Avoiding Issues

in Marriage
 Avoiding Issues in Marriage

We’ve been there a thousand times. It was time for a tough

conversation and I (Casey) would be running for the hills trying to
avoid talking about issues in our marriage. Early on, that was one
of the major reasons why we were headed straight for a divorce. I
pretended, ignored and avoided any issue that might come close to
exposing my weaknesses, fearing that I would be in trouble, afraid of
being abandoned... the list goes on. For years, I left Meygan all alone
in fighting for our marriage.

With tears in her eyes she begged that I engage with her, only then I
began to see the magnitude of how my avoiding caused so much hurt
and pain. I wrote the book on avoiding and it nearly killed my marriage.
Which is why I’m so passionate about helping others ‘avoid’ the pain
and disconnection. The problem was that I didn’t have any resource to
turn to that gave me insight on why I avoided and what I need to do
next to show Meygan that I am showing up.

After watching this webcast, our hope is that you begin to identify
why avoiders avoid, but to also give you hope that trust can be rebuilt
and you can experience true connection again. If you are reading this
and you are the avoider, it’s time to start adulting and fight for your
marriage. If you are the one who has tried to confront the issues and
are feeling alone and frustrated, don’t lose hope. Watch this webcast,
go through the Connecting Questions below and have that tough
conversation that can go something like this:

“I love you. I promised on our wedding day that I would do anything and
everything it takes to love you and make our marriage thrive. I have been
feeling very alone and even frustrated because when I bring up things, you
 Continued

seem to avoid talking about them. I want you to know that you and I are
stronger together. We are a team. I want to be your best friend who you
can share your fears, feelings and dreams with. Let’s watch this webcast
together. Let’s learn how to talk about the hard stuff of life.”

Here are some steps that I had to learn and memorize, in order to help
engage with Meygan. Heck, engage with all of my marriage and the
personal issues I was avoiding.

Accept it. Every couple has their own set of issues. Some are big and
complicated while others are small and can be quickly resolved. The
sooner you accept that it is an issue, the sooner you can work on it.

Take your time. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint and while natural
avoiders want to see quick resolve, that isn’t always realistic. Don’t
rush the issue by trying to find a quick fix.

Be present. Do not underestimate the power of being present. If

you make a practice of facing your challenges, with full presence and
awareness, you will feel more confident and happy in your marriage.

Find the opportunity or lesson to be learned. I believe that the smartest

and healthiest people learn from their mistakes and tough seasons of
life. They take time to process, evaluate, ask the hard questions and
become an even better person.
 Connecting Questions

1 When you were growing up, did your parents avoid their
marriage issues? Why do you think that was?

2 Who in your life is a major avoider of dealing with things? What

are some habits they have?

3 How does it make you feel when I bring up certain issues in our
relationship?

4 When conflict arises, do you tend to want to fight or avoid it?

And why?

5 Which issues in our marriage have we been avoiding?

6 Have I done anything that has made you feel like I don’t care
about our marriage?

7 Have you ever felt alone in our marriage? If so, when?

8 Have you ever felt like I was avoiding a specific topic in our
marriage?
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9 If you chose to avoid any issues in our marriage, what are you
hoping happens by not dealing with them?

10 Do you feel like we have a good understanding of how and when we

should bring up issues in our marriage? Why or why not?

11 When you’ve either been tempted to avoid or chose to avoid, what

is your WHY?

Examples:
My own insecurities
Living in denial
Not wanting to admit my mistakes and own it
I want to keep the peace between us
A lack of knowing how to deal with the issues
I don’t want us to fight like we have been
I have a fear of being rejected by you
It has become my norm to avoid
 ACTION PLAN
Identify your WHY when you are wanting to avoid any issues in your
marriage. Here are a few to pick from:

• Insecurities
• Your parents avoided issues and it has become your norm, too
• Not wanting to take responsibility for your mistakes
• Living in denial that everything is good in your marriage when it really
isn’t
• Fear of rejection
• You’ve been emotionally lazy
• You’ve become indifferent (meaning that you don’t even care)
• You are a pleaser and want to keep the “peace”
• Your conversations always turn into fights and are tainted with
negativity
• Other (fill in your own WHY)

If you have ever avoided any issue or topic in your marriage, give a proper
apology today! Take ownership for not showing up and not doing the hard
work marriage requires. If you want to learn more about how to apologize
the healthiest and most effective way, watch our webcast called The
Proper Apology. Here’s the four steps to a proper apology:

1. I’m sorry for __________ (action + feeling).

2. I was wrong!
3. How can I make this better?
4. Will you forgive me?
 ACTION PLAN
(continued)

Pick one thing to deal with at a time. No more stacking the deck and
rambling off all of the areas that you need to work on and discuss. You
will overwhelm each other and then feel like failures. Pick one issue for
this month to talk about. Come up with a way to overcome it together
and then for the next month, pick a new issue to talk through. If you get
stuck, go get help with a counselor, mentor or safe friend.

For those of you who want to engage and connect with your spouse
but don’t know where to start, be sure to check out our book 365
Connecting Questions for Couples. It will give you the confidence to
show up.