Bangtan Universe Revised 1

Bangtan Universe – The
Notes
(LY: Her, LY: Tear, LY: Answer
MOTS: Persona, MOTS: 7)
(A Chronological Compilation of the Universe created

by BTS & Big Hit Entertainment)
This compilation is copyright of Stéphanie Bolaños
(@ari_moon_child).
All of the HYYH Notes are listed in chronological order,

alternating between the multiple timelines that make up the Bangtan
Universe, and include all of the notes from the LY Series, The MOTS
Series & the Smeraldo Book Tweets that served as an introduction to
the HYYH the Notes Book 1.
Any mistakes within this document are my own and this is

purely a fan work for me to have along with the HYYH Book Series.
All original HYYH content belongs to BTS & Big Hit

Entertainment.
나 자신을 찾는
여정의 끝에 다다른
건 다시 제자리.
결국 찾아야 하는
것은 모든 것의
시작이자 이정표인
영혼의 지도.
누구에게나 있지만
아무아 찾을 수 없는
그것을, 나는 지금부터
찾아보려 한다."
"At the end of my journey to find myself, everything fell back

into place.
After all, what you have to look for is the beginning of

everything: that is a map to your soul...
A milestone.
Finding your soul, someone else's soul is something everyone

may have, but may not always find.
And that is what I am looking for from this day on.
-Epiphany Comeback Trailer -

Table of Contents
*My Reading Order*
YEAR 9.................................................................2
August................................................................2
YEAR 10...............................................................2
February............................................................2
July....................................................................2
December..........................................................2
YEAR 11...............................................................2
April...................................................................2
YEAR 12...............................................................2
September.........................................................2
YEAR 15...............................................................2
July....................................................................2
YEAR 16...............................................................2
September.........................................................2
YEAR 17...............................................................2
August................................................................2
YEAR 18...............................................................2
May....................................................................2
December..........................................................2
YEAR 19...............................................................2
March................................................................2
May....................................................................2
June....................................................................2
August................................................................2
YEAR 20...............................................................2
March................................................................2
May....................................................................2
June....................................................................2
July....................................................................2
September.........................................................2
February............................................................2
May....................................................................2
August................................................................2
December..........................................................2
YEAR 22...............................................................2
February............................................................2
March................................................................2
April...................................................................2
May....................................................................2
June....................................................................2
July....................................................................2
August................................................................2
*My Reading Order*
(In a nutshell, because the BU is that complicated)
YEAR 9
Hoseok – August 30 (MOTS: 7)
YEAR 10
Taehyung – February 28 (MOTS: 7)
Hoseok - July 23 (LY: Tear)
Hoseok – July 23 – Year 10 (Smeraldo Books)
Taehyung - December 29 (LY: Her)
YEAR 11
Jimin - April 6 (LY: Tear)
YEAR 12
Jungkook - September 30 (MOTS: 7)
YEAR 15
Yoongi – July 25 (MOTS: 7)
YEAR 16
Yoongi - September 19 (LY: Tear)
YEAR 17
Jimin – August 20 (MOTS: 7)
YEAR 18
Namjoon – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)
Jimin – December 10 (MOTS: Persona)
YEAR 19
Seokjin - March 2 (LY: Her)
Yoongi – March 15 (MOTS: Persona)
Jungkook – May 28 (LY: Answer)
Jungkook – May 28 (LY: Answer)
Yoongi - June 12 (LY: Tear)
Yoongi - June 12 (LY: Tear)
Seokjin – June 25 (LY: Answer)
Seokjin – June 25 (LY: Answer)
Jimin - August 30 (LY: Her)
YEAR 20
Taehyung - March 20 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon - May 15 (LY: Her)
Taehyung – June 7 (MOTS: Persona)
Yoongi - June 25 (LY: Her)
Jungkook - June 25 (LY: Her)
Seokjin - July 17 (LY: Tear)
Hoseok - September 15 (LY: Her)
Jimin - September 28 (LY: Her)
Jimin – September 28 – Year 20 (Smeraldo Books)
Jungkook - September 30 (LY: Tear)
YEAR 21
Hoseok - February 25 (LY: Her)
Jungkook – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)
Seokjin – August 9 (MOTS: Persona)
Namjoon - December 17 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon - December 17 (LY: Tear)
YEAR 22
Seokjin – February 1 (MOTS: 7)
Hoseok – February 25 (MOTS: Persona)
Hoseok – March 2 (LY: Answer)
Taehyung – March 29 (LY: Answer)
Yoongi - April 7 (LY: Her)
Yoongi – April 7 (Smeraldo Books)
Seokjin - April 11 (LY: Her)
Seokjin - April 11 (LY: Tear)
Seokjin – April 11 (LY: Answer)
Yoongi – April 11 (LY: Answer)
Namjoon - April 11 (LY: Her)
Namjoon – April 11 (LY: Answer)
Namjoon – April 11 (Smeraldo Books)
Jungkook - April 11 (LY: Her)
Jungkook – April 11 (LY: Answer)
Jungkook – April 11 (Smeraldo Books)
Taehyung – April 11 (MOTS: Persona)
Seokjin – April 11 (MOTS: 7)
Yoongi – May 2 (LY: Answer)
Yoongi – May 2 (Smeraldo Books)
Jungkook - May 2 (LY: Tear)
Seokjin – May 2 (Smeraldo Books)
Yoongi – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)
Hoseok – May 10 (Smeraldo Books)
Hoseok – May 10 (MOTS: Persona)
Hoseok – May 12 (LY: Answer)
Hoseok – May 12 (LY: Answer)
Jimin – May 15 (LY: Answer)
Jimin – May 15 (Smeraldo Books)
Jimin – May 16 (LY: Answer)
Jimin - May 19 (LY: Tear)
Hoseok - May 20 (LY: Tear)
Hoseok - May 20 (LY: Tear)
Taehyung - 20 May (LY: Tear)
Taehyung – 20 May (Smeraldo Books)
Namjoon - May 22 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon - May 22 (LY: Tear)
Taehyung - May 22 (LY: Her)
Taehyung – May 22 (LY: Answer)
Taehyung – May 22 (Smeraldo Books)
Jungkook - May 22 (Kick Start Note)
Jungkook – May 22 (Smeraldo Books)
Jungkook – May 22 (Smeraldo Books)
Jimin – May 29 (MOTS: Persona)
Hoseok - May 31 (LY: Her)
Seokjin – June 4 (MOTS: Persona)
Yoongi - June 8 (LY: Her)
Namjoon – June 12 (MOTS: Persona)
Seokjin – June 13 (Twitter Note)
Yoongi – June 13 (MOTS: 7)
Jungkook – June 13 (MOTS: 7)
Yoongi -15 June (LY: Tear)
Yoongi – June 23 (MOTS: Persona)
Taehyung - June 25 (LY: Her)
Namjoon - June 30 (LY: Her)
Jimin - July 3 (LY: Her)
Jimin - July 4 (LY: Tear)
Jimin - July 4 (LY: Tear)
Hoseok - July 4 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon - July 13 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon - July 13 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon – July 13 (Smeraldo Books)
Jungkook - July 16 (LY: Her)
Taehyung - July 17 (LY: Tear)
Namjoon – July 18 (MOTS: 7)
Jimin – July 18 (MOTS: 7)
Namjoon – July 20 (LY: Answer)
Taehyung – July 23 (MOTS: 7)
Jimin – July 24 (MOTS: Persona)
Hoseok – July 24 (MOTS: 7)
Jungkook - July 26 (LY: Tear)
Jungkook – July 26 (LY: Answer)
Jungkook – July 26 (MOTS: Persona)
Jimin – July 28 (LY: Answer)
Yoongi – July 29 (LY: Answer)
Yoongi – August 2 (MOTS: 7)
Seokjin – August 3 (MOTS: 7)
Jungkook – August 3 (MOTS: 7)
Taehyung – August 11 (LY: Answer)
Hoseok – August 13 (LY: Answer)
Hoseok – August 13 (LY: Answer)
Seokjin - August 15 (LY: Her)
Namjoon – August 25 (MOTS: 7)
Seokjin – August 30 (LY: Answer)
Seokjin - August 30 (LY: Tear)
Seokjin – August 30 (Smeraldo Books)
Seokjin – August 30 (LY: Answer
YEAR 9
August
Hoseok – August 30 – Year 9 (MOTS: 7)
I got up and rubbed at my eyes. My Hyungs woke me up and

told me to follow them. I wanted to go back to bed, but reluctantly, I
followed them out into the hallway. I wondered what time it was. It
was still dark. We went up to the roof and opened the door. It creaked
loudly. We all paused and looked around. After a while, we all got to
the roof and say together.
"Why are we up here again?" I asked.
"Just wait, Hoseok," Seokjin told me.
Then there was an explosion. To the north, the sky lit up. I
closed my eyes and curled into a ball in shock. It smelled like
something was burning.
"Wow!" someone exclaimed.
"Hush!" Seokjin said.
I opened my eyes a little and looked up at the sky. I heard
another explosion. Stars littered the sky.
"Fireworks," Seokjin told me. "Not stars."
The fireworks continued. I finally relaxed and lay on my back,
staring up at them. They were beautiful. So many patterns. Flowers.
Stars...
"Jung Hoseok is crying~" the Hyungs teased.
"Hey," I protested, wiping my sleeve across my eyes. I didn't
stop crying, though.
"볼꽃" fire flower... Fireworks
1
YEAR 10
February
Taehyung – February 28 – Year 10 (MOTS: 7)
While I was in the supermarket, someone stood outside, playing

with the owner's dog. It was the first time I saw someone playing with
Dongyi. The boy stroked Dongyi and gave him something that looked
like bread. While I was looking at them, I met eyes with the boy for a
second. I quickly looked away and went out of the store, my
bread and meat safely inside my jacket. Did he see me? Who is he?
Ah, crap, he probably saw me! I tried so hard to hide this!
"Ah, Taehyung is here! What are you doing? Didn't you want to
come to play with Dongyi?"
I jumped at the sound of the supermarket owner's voice. The
boy from earlier lifted his head and met my eyes again. Crap. He saw
me. There's no way I'll get out of this now. They know I stole. Since
I'd already been caught, I walked out the alleyway and up to them.
"Who are you?" I asked the boy.
"Who am I?" He said. He gave me a confused look as if he
didn't know how to answer that.
"Why are you playing with Dongyi?" I asked him instead.
"What?" Again. He looked at me, confused.
"My dad says when he gets enough money, we're going to buy a
big house. Then I'll be able to get a dog! And I plan to take Dongyi,
so don't even think of taking him!" I said. The boy nodded.
"That sounds nice."
"Are you poor? Can you also not look after a dog of your own
now?"
"Money?" He said, looking at me. "No, I just can't look after a
dog right now."
2
"Ask your parents then!" I said. "My mom says fathers are
always good to nag too, they're easier to persuade!"
He nodded and petted Dongyi. "That does sound nice," he said
again, softly.
"So who are you?" I asked. "What's your name, Hyung?"
"Me? I'm Kim Seokjin."
July
Hoseok - 23 July (LY: Tear)
"One… Two… Three... Four..." by the time I reached four I

heard laughing. I wasn't scared. This was a hallucination after all.
That much I knew. The next moment a hand took mine and swept
past me. I turned around, but only my classmates were behind me.
"Hoseok-ah," the teacher called me.
Only then did I realize where I was: I was in math class. I was
counting the fruits in my textbook aloud for the class.
"Five, six..." I started counting again. As the number grew
larger, my palms grew clammy with sweat and my voice began to
shake. I couldn't stop remembering that day. I couldn't stop going
back to that time.
Hoseok – 23 July (Smeraldo Books)
Mom handed me a chocolate bar.

“Hoseok, close your eyes tight and don’t open them until you
count to ten”
December
3
Taehyung - 29 December (LY: Her)
As soon as I enter my house I take off my shoes, drop my bag

and run inside to the master bedroom. My father, for once, is here.
But one thing I didn't know was that the many days after the short-
lived happy one would bring with them the smell of alcohol, cursing
and many hits.
I don't specifically remember what happened next after I'd
happily hugged my father, unaware of his intoxication. I smelt the
strong, pungent scent of alcohol on him, his rough beard and
bloodshot eyes finally starting to come to my realization.
"What are you looking at?" He asked, hitting my cheek lightly,
before hitting me again harder when I didn't respond to his repeated
question.
I was scared of his eyes... I was scared of getting hurt... And the
funny thing was that I'd never imagined that I'd ever been so scared of
the father I'd loved so much and looked up to... He was my
father...but he wasn't at the same time...
Before I could properly comprehend what was happening, my
head hit the wall hard. It felt as if my head was going to burst as my
vision grew blurred and dark around my peripheral view. Before I
completely lost consciousness, the last thing I heard was my father's
breathing...
4
YEAR 11
April
Jimin - 6 April (LY: Tear)
I walked out of the arboretum by myself, feeling good despite

the cloudy, chilly weather. The perfect day for the school picnic. My
parents were still busy so they couldn't come. I was a little bit
disappointed at that.
But we had a competition at the picnic to see who could draw
the best flower. I felt quite cool afterwards because I'd received a
compliment. One of my mom's friends even said I was dependable.
My spirits had been lifted a little.
"Jimin-ah, wait here for the teacher. She'll come soon."
The teacher was trying to help us all start packing up and
leaving the arboretum. I didn't wait though. I was confident I could do
it alone. I grabbed my backpack's straps and walked purposefully to
the exit. I could feel everyone looking at me as I went on without the
teacher. I felt a little surge of pride bloom in my chest. I straightened
my shoulders and walked down the road.
It was raining quite heavily. My friends and their mums had left
already, so I was alone. Plus, my legs were getting tired from all the
walking.
I took a break and crouched under a tree, holding my backpack
over my head to help keep my hair dry. I waited for the rain to slow.
It didn't really. And there was no one to be seen. Everyone had taken
shelter.
So I was left with only one option: To run across the street,
backpack over head to the back entrance of the arboretum. Thankfully
the side gate was open and a little storage space was seen further on.
5
YEAR 12
September
Jungkook - September 30 (MOTS: 7)
Everyone was already there, standing in a group. What was

going on? This was the first time I saw so many people in one place
since school. Amusement parks never had such large groups of
people either. As I got closer, I picked up some of their conversations.
"What is this? I can't live like this! I'm so scared!" Someone said
as they walked away from the group. I ducked past people to try and
see what they were gathering around. It was a hole. A huge hole in
the ground.
"It's a sinkhole!" Someone said near me. I was curious I see
what was inside it. I moved a little closer. All I saw was tree roots and
mud. I took another step forward.
"Careful!" Someone warned me.
The toe of my sneaker lost grip and I stumbled. I quickly
stepped back and saw a small sliver of light at the bottom of the
sinkhole. A sinkhole within another sinkhole. Who would've thought
that was possible? Strange...
6
YEAR 15
July
Yoongi – July 25 (MOTS: 7)
"Yoongi-yah."
I sat in front of the piano after playing outside. I was still sweaty
from running around under the sun. I wiped the sweat from my hands
and took a look at the sheet music in front of me. My vision was still
trying to adjust to the darkness inside the house and my heart was still
racing. My fingers trembled a little bit.
"You can't play Chopin yet and you want to start composing
your music?" my mother asked me, tapping the sheet music in front
of me. What did I play before? I couldn't remember.
"Play this again from the beginning," my mother said, her voice
low with authority.
Again. Again. Again. I played that same page over and over
again until I felt sick. I decided to play with emotion. The emotions I
felt through the piece. It felt euphoric. My mother pulled my hands
away from the keyboard.
"You're not playing it right! You aren't conveying the emotion
properly for this piece!" she shouted.
"Please stop!" I shouted back. I shot up from my seat. "Stop it,
stop it, and stop it!"
I pulled at my hair in frustration. My mother stared at me,
frozen. In my rage, I took my mother's trophy from one of her
classical music competitions and hurled it at the piano. A key flew
forward and brushed my cheek.
7
YEAR 16
September
Yoongi - 19 September (LY: Tear)
The red flames spiralled upwards. I watched the house I'd lived
in until this morning burst into flames. People who recognized me ran
to me while neighbours ran out frantically to see the fire. We couldn't
get in the house. The fire engine couldn't go inside. I stopped and
stared.
It was the end of summer. Autumn was just around the corner.
The sky was blue and the air was dry. What was I supposed to feel?
What was I supposed to do? I didn't know how to feel. And
then...Mom
A loud crash confirmed the house's collapse. The house was
wrapped in hot flames. The walls. The pillars. The ceiling. My room.
And I watched. Too shocked to do anything else but stare onwards
until my eyes fell out of focus.
Someone pushed me as they rushed past me. The fire engine had
arrived and they were able to get inside. Someone else shook me,
trying to get me to say something. I couldn't.
"Is someone inside?" The person asked, shaking me. I looked at
them dumbly.
"Is your mom inside?"
Somehow I answered: "No. No one's inside."
A mother from the neighbourhood came up to me next.
"Where's your mom then? Where is she?"
"Nobody's inside," I answered flatly. I didn't know whether she
was in the house or not.
8
YEAR 17
August
I looked out the car window. The sky was blue outside. The air
was fresh. My mother and father sat in front, playing music. It was a
happy picture.
I rolled down my window and stuck my hand out. The yellow
Gingko trees outside were ridding themselves of all their leaves. They
fell like rain. I stretched my hand further out the window to try and
catch a leaf. I didn't even come close!
"Jimin, you'll get hurt," my mother warned me. "What will you
do if you get hurt? You won't be able to go onstage."
The stage lights were bright when I went on. I danced with my
friends, feeling the deep bass of the music vibrate through the stage.
When we finished our performance we all smiled at each other,
breathless. There was a flood of applause. We walked hand in hand
towards the front of the stage and bowed. I managed to spot my
parents in the audience, standing and applauding. They smiled at me
proudly.
I opened my eyes and was met with the sight of the hospital
ceiling. Tears welled up in my eyes. I'd had a dream. I didn't want to
wake up. I wanted to go back to that stage, that life. I wanted to see
those Gingko trees again.
No matter what I did, morning always came. My dream always
disappeared with it.
9
YEAR 18
May
Namjoon – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)
The alley was crowded with furniture and other junk people had
thrown out their homes when we got to it.
"What's going on?" My dad asked me, his breathing laboured.
We were returning home from the hospital. The bus stop was some
100m from our house. Mom was leaning against the wall, behind the
piles of home ware.
"Namjoon, what are we going to do?" She asked, straightening
herself as she saw us. “I fought with the landlord's son and he wanted
the rent...your brother didn't pay..."
We decided to move the contents of our two-room apartment
into the neighbourhood supermarket's storeroom. I wanted to throw
away a lot of it but I didn't have the money to do that either. It was
late by the time we'd packed everything and my back was aching
terribly.
"Eat a little, will you?" Mom tried, giving me chopsticks. I
couldn't eat even if I tried. The storeroom was stuffy enough for me
to summon the energy to sit on the wooden benches near the
supermarket.
"Where did Namhyun go?" Mom asked me from the storeroom.
"How should I know?" I shouted back.
Namjoon. Namjoon. Namjoon. I was sick of hearing my name. I
regretted telling Namhyun to live his life fearlessly. Even if we could
stay in the storeroom for a few days, what were we to do after that? I
had no idea what we'd do then.
The Ahjussi who ran the supermarket came out and gave me a
beer before going back inside. I guess she could see that I'd need it.
10
December
Jimin – December 10 (MOTS: Persona)
"We're almost there," my mom said. I wiped my sleeve across

the car window so I could see outside. I saw a sign. Song Ju Jeil
Middle School
She'd chosen this school because there were no more schools for
me to transfer to in Mun-Hyeon. It was a relief to her that this school
decided to take me. How long would I last in this school? I spent so
many days in the hospital.
We pulled into the school and went through the PE area. No one
else was outside except us. It was too cold to play outside. My mom
finally parked next to a set of swings and chin-up bars.
I looked at the swings and remembered how much I used to love
playing outside. I remember white clouds blowing through blue skies.
It was like a scene from a movie. My mom said it was weird how I
liked playgrounds so much. I'd be at the playground from early
morning until nighttime every day. Until the Arboretum incident.
I'd loved swinging. The adrenaline rush I'd get when swinging
up high enough to feel dizzy. It was so exciting. But scary at the same
time. I loved it.
One day I got my friends to push me as hard as they could. I
wanted to swing all the way around. None of the other kids had done
it and I was determined to be the first.
At first, it was as if I were floating. It was amazing. I felt like I
could touch the sky. And then gravity took over and I fell flat on my
back into the sand. When I opened my eyes I realized I had sand in
my mouth. My knees were scraped a little but it didn't hurt at all. I
was just left feeling disappointed that I wasn't able to swing around
the frame.
11
—————————
In a way, I remember how I looked on that swing. I looked like the

old Jimin who was determined to accomplish his goals. I wonder if
I'd stayed like that, where I would've been in life right now, what I
would've accomplished...My mom snapped me out of my thoughts
and we walked into the school together.
Song Ju Jeil Middle School
The fifth school I attended.
12
YEAR 19
March
Seokjin - 2 March (LY: Her)
(First day of school in spring)

I followed my father into the principal's office. I'd just returned
from America and today is my tenth day back in Korea. The principal
called me into his office because I had to go down a grade due to the
different schooling in America.
"Please take care of him," my dad said, patting my shoulders as
I shivered.
"Since this school is dangerous, there is a need to obey and have
control over the students," the principal said, keeping his intimidating
eyes on me as he spoke. Every time he spoke, his chin wobbled and
his red chapped lips made him look like a devil. He scared me.
"Please tell me Jin won't think of my school as a little too
dangerous?"
I could feel my father's grip on my shoulder tighten as I thought
of how to answer the principal's sudden and direct question. I
clenched my fist to keep in the pain that was spreading throughout
my shoulder, feeling cold sweat form on my back and my neck.
"You need to answer me, Seokjin, regardless of whether you're a
good student or not. Though, you do need to be a good student."
The principal waited expectantly for my answer.
"Yes," I said quickly, the tension immediately released from my
frame as my father released his painful grip.
My father and the principal laughed and shook hands as we
walked out of the office of the devil principal. I looked down at the
brown shoes of my father and the black ones of the principal, watery
glitter filling my sight. I was scared of the light...I didn't want the
adults to see me cry and I certainly didn't want them to think I was
weak either.
13
Yoongi – March 15 (MOTS: Persona)
Lunch was really good that day. It was kind of weird because it
was only a normal school lunch after all. I didn't show what I felt. It
didn't fit with my character.
I sat slouched down in my chair, my chopsticks hanging from
my hand lazily. Today's lunch was good, though. Jungkook and
Taehyung wanted to get some sun. They were moving between seats,
batting at the curtains behind them. The air was dusty.
"Guys, can you at least be quiet while we eat? Please?"
Namjoon asked them, a little annoyed with their fussiness.
I stared at my spoon, a little dazed out. Since when had I been
able to eat with everyone while feeling so at peace? When I'd had
dinner with my family, we'd never talked to each other while eating.
No one had even commented on how good the food was. No one
asked for more. No one said they'd eaten well. Dinner. Meals in
general were seen as a daily routine in our family and nothing more.
My father had said, "Min Yoongi, no talking at the table," some
time ago. I remember the sound of his utensils being set on his empty
plate. That was about the only sound we heard during meals. After
that, it stuck. Instead of taking, I simply ate, keeping the words down
with food occupying my mouth. One time I bit the inside of my cheek
after a large spoon of rice. I didn't say anything even though my eyes
burned with tears. I simply forced myself to swallow the coppery,
bloodied rice in silence.
I snapped out of my daze and noticed someone had swiped a
side dish out of my lunch tray. Involuntarily, I scowled. I wasn't
annoyed or unhappy, though. I was just a scowling kind of person.
"Yah, Taehyung! Yoongi Hyung is mad! What are you doing to
do, now?" Hoseok called out.
14
Taehyung apologized profusely to me, making quite a grand
show out of it. This was the perfect example of what Taehyung and
Hoseok usually did. They never changed.
"It's fine. You can eat it," I told him dismissively. Everyone
started talking again, a flurry of laughter rippling through our table.
Nobody realized that I'd spoken during a meal...
May
Jungkook - 28 May (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
"What are your dreams, Hyungs?" I asked. My Hyungs looked

back at me. "I need to write a research paper about the future," I
mumbled.
Seokjin Hyung spoke first. "I do not think I have any dreams.
Maybe I just want to be a good person..." Seokjin Hyung trailed off in
embarrassment.
Then, Yoongi Hyung spoke. He was lying on a piano chair. He
said in a gentle voice, "It's okay if you don't have a dream. I don't
have a dream either. I'll just be a nobody."
Everyone laughed at Yoongi Hyung's words.
"I'm going to be a superhero." Taehyung Hyung stood up on his
chair and stroke a pose as if he were going to fly.
Hoseok Hyung held his arm. "If you don't get down you're
going to fall and get hurt, Taehyung."
"I want to find my mother and live happily," Hoseok Hyung
added. "To be happy will be my dream."
"So, does that mean you are unhappy now, Hoseok?" It was
Jimin Hyung who asked that.
Hoseok frowned and seemed to think about Jimin's question. "Is
that how it works?"
"What is your dream?" I asked Jimin Hyung.
"What is your dream? Me?" Jimin Hyung looked embarrassed.
15
"I wanted to be a president in kindergarten, but now I don't
know what I want to do," he confessed.
Jungkook - 28 May (Part 2) (LY: Answer)
Namjoon Hyung was the last person left who had to answer. He
shrugged and answered, feeling everyone's expectant gaze on him.
"I want to say something good, but I haven't dreamed at all. I
just want my wage to increase my part-time job."
I looked down at the assignment paper I had gotten, nodding.
The future career section was divided into students and parents. I had
no idea what I wanted to be. I didn't know what to write down on the
paper.
June
Yoongi - 12 June (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
We'd skipped school, but we didn't know where we wanted to

go after that. It was a hot day, we had no money, and no plan. It was
Namjoon's idea to go to the sea. Everyone was excited and ready to
go, but I was ambivalent.
"Do you have money?" I asked.
With the question out for everyone to process, everyone quickly
emitted their pockets and grouped their money. There were only a
couple of coins and notes. Not much really. Not enough to get to the
sea anyways.
"We could just walk there, you know," Taehyung suggested.
Namjoon frowned, wishing the rest would come up with a
solution instead of chattering, laughing and rolling around on the
ground as they walked. I didn't feel like joining in on the energy, so I
fell to the back of the group. The sun was extremely hot. It was
16
midday. The lampposts didn't even help provide any form of shade.
Cars left dust clouds behind them as they drove past.
"Why don't we go there?" Taehyung suggested again. Maybe it
was Hoseok who suggested we go to where he said.
I wasn't paying attention, so it could've been either one of them.
I looked down at the floor as we continued to walk, kicking up stones
and dust as we went. I crashed into someone, almost falling over. I
had no choice but to look up. Jimin was the one I'd crashed into. His
facial muscles were trembling. He looked terrified. As if he'd seen a
ghost.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
He probably didn't even hear me. I struggled to find what he
was staring at. The only thing I could see was a road sign.
ａｒｂｏｒｅｔｕｍ
２。2 ｋｍ
Yoongi - 12 June (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
"I don't want to walk, guys," Jungkook piped up. Sweat

glistened on Jimin's face. He looked as if he was about to collapse.
He was terrified. What was going on?
"Park Jimin!" I called again, feeling uneasy.
Again, he didn't make a single move to acknowledge that he'd
heard me. I lifted my eyes to gaze at the sign again.
"It's hot. Why do you even want to go to the arboretum? Let's
just go to the sea." I spoke, seeming apathetic. I didn't know where
the arboretum was, but I felt we shouldn't go. I didn't know why
Jimin was playing up like this.
"We're out of money anyways," I tried again.
"Let's just walk, as I said earlier," Hoseok replied.
"If we walk to the station everything will work out," Namjoon
tried hopefully.
17
"But then we'll have to skip dinner." Seokjin laughed as Jimin
and Taehyung cried. Jimin only followed us once we started making
our way in the direction of the station. He looked down at his feet and
hunched his shoulders. He resembled a very small child. A very
scared child, too. I looked at the sign again
ａｒｂｏｒｅｔｕｍ
As we came closer to the station, the sign began to disappear

from my sight.
Seokjin - 25 June (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
In the warehouse classroom, I saw a pot on the window. I had

no idea who had brought it, but it certainly looked like Hoseok's. I
pulled out my cellphone to take a picture.
The classroom was dull since the electricity was off. The green
grass outside contrasted painfully with the dark classroom and the
dirty glass windows.
I didn't get a good picture. It wasn't the cellphone's fault,
though, because any camera could simply not see things the same
way our eyes could.
When I approached the pot, I lifted it and turned it upside down.
It was a flower pot. I caught the scent of figs. If one of my Hyung's
bought this pot, I wouldn't be able to resist giving it a closer look. I
noticed the window frame was covered in graffiti. So were the wall
and the ceiling. Pass or die. People's names. Ineligible handwriting.
Seokjin - 25 June (Part 2) (LY: Answer)
This classroom would not have been a warehouse from the

beginning. Students would have cleared out at the end of every day
and been in class again late afternoon.
18
It was empty throughout the holidays, but students would have
flocked the minute class started. At that time, there were students like
us who were perceived and punished. We dropped out of classes.
There were endless examinations and homework from that
ruthless, violent teacher. And there were people like me: People who
talk to the principal about their friends. People who tell on their
friends.
I was wondering if my father's name was there. This was also
my father's alma mater. My father was a man who believed that
attending the same high school, same university after his father gave
dignity to the family tradition.
I skimmed through all the names on the wall and finally, I found
his name. It was in the middle of the left wall, among several other
names. Below that he'd written a short sentence:
"Everything started here".
August
Jimin - 30 August (LY: Her)
While Hoseok was on the phone I played with his shadow on

the ground. Hoseok laughed at my childishness and shook his head,
saying: "you've grown a lot, haven't you Park Jimin?"
It was a 2-hour walk from home to our school, and even so,
Hoseok would walk with me. I'd been closer to school, but I'd moved
to a school farther away when I'd been discharged from the hospital.
This school was no different from the others because I'd move
to a new one every time I got hospitalized and discharged.
But...this school was different once I'd gotten to know Hoseok.
Since the start of the new semester, he'd approached me casually and
relaxed, immediately welcoming me into a friendship with him.
We walked together in the sun, and only after about two hours
of walking did I notice that we weren't going in the direction of
19
Hoseok's home. He was too selfless walking further from his home to
walk me to mine.
I ran away from Hoseok while he still talked on his phone. After
he saw me run he hung up and ran after me, chasing me down the
street, the hot sun on our back as the sound of wind moving through
cicadas reached our ears.
I was terrified of my reality...our reality... How long will these
days of youth last? And when will they end? The truth scared me...
20
YEAR 20
March
Taehyung - 20 March (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
I ran down the corridor, the sound of my feet echoing through

the empty school. I turned the corner and slid across the floor. I came
to a stop as I saw Namjoon Hyung standing near 'our classroom'.
The classroom.
But of course, nobody knew I referred to the class that we'd
inhabited as 'our classroom'. The classroom was just for the seven of
us: The Hyungs, Jungkook and I. Namjoon hadn't noticed me, so I
decided to surprise him, walking as quietly as I could towards him.
"Principal!
I was about to take my fifth footstep as I heard the distressed
shout through the slightly opened classroom window. Was Seokjin
Hyung speaking with the principal in our classroom? Why?
Next Yoongi said my name. Namjoon sucked in a sharp breath
of air. He sounded surprised. Just as I started making my way to the
classroom again, Seokjin Hyung threw open the classroom door. I
quickly hid away as Seokjin Hyung looked around. Before Seokjin
could say anything, Namjoon stopped him.
"It's okay. There must've been a reason for Yoongi Hyung doing
what he did."
Namjoon then went back into the class. I couldn't believe what
I'd heard. Namjoon has betrayed us. Seokjin Hyung and Namjoon
Hyung had told on Yoongi Hyung and me.
We'd skipped class. Jumped over the barrier. Fought with some
students. Namjoon had said it was alright. But what we'd done was
far from right.
Taehyung - 20 March (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
21
"What are you doing here?" I turned around, surprised. Hoseok
Hyung and Jimin were behind me the whole time. Hoseok tried to
seem surprised and hung his arm over my shoulder. He dragged me
into the classroom with him.
Namjoon and Seokjin were speaking to each other before
noticing us, looking up at us and pausing for the briefest of seconds.
Seokjin got up awkwardly, mumbling an excuse of having an
emergency as he slipped out the door. Namjoon looked at Seokjin as
he left. He looked back at us and smiled. As if nothing had ever been
off a few moments prior.
There must be a reason Namjoon was faking his confidence.
He's smarter than me and older. His reasons will be understood by me
only in the future.
I forced a boxy grin to appear on my face. Apparently, my smile
causes me to seem like an idiot. Everyone laughed. I decided to not
tell anyone about the conversation I'd overheard earlier between
Namjoon Hyung and Seokjin Hyung. It'd be my secret for now.
May
Namjoon - 15 May (LY: Her)
As we all walked through the classroom, I noticed the large,

dusty windows serving as walls. We always came here when we had
no other place to go, so there were always a few chairs standing near
a few dust desks.
I lifted my desk so it could stand upright and brushed the dust
off of it with my palm. This is the last thing I would've wanted to
do...
Today was our last day of school. We decided to move two
weeks ago, meaning we may not be able to see our brothers and
sisters again. I folded my paper in half while sitting at my desk in
22
class, my pencil in my hand, hovering over the piece of paper. I
couldn't figure out what I wanted to say.
"You must survive," I wrote, my pencil making scratching noises
as I continued to write.
Soon the paper was filled with stories of poor parents, siblings
and a director between the graphite powder and the doodles I'd made
through my process of writing. I crumpled the paper and shoved it
into my pocket as I rose from my seat. I pushed my desk away from
me as I ran out of the classroom, quickly stopping to write three
letters (words) out on the dusted window: "See You Again."
Those three words were more for comfort than to state a
promise.
June
Taehyung – June 7 (MOTS: Persona)
"Stupid dog couldn't even wait for a second, could it?"

We hadn't found Dubu yet. We'd already scoped the entire
neighbourhood. It'd been twenty minutes already! How could a two-
month puppy go so far in that short amount of time?
The sun was hot. It was summer. My throat was sore from
calling for Dubu. All I did was answer my phone and he slipped out
of his leash and ran off. I ran down alleys and looked in every door. I
called for him. All I got was stares from people walking by.
I have to admit I got quite angry. I called him a little mutt and
said that was why he'd ran away. But I knew that wasn't the case. It
wasn't his fault at all. He was mine after all. I was responsible for
him. I chose to check my phone instead of looking after him.
But....what if he'd run away because of me? I stopped walking
for a second. Maybe he didn't like me as his owner? I enjoyed having
him live with me. But maybe to him, it meant nothing?! But maybe
he missed his family...
23
A second later I heard the familiar sound of paws on pavement.
I heard Dubu barking too. At first, I was sure I was hallucinating, my
imagination even! But when I turned around, there he was running
down the alley. His ears were flapping in the wind, his tongue out as
he ran uphill.
"Dubu!" I kneeled as he ran straight for me. "Where did you go?
How did you find me? Did you remember me?"
As I held him a strange feeling came over me. I had a sort of
realization. I finally could be reliable to someone. Dubu had me and
me only to rely on. I was someone he could come back to. Dubu tried
to squirm away from me, but I only held him closer to me.
Yoongi - 25 June (LY: Her)
I opened my bedroom door and opened my desk drawer to pull

out the envelope at the bottom of the drawer. As I opened the
envelope, a charred piano key fell onto the desk. Turning over the
note in my hands, I threw it into the bin and went to lie down on my
bed.
When looking at the note, my heart has stopped, my breath had
caught in my throat and my head was still a mess. I looked at my
fingers, seeing the black remnants of the piano key covering them.
I remembered the day I'd gotten that piano key. I'd gone to the
house that was destroyed by the fire after my mother's funeral. When
I entered my mother's room, I stopped, frozen in place when I saw the
burnt piano... her piano... destroyed... unrecognizable...
I sat down beside the piano, touching a few of the charred keys
gently. The afternoon sunlight made the small flakes of ivory left on
the keys glow dully. What did this piano sound like? I wondered.
I thought of how many times my mother must've played the
piano, touching the keys with her hands. She must've touched the
piano's keys more than she'd ever touched me.
24
I stood up and took one of the notes, pocketing it as I walked out
of the house...what was left of it anyways. It's been almost 4 years
since her funeral when I took that note from her piano.
There was no use keeping it anymore. I got up from my bed and
dug the note out of the bin under my desk, going over to my window
and opening it. The night air poured in, hitting me with a sudden
coldness, very similar to the events of today. I threw the piano key
into the air and waited to hear it fall to the ground...but I never heard
it...
The house was now quiet. My father wouldn't be awake until
ten, meaning the house wouldn't breathe for quite a while until he
woke up. The silence was maddening, but I would only be allowed to
breathe when my father awoke. But that was the rule of the house and
we had to obey it. It wasn't always so easy to keep rules unbroken. It
never was and still isn't.
I can't bear to live in this house anymore...in this hell any
longer. I couldn't tolerate it and I could hardly keep myself sane. I
lived with his constant bickering but still received money and food.
Even though I was troubled, I decided to leave my father and went
out on my own. In his house, I had no freedom to speak, let alone the
courage to even try to do so. As I left the house I swore to never
touch a piano again.
Jungkook - 25 June (LY: Her)

As I brushed my fingers over the keys of the old piano, they
were covered in dust when I brought them up to my face. I pressed
my fingers down on the keys again, noticing it sounded different to
what Hyung had played.
It's been almost 10 days since Hyung came back to school.
Rumour had it that he'd been suspended for those ten days he wasn't
at school. I was worried about him, but Hoseok and Namjoon Hyung
wouldn't tell me anything.
25
Two weeks ago, when the teacher entered our class, it was
Parents day. Both Hyung and I didn't want to be there, so we escaped
and went to the music room. No one ever went there on Parent Days
anyway.
I had pushed two desks together that day and lay down, closing
my eyes as Hyung played the piano. I always thought of Hyung and
the piano as one, but I never exactly knew why I thought that of
him... Whenever I hear Hyung play, I want to cry. As I lay by the
desk with my eyes closed those two weeks ago before Hyung
disappeared for ten days, I felt the tears build up behind my eyes.
Before my tears could fall, the door opened and Hyung's playing
stopped... The sudden noise of the door crashing open caused me to
fall off the desk in fright, my face hitting the floor painfully.
The man that walked in, I supposed, was Yoongi's teacher. As I
got to my knees, I stayed in a crouched position, cupping my cheek as
I held back my angry words, tears dripping down onto the floor. I
looked up fearfully at the two fighting, seeing Yoongi push the
teacher away...
I pressed down on the piano keys absentmindedly as I recalled

the disastrous day. Was Yoongi Hyung expelled? Will he come back
again? It was a common thing for Yoongi to disappear for a few
days… Maybe if I wasn't there with Yoongi Hyung that day, he
wouldn't have hit that teacher... Maybe if I hadn't been there that
day...Hyung would've still been playing the piano...
July
Seokjin - 17 July (LY: Tear)
26
I listened to the sound of cicadas singing as I stood outside the
school building. The sports field was busy. Kids were laughing,
playing and running around showing off their skills.
Everyone was so energetic at the beginning of the summer
holidays. I bowed my head as I walked past the excited buzz of
students. I wanted to get out of the school quickly without any
holdups.
"Hyung!" A shadow jumped into my view. Apparently, they
were too, because as I lifted my head, Jimin and Hoseok were
standing in front of me. As always, they were smiling brightly and
with eyes were full of mischief.
"It's the holidays. Don't tell me you're just going to leave
quietly!" Hoseok exclaimed, grabbing my arm and dragging me along
with them.
I mumbled lame excuses as I reluctantly followed them. What
had happened that day was an accident. What happened was not
planned. I didn't think Yoongi and Jungkook would be in the storage
room.
The principal was suspicious of me. He thought I was standing
up for my dongsaengs. He threatened to tell my father that I wasn't a
good student as I'd promised to be. I had no choice but to tell him
about the hideout. I thought no one would've been there. But things
got so bad after revealing our hideout that Yoongi got expelled.
Nobody knew that it was my fault.
"Have a great holiday! I'll call you, okay?" Hoseok said,
ignoring my ignorance and saying goodbye even more brightly.
I couldn't say anything. As I neared the school gates, I
remembered my first day in this school. All seven of us were late. We
all got in trouble. And so we were able to laugh over it later and relate
to it together. We wouldn't be able to make more of those memories.
And it was all my fault. I'd ruined everything.
27
September
Hoseok - 15 September (LY: Her)
Jimin's mother paced along outside the emergency room. I

looked at the name at the top of the bed's headboard, eyes travelling
down to the drip that Jimin was connected to. I took my hands off
Jimin's shoulders gently.
I needed to talk to someone to find out what caused Jimin's
seizure at the bus stop...I don't know why Jimin was brought to the
emergency room. I wanted to talk to Jimin's mother about it, but I
was too scared and awkward as I felt her gaze, which had been fixed
on me way too long, burn into my back.
When I turned to look at her she mumbled a small "thank you"
before turning away. Later on, when the doctors and nurses
approached Jimin's bed, his mother followed the bed as they wheeled
him out. I followed him for a while too until she thanked me again,
slightly pushing my shoulder. There was a solid line between us as
we met each other's eyes...
For once, I felt as if there was a line I'd never be able to cross
between Jimin and his mother. I'd lived in an orphanage for ten years
and yet, they had still taken me in and shown me so much care and
kindness.
As Jimin's mother looked at me, I stepped further away from the
bed. Jimin's small graceful frame was handsome, but still, there was
an unseen shadow that was visible to me as I looked a little closer.
He'd been deprived of the attention he'd needed due to the care
his parents had shown me. In a way, it felt as if his mother was
blaming me for Jimin's seizure at the bus stop... After that day, Jimin
didn't come to school anymore...it was all my fault...
28
Jimin - 28 September (LY: Her)
I'd stopped counting the days I'd been in this hospital.

When I'd still had hope that I could leave, I'd counted the days down
until my discharge, but not this time around.
Outside my hospital room's window, I saw people walking
around on the soft green grass underneath the trees in the distance.
Some people wore uniforms, but it wasn't significant anymore...
Because of my medication, everything was a blur most of the time.
Roughly, I guessed, there was one month left until my
discharge. Besides that 'one month fact', today was a special day for
another reason entirely. Today, I will lie for the first time. I have it all
planned out to the smallest detail. I will look into the doctor's eyes
with empty eyes as he asked me his question, which he repeated
daily.
"Do you remember anything, Jimin-ah?"
"I don't remember anything..."
Today...I lied for the first time.
Jimin - 28 September (Smeraldo Books)
I lied for the first time today. I looked into the doctor’s eyes and
pretended to be depressed. “I can’t remember anything”
Jungkook - 30 September (LY: Tear)
"Jeon Jeongguk, answer me. Are you still going to that place?"
The teacher asked me angrily.
I didn't answer. I stared at the tips of my shoes, hoping he'd just
let me pass. He hit me with the attendance file, but still, I didn't
answer. The Hyungs and I had found that classroom and there wasn't
a day I didn't go. Maybe they didn't know I went there every day.
Sometimes they didn't know... Sometimes they didn't come either.
29
They might've been busy or made plans beforehand. They had part-
time jobs as well.
Seokjin Hyung and Yoongi Hyung hadn't been to the classroom
in a few days now that I thought about it. But it's okay. Sometimes
none of us went. It's okay. Even if they didn't come today. They'd
come tomorrow. And if not then the day after. It's okay.
The teacher hit me again. "Those boys you hang around are
nothing but a bad influence."
I looked up at the teacher as he hit me again. At that specific
moment, I remembered Yoongi Hyung as he'd hit me with just as
much force as this teacher before me. I gritted my teeth and stood
still, enduring the blows. I would never lie. I would never deny that
I'd go to that classroom.
After school that day I stood outside the classroom door, hoping
to find all the Hyungs inside playing a board game. Or maybe...
Namjoon Hyung and Seokjin Hyung would be reading. Yoongi
Hyung would be playing the piano. Hoseok Hyung and Jimin Hyung
would be dancing. They'd ask me why I was late as I opened the door
and went inside.
But instead, when I opened the door, Hoseok Hyung was the
only one there. He was collecting all the things we'd left scattered
around the empty classroom. He offered me an apologetic smile as he
walked over to me. He hung an arm over my shoulder and led me out
the room.
"Let's go." He closed the door behind us as we walked down the
corridor. My stomach flipped as I suddenly realized what was
happening. Those days we spent in the classroom together. As a
group of friends. Brothers. Those days were gone. And we'd never get
them back.
30
YEAR 21
February
Hoseok - 25 February (LY: Her)
I look at myself as I dance in the mirror, free from people's

critical eyes and cruel standards of education and beauty, in the
studio.
There's nothing more important than being in my own space,
able to focus on the music and the beat, and nothing more... I started
dancing at the age of twelve, at...what I can vaguely remember,
could've been a talent show. The most memorable parts of that day
were when I stood on the stage, enjoying the cheers and the claps as
my friends watched from within the audience. It was also the day I
felt that I had finally found my strength...that I had finally found
something I could be confident in.
Moving my whole being to the music was something that I
didn't do for the praise of the fame of the money...as that small child
and still now...moving my body to the music and dancing was
honestly and truthfully something sincere that came deep from within
me.
Outside the studio where there is no mirror to see me in, I'm
weighed down by many things. I can't dance and forget my problems
and sometimes, even if I don't like it, I smile anyways. Even when I'm
sad I will still smile.
When taking medication I don't need, everything, including my
smile, will fall... And that is why the moment I dance with the belief
of being happy, confident and calm and free of the heavy problems of
the world... is my most protected, precious moment... The moment I
can dance is the moment I am truly happy...
May
31
Jungkook – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)
I pedalled harder as the sun began to set. I was on my way to the

Yangjicheon Riverbank. The sky darkened, a cascade of pinks and
purples. It was beautiful. Riding my bike like this, seeing the sunset,
made me feel lighter as if all my burdens from the day were forgotten
for a few moments.
Just as my mom had started to prepare dinner, I decided to take
a ride. I didn't want to see anyone at home. No one ever smiled when
they saw me. That was when I realized...even if you lived with people
your entire life, it didn't make you family unless you loved each other
truly.
When my Hyungs left one by one from school, we hardly kept
in contact despite us still living in the same city. Now that they were
gone, I had no one to show me any love.
The sun finally went down. The moon wasn't out yet. By the
time I reached the riverbank, it was dark. Things had changed in this
area a little bit...there was a park now where a road used to be. There
was a scrap yard, by the looks of it, here too. It was filled with old
tires, garbage and beat-up cars.
I leaned my bike against one of the bridge's pillars and made my
way down to the riverbank. I spotted a few kids on the other side
drinking and messing around with a few sticks they'd found on the
ground.
My side was quiet. I guess it was partly due to the scrappy
demeanour of this area. The other side was cleaner and more
appealing. I was happy to be on this side though. I was happy to be by
myself for a while. Nobody would be able to find me here either. I
didn't want this moment of solitude and peace to ever end...
August
Seokjin – August 9 (MOTS: Persona)
32
I walked along the beach, taking photos as I went. The
beachfront, the neighbourhood: they were always changing. The
ocean never changed though. After my walk, I drove for a while, got
out, sat on the sand and took a look at the photos I'd taken.
The locations and times were different, but the pictures were the
same. The photo was beautiful. The horizon and the ocean merged
into one. You couldn't tell where the other stopped and the other
began.
It had been a year since I'd left SongJu for Los Angeles. I stayed
with my mother's family. I spent my whole childhood there. The
house wasn't familiar to me nor was it strange. The father was the one
who taught me to be a good person. I had to hide my emotions and
smile (even if it looked a little awkward). In most cases, these little
tricks worked. Coming to LA, things were no different.
When I arrived in LA, I stopped taking photos of people. I didn't
have a reason. Why I stopped taking photos of people that are. I took
pictures of the ocean instead. I probably wanted to take pictures of
something that would never change. It's kind of funny now that I
think about it.
It wasn't that my friends or I had changed. I'd always been like
that. I'd just gotten caught this time. I didn't bring high school photos
with me to LA. I'd changed so much compared to who I'd been in
high school. I don't hide my feelings anymore. I had no reason to find
a place of my own. My smile was still awkward. But it was different
from before. Back then, my smile was genuine.
I lifted the camera to my eyes, taking a photo of the ocean. The
sky was overcast. The sky and the ocean were the same colour. The
horizon was blurry. Of all the photos I'd taken of the ocean, you'd
think they were identical. They weren't. Every single photo was
different and unique in its own way.
The weather, the light, the wind: they were all different. My eye
while taking the photo, my heart: those were also different. These
differences were true for the photo I'd taken today as well as those I'd
33
taken in high school. Photos contain the eyes and the heart of the
photographer.
Maybe I hadn't brought my high school photos with me to LA
because I was afraid to recall how I'd been back then. I was afraid to
miss who I used to be. How was I doing? What did I think of myself?
These questions terrified me. And because they make me scared, I put
them in a box and shut the lid tightly. I wouldn't see those photos
again for quite some time.
December
Namjoon - 17 December (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
Waiting for the bus, the people around me rubbed their hands
together to try and warm them up as a cold breeze brushed their cold
fingers.
I tightened my grip on my backpack's straps and looked down at
the ground. I tried to avoid making eye contact with those around me.
This was a country town. Only two buses came past every day. The
first bus started to come into view. I followed everyone onto the bus,
not bothering to look back.
When you're desperate enough for something... where you can
almost place it in your palms... when all you can do is escape... Take
the bus and get out. And don't turn back. If I turned back, all the
effort I'd put in would be in vain. To turn back, to be suspicious, to
yearn to give up, to be afraid. I had to overcome these doubts in order
to escape.
The bus departed. I had no plans after I'd escaped. I wasn't so
desperate to chase after what I wanted just yet. I just wanted to run
away. I didn't have a goal driving me forward after that.
Mom's tired gaze. My troubled sibling. My dad getting sick. Our
family was getting harder to be around as every day passed. Our
family emphasized peace and sacrifice. We stayed unknowing and
34
tried to get used to carrying on. We tried to get used to poverty. Is
poverty a sin? Nobody would dare say it is.
Namjoon - 17 December (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
I say it is. Poverty is a sin, indeed. Poverty gnaws away at so

many things. Things we treasured became meaningless. Things we
could never give up, we let go of. You then become resigned and
scared. You become suspicious.
In a couple of hours, the bus will stop by a place I'm familiar
with. I left that place a year ago, didn't say my goodbyes, but I'm here
again. I'd lost all contact with my friends. What are they all doing
now? Would they be happy to see me? Would we be able to meet
again and laugh like old times? The frost on the bus window made it
hard to see much outside. I placed my finger on the glass and started
writing.
"I need to survive."
35
YEAR 22
February
Seokjin – February 1 (MOTS: 7)
"We will be landing shortly."

I glanced out the window to see the clouds pass by. I'll miss the
time I spent in L.A. It was nice to go to the beach. Nothing else was
extremely memorable besides that. The plane made a wide turn and
soon, I spotted the city below me.
I hadn't expected to come back to SongJu so suddenly. My
father had called me and told me to come back. He never gave me a
reason as to why I should return. It was odd, but I was sure he had a
reason. After all, he was a man who always had reasons for his
actions. Maybe coming back wasn't so sudden. Maybe this was fate.
And fate was never sudden, was it?
"Is that our house?" the little boy in front of me pointed down to
the city. "No, our house is across the river!" the father replied.
Home, I thought to myself. I didn't feel like I was going home.
L.A. hadn't been my home either. I guess I didn't have a place to call
home. I never really felt at home anywhere...
Hoseok – February 25 (MOTS: Persona)
Everything changed after I turned nineteen. I wasn't a ward of

the state and I couldn't stay at the orphanage any longer. I'd saved up
money from part-time jobs and from the stipend I'd gotten after
leaving the system. It was time to find a place of my own with the
money I had. I didn't want to go near the places I'd been while
growing up in the orphanage. I went further into the city and found a
rooftop room at the end of a street instead. They were cheaper.
36
I dragged my suitcase upstairs. It wasn't too heavy because I'd
never had much. I'd gotten furniture from the recycling centre to fill
the apartment. I only had a few clothes and pairs of shoes to pack out.
Arranging the apartment wasn't a hassle at all.
It was exhausting though. I'd only been able to rest after
it'd gotten dark outside. It was only February and yet I'd picked up a
sweat. Cold air blew in as I opened the metal door. I went out and
leant on the bannister, taking in the new view of SongJu. Now, where
was the orphanage? I swept my gaze over the river and followed its
path to the left. There were so many neon lights in the city that I
wasn't able to make out where the orphanage was in the end. I'd have
a better chance at spotting it when it was bright outside.
My apartment was only a room. It was a bit shabby. It didn't get
a lot of maintenance either. It was hot as ever in summer and let it
cold drafts in winter. But it was mine. And because it was mine I
could do whatever, be whatever I wanted inside its walls. I had
privacy. I could cry and laugh all I wanted with no one around to see
me.
I turned back to my apartment. My very own home from this
day forward. This place near the sky, above the city and shouted,
"Let’s do well!"
March
Hoseok – 2 March (LY: Answer)
I liked being among people. I started a part-time job at a fast-

food restaurant, but I had to deal with a lot of people and always had
to smile and be active.
That was good for me. In fact, my life was neither jovial nor
energetic. It was also evident that I saw more bad people than good
37
ones. Maybe it was better that way. If I forcefully laugh, talk loudly,
and cheerfully respond, I feel like I am in such a mood.
I was laughing so much, I felt good. I was friendly and kind, and
I had a hard time. It was hard to take a step when arranging the store
and returning home. Still, it was a little easier to endure those things
when I had friends.
Sometimes I thought of my friends while I was watching a
customer entering the store: Seokjin Hyung, who had gone away
without a word, Namjoon Hyung, who disappeared one morning,
Yoongi Hyung, who I had not contacted after he was expelled,
Taehyung where the accident was, and finally, Jimin... I have seen a
few times in front of the window wearing uniforms and leaving
school, but somehow I did not go to the store. I thought that those
days were gone now. I was greatly welcomed by the guests as I was
broken out of thought. Then I turned to the door with a bright and
healthy smile.
Taehyung – March 29 (LY: Answer)
The owner of the gas station spat on the floor and left.
I laid crouching on the floor still. I graffitied the back wall of the gas
station and was caught by the owner and got hit.
I rolled on the floor. Being hit was a familiar thing, but it still
hurt. It was a while ago when I started graffiti art. I had picked up the
leftover spray. It looked like it was yellow. I just sprayed it at random
and bright yellow on the grey wall. I gave the wall another spray.
I only stopped my hand after all the spray cans were empty. I
couldn't wait to go back. I did not know the significance of the
colours I'd put on the wall yet. What I did... why I did it... I did not
know yet. Just one thing I could say is that I felt the colours in my
heart. At first, I thought I was ugly. It was stupid, useless and pitiful. I
did not like it.
38
I rubbed off the undried paint that was on my palms. I wanted to
erase everything. Instead of the paint being erased, it mixed into
different colours and formed into different shapes. I sat against the
wall. It was not the matter of heart and soul. It was not the problem of
being beautiful or not. It was just me.
I coughed when lifted myself. Blood poured out from my
mouth. And then I saw someone's hand pick up the spray can. As I
followed the hand, I saw his face. It was Namjoon Hyung.
I laughed. I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought it was an
illusion. I must've been hit pretty hard. Hyung extended his hand. I
just looked up. Namjoon Hyung took my hand and pulled me to my
feet. His hands were warm.
April
Yoongi - 7 April (Part 1) (LY: Her)
I stopped walking at the sound of a piano being played. The

song was strange...and as I walked with drunken steps in the middle
of the night, I realized that I knew the song, but forgot the name.
Someone was making a drum cigarette and, probably, that sale
someone was playing the song. The song that haunted me and made
me feel strange... My legs buckled beneath me as I walked on,
towards the sound of the piano, but I leaned on to my feet heavier to
stay upright. I closed my eyes and allowed the song to overtake me
along with the heat of the nearing fire as I followed the sound...
Suddenly the air around me as well as the odour of the fire became
blurred…
My eyes snapped open as I heard a car horn pierce through the

night air. Headlights blinded me as the driver of the car swerved past
39
me, spitting out curses at me. I was too caught up in the shock of
what was happening, helpless as I stood, watching the car drive away.
When my surroundings were quiet again, the sound of the piano had
grown faint until it finally stopped. Why did he stop playing? And
more importantly, who was the pianist?
As I neared the building, a face was seen through the darkness. I

looked at that face for a long time until I heard the disastrous mix of
notes as a fist banged down on the piano's notes.
I had no doubts that it was the same piano from earlier.
I looked back, trying to look for the piano, my breathing rapid as my
blood turned cold in fright from the sudden noise. This whole
situation was like a child's nightmare. Against my will, my legs
pushed forward to the area where I'd suspected the piano would be.
I felt like this exact moment had been repeated many times
before and that I'd forgotten the most vital event this time around. I
came to see a broken window, and sure enough, someone was sitting
by the piano in the instrument shop.
I began to cry as I recognized this specific scenario. It'd been
several years since I'd seen this person. I held my hands tightly
together, crying harder.
I didn't want to be involved in this person's life...not again. I did

not want to dwell in their loneliness and aid it. I can't be meaningful
to anyone. I can't be with someone until the end of the road. I can't
protect them. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to hurt myself
either. I slowly began to move away, but instead, my feet took me
closer to the boy.
'Hyung..."
40
"You played this note wrong..." I pointed out Jungkook’s
mistake. I looked up at Jungkook, realizing it was the first time I'd
met him since I'd beat him up in high school...
Yoongi - 7 April (Smeraldo Books)
The car had just barely missed me. The remaining buzz of the
alcohol all made me feel giddy. Then I realized I couldn’t hear the
piano anymore.
Seokjin - 11 April (LY: Her)
I came to the sea alone, the sea wide and open as always in my
rear view mirror. The sunlight caught the surface of the water and the
wind blew through the pine trees, just as I'd remembered it and just as
it'd always been.
The only difference was that this time around, I'd come to the
sea alone. I remembered snapping a picture of all of us side by side as
we sat in front of the sea. I now had nothing but that picture and I was
just managing to hold myself together.
I turned on the far again and pressed down on the accelerator,
passing through the tunnel and the stop street. Students opened their
car windows as I passed the school. It was a spring night and the air
was warm. Cherry blossom trees lined the sides of the street while
cherry blossoms lay scattered along the streets. As I took a few more
turns, the light of the gas station showed a lonely Namjoon working...
Seokjin - 11 April (LY: Tear)
The car stopped with a screech. I'd been so deep in thought I

hadn't seen the traffic lights change. Students stared at me through the
car window as they crossed the road. Some were even pointing at me.
I gave a weak smile as I bowed my head.
41
I knew what I had to do. But I was still afraid. Would I be able
to end all this misfortune and pain? Don't repeated failures mean you
will never have success? Shouldn't I just give up? Isn't our happiness
a vain hope?
Sold many thoughts passed through my mind as I continued to
drive. Without noticing, I passed the petrol station where Namjoon
was working. I breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. I thought of
everyone's faces: Jungkook, Jimin, Yoongi, Taehyung, and Hoseok…
I changed lanes and turned off to the petrol station. I couldn't
give up. Even if there was only a 1% chance I wouldn't give up.
Behind my window, I saw Namjoon edge towards my car.
Seokjin - 11 April (LY: Answer)
It was April 11 again when I opened my eyes. Sunlight poured

in through the open curtains. I squeezed my eyes shut as a wave of
dizziness came over me. The sunlight danced in dull reds across my
eyelids. As I lay there with my eyes closed, a memory came to mind:
I stood alone under the beach gazebo. It was the 22nd of May.
The past and the future have already happened and could happen in
the future.
It was a moment when I thought everything was finally
resolved. I saw that Taehyung was contemplating climbing over the
observatory's wall. The sky was still blue, but the sun had started to
set. A beautiful pinkish-reddish hue had begun to take on our
surroundings.
I turned my head and saw that Taehyung had decided to climb
over the fence and had begun to climb the observatory. When
Taehyung reached the top, he looked down at us for a while, and then
jumped. I felt free just like him at that moment. I leapt like a bird with
wings. I wanted to stop in the air for a moment, but the curtain
opened like a broken mirror, and I felt like a cold wind had hit me.
When I opened my eyes today, it was April the first.
42
Yoongi – April 11 (LY: Answer)
I walked, not caring about Jungkook's coming situation.

Containers followed the long stretch of railroad tracks.
"It's the fourth container from behind," Jungkook said.
"Namjoon and Taehyung are meeting me here," he added.
"I know," I replied. I wasn't going to go.
It was disgusting to get involved with other people. That fact
was set in stone. I would've never thought I'd get as far as to come
with Jungkook to this place. As Hoseok opened the door from inside,
he looked surprised. When I saw Jungkook behind me, I assumed that
I was crossing over as a person who exaggerated. I side stepped past
the two and walked inside the container. I heard the gentle voices of
Jungkook and Hoseok trying to coax me into staying for a while.
Within minutes Namjoon brought Taehyung. His T-shirt was torn.
"What happened?" Namjoon asked, squeezing Taehyung's
shoulder.
"I'm late because I got caught by a police officer. I ran away,"
Taehyung explained. Everyone could see Taehyung was nervous that
the T-shirt had been torn. Namjoon gave Taehyung a new T-shirt to
put on as he put burgers and drinks on a tray. The rest of us stood
around awkwardly, not knowing what to do with ourselves.
I remembered when we were back in high school, Namjoon was
teased. We used to say he'd become an older version of Taehyung.
Jungkook moved to the city. We didn't know any other details besides
that at the time. There weren't so many occasions when we'd all too
been in the same room together. I don't remember well.
It wasn't like what had happened with Seokjin and Jimin. When
Seokjin had snitched on Jimin to the principal and they'd fought in the
classroom after school. We'd all been there that time too. Even
though this is the first peaceful gathering we'd had in years I was
strangely comfortable.
43
Namjoon - 11 April (LY: Her)
As soon as Taehyung saw my t-shirts, he reached out from

behind me and took one of them to change into. He laughed and
quickly took off his torn shirt, showing his bruises for a few moments
in the dim light of the caravan, before slipping the shirt on. Taehyung
walked over to my mirror and looked at his reflection. I laughed,
looking at him, "You're graffiti with all those bruises, Taehyung!"
"I'm late because I got caught by the police. The police were the
vandals Hyung..."
Namjoon – 11 April (LY: Answer)
When I turned around at the end of the gas, I rubbed my face

and fell. Reflectively, I leaned forward. The people sitting in the car
laughed suddenly but stopped just as abruptly. I could not lift my
head. What should I do if I drove expensive cars, ignored others and
rattled them?
I have to face it. If their behaviour is unfair, they should count.
It is not a matter of courage, pride or equality. But it is a matter of
course. And this was a gas station and I was a part-timer. When
customers throw garbage on the floor, swear or throw a bill... the
part-timers should pick it up, hear it and collect it from the ground. I
shook with anger. I clenched my fist tightly, my nails digging
painfully into the flesh of my palm. Then someone picked up the
paper money. Then he handed it to me. The people in the car moaned
as they drove out of the gas station. I didn't lift my head until I was
sure they'd left.
I had no intention of confronting Seokjin Hyung. My cowardice.
My poverty was not that you did not know my situation. But I did not
want to show it so nakedly.
44
Hyung gaze on me didn't waver. I never spoke to him. I never
approached him.
Namjoon – April 11 (Smeraldo Books)
Seokjin just stood there on the edge of my sight. He didn’t come

closer or start talking.
Jungkook - 11 April (LY: Her)
Finally, I could get my revenge... I bumped into the bullies as

they walked past me, punching one of them, knocking him out. One
of the others hit me, but I smiled as I hit him back.
"You're crazy!" he shouted, wiping the blood from off of his
chin. Their words faded into the distance as they ran away.
I look up to the sky, feeling as if I could relate to it in a way,
being abandoned so easily in the vast expanse of blue...
As tears begin to form, I laugh bitterly, memories flashing through
my mind as I closed my eyes: My stepfather crying...My brother
rolling around on the floor with uncontrollable laughter...My parents
talking to relatives about me as if I wasn't there when in reality I was
standing right next to them... As these thoughts came to my attention,
I realized that my mother saw me as an embarrassment when we
visited with family... Now as I opened my eyes, the memories leaving
weight on my chest, I collapsed. The bullies had hit me hard enough
for me to lose consciousness...
~
I woke up on the floor, coughing as I accidentally inhaled the
dust on the ground. My whole body hurt as I slowly got up, finally
successfully making my way to the construction site. I fell onto the
roof of the half-finished building, looking out at the night life in the
city. On other nights, the view was beautiful, but after today's events,
it looked terrible in my eyes. I climbed over the safety railings and
45
stood on the edge of the building with my arms outstretched, losing
my balance as a strong gust of wind blew past me, causing my legs to
shake.
It could end right here if I took one more step...I thought...if I
die that'll be all over...and guess what? , no one will even miss me if I
decide to die tonight... They won't care…
Jungkook – April 11 (LY: Answer)
I walked on the railing of the roof. It was an abandoned building

with its construction suspended. When I put my foot out into the air,
the evening light was replaced with darkness. The nightlife was
waking up beneath the railing. Neon signs blinked, car horns beeped,
and dust swirled in the darkness.
For a moment I felt dizzy and began to wobble. I opened my
arms to keep my balance. Then I thought... It was just one step... If I
take one more step, it would all be over. If I leaned a little more into
the darkness... the darkness that started at the tip of my feet. I closed
my eyes. The bustling nightlife... the city... my fears... They all
disappeared. I held my breath. I slowly leaned over.1 I didn't think of
anything. I didn't think of anyone. I didn't want to leave anything
behind.
I wouldn't remember anything. Just like this, it would all stop. It
was at this moment my phone rang. I snapped back into reality as if
I'd just woke up from a very realistic dream. All my messed up
emotions came back. I took out my phone from my back pocket. It
was Yoongi Hyung.
Jungkook – April 11 (Smeraldo Books)
My phone rang. I came back to myself as if awakened from a

long dream. I took out my phone. It was Yoongi Hyung.
46
I spray painted the face I had seen in my dreams on the wall. A

line of black. A thin face. A mouth with no words. Dry hair. Crude
lines. I poised my can above the eyes, ready to spray the pupils in.
Stopped. Took a few steps back. The face was so, so clear in my
head. The eyes were so detailed in my head too. I didn't know how to
convey it in this artwork. The eyes were void of all emotions. They
were cold. They were every single colour meshed together into one.
These eyes said nothing and with nothing said everything. I tried to
do the pupils but stopped myself every time. In the end, I never did
them.
The last time I saw Seokjin was two years ago. Last I heard he
went to America. I didn't know anything else besides that. I dreamt
about him once. It was the first time I'd done so. I wondered what he
was doing with his life. I remember the incident in the classroom
when he'd ratted out on us. I had good memories of him and some
that I couldn't figure out.
The face I spray-painted on the wall was nothing like Seokjin.
He never seemed cold to me. He appeared gaunt and emotionless in
my dream, though, which was odd. I inspected my graffiti again. I'd
definitely spray painted Seokjin. But I didn't know this version of
him. Why did I get a dream like this all of a sudden? Filled with
terror and anxiety, scenes played over and over in my head. Seokjin
had seen all those terrible things happen over and over again. And his
face remained void of all emotions while doing so. I raised my hand
and poised my spray can over the artwork again. My hand shook.
Before I could do anything, I heard the police sirens.
Seokjin – April 11 (MOTS: 7)
I woke up, squinting as the sun shone in my eyes. I'd had that
dream again. Namjoon's home in flames, Namjoon's lifeless form
47
inside. I covered my eyes and sat up. How on earth was I going to
save Namjoon? What else was left for me to do after everything I had
already tried?
September 30...I don't remember feeling much that day. I wasn't
impatient or afraid. After the accident I found myself stuck in this
loop. I had no idea how it happened or how to fix it. I hadn't even
figured out what the "map of the soul" actually was.
The map of the soul was supposedly what would end all this
madness. It was the key to ending this loop. After looping several
times, I remembered hearing these words; "All of this will end when
you find the map of the soul."
"What is the map of the soul?" I asked back. I got no answer.
Instead, the voice replied, "Hints come at a cost."
The gas station where Namjoon worked was some way ahead of
me. I decided to change lanes. The loop will end if I stop the accident
that happened on September 30. That was my goal. That was the only
thing I could think about. Even if others were hurt, I couldn't care. I
had to focus on stopping that accident. I couldn't let other incidents
overwhelm me right now. I had to focus. I had to survive, I had to
escape. My safety was just as important while trying to save everyone
else. I had to save myself first. I had to escape first. That was what
the loop had taught me.
I knew what happened to Taehyung all those years ago. Even if

I pretended to be oblivious an uneasy feeling would come over me
unexpectedly, whether it be in a momentary action, expression or
tone.
I went to the police station frequently and saw wounds on my
body. It was a nightmare. I'd had a nightmare. It was because I was
waiting for Taehyung to speak for himself. On the other hand, I was
wondering if I was even entitled to go through such troubles.
48
I pretended to be older and mature, but I wasn't even able to
protect myself when my friends became more guarded about the
world around them. Everyone thinks they are mature, but I wasn't a
real adult. I wasn't able to comprehend the reality before me.
"Yoongi Hyung is dead." Taehyung had a nightmare too. I sat
with my shoulders hunched for a long time. I didn't even think of
wiping away Taehyung's tears and comforting him.
"The dream was so real, Hyung," he said.
"But it seems like it's only a dream..."
"Don't go where you are," he said, his voice trembling.
Seokjin was in the car. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock,

frozen in place. Namjoon told me Seokjin was back. This was the
first time I saw Seokjin face to face. And he was looking at his phone,
frowning. I wasn't shocked to see him again. I didn't have a reason. I
didn't know how to express Seokjin's face. These words weren't
enough: cold, dry, empty.
A cool wind swept past me, giving me the chills. A shiver swept
over me. I'd seen Seokjin in my dream with the exact expression that
he was wearing now. Jungkook came around the corner then. He
looked serious. He ran across the alley. Seokjin looked irritated. He
gestured and got out of the car shortly after. He seemed to be talking
to himself under his breath. I wasn't close enough to hear him.
Probably something along the lines of "whatever, forget it."
He started towards the motel a little way away. And before he
went in he looked in the direction Jungkook had run and left
something at the entrance.
May
Yoongi – 2 May (LY: Answer)
49
The sheet burnt instantly. Everything was surrounded by the
unbearable heat of the fire. The apartment was no longer damp. It no
longer smelled damp and mouldy. All that was left was pain. The
physical pain of the fire burning my fingertips open.
My skin was so hot it felt like blisters would form only to be
melted off by the heat. My father's expressionless face came to mind.
Music scattered through my thoughts. My father and I were so
different. He didn't understand me. I didn't understand him. If I tried,
could I persuade him? Probably not. All I could do was hide, rebel,
and run away. Then there was a time when I thought about whether I
was going to get out or not. Then came the fear of cliffs. What on
earth am I running away from? How can I escape from myself?
Everything seemed impossible.
It sounded like someone was calling, but I did not lift my head. I
could not breathe because of the heat and the pain. I had no will to
move. I was still able to remember Jungkook. He must have gotten
angry. Perhaps he will mourn for me. I just wanted to sit down and let
the fire take me. Both the smoke and heat, pain and fear wanted it all
to end here.
Yoongi – 2 May (Smeraldo Books)
The sheet caught fire and instantly flared up. My last sight of
this world was this dirty, isolated room, the red-hot flames and rolling
heat and Jungkook’s twisted face.
Jungkook - 2 May (LY: Tear)
I lifted my eyes to find Namjoon Hyung in front of the

container. He opened the door and went inside and collected the
bundles of clothing on the floor, piling them on himself like a
50
blanket. The door closed. It was cold. I started to shake. I wanted to
cry. So badly. But I wasn't strong enough to even do that.
I went to the door and opened it, revealing Yoongi Hyung
standing on top of a bed, the train of the sheet in flames. Fury
swallowed me whole as I took in the sight before me. I'm not the kind
of person to speak well when in trying emotional circumstances such
as this one. Showing my emotions and coming across as persuasive
were both awkward for me. Tears began to form in my eyes as I
coughed. The room was filled with smoke. The sheet was now
consumed by the fire. It had become extremely hard to speak. Finally,
words passed my lips in a shout as I ran through the flames to
Yoongi: "You said we'd all go to the sea together!"
----------
"Hey, are you having a nightmare or something?" Namjoon was
shaking my shoulder roughly as I opened my eyes. "Why are you like
this?"
Relief washed over me. Hyung put a hand on my shoulder,
squeezing gently. "Jungkook-ah, you have a fever."
As soon as he'd mentioned it, I noticed my mouth was
abnormally hot. Besides my mouth, everything else felt extremely
cold. My throat hurt and my head throbbed with an intense headache.
"Get some more sleep and we'll talk later," Namjoon Hyung
assured me as he gave me medicine to ease the effects. I could barely
swallow the medicine he gave me. Before he left, I forced myself to
speak, my throat's pain intensifying as my head throbbed louder in
my ears.
"Will I ever be able to become a proper adult like you, Hyung?"
Namjoon only turned back to face me, giving me no other
answer but silence.
Seokjin – 2 May (Smeraldo Books)
51
Would I be able to straighten out the errors and mistakes and
save the others? I didn’t grasp the depth and weight of this question.
Yoongi – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)
They told me the scar would take some time to fade. It would
eventually heal through recovery. But there was a very limited chance
of that happening. If I kept receiving treatment, I'd improve for sure.
The doctor removed the gauze from my arm on the third day of
my hospitalization. I saw the dark, red flesh of my left arm: the result
of the fire. It was so dark...almost black. I couldn't believe that my
body looked like this now. I felt like I was in someone else's body. It
was a little unreal.
When I dropped that lighter, I'd expected something worse than
a severe burn. I'd been ready for more than a little pain. I'd been ready
for death. It was a little contradicting: having wanted to end my life
but escaping death through a scar like this... He changed the dressing.
"This will hurt a little," he warned me as he removed the
dressing completely. Blood began to seep from the wound. The
blood-soaked gauze reminded me of how brightly the flames burned.
They roared around me, ready to swallow me whole. I tried to keep
quiet as he tended to the wound. I really couldn't help groaning from
the pain.
"The blood's a good sign. It shows there's new skin growing
underneath this wound."
I couldn't help but laugh through the pain. Why was it that new
things only came my day after death? What would it have been like if
I'd actually died? Could that have been the only day to start a
completely new life? I looked down at my arm again. Blood started to
darken the gauze again. I called this blood-stained gauze a flame. The
doctor called it regeneration. I wonder whose perspective was right.
Hoseok – 10 May (Smeraldo Books)
52
My narcolepsy occurred anytime, anywhere. I always ended up
having dreams about mom when I blacked out. The dreams were all
alike. I was heading somewhere with mom on a bus.
I was walking along the bridge. My eyes were struggling to stay

open due to the sun's glare. Why was I even here again? Dizziness. I
can't see. Is my vision blurry? Why are my legs so weak? Am I
collapsing? I can hear cars hooting. I hated that sound. It was too
loud. The black water swirled on my other side, flowing with a
threateningly strong current beneath the bridge.
——————————————————
The kind lady at the orphanage was probably the first to ever
offer me some sort of comfort after my mother abandoned me. I'd
woken up with a fever, and she was right beside me. My friend had
been adopted, so my bed was empty. She filled that space for me that
night.
When I woke up in the hospital after a narcoleptic induced
seizure she was there. When I graduated elementary school, when I
graduated high school she was there. She was always there for me.
But she got sick and someone else from the orphanage had
phoned me to tell me so. I'd tried to get there as soon as possible. I
can't even remember how I got there. But I remember her home, her
face through the window. She'd been talking to someone. She was
laughing, telling them about how she'd need surgery. To me, I could
see through her. I knew she was lying. She wasn't happy about her
situation. She was scared. She was hurting. But she kept her smile.
She didn't want others to pity her.
53
We almost made eye contact. But I quickly hid away. I would
cry if I looked at her properly, I just knew it. I knew I'd resent her, in
a way, as well.
"You're leaving me too?"
I'd ask her someone terrible like that. She didn't deserve that. I
left without looking back.
—————————————————
A bus drove past me, hitting me with a gust of air.

"Mom," I muttered weakly.
We'd ridden a bus just like that one the day she'd left me. Why
did I have to lose mom? Lose that wonderful lady who'd been my
mother at the orphanage? Why did I have to lose those who were
precious to me? And that's when I collapsed. Right at that moment,
on that bridge, everything became too much. And the world collapsed
around me, in a squeal of tires on the tarmac and in a flash of
sunlight. The last thing I felt was my body hitting the ground. Then
nothing.
Hoseok – 12 May (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
I opened the emergency exit door and leapt down the stairs. My
heart beat so fast I feared it was about to burst. The face I saw in the
hospital hallway was obviously a mother.
When I turned around, the elevator door opened and people
walked out. Desperately pushing past people, I saw my mother go
through the emergency exit. I ran down two stairs at a time, in a
frustrated state of mind. I went down several floors without resting.
"Mom!"
My mom stopped. I took one more step. She turned around. I
went down a step further. My mother's face began to be seen. It was
then that I stumbled and my heel slipped off the stairs. I closed my
54
eyes to the thought of going down in the future. Someone caught my
arm. Thanks to that, I was able to regain my balance.
I looked back and saw a surprised face. I turned my head again
without a moment to say thank you. I saw the woman I thought was
my mother. She wore a surprised expression on her face. The young
boy next to me, Jimin, blinked his big eyes and looked at me. I stood
on the stairs avoiding looking at the woman's face. She wasn't my
mother... She was Jimin's mother.
Hoseok – 12 May (Part 2) (LY: Answer)
I don't remember what Jimin did next... I did not ask how Jimin
appeared just in time to catch me before I fell. My mind was too busy
trying to make sense of what had happened to wonder about the
details. She was not my mother. Maybe I knew it from the start.
More than 10 years have passed since I was left alone in the
amusement park. My mother would have been older and would be
different from my memory. I will not recognize her now even if I met
her. No, I almost looked back at Jimin's mother's face now. Jimin was
following her silently.
When I was in high school, Jimin stayed at the hospital after he
left the emergency room. When I asked him if he wanted to go out, he
did not know what to do. He might have been too caught up in his
own memories. I got close to Jimin. I grew up with him. He was so
much like me...
Jimin – 15 May (LY: Answer)
When I opened my eyes, I saw Hoseok standing above me. I

looked up at the familiar ceiling in the darkness. I sat up and placed
my index finger roughly onto his lips. Everyone was sleeping around
us. It was quiet. Hyung put on his t-shirt. I then pointed outside the
room with a finger.
55
-
Namjoon Hyung looked at the net, and Yoongi had
said that he was holding time for the nurse. He said that he would join
the elevator after a while. At first, I could not understand what I was
talking about.
The day I left the hospital, I had a dream. I wanted to go out of
the hospital and meet with my friends and spend time laughing and
chatting like we all used to. But now I do not know. Is it a good thing
to get out of this place? My parents treat me like they want to hide me
in here. They are people who say I have a mental illness. Hoseok
Hyung might think so too. In the depths of my heart, I might have
thought that it was hard to get along with a strange guy. I do not have
time to think. I was suspicious because of the knocking we heard on
the door... The knocking was fast.
"Tuk-tuk tuk-tuk"
Hyung and I looked at the door at the same time and looked at
each other. His hand remained on my arm.
Jimin – 15 May (Smeraldo Books)
“Run, Jimin.” We all started running. I was caught up in the

excitement and ran with them. The snacks and plastic soda bottles
flew into the air.
Jimin – 16 May (LY: Answer)
The stone house was in a very high area. Walking for a long
time on the main street, winding down a narrow alley, I spotted the
roof of Hoseok Hyung's house. I went into one of the rooms with
Hoseok.
"You can see where we grew up from here," Hoseok said as we
sat on the rooftop.
56
In the distance, we could see the train station and the containers
along the railway tracks. Namjoon Hyung was living in one of the
containers, if we looked a little further into the distance we would
find the school that we used to go to. I looked up at the school, turned
my head and looked at the other side of the city. There were large
apartment complexes along the mountains. It was our home, not our
parents' house. I ran away from the hospital without saying anything.
I would have contacted my parents saying:
"You may be looking for me by now."
I was not confident to face my parents yet. I left the hospital but
could not go home. I never wanted to go back to the hospital, but
there was no place to go and I had no money. I stood up and walked
ahead with Hoseok Hyung.
"Don't follow me," Hoseok said. "I'm going to Hyung's place."
I opened my eyes and looked at the apartment complex again.
One day I had to go there. I had to tell my parents that I would not go
back to the hospital. The thought alone seemed to cause seizures. In
fact, I could not believe myself if I could endure well in places other
than hospitals. I can go back to the hospital again. But I was
unbearably afraid.
Jimin - 19 May (LY: Tear)
I had no choice but to go back to the arboretum. I had to stop

pretending that I didn't remember what had happened there. Hiding
out in the hospital. Having seizures. I had to stop.
To stop I'd have to go back to that place. My heart was set on
going back. But every time I went I never had the strength to step
onto the bus. But today was the day. I was finally going back.
-
Yoongi dropped down into the seat next to me on the bus. I'd
already stood at the bus stop, watching three buses stop and leave,
before finally climbing on.
57
"Why did you come?" I asked, my head bowed. I tapped my
shoe against the ground.
"I had nothing else to do. Was bored 'suppose," he shrugged.
"Hey. Why are you sitting like that, looking so sorry for yourself?"
I had no courage. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to pretend like
everything was okay. I wanted to pretend I knew something now. I
wanted to pretend that I could deal with such heavy things now. But I
was afraid. I was afraid of what I'd run into. Whether I'd be able to
cope with it. Whether I'd have another seizure or not. I was afraid of
all this, and I couldn't do anything about it.
Yoongi Hyung looked as if he didn't have a care in the world.
As we sat next to each other for the whole bus ride, he commented on
the weather and other small things, attempting to strike up a
conversation with more substance.
The weather was really good today. I was too anxious to notice
it before Yoongi Hyung had mentioned it. The Sky was so blue. A
warm breeze accompanied the sight of the arboretum's entrance. The
bus came to a stop and the door opened and the driver looked at me
expectantly. Impulsively I asked, "Hyung, can you come with me?"
Hoseok - 20 May (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
Picking up Taehyung, the two of us left the police station.

"You did well," I said in a spirited voice, my head lowered. I
spoke happily, yet I felt far from happy. Taehyung's house wasn't
such a long drive from the police station. If Taehyung lived further
away from the station, there'd definitely be fewer reasons for
Taehyung going to the police so often.
Why did they, as his parents, decide to live so close to the police
station? Taehyung could be too kind sometimes. So kind that he'd
become an idiot. The world was too unfair for him.
"Are you hungry?" I asked, putting an arm around his shoulder.
I pretended like nothing was wrong. Taehyung shook his head.
58
"Did the Hyungs at the police station say it was good to see you
again?" I asked. "Did they buy you food?"
Taehyung didn't answer.
-
We walked into the warm sunshine together. It wasn't warm
enough to calm the cold wind in my heart. Taehyung was feeling
much worse than me though, so I couldn't even imagine how he felt if
my heart was only heavy.
Would any of his heart be left? How much pain was his heart
baring? As I thought this, I couldn't face Taehyung. Instead, I looked
up to the sky. Through the bright sunlight, a plane flew by.
Hoseok - 20 May (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
The first time I saw the scars on Taehyung's back was when I
met him at Namjoon's container hideout. Taehyung left everyone
speechless with his cute smile as he put on his new shirt.
A part of my heart broke at how happy he was over such a small
insignificant thing we took for granted. I had no parents. I couldn't
remember my mother or father. I only knew my mother up to the age
of seven. When we spoke about the pain our parents had inflicted and
caused in our childhoods, I had received enough for my lifetime.
People say you have to overcome pain, accept what happened
and get used to it. You have to reconcile and forgive them. That it's
the only way to live and move on. It's not like I don't know this. It's
definitely not that I refuse to forgive them out of hatred. Some things
can't be done by just trying.
Nobody has told me how to forgive and move on. Before the
world hardened me as I am today, it gave me fresh wounds. I hope
there aren't any parole that hasn't gotten any emotional wounds yet.
They can teach you how to persevere. But why such deep wounds?
Why is it necessary? Why do we have to live like this?
-
59
Taehyung finally spoke as we reached the crossroads: "It’s
okay, Hyung. I can go alone from here."
"I know," I answered, taking the lead.
"It's seriously okay. Look. I'm fine!" Taehyung smiled.
I didn't respond. There was no way he'd be alright so quickly.
He's really not okay. But I guess if he doesn't acknowledge he isn't
alright then he will be alright. He's ignoring it. It's become a habit.
Taehyung flipped his hoodie off his head and caught up, following
me.
"You're really not hungry?" I asked him as we reached his
house. Taehyung grinned dumbly and nodded. I watched him walk
through his home's corridor, his back turned to face me. I turned the
key back on him soon after. The corridor of his home and the road I
was now walking were both narrow and desolate. We were both
alone. I was just about to turn around to see Taehyung once more
when my phone rang.
Taehyung - 20 May (LY: Tear)
I cast my gaze down to my hands. They were wet. They were

covered in blood. My legs threatened to give out on me. But someone
hugged me tightly from behind, holding me upright. A foggy stream
of sunlight filtered through the window. Nona was crying. Hoseok
stood in the corner, silent. Blankets, cleaning products. The usual
household things were lying around the room.
My father had stood in front of me moments before. But where
was he now? I couldn't remember how he'd managed to escape the
room without me noticing. I'd charged at my father no long ago. The
anger, pain and sadness I'd felt then were still with me now, weighing
me down.
I don't know what had possessed me enough to give me the
willingness to charge towards my father. To stab him even. My heart
refused to calm down. I didn't want to kill my father. I wanted to kill
60
myself. If I was strong enough to, that is. Then I'd already have done
it by now.
I couldn't do anything. I wanted to cry. To scream. To break
things. To kick things. To break my spirit. But I couldn't do it. I had
no more tears to shed for my father. In contrast to my turbulent heart,
my voice came out hollow and strangely calm. "Hyung. I'm sorry. I'm
okay. So... Go. Please."
My voice was no longer my own. I had now become a different
person. Hyung left unwillingly, leaving me to stare down at my
bloodied hands. Blood had begun to seep through the white bandage.
I never hit my father. Instead, I'd thrown a liquor bottle to the
ground. The bottle shattered. My palm was ripped open. I closed my
eyes and tried to breathe deeply. But the world continued to spin
around me. What was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to
do? How was I supposed to live?
I opened my eyes. I attempted to come to my senses. I dialled
Namjoon Hyung’s phone number. I was desperate for his support. I
needed him here. I wanted to tell him what I was about to do. That I
was going to kill the man that had borne me. The man that had beaten
me up daily. The father that I was about to kill. That I was seriously
going to murder. But. No. I'd already killed him. In my heart.
Countless times. Over and over and over and over again.
I wanted to kill him. But I also wanted to die. What I'm doing
now...I haven't done it before. I don't know how to kill. How to do
anything. Hyung, I need you now. I need your help.
Taehyung - 20 May (Smeraldo Books)
I wanted to kill myself instead of Dad. If I could, I wanted to

drop dead right then and there.
61
Namjoon - 22 May (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
"We're only a year apart. No, apparently someone said so. I'm
the Hyung, I know, but they can't be young forever. Isn't it time that
they deal with it by themselves? Fine. It's fine. No, I'm not angry. I'm
sorry."
I hung up the phone and looked around. The sea breeze was
lukewarm as it passed by and shook the pine forest behind me. My
heart felt like it was going to explode. I looked down at the ground. A
small little colony of ants lined up behind each other. They all seemed
to be going in the same direction together. Maybe if someone could
understand me physically and symbolically they'd be able to predict
where I was going? And why I'd choose that path? It's not that I don't
love my parents, don't care for my sibling, and don’t worry about
them. But if I could, I'd ignore them. Because I'd have no way to help
them. I can only be myself.
Getting angry, frustrated and yearning to leave wouldn't do me
well then anyways, right? Someone stood in the distance. Their back
was turned to me. They seemed to be in quite a foul mood with the
way they were standing. They looked much like me, actually. It was
Jungkook.
Namjoon - 22 May (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
"I want to be an adult like you, Hyung," I remember Jungkook

saying this. I didn't know how to respond. I'm not such a good adult.
No. I'm not even an adult.
Back then in that moment, it seemed too harsh to say that. I had
to keep Jungkook's trust. I couldn't tell him that even though he grew
a bit taller, older and lived a bit more that they weren't an adult really.
I wished his future would be much brighter and kinder than mine. For
such a good friend, he hadn't received affection growing up. I couldn't
promise him I'd tell him to have a better future, despite how much I
62
wanted that for him. And so I walked up to Jungkook and put my arm
around his shoulder. He looked up at me.
Taehyung - 22 May (Part 1) (LY: Her)
I received a call from Namjoon as I walked down the sidewalk,

past a large park filled with luscious green trees. Namjoon had been
calling me a lot recently. I slowed down and walked away from all
the people around me to talk in a quiet area, I sit down against a wall,
facing the sea, answering the phone.
"Why are you calling me Hyung? You're older than me so you
should take care of it yourself. I should not be responsible for the
things you don't get round to doing."
Taehyung - 22 May (Part 2) (LY: Her)
A cold shiver crawled up my spine. Everything in my world has

seemed to have collapsed... I feel like I'm struggling deep under the
ocean's surface, cold and scared. I'm lonely and angry. I feel like I can
no longer tolerate these feelings. I want to stop this pain. I want to hit
my father. But I'm too scared to do it...I don't want to be like him. I
don't want to be violent like him, even though his blood runs through
my veins...but I can't help but feel a surge of confidence bloom in my
chest as if I am waiting for the right moment to get back at him. And
just maybe...I will someday...
Taehyung – 22 May (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
"Hyung. Is that all? You aren't hiding anything else from us, are
you?" We all fell into silence. Everyone looked at me. I stared
straight at Seokjin Hyung. Hyung stared back at me. There was
something there in his haze: tiredness, embarrassment, and regret. As
soon as I tried to ask again Seokjin Hyung again, someone caught my
63
arm and stopped me. I didn't have to look back to know that it was
Namjoon Hyung.
"What does it have to do with you? You're not even my real
brother."
Taehyung – 22 May (Part 2) (LY: Answer)
I felt Namjoon Hyung's gaze on me. I did not turn my head. I

shook off his hand. I knew I was getting angry with Namjoon's. I was
angry at Hyung because of the words he’d said to someone over the
phone.
Hyung did not say a word. I was only a year younger than him. I
was not even his real brother. I was right about what l had to do. I
was even angrier because I had nothing to say. I wanted to know how
to feel.
"Taehyung I'm sorry. Let's stop talking about this here," Seokjin
said.
"Taehyung," Seokjin called me. Namjoon didn't say anything.
"Let's do it while we're talking, Hyung. You're hiding something
from us," I said again.
"Let's go outside and talk."
Namjoon grabbed my arm again. He held on tighter this time so
I was unable to shove his hand away from this time.
"Hyung, you have no right to stop me. What do you know? You
do not know anything Hyung. You think you're someone great, don't
you?"
Taehyung - May 22 (Part 3) (LY: Answer)
He let go of my arm. I stumbled, not expecting him to let go of

me so quickly. At that moment I felt as if everything I'd once known
was now a lie. I felt as if all the support I'd once had was now falling
apart. Maybe I wanted Namjoon to carry on dragging me, holding
64
onto my arm. We could've gotten angry like real brothers. I wanted to
be scolded more. Maybe then it would've felt like Hyung still cared
for me. But he let go. So I laughed.
"What was so wonderful about us being together anyways?
What are we all when we're together? We're all alone in the end, after
all."
After that moment. After what I'd said. After that. That was the
moment Seokjin Hyung hit me.
Taehyung – May 22 (Smeraldo Books)
It was like the last scene in my dream. The only difference was
that Seokjin was up there instead of me.
Jungkook – 22 May (Kick Start Note)
I was lightheaded. I struggled to stay upright. My body was

numb. Heavy. My eyelids were too heavy to open, my mouth unable
to move. I couldn't swallow. Couldn't breathe. I started losing my
conscious and everything around me started fading. My body was in
shock. I was shaking. Where did this pain and thirst come from? Was
there sand across my eyes or was I blinded by something else?
Something big and light appeared in the distance. It was unclear.
The haze moved away and suddenly, the realization shocked me
even more. It was a moon. My head might've been tilted backwards,
maybe not. Either way, the whole world seemed to be upside down.
I tried to cough. Nothing. I tried to move. Still nothing. Then the
cold came. I was so scared. I desperately tried to speak, but nothing
came. My vision started to fail me as darkness crept through the
corners of my eyes. As I lost consciousness a voice, cold, started to
speak.
"To live will be even more painful than dying."
65
Jungkook – May 22 – (Smeraldo Books)
At some point, we were all running along the coastal road. I was
out of breath, sweaty and had a splitting headache.
But I didn’t stop. Because they continued.
Jungkook – May 22 – (Smeraldo Books)
I didn’t tell anyone, but I felt on that long-ago day that I had
finally found a real family. Real brothers.
We didn't keep in touch much after our trip to the ocean. We

didn't have a reason to talk to each other, really. Seokjin and
Taehyung fought. Jungkook just left. But I don't think that's the
reason we stopped talking to each other. What was our problem?
Even though I was confused as to why we didn't talk anymore, I
never reached out to talk to anyone. Because there wasn't a definite
reason as to why we'd stopped talking, that seemed to be the reason in
itself.
Whenever I think back to that day, I remember the wind and the
sand it carried with it. Seokjin climbed that platform, Taehyung
following him. We'd all watched them. I felt like they'd done that
already a long time ago. Deja vu? I think so. I felt uneasy. And Jimin
asked me a strange question: "Doesn't this place look familiar? With
that rock and the ability to grant wishes? You remember right?"
I didn't answer him. I'd looked around. That was when the Deja
Vu really settled in. And then the wind picked up. It looked as if
Taehyung and Seokjin were going to fall from the strong bouts of
wind. Sand got in our eyes, so I was left feeling scared and anxious
while covering my eyes. I was so, so scared. I scared for Seokjin.
66
And scared for Taehyung. And I couldn't even keep my eyes open to
see if they were okay.
The wind eventually calmed down enough. Seokjin was
climbing down, keeping his gaze on Taehyung, who stood on the
platform with his head bowed. Seokjin walked past us without a word
and got into his car. He drove away without even saying goodbye.
Even if I'd tried to talk to him, there wasn't anything I could do
for him. That night we travelled back to SongJu. Seokjin left us
stranded since he took the car. We didn't even have a place to stay.
Namjoon was the first to say we should go home. Everyone was
quite disappointed. We wanted to stay at the beach, I think. But
Namjoon finally got us to start walking. And so our vacation ended.
The expectations we'd built on this holiday crumbled like sand
between our fingers as we walked home, becoming a disaster.
Jimin – May 29 (MOTS: Persona)
I remember sitting in class. The sun hit the desk up front in a

thin little beam, heating the wood. A teacher spoke in from of the
class. I couldn't really hear them. I was sitting right at the back.
I wasn't paying much attention and instead, I played with the
sunlight shining onto my fingers. My mom thought everything would
be fine after going to the hospital. She wanted me to get a diploma,
go study at a GED academy. But I couldn't do that. I hadn't gotten
better grades. I had no aspirations in life. The academy hasn't
responded to my letters. There was nothing I could do. I didn't want
to study at an academy. Studying wasted my time. It was a burden to
me. I didn't want to be around strangers. What if someone recognized
me? What if they asked me why I hadn't been able to graduate high
school? I was scared. I didn't want to remember high school. I didn't
want to dig up old memories. They'd only hurt me more.
Hoseok - 31 May (LY: Her)
67
My breath suddenly caught in my throat as I avoided my gaze in
the mirror. After dancing for a long time, my breath was uneven from
the exertion. In some ways, I thought I resembled my mother quite a
lot in appearance when I looked at my reflection long enough. No,
that wasn't a though that should have even been thought about, or
even depicted.
I haven't been able to look into the eyes of a friend I've known
for decades; learning to dance together, get frustrated and fail with
and get empowered. He threw me a towel jokingly, as I lay on the
floor sweating. I felt a new feeling I had never felt before and got up
from the floor hurriedly, turning the corner and leaning against the
wall. I tried to even still my breathing when I heard a voice calling
out to me, "Hoseok-ah, where are you going?"
"Hoseok-ah," the voice called again.
Now that I finally heard his voice, for the first time, I
recognized it as the same one I'd had at the age of seven.
June
Seokjin – June 4 (MOTS: Persona)
When I entered my father's library, there was a picture that

stood out. It was impressive. Rafts battled over monstrous waves. The
men fought with the sea, having to drink, no food, no compass, and
no hope. Thirst, hunger, hatred and fear was evident in the picture.
Their desire to kill each other out at sea was much what would lead to
their own destruction.
As a child, I was scared of that painting and didn't go to the
library unless I really desperately needed to. I wondered why my
father would even hang up such a picture. However, as time passed,
the painting was gradually recognized as part of the library, and
neither was the painting an object of fear or worry.
68
Instead, I developed a different fear. Inside my father's study,
there was another room. It wasn't anything special. The room was
under lock and key. It was simply an extension of my father's study.
If there was anything special about it, it would be that there were a lot
of books inside. The shelves were stuffed with as many books as they
could hold, many from when my father was in school. I called it the
'interior room'.
My father went into the interior room regularly when he needed
to clear his thoughts or come up with new ideas. Other than him, no
one else went inside.
I'd only been inside the room once. But I was really young. I
had known that it wasn't simply just a study full of books. At first, the
books seemed to be placed on the shelves at random. Boxes and
documents were carelessly stacked on top of each other. It was
human enough, the way everything had been placed. The books and
their yellowed pages never brought me any warmth, the paintings and
photographs never stirring my emotions. Just by standing in the
middle of the room looking up at the bookshelves, I felt nothing but
intimidation run through my body, breaking me down.
I can't remember any commotion after him having found me in
that room, though there might've been one that I might've forgotten
about. But from that day onwards, I never went back into the room.
Once or twice I may have been daring enough to stand outside the
door. But I only spared it a glance worth a second. I never thought
about reaching out to turn the doorknob. Not even once.
Yoongi - 8 June (LY: Her)
I took off my shirt again, frustrated. The shirt wasn't like me at

all. The red colour, DREAM written on the front, nor the tight fit
suited me. Annoyed by my frustration and struggle over the shirt, I
took out a cigarette. I reached for the lighter in my jeans pocket but
quickly realized that it was in my bag.
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With the red shirt still in hand, I dug out the lighter, grabbing a
lollipop as well. I threw the red shirt and the lollipop over my
shoulder.
Now content with a cigarette and a throbbing head as I sat at my
desk, a text came through on my phone. As soon as I saw the letters
of the name on the screen, my heart dropped. I rechecked the message
to make sure I was actually reading it right, breaking my cigarette in
half. The next moment, I knew I was smiling in front of the mirror,
smiling and laughing at my silly reflection wearing the red shirt.
The countryside town hadn't changed the slightest. The season

had changed, but besides that, the town has remained unchanged. I
headed uphill to the rest stop to avoid the shops. It was really hot.
A scooter raced past us, leaving a cloud of dust in its wake.
Taehyung complained to himself as he coughed. A little way ahead I
spotted the place where the accident had happened all those years
ago, just around the bend.
There were no signs left on the wayside after all those years.
Taehyung dropped to his knees, his eyes fixed on the asphalt. I told
Taehyung about what had happened in this small town. I told him
about the Riverside Restaurant's competition. I told him about the
snow. About the accident. About how I'd almost slipped and met the
same fate as Taehyung. I told him about how easily the whole thing
had been forgotten. It was absurd really. I told him about all those
memories of shared with that friend called "Taehyung".
"Hyung, let's never die."
Taehyung was looking up at me, his palms set firmly on the
asphalt. I didn't know what to say. It seemed as if "Taehyung" was
beneath Taehyung's hands on the road. As if "Taehyung" was still
resting on the white lines.
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No one on this earth would ever have wanted to die the way that
he had. He died alone. And no one cared or mourned for him. I
couldn't say anything though because I hadn't done any of that either.
"Let's go," I finally said.
"Where are we going now?" Taehyung asked, picking himself
up.
"When we went to the beach you said you wanted to ask me
something, right? Why don't we talk about it? Whatever you're
struggling with, whatever you wanted to talk about, let's try and sort it
out together."
Yoongi – June 13 (MOTS: 7)
I lay sprawled out on the floor of my apartment, remembering

what Jungkook had told me.
"It's because I like your music, Hyung. Listening to you play the
piano makes me want to cry. Every day is so hard for me to get
through. I think of ending it all every single day. But you know what?
Every time I hear you play. Every time I hear your music, I want to
live. I want to keep on going. I'm telling you now, your music is like
my heart. Your music is like a pacemaker that keeps my heart
beating."
Jungkook – June 13 (MOTS: 7)
I saw myself lying in my bed, in the hospital. I looked like I was

dreaming...it didn't look like I was having a good dream. It was
probably a nightmare. Then my other Self woke up. We stared at each
other. At that moment I realized my other self in the bed had had a
nightmare. They'd dreamt of the accident again. When we met eyes I
felt myself fall away.
I was in bed now, in the hospital. My other self was still above
me. We switched like that for a while. It felt as if we were merging
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somehow. Two parallels of myself were colliding. At a fast rate. I
woke up screaming. I felt sick. My breath was short and I was
sweating. My mother called the doctor in to check if I was alright. He
said I was alright. Just a few fractures and bruising. Almost no
blessing. I was recovering quickly. There was no need to be worried.
I'd been lucky to survive the accident. Then I remembered something.
Living will be more painful than dying. Are you alright with
that?
I looked up at the doctor. It was time that I ask him what I
needed to.
"Who was it that hit me in that accident, doctor?"
Yoongi - 15 June (LY: Tear)
The ringing noise of music in my head was the only thing I

could recognize. How much I'd drank. Where I was. What I was
doing. I didn't even want to know. It wasn't important. I stumbled
outside into the dark. It was nighttime. I swayed unsteadily on my
feet. I crashed into whatever I could to stay on my feet, whether it be
a wall, kiosk or passerby. Despite the bustling, noisy night life, I
could still remember Jimin's words clearly: "Hyung. Jungkook-"
Running up hospital stairs. A hospital corridor. The corridor was
long and dark. Passerby's in hospital gowns. My heart pounded.
Everyone was so pale. So expressionless. They were like the dead.
My breath came out raggedly. A hospital door left ajar. Jungkook
lying in a bed. I couldn't bear to look at him. I looked away.
Another memory came to mind. The sound of a piano. Fire. A
building collapsing. I wrapped my arms around my head. I slid down
a wall onto the ground. This all happened because of me. If only I
didn't exist. If only you didn't exist.
My mom's voice. My voice. Someone else's voice. If only I
didn't exist. The words made my heart ache. I didn't want to believe
those words.
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But Jungkook was lying there in the hospital. He was lying there
while people who looked half-dead were walking around. He didn't
belong there. I didn't want to go in to see him. I could bear to look at
him.
I stood up on unsteady feet. I swayed a little as I gained my
balance. As I went back, tears built up in my eyes. Funny though. I
couldn't remember the last time I'd cried.
As I attempted to cross the road, someone grabbed my arm.
Who was it? I didn't bother to find out. Don't come near me. Go. I
don't want to hurt you too. I don't want to get hurt either. So please,
don't come closer.
I noticed a kid near me eating ramyeon hurriedly. He could've

been eight or ten years old. He looked up at me every now and then
as he quickly ate the rice and noodles.
"What's your name?" I asked him.
"WooChang, Song WooChang," he answered, accidentally
spilling broth on his already dirty T-shirt. He wiped at it with his
fingers.
"Mom's going to be so mad," he muttered to himself.
The first time I met WooChang was about two months ago when
I was on my way back home from the gas station. He was standing in
front of the container behind mine. I thought he'd just walked by as a
shortcut to get out of SongJu station. This place wasn't right for a kid
to live in. A few weeks later I saw him kicking an old soccer ball in
the empty lot next to the containers. He was alone.
I ran into him several times after that. He was always wandering
around by himself. He wore the same clothes. I concluded that there
was no adult or parent figure present in his life to care for him. I
couldn't do anything about that, though. I was too busy trying to look
73
after myself. Whenever I walked past him, I pretended to not
recognize him.
When I left the gas station at eleven that night, looking for my
key in my pocket, I saw a shadow crouching a little way away. It was
WooChang. I really could have ignored him like I always did. I could
have found my key and gone inside the container like I always did
and closed the door behind me and make ramyeon for myself before
going to sleep.
I couldn't bring myself to do that today. I didn't want to either. I
lifted my eyes to the sky. It'd been overcast the whole day. The night
sky was still full of grey clouds. There was not even one star in sight.
I had only one ramyeon left. I didn't have enough energy to go buy
more to stock up on. That was how I lived. I looked down at the key
in my hands. I remembered the countryside I'd seen as I'd left that
town. I remember the words I'd written on the bus window. With that
in mind, I found the courage to approach WooChang.
Yoongi – June 23 (MOTS: Persona)

I opened my phone the minute I noticed all the notifications in
our chat room. It was already dark outside. It wasn't the easiest task:
sorting out all the lyrics I'd scribbled down into one song. I sorted
through the ones that had survived the fire. I could still remember
their melodies like it was yesterday.
Most songs I had in that pile had been written in that storage
room in high school. Looking back, I hadn't written that much. Even
today, I was still running away from music.
I opened the chat room, surprised by how many messages there
were. Jimin was the one who'd made the chat room. They'd started
talking before I'd been invited. As I read the messages, thrown into
the middle of a conversation, Taehyung texted.
Taehyung: do you guys know what the map of the soul is?
Hoseok texted back.
Hoseok: what's that?
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Taehyung: Hyung, if I knew why would I ask?
Hoseok: good point. Then why are you asking?
They kept texting back and forth for a while until Jimin
responded and explained the whole story.
Jimin: I went to the hospital and ran into Seokjin Hyung on my
way back. He told me he was looking for the map of the soul.
A while later Namjoon joined as well.
Namjoon: Seokjin asked me that too. A while back he asked me
if I knew what the map of the soul is. He said it'd be the only way to
end all of this.
No one responded to that. We were all probably lost in thought.
What did Seokjin need to end? We all knew Seokjin had started
acting a little strange lately. Would he be okay once he found this
'map of the soul'? What was it? And how could we find it? Everyone
started talking again later on. Someone texted asking why Jungkook
wasn't invited to the chat room. Jimin's response was a little vague
and unsure.
Jimin: I wanted to invite him, but he's still hurt.
I wondered why Jimin had gone to the hospital. I wondered how
he felt, going back to that place after he'd been trapped there for so
many years before. I'd already closed the chat. I quickly opened it
again and sent a quick text.
Yoongi: it's okay. You did well. We'll let Jungkook rest a little
while longer.
Taehyung - 25 June (LY: Her)
I purposefully slowed down after I heard the girl behind me.

This was the third time we'd met at the convenience store. The
strange thing was, every time I turned to catch a glimpse of her, she
would run away as soon as she noticed I'd spotted her. She thought
she hid well this time around, but I could see her shadow as she
pressed her back against the side of the stores exterior.
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I laughed at her childishness and kept walking, pretending as if I
hadn't seen her. Soon, I turned down a narrow alley, the lights from
the road unseen. The light was shining from behind me, so I was able
to see my own shadow as well as the girl's as I proceeded down the
alley. I quickly stopped, and so did my shadow. It was a pity that the
poor girl didn't notice that I could see her shadow stop right beside
mine.
"I've been waiting so long for us to return to each other's sides
under such a strange coincidence..." I said, causing her shadow to
jump in fright. She held her breath and stayed still as if that would
help me forget she was there, or even doubt her existence.
"It's no use staying still now, I could see your shadow a while
ago already," I said, smirking as I pointed to her shadow. Slowly she
started to walk towards me with heavy steps. I smiled and looked at
her, glad to have finally met the shadow.
Namjoon - 30 June (LY: Her)
I looked at my hand with a little wonder as my fingers pressed

the open button of the elevator. It was as if my hand had its own will.
This specific moment made me feel as if I'd been repeating it
countless times....and I'd only noticed it now.
The elevator door was about to close as I'd pressed the button,
so it jerked to a stop and began to open again.
People began to go in, but I didn't, noticing a girl tying her hair with a
yellow hair band.
If she knew people were wanting to come inside the lift, why
didn't she press the button to open the doors for them? I thought. I
then concluded that it was simply because she'd been tying her hair.
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As I stepped back from the door, the last thing that caught my eye
was her yellow hair band...
People’s backgrounds can explain a lot about a person compared
to how you see them when you don't know them. I am aware of only
a few people’s backgrounds, but I can only just scratch the surface of
other people’s stories by guessing, but I can't fully understand them.
I used to think that if I tried to guess a person’s past accurately
enough and evaluate them without talking to them first, I'd be able to
have a conversation with them... But now I wonder...can people guess
my story easily enough or does it take them many hours of trial and
error?
The girl with the yellow hair band caught my eyes with hers as
the doors started to close fully. Since this happened often with her, I
avoided her gaze and averted my eyes, entertaining my vision with
the floor. As the elevator doors closed fully, I caught my
REFLECTION in them, realizing that I couldn't guess my own
backstory fully from first glance either.
July
Jimin - 3 July (LY: Her)
I lay on the floor after I'd turned off the music, hearing nothing
but my rapid heartbeat and my uneven breathing. A video of Hyung
dancing is playing on my phone. I wished my movements could be as
natural and precise as his but kept making mistakes when attempting
to align myself properly in the positions.
Hyung's take on the dance looks effortless because of the
countless hours of practising. It hasn't been such a long time after him
until I'd gotten the inspiration to try and do it myself since I was
envious of his good dancing. But because understanding something
versus just doing something when inspiration strikes are different...
I'd have to try so much harder.
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I got up again and repeated the steps as I glanced at the video
every now and then. Even though I may mess up the coordination, I
will work on them separately today, and I'll match them together
tomorrow. Instead of teasing compliments, I want to be seen as a
serious dance partner and receive proper acknowledgements.
Jimin - 4 July (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
I finally came to my senses as I washed my arm roughly under

the water. I felt as if I was scraping the skin from my arm with the
way I was rubbing so vigorously. My hands were shaking. My breath
was unsteady. I watched as the blood continued to run down my arm.
My eyes were bloodshot as the events that had taken place a few
moments earlier came back to me in small fragments.
-
In a matter of a few small seconds, my concentration broke. I
was practising the dance which I was to do paired with Noona that
my dance club had organized. Our movements became tangled and
we crashed into each other. I made a solid fall and my arm began to
bleed. At that moment that day at the flower arboretum came back to
me. I thought I'd overcome that day, but now that it'd come back, I
begged to differ... I had to run away. I had to cleanse myself. I had to
hide.
-
When I looked back at the small child in the mirror, all I saw
was the eight-year-old boy who'd run in the rain that day at the
arboretum. And then I realized, after running to care for my own
injury, that Noona had also been hurt.
Jimin - 4 July (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
When I came back from tending to my arm, no one was in the

practice room. Past the slightly opened door, we could see the rain
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pouring outside. I caught a quick glimpse of Hoseok Hyung running
in the rain. He was drenched. I ran to him with an umbrella, but I
stopped in my tracks. There was nothing I could do now. All I could
do was fall and get someone hurt. All I could do was hurt myself, and
others and only care about myself first. I slowly began to walk the
other way, raindrops splashing onto my sneakers. A car drove past,
the headlights lighting up the road before me. It wasn't okay. No, it
was okay. It didn't hurt. It wasn't even a wound. I really was okay.
Hoseok - 4 July (LY: Tear)
While they applied for emergency assistance, I walked into the

corridor. Even though it was already well into the evening, many
people were at the hospital, pacing up and down the corridors.
Water dripped from my hair and I was drenched in rainwater
and sweat. As I ruffled my hair between my fingers to try and get rid
of the water, I dropped the kid's bag. Coins, pens and tissues scattered
across the floor. Amid all the items was a plane ticket. I picked it up
and inspected it.
"Jung Hoseok?" The doctor called. I looked up, seeing the kid
walk out behind the doctor. "Your friend is alright. He has a slight
concussion. Besides that, he's quite alright."
"It hurts a little bit," he said, taking his bag from me.
He didn't fail to notice his plane ticket poking out the side of his
bag. I quickly turned the bag around as I gave it to him, ignoring his
gaze.
As we came to the entrance I noticed that rain was still pouring
down outside. We stood next to each other by the door, watching the
rain fall.
"Hoseok-ah," Jimin said as I started to leave.
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When I turned back to look at him, he seemed desperate to say
something.
"Wait for me and hold that thought. I'm going to quickly go and
buy an umbrella." I quickly went inside without another thought and
went to the small corner store to purchase one. I knew that recently
that kid, Jimin, had auditioned for an international dance team. He'd
ordered a plane ticket. He'd been accepted. I didn't want to hear what
he had to say. I didn't dare to cheer him on and congratulate him.
Namjoon - 13 July (Part 1) (LY: Tear)
I leant my head against the bus's frosty window, looking out at

the road I travelled daily. The library to the petrol station. Would
there ever be a day that I'd escape seeing the same roads every day?
It's impossible to judge tomorrow. Even to wish seems impossible. A
girl sat in front of me, a yellow hair tie holding her hair up in a
ponytail. Her shoulders lofted slightly, then dropped down into a
relaxed state.
She must've sighed. She put her head on the window. I'd seen
her for a month now, studying in the library then getting onto the
same bus as me every day. We'd never spoken to each other, but we'd
been to the same places, seen the same things, all in the same period.
We were sighing the same sigh.
And the hair tie was still in my pants pocket. The girl got off
three stops before me. She always did. I wondered whether she'd
hand out flyers again. I always wondered if she did. What sort of day
did she have? What job did she have? How much frustration would
she feel for the next day to come when she thought the day would
never end to bring her a tomorrow? What if tomorrow didn't exist? I
constantly think of such things. The bell was rung as passengers
signalled their stop. The girl should get off here. Three stops before
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me. But she was unmoving. She kept on leaning her head against the
window. And I wondered for a moment... Should I wake her up?
Namjoon - 13 July (Part 2) (LY: Tear)
The bus was coming to a stop while I battled between the

decision of waking her up or not. People got off, the doors closed and
the bus continued its routine. The girl didn't wake up between the
three stops before mine. As the bus reached my stop, I walked to the
exit, conflicted.
Once I got off the bus, no one would care if she slept through all
the bus's stops or not. She'd wake up alone and find out she's far away
from her stop. She'd have an even more tiring day getting back home.
Exiting the bus, I didn't dare look back. I made my way to the petrol
station.
The only way I'd left myself be okay, to make sure she was safe
was by placing the black hair tie I'd had in my pocket on her bag.
That wasn't the beginning of the end of our encounters really. There
wasn't meant to be anything between us though, and at the time I
thought it was nothing. So it had to be nothing, right?
Namjoon - 13 July (Smeraldo Books)
Several days ago, I’d been here and seen some graffiti. I’d
automatically looked around but Taehyung had been nowhere in
sight. I stared at the graffiti painted all over the wall for a while.
Jungkook - 16 July (LY: Her)
I stood in front of the window with my earphones in, singing a

little bit of the song under my breath. It took me a week to sing this
song without any lyrics. Right now, I only have one earphone in so I
81
can hear myself sing as well. I loved the lyrics of the song, but after
over practising the song, my words are shaky and tired.
The war, July sunshine is filtering through my windows, the
overwhelmingly bright trees waving in the wind. I closed my eyes as
I continued singing, smiling as the colours danced over my eyelids.
Was this feeling and colour from the light, or was it something else?
Was it love? Or was it just the song playing with my head? Whatever
it is, I love it. As I carried on singing, the butterflies tingled and
fluttered around in my stomach, making the sunlight playing on my
eyelids all the more brighter!
Taehyung - 17 July (LY: Tear)
My side felt as if it was going to split open from the pain. Sweat
dripped from my body. The hiding place. In the railway. Behind the
corner store. Underneath the overpass. I went to all those places, but I
couldn't find the kid. I ran to the bus stop and waited for the kid there,
but there was no one in sight. People looked my way warily. What
had happened?
We hadn't promised to meet today, but it was still strange the
kid hadn't pitched. She always pitched up somewhere and tailed me
around the place. I'd say she was annoying for following me, but it
was useless. Everywhere I'd been with the kid I looked, but with no
success.
I stopped walking as I came across the wall we'd done our first
graffiti artwork together on. A big red 'X' covered the art. It had no
style to speak of. A passerby would never be able to tell who has
drawn the 'X'. It was simple. Common. But I knew it was her. She
was the only one who'd do that. The art held certain stories, presented
as pictures superimposed on each other. Symbolic, you could say.
The way they laughed the day I lay on the railway and hurt my
head. The way they helped me after I fell. The expression their faces
held as I stood their bread to cease my hunger. The way their
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expressions grew dim as we passed family portrait stores. The way
their eyes followed students walking by.
"If things become hard, don't suffer in silence. Tell me." I'd said
this to her as we'd graffitied the wall.
The 'X' now cancelled all of our memories. It's as if that 'X'
proclaimed our experiences were now fake. It felt like they were
saying everything was a lie. I curled my hand into a tight fit of anger.
Why? There wouldn't be an answer for me this time, of course. I
walked away from the wall. From our memories. Form our lives. I
was now alone. She was alone. We were now both alone again.
Namjoon – July 18 (MOTS: 7)
I looked up at the building before me. It was in the City Centre.

Lights were still on here and there inside. There were a lot of signs
put up for lawyers and accountants. All the lights were on the top and
fifth floor.
Taehyung and I spent time looking at the top floors of buildings
this high in SongJu. We had no idea what we were looking for. All
we had as a clue was Taehyung's dream. The can of coffee. The four-
leaf clover.
And so we stayed up and went around looking at all these
buildings. It had rained for a few days and we'd kept our umbrellas
with us. After a while, we stopped using them and decided to just get
soaked by the rain.
Once we'd been mistaken for thugs while walking up and down
the stairway of a building, soaking wet. They'd chased us out. The
iron doors on the rooftops were usually locked, so it was difficult to
check from the stairs. I looked up at the building again. Will this be
what we're looking for? One of the offices in front of me read
"Assemblyman Kim ChangJun.
"Who's Kim ChangJun?" Taehyung asked.
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"You don't know him?" I gave him an incredulous look.
Taehyung looked at me blankly. I still couldn't believe what some
people didn't know. Taehyung was the kind of person to not hesitate
to hold his hand out to someone. He wasn't hesitant. Finally, I
answered. "Kim ChangJun is Seokjin's father."
Jimin – July 18 (MOTS: 7)
I wandered around the convenience store. I was killing time. I

used to skip school and wait in the park across from this convenience
store.
SongJu Jeil Middle School. That's where we'd all gone. It had
been such a long time since I'd come to this neighbourhood. Not
much had changed. Yoongi Hyung and Jungkook lived in this area
back then. I walked around the neighbourhood. After some time, I
spotted graffiti inside an alley to my right. I recognized it. It must be
Taehyung's.
I stopped in front of the graffiti to take a closer look. It was a
face, drawn in angry black lines. There was no warmth. It was
Seokjin's face. But...somehow it was someone else's face too. Both
faces I recognized had those same soulless eyes. Only then did I
realize who I had to find.
Namjoon – July 20 (LY: Answer)
I stared at the advert in the magazine. At the other side of my

table, there was another table by the window. A girl had been sitting
there for a few days in a row now.
Books, bags and white paper cups from the café were the same
but she was different. She was new. I looked back down at the
magazine. Why was I still sitting here anyways? All the other regular
customers were living their lives and were enthusiastic. And here I
am scouring a magazine at random. Everyone was anxious to start
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their day. I was anxious to do something. That girl...but that wasn't
the case...
I returned the magazine to its place and went through the
bookshelves. Books were lined up and lay undiscovered higher than
what I could reach. The smell of dust and books came over me like a
breeze sweeping through a window. Strangely, I felt nostalgic. My
high school days came to the surface as I had fallen in love with my
classmates, and books I'd read then smelled similar to the ones I
browsed through now. I couldn't really put my finger on it...Maybe I
stopped reading the book in the past and had forgotten about it. I
moved to the other bookcase and picked up the book. I guess I had to
start again.
It was dark when we all went into the storage room classroom. I
shone my phone's flashlight over the ground, catching glimpses of old
desks, chairs and crumpled pamphlets on the floor. I wonder what
happened here... Jimin was curled up comfortably against the wall in
the corner, while Yoongi sat at the old piano. Namjoon sat by the
window, writing something onto the fogged up glass.
"This place reminds me of the time we spent here in high
school," Namjoon spoke up. "Although, we're all here in the middle
of the night."
"High school?" Yoongi sneered. "No thanks."
"Why do we have to live in a world like this? We didn't have the
choice to be born into this world anyways, so how on earth are we
supposed to survive when we don't have the means to do so?"
Namjoon thought aloud after some time.
"Look over here!" Jimin said. He straightened up from the
position he'd been sitting in and pointed at the wall. "It's Seokjin’s
dad's name!"
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We all went over to take a look at the wall. The wall was
already full of so many other names and drawings that we took a
while to spot it. We all pointed our flashlights onto it.
"And this one is the name of the guy from the hospital," Jimin
said, surprised. "I don't know the other names here though."
"Choi GyuHo," Yoongi pointed to the name. "Isn't that the guy
that went missing?"
Namjoon leaned in and read the sentence that was scribbled
underneath all the names.
"Everything started here."
Jimin – July 24 (MOTS: Persona)
I got to Namjoon's home a little earlier than we were all

supposed to meet. I wanted to tell Jungkook I was happy he was out
of the hospital. I wanted to talk to Seokjin too. It was something I had
to tell him. I wasn't sure he'd be happy to hear it.
To pass the time I walked along the train tracks. A train passed
me, people filed out while people boarded, then it was off on its
journey again. Soon I decided to finally go meet everyone. I was a
little late at this point, around 10 minutes late, but I guess it was
better than being early. Surprisingly, I was still the only one there.
When I opened the door, hot air gushing out was my only greeting.
Where was everyone? Did someone happen? We're they still coming?
I went inside, turned on the fan and left a note for them on the wall. It
wasn't enough, but it was something.
《Congratulations Jungkook》
I felt a little let down when I left. The stillness in the container
wasn't suited for a party. It was too quiet when I was the only one
who'd decided to pitch up. I waited a few more minutes and checked
our chat room. Their last messages confirmed they were coming.
Trains kept passing, people boarded, and the trains left. No one came.
The container remained empty.
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I remembered leaving the hospital. I'd opened that door after
years of struggle to even step close to it. Without them, would I have
been able to open that door? Just because doors are open. Just
because the door is even there, doesn't mean that it can simply be
gone through. Seokjin was kind of in the same position now as I was
then. Was he locked up in a predicament like that? In a fearful
situation? Could he not get out? I wasn't sure. Would it even help?
Would all of our missing pieces help him when we all met tonight?
Maybe it could give him a small clue as to what's going on with
him... My thoughts crumbled into fright as I heard the door swing
open. Yoongi Hyung had arrived.
"Seokjin Hyung, can't you talk to your father? You know what
that orphanage means to me. That place is my home. All the kids
there won't have a place to call home if they decide to redevelop that
area. Can’t they leave the orphanage out of this?"
That's what I said the moment I got into Namjoon’s
compartment. I couldn't help it. Everyone started at me, stunned.
Seokjin's face remained void of any emotion. I held back my tears as
I looked at him. He stared back at me as if I was nothing. It only
made the hurt worse.
"It's already been decided. There's nothing I can do," Seokjin
finally answered. Each word sunk into me slowly as I processed what
he'd just said. There was a wall between Seokjin and me now. Those
words created that wall. Seokjin belonged to a world full of
decisiveness while I was from a world where I couldn't change the
decisions others had made.
I thought Seokjin Hyung was my friend. But now, it seemed
impossible to be friends with him when he was so different from me.
We came from two very different worlds. After his words sunk in and
I snapped out of it, I got angry. I shouted at him.
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"How can you be like this?" "Please just help me!"
But I already knew that my words could do nothing. To be
honest, that anger wasn't ever directed to Seokjin Hyung. Instead, I
was angry at myself. After all, I was the one who couldn't do
anything. I was the one who was nothing.
"Congratulations Jungkook!” It was a banner they'd all put up

on the side of Namjoon's compartment at the railroad. It was Jimin's
handwriting. It was a welcoming message, but the atmosphere inside
was anything but. Recently, the atmosphere around us had been
tinged with anxiety whenever we all got together.
Seokjin was the first to leave, with Taehyung following closely
behind him. They gave each other a fleeting glance before Seokjin
got in his car and reversed. His headlights shone onto the
compartment and we all sat in silence as we watched him drive off. I
caught a glimpse of the car's bumper. Looked like he'd been in an
accident. It was dented. Seeing Seokjin's car like that, dented at the
bumper...I was surprised I didn't feel anything when I saw it. I
thought seeing something that would trigger memories from my
accident would give me terrible flashbacks, but I was shocked that I
didn't feel much at all.
As I watched Seokjin's car drive away though, a memory
surfaced. I remembered seeing the car's headlights as it drove towards
me. The feeling I'd had upon collision, unable to breathe, swallow...it
was a surreal, out of body experience. Then the fear crashed down on
me, I felt a chill run through me and I thought "is this how I die?"
Seeing the dents on Seokjin's car reminded me of the dents that
had been on the car after it had collided with me. I realized I'd gotten
up and watched Seokjin leave. I went back into the container and
looked at the banner again
"Congratulations Jungkook!"
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I felt a deep pain run through my leg, the one that'd gotten
injured in the accident. The Hyungs didn't notice...they'd all gone
outside to talk. I had no idea what they were talking about though...
I had no idea how long I'd been sitting outside the apartment
building. I looked up and spotted a woman, thin and middle-aged by
the looks of it, step out of her apartment and onto the balcony of the
third floor. She lit a cigarette and leaned against the bannister as she
smoked. She looked down at the playground. It was around dawn.
The smoke she exhaled curled and disappeared into the sky. The sun
was almost starting to rise. I kept looking up at her, not daring to
move in case she saw me. She stayed on that balcony for a while. She
smoked cigarette after cigarette until she had one left.
I wondered if she saw me down here and just didn't want to
directly look at me. I wondered what she would think if she saw
someone my age, on a swing, in a playground at this hour? I held the
swing as still as I could to keep it from squeaking. After her last
cigarette, just as the sun came up, she finally went inside again. I
counted the numbers on the doors. 304, 305, 306. That was my
mother's apartment. The woman is just seen was my mother. I'd
finally found her.
Jungkook - 26 July (LY: Tear)
As I made my way down the hospital corridor I sneakily broke a

flower off one of the wreaths I passed. I bowed and smiled as I
wheeled my wheelchair past people, hoping to distract them from the
stolen flower I held gently. As I knocked on one of the hospital
room's doors I couldn't help but notice how brightly the sun shone
outside. Midsummer sunlight indeed. I waited after knocking, but
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there was no reply. Knocking again, I decided no one was occupying
the room. I opened the door.
No one was there. Quiet darkness was the only presence filling
the small room. I left the room, disappointed. I'd met her here when I
was bored. I was entertaining myself by wheeling my wheelchair
speedily up and down the empty corridor. I hadn't seen her at the end
of the corridor outside her little room's door before I was right in
front of her, screeching to a halt.
I remembered that day with a grateful warm feeling in my heart.
Her hair was tied up in a ponytail. That was the start of our almost
always silent friendship. I went out into the garden as I remembered
our first meeting in that corridor, spotting the bench where we had
listened to music and drawn together.
As I held the small little flower in my hand, a certain, small rock
of sadness settled in the pit of my stomach. Now that she was gone,
I'd have no one to give this little flower to anymore.
Jungkook – July 26 (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
Looking back, the hospital was quite far away... The bench that
I left the wildflower on. The window we looked out of to see the
river. They couldn't be seen anymore. Looking back, she actually
gave me a chance to breathe while I was in the hospital. She was
fresh air blowing through the stuffy place.
I'd sit with her on the bench in the late afternoon and we'd just
talk and talk until the sun went down. I told her about my hideout, my
trip to the beach and the way we all had walked to the train station.
And in turn, she told me about every small little corner of the
hospital: The best window to see the river. The staircase you could
take to sneak to the hospital's rooftop. She practically knew
everything about the hospital.
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Her room was empty. I didn't know if she'd been discharged or
if she'd moved to another hospital. I asked the nurses, but they didn't
tell me a thing. I started walking around, trying to look for her. My
heart felt incredibly empty. My school days seemed so far away at
that moment. Most stories I'd told her had been about what I'd gotten
up to with my Hyungs. Stories I'd told her had usually started with the
word 'Hyungs'.
I was always alone if I wasn't with them. They were my friends,
my family and my teachers. I lived life when I was in their
companionship. I existed with them. When I started to have this kind
of mindset, I have no idea. But one day they might not be around
anymore... One day I might go to see them, only to find no one there,
with no explanation as to why they left... Just like she disappeared
from the hospital without a word of goodbye. I don't think anything
worse than that could ever happen to me...
I remembered that night. The night the full moon was huge, a
parallel/flipped world cast in moonlight. Headlights from a car seen
in my peripheral vision. The shape of the car and its bright tail lights.
The familiar sound of the engine. I didn't want to assume that I knew
whose car it was. I didn't want to make any assumptions or
accusations. But at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about it...
I found myself at a bus stop when I finally snapped back into

reality. I'd walked for such a long time, lost in my thoughts that, when
I looked back, the hospital was nowhere in sight. I decided to wait for
the bus and got on. The bus was going to that place. And I hadn't
planned to go there at all today. I guess it was fate. And maybe my
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own heart was also subconsciously taking me back there. I had to
know the meaning behind what had happened there that day. I looked
out the window for the rest of the journey. It was bright outside since
it was summer. And then a thought came to mind... Could I really
trust my Hyungs?
The bus finally reached my destination. I got off and watched
the bus drive away, dust kicked up into the air at its departure. As I
walked to the place where my accident had happened, I lay on the
asphalt and stared up at the sky, mulling over what I could remember
from that night. The moon had hung in the sky, shining bright. I
remember seeing the headlights of the car approaching me in my
peripheral vision. I remembered the shape of the car as it drove past
me. I remember hearing it. Somehow it sounded familiar...Back in the
present, the sky was starting to darken as the sunset. If I lay down
here any longer, I might have another accident. Again, I thought: If I
couldn't trust my Hyungs, then, who else could I trust at the end of
the day?
Jimin – July 28 (LY: Answer)
Already time to go... In fact, I was alone in the practice room the
entire day. I crossed the street next door and waited 5 minutes to buy
tea as a reward. I was able to practice completely alone, only my
shortcomings seen by myself. It was scary. I wanted to do it anyway,
so I stayed alone at night. So the day went by and the thought of
dancing at the studio at night would've been scary disappeared. For a
long time, I believed that I was a small, weak, and helpless person.
As I danced, I was constantly thinking about the weight of my
body, the length of my limbs, the speed I could dance at, and the
strength I had to have. I was not small and weak when I danced. My
dancing ability increased as much as I practised. If I repeated the
action enough I would finally master it. I was growing up. It was as
much as a fingernail, but it was still growing. I also found that I was a
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pretty talkative person. When I danced, I felt like I was telling a story
that I could not put into words. I started dancing and finally, I could
see an improvement.
Yoongi – July 29 (LY: Answer)
What is the reason that the melody keeps coming up after the
person who plays the guitar and plays with it disappears? I lay down
on the couch and looked at the piano. I was expelled from school and
had abandoned my mother's piano. The only thing that was left after
the fire. He threw the half-burnt keys out the window of the
apartment. I thought I would kill myself. I will never touch the piano
again after I find those keys.
~
I could not wait for the elevator. I jumped down the stairs the
next day. I thought I fell asleep at first because of how unbelievable it
was that I'd lost them. Suddenly, last night came to mind. Nothing
was in the flowerbed below the window.
"The garbage truck just passed by," the security guard said.
I had really and truly lost the only piano keys I had left from my
mother's piano. Even after that day, I gave up my music so many
times saying 'I will never do it again. There was nothing like music.
Even when I ran, I knew. Eventually, I'll go back up those stairs and
slip into submission. I'd start playing music again. For me, music was
an object. With music, I was painful but free. It was confusing but
clear at the same time. Fear and confidence, hope and despair... all of
the opposite feelings seemed to have come alive. I wanted to hit the
piano, but I wanted to meet myself in a cowardly way, pretending to
be strong. I wanted to cry out, scream, lash out and cry. And I did not
want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody I was making
with guitar and piano. But this time it seemed possible.
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When I got to HanGok, the first thing that came to mind was
that it was similar to SongJu. There were definitely more people here.
On the platform, people rushed past me. I took my time and strolled
around.
I acted calm and collected. I acted like someone far from Jung
Hoseok. I didn't pay attention to anyone else around me and walked
at whatever pace I wanted. I ate spicy food that I usually wouldn't
like, I paid without saying anything. I walked along the sidewalk and
spat on the ground. I followed directions on my phone to a store in a
strip mall near a high school. There were a KimBap restaurant and a
stationery store by the place I was looking for. It was funny, this
place reminded me of Two Star Burger. I looked around, wondering
where I should go to look for an apartment if I were to move here. I
snapped out of my thoughts when someone bumped into me.
"Sor-" I stopped myself from apologizing and gathered myself. I
fixed my eyes on the stranger and gave him a critical stare.
"Watch where you're going," I said coldly. I wasn't kind
anymore. I wouldn't allow anyone to use me or treat me badly
anymore. Here in HanGok, I was unkind, unfriendly, a cold Jung
Hoseok. My facade crumbled in five seconds flat as I realized who
was in front of me.
"Hoseok Hyung, is that you?"
August
Yoongi – August 2 (MOTS: 7)
I lay down on my bed after finally sending through the music

file to Seokjin Hyung. I remember finding something written in the
margins of the sheet music I'd found in our storage room classroom.
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It certainly wasn't my handwriting. It read: "If we're together, we can
laugh."
I remembered a while ago, on a foggy day, I had walked across
the sports field with Seokjin at school. It was awkward for both of us.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to lag behind on purpose.
Of course, Seokjin wasn't the type to actually leave me behind. He
tried and failed to hold a conversation with me. Each time he tried;
the awkwardness got worse. Finally, I asked him, "When was the last
time you genuinely cried, Hyung?"
He didn't answer me and I didn't ask him again after that. Maybe
Seokjin had written those words along the margin of my sheet music.
I wasn't sure... If we are together, we can laugh... The sheet music had
been so childish as well. The music I wrote two years ago in high
school was aggressive and poorly done. It was nothing compared to
the detailed beauty I did now. My high school days were filled with
me getting drunk, staggering around. But I also spent countless nights
working on my music. I stayed up all night back then finishing the
piece. By the time I was done I called it "If we’re Together, We Can
Laugh."
Seokjin – August 3 (MOTS: 7)
I stared down at the Polaroid’s I'd laid across the carpet. All at
once, the images began to move. They became memories. They began
to move before my eyes. Jungkook turned to face me as if he'd heard
Jimin and Hoseok laugh. I heard Yoongi playing the piano. Namjoon
and Taehyung laughed as they ran along the beach. Those were the
things I remembered while looking at the photos. They played out in
my mind like a film. With so much clarity.
95
Moment after moment washed over me, one film after the next
of memories. I heard the laughter, felt the sunshine warmly on my
skin, saw the bursts of colour around me. And it was as if a floodgate
had opened. The memories didn't stop flooding into my mind, never
gave me a second to rest. I couldn't come to my senses for a while.
These memories were too overwhelming.
The room was filled with so, so many memories. Sad, nostalgic,
troubling and enjoyable memories at that. Suddenly, I felt something
unbelievable. How could I have ever forgotten these memories?
That's when I spotted something out of the corner of my eye.
Something was shimmering inside my pocket. What on earth could it
be?
Jungkook – August 3 (MOTS: 7)
"What are you doing, Jungkook? You're not killing anyone!"

Damnit. I'd spaced out again. I'd been playing online with a few
other people. I had to act fast. I grabbed my mouse and started
shooting quickly. I had a machine gun. Continuous shots. No
reloading needed! My opponents died quickly and fell like puppets
being cut from their strings.
I checked the map and saw there was a railway track through the
middle. Metal containers were on either side. It reminded me of
Namjoon's place at SongJu station. In the distance, an enemy with a
black bandana popped up. I got ready to shoot when I stopped. He
kind of reminded me of someone I knew. Hmm. They looked like one
of my Hyungs.
I laughed it off and shook my head as I started to wipe out the
enemies. I stopped for another moment to look at one of the enemies
lay dead on the ground. Is that Namjoon Hyung? It kind of looks like
him...Then someone shot a bullet into my shoulder. Wow, really? I
moved my mouse to see someone holding me at gunpoint. Hmm.
What?! It was Seokjin Hyung. Time for revenge!
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Taehyung – August 11 (LY: Answer)
I found a small letter. The person who had written it addressed

themselves as 'X'. It was a short sentence that someone had mulled
over for a few minutes before writing it down. It was her. I did not
see her write the letter herself, nor did I know her font, but I knew.
The letter was like a last greeting.
"Many things have happened to you... know that I am not
leaving you because you are a bad person" It seems like she is telling
me to be courageous and to not suffer.
-
When I got home I felt sick as I heard my sister scream. I threw
open the front door, stopping short as I saw an all too familiar scene
in front of me. I stopped my father from hitting her again by grabbing
his arm, looking straight into his face. He was surprised. I took that to
my advantage as I swung my fist at his face.
My sister screamed again as he punched me back. I tasted rusty
iron in my mouth. My chin hurt. I grabbed my father by the waist. He
screamed angrily at me. I ruthlessly punched at his back and
shoulders. The more furious I became the harder my punches got. It
was not painful and it was not scary, but the same cycle would be
repeated if I put my hand on my father any more than I already had. I
wanted to change. I wanted to change. No, I'm not like my father. I
will protect my family.
Hoseok – August 13 (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
Jimin and Noona stood in the middle of the practice room.

When the music started to play from the speakers, they started
running through the first dance. I sat on the floor of the practice room
and watched. When I found out that I could not dance because of my
ankle, it was hard. I felt frustrated that I had to just see someone else
97
dancing, but by helping Jimin practice and seeing the results, I
realized that it is not a big deal if I cannot dance. As long as I keep on
dancing, I can be happy.
Hoseok – August 13 (Part 2) (LY: Answer)

When I was dancing with Jimin, I could not make a small
mistake. Jimin would subtly miss the timing or have even less motion
than expected. Every time I stopped, I stopped the music and checked
every single action. There seemed to be a kind of invisible audience
seated on the floor of the exercise room and looking at it, Jimin's
dancing seemed different.
Each motion seemed more charged with energy and
extravagance than the last. When we were practising together, things
that I thought were mistakes came up differently. Minor mistakes and
inexperience worked in a rather unique way. It's different from me,
but Jimin had his timing and his expression. Jimin was dancing in his
light and movement.
Seokjin - 15 August (LY: Her)
I drove quickly down the road, not knowing that the intersection
up ahead was blocked. The car behind me took the off-ramp, wary
towards my reckless driving. I didn't care if people thought I was a
bad driver.
There were so many different distractions in the city around me
to care about their opinions on my motor skills. I abruptly slowed
down, spotting a small flower shop to my right on Konya Street. I
wasn't on my way to this small little shop, but I felt as if I was pulled
towards it. When I entered the shop, I found the owner arranging
business papers on the other side, and as I expected, he quickly
approached me when he noticed I was there.
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"I'm looking for a flower..." I started, continuing to describe the
colour and shape to the owner. We both looked for hours, but
unfortunately, only a few were vaguely similar.
"Why do you need that specific flower?" the owner had asked
curiously.
"I want to make someone happy," I replied, smiling.
"I wanted to see her smile as I gave her the flowers.
I wanted her to see me as a good person..."
I hugged my younger self tighter. I felt his damp body, his

racing heart.
"Just wait a little longer. Hold on a little longer. When you're
older you're going to make such wonderful friends. They'll help you
become a better person. I promise things will get better. Just keep
being strong for just a little longer."
I hugged myself tighter. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
As I hugged myself tighter I couldn't help crying a little. I woke up.
How long had I been asleep? I got up and wiped my eyes. I looked up
at the sky. I was in the arboretum. I'd fallen asleep here. The sun was
bright enough for me to guess it was around midday. It was quiet.
There wasn't a single trace of the rain that had fallen earlier. I spotted
the exit in the distance and made my way out of the arboretum.
Namjoon – August 25 (MOTS: 7)
I collapsed to the floor of my compartment. It was so hot I could

barely open my eyes. I squinted my eyes and tried to look around.
Ten minutes ago I told him to wait while I got ramyeon. Then I heard
someone cough. I spotted WooChang crouched further in the
compartment. I quickly dumped water on a blanket and wrapped it
around him.
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"We're going to have to jump through the window," I told him.
"You can do that, right?" Outside the door, the flames crept up. "On
the count of three, we're going to jump," I told him, taking his hand.
"One...two..."
Before three, something fell outside the door. The building
materials that had been leaning against this compartment must have
fallen over. They were now devoured by the flames. Sparks flew into
the air at the collapse. WooChang and I stepped back. There was no
way out now.
When she saw the diary she thought she had lost, she seemed to
be embarrassed. Her favourite movies, places she wanted to see,
favourite flowers, and dreams for the future appeared every time I
turned pages. It was also what I did for her. I'm sorry, that didn't
come out too well... The red diary was placed between us like a
traffic light at an intersection. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted
to make you laugh. I wanted to be a good person. If you follow the
letters in the diary, you will know. I wanted it to happen. But the
more I tried to be someone else, the more frightened I became. I was
desperately concealing myself and pushing away my true self. But
just as I couldn't end my sentence, its subject forgotten, I lost myself
and I couldn't go any further.
I know now. I was in a position that I could not move on. I was
unable, to be honest with myself without the truth is brutal and
painful. It was a part of me that was scarce but was also failing and
mistaken. I went out on the street and took off my hat. As I swept my
hair, I lost time trying to be someone else between my fingers. I
turned my head and saw my face in the window. The man I saw: His
face, his pale lips, his dry shoulders, seemed so grinning. I laughed in
the window. How dishonest this poor man had been.
100
Seokjin - 30 August (LY: Tear)
Who would be able to remember the moment love begins. Who

would know when Love ends? Why is it that as humans we can't
predict and remember these things? Why do I have the ability to
restore everything to how it'd once been?
The car stopped abruptly. The headlights flashed. The car
crashed into the victim. Someone was thrown into the air from the
impact. I'd stood there. All I could do was look as the disturbing
scene unravelled. I was defenceless. I couldn't feel anything. I
couldn't hear anything. The summer wind became ice cold. Down the
road, something rolled and fell. Next: the smell of flowers. I was
snapped back into reality. The bunch of smeraldo flowers dropped
from my loose hands. She was in the middle of the road. She'd been
hurt by the car. Blood ran down from underneath her hair. Dark blood
trickled down the road. If only I could turn back time.
Seokjin – August 30 (Smeraldo Books)
The bouquet of Smeraldo flowers fell from my hands. She was

lying in the middle of the road. Dark red blood flowed down the road.
Seokjin – August 30 (Part 1) (LY: Answer)
As I opened the storage classroom's door the smell of dust and

clammy air hit me as I entered. Memories rose to the surface while I
looked around. The principal's new shoes shone brightly. Namjoon's
expression as he stood outside the door. The last day of school when
I'd turned my back on Hoseok and walked home alone. All of a
sudden a chill swept over me. My head hurt. I didn't know how to
express how I felt at that moment. Emotions I can only describe as
annoyance or fear came over me. A dull ache settled in my being as I
101
stayed still. My body obviously wanted out. I had to leave the
classroom.
Taehyung grabbed my arm, noticing my discomfort. "Hyung,"

he said. "Just try a little more. Try to remember what happened here."
I shook off his hand and walked in. We'd been walking around
for several hours in the heat wave and I was exhausted. The others
didn't know what to say. Memory. The memory Taehyung was
talking about. It was meaningless to me. That I did this. That this
happened to me. That we did this together. That we could've even
done it. It seemed like we could have, though.
But memory is neither acceptance nor understanding. It's not the
interpretation of an experience. It's something that is connected,
buried and felt by your heart. Your mind. Your soul. To me all the
memories in this place were foul. Things that hurt me and made me
want to get out, run away and forget them again. I felt my conscience
battling. I wanted to leave. But at the same time, Taehyung was
blocking the way out.
We were both too tired to fight. Our attempts to hit, dodge and
push each other were sluggish and felt heavy. Almost as if we were
moving through a thick viscous liquid. My feet tangled with
Taehyung's. My shoulder must've hit the wall. Before I could register
the pain I staggered, becoming senseless.
At first, I had no idea what'd just happened. I couldn't open my

eyes or breathe. The dust was too thick. I burst into a coughing fit,
unable to stop.
"Are you okay?"
102
At that moment I realized: I'd fallen through the floor. What'd
I'd previously thought was a wall was now crumbling. Behind the
wall was a vast expanse of space. For a moment, nobody dared to
move.
"What on earth? We spent so much time here and yet we never
knew about this?" Someone asked, amazed. Nobody would've ever
thought so much space would've been beyond the storage classroom's
walls. As the dust began to settle, a looming shadow appeared in the
thinning haze.
"But what's is that?"
We all stared at the cabinet sitting in the empty space. Namjoon
was the one to open the doors. Inside there was one notebook.
Namjoon picked it up and opened it to the first page. It was quite old.
I inched closer to peer over Namjoon's shoulder. I sucked in a sharp
breath of air. The name on the first page was not what I'd anticipated.
My father's name was written on the first page of that notebook.

I snatched the book away from Namjoon before he could turn to the
next page. I sat down and turned the pages as gently as possible, as if
they'd crumble between my fingertips.
The notebook, in my father's handwriting, was an account of his
high school days with his friends. He didn't write in it every day. A
few months were skipped here and there. Some pages were
unreadable, covered in stains which I could only assume was blood.
Even so, I saw that my father had experienced the same things I
had. He'd made mistakes and blunders and had tried to make up for
them...just like me. He'd recorded his failures in this notebook. In the
end, he'd failed. He'd given up. He'd been forgotten and his friends
had turned away from him. He'd betrayed his friends. The last pages
held nothing but smeared ink stains. The stains had permeated onto
the last few pages of the notebook. These stains showed my father's
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failures. He'd given up. The wind coming in from the window was
cool, showing time had flown by pretty quickly since I'd sat down to
read the notebook.
It seemed as if it were dawn. Everyone had fallen asleep on the
floor. I lifted my head to look up at the wall. Somewhere here I'd seen
my father's name accompanied by something that'd said something
like:
"This was where everything started."
As I closed the notebook and funny sensation travelled through
my fingertips and up my arms. Faint letters began to appear atop the
dark ink stains. Behind the window, subtle old energy travelled
through me. The sun was going to rise soon. But until then it would
still be nighttime. And like the tangling of light and dark at dawn, the
greyish letters appeared atop the ink smeared paper.
The notebook held even more memories than I'd expected. On

top of the written letters, in between the margins, in the once blank
spaces... This is where the memories were my father had wanted to
forget. Things he'd decided to not remember. Like the indentations
made when writing and having the colour faded, my fingertips
touched the memories my father had left behind.
His fears. His struggles. His despair. His weakened hopes. The
map of my father's broken soul lay before me in this little notebook. I
cried as I closed the notebook. I cried for a long time and still, as I
finally lifted my head, everyone was still asleep. As I looked at
everyone's faces one by one, I realized we were meant to come back
here.
This is the place where our friendship had started. I understood
the meaningfulness behind us laughing together and doing things
together. My heartfelt light thinking about those memories. My first
fight. The mistakes I'd never admitted to out loud. Those memories
104
weighed my heart down like a deep wound. Maybe none of this
happened by chance. Maybe I had to come here and find that
notebook. It was the only way I'd been able to realize my mistakes
anyways. And relapse the anxiety and pain I'd had as a result. For the
first time, I was able to find the map to my soul and dig deeper to
understand myself more.
105

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Bangtan Universe – The

(A Chronological Compilation of the Universe created

All of the HYYH Notes are listed in chronological order,

Any mistakes within this document are my own and this is

All original HYYH content belongs to BTS & Big Hit

"At the end of my journey to find myself, everything fell back

After all, what you have to look for is the beginning of

Finding your soul, someone else's soul is something everyone

And that is what I am looking for from this day on.

-Epiphany Comeback Trailer -

Hoseok – August 30 – Year 9 (MOTS: 7)

I got up and rubbed at my eyes. My Hyungs woke me up and

Taehyung – February 28 – Year 10 (MOTS: 7)

While I was in the supermarket, someone stood outside, playing

Hoseok - 23 July (LY: Tear)

"One… Two… Three... Four..." by the time I reached four I

Hoseok – 23 July (Smeraldo Books)

Mom handed me a chocolate bar.

As soon as I enter my house I take off my shoes, drop my bag

Jimin - 6 April (LY: Tear)

I walked out of the arboretum by myself, feeling good despite

Jungkook - September 30 (MOTS: 7)

Everyone was already there, standing in a group. What was

Yoongi – July 25 (MOTS: 7)

Yoongi - 19 September (LY: Tear)

Jimin – August 20 (MOTS: 7)

Namjoon – May 2 (MOTS: Persona)

Jimin – December 10 (MOTS: Persona)

"We're almost there," my mom said. I wiped my sleeve across

In a way, I remember how I looked on that swing. I looked like the

Seokjin - 2 March (LY: Her)

(First day of school in spring)

Jungkook - 28 May (Part 1) (LY: Answer)

"What are your dreams, Hyungs?" I asked. My Hyungs looked

Jungkook - 28 May (Part 2) (LY: Answer)

Yoongi - 12 June (Part 1) (LY: Tear)

We'd skipped school, but we didn't know where we wanted to

Yoongi - 12 June (Part 2) (LY: Tear)

"I don't want to walk, guys," Jungkook piped up. Sweat

As we came closer to the station, the sign began to disappear

Seokjin - 25 June (Part 1) (LY: Answer)

In the warehouse classroom, I saw a pot on the window. I had

Seokjin - 25 June (Part 2) (LY: Answer)

This classroom would not have been a warehouse from the

Jimin - 30 August (LY: Her)

While Hoseok was on the phone I played with his shadow on

Taehyung - 20 March (Part 1) (LY: Tear)

I ran down the corridor, the sound of my feet echoing through

Taehyung - 20 March (Part 2) (LY: Tear)

Namjoon - 15 May (LY: Her)

As we all walked through the classroom, I noticed the large,

Taehyung – June 7 (MOTS: Persona)

"Stupid dog couldn't even wait for a second, could it?"

Yoongi - 25 June (LY: Her)

I opened my bedroom door and opened my desk drawer to pull

Jungkook - 25 June (LY: Her)

I pressed down on the piano keys absentmindedly as I recalled

Seokjin - 17 July (LY: Tear)

Hoseok - 15 September (LY: Her)

Jimin's mother paced along outside the emergency room. I

I'd stopped counting the days I'd been in this hospital.

Jimin - 28 September (Smeraldo Books)

Jungkook - 30 September (LY: Tear)