I have always romanticized my own life.

Often I romanticize others’ lives or a situation they

might be in. I’ve been known to project whole families into the future: “I bet their marriage will
be like such and such,” or “I just know his career will go to this level.” I guess I never really had
a problem with this part of my personality other than the often obvious collision of reality and
fantasy– ie. When The Dream Does Not Come to Pass.
God made me a visionary and a poet and other things. But these things I enjoy being and doing
should always be superceded by His (Holy) Word, and, wisdom. I was really struck recently
when reading a familiar passage early in Proverbs on wisdom. She was personified. She was
exalted and brought to a prominence befitting a courtesan. I think this is because God knew that
we would always live in the obvious collision of reality and fantasy.
As I said earlier.
We would always want to be something or go somewhere that may not actually exist or
materialize. And to bring a swift balm to the pulsing wound, God, in His wisdom, gave us
consolation AND deeper reality. He always says that there will be truth we recognize more
clearly, or an attribute in someone we come to appreciate more, or an attribute of HIS we esteem
more than we would’ve otherwise.
Kept close to the chest, this gift of wisdom will serve us our entire lives. I was told by a friend
on the phone about a month ago that I had such wisdom (emphasis on the such). And this
pleased me more than anything else I remember her saying about me during our friendship. It
was as if in that moment I had taken her words and put them in one of those little styrofoam cups
you put a seed in for a child.
The delight is in watching it grow– not in the absurdity of the nonrenewable cup. It’s in the
process– not in the small size of the bean.
I have been able to endure things because of wisdom. Wisdom tells me, “Stephanie, when you
see what God has for you, you will understand.” In my natural insatiable desire to understand
(which, by the way, I also consider a gift- as I do my curiosity), I often bruise the heart of God.
He can relate to my desire, but He longs for my quick, almost knee-jerk reaction of child-like joy
when I come across a conundrum. I used to be more this way, and I was a much more satisfied
person.
Although it gives me great peace to know that God is in control of all things and holds all things
together, it also relieves me to know that I am not ever beyond the reach of His own wisdom or
action. In other words, I have to isolate myself when it comes to my place in the sphere of His
care. I have to understand Him as just as able to care for every detail of my life as He is the
infinite details of the universe.
This is also a more balanced theology.
The old picture of God caring for the universe like a clock comes to mind just now. But I know
my Lord to be the most tender and attentive of inventors. He would not want to sit idly by at any
point in the process.
I was talking about a scenario like this with someone earlier today. It was such a joy. This guy
was so excited to talk about the Lord freeing Him from a form of religiosity. To think that we
are seated with Christ... just to meditate on this alone would fill someone with the kind of hope
that propels you to action (or inaction). His eyes were wonderfully wide and joyful. This is the
kind of wisdom our world needs and our world sometimes does not understand. It is the
quintessential, oft-quoted scenario of the pulpits– “How can a person suffering have so much joy
[peace, love, etc.]. When we ALLOW ourselves to be filled up– this is assuming the Holy Spirit
indwells us already– we are able to live such healthy lives.
A mentor-friend told me recently that I just needed to find “my place” again. A completely
different woman I respect told me in another conversation that the convergence of a calling and
the timing of events in a person’s life is a powerful thing. Productivity-wise, and in terms of our
human satisfaction, we are at our best in this ideal of collisions.
But what about when the ducks are not all in the proverbial row?
I am so thankful that I learned after my first year of college that I had to relinquish control of my
life to the Lord. I’d always seen Him answer prayers, and show me His love in countless ways,
but I was then- in the world’s eyes- the captain of my own ship. My financial decisions were my
own. My romantic relationships were my own. My education was my own. I became (perhaps
to the chagrin of some) even more mellow, and even more in love with my dear Christ. Because,
you see, to not trust Christ is such shaky ground for me. I feel such a need for continual
closeness with Him that separation is just devastating.

Sigh... such a good feeling to verbally process.

Well, it still remains to be seen what will become of the loose ends in my life. I sometimes
worry myself sick thinking about how I will finish a couple of big things. But then I remember
that my life is given to me to be a joy to Christ and to others; my life is to be enjoyed as well. As
long as I am following Christ, even the valleys produce medal-worthy pumpkins and
strawberries and wine. This is the stuff pulpit-talk is made of. This is the stuff a happy life is
made of.

I still want to get another really good camera. I want to take trips. I want to write. I want to
discover small towns. I want to babysit babies and have a few of them myself. I want to cook
and paint walls and attend all kinds of classes.

Such a rich life have we. Such riches are available to us in Christ- it is true! I drew my breath in
this week when I caught myself wishing for another time in my life. I was often in such deep
sorrow! But I always, always saw visible, tangible acts of God in answered prayer, the everyday
circumstances of life, and in the hopefulness and anticipation most of us had for the future. I
endured because the Lord was always doing so many good things that I often forgot about my
own personal chasm to cross.
Keenly look for the good gifts of life, friend. Listen to the undertones of conversations. Observe
the many hues on a color wheel. Ask God to show you how infinitesimally, delightfully good
He is. He gives and gives ( I feel like I’ve said this before). I, just in my writing this, experience
the goodness of God. This is one of my “when I run I feel His pleasure” (wish I could remember
who that guy was) activities.
What do you do that thrills you? Do whatever it is with Christ in the mind. With the Holy Spirit
moving in and around you. I have been reading Ezekiel lately. I jotted down this verse as it
stuck out to me,
The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the
Lord’s hold on me was strong. (3:14)
Imagine yourself like Frodo in the talons of the eagle at the very end of The Lord of the Rings, if
that’s how battered you are by this life. May comfort be multiplied to you.