21 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

RE-DISCOVER YOURSELF AND MAINTAIN DIGNITY: You will be respected by others only if you respect yourself. To maintain
mutual respect in a relationship, it is important to maintain dignity and draw your boundaries without hurting the other person.
LEARN ACCEPTANCE: A happy marriage is all about acceptance. The more you fixate upon your differences, the more difficult it
can get to being together in challenging situations. Both of them need to learn things from each other and that can happen only
after mutual acceptance. The more you try to change your partner, the more resistance you will face from them. Understand and
accept your partner, even their flaws.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: Marriage is not a child’s play. Marriage calls for commitment and responsibilities. If the husband starts
helping his wife in the kitchen, the wife would not only feel lighter but also loved. Such small gestures can go a long way in
making marriages work and improve. Taking added responsibilities can drastically improve not only your relationships but also
keep you active. All you have to do is overcome the ego, broaden your vision, and have a wider perspective towards your
marriage. Balance and divide the responsibilities in such a manner that it is a win-win situation for both of you. As a consequence,
you are taking responsibility for strengthening your relationship.
CHANGE YOURSELF (AND NOT YOUR PARTNER): Change begins with you. It’s pointless trying to change the world around you if
you cannot change yourself. It is only when you start with yourself that you realise that it’s extremely difficult to change oneself
and others.
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR SPOUSE: The Yoga way of life teaches you to be gentle, honest, and transparent. It also
teaches you good habits and positive thinking. Your thoughts make you the person you are, and this further determines the
choices you make, the experiences you have and the people you attract. The strategy is to change your attitude—the goal is to
become a better individual and a better team player. Be true to yourself, only then will you be able to be true to your partner. For
a healthy marriage, let the ‘I’ be true, for it to turn into a healthy ‘we.’
PRIORITISE THE RELATIONSHIP: Wedding vows include: • Respect each other • Share each other’s joys and sorrows • Trust
• Appreciate knowledge, values, services • Appreciate purity of emotions • Follow dharma • Nurture the eternal bond of
friendship and love. Marriage calls for commitment. Both the partners need to be firm in committing to the relationship and
keeping it over anything else.
TRUST COMPLETELY: Lack of trust in each other is often the result of: 1. Low self-esteem and a lack of trust in oneself.
2. Lack of empathy. 3. Poor interpersonal communication skills. Communication and transparency are key to building trust. ‘You
may be miserable if you trust too much, but you will be worse off if you don’t trust enough. When you are able to know and trust
yourself, you remain a victim of your own fears and suspicions.
COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY: “You are not listening to me!” “You are not interested in talking to me anymore!” We might
believe we are experts in communication, but many of us talk without thinking, and hear without listening. The husband will have
to learn that the wife, who has been looking forward all day to being with him when he returns from work, deserves much more
than silence and grunts. Wife, on the other hand, has to understand that maybe the husband has had a rough day at work and he
needs to unwind before they can spend some quality time together. The beginning of serious communication problems between
a couple is when one of them does not give enough attention to their partner and is not concerned about their well-being. This is
followed by harsh words that are capable of greater harm than you may understand. Words matter and how they are uttered
matters more, call a person a fool and he will blow his top. Put your arm around them and tell them, gently to stop being a fool
and you will have them eating out of your hand. Same message, opposite effect. Your efforts to know and share with your
partner could lead you to greater levels of physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, recreational and spiritual intimacy.
APPRECIATE GENEROUSLY: Appreciation is the key to every relationship. “The dinner was fantastic tonight, thank you!” can make
the other person so happy. Next time, they would put in more effort just to give you an amazing dinner. As human beings, right
from our childhood, we all crave appreciation and positive attention. Appreciating will not only make the other person feel good
but also motivate them to put in more effort into the relationship, strengthening it further.
DEVELOP LOVE & INTIMACY: Love is the magic option for long-term relationships. People desirous of a lasting long-term
relationship need to introspect whether it is love or simply lust masquerading as love. The fabric of love takes time to weave. To
nurture love, you need to give without an expectation of return. Don’t keep an account of who did what for the other person.
Love grows from knowing and sharing. You can enjoy the time spent in togetherness and develop deeper emotional or
intellectual intimacy by getting to know more about your partner through effective communication. Sex education combined with
value education can solve a lot of your personal and interpersonal problems, and knowledge about these matters.
MANAGE EXPECTATIONS: Intense love does not measure, it just gives. Bhavna has been married for a year and she is quite
unhappy. She is doing her best to do all the things her mother had advised her to do in her new house—she cooks, cleans, looks
after her ailing mother-in- law—yet she is not happy. She has no complaints about Ravi, her husband as he cares, helps and also
spends time with her. But, lack of appreciation, hurts her. She is unhappy that despite doing so much, her mother-in-law never
praises her in the presence of her friends, and her husband does not thank her for all that she does. Result: frustration, anger,
tears. There are small problems, there are big problems and there are also small problems that look like big problems. The
solution? How does one make a line look smaller without touching it? Draw a longer line next to it. The trick is to become bigger
than the problem, the expectations. Bhavna eventually learnt that she, like everybody else, was unique and didn’t need anyone
to thank her or remind her of how special she was. Bhavna and Ravi’s relationship took a turn for the better.
CONQUER THE EGO: Ana, the only daughter of affluent parents had a pampered upbringing. Joyle, the man she fell in love with,
was a decent fellow from a middle class background. Ana adapted well to the smaller apartment and the differences in lifestyle.
But it bothered her to take the dishes after meals to the kitchen sink. Her servants had done this for her all her life and Ana saw it
as a lowering of status. She did adapt, but grudgingly as her pride was wounded and she often taunted Joyle about reducing her
to a servant. Ana did stop nagging for the sake of peace at home, but she didn’t forget the hurt. It was an uneasy peace; her ego
would not let her be. In Yoga parlance, kleshas are obstacles to happiness. There are five main kleshas and Asmita aka Ego is one
of the five kleshas. Asmita is the identification of oneself with one’s ego. One creates a self-image of oneself that one mistakes it
to be true. Yoga works on self-development. Even in a marriage, everything eventually boils down to self-development, self-
worth, self-work, self-duty and much more. If you have the right attitude and outlook, marriage can be a training ground for
learning humility and the art of compromise, for learning empathy and becoming sensitive to another person; basically an
opportunity to grow as a person.
UNPLUG TO CONNECT: Having some quality me-time is very important. It is only when you are at peace, will you be able to give
the same thing to your loved ones. If you are not happy then all your frustration, anger, and sadness will be reflected in your
interactions with your partner. In life, your first Dharma is towards yourself. In the journey of maintaining a healthy relationship,
don’t get so involved that you lose your own identity. Take some time off, unplug yourself from your daily activities and spend
some time with yourself, by yourself. Meditate, practice conscious relaxation, exercise, or simply listen to some music. Space is
equally important to improve a marriage. You just need to know when to space out, and when to step in. Refrain from speaking
in a disturbed state of mind. In a heated argument, it is always better to go to another room, calm yourself down, gather your
thoughts, and then talk it out. Similarly, ‘Me-time’ can enhance your relationship as you realise what is important and how you
can use it to have a better connection with your spouse.
YOGA WAY OF LIVING PROMOTES THE ART OF FORGIVING: The way a person is brought up, their sanskaras, their situations, and
thought process is completely different even from their own identical twin, so to say. Every individual is different. When we
practice and study Yoga, we start understanding ourselves better. It is only when we have truly understood this uniqueness in
ourselves, will we be able to understand and accept others for the way they are. Yoga way of living helps us to understand this.
This, in turn, reduces our expectations that we often have from others and promotes the art of forgiving. We stop expecting our
partner to behave in a certain manner that suits us. Once you establish a good relationship with yourself, you will be able to
accept your partner the way they are. It is only expectations that lead to disappointments. When you won’t have any
expectations, you won’t get disappointed. Always remember, your outer relationships are only a reflection of your relationship
with your inner self. Forgive and accept yourself for the way you are, for the same to happen with your spouse.
FOCUS ON BEING HAPPY (AND NOT RIGHT): Aruna had been married for over a year now, but she was unhappy. Why? Because
she did all the household work, but her husband was always able to find mistakes. Aruna kept working harder and harder so her
husband could no longer find faults, she wanted to prove it to him that she could get it right. However, her husband found one
way or another to put her down. Was Aruna’s approach right? No, because she focused entirely on proving herself right. The end
result was that she was unhappy in spite of working so hard in the house. She felt like she was doing a thankless job. If you want
to be happy, no one can make you unhappy. Your happiness always lies in your own hands. Aruna could’ve easily calmed herself
down and had an open conversation with her husband, looking for ways to improve their relationship. But she chose
unhappiness. According to Yoga, marriage is an opportunity to find out that you are not the only one around whom the universe
revolves. In a situation like this, it is an opportunity for the husband to understand humility, be humble, learn to walk in another
person’s shoes and to become sensitive to his wife’s feelings.
MASTER PARENTING: The birth of a child impacts the husband–wife equation dramatically—their social life, personal life, sex life,
finances, eating habits, sleep patterns and every aspect of life. On the positive side, a child is an opportunity for the parents to
bond even more and relive their childhood all over again. If you are open minded, then your child can teach you to be young once
again—to play, to fool around, to live life fully, to be carefree. As the child grows older, On the day-to-day level, discipline has to
be coupled with compassion; the child should be made aware of his duties; for example, help you in the house, but discipline has
to be balanced with fun. Creating a time slot for poetry, games and sharing jokes balances the serious ‘discipline’ aspect. Let love
be the guiding force. On being asked for advice on parenting, a yogi picked up a handful of sand and gave it to the mother. ‘Hold
it tight,’ he told her, and on doing this the sand started to slip between her fingers. ‘Now keep the palm open,’ he said. The wind
blew away the sand from the open palm. Only when the woman cupped her palm, could she hold on to the sand. Children, like
sand, cannot be totally restricted nor can they be allowed total freedom; the right mix is essential. Remember that an apple tree
can only bear apples, not mangoes.
STRIKE A MENTAL BALANCE: All was happy and well in Ayushi and Vaibhav’s marriage until Vaibhav started feeling stress due to
his job. Soon the levels of stress increased and he started having anxiety and panic attacks. Not only did this strain their
relationship but it also burdened Ayushi emotionally. Vaibhav wasn’t being open about his stress and just kept aloof. If only,
Vaibhav would’ve realised that marriage is all about communication and helping each other! Ayushi could have helped him
through his situation and helped ease the situation at home. You need to be honest with yourself, followed by honesty with your
partner. This is the only way you can help each other to strike a mental balance. Yoga teaches you just that, to turn inwards. You
can’t change the situation but you can definitely change the way you react to the situation. Buddha had once said that when
someone shoots an arrow at you, instead of finding that person, first remove that arrow from your leg. No one else can enter
inside you other than your own self. It is only when you know yourself better, that you will be able to pull yourself out through
tough times. This process can be a lot lighter when you have the support of your partner.
MANAGE FINANCES TOGETHER: No two people in a marriage are alike. And when you throw money into the equation, their
outlook is going to be even more different. One of them might want to go on a vacation and the other might want to buy a
gadget. Yoga advocates that you get to know yourself and your thoughts before you start planning finances with your partner. It
is important for a married couple to identify their individual life goals, prioritize them and then work towards them. Understand
your earning and spending capacity and then work accordingly. You could decide to have both individual as well as joint bank
accounts, but when it comes to finances and marriage, transparency is one thing that you must maintain with your partner at all
times. Keep each other well-informed, communicate better, maintain an emergency fund, and keep a track of your budget. Don’t
let money be the cause of your misery and become a strain in your married life. Remember, when it comes to managing your
money, moderation is the key.
GIVE AND TAKE FREEDOM: Freedom is very important in any relationship. No matter how much you love your partner, giving
them their own space is very important. Rajesh loved his wife very much, however, he just had one complaint. She kept
messaging him, asking his whereabouts. So, what should Rajesh do in such a situation? Rajesh could text her himself, “Honey, I
have reached office” or “Stuck in a meeting, can’t wait to see you.” Sooner or later, his wife will stop pestering him. Try to
understand the situation and then respond to it. Understand your partner’s behaviour and don’t give unnecessary advice.
Similarly, speak up when the situation demands. No partner should ever feel suffocated in a marriage. Learn when to give space,
and when to give attention. In Rajesh’s case, the wife clearly needed some reassurance, whereas he needed some space. The
solution was to meet each other halfway. That’s how marriages work, don’t they? A delicate yet beautiful balance of give and
take.
CULTIVATE FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE: How strong is your friendship with your partner? When your spouse is also your friend,
every challenge becomes surmountable. The basis for marriage has to be friendship, because that is what unites a couple. If you
listen carefully to the marriage mantras when a couple takes the ceremonial seven steps around the fire, it says: With these
seven steps you have become my friend. May I deserve your friendship. May my friendship make me one with you. May your
friendship make you one with me. Being friends with your spouse is guaranteed to make your marriage more fun for both of you.
It will help deepen your bond and you will have more shared activities, free and open communication and a much more fulfilling
marriage.
In my marriage with Dr Jayadeva, we remained best friends throughout. But marriage is not a bed of roses. You have to work at
it, and it is the work that draws you together. We also had a lot of ups and downs, but our friendship helped sustain our love.
PRACTICE YOGA FOR A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE: Saloni pulls out three saris from her cupboard—she loves all of them—and asks
her husband, Bob, to help her pick one for the evening’s party. Saloni gets to wear what she likes and her husband is happy that
he was consulted. Everybody’s happy. That’s a win-win strategy. A man and a woman are different in many aspects as a woman
thinks from her heart and the man with his head. Thus one person’s logic rules thinking, while the other’s emotions may
dominate more. Therefore, a person can become whole only when he or she develops both areas. Regular practice of the yoga
way of living helps a couple to overcome their misunderstandings and make them aware of their true dharma, that is moral duty.
Otherwise it manifests in personal grudges, likes and dislikes, hatred, envy, jealousy and greed. This may lead to stress, illness,
chaos, cacophony, conflicts and confusion. Both the mind and body become afflicted. Yoga way of life will help infuse your
marriage with discipline, clarity, commitment, responsibility and most importantly, adaptability. You will also learn to adjust and
appreciate the other. A happy married life will help you to reach a blissful state of completeness, and a happy person is an asset
to society.