Hidden Track – Xanax

"Ah.... Afghanistan."

Noah was not particularly surprised when he was told that starting tomorrow,
someone else would be coming to be his bodyguard, since Mason was going to
Afghanistan.

That's because he had heard it beforehand from Phil, a week ago.

Noah just calmly thought, 'Ah. A week has already gone by.'

He had always been prepared for this day ever since Mason was summoned to the
mansion a month ago.

It had come a little earlier than he had expected but still, since it was something
inevitable, he had thought to make himself ready for it.

The first time Noah remembered about Mason was around the time he had just turned
sixteen.

He was aware he had been kidnapped from seeing and hearing about it here and
there, but he didn't actually remember about it.

Dissociative amnesia. A memory disorder that made one lose part of the memory due
to a great trauma.

But Noah didn't particularly put an effort to remember about it.

Although he thought there was something he had lost, he was often suffering from
insomnia, waking up in the middle of sleep because he couldn't breathe, and having
fits of convulsion whenever he was trapped in a narrow and dark place, even when he
couldn't recall about the incident.

And since he was already like that when he couldn't even remember about what had
happened, he thought there was no need to bring back those painful memories on
purpose.

Even the doctor and the people around him said it wasn't necessary to bring those
scary memories back.

He was sixteen when he got those memories back. It was at the school bathroom.

That day, in particular, Noah was having a headache all day long, so he had gone to the
bathroom to inhale some coke but, before he knew it, he was suddenly crying.
He cried, screamed and hit his head against the wall. He was wailing and throwing a fit
in the bathroom, making everyone surprised at the sight, and when they pulled him
out of there, it was only after he had already passed out.

When he woke up the next day, he could remember everything.

How he had followed that nameless actress, what had happened after he had followed
her, what he was thinking inside that small and narrow suitcase, what kind of despair
had taken over him...

He also remembered how much his arms and legs hurt and how scared he had been
when he couldn't feel his hands and feet later on.

And that man, as well. Noah remembered about the man who had saved him in the
bathroom.

It wasn't easy to find him. He hadn't even turned up saying he was the one who had
saved Noah, so he had to gather the profiles of all the men around his age who lived in
the vicinity at the time.

Even while searching for him, Noah had no idea why he was so determined in looking
for the guy.

Sure that he was thankful to have been saved at the time, but so what? Noah was still
an uneasy and unstable boy.

Instead of being grateful for his life, he was always enduring to live every day.

So, even if it wasn't to express his gratitude, Noah searched for him, and after he found
out he was working at Zii, he looked out for him, sponsoring Zii with an extraordinary
sum of money.

And then, when he was seventeen...

Noah couldn't stand it any longer. Rationally, he was clearly aware that the fear was
unreasonable, yet he felt suffocated every single day, and even while he was sitting,
looking perfectly fine, he would suddenly stand up screaming.

He had grown older and stronger, and he knew without a doubt that he could easily
stop such a nameless actress now by breaking her hands off, but he just had to think
about that time to shudder like a crazy shit.

Noah hated this side of him so much that he felt disgust towards himself, but he
couldn't get over it. He couldn't get over the fact that nothing would save him.

Noah knew it very well. He had waited and waited but no one had come to save him.

─Except that man.

And, not standing to see their precious son breaking down like a wreck any longer, his
parents called Mason over as his bodyguard last month, with a hopeful heart.

It was needless to say, but Noah's emotional instability didn't change at once just
because he met Mason. And Noah hadn't thought something would change just by
meeting him too.

Because even though he had saved him once at that time, he eventually left Noah
behind.

That's how it was anyway. He had saved Noah's life after taking him out from that
small bag, but he had not rescued his life*.
(*he had saved his body but not his "soul")

No matter how much he suffered every day, Noah certainly knew that it had nothing to
do with that man.

No wonder he had not shown up even once to look for him. But it wasn't necessarily
something to be resentful for.

In order to not mislead himself when meeting the man, Noah clearly reminded himself
about that fact.

That in the end, he would leave him behind. That he and himself were just strangers.

And so, quite a lot of things had happened over the last month.

When he woke up screaming and was overwhelmed by panic, the man, who was
watching him over by his side, would hold his shoulders and wait until he calmed
down.

He would look him in the eyes and watch until Noah came out of his own world, while
making a small breeze with his mouth, to blow away his sweaty hair.

*hoo*
*hoo*
As if trying to calm him down...

When he was trembling in the middle of a nightmare, he could feel a warm hand
stroking his head at some point. Softly, he would smooth his hair and soothe him until
he fell asleep soundly and sweetly.

There were also times when after his hand got cold from getting anxious every now
and then, he would click his tongue quietly and ask, 'Do you want me to hold your
hands?'

And when Noah stood still, looking at him with his mouth shut, he would silently hold
his hands.
A month passed in flash. And last week, just like how they had agreed when he was
initially contracted, Mason told Phil he would be going to Afghanistan next week.

Noah's parents, and even Phil, tried to hold him down, making a lot of proposals to
him, but they weren't able to make him stay.

That's because it hadn't been so long that Mason had lost his family, and it was
emotionally hard for him to have such a comfortable job as Noah's bodyguard.

Noah knew he would take out his family photo from time to time, to look at it.

Therefore, as Noah had been preparing himself since the first time he came over, the
only thing he thought when he heard the story from Phil was, 'Next week? Will it be
gone in a flash?'

And just like he had thought, a week passed in the blink of an eye, and Mason said
with a serene face that someone else would be coming from tomorrow onwards, and
wished him to stay safe and sound.

"I see. I'm a little worried though. Afghanistan might be dangerous."

At Noah's words, Mason just said, "At least my mind will be more at peace there."

Noah nodded.

He couldn't really say anything else when he said it like that.

"I understand......"

Noah tried to say something more, but he didn't know what to say, so he just stayed
quiet.

He knew that Mason would quickly say goodbye and leave the room if he kept his
mouth shut like that, but he had nothing to say.

You must not cry, Noah thought to himself like a child. This was nothing at all.

It was nothing but Mason giving his protection for a month, and Noah receiving it, only
that. They didn't have an exceptional relationship and even the shallow relationship
they had of an employer and employee was just about to disappear now.

That's why he knew it would be really weird if he cried in this moment, but the tears
suddenly burst out. They ran down his cheeks, and through his blurry sight, he could
see Mason's taken aback face.

"Uh, I......."

Noah saw him walking over, bewildered, and opened his mouth.
Can't you not go? Can't you not leave to such a place like Afghanistan and just stay by
my side? It doesn't matter if for pity or whatever, everything is fine, so please, don't go.

I'll do anything, so please....., Noah swallowed down those begging words that were
almost spilling out of his mouth.

He swallowed the pleas that were forcefully trying to get out, again and again. He
could taste the tears inside his stomach.

"Sorry. There were some things going on at school today...."

Noah could only say so much while wiping away his tears with the back of his hands.

What was he going to do by clinging onto him? He wasn't even a girl, they were ten
years apart, and there were more times when he stayed insane than sane.

They couldn't have a relationship of a lover, a friend, a family, or whatever, in which

they could cling and hold onto each other.

This past month too, they only shared a relationship that had been bought with
money, they didn't have a relationship of any sort. For Mason, those things were
nothing but his ordinary duties.

He knew that. He knew that he was definitely making a weird scene, but his tears
wouldn't stop, making even Noah a little flustered by it.

"Are you okay?"

He asked with a worried voice and Noah dismissed it with his hand.

"Ah...... you know how I have always been weird. Don't mind me."

It must be my tear glands that are crazy again, today. Noah said with a weak smile,
while Mason twitched his lips slightly.

He was hesitant, as if wanting to wipe away the tears from his face. Instead, he took
out a small bottle of medicine from his pocket.

He looked like he was pondering if he could give him such a thing, but then he quickly
held it out to him.

"This, it's a thing I took sometimes when I was having a hard time, but I guess I won't
need it when I go to Afghanistan."

Noah blinked, taking up the medicine bottle he was holding out. Large drops of tears
fell on top of the bottle.

When he raised his head, Mason spoke with a bit of warmth in his eyes.
"It's Xanax..... it's a tranquilizer and, I know you must be taking something similar but,
just in case."

Noah stared at him and then moved his lips with a smile.

"Ahh...... thank you."

It wasn't easy to answer a single question while trying to hold up his tears.

Mason waited for quite a long time, until Noah stopped crying.

He couldn't say the words 'You should go already,' because he didn't want to see his
leaving back.

"Then, stay safe."

He bade him farewell while bowing his head and Noah said, "......Take care."

He walked out without any hesitation, without a single glance back, and Noah just
stared with a dazed face at the door, for a very long time.

When he came to himself, the sun was setting through the window, and Noah looked
at the medicine that Mason had given him.

*tuk*
He opened the lid, taking out the white pill and putting it in his mouth.

The pill that he had swallowed without water left a bitter aftertaste, melting and going
down through his throat.

Noah leaned against the sofa chair and closed his eyes just like that.

He felt a little dizzy and his body felt heavy, and soon he drifted into sleep.

He dreamed about Mason not leaving him.