Kakolewski 1

Leatrice Kakolewski
Mrs. Cramer
College Comp Pd. 3
18 September 2020
Guilty Questions
I think there's a time in everyone's life, regardless of religion, that you question what's

going to happen to you after death. Every major religion has its own answer: Heaven vs Hell,

Reincarnation, or simply nothingness. The thought can plague even those most assured in their

religion; how can we know beyond experiencing death ourselves? This idea used to haunt me at

the most inconvenient times, when I was most sure of my faith. Because truly, how do you know

that everything that you've been taught in church isn't some lie? How can I be sure that the

church teaches is true and not some fabricated story to keep us happy until we reach our end? I

would struggle with these thoughts in my head, feeling guilty for even considering them.

One time back in elementary, a friend of mine started to talk about how life was a

simulation, and our lives were fake. The topic made me feel cold dread. At some point, someone

asked what I thought. I just froze. I knew what I should've said, but the nagging voice in the back

of my head whispered, "What if they’re right?" That following Sunday I felt like a traitor. I felt

like the worst person in the world, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.

There would be times though, where I just knew that the teachings weren’t wrong, that

there had to be a God up there who cared for me. I've seen the impossible become possible

through miracles in front of my own eyes, and I've seen people overtaken by some thing and

perform incredible deeds. Every time I think, "How could I have ever questioned this?"
 Kakolewski 2

The turning point, that solidified my faith, happened after I joined my first youth group. I

had similar experiences in the past, over summer I’d go to a Christain camp. While there, it was

like I was on a spiritual high, but then I’d come home, and it would peter off. After my family

switched churches, my mom urged me to join the youth group. It was one of the best decisions

I've ever made. Being surrounded by likeminded people can do wonders for your self-assurance

of your beliefs. I found other people like me, others who had struggled with their faith. I finally

had people, outside of my family, who I could talk to about practically anything. I still haven’t

met anyone as genuinely kind as my old youth pastors. Tom and Lindsey didn’t treat me like a

child. They helped me understand more of what my calling in life may be and were just there for

me whenever I needed it. I honestly wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them.

That youth group was my ground zero in my faith; I’ve always believed but it had been a

blind faith. It was like I had truly opened my eyes for the first time, after I joined that youth

group. My whole internal struggle practically stopped after I joined; not to say the thoughts never

came back, but when they did, I didn't feel the same guilt as before. I felt free, like I was finally a

true believer. Now I want to give back and give others what I got: a solid base for my faith to

flourish.

I no longer wonder about what's going to happen to me after I die. My answer might be

different from the person next to me, or it may be the same, but that doesn’t make me spiral into

thousands of questions. I’m at peace with my life, and it feels amazing to not have that anxiety

hanging over my head anymore. If you asked me now about my existence, I’d be ready to

confidently give you my answer.