate in numerous activities.

After announcements, the chairperson can then follow the written agenda, addressing
each item in order. Some families may wish to decide on a time limit for the meeting,
while others may think it is more important to finish discussing every item on the
agenda. In any case, meetings should have a definite end; it's fun to end with a special
dessert or a short game, if time permits.
Agenda Items: The Nitty-Gritty Content of Meetings

Here are some examples of conflicts that we discussed in our family: use of the
bathroom, chores, reading at the table, disappearance of pencils from the kitchen
drawer, leaving lights on, going into people's rooms without knocking, messes in the
living room, and use of the living-room couch. We solved all of these problems during
family meetings, to everyone's satisfaction.

Sometimes parents who consult with me report that their children are at first resistant
to the idea of family meetings, thinking that this is merely a new trick to get the children
to do what the parents want. When this occurs, I advise the parents to restrict the
agenda items of the first few meetings to pleasant topics that are not emotionally
charged, such as planning a family trip or discussing how to celebrate an upcoming
birthday. Even after meetings are a well-accepted routine, I recommend using them not
only for conflicts, but also for neutral topics.

It is also important to encourage the children to use the meeting format for problems
they have with their parents, or to address situations in which they feel that their needs
are not being met. My son once brought up a problem he had with us playing music in
the living room while he was trying to do his homework, so my husband and I agreed
not to play music while he was studying. (His room was right next to the living room,
and the walls are thin.) A year later, when he acquired a drum set, he was quite willing
to work out a solution at a family meeting when we told him that the noise bothered us.
The solution we reached was that he would play his drums only when he was alone at
home.

In most families, discussions of chores usually take up a good deal of meeting time, at
least at the beginning. To get started with this, it is helpful to use a meeting to make a
list of all the jobs that need to be done daily, weekly, and monthly. Be sure to include in
this list all the jobs the adults do that might otherwise be taken for granted, such as
earning money, paying the bills, and shopping for groceries. One way to divide up the
chores is to ask for volunteers to take responsibility for each one. After you reach
agreement on this, someone can write up an individual job list for each family member.

Another way to assign chores is to rotate them systematically among family members
each week or month, or distribute them randomly at each meeting. There are many
creative solutions, and whatever system your family agrees to is the one that will work
the best. Whatever system you use, you can expect some aspect of chores to keep
reappearing on the family meeting agenda. This ongoing negotiation, although time-
consuming, is important to the success of the democratic process. The idea is to
encourage a feeling in children of cooperation and a willingness to do their share
because they are part of the family. The use of an external reward system would
undermine this goal. There is no need to pay children to do chores. Once your children
learn that you will take their problems seriously, listen respectfully, and use mediation
fairly, they will start using the agenda sheet to write down problems they have with their
siblings. If one child is bothered by something that a sibling has done, he or she will
learn to write it on the agenda sheet, knowing that the problem will be dealt with
equitably at the next meeting. This can prevent conflicts from erupting into major fights.

It is important to take all of your children's agenda items seriously, no matter how trivial
they may seem. My daughter once wrote the word "burping" on the agenda. At the next
meeting, she explained that her brother's loud burping bothered her. He replied that
everyone had a right to burp, and that she did lots of things that bothered him, such as
chewing gum loudly with her mouth open. (Meetings can become quite animated at
times!) They finally reached the following agreement: He promised to stop burping
loudly if she agreed to chew gum with her mouth closed. They never had a problem with
this issue again.

After you have been holding family meetings for several months, you may notice some
week that meeting day arrives and there is nothing on the agenda. When this happened
in our family, we always held a meeting anyway, to give appreciations and make
announcements, because my children never wanted to skip a meeting.

Reaching Consensus

I recommend striving for consensus rather than voting, because it is worth finding
solutions that everyone is happy with, even when this requires more time. Consensus
means that each solution should have 100 percent agreement among all family
members before the next agenda item is taken up. When consensus is hard to reach on
a specific issue, the chairperson can ask if everyone agrees to end the discussion, but
to have that issue be first on the agenda at the next meeting. Perhaps it is possible to
reach consensus on a compromise solution. In our family, no one wanted the
responsibility of cleaning the bathtub each week. It seemed as if there was no solution
to this problem, so I suggested that we clean the bathtub only every other week, and
take turns. Everyone agreed to this compromise solution, and my children willingly
cleaned the bathtub every two months, when it was their turn.

Consensus is also hard to reach when an item on the agenda is a conflict of values
rather than a conflict of needs. If you think that your son's hair is too long, or you don't
like your daughter's choice of friends, it is important to realize that those are conflicts of
values, and that your child's behavior does not interfere with any of your own needs.
Whether or not your child does his homework or eats his broccoli are also conflicts of
values. Another is if you are bothered by the mess in your child's own, private room.
(An exception to this might be if you are trying to sell your home, and want it to look
nice for prospective buyers.) When your children's behavior has no tangible effect on
you, it will be very difficult to gain their cooperation in changing that behavior. I
therefore recommend that you restrict the agendas of your family meetings to issues
that have a tangible effect on you, such as issues of noise, use of the TV or the family
car, help with chores, and messes in the common areas of your home.

When parents ask me how they can influence their children to adopt good values, I
reply that the most effective way to share your values is to model them in your own life.
By using a democratic approach to discipline and refraining from all authoritarian
methods such as punishments or rewards, your children will be more likely to adopt
your personal values, because they will respect you. However, it is important to realize
that some of their values may be different from yours. For example, I enjoy having my
room tidy and free of clutter. Although my daughter, like me, kept her bedroom fairly
neat, my son did not. I finally decided that it was none of my business.

Follow-up

One advantage of family meetings is that they eliminate the need for nagging. If a
solution is not followed during the week, the person who notices this can simply write
the item on the agenda again. At the next meeting, the family can discuss the
consequences of not following the agreed-upon rules until a consensus is reached on
that.

I had a problem with my children leaving their shoes, jackets, backpacks, books, and
toys in the living room, so I wrote 'stuff in living room' on the agenda. During the next
meeting I gave a clear "I-message" statement describing my feelings, instead of a
criticism of their behaviour. I stated that this mess bothered me, I was embarrassed
when friends came to visit, and I was afraid I might stumble. I asked for everyone's help
in finding a solution. My children replied that they were very tired after school and didn't
want to walk all the way to their rooms to put their belongings away. After much
discussion, we finally came to an agreement that they could drop their belongings in
the living room when they came home from school, but put them away by dinnertime
each day.

This worked beautifully at first, but after about a week, my children started forgetting to
put their things away before dinnertime. Instead of nagging them, I simply wrote it on
the agenda again. At the next meeting, they asked me to remind them, but I replied that I
didn't like to nag. Instead, I suggested that we could have some kind of nonverbal
reminder. My children had previously agreed to take turns setting the table, so one of
them proposed that whoever set the table would put something at the place of anyone
who had left a mess in the living room. We finally came up with the idea of simply
turning the person's plate upside down as a gentle reminder that that person could not
eat until he or she cleaned up the mess. Everyone agreed to this.

One day, soon after this discussion, my daughter noticed that her brother had left his
dirty socks in the living room, and gleefully turned his plate upside down. Another day, I
was surprised to see my own plate upside down, and noticed that I had left some
packages on the living-room floor. It is important to remember that consequences apply
to adults as well as to children. We had no further problems with this issue, and
continued to use this reminder until my children left for college.

Consequences should never be implemented without consensus. Otherwise, the

system will slip back into an authoritarian approach, and the children will become
resentful and rebellious. It is well worth the time and effort to reach mutually agreeable
solutions, because children are usually quite willing to follow rules and accept the
consequences that they themselves have helped formulate.

Advantages of Family Meetings

There are many advantages to having family meetings. Appreciations help to enhance
self-esteem and contribute to family cohesiveness. Fights and arguments between
siblings generally decrease, and you will find that you can abandon all forms of
punishments, rewards, and nagging. Family meetings also foster a sense of
responsibility and mutual cooperation. I was pleasantly surprised one day when my
daughter spontaneously decided to organize one of our kitchen drawers, even though
we had never discussed this chore at a family meeting.

The long-term effects of family meetings are also numerous. Parents who raise their
children with a democratic approach to discipline and attention to children's feelings
and needs usually find that their children do not need to rebel during adolescence. The
parent/child relationship remains one of mutual respect, with each person willing to
honour the other's needs. In our family, we actually had fewer conflicts during our
children’s adolescences than when they were younger. Finally, through the process
itself, children learn valuable communication, mediation, and conflict-resolution skills,
gaining firsthand experience with a true democratic system. These are skills they can
use for a lifetime.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk . Avon Books, 1999. Contains
lively, helpful examples of family dialogues.

Gordon, Dr. Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children . Three Rivers
Press, 2000. Gordon, Dr. Thomas. Discipline That Works: Promoting Self-Discipline in Children. Plume, 1991. These
books describe the pitfalls of punishments and rewards, and emphasize the use of "I-messages", "active listening", the
"no-lose" method for resolving conflicts, and the "family council".

Nelson, Jane. Positive Discipline . Ballantine Books, 1996. Includes a useful chapter on family meetings and another on class
meetings.

Solter, Aletha J. The Aware Baby , revised edition. Shining Star Press, 2001. Solter, Aletha J. Helping Young Children Flourish
. Shining Star Press, 1998. Solter, Aletha J. Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry . Shining
Star Press, 1998. These books, by the author of this article, describe a complete approach to non-punitive attachment
parenting, emphasizing the importance of accepting children's emotions.