Wednesday, January 20, 2021

While every day recently has seemed like a difficult day to get through, today was particularly

unbearable. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and feel normal, but I don’t even know what normal is

anymore. I just want to feel happy and stress-free and I can barely remember what that’s like. What drives me

crazy is that the worst thing going on in my life right now is that we are out of oat milk and I got a B on

my paper… there is nothing life-altering or what other people would consider to be incredibly stressful going on,

yet I feel absolutely horrible most moments of the day. I just can’t shake this feeling that everything could go

wrong at any moment. It’s like I’m excessively and uncontrollably worried about everything and nothing
1
simultaneously. It’s torture. I’m terrified to tell anyone that I feel this way, and have felt this way for as long

as I can remember, because I know that this isn’t “normal” and the last thing I want is for people-- especially

my family and best friends-- to think I’m a complete nut-case. It’s wild that I can feel absolutely fine, just

taking a shower and minding my own business, and within seconds I am in shambles on the floor crying, barely

able to breathe. Sometimes I feel better within minutes and sometimes that feeling doesn’t stop for days. I just

need relief… I have this elephant size weight sitting on my chest at all times and I have no clue why. Am I

worried about my midterms that are coming up soon? Am I worried about paying for next quarter’s tuition?

Am I worried about the possibility of getting sick or my parents getting sick? Am I scared of dying in a freak

accident? The answer is yes. I am absolutely afraid of all those things, but am I actively thinking about being

afraid of them at this moment, no. But I still feel completely overwhelmed and anxious to the nth degree. I need

to try to figure this out because it’s gotten to the point where I’m exhausted from simply getting out of bed or
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taking a shower and I can’t keep living like this. Something needs to change.

1
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” New England Journal of Medicine
373, no. 21 (November 2015): 2059.
2
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2060.
Thursday, January 21, 2021

Today was a new day and I was so prepared to wake up early this morning, get a jump on my

homework (so I could watch Bachelor tonight), and even work out for a bit before it got too hot outside. But did

any of this happen? Nope. I really thought I could do it, but-- once again-- I just couldn’t get out of bed. I
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kept thinking about everything that I had to get done today and felt completely paralyzed. It wasn’t even that

many things!! But for whatever reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and start my day even though I

planned it out so diligently and worked out a schedule that allowed me to have plenty of breaks in between my

classes and doing my assignments. Now, I feel so guilty about not doing most of what I needed to do earlier

today that it’s making me even more anxious because now I have double the work to do tomorrow. I could

partially remedy this by staying up a little bit longer tonight and finishing at least one assignment, but I will

most likely not end up doing that because now I’m exhausted from worrying about everything that I have to do

tomorrow. This has become such a vicious and self-destructive cycle that I feel I have no control over my own

life anymore. I didn’t even get the chance to do some research to try and figure out what is going on with me.

That’s just one more thing I have to do tomorrow…

Friday, January 22, 2021

So, I finally did some research and how did I possibly get so lucky to be a part of the 5.7% of
4
Americans who suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?? I’ve never even won a school raffle, but

somehow I am lucky enough to be a part of the 5.7% of people living with “chronic and persistent worry.”5

After doing quite a bit of reading, I realized that this potential diagnosis actually makes a lot of sense.

First of all, women are twice as likely to experience anxiety disorders compared to men and a majority of cases

3
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2060.
4
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2059.
5
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2059.
begin in one’s late adolescence/early adulthood,6 and last time I checked I am a woman in my young adulthood,

so I fit that criteria perfectly. Also, the main symptoms other than recurrent and persistent feelings of anxiety

are gastrointestinal issues, headaches, extreme fatigue, insomnia, feeling helpless, compulsions, and ruminations or
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intrusive thoughts-- which are often tied to OCD, which we know runs in the family. This basically describes

the past year and a half of my life in a compact list of symptoms. GAD is also often tied to panic attacks,

which would explain my meltdowns at the most random times. But knowing the potential name/diagnosis of

what is causing me to feel so utterly hopeless and exhausted every day doesn’t help me resolve why I’m feeling

this way. I don’t know what to do. As much as I don’t want to, I think I need to talk to someone about this.

I’ve never thought of myself as a therapy-needing type of person because I had such an amazing childhood and

was raised by a supportive and loving family, but if there is even the slimmest possibility that psychotherapy can

be helpful to me (because everything I read seemed to think it was absolutely the right first step to take!)8 I

will give it a try. I also read about some basic lifestyle changes that I can make like avoiding screen time before
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bed, limiting my caffeine intake, doing daily meditations, exercising, and writing in a journal -- which I’ve been

doing for quite some time now and it hasn’t resolved any of my problems, but I am going to try my best to

trust the process and listen to what a therapist has to say. Obviously, this will not be an easy feat because I

am not the greatest at taking other people’s advice, but I am feeling pretty desperate to make a change and

start feeling in-control of my mind and body again. I will call a few therapists tomorrow and see what happens

from there.

6
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2059.
7
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2060.
8
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2065.
9
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2062.
Monday, January 25, 2021

After quite a bit of calling around today, I think I finally found someone that may be able to help

me. She is a nice, young woman who seemed to understand what I am going through and is willing to take me

on as a patient. She asked me to fill out some basic information forms, as well as a few evaluation

questionnaires. I guess I’ll get all of that done today before I meet with her tomorrow.

Thursday, January 28, 2021

I’m not sure if this whole therapy thing is for me or maybe she’s just not the right therapist. I’m not

sure yet. She’s telling me a lot of things that I already know like adapting my lifestyle to focus more on my

mental health and overall well-being which I have been trying to do for quite some time, very unsuccessfully I

might add. It’s just difficult because I spend most of the day thinking about why I’m anxious or over-thinking

every little detail and decision, so having to do it out-loud for another person is wholly exhausting. And I

thought I was tired before!! This just took that exhaustion to a whole new level. It’s only been one session, so

I’m not ready to give up just yet, but I think I may need something to help me through this part of the process.
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She actually recommended prescribing an antidepressant (SSRI) or a benzo like Xanax because they are

apparently very helpful in stopping this vicious cycle of feeling super anxious which causes my really horrible G.I.

problems, and then my G.I. problems making me even more anxious and preventing me from getting basic things

done like my schoolwork. I told her I had to think about it because I am not usually one to take medications of

any sort, but after the past few weeks, I will seriously consider meds as a viable option (but only temporarily, I

don’t want to start relying on them or get stuck taking them forever). I just want to feel like a person again.

10
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2063-2065.
Monday, February 1, 2021

Okay, so I am taking my therapist’s advice seriously and I decided to give medication a try in
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conjunction with her psychotherapy treatments. I am doing something I am rarely able to do and I’m going

with the flow. I’m starting to take it one day at a time and set small daily goals for myself rather than

attempting to hold myself to these wildly unattainable standards like I have been doing for most of my life. For

the first time in a long time, I am feeling hopeful. If I said that to anyone out loud it would sound so menial,

but right now, to me, that is better than I have felt in a really long time.

11
Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein, “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” 2066.
 References

Sareen, Jitender and Murray B. Stein. “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” New England Journal of
Medicine 373, no. 21 (November 2015): 2059-2068.
https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMcp1502514.