CONTENTS

Disclaimer .............................................................................................................. 3
Introduction ........................................................................................................... 4
Chapter 1: Why Even Bother to Forgive? .............................................................. 5
Chapter 2: What is Real Forgiveness Anyway? .................................................... 11
Chapter 3: What are the Benefits of Forgiveness? .............................................. 17
Chapter 4: The Right Way to Forgive ................................................................... 21
Conclusion ........................................................................................................... 34
Additional Resources ........................................................................................... 35
Disclaimer
We hope you enjoy reading this publication; however we do suggest you read
our disclaimer.

All the material written in this document is provided for informational purposes
only and is general in nature.

Every person is a unique individual and what has worked for some or even many
may not work for you. Any information perceived as advice must be considered in
light of your own particular set of circumstances.

The author or person sharing this information does not assume any responsibility
for the accuracy or outcome of your use of the content.

Every attempt has been made to provide well researched and up to date content
at the time of writing. Now all the legalities have been taken care of, please enjoy
your reading!
Introduction
It's easy to say that we should forgive. It's easy to think about forgiving other
people. We can quickly wrap our minds around the benefits of forgiveness. The
problem is, forgiving is one of those things in life that is easy to think and talk
about, but hard to do.

For most people, it takes a lot of time to forgive. In fact, in many cases, it's
actually the passage of time that lets the forgiveness happen by default. Put
another way, they simply forget.

But that's not real forgiveness. Real forgiveness is a purposeful and intentional
action. It's something that you choose to do. In this book, you are going to learn
the art, the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness varies from person to person. All people have a different set of
circumstances regarding the past hurts that they are trying to overcome.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to forgiveness. It varies from person to

person, from life to life, and from situation to situation.

If we were going to talk about forgiveness as some sort of unbending, ironclad

science that can be reduced into a formula, we would be lying to you. No such
thing exists. For you to forgive, you can stick to certain frameworks, but you have
to customize them and get them to make sense in your particular life.

One person's way of forgiving ultimately will be his own. It's unique. Just as his
own life and his experiences are unique.

This book provides a framework for forgiveness. But ultimately, it is your

responsibility to tweak, modify and change these to fit your particular set of
circumstances.

You have to make the first move. You have to take that initiative.
Chapter 1: Why Even Bother to Forgive?
Why should you forgive? Why even try?

Believe it or not, forgiveness is for you. It's not for the other person. In fact, it is
one of the most self-centered and self-serving things you can do.

Put another way, if you truly love and respect yourself, you have to learn how to
forgive. Forgiveness is one important life skill you need to learn. It is always in the
mix.

Let's get real here. We live in a complicated world. There are all sorts of
overlapping boundaries and we are bound to be offended, hurt or stepped on
along the way. Knowing the reasons why you should forgive is an essential first
step to learning how to forgive others.

Otherwise, it's going to be really hard for you to live a happy and contented life.
It's just not going to happen. When you don't forgive, ultimately, the only person
that you hurt is you.

A lot of people are under the impression that if they withhold forgiveness, that
they are somehow, some way, hurting the other person. They're giving that
person what they deserve. They are somehow getting back at that person.

Totally wrong. It doesn't make any sense. That person has moved on. In fact, that
person might have even forgotten what he did to you. You are just one of many
other people in this world.

There he is, enjoying his life, doing his thing, and here you are, stewing. And the
more you think about how you were hurt, abused, neglected or otherwise
harmed, the more vivid the hurt becomes.

It is not a part of your past when you keep focusing on it, because it continues to
burn today. This is the main reason why you need to forgive.

The more you think about what happened in the past and the more you feel you
need vindication, payback, revenge, or some sort of resolution, the less likely it is
that you will find contentment.

It's like having an itch you cannot scratch. You have this piece of mental and
emotional peanut butter stuck on the roof of your mind. You know it's there, but
you can't dislodge it.

No matter what you do, no matter how exciting or fulfilling your life may be, you
still feel incomplete. You still feel that there is a serious problem with your life
and you refuse to be happy because you have an issue with the past.

This is the main reason why you should forgive: it brings completion.
If you're still not convinced, here are the most common reasons why people
have a tough time forgiving.

• You Believe That The Person Who Hurt You Doesn't Deserve Forgiveness

What happened to you may have been totally unfair and uncalled for. It may have
been very traumatic. The problem is, forgiveness is not about the other person. It
has nothing to do with whether he deserves it or not.

Maybe he refuses to say sorry. Perhaps he is not even aware what he did was
wrong or affected you in such a major way. Some people might even think they
were completely right in doing what they did. They can easily find a million
excuses.

None of these matter because forgiveness is all about you.

When you allow yourself to forgive, you reclaim your life. You're no longer held
back by the past. You can live your life based on your desires and goals and
dreams today.

Your life is complete because there's nothing to resolve from the past. There's
nothing to fix from the past.

Better yet, you’re not waiting for others (others who you can’t control, mind you)
to get their act together and get right with you. It doesn’t matter what’s going on
with them or what they are or aren’t aware of. Least of all, it is totally irrelevant if
they feel sorry or not - although it would be nice if they did.

Instead, letting go means reclaiming your life. It is an act of self-ownership and

taking back control of your life. Nobody can take this power from you.

• People Refuse to Forgive Because They are Consumed By Revenge

The idea that revenge is a dish best served cold is a lie. It is never cold because
the more you think about revenge, the more the hurt, the pain, the
embarrassment, the humiliation and the shame burn hotter and deeper in your
mind.
Thoughts of revenge keep the harm, that you feel you suffered, alive. It continues
to burn. Today. Right here. Right now.

Far from dampening your memories of pain, humiliation, abandonment, or abuse,

thoughts of revenge make sure your bad memories burn bright hot. It is a fire that
consumes you deep inside. The more you focus on it, the more this internal
emotional and psychological inferno grows. It burns you, not the other person.

The revenge that you imagine, however, cannot take place because you and the
other person have changed. Imagine tracking and hunting down the person who
hurt you. That person may be a completely different person. What happens then
to your revenge?

Revenge only works when you exact justice on the identical person who hurt you.
Everybody changes. Revenge only makes you change for the worse. Let go of
revenge and focus on something else more worthy of your attention.

• People Refuse to Forgive Because They Don't Want to Let Their Guard
Down

Forget about "forgive and forget." That is a dead end – figuratively and sometimes
literally. You CAN be safe when you forgive. Just because you forgive doesn’t
mean that you give the offender the green light to harm you again. There is
another option: you can choose to forgive and remember.

This should be your default action anyway.

Whenever you go through an experience, it's always a good idea to remember the
lessons that experience brought. The pain that you went through is one of life's
lessons. It doesn't have to consume you. Just remember its lessons so you can
benefit from it.

When you forgive and remember, you don't go back to the same place. Instead, it
becomes a stepping stone for you to reach greater heights in your life.
 • People Refuse to Forgive Because They Don't Want The Offender to Keep
On Harming Other People

Another common reason why people refuse to forgive is because the offender
might harm other people.

The problem with refusing to forgive is that you don't break the other person’s
behavioral cycle. When you refuse to forgive, you're not talking to that person
and communicating to him the harm that he did to you. He is not learning from
his behavioral pattern. He might not even have a clue about what you feel. Even if
he did, he might not care.

When you refuse to forgive, you are actually allowing him to continue harming
other people, including you! When you forgive and communicate that
forgiveness, you get an opportunity to let the other person know what he’s doing
wrong. This can be a learning experience for him, just as for you.

• People Refuse to Forgive Because They Feel like Nothing is Going to

Change

Please understand that the toothpaste is already outside its tube. The events
already happened. That's not going to change. Focus instead on picking up the
pieces and making sure they don't continue to cut you.

Certain parts of your life were already shattered because of this past act. Isn't it
time for you to forgive and move on so that these fragments don't continue to
hurt you today?

As already mentioned, this doesn't mean that you have to forget. Instead, this
means that you have to learn from what happened and allow it to move you
forward.

Obviously, not everybody you come across will hurt you. It should be obvious to
you that everybody's different. Just because one person hurt you, it doesn't mean
everybody will hurt you.
Learn about that situation and that person. Don't let the pain of that experience
poison your other relationships.

• People Refuse to Forgive Because Doing So Doesn't Always Bring Back

Their Former, Previous Relationships

Understand that forgiveness is different from reconciliation. Forgiveness is for

you.

When you reconcile, you bring your previous friendship or your relationship back
to its old form. That may not always be possible. In many cases, it might not even
be desirable. What is clear is that you need to forgive so you personally can move
on.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your future. Stop carrying around this poison that
burns deep and threatens to spoil all your other relationships.
Chapter 2: What is Real Forgiveness Anyway?
Even if you know that you need to forgive, and you're clear as to the reasons why,
you still have to be mindful of what real forgiveness is and isn't.

A lot of people like to say that they have forgiven others for certain traumatic
experiences that they've suffered in the past. But it turns out that they did not
really forgive. And that's why they continue to struggle. They continue to remain
frustrated.

Keep these things in consideration:

• Real Forgiveness Takes Place On Both the Mental and Emotional Level

A lot of people have a tough time really forgiving others, because they cannot
translate their realization of their need to forgive with a real emotional sense of
having forgiven.
In other words, there's a disconnect between what they feel in their heart and
what's going through their mind. It's too easy for people to compartmentalize
forgiveness as a purely intellectual action.

The reality: unless forgiveness sinks from your mind to your heart, and impacts
not only what you think but what you say and do, you haven't really forgiven. You
will still continue to remember and live out the past hurt and trauma. And it
continues feelings to fester and grow.

• You Cannot Think Your Way Into Forgiveness

There's a strong disconnect between the emotional reality of painful memories

and cold intellectual logic. You can think that it’s unreasonable to feel hurt. You
can come up with all sorts of mitigating circumstances as to why you shouldn't
feel as embarrassed and humiliated as you were by somebody else's past act. But
none of that washes because of the deep of betrayal, hurt, embarrassment,
abandonment or abuse that you feel.

These are real. You cannot out-think them, you cannot rationalize them, and you
cannot justify them in your mind. You can't just crush them with the iron hammer
of reason.

• Real Forgiveness Always Has to Involve Emotions

It's easy to say that you forgive your father for emotionally abandoning you as a
child because you can always rationalize it with the fact that he had to go abroad
to put food on the table. Your diploma, your first car, even your first house, may
be due to the fact that your dad was there for you financially.

This makes sense intellectually, but it doesn't make the hurt go away of that little
five-year-old girl waking up and asking her mom where daddy is. And these
feelings and questions may last for ten to fifteen years (or maybe the rest of her
life).
 • Real Forgiveness Addresses Anger

Ultimately, past hurts lead to anger. There may be a lot of sadness involved. There
can be a sense of humiliation, pain, or yearning, but anger is always part of the
mix. The more you deny that there is anger, the more you compartmentalize your
forgiveness.

You think you're forgiving, but something's missing. It doesn't ring completely
true. This doesn't mean that it's a lie. But it's not complete because you refuse to
address the anger.

Your father could explain to you that he needed to leave because he and your
mom just simply didn't get along. As an adult, you can understand that. Things do
happen.

But this doesn't address the anger of that little girl who did not have a father
during grade school functions, birthday parties, high school awards ceremonies,
sports events, or elementary, junior high and high school athletic events.

• Real Forgiveness Involves Time Travel (When the Event Happened Years
Earlier)

Believe it or not, real forgiveness must involve you speaking to your earlier self.
I'm not talking about actually verbally speaking to that person. This person's
entirely in your head.

Still, the reason you feel so hurt and disappointed today is because there's still
that eight-year-old boy, five-year-old girl, or an earlier version of you that is stuck
in your head. Those versions need completion. They need to be resolved. This
requires time travel.

You're going to have to ask yourself, "What was I like during that time? What was
the context? How can I make sense of what happened to me when I was that
age?"

You have to communicate to yourself at that level. Otherwise, you're just talking
to your adult self.
If you have achieved some level of maturity, your adult self may be
understanding, compassionate, even-minded, considerate, experienced and
thoughtful. Try talking to your inner child.

A five-year-old kid only considers the views of one person in this universe. Who is
that? The five-year-old kid.

You have to go to that level. Otherwise, all your attempts at rationalizing are just
mental band-aids you put on a deep psychic bullet wound. You have to see eye to
eye with your inner child. It has to make sense in his terms.

When you do this, you heal what's missing. That inner child is missing a piece. And
when you go back and connect at that level, that piece is restored.

• Real Forgiveness Addresses Your Inner Victim

It's very tempting for a lot of people to say, "Well, I'm an adult now. I am a victor,
not a victim. I am the master of my own destiny and it is my personal
responsibility to ensure my personal happiness and contentment in the here and
now."

That all sounds great.

But if you bypass the part of you that is a victim, you are simply engaging in
denial.

You have to speak to the victimized part of your psyche. That's the part that hurts
or feels that something is missing or feels inadequate. That's the part that erodes
your self confidence and self-esteem today.

You have to assure that part of yourself. You have to complete him. You have to
relate to him. And this requires relating to the victim.

In other words, this is a part of your psyche that you'd rather deny and ignore.
This is a part of your psyche that really embarrasses you because you're supposed
to be this autonomous, responsible person who has got his or her act together.
But you know, deep down inside, that there's this victim. This person went
through trauma and is now incomplete, feeling inadequate and hurt. This bubbles
up to the surface so you have to go deep down and connect with that part of
yourself.

• Real Forgiveness Means Connecting with Your Needs

You have to ask yourself, "What does the victimized part of me really mean?" Did
your mother spend time with you? Did your mother give you enough hugs? Did
your mother take your side? Did she support you in all ways?

Did she always compare you with other people? Was she very demanding and it
seemed like no matter what you achieved, no matter how good you were at
anything, it was never enough?

You have to consider these questions and you have to ask yourself, "What did I
really need?" That's how forgiveness works. It's all about plugging in what was
missing and letting that process heal itself.

• Loving Unconditionally Can Only Go So Far

If you are a victim of abuse by a parent, it's very easy to say that "I'm just going to
love my parents unconditionally. My parent did the best he or she could with
what he or she knew at that time."

In large part, this "works." You are able to overcome a lot of your negative
feelings about the person who hurt you in the past, especially a parent. The
problem is, the anger is still there because it's not resolved.

When you decide to forgive the other person unconditionally, the anger is
circumvented. You're not really speaking to that inner child of yours that is still
hurt. And when kids hurt, they lash out, they're angry, they're upset.

Real forgiveness always includes the person that you were. Any memory of the
pain must be in the context of that person.
In other words, you're giving your inner child proper value. You're not saying to
your inner child, "Well, you're an adult now. Grow up."

When you do that, the anger dissipates. It starts to heal.

You have to be compassionate enough to yourself to be able to forgive others.

And this compassion often involves your past self.

It doesn't matter what age that past self is. It can be the 5-year-old girl that was
physically abused by her mom, it could be the 10-year-old kid that was bullied by
his older brother, or it can be the 28-year-old who was publicly humiliated by his
boss.

You have to connect with that person inside you because that person's feelings
are important. They're always in the mix.

This is real forgiveness. Anything else is fake. Anything else is a rationalization or

an otherwise elaborate attempt to sweep things under the rug.

The problem with sweeping things under the rug is that, eventually, that hill that
you're building in the middle of your emotional and mental home gets bigger and
bigger, and it consumes you in the end. You're denying more things that you care
to acknowledge and realize. Fortunately, there is a better way, and this is what
will be discussed in the next chapter.
Chapter 3: What are the Benefits of Forgiveness?
When you let go of grudges, hurts and bitterness, you improve yourself on so
many levels.

In what follows, are the benefits of forgiveness. Please note that this is an
incomplete list and covers only the major categories of the benefits of
forgiveness. Often, the real benefit of forgiveness truly boils down to being able
to live your particular life to the highest level. This varies from person to person.

Your relationships become healthier

When you refuse to forgive yourself or other people, your relationships suffer
because you either use your relationships to compensate, or you project a lot of
your hurts, disappointments and sense of shame to the people who love you the
most.
As the old saying goes, we hurt the ones who we love the most. It makes a lot of
sense because when you are with people with whom you completely trust and
love, you have your guard down and they have their guards down.
When you learn how to forgive – and forgive not just once, not just twice, but all
the time – your relationships become healthier. You give people the benefit of the
doubt.

In other words, you act like a person who's really in that relationship, not just
somebody who is ultra sensitive and constantly calling people to account because
you feel so hurt.

Forgiveness leads to better mental health

When you have a tough time forgiving, you are constantly on edge. You're either
waiting to be offended or trying hard not to offend others. You also tend to be
too sensitive.

This has a rough effect on your mental health. You worry a lot, you become very
petty, you blow things out of proportion, and your degraded mental health can
get the better of you to the point that people don't want to be around you.

Forgiveness reduces overall hostility, stress and anxiety

When you are dealing with a past hurt, you are always on your guard and you're
always looking to push back. After all, you got hurt, so you won't hesitate to give
somebody a piece of your mind. You have a chip on your shoulder.

When you learn how to forgive, there's nothing to prove. There's nothing to push
back for. And this releases you from a tremendous amount of stress, anxiety and
mental pressure.

Forgiveness results in decreased high blood pressure

People who have a tough time forgiving are always tense, and this can be rough
on your blood pressure. It seems like it's only a matter of seconds until some sort
of crisis flares up. That's how you interpret things because you're dealing with this
inner fire that you're carrying around with you.
When you learn how to forgive, that goes away. This leads to decreased blood
pressure, which of course leads to less probability of a stroke or heart attack.
Forgiveness results in lowered chances for depression

One of the most common ways people get depressed is when they keep focusing
on a past hurt. What would have otherwise been something local, small, and
relatively harmless, gets blown out of proportion.

When this is layered on to other things that you are upset, disappointed and sad
about, it shouldn't be a shock that you feel depressed. You feel unloved, you feel
that you're not worth much, or you feel that you're incompetent, and all these
put you in a negative downward spiral.

It doesn't matter how accomplished you are, it doesn't matter how wealthy you
are, and it doesn't matter how much power you manage to accumulate in life. The
moment you get into that depression downward spiral, it's hard to get out. It's a
pit that only goes in one direction: down.

Failure to forgive makes you more susceptible to depression. It exaggerates its

symptoms and prolongs bouts of depression.

Forgiveness results in improvements to your immune system

When you're carrying around the heavy burden of past hurts, embarrassments,
humiliations and anger, you're flooding your system with adrenaline and cortisol,
the stress hormones. This is murder on your immune system.

You get triggered by a past memory and you feel really angry. You want to lash
out. That's the adrenaline flowing through your system, and it's rough on your
body. Eventually, your immune system starts to break down, and you get sick
more easily, things such as colds and long-term damage to your arteries.

When you learn how to forgive, you take yourself out of that fight or flight state.
Forgiveness improves your self-esteem

When you have enough time forgiving other people, eventually it comes back to
you. As the Buddha famously analogized, refusing to forgive others is like carrying
around a fire in the palm of your hands. The only person that it's hurting is you.
And one of the most common ways this is expressed is through your self-esteem.

When you cannot forgive somebody who cheated on you, for example, you start
thinking that your future partner or your current partner will cheat on you. After
all, that person who hurt you cheated on you and betrayed your trust.

It escapes you that that is abnormal behavior. Instead, you start thinking that
there's something about you that the partners simply don't like. Maybe you
deserve it. Maybe it's just bound to happen. And the more you hang on to the
past hurt, the more it eats into your self-esteem because you blame yourself.

However, when you learn how to forgive, you realize that it is their problem, not
yours.

Here’s another example. You were five years old when your father left the family.
You're angry at him, but deep down inside, there's a part of you who is convinced
that he left because of you, and this is bound to affect your self-esteem
negatively.

When you let go and learn to forgive, your self-esteem also improves.

Understand that the benefits of forgiveness outweigh whatever satisfaction that

stewing in anger, disappointment, pain and fear brings. Focus on what you stand
to gain. If that doesn't work, focus on what you stand to lose if you continue on
this path.
Chapter 4: The Right Way to Forgive
By this point, you should have a clear idea of the wrong ways that you can forgive.
Whether you're forgiving yourself or others, there is definitely a right way and a
wrong way of doing it. In fact, there are so many wrong ways.

In this chapter, we are going to step you through the process of correctly forgiving
and letting go. Whether you're forgiving yourself or another person, this step-by-
step process will finally enable you to get out from under the tremendous amount
of psychological and emotional pressure caused by your previous inability to
forgive.

Step #1: Remember this. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how you were hurt.

The first thing that you need to understand about forgiveness is that you
shouldn't obsess about the past hurt that you went through.

Maybe people laughed at you, maybe somebody you truly cared about betrayed
you or cheated on you, maybe your friends lied to you, or perhaps your parents
weren't there for you or they neglected you. There are just so many variations of
this. But they all lead to the same place when it comes to forgiveness: it doesn't
matter.

Don't focus so much on the past wrong that it just blows up and gets bigger and
bigger. That's what happens when you focus on the past hurt. You end up feeding
it instead of choking it because you let the details get to you.

Whatever you focus on, grows. And it becomes harder and harder for you to put
that thing in the rear view mirror of your life. You end up reliving the experience
and, worst of all, feeling all sorts of negative emotions.

This does not in any way, shape, or form mean that what happened to you is
inconsequential and meaningless. Obviously, it was important. But understanding
that the kind of hurt doesn't really matter in the end, is crucial. Otherwise, you
are going to be nitpicking your way through the forgiveness process and end up
making things much harder on yourself.

In fact, most people who try to forgive that way never make it through. It just
simply doesn't happen.

So the first thing is to understand that regardless of what happened, it should not
matter when it comes to forgiveness. At the end of the day, you still have to
forgive because you're doing it for yourself. You're not doing it for the other
person.

You're not doing it to improve someone else. You're not doing it to make a point.
You're doing it for yourself because there is a part of you that got victimized.
There's a part of you that is incomplete to this day.

It is your responsibility to do something about it, right here, right now. Fixating on
the specifics or how "special" the problem is doesn't help.

So, ultimately, you must resolve that it doesn't matter what it is or how rough or
special or abnormal it was. You have to forgive. And you have to do it now.
Step #2: Believe that you can forgive.

The second step that you need to understand and carry out is the fact that you
CAN forgive. Please understand that this is a loaded idea. You shouldn’t just blow
through this step by assuming it.

I'm not talking about forgiveness being possible for other people, or forgiveness
being possible as some sort of overarching philosophical concept. You have to
believe that forgiveness is possible, not just in terms of other people or as a
universal principle, but for you as well.

That's right, you must believe that you can forgive. You. Not a third party or
some sort of distant role model. Not in an ideal setting or at the ‘right time.’
Instead, we are talking about forgiveness right here, right now. This is what makes
it real. You have to believe it. You have to trust your belief. You have to let your
belief truly sink in.

Real Belief Has Effects

It's one thing to say I believe in love or forgiveness, but it's another to believe it
for real. When people truly believe, what they talk about and how they behave
changes in line with the change in their thinking.

Belief is not just a mental process that stays in your head. That doesn't do you
much good. It has to translate into the things you say and the things you do.
That's how you know you truly believe.

Anybody can say they believe in all sorts of things, but until you can see a real
change in their behavior, they're just blowing smoke. Worse yet, they may just be
trying to fool themselves.

Step #3: Decide to Forgive.

One common mistake people make during the forgiveness process is to

automatically assume a straight connection between their thoughts and their
actions. They think that once they truly believe that forgiveness is possible, then
everything else kicks into gear.
It doesn't work that way. You actually have to decide to forgive.

This is not a formality. This is not an empty ritual. This is not you going through
some sort of checklist or action plan. Because when you send signals to yourself
(through your decision to forgive), you are clearly making a choice to forgive.

You draw a line in the sand. You make it clear to yourself that the person that you
were before is going to be different from the person you're going to be from this
point on. That's how powerful a conscious choice is.

This is something that you can't just assume. This is not just some sort of passing
feeling that you have or a temporary moment of mental and emotional clarity.
This has to be intentional.

When you make the choice to forgive, write it down. If you don't yet keep a
journal, start keeping a journal now. There has to be some sort of record that you
can look at that reminds you that you have made the affirmative decision to
forgive.

Step #4: Understand Whom You're Forgiving.

Please remember that when you decide to forgive, you're always forgiving two
people. You are forgiving the person who caused the harm, the abandonment,
the hurt, the abuse, the betrayal or the pain, and other emotions you felt… and
yourself.

Don't forget that second part. You have to forgive yourself.

When your boss publicly called you an idiot in front of other people and basically
made you look like a fool ten years ago, there was a part of you that remained
stuck in that timeline of your life. You can't just say, "I forgive my boss and I
choose to move on." You have to involve that past persona of yours.

Believe it or not, he or she still exists. The fact that you are feeling these present
negative emotions about authority, about supervisors, about higher-ups, about
structured work environments, are all reflections of your unresolved needs.
Forgiveness involves that person - you.

Similarly, if your father used to physically or sexually abuse you, that part of you
has to be included in the group of people you're going to have to forgive.
Otherwise, you will continually blame yourself for what you could have done
differently, or what you should have done. Often, there is nothing that you could
have done, but you still blame yourself for playing a role in what happened to
you.

Step #5: Make sure you include everyone in your forgiveness list.

As we’ve mentioned above, there are two main characters that you are forgiving
whenever you choose to forgive – the other person and you.

Forgiving the actual person who caused the harm. This is the bully that pulled
down your pants and exposed you to laughter, ridicule, and embarrassment in the
fifth grade. This is the girl you loved, but who then repaid your affection by
cheating on you. This can be a wide range of people. And then there is you.

Do not stop there. Those are the two main characters, but who else is there?

Going back to the public bullying, you're probably resentful of the people who
witnessed you being embarrassed and humiliated and who didn't lift a finger to
help you. Worse yet, they laughed at you. They pointed fingers. They reminded
you, week after week, month after month, possibly year after year, of what
happened then. They have to be part of your list.

To gain closure on one traumatic part of your life, everything and everyone must
be accounted for to the best of your memory.

Create a complete list of characters. You don't have to go into clinical detail as to
their specific roles. You don't have to write some sort of cast of characters like
you were a playwright or a novelist. Just write down the names and the emotions
that you feel connected to those names from the past.
Create a complete list. It doesn't have to be fully described. It doesn't have to go
into extreme detail. Just cover the whole cast of characters so that the wide range
of emotions that you felt during that traumatic experience is fully addressed.
Remember that no one is going to read it. This is for your own self-exploration
and benefit in healing.

Step #6: Acknowledge your anger.

Different people hurt in different ways. But regardless of our difference in

backgrounds and surface differences, we all share anger.

When your father or your mother deserted your family when you were 8 years
old, it's easy to think that you were just sad about it. It's easy to think that you still
love your father or your mother today and you're just sad that, for the longest
time, they were out of your life.

But let's get real.

There is anger deep down inside of you. There is that 8-year-old kid saying, "Why
did you leave me? I needed you to hug me at night. I know you know that I
needed you to tell me that everything was going to be okay, yet you turned your
back and you left me. I was a kid." That is anger.

Now, please understand that when you acknowledge your anger, you're not
looking for anger that shines bright and burns to the bones. You may have to
learn how to find the anger.

This is a crucial step because if you don't acknowledge that there is anger in the
mix, it's going to fester.

Admit that you're angry. This is not always easy because it's hard for a lot of
people to be angry at their mom. After all, this is the woman who carried you for
nine months. This is the woman that cleaned your nose when you had a cold. This
is the woman who took care of you when you were sick, and worried herself silly
when you were late for curfew.
But you have to allow yourself to be angry. You cannot deny the anger because,
like a volcano, it can suddenly erupt from deep within.

Don't deny it. Say it to yourself, "Yes, mom, I was angry at you because you did
this to me. I am angry today like I was in the past." Admit it.

Step #7: Commit to forgive.

The next step is to commit to forgiveness. This is crucial.

Just like deciding to forgive, this is a signal to your inner self. You're not just
blowing through a series of emotions that you're feeling. You're not just thinking
through what you should be doing in an intellectual and emotionally distant way.
This is real.

This is you intentionally, clearly and purposefully saying, "I am committing myself
to forgiving this person that hurt me. I am committing myself to this person who
has triggered all these intense emotions in me for all this time."

This does not mean that you have to contact the other person and tell him that
you forgive him (unless you want to). Remember that you are forgiving for your
own benefit, not for the other person’s benefit.

Step #8: Intentionally look at what happened and the persons involved in a new
way.

When you have chosen to forgive, this means that you have leveled with yourself.
You have already reconciled with your former self.

Whether it's the 5-year-old, the 8-year-old, the teenager, or the person you were
yesterday, you have factored in that other person. Congratulations. You're almost
there.

In this step, you are going to forgive the other persons involved. Say to them in
your mind and in your heart, "I am letting you go. I acknowledge what you did to
me, but I am letting it go. I'm not going to allow myself to feel hurt by thinking
about what you did to me. This is the point where I'm going to start changing the
way I think about this memory."

The Most Uncomfortable Part

The key part of this step is very uncomfortable. You have to ask yourself, "Why
would these people do this to me in the first place?”

For example, as an 8-year-old kid, it's very easy to feel justified for being angry at
your father because he abandoned his family. Maybe he married somebody else
or maybe he just ran away with his girlfriend. Or maybe he did it for whatever
other reason...

It's very easy just to focus on how you were abandoned and how you missed that
man telling you bedtime stories. It's easy to focus on how complete you felt when
your mom and your dad (who later abandoned you) used to give you a group hug.
It’s easy to zero in on the fact that, at that time, you felt complete with your
father that there was nothing missing.

The hard step is to turn your mind's eye to why your father did the thing that hurt
you so much.

Please understand that there are always two sides to a story. You have to look at
their side.

As an adult, you know that your parents were actually fighting like cats and dogs
prior to that point. You probably also already know that your dad was suffering
from depression, and the pressure from your mother didn't help.

This is very painful because you're going to have to break out of the sense of
comfort and justice that a one-sided view brings to painful memories. You're
going to have to go to the other side, and then consider what possibly was
happening there that explains the hurt that happened to you.

That's what makes this difficult because you're going to have to let go of your
victim status. You're letting go of the fact that things happened to you, but it
could possibly be that it's part of a complex situation.
Maybe there was something you overlooked like the fact that your father was
depressed or was fighting addiction? Maybe your mom was abusive to him and
the only comfort and understanding he got… came from another woman. There
are many reasons and many sides to a story...

Reality is almost always never black and white. The good guys don't always wear
the white cowboy hats and the bad guys aren't always wearing black. In most
cases, it's gray. This is where the adult part of your brain and heart has to step in.

Step #9: Forgive the other person as a whole person.

When you forgive that person from your past who hurt you, you have to look at
him as a complete person. This means that you have truly looked at the harm that
he did to you from his perspective.

Do you think your father was thrilled to know that you felt hurt, abandoned and
vulnerable because he abandoned your family? Do you think he laughed when
somebody told him that you would cry yourself to sleep because now nobody
hugs you at night and tells you that it will be okay? Of course not. When you look
at the hurt from the other side, you get to see the other person’s humanity.

You may realize that his decision to leave was not the right one. After all, there
are many ways to deal with mid-life crisis, depression, or fights with your wife,
and these ways don't involve turning your back on your children and leaving a
hole in their hearts. You know that.

But you have to understand the other person that you're trying to forgive. You
have to understand the totality of that. And despite the fact that it was the wrong
choice, he had his burden as well.

Let go of your insistence on looking at the situation only from your perspective of
hurt, abandonment, betrayal and pain. Acknowledge that the other person is
human just like you. He made a bad choice. And guess who else makes bad
choices? That's right, you do too.

Again, this is uncomfortable, but you have to overcome it. It's not an option.
Feel free to cry. Feel free to be angry. Feel free to say, "How could you?"

But you need to step into that person's mind and understand that he is human,
just as you are. He made a bad choice.

This can be hard to accept. There's a part of you that's saying, "Well, I didn't make
that choice. How can there be any sort of moral equivalence between my screw
ups and that person's bad choices?"

However, unless you acknowledge that other people make mistakes, you can
really forgive. This is some serious, heavy duty emotional lifting, but you need to
do it.

Step #10: Allow your heart to break.

The reason why you're feeling so angry is because you feel that you're just trying
to keep it together. You're just trying to keep your heart in one piece. But no
progress is possible until you let your heart break.

Let it out. Let the pain out. There's a tremendous amount of negative feelings
there. It seems like the tears never stop.

It may seem like a funny prank to some people, but that instance when the grade
school bully gave you a wedgie in front of all your female classmates, could have
unleashed a lifelong anxiety with women.

Allow that anger to come out, but look at it from that other person's perspective.
Obviously, he was an unhappy person. Obviously, he wasn't feeling complete,
loved, protected, or valued.

Of course, this doesn't make the pain go away, but it gives it context. It shines a
light on the choice that he made.

So allow your heart to break. Keep asking that question, "I didn't deserve that.
Why did you do it to me?" And the more you ask that question, the more you are
forced to see that person's perspective.
Now, of course, this doesn't mean that you have access to this person's in-depth
psychological dossier, but it doesn't matter. A lot of this you have to do in your
own head. It's just connecting the dots.

It's as basic as asking the question: do normal, well-adjusted grade school children
pull down the pants of their classmates? The answer is no. This is basic logic.

Factor in his hurt. Factor in his humanity.

Now, allow yourself to be broken-hearted about the whole thing. Everybody had
a role to play because people were laughing so your anger is directed not just at
the bully, but to everybody else. It's as if everybody played a hand in what
happened to you.

Allow yourself to feel that. The more you let your heart break, the more that part
of your psyche that felt so set, so solid, so scabbed up that it can't possibly
change, starts to change. But that change is only possible because of all the pain
that you're going through right now.

But remember, you are an adult now. You have your own apartment or you have
a house and you have a job. You're no longer that elementary kid who is feeling
so vulnerable and who was devastated that day.

Allow your heart to break now and connect with that kid. Mourn that kid because
this process buries that part of yourself. When that kid heals, he or she is buried.
It becomes part of the past.

The most difficult part of all of this is that you have to do it on your own. You have
to take it and take it some more. It’s not easy, but it’s absolutely necessary.

Step #11: Take a step back and think about what you’ve learned.

When you actually spend the time and the focus to go through the steps above,
you discover a lot of things about yourself. You learn how to reconnect with your
pain and anger. You become more enlightened about the context of the trauma
you're trying to overcome. You also give yourself a tremendous opportunity to be
completely honest with yourself on all levels.

You're not mentally compartmentalizing, and you're not playing any sorts of
rationalization games with yourself. You're not doing any of that. Instead, you're
going straight to what's important. You're focusing on what counts.

This is uncomfortable. It seems like there are no rules. Things are moving quickly.
It's understandable if you feel that you might unwittingly uncover a very painful
memory.

Learn the Lessons There

It may well turn out that a lot of the things that you feel so upset about today are
just exaggerations. There are such things as false memories. You may realize that
you may have overreacted. That's okay as well.

But even if things were as you remember them to be, understand that this
happened in the past. And if you reconnect with that part of you that was
victimized, you can move on. It's all about reflecting, focusing, and coming to
terms with what happened.

Step #12: Repeat as necessary.

Keep going through this process. Give yourself the time and the space to do it. It is
a form of emotional hygiene.

When you do this, you're no longer running away from the memory. The memory
no longer triggers an instant need for revenge or spirals you into depression, or
any of the negative effects it normally has on you.

The more you repeat this, the more you develop a healthy relationship with that
part of your life, until eventually, it goes away because it has healed. But that's
not going to happen until you keep repeating the process again and again.

This is a long-term thing. This is something that can happen day after day, week
after week, month after month, and possibly year after year.
Hopefully it doesn't last that long, but be prepared for that. What's important is
that you are now taking control. You are taking the first step. You are being
responsible for your emotional and mental health.
Conclusion
Forgiveness is not an intellectual project. If you want it to be real, you can never
look at it that way. Instead, it is something that you need to do based on a fixed
schedule.

Don't wait for things to "fall into place." They rarely do. You definitely cannot rely
on things "feeling right" for you to make the decision. Those ‘right’ feelings almost
always never come.

A lot of people fail to forgive themselves and other people in their lives because
they never take the time to go through the process of forgiveness. They aren’t
ready. It just overwhelms them. It becomes a very emotionally paralyzing process.

Some people schedule forgiveness so long into the future that their daily grind
gets the better of them. Every single day, you have all sorts of duties,
responsibilities and obligations. It seems like a lot of these pop out of nowhere.

Forgiveness can't be way in the future. It has to be something that is close enough
for you to get ready, but not so close that it freezes you in your tracks.

Regardless of when you do it, you have to do it because it's one of the most
important decisions that you could ever make in your life.

It doesn't matter whether you're dealing with abuse, abandonment, betrayal,

embarrassment, humiliation or physical and sexual violence. You have to forgive.

You're not doing this for the other person. You're not doing this to look like some
sort of hero in other people's eyes. You're doing it for yourself. You're doing it to
regain control over your life.

Again, as mentioned about the Buddha's saying, the more you hang on to that
past pain, the more it flares up in your hands and continues to burn you deep
down inside. You owe it to yourself. Decide to forgive today. You have a much
better life awaiting you!
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