BALMSCAPE RADIO

An original radio drama by

Elliott Salter
 BALMSCAPE RADIO

CAST

LARRY BOGNOR HOST

PAT BAXTER CO-HOST

RANDOM CALLER CALLS AT END

FRANCES WARRICK GUEST

MAN IN CAGE IS THE MAN IN CAGE

SOUNDTECH CALLS OUT DURING SHOW

 RADIO RADIO TALK SHOW

SCENE ONE: INT. RADIO/RECORDING STUDIO

NARRATOR: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the first episode of RADIO

RADIO TALK SHOW, please welcome your hosts LARRY
BOGNOR and PAT BAXTER

MUSIC: FUN AND UPBEAT INTRO MUSIC

HOST: …and I swear to god man there’s no way I could have known
he was a priest it was pitch black in that church.

SOUND TECH: we’re live, we started.

SOUND: ROUND OF APLAUSE THEN LONG AWKWARD

SILENCE

HOST: hello listeners, welcome to the first episode of the rest of your
life. I’m EDGULL joined by my charismatic (charismatic)
partner in crime, PIETRO)

HOST: Introduce yourself buddy

How’s the wife how’s the kids (chuckles)

BALMER: kids are good wife is still dead (act happy)

SOUND: FUNNY LAUGH TRACK AND GUITAR SOLO

HOST: GOD DAMN! What a beautiful lady she was.

I want to penetrate her

SOUND: BALMER CONTINUES TO LAUGH UNCONTROLABLY

AND GUITAR SOLO CONTINUES

SOUND: STANDBY NOISE THE EXIT MUSIC

HOST: our guest tonight is
international Art mogul and one-time Japanese pornstar
FRANCES WARNICK

SOUND: INTRO MUSIC, GOSPEL SINGING AND CLAPPING AND

PORNHUB THEME FAINTLY IN BACKGROUND

FRANCES: hello, thanks for having me

BALMER: Your beautiful, damn you’re so beautiful…

FRANCES: Thanks… (said as BALMER is speaking)

BALMER: I would love to get to know you better with tongues involved,
possibly…

SOUND: AWKWARD SILENCE

FRANCES: *quietly* No… thank you

SOUND: LONG AWKWARD PAUSE

BALMER: its ok I like men now

SOUND: VERY LOUD CROWD SHOUTING AND CHEERING

HOST: so obviously you’re a talented artist

HOST: I Understand you have a new art piece that’s opening next
month at the lube

FRANCES: It’s actually the louvre

HOST: Nooo, I’m pretty sure it’s the lube

FRANCES: Nooo, its not

SOUND: LONG AWKWARD SILENCE

HOST: (whispers to BALMER) I thought you said it was the lube (says
very quietly)

BALMER: (whispers back to HOST) It was lube, but that was not the same
conversation.

SOUND: LONG PAUSE WITH MUFFLED MIC NOISES

HOST: Well, uh, we actually have a small sneak peak of your work, is
it ok if we bring it out.

FRANCES: I mean sure, but I thought this was a radio show.

HOST: SHHHHH

FRANCES: But they can’t…

HOST AND BALMER: Shhh, just shush, be quiet (tell her to shut up)

FRANCES: I, just… (stutters)

HOST: shut the fuck up

*long pause*
Thank you, ladies and men this is a segment I like to call
EYEBALL AROUSAL

SOUND: AROUSAL INTRO TUNE PLAYS. MAN SCREAMING

CAN BE HEARD ALONG WITH THE SOUND OF
SQUEEKING WHEELS SCREAMING MAN IS ALSO
HEARD

FRANCES: what the fuck

HOST: AROUSAL!

SOUND: JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS AS BALMER and HOSTS SCREAM

AND BREAK THINGS MAN CONTINUES TO SCREAM

BALMER: I am aroused (improv room)

FRANCES: I, I, I don’t know what the fuck this is

SOUND: CONTINUES TO BREAK THINGS

HOST: wooooh, yeah that had me going, thank you for that.

SOUND: SILENCE

FRANCES: That is not my artwork.

HOST: what…

FRANCES: I don’t know what this, well I do it’s an elderly man in a

cage, are you ok sir…
HOST: Woahhhh, didn’t know we were assuming genders here, Lucky
for you he’s a Jewish man.

BALMER: Named Jehovah, actually

HOST: ok let’s get him out of here.

BALMER: Will someone please come to get him

FRANCES: What the fuck… (in disbelief)

SOUND: JEHOVA THE CAGED MAN SONG & STANDBY SOUND

HOST: so Franis (FRANCES)

FANCES: Frances*

*SHORT SILENCE*

HOST: um yeah, in 2015 you guest stared in an episode of hishomi

heroes, the popular Japanese tv show so my question to you is
Why are you so frequently racist

SOUND: LONG SILENCE

FRANCES: I’m not racist, what where did you even get this from, who told
you that

HOST: no one I just thought you looked like a racist, that’s all

BALMER: actually, no that you mention it, yeah

SOUND: SHORT SILENCE

HOST: I’m just going to keep going with the questions…

BALMER: I actually once took a shit that looked just like a small Asian
child

SOUND TECH: Was his name Michael (background voice)

FRANCES: that surely can’t be possible

HOST: see that, that’s why I had a feeling, that’s racist

FRANCES: you’re an awful show host.

SOUND: LONG SILENCE

SOUND: EATING MASH POTATO WITH HIS HANDS

FRANCES: What the fuck, are you eating, what are you eating, is that
mash, with your fucking hands

BALMER: *slurps* yup

FRANCES: What the fuck is wrong with you, do you know how to host a
show of any kind

HOST: ok Frankfurt let’s not hurt feelings

FRANCES: FUCK YOU BOTH THAT’S NOT MY FUCKING NAME,

two fucking idiots making a radio show dumbest shit I ever
heard of. Has anyone ever told you that your shit hosts?

BALMER: Has anyone ever told you could never make it in professional
volleyball

FRANCES: What no…

HOST: You also look like a man

SOUND: MUSIC PLAYS

FRANCES: No, fuck you that’s not my name fuck this stop the fucking
music shit I’m fucking leaving

FRANCES: (begins to take off mic) My agent Is getting fucking fired after
this, what the fuck even is this

HOST: well, FRANLIST thank you for being are first guest on our
show

SOUND: LONG PAUSE

FRANES: FUCK YOU

SOUND: FRANCES SLAMS DESK WITH FIST THEN SPITS ON
HOST

HOST: Well, it seems ladies and gentlemen that we still have a few
minutes left of today’s show so we will be taking one call,
however please no excessive swearing because we are largely
unable to bleep it out over the phone.

BALMER:

SOUND: PHONE RINGS

BALMER: There you go there’s already one

HOST: Hello you are officially the first radio call in

guest on radio radio talk show

CALLER: I hope I’m the fucking last, who the fuck even are you two
fucking c**ts, I hope you both get…

HOST: ahhhh, well ladies and gentlemen I think now would be as

good a time as ever to wrap up for today

BALMER: yeeesh yeah, I think its best

HOST: so on that note ladies and gentlemen thank you all for watching
we have been…

SOUND: STANDBY NOISE THEN OUTRO MUSIC

THE END