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Gary Steciuk
112867 s_oog
p0 Box 1000
Dulurh, MN 559L4

Mary's Cry
I walk lnto the phone room. A seasoned building grasplng for purpose
sits guard over a bank of relics in this modern world. Bright and noisy
like a hospital ER, conversatj-ons in rhythmic echo overpolier my thoughts.
The tones are harsh and angry like the ema11 I just read.
Regardless of how many emails I receive from her, the shock never fades.
Nessaf s ruthless \,/ay wit.h words aims for my jugular. She wants me knocked
down, flattened like smal1 road ki1l, left to suffer. She wants me to feel
her pain. She is addicted to my misery, but her fix is only temporary.
I can time the length of her junkie's high by the lapsed days between emails.
Sometimes I just want her punished. I indulge momentarily and allow
plans to grow roots 1n my thoughts but fear wontt let them linger. The
ex-husband 1s always suspect number one. A daydream of nefarious sorts,
perhaps even a fantasy, hits some pleasure sensors in my brain before
dissipating.
Over time Irve gotten a little better at tending to my emotions and
thoughts. Like a good gardener I try to cultivate the posifive growth and
elimlnate the weeds. Even the act of pulling out my thinking weeds leaves
me with a little gardenerrs guilt. I really shouldnrt let such thought
weeds get started but how they just seemingly poP up out of nowhere 1s
completely beyond my understanding.
It has been over five years since 1 was home which has le-ft a void
primed for Nessa's agenda. Shers tried to build a wa1l around my children
to keep me and my family out. The sooner I can attempt to remove this latest
brick, the better chance I have of eliminating 1t before Nessa morters it
in.

I have to make this call. MarY's crY I5 reaching out from her paln.
Her motherts words have been infecting her for years. I fear the disease
is spreading.
"This email is from Nlary,tt Nessa wrote
ttDad,

I really need to talk to You. Call me. I donrt want Grandma

to be there for our visit. I donrt appreciate you forcing her
on me. Love, MarY"
 Gary Steciuk
1148 fnverraxy Ln
Deerfleld, IL 60015

Maryrs Cry (page 2)

"Fix this or Itm canceling the kidst visit.tt
Smelling of the rotten fruit Nessa has been planting for decades, all
of my focus is taken away from weed control. Anger and hatred and sadness
hold hands in some kind of awkward dance from my high school homecoming.
They are so glaringly awful that theyrre difficult to dlsmiss.
It is hardly shocking to see Nessa put her hatred in the name of my
daughter. The raw emotion this latest ema11 sparked translated into intense
anger followed by helpless sadness. Thls new tactic might just be another
one of Nessats lies. The more frightening possibility, however, is that
years of indoctrination might be maturing in Mary'
"I had a great time with Grandma, I just wish you couldtve come too."
Those are the words I recall when speaking with Mary about her birthday
celebration with my parents last week. Straight from the mouth of an
innocent child, what could be more genuine?
Since I've been gone, the frequency with which my children have seen
my family has unfortunately been severely diminished. Nessa controls all
contacL and visj-tation and at times displays the jealousy of a two year
o1d with newborn twin siblings. If the children ale not in her hands,
Nessa seems to think their love for her will fade like a sunset ' Lost
in the middle of the night she plans her next attack'

I must get this in my daughter's words. I have to hear it from Mary'

Part of me wants to 1eL her know what an angry pelson her mother is ' But
the last thing I want to do is sound like Nessa'
I want Mary to tell me what she really thinks, but I wonder if that
is even possible for someone living with a dragon. Fire breathing down
her neck, I fear the heat will melt away Maryts sense of reality. 1 doubt
Itve had more than five cal1s with Mary in the past year that weren't within
earshot of her mother.
ttlisten
My ego begins to make battle plans. A voice in my head screams,
to me, Mary!" Raw instinct leads me down a barbaric road littered with
forceful language. I want to physically move her with my words. If I can
just get a hold of her I know Mary will see the fallacy of her motherrs
ways.
 Gary Steciuk
1148 lnverrary Ln
Deerfield, IL 60015

Mary's Cry (page 3)

These polluting thoughts, however, are quickly slapped into submission.
My failures in life have served as a valuable ego tamer. A young emotional
girl is vulnerable enough with her father gone. Perhaps I am the one who
needs to listen this time. Right and wrong can be acutely relative in the
realm of happiness.

Competing thoughts are impatient and distracting in this chaotic room.

First I must wait for a good phone. 'Ihis building serves as the last and
only bank of old-school style pay phones in all of Duluth and probablY in
the entire state of Minnesota. I wonder if anyone even makes these things
anymore. This room is the prison campts solution for keeplng inmates in
contact with the outside wor1d.
Looking like someone just dropped it on this property from the 1980s'
the phone room is uncomfortably 1ost. Nobody communlcates llke this anymore
we get 15 minutes per call and it has probably been that way for over 40
years, back when a 15 minute long distance call was more than the average
person could afford.
The passing minutes as L wait have the ancillary benefit of allowlng my
anger to fade a little. I think Irm getting better at letting go. My anger
used to be locked in for days. The trick 1s to focus on the desired outcome
rather than the enemyrs actj-ons. In doing so I can almost convlnce myself
that Nessa is a monster in appearance on1y. Underneath there must exist
the woman 1 thought I once knew.
Like a bird sitting roost over unfertil_ized e88s, I wait. Atl hope is
yet to be lost. The next communicatlon might be dlfferent. A surpri-se
crack in the dragonts otherwise impenetrable armor reveals a demure kindness
from time to Lime that is allowed to take a few breaths before it dies'
She wished me a Merry Christmas and sent me a few pictures of the kids
from the past year. Hope wanted to see a turning point but it was one email
lost in a database of endless hatred. Years ago fueled by oncoming anger,
Nessats more recent hateful rants have been speeding down a one-way street'
I dream that one day she'1l just run out of gas'
 Gary Steciuk
1148 Inverrary Ln
Deerfield, IL 60015

Mary's Cry (page 4)

The time limit weighs on my nerves as I walt for my turn. Anxious

with jumbled thoughts, I try to 1et go of a little more anger so I can focus.
It wontt be 1ong, and I wontt have long to make my thoughts clear. The
man on the corner phone, the best of the whole lot, is yelling at someone
for not sending money. There is a lot of anguish in this room. Maybe
that's why I don't like coming here.
I wonder how much I absorb from the negative air. I canrt yet shake
this jumbled concoction of anger and fear even though I know it will not
lead me where I want to go. I Lhink again about the things Nessa must be
saying to my chlldren. What of her repetitive daily mantra might they be
pieking up on? When I call will they speak her words?

Itts my turn. The angry man in the corner just slammed down the phone.
Itrs an industrial strength phone sitting in wait for its next abuser.
One angry man takes the place of another as f walk over to take my turn.
Fifteen minutes to reverse course of a continual broadcast against
me. If I am a Democrat, their mother is Fox News. Why should innocent
children be forced to watch this? I fear anything I say will just add
to the noise. Flexibility is something they might actually learn from,
and it is lncreasingly looking 11ke my only option. Riding this white-water
may leave fewer scars than trying to swim against the current.

ttThe phone room is closedrtt a correctional officer shouts as he comes

storming into the building. "Everybody exit now!"
Sometj-mesa remlnder of my insignificance here, this time the interruption
serves as an underscore to my private thoughts. Being searched on the
way out is no bother to me. Perhaps theyrre acting on a tip that someone
is hiding contraband in here. Perhaps they just want to go home early'
I am not yet back in the real world. Irm in an adolescent playground filled
with grown looking men. This is rea11y a very simple world to navigate'
 Gary Steciuk
1148 Inverrary Ln
Deerfield, IL 600i5

l{aryrs Cry (page 5)

i

The decision is made for me todaY. I wontt bei making any phone calls
I

Time, so often viewed as an enemy by those in prlson, may have just proven
its friendship to me. Iftl likely be in a better frame of mlnd to have
this conversation tomorrow.