.

The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

The He That Controls Me

By

Raven Mia

© 2021, Raven Mia. All rights reserved.

2
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

He was not always there with me, the He that controls me. I remember a time when he wasn’t

there with me— vaguely, like a wisp of smoke in front of my eyes. I was happy, truly, and from

what I can remember, I enjoyed life to the fullest. I loved my family, I loved the friends I had,

and I loved being alive to experience all the vast and exciting things life had to offer. I don’t

remember when he first appeared in my life, and consequently, I don’t remember when the love

and enjoyment I had faded. It was only there, like a stable rock, and then it wasn’t, and he took

the place. It is no coincidence that it all changed when he appeared.

***

It is mid-afternoon, and I open the door to my room, the room all the way in the attic of

the house, the room which I have not seen in months. It shows— the books on my shelf are

neatly arranged, and the rug on the wood floor perfectly in place. It looks as if my mother has

spent hours cleaning just this room. I wonder if she really has.

I set my backpack down onto the floor next to my bed and flop onto the pillows that

were, just moments ago, in perfect ordinance. My mother, tall and beautiful, shimmies herself

into my small room along with my suitcase, which is too heavy for me to carry up the stairs.

3
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

She sets it down in front of me with a large sigh and wipes her hands on her jeans,

smiling slightly. “Well,” she says finally, “that wasn’t too hard.”

I look around my room, still wondering how many times my mother must have scrubbed

the walls to get them this clean. “It even smells pristine in here,” I say to her.

“Yeah, with the law firm slowing down a little while you were gone, and the, um, lack of

anything else to do, I figured I would make miracles happen.”

I bury myself in the pillows. “I missed this bed.”

“I can tell. I’ll leave you to sleep off your jetlag, then.”

I turn around to her. “Thanks.”

She nods her head, and we’re both silent. I can tell she’s thinking about more than jetlag.

“Okay,” she says jumping back into reality and putting her hand on the doorknob, “dinner is in a

few hours.”

I sigh. “Got it.”

“You have to be at the table at six thirty.”

I nod. “Yep.”

“No later, okay?”

“Okay,” I say, and I have to try hard not to roll my eyes. I’m getting tired of this.

“Okay,” she says again with an uneasy bite to her lip, “sleep well.” She starts to close the

door, but catches herself, thinking for a moment, and then with another deep sigh, leaves it open

just a crack. As I listen to her footsteps leading down the wooden stairs of the house, I pay

4
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

attention to the otherwise deep silence. I haven’t been alone in so long. It feels almost nice,

almost peaceful.

I stand up and head to my closet. It’s nice to see clothes other than the ones I’ve been

living in for the past four months. Quickly sliding off the garments I’d been travelling in, I grab a

tank top, a large grey sweater, and pajama pants. After dressing, I turn to look in the full-length

mirror next to my closet, but I am met with nothing but a blank wall. My mother must have taken

it out again.

“It’s not fair that she doesn’t let you see your own pretty face.”

The voice makes me jump, even though it’s unmistakably recognizable. I turn around and

sigh. How did he get in here? “What are you doing?” I ask.

He smiles his attractive and alluring smile. He’s leaning against the wall, tall and perfect,

his arms which used to hold me tight and safe now folded in front of him. “I just wanted to see

you.”

I shake my head. “I thought I told you to go away. I just got back, I’m not in the mood for

this.”

“Come on, babe. What did I do to deserve this kind of attitude from you?”

I look at him in disbelief. “It’s simple. You got me locked away in inpatient for four

months. You’re not good for me.”

He steps closer now, and I can feel the light rush of cool air that always accompanies

him. “You know that’s not true. We both messed up. Of course, I did some things that I

5
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

shouldn’t have done, but you were the one who decided to land yourself in inpatient. I love you.

You know as well as I do, I would never do something like that.”

I sit down on my bed. “I’m not sure anymore. It feels like you’ve done a lot of things that

you shouldn’t have done. It feels… like you almost want me to mess up.”

“Of course not,” he says, sitting next to me now, his fingertips grazing my spine, “I just

want to be there for you. I want to support you and help you do what is best. You are my only

priority, my love, my everything. You’re the source of my happiness, and I want to be the source

of yours. Just let me take care of you.”

I search his eyes, his beautiful green eyes, the ones that tell lies just as good as truth. And

finally, I relax my shoulders. “I’m sorry,” I whisper in defeat, “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he says, kissing my cheek, and I let him. “Just remember that I love you,

and I never want to leave you.”

“I love you, too,” I say, although I feel a little bit confused on how I ended up forgiving

him and apologizing for myself. And now, I am stuck with him again, for what seems like will

be forever. I’m not sure if I want that, or if I should want that.

“I promise babe, this time things will be different. I promise.”

I nod and doze off in his arms. He promised.

***

I come downstairs for dinner at exactly six thirty. As soon as I start down the stairs, I

smell the food. The way my stomach grumbles indicates that I’m hungry— hungrier than I

thought I might be. My mother is sitting down at the table already, set for two, with food on both

6
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

of our plates. Rice, salmon, broccoli. Milk in the cup. Knife, fork, spoon for dessert. Easy

enough— as easy as it can be, at least.

“Thank you for being on time,” my mother says. It almost sounds like a business

arrangement. Maybe it is to her.

I nod. “It looks good,” I say to be polite.

Her mouth turns upwards in a large smile as I sit down. “I’m not sure of the last time I

heard you say that. I’m— I’m really glad to hear that.”

There is silence in the room, until my mother claps, folding her hands. “Well, let’s pray.”

I furrow my brow, but bow my head in respect, folding my hands together. She never

prays.

“Heavenly father, thank you for bringing my daughter home from treatment safe and

sound. Let us enjoy this meal and the time we have together. Let us be thankful for everything

that we have. Amen.”

“Amen,” I say quietly.

My mother picks up her fork and her knife, digging into her food. “Well, go ahead. You

have thirty minutes, so you should probably start right away.”

I pick up my cutlery, as I was told to do, and scoop some rice onto my fork. “I didn’t

know you prayed,” I said, trying to make some conversation. I take a bite. I feel hands on my

shoulders. Cool but comforting. I make sure not to pay attention to them.

7
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

“I’ve been getting into going to church again while you were gone, and I think it really

helped me cope with things. You know, prayer can do a lot, and I think it’s been good for me to

focus my attention on something, to take my mind off work and… things like that.”

I assume her “things like that” is referring to me. I feel the hands on me massaging my

shoulders now, and I look up. He’s there, smiling down at me, but when he flicks his eyes up to

my plate, his face turns to stone. I return to my food and bring some salmon to my lips. Another

bite.

“I really think you should come this Sunday. Maybe it would be beneficial for you, too.”

I nod. “Yeah, maybe I will.”

She smiles and takes a drink of her milk. I do the same. I feel his hands on my shoulders

tense. Another bite. They tense more. I look up at him now. “What?” I ask him.

“Nothing,” he says to me, resuming with the massage. “Keep going.”

So, I do. I finish the whole meal, I drink the whole glass of milk, all while I feel him

tightening behind me. And then, my mother takes the ice cream out of the freezer, scooping

some into two bowls.

“It’s your favorite,” she says, “chocolate chip cookie dough.”

“Great,” I say as she hands me the small bowl.

“One cup, three hundred and twenty calories, sixteen grams of fat,” I hear him mumble.

“Butter all over the rice.”

I jab him. Take a bite. Feel him tense.

8
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

I look up again, and his face looks like it’s in pain. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t look at me. “It’s fine. Keep going. She wants you to keep going.”

So, I do, and the tension in his fingers grow unendingly. I’m not sure if it’s his cold hands

or the ice cream that are causing my body to shiver.

When I finish, my mother takes my dish. “Thank you,” she says to me. “I’m so glad

you’re doing better. I missed having a normal meal with you.”

While I wonder if that was even close to normal, I say, “me too,” which makes her smile.

“Breakfast is at eight tomorrow morning. No earlier, no later, okay?”

“Okay.” I stand up from my chair now.

“And no exercise tonight, right?”

I nod. “Right.” I can see the worried expression on her face, and it’s not changing, so I

add, “right, Mom. I’ll leave the bedroom door open.”

Just like that, she relaxes immensely, her shoulders dropping and the breath she must

have been holding coming out in a huff. “Good. Great. I have a little extra work to get done

tonight before bed, so I’m going to do that— but I love you.”

“I love you too, mom.”

She gives me a tight hug. “I’m glad you’re home.”

I nod. “Me too.”

9
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

“Me too,” I hear him add from behind me. His fingers pull me away from my mom, and

his arms wrap around my waist to hold me tight like he used to. The cold feels like home. Eerily

safe. Maybe I missed him more than I thought I did. He won’t hurt me again. He promised.

***

It has been three long months. Three months of trying to eat and listening to him get more

and more angry about it. Three months of secretly starting to exercise again, in order to keep

both him and my mother happy. I try to stop him from getting angry, but it’s impossible without

letting myself go hungry. He wants me to be beautiful, he loves me more when I am beautiful.

He agrees with me more when I am beautiful. I know I shouldn’t let him control me, but it makes

things so much easier, so much better. I’m getting too tired to tell him off, too tired to leave him.

I don’t have to fight with him all the time if I just do what he says. It’s more comfortable this

way. He doesn’t hurt me this way.

“Skip the oatmeal,” he tells me at breakfast, “just eat a few berries. Half a cup, forty-three

calories. You’ll be fine.”

“Just throw the rest of your sandwich away,” he says at lunchtime. “your mother won’t

notice, she’s at work. One-fourth of a sandwich, ninety-two calories. Just do it.”

“I’ll love you so much if you would leave the pasta and just eat the broccoli,” he says to

me at dinner. “Forty-five calories. You’re getting thinner. More beautiful by the second. Don’t

feel bad. You’re doing the best thing for yourself. For us.”

It almost seems as if he’s being encouraging, but when I don’t agree with him, he scares

me. “I should have left you a long time ago,” he tells me one day when I’m alone in my room, “a

fat thing like you doesn’t deserve someone like me.”

10
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

“I’ll tell someone,” I say back, threatening him, “I’ll tell everyone. I’ll get help.”

He scoffs at me. “Like anyone would believe you. Look at you, you’re not sick enough

for them to believe you. In fact, you’re not sick at all. You’re a fake!”

“No,” I cry, “stop this.”

He shakes his head. “I’ll stop when you’ve done your sit-ups.”

I get down onto the floor of my room, sniffling. My mother is home, but she’s

downstairs. She won’t know. “How many?” I ask, although I already know the answer.

“Enough,” he says, his arms crossed in front of him, looming over me. He stares at me

with a glare, piercing and cold, not warm like his gaze used to be with me.

And so, I start. I start, and I don’t stop until he tells me to do another exercise, and another, and

another. Finally, I am pulled up off the floor with icy hands and pushed by him, shoved down the

stairs.

My mother is in the living room, and she sees me now, tears running down my face,

putting my running shoes on. “Honey, what are you doing?” She asks me.

I don’t answer. I can’t. He’s got his hand clapped over my mouth, my lips frozen shut. I

open the door. It’s raining, pouring— but he doesn’t care. He never cares. I go outside, the world

feeling as if it’s spinning around me. I’m so tired. I should have known he wouldn’t keep his

promise. Things aren’t any different from last time.

“Run,” he tells me, his sick voice slithering into my ear. So, I run. I run and I don’t stop. I

can’t feel my legs, and at this point, I don’t know where I am. All I am now is a machine— a

machine that used to be a girl, doing what it is told by the He that controls her. I am floating in

11
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

this space between feeling the rain on my skin and feeling absolutely nothing. I think I am

crying, and I think my mother is now chasing after me, her voice far behind, but I can’t tell

anymore. Maybe the tears on my face are just the raindrops, hitting hard on my cheeks and on

my shoulders and on my legs. Maybe the yelling I am hearing is his, still shouting orders and

demands into my ear. I must listen to him. I am a machine. A machine that takes orders from

only one person. A machine that used to be a girl. That is all I am. That is all I know, all that

matters.

I fall to the ground, and I am being shouted at incessantly to get back up. His green eyes

that used to be so beautiful to me are now filled with hatred. I am slapped in the face, but I don’t

feel it. I am too freezing and too far gone. The girl that used to live no longer inhabits the same

body as the machine I have become. And with that, I drift away to a place where no one can find

me.

***

When I awake again, I’m surrounded in white. White sheets, white walls, white floor.

Something next to me keeps beeping, a sound that is familiar and methodical, but absolutely

dread-filling. The smell of unnatural sanitization hits my nostrils, and soon, I come to the

realization of where I am. I sit up quickly, feeling sick, taking a long look around the room to

make sure I’m not imagining things.

Then, I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I jump from the contact. It’s only my mother,

thank goodness. She is looking at me with a kind of sadness I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s the

type of sadness that is reserved for only the people you care for most. “Oh,” she starts, her hands

shaking, her eyes filling with tears. “Oh, my goodness, are you okay? How are you feeling?”

12
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

I stare at her with wide eyes. I did this to her. I made her feel this way. Finally, I nod. I

almost have to force myself to speak. “Yeah,” I croak out, “yeah, I’m okay.”

“Thank goodness,” she says, her voice breaking as she wraps me in her arms. “I thought I

was going to lose you for good this time.”

Tears start to fall from my eyes now. I might have thought so, too. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I

cry. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she says, and I can tell she’s trying to be strong for me. “It’s alright. As

long as you’re okay.”

I close my eyes and finally let out a sob I’d been holding in for much too long. The smell

of unnatural sanitization and the dread-filling methodical beeping sound and the pristine white

walls don’t seem to matter much anymore. The only thing that matters is that I am here in my

mother’s arms. Without a doubt in my mind, a simple, ever-so-clear thought arises: I think I want

to live again. I want to live again in the same way that I used to, before he came and took over

my life for so many years. I want to live, really live, and not just survive by a single, evaporating

wisp of a breath. And so, in this moment, I decide this for myself. I am going to live, and I am

going to fight like absolute hell against him for this life that must be mine again.

My mother pulls away now. “I’m going to get a nurse for you,” she tells me. “They’ll

want to know that you’re awake. I think they want to feed you soon.” She has a wary expression

on her face, like she’s scared of how I’ll react. I just nod, and she gets up with a loud, anxious

sigh, gathering herself together before heading out the door.

Silence fills the room now, but it lasts for only a moment before it is torn away.

13
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

“You always look so beautiful in a hospital gown,” I hear a voice say from across the

room. My stomach churns. I look up, and he smiles at me with the most perfect smile, it’s almost

ugly. His hair is perfectly styled, his arms folded across him, like always.

“What do you want from me?” I ask through gritted teeth. My hands are starting to shake

just from the sight of him.

“I just want to say I’m sorry,” he says, walking over to me.

I shake my head. “Stop.”

He looks hurt, but I know it’s just a game to him. “Come on, baby. You must know by

now that I never mean to hurt you—”

“I know by now that you’re a lying asshole,” I bark out. “Everything you say to me is a

lie.”

“That’s not true,” he says, getting slightly agitated. “I’ve worked so hard to make this

relationship work, and it seems like you never take the time to thank me for it.”

“You want me to thank you?” I scoff. “Alright, then. Thank you. Thank you for ruining

my relationship with my mother, with all my friends, and my family. Thank you for landing me

in a hospital bed or a treatment program almost every year for the past four years. Thank you for

breaking my body down to the point where it can’t even radiate its body heat on its own

anymore. Thank you for ruining everything I once had, and everything I never had because of

you.”

He’s boiling now, and yells profanities out into the air, punching the wall. I jump, but the

wall doesn't crack at all.

14
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

His hand slides down the wall, fist still clenched, anger rushing through his body. “You.

Don’t. Deserve. Me.”

The words hit me like a bullet, and they hurt.

He doesn’t look at me, keeping his eyes on the white wall in front of him. “You. Don’t.

Deserve. Anyone.”

I clutch my stomach in pain. How is he doing this to me? “Get out,” I say. “Get out now.”

He shakes his head, smirking, stepping towards me. “Oh no, sweetheart. You’re going

down with me.”

I stand up, and I am just a few feet apart from him now. I raise my hand, tears rushing

down my face, and in one quick motion, I hit him as hard as I can, the coldness of his cheek

lingering on my fingers. He stumbles backwards but regains his balance easily, grabbing me

now. I try to shake myself free, but he’s stronger, and he’s got a hold on my hair. I bite down on

his arm as hard as I can and rip myself free. He yells out, and when I look, strands of hair are

now held in his hand instead of on my head.

“You really don’t want to play nice, do you?” He asks.

“I want you to leave me,” I say. “I want you to get out of my life forever.”

“I love you too much to do that.”

“You and I both know that’s not true,” I say. “You don’t love me. You've never loved

me. And I’ve decided that I want my life back.”

He’s losing his confidence rapidly, and I’m gaining it. “But—”

15
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

“So, get the hell out of my life and let me be!” I yell.

He backs away, and so do I, sitting down on my bed, shaking. I’m too weak to stand up

anymore.

“Okay,” he says, “okay, I’m leaving.” He grabs the door handle. “But I’ll be back.”

“And I’ll fight against you every single second,” I spit.

He opens the door to the hospital room and walks out just as my mother walks in with a

nurse, his body going right through them, as if he’s a ghost. And then, he’s gone, like he never

existed. His icy glare is still frozen in my mind, but hopefully someday, he will be just a vapor of

a memory.

“Good morning,” the nurse says to me, and I am snapped back into reality. “Or rather,

good afternoon. How are you doing?”

“Good,” I say, “I’m doing good.”

“Are you hungry?” She asks. “It’s about lunchtime, and we have on the schedule for you

to be fed now.”

My mother is biting her lip in anticipation of how I’ll react. I nod my head, and she

smiles, a small breath being let out quietly.

“Okay, well, we can get a hot meal ready for you.”

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to let the tension out of my body, releasing all that I

had held on to for so long. I open them again. I nod. “Yeah,” I say. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

16
 The He That Controls Me | Raven Mia

I think I want to live. And I’ve decided that I will. I promise to myself now: this time,

things will really be different. I will no longer give in to the He that once controlled me.

The End

17