Cassy Boyd

COMM 2110-504
Personal Change Project
Date:  May 2, 2021
Overview
My personal change project is focused on becoming more of an active listener. I have had a habit

of “spacing out” during conversations and not being present. This has hindered my interpersonal

communication with people. I often did not feel as though I understood the other person and, at

times, did not have a clue as to what they were talking about after a period of time during the

conversation.

There were several strategies I applied over the course of my personal change project that I

acquired from the textbook. Some of these strategies include; be present both mentally and

physically, listen, and be empathetic.

By implementing these strategies, I have gained the self-control to stay focused on the

interpersonal conversations I have. This has helped my understanding of individuals and

improved a few of my closest relationships.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

I have always had an awful habit of allowing my mind to wander during lengthy conversations. I

lose interest rather quickly in what people are talking about. Unfortunately, this has created quite

the barrier between myself and others. I often lose track of where the conversation is and do not

have much to contribute to it either. This makes me come off as aloft and uninterested in what

people think and feel.

Here are two examples:

 One example of my lack of active listening happened with my oldest daughter. She would

often talk to me about her thoughts on going off to college. While she would ramble on and on

about this option or another, my mind would wander off to some other thought. My wandering

mind would impede on my ability to listen actively to what my daughter was addressing. This

was a normal setting during our long talks and after a while, she would stop talking. I would

notice that she seemed upset and I would ask her what was wrong. Often, she would reply with

the fact that she felt as though I was not listening to her or that I seemed uninterested in what she

was thinking and feeling about her big decisions on going to college. Of course, this was not the

case. I cared very much about her plans, but I struggled to stay present in the lengthy

conversations. This poor communication style created a communication gap between my

daughter and I. She would make decisions and not tell me about them, or she would tell everyone

else in the family and leave me out. I do not blame her for this action. She genuinely felt that I

did not care about what she was doing in her world. I was not being empathetic at all.

 Another example is in attempting to make new connections. I have a terrible time staying

present while trying to get to know someone new. I have been on several dates and have walked

away not knowing much more about them than I did prior to the date. My intention has been to

share with my date things in common and get to know each other better. However, once they

start in on a long-drawn-out story, they lose me. This one date in particular was just last week.

We met up at the part and took a stroll in the nice weather. Initially, things were back-and-forth

sharing. This was working nicely. Then, he started in on a project he was working on at work.

After the first fifteen minutes, my mind was off on the scenery. He spoke solid for a while and

then decided to ask me a question. He said, “what do you think?” I was a deer in headlights. I
had no choice but to ask,” about what?” His expression spoke volumes.  He repeated something

he had said earlier, “about computer animation.” I had no idea what to say. This was incredibly

awkward and there was no second date.

With both of my examples it is evident that allowing my mind to wander has not been very

healthy for my interpersonal communication. My first example demonstrates the bond and trust

between a mother and her daughter. The second example shows that not being present will also

cause new relationships to be cut short. The importance of active listening ranges across all types

of relationships and allows individuals the opportunity to create happy and healthy relationships

for the future.  

Strategies

I decided that I wanted to really attempt at making better connections with people, especially my

family. I wanted to create new relationships and strengthen the relationships I already have. I

chose a few strategies that I learned from the textbook. If I implemented these strategies, they

could really help me to stay focused on the conversations I was having and become more

connected to the people around me.

The first strategy I chose was to put my own thoughts aside and quiet my self-talk before and

throughout my conversations with others. This strategy is one of the steps in improving your

listening skills. I must first stop attending to off-topic self-talk. Instead of listening to my

internal talk, I can focus more on what the other person is saying. (Beebe, p.126)

The second strategy I chose is also a step in improving your listening skills. This is to be there

mentally as well as physically. This is where I am actively listening to the speaker. To help stay

present, I can try things such as; asking questions, para-phrasing, and acknowledging the speaker
with nods and other forms of body language. This helps the speaker know I am listening and also

helps me to make a conscious effort to listen. (Beebe, p.127)

The third strategy I chose is a part of the look step in improving your listening skills. In this

strategy I will look for the meta-message, the non-verbal message of the message. (Beebe,

p.127) Here is where the body language of the speaker helps to guide the conversation’s

meaning. When I noticed that my daughter was upset, I was looking at her non-verbal

communication. This was also present during my date when I was caught not paying attention to

his story.

The final strategy I chose was to become more empathetic and connect better emotionally to the

individual I am conversing with. In order to make connections with people, I must be able to feel

what someone else is feeling. (Beebe, p.129) This will allow me to understand and possibly be

more supportive when people confide in me something that is upsetting or celebrate with me

something that is exciting.

Constraints

I had a couple of constraints while implementing my chosen strategies. I noticed that I have an

excessive amount of self-talk and it was rather challenging to stop and listen to the speaker in

conversations. I would still not get the entirety of the conversation because I had to continuously

pull myself back from my internal “talk”.  This would cause me to have another internal

conversation with myself of “stay focused, stop wandering”. I would guess that my internal

dialog would also manifest on my facial expressions because I would often notice the speaker

with perked eyebrows or pause in their words.

It was a trial by error to make a conscious effort to listen. I would find that my mind was easily

distracted by small things and that I would lose sight of what was being said. I would attempt to

put the pieces together when I would come back to the conversation. I would attempt, yet again,

to make a conscious effort to listen further.

Implementation

Implementing these strategies were very useful. I had to practice in every conversation I had for

several weeks. I would often forget that I was working on improving my affective listening

abilities and would allow my old habits to take over. After weeks of reminding myself and

making a solid effort during my conversations, I would begin to slowly grasp the approach I

would need in order to accomplish my goal. I have not perfected these strategies, but I have

continuously implemented them as often as I can. I have used these strategies during meetings,

throughout lectures, in my personal conversations, and in my attempts to make new

relationships.  I find that whenever there will be a longer amount of time and focus needed to

absorb the information of a speaker, I will review the steps that will help me to stay present,

listen, and look for meta-messages.

One relationship that is very important to me is the relationship I have with my daughter. I

decided to start with improving our communication first. During the time I would spend talking

with my daughter, I would focus the most on implementing these strategies. I would use the

“pre-interaction phase” of listening (Beebe, p.126) to have the right mid-set prior to sitting down

and having a discussion with her. I would take a moment and stop with the self-talk, remind

myself that I am present both mentally and physically, and that it was important to empathize

with her.  Throughout our latest conversation, I was able to listen and I was tuned in to the meta-

messages she was displaying. She was talking about going for a minor in education to add to her
dance major, just in case she could not obtain work in a private studio. She spoke about wanting

benefits from an employer and the freedom to teach anywhere in the country. Implementing

these strategies allowed me to listen with the intention of strengthening our relationship.

Results

After several weeks of implementing these strategies, I was able to see positive consequences.

My daughter was more open with me about her plans and how she was achieving her goals. I felt

really connected to her in a few of our conversations. I have also had several people from work

approach me and chat. I have made two new friends from work and I now know so much more

about them than I ever did before. We have so much more in common than I would have

guessed. I have been able to be a support for them during some difficult times and they have

returned the compassion. I have also nurtured some relationships with the clients I have at work.

Where I once kept a clipboard of data between us, I now am able to empathize and connect to

them on a more personal level. It has made working with them much more pleasant.  

I cannot say there has been very many negative consequences to my implementation of these

strategies. I can recognize that it is difficult to quite my self-talk, and to sustain my mind from

wandering. This is something I am sure I will have to continue to work on, and I may never fully

achieve staying 100 percent focused during a lengthy conversation or lecture.

Recommendations

I will definitely continue working on my ability to actively listen and utilize the strategies I have

learned from taking this course. One aspect I would like to include in my future interpersonal

communication growth is the self-disclosure and social penetration theory. This theory states,

“social penetration theory is that the movement toward intimacy is connected to increased
breadth and depth of self-disclosing, as reflected in their model " (Beebe, p.259) I feel as though

part of creating new friendships, and possibly a new romantic relationship, would be an aspect of

this theory. I do not give much depth to my interactions, therefore, most of my interpersonal

communication is very much surface talk. In order to create better bonds and stronger

relationships, I would like to work on giving more depth and breadth in my interactions with

individuals.

 
References 

Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2017). Interpersonal communication: relating to

others. (8th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.