0 to 2 "WHAAAAA!!!

" by Alice Sterling Honig, Ph.D.

Helping babies feel comfortable and calm is very important to infant/toddler teachers.
Babies can sometimes cry or thrash about frantically. What's going on? How can teachers
help them feel soothed and relaxed?

States of Being

It's important to remember that infants live each day through a series of "states" or levels of
arousal. On a typical day, a baby may move into and out of six different levels of arousal.
Every adult has been faced with the dilemma of trying to interpret and soothe the crying
state. A little baby is irritably snuffling because it may be hard to settle into sleep. Or, a
baby is wracked by loud, yowling sobs, whether from a hungry tummy, too much
stimulation, or a gas bubble. Babies differ in the amount of crying they do. Some cry less
than 20 percent of the rime. Others cry as much as 40 percent of the rime.

The Sleepy State

The drowsy state often looks somewhat comical. A baby's eyes are half closed. He looks
as if he is nodding off and is unable to focus on anyone or anything. A baby with this
droopy look signals that he needs some sleep rime. This is not a state where a baby can
be attentive to a new storybook or an interesting toy you want her to look at. Some babies
do not go into this drowsy state. They simply drop off to sleep.

Deep sleep is the calmest state. Newborns sometimes spend the majority of their rime (16
to 18 hours) each day sleeping. Infants exhibit a more restless state, called REM sleep,
often when they are about to wake up. Their limbs twitch, and they move restlessly in the
crib. You may even notice rapid eye movements under their closed eyelids. Mysteriously,
babies in the first couple of months spend half their sleeping hours in this more restless
state of REM sleep.

The Calm/Alert State

When awake, well fed, and well rested, babies are in a calm/alert state. This attentive state
is the optimal state for play. Take advantage of this state of alert inactivity to introduce
appropriate little games. This state is best for ensuring a playtime that will not overload a
baby's developing neurological system. To encourage early vocalizations back and forth,
watch for this state. This is the best time to engage in "cooing turns." This is also a good
time to shake a rattle and slowly move it across his field of vision to see whether he is able
to use his eyes to follow it smoothly.

The Alert/Active State

In the alert/active state, babies' eyes are open, but their breathing is irregular and they may
act fussy. They are awake, but move their limbs a lot. This is not a good time for intimate
teaching interactions.

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Notice how individual babies are. Some may be in the alert attentive state for many hours
per day. Another baby is rarely in that state. Your keen observation skills will help you find
just the right times for one-on-one playful interactions with babies.

3 to 4 "MY DOGGY NEEDS IT!" by Susan A. Miller, Ed.D.

Four-year-old Joseph plumps up several soft pillows to create a comfy bed for his sick,
invisible dog, Grover. He tells his teacher, "When I read Grover a quiet bedtime story, it will
make him feel better. Then, I rub his back and sing him the "Hush Little Baby" song. He ate
too much doggy salad and his tummy hurts."

It is not at all uncommon for 4-year-olds, like Joseph, to have imaginary or invisible
companions. They find it very comforting to have conversations and share their feelings
with and about their special friends.

Support Fantasy Play

When the world surrounding most preschoolers seems just too overwhelming, they
frequently turn to play and fantasy to feel in control. Although a number of preschoolers
take comfort in relating to their invisible companions, others prefer to hold favorite toys to
feel calm and soothe themselves during stressful times.

Introduce Rituals

To soothe and calm his sick doggy, Joseph relies on imitating rituals that are comforting to
him. This is why it is so important for preschoolers to have special personal rituals to help
them comfortably make transitions throughout the day, like blowing goodbye kisses to dad
at the window at school in the morning. Many fours still find it a comforting ritual to suck
their thumbs or hug a security blanket at naptime.

Provide Calming Activities

Unless they are very tired or hungry, most 3-year-olds are fairly relaxed. However, older,
noisier fours sometimes need to be involved in activities designed to calm them down.
Symbolic activities, where children are able to create meaningful order and gain control out
of disorganization, such as putting a puzzle together or sorting items into categories, can
have a calming effect. Some children become calmer as they squeeze and roll clay, pour
water into bottles, or listen to quiet music on a headset. Others may relax by getting rid of
excess energy or their frustrations through gross motor activities.

Offer Regular Routines

Three-year-olds really appreciate consistency in their school day. For instance, they find it
comforting to be able to anticipate that each day snack is served after outdoor playtime.
Familiar routines also help young children feel secure about the time they are separated
from their parents as they come to understand they can count on daddy picking them up
right after storytime. This reinforces object permanence for young children, who still need

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reassurance during the first few weeks of school that even though they can't see the
people they love, like Daddy and Mommy, they will return for them.

Create a Comforting Environment

Jean Piaget explained how preschoolers relate best through concrete, hands-on
experiences and the use of their senses. Using some of the cool, restful colors (blue,
green, violet) in areas of the classroom where young children are involved in quiet activities
helps to induce peacefulness. Using natural lighting, rather than an overabundance of
fluorescent lighting, has been shown to have a more calming effect on young children.
Uncomfortable exterior noise (loud ventilation, noisy traffic sounds) can be stressful and
overstimulating for threes and fours. Preschoolers feel calmer when teachers speak in
quiet tones and have opportunities to listen to soothing music.

Design some small areas where young children can retreat and feel calm. Quiet writing
alcoves, a cozy bean-bag chair for reading, or a snug "cave" made from a towel and a low
table provide for comfortable private areas. Providing a "calm-down corner" where angry or
frustrated preschoolers can go to gain control and feel secure is helpful. Offering props and
visual boundaries, like trays for fingerpainting, individual carpet squares to sit on during
storytime, or "bubble spaces" to dance within during movement activities, provide
comfortable personal spaces for children.

Bring in the Familiar

Young children find familiar smells to be very comforting and pleasant. If a preschooler is
having a separation problem, her mom might wish to leave a perfumed scarf that "smells
like mommy" in her child's cubby as a special item to hold and sniff.

Special comfort foods play a role in calming an upset preschooler. My 4-year-old grandson,
Adam, always feels much better while sucking on his favorite tangerine juice pop and being
cuddled in my lap.

Enlist the Help of Others

Preschoolers have great faith in an adult's power to "make it all better." By the time they
are 4, and not as egocentric, an empathetic good friend or older sibling may be able to
soothe an agitated preschooler.

5 to 6 "AM I DOING IT RIGHT?" by Ellen Booth Church

Melissa is starting kindergarten in a new school and a new state. Happily, her new
teacher came to her home to visit before school and asked her to share some family
pictures. Now on this first day, Melissa smiles as she sees the comforting face of the
teacher and finds her cubbie filled with family photos. The beginnings of a sense of
belonging are here for her and she is ready to go!

Many 5- and 6-year-olds are at a stage of development where they want everyone to think
that they are really "big." But inside, they still have fears of separation when dealing with a
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new situation. A sense of comfort and calm is essential to helping the 5- and 6-year-old
deal with changes. Through observation and developmental knowledge, there are many
ways to assist them.

Building Reference Points

We all use the familiar to help us find our way in a new place or to help us feel comfortable
in a new setting. How many times have you looked for a friend at a big party? Or have you
used the sun to tell you which direction is west when lost in a new town? This is the
process of using reference points to help make sense of a new experience.

Five- and 6-year-olds do this too, particularly in a new school setting. They look for the
familiar to create a reference point for the new. This is why many kindergarten programs
appropriately start the year looking more like a preschool than kindergarten. The incoming
children feel much more comfortable when they see the familiar blocks, easel, and
dramaticplay centers. Even if they don't know anyone else in the class, they do know what
to do with these toys and will often just dive into solo play. From the familiar play center,
social interaction can begin.

Setting the Stage

Of course, a reference point is not always a place. It can be a familiar face. Many
kindergarten teachers invite children to send in pictures of themselves and their family
before school starts. Then they place them in strategic places in the room for children to
find on their first day. Home visits are still being offered in many schools as a way of
offering a reference point for children. This is an opportunity for children to meet the new
teacher before school starts. After making a connection in the comfort of their own home,
children feel more connected to the teacher when they go off for the first day of
kindergarten.
Touching Base
A particularly interesting developmental behavior of 5- and 6-year-olds is the need to
"touch base" with the adult when in a large group setting. At this age, children are perfectly
comfortable playing and working with others if they have a trusted adult to check in with.
Have you ever had a child who (even during free playtime) keeps coming back to you to be
sure he is doing it "right" or to show you what he is doing? This is touching base behavior
and it is one way that children build a sense of comfort in school. This behavior is related to
the 5- and 6-year-old's need for approval and dependence on authority. Kindergartners are
eager to please and thrive on praise. Simple and specific acknowledgments of positive
behaviors and "good works" can make 5- and 6-year-olds feel the comfort of support within
the structure of the classroom.
Creating Consistency
The kindergarten year is a transitional stage where children both want to know who is "in
authority" and have some sense of control over their life choices. It is important to
sensitively provide both. A classroom with consistent and predictable structure helps
children feel comfortable, safe, and calm. Five- and 6-year-olds are at a stage where they
want to know what is expected of them. That doesn't mean that they will always comply,
but for the most part, they want to be cooperative and helpful. However, it is also important
to provide flexibility within the structure of the day. Offer choices (always ones you can
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accept) so that the S- or 6-year-old child has some sense of autonomy within your
authority.
Playing Dramatically
Why scan the year with a big dramatic-play comer? Because it's through dramatic play that
children express their thoughts and feelings. As you well know, kindergartners in the
beginning of the year are often better at showing you something than saying it. Children
use dramatic play to feel comfortable in a new setting. Watch their play and you will see
issues of separation, insecurity, and fear being worked out actively. By me end of the year,
they will be able to talk about all this. But as the year begins, give them a large space for
dramatic play that allows them to work through issues of adjusting to the "big school."
At the core of anyone's sense of comfort and calm is a strong sense of self. When you
provide children with consistent structure, reference and touch points, and dramatic-play
situations, you can be sure you're meeting the developmental needs of your new
kindergartners.

1. Do the Shoosh-Bounce
Rock your munchkin in a carrier while shooshing over and over again in
her ear. "I put my fussy baby in a sling and bounced her all over the
apartment, the block, the city," says Lili Zarghami, of Brooklyn. "I cooked
and cleaned while swinging her back and forth."

Why it works: "Studies suggest that a calming response is triggered in an

infant's brain when being carried or rocked, causing the baby's heart rate
to slow and the muscles to become more relaxed," says Kristie Rivers,
M.D., a pediatrician in Fort Lauderdale. At the same time, the shooshing
sound creates a repetitive distraction that your baby may focus on instead
of crying.

 RELATED:  How to Soothe a Colicky Baby

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2. Turn Up the Tunes
You needn't limit yourself to lullabies. Try all different genres and songs,
including what you like. "Vivien used to chill out to 'Forget You,' by
CeeLo," says Jennifer Rainey Marquez, of Atlanta. Reggae was a favorite
choice for Brooklyn mom Lindsay Reinhardt's son. And Melanie Pleva, of
Springfield, New Jersey, had a baby with a penchant for "Iron Man" by
Black Sabbath. "He would giggle as soon as he heard it begin to play,"
says Pleva.

Why it works: Like movement, music has the ability to calm the nervous
system, decreasing a baby's heart and respiratory rate. And don't
underestimate the power of your own voice—even if you're no Taylor
Swift. "Infants may be especially soothed by the sound of their mom
singing, because her voice is familiar and the rhythm is calming," says Dr.
Rivers.

3. Play It Back
"When my sons were babies, I would record them fussing and crying on
my phone and let them listen to it. They were fascinated by the sound of a
crying baby," says Jillian St. Charles, of West Knoxville, Tennessee.

Why it works: "Babies sometimes get so distressed, they have a difficult

time calming down, even when the offending agent, such as a dirty diaper,
gets taken care of," notes Dr. Rivers. They literally get "stuck" crying. But
a surprising distraction, like a recording of their own voice, can jolt babies
out of what is making them upset. "Babies are so interested in the world
around them that simply introducing something new can help break that
cycle of crying," she notes.

 RELATED:  9 Totally Normal Reasons Babies Cry

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4. Put Out Lights
When Polly Blitzer Wolkstein's twins would get overstimulated, she found
that putting them in a completely dark room was the most effective way to
soothe them. "I'd pull down blackout shades and put them in their swings
with a pacifier. The swings gave them the sensation of rocking in our
arms, and they'd be out like a light in about two minutes," says the New
York City mom.

Why it works: Babies can easily become overstimulated with all the noise
and lights of everyday life. "After all, newborns are used to the quiet, dark
confines of the womb," says Dr. Rivers. Blocking out all that stimulation
can calm them down.

5. Make Some Noise

Another trick that parents swear by: Turn on white noise. Try a fan or
vacuum cleaner, use a white-noise machine, or download an app.

Why it works: The theory is that these sounds imitate what an infant

heard in the womb as Mom's blood passed through the placenta, says Dr.
Rivers. White noise also masks other sounds, such as siblings playing or
dishes being put away. Just keep the volume low. Research shows that
white-noise machines could contribute to hearing loss if they're too loud
and too close to Baby for long stretches of time.

 RELATED:  Signs Your Baby Has Gas and How to Treat It

6. Change the Scenery

Jessica White, of Smyrna, Georgia, swears that her fussy baby could
sense when she was getting stressed. "That's when I knew it was time to
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hand her off to my husband or Grandma," says the mother of two. If she
couldn't change caregivers, White would at least move to a different
environment. "Going from the nursery to the patio or kitchen was
sometimes enough to snap her out of the crying spell," she says.

Why it works: "A new location to focus on may be all a baby needs to

change her mood," says Dr. Rivers.

7. Work Out the Stress

Kate Motz, of Sunnyvale, California, a mother of three, would plan to
exercise in the evening. “As soon as my husband walked in the door, I’d
hand him the baby and head to spin class to clear my head,” says Motz.
Exercising releases endorphins, feel-good hormones that can improve
your mood. It also takes your mind off your munchkin for a while so you
can focus on your own body, which can give you back a sense of control,
says Dr. Rivers. And the “alone time” will de-stress you enough to head
back into the fray and manage the crying calmly.

8. Get Out of the House

When Jeannie Kim, of New York City, was on maternity leave  with her
daughter, her husband had a job that required him to be gone from 5 a.m.
to as late as midnight. “I took four walks in one day just to stay sane,” she
says. “And the long strolls almost always calmed the baby down too.”
Many new moms worry that people will be annoyed by hearing a crying
baby in public, but it’s better for you to get outside and get some fresh air.
Even if the baby continues to cry, it may cause you less stress outdoors
than when you’re cooped up in the house.

9. Soothe Yourself First

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Samantha Jacobs treated herself to a pair of noise-canceling headphones.
“Everyone talks about using music to soothe the baby, but sometimes I
need music to soothe myself,” says the Fort Lauderdale mom. “If the
crying gets really bad and I’m on my own, I’ll place my daughter in her
crib, then go and close myself in my room. I’ll play just one song that I
know will relax me and give me the patience I need,” she explains. “Then I
will go back and try to calm her down.” Shutting out the crying for a few
minutes can stop your head from spinning and your heart from racing.

10. Make a Laugh Track

If your baby cries around the same time every day, have something to look
forward to while you tend to them. Boston mom Katie Bugbee would
DVR The Ellen DeGeneres Show and watch it every morning while trying
to calm her son during his fussy time. Laughter is helpful for anyone who’s
reeling from uncomfortable emotions. (Hear that, new moms? Get comic
relief as much as you can!) “It gets you out of your head and away from
feelings that are making you depressed or anxious,” Clancy says.

11. Take a Deep Breath

Jana Davis, of Norfolk, Virginia, a therapist and a new mom, found that it
wasn’t just the baby crying that was unnerving. “It’s the lack of sleep, the
rapid hormone changes, and the new role as a mother as well,” she says.
In addition to asking for help from her mom and her best friend, Davis
used a breathing technique: She’d sit with her eyes closed and both hands
over her tummy, then breathe slowly and deeply, feeling her hands rise
and fall on her abdomen. This type of breathing promotes relaxation, and
it helped Davis realize that she could control her feelings instead of letting
them get the best of her.

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This article originally appeared in Parents magazine's September 2020
issue as “Your crying survival guide.” Want more from the
magazine?  Sign up for a monthly print subscription here .

American Baby, Parents Magazine

10 Things to Say Instead of ‘Stop Crying’

As a parent, you deal with a LOT of feelings on a daily basis. Right? And
sometimes, it can all get to be just a little bit much! When you’ve had what
seems like hours of multiple people crying at you, the temptation to make it
stop is high!

We’ve all said it, or at least thought it. ‘Stop crying! Just stop!’

Or maybe you heard it as a child?

“Don’t be silly”

“Shh, everyone is looking at you”

“Stop that noise, right now!”

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

But what if I told you that every time you dismiss or minimise your child’s
feelings, you actually make your job harder. You very rarely succeed at
making them stop anyway, and it’s more likely that they will need more support
from you in the future rather than less. If you don’t hear the message they are
trying to send you, the messenger just gets louder and louder until you do.
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Children are looking for empathy and understanding. If they don’t get it,
they’ll keep trying.

Crying is ok. It’s a very healthy and necessary way for children to express
their feelings, and we don’t need to make them stop. By telling them to ‘stop
crying’ we send the message that their feelings are not important, not valid,
silly, and annoying. If we want our children to learn how to regulate their
emotions, and to trust us with their problems and feelings, then we cannot be
dismissive of them when they try to do this!

Crying is always appropriate. Whatever your child is upset about is valid. It

might seem trivial to you, but a child does not have an adult perspective on the
world. Oftentimes people struggle most with allowing children to express their
feelings in public, thinking that it is not an appropriate setting and worrying
about other’s reactions or judgement. But let’s not teach them they need to
quiet their feelings for others. They will eventually learn our unspoken social
rules. One day they will know how to deal with their feelings and express them
at times that adults consider ‘appropriate’, but the way we support the
development of emotional regulation is by empathy and understanding, not
silencing.

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If
you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you
the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big
stuff.”
― Catherine M. Wallace
10 Things to Say Instead of ‘Stop Crying’
Sometimes, even when you know that you shouldn’t tell your child to stop
crying, it’s hard to know what to say instead! You might feel like you need
to do something, but aren’t sure exactly what. As a child if you were often
required to silence your feelings for others, these situations can be incredibly
uncomfortable. Having grown accustomed to pushing your own feelings aside,
the experience of a child fully expressing their sadness, anger, disappointment,
or any other negative emotion can be quite triggering. The good news is,
practice makes perfect, and it can actually be quite healing for yourself to be
able to support your child through their own emotions.

So, what can you say? Here’s some suggestions!

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You could also just say nothing! Sometimes no words are needed and physical
comfort or presence is enough.

What NOT to do When Your Child is Crying

Don’t distract. When you distract your child from their feelings, you miss a
chance to connect and help them learn the emotional regulation skills they will
need in the future. You also send the message that their feelings are
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unimportant, or too much for you to handle. Children need to know that you are
capable of dealing with their emotions so that they feel safe and capable too.
It’s also a pretty disrespectful way to respond. Imagine opening up to a friend
or partner only for them to say ‘ooh but look at my new puppy!’ or something
totally irrelevant. You would likely feel shut down, disrespected, embarrassed,
and be unlikely to confide in them in the future.

Don’t punish. Punishment and rewards are not a part of respectful parenting.

Never punish, threaten, shame, blame, or judge a child for their feelings!

No but’s. When you’re empathising with your child’s feelings, refrain from

following it up with a ‘but’. E.g. “You’re sad because you really wanted another
piece of cake, but you can’t have one”. ‘But’ kind of invalidates everything that
comes before it. It tries to explain away or fix the feelings. There’s no need to
do that. Empathising is enough.

Ask too many questions. When your child is full of huge overwhelming

feelings, they don’t have the ability to provide answers to lots of questions.
Empathise first, ask questions later.

Say ‘it’s ok’. People are well meaning when they say ‘it’s ok’, ‘you’re fine’,
‘shh’, but the thing is, your child is not fine right now. They don’t feel fine,
so even though you’re trying to be reassuring, it can come across as
minimising their feelings. A simple ‘it’s ok to cry’ is a better option.

Have a time limit. Don’t use empathy as a technique to ultimately stop the

crying. That’s not the goal! The aim is to help your child feel heard,
understood, validated, and supported. That might take a while, especially if
their feelings have been dismissed in the past. There might be a lot to get out!
Don’t try empathy for 5 minutes and then declare it ‘doesn’t work’ because
your child is still crying. Empathy is not a technique for control, but a way of
meeting your child where they are and supporting them.

Next time your child is struggling with an overwhelming feeling, have some of
the above phrases memorised and meet them with empathy and
understanding. Because they deserve it. Feelings aren’t something to be
avoided, but opportunities for connection.

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10 ways to comfort a crying baby and keep
yourself calm

Try to understand what’s going on

“In the beginning the cries sound all the same; when the parent gets to know the child,
they can interpret the crying: ‘that’s a tired cry’, ‘that’s a fright’ or whatever,” says
Noonan. Work through the possible issues, such as hunger, nappy discomfort,
temperature, tiredness, over-stimulation, and so on.
Cuddle your baby
Disregard the misguided notion some people have that babies can be “spoiled” by being
picked up and held close
Offer a pacifier of choice
Give them breast, their thumb or fingers, or a dummy to suck on.
Rock them
In a cradle or pram; the movement of a pram out walking or the motion of a car can do
the trick.
Tune in
Sing to them or play gentle music.
Switch on white noise
Some people swear by the soothing effect of a vacuum cleaner or washing machine; it is
said to be similar to what a baby hears in the womb.
Remember it’s a phase
“It can feel like forever when you are in it,” says Noonan, “but babies do move on.”
Plan your support network
Even before the baby arrives, recognise that there are going to be bad days and plan
who you can turn to for at least moral support, if not hands-on help. Don’t be afraid to
tell somebody – the public health nurse, family, GP – that you are struggling to cope.
Recognise your triggers
If it’s hunger, or exhaustion, or not getting out of the house that is most likely to
aggravate your response to a crying baby, try to avoid getting to that point. For example,
take every opportunity to sleep when the baby sleeps, make sure you have a ready
supply of nutritious snacks, and so on.
Step away
If you feel you are close to snapping, walk out of the room – having first made sure the
crying baby is in a safe place of course. There you can take a few minutes to calm
yourself with whatever works for you: counting to 10, deep breathing, bellowing at the
walls . . .
For more information: “Avoiding a Crysis: Advice for parents on understanding and
coping with a crying baby” can be downloaded from ispcc.ie; copingwithcrying.org.uk
contains advice from the NSPCC; Parentline can be contacted on 1890 927 277.

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 Positive Phrases to Say Instead of ‘Stop Crying!’ to Your Child
Before you begin calming your child down, remember to take a few deep
breaths, slow down, relax, and prepare yourself to be mindful. Saying the
wrong things to your child or trying to be empathetic when you’re feeling
angry is like adding fuel to the fire.

Now that you’re ready and relaxed, here’s a list of positive phrases you
can say (remember to say these in a soft tone):

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 1. “Hey Champ, why the long face? Why don’t you sit down and tell me
what’s wrong?”
This is a friendly way to show your empathy. It signals your kid that you’re
trying to cheer him up.

2. “Look at me in the eye. Mommy is there for you and I know it’s hard,
so talk to me.”
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Saying this to your child lets her know that you can relate to the emotions
they’re going through.

3. “Why don’t we go out for a break and have some fun?”

If your child is frustrated or crying because he couldn’t do something he
tried, this is an excellent way to take a time-out.

4. “You are absolutely safe with Mommy and Daddy.”

Kids sometimes cry when they’re bullied or feel unsafe. This phrase lets
them know you’re there for them.

5. “It’s okay to feel this way, baby.”

If your child’s done something wrong or hurt his friend, he/she may cry
because of guilt. This phrase is a good way to help them process those
emotions.

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6. “Do you mind if I sit next to you. How is your day going?”
Did your kid have a bad day? This one’s an icebreaker that gets them
talking eventually.

7. “I know, I hated that stuff too! Tell me what’s making you cry. I’m all
ears.”

Your child may cry because nobody’s hearing them out. This is an
excellent way to open your arms to them and let them speak their hearts
out.

8. “Daddy can help if you’ll tell Daddy why you are crying.”
If your child refuses to talk even after trying some of the above phrases,
you could give this one a go. It tells your kid that you’re open to listening
but cannot help unless they talk. Kids are receptive to positive emotions,
and this is a good way of letting them know that you’re there for them.

9. “Want to give it a go one more time?”

Maybe your child fell off the bicycle or failed to play a game the way they
wanted. This statement tells them it is alright to fail a few times before
they succeed.

10. “I know it doesn’t feel fair.”

Life isn’t fair. You know it, but your child doesn’t. This statement will help
them cope with their first bad event.

11. “I’m disappointed/angry/frustrated too. Let’s talk about it.”

This says you can understand what they’re going through and they’ll be
glad to know.

2. “There was this time when I was so angry. I cried because….”

Maybe you have a story because you cried due to getting bullied, getting a
bad grade, or not seeing your friends show up at your party. If your child is
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facing a similarly tough time, narrate your story and tell them how you
cried too. This statement opens up your kids and lets parents bond with
them.

13. “Always remember, I love you.”

No matter what the circumstances, reinforce with this that you’re there for
them all the way.

14. “Do you want me to help you?”

Often when a child fails to perform a task, it’s likely they require some
assistance. This phrase is a gentle way of saying there’s nothing to be
ashamed of and that asking for help is okay.

15. “Let’s Work On This Together”

Children have a competitive spirit. Sometimes when they hit a roadblock,
you have to pitch in. This statement tells you that you support what
they’re doing.

16. “You’ll get cookies if you finish your…”

Sometimes a child throws a tantrum by crying when they want something
badly. By saying this phrase or something similar, you let them know that
their reward is available and not running away.

17. “I remember you wanted this toy for your birthday”

If you can’t meet your child often due to a busy lifestyle, this is a good way
to remind them that you care. Maybe they were crying because you forgot
something and this is a good way of telling them that you remember.

18. “Relax, you’ll figure it out.”

If your child’s a genius, he may stumble on a wall on his road to learning.
Tell them it’s okay and that they’ll get it soon.

19. “Bad moments never last forever.”

If your child had his heart broken by a friend in school or if someone
made fun of his intellect, reassure that it’s just a phase and that bad times
don’t last forever.
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20. “I’d like you to play with me.”
If your child has a tough time making friends, it’s time you step in.
Encourage him to be your playmate and dry those tears away for a fun
time.

What to Avoid When Your Child is Crying?

1. “You couldn’t figure that out? You’re an idiot!”

Not only does this lower their self-esteem but they’ll grow resentment towards
you when they grow up. Your child’s human, after all.

2. “Just shut up. I can’t take it.”

Never yell at your child or tell them to zip it. It signals you don’t care about their
emotions and makes the situation worse.

3. “Get Out”

Never tell your child to get out or go away when they’re crying. It makes them
feel abandoned and in extreme cases, they may harm themselves or run away
from home.

4. “Why?! Why?! Why?!”

Children crave support, and when you ask too many questions, it feels intrusive,
not supportive. Never ask too many whys. You want to be there for them, not
against them.

5. “Your friends wouldn’t have cried.”

Comparing your child’s feelings with his classmates or peers is downright cruel.
Don’t say this ever, because it’s what we call being toxic by belittling their
feelings.

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Good parents are like guardian angels for their kids. Always be willing to hear
out what your little one has to say. That way, you foster a positive and open-
minded relationship and not something your child hates remembering.

Preschool Prep: How to Prepare

Your Toddler for Preschool
Learn what you can do to make this big transition to preschool easier for your
child. You’ll find a timeline for all the things that need to be done to prepare for
preschool and guidance on saying a “good good-bye” on your child’s first day.
If your child is starting preschool this fall, you may be approaching this major
milestone with conflicting emotions. You’re probably excited about all the fun
(you hope) your child will have and the new friends he’ll make. At the same
time, you may feel a little sad that your baby is venturing out into the big world
without you. These emotions are normal. Your child is also bound to have a host
of feelings about this transition, feeling proud to be a big kid but at the same time
worried about being separated from you and starting something unfamiliar.

Having Fun With Preschool Prep

There’s a lot you can do in the weeks before to get ready for the big day. But try
to keep your efforts low-key. If you make too big a deal out of this milestone,
your child may end up being more worried than excited. Here are some ideas to
keep the focus on fun.
Use pretend play to explore the idea of preschool.
Take turns being the parent, child, and teacher. Act out common daily routines,
such as saying good-bye to mommy and/or daddy, taking off your coat, singing
songs, reading stories, having Circle Time, playing outside, and taking naps.
Reassure your child that preschool is a good place where she will have fun and
learn. Answer her questions patiently. This helps children feel more in control
which reduces their anxiety.
Read books about preschool.
There are many books about going to preschool available from the public library
in your area. Choose several to share with your child over the summer before

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school starts. Talk about the story and how the characters are feeling. Ask how
your child is feeling.
Make a game out of practicing self-help skills.
These skills include unzipping her coat, hanging her coat on a hook, putting on
her backpack, fastening her shoes. For example, you might want to have a “race”
with your child to see how quickly she can put on her shoes. When you play
school together, you can give your child the chance to practice taking off her
coat, zipping her backpack closed, and sitting “criss-cross applesauce.” If your
child will be bringing lunch, pack it up one day before school starts and have a
picnic together. This will give her the chance to practice unzipping her lunch box
and unwrapping her sandwich—important skills for the first day!
Play at your new preschool.
Visit your child’s preschool together. Ask when you can tour the school with
your child. Play on the school playground a few times before your child starts the
program. These visits increase your child’s comfort with and confidence in this
new setting.

Worries and Watching

Your child may also have some questions or concerns about starting preschool,
either before or after he starts in the fall. Help him get ready with these two key
strategies:
Listen to your child’s worries.
Although it’s tempting to quickly reassure your child and move on, it’s important
to let your child know that his worries have been heard. No matter what they are,
big or small, children’s worries about preschool can significantly influence their
experience there. Will you remember to pick him up in the afternoon? Will his
teacher be nice?
Let your child know it’s normal to feel happy, sad, excited, scared, or worried.
Explain that starting something new can feel scary and that lots of people feel
that way. It can be helpful to share a time when you started something new and
how you felt. When you allow your child to share her worries, you can help her
think through how to deal with them. For example, if she is worried about
missing you, the two of you can make a book of family photos to keep in her
cubby and look at when she is lonely.

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 Notice nonverbal messages.
As much as 3-year-olds may talk, most are not yet able to fully explain how they
are feeling or what they are worried about. Your child may “act out” his worry by
clinging, becoming withdrawn, or by being more aggressive. Another common
reaction as children take a big move forward is to actually move backward in
other areas. For example, if your child is fully potty trained, he may start have
toileting accidents. He may ask that you feed or dress him even though he can do
these things by himself.
It is natural to be frustrated by this regressed behavior, and you may be
concerned that if you do these things for him, he won’t go back to doing them
himself. In fact, letting him play this out often leads to children returning to their
“big kid” selves sooner. Remember that your child is facing—and managing—a
big change in his life. He may need more support, nurturing, and patience from
you while he makes this transition.

The Preschool Countdown: What to Do and When

The last few weeks before starting preschool seem to fly by! As you begin the
countdown to the first day, here are some things to keep in mind:
During the 2 Weeks Before Preschool Starts:
 Purchase a backpack together with your child. If possible, let your child
choose it himself. This gives him a sense of control and emphasizes the fact that
he is a “big kid” starting preschool.
 Label all items—backpack, jacket, shoes, blanket, teddy bear, etc.—with
your child’s name and teacher’s name in permanent ink.
 Contact the preschool’s health professional if your child has medication that
he or she takes on a daily basis. There will be special rules and forms to fill out
for your child to receive medication at school.
 Figure out how your child will get to school and how she will come home.
Talk to your child about the morning and afternoon routine so that she
understands that she will be safe, okay, and cared for. Make sure your child
meets her before- and/or after-school caregiver, if you are using one.
 Start using your child’s “school bedtime.” Children often go to bed later as
the summer months, and longer days, kick in. Help your child get into a
preschool schedule by keeping to his school bedtime, beginning about 2 weeks
before school starts.
The Night Before Preschool:
 Answer any last-minute questions from your child.
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 Let your child choose (weather- and school-appropriate) clothes for her first
day.
 Make sure that your child goes to bed on time.
 Pick a bedtime that gives your child a good night’s rest before the first day.
Keep the bedtime routine soothing and relaxing. Don’t focus too much (or at all!)
on the first day of school unless he wants to.
The First Day:
 Wake up early enough so that you and your child don’t have to rush to get
to preschool.
 Make breakfast for your child and, if possible, sit down to eat together—or
at least talk with her as she eats and you get ready.
 Review the day’s routine (what preschool will be like, how your child will
get to school/come home).
 Pack your child’s backpack together. If your child is bringing lunch, select
foods that you know are his favorites. Having some familiarity on his first day is
helpful as he adjusts to so many changes.
 Let your child choose a special stuffed animal or blanket to bring to school
with her. These “loveys” can help children make the transition from home to
school, and can also make naptime easier, too. You may want to send your child
with a family photo or favorite book as well. These familiar objects can help if
she feels lonely during the day.

Saying a Good Good-Bye

These strategies can ease the jitters of separating on your child’s first day at
preschool.
Plan to stay a little while.
Staying for 15-30 minutes on that first morning can help ease the transition.
Together, the two of you can explore the classroom, meet some other children,
play with a few toys. When you see that your child is comfortable, it is time to
leave. If he is having a harder time getting engaged, you may want to ask your
child’s teacher to stay with your child as you say good-bye so that when you
leave, he can turn to another caring adult for support.
Keep your tone positive and upbeat.
Children pick up on the reactions of the trusted adults in their lives. So try not to
look worried or sad, and don’t linger too long. Say a quick, upbeat good-bye and
reassure your child that all will be well.
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Think about creating a special good-bye routine.
For example, you can give your child a kiss on the palm to “hold” all day long.
Or, the two of you can sing a special song together before you leave. Good-bye
routines are comforting to children and help them understand and prepare for
what will happen next.
Resist the Rescue.
Try not to run back in the classroom if you hear your child crying, as upsetting as
this can be. This is a big change and your child may, quite understandably, feel
sad and a little scared. But if you run back in, it sends the message that he is only
okay if you are there and it is likely to prolong your child’s distress and make it
harder for him to adapt. Rest assured, teachers have many years of experience
with helping families make the shift to preschool. Instead, you can wait outside
the classroom for a few minutes to ensure that all is well, or call the school later
in the morning to check in.

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