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Journey to Recovery | Emma de Lussac | TEDxMetropolitanSchoolofPanama
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After a lifetime of battling her own mind, Emma will be opening up about her
experience with mental illnesses. She will be sharing her story in hopes of
inspiring others to seek help and break the stigma associated with mental health.
Emma de Lussac is an 18-year-old senior who loves sports, learning new things, and
advocating for mental health. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED
conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at
https://www.ted.com/tedx
Transcript

00:04
hi
00:05
i'm emma i wish i could come on here
00:07
today and tell you all that i'm a
00:09
survivor
00:10
i survived with the disease with the
00:11
highest mortality rate of any other
00:13
mental illness
00:15
however the truth is i am a fighter
00:18
i am a fighter because every day is
00:20
still a battle against my own mind and
00:22
the voice is trying to bring me down
00:24
today i would like to give you an
00:26
understanding of eating disorders and
00:28
mental illnesses using my story
00:30
a story of pain tears fear denial
00:33
acceptance and finally recovery a story
00:37
that is far from over but that i have
00:38
chosen to make public because i want to
00:40
be able to help those who struggle like
00:42
i do
00:43
so here goes my story i grew up in a
00:46
loving family with both of my parents
00:48
and my two siblings
00:50
i loved sports i supporting running
00:52
swimming triathlon rugby
00:54
flag football i mean basically
00:56
everything however
00:58
since a very young age i felt a huge
01:00
pressure to succeed
01:01
there was a voice inside my head telling
01:03
me i wasn't good enough
01:04
that i wasn't worth it my parents
01:07
constantly told me that i was a very
01:09
negative person
01:10
i mean i had everything i needed to be
01:12
happy i was healthy
01:14
had a few friends i was a good student
01:16
but to me
01:17
it was just never good enough quickly i
01:20
began struggling with anxiety
01:22
sports were very important to me they
01:24
allowed me to release all of my stress
01:26
and anxiety nevertheless food quickly
01:28
became another coping mechanism
01:30
i was only six years old when i started
01:33
binging i would secretly go to the
01:35
kitchen
01:35
hide food and raise my clothes and run
01:37
back to my room
01:38
i remember the couple of times i was
01:40
caught i broke down and begged them all
01:42
to tell my parents
01:44
i wasn't eating because i was hungry i
01:46
was eating because
01:47
for a few minutes it gave me a sense of
01:49
relief i was able to breathe again
01:52
but afterwards i always felt so much
01:54
worse
01:55
when i turned eight my family and i
01:56
moved to panama and i arrived here
01:59
at the met in a new school i really
02:01
struggled to make friends
02:02
so instead i focused on what i knew well
02:04
and made me feel safe
02:06
sports as i got older sports became a
02:09
huge part of my identity
02:10
and slowly i started feeling like i
02:12
belonged now my sister and i are only
02:14
one year apart
02:15
so as she started getting older i
02:17
started comparing myself to her
02:19
more and more i've always had this
02:21
feeling like she was better than me and
02:23
to tell you the truth it really scared
02:25
me
02:25
so i started to push myself more and
02:28
more
02:29
i got into competitive sports and
02:31
quickly sports were no longer fun but
02:32
instead caused me so much stress and
02:34
anxiety i remember getting sick to my
02:37
stomach before
02:38
every swimming competition and i begged
02:40
my parents not to come
02:42
now you might be wondering why would i
02:44
want my parents to be there
02:46
why would i want them to cheer for me
02:47
like everyone else
02:49
the truth is i will scare them with
02:51
teammate fail
02:52
i wanted to be the perfect child the
02:54
best swimmer out there
02:56
because at the end of the day the only
02:57
thing i wanted was to make them proud
03:00
fast forward to 2017 i was training
03:03
twice a day while at the same time
03:04
school started getting more challenging
03:06
i would come home exhausted from
03:08
training and then i have to start
03:09
working
03:11
i was taking on way too much and soon
03:13
enough the voices inside my head became
03:15
so loud and the pressure had been taking
03:17
on just burst
03:18
i started binging and purging and
03:20
exercising whenever i had the chance
03:22
now i know how hard it must be to
03:24
understand like
03:26
why would somebody purposely make
03:27
themselves throw up most of you guys
03:29
probably think it's gross
03:30
but the truth is binging and purging is
03:32
an addiction
03:34
it's as if i was numb to the world and
03:35
purging was the only thing that made me
03:37
feel something
03:38
i think that the best way to describe it
03:40
is that resisting the urge to purge when
03:42
you have an eating disorder
03:43
is like resisting the urge to use drugs
03:45
for a drug addict
03:46
it's so exhausting both mentally and
03:48
physically and some days you just don't
03:50
have the strength to fight the urge
03:52
so instead i isolated myself kept on
03:55
pushing and i told myself i could do it
03:57
i told myself that i had it under
04:00
control
04:01
my teachers and coaches were all proud
04:03
of me i was really good at pretending
04:05
everything was okay
04:06
but after a few months my parents
04:08
started noticing my secretive behavior
04:10
they started noticing me rushing
04:12
straight to the bathroom after dinner
04:14
taking hour long showers my hair falling
04:16
out and the huge bags underneath my eyes
04:19
so one night they sat me down and
04:21
confronted me about everything
04:22
as they spoke to me i couldn't even look
04:24
at them i was so ashamed of myself i
04:27
wanted nothing more than to disappear
04:29
i will never forget that that night was
04:32
the first time i thought about killing
04:33
myself
04:34
the voices told me that i had failed and
04:36
that i was nothing more than a
04:37
disappointment
04:39
as time passed i stopped purging however
04:42
my relationship with food didn't get any
04:44
better
04:45
i felt guilty after every meal and would
04:47
only allow myself to eat if i was going
04:49
to train afterwards
04:51
in may of 2018 i qualified to become a
04:53
part of panama's national triathlon team
04:56
however due to all of the training and
04:59
my adequate diet i enjoyed myself
05:01
i had a stress fracture in my right leg
05:04
and suddenly i could no longer exercise
05:07
i identified as an athlete and to be
05:09
told i could no longer exercise
05:11
really scared me that same month one of
05:14
my best friends moved away
05:15
and i was really lonely on top of that i
05:18
was terrified for the next two years of
05:20
high school i would soon have to face
05:22
that summer things got bad my depression
05:25
completely depleted my appetite and
05:27
suddenly starving myself became so easy
05:30
i seemed to have a perfect life or at
05:32
least that's what i wanted everyone to
05:34
see
05:35
because it's easier that way it was
05:37
easier to fake a smell than having to
05:39
face all of my emotions and the pain i
05:40
was truly feeling
05:42
in september i was finally given
05:44
permission to exercise again
05:46
however i quickly realized i was not as
05:48
good as i used to be
05:50
i tried convincing myself i was simply
05:52
out of shape
05:53
but the truth was i was slowly
05:55
deteriorating
05:56
i was struggling to keep up with basic
05:58
training and i remember once in a while
06:00
thinking
06:01
it's been two days maybe i should eat
06:03
something
06:04
but the voices inside my head quickly
06:05
told me that i was fine because i had it
06:07
under control
06:08
on october 8th i woke up early to go to
06:11
training
06:12
i was extremely light-headed and i could
06:13
barely feel my legs
06:15
as i got ready to jump onto my bike my
06:17
coach took me aside
06:18
and this is when he told me the words i
06:19
will never forget
06:21
he told me that i was not okay that i
06:23
had been brainwashed and that he refused
06:25
to train an anorexic girl
06:27
hearing those words absolutely broke me
06:30
the coach once believed in me
06:32
had completely lost hope in me and i was
06:34
heartbroken
06:35
i was crying so much i could barely
06:37
breathe and i remember thinking my
06:39
entire world was falling apart
06:41
sports had always been such a huge part
06:43
of my life and once they were taken away
06:45
from me i felt like a huge purpose of my
06:47
life had been ripped away as well
06:49
at this point i had control over nothing
06:52
in my life other than school
06:53
and food and this is when things got bad
06:57
for the upcoming months things got worse
06:59
day after day
07:00
i was completely depressed and it was
07:02
becoming so much harder to get out of
07:04
bed in the morning
07:05
starving myself had become a
07:07
subconscious coping mechanism which i
07:09
used instead of having to feel
07:10
all the pain i was truly in by this
07:13
point my parents started becoming more
07:15
controlling
07:16
but that's the thing about eating
07:17
disorders they're all about being in
07:19
control
07:20
i like to think of my eating disorder as
07:22
a toxic friend
07:23
a friend who always finds me when i'm
07:25
alone comforts me and cares for me when
07:27
truly she just wants me dead
07:30
my eating disorder constantly fed me
07:32
lies and without realizing it i became
07:34
completely obsessive
07:36
the dinner table became a battlefield a
07:39
constant battle between not eating and
07:41
causing yet another argument
07:43
my pens shouting crying and my brother
07:46
running upstairs to hide from the
07:47
screams
07:48
i hated what i was doing to my family
07:50
but i couldn't stop
07:51
the voices were telling me that i didn't
07:53
deserve to stop
07:55
i know this must sound so silly and you
07:57
guys must be wondering why didn't she
07:58
just eat
07:59
the answer is that i couldn't eat
08:01
imagine having a million voices telling
08:03
you not to eat and screaming at you
08:05
if you do i was trapped and i didn't
08:08
know what to do
08:09
i didn't want to live like this but i
08:11
couldn't eat
08:12
i couldn't eat because that would mean
08:14
losing control and after having lost
08:16
control over
08:17
everything that mattered to me
08:19
controlling my food was the only thing
08:20
keeping me safe
08:24
by this point my life had absolutely no
08:26
meaning i no longer felt like a person
08:28
i had become a problem i was making my
08:30
family suffer
08:31
my friends no longer wanted to be around
08:33
me and the only thing keeping me company
08:35
was that voice inside my head
08:37
i had managed to isolate myself from
08:39
absolutely everybody i loved and slowly
08:41
day by day i was killing myself in
08:44
december i was finally diagnosed with
08:46
anorexia nervosa
08:47
i started seeing a team of doctors who
08:49
made it clear that i was not okay
08:51
i made them believe that i was willing
08:53
to get help but the truth is
08:54
i was convinced i wasn't sick enough my
08:57
eating disorder was telling me i didn't
08:59
deserve to get help and i hadn't
09:00
finished making myself suffer
09:03
so i attended my appointments and
09:05
decided to play along with the treatment
09:07
program
09:08
i knew i needed to do things right
09:10
because i wanted my parents to be proud
09:11
of me
09:12
so i told the doctors exactly what they
09:14
wanted to hear
09:16
just like that i made everybody believe
09:18
i was actually getting better
09:19
however my weight was still dropping i
09:22
was so scared i couldn't eat but i
09:24
needed to make them believe i was
09:25
getting weight
09:26
and so this is when i discovered that
09:28
one kilogram is equivalent to one liter
09:31
of water
09:32
i started drinking huge amounts of water
09:34
before every weighing just to make them
09:36
believe i was getting weight
09:38
and it worked just like that the number
09:40
on the scale went up
09:42
i had entered this vicious cycle in
09:43
which every time i had to get weight i
09:45
needed to drink more water for the
09:47
weight i had lost
09:48
i would drink up to five liters of water
09:50
and would end up in pain and unable to
09:53
move
09:54
but after all the normal scale went up
09:56
and everybody was proud of me
09:58
but at this point i wasn't only fooling
10:00
my doctors i was fooling myself i was
10:04
miserable and nobody knew what to do
10:06
with me
10:07
i was constantly freezing my hair was
10:09
falling out in tongues
10:10
and my heart pains became so unbearable
10:12
i would stick my nails into my chest
10:14
just to distract me from the pain
10:16
but still i was convinced that my
10:18
doctors were trying to harm me
10:20
every time a step was taking forward to
10:22
help me i would do
10:23
everything in my power to break it down
10:25
i would throw my food away flush my
10:27
lunch down the toilet
10:29
go on secret runs and even go to the gym
10:31
after school
10:32
in march doctors told me that i had
10:34
gotten too weak and i needed to take
10:35
some time off from school
10:37
i refused i screamed at her and begged
10:39
her to change her mind
10:41
i told her that absolutely everything in
10:43
my life had been taken away from me
10:44
already
10:45
and the only thing i had left was school
10:47
but no matter how much i cried they
10:49
didn't change their mind
10:50
so i spent the next two weeks in bed
10:52
eating five meals a day which my
10:54
parents supervised two weeks later i
10:56
seemed to be doing a bit better
10:58
i had gained some weight and my vitals
11:00
had improved my parents were proud of me
11:02
and i recall feeling like i was in
11:03
control again
11:05
however i remember coming back to school
11:07
for two weeks and realizing
11:09
nobody had noticed i've been gone nobody
11:11
came to grade me and my friends walked
11:13
past me as if i'd never left
11:15
i felt absolutely worthless realizing i
11:18
didn't matter when my suicidal thoughts
11:20
come back and in just one month
11:22
i absolutely fell apart so in may i was
11:25
hospitalized
11:27
my heart rate was dangerously low and
11:29
there was barely anything left of me
11:31
i felt like a complete failure why
11:33
couldn't i just be normal
11:35
why was i doing this to myself i didn't
11:38
want to accept the reality
11:39
the reality that i was not okay that i
11:42
did not have it under control
11:44
i just wanted my life to end so i spent
11:47
the next few months on bed rest
11:49
supervised by a team of doctors and
11:51
nurses who might completely fooled
11:53
i mean i was a terrible patient i
11:55
screamed cried hid my food
11:58
exercised in the shower and even
11:59
disconnected my feeding tube
12:01
i mean at this point i was so depressed
12:03
i didn't see my life getting any better
12:06
however the only thing keeping me going
12:08
was my family
12:09
they were the only ones who never once
12:11
gave up on me
12:12
and fought for my life when i could no
12:14
longer fight for myself
12:16
i had put them through so much and
12:17
that's when i realized that the least i
12:19
could do was recover for them
12:22
i remember falling asleep and praying to
12:24
god that i would wake up the next
12:25
morning
12:26
because i just couldn't stand the
12:27
thought of them having to deal with my
12:29
death anymore
12:31
in june i was taken straight from the
12:32
hospital to the airport and my family
12:34
and i traveled to cape town south africa
12:37
upon my arrival i was admitted straight
12:39
into an inpatient facility
12:41
specializing in depression anxiety
12:43
self-harm and eating disorders
12:45
i met so many other amazing teens who
12:48
actually understood what i was going
12:49
through
12:50
and nobody ever judged me for who i was
12:53
we attended daily therapy sessions and
12:55
workshops with specialized therapists
12:56
and i was given a new treatment team who
12:58
provided me with so much support
13:01
i remember in panama i was blamed for
13:03
having an eating disorder
13:04
as if it was something i would i had
13:06
chosen and was selfishly doing to myself
13:09
but my new doctors helped me realize
13:10
that this was not a choice
13:12
it was not my fault and that i was sick
13:16
after three weeks i was discharged and
13:18
went back home
13:19
the first two weeks were heavenly i
13:21
finally had energy again and i remember
13:23
feeling happiness for the first time in
13:25
years
13:26
however i had been trapped in a hospital
13:28
for so long that being back in the real
13:30
world was actually really scary
13:32
so unfortunately i allowed the voice to
13:34
come back into my head
13:35
and once again things quickly went
13:37
downhill
13:39
in only a few days i relapsed and i was
13:41
immediately readmitted into a kiso
13:45
the doctors then realized that the rules
13:47
of my anorexia went down much further
13:48
than they originally thought
13:51
this time things were so much harder i
13:53
had been a prisoner of my own mind for
13:55
so long that battling my thoughts every
13:58
day was a
13:58
constant battle however i had been given
14:01
the opportunity to experience
14:03
freedom and happiness and this time i
14:05
was sure of it i wanted to live
14:08
i completed four more weeks of inpatient
14:11
treatment which were by far some of the
14:12
most difficult weeks of my life
14:14
because i was forced to face all of the
14:16
emotions that i had been
14:18
bottling up for years i was so too weak
14:21
to take part in most of the activities
14:22
offered by the clinic
14:24
so once again i was put on bed rest but
14:27
i realized that i did not want to live
14:29
like this i did not want to be told that
14:31
i was too weak to walk around or play
14:33
soccer with my friends or even help
14:34
carry the groceries
14:36
i literally wasn't allowed to do
14:37
anything apart from eating and resting
14:40
but feeling this useless actually made
14:42
me want to fight harder for my life
14:45
i didn't know who i was anymore i had
14:47
completely lost touch with myself
14:49
but i wanted to give myself myself a
14:52
chance to live
14:53
and discover who emma truly was it has
14:56
now been over a year since i have come
14:58
back home and started my recovery
15:00
my road to recovery has not been a
15:02
steady one and i have been faced with so
15:04
many challenges along the way
15:06
however after a lifetime of battling my
15:08
own mind i no longer feel alone
15:11
mental illnesses are such a taboo topic
15:13
which are so looked down upon by society
15:15
i mean i have to admit myself i was
15:17
never educated upon the subject
15:19
for years i was miserable and i was
15:21
stuck in such a dark place
15:23
and i wish somebody would have told me
15:25
that i would be okay that i was not
15:27
crazy and i was not alone
15:30
up until recently i had never told
15:32
anyone that i struggled with mental
15:34
health issues
15:35
i remember my best friend telling me
15:37
that she knew i wasn't anorexic because
15:39
she knew i would never do that to myself
15:41
but eating disorders are not a choice
15:44
mental illnesses are serious
15:45
life-threatening diseases which take 8
15:47
million lives every year
15:50
mental illnesses have no face and it is
15:52
often the people that you least expected
15:54
who are truly suffering
15:56
i wish i hadn't let it get this bad i
15:59
wish i'd gotten help earlier and i
16:00
hadn't wasted my teenage years putting
16:02
on a fake smile and hating myself
16:05
but that's the problem of today's
16:06
society you weren't taken seriously
16:08
until you
16:09
physically look sick i was sick for
16:11
years and people only started showing
16:13
concern once there was barely anything
16:15
left of me
16:16
i was only admitted to the hospital once
16:18
i had lost over 20 kilos and my heart
16:20
was on the verge of failing
16:21
unfortunately people still
16:23
view physical health and mental health
16:25
in the same way and it can be so hard to
16:27
ask for help due to this stigma
16:29
myself i had always been too ashamed and
16:31
embarrassed of what people would think
16:32
of me
16:33
opening up is so scary but i have
16:35
realized there's no point in trying to
16:36
hide my reality
16:38
the truth is yes i do suffer with
16:40
anxiety depression and anorexia
16:43
but after going through hell i have
16:45
chosen to live
16:46
chosen to get better and i am putting
16:48
absolutely all of my energy
16:50
into my recovery and i should not be
16:51
ashamed of that
16:53
i want to reach out to anyone who might
16:56
be struggling and say please keep
16:57
fighting and please accept help
17:00
you are so much stronger than you think
17:01
and i promise you
17:03
things will get better i have been given
17:05
a second chance at life and i am
17:07
so excited to discover everything my
17:09
future holds
17:10
thank you
17:29
you

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