BEHAVIORAL HUMAN
PSYCHOLOGY
 
 
THIS BOOK INCLUDES:
 

MANIPULATION PSYCHOLOGY,
MENTAL MODELS, MENTAL MODELS
TOOLS, HOW TO ANALYZE PEOPLE,
EMPATH SKILLS AND NARCISSISTIC
ABUSE.
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
By
Brandon Dark
© Copyright 2019 - All rights reserved.

The content contained within this book may not be reproduced, duplicated or transmitted without
direct written permission from the author or the publisher.
Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held against the publisher, or
author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary loss due to the information contained within this
book. Either directly or indirectly.
Legal Notice:
This book is copyright protected. This book is only for personal use. You cannot amend, distribute,
sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the
author or publisher.
Disclaimer Notice:
Please note the information contained within this document is for educational and entertainment
purposes only. All effort has been executed to present accurate, up to date, and reliable, complete
information. No warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author
is not engaging in the rendering of legal, financial, medical or professional advice. The content
within this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before
attempting any techniques outlined in this book.
By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is the author responsible for
any losses, direct or indirect, which are incurred as a result of the use of the information contained
within this document, including, but not limited to, — errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.
 Table of Contents
 
 
Manipulation Psychology
 
Introduction
Chapter 1: Manipulation in Relationships
Manipulation in Marriages
Seduction
The Silent Treatment
Inexplicable Rage and Throwing Tantrums
Manipulation Among Parents and Children
Positive Reinforcement
Negative Reinforcement
Guilt
Defiance
Manipulation in Friendship
Unsolicited Compliments
Unsolicited Rewards
A Friend in Need
The Good Snake
The Deflector
Chapter 2: Manipulation in Business
Persuasive Advertising (Misleading)
Non-Specific Type
 Pricing
Free Samples
Threat of Loss
Capitalizing on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Selling Brands
Everything is Not How They Look
Chapter 3: The Empath
Skills of Empaths
Experts in Detecting Micro-Expressions
Ability to Emotionally Gauge and Control a
Gathering
Intuition Before Major Turbulence
Highly Creative Individuals
They are Expressive with Non-Verbal Cues
Can Pick up on Hidden Motives
Can Cause People to Spill Their Deepest Secrets
Manipulation Using Empath Skills
High Creativity Levels
Detection of Micro-Expressions
Can Cause People to Spill Their Deepest Secrets
Chapter 4: Manipulation in Leadership
Ruling by the Iron Fist
Brainwashing by Certain Regimes
Fear and Intimidation of Subjects
Political Manipulation
Manipulative Campaigns
 Propaganda and Slander
Luring Campaign Financiers
Decoy Candidates
Media and Politics
Voluntary Leadership
Marshaling People
Religious Leadership
Chapter 5: The Con
The Three Card Monte
The Spanish Prisoner
The Pickpocket
Chapter 6: Specific Ways of Mind Control
Brainwashing
Hypnosis
Persuasion
Deception
Chapter 7: How to Spot a Manipulator
Traits of Manipulators
The Psychopath
The Narcissist
The Machiavellian
The Nonchalant Person
The Charismatic
Chapter 8: How to Cope with Manipulations
How to Cope with Manipulation in Relationships
In Marriages
 Parents and Children
How to Deal with Manipulative Friends
How to Cope with Manipulation in Business
How to Deal with Manipulative Empaths
How to Cope with Manipulation in Leadership
How to Deal with the Manipulative Con
Conclusion
 
Mental Models
 
Introduction
Chapter 1: A History of Popular Mental Models
Elon Musk and the First Principles Mental Model
Ivan Pavlov and Classical Conditioning
Charlie Munger, Warren Buffet, and Cognitive
Biases
Cognitive Bias #1: Anchoring
Cognitive Bias #2: Confirmation Bias
Chapter 2: Concentration and Focus Using
Mental Models
Scenario Analysis
The Circle of Competence Mental Model
Additional Tips for Concentration
Set a Timer
Meditation
Meditation App #1: Headspace
 Meditation App #2: Insight Timer
Meditation App #3: Calm
Meditation App #4: 10% Happier
Chapter 3: Mental Models and Self-Discipline
The Eisenhower Matrix
BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits Mental Model
Chapter 4: Mental Toughness Training
Training Yourself to be Mentally Tough
Step One: Know What You Want
Step Two: Tweak Your Self-Talk
Habits of Mentally Tough People
Chapter 5: Using Mental Models to Achieve
Stoicism
Epictetus: Thoughts on Stoicism
Commitment and Consistency Bias
Cognitive Appraisal
More Practices for Stoicism from Seneca
Chapter 6: Building Your Own Mental Model
Identifying Your Mental Models and Their
Impacts
Expanding Your Mental Model
The Lollapalooza Effect
Conclusion
 
Mental Models Tools
 
Introduction
Chapter 1: What Are the Mental Models?
The Historic People Behind Mental Models:
Kenneth Craik (Philosopher and Psychologist)
Philip Johnson-Laird (Professor and Author)
Ruth M. J. Byrne (Cognitive Scientist and Author)
Peter Senge (American System Scientist, Author)
Chapter 2: Creating Mental Models That Will
Enhance Your Daily Life
How a Positive Outlook Can Change Your Situation
Personal Mental Model Shifts to Be More Sufficient
Setting Goals and Achieving What You Want
Tips to Change Your Mental Models to More
Positive Thoughts
Be Grateful
Create a Mantra
Prove Yourself Wrong
Get out of the Comfort Zone
New Perspective
Improve the Moment
Positive Thoughts
Chapter 3: How Having A Team Mental Model
Can Grow A Company
Build Sharing Vision
System Thinking
Mental Models
 Team Learning
Personal Mastery
Creating a Vision for the Company That Everyone
Will Get Behind
Creating Space for Employees to Grow Will
Improve Business
Becoming a Better Leader and What It Will Take
Positive Thoughts
Chapter 4: Different Areas of Mental Models and
How They Can Be Changed
Memory and How It Works
Long-Term Memory
Short-Term Memory
Explicit Memory
Implicit Memory
Autobiographical Memory
Critical Thinking
Analytical Thinking
Communication Skill
Creativity Skills
Open-Mindedness
Problem-Solving
Decision-Making
Rational Decision Making
Intuitive Decision Making
Positive Thoughts
Chapter 5: Being Aware of Your Mental Models Is
the First Step to Changing
Practices for a Positive Mental Model
Believe Change Can Happen for You
Permit Yourself to Be Successful
Surround Yourself with Positivity
Talk About Your Success in Present Form
Be Crystal Clear on Your Vision
Positive Thoughts
Chapter 6: Critical Mental Models for Growth
Decisions and Mental Models
Critical Models to Include in Your Set of Cognitive
Models
Entropy
Pavlovian Association
The Why Model
Bias from over Influence by Authority
Inversion Model
Circle of Competence
Models to Adopt for Better Thought and Decision
Making
Adaptation
Mental Simulations
Pareto’s Principle
First-Principles of Thought
Bayesian Method
 Occam's Razor
Hanlon's Razor
Reciprocity
Relativity
Catalysts
Leverage
Inertia
Conclusion
 
How to Analyze People
 
Introduction
Chapter 1: Reading Thoughts?!
Descartes Error
Body and Soul
Unconscious
Chapter 2: Rapport – What it is and Why it is
Needed?
The Basic Rule of Establishing Rapport
When You Need Rapport
Why Does Rapport Work?
Chapter 3: Rapport in Practice—Use Unconscious
Communication Consciously
Move the Body! How to Use Body Language
Mirroring and Joining
Do Not Think Too Much
Body Language as Medicine
How Do You Use Your Voice?
Tone
Depth
Melody
Pace
Strength Volume
Exercise on the Movement
Exercises for the Shy
What Gives Us Away?
Our Expressions
Slang
Professional Slang
Personal Features
Favorite words
Breathe, Patience, Breathe
Cozy Exercise
Think About Energy
Speak Like You Really Mean It
Fun Exercise
The Noble Ability to Agree
Shakespeare for the President
Think the Same Way
Diametrically Opposed Statements
Rapport by E-Mail
 The Old Workaround: Make Another Talk About
Yourself
Did it Work? How to Check if Rapport is Installed
What to Look For
Watch Your Pupils
When All Goes Wrong
Situations When It Is Not Necessary to Copy the
Interlocutor
Pupil Exercise
Chapter 4: How Our Feelings Affect Our
Thoughts
Different Sensations – Different Thoughts
Sour Exercise
Look at Me – What Does Eye Movement Mean?
Creating a Picture
Test Questions
You Speak as You Understand – How Our
Feelings Affect Our Language
Visual Dictionary
Auditory Dictionary
Kinesthetic Dictionary
Neutral Dictionary
Guess Who is Who?
Da Vinci Exercise
Rapport with Many People at Once
Dominant Feeling
 Ask Questions
Physical Features
Watch the Pace
Chapter 5: Feeling and Sensitivity – We Do Not
Know How to Hide Our Feelings
What are Feelings?
Emotions as a Defense Mechanism
What Causes Feelings?
Such Different Feelings
We Are All Humans
Othello's Error
Unconscious Information
Seven Samurai – The Seven Universal Feelings
Types of Facial Expressions
Facial Expression Does Not Reveal the Cause
Neutral Facial Expression
Surprise
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Disgust
Contempt
Joy
Mixed Emotions
Sadness
Anger
 Fear
Disgust
Contempt
Look Back
Chapter 6: It's Never Too Late – An Instructive
Story About the Importance of Being Able to
Analyze People
Chapter 7: Become a Lie Detector – How to
Recognize Conflicting Signals
Conflicting Signals
Controversial Body Language
Face
Eyes
Arms
Fun Exercise
The Rest of the Body
Suppressed Gestures
Voice Changes
Tone
Speech
Changes in Word Usage
Misty Remarks
Repeat and Repeat
Pretentiousness
Negation
Distance and Depersonification
 The Distance in Time
Preamble
Literacy
We Demand Complete Secrecy
Conclusion: A Few Thoughts in Conclusion
 
Empath Skills
 
Introduction
Chapter 1: Empathy: An Introduction
The Different Types of Empath
Emotional Empath
Physical Empath
Geomantic Empath
Horticultural Empath
Animal Empath
Intuitive Empath
Chapter 2: Understanding the Empath
The Empath and Mirror Neurons
Is It Nature, or Were You Nurtured?
Chapter 3: Empath’s Sensitivities and Gifts
Empathic Sensitivities
Sensory Overload
Mental and Emotional Issues
Physical Problems
Other People Problems
 The Gifts of the Empath
Career and Profession
Personal Relationships
Community
Self-Awareness
Chapter 4: Empaths and Other People
Energy Vampires
Narcissists and the Like
Surrounding Yourself with Likeminded People
Chapter 5: Developing Your Empath Skills
Good Listening and Boundaries
Poor Listening and Lack of Boundaries
Good Listening and Boundaries
Empowering a Person While Empowering Yourself
Steps to Empowering Someone
Steps to Empowering Yourself
Grounding, Clearing, and Realizing
Listen to Your Intuition
Chapter 6: Emotional Mastery
Emotional Challenges for the Empath
Steps to Emotional Mastery: The Formula
Identify
Appreciate
Understand
Awareness
Action
 Gratitude
Chapter 7:Accepting the Gifts of Empathy
Chapter 8:Empathy Ongoing: Your Tools at a
Glance
Step 1: Know Your Sensitivities
Step 2: Know Your Gifts
Step 3: Remember Who Is Most Challenging for
You
Step 4: Good Listening and Boundaries
Step 5: Empowerment
Step 6: Grounding, Clearing, Realizing
Step 7: Intuition
Step 8: Identify + Appreciate Understanding =
Awareness x Action Gratitude
Conclusion
 
Narcissistic Abuse
 
Introduction
Malignant Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
Syndrome
Chapter 1: Recognizing the Malignant Narcissist
Meet David
Taking a Deeper Look
Famous Narcissists
Politics – Donald Trump & Adolph Hitler
 Entertainment – Mariah Carey and Kanye West
Religion – Jim Jones (The People’s Temple)
Are All Narcissists Bad?
Benign Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality
Disorder
Other Ways to Identify a Narcissist
Listen to Their Stories
Just Ask
Chapter 2: How Narcissists Work
Nature or Nurture
Manipulation
Gaslight Is More Than Just a Movie
Beware the Flying Monkey
The Uses of Anger
You Can’t Always Get What You Want (But You
Get What You Need)
Protecting the Ego
All You Need is Love
The Honeymoon Period
When the Honeymoon Ends
Good at Romance – Bad at Love
Chapter 3: Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
A Three-Stage Pattern of Abuse
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Trauma Bonding with a Narcissist
Signs of Trauma Bonding
 Case Study: Brad and Janet
Do You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
Chapter 4: Narcissism in Families
Meet Daisy
Narcissistic Parents
How Could a Mother Do This?
This Treatment Affected Daisy and Ellen in
Different Ways
Raising Narcissistic Children
Everybody Gets a Trophy
Social Media and Narcissism
Personality Development and Narcissism
The Narcissist – The Bully
Character Traits that Point to a Potential Bully
Don’t Raise a Narcissist
Dealing with Narcissistic Siblings
Yes, They Really Are Out to Get You
Things Don’t Change in Adulthood
Coping with Narcissistic Siblings or Parents
Chapter 5: Narcissism in Relationships
Meet Lana
How a Narcissist Sees Relationships
Falling for a Narcissist
Do You Love a Narcissist?
The Threatening Narcissist
Making it Work with a Narcissist
Chapter 6: Escaping the Narcissist
Meet Tasha
Why is it So Hard to Leave?
Making Your Exit
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse
Chapter 7: Recovering After Narcissistic Abuse
Recovering from the Narcissistic Parent
Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship
Conclusion
  
Manipulation Psychology
 

How to Manipulate and Influence People

Using Empath Skills. The Complete
Beginner’s Guide to Learn the Best
Persuasion Techniques and Avoid
Manipulation in Relationships
 
 
 
 

By
Brandon Dark
 Introduction
 

Evolution is regarded as a central survival tool that

enables creatures to not only survive but also thrive
under certain prevailing conditions. Of all creatures,
humans are perhaps the most adaptive to their
environments given their superior intellect. Unlike
other organisms that rely solely on changes from
within to adapt to the environment, human beings
have the unique capacity to alter their environment to
suit their needs. This capacity to alter the
environment can be stretched as far as manipulating
others to inadvertently do their bidding. This poses a
significant threat to the much-treasured freedoms that
ought to be enjoyed by all without external influence.
 
This book looks to shine a light on such schemers
who look to apply manipulation psychology to
influence others to act in a different way from how
they would if they were completely uninfluenced. It
is important to note that manipulation may present
itself in many different ways and thus the need to be
aware of some of the general tactics that
manipulators use. It is not only used to elicit certain
reactions from people, but it can also be used to
speed up, slow down or terminate other people’s
actions depending on the manipulators' needs. As
such, virtually everyone is susceptible to the
schemer’s ways and we all need to up our guards.
 
This may be your first step into the schemers' mind,
but a very good one at that. This book is however
intended for information purposes only and the
author bears no responsibility for how its teachings
may be applied. However, the book will provide a
wealth of knowledge on several topics about
manipulative psychology. For ease of understanding
the manipulation tactics discussed will be broken
down into related topics on where they are applied.
This is done so that you will be able to appreciate the
scope of manipulations in our day to day lives. Every
effort was made to ensure it is full of as much useful
information as possible, please enjoy it!
 
 Chapter 1: Manipulation in Relationships
 

This is perhaps the most common type of

manipulation there is. The reason is that people who
are in a relationship tend to trust each other too much
to the extent of being blind to the schemes of each
other. This is why it is not uncommon to find people
who are being constantly pestered by friends to get
out of certain relationships while they themselves
seem utterly oblivious of what is going on. This must
not be taken to mean that manipulation only occurs
among couples. As you will see as you go through
this chapter, this cannot be further from the truth.
Manipulation occurs in virtually all types of
acquaintances—however intimate they may be.
 
While most of such influence is deemed negative
from the way that they subvert people’s freedom
without their knowledge, it is important to note at this
point that such influence is not always negative.
Sometimes it is done out of love or to elicit certain
desirable behaviors from people. This chapter will
discuss influence in relationships, focusing on both
the negative and the positive side of the same. The
specific relationships that will be addressed include
marriages, siblings, parents, children, and that of
friends.
 
Manipulation in Marriages
That love is blind is a very common saying. It has its
foundation from the very widely accepted book, the
Bible. This saying alone has many implications
regarding the topic of manipulation and how the
same may have the perfect conditions to grow in
relationships where there is love. First and foremost,
it implies that even when the schemes of a
manipulator fail or are discovered by the potential
victim, they will most likely be viewed through the
blind eye of love and be chalked down as a minor
mistake. For this reason, under these conditions, it
will be very difficult for a regular victim of
unsolicited influence to notice regular trends of the
same.
 
As such, they may never be able to react accordingly
to correct the situations and may, therefore, wind up
living as unknowing slaves forever at the mercy of
their manipulators. At this point, it is necessary to
discuss some of the specific tactics used by married
couples to influence one another. You will notice that
some of the tactics used will be replicated in some or
even all of the other forms of acquaintances that will
be discussed.
 

Seduction
Couples are often drawn into one another by a strong
force of attraction. Although this is a good thing, it
can be used as a way to manipulate others.
Depending on the skill of the manipulator, seduction
can be a very powerful tool and a very subtle one at
that too. It may begin through veiled suggestions or
criticisms that go rewarded very elaborately by acts
of romance whenever they are heeded by the
unsuspecting victims. This is a common form of
positive reinforcement masked as acts of intimacy.
 
More often than not, the people being manipulated
through seduction seldom realize that they have
much-diminished control over their actions. This is
because a skilled manipulator would not make it so
obvious that their acts of romance and intimacy are
entirely pegged on the other parties’ conformity with
their personal wishes. This means that they would
bend over backward to please a skilled influencer
without the slightest idea of why they are doing so.
Even more compelling is the fact that a seductive
manipulator who has perfected his or her art is bound
to at the top of his game.

For this reason, the romance and intimacy sessions

aimed at manipulation would be very intense to the
level of making the recipient virtually helpless to
such advancements. It is little wonder then, that some
of the deepest and darkest secrets have been brought
to light through the skillful art of seduction. Actually,
one of the worst spies this world has ever seen was a
woman seductress by the name of Mata Hari. She
was an exotic dancer during the First World War era
and was convicted in France for spying for Germany.
 
Mata Hari was a well-known seductress who had
perfected her art. She had affairs with generals and
other high-ranking military officials and successfully
manipulated them into divulging closely guarded
secrets pertaining to the war. It is clear that seduction
as a manipulation technique is an old one and that it
keeps on evolving with time. If it was so successful
in the First World War era, with an exotic dancer
manipulating strangers, who are we to say just how
potent it can be for couples who have known each
other for a long time.
 

The Silent Treatment

Human beings are not solitary beings and do not
often do very well where there is no affection from
others. As such, we are constantly looking for
approval from our partners on virtually everything
we do. When the said approval is not forthcoming,
we often feel at a loss as we experience a dip in self-
esteem and self-worth. Most people in relationships
have either experienced or practiced the silent
treatment in a bid to elicit certain relationships from
their better halves.
 
This may seem like a rather childish maneuver but
you will be surprised at the frequency with which it is
used. Even more surprising would be the success rate
of this infantile move.
Just like most of the other tools of psychological
manipulation, the application of the silent treatment
can be done in two ways. The first is straightforward
as suggested by the title. This is when a partner in a
relationship becomes intentionally withdrawn from
the other when he or she feels that the other partner
has done something wrong. One telltale sign that you
are the recipient of the silent treatment is when a
usually talkative partner suddenly has nothing to say
whenever he or she is in your company. To be certain
that you are the target of this reaction, you will notice
that the person’s talkative demeanor remains
unchanged when he is with friends or other people.
 
A variation of the application of the silent treatment
can be viewed as its positive reinforcement variation.
This is when a spouse showers their other half with
extra attention as a means of validating a particular
action of theirs. It is expected that the recipient of the
extra attention would want to keep on receiving it
and will, therefore, look to continue doing whatever
it was that led to it in the first place. Many people
may fail to see how such actions may lie in a grey
area morally speaking seeing as though both parties
involved receive something out of the arrangement.
 
While this may not pose an immediate threat to a
relationship, if left unchecked, it is bound to spiral
out of control eventually. This is because the fear of
receiving the silent treatment coupled with being
showered with affection in the case of compliance
offers a healthy set of situations for the propagation
of the psychological manipulation tactic. In addition
to this, the trait is further enhanced by the
propagator’s desire to have their way and a prolonged
history of having the same.
 

Inexplicable Rage and Throwing Tantrums

This is not a subtle psychological manipulation tactic.
It is precisely for this reason that not many people
consider is an influential tactic at all. However, a
closer examination will reveal that it can also be used
as a manipulation tactic and can be a very strong one
too. Many couples wind up in therapy for this very
reason. It is important to mention at this point that
acts of inexplicable rage and tantrum-throwing can
be propagated without the intention of the propagator.
This is to say that some people are just wired to be
short-tempered and that their temperament can go a
long way in influencing the actions of others.
 
The success of this manipulation tactic is largely
based on fear. This is because it is often accompanied
by violence whenever a person feels that his needs
are not met. A big percentage of the victims of such
arrangements are females since they are mostly
overpowered by their violent spouses. Many people
may disregard this as a manipulative tactic by
arguing that the victims almost always know that
they are doing things out of fear or coercion.
However, when you consider that after some time,
the victims are likely to start anticipating the
reactions of their spouses and acting early to avoid
them; it becomes clearer why it can be considered a
manipulative tactic.
 
What is surprising about this tactic and its victims is
how they are often reluctant to come forward and
speak about the abuses that they face. Sometimes
these victims even go out of their way to protect the
perpetrators of these heinous acts and in this way
making it difficult to access help.
 
Manipulation Among Parents and Children
There is a lot of manipulation that goes on in a family
setting. Parents need to raise their children with their
desired ideals and children require the attention of
their parents. This requirement makes it necessary to
use certain psychological manipulation skills that will
ensure that every party involved comes out satisfied.
It is noteworthy that not all techniques of influence
that exist among children and their parents are
voluntary. Some of them, especially those used by
children on their parents are honed over time from a
very young age as will be discussed in this chapter.
 
Another point to note is that such manipulations
within the family setting can be two-sided. Some of
them are done with the best intentions at heart and
therefore end up doing more good than harm whereas
others are done to drive hidden selfish agendas. The
former mostly refers to those tactics used by parents
whereas the latter has more to do with how children
manipulate their parents. A perfect example that is
common to this effect is when a child feigns injury or
illness to get out of performing chores or even going
to school. Such a child is aware full well that the
parent would be so concerned and may not suspect
that the injury was being feigned in the first place.
 
The two-sided nature of familial and all other forms
of psychological influence makes it hard to endorse it
as a positive thing or dismiss it completely for its
inhibitory nature to real freedom and free-will. As
such, the best that can be done in gauging the same
would be to try and understand the motive behind it.
An example is if a parent employs the guilt tactic that
will be discussed to try and get their child to make
the right decisions in life, say, lay off drug abuse. Can
such an influence be written off as an infringement
on the child’s freedom and personal space?
Absolutely not.
 

Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is a manipulation tactic that is
virtually as old as time itself. It is so as a result of its
overly simplistic nature. It is common to reward
someone for something that he or she does that is
considered good. The rewards are usually meant to
encourage the commitment of the same positive acts
that warranted them. This is because if the reward is
deemed acceptable or desirable by the recipient, they
would strive to continue doing what they did in the
hope of receiving another in the future. A good
example is when a parent buys a present for a child in
recognition of good performance in school.
Another reason why rewards can be used to elicit
positive behavior is the fact that they can be viewed
as recognition for jobs well done. It is for this reason
that certain award ceremonies are often carried out in
publicized events as an act of public recognition.
This renders the wish to attain future rewards a non-
issue in inspiring positive behaviors. This is to say
that public recognition for good work may be all it
takes to bring about an effective positive
reinforcement.
 
As explained, most manipulative psychology
techniques can be used either positively or
negatively. So does positive reinforcement, despite its
seemingly misleading name. This means that one can
positively reinforce negative behaviors.
Unfortunately, this happens in a lot of family settings
a lot more than many people would care to admit.
One common manifestation of the same has its roots
embedded right from the period that a child is born,
through infancy and even during later stages of the
child’s life. It goes by several names and in many
different variations.
 
At its most basic form, it is known by many as
parental instincts. This is when a parent forms an
almost supernatural connection to their children right
from when they are infants and the same is
propagated towards the child’s life. It is an expected
attachment, and a healthy one at that, except for the
fact that some parents feel the overwhelming urge to
protect their children from everything, even when
they are wrong. Often, it begins with seemingly
innocent statements such as “Who has angered my
little angel? Let’s go get him.” Or pacifying acts
towards children such as giving them treats even
when they don’t deserve.
Such activities, although they stem from a good
place, are bound to create a sense of entitlement
among children. If this is let to go on long enough,
the child subjected to such overprotection from
parents is likely to grow up to be a spoilt kid. It is
clear from this description that positive reinforcement
is a manipulation tool that can bring about negative
results within the family.
 

Negative Reinforcement
Negative reinforcement, just like the positive one, is
also a manipulation tactic that is as old as time. It is
common to punish people for wrongdoing as a
deterrent for similar activities in the future. This is
the reason why there are several correctional and
detention facilities for just this purpose. Parents also
use negative reinforcements to elicit certain reactions
from their kids. However, the main reason why most
parents use negative reinforcement on their children
is to stop them from doing certain things as opposed
to causing them to do others. Positive reinforcement
is the aptest for the latter reason.
 
Just like was the case with positive reinforcement,
this type of reinforcement can be used for both
positive and negative reasons. This means that it can
be used to bring about positive results as well as
negative ones. It is clear from its name that negative
reinforcement is mainly used as a deterrent. For
instance, when a child breaks certain rules enforced
by parents, it is expected that parents would
implement some punitive measures to deter the child
from breaking the rules a second time. The fear of a
similar punishment in the future is certain to make
the child think twice from breaking the rule again in
the future.
 

Guilt
This is another tactic that is often used by parents to
cause their children to do certain things or to cause
them to stop doing others. It is often preferred where
negative reinforcement proves ineffective or cannot
be applied. A good example of a situation where
negative reinforcement may prove ineffective is
when the child is grown and now lives independently
from his or her parents. Seeing as though a child in
this situation may no longer need much from the
parents, it may prove difficult for them to implement
negative reinforcement for certain behavior that they
deem unbecoming of their child. In the worst-case
scenario, negative reinforcements under such
circumstances may even cause the child to run away
from home or to cut ties with the parents.
 
There is a better way that parents employ when
dealing with such children. This is one of guilt. It is
common for children to have some level of affection
and appreciation towards their parents. The levels of
this affection and appreciation vary from child to
child depending on the relationship that exists
between the two parties involved. However, there is
always a way that parents can use such relationships
to their advantage, and believe me, they do so quite
frequently.
 
For instance, how many times did your parents tell
you how lucky you have it by relating some of the
ways in which their childhoods were a lot tougher
than yours? How many times did they tell you how
hard they worked in school, in a bid to get you to up
your grades? How about how they grew up in
poverty but made it anyway when you requested
something that they consider as an unnecessary
luxury? All these are scenarios where parents use
guilt to influence their children to do something or to
elicit a certain behavior. At this point, it is clear that
all of us have been victims at one point or another to
clever parental ploys of using guilt as a manipulative
tool.
 

Defiance
In a family setting, defiance as a manipulative tool is
largely the domain of children. In protest against
some of their parents’ actions, children have been
observed to portray acts of blatant defiance. Although
this behavior is rampant among teenagers and
adolescents, it has also been noted among younger
children, even in toddlers. An example of this is
when for the need of a mother’s attention, a toddler
shoves a glass or other objects off the table to the
ground. Another one is such as after having been left
alone for some time, the young child cries incessantly
and cannot be calmed by anything.
 
It is clear from this example that defiance is in human
nature. However, the same trait can be magnified or
diminished depending on how a child is brought up.
It is only after hitting adolescence that the true scope
of the defiance can be ascertained. It is common at
this age to hear parents complaining that their
children are no longer the sweet little angels that they
knew or that their children had turned into complete
strangers overnight. Usually, the defiant child begins
portraying erratic behaviors which, deep-down, are
meant to draw their parent’s attention. An example is
when a previously obedient girl dyes her hair or gets
a piercing she knows will be frowned upon by her
parents.
 
Others may begin to indulge in drugs or begin
hanging out with the company that their parents don’t
approve of. More often than not, for the fear of
allowing such defiance to deteriorate any further,
such parents are forced to compromise and bend to
the will of their manipulative children. However, it is
important to note that always giving in to such
pressures from children can backfire when they resort
to the same tactics over and over again. It is therefore
important to find other means of addressing the said
defiance. Some of them are discussed in a later
chapter on how to deal with manipulations.
 
Manipulation in Friendship
It is common to hear people saying that trust is a hard
thing to come by and that it is earned the hard way.
What is not often addressed along with this statement
is how easily people betray the trust that they take so
much time building. The most cunning people of this
lot would betray a person’s trust without the betrayed
ever suspecting anything. They are merely reduced to
puppets dancing to other people’s tunes without the
least bit of suspicion. It is in this area that
manipulation in friendships reigns supreme. A
common term for this manipulation is ‘use’—where a
person would accuse another of using them to
advance their personal selfish agenda.
 
The key to success in any form of manipulation is
stealth, patience, and a good plan. These qualities
alone show that manipulation is a lot like an
elaborate game of chess where one player holds all
the pieces and makes all the moves for the other
oblivious player. It is obvious from this analogy that
one player is set to lose from the beginning and may
never even find out that they were played in the first
place. The same keen mind that is required to beat a
worthy chess opponent is the very same one that will
be required to identify, let alone beat a scheming
manipulator. A true schemer would have so many
tricks up his sleeve, some of which are discussed
below in the context of friendship.
 

Unsolicited Compliments
One well-established way of getting into one’s good
graces is to pay them an unsolicited compliment.
This tactic has and continues to be in used in many
different ways. Say for instance you want a favor of
access to a particular office without booking a prior
appointment. It may do you some good to
compliment the nice dress or the nice hairdo of the
secretary sitting behind her desk outside the office. If
you approach her looking all formal and business-
like, chances are that she would send you back with
an obvious ‘You need to get an appointment first.’
However, a well-placed compliment may get your
audience with the boss, or a fast-tracked
appointment. You will be surprised at how such a
small gesture may do wonders.
 
If it can work for a total stranger, imagine how it
would do for someone you are acquainted with, for
instance in our case, a trusted friend. A good
influencer would know better than to just blurt out a
request, even if it is to a very close friend, without
first setting the stage for its acceptance. Such an
influencer would first indulge in small talk, show you
how he or she is interested in your affairs, throw in a
flattering compliment here and there, and then finally
make their request. By the time they do this, you will
have no option but to acquiesce to their request.
 
Unsolicited Rewards
An unsolicited reward is even better than an
unsolicited compliment as a tool for psychological
manipulation. This is much more potent because a
physical reward would instill in the recipient a very
strong feeling of the need to reciprocate the kind
gesture. Believe it or not, it is human nature not to
want to be indebted to someone. Psychological
manipulators would know this and recognize it as a
perfect tool to manipulate others. A good example of
the tactic in action is such as by insisting on picking
up the check or the tab or a colleague bringing you an
extra cup of coffee just the way you like it.
 
Many may not see the obligatory sense in this and
may argue that since such a reward was unsolicited,
there is absolutely no obligation to reciprocate it.
However, the urge to reciprocate cannot be
overemphasized. This has been proven on many
occasions, even in business settings as will be
demonstrated in the chapter on manipulation in
business. It is important to learn that the nature and
magnitude of the reciprocation action in this situation
are not always informed by the initial reward. This is
to say that a small gesture or token has the potential
of triggering another that is so much bigger and far
more significant.
 
To demonstrate this using the examples listed,
suppose you are running for an elective supervisory
role at the office and your colleagues are to decide
through voting who gets to occupy the position. The
simple cup of coffee along with a well-placed
compliment might go a long way in swaying a
colleague to vote your way. Here, the compliment
would serve as a polite gesture of you warming up to
him and the cup of coffee would instill in the
unsuspecting colleague a feeling of being beholden to
you. It is clear that a mere compliment and a cup of
coffee are by no means close in magnitude to a vote
to a supervisory role. This is a mere demonstration of
just how far the power of rewards can be used to
drive one’s agendas in a subtle way.
 

A Friend in Need
Absurd as it may sound, helplessness is sometimes
power. Only the most experienced manipulators are
able to capitalize on this. By seeming to be helpless
and completely at your mercy, certain people are able
to trick others into dancing to their tunes. So the
question is; do you have someone in your life, a
relative or a friend, who seems to always be in need
of your help in doing something? This may be a
manipulator in disguise, a needy tycoon, and a
helpless giant. Caution must, however, be exercised
lest you tag a genuinely needy friend a manipulator.
 
A manipulator in need will form close ties with you,
always making sure to inform you how appreciative
he or she is of your help. Such people are often so
good in soliciting help from and often even come
across as being genuinely polite in how they make
their requests. The unsuspecting victims are left with
no option but to agree to help them. This may not
seem like a very sophisticated way of manipulation
but depending on how it is applied, it can be one.
Crucial alibis have been falsified and others forged
where unsuspecting victims of the friend in need
swear upon their lives the innocence of the clever
masterminds.
 
Often, the needy friend will make your decisions for
you before you have the chance to decide. Statements
such as ‘If it weren’t for you, I don’t know what I
would do,’ or ‘I know I can count on you for this
small favor…’ make it very difficult for a target to
refuse the needy friend’s requests.
 

The Good Snake

As the name suggests, these are people who are very
sly and are good at hiding this fact. A good snake
would cause you to clash with someone by fanning
enmity between both sides then take your side during
the argument or clash. As such, they succeed in
blinding others from their treachery and present
themselves as loyal friends. It is very easy to trust
such people when they themselves won’t hesitate for
a second to sell you out to drive their secret agendas.
 
In most cases, the good snake does what he does
when he has an angle to gain from having a good
rapport with you. This tactic can be viewed as an
advanced stage of the unsolicited reward seeing as
though they are always quick to take your side;
hence, making you feel indebted to them. In so doing,
the good snakes essentially disarm their targets from
shooting down any and all of their requests after
taking their sides.
 
It is obvious that this kind of manipulation tactic only
has a negative side to it. This is clear because the
propagators hold all the cards from the word go.
Their help, even though given apparently freely, is
not genuine. This is because they are often the
originators of the problems in the first place. With
extra caution in dealing with people, it is possible to
identify and avoid falling into ploys of such
characters as will be shown in a later chapter.
 
The Deflector
The deflector is never to blame for anything that goes
wrong. This is at least from his point of view. He is
always the victim of circumstances and the
environment around him. Deflectors have perfected
the art of deflecting blame away from them. As such,
it is always very difficult to win an argument with
them. This is because they will find a way to change
the conversation or twist it and turn you into the bad
guy before you get a chance to make your point. A
deflector will shift blame to the accuser using
everything he has. In the end, he ends up disorienting
everyone involved by masking the truth,
misrepresenting facts, or changing topics.
 Chapter 2: Manipulation in Business
 

The best marketing plan for any business is to find

out customer preferences and deliver it. This way,
such a business ends up promoting customer loyalty,
and also increases customer references as a way of
advertising. The values that most customers hold dear
are easy to identify since they are almost universal.
These include but are not limited to; best quality
goods, good customer service, affordability, and other
customer incentives such as loyalty discounts and
flexible return policies. It would be in a good sense
for any company to try and abide by these and other
customer preferences. However, this is not always the
case.
 
Company priorities may not be in sync with customer
preferences. This is because often, the central goal
for most businesses is to widen their profit margins
as much as possible. As such, paying so much
attention to their customer preferences may prove
counterproductive. This is because producing the best
quality products at low prices while offering good
loyalty discounts may not make for the best business
strategy. It is for this reason that many business
holders have developed clever ways of ‘tricking’
their customers so that everyone goes home satisfied.
 
Advertising and miscommunication is often the area
of target in manipulating clients. A well-designed
advert holds the potential of significantly increasing
the sales of a particular product. As a matter of fact, a
well-executed advert can have the capacity of
causing you to purchase something which you had no
prior plan of purchasing. Such manipulation schemes
are often executed in batches. This is to say that it is
rare to have a single fool-proof plan to sway
customers, but rather, separate methods are executed
in conjunction with each other in order to achieve the
best results.
 
The methods through which business people
manipulate their clients are numerous. While some
may be considered prudent business measures, others
border on the downright shady and illegal. Some
business owners have been known to pull no stops in
their efforts to milk the clients of their bottom
dollars. As such it is important to learn how some of
these methods are used, how to spot a manipulative
businessman, and best of all, how not to fall prey to
their scheming minds and tactics.
 
Persuasive Advertising (Misleading)
In business, there are two types of advertising. The
first kind is the straightforward type where what you
hear or perceive is what you get. This is the honest
type of advertising that is void of any trickery or
manipulation of potential buyers. Seldom this type of
advertising brings profits in the form of improved
sales. This is because customers need to be given
reasons why they want to buy an item rather than just
being given the specifications of various items. This
is where the second type of advertising (persuasive)
comes in. This section will deal with the different
types of persuasive advertising and give common
examples of instances of the same.
 

Non-Specific Type
How many times have you run into adverts that are
seemingly very attractive but are non-specific when
you consider them deeply? Such adverts are usually
connected with post-purchase advantages of various
items. A good example that I am sure you have come
into or will in the future is “Buy this item and benefit
from a ten percent discount and an extended
warranty.” I have no problem with the first part of the
advert. In fact, it seems genuine enough as a result of
its specificity. However, the part on the extended
warranty is where my problem with the advert lies.
Just what is this extended warranty? It would have
been much more helpful to specify in the advert the
exact amount of time covered by the warranty.
 
You will be surprised to learn the extent of such and
other forms of treachery in adverts. Other examples
you might find to this effect are; “this product has a
long shelf-life,” or “Buy this item at a now reduced
price of…” Both of these statements are certainly
appealing but non-informative. They would be far
more informative and trustworthy if they were more
specific. The first one, for instance, should have
expressed the shelf-life in exact time while the
second one should have stated the initial price of the
item. Although not all advert statements similar to
these are designed to mislead, a significant number of
them are.
 
The primary targets for such adverts are those
shoppers who may be in a hurry to purchase items.
Specifically, they target those people who may not be
loyal to any brands and are therefore dependent on
adverts to make their choices. When you are in a
hurry and have to purchase something, it would make
perfect sense to settle for the one with the “extended
warranty and shelf-life” even though you may not
have a clue just how extended they are.
 
Pricing
Believe it or not, but how items are priced can be
used as a manipulative tool to dictate purchasing
tendencies. You may disagree with this statement by
arguing that goods are priced based primarily on their
value. You will not be wrong from this argument but
yours would be a rather myopic view of how
business is conducted. This is because the values that
people attach to items vary from one person to
another and so does the financial abilities of
individuals. A good businessman is able to appraise a
potential buyer and adjust accordingly.
 
This is to say that a prudent business person may not
treat everyone that walks into his or her store the
same way. Take for instance a situation where an
obviously well to do business executive walks into an
electrical outlet looking to buy a television set. The
first selling points regarding such a person would be
his general demeanor and his dress code. These two
things alone would be enough to tell the salesperson
where to begin the tour on the available sets.
 
Take another instance where your average Joe walks
into the same store also looking to buy a television
set. For better comparison, let us assume that the
store is bent on pushing a particular brand for
different purposes. Just like was the case with the
first customer, there are some indicators that will act
as the selling points for the customer’s financial
ability, tastes, and preferences. What then, is a good
salesperson to do if they are to sell the two very
different customers the same item?
 
There are several different marketing strategies that
have been tested and proven to work. You just have
to pick the right one depending on the potential client
and the prevailing circumstances. I will take you
through how both clients may be ‘driven’ into
purchasing the same model despite their obvious
financial differences. The success of the same is to be
taken as an example to just how manipulative
salespeople can be without the slightest suspicion of
their victims.
 
It is obvious that the first client, a business executive,
has tastes that are bound to rhyme with his financial
status. As such, an observant salesperson would
know straight away that such an individual would be
looking to buy the best television set there is. For his
case, money may not be an issue when it comes to
deciding which set to go home with. He would most
likely also accept all the extra accessories and
installation services that come at an extra cost.
Knowing this, a salesperson may be tempted to take
him straight to the set they intend to sell seeing as
though he has the capacity to buy it without any
qualms. This would be a wrong move. The first rule
of business is to always ensure that the customer
leaves the store feeling like they had a good bargain
especially when the opposite is true.
 
Given that money is a non-issue for the first client,
how else would a good salesperson make him feel
like he is getting a good bargain? He would capitalize
on his tastes. The best action would be to take him
through a series of television sets that are obviously
inferior to the intended sale and yet ridiculously
overpriced. At this stage, the overpricing of the
inferior sets acts as a trap for the asking price for the
intended sale. Naturally, a client of his caliber would
want to know if there are any better, perhaps bigger
television sets in the store. This is when the
salesperson moves in for the kill.
 
He introduces him to the set that has been his target
set to sell all this time. Compared to the rest of the
initial sets, the last one is sure to impress the
unsuspecting potential buyer. This is because it
would be larger, more powerful and appealing
relative to the mediocre ones he had seen before.
Again, the asking price will have been inflated both
as a tactical maneuver and a lucrative business
strategy. The salesperson would be quick to assure
the buyer that he is getting value for his money and
thus the high asking price would appeal to him as
value and class.
 
For the second client, a similar approach would be
employed. The only difference this time is that it
would be done in an inverted manner. It must be clear
that for such clients, a good bargain would be to get
the best set they can afford for as little money as
possible. It might, therefore, backfire to introduce
them to the smaller, cheaper, and less powerful sets
before moving in for the kill. For this second type of
clients, an entirely different set of rules apply.
 
First, the salesperson would take them to bigger,
more expensive sets than the intended sale. Again,
the prices of these sets would be inflated as a trap just
like in the first case. Obviously, these sets would be
way out of range for such a client and he would ask
to be shown cheaper sets that are more to his price
range. This is when he is taken to the target sale.
Relative to the pricing of the initial ones he had been
shown, this television set would seem cheap to your
average Joe. This is despite the fact that the asking
price might still be high or even inflated a bit for that
matter. Under the circumstances, the client is likely to
accept this set.
 
However, if the target sale is still out of the client’s
price range, there are yet other tactics that can be
used to win him over. This includes offering that he
could make the payments in small installments over a
specified time period. This, of course, would mean
that they would ultimately pay more, which is still a
big plus for the store. Having seen just how
manipulative business people can be from these two
examples, rest assured that this is just the tip of the
iceberg and that there are a lot of different more ways
to politely arm-twist unsuspecting clients.
 
Free Samples
You may have wondered before just how those
businesses with free samples for anyone who cares
make their profits. Well, worry no more. This next
section will put your mind at ease regarding this
issue. The art of offering free samples borrows
heavily on a matter that has been discussed before
and one that will be discussed in finer details at a
later chapter. This is the issue of reciprocation. As
stated earlier, it is in human nature to abhor being
indebted to others. This means that to want to give
back to those that have given us is in our very core as
humans.
 
To recognize this human characteristic is one issue
and to apply it successfully in business is another.
Blind application of free sampling has the potential
of driving a business to the ground. As such, we need
to look at just how those who manage to apply it
successfully do it. This tactic requires skill and
manipulation for the best results. The first thing you
are bound to notice when you are at a free sample
stand is that the vendor is always talkative and in a
good mood.
 
Outside a minimart where I used to shop sometime
back in my previous neighborhood, there was this
woman, whom I later came to know as Margaret,
who used to sell popcorns in a stand. For any
customer that walked out of the minimart, she would
offer free samples of her popcorn in her customary
jovial and talkative mood. I recall the first time I fell
for her charm very vividly. I had my hands full of
grocery bags and was heading to my car, barely able
to see a few steps ahead. “May I?” she said, as she
extended a hand to help me with some of my bags.
Before I could reply, she had reached and grabbed the
largest one, greatly putting me at ease. “Thanks” I
mumbled and began strolling in the direction of my
car which was a few feet away. Having put the bags
away, I turned to thank her once more but she was
already heading back to her stall.
 
I was curious as to her warm-hearted nature and
found myself strolling to her stand where she
promptly offered me a free sample of her popcorn.
As I munched away, she talked away explaining
some of the different popcorn flavors she served.
Finally, she handed me a paper towel and asked
politely what I thought of her merchandise. I was
baited without knowing. Her act of unsolicited help
—coupled with the free sample—was enough to
make me a customer forever, even during the times
when I was not particularly inclined towards
popcorn. From that day onward, I never visited the
store without buying popcorn from the woman. And
guess what, having been a customer once, I never
required nor received another free sample.
 
So, just what made Margaret so successful in
employing the free sampling strategy in her business?
The first step is to choose a convenient spot. By
setting up her stand outside the minimart, Margaret
showed that she understood this full well. This way,
customers would most likely have money to spare for
popcorn. The second bait employed by Margaret was
her charm and warm personality. This made it very
difficult for people to refuse her free samples and
therefore effectively setting them up to buy more in
the future. The paper towels and her talkative nature
were just icings on her elaborate cake. At this point, a
sampler would be led to think that Margaret had gone
into too much trouble to offer the free sample and
therefore it would be rude to leave without making a
purchase.
 
Threat of Loss
A common advertising statement is a call for people
to hurry and make their purchases ‘while stocks last.’
A keen eye and a sharp mind should be able to see
through such business lingo and interpret them for
the nonsense they are. The first question you should
ask yourself when you come across such an advert is;
why on earth would an advert be required for a fast-
selling item that is about to run out? Why not just let
the stocks run out now that it is fast selling? The
answer, of course, is that the item is not selling as fast
as they make it seem or that there is no risk of it
running out any time soon. In fact, the opposite may
just be true. That there is an oversupply of the same
in the market and they are just trying to bolster their
sales.
 
So why do business people use such statements in
their adverts despite the obvious flaws in them? The
answer is quite simple really. There is a sense of
urgency that is created at the point of imminent loss.
This implies that people are bound to make impulsive
decisions the minute they realize that time is running
out. It is not always that this strategy works, but rest
assured that its success rate is significant if not
impressive. If it weren’t, how would you explain
phenomena such as sales of artists or authors
skyrocketing posthumously? A good example of this
effect was the aftermath of the death of the famous
pop star Michael Jackson. His record sales hit an all-
time high the period following his passing. To
explain this crazy sale, one might chalk it down to
the same impulsive buying that is common at the
threat of a loss.
 
The same threat of loss works so well in other forms
of advertising too. More often than not, people will
react to threats of losses more than they will to the
promise of gain. This is something that business
people know very well and have turned it into a very
potent manipulative tool. This is the reason why you
are more likely to hear messages like “you stand to
lose a lot if you don’t go this route” than “you will
gain this much if you go this way.”
 
Capitalizing on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Maslow categorized the needs of individuals into
three main groups. The first groups represent the
basic needs such as shelter, food, and clothing which
everyone must have at some fundamental level. At
the next level are the social needs where people aim
to fit into a certain social class. This desire to fit in is
often expressed in mimicking other people who
belong to that particular class. This is because human
beings are social beings who thrive in social groups.
At the final stage of needs come psychological needs.
Quite a few people often transcend the initial two
stages of basic and social needs to actually arrive at
this final stage.
 
A good business person will understand how
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs works and structure his
or her business accordingly. The main target category
of needs to this effect is often the social needs.
Discussed below are some ways businesspeople
capitalize on this gem of knowledge.
 
Selling Brands
It is expected that whenever you go shopping, there
are a few brands that you will definitely stick to. This
might be because you’ve personally tried them out
and they perfectly suit your needs. If this is the case,
then, by all means, go ahead and buy them every time
you need a refill of the same. This is, in fact, a good
thing since this will mean that you are getting exactly
what you want. However, there are some people who
choose to buy things simply because others do so.
This is the target group that is most vulnerable to
business manipulators.
 
A few years ago, I had an opportunity to visit a long
friend in his home country Kenya. While there, I
witnessed brand selling at its best. We were stuck in
traffic when some roadside vendors approached the
vehicle we were traveling in and began selling their
merchandise through the windows. The vehicle was a
matatu, a popular public service van that sat fourteen
passengers at once. We occupied two seats close to
the back and we're at a good vantage point to observe
everything that was going on. I noticed that the main
commodity that the vendors sold was water. This
came mostly in two brands, Dasani and Keringet, as I
later came to know.
 
My friend Musa purchased two bottles of Keringet. I,
however, could help but notice that most of the other
passengers who also bought water settled for the
other brand, Dasani. After the traffic eased up and we
were once again on our way, I asked him why he
went the other way in choosing the water he bought.
He simply smiled and said, “I wasn’t willing to give
up an extra cent for the same thing.” Puzzled, I asked
him what he meant by this. He told me that the two
brands of water were actually the same, only bottled
differently by the vendors to suit their customer
needs. He happened to know the exact source of
water and where the bottling was done and he offered
to show me the next day. To my surprise, both bottles
were acquired from the county government and were
safe for consumption.
 
This puzzled me even further, “so why the lies in
packaging them different?” Musa told me that the
preferred brand was a little more expensive and
spoke to someone’s class. This was why many people
preferred it. Little did they know that they were being
duped into paying more for less. This is a classic
example of how business people can play us using
our desire to fit into a particular social status. How to
overcome this type of manipulation will be covered
in detail in a later chapter.
 

Everything is Not How They Look

While still in Nairobi with my friend Musa, I noticed
another interesting manipulation tactic that was used.
As I stated earlier, our main means of transport was
the fourteen-sitter public service vans which were
natively referred to as matatus. To board one, one had
to go to a particular terminus in town and select any
from a number of them that would be heading the
same way. They were grouped according to the
routes they operated and so the competition for
passengers was stiff.
 
It is expected that in an effort to save time, a potential
passenger is likely to settle for the vehicle which is
closest to filling. This is because this would be the
first vehicle to leave the terminus and would,
therefore, be the earliest to arrive at the desired
destination. Using this rule, we once got into a
matatu that was almost full. From the look of things,
only three more passengers and we would be good to
go. Not long after we boarded, one of the required
three passengers required to fill also boarded. Sadly,
one of those who were already sat seemed to have
forgotten something and alighted two minutes later.
 
Bad luck, but three aren’t that many, I told myself.
Less than five minutes later, another passenger got in
and so we only had two to go. Sadly again this time,
a lady in her twenties received a phone call and also
alighted. Again, we needed three more to leave. It
was not after the fifth boarding and the fifth dismount
that I realized that this was no longer just a sad
coincidence. Musa noticed my concern and offered
an explanation that had me both bewildered and
amazed. “You see all those people who have alighted
shortly after every boarding? Well, they are
professional seat warmers.” “What on earth is a
professional seat warmer?” I enquired.
 
Apparently, there were people whose job it was to sit
in the vans to trick people into believing that the
matatus they were in were nearly full. They had a
strict code to balance their exits with the entries of
the genuine passengers. By so doing, the ‘seat
warmers’ managed to maintain an image of a vehicle
that was almost full when in fact, this wasn’t the
case. In the end, I was more impressed than offended
by the ingenuity when I learned that Musa and I were
only the second and third genuine passengers to
board that day.
 
This trick is in use more times in varied ways than
you can care to believe. A good example that I have
read about before is the use of professional
customers. These are people who are paid to ‘buy’
things so as to influence real customers into buying.
Often, these professional customers are trained to use
anything at their disposal. Consider, for instance, that
you are walking downtown when you come across a
shoe department that is swarming with clients all
eager to buy a pair.
 
Your curiosity gets the better part of you and it just so
happens the first person you ask has all the answers
ready for you. The guy tells you how the store is
aiming at closing the shop to set up someplace else
and how everything being sold is generously
discounted. From this point on, there is no turning
back. You have fallen prey to one of the oldest
manipulative tactics in the books.
 Chapter 3: The Empath
 

Debates abound as to the existence of empaths. Most

people in society don’t believe that people exist who
can actually immerse themselves in other people’s
emotions and feel what they feel. This is precisely the
definition of an empath. An empath is a person that
can relate to another at a very close level, that of a
very strong emotional connection. Essentially on
some level, they may be considered mind readers
because they see what other people can’t. This is to
say that if you were to compare how a regular person
and an empath view the world, you are bound to get
two very conflicting perspectives.
 
Take for example that you come across a mother who
strikes you as rather abusive to her child. You
conclude this because of the way she treats her young
boy of about five years. She yanks him through the
streets, walking way too fast for his pace. She smacks
him once or twice when the boy momentarily loses
attention and stares at something across the street or
looks back at someone who just passed them. Her
general demeanor is shifty and suspicious. The first
thing that would cross your mind is that she is a bad
mother who has done some terrible things. This was
exactly what landed an innocent mother and her child
behind bars according to a 2009 issue of The London
Times. Apparently, she had been mistaken for a
kidnapper and thrown in jail.
 
It was later ascertained that she was the child’s
mother and was fleeing from a very abusive
relationship. After enduring years of physical and
mental abuse, she could no longer take it and was
determined to get herself and her young boy as far as
possible. To an empath, such an unfortunate mistake
could not have been possible. An empath would have
the capacity of connecting with the mother’s
emotions and forming an accurate assessment of her
plight. He or she would have felt the mother’s pain
without as much as a word from the victim.
 
So, just what causes a person to be an empath? It is
estimated that a significant percentage of the
population qualifies to be identified under the
category of highly sensitive people. Other sources
claim that close to half of all people fall under this
category. This percentage drops significantly to less
than twenty percent when it comes to empaths. One
can say that highly sensitive people (HSPs) and
empaths are cut from the same cloth since they
generally possess similar characteristics. However,
empaths are a much more superior variation of highly
sensitive people. They can feel things that HSPs
can’t.
 
There are several theories that try to explain what
causes people to develop empathic skills. There are
those who maintain that being an empath is nature
rather than nurture. This group thinks that an empath
can only be born and that no set of circumstances can
cause a person to become one. The other group of
people argues that empaths are made by
circumstances. These people hold the view that
people’s sensitivities vary depending on the
environment in which they were brought up when
they were young.
 
Most of such individuals link traumatic and stressful
experiences during childhood as the main trigger of
empathic tendencies in people later in life.
Irrespective of whether the cause is nature or nurture,
the fact that empaths walk among us remains the
same. It is healthy to think that both views are valid
and that empaths can be born or made. This is
because to date, there is no conclusive scientific
evidence to disprove or uphold one or the other.
Partial proofs are all we have regarding both views.
The truth is that sometimes when we mimic the
physical actions of others, say smiles, nods, etcetera,
we begin to experience some of their emotions
ourselves. This has been proven to be true on so
many occasions. Another example is when while
watching a sad movie, different people are affected
differently. While others may show no emotions at
all, others will be moved to the point of tears by the
same clip. This observation lends credence to those
who think that empaths can be nurtured by their
environments.
 
Skills of Empaths
Judging from the definition of an empath, it is easy to
see how most people might be misled to believe that
they are always nice people who are always
concerned about the welfare of others. However, the
truth is that to be or not to be nice to others is a
different thing completely. Although most empaths
may be nice people, there are those who may choose
to use their uncommon powers for evil. This next
section will look into some of the skills that are
possessed by empaths with the aim of trying to paint
a picture of just how powerful they may be.
 

Experts in Detecting Micro-Expressions

The 2010 TV series ‘lie to me’ captured this skill
very well. By skilled application of the talent of
detecting micro-expressions, the Lightman group
solved several mysteries and crimes. This was, of
course, all staged and none of it was real. If there are
people capable of such extraordinary powers, such
attention to fine details virtually invisible to the
common eye, these would be the empaths. An
empath can pick up on the tiniest tone variations, the
slightest shift of an eyebrow or an almost non-
existent quiver of a lip when in the company of
another.
 
It is common knowledge that such details are often
used as accurate gauges to tell the truthfulness of
what someone is saying or to weigh his thoughts or
intentions. Possession of this extraordinary skill,
therefore, lifts empaths above ordinary human beings
seeing as though they are able to pick up on things
that they can’t.
 

Ability to Emotionally Gauge and Control a

Gathering
Unlike other people, empaths possess the ability to
emotionally gauge any gathering. It sounds like
something that we all can do, doesn’t it? The answer
is no. When the rest of us use feedback such as
applause, cheers, jeers, claps, boos, and others from
the crowd to do so, an empath is perfectly capable of
doing the same for a completely silent and
unresponsive gathering. For instance, they would be
able to tell if the silent group of people is receptive,
indifferent or hostile from the first minute they set
foot in the room. This is because they are able to pick
up on the energies radiated from the individuals
within. Even better, the empath will be able to tell
who in the crowd is going through which emotions.
He or she will be able to feel their pains, happiness,
distress, or other emotions. The empath would not
only know what to say but also how to say it, to sway
the gathering their way. The full implication of this
awesome ability will be discussed later on in this
topic.
 

Intuition Before Major Turbulence

Have you ever had that premonition that sometimes
comes before something terrible happens? Or have
you ever lost a loved one and felt it before you ever
heard about it? For most people, the answers to these
questions are simple no. Still, there is a good chance
that you might have experienced one or both of these
things in the past. This does not make you an empath.
Empaths almost invariably have these premonitions
and feelings. The main variation with regular people
regarding this is that an empath would feel such even
when the proceeding turbulence does not concern
them. Again, it is clear to see how such a gift may be
useful or harmful depending on how it is applied.
Premonitions can be a very powerful tool for
manipulation.
 

Highly Creative Individuals

Empaths are very creative people. Whatever form
their creativity takes, they almost always rise to the
zenith of their professions. In many cases, the
creativity of such sensitive people leads them to
fields such as music production acting, writing
dancing or art. The reason why empaths are so
successful in such fields is that they are very
emotional people and they usually project these
emotions in whatever it is that they indulge in. Take
for example acting. A good actor must be able to
indulge his or her audience. They must be able to
‘feel’ what the actor is trying to enact or else, they
are lost in an instant. Their emotional nature means
that empaths are able to captivate their audiences in
such a manner. As a result, highly sensitive people
make such exemplary actors. The same applies to the
other forms of creativity such as music, writing or
art. The audiences of these other forms of creativity
similarly feel the emotions exuded by the empath.
 
They are Expressive with Non-Verbal Cues
With empaths, the expression actions speak louder
than words can be taken quite literally. For
communication, the average person mainly depends
on words with little help from non-verbal cues.
However, for empaths, they are just as good if not
better with non-verbal cues as they are with other
communication forms. This implies that they are a lot
better at getting information or ideas across.
 

Can Pick up on Hidden Motives

To an empath’s eye, sheep cannot hide under wolves’
skins. Their amazing ability to experience other
people’s emotions makes it very difficult for them to
miss a sinister motive—however well-hidden it may
be. This is because they have an elevated sense of
perception, not only to minute details but also to
personal emotions. Part of the reason why empaths
are built this way traces back to human’s need for
survival. As stated, one reason why empaths have
heightened senses is because of suffering a traumatic
childhood. In many cases, the kind of trauma is
violent and abusive in nature. In an effort to survive
the abuses, empaths developed a heightened sense of
their environment. They had to know from an early
age who to trust and why. Empaths know all too well
never to judge a book by its cover. They rely on
subtler signs that are in most cases excellent judges
of people’s character.
 

Can Cause People to Spill Their Deepest Secrets

Empaths have been known to possess the ability to
connect with people at a very deep level. This is
because they can actually experience whatever the
other person is going through by feeling and sharing
their emotions. For this reason, you may come across
an empath who is a total stranger and within the first
few minutes of conversing with them, you will
already be feeling as though you are talking to an old
friend. You will feel so comfortable around them
because they stir this feeling within you that they
understand you completely. Not even a close family
member can connect with you in this manner because
when empaths actually do feel your emotions, a close
family member can’t. Unless of course if they are
empaths themselves. Chances are that you will begin
divulging information that you would never dream of
telling someone else when you talk with an empath.
And what is more, is that you will feel very secure
while doing so.
 
Manipulation Using Empath Skills
Having highlighted and explained some of the
amazing skills and abilities that empaths possess, it is
necessary to look into how some of them may be
applied in manipulative psychology. As stated, not all
empaths are as nice as many may be led to presume.
After all, they too are human, and being so, are slaves
to temptations and have the shortcomings that are
common to all people. This is to say that while most
of them may be nice people, others may opt to apply
their abilities in a different manner. It is clear to see
that such empaths are bound to do a lot more harm
than the average person when they go rogue given
their unique abilities.
 
Just imagine how powerful a manipulator can be if he
can see through all your acts and pretenses, just how
vulnerable you are when your deepest emotions are
an open book to another, or when someone wields the
power to turn you into a chatterbox that spills all your
secrets by merely talking to you. Certainly, such a
person has unfathomable power over you. He or she
may choose to manipulate you in many different
ways both directly and indirectly. Many people think
that all types of manipulation are bad because it
influences people to do or believe things differently.
It is important to state here however that the nature of
manipulations doesn’t have to be negative.
Depending on the motives of the manipulator, the
outcome can be positive for the target too. Consider
the examples below to comprehend just how
empathic skills can be applied in manipulation, and
whether the results are positive or negative for the
target or the manipulator.
 

High Creativity Levels

As stated, empaths are very creative people. As such,
they have the capacity to ‘talk’ to people through
their creativity, given that they are bound to be
captivating. Take music for example. An empathic
musician will be capable of producing music that will
be loved by masses for their emotionality. Someone
with such a talent has the power to manipulate people
by the masses. To begin with, many people will cling
onto every word of their lyrics. As a result, an
empathic musician could opt to deliver any message
to the masses through their lyrics. Change,
sometimes even revolutionary, has been known to be
driven by messages embedded in such forms of
creativity. From this, it is clear that empaths possess
the capacity to bring change through different forms
of creativity.
 

Detection of Micro-Expressions
Knowing whenever or not a person is lying can be
applied towards some very serious manipulation.
Take for example a court case where the prosecution
attorney is an empath. Even before I begin, it is quite
apparent that an empathic prosecution attorney is the
last thing that a defendant can wish for. Picture a
murder case where the defendant is innocent but the
circumstantial evidence is too compelling. The jury
has to decide in the end whether to convict or release
the defendant depending on evidence provided and
how the case is argued by both sides. If an empathic
prosecutor armed with compelling circumstantial
evidence is out to hang the defendant, then the
defendant stands no chance.
 
The first assault salvo that our prosecutor will fire
would be towards the jury itself, during the opening
statement of the case. He would play on their
emotions however he chooses. This is since he would
be able to identify those among the jury who have
issues with issuing harsh sentences, those who may
have very little tolerance for capital offences, those
who may have had bad experiences with murderers
before, those who are already prejudiced about the
case, and so many other useful pieces of information
about the jury. He’s statements would be crafted to
strengthen the resolve of those among them who are
prejudiced to his side while shaking that of those
prejudiced otherwise. He would play with the
insecurities of those against capital punishments with
the aim of bringing them on board. What would make
his strategy even more potent is the fact that he
would target each member of the jury personally on
an emotional level.
 
The second and even more important round of
ammunition would be directed to the witnesses
brought by the defense. The empath's capacity to read
micro-expressions would be particularly helpful for
this round. He would dissect every witness statement
and separate the truth from the false. Having done
this, the prosecutor would then capitalize on the false
statements so as to weaken the defense’s case. If this
doesn’t do the trick, the prosecutor will call his own
witnesses as the final round of assault. He would look
to present them to the jury in the most emotionally
appealing way not only to make their statements
believable but to make them irrefutable as well.
 
To this point, it is clear that an empathic prosecutor is
hardly a fair game when it comes to trial because he
would almost always land a guilty verdict. Consider
now if the facts of the case remained constant and the
only difference is that we have an empath for the
defense attorney as opposed to the prosecutor. The
manipulation would be the same, only this time
skewed in the opposite direction. Given that the
defendant was innocent in the first place, it means
that empathic manipulation would have done some
good unlike in the first case.
 

Can Cause People to Spill Their Deepest Secrets

Think about the repercussions that such
vulnerabilities might have on an individual. Spilling
your deepest secrets to another person is tantamount
to empowering them to manipulate you however they
may wish. If for instance you tell me what spooks
you, or your deepest fears, you open a way for me to
use the same to push you into certain actions. In such
a situation, I may use your fears to scare you into
doing something for me. I may not come out to
blackmail you outright but may opt to take a subtler
approach, even acting as your close friend while
using the information you spilled to manipulate you.
 
Take for example that in your moment of
vulnerability, you tell me that you fear that your
spouse is being unfaithful. If I am not as good a
friend as I present myself to be, I may choose to fuel
your fears by also piling on my suspicions regarding
the same issue based on lies. For instance, I may
point out other broken marriages with the same
circumstances as yours. This, of course, will be a
tactical maneuver to fuel your paranoia and you can
bet your last coin that it will work. This is because I
will simply be reinforcing what you think is right.
 
Another way that empaths can manipulate others is to
help them. Usually, unburdening your emotions and
fears to someone goes a long way in making your
worries lighter. Empaths are known to be excellent
listeners and therefore the fact that you are more
likely to unburden yourself to one means that they
have healing power. By simply opening up to an
empath in this manner, you will feel a lot lighter and
free. In addition, beyond listening and understanding,
an empath will try to help you to sort out your issues.
He or she may do so by offering consolation, advise
you on the way forward, counseling or
encouragement to forge ahead depending on what
you share. It is clear from this description that an
empaths manipulation can go either one of two ways;
negative or positive. This all boils down to the kind
of person who the empath you are dealing with is.
 Chapter 4: Manipulation in Leadership
 

With the term leadership, most people assume that it

refers to a lucrative position where one has the
ultimate decision-making powers over the people
they lead. While this qualifies as leadership, it hardly
covers the full scope of the same. For purposes of
this next section, the term must be taken holistically.
This means that it should include even the most
trivial, often ignored leadership roles for example
when one has as few as five followers or even less. A
good example of this is when the parents are out of
the house and leave one sibling, often the eldest, in
charge of the others. For such a case, consider the
sibling left in charge as a leader. The reason why this
holistic definition of leadership is relevant for this
section is that such minor positions too, require some
level of influence and manipulation.
 
All leadership positions require some level of
manipulation for efficiency. As a leader, you will
need everyone under you to trust your leadership
capabilities and must, therefore, present yourself in a
certain manner. You must portray certain qualities
that are associated with your leadership style. For
instance, if you are a dictator, be dictatorial; if you
are a leader for a revolution, be revolutionary; if you
are a CEO or a manager of a company; be
managerial; or if you are a class representative, act
your capacity. Irrespective of the capacity in which
you serve as a leader, manipulation to some extent is
inevitable. This chapter will look into the different
types and specific examples of manipulation in
leadership.
 
Just like was the case with other forms of
manipulations discussed this far, it is important to
note that manipulative leadership can also take two
forms. On the one hand, a leader can manipulate his
or her followers with the aim of pushing them
towards achieving a common goal that will serve the
greater good. On the other hand, he may use his
position, power, connections or title to manipulate
people for the advancement of his personal selfish
agenda. For this reason, manipulation in leadership
can neither be lauded nor admonished. is since the
end effect is clearly dependent on the manipulator
and his or her goals.
 
Ruling by the Iron Fist
This is perhaps where manipulation is required the
most on the part of the rulers so as to keep their
subjects in line. Examples of what should come to
mind with this type of leadership include but are not
limited to; dictators, monarchs, ruthless business
leaders, harsh parents, among others. What is
common among all these types of leadership is that at
some level and in varying degrees, they all require
coercion of the people being led. Such forms of
leadership thrive only where the led are deprived of
their freedoms using a number of manipulative
tactics. Examples of such tactics include: instilling
fear by intimidating others and brainwashing, among
others.
 
At this point, it is necessary to use an example to
demonstrate this type of leadership. Consider a
scenario where a coup is used to overthrow a
particular government and a new dictator is in charge.
History shows that more often than not, such
dictators need to urgently establish a firm grip on
things or else they stand the risk of losing power as
fast as they got it. To do this, such dictators have to
silence any and all forces that are opposed to the
takeover while instilling fear to others who may
entertain similar thoughts.
 
It may also be necessary to brainwash people’s minds
to make them more receptive to the doctrines of the
new regime. Certain dictatorships in power today
have been known to do this through national media
which is often closely controlled by those in power.
While some people may have a problem qualifying
brainwashing as a manipulative tactic, it is clear to
see how it is, in fact, a very powerful one.
Convincing people to abandon their beliefs and to
adopt new ones qualifies as psychological
manipulation irrespective of how it is achieved.
 

Brainwashing by Certain Regimes

Brainwashing takes several different forms. Most
people, however, don’t have the slightest clue on
some of the ways it is achieved. They are only stuck
with what they are exposed to in movies, which
couldn’t be further from reality.
 
However, it helps this section to know that
brainwashing is mainly a form of re-education where
coercion is the main facilitator. The person being
targeted for brainwashing usually has no option but
to conform. Everything about the subject is
controlled; what he eats, when he eats, if and when
he sleeps, even when he relieves himself. All this
control is meant to break him in order to make him
more receptive to the new teachings. It most cases, it
must occur in a very controlled environment under
total seclusion from the rest of the world.
 
Using the initial example of a new dictatorship
however, it may not be possible to brainwash
everyone in a secluded environment. This is where
the newer forms of art come into play. A common
tool for brainwashing at this point would be mass
media. By controlling the programs that are aired,
their frequencies and the lengths of time that they are
aired, it is possible to attain some level of
brainwashing of the masses. This, of course, would
be the most ideal for our example above.
 
The group that would be most affected by such a
tactic would be young children. This is because this
group will know very little with which to contradict
the information they receive on the media. Children
would have no option but to believe everything that
they see or hear from the controlled media. The older
the target, the harder it would be for this form of
brainwashing to take effect.
 
Fear and Intimidation of Subjects
Fear is a very strong motivator to do or not to do
certain things. The knowledge that there are
consequences for every action taken (on inaction
where there should be action) is why people act the
way they do most of the time. For instance, if I know
that I’ll probably wake up late if I go to bed late, I’ll
make a point of going to bed early if I want to get up
early. Fear as a motivator is often stronger than a
reward for doing something. Take, for example, that
there is an official policy on punctuality. The first one
is that there will be a reward for a cash bonus every
week for the most consistently punctual employee.
The other one is that the most consistently late
employee will be laid off. Which policy do you think
would be most effective in getting people to work
early?
 
The same use of fear is sometimes necessary for
leadership. As a good leader, you are responsible to
ensure that everything runs smoothly and that
everyone delivers according to expectations. To do
so, it is necessary to introduce punitive measures that
will be taken against all those who fail. For
maximum effect, the implementation of these
punitive measures must be strict, fair, and unbiased.
As a result of being punished, the people you lead
will toe the line making your work a lot easier for
you. Dictators borrow from this knowledge when
they carry out harsh and degrading punishments to
those who are deemed defiant. In the past, extreme
cases of publicized public executions by dictatorial
regimes have been witnessed. This instilled mortal
fear of going against the regime among the rest of the
public.
 
Depending on how it is applied, this manipulative
tactic can have either positive or negative undertones.
For example, dictatorial fear and intimidation are
often violent and degrading and is therefore
considered negative. On the other hand, the fear of
punishment for certain behaviors from parents is
mostly positive as it manipulates children to act in
certain desirable ways. A successful leader must
always know when and how to use fear as a
manipulative tool.
 
Political Manipulation
You must have heard somewhere the statement that
politics is a dirty game. Many people don’t
appreciate the gravity of this statement. It means that
in politics, rules are often thrown out of the window
and that anyone who comes out the victor is not
always the most deserving contestant. To thrive in the
political game, one needs an arsenal of dirty tricks
and underhand methods up his or her sleeve.
Manipulation is the main ingredient necessary to
succeed in the political arena. Not only does an
ambitious politician manipulate the public, but he
also manipulates his rivals into playing into his tricks
and also potential donors to giving generously to
fund their campaigns.
 
Politics is never short of drama and surprising twists
of events. Situations are not unheard of where certain
candidates vie for certain positions, not for the
purposes of winning but rather to cause others to
lose. Others choose to propagate propaganda and lie
in an effort to slander their opponents and attain
political mileage. One common tool of manipulation
when it comes to politics is the media.
 

Manipulative Campaigns
All political campaigns are manipulative in nature.
Politicians need not only to speak the part but to act it
as well. In speaking, a political aspirant who is
campaigning must endeavor to find out the most
pressing needs of the people and make these needs
their own. They have to speak like all they care about
is addressing these needs if they are to stand any
chance at all of winning voters over. If you take some
time to listen closely to a campaign message, chances
are that you will detect some clauses designed to
manipulate the electorate.
 
The first fishy selling point that is bound to catch an
inquisitive mind is the numerous promises made. A
politician will promise you heaven if he has to,
provided that that is what it will take to land your
vote. Here, exaggeration is a manipulative tactic for
those who are not so perceptive or inquisitive. They
will rush to pick their choice of a candidate without
examining the promises made. In the end, such voters
end up being disappointed having fallen for
unrealistic expectations.
 
As stated earlier, politicians also need to look the part
when they campaign. They have to present
themselves as the people servants that they always
paint themselves to be. This is to say that a
politician’s demeanor must complement rather than
contradict their statements. Of course, all this acting
is to manipulate the public to believe the picture of
them that they try so hard to paint. They have to take
the popular route even when it is not one that they
individually believe in. a good example is how
politicians are always on the frontline to condemn
vices in society, how they are always the first to laud
achievements and how they always have calculated
opinions about everything. All this showmanship is
to manipulate the public to vote on their side.
 

Propaganda and Slander

Have you ever heard of the saying about calling a
dog a bad name and then killing it? This is a game
that politicians play on their adversaries. To rob them
of political support, they have to find a way of
manipulating the voters into believing that their
preferred candidates are not worthy of their support.
This manipulation can be achieved through a number
of different ways. The most common one employed
by politicians involves leaking negative information
related to their political nemeses. It doesn’t matter
whether the leaked information is true or not,
mudslinging always works to the detriment of the
target. Most people will believe such propaganda
without making any effort to verify it. In this way,
they would have been manipulated successfully to
withdraw their support from their favorite candidates.
 
It doesn’t matter if the lies can be proven as such
otherwise. Politicians will always go for the kill
knowing very well that it will be hard to recover from
the slander irrespective of the accuracy of the
information used. As such, it essentially acts as a
knockout blow to a political adversary. The same
applies to the mind that is swayed as a result of
propaganda. Whereas some may be able to reconsider
and recommit their support after ascertaining the
accuracy of the information, a majority of the other
voters may be unable to do so. The well will have
already been poisoned and such individuals will
always have doubts regarding their candidates.
 
Political moves are always tactical. As such, you
should expect that such mudslinging will be done in a
manner and at a time that it is bound to inflict the
worst effect. The strategy chosen ensures that the
manipulation of people’s minds is the most effective.
 

Luring Campaign Financiers

Running a political campaign can be a very
expensive affair. Depending on the seat in contention,
the budgets of such endeavors have been known to
run well into several millions of dollars. An expected
example is when one is running for the presidency of
a country. Given the wide geographical region to be
covered along with extended logistical and other
costs, running such campaigns is always expensive.
As such, very few people can successfully fund their
campaigns out of their pockets. They depend on
political financiers to do this.
 
There are several tactics that politicians use to urge
financiers to make generous donations to their
campaigns. The most common one of them
capitalizes on the good old give and take
arrangement. This is where both sides come to an
agreement as to who gets what and everyone leaves
the table satisfied. This strategy involves a lot of
manipulation that goes on both ways. This is because
both parties involved are always looking to benefit
the most from the deal and must, therefore, craft their
proposals and offers so persuasively.
 
Beginning with how a politician manipulates the
financiers, he will begin by studying their businesses
to establish their most urgent desires. This is because
a good number of such political financiers are
business moguls looking to further their interests. If
this is not the case and the financier has no interest in
business, the politician will endeavor to find out what
it is the potential donor wants. Everyone has got
needs and these needs are what are used by
politicians as leverage to secure funding for their
expensive campaigns. Having acquired this
information, the politician then promises to deliver
them once he is elected depending on the size of
donations made.
 
This strategy often secures fat donations, especially
where the candidate involved has got good prospects
of actually winning. Although illegal, part of such
deals sometimes involves the promise of lucrative
government tenders and other profitable incentives
such as tax breaks. When the carrot does not work,
the stick probably will. If the potential donors don’t
buy the offers made, the politician may be forced to
switch to a different manipulation tactic. This is one
of the threats and intimidation. For instance, the
politician may promise hard times for them and their
businesses if and when he gets in office. This is
bound to capture their attention if there is any
realistic chance of the candidate pulling it off. All
these counts as manipulation tactics although the
intentions are quite clear to see, even for the target.
 
The fact that the donor has something that the
politician so desires means that the manipulation can
just as well go the other way. For instance, the donor
can come to the table with certain demands if he is to
make any reasonable donation. This is often the case
when the politician does not have much leverage and
when his or her prospects of winning are not that
good. As such, such a politician will most likely have
pegged all their campaign on such a donation and
will, therefore, most likely bend to any demands
made by the donor.
 

Decoy Candidates
This manipulation tactic is common when a
competitor wishes to weaken his or her opponent by
dividing his or her voter strong-base. This is a
manipulative tactic because the voters will be blinded
as to the true intentions of such a candidate. Voters
inclined towards a particular political side, or certain
political ideals will, therefore, be presented with a
dilemma of two equally desirable options. By
dividing the voters in such a manner, both candidates
who are aligned either regionally, ethnically, racially,
ideally, or in any other way, end up losing. This
paves a direct way to the third manipulative
candidate whose idea it was to split the voters in the
first place.
 
In politics, this manipulation tactic takes advantage
of a phenomenon called the spoiler effect. This is
when apart from the two main candidates; there is an
option for a third, usually the weakest with no
chances of winning. The third candidate is likely to
spoil the votes for one of the other two main
candidates. More often than not, the likely victim
among the remaining two candidates is usually the
one whose political ideals align with those of the
third candidate. This is because the similarity of their
political ideals will likely lead to the candidate losing
some of their voters to the third candidate.
 
Politicians are not above deliberately running such
candidates with the aim of achieving the described
results. This is the manipulation of voters at its
highest form. This is because the voters will not in
the least be suspicious of such an activity. They
cannot begin to comprehend how someone can waste
time, money and resources all for a lost cause. You
can see how trying to convince them otherwise may
prove to be difficult.
 

Media and Politics

Media has both a positive and a negative angle when
it comes to politics. It may be used to promote
transparency and democracy on one hand or hinder
the same on the other. Given that most media houses
are profit-oriented, coverage ends up being sold to
the highest bidder, therefore, undermining democracy
due to bias. Political influence has a direct relation to
the choices the media make concerning the adverts.
The political adverts mostly influence public viewers
who are loyal to the media firm through the
entertainment they run. They, therefore, vote for the
politician with respect to the loyalty to the media
firm and not the policies given by the politician. Most
of these viewers are regarded as “swing voters” as
the media influence them into making their choices.
This is among the negative consequences of media in
politics.
 
On the other hand, unbiased media coverage gives
the voters all the required information that is required
to enable them to pick their desired candidates. This
is what the ideal role of media in politics should be.
Sadly, this is far from the case. As stated, rich
politicians are favored where they are given more
coverage or their opponents slandered through the
same media outlets.
 
Another media frontier that has had a meteoric rise
recently is the sector of social media. This includes
sites like Facebook and Twitter. Given their
ballooning subscriptions internationally, the same
social media sites have become targets for political
manipulators. A good example of this effect is the
last United States elections where Donald Trump was
elected president. Although unverified, there were
unverified claims of voter manipulation and foreign
collusions. If a country like the United States can be
vulnerable to media manipulation to sway political
views, which country is immune?
 
Voluntary Leadership
At one point or another, you must have been in a
situation where a volunteer was required among your
group to oversee a particular task. This is often the
case where the activities you are involved in are non-
profit in nature and as such, the success of the same
is pegged on the goodwill of all those who are
involved. Consider, for example, that there is an
environment watch group that operates in your area.
Every Saturday, they invite volunteers to take part in
some pre-planned tasks aimed at protecting or
preserving the environment. A Saturday, you
volunteer as it is your habit and the task at hand is to
plant trees. You are split into groups and for each
group; a volunteer is required to take a supervisory
role over the rest. You volunteer for this position and
you are now responsible for your group.
 
While such a position may not be viewed by many
people as a leadership position, it has all the
characteristics. First is that you will be responsible
for ensuring that everyone does what is expected of
them, you will be responsible for assigning them
various tasks, any tools assigned for use will be under
your care, you will determine the pace of work to
ensure that you complete the work on time, and
finally, you will be responsible for the safety of
everyone involved. These and other responsibilities
qualify the voluntary leadership position as any other
type of leadership.
 

Marshaling People
Manipulation is required to pull off such an
undertaking. Seeing as though the position is
temporary and doesn’t come with the powers that
often come with other leadership positions, it is fair
to expect some lack of cooperation or motivation
from the other team members. As a team leader, you
will be required to come up with ways to ensure that
this does not come in the way of you achieving your
target goals. Considering that you are all volunteers,
the application of punitive measures against some
group members may be out of the question. What
then will you do to win them over?
 
One way of ensuring this would be to apply tactics
that may motivate them to work hard. The best
strategy to do so would be to lead by example. If
your group sees how dedicated you are and how hard
you work, soon your motivation will begin to rub off
on them. Rather than order them around and lazy
around in the name of supervising, you should get
your hands dirty and lead from the front. This is
likely to manipulate them to work instead of just
telling them to. What this strategy capitalizes on is
humanity’s compassion. Naturally, people will not
stand aside and let another slave away with all the
work. For this reason, showing the willingness to go
it alone means that you will soon pull them to join
you.
 
Religious Leadership
So, religious leaders are some of the most upright and
most straightforward people on earth? Think again.
How else do you get people to believe, sometimes
almost fanatically, based only on faith? Believe me
when I tell you that serious manipulation and
brainwashing goes on within the hallowed halls of
worship. Although this is a largely controversial
topic, this section will be based on purely objective
observations of the teachings of religion and how it is
that they command and maintain such a huge
following. The main goal here is to show how some
religious teachings, beliefs or practices are
manipulative in nature. Absolutely no judgment is
passed as to their validity, practicality, or truth as this
is personal.
 
Most religions in the world have the same general
format in terms of what is taught and how followers
must behave. This implies that for all of them, there
is a generally accepted way of life that ought to be
followed. Anyone who goes against this way of life is
deemed a deviant. Often, there is a guide or some sort
of reference in which are detailed the dos and the
don’ts of that particular religion.
 
For Christians, this guide is the Bible, for Jews, the
Talmud and for Muslims, it is the Quran. These
references are considered holy and as such,
everything contained within their pages deemed
inspired and true. No one is allowed to question their
validity.
 
Manipulation comes in the form of rewards and
punishments. In Christianity for instance, Heaven is
the ultimate promise for all those who live according
to its teachings. And as icing to the cake, God blesses
those who abide by him even during their lifetimes.
Such a promise alone is enough to move people to
toe the Christian line. After all, who doesn’t want to
go to heaven with a promise of good and everlasting
tidings? If this is not enough, there is the promise of
hell for all the deviants. This is bound to be an even
greater motivation to stick to Christian ideals. An
everlasting afterlife of torment and grief is hardly any
man’s wish. Most religions have a variation of this in
their teachings.
 Chapter 5: The Con
 

Many people have no idea what the term con stands

for. They assume that it represents a convict. In real
sense, the word con artist stands for confidence
artists. This is because confidence is the main
ingredient for a successful scam. In a well-executed
scam, the target never realizes in many cases that
they have been conned. They just chalk it down to
some bad luck and therefore remain potential targets
for future scams. It is important to recognize that not
even the best among us are immune from such tricks.
The con artist preys on some of the fundamental
human needs thereby leveling the playing field. This
is to say that under the right set of circumstances,
everyone, including the brightest among us, can be
scammed.
 
Pulling off a successful con trick requires a mastery
of a myriad of manipulation tactics. An experienced
con will play on your every emotion to get you to
part with your valued possession. You will be
surprised at the number of people, probably you
included, who believe in their personal immunity to
trickery by cons. It is precisely this misplaced
confidence in self that sets you up to fail in the first
place. If one is aware that he or she is vulnerable to
cons, then the person would have his or her guard up
most of the time. Keeping their guard up means that
such individuals limit the chances of their being
taken advantage of by the con artist.
 
Having introduced the con and how vulnerable we all
are to his gimmicks, it is now necessary to pinpoint
how the game ties to the art of psychological
manipulation. There is an innate need for all humans
to believe in something. This need is honed from a
very young age when a child is totally dependent on
the parent and believes without a doubt that the
parent is there for all his needs. This need evolves
never wanes as one grows up. Rather, it morphs into
another form that is just as strong. It varies from one
person to the next, for example, one person may want
to believe in the goodness of fellow human beings,
others will want to swear to the existence of justice.
 
The con artist knows this and he crafts his game to fit
your need. The first step of any well-executed con
game would, therefore, be the establishment of the
needs of the target. Having established the needs, the
artist will look to present him or herself in such a
way as to convince the target that they are the true
embodiment of the fulfillment of their needs. This
forms the set-up part of the plan where the target is
lured in slowly and with skills honed over a long
time. Successful execution of this stage means that
the target is hooked.
 
It is clear from these first steps of the con artist’s
game that it is fully pegged on manipulation. It never
includes the use of force since the marks always give
willingly having been fully persuaded of the
legitimacy of the scam. The artist will look to play
with your emotions right from the start with the aim
of using them to pull your ropes as a puppeteer does
with his puppets. In the following sections, specific
con scams have been selected and will be dissected in
detail for you to observe just how manipulation
works. For most of them, you will notice that the
target stands no chance at all.
 
Consider, for example, that you are a parent with a
child who has drug problems. It won’t take much for
a determined con to establish this and use it to scam
you. A way that may be used to establish potential
targets regarding this issue would be perhaps to hang
out in support groups. If you are well off and your
child happens to be attending the support group, it is
just a matter of time before you fall under the
scammer’s radar. Cons sometimes work in groups
and therefore, you should be very wary of promising
referrals to experts that come out of the blue yet seem
to address your very immediate needs.
 
By attending such groups, the con carefully observes
all those attending and sizes them up using simple
observable features such as their general demeanor.
From this, he would narrow down his targets since he
would want to mark only those who will be worth his
while. If they are working in groups, one of them will
attend the group as a victim for a closer analysis of
the potential targets. Having narrowed down his
marks, the con will use different ways to establish
some form of connection with them. Of course, none
of these connection building methods will strike the
marks as staged or even remotely pre-planned. They
will seem purely coincidental.
 
It is not a big leap from befriending your child to
finding out some details about you. Having
established your identity and routines, the second con
steps in to manipulate you. You may bump into him
one morning as you exit your favorite coffee shop
where you ‘accidentally’ spill some on him. “Sorry, I
must have been very preoccupied with my thoughts; I
didn’t see you coming out.” He will be very profuse
in his apologies. He pulls out a napkin from his
jacket pocket and out along with it falls a card.
“Sorry, I am very clumsy today.” Naturally, you
would also offer your apologies as you bend to help
him pick up his card. “Oh! You can keep that, just in
case you feel inclined to send me money for the dry
cleaners.” He jokes as he extends a hand to greet you.
“Dr. Jeffrey Hope, Psychologist and self-help
expert.” He is just what you need! The hook is
tossed.
 
The Three Card Monte
The Three Card Monte is one of the oldest scams
around. The scammer requires just a few minutes of
your time to clean you off, of course depending on
your complacency. The manipulative tool used for
the game is one’s greed or the desire to make quick
money without working for it. In the game, the target
will be set-up into believing there is some simple
money to be won by merely doing some little keen
observation. The apparent simplicity of the game is
the first thing that is bound to capture the attention of
the mark (target).
 
The game involves the use of three cards, one of
them being the money card. The money card is often
the ace of spades or a queen. The idea is to positively
identify the location of the money card after they
have been moved around the table a few times. In the
game, it is always very simple to trace the
movements of every card because their motions are
quite simple and straightforward. You should be very
wary at this point not to be sucked into the game
because this simplicity is merely part of the ruse to
lure unsuspecting targets.
 
To improve their believability, the cons of running
the scam of the Three Card Monte work in packs. It
often requires the input of more than three confidence
artists to pull it off. However, when the game is set
up in a busy location, it may require about six artists.
Each one of them knows their roles very well. There
is, of course, the main one, whose job is to throw the
cards on the table and move them around, accepts
bets and rewards the winners. At least one of them
will pose as a player (decoy target) and the last one
will be the lookout.
It is very difficult to set up a game and land a genuine
target as the first player. For this reason, the first few
games of a three-card mote game are between the
cons themselves. These games are played to
encourage onlookers (potential genuine targets), to
take part. Often, the decoy target will win a lot
putting the notion in the minds of the unsuspecting
onlookers that they could also do the same. At his
point, there may also be a decoy onlooker who will
try his luck and win. In most cases, this ‘lucky’
onlooker will be enough to make you want to try
your luck. In other words, you will have been hooked
and your first bet may as well be the first step down a
very slippery slope.
 
The way that the main con drops the cards on the
table will suggest a clear pattern although this is
hardly the case. From an outsider’s point of view, he
will appear to drop them sequentially from the
bottom card to the top one. The truth of the matter,
however, is that the con has the ability to drop either
the top card or the bottom one at will. You can be
sure that the dropping is the first ruse, if not the main
one. The target will be misled from the beginning and
will continue to follow the wrong card all along.
When well-executed, not even the decoy targets can
accurately tell the location of the money card. They
do so with the help of subtle signs from the main con
and therefore their apparent ‘winning streak’
designed to lure others.
 
If an experienced con who is in on the game cannot
accurately tell the location of the money card, what
are the odds of an outsider finding it? Obviously, the
odds are very small. The few chances that an outsider
will find it will be by pure luck. Even when they do,
there is yet another trick up the sleeves of the cons. It
is the job of the main con to accept bets placed by the
players. In many cases, the rule is to accept the
largest bet on every location (although he may
choose to accept all). This means that even in the off
chance that you accurately pick the location of the
money card; there is a chance that you may be out-
staked. This is precisely what happens. One of the
decoy targets will promptly place a bet higher than
yours essentially nullifying yours. This is, of course,
the bet that will be accepted by the main con. This
trickery only shows how far con artists will go to get
what they want. In many cases, however, you will
occasionally be let to win just to keep you playing
long enough to be milked bone dry.
 
The Three Card Monte is a classic example of how a
con employs manipulation tactics to fleece their
targets. The con knows that since money is very
important, it is bound to rank high on the list of needs
for most people. Having identified the need, he
presents himself as the perfect vehicle to fulfill it
without the need of breaking a sweat. He presents
you with choreographed ‘evidence’ to prove its
validity, and by so doing, he lures you in. You are set-
up from the word go and they have a foolproof plan
to keep their money even for the few instances when
you become lucky.
 
The Spanish Prisoner
This is another common con trick that has many
variations to it. Its wide application is demonstrated
by how easily it morphs and adapts to changes in
technology. Many people have fallen prey to the trick
in one of its many variations. Like the Three Card
Monte, the Spanish prisoner trick looks to benefit
from people’s greed to make quick and easy bucks.
Also, it preys on some people’s innate need to trust
fellow human beings. The Spanish prisoner also takes
advantage of people’s good nature to manipulate and
steal from them.
 
In the trick, the con identifies his target based on all
the things stated to be the determiners of the success
of the trick. For instance, some of the most appealing
targets would be those that are in need of money.
This first qualification of targeting is a very wide net
that will capture almost anybody. Very few people
will pass up the opportunity of making some good
money for something that seems so simple. There are
people who always want to believe in the goodness
of humanity. Such people are trusting of others and
reserve their judgment of others until when they have
facts. Until then, they prefer to give their fellow
human beings the benefit of the doubt. Well, one
chance is all a conman needs. The third quality is
people with high sensitivity. These are people who
are sympathetic to others and who will go out of their
way to help others who are in need.
 
Having identified the perfect target, the con makes
his move. He approaches the target and strikes up a
casual conversation aimed at making acquaintance.
Assuming that you are the intended target, you can
expect that he would have taken his time to study
you. He would know your likes, hobbies and
everything else that may be required to befriend you.
The more through ones will go as far as finding out
about some of your relatives or friends so that they
hit closer home when they approach. For instance,
you are likely to be more interested during your
conversation, he happens to know your brother
Michael since they went to school together. “So how
is Mike nowadays? I bet he went professional. The
guy was the best quarterback I ever saw.” He might
add knowing that you lost your brother a few years
after college. This statement is meant to disarm you.
If executed properly, your brain will be immediately
manipulated into thinking that you are talking with a
familiar person as opposed to a complete stranger. He
would have succeeded in making you lower your
guard down and even more importantly, caused you
to trust him a little more. After all, he knows
Michael, even calls him Mike. He seems genuinely
sad when you inform him that your brother, his
friend, Mike passed away shortly after college. It is
everything he can do to hold back the tears from
running down his face.
 
The Spanish prisoner requires a great deal of
patience. Building trust in the target is the key to its
successful execution. After a few ‘run-ins’ and casual
conversations with him, you begin to get comfortable
around him. By now, you have heard about his work
abroad and how he came back home after some
unpleasant experience with some very bad guys.
“The world would be a much better place if all
people were genuine like you.” He will say after
narrating his sad experience. You feel sad for him but
that is all you can do to help. Having become friends,
you begin sharing more things since you now trust
him and he trusts you. All this time he has proven to
be a genuine friend, offering to take your pet dog to
the vet for his shots and does just that. That is just a
single instance where he has been of assistance to
you.
 
When he is confident that he has earned your trust, he
trusts you with a secret, one that is bound to very
lucrative if immediate action is taken. He tells you
that while he was working abroad, he became very
close with his boss, a very wealthy and generous man
who took him under his wing when he had nothing.
After a few well-fabricated stories of how his boss
might just as well be Jesus or Mohamed the prophet,
he moves in for the kill. You will find out that his
former boss was arrested and imprisoned by the same
people who caused him trouble when he was abroad.
He tells you that for the security of the prisoner, his
identity remains hidden. He goes on to tell you that
his former boss is looking for a way out of prison and
a place to stay in exile, which happens to be your
country.
 
He has been tasked with seeing to it that everything
falls in place and he has even identified an ideal
location for his wealthy boss to reside when he jets
in. The only problem is that some money is required
to bribe a few officials here and there to secure his
release. He swears that as soon as his boss is
released, it would be home-free and he would pay
back very generously for any help extended. Rest
assured that a conman would know full well that his
target is well capable of footing the asking price for a
Spanish prisoner heist; otherwise, he would not be
targeted in the first place.
 
From this example, it is clear that every step is a
calculated move. From the completely ‘coincidental’
meeting to the ‘casual’ conversations you had. They
were all part of setting the stage. The con patiently
builds trust while all the while; he is keen to
compliment the target on some of their good qualities
such as generosity and a good heart. You wouldn’t
want to prove him wrong after this sincerely accurate
observation about you. The hook is tossed and you
are baited.
 
The Pickpocket
Although pickpockets are essentially thieves, they
vary from the rest due to the skills required to
execute a flawless pickpocket stunt. Other types of
theft may require the use of brute force or speed to
access the targeted items. However, with
pickpocketing, proper perception, and manipulation
of the subjects feature a great deal. Since pickpockets
carry out their trades from close quarters, they need
to divert the attention of potential marks before they
make their moves. It is very essential that the said
diversion of attention be done well as the success of
the mission is dependent on it. For example, if the
potential target is only momentarily distracted and
resumes his normal attention before the stunt is
complete, the pickpocket risks a lot more than the
failure of the mission.
 
It is precisely for this reason that some pickpockets
work in pairs or even more in other situations. They
split their tasks so that when one is focused on
distracting the mark, the other is busy stealing the
targeted item such as watch, wallet, phone, cash, and
etcetera. The executioner is often so fast lest the
target regains his or her consciousness before the
targeted item is acquired. A common method of
distraction used, for example when the target items
are watches, wallets, or phones, is to bump into the
mark. The bumping, of course, will be done on the
opposite side from the location of the targeted item.
This shifts the target’s attention in this direction
allowing the other con to snatch the targeted item.
Chapter 6: Specific Ways of Mind Control
 

This chapter aims at looking at some of the specific

ways that are used to control the minds of others.
Specifically, the section will address hypnosis,
deception, persuasion, and brainwashing as mind
control techniques.
 
Brainwashing
Brainwashing has been mentioned earlier under the
section on manipulation in leadership. Here, we will
explore the tactic deeper not only with the aim of
demystifying it, but also to qualify it as a
manipulation tactic. As the name suggests
brainwashing involves ways of making people
denounce or forget their beliefs and replace these
with new ones. From this definition alone, it is clear
that it is a very strong form of manipulation. Like all
the other forms of manipulation, brainwashing has
both positive and negative sides. The positive, for
example, maybe as a result of the necessity for
survival such as when you relocate to a new
environment. Over time, the way of life of your new
acquaintances will rub off on you as you struggle to
fit in.
 
Of interest to us in this section, however, are two
forms of brainwashing. The first one has already
been discussed and it involves the brainwashing of
masses through media. The second one is forced and
is often done at a personal level since it requires a
high level of seclusion for success. The former form
of brainwashing requires a medium that is accessible
by most people such as the radio or any other form of
mass media. To successfully execute it, the audiences
of such media are limited in their choices so that they
have no other choice of media. This way, they have
to listen or watch any brainwashing programs that are
aired. Another feature is the repetitive play of related
programs. The human mind is far more malleable
than most people care to think. If it is taught
something repeatedly for so long it begins to
internalize the teachings, taking them as truths. After
all, truths are relative.
 
The second, more forceful form of brainwashing
takes advantage of one’s emotional vulnerability to
plant new thoughts and ideas in the mind of someone.
The process involves putting one in complete
seclusion from the world, then using different tactics
to break them down both emotionally. To achieve the
required state of emotional breakdown for
brainwashing to occur, physical abuse of the subjects
is often resorted to. This involves actions such as the
denial of sleep, starvation, invasion of personal
space, beatings, among others. The target will be
exposed to such horrible conditions for as long as it
takes to make them arrive at a point where they give
up in life. While being emotionally broken down,
they are constantly reminded that they are wrong
about everything and that they are worthless. Sooner
or later, the subjects come to believe this and find
that they have nothing more to live for.
 
This is when the next stage of brainwashing is
initiated. The subject, having given up on life, is
offered a way out. Naturally, under the conditions,
the person will cling to anything and will, therefore,
be receptive to anything that he is told. While the
new ideals are being imparted, the subject will be
positively reinforced for showing initiative and for
applying them. This is a move that is aimed at
permanence. The isolation is necessary so that the
‘molding process’ is not affected by the external
environment or other people.
 
Hypnosis
Hypnosis is a voluntary association between the
hypnotist and the hypnotized where the former
‘leads’ the latter into new realities through
suggestions that are thought manipulative. Hypnosis
has many applications away from the entertainment
purposes that many people are familiar with. A fast-
developing application of hypnosis is for medical
purposes. A hypnotist can ‘lead’ a patient in pain to
realities where they are cured of their pain and sure
enough, the healing manifests physically. This
manipulation is perhaps related to the art of placebo
treatment where patients have been observed to heal
despite being treated with drugs that are not active.
 
It is not the positive uses such as the therapeutic
applications of hypnosis that we are concerned with.
Our concern is when the hypnotist begins to
manipulate the target for his or her own good. At
some point, the hypnotist can control the subject even
against their will and this is where the line has to be
drawn. To understand how this may be arrived at, it is
necessary to explain precisely how hypnosis works.
The hypnotist does not induce the state on a person
but rather guides them slowly towards it. This means
that it is ultimately upon you and not the hypnotist if
or not you will get hypnotized.
 
How this works is that the hypnotist will guide you
through suggestions to achieve an altered mental
state where you will become open to suggestions and
control. At this altered state, the hypnotist can
suggest, for instance, that you forget that you are in
pain. When you forget, the pain actually ceases to
manifest physically. Given such power over you, it
means that the hypnotist may suggest anything and
you will do it. At this point in hypnosis, you basically
become the hypnotist’s puppet who will do or move
as instructed.
 
Research shows that apart from enabling one to
acquire an altered mental state, hypnosis can also be
used to alter peoples’ thoughts on various issues.
This is precisely where hypnotic manipulation sets in.
The moment another person tries to influence your
thoughts or perceptions about something, this is
deemed as manipulation. It is even more so the case
when the influenced person is put in a vulnerable
position, which for our case is hypnosis.
 
Persuasion
Persuasion may not strike many people as a mind-
control technique. This is because the textbook
definition of the term means that one person
convinces the other one to do something. However, a
significant amount of manipulation can be achieved
through persuasion as will be shown in this section.
Persuasion can be achieved in several different ways.
The first and most common one is through reasoning
with your target. Take for instance, that you get in an
argument with another person, a fellow traveler,
about which route to take. Each one of you suggests a
different route for different reasons and one has to
convince the other if the journey is to continue. By
employing persuasion through reasoning, you may
bring up points such as; “this road is far shorter than
the one you are suggesting, taking it will save us a lot
of money in fuel.” Or “your road is quite rough and
will make for a very bumpy ride.” By giving
compelling reasons why your option is the desirable
one, you look to manipulate your companion.
 
Another way of persuasion is through charm.
Consider a situation where you are attracted to a lady
and would like to take her out on a date. Your request
to do that is turned down the first time. What do you
do? You employ persuasive skills by ‘upping your
game’ and charming her into submission. If she is a
regular acquaintance of yours, for example, you
could decide to be extra friendly and warm to her. If
your charming succeeds in landing you your date,
you will have persuaded your target through charm.
 
Persuasion can also be achieved through persistence.
This is a common tactic where you get what you
want by tiring someone into submission. Parents are
often the victims of this form of persuasion from
their children. A child will pester a parent about a
new toy on sale for days on end without yielding.
Finally, the parent grows tired of all the pestering and
decides to buy the toy only to shut the kid up before
he or she goes mad. Believe it or not, the child will
have persuaded the parent through unending
persistence to give in to their requests. This also
qualifies as manipulation.
 
The other form of persuasion is more diabolical in
nature. This is one that only works when you have
something against your target. It has been known to
work very well since the persuader is always the one
with all the cards and therefore calls the shots. A
common form of this kind of persuasion is by
threatening to expose one’s infidelity to the public if
they don’t comply with your demands. The common
term for such is blackmail. Through blackmail, you
can get someone to do your bidding in exchange for
your discretion. This, therefore, qualifies it as a form
of manipulation or mind-control.
 
A huge amount of all human interactions involve
persuasion. So prevalent is this mind-control
technique that most people are seldom aware of its
existence, let alone appreciate its gravity. When you
try to buy something from a business person, each
one of you is trying to persuade the other one. The
businessman may be trying to persuade you that a
particular item is a top quality and you may be trying
to get him to lower the price. When you talk about
politics with your friend or colleague, you may be
trying to persuade him or her to view things from
your perspective. Defense attorneys are always trying
to persuade the jury of their clients’ innocence while
prosecutors try to persuade them of the opposite.
From these few examples, it is clear that persuasion
makes a significant portion of our day to day lives.
 
Deception
Deception also qualifies as a manipulation tactic.
This is where a person tells lies to another person
with the aim of causing them to alter their
perceptions or actions. In making any decisions based
on the deceit, the person who is deceived will not
have accurate information to go with. This means
that the deceiver holds the power to skew their
perceptions or decisions anyhow they wish.
Deception manifests in several different ways just
like the other mind-control techniques that have been
discussed. The first one is through mudslinging and
slander which was covered under manipulation in
leadership. This is a form of deceit used to sway the
minds of the electorate regarding various candidates
for different elective positions.
 
The second type of deceit is sleight of hand which
was covered under manipulation in the Three Card
Monte. This was deceit for the main purpose of
stealing from the victim. Most manipulation tactics
that have been discussed this deeply and have some
level of deceit in them. This is because often, to
successfully manipulate someone, you have to keep
your real intentions hidden irrespective of who you
are dealing with. It doesn’t matter if you are dealing
with your best friend or your spouse; any form of
manipulation is deceit and is a recipe for chaos if
discovered.
 Chapter 7: How to Spot a Manipulator
 
 

Having discussed the various ways in which people

manipulate others, it is only fair to educate you on
how to be more vigilant next time. As has been
shown thus far, emotions are what manipulators
target. We all have emotions albeit in varying degrees
and for this reason, we are all exposed. Although
none of us is immune to manipulations, there is
certainly something we can do to ensure that we
don’t fall for them every time someone tries to
manipulate us. This next section will highlight some
of the ways that can be helpful in spotting and,
hopefully evading a manipulator.
 
Maybe it is your loving spouse who you apparently
can’t ever please or your child who so yearns for that
bicycle he’s been pestering you about for so long,
perhaps it is your local coffee vendor or your or a
total stranger who vends his merchandise by the
roadside, maybe it is your school principal or your
local pastor, possibly your best friend or your arch-
nemesis, it is necessary to beware of your
associations lest you fall for manipulations. However,
it is important to note that all forms of manipulations
are negative. As such, they are not all to be shunned.
An example of a positive manipulation tactic is such
as when a parent promises their child something for
good grades at school.
 
It is important though to be aware of other people’s
intentions and be the final judge of whether or not we
want to proceed with a particular course of action. If,
for instance, you are clear that you are being
manipulated and nevertheless are comfortable with it,
then, by all means, allow it to go on. The advantage
of this is that the manipulation will go on under your
own terms and you can opt-out any moment you
want. The problem, however, is that this may not be
considered as manipulation. Many people may argue
that the moment the target is conscious of the tricks
but allows them to go on anyway; it ceases to be
manipulation seeing as though they will have a lot
more control over the situation.
 
As you must have gathered by now, manipulation
preys on people’s emotions. As such, there are certain
characteristics that are more likely to be present in a
manipulator. This is not to say that these
characteristics are sure pointers to such people.
Rather, they are general and therefore play with the
law of averages.
 
When you see one or more of these characteristics in
a person whom you are associated with, be very
careful. Note that the more of these traits that
manifest in a person; the more likely that you are
dealing with a manipulator. However, the opposite is
also quite possible since you may find a person with
all these characteristics and yet is not involved in any
manipulation. This next section will outline and
explain the said traits with relevant examples where
possible.
 
Afterward, everything that has been addressed to this
point will be linked to the said traits in an effort to
find a common pattern. Three of the main traits that
will be discussed are the dark triad, a mixture of
which is deemed to bring out the best environment
for the development of the most potent manipulators.
These are; psychopathy, narcissism, and
Machiavellianism. The other traits that will be
discussed such as charisma and nonchalance are
more character observations than personal traits.
They are nonetheless also strong pointers to
manipulators.
 
Traits of Manipulators
The Psychopath
The word psychopath is a descriptive term for a
person who shows a complete lack of empathy
towards other people or animals. Such a person will
go through life in a manner that is completely void of
feelings. A psychopath will, for this reason, find it
very difficult to form any genuine attachments with
other people. This is because deep attachments
require emotions that are never a strong suit for a
clinical psychopath. For them, the main motivation
for striking acquaintances with others would be
purely for convenience purposes. This is to say that
people with psychopathic tendencies are likely to
initiate friendships, acquaintances, or relationships
with others only when they have something to gain
from such arrangements.
 
The initial description of a psychopath is likely to
mislead people into thinking that whenever a person
is so deeply involved with others, there is no chance
of them being psychopaths. This could not be further
from the truth. As a matter of fact, psychopaths can
be some of the best actors that we have around. They
are able to get into seemingly very committed
relationships and pull them off quite successfully.
Psychopaths masquerade among us as devoted
husbands, loving fathers, obedient children, loving
siblings, loyal friends, among other very desirable
characters. On the flip side, they also exist as the
cold-blooded, vicious and heartless characters who
many people take them to be. Often in such
situations, their psychopathic tendencies are
suppressed but they exist nonetheless.
 
There are certain factors that are used to determine
whether or not a person is psychopathic. These are;
lack of responsibility, incapable of remorse or guilt,
tendency to be promiscuous, charisma, superficially
charming, among others. It is clear that all these
determinants suggest the capacity and dispensation to
manipulate others. A lack of responsibility (for both
self and others), for instance, shows that a
psychopath doesn’t in the least bit mind the
repercussions of their actions. The incapacity to show
remorse shows that they don’t care about the feelings
of those people that they hurt or manipulate for their
personal gains. The tendency for promiscuity
suggests that psychopaths will go to any lengths to
satisfy their own urges, however dark they may be.
They will manipulate anyone anyhow if that is what
it takes to achieve this satisfaction. Finally, the
superficial charm is the perfect recipe to build the
necessary trust required for manipulation.
 
The absence of remorse, guilt, or emotions means
that psychopaths can be the most objective people
you can find. Not only are they quick to make up
their minds, but they are also more likely to stick to a
plan once it is settled upon. These qualities give them
the potential to be some of the most powerful
manipulators around. This is because a lack of
empathy means that they will settle for the best
targets irrespective of how vulnerable they are.
Where most people might have ethical dilemmas,
psychopaths will sail through quite easily. A good
example is if the perfect mark for your guile
manipulation is a helpless old lady. The psychopath
will settle upon the mark without as much as a
second thought where most other people will rethink
their options.
 
Research shows that many con artists have a
considerable amount of psychopathic tendencies.
Psychopathy is regarded as one of the qualities that
make for a successful con. This is because, for proper
manipulation of their targets, cons must not become
too attached to their marks lest they start getting
concerned about them. If this happens, they may
spare them some of the heartless manipulative tactics,
therefore, risking their whole plan. In this situation, a
good conman will be able to look you in the eye and
promise you heaven as he ushers you through the
fiery gates of hell.
 
Having described the psychopath, it is now clear how
you can spot someone who portrays such tendencies.
If you are acquainted with someone, for example,
who strikes you as heartless or inconsiderate, think
twice about your associations. If your best friend
seldom regrets his or her actions however bad they
may be, you may be dealing with a psychopath who
will manipulate you the first chance they get. If your
spouse is so good at superficial charm and face value
but falls short when it comes to matters that require
real commitment, rethink your engagement with such
a person.
 
The Narcissist
When a person is termed as a narcissist, it means that
the person is so self-centered as to blatantly ignore
the feelings or the wellbeing of others around them. It
is a common human trait to put one’s feelings, needs
and emotions above those of others. However,
narcissists take this self-love to a whole new level.
They completely disregard other people around them
and expect to be exalted and praised by others. This
self-centeredness makes narcissists the objects of
ridicule and scorn from others. Nobody loves people
who blow their own horns while stepping on others
to reach their target destinations.
 
Given their self-centered natures and their insatiable
urges for approval from others, narcissists are very
competitive people. More often than not, they are
willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish their
goals even if it means brushing others the wrong way.
It, therefore, goes without saying that a narcissist
won’t hesitate to use others to further their selfish
agenda. What is more, they would do so without
showing an iota of remorse for doing so especially
when they get the results, they wanted in the first
place.
 
There are certain characteristics that predispose
people with narcissistic tendencies towards the
manipulation of their fellow human beings. These
include but are not limited to; a tendency to live
lavishly, a selfish sense of entitlement, larger than life
self-worth, total disregard for others, and overly
competitive. A closer consideration of these
narcissistic traits shows that people who possess
them are more likely to manipulate others. The first
one, for instance, is a tendency to live lavishly. In
order to afford an extravagant lifestyle, one must first
have the means to afford it. This fact suggests that
the person must be a great achiever and a very
ambitious person. Honest hard work alone might
afford one such a lifestyle but hardly so. Even if an
honest hard worker could afford it chances are that he
or she would not live extravagantly. That leaves us
with the other group of individuals, the narcissistic
ones. This group of people will go to any lengths
including malicious manipulation to maintain their
status.
 
In the world today, news abound of corrupt
individuals who despite having enough wealth to last
them ten lifetimes, still go on stealing and amassing
even more wealth. In many cases, the people being
stolen from are very poor and often have no means of
knowing, let alone defending themselves against such
evil people. It is obvious that such thieves lack even
the slightest shred of humanity within them and they
are overly entitled. This is despite the fact that what
they seek is totally unnecessary for them yet could
mean the world for others. These people are often the
worst manipulators. They may cheat and lie to
protect their tarnished images by making small
donations here and there to try and mask their greed.
Often, such donations may double up as a ploy to
achieve something bigger, say a political seat or
something else.
 
Have you ever met that person who seems to think
that the essence of life is coming out on top of every
situation? To them, anything and everything is a
competition. How big of a house do you own? How
much money do you make? Which schools do your
children attend? What car do you drive? How big
was the party you hosted? How many approvals did
you get? (Never mind that you both failed in this
endeavor, he will be happy just to know that he came
ahead of you). This is a classic narcissist definition. It
is obvious that in life, we cannot always get what we
want whenever we want. There will be moments of
triumphs dotted with disappointments. The trick lies
in learning to accept them and moving on. Being so
competitive, this trick is often lost to narcissists.
They are bound to be disappointed a lot considering
that there will always be people better than them in
different aspects. To feed their evil urge of outshining
everyone, narcissists will manipulate and use others,
provided that they gain something from it.
 
It is simple to spot narcissistic tendencies in a person.
Here, watch out for people who live larger than life
and like to rub it in the faces of others, are overly and
sometimes unnecessarily competitive, don’t care for
the welfare of others, and are very self-entitled. If
you spot one or more of these tendencies in a person,
it is safe to assume that you are dealing with a
narcissist. Chances are that the person will not
hesitate to manipulate you if he or she gets a good
chance of doing so. It is advisable to proceed with
caution when you come across such an individual.
 

The Machiavellian
The Oxford dictionary defines a Machiavellian as a
person who would ‘try to achieve their goals by
cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous methods.’ The
term originates from Nicolo Machiavelli’s
description of how effective leadership should be. In
his description, Machiavelli argued that an efficient
prince should use fear, deceit, cunning, ruthlessness
and duplicity if he was to properly govern his
subjects. For the purposes of our discussion, it is
clear that a person with Machiavellian traits fits our
idea of the manipulator. The very definition of the
term qualifies him as so. A Machiavellian is a
pathological and impulsive liar who would lie to you
about anything and everything.
 
Like the other two dark-triad traits already discussed,
there are signs to look out for if you want to
determine whether or not a person is Machiavellian.
The first and most obvious from the definition given
is if the person is an impulsive liar. This makes for
one of the main qualities required out to carry out a
manipulative scheme. This is because, in order to
effectively manipulate someone into doing
something, the person being targeted must not
suspect a thing. One of the manipulator’s main goals
must, therefore, be to hide his true motives. As such,
lying forms a very essential part of the manipulation.
It is important to know that lying doesn’t just come
naturally for everyone. Whereas others may be
perfectly comfortable with deceiving others even
regarding very important things, others will find it
very hard to lie about the smallest and irrelevant
pieces of information. However, deceit is a learned
trait and can develop over time. For someone to be
classified as a Machiavellian, he or she must have
honed the art of lying convincingly over a long time.
 
A close consideration of deceit reveals that at its
most basic form, it is a form of manipulation. After
all, why do people lie? Just for the fun of it? I doubt
it. Lying is done to mislead people or to shield them
from the truth. Either way, it still qualifies as a
manipulation. To explain, consider both uses of lies.
If it is used to mislead people, the culprit is
manipulated into believing that something is true
when it is not or that something is false when in fact
it is true. The agenda for this first use may be to drive
the deceiver’s personal agenda or to harm the
unsuspecting victim. A well-executed lie and a well-
crafted manipulation tactic, in this sense, are one and
the same. The other stated use of lying to shield
people from the truth is also a form of manipulation.
Take for example when after the death of a loved
one, some people close to the deceased may be
deceived so as to be eased into such tragic news. The
idea behind such lies is so as to avert other undesired
reactions or outcomes and therefore counts as a
manipulation tactic.
 
Another common character of Machiavellianism is
aggression. Machiavellian people may be aggressive
as a result of trying to get their lies to stick. At one
point or another, we all have come across those
people who tend to get aggressive, loud or even
violent for no good reason. They behave in this
manner especially when they are doubted in any
manner or when you express your reservations about
what they say. With the aim of preventing you from
following this course of action, such individuals fly
off the handle and react in various unpredictable
ways. Your attention ends up shifting from the main
point (their lies) to their actions which have sharply
changed for no apparent reason.
 
Like was the case with the other dark-triad traits, it is
clear that Machiavellianism is a strong indicator of
the propensity towards psychological manipulation.
Likewise, it is very easy to spot someone with this
tendency. As stated, the main indication for a
Machiavellian person is the tendency to lie which is
higher than that of the average person. In addition,
they lie with such confidence that it is so easy to
believe them. If you have a friend who falls under
this category, beware because chances are that you
are being taken for a ride. Another pointer is
aggression, particularly designed to avert attention or
to change an uncomfortable topic. These are the
telltale signs of a Machiavellian and it is advisable to
proceed with caution when you observe them in
someone.
 

The Nonchalant Person

Nonchalance is indifference to situations,
occurrences, consequences or people. From the face
value, nonchalance hardly seems like a character that
you might find in a manipulative person. It is one
nonetheless, and here is an example of why. Melvin
is a collector and more recently a dealer of vintage
vehicles. In his compound at any one time, you will
find the upwards of ten vintage cars at any given
time. However, he is not one to market his vehicles
as the other car dealers do, which also serves his
purpose since his main passion is collecting as
opposed to selling the vehicles. He spends several
hours each day polishing each and every one of them
and tuning then fine-tuning them to ensure that they
are in peak shape.
 
He developed an interest in turning his passion to a
profit one day after a neighbor who had been
bothering him with a request to purchase one of his
vehicles for a long time made one final offer. The car
that Mr. Shaw was interested in was a classic yellow
1965 Mustang. One morning as Melvin was going
about his business of cleaning his cars; Mr. Shaw
came and told him that he would pay one hundred
grand for the vehicle. At first, Melvin thought that he
hadn’t heard his neighbor well. “Pardon me?” He
asked. “One hundred thousand dollars. Will you take
it?” The offer was made once more. Of course, he
would take it. Mr. Shaw had more than doubled his
highest offer yet and a hundred grand was close to
five times the price that Melvin had paid for it.
 
The first few times that Mr. Shaw had offered to take
the mustang out of Melvin’s hands, he had been met
with genuine indifference however much he insisted.
Melvin was simply not ready to part with his car.
This nonchalance on Melvin’s part pushed his
neighbor to offer an obscene amount for the car he so
wanted to own. His second sale was also so lucrative
since he showed no inclination to sell in the first
place. The client kept upping their offer until finally;
he couldn’t resist it any longer. Of course, such an
approach to business will not work all the time.
Sometimes, it will backfire but Melvin was well
prepared for this. After all, when he doesn’t make a
lucrative sale, he fulfills his other passion of
collecting.
To avoid such extortionist manipulations, it is
advisable to exercise patience and have clarity of
mind when in such situations. In our example, for
instance, Mr. Shaw could have scoured the internet
for similar vintage cars at fairer prices. It would be
possible to find one since after all; Melvin bought his
at a fair price of twenty thousand dollars. Another
option would have been to engage him in a bargain
rather than offer a big amount once. Had he
systematically gone up from his last offer, there is a
fat chance that he would have landed the vehicle at a
much lower price. This way, he would have saved
himself thousands of dollars.
 
The example above takes nonchalance as an ‘act’ of
manipulation. However, genuine nonchalance can
also be a powerful manipulative tool. This is
especially since it implies that the person genuinely
couldn’t care less about the outcome of a particular
situation. Take two roommates for instance. If one
simply doesn’t care whether or not the room is tidy, it
becomes incumbent on the other one to do all the
cleaning. In this manner, nonchalance allows one to
take advantage of the other and therefore qualifies as
a manipulation indicator. It is clear how one can get
out of such a situation.
 

The Charismatic
We all have come across those people whose mere
existence is larger than life. They talk big and their
messages are always hopeful about the future.
Charismatic individuals have many followers in their
wake who take every word that comes out of their
mouths as gospel. They ooze confidence in
everything that they do and are often regarded as
visionary and progressive people.
 
To save time that may be required to analyze every
situation and every person in-depth, humans have
evolved over time to judge things or people
dependably using their face values. For instance,
consider that you are lost in a city and are looking for
someone to ask for directions. There are two people
from which you can get your directions. The first
person is a tattooed biker with a long scar running the
length of his face. He is leaning on a lamp post with
his bike by the side and he has a cigarette stuck
between his lips. The second person is a security
guard leisurely dozing off in his chair outside a store.
Which of the two would you pick to ask for
directions? A lot of people would go with the
security guard even though you might have to
inconvenience him by waking him up from his
leisurely nap.
 
For charm and charisma, it is more of the same thing
although at an even larger scale. People with
charisma often rise to the zeniths of their chosen
career paths without trying as much as the average
person would do. It is for this reason that it is
common to charismatic people at the helms of
various institutions, organizations, and governments.
Often for such individuals, their mere presence is
enough to sway crowds however they wish. This is
because they inspire and command respect and most
people have the propensity to trust them. Charisma is
not necessarily a bad thing. However, it is when
people take advantage of their magnetism that it
becomes a problem. Using superficial charm and
empty promises to advance one’s personal agendas is
just wrong.
 
It is important to note that manipulators don’t often
display the discussed characteristics in singularity. In
many cases, you will find that a person exhibits a
multiple of these traits at a go. It goes without saying
that the more such traits you observe in a person, the
higher the chances that you are dealing with a
manipulator. This next section will try to break down
some of the topics that have been discussed deeply in
the context of these characteristics. Specifically, it
will look to pinpoint where and how a manipulator
uses; psychopathic tendencies, Machiavellianism,
narcissism, charisma, nonchalance, and others to
advance their own selfish agenda through
manipulation.
 Chapter 8: How to Cope with
Manipulations
 

 
How to Cope with Manipulation in Relationships
In Marriages
Given the bonds and vows that bind couples together,
it may be a lot difficult to deal with manipulation in
marriages compared to influence in other settings or
situations. Nevertheless, there are ways to control the
same so that someone is not doomed to become a
victim for so long. The first type of marital
manipulation that was discussed in the first chapter
was seduction. A person who uses seduction as a
manipulative tool is likely to have a combination of
two of the traits discussed. These are charisma and
Machiavellianism. Charisma is likely to be present
because the person will bank a lot on his or her
superficial charm to draw their partners in. It is the
knowledge that they are irresistible to their partners
that gives these seductive manipulators the fuel they
need to execute their devious ploys. It is clear to see
where the other trait, Machiavellianism, comes in.
The inclination to lie and the ability to do so
convincingly is a very important necessity for the
success of seductive manipulation.
 
The second marital manipulation was the silent
treatment. This is when someone emotionally
distances themselves from their partners whenever
they are not happy with something. Again, this type
of manipulation can be linked with some of the traits
discussed. The main ones for this are narcissism and
nonchalance. A person who behaves in this manner is
not only childish; they are also selfish and insensitive
to the feelings of others. These are the classic signs
of a narcissist. About nonchalance, the person
behaves as though they don’t care how the
relationship goes for as long as you don’t bend to
their will. Nonchalance is how they get their partners
to conform especially in situations where they know
that their spouses are emotionally, financially, and
physically invested in the relationships.
 
The other type of manipulation in marriages was
inexplicable rage and tantrum-throwing. This type
has all the hallmarks for psychopathy. Such people
capitalize on fear to get others to do their bidding. In
marriages, this is often characterized by various
forms and varying degrees of abuse, up to and
including physical violence. The fear of such
reactions along with the desire for self-preservation
will drive someone to conform to the other one
against their will.
 
When you observe these traits and manipulations
regularly in a marriage, it is necessary to take
appropriate action. In many cases, it may be
sufficient to down and have an honest discussion
with the perpetrator. Couples need to have candid
discussions about their feelings so as to have stronger
and more fruitful relationships. Such discussions are
particularly useful where the perpetrators are not
aware of their actions. It is indeed possible to
manipulate others without meaning to. If the
offended party doesn’t speak up regarding this issue,
the manipulative habit will not only continue but will
have been strengthened. Not all situations like these
are salvageable. This is particularly with the last
manipulative tactic of temper tantrums and violence.
In such circumstances, it may be advisable to break
up with the propagator as there is no telling what he
might do next.
 

Parents and Children

As stated in the first chapter, there is a lot of
manipulation that goes on in the familial setting.
Parents manipulate their children all the time and
vice versa although the reasons for doing so for both
groups are often varied. More often than not,
manipulation by parents on their children can be
regarded as positive. This is because they are almost
always done for the benefit of the target.
 
However, in rare situations, malicious manipulations
can occur in this dynamic. For example, there was a
mother who was arrested for trafficking cocaine by
using her son as an unsuspecting mule. She was
successful all the time because the young boy never
raised alarm with the airport security as a potential
offender and was therefore never subjected to extra
scrutiny.
 
She was discovered only by chance when a neighbor
raised suspicions of the activities of the lady as a
potential drug dealer. The police raided her apartment
and confirmed the neighbor’s suspicion. Her
involvement of her son in her illegal affairs only
came up for the first time during her trial and
sentencing. The boy admitted that he sometimes
carried things for her mother only when her purse
was full or for safekeeping. “Put this in your pocket
baby and don’t you let anyone see it or know you
have it.” She would say, “Some very bad people want
to steal it from mommy.” At least that was what the
lady told her son whenever she wanted to use him
like a mule.
 
Like was the case in this example, it is very difficult
to pinpoint when our loved ones are manipulating us
for their own good. This is because we are blinded by
the love and trust that we have for them so that even
when it is clear for all others to see the guile, we still
live in denial of the evident truth. Children are more
vulnerable when it comes to this issue because they
are still immature in all senses; emotionally, mentally
and physically. It is precisely for this reason that they
will almost always fall for manipulation when it
comes to older people, especially their parents.
 
When it comes to children manipulating their parents,
it is a different thing altogether. You may assume that
this type of manipulation does not occur very
frequently for the reason that children are often none
the wiser than their parents but you will be wrong.
Parents will fall for their children’s manipulations
purely out of love and a strong urge to protect them.
It is necessary that parents become aware that if they
fall for such manipulations all the time, they may
well be aiding at derailing their children. They must
be able to exercise tough love whenever necessary. A
good way is such as by issuing punishments
whenever their children try to be manipulatively
defiant or deviant. Such moves will deter any similar
deviant future activities by minors towards their
parents.
 

How to Deal with Manipulative Friends

Is your best friend manipulating you? Do you have
that friend in your life that you find very hard to say
no to? Or do you have one that seems to require your
help at every turn? You ought to learn to tell which of
your friends are genuine and which of them are
taking you for a ride by using you for their own
selfish gains. You must be able to see which gifts
from your friends are actually gestures of their
goodwill and which ones are meant to soften you
before solicitation. To be able to do this, you should
learn to say no to some favors especially those that
have strings attached to them. By gauging the
reactions of your friend after you turn down their gift,
you will be in a position to know whether what you
turned down was a genuine gift or otherwise.
 
On the issue about a friend in need, there are only so
many times you can help out a friend before you
realize that you are being taken advantage of. Look
out for that friend who is always in need of your help
and isn’t afraid of admitting how helpful and nice
you are to them. As was explained, these
compliments are meant to take advantage of your
emotions. Naturally, after such a compliment, you
would want to continue being a nice and helpful
person. To deal with such people, you need to set
boundaries by coming out straight and telling them
what you think. Alternatively, since most of such
people are lazy by nature, you could give them a taste
of their own medicine. A good way of doing this
would be to put in a request of your own every time
they come to you for help. This way, they end up
working when this is clearly not their aim. Sooner
rather than later, such a friend will leave you for a
more acquiescing and more need-less target. You will
have beaten him or her in their own game.
 
About the good snake, you may want to pay more
attention to what they say or do whenever they are in
your company. The good snake is bound to try their
tactics on almost anybody and therefore if you spend
a considerable amount of time with them, there is a
good chance that they will try it with you. Look out
for those friends who like badmouthing others and or
spreading rumors about them. If today you are the
recipient of the rumors, rest assured that tomorrow
you will be the subject. Put a lot of consideration into
how you react to their words or how you let the same
affect your perceptions. It would be of help if after
determining that your friend is ‘a good snake’, you
begin to show disinterest or indifference to his or her
stories. This way, you will slowly detach from their
grip and they would leave you in search of new
unsuspecting marks.
 
To deal with a friend who is a deflector, you have to
have the same resilience as theirs when it comes to
putting across your point. This means that you should
apply the same—if not more—enthusiasm as they do
in making your accusations. You must, however, take
precautions that you are very sure about them lest
you begin accusing a genuinely innocent person.
Once you are sure about your accusations, stand your
ground in making your claims and provide the
necessary evidence whenever possible. Never accept
responsibility for something that you did not do. And
do not under any circumstance give in to their ploys
to change the subject when they feel cornered.
Rather, forge forward and let them know very clearly
that with you, any attempt on their side at deflection
is tantamount to a losing battle. By so doing, you will
shield yourself from manipulation by deflection.
 
How to Cope with Manipulation in Business
This is perhaps the most exploitative form of
manipulation there is. Manipulation in business
means that one person, the target, stands to lose
money at the very least. It is precisely for this reason
why everyone needs to be vigilant regarding the
different manipulative tactics that businesspeople
employ. The following section will look into how to
overcome or avoid business manipulations in the
order in which they were discussed in the second
chapter.
 
Regarding persuasive advertising, there are a lot of
things that one could do to shield themselves from
unscrupulous business people. The first and most
obvious one is to rely on your own experiences about
products or services. If, for instance, you have been
using a particular brand of a product and are satisfied
with its performance, then, by all means, keep on
using it. Don’t let yourself be lured by the attractive
business lingo that will promise you even better
performance of a product you are yet to try. This is to
say that you should always trust your opinions on
items that you have had the opportunity to try as
opposed to trying new ones thanks to all the lip-
service that the new products get.
 
It is clear that this plan of action has its flaws. First is
that it is impossible for one to have a preferred brand
for everything that he or she may desire. The other
flaw is that with the suggested rigidity, you may miss
out on trying newer products which may actually
represent real improvements from those you are used
to. As such, it is impossible to completely stay clear
from trying out new products. The question remains
the same, however. How to do so without falling prey
to underhand business tactics and manipulations?
There are a number of ways that you may do this.
 
The first one concerns the issue of unclear or
ambiguous adverts on products. Always endeavor to
find out with clarity what is contained in the adverts.
For instance, when you come across a product that
promises an extended warranty, without stating just
how long, it will be in your best interest to inquire
about the specifics of the offer. Many times, you will
find that the period is written in smaller fonts so as
not to attract the attention of potential clients. This is
because the specifics of such offers are never quite as
good in detail. When you come across an item that
beckons for you to purchase it ‘while stocks last’,
take a look around and see how many of these fast-
moving items there are. You just might be shocked.
Better, yet, never be in a rush to buy such items. Go
to the next store and check to see whether the painted
picture is accurate. After all, the chances of them
running out the minute you set your foot out of the
store are next to nil.
 
Regarding pricing, it is clear that the type of
manipulation described in the second chapter targets
only those who don’t do their homework or are too
forward regarding their wants. For example, if you
wish to purchase a vehicle from a car dealer, don’t
look too excited over the particular model you want
to buy. If you do, you will be giving the car dealer
ammo with which to destroy you during negotiations.
This is because having known the vehicle you are
interested in, he would endeavor to upsell it much
more than he would have done without the
unnecessary excitement on your part.
 
In such a situation, it would be prudent to ask
questions about a number of different vehicles while
airing nonchalance. This way, you are likely to get a
quote that is not overly exaggerated for your desired
vehicle. Also, it is advisable that you get different
quotes from different dealers regarding the same
model for comparison purposes. This idea is not only
applicable to vehicles, but also to anything that is of
significant value to you.
 
On free samples, only take them when you have a
genuine interest in purchasing the item. Remember
that you will be more inclined to buy once you have
taken a free sample regardless of whether you like it
or not. This is because it will seem a bit rude if you
walk up to a free sample stand, take your sample,
then give negative feedback, let alone walking away.
For the fear of hurting the feelings of an obvious hard
worker, you are more likely to reserve your feelings
and make the purchase after taking a free sample.
The trick, therefore, lies in refraining from taking
some if you don’t want to get yourself in an awkward
position where you are forced to purchase something
against your will.
 
When it comes to avoiding manipulation in business,
there is no foolproof plan of doing so. This is because
the tactics evolve with time and technology. The trick
is to exercise patience and to heed to the advice that
“When the deal is too good, think twice.” It might do
you good to take a step back and consider, for
instance, why you have to buy the new hot stereo
system ‘while stocks last’ when the one you have
worked just perfectly. If you value your money or
possessions, do your homework well and don’t be an
open book for everyone to read in your dealings. A
little mystery will go a long way in shielding you
from the bloodthirsty sharks of the business world.
 
How to Deal with Manipulative Empaths
Given our obvious emotional vulnerability to
empaths, it is quite difficult to know when we are
being emotionally controlled by an empath, let alone
control it. The best service you can do to yourself
regarding this is to cultivate and exercise a strong
emotional maturity and self-control. This way, even
though we cannot prevent empaths from perceiving
our emotions, we certainly will prevent them from
using these emotions to manipulate us as they wish.
 
How to Cope with Manipulation in Leadership
Is your favorite leader genuine or is he a wolf in
sheep’s skin? Does he live up to your expectations
regarding his past promises? Such questions are
avoidable if we can avoid being manipulated by such
individuals during campaign periods. As you must
have noted, there are several forms of leadership and
some manipulation is necessary, and even
encouraged in some leadership situations. It is,
however, the negative type of leadership
manipulation that is the problem and must be avoided
at all costs. Highlighted below are some of the ways
of doing so.
 
To deal with iron fist rulers, the best thing is to resist
their ascension to power with everything that you
have. However, this might not be enough to stop such
determined individuals. Given their violent natures
and very little regards for human life, it may be
advisable to lay low on this one. This move is better
for it is the one that will guarantee your self-
preservation. Be sure that laying low here does not
mean utter conformity. For instance, it would be good
if you are able to identify the different means that
such regimes use for mass brainwashing and avoid
the same. As stated, they will often target mass
brainwashing through the media as a result of its far
outreach. Having recognized this, it would be better
if you kept your exposure to such a minimum. This
way, you will maintain your integrity by shielding
yourself from brainwashing.
 
Away from manipulation by tyrants, there is a more
common form of manipulation in leadership. This is
political manipulation. There is a reason why politics
is commonly referred to as being a dirty game. It is
because politicians will pull all the stops in order for
them to get what they want. Manipulation of other
people is often the key to the game. Be it fellow
politicians turned rivals of the electorate, such
aspiring leaders will say or do virtually anything if it
guarantees them survival in the political arena. Their
lies make it very difficult for people to make
informed choices regarding their preferences on their
own representation. It is for this reason why it is very
important to be able to tell apart the lying
manipulators from the few honorable ones.
 
You should beware of political campaigns and the
messages spewed during such and other rallies. It is
advisable to size up your politicians and gauge them
for honesty before you believe another word that they
speak. There are various ways you can use to gauge
such individuals. The first and most obvious is to rely
on history. By going back to what the same politician
said in the past and judging these words by past
occurrences, you will be able to pick out the liars
from the upright politicians. For instance, if someone
has a history of making empty promises of going
back on his promises after achieving their immediate
goals, chances are, such people will repeat the same
actions and are therefore not to be trusted. It will be
best to refrain from listening to such candidates or if
unavoidable, take their words for what they are, just
words, and because that is all their words are.
 
Also on the same issue of campaigns, one should
cultivate a rational mind. As stated, exaggeration is
used a lot as a tool for manipulation. Taking a step
back and taking time to consider all the facts with a
clear mind is all it takes to know when a politician is
exaggerating. More often than you may believe, a
politician will exaggerate his or her commitment
towards service that they will vow to address certain
issues that may be out of their preview in the first
place. When you detect such a lie, if possible, point
out the discrepancies of such promises to publicly
protect others from being manipulated. This is
because personal refrain won’t do anyone any good
seeing as though without exposure, you may as well
cast their winning votes yourself. When people here
such hyped promises, they consider themselves lucky
for having a politician sent from heaven. Little do
such people know that they are being manipulated in
the first place?
 
Never believe any propaganda from a politician when
you cannot verify it. This is because neither honesty
nor decency is known to be their strong suits.
Mudslinging and slander is just the way of business
in the political game. The victims are not just the
objects of such slander, but those who are misled as
well. This is because manipulation of masses through
slander sways public opinion regarding various
candidates and therefore has the capacity of robbing
people an otherwise perfect leader for a sly
manipulator. Always endeavor to find out the truth of
the matter regarding such issues. One way is by
relying on credible news outlets that have been
established as such as opposed to listening to the
numerous rumor-mongers who masquerade as such.
 
Regarding the issue of luring campaign financiers, it
is clear how such manipulations can lead to a
disservice to the public. A perfect example is when
the politician, after a successful campaign, has to
repay back the financiers. Such paybacks are often at
a great expense for the public. For instance, one may
be required to influence the awarding of government
tenders towards their benefactors. In many cases,
such people have a poor delivery track record or
obscenely inflate their prices and as such, contracting
them for anything will be equivalent to flushing
public money down the drain.
 
To deal with this requires tightening of campaign
policies to prevent such manipulations. A good
example of such tightening is by putting a roof in the
amounts that a single donor can give to a particular
candidate. Another one is by limiting the powers of
individuals so that no one person has the capacity to
make huge decisions that may allow them to make
good on their promises. Such moves will go a long
way in discouraging such manipulations at public
expense in the future.
 
How to Deal with the Manipulative Con
There is a saying that ‘a sucker is born every minute
and for each one, there is someone ready to take
advantage of them’. Whereas the accuracy of this
statement may be put under contention, one thing
about it cannot be contested. This is the fact that
there are so many people who fall for the tricks of
others as though they have no capacity to think at all.
The sad truth of the matter, however, is that we are all
suckers given the right timing and the right
instruments. A proper conman will have a fully
qualified accountant eating out of his palm regarding
issues to do with accounting and the latter will be
none the wiser that they are being taken for a ride.
 
If you put your guard down, be sure that somebody
somewhere won’t hesitate to take advantage of you.
To shield yourself from potential scammers, it is
important to know how they operate. As stated
before, such confidence people play with people’s
emotions and take advantage of your innermost urges
by presenting themselves as perfect vehicles for their
fulfillment. Knowing this will make it a lot easier to
identify and evade the traps of an evil schemer who is
out to manipulate you out of your possessions.
 
The first thing that you need to do is never to make
important decisions or commitments when you are
emotionally vulnerable. Of course, the problem here
would be the identification of your emotionally
vulnerable moments. It is often difficult for people to
concede to others and themselves that they need help
whenever they are struggling inside. They put on a
strong face and soldier on determined to face
whatever troubles they have alone. This inability to
confess to yourself of your troubles means that you
will likely have a problem in identifying your
emotionally vulnerable moments. Rest assured that
an experienced con will see through all your
pretenses and sooner rather than later you will
become his intended target.
 
It is important to note at this point that it is not only
when you are emotionally low that you are a
potential target for confidence artists. The opposite is
also true and has been used with just as much if not
more success on several occasions in the past. In
moments of elation and euphoria, you are just as
likely to make irrational decisions as in moments of
depression. If you don’t want to be manipulated or
taken advantage of, learn to recognize these moments
and refrain from making important decisions then. As
has been stated, for some people, the first step
towards this may be the acceptance of one’s situation.
We must accept the fact that emotional upheavals are
common to all and their occurrences are by no means
a pointer of weakness.
 
Moments of emotional confusion are the most
attractive to cons. This is because, during these
moments, you are more likely to be receptive to their
manipulative advances. An example of an emotional
confusion moment is the period of emotional
fluctuations such as when some terrible news comes
in the wake of very good news. At that moment, you
will become both happy and sad. Another example is
when great relief immediately follows a moment of
fright or panic. At that very moment, before your
emotions settle, you will be emotionally confused.
Research shows that people often portray signs of
incapacity to process thoughts during these moments
and are more likely to acquiesce to any requests
made.
 
Another way to avoid falling into tricks of cons is by
exercising patience. Never allow yourself to be
rushed into any decisions against your will or better
judgment for this is how cons operate. A con will
present his case in the most attractive way while all
the time hinting at the importance of urgency for the
success of more profits. This suggested urgency is
meant to stop people from thinking twice about and
possibly second-guessing their idea so this is
precisely what you should do. It is even more
important to be patient when you think that the deal
is too good to be true because it probably is. You can
expect that a determined con will have done his or
her assignment regarding your most pressing needs
and will approach you with precisely what you need
at that particular time.
 Conclusion
 

Thank you for making it through to the end! I hope it

was informative and able to provide you with all of
the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever
they may be. This book may be used along with any
others that have been written on the topic. The scope
of this book alone is a pointer to the prevalence of
psychological manipulation in today’s society. The
information contained herein would serve you much
better if you do further research on the topics covered
so as to expand your knowledge base.
 
The next step is to apply the information gathered in
real life. Take a step back and try to really understand
why people do what they do. Always ask yourself
what the other person’s true motives are. This should
give you the answer on whether or not you trust him
or whether or not you want to be involved with them.
Make the world your classroom and the people you
interact with on different levels as your books. By so
doing, you will succeed in making manipulators very
difficult to get to you.
 
  
 
Mental Models
 

The Complete Guide to Learn the

Fundamentals of Mental Training and
Improve Focus and Self-Discipline.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

By
Brandon Dark
 Introduction
 

 
There are many books about mental models on the
market, so thank you for choosing this one to guide
the beginning of your journey. Every effort was made
to ensure that each mental model was researched and
discussed in depth so you can use them to reach your
goals and realize your true potential. Please enjoy!
 

You are probably already successful. In one way or

another, everyone is. You’re a great mom or dad, life
coach, or football coach. You excel in the classroom
or at your part-time weekend job. You own the floor
of the conference room, or you own the floor of the
salon. At some point during the week, you are the
champion of something.
 
But as certain as that’s a truth, so is this: there is
something else to be gained from your life. There is
an area of your day-to-day schedule that you wish
were better. There is something that you do not excel
at that you wish you did. You feel stuck. Stopped. At
a dead end. You’ve been running ruts in the same old
places, championing the same old things. It’s time for
a change, and you know it. That’s why you’re here.
 
This book will focus on the root of every success and
every failure you’ve ever had. It will teach you to
think about how you think and convince you that
your new success story starts in a very familiar place:
your own mind.
 
You’ve heard it before that thoughts become actions,
actions become habits, and habits become your
destiny (cite source). Now is the time to put that to
the test. Introducing: mental models.
 
Mental models are the set of lenses you see the world
through. They’re the principles you use to guide your
life. You use mental models when making important
decisions, like whether to take that job across the
country or stay closer to home and family. You use
mental models at work when your boss is
micromanaging your projects. You use mental
models when you’re making a to-do list.
 
Picture this: you’re in line at a cafe with a few friends
grabbing lunch. The line behind you is hectic: a
toddler is screaming, and her mother is talking over
her to soothe the nervous breakdown that’s about to
occur. A man in a suit a few people back is on his
phone, furrowing his eyebrows and practically
shouting over the mother and her child. People are
elbowing each other to get closer to the menu on the
wall. You’re staring down the menu yourself,
decoding the tiny lettering on the chalkboard into
choices, when all of a sudden, you hear your name
being called. Your friends have ordered, and now it’s
your turn.
 
The line swells behind you, and you blurt out, “I’ll
have whatever they’re having,” just to get out of the
way. Sound familiar? Then you’ve used a mental
model called social proof. It’s a theory that says when
you’re unsure about something, even as small as a
sandwich, and especially if you’re under added
pressure, as the roaring crowd of a cafe line behind
you, you might just do what everybody else is doing.
 
How about this one: activation energy. It’s a term
probably faintly ringing a bell in the back of your
brain because you learned about it in high school
Chemistry or Physics in college. In science, this term
denotes the energy from a chemical with a potential
reactant needed to create the desired chemical
reaction. In everyday life, however, this term is a
mental model meaning the minimal amount of energy
necessary to get something done.
 
Last week when you sent three loads of laundry
through the washer and dryer and then set them in
their baskets at the foot of your bed to be folded
later? You were exercising this mental model:
activation energy.
 
Even your seven-year-old nephew uses mental
models. When he tugs at your pant leg or follows you
around the kitchen island asking, “Why? Why?
Why,” until he’s satisfied, he’s using the mental
model Proximate Versus Root Cause. If he asked you
why you’re hiding in the kitchen instead of hanging
out in the living room with the rest of the family, and
you gave him a “distal cause,” (an answer that’s
correct but isn’t the exact reason why), he will
continue to ask until the “root cause” (the exact heart
of the issue) is found.
 
So why does it matter? If you’re already using mental
models unknowingly, how can harnessing them help
you find your purpose, enhance your happiness, and
strengthen your relationships? The way you think
determines the way you act, and the way you act
determines where you’re going. If you want to have a
better relationship with your parents, it starts in your
mind, with your thoughts: you have to rethink the
relationship you already have with them. Maybe you
blame them for things that happened in the past, and
you have to work on forgiving them first. Maybe you
think that as parents, it’s their responsibility to reach
out to you first to mend the relationship. If you
continue to think in this pattern, the same way you
always have, your relationship will never change. But
if you really want to have a better relationship with
your mom and dad, you will reframe it in your mind.
You will change your thoughts, which will change
your actions.
 
Mental models are a tool to change those thoughts. If
you struggle with self-image, you can’t just say, “I’m
going to be more confident now,” and wake up one
day feeling like a rock star. You need tools to get you
there. You need new ways of thinking that don’t
come from yourself.
 
This book will introduce several new mental models
that you can put into place. Even if you’re just now
learning about mental models for the first time, these
will help you to achieve your goals because you’re
thinking about them in a new way you never have
before.
 
The key to using mental models successfully is using
them purposefully, and that’s exactly what the
following chapters will discuss. Success in any form
starts in your mind. It starts with an idea, a passion,
or motivation. The difference between people who
get what they want and people who don’t is what
those people choose to do after the lightning strikes
them. The next chapter will outline three people who
had a goal, just like you and chose to get serious
about using mental models to propel their passions
forward.
 
One man is known for his brilliance. He’s turning the
world as we know it upside down, and he’s wildly
successful. Why? Because he thinks differently than
any other entrepreneur out there. He has big plans for
outer space, for smartphone technology, and
automobiles. Oh, and he’s a billionaire.
 
The next mental model creator we’ll learn about is a
scientist whose discoveries have prevailed since the
1930s, and are still applicable to your life, your
thoughts, and your dreams today.
 
Finally, we’ll discover a huge name in mental
models, and how he used a plethora of them to gain
his wealth as an investor and a businessman.
 
Think of the first time you realized you felt stuck and
the chain of events that led you to that moment.
Think of the things that crossed your mind as you
read the description for this book and decided it was
time to change your mind to change your life. Take a
moment right now before you go on to the next
chapter and decide what this book is going to do for
you. Hone in on your goals until they’re crystal-clear
in your mind. Are you ready to achieve them?
 Chapter 1: A History of Popular Mental
Models
 

 
Elon Musk and the First Principles Mental Model
 

If you’ve been on the internet at any point in the past

couple of decades, you know who Elon Musk is. He’s
the CEO of Tesla, a car manufacturer geared toward
mass-producing affordable electric cars, solar roofs,
and battery products. He’s the man behind PayPal,
which started as X.com and was later acquired by
eBay (making Musk his first billion dollars).
 
As a ten-year-old, he taught himself to program
computers, and as a twelve-year-old, he sold his first
creation (a videogame called Blastar). He is currently
involved with a few ground-breaking projects, such
as Nueralink, which is a tiny implant in the brain that
connects through Bluetooth to a smartphone. Simply
said, Elon Musk might be one of the most brilliant
and successful men today, and he uses mental
models.
 
One, in particular, Musk is known for citing in
interviews is called the first principles model. This
model reaches all the way back to the Classical
period (and to the Greek philosopher that probably
ruled your Psychology and English classrooms:
Aristotle). Aristotle believed that every instance of
new philosophical belief began by tracing the belief
backward until the thinker reached the original,
baseline truths the belief was built upon. Rene
Descartes thought similarly that philosophy could be
fleshed out by doubting everything about the belief
until he came to the simple truth buried beneath the
philosophy (one that could no longer be doubted
because it was absolutely true). Using the first
principles model, these famous philosophers worked
to create original thoughts instead of looking at other
thoughts and changing them incrementally to make a
new version of the same thought. In simpler terms,
this mental model seeks to break down complicated
problems to turn them into original solutions.
 
The principle works by taking the complicated
problem and, like Aristotle and Descartes, reducing it
into simple truths until it’s boiled down so far that it
absolutely cannot be deduced any further. With the
first principles method, you won’t reason from
analogy or what you’ve seen done, but rather from
the bones of the problem itself. Instead of asking,
“How have I seen this done before and how can I
modify that to work for me,” ask yourself, “What am
I absolutely sure is true in this instance, and how can
I build from there?”.
 
In 2002, Elon Musk decided to send a rocket to Mars:
something that had never been done before. He set
off on a mission to make it happen and quickly ran
into a huge roadblock: rockets are expensive. Even
after shopping around the world at different
aerospace manufacturers, he found that a rocket
would cost somewhere around $65 million.
Famously, using the first-principles mental model,
Musk began to boil down the problem (rockets are
expensive) by asking, “What are rockets made of?”
After compiling an ingredients list, he researched
each product for their cost as a stand-alone item.
 
It turned out that buying the pieces for a rocket was
only about two percent of the cost of buying a ready-
made rocket. In this case, using the first-principles
model led to Musk building a rocket himself by
purchasing each product separately and launching a
world-changing company to do it: SpaceX.
 
Space Exploration Technologies Corporation was
born in 2002 and is Musk’s third company. Since the
establishment, SpaceX has accomplished incredible
things and made history on several accounts. In 2008,
NASA awarded the company with a contract to carry
supplies to the International Space Station for
astronauts stationed there instead of using their own
shuttles. Elon Musk is brilliant, but these
insurmountable achievements are partly, if not totally,
because he refused to go along with the status quo
and instead used a mental model to think in a
different way.
 
That’s a great story, but we’re not all out here
building rockets to send to outer space. Not all of us
are engineers, or science-driven, or billionaires. But
we all have complicated problems that can be
simplified into original solutions. One of those
complicated problems we all deal with at some point
during our lives is the dreaded P-word: purpose.
 
It’s one of those huge life questions that it seems a
person has to answer at some point to feel totally
fulfilled. “What is my purpose? Why am I here? How
am I going to make a difference?” Like anything else,
there is a typical track to “finding your purpose.”
 
It usually begins at high school graduation. As late
teenagers, we attempt to boil down our interests and
skills into a single or a couple of words that will fit
into a college major. We go to school, we graduate,
we get a job, we make a family, and we call it a day.
If you dropped out of college, or your path didn’t
work out as cleanly as that short sentence did, you
may be struggling to find the answer to this question.
In typical human form, you may be looking around at
what other people do. You scan over lists of career
aptitudes until you find one that makes you think,
“Hey, I could do that!” Then you boil it down to a
college major, go to school, graduate, rinse, wash,
and repeat.
 
This is the normal path to the greater question: “What
is my purpose?” This is the path of buying a rocket
outright even though it’s incredibly expensive. So,
what is the alternative here?
 
You can use the same first-principles model that
gained Elon Musk success and fame. All you have to
do is simplify what you want to do with your life into
the smallest, most deducible truths. Suppose someone
told you early on that you should be a special needs
teacher because you have a unique compassion for
people living with disabilities. The first-principles
mental model asks you, “What do you know to be
true?” In this case, what you know to be true is you
feel comfortable around people with disabilities and
feel special compassion for them.
 
That’s your truth, and you can do any number of
things with it without having to fit the model
everyone else follows. You can create products that
ease the way of life for people confined to
wheelchairs. You can lead online or in-person classes
designed to teach able-bodied people how to treat
others with special needs respectfully.
 
Once you have boiled down the things that excite you
and motivate you to their simplest forms, you can
dream as big as you want. You don’t have to simply
take someone else’s path and tailor it to your life.
You can pave your own path and make your own life
from scratch and come out successfully, just like
Elon Musk did with SpaceX. That’s the first-
principles model.
 
Ivan Pavlov and Classical Conditioning
 

If you have any interest in Psychology or were forced

to take a general education requirement at some
point, the name Ivan Pavlov might ring a bell. Pavlov
was a Russian physiologist that made a serendipitous
discovery that changed the world of mental models
and psychology forever. His experiment wasn’t on
people, though: Pavlov was studying canines when
this epiphany struck.
 
The year was 1890, and Pavlov’s lab room was
overtaken by dogs and dog food. His theory was that
when a dish of food is placed in front of a dog, it will
stimulate a response: salivating. He would have his
assistant place a dish of food in front of the dog and
then measure the amount of salivation produced in
the dog’s cheek. After time went by, though, Pavlov
realized something was occurring that he didn’t
expect.
 
He noticed that the dogs actually began to salivate
before they even saw the food in front of them. They
were triggered to begin salivating as soon as they
heard Pavlov’s assistant walking down the hall to
bring the food into the room. The dogs had somehow
learned that the approaching footsteps of Pavlov’s
assistant were related to their dinnertime, which
triggered the response: salivating.
 
Fascinated, Pavlov began another series of
experiments. He played the metronome (similar to
the rhythm of his assistant’s tapping feet) for the
dogs. Not surprisingly, hearing the metronome by
itself didn’t make the dogs salivate. Then he began
the learning process, which he calls conditioning. He
played the metronome just before the dogs were fed.
 
After repeating this procedure over and over again,
he played the metronome on its’ own, without giving
the dogs any food. At this point, however, the dogs
had learned that the sound of the metronome was
supposedly linked with eating time. Even without
being presented with food, this time upon hearing the
metronome’s tones, the dogs began to salivate just as
if their food were right in front of them.
 
Thirty years later, a psychologist named John Watson
reads about Pavlov’s discoveries, and thinks to
himself, “Could classical conditioning work for
humans, too?” He decided to conduct a horrifying set
of experiments on an infant called Little Albert using
the same experimental process Pavlov had used with
his dogs. Watson showed the nine-month-old several
objects on their own to note his responses to them
(much like Pavlov sounding the metronome at the
beginning of the experiment).
 
Little Albert was surprisingly unemotional when
approached with a rabbit, a white rat, and even a few
scary masks. What Watson did find, though, was that
making a loud noise behind Little Alberts’s head
frightened him so much he would burst into tears
immediately (in this case, Albert crying out of fear is
related to the dogs salivating out of hunger). Watson
then began to condition the poor baby.
 
He would show Little Albert the white rat, and soon
after, would make the loud noise just behind Little
Albert to scare him (the equivalent of Pavlov
sounding the metronome and then displaying the
food dish). After seven trials over seven weeks, Little
Albert only had to see the white rat before he would
burst into tears, without the frightening noise ever
occurring.
 
He had learned that the rat was associated with a
loud, scary noise. Just like the dogs had learned by
association that the metronome meant food was
approaching, Albert learned that the rat meant a scary
noise was coming.
 
That was just the beginning. Classical conditioning is
much more than just salivating dogs or scaring
babies. In fact, whether you notice it or not, classical
conditioning is probably already a part of your world.
Remember that time you got food poisoning the day
after a cookout, and now refuse to eat hot dogs? How
about the night you drank too much tequila and
looking at the bottle the next day made you queasy?
Each of these is an example of classical conditioning.
Your body has associated hot dogs, or tequila, with
throwing up.
 
Granted, if the association only occurred once, rather
than several trials over time, the association will be
weaker. You might be eating hot dogs or drinking
tequila again in no time. But imagine if you put this
mental model into practice on purpose to achieve
goals that aren’t necessarily fun to do on their own.
 
For example, say every time you sit down and
organize your budget, you reward yourself with a
latte or a candy bar. After several trials over several
weeks, just thinking of your electricity bill or your
car payment might make you smile, thinking of
foamed milk or melt-in-your-mouth chocolate. If you
associate something mundane, like doing your
budget, with something pleasurable, like a latte, you
might even look forward to checking up on how your
money is doing. Conditioning yourself this way
means you will find a way to work unpleasant habits
that really need to be done into your schedule more
often. Let’s walk through the phases of classical
conditioning and see how it’s done.
 
First, there are some important terms for you to know
as you begin your own classical conditioning
experiment.
An unconditioned stimulus creates an
unconditioned response.
A neutral stimulus creates no response.
The pairing of the unconditioned
stimulus and the neutral stimulus elicits a
conditioned response because the
unconditioned stimulus is present.
 
It sounds a lot more complicated than it is. You can
do this, I promise. Just hang in there! The first two
linked terms are the ‘unconditioned stimulus,’ which
produces an ‘unconditioned response.’ In Pavlov’s
experiment, the unconditioned stimulus was the food,
and the unconditioned response to that stimulus was
salivating. For Little Albert, his unconditioned
stimulus was the scary sound, and his unconditioned
response to that scary sound was crying.
 
Simply put, an unconditioned stimulus is something
that is already present in your life and produces a
response from you without any learning or
conditioning needed. When the unconditioned
stimulus is presented to you, you have a natural
response to it. If you already like chocolate
(unconditioned stimulus), your response when you
eat it (joy!) doesn’t have to be learned. Eating
chocolate (unconditioned stimulus) elicits joy
(unconditioned response). For your purposes, choose
an unconditioned stimulus, or reward, that really
motivates you to get something done in order to
enjoy it! Still with me?
 
The next term is “neutral stimulus.” For Pavlov, it
was the sounding of the metronome. For Little
Albert, it was seeing the white rat all on its’ own. For
our example, it will be the annoying or taxing habit
you really should do but really don’t want to do.
Maybe it is budgeting. Budgeting, or whatever
annoying habit you want to condition yourself to like
(neutral stimulus), at this moment creates no response
from you.
 
Here’s the most complicated part. If chocolate
(unconditioned stimulus) elicits joy (unconditioned
response), then when it is paired with budgeting
(neutral stimulus) which usually creates no response,
then the conglomeration of the two (unconditioned
stimulus and neutral stimulus) will illicit the now-
conditioned stimulus, joy. See what’s happening
here? You’re training your mind to think that
budgeting is as pleasurable as chocolate is. Let’s go
over that one more time:
 An unconditioned stimulus creates an
unconditioned response.
Chocolate elicits joy.
A neutral stimulus creates no response.
Budgeting elicits no response.
The pairing of the unconditioned
stimulus and the neutral stimulus elicits a
conditioned response because the
unconditioned stimulus is present.
Eating chocolate while you budget
elicits joy because chocolate is
present.
 
Now you try. What is an unpleasurable habit or task
item that you really should do more often? What is a
motivational, driving force you can reward yourself
with to get that done? Maybe you’d like to drink less
soda and replace it by drinking more water. You
could keep a soda and a water bottle with you during
the day, and every time you finish a water bottle, you
get to drink a soda.
 
Maybe you have a hard time getting out of bed in the
morning, and it makes you late to work (who hasn’t
been there?). You could buy a special kind of coffee
(or coffee creamer) and reward yourself with it in the
morning you get out of bed without pressing snooze
the second time. Whatever your habit might be,
classical conditioning is a mental model that can
definitely help.
 
Tips for Using Pavlov’s Classical Conditioning:
Don’t get too hung up on the lingo. Choose a
habit you don’t like to do but wish you did
more often and pair it with something you do
like. It’s as simple as that.
The trick to using this mental model is
repetition over time. Remember: Little Albert
 wasn’t afraid of the white rat when the
experiments began. It was seven weeks later,
after seven separate trails, that the
conditioning really began to set in. Give
yourself at least a month before you decide to
quit.
Choose an unconditioned stimulus (or
reward) that is easily accessible (and
preferably, doesn’t require anyone else to
execute). You want your unconditioned
stimulus to be readily available, so you’re not
stuck one day budgeting without your
chocolate.
 
Charlie Munger, Warren Buffet, and Cognitive
Biases
 

Dairy Queen and Pampered Chef: if you haven’t

heard of these next giants in mental models history,
then you’ve definitely heard of these two companies
their business owns. Berkshire Hathaway is the
fourth-largest public company in the world, and its’
CEO and Vice Chairman use a model of over one
hundred mental models to make their financial
decisions.
 
Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger are men from
Omaha, Nebraska. They met through a mutual friend
at a dinner party there, where they realized they had
both worked at the same local grocery store as
teenagers. The rest is history. The duo has been
friends for over sixty years, and business partners for
over four decades.
 
Warren Buffet has had a knack for finances since his
youth, buying his first stock at eleven years old and
cultivating several businesses as a teenager, including
a profitable pinball machine business in local
barbershops. He graduated from Columbia University
and began work at a law firm in New York with his
mentor.
 
After the firm closed, Buffet returned home to create
his own business, Buffet Partnerships, in 1956. This
business quickly accrued wealth after expanding into
seven different partnerships, and as a 32-year-old,
Buffet enjoyed life as a millionaire. Eventually,
Buffet merged the partnerships (first as a textiles
company and then moving to insurance), and
Berkshire Hathaway was born.
 
Meanwhile, Charlie Munger attended Harvard Law
School and co-founded a law firm, Munger, Tolles, &
Olson, LLP (which still exists today). Buffet
eventually convinced Munger to leave the practice to
harness his full potential as the Vice Chairman of
Berkshire Hathaway in 1978. These two friends, with
a combined net worth of over $80 billion, continue to
work with no announcement of retirement in the
future, even at 95 and 88 years old.
 
Their incredible wealth and success are, you guessed
it, due partially to their adherence to mental models.
What’s interesting and different about this
partnership compared to the two models we’ve
explored so far, is that Munger and Buffet don’t
choose just one mental model to guide their
decisions: they choose a cornucopia.
 
The two first cited their success as mental model
subscribers in Charlie Munger’s Commencement
speech at the Marshall Business School of University
of Southern California Business in 1994. In this
thirty-seven-minute speech alone, Munger alluded to
at least six different mental models. He adheres to
these mental models to make him a better investor, a
more self-disciplined person, and a well-informed
decision-maker.
 
Munger says that mental models are only useful if
they’re part of a toolkit. You have to create your own
expansion of mental models to work into your
everyday through the process, interacting together,
for them to have the highest success rate. Rather than
listing the hundreds of mental models Munger and
Buffet subscribe to, let’s take a look at one important
factor of mental models that Munger says is the
epitome of his work.
 
Munger asserts time and time again that limiting your
potential failures is more important than appearing to
be brilliant. Brilliance either fades and is forgotten
about or crashes and burns because it’s a prideful
facade that can’t be maintained. Being smart and
recognizing your cognitive biases, however, limits
your potential downsides.
 
What’s a cognitive bias? It’s any kind of idea that we
as humans are prone to that deviate from logic or
distract from mental models themselves. An
important aspect of mental models Munger
recognizes is their relationship with cognitive biases.
Cognitive biases are really important to understand,
and also very important to recognize in your own
thought processes and behaviors. What kinds of
biases can you be prone to? Let’s do a quick crash
course on a couple of popular cognitive biases.
 
Cognitive Bias #1: Anchoring
 

Anchoring is a cognitive bias that occurs when

focusing too much on a single piece of information.
You hear one fact and put your blinders on, rendering
yourself ignorant to the rest of the picture at hand.
Disallowing as much information as possible from
entering your problem-solving is a disservice to
yourself.
 
However, if you’re aware that you are typically
subject to this cognitive bias, you are more likely to
recognize when you’re putting it into place. It’s
easily fixable to expand your horizon to allow more
information in. Often times, this will also make it
easier for you to solve the problem because you can
see the entire picture.
 
Few things are more frazzling than popping a tire and
ending up on the side of the road, especially if you
lack the necessary tools to change the tire, or even
the spare tire itself. In this situation, you could feel
yourself slipping into despair, concentrating on how
you, stranded by yourself, are going to get this tire
fixed.
 
However, if you just read this chapter and remember
thinking about the anchoring cognitive bias, you
might allow yourself to sit back on your heels and
take a breath. You might realize that this situation
requires a little bit more creativity and information
than you’re currently allowing through your blinders.
 
Before learning about anchoring, you might have
walked up the street three miles in your business
casual attire and muscled a spare tire all the way back
to your car to wrangle it on your own. But now, you
hear Munger tsk-ing in your head, telling you that
your pride and your thirst for brilliance is allowing
more room for failure. Now you are enabled to
recognize your cognitive bias and usher in creativity.
 
Instead, you could take in more information: maybe
after inspecting the tire further, you realize it’s just a
nail. Looking across the street, you realize further
that there is a gas station where you could put more
air in your tire to get it to the tire shop up the street.
Once you’re at the tire shop, the mechanics can
replace (or maybe even patch) your tire. Another
option would be to call a friend or a family member
and have them (and all their unique mental models)
come to help you out so you can figure it out
together. There are so many more solutions when all
the information is allowed to come into play.
 
Cognitive Bias #2: Confirmation Bias
 
Another cognitive bias that may get in the way of
your mental model work is the confirmation bias.
This bias is in use when you have a preconceived
idea about something, and you walk into the situation
to gather the information that will confirm the idea
you created before you ever came into contact with
the situation.
 
In other words, you decide what you want to see, and
then you see what you want to see. Confirmation bias
comes into play all the time in day-to-day life, but the
first example that comes to mind is a relational one.
 
Think about the cliché “bringing a guy home to meet
your parents for the first time” story. Dad is already
convinced the guy’s a punk. When your boyfriend
comes to the door, Dad, who has it in mind that this
kid is bad news, no matter what, takes one look at his
untucked shirt and spiked-up hair and thinks to
himself, “This guy doesn’t even care enough to make
himself presentable.”
 
Later in the night, the boyfriend shares that he works
at the ice cream parlor after dropping out of college,
and Dad thinks again, “No good. He’s got no future.”
The night goes on, and more and more, Dad neglects
to see all of the good aspects of the future courtship
and sees only what he had decided to see before the
boyfriend ever approached the door.
 
Boyfriend anecdote aside, confirmation bias occurs
every day. We make assumptions about people based
on the color of their skin, the behavior of their
children, or the way they dress, and we look for clues
to confirm that our narrow-minded stereotypes are
correct. You expect the homeless man on the corner
to be strung-out, so when he speaks to you with a slur
because he’s dehydrated and barely lucid, you see
intoxication.
 
You assume that the guy who’s always at the office
leaves the parenting to his wife, so when he misses
yet another recital, you assume it’s because he
doesn’t care about his kids. There is always more to
the picture than we expect, and operating on the
assumption that your first idea is correct and then
searching for information to back it up is always
going to leave you flailing.
 
Recognizing confirmation bias will do more for you
than making you a less judgmental person. It will
make you a better communicator. Even you think you
know what your colleague or friend or child is about
to say, you might pause and allow them to speak, and
be surprised by the ideas that come out. Instead of
assuming what a person means by their statement,
you might ask more questions and allow them to
flesh out their idea, which will earn you respect
points and a greater understanding of what they were
trying to say.
 
Recognizing confirmation bias will also inform your
decisions at work better. Casting aside assumptions
about what a project will look like, or what kind of
information you need to complete a presentation will
allow you a greater vantage point to receive
information that might be ground-breaking.
Throwing confirmation bias to the wolves could lead
to great success, just like Warren Buffet and Charlie
Munger.
 
Tips for Recognizing Your Cognitive Biases:
Do your own research. There are hundreds of
different cognitive biases other than the ones
listed here. They will all inhibit your
 learning, decision-making, relationships,
work, and journey with mental models.
Once you are familiar with several different
kinds of cognitive biases, start to recognize
them in your day-to-day interactions, and
watch for patterns. Where would you have
room to grow if you let go of these biases?
Realize that this, just like anything else, is
going to be a process. Conquering your
cognitive biases takes time and is a massive
undertaking. Be patient with your growth
process.
 
Are you ready to learn more about these tools that
names like Elon Musk, Ivan Pavlov, and Charlie
Munger made their fame and their fortune with?
These men may all be billionaires or millionaires and
huge names in their industries, but don’t let that
discourage you into thinking that you can’t achieve
great success, too. Remember that achievements all
begin in your mind. Accomplishing your goals and
becoming who you were made, to begin with how
you think and the way you think.
 
These big names all started out the same way you and
I did. Elon Musk’s parents divorced when he was ten.
Ivan Pavlov didn’t even start in the same school of
thought he ended with: he actually began his studies
in theology. Charlie Munger and Warren Buffet were
just law school grads who at one point worked in
Buffet’s grandpa’s grocery store.
 
They are all normal people who harnessed the power
of their minds and trained themselves to use tools
like mental models to be more successful than they’d
ever dreamed. You can be just like them. You can use
your thoughts to get anywhere you want to go. It
starts here. Let’s talk about concentration.
 Chapter 2: Concentration and Focus
Using Mental Models
 

Concentrate. Your mom used this word as a

command as your attention drifted away from your
homework, sitting at the kitchen table as a kid.
Concentrate. Your teacher said it and gave you a look
during a test when you were making too much noise.
Concentrate. You told yourself in the late-night hours
as you struggled to pound out a paper or presentation
and your mind was already mush.
 
Concentration is a word that’s been used so often and
for so long in our lives that we have never studied it,
and especially not to learn how it can affect every
level of success.
 
Maybe as a kid, concentration was little more than a
command from your parents when you got restless or
a warning from an authority figure when you were
about to get in trouble. But now, concentration is the
key to really utilizing mental models and an
important tool to further your journey to achieve your
goals.
 
This single word means the ability to let go of
everything else in a moment- every other thought,
feeling, project, or situation- and focus all of your
efforts on whatever is in front of you. As a bonus, it
relates to every single area of your life that you’re
looking to improve. Let me show you.
 
Work/Business
Concentrating on one work project at a time is
practicing good time management. It means that
you’re focusing all of your energy and resources on
one project to make a quality product. When you
concentrate on one thing at a time rather than doing a
couple or several different projects at a time, fewer
details will go overlooked.
 
Fewer things will fall through the cracks. You will
enjoy the pride you feel when you reach the end of
the project, knowing that you completed it to the best
of your ability because you were able to concentrate
on just that.
 
This is true regardless of what kind of business
you’re in. If you’re a car salesman and you
concentrate all of your energy on one family or buyer
at a time, your sale will go much more smoothly
because the car buyer will feel at ease with you and
trust you.
 
If you’re a full-time stay-at-home parent,
concentrating on one task at a time at home will
ensure that if only one task is done that day besides
keeping your kid alive, it will be done well. If you’re
an entrepreneur, concentrating on making one idea or
one product come to life will make that one product
shine because you devoted all of your energy to it.
 
Relationships
Concentration is also a priceless tool in relationships,
especially in the realm of communication. This area
of your life as it relates to concentration also has to
do with time management. If you balance your time
between work, relationships, and alone time well
enough that you can afford to devote singular
attention to each category during their allotted time
period, each area will succeed much better than if the
lines bled and you were forced to multi-task between
them.
 
Your friends and family can tell when you are
distracted, or your mind isn’t totally concentrated on
the conversation at hand. When your mind is forced
to share its’ concentration between two categories at
once, neither area ends up with quality time. That
project at work you’re trying to reason out at the
dinner table isn’t going to be your best work anyway,
because you’re not devoting adequate attention to it.
 
At the same time, you are missing sharing in human
interactions with your family, and later, you might
not have any memory at all of the conversation that
was had. You will have missed out on time with your
loved ones while not really accomplishing anything
important. It’s a losing game trying to divide your
attention. Concentrate on where you are.
 
Finding Your Purpose
If you’re on a quest to find your purpose, you will do
better choosing one path and concentrating all of
your energy on it than leaving several paths open and
dabbling in each. The further you delve into a single
path, the more you will know about it, and the more
you will be able to consider whether it’s really what
you want to do with your life or not.
 
Leaving several paths open for discussion will
distract you from devoting full attention to any one of
them. It will take a lot longer to rule out or decide on
any one path if you can’t find the concentration to
focus on just one. Simplify, and concentration will be
easier.
 
Additional benefits of concentration:
Accomplishing goals faster and more
systematically
Better-quality work or time
Less stress and anxiety than multi-tasking
More productive time and energy spent
Practice helpful for time management
discipline
Improves communication and relationships
Improves self-image and others’ image of
you
Clearer mind open to more opportunities and
inspiration
A less hectic and happier life
 
Concentration is a self-discipline that will affect all
of these realms of your life and more. This chapter
will teach you about a couple of mental models that
will help you grow stronger this discipline and urge
you forward on the path to success.
 
Scenario Analysis
 

Somehow, it’s already Monday again. You wake up

to the rude blare of your alarm sounding the signal to
get up and get ready for the onslaught of the day
ahead. Maybe you’re headed to the morning shift at a
restaurant a few miles down. Maybe you’re about to
go wake up the kids and get breakfast going. Maybe
you’re mentally preparing yourself for another nine-
to-five at the office.
 
In any case, you push back the covers and drag
yourself to the shower. You let your mind go blank as
the hot water rushes over you, you dry off, and step
out. You glance in the mirror as you brush your teeth
and your eyes are glazed over still, not quite awake
yet. At some point after your second cup of coffee,
you kick into high-gear and drag out your laptop for
some last-minute catch-up before the day begins,
grab an apple, and jet out the door for another manic
Monday.
 
This next mental model only requires a few minutes
out of that hectic morning wake-up-and-go routine,
but it will affect the rest of your day and the rest of
your week. It requires a little concentration to utilize,
but it will help you concentrate on what matters for
the rest of the day.
 
It’s called Scenario Analysis, and it’s designed to
rewire your brain from the typical action-reaction
pattern to a more reasonable and focused day of
decision-making. If you find yourself walking into
the day totally unsuspecting and terrified of being
blind-sided, this mental model is worth trying out.
 
The basis of this mental model is to anticipate the
struggles of the day instead of going in blind. The
thought is, the more you’ve envisioned and thought
about the situations that could arise during the day,
the more prepared you will be to react to them in a
calm and reasonable manner when they come up.
 
As an additional perk, using the scenario analysis
mental model will also ensure you focus on the kinds
of scenarios you’ve imagined for the day, and when
things outside of those scenarios occur, you will feel
more confident tabling them for later. Rather than
reacting right away to every struggle thrown at you,
you will be able to organize them and deal with them
one by one, because you’ve already thought through
some of them.
 
This mental model seems strangely simple, but it
works for all walks of life, even on a much grander
scheme than the traditional day. For example, future
planning like the scenario analysis mental model
actually saved Royal Dutch Shell, the gas station
company, from taking a hit during the oil shock of
1973.
 
The man responsible for the salvage is Pierre Wack,
and he is the head of corporate planning for Shell.
Wack already employed scenario analysis in his
personal, day-to-day life, and one day, wondered
what could happen if he applied it to his work. Once
he did, he felt his ideas were important enough to
bring to upper management.
 
He approached them with scenarios that could
change Shell’s story forever. The scary part was that
all of them were completely rational scenarios that
could happen any day. One such example was an
accident occurring in Saudi Arabia, leading to
damage in an oil pipeline, or even severance. An
accident like that would cause a chain reaction that
would affect Shell’s profitability considerably, not to
mention the skyrocketing gas prices for the
consumer.
 
Incredibly, the higher-ups were stunned into action.
They set important safeguards into place in their
business, and when one of Wack’s scenarios actually
did occur in 1973, Shell was the only oil company in
the business prepared. In two years, Shell moved
from the eighth-biggest to the second-biggest oil
station in the country, actually profiting in a time of
disaster for other oil companies, all because they
were prepared, using this mental model.
 
If this mental model can save a company from
suffering in peril regardless of the world outside was
stuck in, imagine what it could do for you day-to-day.
How can taking a few minutes in the morning to
envision the day ahead impact your day, your week,
and your life? First off, it will improve your focus.
 
The temptation when you have an extra few minutes
in the morning is to get a head start on juggling tasks
that otherwise need to be completed throughout the
day. I challenge you to fight that urge and instead
spend that time envisioning the day ahead. When you
spend that small amount of time concentrating on the
challenges that might be coming, you’ll be able to
pass more confidently and smoothly through them.
 
Using scenario analysis before the day begins will
also ensure that you’re more prepared for the
logistics of the day. If you know in the morning
you’ll only have twenty minutes for lunch; you can
pack one from home instead of wasting your small
lunchtime waiting in the drive-thru line. This mental
model will also help you regain control of your life
by enabling you to focus on one challenge at a time.
 
So how do you do it? Using this mental model will
look different for everyone, depending on how you’re
best able to focus, the environment you’ve created,
and the morning routine you’re dealing with. Maybe
using scenario analysis to visualize your day means
locking yourself in your closet or your bathroom with
your eyes closed for two minutes so your family or
children can’t bother you. Maybe it’s the ten-minute
commute in your car, where you commit to switching
off the radio to talk yourself through the day. Maybe
on your bus ride, you’ll stick in headphones and jot
down in your journal in a bullet-point list what
you’re expecting to happen that day.
 
The beautiful thing about this mental model is that
it’s so flexible. It can warp to meet your needs and
requires very little from you. All you need to use this
mental model is the concentration for as long as it
takes to get through your day in your head, out loud,
or on paper.
 
Tips for Using the Scenario Analysis Mental Model:
Use the time you already have to complete
this exercise every day. If you have to force
yourself to get up early in the morning to use
this mental model, you won’t do it. Think
about the time you “throw away” in the
morning (or the night before) doing mindless
tasks like scrolling through social media or
zoning out to talk radio on the way to work.
Instead of semi-engaging in mindless habits
like these, take that time to fully engage in a
system that will empower you to have a great
day.
Plan for interactions with other people as
much as possible, especially if you know that
certain people unnerve you and throw you off
your game. If that one grumpy lady comes
through the line to get a cup of coffee from
you every Wednesday, think out in your head
how you’re going to respond to her. This
mental model is like getting a first chance to
run through every interaction of your day, so
you get to practice before the real thing. Plan
how you will respond to your boss when she
knocks you down a peg in front of your
coworkers. Maybe react the way you want to
in your head and then re-run it to say
something professional instead. If you know
there’s a possibility of that brain-dead
colleague coming up to you to ask you yet
another dumb question, figure out a way to
talk to them that’s not demeaning in your
brain. Use this mental model as a first-take of
all of your personal interactions for the day.
Like any mental model, of course, this will
take time to make a difference. If you don’t
feel anything different after the first day,
that’s okay. In fact, it’s normal. Remember
that mental models are habits that take time to
work.
If you’re a journal person, definitely take
time to journal out your visualization of the
day. A great tool to use for visualizing the
day by writing is called stream of
consciousness writing. To use this tool, you’ll
write down everything you think along the
same vein as one long sentence in one stream
of thought. You don’t have to use punctuation
or correct grammar or spelling. Just get it all
out on paper. As an added practice in
metacognition (thinking about your thinking),
re-read through your entry after you’re
 finished. Stream of consciousness journaling
is extremely helpful for some people because
standard journaling seems too daunting.
Stream of consciousness writing doesn’t
require full sentences, punctuation, or writing
a perfect sentence. It just follows the stream
of your thoughts. Often, ideas or worries you
didn’t even know you had come out when
you’re not thinking about perfecting your
prose.
 
You are all set to begin changing your days by using
the scenario analysis mental model. How would your
interactions change if you used this model? How
would your concentration on your work benefit if you
weren’t worried about that annoying colleague
poking his head into your office? Try it out and see
what happens.
 
The Circle of Competence Mental Model
 

Everyone you encounter on a daily basis is an expert

of something. The barista who crafts your drink at the
local coffee shop in the morning knows everything
there is to know about how to make your caramel
latte. Through a combination of experience and
study, she has learned techniques to successfully
steam the milk, time your espresso shot, and how to
balance those ingredients with the right amount of
caramel syrup. The mom swaddling her baby in line
behind you at this point, probably knows everything
there is to know about her child at this stage.
 
She knows what screams mean he’s hungry and what
screams mean his diaper is wet, and how to tell when
he’s ready for a nap. The parking officer you pass by
in her fluorescent yellow vest on the way out the door
is an expert of this block and the next. She knows just
from a glance which meters are overdue and which
will be soon. The secretary at your office is a pro at
managing his boss’s schedule. He could navigate
tough phone calls in his sleep.
 
All of that being said, the person whose reflection
you see glinting back at you in the bus or car window
is also a master of something or several things.
Maybe you’re a phenomenal brother, and you know
by the first ‘hello’ when your sibling picks up the
phone what kind of day they’re having. Maybe
you’re a master investor, as the inventors of this next
mental model, and choosing which stocks to invest in
is always obvious to you.
 
Whatever it is, you have what is called ‘areas of
competence,’ and the Circle of Competence mental
model says they are your best chance at success.
 
We learned about Charlie Munger and Warren Buffet
in chapter one when we discussed cognitive biases
that hold us back from realizing true potential.
Munger and Buffet are the Vice Chairman and CEO,
respectively, of the successful company Berkshire
Hathaway. Now we will learn about one of the
mental models these gentlemen utilize to make their
company so successful.
 
The circle of competence mental model says that like
you, each of us has areas of competence, which also
means that each of us has areas of incompetence. The
key to success, according to this model, is honing the
skills and knowledge you already have while
avoiding the areas you are not a master of. This may
sound rigid, and frankly, against your mother’s
insistence that “you can be anything you want to
be!”, but hear me out.
 
The mental model doesn’t say you can’t be the
master of something new. It just says that if your
ultimate goal is to achieve success, you should first
focus on your superpower-the unique skillset and
knowledge you already have- and then slowly, over
time and with discipline, expand those skillsets to
include mastery of something new.
 
So how exactly do Charlie Munger and Warren
Buffet utilize this mental model in their business?
I’m glad you asked! These wealthy and successful
investors use the circle of competence mental model
when training their specialized investors which
stocks to choose. It shows up in countless interviews
and even Buffet’s 1996 Shareholder Agreement,
where Buffet is telling his specialized investors to
invest only in what they know about.
 
In one of these interviews, Buffet discusses this
mental model in relation to one of his top business
managers. He calls her Mrs. B. Mrs. B is a Russian
immigrant, and she speaks very little English. I know
what you’re thinking: how can you be a business
manager in America, where the primary language is
English, and your primary job is to do business with
people verbally if you don’t speak English? The
English language was not one of Mrs. B’s circles of
competence. But the furniture was.
 
Mrs. B knows all about furniture. How it’s made,
what it’s made of, what it’s worth; you name it, and
she knows it. That’s why, despite her inability to
speak English fluently, Mrs. B is the manager of the
largest furniture store in Nebraska. Instead of
allowing her areas of incompetence to handicap her,
Mrs. B was determined and single-mindedly focused
on an area of competence she knew would carry her
to success. Because of this concentration, she was
successful.
 
Throughout your life, you’ve built skills and
knowledge through your experiences and education,
just like Mrs. B. Your specialized experience and
knowledge is your superpower. It’s what’s going to
make you successful. This is also a case of quality
over quantity: if you know a little about a lot of
different things, you’re going to be a little successful
in a lot of different areas.
 
But if you know a lot about one thing or two things,
suddenly you’ve got a specialization. You’ve got
something that the guy down the block (or your
barista, or your meter maid, or your secretary)
doesn’t have. This model asserts that it’s not about
being the master of every circle of competency. It’s
really just knowing the boundaries of your own circle
of competence.
 
On numerous occasions, Buffet and Munger refer to
themselves as “learning machines,” and this mental
model reflects that thinking. There’s something about
knowing how much more there is to learn about that
propels you into that area of the unknown and
motivates you to learn.
 
Using this mental model will encourage you to
continue learning while you’re honing your craft.
While the most fail-safe path is to stick with what
you know, you won’t be able to resist the temptation
of learning about what you don’t and expanding your
areas of competence once you’ve defined them.
 
This mental model is also an incredible exercise in
recognizing what you are good at and what you do
know so you can concentrate on those areas. Maybe
you’re sitting here thinking that you have no idea
what you’re an expert in because all these years,
you’ve pushed it aside to work a job for a paycheck
or to be a parent. For you, this mental model could be
ground-breaking simply because it asks you to sit
down and figure out what you’ve got that nobody
else does.
 
So many people walk through their day-to-day,
having no idea what makes them valuable. This is
your opportunity to decide. Once you have a list of
those skills, you will be enabled to concentrate on
them and really hone in on how to improve them.
You’ll spend more time in your areas of competency
because now you’re aware of them and you know
what they are.
 
Not only will this mental model make you a better
learner, but by improving your self-awareness, it will
help to improve your self-image. Firstly, using the
circle of competence mental model will make you
more patient with your learning curve. Instead of
thinking, “I should know this,” you’ll think, “This is
outside of my area of competence, and I am learning
here.” You’ll also get a new-found sense of
confidence, realizing how you shine in your areas of
competency. You’ll start to recognize the things
you’re undeniably a master of and that when you
concentrate your energy on those things, success
follows you.
 
Luckily, this is a mental model that you can put into
place in your life right now to start realizing your
areas of competency. The first step is sitting down
and being totally honest with yourself about your
strengths and weaknesses.
 
If you’re a person, who likes to see things on paper,
grab a sheet of paper and draw a large circle. Then
draw a smaller circle inside of that first circle. Your
smaller circle will represent your areas of
competence, and the larger circle will represent the
areas where you’re not yet a master. Ask yourself
questions like:
What do I know everything about, no
questions asked?
What skill makes me feel really confident
when I use it?
What do I do well?
What could I teach someone else to do?
What skills and knowledge have I earned in
the past?
What skills and knowledge do I use daily,
either at work, in my personal life, or
enjoying my hobbies?
 
Use these guidelines to determine what falls into your
category of competence. Don’t get discouraged if it’s
a short list! Remember the point is not to know
everything about lots of things but to know
everything about just a couple of things. Also, don’t
miss the ‘smaller’ areas of mastery, concentrating on
‘larger’ areas.
 
You could have a degree in health science, deeming
you a master of the inner workings of a human body,
but you could also have strong communication skills.
Consider both equal skillsets.
 
Likewise, knowing the ins and outs of your child’s
favorite television show could also prove to be an
important circle of competency. Every bit of
knowledge you’ve gleaned to make you a master of
an area serves a purpose. All of those purposes serve
you and your future success.
 
After you’re looking at a full (or semi-full, or sort-of-
full) inner circle of competent areas, think about how
each of them relates in some way to your life.
Question how you use each skill or pool of
knowledge in the roles you play throughout the day.
 
Your mastery of empathy could serve in your
friendships but also in the parts of your job that
require customer service. Your passion for writing
and editing could help when your friend’s resume is
in peril, but it could also serve if you decided to write
a book.
 
Which brings us to our next point: determining how
concentrating on your skillsets will aid you in your
future roles and help you accomplish your goals. If
you’re still not even sure what your future goals are,
the circle of competency is a great place to start
thinking about it.
 
Looking at the areas you’re a master of, now dream
about what your future could look like if you
concentrated your energy more on growing those
skills or training that knowledge base. Again, if
you’re a naturally empathetic person, could you have
a future in counseling or social work? If you bake an
incredible pie, could you open a bakery or write a
cookbook?
 
After you’ve done some work on your areas of
competency and linked them to your future goals,
take a look at the parts of those goals that don’t lie
within your areas of competency. What can you do to
slowly build your skills to match those areas? Make
opportunities for yourself to practice, learn, and
grow.
 
Tips for Using the Circle of Competency Mental
Model:
Be completely honest with yourself about
your skills and aptitudes. Set aside your pride
and realize where your skills lie, and where
they don’t. Remember everyone has both
areas, and most of the time, the areas of
incompetence are bigger.
Again, journal about it! Sometimes just
thinking about an idea won’t cut it. To delve
into it further, write about your areas of
competency and incompetency and how they
relate to your life and your future success.
 
Additional Tips for Concentration
 

The two mental models this chapter touches on give

you an understanding of two ways to concentrate on
bringing you success. If you’re having trouble with
concentration in general, here are some additional
tips and tricks.
 
Set a Timer
 

Even for people who excel at concentration, focusing

on one project for a long period of time without
knowing when the next break will be is difficult. The
Pomodoro Technique is a system that will help you
be productive and improve focus in easy, manageable
chunks of time. It was developed by Francesco
Cirillo, who at the time was a college student looking
to improve his productivity levels.
 
Here’s how it works: first, you choose a task. It could
be the mountain of laundry or dishes piling up, a
project for work, or a paper for school. Then, you’ll
set a timer for twenty-five minutes. For the next
twenty-five minutes, you’ll devote unconditional
attention to the task you chose. After the timer rings,
you’ll allow yourself a short break to relax and do
something unrelated to the task you chose. Go for a
walk, grab a snack, zone out for a few minutes.
 
Then you’ll reset the timer and start back up on your
project again, just like the first time. After every four
“pomodoros” (twenty-five-minute productive spurts),
you’ll allow yourself a longer break, like twenty or
thirty minutes, to recharge. How many total
“pomodoros” you do is up to you. And that’s how it’s
done!
 
Why should you use the Pomodoro Technique
instead of just blowing through tasks and projects
until they’re done? Although the idea of crushing a
major project in one sitting is tantalizing, the truth is,
it’s hardly attainable. Often, these attempts end in
major burn-out, frustration, and a plummeting inner
monologue.
 
Utilizing the Pomodoro Technique forces you to set
goals. You have to get to the end of the twenty-five-
minute timer before you can get up and stretch or get
another cup of coffee. This also means that at any
given moment, there is an end in sight. When your
brain starts to melt, a single glance at the timer can
give you a rejuvenating sense of calm and
motivation: only three minutes left to go turns into
only two minutes, and then only one. When you try
to simply plow through a task, there’s no end in sight.
No hope for the next break.
 
The Pomodoro Technique is also a self-discipline
tool. Often, when we set forth to accomplish a task,
there is either a lack of discipline or too much of it.
One group of people will find themselves knee-deep
in a bag of Cheetos, and a Netflix documentary they
swore was just going to be on in the background.
 
The other camp will sit down at the desk at two in the
afternoon and not allow themselves to rise from it
until the task is done, even if that means staying
upright until early into the morning hours. Neither is
healthy, and neither is a reflection of good self-
discipline. Disciplining yourself doesn’t just mean
getting the task done; it means balancing the
importance of getting the task done with the
importance of everything else going on, including
your own health. Gorging yourself on work can be
just as bad for you as gorging yourself on Netflix and
junk food. The Pomodoro Technique is a system that
keeps you motivated to balance the two needs. You
can have the junk food and the completed task list.
Use this technique to stay focused. Let’s recap:
1. You choose a task.
2. You set a timer for 25 minutes.
3. You devote unmetered, disciplined
concentration to the task you chose.
4. When the timer rings, you give yourself a
short break (five or ten minutes).
5. Every four “pomodoros” (25-minute
productive systems), give yourself a longer
break (20 or 30 minutes).
 
Meditation
 

Contrary to what your inner voice may be telling you

upon reading that subtitle, meditation isn’t just for
hippies or yoga teachers. Millions of people meditate
every morning, from successful athletes to news
anchors to your checkout clerk at the grocery store.
 
Several successful businessmen, including the
Miracle Morning author Hal Elrod, cite using
meditation as a part of their routine for their wealth
and success. Sure, for some people, meditation is the
classic picture: sitting on a mat on the floor with legs
crossed, eyes closed, and fingertips touching as they
murmur ‘om.’ But for others, it looks like turning on
a soothing voice at two in the morning to help get
back to sleep. For others, it looks like using a podcast
as they drive, bike, or walk to work to center their
focus for the day. For still others, it looks like sitting
on the bathroom floor with a cup of coffee and a
journal to slow down their thoughts and get ready for
what’s coming.
 
What is meditation, then, if it’s not the picture in your
head? It’s an amount of time you set aside during the
day to be totally present in the moment and mindful
of what’s going on in your head, your heart, and your
body. How often during a normal workday do you
take a moment out and check in with what’s going on
inside you?
 
My guess is not very often. Most people say they
don’t have time for meditation, and very few will
utilize it randomly and without a set time or place
during their day. It’s a discipline and one that will
help you.
 
Allowing yourself to be completely engrossed in
your thoughts and your feelings for just a few
minutes of the day without any other distraction will
cut down on feelings explosions that might occur at
inappropriate times later. If you struggle with naming
your emotions or even figuring out what’s causing
them, meditation is also a great resource to use to
figure out what you feel and why you feel it.
 
It might be the only time during the day that you
check in with how you are really doing, and
concentrating on that aspect of yourself is essential to
your success. You can be incredibly intelligent and
savvy with your areas of competence, but if you
make emotional decisions because you haven’t
harnessed how you feel or what you think, your
future will be in peril.
 
Many users of meditation also report that consistent
practice results in better focus during the day, even
after their session, and catch their mind wandering
less.
 
It improves mental toughness, which we’ll read about
in a later chapter, and mental toughness is often the
difference between giving up and persevering. While
we’re talking about feelings, it’s important to note
that studies have shown consistent meditation in as
little as three weeks heightens compassion.
 
A heightened sense of compassion will aid your
relationship with yourself but also with your friends,
family, colleagues, and boss. Compassion is an
unprecedented tool for success.
 
Alongside the aspects of your mental health that
meditation rewards are the physical rewards that
being mindful can reap. Meditation improves your
nights of sleep, reduces blood pressure, and helps to
cut down on anxiety and stress. People who meditate
are more motivated to work out and perform better
during their physical exertion.
 
If meditation is starting to sound less daunting and
more like something you should try, there are a few
tips to getting you started. The first is to use a
meditation app. There are many on the market, but
the few listed below are ones I have used personally
used myself and reviewed for you here.
 
Most meditation apps have a lot in common. They all
will have some sort of on-boarding process where
they ask about your familiarity with meditation and
subsequently provide a ‘course’ of meditations to get
you started. After you complete that course, you can
explore different categories of guided meditations,
like sleep, anxiety, and focus, among others
(depending on the app).
 
If after a while, you find that the guiding voice is
distracting to your practice, a lot of them will have
instrumental music or ‘soundscapes’ that you can use
to guide your own meditation. Once you have used
the app frequently, your statistics will usually be
recorded in a profile dashboard you can see, with
varying amounts of competition laced in.
 
Most of them will also provide a free trial or a set
number of free meditations and then will require a
paid subscription. Let’s launch into looking at our
first meditation app: Headspace.
 
Meditation App #1: Headspace
 

Headspace is one of the most popular meditation

apps out there. It’s simple and easy to use and has
thousands of different meditations available. Like
most meditation apps, it begins with a survey asking
you how comfortable you are with meditation, and
then provides a first meditation course. From there, it
organizes meditation into categories, like stress and
anxiety, meditation basics, personal growth, kids and
parenting, life challenges, and meditation for
students.
 
It also features ‘sleep casts,’ which are recordings of
soothing sounds, like hummingbirds and other
natural sounds to help get you to sleep. It has
meditations of varying lengths to encourage users of
all levels and features a ‘stats’ page to keep track of
how often you’ve meditated and for how many days
in a row.
 
This app is excellent for beginners. It has a section
for learning more about the basics of meditation, but
it generally uses the ‘dive-in’ approach. The first
meditation in the basics course doesn’t specify much
at all about how to meditate; it just launches right
into the guided meditation. What’s also interesting
about this meditation app is it generates a list of
recommended courses and single meditations for you
based on the meditations you’ve enjoyed before.
 
It’s probably the easiest app to use on this list and
doesn’t require any complicated maneuvering to get
to the kind of meditation you’d like to try. The
Headspace app has a two-week free trial, and after
that offers yearly and monthly subscriptions.
 
Meditation App #2: Insight Timer
 

The Insight Timer is a meditation app that

incorporates thousands of different meditation
teachers. This means if you don’t like the style or
voice cadence of one teacher, it’s okay because you
have thousands of others to choose from. Due to the
number of teachers and different ideas they all have,
there are thousands of interesting and unique topics
for meditation courses.
 
A few popular ones include ‘When Relationships
End: Honoring the Process,’ and ‘Self-Acceptance
Through Authenticity.’ New courses are uploaded
every day and can be found in a category called
‘daily.’
 
This app also offers courses and single meditations
for true beginners, like the ‘Ten Foundations of
Meditation’ that literally walk you through what
meditation is, how to do it, and the impact you’ll see
in your day-to-day life. Another interesting aspect of
this app is the ‘talks’ section, which features podcasts
on a variety of topics, both meditation-related and
not. Although this app provides a foundation for new
users, it also provides resources for people who have
been meditating for a while, one of those resources
being the timer.
 
After you’ve been meditating for a long time, you
might find that you don’t need a guiding voice or a
music track to meditate to anymore and that you
actually prefer silence. You can set the timer on this
app for any longevity of time you wish your
meditation session to last. There is even a setting to
choose a kind of bell to ring at a set interval to
remind you to refocus your thoughts.
 
The typical resources this app also provides include
sound recordings to aid in sleep, musical tracks, and
a kids’ meditation section. There are thousands of
free meditations offered, but as a paying member,
you unlock more.
 
Meditation App #3: Calm
 

The Calm app is another popular meditation tool

you’ve probably heard of. Like most apps, this one
categorizes meditations into topics like personal
growth, anxiety, sleep, kids, and relationships. It
offers soundscapes and instrumental musical tracks
that are also organized into categories, like focus,
lullabies, relax, and nature melodies.
 
The personal dashboard provided is also a helpful
tool, tracking how many mindful days, mindful
minutes, and total sessions, including your longest
streak, which will keep you motivated to continue. It
even includes a calendar where you can log
meditations you have performed outside of the app to
get credit for your streak and stats.
 
What makes this app different is exclusivity and
specialty of their teachers and even their music. Most
meditation apps use prominent teachers of the yoga
or mindfulness worlds but names you and I wouldn’t
readily recognize.
 
The Calm app has an entire adult bedtime story
section as told by voices like the actor Matthew
McConaughey, English comedian Stephen Fry, and
even animal expert Bindi Irwin. The section also
includes a recording of the Economics teacher from
the famous movie Ferris Bueler’s Day Off reading
aloud the first chapter of Wealth of a Nation by
Adam Smith. His monotone voice will lull you to
sleep in no time.
 
Another exciting addition to these bedtime stories is a
series called Painted Dreams with Bob Ross, in
which Bob Ross describes every step of completing a
painting as you drift off to sleep. The app’s music
section also includes albums that are only available
on Calm, like Liminal Sleep by Sigur Ros.
 
Overall, the voices of this app were the most unique
characteristic. The Calm app provides a one-week
free trial and then offers paid subscriptions after that.
 
Meditation App #4: 10% Happier
 

Right off the bat, this app will pique your interest
with an introductory video by the CEO Dan Harris,
who is not a yoga guru, mental health coach, or
mindfulness expert, but a news anchor. Harris’ goal
for this app is to demonstrate that meditation and
mindfulness aren’t just for one kind of person and
doesn’t just belong on your to-do list. He fully
believes that meditation should be a practice that
permeates the rest of your life. Keeping with that
belief, the meditations offered are recorded by a
number of masters of other fields, like neuroscience
professor at Vanderbilt University, David Vago,
Ph.D., and even a few by the CEO himself.
 
The app, like the Insight Timer app, also features a
‘Talks’ section: a collection of podcasts ranging in
topics. A few include topics like “In Praise of
Sadness,” detailing how grief paves the road for joy,
and “Escape from Zombieland,” telling you in five
minutes how mindfulness can bring you back to life.
 
The 10% Happier app also includes all of the typical
perks: an upfront survey when you sign up, a
populated beginner course to get you started, and
categorized sections including sleep meditations. A
distinct difference about this app that none of the
others mentioned so far include, however, is the
option to ask a question of a meditation coach.
 
One tap of the button connects you with an actual,
live person with at least a decade of meditation
experience to message about whatever you’re having
trouble within meditation.
 
The 10% Happier app provides a seven-day free trial
and then offers options for monthly or yearly
subscriptions.
 
Tips for Meditation:
Longevity is more important than duration.
Doing a minute-long meditation every day for
three weeks will be more helpful than doing a
fifteen-minute meditation once a month.
Consistency is key.
Make it part of your routine. Decide on a time
and place, and a length of time you’re willing
to meditate.
Use a guide, like an app above or even a
recording online.
Try to meditate first thing in the morning, or
earlier in your day, so meditation doesn’t get
pushed to the back burner behind the rest of
your to-do list.
During meditation, breathe naturally, and sit
comfortably. Don’t allow the picture of
meditation in your head to decide what your
meditation has to look like.
Don’t shy away from being uncomfortable.
It’s going to be uncomfortable to be that
present and recognize your thoughts and
feelings all at once in a concentrated time
frame.
Use meditation to create mindful goals.
Decide what you’re going to take from the
session to go through your day.
After meditating, check in with yourself. Do
you feel any different? Did you make any
major epiphanies?
If you have trouble sticking with it, get some
accountability by doing it with a friend. Text
 each other when you complete your
meditation session for the day to keep each
other on track.
Don’t judge yourself or your session. There’s
no such thing as a ‘bad’ session. You showed
up. That’s what matters.
 
At the end of the day, no matter where you’d like to
apply a more disciplined view of concentration in
your life, that’s the key to succeeding: showing up.
Every day you have a choice to be present and be
involved in your future or to simply be a walking
ghost.
 
You can decide you don’t feel like it today and go
through the motions as other people do, but here’s the
thing: you’re not like other people. That’s why you
bought this book, that promised to help you build a
stronger toolkit to achieve your goals.
 
That’s why you’ve spent time reading it, and you’ve
gotten this far. You aren’t a person who decides that
just walking through the day is okay. You’re a person
that wakes up in the morning thinking, “Today is an
opportunity. I am going to learn something today. I
am going to be better today than I was yesterday.”
 
You are a person who concentrates on their goals.
You are a person who radiates confidence and
motivation. Congratulate yourself on showing up, all
of you, today. Then do it tomorrow.
 Chapter 3: Mental Models and Self-
Discipline
 
 
 

Everyone hates the word “discipline.” An utterance

or thought of the word alone can conjure groans and
sighs. When we think of discipline, we think of
withholding joy from ourselves. When we think of
discipline, we imagine self-deprivation in exchange
for chores we really don’t want to do. But what if we
didn’t think of self-discipline as a punishment? What
if we thought of it as just another way to achieve our
goals, make it easier to get where we’re going, and
even make the day-to-day more enjoyable?
 
The truth is, putting self-disciplining habits into place
will reduce stress, engage your goals and dreams,
make time for things you enjoy, improve your
relationships, and make you an across-the-board
more successful, happier person. We think that self-
discipline doesn’t really relate to our day-to-day lives
once we’re adults, but some habits of successful
individuals actually rely heavily on self-discipline.
 
Things like getting up on time, working out,
practicing dental hygiene, and maintaining
relationships (both at work and in your personal life)
all require some amount of self-discipline. Self-
discipline can better all areas of life, including health,
friendships, and romantic relationships, mental
illnesses like anxiety and depression, work and
school, and more.
 
It may surprise you, but oftentimes, our biggest
struggles are also actually directly related to our lack
of self-discipline. If you’re up all night the day before
a huge presentation, hating yourself for not preparing
during the weeks leading up to it, you lack time-
management. And time management is, you guessed
it, a skill that takes self-discipline to foster. If you’re
stuck in a rough place financially and can’t seem to
get out of the rut of living paycheck-to-paycheck and
having an abysmally low savings account (or none at
all), you might be lacking self-discipline. Life
without self-discipline (or even with little self-
discipline) is actually living the high road.
 
A life with strong self-discipline habits, however, is a
prosperous one. Living with self-discipline means
being able to organize days that feed all aspects of
your well-being: time for work, for friends and
family, and time for yourself. Living with self-
discipline means living less stressfully because you
trust that you’ve taken care of what needs to be done,
rather than leaving it to your future self to clean up
your messes. So how can you begin to build self-
discipline into your life? With mental models, of
course.
 
The Eisenhower Matrix
 

You’ve heard it before: time-management is

essential. But why? Having habits that assist with
managing your time well means a better self-image,
more success at work and school, higher
respectability, and improved relationships, among
other things. Being able to clear out your task list
consistently leads to feelings of success and
confidence.
 
You will enjoy getting to the end of the day and be
more motivated to get going at the beginning of the
day when your self-talk sounds like, “I can do this! I
crushed it yesterday!”. You’ll be more successful
professionally with time management skills,
regardless of what that looks like for you. Being able
to prioritize projects to meet deadlines and spend
quality time on them is essential for workplace
success.
 
Others will notice when you step up your game, too,
and you’ll be better liked and more respected as a
colleague. Time management also means a happier
spouse and happier friends. If you can balance your
career, dreams, and miscellaneous tasks, you will be
more focused on your loved ones and giving them
quality time while you’re with them.
 
Even with all of these perks of time-management,
many people still struggle to implement the habits
necessary to upkeep it. It seems too daunting to
tackle, or their life is too hectic to set aside an hour to
plan and prioritize. People who don’t make time to
plan their time, however, suffer much more than
people who do. Lack of time management is often
linked to higher rates of stress, anxiety, and
depression.
 
People who don’t plan their time accordingly don’t
sleep as well, or as much, and have a never-ending
merry-go-round of tasks circling behind their eyelids
when they finally do shut. They have trouble
balancing their work and home lives, and their
relationships suffer for it.
 
Time management takes discipline and doesn’t
happen overnight. However, it is possible for anyone
willing to put in the work to gain this skill,
implement these habits, and enjoy a happier, fuller
life. It starts with learning how to prioritize.
 
There are few better examples of productive life than
President Dwight D. Eisenhower. During his two
terms in office as the 34th president, President
Eisenhower began programs that would work to
create the highway system in the United States,
launch the internet, and explore outer space with
NASA.
 
But that’s not all. Before Eisenhower was President
of the United States, he was also a Commanding
General of the Allied Forces during World War II, a
five-star general in the Army, the first Supreme
Officer of NATO in 1951, and President of Columbia
University. It’s also said that he found time to enjoy
alone time by golfing and oil painting. It’s safe to say
President Eisenhower had a lot on his plate (and
knew how to handle it).
 
One of his most powerful (and easiest to use) time
management tools is the Eisenhower Matrix, also
known as the Eisenhower Box. This mental model is
about to blow your to-do list out of the water.
Introducing this principle to your self-discipline
toolbox will completely rethink how you prioritize
your time.
 
  Urgent Not Urgent
Important Do Decide
   
Do it now.
Schedule it for
later.
Not Delegate Delete
important
   
Can someone else do it for
Eliminate it.
me?

As you can see, the Eisenhower Matrix breaks tasks

down into four different boxes or categories. These
boxes are organized by urgent to not-as-urgent and
important to not-as- important. The first category,
located in the box in the upper left-hand corner is the
“Do First” category.
 
These are the most urgent and most important tasks
in your task list, and they need to be done as soon as
possible. Tasks of this nature will be things like
getting a prescription refilled or completing work on
a project that’s due soon. Any task items that should
not be put off any longer should go in this category.
President Eisenhower asserts that setting a timer and
doing these tasks as soon as you can is the best
policy.
 
Moving on to the second category, or the box in the
upper right-hand corner is home to the important but
less-urgent tasks: the “Decide” box. These are to-do-
list items that are important to be done but can wait
until a little later to be completed. These tasks will be
things like getting your oil changed or folding that
laundry that’s still sitting at the foot of your bed.
 
Tasks that should be done pretty soon but don’t
necessarily have a deadline (or have a deadline that’s
approaching but not soon) should go in this box.
Items in the “Decide” box are tasks that need to be
scheduled to do at a certain time in the future. Make
sure to set the time aside and even put it in your
calendar or planner to ensure these tasks don’t get put
off any longer than necessary.
 
The third category on the bottom left-hand corner is
the “Delegate” box. These are tasks that are time-
sensitive but not as important and can possibly be
handed off to someone else to complete.
 
The purpose of this category is to recognize when
projects don’t necessarily need your attention; they
just need someone’s attention. For example, if you
are engaged in a category one or two task and your
husband calls to ask if you’ll pick up some dog food
on the way home, you can give him the necessary
information (the kind of dog food) to complete the
task himself, delegating a category three task to
someone else. The important thing to note about this
category is you have to keep track of who you
delegated what task to so you can follow up with that
person later.
 
The last category is for tasks that are neither
important nor urgent, and these tasks belong in the
“Eliminate” box. Things that go in the “Eliminate”
category get in the way of your productivity and
inhibit your ability to knock off tasks in the first,
second, and third category. These can be unhelpful
habits, like social media scrolling, or useless tasks
that are taking up time and don’t need to be
completed at the moment, like buying new work
shoes just for the sake of going shopping.
 
This category may require the most self-discipline
because it necessitates you to say “no” to yourself
when you want to do things that are not productive.
This isn’t to say that things you like to do in your free
time that aren’t work-oriented, like reading or
watching TV, should go in this category.
 
The goal of time management is to balance your time
between work and personal life so you can make
room for free time to do the things you want to do.
This category is simply for items on your to-do list
that are just taking up space and aren’t time-sensitive
or important at the moment. Remember: your most
important resource is time.
 
Tips for Using the Eisenhower Box:
Limit how many tasks you put into each
quadrant. When you get five in each
quadrant, complete the most important or
 time-sensitive task in the “Do” category. You
don’t want to collect tasks. You want to finish
them.
Only use one list for all areas of your life
(business, personal, housework, family, etc.),
so you don’t have to worry about neglecting
one list or the other.
Don’t allow others to tell you what your
priorities are or should be. This is your to-do
list to manage your time, and you should
write it with yourself in mind.
 
BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits Mental Model
 

How many times have you thought about making a

big change, or latching onto a big goal, and given up
because you were afraid you couldn’t? If we were in
an auditorium right now, and someone on stage had
asked that question, every person’s hand would be in
the air. It happens to everyone.
 
It’s easy to get discouraged when something you
want seems like an insurmountable, inordinately
gigantic deal. It’s even harder to look at a colossal
goal like that and break it down into smaller pieces to
know where to start. Maybe you’ve been trying to
lose the last thirty pounds for months now, and
you’ve just given up. Maybe you would really love to
go back to school, but you’re intimidated by the
process of getting there. Maybe you’re sick and tired
of feeling inadequate, and you want to plunge into a
journey of self-love, but you have no idea where
you’d even start or how you’d get the resources to do
so. Everyone at some point or another has been there.
It just seems too big.
 
BJ Fogg, the Director of the Behavior Design Lab at
Stanford University, was right where you are. Fogg
has studied behavior science for two decades, and yet
one day, found himself at a plateau in his weight loss
journey. He began to experiment, using what he knew
about behavior, to jolt himself out of this plateau and
get back into losing the weight he’d set out to lose at
the beginning of the journey. He bought an electronic
scale, hoping that just stepping on it every day and
seeing the number would motivate him. It didn’t. He
started logging his daily weight on Twitter every day
to see if that would help. It didn’t.
 
Finally, he realized that only three things really
change behavior: having an epiphany, changing your
environment, or taking a small step. Based on these
last two principles, Fogg created the Tiny Habits
Method, an easily accessible mental model for self-
discipline.
 
Fogg’s Tiny Habits Method is centered around
making one tiny step toward one colossal goal one
day at a time. Sounds silly, right? But it works. When
adhered to, this mental model creates long-lasting,
long-term results, by changing behavior in tiny
increments, as the name suggests.
 
The first step is a little bit like the First Principles
mental model we learned about through Elon Musk.
First, we’ll think about the outcome we want to see
(for Fogg, it was losing weight). Then we’ll work
backward, thinking about the behaviors that lead to
that outcome, paring them down bit by bit until we
find one very simple behavior that can change to
encourage the outcome. For weight loss, it can be
increasing water consumption, limiting stress,
working out, or any other number of behaviors. Then
you choose one tiny behavior to turn into a habit. For
Fogg, it was push-ups.
 
Then, Fogg asserts, you have to understand that in
order for the behavior to work, you have to have the
motivation to do it, the ability to do it, and finally, a
trigger (or a call to action) to complete the behavior.
This last part is crucial: the call to action works best
if it’s something that happens in your schedule every
day anyway. Something you don’t have to put in
extra effort or go out of your way to complete.
Adhering to these guidelines, Fogg decided that to
accomplish his outcome of losing more weight; he
would do two push-ups every time he went to the
bathroom.
 
That’s right. Every time he flushed after using the
restroom during the day, he dropped to the floor and
did two push-ups. It seems silly, right? Like it would
never work? Just by doing push-ups every time he
used the bathroom every day, Fogg lost five pounds,
and then ten, and then twenty, all in the course of a
few months. It really works.
 
So, what does that mean for you? How could
engaging in this mental model and trying it out help
you achieve more self-discipline? Firstly, if you
create a tiny habit and persist in doing it for several
weeks or months, you’ll reap the results of the goal
you’ve set. You’ll lose the pounds, or write the book,
or kick your caffeine addiction.
 
What else? Creating a tiny habit and sticking with it
will also give you practice in developing and staying
with new habits that are good for you. Part of self-
discipline is determining habits whose end results
will benefit you in the long run and then having the
perseverance to continue to work on those habits. In
the meantime, you will be gaining a heightened sense
of self-worth and motivation to succeed. You’ll start
to realize that your success (or your failure) is your
responsibility. It’s up to you if you accomplish your
goal or not. It’s not luck or fate that are responsible
for your success. It’s your work ethic and your
perseverance that carry you to the finish line.
 
Tips for Using the Tiny Habits Method:
Watch BJ Fogg’s talk at TedxFremont on
YouTube
Choose a result you’re passionate about and
motivated to succeed. You have to want it!
Choose a behavior you’re able to do.
Choose a trigger, or call to action, for your
behavior that happens every day anyway, so
 it’s easier for you to do the behavior
Choose a small enough behavior
Invite a friend to share your journey or make
their own tiny habit alongside you
Celebrate! You’re on your way!
 
Revisit the goals you set as you began reading this
book. Are any of them related to a lack of self-
discipline? How could you use the Eisenhower
Matrix or the Tiny Habits Method to rectify them?
Keeping these two mental models in mind as you go
through your week will help build disciplines that
will make you a happier and more successful person.
However, these are only two of many mental models
out there that exist to build self-discipline habits. Do
some research of your own to find new mental
models that could help you on this journey, too.
 
Remember that self-discipline can manifest itself in
all corners of your life. When you drag yourself out
of bed in the morning instead of pressing snooze on
the alarm again, you’re practicing good self-
discipline. When you sit down with a friend to have a
serious conversation about an argument you had the
week before instead of avoiding the confrontation,
you’re practicing good self-discipline. Celebrate the
small victories and pat yourself on the back when
you recognize yourself adhering to a habit that will
lead to better self-discipline. You can do this!
 Chapter 4: Mental Toughness Training
 

Mental toughness. Google these words, and you will

find millions of hits with anecdotes about Olympic
athletes, West Point graduates, and military
personnel. You will also find stories of how people
just like you used this high-class skill to reach new
heights in their own lives.
 
Mental toughness is the key skill that makes the
difference between a benched high school baseball
pitcher going pro and never playing again. It’s the
difference between the Etsy shop that just kind of
peters out and one that becomes the owner’s full
living. It’s the difference between your stagnancy and
your glowing future. Another, simpler word for
mental toughness that you’ve probably heard before
is this: grit.
 
Determination. Perseverance. More than intelligence
or genes or talent, this is the stuff that’s been shown
to set successful people apart from the rest. It’s the
drive to achieve long-term goals, even when it’s
tough, or you don’t feel like it. Even when
roadblocks rise up to defeat you, with grit, you won’t
back down.
 
At the very core of mental toughness is consistency.
Once you create a goal, consistently striving toward
it every day, one step at a time, is what’s going to
earn you grit. If you’re an artist or want to be, that
looks like creating something, even if it’s small,
every single day without failing. If you’re an athlete,
it looks like showing up early to practice every single
time, completely focused and ready to go, and never
missing a workout. If you’re a nurse, it looks like
showing up for your patients, even when you’re tired,
in any form they need you to be.
 
The great news about mental toughness is this: you
can have it. That voice in your head, that’s been
telling you someone else deserves your dreams
because they’re just more talented or have better
skills than you, is wrong. Talent and genetics can be
completely overrun by one person who has the drive
and the willpower to focus hard on getting where
they want to be. Anyone can achieve mental
toughness. That anyone includes you.
 
Being mentally tough means, you’ll be better
prepared for change. It means you’ll be more positive
under pressure, more productive during the workday,
and harness more emotional stability. It means you’ll
grow into the part of yourself that believes your
happiness has nothing to do with your external world
and everything to do with your internal world.
 
Being mentally tough means, you’ll focus on your
goals and dreams instead of just reacting to life as it
comes. You’ll be more patient with the outcomes
because you can see clearly how you’re getting there,
and you’ll experience a more relaxed, content
countenance. All of this can be yours. Are you ready
to begin?
 
Training Yourself to be Mentally Tough
 

Step One: Know What You Want

 

To start with, you have to know what you want. You

have to be able to picture it clearly in your mind. The
first step is to make a clear, attainable goal. Define
what being mentally tough looks like in context for
you.
 
If you want to clean up your finances, maybe your
mental toughness training for the week is making
dinner every night instead of succumbing to ordering
takeout. If your goal is to be more knowledgeable
this year, commit to reading a book a week for the
rest of the year. If you want to work on sharpening
your self-discipline skills, work your schedule so you
can fit in a good habit, like meditating or jogging. If
you’ve been really bad lately about being present in
your relationships, maybe your first step is deciding
to leave your phone somewhere out of sight and
spend half an hour with your spouse and your kids.
 
Notice how none of these tasks seem to be mountains
you couldn’t climb. The task itself doesn’t have to be
gigantic. The hard part is doing it consistently, every
day, working at it even when you don’t want to.
There will be days you don’t feel like cooking. Grit is
grown by doing it when the motivation is at an all-
time low, just because you know you should.
 
When creating these goals, keep in mind where your
roadblocks will be. Make sure the tasks you create to
accomplish your goals are built into your routine to
become a habit. When you don’t want to or don’t feel
like showing up, accomplishing your task out of habit
will save you. Remember that being mentally tough
isn’t about what feels good. It’s about sticking to the
schedule regardless of how you feel about it. It’s
about being consistent with your habits and your
routine to get to your goal. That’s what’s going to set
you apart. Every day when you complete your task,
be sure to celebrate your progress and your wins.
Every step you take is getting you closer to the
person you want to be.
 
Step Two: Tweak Your Self-Talk
 

Your brain is a powerful machine, and it’s constantly

working. Whether you realize it or not, you say 300
to 1,000 words per minute to yourself. What do they
sound like? It might not seem like a big deal when
you mutter, “Oh, that was stupid,” to yourself after
making a mistake, or, “Yikes, that could’ve gone
better,” when you bomb a presentation. But for Navy
SEALs, self-talk can mean the difference between
passing or failing. Welcome to the Pool Comp.
 
The Pool Competency Test is all about staying calm
and positive when everything around you threatens
danger. Imagine this: you’re underwater, decked out
in scuba gear. Everything is normal, in the surreal
kind of way the world feels underwater. Suddenly,
the equipment feeding oxygen to your mouth is
ripped out, and the tube filling oxygen to that
mouthpiece is tied in a knot.
 
If we went into this exercise cold-turkey, without any
training, our hearts would be racing. This is a matter
of life and death. You have to get your equipment
back under control. But your hands are shaking, your
mind is racing, and your heart rate won’t relax for an
instant. Panic sets in. Game over.
 
While our challenges might not be pool competency
tests, this is a great example of how training your
mind to be tough can affect how you behave, react,
and get after your goals. The SEALs who were able
to think rationally and positively about their
outcomes while their lives were at stake were the
ones who passed the exam, and also the ones who
have the greatest mental toughness.
 
Outside of possibly saving your life, studies show
that being positive is actually beneficial in many
ways. Gratitude is proven to cause an increase in
happiness, which is no surprise, considering gratitude
is a self-discipline that makes us see the world
around us positively.
 
Positivity can also be infectious in your relationships.
A term called social optimism states that merely
believing that people will like you will actually make
people like you more. Optimism can benefit you at
work by creating more opportunities for you, just
because your positive mindset is sure you can
achieve them.
 
Tweaking your self-talk towards positivity sounds
easy and straight-forward enough, but so many of us
have negative self-talk already programmed into our
brains as a habit. You have to rewire yourself to think
positively. Start by coming up with truthful
affirmations for moments of panic and anxiety.
Pessimism tends to tell you that bad things last
forever, are universal, and mean you’re a horrible
person. Here’s an example.
 
Another candidate gets the job you’ve been working
for the past year to earn. Pessimism tells you this bad
thing will last forever. Your mind might say, “I’m
never going to leave this office.” Instead, tell yourself
the truth: bad things pass. “I am going to get a better
position. It’s just not happening this time.”
 
Similarly, pessimism will tell you that bad things are
universal. You walk out to the parking lot of the
grocery store and find that your car’s been hit, just in
time to watch a teenager peel out of the parking lot
and onto the adjacent street.
 
Fuming, you’re probably thinking, “This would
happen to me today! Things like this always happen
to me!” Instead of digging yourself into a rut of self-
pity, change your thoughts. Bad things have specific
causes and don’t just happen to you. Bad things are
not universal.
 
The last place your mind tends to wander when it’s in
danger is to blame yourself. You finally got that new
job you’ve been gunning for, but it’s really difficult.
Even in training, your new position requires a lot of
concentration and study to understand. Everything is
unfamiliar. You might trudge home thinking, “I’m
worthless. I can’t do this.” But is that the truth? No.
The truth is that you’re struggling with a new skill.
You are not terrible at this job just because you’re
struggling with it.
 
Another tool to battle pessimism is to argue with
yourself. If your brain is telling you something
negative, use a mental model like Elon Musk’s First
Principles to dig to the root of the negativity. If the
thought is, “I’ll never be a good dad,” question why
you think that. Is it because you don’t have much
experience in childcare? Is it because you’d like to be
different from your dad and you’re not sure how to
do that?
 
Come up with a logical counter-argument, based in
fact instead of emotion (like your original negative
thought probably is). Suddenly, “I’ll never be a good
dad,” turns into, “I don’t have much experience with
children, but if I work at it, I can have good
relationships with children.” If you decide, your
negative thought is one that needs to be countered
even further, make it a point to create goals that will
strengthen your counter-argument. Offer to babysit
for your friends or a family member. Ask for help
from a mom or a dad, and talk to them about your
fears.
 
Often, positivity is a skill that’s overlooked because
it’s seen as less-than. People think of being positive
as a piece of fluff to fill another line on the “special
skills” section on your resume. The ever-faster,
better, and stronger working monologue that’s been
ground into our brains says that any tool you can’t
use physically isn’t worth using.
 
The truth about positivity, however, is that it’s
something much greater than we give it credit for.
Some people are naturally positive. It doesn’t take
much for them to see something beautiful in the
wreckage. Others struggle with this skill. Either way,
strengthening it does more benefit for your health, for
your future work, and your relationships.
 
What you’ll start to realize as you practice positivity
is that it’s infectious. People will start to notice that
you are “the happy person” or “the bright-side
person,” and they’ll flock to you. Bosses want
positive people on their teams. Potential boyfriends
and girlfriends want positive people to love and love
them. Your friends will start to catch the drift and
develop a more positive perspective, too. When you
look up, your life looks up.
 
Another tangible practice you can use to think more
positively is to keep a gratitude journal. If you’ve
been in the realm of personal growth long, you’ve
heard this one a million times. That’s because it
works. Writing down things you’re glad to have
actually trains your mind to look for things that make
your life as good as it is.
 
The change is slight at first. You might not recognize
it after the first day, or even the first week, but it’s
there. In the back of your mind when you’re
struggling with pessimism, a little grateful voice will
remind you of something good.
 
You can almost feel yourself getting a little lighter
every time you write another thing or another person
you’re thankful is around. For the million and first
time, consider keeping track of the things you’re
grateful for. Maybe that can be your new habit.
 
To sum it up:
1. Know what you want. Set a goal that’s clear
and attainable. Create new habits that will
lead you to these goals.
2. Tweak your self-talk. Don’t underestimate the
power of positivity (or the power of
pessimism).
 
Next up, we’ll talk about some habits that mentally
tough people put in place in their lives. Maybe you’ll
find one or two you already adhere to, or maybe
you’ll a couple that need to make a home in your
schedule.
 
Habits of Mentally Tough People
 

1. They surround themselves with people who

think differently than them (especially if
those different thinkers remind them of
someone they want to be like).
Being around people who have had different
experiences, different upbringings, or different areas
of competence is a lesson in getting out of your
comfort zone. We like to be comfortable. We like to
stay in the realm of confidence, where we can predict
what will happen next, and what we will do when it
happens.
 
Being around people who lead different kinds of lives
than you will open your eyes to situations you
wouldn’t run into on your own path. We all have
different stories, different beliefs, and different
dreams, and hearing about someone else’s may just
expand your own or awaken a passion you didn’t
know you had.
 
2. They engage in simulations of situations that
terrify them.
How would you feel if right now, without any
warning, you received a phone call for your dream
job, and all you had to do was an interview for it in
the next two minutes? Are your hands sweating just
thinking about it? Even more than death, the number-
one fear in America is oral communication. Simply
verbally communicating under pressure is enough to
make most of the United States tremble.
 
If you’re one of the millions, and you hate
interviews, wouldn’t you like to make that experience
a little easier? Simulating that terrifying situation can
help. Conducting mock-interviews with family
members and friends can help you to rehearse well-
thought answers to typical interview questions.
 
When your future boss asks what your worst working
trait is, you won’t fumble over your words or laugh
nervously if you’ve been over it a few times.
Consider simulating the experience a trial run. The
more trial runs you rehearse of a situation that scares
you, the more confident you will be in that situation
(and the less it will scare you).
 
3. They prepare.
True story: once on my first day at a new job, I forgot
one of my shoes. I was running late that morning and
threw both my shoes and my jacket into the
passenger seat and took off for the office at a scary
speed. I peeled into the parking lot, grabbed the keys
out of the ignition, and went to put on my shoes, only
to realize that only one of them was lying on the
passenger seat.
 
I began a mad search for his brother. It wasn’t under
the passenger seat. It wasn’t in between the seat and
the console. It wasn’t in the backseat. I started the
morning fifteen minutes late, after limping into the
nearest store with one shoe on my foot to buy new
shoes. Later that night, I found my shoe on the floor
of the garage, where it must have slipped out of my
ill-prepared hands and onto the concrete slab.
 
The moral of the story is this: if I had woken up ten
minutes earlier that morning and thought through the
challenges of the day and fully prepared myself
mentally for them, I probably would’ve shown up
with both shoes on.
 
Preparing for the challenges ahead, both mentally and
physically, will make you feel more confident and
organized, put you at ease, and lend you a clearer,
less emotional mind. You’ll probably be wearing two
shoes, too.
 
4. They are creative.
You are less likely to freeze under pressure if you
already practice being creative and adaptable in your
day-to-day life. Planning is great and needs to happen
to prepare you for situational outcomes, but there will
always be a kink in the plan.
 
There will always be something that doesn’t go as it
should have. In those instances, you will have to be
creative and flexible to work around them. Great
mothers and nannies do this phenomenally.
 
The plan may be to go to the park. Mom or babysitter
has the baby backpack chock-full of tools for the day
ahead because they planned for it. However, children
are bundles of joy and surprises, so when the
unthinkable happens, and little Johnny jumps straight
into the water fountain, the caretaker has to be
creative. Because she planned for the unexpected, she
has an extra set of clothes for little Johnny.
 
However, when he then rolls around in the mud in his
new set of clothes, mom or babysitter will have to
adapt their mindset. Little Johnny might get carted
home in a new diaper and not much else. Just like in
this example, sometimes the key to creativity and
adaptability doesn’t require much else than a change
of expectation.
 
5. They engage in physical exercise to stretch
themselves (both physically and mentally).
I know what you’re thinking: what does achieving
mental toughness have to do with how many times a
week I go to the gym? Physical exercise is one of the
most popular and easiest ways to engage mental
toughness.
 
Remember gym class in high school, when your
teacher made you run laps around the gym? When
your lungs burned, and your legs felt like jello, you
kept running, partially because your classmates
would all see if you stopped, and partially because
you wanted to see if you could.
 
You were training yourself to be mentally tough.
Now, as an adult, that manifests like this: doing five
reps instead of just doing four. Getting up out of bed
and going for a run when you really just want to
sleep in the extra thirty minutes.
 
Pushing yourself to run to that lamppost, and then the
next one. The relationship between pushing your
body and pushing your mind is strong.
 
6. They balance their time between training and
resting.
Don’t mistake mental toughness practice for lack of
balance between your goals and rest. Mental
toughness isn’t devoting all your time and energy, all
the time, to attaining your goals. It’s about being
hyper-focused and persistent in the time you’ve
allotted to work toward your goals. Going full-power
all the time will lead to burn-out and stress, neither of
which is helpful for growing your mental toughness.
 
Tips for Mental Toughness:
When you’re struggling with being creative,
break out of your normal day-to-day routine.
Do something different.
 Use the scenario analysis mental model to
start your day. Mentally rehearsing for
challenges that may come up will ensure that
you are more prepared when these situations
do occur.
Picture yourself achieving your goals and
how you will get there. Be honest and
realistic in these visualizations. Leave room
for setbacks.
Write your goals down and track your
progress. Few things are more motivating
than being able to see tangibly how you’re
moving closer to where you want to be.
If you end up missing a day or two of your
new habit, don’t make excuses for yourself
and don’t beat yourself up. Just get back into
it as soon as you can.
Again, celebrate your victories!
 
What can you do today to start becoming more
mentally tough? Do you know what you want or do
you need to sit down and prioritize your goals using
some of the mental models we’ve discussed? Do you
know what tasks or habits you want to introduce to
your daily routine to accomplish your goals? Do you
have an accountability partner who will call you out
when you don’t accomplish that task?
 
You can be a person with grit. Your success is up to
you and how hard you’re willing to work for it.
Leave behind the misconception that you’re not
talented enough or experienced enough, and start
believing this: you are already on your way to where
you want to end up.
 Chapter 5: Using Mental Models to
Achieve Stoicism
 
 
 

One of the defining qualities of being human is the

vast array of emotions we feel. We respect people
who are empathetic, or understanding of others’
emotions, and elevate them to extreme pedestals. We
study famous artists in school who use canvases and
sculpting clay to express their emotions, and we call
it beautiful. We watch movies and root for the
characters we like best because they display
appropriate emotions at appropriate times. In
customer service, we love to be asked how we’re
doing or how our day is going. Because we want to
talk about our feelings.
 
The truth about our feelings is that they’re messy,
complicated, and sometimes over-exaggerated.
Sometimes they’re present and so overwhelming that
we have no idea how to name them or why they’re
there.
 
For many, emotions rule the world. They guide
decisions, relationships, and futures. They find
themselves on an emotional roller coaster throughout
the day, reacting to whatever challenges or joys arise
and allowing them to define their emotional state.
 
Emotions are fickle and mercurial. They can change
at a moment’s notice. Even so, many people have
fallen prey to their emotions. But there’s hope for
you, even if your emotions are out of control,
because you’re here, reading this. The trick is to
figure out how to control your emotions internally
without allowing the world to change your mind.
 
Traditionally, the word ‘stoic’ brings to mind bland
and even negative pictures. We think of stoic people
as unfeeling, or inhuman. We think of dark, lost souls
without any joy. But stoicism is actually the practice
of controlling your emotions, not getting rid of them.
 
Stoicism is a belief system that states you can’t
control your external situation. Stoics believe the
entire world is a web of cause and effects, called
logos, neither of which we can control. You can’t
snap your fingers and make the morning commute
traffic disappear. You can’t crank back the clock and
break off that awful relationship a month earlier
when it should’ve been. What you can control,
however, is how you react to your external situation,
and whether you will allow it to affect you.
 
This is the basis stoicism is built on. Stoics recognize
that most of the time, we can control neither the
causes nor the effects of the world around us, so they
seek to improve themselves while watching on as the
world spins on without our input. They use four
different pillars to realize better self-discipline and
maturity: practical wisdom, courage, justice, and
temperance.
 
Practical wisdom is the ability to look at emotional
and complicated situations and steer through them
using logic and information, calmly.
 
Courage refers to the virtue of facing challenges with
integrity and bravery.
 
The third pillar, justice, means that stoics believe in
treating everyone, regardless of worth to their
journey or elevation in life, with equal kindness.
 
Finally, temperance is the discipline of utilizing
moderation and self-control in any area of life.
 
The history of stoicism is a surprisingly lengthy one,
beginning about two thousand years ago in Athens in
third century B.C. It was founded by Zeno of Citium
but made popular by the thinkers Marcus Aurelius
and Epictetus, among many others.
 
Marcus Aurelius was the emperor of the Roman
Empire, and the author of a series of thoughts called
The Meditations. These scripts held impressive tips
to become more stoic in everyday life, some of which
we’ll examine here based on quotes from his text.
 
Marcus Aurelius: Thoughts on Stoicism
“Ask yourself at every moment- is this necessary?”
 -Marcus Aurelius
 
You have a limited amount of time and a limited
amount of energy you can use every single day. You
get to choose how you spend those precious
resources. Aurelius teaches that if the answer to this
question at any point is no, you might be wasting
time or energy that could be useful elsewhere.
Develop a list of priorities to focus on, and devote
your energy and time to those necessary things.
 
“Labor willingly and diligently, undistracted, and
aware of the common interest.”
-Marcus Aurelius
 
This quote from Aurelius is all about discipline. Self-
discipline is necessary to continue working toward
your goals, totally focused, but another kind of self-
discipline presents itself in the stoic arena. This kind
of self-discipline Aurelius refers to is the discipline
of your thoughts and emotions. You could be
devoting full energy to completing a task when
suddenly, you’re blind-sided by stressful thoughts.
 
It occurs to you that your car payment is due on the
thirteenth of the month and you’re not sure how
you’re going to pay it on time. Another thought flies
in on its curtails: you should go back to school. You
should start scholarship applications soon. Suddenly,
your mind is totally inundated by stressful thoughts
about external situations that unmoor you from your
train of thought and your task completion.
 
Don’t allow outside stressful thoughts to distract you
from the task at hand and the energy you’re devoting
to it. If the things you’re stressing about are in your
control, write them down to deal with them later. If
they’re not, confront and accept them and move on.
 
“Never shirk the proper dispatch of your duty, no
matter if you are freezing or hot, groggy or well-
rested, vilified or praised, not even if dying or
pressed by other demands.”
-Marcus Aurelius
 
This quote is a perfect summary of the stoic school of
thought. Once you have a singular focus on what you
want to achieve, employing a mindset of stoicism
means you accept the sacrifice of not bowing to
every emotional need. We are so used to catering to
our needs and making ourselves completely
comfortable that we think it’s a necessity for success.
Aurelius is saying that our comfort is totally
unnecessary to our success, and our success is worth
the sacrifice.
 
Epictetus: Thoughts on Stoicism
Epictetus was a Greek philosopher who famously
began as a slave. He is best known for an integral
idea of stoicism called the dichotomy of control,
which one of Marcus Aurelius’ main ideas already
alluded to.
 
The idea behind the dichotomy of control is that we
recognize the difference between which things are
within our control, and which aren’t. Once we
recognize those differences, we accept it, come to
terms with it, and move on. Here are some famous
teachings from Epictetus, guided by his own words.
 
“Make a practice at once of saying to every strong
impression: ‘An impression is all you are, not the
source of the impression.’ Then test and assess it with
your criteria, but primarily, ask: ‘Is this something
that is, or that is not, in my control?’”
-Epictetus
 
The first idea Epictetus proposes to us is to recognize
our ‘impressions’, or our first reaction to things
(which is usually emotional, not logical).
 
The dichotomy of control asks that when situations
occur, we step back from our original emotional
reaction and allow logic to come into play so we can
assess whether or not we can control the outcome. As
difficult as this sounds, if we conclude that the
outcome is out of our control, all we can do is ignore
it and not allow it to affect us.
 
For example, say your boss comes to you frustrated
in the middle of the workday. He spends five minutes
talking to you, red in the face and then storms out of
your office.
 
A couple of minutes later, you realize that the
situation he was so upset about has nothing to do
with your department and isn’t something that your
actions could enhance or make worse. At that
moment, it’s up to you whether you’ll allow your
boss’s mid-day rant to make you grumpy for the rest
of the workday.
 
On the other hand, you could employ a tactic from
the stoic school of thought, take a deep breath, and
continue about your day, ignoring the complicated
situation you have no control over.
 
“When giving your child or wife a kiss, repeat to
yourself: ‘I am kissing a mortal.’”
-Epictetus
 
The second value we learn from Epictetus is to value
the impermanence of things. Although this seems
morose and depressing out of context, Epictetus is
right.
 
The world is fickle, and life ebbs and flows however
it pleases. The beautiful things we have today could
be gone tomorrow. At any moment, something out of
your control could come and take away the things
that are most dear to you.
 
Families are affected by natural disasters, like
hurricanes and floods, where their houses are
completely washed away. Communities like Squirrel
Hill in Pittsburgh and so many others are totally
decimated by shootings in local worship centers and
schools.
 
None of these things could be planned for or
controlled. The day before disaster struck was just
another normal day. Epictetus is urging us to consider
that as horrible as it is, this could be our fate, too.
 
He’s saying to find incredible joy and appreciation by
never taking it for granted that you could be kissing
your loved one for the last time, or talking to your
mom on the phone for the second-to-last time.
Remember the total mortality of those you love, and
you will appreciate your life with them even more.
 
“Whenever planning an action, mentally rehearse
what the plan entails.”
-Epictetus
 
Next, we learn that bad things don’t just happen to
bad people, and we should plan accordingly.
 
Make goals that are within your control. If you
ultimately want to be a famous singer on the radio or
television, you have to accept that standing alone,
fame is not a goal that you can say without a doubt is
totally within your control. What you can control,
however, is attaining the goal that will lead to your
ultimate goal of fame.
 
Continuing to use our superstar-singer example, this
lead-up goal could be to rehearse an incredible setlist
for an open mic night to gain performance practice.
Another attainable goal to achieve your final
outcome could be to audition for a singing show.
 
Once you’ve made a lead-up goal that is within your
realm of control, the idea is to accept any possible
outcome could occur. If you audition for a televised
singing show, the judges could love you and
ultimately, you could be given a record deal.
However, another outcome you have to consider is
that your audition will be outright rejected.
 
Yet another outcome is that you’ll make it on the
show, only to get kicked off a week later and come
back to square one. Bad things don’t just happen to
bad people, and by mentally preparing for those
outcomes, you can get a head-start on accepting the
feelings that will come with them.
 
Preparing yourself for all of these possible outcomes
and preparing for goals that you can control will lead
you down a much more stoic and emotionally stable
path.
 
This will also keep you motivated to get up and try
again if the outcome you hoped for doesn’t come to
fruition. So many times, we put the best effort
forward for goals we don’t have control over, and
then when we fail, we blame ourselves. We tie our
strong efforts to that failure and begin to think that
we are failures when this isn’t the case at all.
 
You have to set yourself up for success by shooting
for goals that are attainable and continuing to meet
those goals until you get where you ultimately want
to be. This idea comes from the first pillar of
stoicism, wisdom.
 
Logic says that even if you deserved whatever you
wanted- the promotion or the adopted child or the
better treatment, or whatever you’d love to have-
sometimes the prized outcome isn’t the one that
comes true. Logic says that you might deserve what
you want and not get it anyway.
 
This school of thought is generally perceived as a
dark one. It involves accepting that things won’t be
golden all the time and basically tells its’ adherents to
quash hope in exchange for reality. However, stoics
are generally more content and more self-disciplined.
 
They’re also more emotionally stable because their
moods don’t swing up and down depending on the
rhythm of the day. If you struggle with allowing your
emotions to take control of your life, just trying a
stoic approach for a week, or a couple of weeks,
might make a difference in your life.
 
Let’s learn about a couple of mental models you can
try to approach stoicism in a more tangible way.
 
Commitment and Consistency Bias
 
“Mom! I can’t find my shoes!”
 
It’s 4:20 pm and mom and daughter are already
running late for cheer practice when this exclamation
rings down the staircase to the mothers’ ears.
Sighing, she begins upending couch cushions as she
yells back.
 
“Have you checked under your bed?”
“Yes!”
“In your closet?”
“Yes, mom!”
“Are you sure you checked under your bed?”
 
A path of stomping feet shakes the ceiling above as
the daughter makes her way to the top of the
staircase.
 
“I told you, I checked!”
 
Stomping back to her room, the daughter lowers
herself onto her belly to check one last time under the
bed skirt. This time, her eyes spot the white soles of a
Reebok cheer sneaker. Feeling her face heat up, she
glances toward the door, and then back at the shoe.
Grabbing the laces, she shoves it further back under
the bed and tugs the pink silk bed skirt back down.
 
“I can’t find them,” she yells down the stairs again,
“I’ll just wear my running shoes and find them later!”
Still blushing, she pulls on her tennis shoes and flies
out the door, down the stairs, and into the van. Her
mom will never know she was wrong.
 
At one point or another, we’ve all been guilty of a
situation like this. We know we’re wrong, but we’ve
insisted we’re right. We don’t want to be found out,
so we bury the evidence and assert our innocence. No
matter what, our pride- and the consistency and
confirmation bias- tell us no one can know. It’s this
mental model that makes us cover our tracks.
 
The confirmation and consistency bias mental model
is emotion-based, not logic-based. This is why
understanding it and recognizing its’ presence in our
own lives is so important to practicing stoicism. This
mental model, defined, is our desire to protect our
self-image. We want to appear to everyone around us
that we are consistent in our behaviors and beyond
any setbacks, that we will maintain this commitment
to be consistent.
 
Whether we realize it or not, we have a thing about
consistency. We all have that ‘flaky’ friend or family
member that the group has labeled inconsistent. They
can’t be trusted to show up for their commitments.
They’re unpredictable, emotional, and hard to trust.
None of us want to be thought of this way.
 
Instead, we want to appear committed. We want to be
the one our boss can count on to get the big project
done, and done well, even if behind the scenes, we’re
all up night stressing about it. We want our friends to
think we’re the ones that will be there for them at any
hour of the night, even if it exhausts us. It’s worth
that social media caption on our birthday: ‘they’re the
one I can always count on.’
 
But here’s the thing: if you want to try out the stoic
side of life, you have to acknowledge these feelings
and then let them go. All the worries about how
people think of you have to disappear. If you want to
be freed from the shackles of your emotions, it starts
here: with figuring out how the commitment and
consistency bias has taken root in you.
 
The first key component to understanding the
commitment and consistency bias is public action.
The more public your affirmation, the stronger your
commitment to it is. Accountability works because
this mental model is at the core of it. For example, if
you set a goal to lose thirty pounds but don’t tell
anyone, you can give up on the goal in a week
without achieving it without getting any gall from
anyone else besides yourself.
 
However, if you tell four friends when you decide to
embark on this weight loss journey, they’ll follow up
with you and ask how it’s going. If you decide to
quit, you have to deal with them: what they think of
you for telling them to hold you accountable and then
giving up. The power of that shame is strong enough
that you’ll probably continue on the weight loss
journey simply because you don’t want to let them
down. You don’t want them to think you’re
inconsistent, or not a person of your word.
 
The next aspect of this mental model that makes it so
strong is the amount of effort that’s put in. The more
effort you expend on a project or idea, the stronger
your commitment to it is. You’re more committed to
a project on day one hundred after you’ve spent time,
money, and energy on it than you are on day one.
 
So how do you slay this commitment and consistency
bias once and for all? The first step, of course, is
awareness. Sit down and think about which
relationships, and which areas of your life, this
mental model is affecting. Where is the urge
strongest to impress people? Who do you want most
to think you’re consistent and reliable?
 
When your mother calls, is it really important for you
to stress how well you’re doing? Do you subliminally
(or obviously) let her know at some point in the
conversation that your life is great, your finances
have never been better, and you love your job? Your
relationship with your mom might be tainted with the
commitment and consistency bias.
 
When your boss asks for another favor, even you’re
already swamped, do you take it with a smile and
move it to the top of your priority list? That action
might be powered by commitment and consistency
bias.
 
What about the in-laws? Does the mere thought of
sitting down at the dinner table alone with them
while your significant other uses the restroom make
you sweat? Consider that relationship for hints of the
commitment and consistency bias.
 
Once you’ve determined which relationships make
you cling to your self-image, you can be more aware
of the conversations and actions that ensue. Being
aware of when you’re most vulnerable will help you
to learn where you have to be most strong. Wait until
your mom asks about your finances if she even does.
 
As difficult as it may be, slow down and be honest
with your boss about your full plate. They’ll respect
you even more for having the self-awareness and
discipline to say no. When your significant other
scoots back their chair to head to the restroom, take a
deep breath and remember that they like you for who
you are, not for who you make their parents think
you are. In any case, this is a mental model that will
take time and discipline to abolish.
 
Tips for Abolishing the Commitment and
Consistency Bias:
Don’t ignore assessing your emotions. When
reaching for stoicism, it’s really tempting to
ignore emotions entirely. However, that’s not
what this school of thought is asking you to
do at all. Assess and accept your emotions
about how you want others to see you. The
only way to get rid of this bias is by working
through it.
Use this bias in your favor. When you’re
nervous about starting a new habit, use
accountability partners to keep you going. As
long as you recognize that their opinion of
you isn’t the point here, utilizing this mental
model for your success is brilliant.
 Fight the urge to be right. Pride will only land
you in an ugly place.
 
Cognitive Appraisal
 

When was the last time you said, “That made me feel
like...” or “She/he/they made me feel like...”? My
guess is, you probably said something along those
lines at least once already either today or yesterday. It
is ingrained in our nature and our language to think
that other people and their actions are responsible for
our emotions.
 
You’re standing in line at the grocery store at the six
o’clock hour. The place is teeming with last-minute
dinner preppers. All around you, grumpy, end-of-the-
workday shoppers are giving each other looks,
snatching items off of shelves, and pushing their carts
in huffs past people who are taking too long.
 
You’re finally the next person up in the self-checkout
line, and your basket is starting to wear a strange
angular imprint on your forearm where the handle
has been resting. The stressed-out attendant smiles at
you from her computer screen as another shopper
leaves one of the kiosks, signaling that it’s your turn
to buy your groceries and get out of there.
 
Suddenly, an older gentleman walks right past you
and sets his handheld cart down on the kiosk meant
for you. Stunned, you blink and look at the attendant,
who shrugs and continues to punch buttons on the
screen in front of her. You feel the indignance rising.
How dare he! It was your turn! You’ve waited all this
time! It’s not fair!
 
Right now, you could say that man who cut you in
line is making you angry. It’s ingrained in us, even in
our language, to put the responsibility of our
emotions on other people and external situations.
 
Think about it: when a situation arises, and we have
an emotional response, what do we say? “She (or he)
just made me so upset.” We displace the emotional
responsibility from ourselves to the other person
involved in the situation that displeased us.
 
But back to the checkout line: you could say like
anyone else would, that that man just made you so
angry. But the truth is, what’s actually creating that
emotion rising in your chest is the way you perceived
the situation and the thought process you used to land
on your emotional response.
 
It’s called Cognitive Appraisal. Apart from special
circumstances where emotions really are caused
directly by actions (breaking your leg, for example,
causes pain), Cognitive Appraisal says that your
emotions are your own responsibility.
 
Your feelings are derived directly from how you’ve
appraised the situation before you. Others’ actions
and behaviors don’t make us directly feel a certain
way; it’s our cognitive processes and beliefs that
guide how we feel. This can feel a little unnerving
because our language so strongly relates actions to
our emotions.
 
“My brother was mean to me, so I am sad.”
“My car broke down, so I am frustrated.”
“That man cut me in line at the grocery store, so I am
angry.”
 
But this mental model actually theorizes that in any
given situation, we can change how we feel by
adapting our thought process. What’s interesting
about cognitive appraisal is that it occurs without us
using it intentionally all the time, every time
something stressful happens.
 
You come home from work one day to find that the
dog has dug a hole under the fence in the backyard
and escaped. Your mind will immediately begin to go
through the first phase of cognitive appraisal:
primary appraisal.
 
During primary appraisal, your brain asks, “How will
this stressor impact me?” In this case, your dog being
lost means you will have to go out and look for him.
The plans you made to settle in on the couch with a
glass of wine and an awful episode of reality tv are
gone. If you don’t find him, the impact on you will
be the loss of your pet.
 
Secondary appraisal begins not long after primary
appraisal. It takes into account all the information the
primary appraisal concluded and develops your
emotional response based on that information.
Realizing you might not have a dog anymore might
make you sad.
 
The recognition that you will now spend what
would’ve been a relaxing night at home on the streets
searching for your dog might trigger a frustrated
response. In any case, as you run out the front door
yelling your dog’s name with treats in hand, you have
unwittingly gone through the cognitive appraisal
process to land at an emotional response.
 
Now that you’re aware of this mental model, you can
start to use it logically to change your thought
process and response. In the grocery store, when the
older man cut in front of you, your first reaction was
an emotional one. Feelings took over because the
thought process wasn’t intentional. Let’s use the
cognitive appraisal mental model to think through
this example.
 
What is the personal impact of someone cutting in
front of you in the grocery store line? You will be in
the grocery store for a few more minutes until
someone else at another register finishes up their
purchases, and you can use their checkout machine.
Feelings aside, this is really the only logical impact
that will occur because the man cut in front of you.
 
Based on this information, choosing to be frustrated
about an action that will only impact the next five or
ten minutes of your night seems cavalier. On the
other hand, you could choose to take a deep breath
and allow calmness to come over you instead. In the
next few minutes, the checkout attendant will again
sheepishly smile at you and motion you toward
another vacant machine. Life will go on.
 
You might be reading this and thinking, “But the
point isn’t that his action will only physically affect
the next ten minutes of my life. The point is that I am
just as important as that man, and his actions didn’t
make it seem that way.”
 
Although this is a fair assessment, and a valid issue
to have, the dichotomy of control model asks us to
consider what about this situation we can control. We
can control our own reaction.
 
We can control how we treat others; like they’re just
as important as us. However, we can’t control the
actions of other people, and there’s nothing we could
have done to control the actions of the stranger in the
grocery store.
 
The stoic philosophy would say that because you
cannot control the outcome of that situation, you
should ignore it and not allow it to affect your day.
Similarly, stoicism would say you can’t derive your
worth from the external world. Don’t allow one
stranger’s actions to be enough to make you feel less-
than.
 
Tips for Using Cognitive Appraisal:
When you’re faced with situations like the
grocery store example, think through each
feeling that arises before you cast it aside.
Use the dichotomy of control principle to ask
yourself, “Is this something I can do
something about? Or is this something I have
to let go?”
Try not to get hung up on principles. You’re
right; sometimes it is about the principle of
the thing: people shouldn’t cut in line. But
ask yourself: will starting a confrontation
make you more or less content in the end?
 Train yourself to slow down your reaction
time. Remember that the more thorough you
are in using this mental model, the less mess
you’ll have to clean up later.
You can practice using cognitive appraisal
during meditation, or even during your
scenario analysis of the day. Think through
the challenges of the day and how you’ll
respond to each one.
 
More Practices for Stoicism from Seneca
 

Seneca the Younger, also known as just Seneca, was

a Roman philosopher and is a big name is Stoicism.
These are additional tangible practices to achieve
stoicism in your day-to-day life, as told by his
teachings.
 
1. Practice wanting.
Seneca asserts that it was essential to his mental
health as a stoic is to take a couple of days out of the
month and live in poverty.
 
On these impoverished days, he would wear older,
dirty clothes, eat smaller meals, and deny himself
small joys that on an ordinary day, he would indulge
in. By doing this exercise, he put himself face-to-face
with what most people are terrified of most: being
without.
 
He faced and conquered this fear head-on by proving
to himself that at the end of the day, he was still alive.
This practice also reinforces the stoic concept that
happiness isn’t derived from the outside world; it’s
something you create within yourself.
 
2. Train yourself to think there’s no “good” or
“bad.”
We have been told since childhood that there is a
“good” side and a “bad” side. “Good” guys and
“bad” guys. “The good witch” and “the wicked witch
of the west.” However, words like good and bad are
entirely subjective. Perception is everything. This is
why you should wipe those words out of your
vocabulary.
 
There’s no such thing as good or bad- just the way
you perceive a situation as better or worse for you.
“Bad” things can easily be turned on their heads with
logic to become lessons. “Good” things are fickle and
can easily fade or become a “bad” thing when too
much is vested in it. Do away with these subjective
words and see things for the way they are.
 
3. Use the birds-eye-view approach.
The world is a big and beautiful place. It’s incredible
to think about how many people are all alive, all at
once, all living totally different lives. People are
getting up for work at the same time other people are
tucking in to go to sleep.
 
People on one side of the world are having babies
and others on the other side of the world are watching
their grandparents pass away. Some people might’ve
landed their dream job today, while others were laid
off.
 
This is using the birds-eye-view approach. Looking
at your own little life in the context of millions of
others makes you realize not only how small you are,
but how good your life is. Things could be
completely opposite for you right now because
somewhere in the world, someone is living that life.
 
The things that bring you joy could be the things
someone else is mourning. You are so
overwhelmingly blessed, and you’ll see it better
through this lens.
 
4. Continue to use the dichotomy of control.
One of the most integral keys for using the stoic
system is releasing your grip on control. A lot of us
have control issues. We like to know what to expect,
so we know how to plan, so everything goes
smoothly and without a hitch. Live like that for long,
though, and you’ll start to notice something: the
world is full of hitches.
 
No matter how tightly you cling to that plan or try to
weasel your way into controlling something (or
someone) else to go your way, there will always be a
hitch. It is so much easier to simply take a deep
breath and let go. There are still things you can
control the heck out of. But some things, you just
won’t be able to.
 
We live in an overdramatic, over-emotional world.
We are asked from day one how we are doing.
Everyone is a little bit more sensitive as the years go
on.
 
We crave emotional understanding and believe
emotional intelligence is a kind of superpower.
Feelings are beautiful, and they strengthen
relationships and help us interact with one another.
But their place in our lives is not at the helm of the
ship.
 
So many of us live on emotional roller coasters. We
get home at the end of the day and when the one who
loves us asks, “how was your day,” it’s no longer a
one-word answer. We have to take a moment to recap
all of the exciting, emotional events that plunged us
into despair or had us riding an emotional high.
 
It’s exhausting, isn’t it? To live a life where anything
can change at a moment’s notice. At the mouth of a
co-worker talking behind your back. At the praise of
your boss during a meeting and then the cafe’s lack
of oat milk in the next thirty minutes.
 
Stoicism may seem cold to our soft, emotional
beings, but it is a kind of freedom. We live shackled
to the way we feel. We think we have no control over
the breaks in the waves, but we do, and we have no
idea how to captain our own ship. Stoicism paves the
way for deciding for yourself that your future is
going to be bright, and you’re going to make it that
way.
 
Stoicism is the path that says, “This is what I’m
doing, and nothing can stop me, no matter what
annoying inconvenience comes next to ruin me.”
 
If you want to put your hands on the wheel of your
life, of your success, of your future, you should try
being the captain for a change. You should try
deciding how you’re going to feel and then feeling
that way. Welcome to a stoic lifestyle.
 
 Chapter 6: Building Your Own Mental
Model
 
 
 

As you’ve probably already guessed, there are mental

models that work better for some people and mental
models that work better for others. For some, the
Circle of Competency mental model might strike a
chord and change the whole trajectory of their life.
Another person might read about the same mental
model and not feel affected at all.
 
We each have a unique mindset, learning style, and
goal, which means we each need a different
combination of mental models to get us there. Mental
models are a unique tool in that you can pick and
choose which models pair together well to
accomplish your individual goals. You can even
construct your own worldview to add to the mix.
 
Developing your own toolkit of mental models, or
even building your own mental model, will work best
to achieve your goals because the more
individualized your tools, the greater they will work
for your individual outcome.
 
Building a mental model might seem like a daunting
task. So far, we’ve seen billionaire investors,
inventors, athletes, and even Navy SEALs coming up
with, and using, their own mental models. But you
don’t have to be famous, worth billions, or even
brilliant, to design a mental model that will work
specifically and uniquely for your purposes in your
life.
 
We’re going to break down this project into a
definition, a series of steps, and a list of tips. Before
you know it, you’ll be lumped along with the
businessmen worth billions and the spaceship
phenomenons.
 
We’ll start by renaming what a mental model is.
After five chapters of nothing but examples of mental
models, the actual, technical definition might have
snuck out the backdoor.
 
Remember that a mental model is simply an image of
the world as you see it that affects the way you make
decisions and react to it. It’s a simple concept that
can expand to include self-discipline, work habits,
and other important tactics to accomplish your goals.
 
Identifying Your Mental Models and Their Impacts
 
Now that you know a little bit more about mental
models after reading this book, you’ll want to start by
identifying the mental models that you currently
operate with. Like we mentioned earlier in this book,
you’ve probably been operating with mental models
all your life without knowing it.
 
How you were raised has a big impact on how you
see the world, even as an adult. Many stereotypes are
built from childhood. For example, if a family
member you grew up close to was homophobic, you
might have a harder time accepting the LGBTQ+
community as an adult. For most of your childhood,
you saw this family member wrinkle their nose when
two girls kissed on a television show or use the word
‘gay’ as an insult. It will take recognition, time, and
work for you to rewrite the worldview your family
member has written for you about homosexual
relationships.
 
Take a close look at the values of your parents and
the values of your family. What are the topics that
come up in conversation frequently? When your dad
calls or stops by to ask how you’re doing, what kind
of questions does he ask?
 
My parents started their family young. When they
began having children, neither of them had the life
skills necessary to run a household. Soon, they
realized that money ran out quickly when you didn’t
budget or save, but neither of them knew how to
rectify the situation between working and taking care
of kids. The result was a cycle of living paycheck-to-
paycheck, riding the high on payday and then
dramatically plummeting into poverty as the money
ran out toward the end of the month.
 
In her mid-thirties, my mom finally got sick of this
lifestyle, and her worldview about finances turned the
opposite direction, into almost obsession. Now when
she calls, she asks about how my savings account is
doing. In an outreach of love, she’ll ask if I want her
to look over my budget for me. What makes her
excited nowadays is a really good sale at the grocery
store or the outlet store.
 
What is your worldview like about money? Are you a
self-proclaimed “saver,” plunking pennies down in
jars on the counter? Do you keep a vigilant budget
and know exactly where each dollar goes? Or are you
more of a “spender,” treating yourself to dinners out
when you feel like it and getting a rush of
intoxication come pay time?
 
Now turn your mind to your relationships. What is
your mental model like when it comes to your family,
your friends, your coworkers, and even strangers?
What are your expectations like for others, and for
yourself, in relationships? An interesting tool that
may help you define your mental models when it
comes to relationships are personality assessments
like the Meyers-Briggs, Enneagram, DISC profile, or
Five Love Languages.
 
The Meyers-Briggs test will assess you for your
personality type based on four areas of life, resulting
in a four-letter combination. You can read all about
each of the letters on their website or in the
subsequent results of your assessment.
 
The first letter will assess how you “recharge” best:
whether you’re more Introverted (I) or Extroverted
(E). The second will assess how you view social
situations: you’ll either fall closer to the Intuition (N)
side or the Sensing (S) side. The third letter will tell
you when you make decisions if they’re more likely
to be Feeling-based (F) or Thinking-based (T). The
fourth and final letter will tell you whether you like
your world neat, organized, and predictable (Judging,
noted with a ‘J’) or if you’re a more go-with-the-flow
person (Perceiving, ‘P’).
 
After finding your unique four-letter combination,
this test will assign you a nickname based on the type
and an in-depth assessment of how you tend to act in
your personal relationships.
 
The Enneagram is a test based on the book ‘The
Road Back to You,’ by Ian Morgan Cron and
Suzanne Stabile. This test will assign you one
number that will determine your personality type.
 
The DISC profile is a personality assessment geared
toward working relationships. It will determine
which of four personality types you fall under as a
worker and how you relate to other workers of
different personality types.
 
You might be a ‘D’ for Dominant, getting things
done as bluntly and quickly as possible. You could be
an ‘I,’ the bubbly, creative type that needs a push to
get to the end of projects. You could be the slightly
more introverted version of the ‘I’ personality, the
‘S,’ who is very sensitive but has excellent personal
skills. Or, finally, you could be the ‘C,’ enjoying
statistics and analysis and charts and graphs. The idea
is that a team flourishes when it has an equal balance
of all four personality types. The team will also
flourish, however, if it knows which member is
which type of the personality scale. For example, if
you know you’re an ‘S,’ and your boss is a ‘D,’ you
can know that he’ll come into your office without
any small talk, grill you about a project deadline, and
leave. Where before, this might have hurt your
feelings and you might have thought hated you, you
will be able to understand that ‘D’s operate on
productivity and find joy in getting things done.
 
Similarly, if you’re the boss in this situation and you
know that your employee is an ‘S,’ you might start
by asking how her cat is doing before launching into
the tirade about the project schedule.
 
The final aptitude test mentioned here is the Five
Love Languages, which is geared more towards
personal or romantic relationships. This test will
guide you in realizing how you feel most appreciated,
and how you can make others feel the same way.
 
Even if you’re devoting all of your energy to making
your loved one feel appreciated, if you’re not using
their love language, it’s not going to mean as much to
them as it does to you. This test will file you into one
of several categories: Words of Affirmation, Gifts,
Physical Touch, Quality Time, or Acts of Service.
Most of the time, how you demonstrate you love
others is how you want to be shown you’re loved
back.
 
With that being said, if the most special thing to you
is hearing someone verbally tell you how much
you’re appreciated, you’re probably a Words of
Affirmation adherent. Maybe you feel most loved
when your boyfriend or girlfriend comes home with a
surprise for you, even as simple as takeout for dinner
or a bouquet of flowers.
 
You might be a Gifts person. If in the worst-case
scenario, you’ve been known to be ‘clingy,’ but in
the best-case scenario, you just like to be hugged and
cuddled, you could be a person who values Physical
Touch. The people who have the Quality Time love
language really just need face-to-face, concentrated
time. This means no phones, no other screens, just
you and that loved one having a conversation or
sitting side-by-side, enjoying each other without
multi-tasking.
 
The final love language is for people who never feel
more loved than when their family member or
significant other recognizes they have a lot on their
plate and decide to take something off of it for them.
Mopping the kitchen floor while they’re at work or
prepping for dinner for the nights to come is the way
to the heart for these people.
 
Each of these tests has a free version online that will
test you for your aptitude or feelings on a variety of
situations. Based on your answers, these tests will
label you with an archetype based on their theory
about personalities. Standing alone or comparing
results from a multitude, none of the results from
these tests should be taken as absolute truth.
 
Remember that they are all theories. When reading
your results, think with a skeptical mind and glean
information that feels true to you.
 
However, reading the results of personality tests like
these is interesting to unveil ideas you might have
about yourself and others you might not have noticed
before. Each of these assessments will give you a
different perspective on your romantic relationships,
friendships, family relationships, and working
relationships. You might be able to use some of that
information to determine your worldview when it
comes to these kinds of relationships.
 
You can also determine your mental models in
relationships by simply observing the interactions
you have with others and how your mind works
during them. Do you often feel annoyed with your
friend when she cancels plans at the last minute? You
might have an expectation of commitment from your
friend that differs from hers. If your girlfriend or wife
is bugging you about how much you’re on your
phone lately, it might be because her love language is
Quality Time and she needs some with you. If your
daughter refuses to come out of her room, she might
just be a teenager, or she might be recharging from a
long day at school as an Introvert on the Meyers-
Briggs scale.
 
Expanding Your Mental Model
Now that you’ve determined which mental models
you already use day-to-day, you can expand them to
work better for you. Part of constructing your mental
models toolkit is honing the mental models you
already put into play. Use these steps to make your
existing mental models work better for you.
 
1. LEARN.
Learn everything there is to know about your area of
expertise, or your area of competency, as Charlie
Munger would say. Read biographies and articles
from the big-wigs of your world. Learn how they
think and how they became successful. Learn to
recognize their mental models (again, remember this
is just a term for their worldview) and put them into
play in your own life to see how they work for you.
 
2. LEARN MORE.
Studying the big names of your own practice is an
excellent tool to gain new mental models, but also
consider learning about other related, or even non-
related fields. Look at successful companies and
business owners, even if their products have nothing
to do with your life. You’re searching for attitudes
and worldviews that make people successful,
regardless of the business.
 
3. DISSECT YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.
Get into the habit of writing every day, or if you’re
not a writer, thinking out loud. The purpose of this
exercise is to look at how you think and how putting
new worldviews into place is affecting your ideas and
thoughts. Keep track of these sessions in the notes
app on your phone or in a notebook, even if it’s just a
bullet-point list. Constantly assess and reassess to
judge how your mental models are doing.
 
4. PHONE A FRIEND.
Keeping your experiments with mental models in a
vacuum will only usher in so much success. Every
once in a while, you’ll need new ideas and a new
perspective. Tell a friend or a mentor, someone you
respect, about the mental models you’re trying out
and how they’re working for you. Ask them for
feedback. What do they think? Do they see any
unhealthy habits or perspectives forming? What do
they think you could add to further deepen your
perspective?
 
5. KEEP TABS ON YOUR OUTLOOK.
We learned in the last chapter that even when
everything else is falling apart externally, we still get
to control our emotions and our reactions. Being
disciplined and focused on your goals will propel you
forward, but even more so if you pair that motivation
with a positive and level mindset. Keep practicing
gratefulness and other stoic exercises we learned
about to keep tabs on your mood and your mindset.
 
Now let’s take a look at another mental model by the
successful investor, Charlie Munger.
 
The Lollapalooza Effect
 

For as linked as the term ‘mental model’ is with

Charlie Munger’s name, you would think that he’s a
psychology expert. However, mental models didn’t
always lie in Munger’s area of competency. He
actually got his start in understanding worldviews by
reading several psychology textbooks as an adult, on
his own. What he gleaned from his study of these
textbooks is that we all operate with cognitive biases.
 
To refresh what we learned about cognitive biases in
the first chapter, this term refers to any idea we have
about the world that affects our behavior (and our
success). At any given moment, we could be subject
to one bias or another, but what Munger found is that
when several cognitive biases coincided, they were
more powerful than just one on its’ own.
 
Munger calls this the Lollapalooza Effect, and it’s a
mental model. The most famous, and best example,
Charlie Munger cites when he talks about this model
is the Tupperware party. If you haven’t heard of this,
the Tupperware party is an advertising technique
much like a Pampered Chef or Mary Kay party. The
seller of the product invites people to their home to
demonstrate their wares and give an opportunity for
their friends to purchase them. Munger asserts that
this kind of advertising situation puts four different
cognitive biases into play.
 
The first bias is Reciprocity. This cognitive bias says
that when someone performs a favor for you or
extends a kindness to you, you will have the urge
reciprocate, or return the favor.
 
The second bias is Liking bias. This bias states that
we like doing business with people we like, and
therefore, we will conduct business interactions more
often with people who are more like us.
 
The Social Proof bias is one we’ve already discussed.
This bias operates in part with the bandwagon bias.
To recap, the social proof bias means that if we’re
unsure about what to do, we will look around and do
whatever the rest of the group is doing. When we’re
not confident about our actions, we follow suit with
the rest of the crowd.
 
The final bias present in the Tupperware Party is
another one we’ve already covered: the Commitment
and Consistency bias. This was the bias where the
daughter hid her cheer shoes further under the bed to
maintain the idea that she was correct, rather than tell
her mom she was wrong. The commitment and
consistency bias states that even if we know we’re
wrong, we want so badly to appear consistent to
others that we will resist changing our view.
 
Here’s how it works in relation to the Tupperware
Party. First, you get a call from your good friend
Tom, who you’re connected to in small but sure
ways. Your kids went to elementary school together
but are no longer friends. You work in the same
building as his neighbor.
 
You see each other every once in a while in the
grocery store and engage in small talk for a few
minutes in the dairy aisle. So, Tom calls and invites
you to a Tupperware party at his house the following
Saturday. Here comes liking bias: you like Tom and
have no reason to blow him off, so you say, “Sure,
why not, I’ll go!”
 
The next Saturday comes and finds you in Tom’s
living room, sitting on Tom’s couch, munching on
Tom’s Tupperware party snacks. The reciprocity bias
starts to gnaw at you. Here is your friend, Tom,
welcoming you into his home and extending this
hospitality to you. Wouldn’t it be rude if you came,
accepted his hospitality, and left without buying any
of his products? The reciprocity bias says you have to
take home at least one thing from Tom’s collection to
pay him back for being so kind to you.
 
But which piece of Tupperware should you buy?
After your friend’s presentation, you find yourself at
a loss. You know you have to take home something,
but nothing really jumps out at you as something you
need. You’re totally unsure of your decision, but you
see three or four people eyeing a Tupperware set over
in the corner.
 
The social proof bias is upon you, and it says, “You
don’t know what to buy, but those people do. That
Tupperware set must have value. I’ll get that one!”
Before you know it, you’re headed home, a bag of
Tupperware you probably didn’t need in hand.
 
As you pull into the driveway, a sinking feeling
settles into your gut. You picture the Tupperware
cabinet in your kitchen, overflowing with discolored
plastic bins and stacks of mismatching red and blue
lids. You don’t need any more Tupperware, and yet
you went to a Tupperware party and brought some
more home anyway.
 
Now whoever is on the other side of that door when
you walk into the house is going to eye your new
Tupperware and make fun of you for caving into the
Tupperware party’s schemes.
 
As you climb out of the car, grabbing your new
Tupperware friends, you start to defend yourself in
your head. You’re in full commitment and
consistency bias mode. Maybe you can get rid of
some of the old Tupperware and replace it with the
new stuff. You needed new Tupperware anyway.
 
These are high-quality containers. They’ll last
forever! On and on it goes as you march up the
driveway, steeling yourself for the conversation to be
had when you unlock the door and sneak inside with
the Tupperware (let’s be honest) you never really
needed.
 
One by one, each of these cognitive biases probably
wouldn’t have gotten you into a situation like
spending an afternoon with an acquaintance you
don’t really know out of obligation or sneaking into
the house with Tupperware you don’t really need.
But together, this ensemble of cognitive biases
completely derailed an entire Saturday afternoon and
thirty dollars of your pocket money.
 
What the Lollapalooza Effect can tell us about
building our own mental model is this: while one is
strong, building a foundation of several overlapping
mental models is much stronger. Though the
Tupperware party is a classic example highlighting
the nature of the Lollapalooza Effect, there are also
positive ways this mental model can affect your life.
 
Take Alcoholics Anonymous, for example:
“The system of Alcoholics Anonymous: a 50-percent
no-drinking rate outcome when everything else fails?
It’s a very clever system that uses four or five
psychological systems at once toward; I might say, a
very good end.”
-Charlie Munger
  
When understood and used benevolently, a system of
overlapping cognitive biases can create a powerful
mental model used to urge you forward. If you know
you’re sensitive to the social proof bias (which states
that when you’re unsure, you’ll do what everyone
else is doing), you can surround yourself with people
you look up to. That way, when you’re subject to the
social prof bias and find yourself flailing and copying
someone else, you’ll know it’s at least a worthy
decision.
 
Similarly, if you’re aware that the reciprocity bias
typically reels you in, you can live your life prepared
to give willingly and generously. You might find that
the key to desensitizing yourself to this bias is
generous to someone before they have a chance to be
kind to you. Going through life with that kind of a
mindset can’t steer you wrong.
 
Tips for Using the Lollapalooza Effect
Be aware of the cognitive biases you’re
sensitive to. We’ve only studied a few of
the many hundreds of kinds of biases in
this book. Go online and research a list.
One by one, make your way through the
cognitive biases, thinking of how each
could have a place in your life. If you’re
unaware of the biases you’re subject to,
you’re leaving no room for change. Free
yourself from the cognitive biases that
might be holding you back.
Study obligatory situations like the
Tupperware party for cognitive biases
that might be in play. If you find yourself
thinking, “What am I doing here?” or,
“This isn’t how I wanted to spend my day
(or my money),” you might be able to
 find a few cognitive biases hidden
somewhere.
Use these biases for good in your life!
Manipulate yourself into sticking to your
habits or running towards your goals by
using the cognitive biases that seem to
have the most presence in your life.
Determine which mental models you can
introduce cognitive biases into to make
them even more powerful. Would the first
principles model be easier for you to
think through if you talked through it
with someone you liked, using the liking
bias? Would you be more motivated to
complete an Eisenhower box if your
friend checked in on you, using the
commitment and consistency bias?
Strengthen your toolkit by pairing your
tools.
 
Before you started reading this book, you might not
have known what mental models were. You might
have heard the term before but not understood what
they were. You might’ve done a little bit of research
but not fully understood how to put them into place.
Take a moment and congratulate yourself.
 
You have come so far from the person who opened
this book for the first time. You now have the
knowledge you can apply practically any time you
choose in any area of your life you choose to apply it.
Simply by taking the time to educate yourself, you
have grown leaps and bounds in adding to the tools
that will push you forward to success.
 
If you were in a rut before, you now know that it is
your responsibility alone to pave a new path and dig
yourself out of it. You alone are responsible for
cultivating your success and creating opportunities
for yourself.
 
If you had no idea what you wanted to do with your
life before, you could now use mental models like the
circle of competence to put the pieces together. What
are you good at? What brings you joy? What lies
within your area of competence that you want to
pursue?
 
If your relationships, romantically, familial, or
friendship, were lacking, you now know about tools
like personality assessments you can use to work on
those relationships. Effort is an important aspect of
creating a lasting friendship, romantic relationship, or
working family relationship, but if you’re
concentrating that effort in the wrong area, or
speaking the wrong love language, your effort might
be better suited elsewhere.
 
Finally, if you came to this book because you’re just
not happy anymore, you are now empowered to
change your life. You know what will bring you
success, but better than that, you’ve learned about
mental toughness and stoicism. Remember that there
are things outside of your control. In fact, you can’t
raise a finger and fix most of the world.
 
What you do have control over is how you choose to
feel in those situations. You can allow external
situations to ruin your day and your happiness, or you
can take a deep breath, shrug your shoulders, and
move on. You can determine your own sense of
success and joy.
 
All of that has always been up to you. Now you just
have more tools to utilize it.
 Conclusion
 

In this book, we learned about several different

mental models:
The First Principles mental model, famously
used by Elon Musk to build rockets from
scratch
Ivan Pavlov’s Classical Conditioning mental
model, in which dogs salivated at the sound
of a heel click and Little Albert learned to be
afraid of white rats
Scenario Analysis, a mental model that
allows us to prepare for the day ahead by
visualizing the challenges we might face
The Circle of Competence mental model,
used by Charlie Munger and Warren Buffet,
which states that the surest way to success is
defining your boundaries of competence and
staying within them
The Eisenhower Matrix, developed by the
former President to assist in prioritizing task
lists
B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits mental model, where
we were inspired to create big, lasting
changes by consistently meeting tiny goals
 The Commitment and Consistency Bias,
where we learned that what people think of us
can drive how we behave
Cognitive Appraisal, a mental model that
empowered us to decide for ourselves how to
feel, and
The Lollapalooza Effect, which states that as
strong as one mental model is on its’ own, a
toolkit of overlapping mental models is much
more powerful
 
You’ve done it. You have officially taken the first
step toward being a more self-disciplined, focused,
successful person with your new-found knowledge of
mental models. I hope your journey won’t stop here.
Although this book provided a comprehensive
summary of multiple mental models, there are
hundreds of different models out there.
 
There might be a mental model that really clicks with
you but wasn’t covered in these chapters. You owe to
yourself and your future successes to find those
mental models that will work best for you.
 
Thank you for reading this book all the way through
to the end. I hope it was an informative read and able
to provide you with more tools to achieve your goals,
whatever they may be.
 
Do you remember when you first began reading this
book, and I asked you at the end of the introduction
to think about your goals and what this book would
do for them? Think about them now. Have they
changed or adapted? Have you added onto your list
of things you want to accomplish? Use the
momentum you’ve gained by learning about mental
models to make changes to your life to get there.
Your habits and routines should reflect the person
you want to be and the success you hope to achieve.
Do they? What can you do, using the knowledge
we’ve walked through in this book, to alter your day-
to-day life to better fit the image of the person you
hope to be in a year?
 
One tool for mental models discussed in this book
briefly, but never at length, is journaling. Grabbing a
notebook and making it your mission to fill it will
help with every mental model, regardless of your
goals. To continue the journey you started by reading
this book, go out and grab a notebook. Here’s what
you will find when you journal about mental models:
Writing down what you want to achieve
makes your goals and habits more than just a
passing thought. By physically writing down
what you dream of on paper, you are making
a more concrete pact to yourself to actually
get it done.
If you struggle with defining your goals,
journaling using prompts can help you think
through what you want to achieve and why.
Don’t let the word ‘goal’ scare you into
paralysis. A goal is just a mile marker on the
path to get where you ultimately want to end
up. Journaling about the end game can help
you to establish what those mile markers
might look like.
Writing also helps you to recognize passions
you didn’t know were there before. Often,
writing can feel like meditation. It’s a time to
be totally present with your thoughts, so ideas
flow out of you naturally when you’re
concentrating on only yourself and your
future.
By journaling, you’ll realize that some mental
models, like the Eisenhower Matrix, are just
easier to see on paper. It’s hard to keep track
 of lists and tasks when they’re all jumbled in
your head.
Journaling can also help keep track of your
gratitude habit. It’s so interesting to look back
after a while and see what you were grateful
for back then and what you’ve maybe lost
focus of but can reenergize now.
Some methods of journaling, like the Bullet
Journal, can also help keep you organized and
become a part of your self-discipline regimen.
Organized journaling can help keep track of
your habits and schedule, and give an extra
boost of motivation by providing a box for
you to check off after a task is completed.
 
Finally, mental models are incredible tools, but they
are just that: tools. No self-help routine or
psychology trick is the magic path to success. These
tools exist for you to collect and hopefully be able to
put to use, but as Maya Angelou famously said,
nothing will work if you don’t. If you really want to
see your dreams tangibly in front of you, the only
person who’s going to be able to make that happen is
you.
 
You are the only person qualified to bring your goals
to life. You are the only one who is excited enough
and willing enough to make your future as beautiful
as you’ve always dreamed it would be. No magic tool
is going to work as well as your own grit, passion,
and excitement for your dreams. This is it. The end of
the line. Go get ‘em, tiger.
 
  
 
Mental Models Tools
 

Great Techniques to Upgrade Your

Thinking Skills and Achieve Super
Performance. Tips, and Tricks to Improve
Your Critical Thinking, Problem Solving,
and Decision-Making Process
 
 

By
Brandon Dark
 Introduction
 

 
Congratulations on taking the next step to have the life you have always
wanted!  Mental Models Tools will help you understand what they are and
how they can increase your productivity. In the following chapters, you will
find tips and actions you can take right now to help you move closer to the
life you want.
 
This book will not only explain what mental models are but, how they can
work in your everyday and business life.  Easy step-by-step actions that you
can take to get started on changing your mental models into more positive
and productive models.  These models will take you to the next level in
your life and business.
 
It will teach you to become more goal orientated and focused on getting
what you want out of life and business.  Metal Models Tools will help you
be more organized in your thinking so, you can get more accomplished.
 
It is understanding that when you learn these mental model tools, you can
teach your business team to do the same.  In turn, your business will be a
team because everyone will know the goal of the company, and everyone
will have a voice and will feel a part of the more significant cause. 
 
You will have a history of mental models and the brilliant scientist that has
brought this concept to so many people.
 
In business, when you allow the employees to grow as a person that growth
shows up in their work-life as well. It is a winning situation.  Understanding
this element will increase the lives of the employee and the company as a
whole.
 
Mental models are different for everyone. No two people think alike all the
time.  Our experiences, education, upbringing, and everything else that has
happened in our life shape our mental models.  Some of these, have not
always had a positive outcome.  This is where we can change them, and this
book will help you do it. 
 
 Chapter 1: What Are the Mental Models?
 

 
The definition of the term mental models is explained in Wikipedia as
followed “A mental model is an explanation of someone’s thought process
about how something works in the real world.  It is a representation of the
surrounding world, the relationships between its various parts, and a
person’s intuitive perception about his or her acts and their consequences.”
 
Each person sees the world differently.  No two people think alike on
everything. The reason is because of all that our brains have taken in over
the years.  Education, experiences (good and bad), religion, our parents, and
family.  Everything in our life that has molded us into what we are today. 
We have specific patterns we use to problem solve.  We both could come up
with the same answer on a mathematical problem but, how we both had
gotten that answer could have been different.  The outcome was the same,
but the methods were very different.  The thinking patterns between senior
adults and teenagers, children and parents, females and males are different. 
Most of us have already established this difference by this point in our lives.
 
The good thing about this is we all bring different perspectives to the table. 
Which, in turn, we can come up with a solution to the problem at hand. 
Having different views on the issue will open your eyes (and others) to see
things differently but, yet still have your perspective on it but, in a different
way.  You are looking at it differently as well. 
 
For example, there are 10 acres of flat land with a pond. The realtor sees
profit in selling it, and a developer sees high rise buildings, the
environmentalist sees how this land could be preserved and help flourish. A
biologist sees ways to protect the animals and all living things on this
property.  It is the same land but many different views on what to do with
it.  It doesn’t mean one is right, and one is wrong; it only means they are
different. 
 
These different views and perspectives also bring the opportunity to open
your mind to different ways of thinking or viewing things.  If your brain
thinks more critically, then, having a creative mind on the team project may
open your mind up to new ways of thinking just as your thinking will open
the way they think.  The ideas will flow both ways for everyone.  Having
more than one person working on a project brings more ideas on how to
solve the problem or situation that the team is facing.
 
The decisions we make are based on what we have experienced in our lives
or what we believe to be true.  We use mental models to survive, create,
improve on what is already here. Thousands and thousands of models are in
our system. Some of these models we don’t realize we even have them or
use them.  Mental models are based on experiences, intuitive, religion,
childhood, health everything!  Mental models are everything we think about
and do.
 
Some may not consider intuition as part of your mental models, but it is
included.  Intuition is a feeling you get but, can’t explain and really don’t
need to “think” the situation through.  It is the gut feeling people talk about
having.  The feeling you have as a teenager when you know you shouldn’t
be at this party but, you went anyway, and the cops showed up, and you
keep thinking “I knew I shouldn’t have come. I should have listened to my
gut.”  Yep, that is intuition. Intuition gives you insights on not only how to
survive but, also how to create and bring your life to the next level.  A voice
tells you to take a break from writing your book and take your dog for a
walk, and you listen to that voice and take the dog for a walk. 
 
In doing so, you bump into the man of your dreams.  That urge to tell your
idea to everyone sitting in the board room and you don’t know why.  The
thought you have about talking to that stranger but, you have no idea why
and then find out they are just the person you need for your business.  The
intuition works for all of us, all the time. We have to listen; we have to act
upon what it is telling us.  We may not understand at the time, but it will
show why that action needed to be done eventually. 
 
Intuition is called a lot of different names.  God, Universe, Holy Spirit,
Great Divine, Inner Self.  Whatever you call it, listen to it, and listen to it
often.  It will lead you in the right direction.  It may not be the direction you
“THINK” you should be going in but, trust your gut; it knows where you
need to be at all times.
 

The Historic People Behind Mental

Models:
 
Kenneth Craik (Philosopher and Psychologist)
A philosopher and psychologist by the name of Kenneth Craik was born in
Scotland and studied extensively in Scotland as well as England. At the
University of Edinburgh, he had studied philosophy.  He also earned his
doctorate from Cambridge University in 1940. Fellowship was at St. John’s
College, Cambridge in 1941. He had written a book (essay) in 1943 called
“The nature of explanation.” This book (essay) was the first to mention the
term “mental models” though, it is unclear of the origin of the term but, he
was the first one to bring it to light.  The book is still a big part of studies
done all around the globe.  Some argue, and some agree with the ideas he
had in this book.
 
This book was written right before the impact of digital computers. 
Kenneth Craik took the concept (perspective) as the mind is a very complex
machine. He is using symbolism that is used in machinal devices the same
way as how our thought process works.  After coming up with this concept,
he asked himself why?  Why is an explanation sought after in the first
place?  In conclusion, it was a way to adapt to our world or surroundings.
Our future looks at what we need to change or do to come up with a
solution.
 
If a hurricane is coming to the coast and you live on that coastline.  You
want to know as much as you can about the storm so you can prepare your
home and self for whatever it brings. Is it strong? How strong? Is it bad
enough for me to leave the area?  Can I stay and wait it out? We start to
calculate and determine “what if” happenings.  We want to evaluate the
situation and try to “figure out” what our next moves will be.  Predictions
that are calculated and determined for the future.  Some models are for our
survival. 
 
Flight or fight scenario plays a part in this situation also again, another
mental model.  It takes several models to make one decision. It never really
is one thought or way of thinking.  It is several ways of thinking.  In this
situation, you are using a fight or flight, should I stay or go? Calculating
how much time you have before it hits, what will you need for the trip out
of the area and when you should leave and how far away you should go. 
So, mathematics plays a part in it too.  I have been in this situation before,
what happened the last time? The memory of having to do this before.
Different models are firing at the same time to help you figure the problem
out. 
 
In World War II he had been a part of a team, along with Gordon Butler Iles
that had dramatic advances on the flight simulators for the RAF (The Royal
Air Force).  Along with these advances, they also did extensive studies on
the lack of sleep in pilots and what effects it had on them.  His work has
helped many studies in cognitive science.  He had opened a door for so
many advancements.  Kenneth Craik was killed only a few years after
writing “The nature of explanation.”  He was hit by a car as he was riding
his bicycle, he was taken to the hospital and died the next day.  In his short
career, he has raised awareness of the mental models and the new age of
cybernetics.   He indeed was a pioneer in this field of mental models.
 

Philip Johnson-Laird (Professor and Author)

Philip Johnson-Laird was born in 1936 in Leeds, United Kingdom.  Philip
Johnson-Laird was doing odd jobs for ten years before he decided to head
to school and become a professor and earning his Ph.D. in 1967.  It is never
too late to start.  I think what I like about his work most is that his writing is
easy to understand.  A degree in science or psychology to understand what
he is explaining is not necessary.  Kenneth Craik, on the other hand, it
would be helpful.
 
There are so many areas of the human thought process that are studied and
how mental models play a role in all of them.  Dr. Johnson-Laird has
written many books on the human reasoning mental models.  Mental
models are the thoughts we have.  The ideas we have and putting them
together to create a plan to solve a problem we have at hand.  It could be as
simple as getting across a busy street and as complex as learning calculus in
college.  The field of reasoning that Philip studied and wrote about was how
we make decisions and the reasoning we put behind them. 
 
We could make a wise decision and be it be an amazing one or make a
wrong decision and have a horrible outcome.  Either way, the reasoning
behind it is based on our mental models.  He points out limiting beliefs are
a massive part of why we continue to make bad decisions.  We can’t “see”
the possibilities that will come out of a particular decision.  We only see
what our memories have shown us.  So, in turn, we limit the beliefs and
continue to think we can’t do something because it didn’t work in the past.
 
A woman considers leaving an abusive relationship.  Her rational thoughts
(mental models) tells her she should go and never come back. That, this
behavior is not healthy for a person on so many levels, physical and mental.
This would be the right decision and would lead to a healthier, happier
lifestyle and could open one’s life up to numerous positive opportunities. 
The woman had tried to leave previously, and the abuser has beat her so
severely she was admitted to the hospital.  The limiting beliefs and
memories keep her in the relationship.  She cannot see the possibilities
leaving the relationship would hold for her because she only can see the
past.  So, she will tell herself “stories” (mental models) to stay and convince
herself that it is the best move for her.  She will make excuses for her abuser
and tell herself he loves her. He is just having a hard time and is stressed
about work.  He will be kind to her and show attention, and this will
reinforce what she is telling herself.  When her abuser attacks again, she
will blame it on the drinking he has done all day.  She will use the reason
even when the idea doesn’t make sense. 
 
The reasoning is a lie, and she will convince herself it is true.  Her mental
models are based on memories and blurred to the possibilities leaving
would hold for her.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. She will
continue to stay until SHE changes the mental models.  Once you learn
something good or bad, it is hard to change it.  Once, you decide to improve
your mental models to a more successful outcome, and you won’t go back
to the way they were.  You have made new connections and will have
different mental models that will serve you better.
 
Dr. Philip Johnson-Laird studied at the University of London and received
his Ph.D. there.  He also had won the International Prize which an award
presented to a candidate that had distinguished research in an area
supported by the foundation.  He had taught at Princeton University and
was a senior scholar of the department of psychology. He also received an
honorary doctor in science degree from Princeton in 1996. He retired in
2012 after 23 years of teaching.  He has done outstanding work on
reasoning and language learning.
 

Ruth M. J. Byrne (Cognitive Scientist and

Author)
Ruth Byrne had attended Trinity College Dublin and the University College
Dublin.  She is now a cognitive science professor at the Trinity College of
Dublin.  She is an author of several books and essays regarding the
imagination.  The study of imagination is not one that has been studied a
lot.  But, in her book “The Rational Imagination” she brings to our attention
how imagination thinking is linked to rational thinking more closely than
previously thought. 
 
The guidelines that we use for rational thinking is also used in imaginative
thinking.  The difference between the two is with imagination thinking or
creative thinking; we are solving a problem with new ideas a new way of
thinking that has no limits. It is free to wonder any way to solve the
problem.  Whereas, rational thinking is based on the information and facts
that are available at the time.  It is a more limited way of thinking because
we only have the information that is given or facts. Ruth Byrne thinks that
these two ways of thinking are similar in how we process it.
 
We still observe, analysis and solve the problem but, just in different ways.
Critical thinking, for example, is when a contractor looks at a blueprint of a
house and has to figure out how much lumber is needed to frame the house,
build walls, staircase, etc.  A creative thinker is bringing new ideas to the
world.  The creative thinker has a way of looking at the same problem but,
finding new ways to figure them out.  They are “out of the box” thinkers. 
They don’t see it like everyone else.  A fashion designer that is creating a
new line of clothes for a casual work look, most fashion designers don’t do
that.  They could use colors, fabric, patterns in different ways to create the
look they have in their minds. The mind is open to new ideas.
 
Dr. Ruth Byrne has also studied counterfactual thoughts or counterfactual
mental models.  It is the concept of creating an alternate outcome of a past
situation. The “if only” or “what if.”  If Mary had taken her usual routine to
work, she wouldn’t be in an accident.  The way the mind thinks about past
situations and imagine what we could have done differently.  If Tom would
have said he loved Sara, they would still be together.  What if Stacie was
voted class president.  At some point, the mind will take these “what if” and
make them part of the history even if it wasn’t what really happened. 
 
We wanted the “what if” to be true that the mind starts to believe it.  We all
perceive a situation differently and looking back on that situation years later
may even produce a different idea of what happened at the time.  All
concepts of thinking are needed to guide us and help us make the right
decisions and move us forward to a better life.  All of these ideas and
concepts will help shape the new generation of thinkers. They will add to
what is already here and create the next level of information and studies.
 

Peter Senge (American System Scientist, Author)

Peter Senge has been an enormous influence on the way businesses are run
today.  He has written several books on system thinking.  The one that has
changed the business world the most has been “The fifth discipline.”  This
book gives the groundwork to have a successful business by using the
organization and system thinking structure.  The concept behind this is to
include everyone in the company from the least paid to the most paid. 
Everyone’s ideas count, and everyone works together as a team.  The team
concept is the framework for the new way business is done.
 
Peter Senge is a pioneer in the learning Organization thinking. Peter is a
graduate from MIT and now is the senior lecturer there.  Peter has created a
system for both the company and the employee to grow and expand
together as well as individually.  Organization and system thinking are vital
to creating a successful business that will withstand the years.  Helping the
employee become a better person and have a more positive perspective on
life will not only enhance that employee, but it will also benefit the
company. 
 
Happy employees are more efficient and will create results in problems.  If
an employee feels she can express ideas and be creative in a safe work
environment, she is more likely to speak up and give significant input.  If an
employee feels a sense of belonging and that their ideas will be heard in a
safe and open work environment, more creative concepts to resolve
problems will come forth.  In his book “The Fifth Discipline,” he explains
the five principles to create a learning organization system.  We will
examine each and give an example to understand better how the system
works.
 

Build a Shared Vision

Create a vision for the company that everyone can feel they had a part in it. 
Ask employees their opinion and make them a part of the vision. 
Employees want to do a task because they are asked not because they are
told by management.  If everyone in the company has the same CLEAR
vision, the flow of the business will be smoother because everyone is
working towards the same goal or vision. 
If a company’s vision is to help children with learning disabilities to learn
easier. This vision should be on everyone’s mind when creating or doing
daily business. From customer service to the researchers gathering
information for a new program.  They all have to be on the same page and
work together to uphold that vision.  If the mental models are all the same
throughout the company, then, the company and employees will work
together as a team.

A vision should excite the whole company.  Whether it is six employees or

6,000.  It has to be something that they can get behind and believe in. 
Having a sense of common ground can help grow a business in the right
direction.  A shared vision is a vision everyone can support.  That is the
glue to keep the company growing and going.
 

System Thinking
System thinking is the process of looking at a company as a whole. 
Looking at how each department affects another and how the employees in
each of those departments affect each other.  How a company works
together is an essential key to running a smooth and successful operation. 
Employees look at each other, not as rivals but, as team members.  All on
one team striving for the same goal.  If the company has a vision that the
employees can believe in, then that is a recipe for success. 
 
Each employee in each department will help the company strive to new
heights by understanding it is all about the teamwork.  Teamwork within the
department and teamwork within the company.  Teamwork is what makes
the dream work.  It doesn’t matter how big or how small the company. 
 
This concept will carry the company far.  Another critical factor in system
thinking is to improve the employee as an individual.  Help them grow,
expand, gain knowledge, and this attitude will spill over into the work-life
as well as personal life.  That makes for a happy employee which in turn
will be loyal and productive in the workplace.  Trust and understanding
from both employee and management create an open and honest
environment that will strengthen over the years.
 

Mental Models in Business

Mental models are thoughts.  A way of thinking and making sense of the
world.  A certain way you do things.  What was learned as a kid or beliefs
that have been developed over time.  In the business world, mental models
can determine how a company will stay in business or end up failing.  The
models have to change with the times.  They can’t stay the same because
the world is always changing, and the company has to change with the
times in order to stay in business.  Old mental models can only get the
company so far.
 
A past mental model for a company could be that they aren’t willing to
advertise on social media of any kind.  Business experts know that social
media is a perfect inexpensive way to reach new clients or customers.  So,
this mental model wouldn’t serve the company well and could cost them a
lot of business.  If the advertising department came together and created for
the social media platforms, the company would see the positive results that
social media would have for them.  They would have to be willing to
change the mental model in order to reap the benefits.
 
Mental models can change throughout a company’s life, but the vision
should be the same, just a different way to think about what the company
wants.  Even when a company decided to go in a new direction (this is a
mental model) they changed how they see the company and made an
adjustment. 
 
Mental models for the company should be expressed with all the employees
of that company.  This way, everyone is on the same path to reach the goal
of the company.  The best way a company can grow and expand in a new
positive habit is by shifting and adapting to new mental models.  A
company can succeed; it has to be willing to be flexible.  Understand
adopting new mental models and seeking new, more efficient ways of doing
business will only make it a better company that will last for years.
 
Growing and learning to expand as individuals, as well as a company only
spells success.  The world of business is always changing, and the company
has to be ready and willing to grow and change with it.  This is where new
mental model changes can happen.  Willing to change the way it operates to
accommodate change is a way to last for many years to come.
 
Here is an example of mental models in business.  If sales are down in a
company, the company will research why this is happening.  The data is in,
and the company sees the sales have been down the last two months. The
company decides to have a meeting with all the salespeople.  In a company
that practices organization systems, no “finger-pointing” or shaming will
commence.  The company will state the fact of what the reports are
showing. That would be that sales are down.  The company will then ask if
anyone has a suggestion or think of why the problem exists.  The
salespeople think, and one young lady informs the company that the way
they are contacting potential clients seems awkward and so unfriendly. 
 
The company asks for ideas to change the problem and find a solution that
everyone can benefit from.  One by one, the sales team suggests and comes
up with a new sales plan (mental model change) to contact more clients
without feeling so awkward.  The sales team comes up with a new mental
model, and they all feel good about the change.  The next month the sales
had doubled from previous months.  Problem solved, and everyone had a
say so in the change. By coming together, the sales team (team members
and management) solved the problem and constructed new ways of doing
business. New mental models.
 

Team Learning in Business

Team learning can be used just about anywhere in life when more than one
person is working on the same project.  But, for now, we will talk about it in
the business aspect.  Team learning is taking knowledge of personal mastery
and infusing it with a shared vision.  It is the connecting point of the two. 
This is what I mean.  When an employee can think of her co-workers as
team members and not view them as a rival.  Thinking of others as being on
the same team and having the same vision (company vision) creates a
teamwork environment that will build and grow a company instead of cause
frustration and conflict within the company.  This teamwork doesn’t just
happen in a company; the company creates it. 
 
The company structures the environment as a safe and open one without
judgment or punishment for mistakes. In turn, all the employees feel free to
express their concerns and ideas and creates a bond that will help everyone
succeed.  Having this team concept helps the employees take more healthy
risks because the team will succeed or fail together.  It is easier to do that in
a group than by oneself. Each employee will bring different strengths to the
group. 
 
Employees will work together and bring out the strengths of each other. 
Sara may be great at creating, and Bob could be great at organizing and
spreadsheets.  Bringing these two together will help boost confidence and
trust between them because they depend on each other and support each
other.
 
Teamwork will build trust in the employees and will build confidence in the
company. The employee will be loyal to the company if the company
believes in them, and respect and trust are instilled throughout the
company. 
 
When the market crashed, and business was way down, the company
provided work for the employees and paid them for a 40-hour workweek. 
In conclusion to this, they were not laying any one-off. This created trust
and loyalty to the company from the employees.  The employees felt as if
the company valued them and in turn, the employees will be more willing
to help the company in the future.
 

Personal Mastery
Personal Mastery is a system of training. You are training to be a better you.
Meaning you will expand your life skills by creating disciplines that will
help you change the mental models that are not serving you. If the mental
model you believe the claim, you are not smart enough to go back to school
and be a nurse like you have always wanted to be.  Having a family, a full-
time job, and going to school seems so overwhelming and impossible to
do. 
 
The mental model you have created for yourself believes you have to stay
where you are in the comfort zone.  New positive mental models tell you it
can happen.  You stayed disciplined in the new system you have created for
yourself.  So, you start to believe this new mental model.
 
Over the next few years, you earn your degree, and now you are working
full time in a doctor’s office and enjoying the benefits of doing what you
love, financial security, and spending more time with your family. 
Changing mental models can be scary at first but, keep moving forward,
and you will see it will bring you a better, more satisfying life.
 
Create disciplines that advance your knowledge and opens your mind to a
different, more positive perspective.  Meditation, journaling, listening to
positive podcasts, reading self-help books, and finding tips to improve your
life is part of personal mastery.  Mastering yourself, be in control of your
own joy and happiness.  Controlling what you can and letting go of what
you can’t control.  Find peace with your life; this is personal mastery.
 
Tammy wanted to find a way to easy her chattering mind through the day. 
She found an article that meditation every day for 15 minutes would help
control your monkey brain.  It will give you a sense of peace.  Desperate to
try anything, she found an app on her phone, and each day she would
meditate for 15 minutes in the morning. It was hard at first, and she felt like
giving up but, wanting to control her thoughts, she kept going (creating a
new mental model). 
 
Within, a few months, she found herself at ease and peace throughout the
day, and her mind seemed quieter.  At night she was able to sleep because
her mind wasn’t racing with monkey thoughts.  She created a new mental
model, and life became better.  Keep going it will change, give it time.
 
Peter Senge and his colleagues had a significant impact on the way
businesses are currently operated.  His own personal mastery helped
develop the tools needed for an open organization system.  This system
helps everyone grow and expand to be better people and a better company.
 
 
 
 Chapter 2: Creating Mental Models That
Will Enhance Your Daily Life
 
 
 
Mental models are created by the experiences we have with family, school,
and friends.  Everything in your life shapes your mental models. When you
were eight years old and was bitten by the neighbor’s big dog?  This mental
model was created that all big dogs were going to bite you or be
aggressive.  It is a false mental model, but your mind believes it.  So, it is
true for you. 
 
The mental model can be changed, as well.  You could start by visiting
friends with big dogs that are gentle giants.  Be in the same room and start
to pet and interact with them. Keep doing this until your brain makes new
mental model connections. Connections that support that not all big dogs
are aggressive and will bite you.  Once, you are comfortable with the idea
of being around big dogs, your anxiety will reduce, and you will feel at ease
around a bigger breed of dogs.  The new mental model you will have is that
not all big dogs are aggressive.
 
Negative thoughts come to us humans naturally and easily. Dating all the
way back to caveman days.  Our ancestors were always worrying about
being eaten. They were always on the lookout for predators.  They focused
on the worst things that could happen because well, at that time, the worst
usually did happen.  They were always in survival mental models.  It is in
our DNA to think the worst!  We find it easier to complain and stress and
worry instead of just being happy and content.  We can, but at times, we let
the negative take over.
 
A negative mental model would view this scenario like this. You are in a
fender bender, leaving the grocery store.  Not a big deal but, just an
inconvenience at the time. Two days later you drop your new phone and the
screen cracks on it.  Today you forgot your lunch on the counter this
morning and had to walk to the cafeteria to have lunch. A negative attitude
would complain and ask why are these terrible experiences are happing to
me? They would dwell on the negative and negative things will continue to
happen as long as the negative mental models are still in place.
 
On a positive attitude, the person would think well; the accident could have
been a lot worse. I could have been without a car for several weeks.  The
phone screen could have been cracked so bad I couldn’t have used it, but it
wasn’t. Walking to the cafeteria will help me get my steps in for the day. 
Can you see the difference between the two?  Having a positive mental
model will create a more satisfying and grateful life. WHY? You will be
thankful for the situation that it wasn’t worse.  You will feel happy and joy
more during the day and the rest of your life.
 
The key to creating new mental models are recognizing the old ones that are
not serving you.  The ones that restrict you from getting out of your comfort
zone or not letting you be the best version of yourself.  Once, these mental
models have been brought to your attention; you can start to change them
and create mental models that will enhance your life.  Getting exercise in
for 20 to 30 minutes a day will increase your health.  This will also help
with information processing, release stress, and help create new mental
model connections.
 
If you are faced with a problem and it is troubling you, consider going for a
walk or run.  Exercising could give you the answer you are looking for. 
You and your best friend have had a huge argument, and you have been
feeling stressed all day about it and not sure what to do. 
 
You CHOOSE to take a run and start to think of the conversation, and while
you are running, you begin to make new mental model connections.  You
begin to look at the argument differently and can see her side of the
dilemma.  After the run, you feel better.  Your mind is clear, and your body
feels relief because you have just released all the stress that you have had
all day. 
 
The choice to make new, better mental models is up to us.  We can keep
living the way we are, not do anything differently and inside feel miserable
and unfulfilled or choose to be happy and joyful.  The choice is always up
to you.  We can choose to be happy or sad.  So, choose wisely. 
 
The comfort zone is where safety and security are felt even if we are
miserable and unhappy with our life. The world around us is always
changing, and we have to change with it.  Staying in the comfort zone will
not continue to serve you.  You want to lose forty pounds, but you are
scared to go to the gym because you think others will criticize you.
 
So, you let the feeling of insecurity and rejection keep you from getting
healthy and feeling better.  This is how a comfort zone can keep you from
being a better version of yourself.  The flip side of that is, or creating new
mental models, is if you did decide to go to the gym 3 days a week and take
advantage of the personal trainer the gym offers you will shed the forty
pounds (if not more) and feel strong, confident and more positive and
willing to try new things and make new mental model connections.  You
will start to expand your learning and self-care along with wanting to help
others in ways that feel good to you. 
 
All this newfound beautiful life by stepping out of the comfort zone and
creating new mental models.  In order for humans to be the best version of
themselves, they have to keep moving out of the comfort zone.  New mental
models also, means new comfort zones.  Recognizing the comfort zones
will keep you moving forward and experiencing all that life has to offer
you.  Keep moving; you will keep improving yourself when you do.  Most
of the time, we are simply scared to move out of that comfort zone.  We fear
failure, rejection, or being singled out.
 
We all want to “fit in” we are a gathering species.  It’s what we do. We like
the connection to our tribe, and sometimes we go against what our inner
mental models tell us and do what we feel we have to do to stay in the
tribe.  What isn’t realized is when you follow your true mental models that
serve you well?  You will find your TRUE tribe, and it will be amazing!  Be
willing to create new mental models and be open to new people that may
turn out to be your new tribe that will accept your uniqueness because they
will have similar mental models that align with yours.  Be brave to discover
new mental model connections.
 
A positive mental model can benefit you in so many ways.  Changing them
at times can be challenging, and other times it will be simple.  It will take
time to create these new mental models that will serve your life.  So, don’t
give up if you don’t see results with some of them right away.  Meditation
will seem hard for some because we are not always able to sit quietly and to
listen to our inner guide.  The world around us is always busy.  Lots of
noise and going places are happening.  Sitting still is uncomfortable and
hard for some of us. 
 
The more we do it and do it daily, the easier it will get.  It may take months
to feel the benefits, but they will come just keep working at it.  Other
changes will come easily, like brushing your teeth with your non-dominant
hand.  Sounds silly but, it makes your brain think differently.  Creating new
mental models, maybe this will give you an idea you haven’t considered
before by brushing your teeth with the dominant hand.  Simple changes in
mental models can bring HUGE inspiration.  A new perspective on how to
see the world and how you function in the world.
 
How a Positive Outlook Can Change Your
Situation
Think of all the positive people in your life.  No matter if the situation is
good or bad, they always have a positive attitude even on horrible days. 
The mind is a powerful tool. Mental models can make life harder or easier.
The choice is yours.  Taking responsibility for your actions and your
choices in your life and admitting when you are wrong are huge steps to a
more fulfilling life.  Changing mental models and consistency can help you
create a habit that will be rewarding throughout your life.
 
Start to understand yourself.  You recognize negative mental models and
start to look at where they started and why they started.  Ask yourself if that
mental model is serving you now.  If not, change that mental model.  It will
take time, but, the next time this issue comes up, you will know what to do. 
The beautiful thing is you can change them.  You can make new
connections and love yourself more.
 
When friends argue, you always step in and try to help calm everyone
down.  You have always done it as long as you can remember but, doing
this always brings you in the middle of the drama when the drama really
isn’t yours.  You feel stressed, anxious, and sad long after it is over.  You
start to look at this more closely and realize you did this when your parents
fought when you were a child. 
 
A mental model you formed to calm everyone down at the expense of
yourself.  It wasn’t your place to calm everyone down, and it still isn’t. 
Letting people figure out their own arguments is what you need to let
happen.  You don’t have to keep peace with everyone anymore.  This
mental model does not serve you anymore. Change it.
 
Being overweight is hard but, so is getting healthy.  What hard do you want
to deal with more overweight hard or getting healthy hard?
 

Personal Mental Model Shifts to Be More

Sufficient
Discover what mental models are working for you.  Use those more.  A
great way to start your mental model change is to exercise.  Not only will it
help your body but, it will also improve your mind.  When our bodies are in
motion, we are releasing stress from our brain and our body.  Our mood is
better.  We can begin to think clearly.  Exercise does so much for the mind
and body.  Eating healthy foods can also boost brainpower.  Our body needs
fuel to function properly right along with our brain.  Not just food like fast
food, or junk food but, real food like veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean
meats.  If we eat more of the good stuff and limit the not so good stuff, we
will feel and function so much better.
 
How we think about ourselves and how we talk to ourselves on a daily is
very important. When talking to yourself, stop, and think about how nice or
mean you are talking.  Think about it as if you were talking to your best
friend.  Some of the things we say to ourselves we would never say to a
friend. We are our worst critics.  Talking about ourselves is just as
important.  What we say to others is really what we think of ourselves.
 
Julie tells her co-workers the story of how she locked herself out of her
apartment building a proceeded to say how stupid she was. Was she foolish,
or did she just make a mistake?  Give yourself a break; you are human. 
Think of yourself as your best friend and act accordingly.
 

Setting Goals and Achieving What You

Want
It is essential to set goals.  Goals help you keep going in the right direction.
They actually give you direction.  Tammy decided she wants to go to school
and be a 4th-grade school teacher.  She sets down and decides what needs to
be done to achieve that goal.  Then she takes little steps daily that will get
her to this goal.  She needs to get good grades in high school to get into the
college she wants.  Each small goal will get her to the bigger ultimate goal.
 
Set goals and then set small goals. Small goals, you know you will achieve. 
This will give you small victories through the journey of the big one to keep
you going.
Sandy wants to lose 60 pounds in 6 months.  This means she has to lose 2.5
pounds each week.  She then puts in place a plan to eat right and exercise. 
The goals will not work unless you act upon the goal.  Create a plan to put
in place so that you will reach that goal.  Each day needs to work towards
that primary goal: big steps or little steps. 
 
When Sandy reached a 30-pound weight loss, she celebrated by buying
herself a new outfit to workout in.  She had a manicure when she lost 40,
and once the 60-pound weight loss goal was accomplished, she took herself
to the beach for a week.  Setting goals keeps you on track of the big
picture.  You may have to adjust what you are doing or how you do it from
time to time but, staying consistent with the big goal is the main focus. 
Again, where your focus goes, your energy will flow -Tony Robbins.
 
Why is goal setting so important?  It gives long term vision.  If you have a
goal, you will automatically create a plan to get yourself to that goal.  It will
teach you to stay organized and focused on what is important to you.  Short
term goals will help you stay focused, as well.  They will be reached faster
than in the long term.  They will also help keep you motivated to succeed. 
Goals are a plan to get what you want out of life. 
Ways to stick with it.  Write your goals on post-it notes and plaster them
everywhere, in the car, fridge, work, home office, bathroom mirror.
Be grateful for all that you have accomplished so far.  Celebrate reaching
your short-term goals when met.  Keep a positive mental model of your
goal.  Think that you have completed your goal.  Think about how you feel,
what you will be wearing, and every detail you can think of.  Hold that
vision as long as you can each day.
 
Sara wants to be a famous country singer. She works hard and writes her
own music and sings anywhere she can.  Sara sees herself on stage with
thousands of people watching her and singing her songs.  Years go by, and
finally, she gets a break to sing on stage for thousands of people.  She’s not
nervous because for years she has envisioned this dream to be on stage. 
Now she just gets to enjoy the moment.
 
Set long term goals that may take years to achieve and set short term goals
to help you stay motivated along the way.  Create a plan and change the
mental models that need to be changed in order to reach that goal.  Keep
going.
 

Tips to Change Your Mental Models to

More Positive Thoughts
 
Be Grateful
I cannot stress this enough.  If you are thinking about what you have and
how far you have come in life how on earth can you be sad or feeling
down?  Now, pick something or someone you are grateful for and think
about them or it daily.  When you are feeling depressed or anxious about
how far you still have to go in life, just stop, take a deep breath, and
remember the thing or person that makes you happy. 
 
Another great way to stay grateful is a gratitude journal.  I am sure you can
find the cute expensive ones on-line but, you can just take a journal or spiral
notebook and write ten items you are grateful for each day.  Some days you
may only be thankful for a hot shower and your hot cup of coffee that
morning. But, that’s ok you will have that some days.  Think about
gratitude daily.
 

Create a Mantra
This one is helpful for focusing back on the positive mental models you
have set in place.  A mantra is somewhat of a prayer.  It is a statement you
tell yourself over and over when you feel overwhelmed or stress or just
need a reminder that life will be ok. If you are struggling with money and
all you think about is not having enough money to pay rent, then not having
money will continue to flow your way.  Remember where focus goes,
energy flows. 
 
Creating a mantra for not having enough money could be something like
this. “I have abundance in all areas of my life.” “Money flows easily and
continuously to me.”  At first, you may not believe it but, keep saying it and
start to believe it.  Create the feeling of having money and what you would
spend it on and how you would save it.  Hold this feeling you have when
you think about it.  Focus on how you feel knowing you have money in the
bank.  This is how a mantra will help you develop a positive mental model.
 

Prove Yourself Wrong

The mind can lie to us.  Tell us we can’t possibly receive that promotion.  I
can’t run a mini-marathon. You will never be able to find your soul mate. 
When these thoughts come to mind, and you know they are a lie but, you
still believe them. Think about what you are thinking.  Is it really true you
can’t run a mini-marathon?  You may have already run several 5k races and
maybe a ten miler.  I think you can put in the training and run a mini-
marathon.  So, prove your mental model wrong.  Set a goal and run a mini-
marathon and create a new mental model that says you can run a mini-
marathon because you did it. 
 
Your energy will flow where your focus goes.  Meaning if you think about
the positive in your life, you will create more positive mental models and
opportunities.  Thinking that you can instead of you can’t move you
forward to the goal you have set for yourself.  Knowing you can and will
have or do something is a powerful tool to get what you want.  Keep your
focus positive in all areas of your life.
 

Get out of the Comfort Zone

Like I have said before this is a killer of dreams and motivation.  When in
the comfort zone, you choose to stay and not grow into the person you were
meant to be.  We all were meant for greatness in order to find that greatness
we have to move outside of the comfort zone we have grown accustomed
too.  Do uncomfortable things and make us improve.  Lisa wanted to run for
class president but, she was so scared of failing, or no one voting for her she
didn’t run.  The flip side of this would be she did run (getting out of her
comfort zone) and won class president, and this started a successful career
in politics.  The most amazing things are on the other side of our comfort
zone.
 

New Perspective
Taking a look at a situation from different angels could help in changing a
mental model.  Having a different look at a situation.  Look at a positive
way to think about it. See it from another person’s view. View it as a
positive instead of a negative.
 
Leah hates working overtime but, instead of complaining about it and being
mad, she decided to look at it differently.  She started to think about how
much money she will earn working overtime.  She decided that half of the
money would go into saving which would put her over the goal she had set
for herself for the month and the other half she would spend it on new
clothes she needs for her trip next month. 
 
In doing this, the time went by faster, and she was happy because her
savings account was higher, and she would get to go shopping this
weekend.  Take a negative situation and create a positive out of it. 
Everything has a silver lining. Create mental models that support a positive
outlook.
 

Improve the Moment

Becky was getting stressed at work.  She had to finish this project before
Friday.  She was behind schedule and was overwhelmed with negative
thoughts.  After realizing she was overwhelmed and stressed, she stopped
what she was doing, walked outside and took a deep breath.  She sat in the
sunlight and just thought about all she was grateful for.  Thinking of her
kids and how wonderful her life has been.  Taking a moment and think
about all the amazing people and things in your life will help you redirect
your attention. Listen to music, dance, sing, do jumping jacks could also
help you redirect.  It will take your mind off of what is going on at the time
and redirect your focus.  After 15 minutes or so, Becky was ready to head
back to work and get the project done.  Less stressed and less overwhelmed
than before.
 
There are thousands of ways to improve your mental models.  Pick ones
that will work for you.  Listen to positive podcasts, meditate, journal,
exercise.  Do what feels good to you. Hobbies are a great way to redirect
your mental models.  The concentration that it takes on something you love
creates a calmness in the brain.  Create a plan to improve your mental
models in a more positive way and watch your life change for the better.
 

Positive Thoughts
Be grateful and thank the Universe for the life you HAVE now.  Desire
more; it’s your birthright to have all that you want. It’s not selfish, and you
aren’t getting more than anyone else.  The door is open for all of us to have
all that we want, but we have to be willing to create the mental models and
put in the work that it takes to get those things.  Want to change your life
financially, spiritually, and mentally? 
 
Create new mental models that serve you, not hinder you.  Make new
positive mental models that will change your life for the better.  The
comfort zone will always hinder you.  Live big.  Remember what Tony
Robbins always says, “Where focus flows energy will go.”  Meaning what
you put your focus on you will get more of. You keep telling yourself and
others that you are broke and don’t have a pot to piss in.  Yep, that’s what
will stick around you and consume your life. 
 
Turn it around and say and BELIEVE that your life is full of abundance in
every way and notice when situations are going well and thank your
Universe, God, Buddha.  Gratitude is the number one thing that will put a
positive spin on everything.  How could you not be grateful when you are
thinking about all that you hold dear in your heart?  Your loved ones, kids,
spouse, friends, the close parking space you got at the store.  Every good
thing is grateful. 
 
The negative things are grateful.  They are teaching you a lesson and help
you create a better life. Keep positive mental models. Yes, you will have
bad days, and that is human but, don’t stay that way keep moving forward
to be better.  Create mental models on a morning routine that will help you
set the tone for the day.  Meditate, read, journal, exercise.  Make time for
yourself.  I will repeat that.  You have to MAKE time for yourself, or you
will not take care of yourself.  You will be busy taking care of everyone
else. 
 
Think of it this way.  You can’t pour water out of an empty cup, right?  Fill
your cup first so; you can fill everyone else’s.  You are not selfish for this. 
You are a better person, parent, friend, etc.  Your cup is full; you can pour
your love into others without feeling resentment.  Filling your cup looks
like a joy to you, whatever that means for you. 
 
Taking a walk in nature, crafts, writing, being with loved ones, being by
yourself.  The thing that makes you happy do more of it.  Be grateful for all
that you have in your life.  Once you start to have a new perspective on life,
you will see your life begin to transform.  It is just that easy.  Easy to
acknowledge sometimes hard to put in the work.  Keep trying and keep
changing life will become totally different.
 
 Chapter 3: How Having A Team Mental
Model Can Grow A Company
 
 
 
When a team or co-workers work together, it creates a spirit like no other. 
Everyone on the team feels heard, respected, and essential to the outcome
of the project.  Employees feel they can trust and depend on other co-
workers to help them create and grow.  A team learns the strengths and
weaknesses of each team member.  They support each other in all areas,
strong or weak.  An understanding and knowing that each member is
supported by the others will grow a company to great success.  When
people or employees feel they are a part of something greater, they are
willing to do more or “go the extra mile.” 
 
A company has to create a vision that the employees can believe in and
want to help bring that vision to reality.  Janet and Joel have a farm in
which they raise grass-feed, no hormone beef cows.  It is crucial for them to
have the healthiest cows to pass along the healthiest beef to their
customers.  They are growing and needing to hire more employees. 
Finding others that share your same mental models about the company will
help the company grow and will be easier to manage when the employees
know what is expected of them and where the vision of the company is
going.  If the employees don’t believe in the vision, then, problems will
occur. 
 
Problems will happen, but it will be solved together if the team is wanting
the same vision.  A vision gives the company direction and purpose.  If the
company vision is clear and sticks to the vision, then the company can
survive for years to come.  A company vision is a permanent goal that
employees are striving for continuously.
 
Once the employees understand where the company wants to go, it is easier
to work together towards that vision.
 
Janet and Joel want to keep their company growing but still, maintain the
quality they always have had in the beef raising process.  The employees
will work alongside the owners to ensure that vision is upheld.  They
believe in the vision as much as the company or owners do.
 
Peter Senge is a pioneer in the way businesses are run today.  He has
created along with his colleagues a system called the learning organization
system.  This system creates teamwork and unity throughout a company. 
He had written a book on this system in 1990. The name of the book is
“The Fifth Discipline.” There are five pillars in the system to help a
company succeed and be more productive.  It will create unity within the
company, and a closeness employee will cherish it.
 
The learning organization system is a system that lets the company as a
whole grow along with the individuals.  Learning and expanding enables a
company to adapt to business needs and changes. The learning organization
structure will keep the company ahead of the competition by providing new
ideas and ways to do business. This will promote growth in the company. 
Employees learn, and so do the management team.  It is a way to have
everyone learning new fresh ideas to move the company forward.  Learning
can be exciting, and it will keep the employees on a more positive note as
they use the new ideas they have learned and applying it to everyday work.
 

Build Sharing Vision

Build a sharing vision is the first of the five pillars.  Build a shared vision
can create excitement and togetherness throughout the company.  The
employees believe in the vision because they helped create the vision. 
When a learning organization system has established the company as a
whole will be included, and everyone will get to share their ideas on the
vision of the company.  When all the employees of the company are all on
the same page and very excited and can get behind the vision
wholeheartedly then the employees will give more and do more because
they feel as if they have a purpose and the vision is important to them just,
as it is to the company.  It creates an atmosphere of understanding and
promotes kindness. 
 
The shared vision is just what it says shared.  Having that team player
mental model will help everyone reach the same goal. It won’t happen
overnight, and it will take dedication from the management team and the
employees but, a strong, understanding leader can help others feel the team
spirit.  The learning organization system will show employees that if a
mistake is made, they will not be punished, but a conversation can occur to
see what happened.  The environment of this system will not have
competition because everyone is helping one another. 
 
Blaming others and ignoring the problem can corrupt everything a company
is trying to accomplish.  So, having an open, honest relationship with the
employees will keep “peace” within the company.  Let the employees know
what the company is doing and why.  Do not expect these changes to
happen overnight. This is a process that the company will have to give it
time to really take effect and change the inner workings of the company.  If
the company has a dedicated management team that cares about the
employees and cleans up the office politics and helps the employees
become better then, the company is on its way to becoming a learning
organization business.  The changes will create growth and expansion
within the company.
 
Elizabeth attended a seminar about accounts receivables her company had
sent her too.  She had learned of a new software system that she thought
would benefit her company.  She was excited to discuss this new idea with
co-workers and management.  After everyone gave their input and concerns
with the new system, they all agreed to give it a try.  Elizabeth and her co-
worker Tabetha would learn the system first and then teach everyone else. 
 
By letting Elizabeth attend the seminar and then listening to what she
thought about the idea and everyone discussing it.    The feeling that she
mattered and everyone involved felt heard that made all the difference. 
This is why the learning organization system works so well. Everyone is
treated equally, and everyone is heard.
 

System Thinking
System thinking is the second pillar.  System thinking is the process of
looking at a company as a whole and then looking at individual departments
within the company to see how they affect each other. Each employee in
each department will help the company strive to new heights by
understanding its teamwork.  Teamwork within the department and
teamwork within the company.  If working together, no matter how big or
small the problem, if the employees work together, they will find the
answers together. 
 
When looking into system thinking, the best way to describe it is to look at
an ecosystem.  All the elements involved work together to survive together. 
The air, water, plants, animals, land everything.  They all have a job, and in
doing that job, they all survive together and become a “bigger picture.” 
One does not work without the others, and if the balance of any has been
compromised the system as a whole will suffer.
If the water becomes polluted, the fish will become ill, and the animals that
eat the fish will become sick as well. The balance of the system has been
interrupted. 
 
The company as a whole depends on the individual employees that work for
that company.  If one department is failing, then the company is failing
because that department needs help.  Once the department gets the support,
it needs then; all will be smooth again.  Depending on each other in a
company is what will help the company succeed.  Understanding and
compassion and continuous learning as employees and as a company will
help the company grow.
 
 
In system thinking, the company also has to look to the past in order to see
patterns or mistakes so they won’t make them again.  The company is
always looking to improve, but, they also, have to be aware of their actions
now that will negatively affect the company in the future.  Google grew and
was using massive amounts of energy.  They started looking into renewable
energy.  Now, they are the world’s largest renewable energy investor. 
Google was looking to the future, and they improved themselves and
improved the planet.  They were looking at the “big picture” and took
advantage of it.  Not, in a wrong way but, in a way that would help their
vision and help the planet at the same time.  Small pieces that fit together to
make the big picture.  This is how system thinking works.
 

Mental Models
Mental models are a massive part of the success or failure of a company. 
The mental models are the way the company as a whole, thinks. They are
also how employees think.  The company’s vision is a mental model.  It is
how the company sees itself in the world.  The employees also know the
vision of the company and how they fit into the vision.  How can they
create value for that vision?  The vision of a company stays, the same, but,
the mental models can change and still honor the vision.
 
The company is clear on the vision. To feed school kids in their school
district healthy, satisfying meals for lunch.  Different mental models will
have different ways of doing this.  Using the ideas of the employees to
solve the problem of how they will make this happen.  This will create
teamwork and will help the team trust and respect each other because
everyone is being heard. 
 
Mental models are the way we look at the world.  We all look at the same
problem differently because we all have different backgrounds.  We all have
different childhoods, experiences, beliefs, ideas.  The list goes on and on. 
With different mental models, it can create one solution to solve the
problem at hand. 
 
Mental models for business can change, and the company has to be willing
to be flexible and adapt to the changes that need to be made to move
forward and become a company that will last.  Growing and learning will
improve mental models.  Learning new ways to think will create new
connections and new mental models that will serve the individual and the
company.  The company has to be willing to make mental model changes
often to keep up with the changing world of business.
 
Sales are down in a company.  The company looks at the data and decides
to have a meeting with the sales team.  The company is not judging or
criticizing the sales team; they are just interested in why the sales are
down.  The employees express how the current sales pitch isn’t working the
same as it once has. 
 
Lisa, one of the salespeople, invites the idea of changing the way they are
doing it.  After, much discussion, the sales team, and the company come
together and starts to create a new plan on how to approach new customers. 
With all the sales teams working together they come up with a great ideal
that works both for the sales team and the company.  The next month sales
are doubled.  The sales team shifted mental models and created a new one
that felt good to use.
 

Team Learning
Team learning is the concept of coming together and solving a problem
together.  Through discussion, brainstorming, and collaboration, team
learning will show your employees how to work out problems together, as a
group.
 
Team learning can foster creativity and learning.  When people are put
together to reach a common goal, creativity cannot help but, show up.  The
ideas of everyone coming together will spark excitement and create a
different perspective on the situation at hand.  The viewpoints of each
person will be different, and this will help create a solution that will work
for everyone.  The unique perspective from each individual in the group
will bring new light to the problem.  When working with a team, the team
has each other to bounce ideas off of.  Even if the idea isn’t a great one, it
still may spark a better one from someone else.  It gives shy employees a
chance to be heard and will provide them with the confidence to speak up. 
 
It also creates enthusiasm within the group because ideas are being shared,
and discoveries are being made.  Learning is vital, but learning in a group
promotes teamwork, creativity, and builds trust among employees. 
 
Mr. Short teaches 4th-grade math.  He divided the students up into four
groups.  Gave each group a different problem to solve.  The groups of kids
or teams had to work together to figure out the answer, and they couldn’t
cheat by asking another group the answer.  The students had to rely on each
other to figure out the solution.  By putting their knowledge and
understanding of the problem together, they could come up with the correct
answer.  They would have to work together in order to create the right
solution.  One common goal but different ideas on how to get the answer. 
 
 

Personal Mastery
Personal mastery is the practice of improving oneself.  In order for a person
to understand oneself, they have to be willing to explore and look within to
find the true self.  Not the self, everyone else wants them to be but, who
they really are deep down inside.  Personal development is a perfect way to
start to understand the mental models you have about yourself.  How some
mental models are not serving you and knowing you can change them? 
Personal development doesn’t mean you are broken and need to be fixed.
Personal development is a tool to help you understand yourself better. 
 
A way to improve yourself in order to get the life you want.  Personal
development can be mediation, books, podcasts, classes, yoga, anything
that will enhance your life in a fulfilling way.  Creating the life, you want
takes time and lessons have to be learned.  Focus and intent will help you
through.  Personal mastery means different things to different people, and
there are many ways to reach this level.  Take responsibility for your
victories and failures.  You make the choices, and you have to deal with the
consequences of those choices.
 
Changing the beliefs and mental models you have of yourself and learning
to construct ones that will serve you better is a big step in becoming the
person you want to be.  Not everyone will like the changes you will be
making to get to the goals you have set for yourself.  Learning to deal with
others and still be true to yourself is a challenge at times.  But, understand
the changes in yourself will make you proud.  You will continue to learn to
“up your game” to continue to be the person you have always wanted to be. 
Personal mastery is the ability to be comfortable with who you are.  Where
you are in your life and still strive to be better and love yourself more.
 
Selfcare plays a big part in personal mastery.  You have to take care of
yourself FIRST.  I repeat taking care of yourself FIRST will help you take
care of others.
 
Carrie is a stay at home mom of 3. Ages six, three, and a year old.  She
takes care of the children all day.  Doing for them all that needs to be done.
Feeding, cuddling, changing diapers, wiping runny noses, and the list goes
on and on. 
 
By the end of the day, she is spent.  She is so tired and easily irritated, that
she breaks down and starts to cry because the six-year-old wouldn’t stop
asking her questions about why dogs poop.  This mother is not taking care
of herself.
 
Selfcare is non-existing.  How could she handle the situation differently? 
By taking time for herself.  While the kids are napping, she could be
reading a book, meditating, taking a nap with them, listening to a podcast
while she cleans the house.  Anything that will improve herself and fill her
cup.  There is an old saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”  Meaning
if you don’t have anything left to give, you will not be able to give to
others.  Doing things that bring you joy and happiness and make you feel at
peace. Those are the things you need to do more of and more often. 
Remember it is your life, live it the way YOU want to live it.  You will be
happy if you do.
 

Creating a Vision for the Company That

Everyone Will Get Behind
When creating a vision personal or business, the vision has to touch your
soul.  It has to mean so much to you that you are willing to do the work
necessary to see it come to life.  In business, the vision has to be one to
better the world.  That’s why businesses exist right?  To provide service or
product to make life easier and better.  Yes, some businesses are not going
about it in the correct moral way.  Most businesses want to make the world
a better place. 
 
In creating a vision, it should be something employees can believe in and
WANT to bring the vision to reality with the company.  A vision for a
company should convey where a company wants to be and how they want
to help their customers be there with them in a better place.  Understanding
where the customer wants to be and explaining how the company can get
them there makes the customer “feel” like they are a part of something
bigger or apart of the family.  In creating a vision for the company, the
customer should be the number one reason.
 
When employees believe they can move mountains with a company’s
vision, they are more willing to work towards making that vision come true
day in and day out.  If the company vision is to create shoes that will make
your feet feel happy and also, help starving children in Africa with every
pair sold. That is a powerful vision that people want to be a part of.  They
will be committed themselves along with the company to provide all that
they are stating.  The power of a company vision is fantastic.
 
If the company allows the employees to have an input with the company
vision, they will feel a part of the “big picture.”  They feel they have a voice
and that the company cares about what the employees have to say and the
ideas they have.  They feel heard and feel important.  That is all that
humans want.  They want a voice, and they want to feel they matter.  Create
a vision with the employees, and the company will have a trust that will
help them grow and expand into greater things.  As long as the vision stays
true to the company and the employees are involved in some way. The
company is more likely to have success and last for years to come.
 
A small company asked employees to submit an idea for the company
vision. When all the ideas were collected, the company held a meeting and
read the opinions and let the employees pick their favorite one, and the
vision was born. The employees felt pride and a feeling of family because
they were involved.  Bring the team/employees together, and creativity will
flow freely.
 

Creating Space for Employees to Grow Will

Improve Business
We all want to improve ourselves in some way or another.  We have a deep-
rooted desire to be fulfilled.  We need connection and love with other
humans. At some point in life, we discover something is missing, or we
have a longing for more or different.  We get a glimpse of what our life
might be like.  We hear instructions to do things that are totally out of the
norm for us.  If we listen, we will discover that whisper is just what we
need.  Our soul aches to be heard. Some may think of this as silly and a
total crock.  Others believe and understand the importance of taking care of
yourself and listening to that voice.
 
You own a profitable coffee shop.  You have considered hiring someone for
marketing and social media accounts.  One day you are sitting in the back
working on paperwork.  A voice tells you to go out front to help serve
tables.  So, you listen to the voice and go out front to help with the
afternoon crowd. 
 
The first table you come to is two women, the first woman is discussing
marketing and social media accounts and telling the other one how she
could free up her time by letting her run them for her.  She was just what
you need.  You ask for her card and make plans to discuss your own needs. 
The Universe, God, Buddha, was helping you get what you needed.
 
How is all of this important to business?  If the employees are happy, they
are more productive.  This sounds shallow and selfish for the company to
state, but, it’s true.  If a company can offer tools to improve the employee’s
life both personally and professionally, that company cares about its
employees.  Having information available and continuous open
communication about what the employees want, and need will help the
employees balance life.  
 
The company can offer yoga classes or give a discount to the local gym. 
Offer discounts on meditation retreats.  Have classes to promote self-care
and encourage spirituality by inviting inspirational speakers to speak and
motivate healthy, positive mental models.  Helping the employees learn to
take care of themselves as a whole will help them deal with the pressures
and demands at work and in personal life.  The more a person takes care of
themselves, the more balanced in life they are.  Again, happy employees are
productive employees.
 
Understand I am not saying this will be rainbows and unicorns all the time. 
It takes time for a person to discover they want something more for their
life.  Not all employees will be willing to change quickly.  It may take a
while, but having the tools they need to improve will make the transition
easier.
 
Rita knew she wanted more for her life but wasn’t sure what to do or where
to start.  At work, she had seen the company was offering free tickets to a
motivational speaker.  Rita thought this would be a great place to start. 
After attending the seminar, she heard a little voice telling her to go back to
school.  Rita had always wanted to be a nurse.  Now, she is a nurse at the
company that gave her the tickets, to see the speaker, that changed her life. 
Be that company. The company that offers tools for the employees to better
themselves and help balance their lives.  This balance of life will also
include work life.  A happy employee is a productive employee.
 

Becoming a Better Leader and What It Will Take

To succeed in any business, the company needs strong leadership.  This
leadership has the ability to create a workspace that will help the employees
as well, as the company.  There are certain factors that go into a good
leader.  The leaders of a company have a clear vision of the company in
order to relay that to the employees.  The mental models and attitude that a
leader has will trickle down to the employees that work under them. 
 
If the leader is positive and enthusiastic about what needs to be done daily,
even if it isn’t her favorite thing to do, the employees will learn this attitude
and mental model from him.  He leads by example.  When the employees
see Hendrix following the rules and implementing what the company has
put into place, they are more apt to follow.  The leaders shouldn’t be held to
a different standard as the employee. If a mistake is made, they should be
held accountable for the error just as the employees are.
 
Communication is one of the critical tools a leader can have.  This way, the
employees know what he expects out of them, and he knows what the
employees expect of him.  Open communication will bring trust into the
company byways of letting everyone be heard.  The company will feel more
as a team if everyone is able to voice ideas and concerns without being
punished or disregarded.  Even if the idea wasn’t implemented, the
employee still felt heard. 
 
When conflict or difficult conversations come up, the leader has to be able
to convey what needs to transpire.  Communication isn’t only for resolving
disagreements or conflicts; it is also, great for relaying ideas and how we
can problem-solve together.  If employees and management are talking and
understanding what is expected of each of them, then, the company as a
whole will be stronger.  Everyone is understanding clearly what is
expected.  Using simple manners will go a long way, as well.  Please and
thank you hold respect for the individuals.  Showing appreciation lets a
person know they make a difference.  That will go a long way in a
company.
 
The leader should have compassion and empathy for the employees and
understand what they are going through and how they feel.  The leader
should know his people.  Know them on a personal level.  If Jamie’s mother
has breast cancer, then, the leader should know this and consider asking
how her mother is doing and how Jamie is doing.  If Walter is going
through a divorce and his work is suffering, a leader would ask what is
going on instead of just assuming Walter is lazy and slacking. 
 
People want to know others' care, and a great leader will relay that to their
people. For a leader to have emotional intelligence skills will help the
leader resolve conflict and promote team mental models.  Understand how
the employees feel, and the concerns they have will help the leader be better
equipped to resolve conflict and disagreements.  Choosing their words will
also help a leader dissolve a disagreement.  The leader should have
compassion and empathy for the employees.  Understanding the employees
will give you an advantage on how to deal with problems that arise. 
 
A good leader with team-building skills will promote the idea that
everyone’s opinion count and the views and concerns will be heard.  Not
everyone’s plan may be used, but everyone voiced their idea.  Keeping
employees or team motivated is essential. Daily routines can take a toll on
the team to stay motivated.  This is where a leader can encourage and create
challenges to improve motivation.  Tish noticed that her employees were
losing motivation as the month went on. A lot of projects needed to be
finished and the company was under a lot of pressure to complete several
big ones.  Tish noticed this lack of motivation and gathered everyone
together and took them outside for a break in the sun. They threw a football,
and others just sat and enjoyed the sun. Once back inside the team seemed
to be more focused and back on track. 
 
The leader needs to notice how the team is functioning and what the needs
of the team are.  Being clear on their needs will help operations move more
smoothly, and the employees will be willing to be loyal to the company. 
The company takes care of the employees; the employees will take care of
the company.  This will also create trust between management and
employees. It will be earned over time, but it will be created. 
 
Employees will trust a company more when the company does what they
say they will.  If a company announces a 500 dollar bonus at the end of the
month because sales are up and then, when the end of the month comes,
they don’t follow through with that promise.  Not only will the employees
be mad, but the employees also will not trust what a company says, and that
will start the dismantling of that company.  The company has to do what
they say they will do.  They ask that of the employees, the company should
be responsible for doing that as well.
 
The leader of a company will also understand the importance of team-
building skills in different situations.  Of course, conflict and disagreements
but, just keeping the team or company in alignment with the vision of the
company.  Help the employees stay on task and focus on the crucial issues. 
A well-rounded leader will have all of the skills.  They may be stronger in
one area more than others but, having the knowledge and ability to want to
help make a company and employees better is a sign of success for a
company.  The leader should be able to empathize and have the emotional
intelligence to resolve and improve the situations that come up. 
 
Leading by example will also, instill that rules also, apply to leaders as well
as employees.  A leader that shows they care about their team will know
each person on a personal level.  If the performance of an employee
changes for the worse or even better, a good leader will notice this and ask
questions to find out why performance is suffering or give them
encouragement for a job well done.  The leader has to be willing to support
the employees the best way he knows how.  Keeping lines of
communications open and both knowing what is expected of them will help
build the trust a company needs to grow and expand. 
 
A leader needs to be fair and honest. Helping resolve problems among
employees by teaching them how to do it themselves. Assisting with the
problem, not resolving it for them.  Teaching them this will encourage
team-building skills and open communication between employees.
 

Positive Thoughts
Let the employees know you care.  The leader has to show that they care on
a personal level.  The leader understands what is going on in the private
lives of their employees.  Personal life affects work life. They are helping
employees be a team player and build skills that will help them throughout
their work-life careers.  Know when the team needs a break, or a little
encouragement will help keep the team motivated and not be burned out on
the daily routine.
 
The company has to understand that their employees are people, not robots.
Take care of the employees, and they will take care of the company. 
Understand the needs and let the employees express their ideas and
concerns.  Let them be heard even if their ideas aren’t used.  The simple act
of acknowledging them will keep them loyal and happy.  The company has
to be true and clear on the vision they have.  When the company knows
where they want to be, it is easier to let the employees know as well.  The
employees will have a clear path of what they need to do to get the
company to that vision.
 
A good leader will have empathy and compassion for the employees.  The
leader will understand what the employees need. This will instill support
and trust between the leader and the employees.  When a leader gives to the
employees, the employees will give back.  If the leader is giving gratitude
and support the employees will respond by giving the same back.  The jobs
they do on a daily will reflect the respect they have for their leader. A
genuine caring attitude will take a team a lot farthing then, an attitude of
resentment and lack of respect.
 
So, just be a good person and listen to the employees.  They will tell you
what needs to be addressed and what is working.  Trust them, and they will
trust the company.
 
 
 Chapter 4: Different Areas of Mental
Models and How They Can Be Changed
 

 
There are several areas that mental models are created and can be changed. 
In this chapter, we will explore the different areas and start to understand
how we develop mental models and why.  Changing mental models is a
process and will take time.  Some models will be easy to change, and some
will not.  Understanding how they work for us or against us is essential.  If
we are aware of the mental models, we can change them.  Improving these
areas will enhance your life and give you new insight into changing the
mental models you need to change in order to provide you with the amazing
life you want. 
 
The brain is a fantastic tool to get what we want and to understand the
world we live in.  Create mental models that serve you.  Knowledge is the
power to move forward.  Trust that you can create what you want for
yourself.  Whatever that looks like for you.  Tools to sharpen your mind
now can help you ward off Alzheimer’s later in life as well as living your
best life now.
 
There are different things you can do to improve your memory and thinking
process.  Eating a healthy diet and drinking plenty of water fuels the brain
and helps it function properly.  Getting enough exercise will help you
release stress and “clear your mind.”  Helpful chemicals in the brain will be
released, and new connections will be made.  Meditation has been proven to
quiet the mind and bring peace and balance to the person that is using it. 
The list for improving your brain and your health are endless.  Find
something that works for you and continue to do it.  If after time that
doesn’t seem to work for you anymore, then decide to try something new. 
It is not set in stone what is the right or wrong way to bring peace to your
mind.
 

Memory and How It Works

There are different areas of memory.  The long-term memory will store,
retrieve, and organize memories.  Short-term memory is information that
hasn’t been decided to dismiss or store into long-term memory. Explicit
memory is a long-term memory that you will have to concentrate on
remembering them.  Recalling a certain memory.  Implicit memory is
remembering from repetitiveness, subconscious “auto-pilot.” 
Autobiographical memory is a memory you can recall more vividly than
others.
 

Long-Term Memory
For memories to become long-term memories, it will have to impact you in
some way.  Big or small, you will remember it for years to come.  You can
recall it and may remember all of it or just a few sections of it.  These are
what we base our future upon.  These memories are gathered and organized,
so when a situation comes up again; we will be more prepared for it.  The
thought of getting on a roller coast may make you instantly recall a memory
of you getting sick on a roller coaster when you were twelve.  The mind
will remind you not to get on the roller coaster because last time you felt ill.
Long-term memory will store everything that happens to us. 
 
If we didn’t have long-term memory, we would not be able to continue to
have relationships or have a conversation. The long-term memory is what
retains all the information that allows us to do these things.  The schooling
we have had and everything that we have learned from our parents or
teachers.  Thinking about the things you do on a daily couldn’t be done
without long-term memory.  It is the life behind all that we do.  The long-
term memory is critical to maintaining the life we have created.
 

Short-Term Memory
The mind takes in so much information on a second by second bases.  Some
of the information we need and some we don’t.  Short-term memory is
where we take in all of this information.  Our brain decides if we need to
dismiss it or if we need to store it into long-term memory.  Working the
memory muscle will help you strengthen your mind now and help ward off
Alzheimer's later in life.  Studies have shown that practicing brain games
will increase new connections and boost your brain to stay healthy. 
 
Short-term memory is how the waiter at your favorite restaurant takes your
order and doesn’t write it down.  They are exercising their memory
muscles.  The short-term memory can only hold a limited amount of
information for about 20 to 30 seconds.  That is why repeating the
information will help you retain it better.  When you first met someone, Hi
Connie. I am glad to meet you, Connie.  Doing this will help you remember
the person’s name.
 

Explicit Memory
Explicit memory is recalling a memory and intentionally remembering the
memory.  You try to remember vivid details when you think hard enough
about the memory.  This is the memory you have when you smell apple pie,
and you think of your grandmother’s house at Thanksgiving time.  There
are two different types of explicit memory.  One is episodic, which is your
memory of your name, childhood, and family relationships.  The other is
semantic memory which is random knowledge like the capital of Kentucky
is Frankfort.  When remembering a memory if two or more senses are
recalled, the memory will be easier to recall.
 

Implicit Memory
Implicit memory is a memory that we don’t have to think about it.  The
subconscious memory takes over.  The repetition of this task just happens. 
We don’t have to think about it.  It is the route we take home.  We know this
route so well we sometimes forget if we stopped at the stop sign before
entering the neighborhood.  Assembly line workers use implicit memory
daily.  Missing parts or a defect will send a red flag in the brain, letting the
worker know it isn’t right because it will look different from the last 300
parts, they have seen that day.  The subconscious mind will take over and
let the conscious mind think of other things.
 

Autobiographical Memory
This memory you can recall better than other memories.  Autobiographical
memory falls in with explicit memory, but what makes it different is you
can remember it and feel like you are there right back where you were in
the memory.  Autobiographical memory is highlighted with more than one
sense.  Trent remembers working on his grandfather’s farm when he smells
wet hay and sees a field of horses.  Vividly remembering is
autobiographical memory.
 

Critical Thinking
Critical thinking is looking at an issue or situation with the facts and
coming up with a conclusion or solution. There are five skills we use when
talking about critical thinking.  The first is analytical.  Analytical is when
we ask questions to find out more information to create a decision. We use
data and facts about the situation or event to determine how we see the
world.  A person will ask questions to find more information in order to
help make a decision. Communication is essential to relay your idea or
answer to others in a way that they can understand and understand your
point of view.  It will help get information and give information to make the
decision for the situation.  If your conclusions are relayed clearly, others can
understand what is being said, and that can help them make their own
decisions. 
 
Creativity is a way of looking at a problem and finding a new way to solve
it.  Creativity promotes curiosity, imagination, and new thinking.  When
critical thinking uses an open-mind, it is able to set aside emotions,
assumptions, and judgments.  A decision is made based on facts and data. 
The decision or solution will be fair and unbiased.
 
Problem-solving contracts the facts and data that the analytical brain has
gathered and organizes that information to understand the problem, based
on that information, the brain can start to solve the problem.  Decide on the
best way to handle the situation.  Problem-solving will make clarifications
and have a conclusion.
 

Analytical Thinking
In this stage of the problem-solving dilemma, the brain gathers the
information that will later give us the tools to create a resolution to the
problem at hand.  It is always seeking information.  The information
coming into the brain starts to be organized and shuffled to make sense of
what the outside world is doing.  At this stage, mostly what is happing is
just getting the information, assessing the situation, and looking for an
answer to the problem. 
 
Analytical thinking uses the sense to gather information.  A person has been
transported to a hospital after a severe car accident.  The emergency room
nurse will start to evaluate the person and ask questions to gather
information to help improve the patient’s health and current situation. 
Watching vitals and how the patient is responding to different evaluations
will determine how the nurse will take the steps needed to save this
patient’s life.  Analytical thinking gathers the information in the world so
the brain can determine the solution to the current problem. 
 
A great way to create a stronger analytical thinking skill is to practice. 
Walkout in the world and just observe the surroundings.  Be aware of what
is going on, look at details, and notice what you are interested in.  Create
questions about how things work and understand the concept.  Games are
another great way to improve the analytical mind.  Research online and find
brain games that will help you improve your brain function.  When
resolving a problem, look at the pros and cons of the issue.  Be intentional
in your decision making and recognize the consequences of your decision.
 

Communication Skill
This is important in all aspects of your life.  In relationships and in
problem-solving.  If you have discovered a link or resolution to a problem
and need to relay the information to someone else, your communication
skills should be clear and direct.  The tone we use to say it will also, help
understand the information.  If you are able to share information effectively
and use terminology that your audience can understand it will be a benefit
to you and the audience.  Having excellent communication skills with
verbal as well as written will help you relay critical information.
 
Jason has a great idea to change the kitchen so that it will flow and be more
efficient.  In relaying this idea to his wife, he has to be clear on where the
table, appliances, cabinets will be placed.  Jason created a diagram that
showed where everything will be set and what walls need to be taken out or
moved.  Having clear information, you and the person can have a better
understanding of the problem.
 
A great way to improve communication skills is to talk to different people
with different views.  Get new perspectives on the issues that mean the most
to you. 
 
Find yourself a pen pal and start to write or email friends and explain the
ideas that you have. Make communication a priority each day.  Learning a
new word a day and use it throughout the day.  Check on the internet for
games that will enhance your communication skills.
 

Creativity Skills
Creativity is in every one; there are lots of ways to express it.  Some people
are creative in an artistic way like most people think about painting,
sculpture, drawings. But there are other ways to be creative.  Being creative
is looking at the world in a different way than what you usually see it.
Creativity skills are fueled by imagination and curiosity.  Creative thinking
may also be called “thinking outside the box.”  This way of thinking will
help create solutions to daily human problems. Asking questions of why
something is working or not will help start your creative thinking. 
 
Trying to create something new daily or even weekly will boost your
creativity.  When we learn something new, it opens pathways in our brain to
make new connections; these connections can help you have a unique
perspective on situations that will change your life for the better.  Each day
Justin draws a picture of something a chair, cat, friend.  Some days it will
be a doodling or other days more elaborate and detailed drawing, but each
day he will draw something.
 
Being devoted instead of disciplined will help you feel “freer” with the
situation instead of making it a chore and feel controlled.  Learning to
change your mental models to perceive life in a different way could help
make it a pleasant experience instead of a dreaded one. 
 
Creating can be fun, and having a good time doing it will stimulate the area
of your brain that likes the reward system.  Tiffany is learning to play the
drums; each day, she will play a different part of a song until she gets it
right.  The devotion she has and the desire to play the drums makes it fun
but, discipline and demand would make it seem more like a chore to her.
 
Open-Mindedness
Having an open-mind for solving problems can be challenging at times. 
Keeping an open mind means you have to take the emotions, judgment, and
assumptions out of the decision-making process.  We are human, and all of
these issues come naturally to us, so taking them out of the equation can be
challenging at times.  Open-minded people are more accepting of others
and seem to be more optimistic. Open-minded people see issues and
situations from both sides.  They learn from others and adapt to enjoying
life more.  Easily adaptable to change because they are willing to see things
differently. 
 
Samantha and Allen are discussing what color to paint the living room. 
Allen was set on painting it bright blue.  Samantha wanted a lighter shade to
brighten up the room because it didn’t have a lot of natural light.  After
explaining to Allen that the dark blue would make the room seem smaller
and more cluttered, he realized that the lighter color would be a better
option. He looked at both sides of the conversation and saw Samantha’s
idea on the room color made more sense.  Looking at a problem from
everyone’s perspective will open more significant discussions and may even
change people’s attitudes to a more open-minded way.
 
Consider seeing both sides of an issue or even an argument.  Having a firm
grip on how the other person sees the problems or situations will give you a
better overall view of how to resolve the issue.  You don’t have to believe
what the other person believes but, trying to understand where they are
coming from will help solve any problems that may occur.
 
Practice the urge to control emotional response to the point of view you
don’t agree with.  Listen to what the person has to say and have them
explain anything that isn’t clear.  Ask questions if you don’t understand but,
try and keep your emotions out of the conversation.  Listen to the facts and
try to understand what is being said; it doesn’t mean you have to be
convinced of their view, but it will help you understand where they are
coming from.
 

Problem-Solving
Problem-solving is about generating and implementing a solution to a
problem.  Finding the facts and figuring out a way to resolve the problem
will take the other skills to help resolve the issues.  Problem-solving is the
plan to create a solution.  Step by step, organizing facts to lead to the final
resolution to the situation.
 
Using the other skills to help create a plan to conclude the problem is
beneficial in determining how the problem will be fixed.
 
Jacob is having trouble solving the mathematical problem in class today. He
took the math problem home and asked his mother if she could help him
understand how to solve it.  She explained the problem to him, and after
clarification, he created a plan to solve the problem.  Checking the facts and
understanding a systematical way of creating an outline is how problems
are resolved. 
 
Great ways to improve your problem-solving skills is by using language
that promotes ideas.  “What if” or “Imagine if” were the questions you were
asking yourself to create a solution.  Anything is possible; you just have to
create a way to spark your thought process.
 
Focus on the solution, not the problem.  When you are thinking in terms of
a solution, the problem isn’t the focus the solution is.  So, in turn, where
focus goes is where energy will flow. 
 
Look for obvious answers.  Keep it simple and return to the basics. 
Humans tend to overthink issues and situations, and it only complicates
finding a solution.  Start by looking at it in the simplest way, sometimes that
will give us the answer we have been looking for.
 
Another tool to help discover the answer to a problem is asking yourself the
right questions.  The five why’s will help you figure out the root cause of
the problem.
 
Josie is late to work.
 
Why is she late to work? She was tried and hit the snooze button.
 
Why was she tired?  Stayed up to late the night before.
 
Why did she stay up too late?  She took a nap after work yesterday.
 
Why did she take a nap after work?  She was watching her nephew.
 
Why was she tired of watching her nephew?  They played a lot.
 
Asking yourself the simple question “why” will bring you back to the root
cause of the problem.  If you know the reason, you can start to fix the
problem.
 
Starting to solve a problem takes several different aspects of looking at the
problem.  We have to gather data and the facts (analytical) and determine
what the best solution to the problem would be by looking at all
perspectives. (open-minded) And then discover how we will relay this
information to others to get the plan in action to start solving the issue
(communication).  Using a new way to look at the problem will teach you
how to “think outside the box,” these ideas can come from others or within
you. (creativity).
 

Decision-Making
Decision-making is finding the best solution for a situation or issue by
using beliefs, facts, values that align with you.  It reflects what beliefs,
perspectives, values, and how emotionally involved you are with the
situation.  The above factors all play a part in the final decision.  Decision-
making and problem-solving are not the same, as problem-solving facts and
data are the main elements with no emotions or judgment.  Decision-
making emotions are part of the decision.
 
Jason was offered a new position across the country, doing a different job
completely.  His emotions will play a part in the decision because he will be
leaving his home town to pursue this job.  It can be scary to leave
everything you have known.  Decision-making is more personal and
tailored to you.  It will ultimately be your decision. The decision that is
made isn’t right or wrong; it is what best fits your needs or wants.
 

Rational Decision Making

Rational decision making is how the majority of the population creates a
solution.  Weighing the options and viewing the pros and cons to decide on
the correct decision for them.  This decision-making style uses the facts and
information and logical thinking to create a solution that will be the right
answer based on the facts that have been given.  Rational decision making
will consider consequences; if I make this decision, then this will happen,
and so on. 
 
Joe has two job offers; one is in Hawaii, and the other is in Canada.  Joe has
wanted to live in both places; both companies are similar.  His decision will
be based on facts and what each company has to offer.  Deciding the pros
and cons of each company and place will help Joe make a clear decision on
what job to take.
 
When making a rational decision, the first thing you will have to do is
define the problem.  In Joe’s case, it was where to live and what company to
choose.  After the problem is determined, the next step will be to ask
yourself a series of questions that will promote the outcome of the
decision.  Looking at the choices and how it will affect others is the third
part of rational thinking. 
 
Including others that will be affected by this decision is part of the process
that may make it a little harder.  The fourth step is to create an alternative
list.  A list you may not use but, other options that you could consider. 
Doing this will lead to alternative results and thinking ahead to see how
each decision will end and weighing the options.
 
Leo owns a catering company, and he needs to hire another employee but,
isn’t sure where to create the money for one.  He starts to ask himself where
he is wasting money or could save money.  When and if he does hirer
another person how much more money would that bring in because he
could add more events to his calendar.  Leo creates a list of all the pros and
cons of hiring another person.  Would he make more money even if he is
paying another person to help?  Considering the income could be beneficial
as well.  Leo looks at the data and facts on hiring a new person, and now he
can decide what will work best for him.  Weighing the options and getting a
clear understanding of the information and facts will help make the right
decision for the situation.
 
 
Consider the facts and try to keep your emotions out of the decision if you
want to make a clear conscious decision that will serve you.
 
Make a list of the pros and cons of the situations.  Listings the good points
and the bad points will be helpful in creating a rational decision. Consider
all the alternatives and the consequences and how it will affect others along
with yourself and then pick the best one.
 

Intuitive Decision Making

Intuitive decision making is more of a decision based on how you “feel.”  It
is a knowing inside yourself, and you have no doubt about the situation or
issue and what you should do.  There isn’t a doubt you are making the right
decision.  The facts and data and rational thinking doesn’t make a difference
in this process or even help.  Sometimes it’s a voice that will tell you that it
is the right decision or it is a feeling in your body like butterflies in your
stomach when you think about the choice you need to make.  Facts and data
will not help make the decision; it is based on a “gut” feeling. 
 
Intuitive decisions are made quickly, not a lot of thought goes into making
these decisions.  The situation presents itself, and you respond by the way
your body feels or the voice that speaks to you at that moment.  It feels right
to you, so you go with the flow of how you feel.  It is hard to explain
because the facts are not a part of the equation, and you don’t rely on the
data and facts.  There is nothing to tell you if it is right or wrong, you just
“feel” that it is the right thing to do for you at the time.  You can’t explain
this feeling that comes over you.  It is just in your knowing. 
 
Ericka knew that she would find true love, but she wasn’t sure when it
would happen.  A co-worker set her up on a blind date.  Ericka was hesitant
to go, but she heard a voice that told her to go out with this guy.  After
spending 10 minutes with Todd, she was convinced that he was her soul
mate.  They couldn’t explain it, but they just knew they were meant to be
together.  Six months later, they were married.  They both felt the certainty
and Ericka heard her inner voice telling her Todd was the one for her.
 
A person can increase the listening factor to their intuition.  When you
listen to the intuition more often and realize what is going on, you are in
tune with it.  You understand what is going on and are willing to listen to it. 
It will take time to know when your inner self is talking but, the more you
listen and practice, the better you will know when it is talking to you. 
Remember the feelings you had gotten when it had happened before, and
you realized what was going on. 
 
Sometimes it is a tightness in your stomach; other times, it is hair standing
up on the back of your neck.  You will begin to learn what the signs are for
you.  Be sure to pay attention to your first impulse, that initial feeling,
voice, knowing will be the answer that you are looking for.  Yes, some
decisions you should research if you are unsure, but when you are asked a
question, and you blurt out an answer and then wonder where that came
from that is your intuition talking.  The intuition will not lead you down the
wrong road; it will always put you where you need to be at the time even if
that doesn’t align with where you think you should be.  The inner knowing
will always put, you in the right place and time for what you need to have at
the time. 
 
Practice and listening to the feedback will help you tune into your inner
knowing.  Kate was sitting at a stoplight when the light turned green, she
felt a tug in her heart to wait before she took off, so she did.  Two seconds
later, another car was running a red light going way to fast.  He would have
hit her if she took off.  Remember how it feels when you get that feeling in
your body.  Remember when you were a teenager, and you went to the party
but, the whole time you had a sick feeling that you shouldn’t?  You didn’t
listen to the sign, and two hours later the cops show up and break up the
party.  That feeling everyone has experienced at some point or another in
their life. 
 
Knowing you shouldn’t do something and you do it anyway and the end
result turns out horrible.  The feeling you should do something but, you
don’t, and you miss a golden opportunity to meet your favorite band.  Start
to listen and start to notice the feelings or voice more.  Be aware of how
you feel; remember that feeling.  Start obeying that knowing.  You will be
surprised how your life will change, and you will start to have more
happiness in your life.
 

Positive Thoughts
Start to believe and trust yourself.  You know what is best for your life and
no one else knows better than you.  You could base your decision off your
“gut” feeling and just let the inner knowing guide you or you could be a
more rational thinker and weigh your options and make pro and con lists,
collect the data, determine the outcome of the decision.  There isn’t a wrong
way to do this, it is your life, and you know what is best for you.  The
choice for your life is your decision; it can’t be wrong. 
 
Overthinking is common on big decisions; at times, you need to take it back
to the basics and keep it simple.  Believe in yourself and trust the inner self
to guide you in the right direction even if you have no idea where that voice
is taking you.  You will be successful, and you will know in your heart what
is right for you.  Listen to it and do what it says even if you think it is crazy
what it is telling you.  Make sure you are listening to the little things, so
when it is time to make the big decisions, you will know exactly how you
are to feel.
 
Make your lists and collect your data and facts.  Doing this will help you
make the decision clear but don’t forget to consider others that will be
affected by this decision.  Doing your homework will make a difference if it
is right for you or not.  Combining rational and intuitive decision making
can almost guarantee that it is the right decision for you.  Listening to your
inner voice, intuition, “gut” or whatever you want to call, it will help you be
more in tune with your intuition to help you make better decisions for your
life.
 Chapter 5: Being Aware of Your Mental
Models Is the First Step to Changing
 
 
 
Negative mental models are playing in our minds daily, and most of the
time, we don’t even realize it is happening or if we do realize, we just keep
doing it.  It is a constant loop of negative thoughts that is on autoplay. Some
of us have had negative talk going on so long; we just think it is the norm. 
When you spill coffee on the counter, we mumble “stupid” or “you're so
clumsy.”   When a mistake at work is made, we start to bombard ourselves
with mean thoughts that we would never consider saying to our kids or best
friend.  If others speak ill of themselves, we are quick to correct them but,
we don’t take our own advice.  We are our own worst critic.
 
To define what is meant by a negative thought or mental models in this
context is the mean, unpleasant, degrading dialogue we have about
ourselves in our own mind.
 
How do we stop or redirect our negative thinking?  The first step is to start
to be aware of the things you are saying and when you are saying them. 
Tamara was using the copier, and there was a paper jam.  It wasn’t her fault;
she was just using it.  She starts to say things like “I cannot believe you did
this!”  “Why do they let you use the copier?”  For one, it isn’t her fault; the
copier has been getting jammed for weeks.  Is all that negative talk really
necessary?  Tamara may just start to say these things and not even realize
she is doing it.  That is how powerful the mind is.  We believe what it tells
us even if it isn’t true.  The mental models we have created just kick in and
tell us what we have been telling ourselves for years.
 
At times we forget that we have a choice about what we say and do.  Once
you notice the negative talk has started, you can listen to it and see what it
is saying, or you could stop, take a breath, and then decide a more positive
thing to say to yourself. Listening to the negative talk will help you realize
you are actually telling the mean things to yourself.  Listening will also help
you understand where the mental model came from.  Maybe the voice you
hear is your mother’s or what you are saying was something your father
told you all the time.  These are great ways to find the root cause of these
mental models.  When you know where they came from or when they
started, that can help unravel the old mental model and create new ones that
will serve you better.
 
Kristen started college, and she had noticed when she didn’t do well on a
test, the negative dialogue would start.  The thoughts of not being smart
enough, good enough, or worthy of receiving a degree in science would
start.  She would feel depressed and anxious.  The more she thought about
this negative mental model, the more she began to understand where it had
started. 
 
She had put the pressure on herself because she thought her dad would be
disappointed in her for not doing well on the test.  This led to her thinking
he didn’t love her.  She traced this back to the fifth grade when she failed a
math quiz, and she knew her dad would be upset.  He wasn’t but, she kept
believing he was.  In turn, this started the process of not being good enough
when she didn’t pass a test in school.
The mind is a powerful tool that can be used for us or against us.  It is up to
us to take control back and decide to create a better life for ourselves.
 
Science has proven we are on autopilot 85 to 95 percent of the time. 
Autopilot means that we are not consciously thinking about what we are
doing.  Autopilot is when you come home from work, and you ask yourself
if you stopped at the stop sign at the end of the street.  You do it so much
your brain doesn’t really THINK about doing it.  Anything you do the same
day in and day out may be considered autopilot.  If we send this much time
in our subconscious maybe it would be a good idea to listen to what it is
telling us on a daily?  The subconscious remembers everything, the times
your parents yelled at you for misbehaving when you were six and the time
your father was disappointed in you when you were seventeen. 
 
These stories stick with us and create mental models that tell us we are not
worthy or that we aren’t smart enough to be in college.  We continue to
believe the negative mental models that were created when we were six or
ten or sixteen.  We are adults, and the mental models have to change
because the old ones are not serving us now that we are adults.
 
The subconscious job is to remember and remind that is it.  It retains it all,
and in doing so, it forms a system that will keep us safe according to what
information we have taken in.  So, if you were called ugly by a boy, you
liked in the fourth grade, and it hurt your feelings and made you feel
worthless and unloved this will stick with you.  Your subconscious mind
will believe that story if you don’t change it by knowing that you are
beautiful and worthy.  You will spend your life picking the wrong men
because you don’t feel worthy of a healthy relationship.  It will keep you
safe by not letting you get hurt by the stupid boy in fourth grade again.
 
In order to change our mental models, we have to start with the conscious
mind.  Believe you are worthy and intentionally bring positive mental
models into your conscious, awake life so it will seep into your
subconscious. Once this process has started, you can begin to change the
subconscious to a more positive mental model that will serve your life more
efficiently.  In doing so, your life will start to change dramatically for the
better. Here are a few ways to improve it.  Practicing these daily will help
create a habit that will serve you in a more positive way.
 
These practices will help, but you don’t have to practice all of them.  If only
a few resonate with you then, only do those few.  Do what feels useful to
you; if it brings you peace or joy, then that is the ones you need to practice;
leave the rest.  This practice is supposed to be fun and easy to make into a
habit, if you are forcing yourself to do this, then it will be a waste of your
time.
 
Practices for a Positive Mental Model
Be quiet.  Take time daily to lie quietly on your back and get in a relaxing
state of mind so you can start to visualize a day in your life.  Create the day
you would love to have happened in your waking life.  One option is when
you wake for the day, after you come home from work, or right before you
go to bed.
Take several, deep breaths and begin to feel your body becoming more
relaxed. You want to feel comfortable from your head to your toes.  No
tension in the body.  Once you feel like you are relaxed, then start to
visualize your day.  Create a perfect day in your mind, what you are eating
for breakfast, who are you spending it with, what are you wearing and so
on. Be very detailed and consider creating with all your senses.  Which
means what are you smelling, touching, seeing, tasting, hearing.  Feel into
it; the more your emotions are involved, the more the subconscious will
remember. 
 
The subconscious doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy;
it doesn’t know that this day is only happening in your mind, and this is
where you start to change your mental models in a more positive way. Try
this for 20 minutes a day every day; this is the critical part every day.  The
more consistent you can become with any practice, the more it will become
a habit, and you will retain and continue to practice. Top athletes and high
performing people do this in their daily routine; they visualize where they
want to be on a regular. 
 
Consider thinking of your perfect day throughout the day.  Keep thinking of
it.  Go to sleep thinking about it.  Changes will continue to happen, and
before long, you will be living the life you once only created in your mind. 
Be patient with this process; it will take time for the subconscious to switch
to the new mental model, but it will happen.
 

Believe Change Can Happen for You

Believe change is possible and take action to reflect the new mental model. 
At first, you may have a hard time believing this new truth because it isn’t
something you have done before or considered before, BUT it doesn’t mean
you can’t keep trying. It only means you have to keep going and keep
telling yourself it is true.  Stacey wants to lose 20 pounds by her class
reunion in six months.  She starts to visualize herself in the dress and how
amazing she looks.  Not only will she imagine herself being thinner, but she
will also take action to make that happen, like working out at the gym daily
for 30 minutes, eating a healthy diet and only allowing a few cheats a
week.  Creating these changes will allow her brain to realize she is serious
this time, and the mind will continue to think herself thin.
 

Permit Yourself to Be Successful

Be happy now, and don’t wait until you think you are successful.  This one
is important to remember.  If you keep waiting to be happy you will never
be satisfied because what you are telling your subconscious mind is that
you have to wait and receive something before you are happy and you
aren’t happy now.  Being happy and grateful now for all that you have and
have accomplished will prepare you for when the success comes.  When
being thankful, you cannot help, but be happy.  Thinking of loved ones and
experiences you have had will promote positive mental models.
 
Jordan wanted to be a successful real estate agent.  He worked hard and was
focused on his goal of earning 60,000 dollars in his first year.  He knew he
would be happy once the goal has been reached.  The goal was met, and
Jordan still wasn’t happy.  He has to be satisfied with what he has right now
and yet have new goals set in place to achieve more from himself.
 
Letting yourself be happy and satisfied currently will only create more
positive reinforcement for the future.  If you wait to be happy, it will only
prolong it.  Instead of being content, you will always need the “next big
thing” to make you happy.  It will be a never-ending cycle that will only
keep you unhappy as long as you keep looking to things and success that
will only happen in the future. Once the goals have been achieved,
recognize them, and celebrate! You have done it. How amazing is that? 
 

Surround Yourself with Positivity

Surround yourself with positive people and things you love.  Having people
that support what you want to create will help you keep the positive vibe
and encourage you to continue when you feel like giving up.  Creating
space in your house that is just for you and will make you happy when you
are in it.  Continue to fill your life with things that make you happy and at
peace.  If all you are doing is working towards your goal and not making
time for the people you love and the things you like to do you will
inevitably get “burnt out” on all the work and no play. 
 
Put a ritual into place that will encourage play and positive mental models
each day, like playing a game for an hour on your phone or watching your
favorite tv show, leaving notes on the bathroom mirror telling you how
smart and beautiful you are. Again, consistency is the key to succeeding in
keeping the balance between working on the goals and keeping yourself
sane.  Pencil this time in on your busy calendar each day.
 

Talk About Your Success in Present Form

Remember when I said the subconscious doesn’t know the difference
between reality and fantasy?  That still applies here in speaking as if you
HAVE your success now.  If you say out loud or in your mind that you ARE
successful, your brain will start to believe it.  Mental models will be created
to think as if you are already successful and are living the life you have
always wanted.  Having emotions combine with this thinking will only
encourage the subconscious to believe it even more.
 
Another great way to reinforce this belief is by using a mantra.  Mantra is a
statement that you use to create new positive mental models around the
current areas of your life.  If you have more month then money, trying to
make ends meet and stressing about not having enough money to pay rent,
you will only have more lack in your life.  If worry starts to make you
anxious, take a deep breath, stop the negative pattern, and tell yourself, “My
life is full of abundance and money comes easily to me.” 
 
Keep telling yourself this mantra until you calm down.  Tell yourself this
even when you're not stressed.  Say it until you really, honestly, believe it. 
This will take time just like the rest of these practices but, I am telling you
the consistency will pay off.  Just believe in yourself and your ability to
change the way you are thinking.  You can create mantras for different areas
of your life but, don’t make so many it overwhelms you, that would be
counter-productive.
 

Be Crystal Clear on Your Vision

A clear vision of where you are going in life will guide you to take baby
steps needed to get to the big goal.  If the subconscious has a vague idea
like “I want to be rich.”  There is no direction on how to get there, and a
plan can’t be put into place to help you get rich.  If you explain and have a
plan to tell your brain, then it can get excited and be ready to work.  It needs
direction and emotions to give it fuel to move forward and in the course of
getting rich.
 
Mikah wanted to make a million dollars a year before he is 25 years old. 
He has a coaching business that he is growing.  He has set goals for each
year to get him to that million-dollar goal.  He is clear in his vision each
year and has taken baby steps that will help him get to that goal.  Planning
and having a clear vision will help you succeed.  When you start a road trip
across the country, you have a plan, a road map on where to go and know
when to stop for gas; it is planned out to get you to your destination.  Your
life needs that road map to get to the destination as well, and you are in
charge of getting that together.
 
Here is a simple exercise to help you plan for the goal you have set.  First,
write your goal at the top of a piece of paper (pick only one goal for this.) 
List all that needs to be done to get you to that goal.  These will be “baby
steps” to get you to the big goal.  Each day work on one step until that step
is complete, move on to the next one and so on until you are at the target. 
Steps may need to change or even get added but, having a list to start with
will help you just start and get active on your dreams.  Be grateful along the
way, and when the goal is met, don’t forget to celebrate the little steps along
the way.  If you have a small celebration on your way to the big goal, it will
give your brain a little reward; this will keep you happy and keep working
towards the goal.
Holding conflicting beliefs
 
This one is a tricky one to figure out; we are saying one thing but, our
subconscious is believing and acting on another.  We think about taking
trips all over the world and doing as we please but, in the back of our minds
(subconscious) we are telling ourselves we can’t afford to do that.  It is hard
for humans to think big when the right now seems so small. It is hard to
imagine we can have all the riches the world has to offer when we are living
in a one-bedroom apartment on the poor side of town.  The mind can only
see what will be lost if we make a move towards a better life; we don’t
know what we will gain in the process.
 
Tabby wants to be a famous singer so bad, but she is afraid to leave her
well-paying job to pursue her dream.  What she doesn’t realize is all that
she will gain if she takes this risk.  She would no longer have to worry
about that job and living to help others with their dreams.  She would be
free to create and sing every day. 
 
Conflicting beliefs, your conscious mind says yes, but your subconscious
says not today.  Learn to control the mind and start to create positive mental
models to live your best life yet.  Practicing these exercises and having a
self-care plan will help you overcome the negative subconscious mind and
create a subconscious that believes you are capable of doing anything you
set your mind too.
 

Positive Thoughts
Being aware of the negative thought and shutting it down before it has time
to get you to stress out and anxious is the path to a more positive lifestyle. 
Stay aware of the conversation you are having with yourself be conscious
of what is going on in your mind.  Mistakes will be made; we are human,
give yourself a break, and quit beating yourself up of silly stuff that won’t
matter in five months. 
 
Accept the mistake, apologize if you need too, and let it go.  Reliving the
error will not make you feel better, and it won’t change anything besides
you feeling more guilty then you have been in the past.  Create mental
modes that will serve you and help you let go of stuff that is holding you
back.  If it doesn’t serve you, meaning if it doesn’t make your life better or
more at peace, then find a way to let it go. 
 
Forgiveness is a great way to let go of the mental models that are
conflicting with the new life we want for ourselves. Forgiveness of a person
doesn’t mean you are letting them “off the hook” with hurting you; it
merely means you are moving on and not holding on to all of the hurt that
doesn’t serve you to be better.  
 
Sandra was engaged to Thomas, and things were going great, she was
planning the wedding, and all was well between them.  Sandra was so
happy and excited to spend the rest of her life with Thomas.  One day
Thomas texted her and announced he didn’t want to marry her and that he
was moving to Italy in three weeks.  Sandra was devastated, to say the
least.  She never forgave him and spent the next three years being angry and
not dating or seeking another relationship.  The anger is holding her back
from finding a healthy relationship and enjoying life in general.  One day
she decided to forgive him, truly bless, and forgive him.  After doing this,
she felt free; happy and full of life.  Forgiveness gave her freedom from the
suffering and pain she continued to carry with her.
 
Any of these practices will change your mental models for more positive
ones.  Being consistent and recognizing when the negative starts and
shutting it down will help mold you into the person you want to be. 
Mantras will help you stay balanced and confident things will work out in
your favor.  Forgiving yourself and others will release you from pain and
promote happiness and freedom.  Set goals and figure out the baby steps
needed to help you accomplish that goal.  Live a balanced life all work and
no play will take a toll on your positive mental models so, be aware of your
self-care to keep you balanced.
 Chapter 6: Critical Mental Models for
Growth
 
 
 
Perception is our experience and interpretation of the world around us. It
involves the recognition of external stimuli and the actions in response to
the stimuli. We use the perception process to gain knowledge of different
systems and their properties. Through perception, we form a relationship
with the world around us and learn how to act within it and how to relate to
it. Perception is comprised of the detection of stimuli through the five
senses, sight, touch, sound, smell and taste. Cognitive processes are
required to interpret information and are also involved in the perception
process.
 
Throughout our daily experiences, we are constantly exposed to various
stimuli that are present in our environment. We see and observe the systems
and objects around us, smell different aromas and hear different sounds. We
taste and touch multiple objects continuously in day-to-day life. All these
experiences constitute our conscious existence and help define our
interactions with the people and systems around us.
 
Perception typically occurs in 3 steps, these are;
 1. Exposure to stimulus or environment.
2. Interpretation of the stimulus.
3. Action in response to the stimulus.
This process occurs naturally and continuously. We live surrounded by
stimuli that attract our attention at one point or another. These stimuli
include anything that can be touched, heard, seen, tasted, or smelt. The
specific stimulus that attracts our attention becomes the attended stimulus.
The attended stimulus is transmitted as a neuro signal to the brain. Once it
reaches the brain, we then become consciously aware of the presence of the
stimulus in the environment. This recognition is then categorized and
identified. Once the stimulus has been identified we can then act in an
appropriate manner in reaction to the perceived stimulus.
 
In order to understand and make sense of the world, we take in energy from
the environment and convert it to neuro signals; this is the process of
sensation. The perception that occurs in a bottom-up sequence of processing
begins with the stimulus and ends with the identification and categorization
of the stimulus. In top-down processing of perception, the perception is
developed based on previous experience and expectations. Information, in
this case, is interpreted on the basis of context in which the stimulus occurs
or exists. Both types of processes play an important role in perception.
 
Top-down processing is when we start with a larger object and then acquire
more information on the object in question. In top-down processing of
perception, we start with a general concept then gradually break it down to
more detailed smaller concepts. Top-down processing helps in simplifying
our view of the world, by taking in information in broad generalized
impressions rather than having to focus on multiple small isolated details.
Top-down processing is conceptually driven. It is influenced by
expectations, existing beliefs, and our understanding of various systems.
 
Top-down processing is useful when looking for patterns in the
environment but it can confine us to a set and fixed way of perceiving
things. We develop a set perception when our experiences and beliefs
influence and create a bias in our way of viewing things. The context and
circumstances in which an object is perceived can influence our
expectations.
 
Motivation also plays a role in how we see things because we tend to
perceive what will reinforce our beliefs. A classic example of top-down
processing is evident when reading an article that has typos and spelling
errors, we hardly notice them because our brains automatically fill in the
blanks and we see the words as they should be and not as they are.
 
Bottom-up processing in perception differs from top-down processing. In
bottom-up processing, perception is purely data-driven and is not
influenced by previous knowledge or experience. Bottom-up processing
takes place as we interact with the stimuli. Bottom-up processing works on
the principle of reductionism by breaking down the system or stimulus into
its most basic elements.
 
As a whole concept perception involves;
 Receiving information.
Selection of information based on external
or internal factors.
organization of information
Interpretation of the information.
Perception is a psychological intellectual process that is subjective since
individuals can perceive a similar situation in different ways based on their
unique experiences and beliefs. Perception plays a big role in the formation
of mental models. Mental models are internal representations of our
external environment in such a way that we can understand our
environment. Mental models are built on how we perceive situations or
systems.
 
Mental models are constructed through perception, imagination,
knowledge, and comprehension. Perception influences the kind of mental
models we develop and can impair our objectivity since perception is
largely subjective and varies from one individual to the next. Over-
dependence on set perceptions can restrict our thinking and result in a
narrow and incomplete view of the world. To achieve optimum thought
processing, we need to have objective views that are not biased or
influenced by our past experiences or assumptions.
 
Mental models can help guide our perception and views of situations. They
are the thinking tools that we use to understand life and different systems.
They aid us in making decisions, generating new ideas, and solving
problems. By organizing and structuring knowledge, mental models
simplify concepts it becomes easier to understand complex systems.
 
Mental models also enable and equip us to understand the links between
different systems and how they complement each other’s functions and
work together. The procedural arrangement of information in mental
models enhances our recall function and our ability to re-use skills we
utilize frequently with little mental effort.
 

Decisions and Mental Models

Mental models are comprised of categories of data and knowledge,
concepts, identities, stereotypes, casual narratives, and world views. They
organize knowledge in a way that we can comprehend, explain, and utilize
it. Mental models consolidate knowledge and enable us to process
information. Having varied mental models to base our thought processing
on is essential for decision making and problem-solving skills.
 
Life is filled with choices that we need to make daily. These choices range
from mundane everyday decisions to life-altering decisions with more far-
reaching consequences. Our choices and decisions affect our mental
wellbeing, physical health, productivity, and social competence. To make
sound decisions we need to be equipped with enough knowledge to base
our decisions on, an objective view of the situation and the ability to predict
possible outcomes.
 
Background knowledge and acquired knowledge is necessary for decision
making. Without the necessary facts and formation, we cannot assess
situations adequately enough to determine the pros and cons of each
possible course of action.
 
The choices we make ultimately have consequences whether in the short or
long term. Decisions are therefore an integral factor in determining our
success or failure in life. Decisions lead to action, the action leads to a habit
which in turn forms a behavior and ultimately a lifestyle.
 
If we take an example of nutrition, you can either make a conscious
decision to maintain a healthy diet or be lax in your nutritional standards.
Good nutritional choices will result in good health, reduce your chances of
getting lifestyle diseases and enhance your productivity. Poor nutrition, on
the other hand, may lead to a negative body image, predisposition to
lifestyle diseases and the overall reduction in productivity. In each case, the
choice will have an effect on our long-term future.
 
Emotions can influence us to make decisions that feel good at the moment
but that will ultimately affect us adversely in the future. For instance,
making a conscious decision to stay in and study instead of going out with
friends may not feel good at the moment but may have a positive effect on
your educational future.
 
Mental models allow us to predict the outcome of our decisions through
mental simulations. Simulations involve running different scenarios through
your mind and determining what would be the likely outcome of each.
Based on the desired outcome we can then settle on the scenario that leads
us closest to our goals.
 
Past experience helps us to learn from the consequences of past mistakes
and guides us on the courses of action to avoid if we are to have better
experiences in the future. For instance, if your business went under due to
mismanagement of funds in the past, you are likely to be more cautious in
future ventures when managing your funds since you have already
experienced the consequences of mismanagement.
 
Mental models organize and structure information into processes based on
our experiences and knowledge, hence using them can help in avoiding
pitfalls that we suffered in the past.
 
Our decisions affect not only us but also those around us. Effective
managers and leaders are aware of this fact and take other people's needs,
concerns and values into consideration while making decisions. Leadership
and management positions carry the added responsibility of ensuring that
the decisions made are beneficial for all the people involved. It is important
to consider the following when making decisions:

Decisions have consequences both in the

short term and long term.
Decisions are influential and can impact on
others and on our environments.
 Decisions are an illustration of our values,
beliefs, and character.
Mental models such as probabilistic thinking are important in the decision-
making process. Outcomes are determined by a complex set of factors that
shape the outcome of any particular scenario. Probabilistic thinking helps us
determine what our choices are likely to lead to and the alternative courses
of action available to us to achieve the desired outcome. Using probabilistic
thinking as a mental model can help us to anticipate what is likely to
happen and in so doing, we can be prepared for the eventuality.
 
The inversion model of thinking is also a useful model that can have a
significant role in enhancing our decision-making process. By enabling us
to tackle a situation from the end rather than the beginning, it makes it
easier to identify the obstacles blocking our path to achievement of the
desired goal. Inversion gives us the opportunity to view a problem from
perspectives, the beginning as well as the end.
 
When you have the ultimate goal, you are pursuing in the front of your
mind, it becomes easy to work backward and do everything in your power
to achieve the goal that you have visualized. While inverting the situation
does not automatically imply that the problem will be solved, it does help in
identifying obstacles in our paths and avoiding them.
 
When trying to make a decision we are often overwhelmed by information
and trying to figure out the best course of action. Applying the first
principles of thinking mental model helps us to clarify complicated
situations by separating facts from assumptions and leaving the basics of
the situations. You can then build new knowledge around the basics and
arrive at a new conclusion or solution to the problem.
 
We all have mental models that serve as our framework for understanding
the world around us. Mental models shape our behavior and thought
processes equipping us to solve problems, identify opportunities, generate
ideas, and make sound decisions. Filtering information through mental
models gives us a better comprehension of a system and how it works.
 
Mental models are formed on the basis of our perception, experience, and
acquired knowledge. Mental models can generally be characterized as:

Dynamic and constantly evolving with

experience and acquisition of knowledge
Incomplete representations of reality based on
individual perception.
They provide simplified explanations of
complex phenomena
They are the basic structures of cognition.
Our reasoning is based on mental models. These models represent a
perception or view of external stimuli. Mental models will typically depict
possibilities and can be used to predict outcomes through mental
simulation. Mental models have an organized structure in long term
memory. They also contain declarative information, causal information
about how components of a system interact and procedural information
about how to operate the system to achieve the desired outcome.
 
Mental model structures are typically organized as a network with
information bits that are interlinked representing interconnected concepts of
a larger system. The structure of the mental model provides the foundation
for behavior to be established. Mental models are predictive in nature and
create simulations that arise from the underlying knowledge and
information contained in the structure of the model. These simulations give
possible outcomes based on possible scenarios. Organized knowledge is
easier to recall and put to use hence mental models also facilitate
recollection of information.
 
Construction of a mental model normally occurs in stages,

Identifying the components of a system.

Inter grating the components of the system
based on their interactions
Testing and running the model.
Mental model structure development has been found to differ based on the
level of experience. In highly experienced individuals, there is a high level
of linkages within the networks that make up the mental model.
Subnetworks are also common in highly experienced individuals' mental
models. The level of abstraction in these mental models is also higher with
associations and a concept is based on abstract information rather than
surface features as is the case in amateurs or individuals with little
experience.
 
In individuals with more experience, sub-groupings and interactions are
based on frequently used procedures. When it comes to language, the
associations are based on the meaning of words in the context of the domain
of the system. The structure in amateur individuals’ mental models differs
from the structure in the models of experts or highly experienced
individuals. The models in this group have a lower level of abstraction with
concepts being based on surface characteristics rather than abstract
concepts.
 
The mental models in amateurs have fewer interlinkages between concepts
and the networks within the model are not as dense as those in the mental
models of experts. The language used is also a key difference between the
structures of the two types of mental models. In amateurs, the meaning of
words is based on natural language rather than the language of the system in
question. In these mental models, the concepts are not arranged in a
procedural format unlike in the mental models of people with more
experience.
 
The principle of accumulating mental models is instrumental in improving
our thinking capacity and our ability to see situations from multiple
perspectives. When we rely on a fixed number or set of mental models, we
in effect limit our range of thought, our capacity to generate new ideas and
the aptitude for finding solutions to problems. To improve ourselves we
must first change the way we think and how our thoughts influence our
actions. This is only possible if we are willing to expand our set of mental
models.
 
By considering mental models as tools that we can use to facilitate effective
thinking we can comprehend that the more mental models we have at our
disposal, the better the decisions we are able to make and to best utilize our
knowledge when interacting with different systems.
 
Our attitudes, values, beliefs, actions, and behavior are shaped by our
thoughts. To achieve something, we must first conceive it in our minds
before we can bring it into reality. The importance of mental models can
thus not be stressed enough. Not only do they affect our personal growth
and development, but they also influence our interactions and experiences
with others and our effectiveness at the workplace and in other intellectual
pursuits.
 
Looking at the world through the perspective of one subject or body of
knowledge leads to a limited and biased perception of the world and limits
our ability to adapt our thoughts to reflect reality. Our education system
mainly focuses on creating experts in specific bodies of knowledge such as
biology, physics, geology, and many other specialist disciplines. To be
exemplary thinkers, we must be willing to break out of the mold of our
fields of expertise and pursue liquid knowledge. Liquid knowledge is the
knowledge that encompasses multiple fields and has utility across various
situations in day-to-day life.
 
Liquid knowledge facilitates the formation of interlinked concepts within
the mental model. It forms co-relationships between related concepts
establishing similarities and areas of interactions across different fields of
knowledge and expertise. These linkages within the mental model are
important in creating opportunities and innovative ideas that would
otherwise be missed if we limited ourselves to just one area of expertise.
Mastering the fundamentals of each discipline will open up your view of
the world and enable you to perceive situations from multiple points of
view and enhance your understanding of the world.
 
Organizations can also benefit from the construction and development of
shared mental models. Shared mental models create a common
understanding of tasks to be undertaken, foster effective teamwork and
create an organizational culture. When people establish common objectives,
shared perception, and similar motivations they are able to work
harmoniously in teams to aid in the achievement of common goals.
 
Shared mental models are used to define, explain, and predict the behavior
of teams. It is not possible to have different individuals having identical
mental models, it is, however, possible for their mental models to be
compatible in terms of major perceptions and in their system of processing
knowledge and information. Identifying and fostering compatible models
among team members is the primary objective of developing shared mental
models.
 
Having compatible mental models means that the team members have a
common understanding of how the task ahead needs to be tackled, their
individual roles in the accomplishment of the task and how to connect their
roles and functions to create a functional unit.
 
Knowledge stability is an important part of the shared mental model
framework. Understanding the role of each individual within the team will
create a clearly defined course of action based on the identified roles of
each individual and what each member should be doing to complement the
other member's efforts. For instance, if paramedics are called out to an
emergency situation, understanding the role of each team member will help
to ensure there are no gaps in their response procedures and this will in
effect help to determine where to best position each person in the response
team to enhance team effort and effectiveness. Ambiguity within the team
in terms of individual roles and functions can result in duplication of
functions or some areas of the task being ignored since team members do
not have information on each other’s functions.
 
Effective teams can use shared mental models to predict and simulate
possible outcomes using different scenarios. The predictive aspect of mental
models is important in identifying possible challenges that may affect the
achievement of objectives and in determining ways to overcome them. This
will as a result help in planning and preparation for the expected outcome.
The ability to anticipate problems and areas of weakness means that team
members are equipped to assist each other and function in harmony in
different situations to enhance their collective effectiveness.
 
Shared mental models help teams by;
 Creating a mutual understanding of a
situation or task.
Establishing effective communication among
team members.
Create an understanding of the individual and
each other’s roles within the team and how
these roles intersect to facilitate the
completion of the task.
Enable anticipation of team needs and
prediction of possible outcomes
Create unified goals and purposes.
For shared mental models to be effective they must provide an accurate
representation of reality. A realistic picture is important in creating a viable
plan of action. Without having an accurate picture of reality, it is impossible
to come up with an effective plan since the starting point is not based on the
actual situation. The shared mental model should unite and align the goals
and visions of the individual to those of the company.
 
At both personal and organizational levels, the necessity of mental models
for effective decision making and better thought processes cannot be
ignored. Training your brain to think in new ways will enable you to tackle
problems that you could not solve before, see opportunities that were
previously hidden and have an unbiased multi-disciplinary view of systems
and the world at large.
 
The structure of mental models is comprised of acquired knowledge and
pre-existing knowledge or past experiences. The creation of linkages
between these major facets enables inferences to be drawn from past
experience and these inferences are used to interpret the current situations
we find ourselves in. Experience is, therefore, one of the core components
in the formation and development of mental models.
 
Mental models are our tools for understanding and explaining situations and
systems. Mental models are also predictive in nature. They allow for
predictions of outcomes through mental simulations. By creating simplified
internal representations of complex external situations, mental models
enhance our understanding of complex situations and enhance our thought
processes by structuring and organizing knowledge in a manner that is easy
to understand and recall.
 
Mental models are agents of behavior change. By affecting how we think
they ultimately influence our actions and behavior. They affect how we
think through the following mechanisms:

Organizing background information into

simpler concepts
Creating reference points from past
experience and memory.
 Linking information and facts.
Enabling mental simulations that aid in
predicting possible outcomes and in
anticipation of future events.
 

Critical Models to Include in Your Set of

Cognitive Models
Logic and reason are the main source and measures of knowledge. It allows
a person to discover the systems around them and interpret them in a
rational way. The theory of rationalism stipulates that people rely on
experiences and intuition to form perceptions of various systems. Our
cognitive aptitude is mainly important in decision making, problem-solving
and also idea generation.
 
The nature of human psychology is to alter our reality to fit our beliefs and
mental models. If you rely on a few models your perception will always be
skewed to accommodate them and this will hinder your objectivity and
ability to see situations from multiple perspectives.
 
Multiple models are a necessary element for personal growth. However, it is
not enough to have multiple models but the models should also be from
multiple disciplines because everybody of knowledge or discipline consists
of knowledge that we need to be aware of if we are to have a
comprehensive and realistic view of the world. Multi-disciplinary mental
models enhance your cognitive aptitude and the ability to make intelligent
and strategic decisions.
 
It is important to understand your cognitive limitations in order to be more
open to alternative approaches and the adoption of creative methodologies.
In this regard, self-awareness becomes a great tool because we can only
seek to improve once we know what our strengths and weaknesses are.
Establishing your personal competencies and being acutely aware of the
areas in which you are likely to excel and those in which you fall short will
aid you in identifying the mental models you need to adopt to enhance your
cognitive aptitude.
 
There are many different mental models in different fields of knowledge.
These mental models range in complexity from basic common-sense
models to complex and sophisticated models. Creating a latticework of both
the simple and complex models will give an understanding of straight
forward concepts but also help you to interpret and breakdown complex
systems into component concepts that you can understand and recall.
 
Some of the models that can enhance your cognitive ability and reasoning
are;
 

Entropy
The principle of entropy is multi-disciplinary. There is entropy in physics,
statistics, information theory, and cosmic studies. Entropy by definition is a
measure of chaos or disorder. It can also be used to refer to changes in
systems. Low entropy implies that the level of randomness is low within a
system, on the flip side high entropy implies a high level of randomness in a
system.
 
We increase entropy by increasing the complexity of the knowledge we
have. Entropy is bound to increase over time with advances in technology
and various other innovations. To control entropy in the systems around us
we have to focus on the aspect that we can control.
 
The law of entropy is built upon the principle of devoting energy resources
and time to the things that we have control over and have the capacity to
change. Trying to exert control on circumstances beyond our control is not
only an exercise in futility but a waste of energy, time and resources that
could be better utilized elsewhere.
 
Small restorations of order in our lives such as organizing your desk at
work or cleaning your room can have a tangible effect in creating the sense
that you are restoring order in your life. An ordered and clean-living
environment results in an ordered mind and even small acts of restoring
order and control can go a long way in making us feel like we are in control
of ourselves and the environment in which we exist.
 
The best way to internalize this model is to start small with small tasks such
as organizing your closet, cleaning your house, or even organizing your
desk at work. These may seem like small acts but they are surprisingly
effective in creating a sense of orderliness around us and minimizing the
feeling of being in a chaotic environment.
 

Pavlovian Association
The Pavlovian association principle is a great model for self-awareness and
social awareness. Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand
our emotions, while social awareness is the ability to understand and
manage the emotions of those around us.
 
Pavlovian association refers to the conditioning of the mind to form
associations between objects. For instance, ringing the bell every time you
feed the dog will teach the dog to associate the bell with food. This means
that the bell will elicit the same reaction as the food would even when the
dog is not being fed.
 
The Pavlovian association is used both consciously and unconsciously.
Most of the associations are created at a subconscious level and are
therefore almost impossible to resist since we may not even be aware that
the association is happening. This model is crucial in building self-
awareness because it can unearth the reactions we have based on mere
association rather than actual reality. Similarly figuring out when other
people are reacting based on association alone can help us in understanding
their emotions and consequently increase the ability to persuade and
influence them.
 
The Why Model
The power of why lies in the ability to make us question our actions,
beliefs, and values. When we self-analyze by prodding our inner
motivations, we can establish concrete plans and courses of action that will
help us in reaching our goals and objectives. The power of why requires us
to justify our own actions and this can help in detecting destructive habits
and consequently in changing behavior in a positive manner.
 
The power of why is also widely applied in leadership to motivate the
masses to action and create a common analogy and sense of purpose. The
justification aspect of the why models lead to crystallized reasoning which
means we obtain a sense of purpose and direction.
 
The why a model principle is a powerful tool when it is used in business
strategy especially in the sales function. By asking the right questions a
salesman can establish a need for a product in the client. Through
justification, he can illustrate why the product is necessary and this will go
a long way in making his pitch effective.
 
The why the model principle is also important in achieving effective
communication of information and knowledge. Regardless of how complex
a situation or system is if you explain it from the point of view of why?
People are more likely to understand the concept faster. When we know the
reason behind something then it becomes easier to build the rest of the
knowledge about the system around that justification.
 
This mental model helps us determine and understand motivation,
intentions, objectives, and expected outcomes. It is useful in decision
making, planning, and creating a strong sense of purpose and direction.
 

Bias from over Influence by Authority

Throughout history, social organization has divided people into rulers and
subjects. Bias from over influence by authority is inculcated from a young
age. We are taught to respect and obey authority figures as a way of
maintaining order in society. Authority gives people a sense of security
arising from the sense that there is someone in control.
 
By having the ability to question authority we can keen excessive power
and the abuse of this power in check. Dictators over time have been known
to commit grievous atrocities because they commanded absolute power and
authority over their subject. Authority like any other responsibility and
privilege needs to have checks and balances to keep it within the boundaries
of reason and political correctness.
 

Inversion Model
Thinking backward is more effective in tackling a problem because it
deconstructs a situation making simple concepts out of a complex situation.
Thinking backward helps us in recognizing the obstacles that are between
us and our goals and with this knowledge we can work on eliminating them.
 
Inversion is also effective because in breaking down complex situations into
smaller bits the situation becomes less overwhelming and easier to
understand. We can address the situation concept by concept instead of
looking at a problem as an insurmountable mountain.
 
Inversion also clarifies the consequences of a specific course of action and
these not only help in picking the best scenario for the desired outcome but
also helps in handling stress and anxiety that comes with the fear of the
unknown. When you are able to anticipate what will happen you are more
likely to remain calm since you are prepared mentally for what is to come.
 

Circle of Competence
Self-awareness is crucial in identifying our level of personal competence.
Being self-aware enables us to determine what we are gifted in, where we
have shortcomings and need to improve and what motivates us. These are
the key ingredients that facilitate personal growth and development. By
understanding our weaknesses, we can alter the habits and thoughts that
lead us to destructive behavior. In so doing we will be able to consistently
improve ourselves and take maximum advantage of our strengths.
 
Establishing what your circle of competence is, improves our decision-
making process by eliminating ego-driven choices. Every human being is
flawed in one way or another, being self-aware helps us in setting realistic
objectives for ourselves and keeping our weaknesses in check. Over-
reaching for what is naturally beyond our capabilities may lead to constant
failure which would ultimately impact our self-confidence and in turn
reduce our motivation.
 
Basing our objectives on a realistic assessment of our abilities means that
we can set achievable goals and objectives and focus our energy on building
on our strengths and compensating for our weaknesses.
 

Models to Adopt for Better Thought and

Decision Making
Life is essentially a series of choices that we make to determine the
direction in which we need our life to follow. From mundane everyday
decisions to complex life-altering decisions we face choices on a daily
basis. Choices have consequences and every decision we make will have a
consequence. The quality of decisions we make will determine if they result
in adverse consequences or have a positive outcome.
 
Decisions not only affect us but also those that we interact with and have
relationships with and our external environment as a whole. We, therefore,
need to take into consideration the needs and concerns of others before
making decisions. To avoid making knee jerk decisions based on emotions
and opinions it’s critical that we have a sound thought process through
which we can filter information before arriving at a decision.
 
Our thoughts not only influence our actions but also shape our beliefs,
attitudes, opinions, and behavior. It is therefore important to recognize that
our thoughts essential shape and influence all aspects of our lives. We
should thus make conscious and consistent effort to improve our thought
processes to enable us to make better decisions and cope with the ever-
changing world that we live in.
 
Mental models are the lens through which we view the world and filter
information to better comprehend systems and the situations around us.
Developing these models is crucial in creating more efficient thought
processes that combine knowledge and experience to form comprehensive
interpretations of complex systems and enhance our understanding of
concepts and information. This ability to understand, comprehend and
utilize knowledge forms the basis through which we can make informed
choices and sound decisions.
 
To develop a wide understanding of the world we need to draw knowledge
from varied and multi-disciplinary models that address multiple aspects of
different systems. These multiple models will give us fluid knowledge that
does not just give us give us the expertise in a selected field but rather
knowledge we can utilize in multiple situations.
 
Some of the models we can use to expand and enhance our decision-making
process include;
 

Adaptation
To thrive in their habitat’s species must adapt to their ever-changing
ecosystem or die. The process of natural selection eliminates the weaker
species and leaves the stronger ones to survive and breed. This ensures that
future generations carry the best genes from the available gene pool.
Natural selection is a basic law of biology where nature lets the strong
survive and eliminates the weak. This is nature’s way of guaranteeing the
survival of a species by systemically getting rid of undesirable
characteristics in the gene pool.
 
The law of adaptation holds true across all facets of life. It is as important in
human existence as it is in species survival in the wild. The world
constantly changing and evolving and if we fail to keep up with the changes
in technology, climate, socials set up and all the other spheres of life we risk
being rendered redundant. Adaptability is what equips us to handle change
and process new information and figure out how to respond to it. We cannot
achieve adaptability without being open to new ways of thinking. We
cannot successfully apply old ways of thinking to new situations and expect
success. Our thoughts must keep in tune with the changing world to enable
us to face new challenges, generate new ideas and find solutions to modern
problems.
 
Adding this model to your set of mental models will enhance your personal
growth and capacity for innovation. New ways of reasoning and yield new
ideas which intern lead to innovation and the discovery of new ideas.
 

Mental Simulations
One of the key elements of mental models is the ability to predict future
outcomes. Using acquired knowledge and experience we anticipate possible
outcomes through mental simulations. In decision making it is crucial to be
able to anticipate the consequences of whichever action we choose to
undertake. This will help us in picking the choice whose consequences are
equal to or closest to our objectives.
 
Mental simulations aid us in predicting the possible outcomes of our
actions. These predictions can be employed in determining the best course
of action to use to achieve the desired outcome. When we walk through
different scenarios in our minds, we get a realistic insight into what might
occur and how it may affect us. This ability to anticipate future events helps
us prepare for the outcome and also change our course of action to avoid
undesirable outcomes.
 

Pareto’s Principle
When making decisions, it is crucial to understand how best to spend our
resources energy and time. Time management is an essential element in
increasing productivity and managing resources effectively. Pareto’s
principle enables us to determine the activities that yield the highest results
and in effect spend more time and energy on them instead of devoting time
to non-productive ventures.
 
This principle stipulates that results are not equally distributed. It’s been
established that 20% of the work typically generates 80% of the results.
This is evident in fields such as sales where from a portfolio of clients, you
are likely to secure the most business from a small percentage (20%) of the
group. This knowledge is important in directing us on how to spend our
time and energy on the most productive aspects while devoting minimal
attention to the least productive aspects.
 
Making a choice based on this principle will save you the trouble of
pursuing fruitless endeavors that may end up being a drain on time and
resources.
 

First-Principles of Thought
By understanding the first elements and basic principles of a system, we can
build factual knowledge around the main principles and eliminate
assumptions that infiltrate our decision-making process. Assumptions are
usually based on emotional reactions and individual biases hence when we
make assumption-based decisions the fact tends to get mixed up with
perceptions and biases that create a distorted view of reality.
By comprehending the first principles of a system we create a factual
knowledge base that we can then use as a realistic and sound basis on which
to build our knowledge on and make inferences.
 
Decisions based on facts are more likely to reflect the true reality of the
situation we seek to address. This principle eliminates bias and assumptions
that can cloud our judgment when deciding which choice is best for
achieving our intended objectives.
 

Bayesian Method
One of the key determinants of the appropriate course of action to take is
the expected result or consequence of the choice that will be made.
Thinking ahead to see the implication of a choice we make today will have
in the future is perhaps the easiest way to determine which choices are
feasible and which should be ruled out from consideration.
 
The Bayesian method is a thought process where one considers all probable
outcomes and scenarios. By adding new information onto the prior
knowledge gained from experiences and updating them, we create a more
realistic expectation and can thus make decisions based on the most likely
outcomes. This method is important because we live in a dynamic world
that changes from one day to the next. By constantly updating our field of
probabilities we can create more realistic simulations on which we can base
our decisions.
 

Occam's Razor
The principle of Occam’s razor is concerned with simplicity as opposed to
complex situations.  It encourages us to focus on simple solutions to
problems before contemplating complex interpretations. When we start with
the simple concepts, we can systematically work our way up to the complex
building our knowledge and cognitive abilities along the way.
 
This law stipulates that the simplest explanation is often correct. Spending
time and energy contemplating complex scenarios may be
counterproductive and frustrating. Basing decisions on simpler logic and
scenarios creates self-confidence by limiting self-doubt and encouraging
one to trust their first instincts. This is the general principle of Occam's
razor.
 

Hanlon's Razor
It is human nature to try and assign blame when things go wrong.
Unfortunately, this way of thinking does not create a solution but results in
needless aggravation and conflicts. By choosing to focus on what will help
us achieve our goals instead and avoiding distractions we are bound to be
more focused and purpose-driven.
 
The principle of Hanlon's razor is mainly a system of thinking that involves
the focus of thoughts on solutions rather than finding fault. In this school of
thought, bad situations are not attributed to malice or evil intentions but
rather to lack of knowledge. When we waste time in paranoid pursuit of
people or situations to blame for our circumstances, we might miss
opportunities by focusing on the non-productive aspect of a situation.
Focusing on finding a solution renders fault-finding irrelevant as we
concentrate on fixing the issue not finding its cause.
 

Reciprocity
This law is based on a principle in physics that stipulates that for every
action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is a multi-disciplinary
law that applies not only in physics but also in biology, human behavior,
and many other fields. We can use this law to comprehend the
consequences of our actions and behavior.
 
The law of reciprocity is perhaps one of the most important laws to employ
in decision making. The understanding that our decisions will undoubtedly
have consequences in the short, as well as long term, should always be at
the back of our minds when we are making a choice. This knowledge will
help us in making responsible and logical choices and ensures that we are
prepared to face the consequences of those decisions.
 

Relativity
The law of relativity originates from the field of physics but has wide utility
across different spheres of life. This theory has multiple uses in different
contexts in physics. The most widely used concept from this law, however,
is the fact that an individual is incapable of fully comprehending a system
of which they are part. In physics, a person in a boat may not physically feel
the motion of the boat but an observer can observe the movement that is
occurring. Similarly, in social situations when a person is in the middle of
an experience or situation, they cannot judge it from an objective
perspective.
 
This principle encourages us to assess situations by using an observer’s
perspective or considering it from the other person’s perspective.  We are
bound to be biased if we have to make a decision that will affect us
directly.  To be truly objective and realistic in our perception we must first
put some physical and mental distance between us and the situation to
achieve some level of neutrality. Making decisions from a position that is
biased is likely to impact negatively on the course of action that we take.
 

Catalysts
A catalyst is a substance that speeds up a chemical reaction but remains
separate from the reaction itself. These can be found in social situations as
well as in science. Identifying catalysts in normal day-to-day life can alter
the course of our achievements and the rate at which we achieve them.
 
When making decisions we should be able to incorporate factors that will
enhance our progress and push us further in the direction we need to go in.
In life, it’s always easy to support and guidance in others. This guidance can
help us in avoiding pitfalls and in picking up best practice strategies that
have helped our peers achieve the same goals that we are also in pursuit of.
 

Leverage
The law leverage is concerned with finding ways to make complex
situations simple. By employing tools and aids either physically or mentally
we can simplify seemingly complex situations and make them easier to
process, understand and solve.
 
Many innovations in engineering have been based on the principle of
leverage. Leverage lightens otherwise heavy loads and makes work easier.
The ability to find leverage in day-to-day life situations is a major
contributor to success. By helping us conserve energy and resources we can
devote the saved energy to other areas and accomplish more than when we
devote all our actions to only one particular task.
 

Inertia
Inertia is a basic physical principle that is related to motion. Inertia
minimizes energy use by limiting motion and action. This is common in the
human condition when we allow ourselves to be moved forward by
circumstances rather than concerted personal effort.
 
Inertia sets in when we feel that we have no control over our circumstance
so we just end up riding the wave and letting it deliver us where it will. This
can be a dangerous way of thinking because we lose control of our actions
and behaviors by letting external forces dictate our course of action and
what happens to us a result. We should always strive to exercise some level
of control over the situations in our lives and take responsibility for what
happens to us by actively making decisions that are in line with our goals
and objectives.
 
 Conclusion
 

 
Thanks for making it through to the end of Mental Models Tools, let’s hope
it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to
achieve your goals, whatever it is that they may be. Just because you’ve
finished this book doesn’t mean there is nothing left to learn on the topic,
and expanding your horizons is the only way to find the mastery you seek.
 
Now that you have made it to the end of this book, you hopefully have an
understanding of how to get started building new mental models, as well as
a strategy or two, or three, that you are anxious to try for the first time.
Before you go ahead and start giving it your all, however, it is important
that you have realistic expectations as to the level of success you should
expect in the near future.
 
While it is perfectly true that some people experience serious success right
out of the gate, it is an unfortunate fact of life that they are the exception
rather than the rule. What this means is that you should expect to
experience something of a learning curve, especially when you are first
figuring out what works for you. This is perfectly normal, however, and if
you persevere you will come out the other side better because of it. Instead
of getting your hopes up to an unrealistic degree, you should think of your
time spent improving your mental models as a marathon rather than a sprint
which means that slow and steady will win the race every single time.
 
  
 
How to Analyze People
The Ultimate Mastery Guide on Mind
Control and Body Language. Learn
How to Read and Influence People at
First Sight Using Psychology and
Manipulation Techniques
 
 
By
Brandon Dark
 Introduction
 

 
Warning!
 
Do not take everything too seriously!
 
I immediately want to clarify one important point.  I do not claim that
everything written in this book is true.  It is as subjective as Christian
teaching, Buddhism, and Darwin’s theory, so take it as a source of practical
advice.  Different people interpret different facial expressions and gestures
—these are the keys to perceiving reality.  Each person builds his own
model of understanding the world, based on religion, philosophy or
scientific data.  Some people do not perceive psychology as a science,
believing that the concept is too simplistic.  I do not demand that you
believe in what I teach and do not claim that my concept is the ultimate
truth.  I simply say: if you use the models I have proposed, you will get
curious results, and in fact, you were striving to do this by opening this
book—to satisfy your curiosity.
 
Now, I take you on an interesting journey into the world of analyzing
people. It involves a number of things, including understanding yourself,
and the various types of people that you will come across. The introduction,
of course, cannot cover all of the concepts. Hence, sit, grab a cola (or
popcorn), and let’s go…
 Chapter 1: Reading Thoughts?!
 

I believe in the ability to read other people's thoughts. I believe one hundred
percent.  There is nothing difficult in this, for me to read the thoughts of
other people is like listening to what they say. And I do not see any mystery
in this. Reading thoughts as naturally as eating or breathing. In fact, we all
read the mind—only, do it unconsciously.  Someone succeeds better,
someone worse, someone uses this talent, and someone does not.  But I’m
sure we can all develop this natural ability.  We know that we read our
thoughts, we know how to do it, which means we can do it better.  That's
what this book is about. But what do I mean by “read minds”? What do I
mean when I say “we do it every day unconsciously”? What is it really?
 
For a start, I will note what does not apply to the process of reading
thoughts in my understanding. In psychology, they call “reading minds” (in
plain English  Mind Reading). The phenomenon is the result of which so
many married couples find themselves at the reception of a psychotherapist
—this happens when partners believe that one should know the thoughts of
the other.
 
“If he really loves me, he should understand that I didn’t want to go to that
party. So what if I said yes? He should have known that I didn’t want it. ”
 
Or:
 
“He doesn’t care about me since he doesn’t understand how I feel.”
 
Requiring another person to know your thoughts is the height of
egocentrism.  No less dangerous is a situation in which a person believes
that he knows the thoughts of another, and in reality, only projects his own
thoughts onto his behavior.
 
"No, she will hate me!"
 
Or:
 
“She smiles as if she’s doing something stupid. As I thought!"
 
Such projection is often called the “Othello error”, and we will consider it
later in this book.
 
Descartes Error
To understand the process of “reading thoughts” and its principles, you
must first define one important concept.  The philosopher, mathematician,
and scientist Rene Descartes, this giant of thought of the XVII century, was
the author of the revolutionary transformations in the field of mathematics
and Western European philosophical thought—the transformations that we
still use today.  Descartes died in 1650 as a result of pneumonia in
Stockholm, where he arrived at the invitation of Queen Christina. Descartes
had a habit peculiar to all French philosophers: to work in his warm and
soft bed. The cold stone floor of a Swedish castle turned out to be a fatal
test for his health.  Among a number of clever thoughts, Descartes
encounters many mistakes.  Shortly before his death, he declared that the
body and mind are different, unrelated things.  It would seem that nothing
could be more stupid than this statement.
 
Of course, even at that time, there were people who understood that
Descartes made a mistake, but their timid voices were drowned in violent
exultation about the “genius” of the scientist.  Only in our time, biologists
and psychologists have been able to prove the exact opposite: that our body
and our brain are inseparable from each other.  However, despite the
scientifically based facts, we still believe in the nonsense, spoken by
Descartes.  Most of us, often unconsciously, draw an invisible boundary
between body and mind.  To understand the content of this book, you will
have to come to terms with the fact that the mind and body of a person are
one, no matter how hard it is to believe.
 
This is a scientifically proven fact.
 
Any thought of yours finds physical expression in your body.  A thought
creates an electrical impulse in brain cells that send signals to each
other. Each signal has its own differences. For example, if this thought has
already crossed your mind, the signal will be familiar and just repeated. A
new thought involves a new constellation of brain cells, which in turn can
trigger the release of hormones in the body or affect the body's autonomic
nervous system, which controls the respiratory processes, pupil size, blood
circulation, sweating, etc.
 
All thoughts somehow affect the body.  Sometimes this influence is
pronounced, sometimes barely noticeable.  For example, when you are
afraid, you experience dry mouth and blood rushes to your leg muscles so
that you can flee as soon as possible.  If, when you see a cashier in the
supermarket, erotic fantasies arise in your head, you will immediately feel
arousal in your body. Even if the physical response is difficult to notice, it is
always present.
 
That is why, judging by the appearance, we can determine how a person
feels, what he thinks and what he fears.  Developing your observation
abilities, you will be able to see something that you just didn’t pay attention
to before.
 
Body and Soul
Each of our thought is reflected in our body.  Just like everything that
happens in our body is reflected in our thoughts. Do not believe? Then see
for yourself by doing this simple exercise.
 
• Grip your teeth tightly.
• Frown your brows.
• Look at one point in front of you.
• Stay in this position for 10 seconds.

In just a few seconds you will feel angry. Why? What you are doing now
usually happens to a person who is angry.  Feelings are not in the head,
no.  Like our thoughts, feelings are born in the body.  Engage the muscles
associated with the emotions—and you activate the senses, begin the mental
process, which in turn will have an impact on your body again. In this case,
we are talking about the autonomic nervous system.  You may not have
noticed that during this exercise, your heart rate increased by 10–15 beats,
the blood rushed to your hands, causing them to become warmer and a
slight tingling appeared in them.  How did it happen?  When you did the
exercise, you told your nervous system that you were angry.  Voilà!  She
immediately responded properly.
 
The principle works in both directions.  If you think this is not surprising,
everything is simple and logical. Thinking, we influence our body. Acting,
we influence our thoughts. If it still seems strange to you, perhaps the fact is
that you understand a physical object as a body, and a process as a thought,
then our body and our thoughts are a single biological process. Believe me,
Descartes was wrong!
 
Unconscious
As I said, our body and our mind interact, moreover, they are one. Realizing
this fact, we are a few steps closer to learning to analyze the thoughts of
other people.  Moreover, for this, you first need to learn how to observe
other people and notice even minor physical reactions.  In my
understanding, reading thoughts means seeing a physical reflection of the
processes occurring inside a person.  Some of its characteristics remain
unchanged (addition, posture, voice timbre), but much changes during the
conversation—the system of variable linguistic signs (body movements,
gestures, glance, intonation and speech rate), which we call non-verbal
communication.
 
It's hard to believe, but most of the communication between two people
happens without words.  Words make up only 10 percent in relation to the
whole process of communication, the remaining 90 percent is a sign
language and voice intonation.  The paradox is that we still pay attention
mainly to what we were told and in what expressions, and not how it was
said. In other words, non-verbal communication is often not recognized by
people and is perceived just as unconsciously.
 
How so,  you ask.  “Is it possible to communicate without realizing it?”
Naturally, it is possible.  When talking, we focus all our attention on
words. We do not look at how the pupils of the interlocutor move, how his
expression changes, what gestures he makes. Only in exceptional cases, the
obvious signs (for example, anger: clenched fists, frowning eyebrows) is
simply impossible to miss.  Without realizing it, a person receives various
information all the time (hidden suggestions, hints, questions, wishes), but
does not pay attention to it, and therefore simply cannot use it, and in fact
all of it goes straight to that part of the brain where his unconscious fears,
prejudices, unconscious ideas about the world, which in the future may play
a cruel joke on his subconscious.
 
It is time to notice that a person communicates with his whole body, and not
just with words. Every gesture, every eye movement or change in voice is a
message for his interlocutor.  The brain perceives all these signals (tone,
smells, gestures, words), transforms them into non-verbal, unconscious
messages, from which the response behavior is formed.  Often a person,
without even realizing it, gives unexpected and illogical answers—directly
opposite to those that the interlocutor expects from him. This is actually the
work of the subconscious. That is why we are able to understand that a kind
person in words does not really like us—our subconscious mind perceives
hostile signals.
 
But the system, which is called the subconscious, processes so much
information, so much has to accept and understand that it is not surprising
when it stimulates erroneous conclusions.  A person simply cannot
physically see everything, discern all nuances and interpret all signals, and
this leads him to misunderstandings and wrong judgments.  To save you
from unnecessary fears, this book will always come to your aid.
 
You already know how to do it, but there is no limit to perfection.
Let's see what we do (consciously or not) in the process of communicating
with each other.  To learn to analyze people, it is necessary to correctly
interpret the signals that others unknowingly send, and to control their own
to avoid misunderstanding. The quality of communication depends on your
choice of those linguistic characters that are most easily understood and can
be correctly interpreted by your interlocutor.  But aerobatics will be the
ability to send signals that will tune people to go in the direction you
specified and to desire what you want from them.  Do you think this is
immoral? But you already do it. Unconsciously. The only difference is that
now you do not know what kind of signals you are sending and how they
affect your environment.
 
It is time to change this. And I can help you with this. In this book, all the
knowledge that you can easily put into practice in achieving your goals is
presented in an accessible form. I just bought a bunk bed for my children in
IKEA. If, in addition to it, they gave me an eleven-page instruction, where
on the first ten pages it would be told how wonderful it is to have a bed, and
on the eleventh, it would be: “You have everything you need to make a
bed! Feel free to start and don’t forget the mattress,” I would be upset, and
with a screwdriver in my hand, I would be useful for the first Ikea employee
I came across.  Unfortunately, most books are exactly like this imaginary
instruction. Throughout the book, the author promises to tell you how to do
it in order to achieve results but does not teach the reader anything. We still
don't know what to do,  to become better than we are.  I hope my book is
different because I set a goal to make it as simple and practical as the
instruction for Ikea furniture.  After reading the book to the end, you will
understand what I mean.  You can try out different methods of reading
thoughts and assemble your communication model (and you will not need a
screwdriver).
 
And the last thing: everything that is contained in this book is not invented
by me. Giants of thought such as Milton H. Erickson, Richard Bendler and
John Grinder, Desmond Morris and Paul Ekman, Ernest Dichter, Vance
Peckard, William Sargent, Philip Zimbardo, William James, and others have
come up with it all before me. Without them, this book would not exist.
 
Let's start!
 Chapter 2: Rapport – What it is and Why
it is Needed?
 

 
First of all, learning to analyze the thoughts of other people is necessary in
order to create rapport.  This concept has nothing to do with the military
word "report", nor to the journalistic report.  Rapport is an internationally
accepted term used to describe non-verbal communication that we will
use.  We establish rapport when communicating with people, regardless of
whether it is friendly communication or business, the presentation of a new
project or a flirt with a pretty cashier in a supermarket. In all these cases, to
succeed, we need to establish rapport.
 
The French word "rapport" comes from "rapprochement", which in
translation means "the creation (re-creation) of harmony and friendship in a
relationship."  In other words, to establish rapport is to create a trusting
relationship with another person, to encourage him to cooperate with us,
sympathize with us, empathize and share his thoughts. A useful skill, isn't
it?
 
Rapport is the basis of good communication, in any case, if you want your
words to be listened to.  If you want to transfer a message or a request to
another person (even if this other one is your child whom you ask to unload
the dishwasher) without first installing rapport, then you cannot count on
being heard.  Rapport is a guarantee of a good relationship (not excluding
love relationships), without it, do not even try to start flirting—all the same,
it will not work.
 
We are always trying to establish rapport with the people around us, and we
succeed in this, then not. After examining successful cases, we can learn to
establish rapport even with people opposed to us.  Paradoxically, but most
often our career, future, and even personal life depend precisely on people
who dislike us. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the main boss at least once in
his life understood what you mean and what your offer is, and would start
to have a little respect for you?
 
“What does rapport have to do with analyzing people?”—you ask.  The
most immediate.  Watching people and creating rapport, you learn to see
more: how they think, how they look at the world, how they feel. It is at this
moment that the reading of thoughts begins.
 
The Basic Rule of Establishing Rapport
You will be surprised to know how simple it is. Do not rush to laugh: this
rule is based on a deep understanding of how a person functions.  So, the
main rule of creating rapport: you need to adapt to the communication that
your interlocutor performs. The one who worked in the field of advertising
knows that in it the rules of the game are always determined by the end-
user. The same is present in communication, and now we will look at it in
more detail.
 
Adjusting to another person, you get two advantages at once.  Firstly, it is
easier for your interlocutor to understand what you are talking about
because you speak a similar language of non-verbal communication.  His
subconscious mind is not trying to translate your signals into conceptual
symbols, because both of you already speak the same language.  The
interlocutor no longer needs to “filter” the information coming from you,
which means that the risk of misunderstanding is approaching zero.
 
The second advantage is that the interlocutor begins to sympathize with
you.  This is easily explained: by adjusting to the other person’s
communication, you are showing that you are like him (or her). And people
like those who are like them.  Who do we love more than anything
else?  That's right, myself.  And who else do we love besides
ourselves?  Those who are like us.  We want to communicate with people
like us who look at the world through our eyes, who like the same things as
we do. Studies show that we recruit people who are similar in character to
us.  We choose close friends of people with whom we are just as
comfortable as with ourselves.
 
Here it is time to make a small digression.  When advising to adapt to the
interlocutor at the beginning of communication, I do not urge you to forget
about your own personality.  People in one way or another must adapt to
each other, but without prejudice to their own personality. It is necessary to
forget about selfishness and be the first to take the initiative (to adjust)
because you know this, why do you need a good relationship with this
person, and not he (she). This is the same polite gesture as speaking to your
neighbors in English, and not in Spanish.  It is you who choose the more
convenient way of communication for the interlocutor.  Mirroring  the
interlocutor (repeating his movements, copying him), you kind of join his
thoughts and feelings.  Speaking with a neighbor in English, even when
Spanish is your first language, you tell him: “I am the same as you. You can
rely on me. I understand you".
 
By installing rapport, you can gradually change your behavior to cause
corresponding changes in the interlocutor's behavior. Now there is no need
to follow another person slavishly—he will follow you with pleasure. This
is how good rapport works.  In turn, we adjust to each other, in scientific
terms, we perform the connection and the maintenance.
 
You will see for yourself that communication in English with a foreigner
will be easier than in your own language, and you will very soon find
mutual understanding.  Try to speak persistently with the Englishman in
Spanish, and he will begin to feel a clear dislike for you. But when rapport
is already installed, the foreigner will not mind trying to communicate with
you in his clumsy Spanish.
 
The one with whom you managed to establish rapport is more receptive to
your ideas and suggestions. This is not surprising, because you yourself are
always together with those you like. When rapport is set, the person you
like will listen to your words and agree with them, wondering how you
managed to read his own thoughts.  To be against you for him will be
tantamount to being against yourself.
 
By installing rapport, you can begin to manipulate the interlocutor.  Your
goal is to bring him into a mood where he will be most positive about all
your ideas and suggestions.  Speaking of "manipulation", I do not mean
anything bad.  It is only about preparing a person for making the decision
you need, and not about the team or order. Nothing will force a person to
accept your offer if he is sharply opposed to it, but with the established
rapport, he will continue to feel sympathy for you, whereas in the absence
of rapport he could dislike you.  No, we do not control anyone, do not
deceive anyone, do not program with our ideas or views.  We only create
positive relations for all participants, within the framework of which we can
communicate in the same language and achieve favorable conditions for all
parties. Our goal is to make the interlocutor appreciate all the advantages of
our proposal and make the right decision.  And we achieve it using the
timbre of the voice and body language.
 
When You Need Rapport
It's never too late to install rapport.  For example, you have a very bad
relationship with someone, and you want to fix it. Start installing rapport at
your next appointment.  Of course, at one time it is difficult to change the
situation, but, continuing the attempts at each new meeting, you will soon
begin to notice changes for the better.  Of course, there are people with
whom it is almost impossible to establish rapport and with whom you do
not want to have any relations. This also happens, and this is normal. It is
not necessary to install rapport with everyone.
 
I have already mentioned several situations when you need to install
rapport, and here are some more examples:
 
•              when you want to improve relations with your partner (and finally
understand exactly what he/she has been trying to tell you all these
years);
 
•        when you want to regain the respect of your children (which you have
lost);
 
•        when you are in contact with the authorities;
 
•              when you encounter people you depend on, people who can cause
you trouble, for example, at work, in a bank or in a foreign land;
 
•              when someone calls you and offers to buy something (here we are
talking more about anti-rapport);
  
•        when you go to a job interview.
 
Why Does Rapport Work?
If I like you, then you will like me.
Moreover, if you like me, you will want to be with me.
At work in general, it is very important to be able to install rapport.  An
American expert on the activities of the organization Elaina Zucker says:
“You have to constantly fight for resources, often with your own
colleagues. In this case, you just need to have a good relationship with the
key figures responsible for the allocation of resources.
 
To succeed in a management position, you need to be an open and friendly
companion.  A boss who "bends his line" without listening to anyone
around, risks pushing away from himself both his subordinates and other
leaders.  Today, the chiefs require competent management of people, and
without rapport, it is impossible to implement.
 
To sell innovative and creative solutions, you must first be a good
communicator.  No matter how good your ideas may be, they will not be
useful if you do not know how to convince people. Usually, at work, you
have people below you through the ranks and above you. In both cases, it
will be useful for you to install rapport in order to achieve your goal.
 
In horizontal organizations, you have more responsibility than real power,
and the key to success in them is cooperation between colleagues.  This is
where rapport comes in handy. Your talents, your professional experience,
your skills—all this is nothing compared to your ability to establish
rapport. The situation in the labor market today is changing every day. At
any moment you can be offered a new interesting job, but no one needs an
expert who cannot communicate. ”
 
You already know how.  Remember that you unconsciously already use
many of the methods I’m talking about, you just don’t notice it.  And for
sure you can do it better, you just need to pull out the hidden abilities into
the light and polish them until they shine like gems.  After that, you can
again return them to the subconscious. That is why you do not need to be
afraid of redundant information in this book: you already know almost
everything, you just need to practice a little. I suggest doing this as follows.

The First Stage: Unconscious Ignorance

Classic example: a bicycle. “I don’t know how to ride a bicycle and I don’t
know what it means to ride a bicycle.”

The Second Stage: Conscious Ignorance

“I don’t know how to ride a bike, but I know what it is and I know that I
don’t know how to do it.”

The Third Stage: Conscious Knowledge

"I can ride a bike, but I need to concentrate."

Fourth Stage: Unconscious Knowledge

"I can ride a bike and do it with ease."

Real learning begins in the fourth stage, where you are. But we will have to
go back a step to hone existing skills and acquire new ones. You need to go
again from the third stage to the fourth. And you have time. Gradually, you
will bring the exercises to automatism, that is, you will proceed to the
fourth stage.
 
Do not try to do everything at once.  Thoughtfully and slowly work on
yourself.  Enjoy the process!  Learn new things!  I assure you that you will
like it as soon as you understand how easy and interesting it is!
 
 Chapter 3: Rapport in Practice—Use
Unconscious Communication Consciously
 
 
 
Take a deep breath.  From this chapter and from the following, you will
receive so much information in the form of facts, methods, and techniques
of establishing rapport. You will learn everything that you may need, from
body language to life views.  Of course, you will have to put all this into
practice, and the sooner you start, the better. But only without haste: do the
exercise in the rhythm in which you are comfortable.
 
Do not be afraid to be "caught in the act" when trying to establish rapport. I
assure you that no one will object to communicate with a pleasant and
amiable companion who thinks the same way.
 
Move the Body! How to Use Body Language
I have already said that we create rapport, adapting to the interlocutor. We
do this in several ways.  First, mirroring the movement of the interlocutor,
that is, using body language.  I myself do not like the expression "body
language".  The word “language” evokes associations with what can be
learned from textbooks and dictionaries. Of course, there are textbooks of
body language. In them, you can read that the little finger set aside means
this, and tapping with your left foot — this. Unfortunately, things are not as
simple as they seem.  Our gestures mean different things in different
situations. For example, you probably heard that folded hands on the chest
mean “doubt/disbelief,” but this completely ignores the context in which a
person performs this action.
 
You yourself probably thought that the interlocutor, crossing his arms over
his chest, thus demonstrates how angry he is. But it was possible that at that
moment he was cold and he crossed his arms to warm himself.  Or it was
just easier for him to stand with arms folded across his chest. To find out the
true thoughts of a person, not enough crossed hands, you need to look for
other signals. Is he tense or relaxed? What is his facial expression? Is it cold
or warm in the room? Did you argue up to this point or peacefully talked?
 
That is why I do not like the phrase "body language".  I would replace it
with another concept, such as “body communication,” although it sounds a
bit awkward.  But I will not overload the already overused dictionary of
psychologists and use the fact that there is. Just let us agree: the term "body
language" implies much more than just crossed arms or a pinky set aside.
 

Mirroring and Joining

How to use body language to establish rapport? Everything is very simple:
you need to repeat, you must become the echo of your
interlocutor.  How?  Carefully observe the interlocutor: how he holds his
back, how his hands are folded, etc., and do the same.  If a person moves
with one hand, you repeat the movement.  This can be done in two ways,
which are called joining (match, from  English. Match—matching) and
mirroring.  Often, both methods are called attachment, since they have the
same effect. You can choose the method depending on the behavior of the
interlocutor.  If the interlocutor moves his right hand, you also move the
right hand—this is a connection, it is convenient to use it when you are in
close proximity to your interlocutor, for example, sitting next to him. When
mirroring, you react with the opposite side of your body: it moves with your
right hand, with your left hand, like a reflection in a mirror.  Mirroring is
good to use when you are standing or sitting against each other.
 
Your reaction must be very subtle.  If you repeat the movements of the
interlocutor too explicitly, he will naturally find such an abrupt change in
contrast to your usual behavior strange and unnatural. If you suddenly begin
to copy the movements of the interlocutor, then you will not be able to
install rapport, because a person will have doubts about your mental state. It
is necessary to adapt to the interlocutor carefully and imperceptibly. Move
in small steps.  Determine the rhythm, relying on the reaction of the
interlocutor. If he looks interested and relaxed, you can safely resort to the
technique of joining or mirroring.
 
At the beginning of communication, you can use the so-called
representative system.  This means that you repeat the movement of the
interlocutor to a small extent (that is, coding, masking them). This way, the
other person will not notice that you are trying to adapt to him (her).
 
Another way to mask your actions is to slow them down (for example, to
pause before repeating the interlocutor’s action). Subconscious counterparts
will register your actions and interpret them correctly, while he himself will
not notice your attempt to establish rapport. You can also copy the
expression of the interlocutor.  A man, after all, cannot see what he looks
like at the moment of conversation with you.  However, his face often
reflects thoughts and emotions (body and mind are interrelated—do not
forget about it). Seeing your expression, he realizes that you feel the same
as he does. Since we do not see our face, we will not be able to notice that
someone copies his expression.  It is only necessary to make sure that the
person’s facial expression is accurately interpreted. Some people look angry
or sad at the moment when they are just relaxed. Only then will everything
look natural.
 
Try to adjust to the rhythm of the movements of your interlocutor.  Your
movements should be interactive, like during a handshake: a slow-moving
person is shaken slowly, and vice versa. Other movements (for example, a
nod of the head) should also be performed in the rhythm characteristic of
the other person. 
 

Do Not Think Too Much

As I already wrote, our actions are not uniquely interpreted by different
people, but still, each person is inclined to use the same gestures in similar
situations. Do not try to interpret the gestures of another person at the first
meeting, instead just watch.  Mark the movements, but do not rush to
conclusions: this does not mean that your interlocutor is nervous.  After
some time you will learn to associate a certain movement with the state of a
person.  Having mastered the body language of your interlocutor, you will
soon notice that you began to guess his next word. Here is the reading and
analyzing of thoughts. You can begin!
 
Watching other people, you will notice what they themselves do not notice
—changes in their body language.  For example, when we are afraid, our
face pales. When we are confused, we blush, but the face does not always
blush, sometimes only the ears or the forehead blush.
 
Body Language as Medicine
As I said, one of the goals of establishing rapport is the ability to force a
person to do what you want, or rather, to bring him to it. Rapport creates all
conditions for the fulfillment of your desires, unless, of course, there will be
a disconnection. Remember: changing the interlocutor's body language, you
change his attitude towards you.  Body and mind are interrelated—what
happens in the body is interpreted in the head.
 
This circumstance can be used to improve relationships with friends and
relatives. You can easily do it yourself. For example, you have a friend who
often suffers from bouts of melancholy without particularly compelling
reasons (for example, the salary was delayed or the day was overcast). Try
to repeat the language of his body, but more hidden (restrained)
movements. It is necessary to install rapport and make a friend understand
that you are with him, that you know what he is like.  When rapport is
established, begin to change the signs of body language to more open, more
positive ones, and do it gradually.  Straighten your back, move your arms,
smile. You will see, your friend will soon begin to repeat after you. Feel that
the contact is lost—go back a step and start again.  Move carefully: two
steps forward, one step back.
 
Changing the body language of a sad person, you changed his mood. There
is no trace of melancholy. It is difficult to go with a straight back and smile
while maintaining a bad mood. Try it yourself and see for yourself!
 
However, remember, this technique does not help if a person has really
severe depression. Then he just needs to cry. Suffering is a state of the body
that allows you to save energy, while our brain thinks over the situation and
is looking for a way out. If you try to establish rapport with a person in a
state of deep depression, you can stop him from handling the situation that
is necessary to get out of depression.  Rapport will help only with mild
sadness.
 
At first, it may seem to you that you are doing something unnatural, that it
is not you, but someone else who is trying to establish rapport.  But
remember how you learned to ride a bike. At first, it was difficult, but soon
you were already boldly pedaling, not understanding how this simplest
occupation could seem so difficult. This is how the fourth stage is reached
when cycling has become an unconscious knowledge, a part of the person
himself, as he becomes a part of the technique of creating rapport. You just
need to start.
 
How Do You Use Your Voice?
An important rapport creation tool is your own voice.  The secret is the
same: you imitate the interlocutor's intonations and the rhythm of his
speech.  Of course, this should be done carefully (not so clearly) and
gradually, as with signs of body language, and it is not necessary to create a
one-hundred-percent copy, because your companion will seem strange if
you suddenly speak to a tee like him. Moreover, it is very difficult to imitate
someone else’s voice, which is why there are so few people capable of
imitating the speech of famous people. But you can always find one feature
that you can imitate.

Tone
Is the voice low or high? Men often have a low voice, and women have a
high voice, and this is influenced by the culture of the society in which we
live. It seems to women that they should speak in a feminine way, that is, in
a high and clear voice, while men are trying with all their might to make
their voices low and coarse. As a result, we often speak with undue effort,
indistinct and inexpressive.

Depth
Interesting fact: we believe that a deep, low voice belongs to a serious
person who can be trusted, while a high voice is associated with female
frivolity or childishness.
Melody
A monotonous voice does not change in the course of a speech, even in
interrogative or exclamatory sentences.  Therefore, it is often difficult to
understand what a person with such a voice really means: is he joking or
speaking seriously?  Asks or approves?  Opposite to him is considered a
melodious voice, rich in iridescent, melodious and expressive.
 

Pace
Does the person speak quickly or slowly?  We speak at the same pace in
which we think, and if you speak too slowly, your interlocutor gets tired and
starts thinking about something else. In the worst case, he can’t wait until
you are finally done.  If you speak too quickly, there is a risk that your
partner will not have time to catch all the important points.

Strength Volume
I recommend choosing this particular role to follow.  The one who speaks
softly and gently will appreciate if you will do the same (this also applies to
a loud, resonant voice). By the way, if you want your interlocutor to speak
more quietly, you need to try to speak even louder—and he will
immediately pay attention to the timbre of his voice (usually people do not
notice this).
 
As you can see, there are many characteristics in the voice that can be
repeated.  The best thing is probably to start at a pace: rapport depends
largely on the synchronization of movements—and the pace can stimulate a
good result.  Some argue that the pace of speech is a crucial tool in
establishing rapport. I do not know if they are right or not, but the voice, for
example, is very important when talking on the phone, because then it is our
only tool for establishing contact with the interlocutor.
 
In the United States, one study was conducted, ordered by a company that
sold goods over the telephone.  They sold a newspaper subscription and
wanted to increase the number of customers.  For the experiment, the
employees were divided into two groups: one continued to work, as before,
the other received orders to speak at the same pace as the person on the
other end of the line.  With only this difference in the technology of
negotiations, the second group increased the number of sales by 30
percent.  The first group sold the same amount as before the
experiment.  Agree, 30 percent is not bad at all, especially when this
indicator depends on whether you speak slowly or quickly.
 
Exercise on the Movement
1. When you next visit a restaurant, pay attention to the people between
whom rapport is established. Choose a couple of lovers or a couple of old
friends and see how they talk to each other in turn, how they copy their
body language, how they understand each other perfectly.
 
2. Pay attention to their postures: most likely, they will even sit in the same
way.
 
3. On the bus, tram or subway car, try to guess who are traveling
together. Hint: they will sit the same and move the same. You always figure
out a loving couple or friends, even if they were not able to sit next to each
other in a crowded bus.
 

Exercises for the Shy

If you still feel shy to repeat the interlocutor's movements, try the following
exercises.
 
1. Watch talk shows on TV. Take the same pose as the speaker and repeat
his movements. Soon you will notice that you are guessing what this person
will say in the next moment.  There is nothing strange in this: movements
express our thoughts.  Repeating movement after someone, you start the
same mental processes in yourself and start to think and feel like him.
 
2. Try to set rapport at a distance. While in a public place, select a person at
the other end of the room and begin to repeat his or her body
language.  After a couple of minutes, he (or she) could easily come up to
you and ask: "We are not familiar with each other?" But how else? After all,
you are a mirror image of this person.  Therefore, it is better to choose
someone with whom you would be pleased to communicate, and not some
nasty type. This method can be used to get acquainted with a beautiful girl
(a handsome young man).
 
3. You can get rid of the fear of “being caught at the scene of a crime” by
letting the other person talk about themselves.  While he speaks
enthusiastically about himself, you openly copy the signs of his body
language, occasionally repeating "yup" and "uh", showing interest.  When
we talk about ourselves (and also when we are very angry), we abstract
away from the outside world.  At such a moment we are talking about
ourselves and for ourselves, not noticing anyone or anything around.
 
What Gives Us Away?
Our Expressions
It will be a question of directly relating to verbal communication, but once
again, I want to draw your attention to this.  We all use the language
differently: everyone has their own favorite words and expressions, the list
of which I quote below. Here they can be copied, and it is quite plausible.
 

Slang
Slang words and expressions are difficult to copy because their use is
determined by geographic, age and fashion trends. Slang is changing every
day, and the fact that it sounded so “cool” yesterday, today is sent “to
crap.”  If you are free to navigate the expressions your interlocutor uses,
then feel free to copy it. But if you have no idea what "shoelaces" means,
then it is better not to: you can go crazy. Slang also symbolizes belonging to
a certain group (for example, age group), and in some cases, only those who
are admitted to the group can use slang words, so you risk causing the anger
of the interlocutor.

Professional Slang
Often, in a conversation on a particular topic, we need special words and
terms. Each area has its own professional jargon. These special words will
help you gain the confidence of the interlocutor. It is only important not to
overdo it: use just as much jargon as the counterpart does in conversation. If
you understand computers perfectly and your interlocutor pokes a finger at
the screen with the words: “This thing doesn’t work,” you shouldn’t go into
the technical details, just ask if he tried to press the green button.
 

Personal Features
Although we spend much of our life at school and at the university, few of
us speak the way it is recommended in language textbooks.  We all just
adore the words-parasites. No matter how awful they sound, if your
interlocutor uses them, then you will have to.
 
Remember, we speak at the same speed as we think.  If you speak slowly,
your interlocutor is bored with you. Speak too fast—he does not have time
to follow the course of your thoughts. Therefore, you need to speak at one
pace, convenient for you and your interlocutor.
 

Favorite words
We all have favorite buzzwords.  We use them often and in a variety of
situations.  These can be slang words, jargon and even swear words.  We
usually adopt them from other people. Sometimes we ourselves do not like
such frequent use, and, once again catching ourselves on the word “drop
dead”, we exclaim: “We must finally get rid of this terrible expression!” But
there are other, less noticeable words. Milton H. Erickson, one of the gurus
of modern hypnotherapy, calls them "trans words." No, this is not related to
transvestites, but to a hypnotic trance. You can very quickly install rapport,
repeating trans words of a person. Speaking in his language, you show that
you are set up just like him, and therefore you understand him.
 
It seems to you, I demand from you the impossible?  Is it possible at the
same time to imitate the voice, look for special words and repeat them and
at the same time not forget what you, in fact, were going to say? Believe
me, this is not as difficult as it seems. I have already said that unconsciously
you repeat the body language of the interlocutor, the same with voice and
manner of speaking.  You are already doing this, which can be
demonstrated. Remember the following situation. You end up talking on a
cell phone, hang up, and everyone in the room knows who you just talked
to (and you didn’t call your interlocutor by name).  Nevertheless, they
guessed it.  Do you recognize the situation?  They understood who you
communicated with because you spoke like him that is, adjusted to his
manner of speaking. Most likely it was an old friend with whom you have
rapport.  We all want  to be accepted and respected.  We are all looking for
social communication. We all want to create rapport.
 

Breathe, Patience, Breathe

One of the main rules for establishing rapport is proper breathing. However,
most non-verbal communication specialists forget to tell you how difficult it
really is to adapt to the breath of another person—a breath that we do not
see. This requires a lot of training, but it is possible, and it needs to be done.
 
Observe how a person breathes, deeply or superficially, with his chest or
diaphragm—this is visible in his stomach, chest, shoulders, and
neck.  Listen to the interlocutor's speech: in the pauses in a conversation,
you can understand how often he breathes in the air.
 
Why do I need to imitate the interlocutor's breath? To adapt to the rhythms
of his body.  Changing the rhythm of breathing, you automatically change
the rhythm of speech and body movements, and this helps to establish
rapport.
 
If you manage to completely synchronize your breath with the interlocutor's
breath, then a truly magical connection will arise between
you.  Unfortunately, it is too difficult to do.  This is hampered by physical
differences.  My ex-wife is 160 cm tall. When we were married, she
weighed 47 kg. My height is 179 cm, weight 73 kg. In addition, she inhaled
less air than I did. I could not imitate her breathing for more than a minute,
because I was beginning to choke. When adjusting to the breath of another
person, try not to overwork.
 
I have already said that you need to adapt to the body language of your
partner so that the rapport between you is not interrupted. Before you copy
your partner's breath, feel his rhythm, try to just breathe in that rhythm, and
not repeat every breath of your interlocutor.  The most important thing is
synchronization at a basic level, the rest will come later.
 
By breathing, you can also determine the mood of a person.  This may be
necessary for a situation where rapport is installed, but you feel that
something is wrong with the other person.  Listen to his breath.  If he
breathes intermittently and quickly, although outwardly he seems calm, it
means he does not want to give out his excitement.  This can say a
lot. Different emotions are associated with different types of breathing.
 

Cozy Exercise
If you have a person, you can hug at any time (for example, a
wife/husband), then hug him tightly and listen to his breathing. Breathe to
the beat.  Change the rhythm.  If your partner unknowingly changed the
rhythm of breathing, it means that you managed to establish rapport.
 
Martin Nyurap and Ian Harling in their book Equilibrium offer to try it
without clothes. If you are so lucky that you have someone hugging without
clothes, try to synchronize the breath. Now, on the contrary, breathe faster
or slower than your partner. You will notice transitions in their mood—from
a sense of community and almost to dislike—despite the fact that you,
naked, hug each other.
 

Think About Energy

Imagine that you see your interlocutor from a short distance, the whole
thing. Using this technique, one can determine the energy level of a person
by his posture, breathing, and other factors. Some people are more passive
in the first half of the day—their activity is awakened after dinner.  In the
morning they come to work, mumble "good-naturedly" and flop down on a
chair, showing with their whole appearance that they should be left alone at
least until 11–12. And only after lunch and the fifth cup of coffee, they get
out of their shells and begin to communicate with others.  This does not
mean that they do not work well, no, this only means that they need to
warm up properly before actively contacting other people. Sometimes even
five cups of coffee help. These are typical representatives of the “Oysters”, 
and for them, it is a completely natural state.
 
Then there is another type of people—the exact opposite of Oysters. These
people are always full of energy, like  Duracell batteries.  They run in the
mornings, come to work half an hour before everyone else, smile widely,
and at lunch run to play a game of squash.
 
I once worked with a colleague who had six children. He came, or rather,
came to work on a bicycle half an hour before everyone else, and all this
time he was engaged in recording video of children on DVDs, which he
took over the weekend, printed out covers and signed to see where the
movie was.  He is not an Oyster, he is a typical Rabbit from
a Duracell battery advertisement.
 
Maybe you are one of those who come to work full of energy and the desire
to create and find there sleepy, tired colleagues whose help is simply
necessary, then you have to reduce your activity. Do not show an excess of
enthusiasm, at least at the beginning. You should not suddenly fly up to a
colleague and happily slap him on the shoulder so that he spills coffee on
the keyboard and completely spoils the mood. If you are a slow and drowsy
person by nature, then you need to cheer up in time so as not to get on
other’s nerves. And believe me, there are ways to deal with the problem of
drowsiness.
 
You only need to conduct a detailed analysis of your communication
tools.  Remember, we talked about observing, mirroring and establishing
rapport?  Maybe eight in the morning is not the best time to present your
ideas to the boss.  It may be better to make an appointment after dinner
when your partner is more inclined to talk.  If this is not possible, try to
adjust to the rhythm of the person you are talking to.  Otherwise, you and
your ideas will meet not the warmest welcome.
 

Speak Like You Really Mean It

Be consistent in your words and non-verbal cues.
 
Speaking with another person, we influence him, whether we like it or
not. Sometimes we do it intentionally, for example, when we are trying to
piss off or cheer someone.  Statements requiring a reaction may be as
follows:
 
"You heard that ...", or
"This nasty Mel Gibson!", or
“You know what happened ?!”, or
"I love you".
 
With our own statements, we can unconsciously cause a person to a variety
of associations and reactions.  For example, asking “How are you?” We
never know what the answer will be. A person can take and pour out all his
grief.
 
Our mood can also affect others. If we are happy, then everyone around us
is also happy. We are sad—and others are sad too. Often we ask people to
change:
 
"Get a hold of yourself!"
"Take it easy!"

In order to act more strongly, one must simultaneously with words produce
actions convincing the interlocutor of the seriousness of your intentions. If
you want to calm someone down, you should not take him by the shoulders
and shake with a cry “When will you finally calm down?”. To do this, you
must first calm down yourself. Parents of babies understand how hard it is,
but even with children, it works. “You must be tired,” is the way to speak,
accompanying the words with a yawn.
 
In this case, you need to radiate peace of mind, speak quietly, make smooth
body movements, breathe evenly. To give someone confidence, you need to
act confidently. Acting this way, you give the interlocutor's mind a hint, an
example: you show with your appearance that it is possible to attain the
desired state.  There is a mutual understanding on a personal level.  When
you talk about something, you analyze;  when you act, you create
impressions, sometimes very strong.  Think for yourself: would you prefer
to talk about a kiss or get a kiss?
 
If your words mean one thing, and body language and voice mean another,
the person will prefer to listen to the non-verbal message. If someone shouts
“Calm down!”, You will not listen to the words, but to the feelings that this
cry will cause.  It is unlikely that you calm down, rather, on the contrary,
you get into a little more nervousness.  To do this, do not even need to be
able to read minds.
 
Fun Exercise
Remember, I wrote how to improve the mood of a friend using body
language? This is possible due to the fact that our body and our mind are
interconnected.  The same principle can be used to change your own
mood.  You just need to start behaving as if you are already having
fun.  Imagine what your expression would be, how you would stand and
move if you had a good mood.  At first, this may seem like a strange
activity, but very soon you will notice that you feel a surge of positive
energy.  Body movements activate processes in the mind, and voilà!  Your
mood has improved!
 
American psychologist William James in the past century said the
following: “Actions influence feelings—it seems to us, but in fact, action
and feeling are one and the same.  By having a direct effect on the body’s
response, we simultaneously have an indirect effect on our emotional
reactions. ”
 
Want to be fun—pretend that everything is just super, smile, chat and laugh
as if you have never had so much fun!
 
The Noble Ability to Agree
Another important tool for establishing rapport is to agree with the
interlocutor in everything. I know it sounds trite, but let's take a closer look
at it. Try to find something in the words of the interlocutor, with which you
absolutely agree. This is especially important if you want to convince him
later, make him change his mind. An attempt to explain to the interlocutor
what his mistake is will meet strong resistance and rejection of your
ideas. Instead of listening to you, he will begin to defend himself. (Do not
forget that man is the only creature on the planet who is ready to kill for the
sake of his views.) Therefore, do not call anyone to argue.  Rapport is
needed to convince people of the following: you understand them, you are
just like them, and you share their views.
 
Of course, it is not worthwhile to sacrifice your own principles and
views.  You only need to find in the words of the interlocutor something
with which you can agree.  For example, you and your interlocutor have
nothing in common, except for the love of boats or fishing. Or both of you
are playing the same computer game. Even if it seems to you that the other
person does not understand anything at all, you can always mentally put
yourself in his place and imagine how you would feel if you did not
understand anything from the conversation.  Even if you have to
communicate with Pol Pot (who destroyed millions of representatives of his
own people), you can still imagine yourself in his place.  The phrase “If I
were you in this situation, I would have thought the same thing” can work
wonders. In fact, you only say one thing: if you were your interlocutor for
yourself, you would behave the same.
The same principle is used in Japanese aikido combat. With the words “You
are mistaken,” you break the mental connection between you and your
opponent, and then your struggle becomes unproductive.  Instead of
standing up opposite, you stand by and say: “I think the same thing.” Now
you can use all the energy not to overcome the resistance of the enemy, but
to achieve your goal.  Instead of being an obstacle, you take the lead
role. And your opponent absolutely does not mind, because you no longer
need to find out who is right and who is to blame.  You together, between
you installed rapport.  Between you a complete understanding.  In aikido,
this means not getting in the way of the energy of another person, but using
it for your own purposes to defeat the enemy.
 
Shakespeare for the President
To a greater or lesser extent, our reality consists of what we ourselves think
is true.  Therefore, by influencing the ideas about the reality of another
person, we change it in the most direct way.  To politicians, this truth has
long been known. It is better to first accept the views of those in opposition,
and only then propose changes. In the play of Shakespeare "Julius Caesar"
Brutus, the closest ally of Caesar is accused of killing the dictator, and
accused, with good reason. “And you, Brutus”—remember? But at Caesar’s
funeral, Brutus delivers a fiery speech and convinces people that he has
done a great service with his act.  Brutus loved Caesar very much, but he
saw that his madness would lead the people to poverty and misery.  The
murder was the only way to prevent this.
 
Well, how can you not believe Brutus? The people are ready to believe and
forgive, but behind the scenes, Mark Antony is plotting new intrigues. He,
too, must give a speech at the funeral, and more than anything, he wants
Brutus to be convicted of murder. To achieve this, Mark Antony will speak
last, after Brutus, already knowing what he said in his defense. When Marc
Anthony begins his speech, he, contrary to the expectations of the public,
agrees with the general opinion and calls Brutus a worthy husband.  It is
only after this that Mark Anthony resorts to rhetoric—when everyone is
sure that he thinks the same way they do. In his speech, he uses clever tricks
that convince listeners that this is still a murder and the criminal must be
convicted.  Begin it immediately with the charges, no one would listen to
him, but Mark Antony was smart enough,  to bring everything to a
successful moment.  Today Mark Antony would have had a black belt in
aikido, and Shakespeare, who wrote this play, would have become a
successful politician.
 
Think the Same Way
Let's summarize. You do not need to compromise your own principles when
practicing mental aikido. You do not need to lie. Rapport must be built on
honesty.  Finding a point of contact is usually easy, but there are
exceptions.  For example, public debates require political opponents to
exchange views, not compromise.
 
If your views on one subject are radically different, then I advise you to find
something in which you nevertheless agree. If this is not possible, then use
the technique that I have already described: “If I were you, I would have
thought the same thing.”  Moreover, it will be true because if you were a
different person, you would have thought differently.
 
If someone bursts into the room, punches the table, and shouts: “It's
disgusting!”—you have no choice but to get up from the chair, hit the table
with a cup or fist and exclaim, “I agree! I understand you! If I were you, I
would also say: this is disgusting! ”At this moment you are copying the
body language, tone of voice and rhythm of the enemy. Then you need to
gradually lower your voice.  You can sit on the edge of the table and say:
"But you know, I think we can solve this issue."  You begin to bring the
interlocutor to the idea that you want to impress on him, at the same time
laying the foundations for the successful completion of the conflict.  In
addition, it is a great way to calm an angry opponent. The angry person is
looking for resistance, an enemy to whom he can turn all his (or her) anger,
pin to the wall and continue to get angry. A way to calm him down has been
shown to you.
 
Your goal, as in establishing rapport, is to make the other believe that you
understand him, that you think the same thing—that is you are the same as
he.  Only then will he want to hear your suggestions.  Just seeing that you
share common views, he will want to listen to you, and then consider that
rapport between you is already established.  “If I were you, I would have
thought the same thing”—what could be simpler ?!
 
Diametrically Opposed Statements
There is a very simple way to portray consent and get people to take your
side in a controversial situation.  You just need to use the union "and"
instead of "but." The union “but” is alarming, speaks of a strict separation
of concepts, hints that there is some kind of trick, that everything is not as
harmonious as it seems.  At the same time, the calm "and" binds together
phrases and statements.  The unifying role of the union “and” is so strong
that it can reconcile two diametrically opposed concepts.  Sly politicians
have learned to correctly use the "and".  Compare these two situations in
which the politician Agneta tries to gain popularity by talking to the people
about important things.
 
Situation 1
Agneta: "We want to improve the health care system, so we need to raise
taxes."
Annefrid: "We also want to improve the health care system, but we want to
reduce taxes."
 
Situation 2
Agneta: "We want to improve the health care system, so we need to raise
taxes."
Annefrid: "I think, like you, we need to improve the health care system and
therefore we want to reduce taxes."
 
In the first debate, Annefrid becomes on the other side, using the word
"but" and thus speaking against Agneta. At the same time, she loses a lot of
votes. In the second debate, she gains the same number of votes as Agneta,
without changing either her political views or even the meaning of the
phrase.  "And" has a truly miraculous effect: the phrase that follows it is
perceived as the inevitable consequence of the first statement. "But" acts the
opposite.
 
Rapport by E-Mail
The same principles as in face-to-face and telephone conversations also
apply in correspondence, which has become part of our daily life due to
such technical innovations as SMS, e-mail, and chat. The only difference is
that you can no longer mirror the body language or the tempo of the
person’s speech, but you can still agree with his views, opinions, and
expectations.  Even in the letter, you can try to copy the "tone" of the
interlocutor and his mood. Determine who you are dealing with: a serious
or frivolous person? Is the writing style official (formal) or friendly? Does
he write long sentences or short ones?  Paragraphs or intermittent
phrases? What words does he use—slang, terms, borrowings? Does he have
"favorite words"?  Determine the expression form of your addressee and
copy it. Suppose you got this message:
 
“Hi ... getting ready for Friday ... is everything valid? / Sa.
 
It will be a mistake if you answer it as follows:
 
“Hello, Samus!
I did thorough research and concluded that it would be more efficient to
schedule an appointment for the afternoon. Be so kind and let me know as
soon as you have such an opportunity if the indicated time is right for you.
Respectfully,
Henrik Fexeus.
 
A more appropriate answer would be this text:
"Hello!
Friday is good. But maybe better after lunch?
Henrik.
 
This is very important when communicating by email.  Emails did not
replace the usual letters, as many of them feared. In any case, the manner of
communication remained the same. Email replaced phone conversations. In
the e-mail, we express our thoughts in a language close to the spoken. The
problem is that spoken language is not always clear. Much depends on the
context: on the tone of voice, the pace of speech, pauses, smiles,
movements of eyebrows, nods of the head, etc. (hereinafter I will discuss in
more detail facial expressions during a conversation).  However, in
electronic correspondence, we do not have this context.  We use the same
words as in conversation, but without the “canvas” that gives them
shape.  Hence the need for emoticons, or emoticons, of which the most
common :-) and :-(, as well as: -P and many others. We have redesigned the
whole alphabet of abstract characters to convey to the interlocutor what we
mean. But this was not enough for us: a lot of abbreviations appeared, like
plz (Eng . please—please), 4ever (forever—forever), lol (laughing out loud
—laugh out loud), etc. Thanks to them, you cannot be afraid that they will
take your joke seriously or your text will not fit into one SMS.  It is
important not only to create rapport but also easy to understand, to use the
same methods of expression in electronic communication as your
interlocutor.
 
The Old Workaround: Make Another Talk About
Yourself
Since ancient times, it happened so that most of all we love to talk about
ourselves.  The old school guru, a professional in the field of rapport
creation, Dale Carnegie wrote in his book How to make friends and
influence people in 1936: to make someone believe that you are a
wonderful interlocutor, you need to start talking about yourself and then just
sit and nod from time to time.
 
By allowing a person to talk about himself, you will protect yourself from
undue attention: he simply will not notice that you are trying to mirror
him. Allowing your interlocutor to talk about yourself is the shortest path to
establishing rapport.
 

Did it Work? How to Check if Rapport is Installed

There are many ways to check if rapport is installed.  One of the goals of
rapport is to lead the other.  So why not try it?  Change something in the
signs of body language or in the voice and see: does the other person follow
you?  If rapport is established, people constantly follow each other.  If you
find that the person does not repeat your movements, then go back a step
and try again to establish contact.  Now, wait for a new opportunity to
check.  Most often, there is a constant exchange of movements between
people, until both come to the conclusion that the conversation is over.
 

What to Look For

It would be nice to determine immediately whether you are interested in the
interlocutor or not. Pay attention to how he sits: whether both feet are on the
floor, or one is thrown over the other, and if the back is tense or not. Wide-
spaced legs, thumbs in the pockets of pants indicate self-confidence.  This
"macho"—the pose is often used by men.  If two legs are parallel to each
other, then the person is neutral towards you.  Crossed legs can talk about
the need to visit the toilet or that the person feels insecure.  But all these
poses speak of interest in you and a desire to listen, a desire to determine
your and your position on the social ladder.
 
The “cowboy” position, when one leg is slightly bent and the sock is
looking to the side, indicates that the person is mentally far away from you.
 
A bit like tai chi. Do not confuse this position with the one where one leg is
simply placed in front of the other. We often stand like this, but the center
of gravity is shifted forward. The movement indicates a person’s desire to
leave. Maybe he was bored with you or he just thinks about something else
and no longer listens to you.  Maybe he had an appointment or he noticed
someone with whom he needed to talk. No matter how hard he tries to listen
to your words, his head is busy with other things, and you need to let him
go.  Do me a favor—end the conversation as soon as possible, without
trying to cram important things into the farewell phrases: there is too much
risk that the person will not remember anything.  It is better to save an
important conversation until the next meeting.
 
When talking, it is also worth paying attention to whether the interlocutor
looks into your eyes. It is important that he looks exactly in your eyes, not
in a window or to the side, and does not look around the room, as if in
search of an emergency exit (for the mental and physical bodies). If you are
sitting, the person you are interested in is usually leaning towards you.
 

Watch Your Pupils

Pupil size matters too.  Watching the pupils is not as difficult as it
seems. When we show interest, our pupils spontaneously dilate. Of course,
the same thing happens in the range of brightness of light, and in a dark
room, our pupils are dilated.  Sometimes even dark clothes are enough for
the interlocutor's pupils to widen when they look at you, so this fact does
not always mean a person’s interest in you.  Therefore, we must first
monitor the changes. If the illumination in the room remains the same, and
the interlocutor's pupils widen, it means that he is showing interest in you.
 
Many textbooks give an example: in ancient China, jade traders were forced
to wear soot-darkened glasses to hide the size of their pupils. Traditionally,
merchants and buyers had to bargain, and if the merchant showed interest,
the price could be too high.  Therefore, he tried to keep a low profile, but
one thing he could not control was the size of the pupils. For a long time,
sunglasses were the trademark of jade traders in China.
 
Nowadays, poker players use the same trick.  If you have to watch a
tournament, note that many players appear in dark glasses in the final
round. Other popular attributes are a scarf and hat. No matter how skillful a
poker player you are, you still cannot control your nervous system. Whether
you like it or not, your pupils live their own lives and expand when you are
excited.
 
A person with dilated pupils shows interest to you, and you, in turn, show
interest in him.  We love those who love us, don't we?  Pupil dilation is a
powerful signal that our subconscious cannot fail to notice. In one test, men
were shown two photos of the same woman. The photos were the same with
only one small difference—on one the woman’s pupils were dilated.  Men
(heterosexual) should have indicated which of the two photos they find
more attractive.  Everyone chose the photo where the woman's pupils are
dilated, although they could not explain their choice.  And they really did
not see the difference, but their subconsciousness noted that in one photo a
woman signaled her interest in a man-spectator, whereas in the other she
was neutral.  And this alone made her more attractive in the eyes of
men. And who said that in a woman the most important thing is beauty?
 
When All Goes Wrong
Situations When It Is Not Necessary to Copy the
Interlocutor
Of course, there are situations when you should not copy the behavior of a
person. I do not recommend repeating after a person gestures or words for
which he hates himself or wants to get rid of. For example, in no case do
not limp in the presence of a lame person.  Do not copy the breath of a
person suffering from asthma.
 
Many people who suffer from speech defects or speak a dialect are well
aware of their shortcoming and are greatly ashamed of it. Especially if you
moved to live in a big city.  Therefore, do not imitate the dialect of your
interlocutor, it can cause irritation.
 
Avoid any manifestation of tic or other nervous reactions.  I have already
said that you should not agree with an opinion that is alien to you. Do not
bend over the interlocutor and do not sacrifice yourself.  There are many
other ways to install rapport. If someone is very angry and aggressive, do
not imitate him, better try to adjust to his rhythm and energy level.
 
The hypnosis master Milton Erickson said one wise thing that can be very
useful in life: “If something doesn’t work out for you, drop it and do
something else.” If you are unsuccessfully imitating your interlocutor's sign
language, drop it and try to copy the voice, or the rhythm, or the looks, or
the thoughts. Why not? In the next chapters, we will do just that.
 
All these tools are enough to establish rapport. But they all imply imitation
of human behavior, and we do not know why a person behaves in this way
and not otherwise. In the next chapter, we will try to penetrate deeper and
understand what our interlocutor actually thinks and how we can read and
analyze his most intimate thoughts.
 

Pupil Exercise
Start with someone to talk on some boring topic (for example, that the
copier is broken again).  Follow the pupils of the interlocutor.  Change the
subject and talk about what he really cares about: children or a favorite
car.  Notice how the pupils dilated when the person really became
interested. A fascinating sight, isn't it?
 
“If something doesn’t work out for you, drop it and do something else.”
 
Remember the dead ends in your life and how you got into them.  Surely
you stubbornly tried to solve the problem, not wanting to accept defeat. We
all should use the main rule of Milton Erickson more often, so let's repeat it
again: “If something doesn’t work out for you, drop it and do something
else.”
 Chapter 4: How Our Feelings Affect Our
Thoughts
 

 
So far we have studied how thoughts, feelings, and emotions affect our
physical condition and vice versa—how they depend on it.  Now we will
return to what we started with: in order to learn how to read thoughts, you
need to understand what it is—thoughts.  Do not worry, I will not present
complex theories and academic examples. Everything described in this and
in other chapters of the book is quite understandable and easily applicable
in practice.
 
When thinking, two processes are launched: we either recall (that is, repeat)
the thoughts that we have ever had, or create new thoughts. In both cases,
our senses play an important role.  Hearing, sight, touch, smell, taste, and
balance are needed not only to navigate the outside world but in order to
carry out the process of thinking.  We use the memory of “the different
reactions of our senses” to think. Remembering something pleasant, such as
a summer vacation, we mentally see a beach in front of us, hear sounds that
were there, smells, etc. Remembering, we recreate the experiences that
were at that moment and sensations.  But the senses play a role in the
creation of new thoughts. Read this text, passing images through your mind.
 
Imagine walking along the beach.  You feel the soft sand under your bare
feet. It is evening now, and the sand has cooled a little. The sun is low, and
you have to squint so that it does not blind the eyes.  You hear only the
sound of the waves rushing to the shore and the rare cries of seagulls over
the sea. You stop and breathe in the air, smelling algae. You have a shell in
your hand, you run your finger over its rough surface. You put the shell in
your pocket and move on. Now voices of people are heard. Far ahead you
see a cafe, your nostrils catch the aroma of food. You feel hungry. You are
drooling.  You speed up the step.  The voices of people are getting louder,
and the smells are stronger.
 
If you really felt the content, then you could mentally hear the sound of the
waves, feel the sand under your feet and the smell of algae. Maybe by the
end of the text, you even drooled.  And while you are sitting at home on
your couch.  You didn’t recall what was described in the text, you only
recreated what you had to collect a whole picture from pieces of a mosaic—
different memories of the past years.  You were holding a shell and you
know how it feels. You know how algae smell. But it is quite possible that
you never walked along the beach at sunset and you didn’t have such
memories.  You just collected a picture from what was in your memory,
from the stories of other people, scenes from films—everything that helped
you mentally recreate an evening walk along the beach.  So you created
something new, as real as if this happened to you really. That is how we use
our senses in the process of thinking. Sometimes we do it only in our head,
sometimes in reality. We alternately use our senses mentally and in practice
(perceiving the world around us). The more we are immersed in the text, the
more our thought works. But at the same time, the brain doesn’t really care
if something happens around us or only in our consciousness—both brain
areas are responsible for both.

We prefer different feelings.

I want to emphasize: the senses affect our thoughts. At the same time, we
can choose which feelings are more important to us.  Most people prefer
vision—these are so-called visuals.  Some others prefer not to see, but to
hear. The third group of people chooses touch: they like to feel the surface,
the temperature, the shape of the object.  Such people are called
kinesthetic.  The inner reflection of touch is found in the senses.  The
question “What do you feel?” Can concern both pain in the leg and the
emotional state of a person. The smallest group of people prefer to taste and
smell. 
 
Finally, there is a group of people who prefer logic and rationalism to
feelings.  Such people are called digital or binary.  For them, there are no
intermediate states, everything is limited to the categories "on / off",
"yes/no", "black/white". I prefer to call such people neutral because they are
less dependent on external stimuli.
 
To a greater or lesser extent, we use those senses that dominate our
worldview, that is, are the main ones.  Other sensations we use to confirm
the information obtained through the main.
 
Different people set priorities in different ways: some people rely on vision,
almost without using the sense of hearing or touch (visuals); someone can
equally well use hearing, and vision;  someone may belong to the visuals,
but at the same time enjoy hearing and touch, etc.
 
Different Sensations – Different Thoughts
An interesting fact: depending on which of the sensations we prefer, we
develop one or another view of the world.  We communicate in different
ways and pay attention to different things. Having determined which group
of people your interlocutor belongs to, you will understand how he looks at
the world, how he thinks, how he prefers to communicate and what he may
be interested in. This ability to identify several times increases your chances
to analyze the thoughts of another person, not to mention the fact that it
helps to establish rapport.
 

Sour Exercise
Imagine that you have a peeled lemon in your hand. Feel it in your hand,
how soft, heavy and wet it is from lemon juice. Do you smell strong? Now
imagine that you bite off a piece of lemon. Sour juice fills the mouth.
 
If you have done this exercise qualitatively, then you will have a physical
reaction—involuntary salivation. And this is despite the fact that you ate a
lemon only in your imagination. Your brain responded and sent signals to
your body as if a sour lemon actually hit your mouth.
 
An interesting question: if it is so difficult for our brain to distinguish our
fantasies and reality, how can we be sure that everything that happens is not
a hallucination? Think about it at your leisure.
 
Look at Me – What Does Eye Movement Mean?
Researchers note that in the process of thinking, people use different parts
of the brain, and depending on this, their eyes look in one direction or
another.  This link is called LEM—Lateral Eye Movement (Method  of
lateral eye movements). In the late seventies, a psychology student, Richard
Bendler, and linguist John Grinder formulated the EAC theory, Eye
Accessing Cues. They were the first to declare that by eye movement one
can determine what a person is thinking about.
 
Do not forget that this model is common and does not work in all
cases. Also, do not forget the wise words of Erickson that if something does
not work, it is necessary to stop this activity. I cannot say that this model is
true. But you must admit, in the words that the eyes are a mirror of the soul,
there is a grain of truth.
 
According to the model presented, people who think in images look left up
when they remember something, and right up when they create new
thoughts, construct them. When a person remembers sounds, he looks to the
left (for example, when you think about what someone told you), when he
comes up with new sounds—to the right (for example, when he thinks out
what to say to you).  Remembering the physical sensations, the man looks
right down. Unfortunately, for this kind of thoughts, here is no division into
memories and new constructions.  When a person speaks to himself and
solves logical problems (a neutral person), his gaze is directed down to the
left.
Creating a Picture
If you ask a friend how he spent his vacation, and he will first look to the
left and then to the right, it means he remembers how it looked, and then
checks the information with the help of the memory of what he felt.
American specialist in body language Kevin Hogan recently expressed
doubts that this model is true. He conducted a series of experiments, which
resulted in the conclusion that our thoughts do not affect eye movement. I
myself can only say one thing: I often used this model, and always with
brilliant results. And Hogan is right that it doesn’t matter whether it’s a true
model or not, it’s important what results it gives.
 
Test Questions
To find out if a person fits a given model, you can ask test questions
designed to check where a person is looking at with a particular thought. 
 
Visual Memory
What does the carpet look like in your living room?
What color is your car?
Describe the appearance of your best friend.
 
Visual Designs
What would you look like with short hair / long hair?
Imagine that you painted a striped house ...
What happens if you write your name in reverse?
 
Audio Memory
How does your favorite song start?
What is your reminder clock ringing for?
Do you remember what she said before leaving?

Sound Designs
What do you think, what voice was that of Peter the Great?
With what voice is the president talking to his wife?
How do you think James Bond talks to women?
Kinesthetic Memory
Do you remember how hot it was in summer?
What do dirty socks smell like?
 
Tactile Designs
Imagine you are eating a lemon ...

Internal Dialogue
You may wonder, do you often talk to yourself?
What do you say when you are lonely or something goes wrong?
 

You Speak as You Understand – How Our Feelings

Affect Our Language
Another way to check what type of person you have to deal with is to listen
to how he speaks.  In our language, predicates prevail, that is, words with
which we describe actions and compare concepts.  Our preferences in the
field of feelings are reflected in our language.
 
Visual Dictionary
A visual thinks in images and selects the appropriate words, for example:
 
look, focus, create, imagine, look, visualize, clean, perspective, see,
anticipate, refine, illustrate, reveal, illusion, show, vision, light.
 
Typical visual expressions:
We need to take a closer look.
I see what you are driving at.
We ought to see.
Show me what you mean.
Look at yourself.
We must look forward.
He is a colorful character.
Without a shadow of a doubt.
 

Auditory Dictionary
An audial uses words that are related to the meaning of the sound:
 
speak, accent, rhythm, tone, monotonous, deaf, call, ask, tell, discuss,
comment, ringing, listen, dumb, scream, dissonance, voice, harmony.
 
Typical audial expressions:
Listen to what I'm telling you.
We must listen to the voices of our opponents.
What a flashy color!
Be on the same wavelength!
To live in harmony.
Voiced like a bell.
Never heard anything like it.
I speak for us all.
How to say.
Like a bolt from the blue.
 

Kinesthetic Dictionary
Kinesthetics, to which we, in this book, attributed those who prefer taste
and smell, often use these words:
 
touch, manage, crush, warm, hard, cold, contact, stress, stress, concrete,
soft, hold, compress, heavy, strong, smooth, juicy, sour.
 
Typical kinesthetic expressions:
Try this one.
What does it smell like?
Take a new project?
Sit on two chairs.
Feel the whole body.
Dig deeper.
Something I do not catch the meaning.
He has a hard temper.
Feel the solid ground under your feet.
Lay the foundation.
 

Neutral Dictionary
Neutrals (they are also called discretes) often use the following words:
 
conclude, decide, think, remember, know, notice, understand, evaluate,
attention, process, motivation, learn, change, be able, statistics, logic.
 
Discretions in the language of textbooks and dictionaries are explained. At
the same time, they try so hard to be understandable to others that they give
out ambiguous phrases—and it turns out all the way around.  Moreover,
without owning “practical” words and expressions associated with such
sensations as smell, touch, hearing, and sight, they are expressed too
abstractly, which leads to a dead-end for people of another type.
 
I think you yourself have already understood that people of different types
attach importance to different things.  Imagine that audial, visual and
kinesthetic go to a concert together. What will they say after the concert?
 
- They played so great! Just awesome! But it seems to me, loudly!
- We were sitting far away, but the show was just awesome. What are the
girls on the dancers! What dresses!
- It was so hot and stuffy, but despite this, I liked the concert.
 
Guess Who is Who?
(When asked to their neutral friend, why he didn’t go to the concert either,
he muttered: “I ask myself about it.”)
 
Our feelings rule us.
 
It is curious that our senses influence our choice of future
profession. Architects can create a three-dimensional model of a building in
their head: one cannot do without well-developed visual abilities.  On the
radio mostly work audials. A good athlete simply must be kinesthetic to pay
proper attention to his body.  Neutrals (discretes) are excellent
lawyers. Studies have confirmed that this corresponds to reality.
 
To find understanding with the interlocutor, you need to determine which
group of people he belongs to, and in the further conversation use his
favorite words.  The visitor asks if he sees additional possibilities, the
auditory — if he wants to hear all the arguments, the kinesthetic — what he
feels.  Actively use metaphors and talk about what is important to your
interlocutor, in other words—pay more attention to him, how he puts
emphasis.  With a visual it is necessary to speak in images, colorfully
drawing, what the bright future will be and how bright the prospects seem,
without losing sight of the most important thing. It is not necessary for the
visual to say that it is necessary to lay the foundation for your future
relationship because he will not understand you: these are typical words for
communicating with kinesthetic.  You are probably familiar with the
situations where you spoke, it would seem,  the same thing, but could not
find mutual understanding. Here is one example.
 
She: "Can't you see what I want to say?"
You:  "Yes, I hear what you say, but I do not understand what you are
driving at."
 
You speak different languages.  To understand each other, you must first
begin to speak the same language.
 
She: "Do you see what I want to say?"
You: “Of course, I see and really want us to come to an understanding.”
 
Da Vinci Exercise
See for yourself whether EAC works. Look up to the left and try to imagine
“Gioconda” in a picture. You have seen it a thousand times, but you never
paid much attention to the canvas.  Try to remember as many details as
possible: face, clothes, colors, background and so on.  Give yourself thirty
seconds.  Happened?  Perfectly!  Erase the picture.  Now look down to the
right and try to do the same—imagine Gioconda.
 
Despite the fact that you have just successfully done the same, this time it is
much more difficult for you to present a picture. Why? Because you do not
use the visual part of the brain.  Simply put: there are no pictures at the
bottom right. They are all top left.
 
Rapport with Many People at Once
If you want to establish rapport with several people at once (for example, at
a meeting), then you will have to use all your abilities. Let's say you need to
make a presentation. Try not only to reveal the topic (for audials) but also to
influence the visuals by illustrating your words with pictures (using
PowerPoint).  Do not forget about kinesthetics: give them flyers or
brochures so that they can hold them in their hands and better understand
the content of your speech.  Try to use words for all groups of
people.  Repeat the most important points four times: one for each type of
people.
 
“I hope, you see, what benefits we will receive as a result, I hope that you
will listen to my words, understand how important this is, you will feel that
I am right and that this will serve as the basis for the right decision.”

Dominant Feeling
How to determine exactly which feeling dominates in this or that person?
 
Sometimes it is difficult to calculate the dominant feeling of the
interlocutor.  Sometimes people prefer two or more senses, and this is
reflected in their speech.

Ask Questions
You can ask a person: “How would you like me to explain this?” People are
often aware of their personal characteristics.  Someone will ask you to tell
about everything in more detail, another will ask to write him a letter. The
kinesthetics will say they need to get to know you first to see if you can be
trusted.
 
I recommend using your favorite car dealer method. Start by asking: “Does
it look good, don't you think so?” Find out what question works? Continue
in the same spirit!
 

Physical Features
Our sensations are also expressed in physical reactions.  This is especially
true for people who prefer one of their senses, and this is what determines
their behavior.
 
For visuals, it is important to see things; they pay great attention to colors,
shapes, and lighting. For the visual is characterized by a fast pace. Pictures
change rapidly, and he must keep up with them. Often the words are late,
following the images, so the visual speaks quickly but clearly.  The rapid
pace of speech, in turn, leads to rapid breathing. Man breathes superficially
and often, and all his movements are also swift.  Imaginative memory is
involved when a person looks up, so you can most often catch a visual for
this activity.
 
Visual children are often heard in school from an inexperienced teacher:
“What are you looking at at the ceiling?  There the answer is not
written. But then the child is frightened and begins to look straight ahead,
and the right answer does not occur to him.
 
A pronounced audial thinks at the same pace in which it speaks.  Their
speech is slower than that of visuals. Movement relaxed. An audial is easy
to distract with different sounds. Do not distract him by talking if you see
that he is thinking about something. So you only mess up the deal. Audials
often bow to one side, as if listening to something, they breathe a
diaphragm, speak loudly and melodiously.
 
The kinesthetic loves to explore the subjects by touch.  He will certainly
draw your attention to the fact that the sun shines directly into the eyes, the
bench is too hard, but the jacket is soft and pleasant, and although it is hot
outside, it feels good. Before you say something, kinesthetics needs to feel
the situation. He speaks slowly and gently. Body language is minimal. Slow
motion, concentrated in the abdomen.  Kinesthetics breathe belly, as, in
principle, we should all breathe that way.  For them, eye contact is not as
important as physical contact.  The archetype of the classic kinesthetic—
Santa Claus: a slightly overweight man in a thick sweater and a beard.
 
Neutral (discrete), to describe more difficult.  Some neutrals outwardly
resemble kinesthetics, but not all.  There is a theory that explains this
phenomenon. The fact is that first, our physical reactions develop, and only
then—abstract thinking;  and it is highly probable that at first the samples
were kinesthetic, but then they became disillusioned with this perception of
the world and turned to logic and statistics.  While there is no evidence in
favor of the truth of this theory.
 
One of the most common mistakes that we make when talking: we take the
lack of reaction for the rejection of our ideas, but in fact, we just did not
find a common language with the interlocutor.
 

Watch the Pace

Observing the pace of speech and movements of a person, you can
determine, prior to the beginning of a conversation, what type your future
interlocutor belongs to. It is possible and vice versa. Knowing which sense
organs he prefers, one can guess what his body language or breathing will
be. The visual tempo is fast, the kinesthetic—slow. The audio is somewhere
in the middle.  A little workout and you can repeat even the movement of
the eyes of the interlocutor. Looking your counterpart right up, you can do
the same.  He will not notice this, but his subconscious will register your
actions and facilitate the establishment of rapport.
 
Having found out which group of people your vis-a-vis belongs to, you will
understand what he is actually trying to tell you.  Speaking the same
language, you will avoid the risk of misunderstanding. You talk about what
is important to him, you show that you think the same thing, that you are
the same as him.  You alone have the unique knowledge of how the other
person works.
 
I have already explained how the tone of speech, body language, pace, and
energy level are important for creating rapport. Knowing about the model of
eye movement, you now know how the other person thinks.  But this
process of reading thoughts does not end. We have already talked about the
senses, but not about our emotions. What we care about at the moment, is
reflected in our thinking, affects what happens in our heads, how we
perceive other people.  Fortunately, we can even guess the emotions of a
person. In the next chapter, you will learn how to guess emotions and learn
how to manage them.
 Chapter 5: Feeling and Sensitivity – We
Do Not Know How to Hide Our Feelings
 
 
Everyone knows what feeling is until they are asked to define it.
Burley Fehr and James Russell
 
Our feelings are an important aspect of existence, but often we allow them
to control our actions.  We do something not because we have to, but
because we are under the power of emotions (this is how we convince
ourselves when we look for the reason for our own actions). Sometimes we
are not aware of what we actually feel.  But, fortunately for us, thought
readers, people always give out their feelings (without even realizing
it).  Most of the process of reading thoughts to analyze people consists in
observing the manifestations of various emotions.
 
One more time, but now with feeling!
 
What are Feelings?
Before you start exploring facial expressions, you need to clarify what
emotions (feelings) really are.  There are many theories explaining what
emotions are and how they arise.  Today, we know that there are basic
emotions that are common to all people, and they also manifest themselves
in the same way.
 

Emotions as a Defense Mechanism

When something directly threatens the security of a person, he feels
fear.  According to the popular theory, fear originates in unconditional
reflexes, when a person needs to get out of a dangerous situation as soon as
possible and does not have time to think.  An immediate response is
required.  Imagine that you are a man from the Stone Age and you are
attacked by a huge tiger. Will you carefully analyze the situation and look
for the most logical way out? Of course not! Unless you want to become a
tiger's dinner. The fact is that we are subconsciously constantly looking for
different signals in the world around us. As soon as the signal is detected,
the corresponding emotion arises, the autonomic nervous system receives a
message and starts the corresponding processes.  Meanwhile, the
information reaches the brain, so that he, too, is aware of what is happening.
 
Information enters the brain in two ways. Both have their origin in the place
where the receptors receive a signal and are sent to the thalamus area. From
there, the signal enters the amygdala, a site that is associated with human
reactions and with those areas of the brain that control the pulse, pressure,
and other reactions of the autonomic nervous system. There are many ways
to the amygdala. The first way is the shortest, the brain simply reacts to the
signal and everything, without analyzing information.  The other way is
longer, it passes through the parts of the brain responsible for attention and
thoughts, and only then it enters the amygdala. This path takes more time,
but it gives a clearer and more complete information about the incoming
signal.
 
In practice, this means that if a person rushes something big at tremendous
speed, this will signal the emergence of fear. From the fear of the pulse of
frequency and blood will begin to flow into the legs, so that a person can
run away if necessary.  The body reacts faster than consciousness, so first,
the driver turns the steering wheel and flies into a ditch and only then
thinks: “Damn, this truck was rushing along the counter!” two will have to
pull the car out of the ditch.
 
But the body will need more time than the mind to return to the previous
state. The danger has passed, and the driver continues to sit in the car with a
furiously beating heart and parched lips.
 
In other words, our emotions are designed to save us from different
situations, causing the necessary changes in brain areas and affecting the
nervous system, which, in turn, controls such processes as breathing,
sweating, and palpitations. But feelings also affect facial expression, voice
and body language.
 
We feel something all the time.  Emotions come and go.  Some people are
more sensitive than others, but they also have moments when they do not
feel anything.  It is necessary to distinguish emotions from mood: an
emotion is a short and intense experience, whereas in a bad mood a person
can be constantly, and it will affect all his emotions and sensations.
 
Previously, psychologists paid little attention to emotions.  Perhaps, they
were strongly influenced by Darwin’s statement that we express our
feelings in the same way as our ancestors, and in this sense did not go far
from the first primitive people.  Other scientists are confident that feelings
lose their meaning as the intellect develops and soon the need for them will
completely disappear.  Agree, it would be boring.  Therefore, we adhere to
other views: feelings (emotions)—the most important thing in a person's
life. With their help, connections are made between people, events and the
outside world.
 
We usually say: “I feel ...” But in reality, what we “feel” are only physical
manifestations of deeper changes.  Some of these manifestations are
unpleasant, especially when they require a lot of tension from the
body.  There are also pleasant feelings.  But, saying “I feel joy” or “I feel
fear”, we only describe our physical sensations from the changes taking
place in us.  Yes, there is no romance in it.  Sorry if I destroyed another
childhood illusion in you. Yes, there is no romance in feelings, but this does
not make them less fantastic.  Even knowing that the butterflies in your
stomach are only a biological reaction when you look at your beloved, this
does not make your feelings less pleasant and positive.
 
What Causes Feelings?
Of course, it's not just about survival. Primitive feelings and reactions of the
first people gradually developed and became more complicated.  And now
some emotional traits are peculiar only to one culture, that is, they are not
universal for all people.  Usually, there are nine reasons for the emergence
of emotions.
 
Tiger Attacks!
The simplest reason for the emergence of feelings—a reaction to the signal
in the environment.  In this case, the person does not always have time to
think and check his feelings. Maybe this is not a tiger, but a mountain goat,
but a man has just spent his best spear on it.
 
Why Did She Do That?
Feelings arise when thinking about what is happening, but it takes time. Of
course, the risk of making a mistake is less, but you can miss the necessary
time. ("Yes, yes, it was a tiger! So I thought. And now he licks my heels.")
 
Remember How Much You Were in Love?
We can feel something, just remembering strong experiences. In this case,
we either feel the same thing as then, or a new perception is born in us as an
emotional reaction to the experience (for example, repentance as a reaction
to anger and aggression in the past). This is called “setting anchors”, and we
will return to this later.
 
Feelings originated as automatic mechanisms for triggering the autonomic
nervous system without having to spend time analyzing the situation. They
helped people to survive all the time, as they gradually turned into myopic,
thin-skinned and sluggish creatures on two legs.
 
It Would Be Great…
With the help of fantasy, we can imagine different situations that would
cause us some kind of emotion. One has only to imagine that you are madly
in love.  Try it yourself.  Imagine that you are completely crazy about ...
Feel?
 
I Do Not Want to Talk About It. Only the Mood is Spoiled
Sometimes it is enough just to talk about the moment when we were angry,
to get angry again. Even talking about past feelings can bring them back to
life against the will of the speaker.

Ha ha ha!
Comedy is always more fun to watch with a man who laughs and reacts to
jokes than with a gloomy, depressive type. There is such a thing as empathy
when we seem to be infected with the emotions of other people. Someone is
fun, and we, too.  But if someone is angry, then in us it can cause fear or
other emotions.

Don't Touch the Stove! She is Hot!

Often we are afraid of something simply because an authoritative person
(for example, a parent in childhood) told us to be afraid.  Children often
develop feelings by imitating the actions and reactions of parents.

Get up at the End of the Line!

People who violate social norms, cause us strong feelings.  Of course,
different nations have their own norms, and their violation can cause both
anger and admiration.
 
Smile!
Feelings have a clear physical expression, so they can be aroused by
simulating one or another emotion in facial expression. For this you need to
stretch the facial muscles, for example, portraying a smile as if we are
actually smiling. This can artificially create a feeling of joy. Remember how
at the beginning of the book I taught you to depict anger? Similarly, you can
portray a smile and cheer yourself up.
 
Unconscious Facial Expressions
In the film "Prestige", Rebecca Hall's heroine is married to a magician
(played by Christian Bale).  Sometimes he speaks the truth, sometimes he
lies, even when he confesses her love. But the heroine is always determined
by the look, lying to her husband or not.
 
When we are not sure whether the interlocutor understood correctly, we
look into his eyes.  We learn to look into our eyes before we learn to
walk. But in fact, we look not only in the eyes. We study the entire face of
the interlocutor. About forty muscles located on a person’s face can tell a lot
to others. Moreover, a part of these muscles cannot be controlled, and it is
they who can reveal his secret intentions.
Such Different Feelings
We can easily distinguish a person who is angry and merry, but we often do
not notice that a person is sad until he begins to shed tears in three
streams. We often make mistakes, taking surprise for fear and concentration
for anger.  We can also use facial expressions to illustrate our words.  For
example, I'm telling you something, and you raise your eyebrows. This can
mean both doubt and surprise. A smile at one corner of the mouth indicates
that I understood your joke.  But she can also show disdain for the
interlocutor and even disgust for him.
 
Usually, a person exhibits a maximum of two feelings.  For example, first
surprise and then the joy of understanding that they gave him a pleasant
surprise.  In the interval between these two states, when one ends and the
other begins, a person looks both contented and surprised.  You can also
experience mixed feelings, such as fear and joy during a rollercoaster
ride. Sometimes people try to hide their true feelings, for example, they try
to look cheerful when they feel sad.  But a sensitive person will always
notice this because the interlocutor will unconsciously show both feelings.
 
We Are All Humans
Looking into the eyes of another person is very human. I was not the only
one who noticed that George Lucas in the movie “Star Wars” put on thick
plastic helmet covering his face to make them less humane: you can't see
the eyes like that.  Nowadays, the alternative to such a plastic helmet is
Botox.  More and more people of mature age are making these
injections.  Botox is a neurotoxin that causes local paralysis of the skin,
causing wrinkles to be smoothed.  Unfortunately, the use of Botox often
leads to the fact that a person can no longer use the muscles of the face. The
people who injected Botox are like a Barbie doll—they have as much
emotion on their face as the famous doll.
 
I spoke with a single store owner in the US who complained about the
spread of Botox.  Previously, he could guess from the expression of the
client’s face that he was thinking about his product, but now it is
impossible. Moreover, it became difficult to communicate with clients: they
seem to be artificial, lifeless creatures. Whatever their mood, their face does
not express anything.
 
Tip: Do not inject botulinum neurotoxin into the facial muscles.
 
Carefully following the face of the interlocutor, one can not only guess what
he is feeling now but also understand what he will feel in the next
moment. Muscles react faster than consciousness, and the interlocutor's face
will tell us about his condition before thinking and new emotions
come. Knowing this, one can prevent the other person’s negative reactions,
such as fear or anger.  It will be harder to do when a person has already
become angry or scared.
 
Othello's Error
Emotions have one unpleasant feature: when a person experiences a certain
feeling, his consciousness tries to confirm that he has every reason to feel
just that, and it is very difficult to convince him. We often say: “He is in the
power of the senses,” or “Passion enveloped him,” implying precisely such
a state.  All of our perception of the world suddenly becomes
selective. When we are caught up in jealousy, anger or fear, we hardly recall
the banalest things, unless they confirm our feelings. We completely forget
about everything that could convince us, to pull feelings out of power. We
look at the world as if through the prism of our emotions.  If we feel bad,
then the whole world seems hostile to us, we are not able to see a way out
of the situation or new positive opportunities offered by life.  Things are
suddenly remembered who have long been forgotten, but who can confirm
the current state: “Do you remember what you did eight years ago?” Do you
recognize yourself? When we are in the grip of strong emotions, we do not
seek to calm down; on the contrary, we subconsciously strive to further
strengthen our emotions, which often creates problems.  Paul Ekman, a
researcher of a person’s emotional states, called this phenomenon “Othello's
mistake,” referring to the murder of jealousy in the play by William
Shakespeare.
 
Othello was furious when he learned that Desdemona had cheated on him
with a man named Cassius, who was also Othello’s best friend (of course, it
was all false rumors fabricated by Iago's villain).  Othello was distraught
with pain and threatened to kill Desdemona. She begged him to go talk to
Cassie and make sure that it was not true. But this was impossible because
Othello had already killed Cassius.  When Desdemona realized that she
could not convince him of his innocence, she was frightened. Othello was
in such a state that the fear of his beloved wife was misinterpreted. He did
not realize that in such a situation even an innocent person would fear for
his life, and decided that fear was proof of Desdemona’s guilt and strangled
her!
 
Of course, it is easy to say that the jealous moor is a fictional hero, a
romantic loser, but the truth is that anyone can make a similar
mistake.  When we are embraced by emotions, it is very difficult to
objectively assess the situation and see ourselves from the outside. We see
reality through the prism of our emotions. That is why it is so important to
learn how to predict a deterioration in the mood so that you can stop the
process in time and prevent negative consequences.
 
Remember, I said, how can you improve a person’s mood by adjusting to
him using body language?  Improving the mood of the interlocutor, you
change the course of his thinking, helping to move from a negative
perception of the world to a positive one. And it is always more pleasant to
communicate with a positive-minded person than with a gloomy, depressive
type.
 
Unconscious Information
Watching your vis-à-vis via the facial expression, you can know in advance
that he will soon be upset or angry. This is the ability to analyze a person at
the most professional level, and you need to use it carefully.  This
information (and of a purely personal nature) the person has informed you
unconsciously. The fact that you were able to read the thoughts of another
person does not give you the right to invade his personal life, especially its
most intimate spheres.  To state directly that you are aware of what your
interlocutor feels—it means immediately destroying the rapport without
much difficulty.  Therefore, it is better to use the information received to
think about how to improve communication and avoid conflict.
 
Strong emotions change our perception of the world.  Negative emotions
block positive thoughts and evoke past unpleasant memories.  In such a
state, a person can easily do something, in which he repents later. It is not
necessary in this state to take any action, it is better to calm down first, no
matter how difficult it is.
 
Seven Samurai – The Seven Universal Feelings
The famous American psychologist Paul Ekman studied how our mental
states affect our face and body. He traveled the whole world, watching the
manifestations of feelings in different nations, and found that there are
seven basic, basic feelings (emotions) that all people express the same,
regardless of whether they live in Madagascar, Alaska or in Sweden. These
are the seven basic feelings:
 
• surprise
• sadness (grief)
• anger
• fear
• joy
• disgust
• contempt
 
Of course, the spectrum of human emotions is not limited to these seven
mental categories, for example, joy can unite in itself a huge number of
very different positive feelings. But all other emotions in different nations
can have their expression, in contrast to the seven basic ones. So let's first
dwell on them.
 
Ekman analyzed how each of these seven senses affects the facial muscles,
and it is for this model that the following images were taken. For clarity, I
will depict the extreme manifestations of feelings. In reality, being in one or
another state, we try to soften facial expressions.  But knowing how it
should look, you can easily notice the slightest manifestations of a
particular feeling on your vis-a-vis.
 
I have already said that we can notice changes in the face of the interlocutor
before he himself feels this, but there are exceptions. Sometimes a person is
fully aware of how he feels and does everything to hide it from others. For
example, he may try to show that he feels something different or that he
feels nothing at all. But even in this case, you can "read his thoughts." Let's
see what happens to our face when we are not trying to hide our true
feelings.
Types of Facial Expressions
There are several types of expression (activation of emotions) on the face.
The main classes are micro-expressions, partial and blurred.
 
The blurred uses all the muscles of the face, but the changes are
minimal. This view suggests that the feeling is weak (only possible at the
moment).  Maybe a person is only in the stage of transition to a strong
feeling.  This type may also mean that the person is trying to hide strong
feelings, but he is not very successful.  For example, when at a beauty
contest the winner is embraced by other contestants, while in every way
they are trying to hide the insult and disappointment under a dazzling smile.
 
Partial facial expression involves one or two areas of the muscles and
suggests that the feeling is weak or is ready to pass, but an attempt to hide
the true feelings is not excluded.
 
Micro-expressions are rapid changes in facial expression that appear for a
split second.  Surprisingly, it is these rapid changes that can tell us what a
person really feels. Consciously they are very difficult to detect. This is how
it happens. We begin to feel (show) fear, then we notice it and try to hide it
by portraying other emotions. But for a split second, an expression of fear
still appears on our face.  All people with good eyesight may notice these
micro-changes.
 
Facial Expression Does Not Reveal the Cause
Remember that we can see the feeling, but we cannot see the reason for
it.  Othello forgot about this when he interpreted Desdemona's fear as an
admission of guilt.
 
Looking into the face of another person and noticing an unkind expression,
you should not immediately think that he is angry at you. Maybe he is angry
at himself.  Or recalls the situation that once angered him.  In order not to
make wrong conclusions, you just need to make sure that you are the cause
of the interlocutor's feelings. Do not tell him that you noticed his condition
(evil).  It is better to immediately think about the response to this
behavior.  Later, I will elaborate on how to respond to a particular
feeling.  Sometimes you can comment, but very carefully, for example, to
say: “I have a feeling that you feel more than you tell me,” but I would not
advise you even to do this.

Neutral Facial Expression

There are different types of neutral facial expressions. All of them can mean
an attempt by the interlocutor to hide their true feelings. However, some can
also reveal weak feeling or a passing feeling.
 
Neutral Expression 1 – all muscles are involved, but with low activity.
 
Neutral Expression 2 (partial) – only part of the facial muscles (for
example, eyebrow muscles ) is involved.
 
Neutral Expression 3 (micro-expressions) – for the split second all muscles
are involved, but with great activity.
 

Surprise
Surprise is shown—one of the shortest in duration of emotions.  When do
we express surprise?  When something unexpected happens.  When
something suddenly changes without warning.  We have no idea what
should happen, otherwise, there will be no surprise, and with it
surprise. Surprise lasts a few seconds. Then we understand what happened
and why, and surprise is replaced by a reaction to what is happening, such
as joy. Then we say “What a pleasant surprise!”, although by itself surprise
can be neither positive nor negative.  Pleasant emotions in us cause a
surprise, such as an unexpected visit of close friends.
 
Surprise is very difficult to hide.  Thank God, in surprise, there is nothing
unusual (unless, of course, you are not informed of what you have known
for a long time, but must portray a surprise in order to hide awareness).
 
Another thing, if we are surprised by something unpleasant or dangerous,
such as a loud sound.  This is a physical reflex, completely opposite to
surprise.  We seem to shrink, close in order to self-defend, whereas with
surprise the face opens.  When expressing surprise, several types of facial
expressions are involved.
 
Eyebrows soar up.  Horizontal wrinkles form on the forehead.  If a person
has only raised eyebrows, but the mouth and eyes are not involved, this
suggests that he only represents surprise. If the eyebrows for a long time are
in a raised position, this means that a person doubts the information
received and internally rechecks it. 
 
When a person asks a question, the answer to which he already knows, or
this question is rhetorical, he raises his eyebrows.  This happens
automatically.  If a person does not know the answer, then he, on the
contrary, lowers his eyebrows—tries to concentrate on finding an answer
(often this movement is mistaken for anger).  Try it yourself, ask the
question “How do we do this?” To an imaginary interlocutor, first with
lowered eyebrows, and then with raised. Feel how the tone of the question
changes from rhetorical to conflict.
 
Heard the expression "jaw dropped"?  So, with surprise, our jaw literally
“hangs down” and our mouth opens.  The stronger the surprise, the wider
the mouth. Usually, this movement is accompanied by raising the eyebrows
but can manifest itself strongly.
 
When we want to hide our awareness of something, we try to portray
surprise.  But the real surprise is such a short process that it is almost
impossible to hide.  If a person expresses a state of surprise for too long,
then we are dealing with a simulation, trying to deceive us.  Surprise—a
short feeling that lasts a split second and instantly gives way to a new
feeling.
Sadness
Sadness or grief usually lasts a long time.  Speaking of "grief", I do not
mean the moaning at the funeral of close relatives, it is an extreme form of
expression that every feeling has.  For example, an extreme form of
expressing fear is a phobia.  We are still talking about the usual
manifestations of emotions.
 
Many causes can bring sadness, but one of the most frequent is loss.  For
example, we could lose confidence in ourselves because of failures at work,
or lose a friend or partner with whom we had a falling out.  Loss can be
more serious when it comes to a disability or the death of a loved one. A
person can be upset and just the loss of a thing dear to him. In this case, we
say that he is depressed, he is sad, ill, he is disappointed, unhappy, in
despair, he grieves and worries.  In a state of sadness, a person becomes
passive and withdrawn. He tries to save energy to regain lost strength. Often
at the same time with grief comes anger.  We are angry at what made us
suffer.
 
Sadness also has a social function, because a person with all his appearance
sends signals: “I am sad,” “Help me,” “Console me.”  For some reason,
according to the customs of many cultures, children are required not to
show how bad they are, therefore, in adulthood, people do everything to
hide their true state of mind.  But they rarely succeed.  Our face always
betrays us.  No matter how hard we try to maintain an external calm, an
experienced observer will notice signs of sadness on his face.
 
The extreme form of expressing grief is the complete absence of muscle
tone when the face does not express anything at all. But this happens quite
rarely. Usually, you can still notice the movement of the eyebrows, eyes or
muscles of the forehead.  Eyebrows rise up, but not all, but only their
tips. They also seem to shrink. It is almost impossible to simulate. I call this
movement "Woody Allen's eyebrows" because it is his usual expression.
 
Eyebrow movements, in turn, lead to the formation of wrinkles on the
forehead. The tips of the eyes are also lifted up a bit, together with the
eyebrows it forms a sort of triangle, which we, the professionals, will
definitely notice. Even if a person tries not to show that he is sad, his raised
eyebrows and the corners of his eyes, forming a triangle, will give him out
with giblets.
 
When grief is strong, eyes are tense.
 
Grief is sometimes mistaken for disgust.  Why?  Because with a frustrated
person, the corners of the lips go down, the lower lip protrudes slightly
forward, like an offended child, and just like his, a chin can frown. In case
of disgust, the upper lip is raised, and the lower lip remains in its same,
neutral position. If the corners of the mouth are lowered and the lower lip is
slightly protruding, but at the same time there is no triangle out of the eyes
and eyebrows, then this is one of those few cases where it is impossible to
guess what the person feels. It is necessary to wait for any signs of emotion
to appear on the face.
 
If a person wants only to portray that he is sad, he will most often use the
lower part of the face (that is, the mouth) and look down. The absence of
signs of sadness in the eyes, eyebrows, and forehead indicates that they are
trying to deceive you. (Of course, there are exceptions, but they are usually
rare.) Therefore, first of all, you are looking for a triangle.
 
If a sad person wants to hide his condition, he will focus on his lips, will
represent a smile, but the triangle will remain.
 

Anger
We get angry most often at obstacles and all sorts of hindrances that prevent
us from doing what we want, that is, getting in our way. We get angry when
everything goes wrong, as we planned, or is not working.
 
We can be angry with ourselves too.  Another reason could be violence or
the threat of violence. In this case, we are both afraid and angry at the same
time.  We are angry at those who betray or deceive us.  We get angry if
someone does something wrong or ugly. Pure anger cannot be experienced
for a long time, most often it is mixed with other emotions, such as fear or
disgust.  Anger is the most dangerous feeling because we want to inflict
physical harm on the one we are angry with. We receive these impulses at a
very early age, and we learn to restrain ourselves throughout our lives.
 
So what is all this for? Anger acts as a stimulus to the desire to change the
cause of this feeling. We just need to understand exactly what made us so
angry.  Often we get angry for no reason.  We cannot take any actions in a
state of anger, because we cannot objectively assess the situation. It is best
to sit down, calm down and wait for the moment when you can take a fresh
look at the situation.
 
If we face the threat of violence, then anger can be very useful—it reduces
the fear that paralyzes. And anger, on the contrary, stimulates action. Unlike
other manifestations of feelings, all parts of the face are activated when
expressing anger.

When a person is angry, his eyebrows move and fall, his forehead remains
smooth. If you see only this sign of anger, then your interlocutor is angry,
but he is trying to hide it or is slightly irritated and is about to get
angry. This may be a sign of deep concentration or embarrassment.
 
If your interlocutor lowers his eyebrows, although you just chat about this
and that, it means that he is trying to concentrate on the conversation—and
you better explain once more what you said. Darwin considered this mimic
muscle an indicator of difficulty, as we use it when we encounter a problem.
Nevertheless, tightly compressed lips—one of the first signs of anger. Jaws
are tense, eyes are focused—a person is ready to repel any attack.
 
It is very easy to simulate anger because at the same time muscles that are
easy to control are active.  To guess, what simulates a person or not, you
need to keep track of time.  When did an expression of anger
follow? Immediately after the words/actions that could annoy a person? Or
later?  Anger is very easy to portray.  Often this is done to hide other
emotions.  Thank God, we live in a society where it is simply indecent to
depict anger all the time, so people rarely resort to this. But if a person is
really angry and tries to hide it, then, first of all, pay attention to lowered
eyebrows, intense eyes, and tightly compressed lips.
 

Fear
Fear is a feeling that we know about, it seems to us, almost everything. It is
very easy to scare animals during the experiment.  Fear is associated with
the risk of injury, physical or mental.  It can cause rapidly moving in our
direction objects, or when we lose balance and can fall.  We are afraid of
pain, and going to the dentist makes us afraid.  Most people (but not all)
from childhood are afraid of snakes and spiders or heights.
 
We have two biological methods of protection: hide or run. Blood rushes to
the legs to make it easier to move. To hide means to find the protection that
animals do in a moment of danger.  In the bright light of the headlights
animals "freeze".  This may seem strange to you, but the truth is that
predators have weak eyesight: they see only what is moving. When a person
says, “I froze with fear,” it means that he is trying to hide, to become
imperceptible.
 
If a person can neither escape nor hide, then his fear has every chance of
becoming anger. In other words, if the nervous system does not seem to be
a productive command to “run away” or “hide”, then it is replaced by an
impulse to action.  We are angry at what threatens us.  A facial expression
signals two things: “There is danger, it is nearby, be careful!” And
“Help! Take me away from here!". Facial expression plays a very important
role because the voice often refuses to fear, a person cannot make a sound.
 
In a state of fear, a person's eyebrows are raised but remain straight. In other
words, they are the same as in surprise, but the inner corners are shifted,
and they are not raised so high. Wrinkles appear on the forehead. The raised
eyebrows can speak about the restrained anger. 
 
If a person decides to depict fear, he will surely want to do this by changing
the lip design and forget about eyebrows.  Usually, scared eyebrows alone
are enough to make a conclusion about the state of a person. The only case
associated with fear, in which the eyebrows are not active, is when a person
is in a state of shock. He was paralyzed, and all he can do is open and close
his mouth.
 

Disgust
Do the following: swallow—you will feel that your mouth is dry. Wait until
it moistens again.  Feel it?  Now imagine that you spit in a glass and then
drink.
 
The reaction to disgust is an attempt to distance oneself. Unpleasant taste is
the desire to spit. The mere thought of unpleasant food can cause disgust. It
is also caused by odors and slimy objects.  Some actions cause the same
emotions, for example when someone torments his pet or is sexually
attracted to children.  The most natural human secretions can also cause
disgust: feces, blood, vomiting.  Disgust occurs when they are separated
from the body, as in the case of saliva: while it was in the mouth, everything
was normal. The only difference in the first and second case, when I asked
to swallow saliva, was that in the second case it had time to go outside.
 
We begin to feel disgust from 4-5 years, and often it is an endless source of
humor.  Like in the movie "Everyone is crazy about Mary" and "Dumb,
Dumber."  And how many people look at their handkerchief after blowing
nose into it? And how does the German toilet work? (For those who do not
know: the toilets in Germany are designed so that the excreta does not
immediately fall into the water, but first, lie in the toilet and only then
under the influence of water are flushed down the drain. Think at your
leisure why.)
 
An adult person often has an aversion to other people, especially to those
who violate morality, dishonest politicians, etc. At the same time, ideas
about morality are different among different nations.
 
Disgust is a very strong feeling.  Psychologist John Gottman for 14 years
recorded video interviews taken from 650 couples, and he and his team
made an interesting conclusion: within three minutes you can understand
whether the marriage will continue or not.  This is seen in disgust.  If
someone subconsciously demonstrates disgust, especially if it is a woman,
then the couple is likely to divorce over the next four years.
 
Disgust implies a desire to move away from the object that caused it. For
example, aversion to blood and other bodily secretions helps us not to get
infected, but on the other hand, this feeling interferes with empathy and
certain social functions.  Feeling disgusted by someone, we cease to
consider him a man.  This is often abused by politicians and religious
preachers.  To those whom we do not consider people, we show less
sympathy. Like in Star Wars: it's easier to shoot soldiers in plastic helmets
when you don't see their faces.
 
Eyebrows with a strong disgust are lowered down, but they are not the most
important thing. Here, the nose is what matters, as in the example when we
say: “Ugh, what a stench!  When was the last time you washed a hamster
cage?
 
Disgust is easy to simulate because it is an expressive emotion.  We often
use an expression of disgust, illustrating the subject matter.  At the same
time, the forehead and eyebrows are not active, we express disgust only
with the help of the muscles of the lower part of the face, so it is easy for us
to both hide our feelings and simulate them.
 
If you are not sure of the feelings of the interlocutor, look at his
nose. Usually, it is difficult for us to control the wrinkles formed around the
nose when we feel disgust.  We can smile, but unconsciously wrinkle our
nose in disgust. 

 
Contempt
Contempt for external expression is close to disgust.  But if you look
closely, you will notice a difference. Contempt manifests itself in relation to
other people and their actions.
 
Unlike disgust, contempt is not born in relation to objects.  The song
"Macarena" can cause disgust, but not contempt. But we can despise those
who put the tune from "Macarena" as a signal to their phones. I think you
understand me.
 
There are other kinds of contempt based on sociocultural factors, such as
the slight contempt that young people feel towards adults or the contempt
that uneducated people feel towards educated people.  People who are not
confident in their status or position often use contempt as a weapon. Many
get satisfaction by despising people below their position.  This is a fairly
effective method, except that a person who despises one and all, often
remains completely alone.
 
Pay attention to the nose, cheeks and upper lip.  It doesn't matter that she
smiles. We understand that this girl will not wash dirty potatoes.
 
I have already talked about the experiment with couples conducted by
Gottman. If a woman expressed contempt, then the couple had no chance of
saving the marriage.  Gottman even managed to measure the degree of
contempt.  When contempt expresses a dominant family member (most
often a man), then another family member (most often a woman) feels
pressure from him. It seems to her that their problems cannot be solved, that
their marriage is threatened, and she may even get sick from
anxiety.  Moreover, such consequences caused precisely the signals of
contempt, and not anger or disgust.  Therefore, it is on these signals that
particular attention should be paid in love relationships. A few years ago, I
myself had a relationship with a girl who had stalled. For several months, I
felt irritated about her lifestyle.  Once I discovered that when I think of a
girl, My facial muscles are tense. I was shocked when I realized that I was
sending signals of contempt.  Naturally, I immediately changed my
behavior.  I began to monitor the facial expressions carefully, and this, in
turn, had a positive effect on my emotions. Unfortunately, it was already too
late to save our relationship, and, of course, the reason was not only in me
but at least we were able to part normally.
 
Contempt is often expressed in raising one corner of the mouth. It turns out
something like a wry smile.  Remember Elvis Presley or Billy Idol before
they start singing.  Often raising the corner of the mouth coincides with a
snort.  Look down.  We literally “look from the top down” at the one we
despise.
 
If a person was born with an expression of contempt on his face, then he
may have problems.  Former Swedish Prime Minister Göran Perston was
often called arrogant, and Finnish newspapers even gave him the nickname
Buffalo. 
 

Joy
The spectrum of positive (as well as negative) emotions is wide, but,
unfortunately, they are not so many words, therefore we limit ourselves to
“joy” and “happiness”. Positive emotions evoke beautiful things and
pleasant smells, pleasant news, and communication with friends.
 
We easily recognize the joy by the voice: she has her own timbre and her
own intonation. We can express joy through relief, surprise and excitement,
for example, when we rejoice that which we do not understand. Ecstasy is
the maximum degree of joy, it is the mixed emotions of inner pride and
satisfaction. Parents can feel joy and pride when their child takes the first
step. Jews even have a special Yiddish word for this emotion. There is also
gloating—a special form of joy about the failures of other people.
 
We all subconsciously seek joy, and this stimulates us to action. We make
friends, we thirst for new impressions and experiences.  Positive emotions
inspire us to the actions necessary for our survival (sex, family
relationships, taking care of children). And science has long confirmed that
optimists live longer.
 
Of course, there is a difference between a fake and a real smile. With a real
smile, the corners of the lips are lifted upward, and wrinkles form around
the eyes. In this case, the eyes narrow, eyebrows down. We can consciously
control the muscles of the mouth and portray a smile, but we cannot control
the muscles around the eyes. Only ten percent of people are able to control
eye movements with a smile.  Now they understand what is meant by the
phrase “smile with one mouth”. One who pretends to smile often does not
follow his eyes and eyebrows. Try to do this, and you will see how young
children will run away at the sight of your strange facial
expression.  Specialists who observed married couples noted that some at
the meeting were smiling with their eyes and mouth, while others only with
their mouth. Apparently, there is a direct connection between these muscles
and parts of the brain responsible for pleasure.
 
We recognize a fake smile at lightning speed.  With those who learn from
me, I often conduct the following experiment.  I use a photo, on one of
which a smile is simulated.  Participants are informed that this person is
happy, but in the photo they see a person smiling with lips alone, that is,
pretending to smile.  Photos are shown on the screen for a split second.  It
would seem that in such a short time only wide smiling lips can be noticed,
but most of the participants had a feeling that something was wrong
here.  They could not explain exactly what was wrong until they were
looking more closely at her and did not understand that the smile was
insincere.
 
So if you so need to portray the joy, you have to sweat. For example, smile
full-length to deceive the body and give him a command to use all the
muscles involved in the expression of joy. Then automatically the eyes will
also begin to “smile,” and the smile will be sincere.  In this case, to
recognize a fake smile can only be on the eyebrows, but it is quite difficult.
 
Mixed Emotions
How to Respond to the Manifestations of Emotions?
What to do if you recognize this or that feeling? You don't want your visitor
to suspect that you are trying to analyze his thoughts? Before you begin to
respond, you need to decide what you see: a sign of weak feelings or an
attempt to hide strong ones?  For this, you need to pay attention to the
context. If you see these signs at the beginning of a conversation, then you
and your words are hardly their reason. Most likely, the person has already
experienced this feeling before your meeting and it has nothing to do with
you personally, but it can tell you exactly what the person expects from this
conversation.
 
Most of the emotions are expressed on the face in just a few seconds. The
stronger the feeling, the brighter it is expressed and the longer it remains on
the face.  Too short a signal indicates an attempt to hide the mood—
consciously or unconsciously, too long—suppression of feelings (if a
person, of course, does not pretend).
 
We try to avoid manifestations of some emotions. It is desirable to prevent
them before the person realizes that he is experiencing. Other feelings can
be given the opportunity to develop in the course of your conversation.  I
propose a series of strategies for managing basic emotions. 
 
Right answers
A) Woe, anger.
Woe = eyebrows. Anger = mouth.
 
B) Surprise, fear.
Surprise = forehead, eyebrows, eyes.
Fear = mouth.
 
B) Disgust, surprise.
Aversion = mouth, nose, eyes.
Surprise = mouth.
 
D) Anger, contempt.
Anger = eyebrows, eyes.
Contempt = mouth.
 
D) Sadness, fear.
Sadness = eyebrows, eyes. Fear = mouth.
 
E) Disgust, fear.
Aversion = mouth, nose, eyes.
Fear = eyes, eyebrows, forehead.
 
G) Fake joy.
Joy = mouth, everything else is neutral.
 

Sadness
Should I respond to sadness? It depends on whether the feeling is caused by
communication with you or previous experience of the interlocutor. Every
person must sometimes be alone with himself and think about the reason for
his own disorder.  He should be able to hide.  Of course, you can carefully
ask if everything is in order, but even in this case, first, pay attention to the
context. Sending signals of sadness, a person says that he needs attention,
care, and comfort. The only question is—whose? Maybe he would prefer to
be comforted by someone else?
 
If you are familiar with a close friend or relative of your interlocutor, give
him a hint at what you have seen. It is easier for a colleague to console an
employee than his boss. If we are talking about a person close to you, you
can say that you are always ready to listen to him.
 

Anger
Watching anger, you should not forget that we do not know its reason and to
whom it is directed (it’s not at all necessary that it affects you).  Do not
forget that it is easy to confuse anger and concentration (maybe it’s just
hard for a person to understand your words). Remember: in any case, it is
better to avoid the word "evil." It is possible that the interlocutor is doing
everything to hide his feelings, and least of all he wants to hear these words:
“Why are you angry?” No, definitely, this is not the best idea.
 
It is better to wait for a day or two when the interlocutor calms down and
you can talk to him normally.  If the conversation has stalled due to the
negative emotions of the interlocutor—pause! Go have a cup of coffee!
 
A good method of managing anger is aikido opinions, which I have already
mentioned in previous chapters.  “If I were you, I would have reacted the
same way.  Sugar?  Milk? ”If you are not able to calm down your
counterpart, try not to take any important decisions and not make rash
actions that may have negative consequences in the future.
 

Fear
If you see that your partner is scared, try to create a sense of security in
him.  If you report bad news to an employee who is showing signs of
anxiety, hurry to assure you that his job is safe and you are happy with its
results. Support the person—do not let him fall.
 
If you talk to a friend and see that he is scared, then you can ask what
worries him and whether he wants to talk about it.  Try rapport or even
physical contact with him. A hug is the best cure for all anxiety.
 

Disgust
Disgust is easy to take for anger.  If your interviewee wrinkles his nose in
disgust, do not show that you have noticed it.  Ask better if anyone has
offended him, but be careful not to cause even greater disgust. Listen to the
person and only then make a well-thought-out argument.  Remember: it is
important to change a person’s mood (especially when it comes to love
relationships).  Unless you attempt to eliminate disgust in time, your
relationship is doomed.
 

Contempt
The same goes for contempt: this is not the most pleasant feeling, and we
would like to avoid its manifestations in relation to us. Of course, there is
contempt for oneself or for the subject of conversation, but it can also be
directed to the interlocutor, that is, to you.  The classic form of contempt
manifests itself on the part of subordinates in relation to their superior ones,
on the part of pupils in relation to teachers, or (in the worst case) on the part
of children in relation to parents.  Your interlocutor may consider himself
smarter than you or think that you are mistaken.
 
The one who shows disgust looks down on you and considers himself better
than you.  This is a difficult situation to change, no matter how hard you
try.  The best thing is to avoid the person who despises you.  You, in any
case, will not succeed in close relationships. If this is your colleague, with
whom you have to communicate every day, and, even worse, if your work
depends on him, then it is better to ask someone else to meet with him and
present your ideas or communicate directly with the supervisor (which is
worth above this colleague). Only in this way you can get the desired result.
 
Look Back
We have already gone quite far in the process of learning to read thoughts
and analyzing people. It is time to take a pause and think about all that we
have learned.  You have learned to understand the signs of non-verbal
communication, have learned to adapt to the interlocutor, to establish a
mutual understanding with him—rapport.  You have learned to use rapport
to make positive changes in the behavior of your interlocutor and to
influence his views. Now you know how to determine the dominant feeling
in the person with whom you communicate. You have learned how to guess
his mood and feelings in the face and how to influence his reactions,
including negative ones.
 
All this you have studied. In theory.
 
It remains only to apply all the knowledge gained in practice. Put the book
aside. Get out of the house, meet people and try, try, try. To understand the
content of the following chapters, you will need all the knowledge that you
have already gained.  To give you an extra impetus to your studies, I will
begin the next chapter with a little real-life story that will help you realize
how important it is to practice mind-reading techniques.
 
When you observe the feelings of the interlocutor, do not forget that the
reason for their occurrence is unknown to you. Even if you want to control
some of his feelings, try to do it carefully and imperceptibly.
 Chapter 6: It's Never Too Late – An
Instructive Story About the Importance of
Being Able to Analyze People
 

 
A few years ago I served as a facilitator at a conference.  Many seminars
were taking place at the same time, and I had to run around, so I was late
for lunch. There were not so many people in the hall, and, noticing a single
man, I sat down at his table. And then I began to tell a funny incident that
happened to me that day but was forced to shut up when he noticed the
interlocutor’s look of disgust, directed at me. He looked at me as if I were a
midge on his plate. I could have ignored it and finished the dish later, but I
had to perform that evening and did not want to think that the public would
react to me in that way.
 
I decided that I had made a mistake without looking at the person at the
table: I simply plopped down on a chair and started talking about
myself.  Therefore, it was necessary to take a closer look at him.  It turned
out to be a classic kinesthetic: full, in a flannel shirt and with a beard. Yes,
yes, he even had a beard.  The fact that he was sitting alone also spoke in
favor of my theory: he ate slower than the others (at a kinesthetic pace). I
myself came running all over, plopped down on a chair and started telling a
typically visual anecdote. No wonder he got so angry.
 
So I continued eating, gradually setting up a rapport with a man, adjusting
to his sign language and pace (which was slower than mine).  When I
noticed that the anger disappeared from my face, I gently asked a few
questions to check if he really was kinesthetic. I asked slowly: was the food
tasty?  What does he think about the conference?  And told the same story
again. Now I carefully chose the words to make it clearer. I described the
weight and dimensions of the items that took part in the story, and this time
he laughs. By the end of dinner, we became friends.
 
It would be very difficult to notice the difference from the side: at first, I
told something and met a look full of disgust, then I told the same story and
was rewarded with a laugh.
 
I used all my knowledge of rapport, expressing feelings, sensations, and
reactions to turn a negative situation into a positive one in just a few
seconds!  I just stopped thinking about myself and became interested in
another person. It’s never too late to install rapport, even if the first attempt
was unsuccessful. I was lucky because my new friend turned out to be the
CEO of the company that hired me for this job.
 
How did that sound?
 
If I am the same as you, then you will like me and mutual understanding
will arise between us. And if you like me, you will want to agree with me.
 Chapter 7: Become a Lie Detector – How
to Recognize Conflicting Signals
 
 
 
In this chapter, I will tell you about the use of non-verbal communication in
practice.  There are signals that we send only in a certain situation.  If you
only knew what your subconscious mind is doing, it is worthwhile to find a
genetically appropriate specimen (read: handsome or pretty).  But before
that, we will deal with another interesting problem: what happens to our
subconscious when we try to lie.
 
A person who claims to be able to read minds and analyze others should
notice when they lie to him. You have already learned to recognize the signs
of falsehood and to guess from the face, whether a person is lying or telling
the truth. But the most difficult thing you have to master.
 
The easiest way to lie is in words.  We do this throughout our lives.  It is
harder to lie using facial expressions, although many people do it well. But
the most difficult thing is to lie with your whole being (or body). We do not
think about it, but the body has its own language and often says what it
wants, and not what we intended.  In conversation, people pay attention
primarily to words, less often to facial expressions and almost never to the
body of the interlocutor.
 
When we suspect a person of lying, we carefully listen to his words, instead
of paying attention to the tone of his voice or body language. But this is the
only way to check whether a person is lying or not.  In fact, we see the
signals of the excitement that he is experiencing (and when he lies too). He
may be nervous, not because he is lying, but for another reason. There are
signals that mean a lie and only a lie—and we need to learn to distinguish.
 
Some people are well versed in lies and its various manifestations. Others
circle the finger easy.  There are congenital liars for whom lying is like
breathing.  They do not send any signals and usually refer to
psychopaths.  There are people who do not know how to lie.  We are all
different. But most of us send signals that can be learned to distinguish.
 
What is a lie?
The ability to recognize lies has always been admired by people.  Without
this skill, it is difficult to work in the police or in court. The testimony of
the classic "lie detector" is sometimes erroneous, so many scientists,
including Paul Ekman, spent so much time and effort to learn to recognize a
lie, and in part, they succeeded. But first, let's think about what a lie is.
 
Most people lie all the time, or rather, their words do not quite accurately
reflect reality. This is how our society and culture are organized, where lies
are accepted. To the question “How are you?” The person answers “Good,”
he does not talk about his problems, because the other person is not
interested in the interlocutor and in fact, he is just being polite.
 
There are situations when people are forced to lie and hide their
thoughts. At a beauty contest, the winner may sob from excitement, while
the losing participants are forced to smile and pretend to be happy for her. If
a lie was not accepted in our society, the participants of the beauty contest
would sob bitterly and something else, they would have pulled the finalist
by the hair. Do not show your true feelings—this is a kind of lie.
 
Of course, these forms of lies do not interest us. We are interested in when
people lie not out of politeness or on sociocultural motives, but on their
own initiative — consciously, knowing that things that do not correspond to
reality. Remember, lies are not only the lies that we speak but also the truth
about which we are silent.  If I say that I won a tennis match, which I
actually lost, then I lie. If I say that I am having fun, but in fact I am sad, I
lie.
 
When someone lies, he does it out of fear of punishment or in the hope of
reward. Our lies always have a reason. There is also a combination of these
two motives: when we want to receive an undeserved reward, but if a lie is
revealed, a fine is waiting for us. For example, everyone will know that we
have lied—this is also a punishment to some extent.
 
Conflicting Signals
A person gives false signals only when the reason becomes a very
significant factor when a person risks something when he is worried. And it
is the excitement that is reflected on his face—the feeling that we can read
as a sign of lies.  First, you need to find all the signals, and then correctly
interpret them. In the case of a lie, there are always two messages: truthful
and deceitful, both equally important, we must learn to distinguish between
them. The message comes not only from our words but also from the whole
body—all the tools that combine under the name "non-verbal
communication" are used. Therefore, we are talking about how skillfully a
person hides a truthful message and gives a lie for the truth. It is about self-
control (that is, control over emotions and reactions). As is the case with the
meaning of a facial expression, a person tries to disguise one feeling with
another.  To understand whether he is lying or not, you need to follow the
channels of communication that are the most difficult to control. A person
who speaks the truth unconsciously sends similar signals, but if we feel a
symbolic discrepancy between words and facial expressions of a person or
movements of his hands, then we can talk about lies. This is what I mean by
“conflicting signals.”  We say one thing, think the other, and do the
third. And the easiest way, of course, is to control your words. 
 
American psychologist Robert Trivers came up with a solution to the
problem for all professional liars. You just need to convince yourself that a
lie is true. Then all of our signals, conscious and unconscious, will carry the
same message.
 
But such manipulations of consciousness carry health risks.  Inconsistent
signals are often referred to as unconscious leakage or simply leakage. You
may think that it’s great to hide your feelings, but people are able to mask
only obvious, obvious signs. Anyway, there is an unconscious leak, which
is also unconsciously perceived by another person (this means that people
notice this, not really aware of what they are doing).
 
When a person lies, he cannot control all the signals that his body sends,
and he will surely give himself away. But there are also pathological liars
who don’t betray themselves, with such you have to be especially
careful. So the absence of leakage is still not a guarantee that they tell you
the truth. In addition, sometimes for a leak, we can take the usual behavior
of a person who is not well known.  That is why it is important to note
whether the signals are the result of a change in a person’s normal
behavior.  It is necessary to carefully monitor his reactions and only then
draw the appropriate conclusions.
 
If the interlocutor sends a number of conflicting signals, it is highly likely
that he is lying.  It may also mean that he is trying to hide his true
feelings. Often it is easy to check. Following the methods outlined, do not
forget that the signals can be sent by a person whose thoughts during your
conversation are simply busy with something else. None of these methods
gives an absolute guarantee. Always pay attention to the context and try not
to make hasty conclusions.  And in general: is it important for you if this
person lying or not?
 
Controversial Body Language
The clearest signals are given by our nervous system. It is very difficult for
us to control them. It’s almost impossible to force yourself to stop sweating
or blush when you worry. Unable to control pupils at the poker table. But
our nervous system reacts only in the case of very strong emotions,—then
what to do if a lie does not cause a person to be very excited?
 

Face
A person's face always expresses two states: feelings that he is ready to
show to others, and his true thoughts, which he does not want to share with
anyone.  Sometimes these two states coincide, but this happens extremely
rarely. If we try to manage our facial expressions, we do it in three ways.
 
• Qualification  –  We add to the existing facial expression another (for
example, we depict a smile to hide the sadness).
• Simulation  –  We change the intensity of the expressions on the face,
making them more or less bright.  This is achieved through the activity of
the facial muscles and the period of time in which they are involved.
• Falsification  (simulation)   –  We show feelings that we really don't
feel.  There are other options, for example, we try not to give out our
feelings (neutralization) or disguise them as others (disguise).
 
In order for others to believe us, we must have good control of the muscles
of the face.  This is especially possible for children who with pleasure
“make faces” in front of a mirror. With age, this ability deteriorates, so we
often have no idea how we look in a given situation. Sometimes we simply
do not have time to prepare, and we do everything as if in the hope that this
will “give a smooth ride”.
 
The most difficult thing is to neutralize your feelings, to pretend that you do
not feel them, especially if these feelings are strong and sincere.  Often a
person (against the will of a person) turns into a mask, and the interlocutor
immediately realizes that there is something wrong, and tries to find out
what is being hidden from him. Therefore liars prefer to mask one feeling
with another. You already know that in disguise, we mainly use the lower
part of the face. This means that our eyes, eyebrows, and forehead give out
our true state.
 
Another, the most common way to disguise is a smile. Charles Darwin had
a whole theory about it.  He said that most often we strive to disguise
negative emotions, and with a smile, there are completely different muscles
that are easy to control at that moment.
 
In the previous chapter, you learned about the difference between sincere
and insincere smiles.  A sincere smile is always symmetrical: both corners
of the mouth simultaneously lift up. A fake smile may well be asymmetrical
(one corner of the mouth is raised). A smile at one corner of the mouth can
also speak of contempt or disgust for the interlocutor. A genuinely smiling
man smiles not only with his lips but with his eyes too.
 
Actors, to seem sincere, try before you smile, remember something pleasant
so that the joy was real.  It should also be remembered that a real smile,
unlike a fake one, does not appear suddenly: a person needs time to realize
the joy. But to portray a lie, just one pulse.
 
Micro-expressions play a big role when you need to guess the state of the
interlocutor.  Sometimes the other person smiles and says nice things, and
we feel that there is something wrong here. Most likely, our subconscious
noted micro facial expressions and correctly interpreted them. The only pity
is that not all people show micro-expressions or show them when they are
trying to suppress emotions, and not to lie.
 

Eyes
They say that a liar can be recognized by the eyes. Recall the expression: "I
see in your eyes that you're lying." There is a statement: if a person looks
away or blinks often, he lies. Perhaps there is some truth in this. But people
are so sure of this phenomenon that now that they are lying, they are trying
to look their interlocutor right in the eyes. Since childhood, we have heard
that a liar is afraid to look into his eyes, but unfortunately, this will not help
us now. There are situations when we look to the side for natural reasons:
for example, we look down, when we are sad, to the side—when we are
ashamed, or we look through a person when he is unpleasant.  The most
experienced liars are those who can look away in time.
 
Excitement also gives the size of the pupils. They expand with excitement
or wonder. Listen to the person and watch his pupils at the same time. If he
tells you something important, his pupils cannot remain the same.
 
When a liar blinks, his eyes usually remain closed longer than in an honest
person. The British zoologist Desmond Morris, who studied the behavior of
animals and people, noticed that this happens, for example, during police
interrogation. This is an unconscious human attempt to escape from reality,
as does an ostrich, burying its head in the sand.
 
It is also important to monitor eye movements. Remember what I told you
about memories and the design of new thoughts? When designing, we use
our imagination, and we need it when we think about the future, create
something new, invent fairy tales, and so on. Depending on whether we are
remembering something or creating a new thought, our eyes move in
different ways.  A lie is also a construction because we are creating
something that was not there. If a visual talks about something and claims
that he has seen everything with his own eyes, and at the same time his gaze
is directed upwards to the right, it means that he is inventing (constructing)
everything.  Then ask yourself: why should he invent something?  For
example, a person tells you: “I stayed at work and was very hungry. Then I
ate pizza with Jock and immediately went home. ”  If at the words “I ate
pizza with Jock” a person looks up to the right, then he is making it
up. Something is wrong here. It is possible that he blatantly lies.
 
A person cannot control his view, which, while constructing, against his
will, will be directed upwards to the right, which is why a liar cannot look
directly into his eyes, but if a person tells you what really was the place to
be, that is, he remembers, he may look you in the eye. This means that if a
person had time to invent a lie, speak it to himself, maybe even memorize
it, then he can calmly repeat it (remember), looking straight into your
eyes. In this case, it does not matter whether he tells about a real event or all
this is the fruit of his fantasy.  Do not forget that not all people fit this
model.  It is worth thinking ten times before letting out to spend the night
with an unfamiliar person, no matter what he tells you.
 

Arms
It is more difficult to control the face than other parts of the body because
the activity of the facial muscles is associated with brain function. But we
are often betrayed by other parts of the body, such as hands. Our hands can
give a variety of signals.  As in the case of words, a certain gesture has a
certain meaning (emblem), understood by all representatives of the same
culture. For example, Winston Churchill's gesture in the form of the Latin
letter V, formed by two fingers, means victory, and all representatives of
Western civilization know this.  Lie gestures easier than ever.  It is only
necessary to answer the question “Did you win the match?” By lifting up
two fingers. Even if in fact we brutally lost.
 
Sometimes we use gestures unconsciously, and they can tell us what a
person really thinks and feels because he does not control them. Detecting
them is not easy.  Paul Ekman, for example, discovered a gesture that
students made during a conversation with an unpleasant
person.  Unconsciously, they clenched their hands into a fist, sometimes
even exposing one finger, as if showing the interviewer an indecent
gesture.  But this happened under the table, and this person still could not
see him. There was no doubt that with a gesture the students express disgust
for the interlocutor, although they do not realize that they are experiencing
precisely this feeling.
 
Another well-known gesture is shrugging when we want to show our
ignorance or that we don’t care. The shoulders are raised, and, accordingly,
the hands, too, palms are usually aimed at the other person.
 
There are also hand movements with which we illustrate our statements (for
example, we outline the contours in the air, speaking of abstract
concepts).  All people use their hands when talking, only the activity of
gestures varies from one culture to another.  For example, southern
Europeans—Italians and Spaniards—are very fond of accompanying their
words with intensive gestures.  We rarely pay attention to gestures, but in
fact, they mean a lot to us.
 
It is impossible to communicate with a person who says one thing and
shows something completely different from his hands. In my seminars, I am
doing the following experiment.  I look man directly in the eye, ask how
much time it is, and at the same time point the finger at the window.  In
response, I always get: “Um ... What?”, although, it would seem that there
can be no simpler question. True, there are cases when the use of gestures is
minimized—for example, at the moment of fatigue, when we do not have
the strength or we are bored or sad, and if we focus heavily on the words of
the interlocutor.
 
Creating new thoughts is a complex mental process.  Focusing on the
invention of the new, we forget about gestures. Our body is practically not
involved, only the speech apparatus works.  The absence of gestures is a
sure sign that a person is lying.
 
When I ask how a liar can be identified, people usually respond that he
often scratches his nose. There is some truth in this. People who lie tend to
hold their hands to their faces, but scratching the nose is not so
common. You will be surprised, but quite often the liars cover their mouths
with their hands as if they do not let the words of untruth fly from their
tongues or are ashamed of what they are lying. If a person covers his mouth
with his hand while talking to you, scratches his nose, constantly adjusts his
glasses, tugs at the earlobe, he most likely lies.
 
All these gestures can sometimes be seen from someone who just sits and
listens to another. Agree, we often keep silent about our true thoughts and
do not speak in person to the interlocutor that, in our opinion, he lies. If you
have noticed such signs in the person with whom you speak, try to convey
your thoughts more clearly to convince him of the truth of what was
said. You do not want to be considered a deceiver?
 
Like all other signs, scratching the nose does not necessarily give the person
a brazen liar.  But if your interlocutor scratched his nose several times
during a conversation, it is worth looking for other signs of lying or
silencing the truth.
 
Fun Exercise
I have already said that not all people are the same, that is, not all eye
movements correspond to the model. But everyone makes some movement
when they create a construction in their minds. The following exercise will
help you learn how to determine when the other person comes up with
something.
 
Step 1
Ask the interlocutor to present something, for example, Gioconda depicted
in the painting by Leonardo da Vinci.  Give him time to mentally see the
picture and carefully watch the movements of the eyes.
 
Step 2
Ask the interviewee to present the same picture, but with some
variations.  For example, Mona Lisa, covered with a five-year-old
child.  Give him time again to mentally see the picture and watch his
eyes. Your goal is to check whether it follows the system or uses some of its
own movements in the design.
 
Step 3
Offer the interlocutor to submit something else and make sure that he
performs the same movements all the time.  (Just ask for a new picture,
otherwise, the design will not work—he will just remember the previous
exercise.)
 
The Rest of the Body
When talking, you should also pay attention to the posture, legs, and feet of
another person.  The interested person will straighten his back and turn to
you, the indifferent will drop his shoulders and bend a little.  If the
conversation is delayed, the person can lean on the wall or sit on the edge of
the table and remain in that position until the interlocutor realizes that he is
behaving indecently and interest in the conversation does not appear again.
 
We rarely pay attention to the signals that the legs and the feet
give. Probably, because most of the time we keep them under the table, and
because we are accustomed to look the interlocutor in the eye, not paying
attention to his body.
 
A classic example is a travel agent who for forty minutes tried to sell a tour
package to a young couple. He was extremely kind all the time, but in the
last half-hour, he thought that he could sell ten permits for the time that he
was talking to these stupid teenagers. The travel agent did not realize that
the last half-hour he was kicking the floor with one foot in the direction of
his interlocutors—a very obvious and aggressive signal. Another example is
a shy girl who, on a date, tries to portray relaxation and languor, with her
legs convulsively squeezed under the table.
 

Suppressed Gestures
There are many situations that cause people stress, nervousness or
excitement.  It is normal to be nervous before an interview at work or an
important presentation, before the birth of a child, passing exams, etc.
Another thing is when a person is nervous because he lies in an important
question.  Such situations provoke the release of energy, which must
somehow be spent. If you don’t put it anywhere, then, against the will of a
person, his hands will begin to shake, no matter how he tries to portray
calmness.  In the worst case, a person may even lose consciousness,
therefore in such situations, he is trying to occupy himself with
something.  Here the so-called repressed gestures (or repressed actions)
appear—small, often repetitive movements that do not carry any
meaning. They all mean that a person is tense or nervous. He can tap on the
table,  snapping fingers or tearing the paper into small pieces.  Of course,
there are people who just need to keep their hands busy, but their actions
will not be repetitive.
 
A person who has found something to occupy his hands may otherwise
remain completely calm and even unaware of why he is shifting handles
from one box to another. And for you, it will be a sign of enormous internal
tension. The only question is what caused this condition.
 
At the airport, staff often look out for the crowd of passengers for precisely
those who make senseless repetitive movements with their hands and are
most likely afraid to fly, although they do not show it.  But on the plane,
they can break down. Such passengers spend a lot of time in the smoking
room.  By the way, after the events of September 11, their number has
increased dramatically. 
 
Take a closer look at them. A man in a suit, nervously shaking ash from a
cigarette. A lady methodically breaking matchstick after matchstick. By the
way, smoking can also be such an action, if a person smokes mechanically,
cigarette after cigarette. The press service of Arlanda Airport (Stockholm)
has confirmed that security officers pay attention to these signals.
 

Voice Changes
You can learn to choose the right words when talking, but it is difficult to
learn how to control the voice by which these words are pronounced. Our
emotions affect our voice, but I will tell you a little secret: even with words
we are not managing as well as we think.
 

Tone
You, probably, have already noticed: when a person is angry, his voice
becomes thinner, shrill.  Moreover, he begins to speak louder and louder
than in the normal state. When we are sad, the opposite happens: the voice
becomes muffled, throaty. The person speaks slower and quieter than usual.
 
When someone tells a lie and at the same time feels a sense of guilt, the
same changes take place with his voice as during anger.  His voice
automatically becomes thinner and louder, and he speaks faster than
usual. If a person is ashamed of himself, his voice sounds the same as if he
were sad. He speaks slowly and subdued. If you notice any of these changes
in the interlocutor's voice for no apparent reason, this may mean that he is
lying to you.
 
Bill Clinton scratched his nose 26 times during the Lewinsky process.
 
As it turned out, not only psychologists and body language researchers
followed Clinton’s nose during this process, then the president’s personal
adviser on communication with the media forbade him to even touch his
nose, because by scratching him he reduced the level of trust in himself to
almost zero.
 

Speech
Those who lie are prone to making pauses in a speech where they should
not be, for example in the middle of a sentence or before answering a
question.  In this way, people try to gain time.  Liars may even moan
something inarticulate, like “Uh-uh”, while their brain is trying hard to
come up with another lie.  Sometimes a person even stutters with
excitement.
 
It is common for a liar to repeat often, to say the same thing over and over
again.  Sometimes he begins to speak in long sentences—so long that it
seems as if they have no end. And all this because a person is afraid that he
will be interrupted.  All these changes are a sign that not everything is in
order in communication with this person and you should carefully look
closely at him.
 
Changes in Word Usage
Liars often express themselves in words too. They begin to speak like they
never said before, and such platitudes that the lie immediately becomes
obvious. Sometimes even the liar himself realizes that he is all nonsense but
simply cannot stop. Words seem to break out of the language.
 

Misty Remarks
Liars love to beat around the bush, to make vague hints, to wag the tongue,
without denoting the essence of what they want to say.  A liar can answer
the following question:
 
"Well ... basically ... you can say that ... well, it could be ... maybe that ...
probably ..."
 

Repeat and Repeat

Liars do not like to go into details. They would rather repeat the same lie
over and over than explain something.
 
For a person who speaks the truth, it will not be difficult to supplement the
information with new details or transfer it in a more compressed form. The
memory is not something that we get out of the memory box, blow away
the dust particles and put it back.  The memory changes depending on the
context in which it was addressed.
 
A person who speaks the truth can place accents in different ways, telling
the same story several times. A liar always tells the same thing out of fear
of being caught up in mismatches. However, he will not go into details. If
you suspect a person is lying, ask them to clarify something. For example:
 
- I was alone all evening. I watched TV. Then he went to bed.
- What did you watch?
“I ... well ... this is ...
 

Pretentiousness
Liar is prone to using lush rhetoric, for which nothing stands. His speech is
extremely abstract and even logically inconsistent. People try to create the
illusion of clarity, when in fact nothing is clear.  For example, the former
mayor of New York, charged with tax evasion, said: “I did not commit a
crime. I just did not follow the law,” or Clinton on the question about the
relationship with Miss Lewinsky:“ It depends on how you look at it. ”
 
Another classic example: “This question can be answered with both yes and
no, depending on how it is formulated.”
 
Do not forget that repressed actions (repressed gestures)—it is natural for a
person.  There are situations that trigger a burst of energy that we cannot
find a way out of.  In such situations, we are simply forced to snap our
fingers, bite our nails or pull at a candle. There are periods in life when our
energy level is above the norm. Look—what gets a teenager who was told
to sit quietly?
 

Negation
Liars often use a negative form, talking about what things are not, instead of
saying what they are. Often this affects politicians. A well-known example
is President Nixon with his statement: “I am not a fraudster.”  Although it
would be easier to say "I am an honest person." Nixon was so worried about
the denials that would have to be done, as the phrases built accordingly.
 
If a politician says that taxes cannot be raised, the quality of social security
cannot be deteriorated, and so on, instead of saying that taxes should be left
at the same level and that medical care can be improved, then he is
lying.  That is what he intends to do in fact—to raise taxes and cut
subsidies.  In the words of Bismarck: "Never believe anything in politics
until the fact is officially refuted."
 
Remember: "I am not a liar" means just the opposite.
 

Distance and Depersonification

Liars avoid talking about themselves in the first person. “I” and “mine” are
infrequent words in their dictionary.  In this way, they distance themselves
from lies. For the same reason, a liar often tries to summarize information,
using such words as “always”, “never”, “all”, “no one” and so on, just not
to talk specifically about whom or what it is about.
 

The Distance in Time

Another way to distance oneself from a liar is to tell a lie in the past
tense.  For example, to the question: "What are you doing?"—a liar can
answer: "I have not done anything."
 

Preamble
Remember films about liars. Often they begin their speech with the phrase
“You won’t believe me, but ...” or “I know it sounds unbelievable, but
...”. A person who is aware that he is saying things that are very far from
the truth often uses these kinds of preambles to give his words
credibility.  Thus, he seems to be telling his interlocutor: “I know that you
have doubts, but believe me, I am telling the truth, no matter how strange it
may seem.” This is a very frequently used trick, so it’s only for a person to
utter a similar phrase, as the alarm sounds in our head.  But sometimes it
works, even in such absurd statements: “It cannot be true!  Do you know
what happened? ”
 

Literacy
I find it striking that at the moment when people lie, they tend to speak
more competently than usual. A person who is very casual about his speech,
choice of words, phonetics, and intonation, suddenly begins to speak like a
diplomat. I think this is not caused by nervousness, but by the subconscious
desire to give weight to your words, to make people believe in what he says
is true.  A liar compensates for the lack of true content with an excess of
beautiful phrases.  So often, we think something is complete shit, but
instead, we say: "We consider it unacceptable in this situation."
 
Nyyyyyyyyyyyy
It takes time to come up with a lie. Hence all these pauses in speech, long
phrases, and words-parasites. Often a liar even speaks in slow motion.
 
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
sameoooooooooooooooooooooooooooomenooquéquiquehoééoupére.
 
You get the picture.
 
You are kind of quiet. You are hiding something from me?
The future promises the liars little good.  Israeli mathematician Amir
Lieberman invented a computer program that analyzes changes in voice and
intonation and thus establishes whether a person is telling the truth or
lies. Lieberman tested the program, worldwide analyzing the voices of the
military, police, security, etc. It is already used in many countries, often
during interrogation or in the investigation of insurance claims. According
to the American journalist who was tested, she is so sensitive that she
distinguishes the smallest lie.  A pair of special glasses with a built-in
microphone, a chip with a computer filling and three small LEDs (red for
lies, yellow for doubts and green for the truth) are often used at the
airport.  Noticing inconsistencies, they can directly ask a person: “Do you
want to hijack a plane?”
 
The program Lieberman received even commercial use.  She is able to
register not only a lie, but also anxiety, fear, and even love. For a couple of
hundred dollars, you can purchase a Lie Detector and install it on your
computer, connect it to the phone and analyze your telephone
conversations. 
 
Skype offers its customers a similar service—lie detector KishKish. I
wonder what happens if everyone starts to check each other on such
detectors? Personally, I would install such on TV during the elections.
 
We Demand Complete Secrecy
Be Careful with the Findings
In conclusion, I want to point out several important things that a self-
respecting people analyzer should not forget. Not always are there enough
signals confirming that the other person is lying. The signal is only a sign
that it is better for a person to look closer, maybe look for other signals. Do
not forget that it is precisely changed in the behavior or appearance of a
person that testify to a lie.  What you take as signals may be its usual
behavior.
 
Do not forget that the signals can speak not only about lies but also about
suppressed emotions.  You should always pay attention to the context.  If
during a conversation with a neighbor on the plane it seems to you that he is
lying, first ask if he is afraid of flying. If you notice signals and are sure that
you are a liar, do not make sudden movements. Gently ask them to repeat
the words or tell them in more detail. Be wise! Do not yell: “You are lying
to me right in the eyes!” I think I did not quite understand. "
 
Remember about aikido.  Direct confrontation leads only to a sharp
resistance of the interlocutor.  He will begin to deny everything, and very
aggressively.  Show understanding, install rapport.  Find out how the
situation actually happened.  Remember: if you are not sure about
something, it is better to step back than to attack.
 
Of course, it’s not constructive to walk around and suspect everyone and
everything that they are lying. Of course, the ability to distinguish a lie may
come in handy, but it can also complicate your life.
 
Therefore, I recommend using it only in emergency situations. Isn't it more
pleasant to trust people? Think about them only good? Find a person who is
suitable only for you and with whom you will be fine? In fact, we always
send signals of whether we like a person or not, but we do not recognize
them well. 
 
There are people who, with their usual behavior, send signals of lies. I know
one such person, for a long time he could not start a relationship with girls
until one of them learned to accept him as he is.  Always remember: you
need to evaluate a person in his usual state in order to determine whether he
is lying or not. A lie is always a change in a person’s behavior. None of us
can lie around the clock.
 Conclusion: A Few Thoughts in
Conclusion
 
Here we come to an end. If you did all the exercises in the book, as I asked
you, then, probably, the reading took you several months.  If you flipped
through it without lingering on the exercises, as I usually do, then a few
days. Books for this purpose are created so that they can be read as you like,
carefully or obliquely, from the beginning to the end or from the end to the
beginning.  No matter how you read the book, the main thing is that you
want to learn how to analyze people. And finally, I want to tell you again:
 
This is the reading of thoughts.
 
Reading thoughts is not a myth, but a real process.
 
It's just that it is a little different from what we think of it. We usually read
with our eyes.  Before reading, we need to see the text, and what we see
stimulates our mental and physical processes.
 
Sometimes people ask me what will happen if everyone learns to read
minds. This will happen, of course, only if the book becomes a bestseller, it
will be translated into all languages and published in all countries of the
world with millions of copies.  This is quite likely, and therefore I will
answer that theoretically, of course, this is possible, and I would be happy
to have been able to contribute to that!
 
  
Empath Skills
 

A Beginner’s Survival Guide to

Understand Empathy and Gain Self-
Confidence. The Best Techniques to
Develop Your Emotional Intelligence,
Overcome Your Fears, and Master Your
Emotions
 
 
 
 
 
 

By
Brandon Dark
 Introduction
 

 
All of us are emotional. It is just a part of being a human being. We all have
a way of handling our emotional selves in the face of everyday life,
unexpected moments, failures, successes, and all of life’s trials and
tribulations. Not all of us are equipped to handle our emotions successfully
—and for some who are more inclined to absorb other people’s feelings, it
can be even harder to process your own personal experience and
differentiate it from someone else’s.
 
If you are an empath, you may be familiar with this—and if you don’t know
if you are or not, this book can help you identify what that means and if you
are one. What is an empath? An empath is a person who can understand the
mental and emotional reflections of another person. Empathy is any
person’s ability to understand someone else’s perspective and “walk in their
shoes,” so to speak.
 
You might wonder what the difference is between being an empath and
being empathic, and you would be right to ask such a question. As this book
unfolds, you will be able to understand how someone who is an empath has
less choice in their skills than someone who can act empathically toward
another person. In general, empaths are a lot like an emotional sponge and
can sense and feel how someone is doing without that person saying any
words about it.
 
Not all empaths are as strongly gifted and skilled at this, while others do
what they can to avoid being “open” like that with anyone, for their own
sanity and mental welfare. For some, it can be an exhausting experience,
especially if you don’t know how to understand and manage your own
emotions, protect or guard yourself against other people’s unwanted
emotional energy, and lack the confidence to appreciate and enjoy your
empathic skills.
 
Empath Skills: A Beginner’s Guide to Understand Empathy and Gain Self-
Confidence is a tool for you to learn how it feels to be an empath, identify if
you are one, as well as how to train yourself to be more emotionally
equipped, less fearful, more self-confident, and more emotionally agile to
handle all of the experiences you have when engaging with other people as
an empath.
 
If you aren’t sure if you are an empath, or if you are looking to advance or
teach yourself the skills of empathy, then this book will give you the
guidance you need to work with the mental and emotional realities of being
an empathic person in your everyday life.
 
This book will cover numerous topics to help you understand the gifts of
the empath, such as understanding what it feels like, what you are sensitive
to when you are strongly empathic, how certain types of people can be
more challenging and difficult for you to be around than others, and so
much more.
 
You will also learn and discover more about how to develop these skills, as
well as how to master your emotions to avoid any challenges or difficulties
with your gifts. There are a variety of ways that you can use this skill in
your normal, everyday life—and for the empath, it can be a real struggle to
find a good balance with others and with the emotions of the self.
 
All you have to do is get ready to learn how to hold your own with your
emotional intelligence, ability to sense and feel other people clearly,
understand the feelings and realities of others, and nurture yourself on all
levels so that you can live a healthy and happy life as an empath.
 
As you read this book, take your time with letting the information sink in
and utilize it in your everyday life to help you survive the challenging times
as an empath. You cannot control other people’s feelings, attitudes, beliefs,
and actions—but you can take control of your own by learning how to
master your emotions and offer empathy to those who surround you.
 
Let’s get started!
 Chapter 1: Empathy: An Introduction
 

 
Empaths are not like everyone else, but anyone can be empathic. What does
it mean to be empathic? The definition of empathy is to understand and
share the feelings of another. This means that if you are able to put your
own self and needs aside, you can really listen and let someone else who
you are talking to reveal their personal ideas, beliefs, thoughts, and realities
—and you can easily allow yourself to be open to honoring and accepting
what they feel about all of these matters.
 
This is an amazing quality to possess, and not all people are taught this skill
when they are growing up as a child. When we are small, our parents and
caregivers are models for us to learn how to act, behave, and experience the
world all around us. If you were nurtured by people who aren’t empathetic,
then how would you even begin to understand what empathy is as you grow
up?
 
It is something that you can learn from your early life and childhood
development, or not, depending on your upbringing—and as it is such a
huge part of human bonding and connection, it is a vital skill and resource
to help you thrive in the world. Many people believe that you have to exist
as a compassionate individual if you want to feel happy, and there is some
inherent truth to this concept: “do unto thy neighbor,” etc.
 
With all of the ways that this world is currently functioning (the epidemic of
mental health issues prevalent in all cultures, the conditioning of technology
and social media) we are designing a reality that hasn’t helped us learn how
to exist as creators of our own happiness and mental/emotional agility. The
practice of empathy is something that takes you to that level, incorporating
a principle of learning to work with your energy and attitude to be open and
available to the emotional needs and feelings of others.
 
The reality is that we all want to be next to someone when we go through
our most difficult and challenging life moments, but that is not always
possible. Having an empathic friend, colleague, or neighbor provide you
with connection when you are feeling alone and discouraged can be a
game-changer, lifting your spirits and helping you to reorganize your
mental process to become more available to growth and overcoming
challenges.
 
If you are known as the person in your office or home life as the “shoulder
to cry on,” then you might already know a thing or two about what it means
to be the empath in your circle. Not all empaths choose this role, however,
and this book aims to explain how there can be differences in the types of
empaths. A major note of the difference between the natural empath and a
generally empathic person is that your emotional openness can cause a lot
of problems if you are not careful and readily available to honor your own
feelings and emotions, as you practice your gift.
 
You can easily get caught up in the drama of someone else’s life if you are
an empath, but you don’t have to. There are aspects of empathy that can be
difficult and even dangerous if you are not aware of what it means to be so
emotionally open and available to all people.
 
In order to get a better idea of how empathy works vs. what being an
empath is, here is an example to differentiate between the two:
You are at an office party and your coworker, Sally, hasn’t said
anything to anyone. She is just standing there quietly, sipping her
drink and listening to everyone’s conversation. You get a sense
that she is feeling “off,” and so later on, when she is standing at
the food table fixing herself a plate, you decide to ask her how
she is feeling.
 
Sally opens up to you that she had to leave work early to go get her
dog at the vet and they told her that her precious companion is in
failing health and only has 6 months left to live. You immediately
feel her pain, knowing what it feels like to lose a pet, after your
experiences of that kind in the past. You listen to Sally explain and
offer her your empathy, understanding exactly how she feels, and
sharing her emotions about having to deal with the impending loss of
a beloved animal.
 
This is an example of having empathy or being empathic.
 
Meanwhile, this is an example of being an empath:
 
You are at an office party and your coworker, Sally, hasn’t said
anything to anyone. You can immediately tell that she is feeling sad
and distressed, and you begin to feel sad and distressed, too. You
don’t want to interrupt the conversation to ask her if she is okay, but
now you can no longer focus on what anyone else in the circle is
saying because you can only feel how Sally is feeling.
 
You notice her walk over to the foodservice table to fix up a plate and
sense that she has not expressed her feelings to anyone and that
maybe you should see if you can help her by asking her if she is okay.
You find out more from her about the situation regarding her pet and
its health, and as she talks about it, your entire body has a reaction,
and your energy lowers to feel her sorrow as she describes her
sadness.
 
 You can feel her energy as if she is holding back tears and you are
able to see beyond her answers to your questions about her feelings,
that she is feeling unhappy to be at the party and wishes she was at
home with her pet. You offer to give her a ride home if it would make
her feel better.
 
For the next several days at the office, you can sense Sally’s emotions
and how low she is feeling because of her pet. You can sense it
almost before she walks by your desk and can tell that she has a
heartache about it. You worry about her and think about how hard it
will be when she loses her companion. You wish there was more you
could do and you spend your lunch break and some of your evening
wondering if she is doing okay and how her pet is.
 
As you can see from the examples, the same scenario depicted the two
different aspects of empathy. Empaths have a much stronger energetic
connection to the feelings of someone else, and it can last for a lot longer in
the day. If you are just offering empathy to a person, you are showing them
that you care and that you feel for their experience, but you can also easily
let it go and move forward with other life matters.
 
An empath will hold that emotional energy and think about it for a long
time, or absorb it into their own feelings and energy until it almost becomes
what they are actually feeling and can’t shake. This is why it can be so
difficult to be an empath. If you are always absorbing and holding onto
other people’s feelings and emotions, over time that will really stack up and
leave you feeling drained, exhausted, and unsure about what you are
actually feeling in your own life.
 
The purpose of engaging with the tools and techniques outlined in this book
is to help anyone who is an empath or is developing their empathic abilities,
as well as to learn how to control these dynamics so that you don’t lose
sight of your own emotional experiences. When you are naturally inclined
to be empathic, you might not even notice or recognize how much energy
you are using to consume other people’s feelings so that they won’t feel
them anymore.
 
If you are someone like this, or you know someone who has this ability,
then you may already understand how exhausting it can feel, and
sometimes, how toxic to the self it can be. There are a lot of reasons that
empaths can be less open and friendly with others, even close family
members; it’s because they are trying not to take on the emotional energy of
someone else so they can stay in more balanced harmony with their own
energy and emotions.
 
You don’t have to be an empath to understand this kind of experience. We
are already having these kinds of connections or experiences most of the
time anyway, with all of the people in our lives. If you think about the last
time you had an argument with someone, you probably carried some heavy
feelings around during and afterward. This emotional energy was a part of
the argument, and it stuck with you. It had a way of taking over your other
senses and feelings about your life and your day and made you feel
unhappy and unresolved for quite some time.
 
These experiences linger with us because they are emotional energies that
live on after the fight. We can’t disconnect from them sometimes, and we
continue to let it impact us going forward throughout the day. The best way
to explain empathy is to understand and know how emotional energy can
have an impact on you.
 
Let’s use a different kind of feeling, instead of an argument. Let’s say you
are giving a speech at your college for graduation, and the whole crowd is
listening to your motivational talk and about what you have all gained
together as a class. Your whole speech is uplifting and creating excitement
in the auditorium. At the end of your speech into the microphone, the whole
auditorium claps and cheers for your words. The room is lit up with the
energy of praise, elation, joy, and congratulations, all of it beaming at you
standing on the stage.
 
All of that energy is emotional and has a way of sticking with you for a long
period of time after your speech. You could carry that “high” feeling around
for a week or more—it’s so powerful! That’s emotional energy, and it can
be even more powerful to an empath.
Moving forward, let’s talk about the benefits of empathy and how it can act
as supportive energy for more than just a few people in your life. Empathy
connects us and shows us that we are not alone in our work, life, love,
struggle, joy, and commitment to knowing who we are as people. There are
so many ways that offering empathic support can be good for you and all of
the people you offer it to. Here are some examples of the benefits of
empathy, according to some studies:
 Empathy lowers your blood pressure, as well as that of the
person you are offering empathy to.
 
It forms bonds and connections between people.
 
It holds you and others accountable for your ideas, thoughts, and
emotions.
 
It helps you to process your feelings with another person.
 
It gives you a chance to understand yourself better.
 
It can resolve issues of anxiety and depression for the person
needing empathy.
 
It opens doorways to new challenges and approaches to life
situations.
 
It promotes a sense of peace wherein you and someone else can
share empathic support.
 
It counteracts negative energies and emotions.
 
It resolves problems and pathological issues.
 
It creates community.
 
 It brings people closer to who they are without fear or judgment
of being their true selves.
 
It broadens perspective.

These examples are only a sample of what empathy can do for anyone in
the world. It hasn’t been socially regarded as a therapeutic tactic, but it has
been shown to be a way to give people a quality of emotional and mental
support that can relieve stress, tension, anxiety, and depression and deliver
people to a better feeling of emotional control and stability as they grow on
their path.
 
Hence, for the person who is the more empathic, or rather, the “shoulder to
cry on,” you will have a lot to offer someone in need of your emotional and
empathic support and like with anything else, there are downsides to
consider. Before we get to the possible issues of being an empath, let’s
consider the different types of empath there are.
 
The following section will illustrate some of the more common ways that
empathy can manifest for a person. Keep in mind that if you are an empath
and not just empathic, then you will likely feel some of these things in a
more heightened way.
 

The Different Types of Empath

Emotional Empath
The most common kind of empath is an emotional empath, and it is just
what it sounds like. In general, the book you are reading pertains mostly to
an emotional empath. An emotional empath will pick up someone else’s
feelings easily, to the point that you experience them as your own and have
difficulty distinguishing the difference between yours and theirs. It is a
much deeper emotional sensation, leading to having emotions that don’t
belong to you, simply because you are near someone who is feeling a strong
emotion. The most important thing for an emotional empath is to learn the
difference between your feelings and someone else’s so that you can better
help others with succumbing to emotional exhaustion.
 

Physical Empath
A physical empath is able to “read” the emotional energy of someone’s
physical body, meaning that they can interpret what is ailing someone on
the physical level. This can be like seeing someone’s posture and
immediately being able to sense that they have chronic pain in their low
back. Some physical empaths choose to work as doctors, healers, and
medical professionals because of their skills. Sometimes, this ability will be
felt, or “picked-up” in your own body and can lead to chronic fatigue
symptoms if you are not aware of your ability to pick up on this kind of
energy.
 

Geomantic Empath
For someone with this type of empathy, they can understand the energy of
the environment. This could be like walking into a room or a building and
automatically being able to discern the energy of the space. Many people
associate this form of empathy with environmental studies and those with
an urge to help with ecology and sustainability might be a geomantic
empath. Usually, you sense this ability if you either feel incredibly
uncomfortable or alternately, incredibly at ease and at peace, in certain
environments. It’s like “reading the room.” With this type of empathy, you
will likely feel a deeper bond to certain locations, landscapes, buildings, or
places in nature. It is possible, too, that you are sensitive to the historical
and cultural history of a certain environment and are able to feel that energy
as well.
 

Horticultural Empath
For this type, it is all about plants and how they “feel.” Someone who is a
horticultural empath will likely feel drawn to flora and how plants exist in
relation to you and the space that you are in. For those who are drawn to
working with plants and gardening, you might have this type of empathic
tendency.
 

Animal Empath
An animal empath can feel the emotions of their pets, as well as those of
wild animals in nature all around the world. You will likely know just what
an animal wants or needs if you have this skill and can offer the pet another
kind of support and comfort based on your emotional understanding of their
reality.
 

Intuitive Empath
An intuitive empath can understand something about a person simply by
being in their presence. This can come with a lot of practice if you are any
of the other kinds of an empath, and it is something that naturally occurs if
you are open to your gifts and skills. With this type of empathy, you can
usually tell immediately if someone is lying to you, or if they are hiding
their feelings behind the words they are choosing to express themselves
with. This can create an issue of being too open to others and requires that
you understand how to guard and shield yourself well.
 
This book will mostly focus on the emotional and intuitive empath, but all
of the techniques and guidelines in this book will be beneficial to any kind
of empathy you may have or experience. You can look forward to knowing
and understanding all of the various ways that being an empath can be a
wonderful gift and before you get further into those aspects of empathy, it is
important to look at how there can be challenges to working with this type
of emotional availability all of the time.
 
The next chapter will focus on how people become empaths naturally
during their early childhood development as well as the neurological and
physiological aspects of what it means to be or become an empath.
 Chapter 2: Understanding the Empath
 

 
None of us comes into the world while knowing what empathy is—it is
modeled, taught, and learned. It is also something that can naturally occur
in the brain function simply because we are all human—and when we see
another person in need, a lot of times the urge is to aid them or offer them
some kind of consideration.
 
It begs the question: where does this ability really come from, and how are
some people more of an empath than others? There are certainly a variety of
ways that these skills can manifest or become a part of someone’s regular
personality and attitude in life. It isn’t just a process of deciding to become
an empath and all of a sudden you are one; there is a strong physiological
and biological link to your empathic skills, as much as your genetics and
early life history and environment play a part.
 
There is always some kind of debate in the scientific community about what
can cause or create certain functions in our brains and thought processes,
and in the case of empathy and studying how it works in all of us, there are
certainly some specific, neurological causes that form these connections in
the mind, allowing someone to comprehend someone else’s experience
through a form of emotional mimicry.
 
Other components can also play an important role in your mental and
emotional ability to practice empathy—for example, your quality of life as
a child. There is the argument of what genetic factors might play a role
compared to how you are nurtured and cared for by your family and
caregivers. Early life is when you begin to form your personality, and so
much of it is impacted by what you are shown by the people in your life.
All of the above can be a major force in how someone becomes an empath.
 
To gain a better understanding of what it can look like from the
neurological standpoint, let’s learn a little something about mirror neurons
and how they can become a part of your brain’s ability to understand and
practice empathy as an adult.
 
The Empath and Mirror Neurons
Did you know that your brain is more powerful at computing than any
computer in the world today? That 3 lbs. of tissue in your skull is a massive
machine that can process information in a way that no technology can (at
least not yet). The brain is still a mysterious organ that many neuroscientists
today feel mystified by as they continue to delve deeply to understand our
cognitive abilities and other brain functions.
 
As with any type of scientific research, the neurological studies that were
conducted a decade ago, might not hold sway anymore as we have
continued to discover new ideas about what the brain can actually do,
through several different studies. Today, scientists are still discovering how
empathy works in correlation to your mind matter, and there are a lot of
valuable theories that seem to explain some of what can go on in mind to
establish an empathic sense.
 
Recent research in the field of psychology, neurology and empathic studies
have looked at the connection between mirror neurons and empathy. The
human brain has trillions of neurons, and only some of them are considered
to be mirror neurons. These are the only neurons that have been linked to
empathic behavior, and as such, have been studied in specific cases to try
and understand how empathy really plays a part in your mental cognition
and function.
 
Mirror neurons are located throughout the brain and are not confined to one
specific location, so you will find the same mirror neurons in the temporal
lobe—where you process language, hearing, and memory—as you would in
the frontal lobe, where you produce speech, control motor skills, and solve
problems. There is still a lot of research being done to understand how these
mirror neurons function and how they are linked to certain aspects of our
growth.
 
Current research describes the following functions of the mirror neurons of
your brain:
Understanding Language
This will relate to your ability to learn language by hearing what your
parents say to you as a small child, mimicking their words and
language to learn it through watching and copying mouth movement,
as well as auditory response and reaction.
 
Imitation
This is an automatic reaction that will often occur starting at a
newborn’s age when a child will copy, or mimic what the person is
doing, such as smiling or sticking a tongue out playfully. Children
continue to do this as they get older.
 
Reading and Understanding Intentions
This relates to knowing when someone wants you to follow their
lead, by copying what they are showing you how to do, such as
during instruction or class, or if you are a child, being modeled how
to use a fork to pick up your carrots. This can also develop into
reading someone’s emotional or physical intentions without having to
use words to understand what is being demonstrated.
 
 Observatory Learning
This is how many people learn new skills and is just what it sounds
like: watching someone doing a task and then repeating it, such as
watching someone thread a needle and begin to sew, and then
mimicking the actions on your own.
 
Developing Personal Awareness
This is how someone will determine what kind of a person they are,
through witnessing or observing someone else’s actions and then
making a choice to either perform the same action or choose an
alternative. An example of this would be watching someone jaywalk,
and then deciding to use the crosswalk yourself.
 
This might all seem so simple, and it is when you think about it, but on a
bigger scale, noticing that these mirroring functions are occurring from the
moment you are born, determines what capability you might have to
perform certain functions as you grow into adulthood. If you are “mirrored”
by your caregivers to be unforgiving, disinterested, and incorrigible, then
you might not become a very empathic adult.
 
There is some research being done with regard to mirror neurons and how
they are linked to disorders like Autism and that it is possible that Autism
could be attributed to a lack of functioning mirror neurons. Other sources
have indicated that your early guidance by caregivers and a lack of “healthy
mirroring” is what can lead someone to become a narcissist, sociopath, or
any other kind of person who lacks empathy.
 
The research is still coming forward to ascertain what role mirror neurons
play in any person’s ability to develop empathic skills and our general
ability to experience love, compassion and generosity are what set us apart
from our animal companions here on Earth. The studies on empathy are
certainly offering a gateway to understanding more about this human
condition, and even with this knowledge, there is still the process of
determining if you are a true Empath, or just acting with empathy.
 
An empath will have a much more developed, intricate, and complex
network of mirror neurons. This is what can cause someone with this
natural ability to understand another person’s feelings and actions in a much
stronger and deeper way. It can help, too, to understand a little bit more
about our general identities and how no one is like anyone else.
 
In the matter of the human mind and our experiences, no two people are
alike. We have similarities, we share a lot of our expressions, concepts,
beliefs, and values—and yet, with all of this commonality, no one will ever
have the same reality as another person. This is because of the quality of
your neurological process. Because your brain is formed by your
experiences, you will only know your own path of cognition, programming,
and other mental function. Your memory is unique to your experience, as
much as your dreams are—and each day, everything that occurs will impact
your reality in a way that no one else can truly perceive.
 
That being said, when you are growing and learning, mirroring your world
to get an education on how to exist and develop skills, you are tapping into
your own mainframe computing system, and the complexity of your mirror
neurons depends on so many variables, it can be a challenge to measure
without something like an MRI scan.
 
Mirror neurons grow from infancy and are related to a concept much argued
and studied in the scientific communities, and it can help you understand
more of the connections between empathy and how it is developed.
 

Is It Nature, or Were You Nurtured?

You may know this argument already: are you who you are because it is
innate and genetically programmed into you, or are you who you are
because your early caregivers nurtured you into being? Or is it both? Can
you actually determine who you are based on genetics alone, or do you
need to consider all of the factors, including how you were loved and cared
for, to understand your personality, temperament, disposition, behavior,
attitude, and values as a person?
 
Many people today would argue that both are true and that one doesn’t
really exist without the other. All of it contributes to your overall outcome
as a person, and you can dig deeper into these questions looking for
answers, or not, but the truth of the matter is that you learn what you are
taught while you are living as a genetic report of two other people’s (and all
of their ancestor’s) DNA.
 
Mirror neurons and the concept of Nature and Nurture are significantly
linked. On the one hand, you may have inherited a very robust mind from
both of your parents and will, therefore, have a different kind of cognitive
ability than someone else with different genetics. If, however, that cognitive
ability isn’t nurtured in early life, it might not matter how strong your mind
is. In any case, when we are young, we watch everything that is happening
in the world around us and mimic it to learn how to survive and exist.
 
We watch the activities and actions as much as we watch the feelings and
emotions, of everyone and everything around us. Have you ever been in
front of a child and pretended to cry to show them when someone is sad,
perhaps from the storybook you are reading? You make fake “boohoo”
noises and curl your lip under to give the effect of sadness. What does the
child do? They carefully watch your facial expression change, and your
emotions alter. They might even begin to act sad too, at which point you
immediately change your face into a smile and let them know that you
aren’t really sad.
 
When we are young, our ability to grow neural pathways in mind is
incredibly strong. It is basically all we are doing all day long in the early
years, and so everything that occurs around us has meaning and an impact.
If you are raised in a loving, kind, compassionate, empathic, thoughtful and
open-hearted way, then you will likely grow into a secure adult who has a
strong ability to be empathic toward other people, or even an empath who
can feel someone else’s feelings.
 
Conversely, if you are raised in an environment in which one or both of
your caregivers are emotionally inconsistent or unstable, or there are
difficult and challenging relationship dynamics, then you will learn to
mimic these behaviors as you grow and develop, which will carry into your
adult life and relationships. It is often the case that children of addicts or
parents with mental health disorders become even more empathic due to a
need to be incredibly resourceful and reactionary to their parent’s ups and
downs. This can lead a child to develop a stronger understanding of human
emotion and feeling because of a need to stay safe and survive under such
conditions.
 
The nature versus nurture argument can get a little complicated, and the
best understanding of it is to note that you are as complex. You cannot
pigeon-hole the reality of your growth journey into one or the other faction
and so to understand the process of your mental development and the reality
of how you develop skills of empathy, it is best to recognize that you don’t
inherit empathy; it is given to you through early life education and mental
programming.
 
Childhood dramas play out on the playground to give us opportunities,
away from our parents, to practice learning how to take what we are shown
in the home and apply to the world outside. We act out what we know; then,
other children, teachers, and other people will have their own reactions and
nature/nurture comprehension of the world that they were given by their
caregivers.
 
It is a kaleidoscope of emotions and can be a very exciting and challenging
time for any person, learning from the world around them, even if that
world is only as big as the schoolyard.
 
Empaths have a way of getting this experience in a different kind of way at
an early age. Assuming that not all empaths are born that way, and there are
certain adults who develop their empath skills at a later age—but for many,
it all happens in the formative years and grows over time. The empath on
the playground will always be the one to go over to the kid who got kicked
to the ground and yelled at by the bully, consoling them and forming a bond
of friendship based on a moment of adversity. The empath would be just as
likely to offer that bully some compassion, seeing that their dad was really
aggressive toward them all the time when picked up from school.
 
As a child, you don’t have the knowledge to understand that you are an
empath, or that you can recognize the relationship dynamic between a bully
and his father, but you are developing your skills and learning from what
you experience with your abilities of empathy. You are taking your learned
behavior of empathy and applying to the world around you.
 
Not all empaths are in awareness of their ability, and it can often be
considered a problem. If a child is overly emotional or reactionary, they
might become labeled a “problem child” and even be given special
educational treatment, or put into different classes as a result of their
sensitivity, when really they are just overly affected by other people’s
emotions and internal/external dramas.
 
We don’t know a lot in our culture about how to identify or treat the
empathic child, and we could do well to engage those qualities and help
them thrive, rather than consider it an issue. As the empath gets older, they
can learn new information about their own mental and emotional
experiences that may lead them to discover and identify that they are an
empath and not an overly sensitive person with emotional problems.
 
You may not yet know if you are an empath, but so far you have learned
what neurological and psychological factors can contribute to that
foundation being built. Perhaps you have identified strongly with your own
childhood experience giving you an opportunity to develop empathy in
more ways than one. There are significant qualities and characteristics that
can help you identify if you are an empath, or just capable of being
empathic. Either way, you can improve your empath skills and abilities in
new ways as you look further ahead into this guide.
 
The next chapter will offer a more detailed understanding of what the
empath is sensitive to and also what gifts they can possess. There are a lot
of noticeable traits and qualities, and you can decide for yourself with this
information, just how empathic you actually are.
 Chapter 3: Empath’s Sensitivities and
Gifts
 
 
 
Whenever someone talks about being an empath, you might notice that they
describe some of their issues—like having a lot of exhaustion, always
feeling tired and drained, or being really indecisive about how to handle
certain social or personal issues. If you are an empath, you may already be
familiar with some of the ways you get distorted in your energy and
emotions when you are around certain people or in certain situations.
 
Not all empaths feel this way when they are experiencing their gifts, and
those folks who are simply good at being empathic, in general, may not
have any issues of this kind because they are not regularly absorbing other
people’s feelings; they only understand the person’s state of mind through
their own feelings.
 
Being a true empath requires a bit more intention when it comes to
providing yourself with your own emotional support and guidance, as there
can be a lot of common ailments, issues, and sensitivities that can arise for
you if you happen to be an energetic and emotional sponge.
 
Additionally, there are some wonderful gifts that come along with this skill
—and when you are able to maintain a balance, master your emotions and
stay focused on the truth of being an empath, then you can enjoy the gifts
and monitor the sensitivities so that they don’t get out of hand.
 

Empathic Sensitivities
So, what are some of the sensitivities of being an empath? The following
list is an overview, and we will go into more detail with each topic in this
chapter:
Sensitivity to sensory experiences (ex: being easily affected by
strong odors, bright lights, loud sounds, being touched in certain
ways, aversion to certain flavors, etc.)
 
Anxiety, depression, paranoia and/or insomnia, related to
adjusting your emotions to meet other people’s feelings on a
regular basis
 
Chronic fatigue syndrome
 
Consistently emotionally unbalanced, related to absorbing
people’s energy
 
Chronic back, shoulder, neck pain, as well as issues with
consistent headaches
 
Frequent illness such as coughs, colds, allergies, etc.
 
 Emotional bingeing, such as needing to eat a lot of a certain kind
of food, or spending a lot of time avoiding life by bingeing on
entertainment
 
Difficulty being in large groups or crowds

 
How do all of these things manifest for an empath anyway? It seems like a
lot of problems for someone who has the gift of being naturally empathic,
however, if you are wired to read and absorb other people’s feelings, you
are always doing it, constantly.
 
This makes it hard for you to understand the end of their feelings and the
beginning of yours and if you are not mentally and emotionally equipped to
handle that reality, you end up carrying all of these unwanted feelings and
emotions around with you on the energetic level. This is what can lead to
such severe illness and fatigue, as well as what can make it difficult for you
to be in large groups of people, or certain sensory experiences.
 

Sensory Overload
Empaths are highly sensitive beings and, as such, will be existing in a
heightened state of awareness. All of our senses help us thrive and survive
and contribute to how we enjoy our life experiences, and how we don’t
enjoy them. You have five senses: Touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight.
All of these senses allow you to experience and understand the world
around you. If you hear an ambulance siren, you immediately do know that
you should get off to the right side of the road. When you smell the milk in
the fridge, you know that it is just off enough to pour down the drain and
not drink. When you see someone smile, you know they are happy, and you
want to smile back.
 
When we are using our senses, we are collecting data and information to
inform our choices and experiences in everyday life. If you are an empath,
you might experience your senses in a bigger way. Many empaths are
known to be particularly sensitive when it comes to certain senses. Several
have claimed that they can smell things that other people might not, like
that there is a rotting animal 2 miles away. Other times, they might get
light-headed just from riding the elevator for 10 floors up next to someone
whose perfume seems to be especially strong.
 
Empaths proclaim to be highly sensitive to loud noises and prefer to be in
situations in which they are not being overwhelmed by incredibly loud
sounds, such as a theme park, or even a concert. It can also be that empaths
are sensitive to the way that they absorb sound and that it vibrates more
heavily for them in these situations because of how many people are present
along with the strength of the noise.
 
All of the senses are impacted in everyone’s life, and even if you claim to
have a particularly strong sense of smell or ability to call out a distant
aroma, you may not be as affected by it as the empath will be. They are
affected in ways that many people are not, due to their extreme sensitivity
to sensory experiences.
 
Mental and Emotional Issues
Processing your emotions is a normal experience for most people, although
many people are not familiar with these concepts. To process your emotions
means that you are willing to identify what is causing them and resolve
yourself to heal the issue so that you can move forward. Some people do
this on a regular, daily basis, while others might reach a boiling point that
leads to a minor break down.
 
The actions behind our daily life experiences are all partially governed by
how we are feeling. If you are feeling happy, you may choose to do
something fun, enjoyable, and exotic from your normal routine. If you are
feeling sad, you might want to close all of the curtains and stay inside, no
matter how sunny it is outside.
 
After you have an experience with another person, you may have a lot of
feelings about that time with them. If it was a pleasant time, then you may
be feeling uplifted, peaceful, and fulfilled by your experience. If it was not
a pleasant time, you might be feeling awkward, confused, disturbed, and
uncomfortable. People certainly have an impact on the way we feel, and it
can be challenging not to take on other people’s “stuff” when we spend time
with them. For an empath, it can be hard to discern the difference between
your “stuff” and someone else’s.
 
The real issue is that whomever you are spending time with could be
projecting that they are fond of the time you are spending, laughing and
joking, while under the surface they are depressed, anxious and fearful
about another life matter. They may look alright on the outside, but on the
inside they are an emotional wreck, afraid of their job loss and going into
debt. Empaths can pick up that energy and take it home, not even realizing
where it is coming from and not really thinking to ask themselves why they
are all of a sudden worried and anxious and can’t stop thinking about their
financial situation.
 
This kind of “emotional collecting” is what can build up over time and lead
to a lot of mental and emotional issues for the empath. You may just be
used to having emotional mood swings, highs and lows, and not really
interpret the true source of those feelings.
 
As a result, empaths are prone to depression and anxiety, feeling what
others have going on under the surface and carrying their baggage around
as though it were your own. This is also what can lead to other issues like
low self-confidence, feeling guilt or shame for unclear reasons, or feeling
passive and disorganized about your life.
 
Not all of your feelings belong to you when you are an empath, and there
are a lot of ways to uncover this sensitivity and begin to understand it better
so that you are not an emotional sponge, taking in the whole world of
emotion around you and not living as your happiest and most balanced self
as a result.
 

Physical Problems
In addition to the mental and emotional issues that can manifest if you are
an empath, this absorption of other people’s emotional energy can actually
be stored in the physical body and manifest as illness, exhaustion and other
physical problems. Not everything you might be suffering from can be
treated by a doctor but can be treated in addition to medical and
professional advice. A Therapist might be more likely than a medical doctor
to confirm that you are an empath and are therefore more likely to feel other
people’s emotional discomfort.
 
All of that can build up over time, like with the mental and emotional
issues, and develop into chronic problems. Chronic fatigue syndrome is a
greatly misunderstood disorder and can be very hard to treat in a doctor’s
office. What might not be considered regularly by the medical community
is that this type of chronic issue may be closely linked to how you relate to
the world around you. For an empath, taking on all of the negative emotions
of others can lead to exhaustion in the physical body and leave you
bedridden and unsure of how to heal your fatigue.
 
Your body can get sore and achy from your high sensitivities, and you may
even find that you are getting colds more frequently because your body is
unable to process the emotional energy you continue to collect from the
people around you that always “gift” you with their problems.
 
Being careful and cautious with your physical health might not be as simple
as getting good exercise, a healthy diet, and regular doctor exams. If you
are an empath, you will be dealing with a lot more than that, and it may be
helpful for you to recognize when these symptoms start to show up and if
they seem always to happen when you are around the same person, or
people, or after certain events or situations.
 

Other People Problems

Another sensitivity for the empath is being in highly stimulating
environments, or being in large groups or crowds. When you are a strong
sponge for energy, activity, sensory input, and emotions, you are turning
that up a lot when you are in a situation involving a lot of people. There are
plenty of ways to allow yourself space to enjoy a crowded party or musical
concert, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming, depending on what the
situation is.
 
The groups you interact with will continually cause ripples in your own
emotional energy, and so you might find that you are a little more
discerning than others about who you are choosing to spend your time with,
or where.  You can see examples of this in nature when you are looking at a
group of animals who are challenging an opponent. Many of the animals
will gang up on one member of the pack who is acting strangely or off-
kilter and will bully them out of the group, letting them fend for themselves,
or go off and find another pack. Group mentality is a very powerful energy
and can be felt in a variety of ways. Many people don’t seem to notice these
group dynamics, but an empath can walk into a room and almost
immediately sniff it out.
 
People, in general, can be a subject of sensitivity for the empath, even in
one-on-one situations. You could be having a conversation with someone
who you just met who is interested in renting the other room in your house.
You could be enjoying the conversation, but after a while, you notice that
you are feeling especially drained and tired, after just 20 minutes of meeting
this person. You can begin to notice how loud they are talking all of the
time and how strong and intense their energy is. You may even be able to
read under the surface and be able to tell that they are not entirely honest
with you, and you are able to pick up on that.
 
When you are sitting across from someone and sharing a conversation, you
are also sharing energy. Most people don’t actually feel that energy, unless
they have trained themselves to pay attention to it, but an empath is always
receiving it and will be able to honestly sense how someone is feeling and
really notice their hidden feelings, even without clearly noticing that that is
what they are doing. Some empaths will start to feel something like
insecurity or self-doubt out of nowhere and will believe that it is their own
feeling, rather than what they perceive from another person.
 
It can be a very challenging experience to really understand who is feeling
what when you are an empath and discovering your true gifts is part of what
this book aims to teach so that you can get out of the emotional traps and
fears, and begin to live more gracefully and self-confidently with the power
of empathy.
 

The Gifts of the Empath

There are so many influential ways that you can use empathy to help you
achieve greater happiness and confidence in your own life. You can also
utilize these gifts to help others and be more available to giving people what
they want and need without taking it on as if it is your own problem.
 
When you have the mental skills and emotional mastery to support your
abilities as an empath, you can really enjoy and appreciate all of the ways
that it will be a good influence in your life and the lives of others. Here is a
list of some of the gifts of empathy:
Natural healers - empaths are often likely to choose careers that
allow them to use their gifts for the benefit of many people
 
Very creative - will find a lot of joy and pleasure in living an
artistic and creative life, even choosing it as a profession
 
Sensitive to the needs of others - can be incredibly giving and
helpful in a variety of ways, especially with friends and loved
ones, but also with strangers
 
Non-judgmental attitude, making the empath an excellent
diplomat and mediator through a variety of life experiences
 
Open-minded to all different kinds of people, cultures, attitudes,
and beliefs
 
Excellent at spending time alone- several empaths have noted
enjoying solitude while other people seem to have difficulty
being on their own
 
Talented advisors, counselors, mentors, allies, and friends
  
Gifted at spotting a lie and seeking out the truth
 
Talented at hearing the core of an issue, not just what is reported
by someone

Talented at seeing and hearing how someone else is feeling and

understanding how to handle that circumstance or emotion
 
Aptitude for more heightened awareness, sometimes even
clairvoyance or psychic abilities
 
Incredibly strong senses, allowing for a much more pleasurable
and exciting life
 
Powerful connection to the emotions and thoughts of others
which can be helpful when treated well, in romantic
partnerships, friendships, and business relationships
 
As you can see, there are a lot of wonderful ways being an empath can
represent in your life and if you are already experiencing some of these
gifts, then you will need to be able to ask yourself what matters the most to
you in your life. Would you rather be working against your gift, or helping
yourself stay balanced so that you can really explore the possibilities of
what it means to have such an exciting ability?
 
The long and short of it is that if you are studying this material, you might
already know you have empathic tendencies and are looking for ways to
cope with the reality of how it can feel if you are not in control of your
power. If you are not sure whether you are an empath or not, you can
review the list of sensitivities and gifts and decide what is resonating with
you the most.
 
If you have had an “Aha!” moment while reading this book, then you may
have uncovered the truth behind why some of your life experiences and
relationships have been so challenging. There are so many ways that our
lives can be influenced by other people, places, and circumstances, for
everyone, not just the empath; and if you are the empath, then you know
how hard it can feel when you are hyper-aware of everyone else’s
experience and not just your own.
 
The gifts of being an empath are so supportive, heartfelt, and creative, and
you can do some pretty amazing things in the world with how you align
with your abilities. If you have any ideas about how you are going to make
it work for you, then you are already off to a good start. There can be some
major obstacles and roadblocks to achieving that level of self-confidence
and overcoming any fears you may have about that process. Consider just
how valuable your skills are to the world and the people in your life.
 

Career and Profession

Bringing your gift into the work that you do can be a huge benefit to being
an empath. When you use your natural ability as a healer, mentor, advisor,
and counselor, you can really make a lot of headway in life, offering your
specialized skills to a wide range of people and situations. Many of the
professions that fall under this category can include, but are not limited to,
the following:
Doctor/ Physician
Law practice
Therapist/ Counselor
Reiki practitioner
Massage and Bodywork
Nutritionist
Veterinarian
Artist
Environmentalist
Mentor
Pastor
 
If you have an interest in doing healing work as a profession, then there are
numerous ways you can actualize that in your life. You might not consider
being a lawyer or an environmentalist a healing profession. However, the
empath is always looking for a good cause, and you may discover that some
people in these professions decided to do this work because of their
devotion to healing the earth, or to seeking justice where justice is needed,
to heal “the system.”
 
Any of these jobs and so many more not on this list can be of great benefit
to the empath, and not just to the people that they serve. If you are working
in a profession that is connected to your special gifts and skills, then you are
more likely to give yourself a greater life balance to achieve the mental
wellness, confidence, and power that you desire to do good work and enjoy
your ability.
 
You don’t have to be a doctor to be good at having empathic skills. You
could simply be a volunteer at a Women’s shelter and help people in need of
support on the weekends. You can also follow your own nose and determine
which profession suits your personality the best. All empaths are different
and so finding the right work for you that exposes your gifts to humanity,
will be a unique and exciting journey that can really open up a lot of
doorways for you and for the people in your community.
 

Personal Relationships
Our personal relationships are some of the most important parts of our lives.
When we are with others, we are connected to ourselves as much as we are
connected to someone else. Being an empath can make those connections to
an even higher and deeper level, especially now knowing how easy it is to
read another person’s emotions and, sometimes their thoughts, as well.
 
If you have ever been in a situation with a friend or a colleague in which
you end up feeling everything they were pouring their heart out to you
about, then you understand the level of how intense and deep it can truly
get. When you have mastered your emotions and have confidence with your
empathic gifts, this can be a beneficial quality to help you give people more
emotional support, without taking any of it on yourself.
 
Empaths are so sensitive to the needs of others that they can be helpful in so
many different ways, not just professionally. You can be living with your
family and have the ability to really help the dynamics stay balanced by
being ahead of the emotional game, sensing when someone is starting to
feel unhappy, or frustrated, and understanding how to help the situation
shift to a better experience, not just for the one person feeling
uncomfortable or upset, but for everyone in the household.
 
This ability isn’t restricted to just family and close relations or friends. Do
you realize how powerful it is to offer kindness to a stranger? We are all
walking around in our heads, worried about all kinds of things and
sometimes the day goes from bad to worse. Empaths can sense that feeling
from a mile away, and you may notice someone looking frazzled in the
parking lot after a hit and run and offer some assistance.
 
You may find out that the stranger you meet is in need of someone to just
honor their experience so that they don’t feel alone in the world, and with
your gifts, you are able to show that person that you are there to be a good
friend and ally, not caring if they are a stranger or not. There is an attitude
of “we are all in this together” that can really help all people feel supported,
relaxed, and like everything will be okay. This is the empathic gift.
 
Working within the realms of the personal relationships you have, you can
bring your empathic gifts to the table in so many ways. Being able to sense
and feel how someone is feeling can help you process feelings and
emotions with your partner, or friend, in ways that are healing and
beneficial to both of you. Empaths are natural diplomats and can see both
sides of any situation, offering the skills of mediation and problem-solving
in so many different ways. When you are with a person, you can really tell
when they are honest with you are not, whether that comes about in a
positive or a negative way.
 
Positively, you can sense when someone isn’t telling the whole truth about
their emotional state, or the situation they might be going through, allowing
you to be more available to draw out the core issues. A lot of times, people
are afraid to tell the whole truth because they feel shame, guilt, or doubt
about how they are experiencing something. An empath is excellent at
spotting this and can really help someone heal their issues without getting
too involved in the emotions of that person’s experience.
 
Negatively, someone might be trying to lie to you on purpose, like a car
salesman who wants to convince you that the jalopy he wants to sell you is
a great deal. When you are so good at honing on a person’s energy and
emotions and can sense that they are hiding something, you can be more
discerning in these situations and tell that car salesman to give you another
choice to look at.
 
Empaths can have trouble in their personal relationships if they have not yet
learned how to master their own emotions and feel confident in their gifts.
In general, the gifts of empathy are extra supportive of all relationships
because of how good empaths are at seeing, sensing, and understanding the
feelings of others to the great benefit of all involved.
 
Community
Branching off of the concept of empathic gifts helping personal
relationships, you can add all of that quality to the participation you will
have in your community and how your empathic gifts make that much more
possible for you to engage in supportive causes.
 
As an empath, you lack a lot of judgment and criticism. If you are judging
and criticizing anyone, it is you, and that is another part of establishing
good grounding and emotional mastery for the empath. Letting go of
judgment helps you live in a higher state of awareness. Usually, if you are
judging yourself harshly, then you are judging others in the same way.
 
Empaths work to support and heal and want to help as much as they can.
Naturally diplomatic and non-judgmental of all people, cultures, and
beliefs, an empath can be very supportive to a larger community and a
broader spectrum of reality. Community efforts are made by all kinds of
people in our world, and it isn’t just something that an empath is good at
doing. It is a hallmark of being an empath that you are drawn to offering aid
and assistance to a bigger cause, electing to sacrifice your time, energy, and
sometimes money, to helping something that matters to you.
 
Finding your cause is specific to the sort of person you are and will be an
ideal way for you to gain more confidence in your gift. If you are an empath
and you are not involved in a supportive community, you may find it
incredibly helpful to your overall energy and happiness to get involved in
something special to you.
 
There are a lot of ways that you can be supportive, too, and you don’t have
to turn your whole life upside down in order to make a difference (another
hallmark of an empath). You can simply offer some of your empathic nature
and supportive abilities once or twice a month and give back to an even
bigger cause, not just the people closest to you in your life.
 

Self-Awareness
There are a lot of great ways that empathy can lead you closer to awareness
with yourself, offering you the chance to really identify your own
experiences and emotions. When you are asking yourself to be a better
support to your own needs, as much as to others, then you are forced to ask
yourself how you feel, what you want, and how you can make a difference
in your own happiness and life experiences.
 
Empaths are notorious for wanting alone time. You could likely guess the
reason for this, but I will spell it out for you: empaths need time to recharge
after absorbing other people’s emotions regularly. There is a great need to
enjoy peacefulness and self-reflection after a lot of exhausting social
experiences that can leave you feeling more of what other people have
going on and less of your own personal life.
 
Not all empaths are introverted, but most need solitude to get back to their
oneness. This allows for a stronger capacity to reflect on the self and all of
the ways you are experiencing your true nature, habits, feelings, fears,
devotions, etc. Self-awareness seems like something we are all in touch
with, but many people struggle to act on this activity alone. Self-awareness
can be learned through our relationships with others; however, you need
quality time alone with yourself, in order to truly understand your personal
power.
 
The concept of empathy is not limited to this process, and just because you
are an empath doesn’t mean you are self-aware, but it can help you get to
that level of personal truth.
 
Empaths are also very sensitive to the senses, as you read in the last section,
which can open up the experience of self-awareness, even more leading to a
more vibrant and sensual lifestyle. Taking pleasure in aromatherapies,
different flavors, and other exciting sensory experiences can enhance the
personal growth of any person, and especially empaths.
 
It can be a real struggle to develop your empath skills while giving yourself
the freedom to be your own person. Part of the reason empaths have so
much difficulty is that they are always mostly aware of everyone else but
themselves because of the nature of their gifts. This is why when you are
living in balance with your skills—you can develop a greater sense of self-
awareness without taking on the emotional debt of other people in your life.
 
All of these gifts are possible when you learn to take control of your power
and are able to explore the possibilities from a centered and grounded
perspective. Learning how to master your emotions and overcome your
fears brings you closer to allowing for your empathic qualities to enhance
your life, rather than cause issues and problems.
 
When you are connected to other people, you will gain a better
understanding of just how often you are gaining other people’s energies and
emotions. Now that you are better informed about the empath and what that
can look like, you can begin to do some fieldwork and determine how your
abilities are manifesting in your own life and experiences with others.
 
In the next chapter, we will go over more of the reality of what it feels like
for you to be an empath around people who are not. Some of the most
common problems and empath has come from the interpersonal
relationships that go on every day, including some of the more toxic
connections that an empath can find themselves in with certain types of
people who are naturally and instinctually drawn to the empath.
 Chapter 4: Empaths and Other People
 
 
 
People are everywhere. We are all in this life together, and so many of us
thrive on connection and community. It is of great importance that we are
able to share our stories, our thoughts and feelings, our work, and all of our
life concerns and joys with others. We are always in need of some kind of
human support—and even if we are more inclined toward solitude, we still
need people in order to feel connected to ourselves in a healthy and happy
way.
 
As you have already seen, empathy is a strong and powerful gift that can be
used for wonderful things. Even if you are not a “true empath” by nature,
and you are just an empathic person who is good at listening to other
people’s wants and needs, there is so much to be said for the impact of
giving empathy to others in our lives. Our personal relationships thrive
when we are able to understand the feelings of another, and in all honesty,
this ability helps us to understand ourselves better.
 
We relate so much to one another, especially when we are going through
especially difficult, or especially successful moments. It can be very eye-
opening and awakening to listen to someone talk about their divorce and
child custody battle, as an empathic friend and ally, and also know how
lucky you are to have your family close to you. When you hear someone
complain about how hard it is to get ahead at work, you can feel their pain
by remembering your own pain and struggle to climb the office ladder and
get to the post you are in today.
 
Our worlds collide and help each other out when we can show empathy in
the face of any life situation, good or bad, and for the empath it is an even
greater gift when you can sense and feel these things viscerally, to help aid
and support people in their time of need.
 
You have also learned how important it is for you to shield yourself from
being overly absorbent of other people’s feelings and emotions. As you
become more aware of your gifts or identify where the problematic people
or situations might be in your life, you will quickly learn how it is not going
to be sustainable for you to keep taking on other people’s energy while you
try to live your life in wholeness and happiness.
 
Fighting against “energy collecting” isn’t always easy, especially when you
don’t even realize you’re doing it. When we are empathic, our purpose is to
offer support and a good, listening ear. When you are an empath, you can
get physically, mentally and emotionally bound to the person talking and
carry that sense, emotion, and feeling coming from them, everywhere you
go for the rest of the day.
 
Being open to our friends, family, and neighbors is so valuable and
important, but what if the person in front of you is toxic to your energy and
environment? What if they have the power to hold you inside and keep you
around with their feelings? What if they are an expert at manipulation,
making it almost impossible for you to recognize that they are harming you
on an emotional, mental, and energetic level? How can you even tell when
this is happening to you?
 
This chapter is all about the empath and other people. When you are
engaged with your gifts, and you understand them well, you won’t have to
worry as much about who you are working with, or talking to. You will
have a much better mastery of your own emotions and a lot more
confidence to handle any situation with any person.
 
If you don’t have any of these issues in your life, in which you feel
completely absorbed by someone, or overwhelmed by their energy, then
you might not be a true empath, and may just be very gifted at having
empathy for people in general. If you are a true empath, then you will likely
understand people who are problematic for you to be around because of
how they emotionally and energetically impact you on all levels.
 
There are a couple of types of people that can be particularly toxic to the
empath, and the next subchapters will go into greater detail about each one
and why they are so drawn to the empath.
 

Energy Vampires
When you hear or read the word vampire, what comes to mind? My guess
would be a tall, thin, pale, otherworldly, blood-sucking immortal who only
comes out at night to behave in sinister ways and lure helpless humans into
their lairs to drain them of their life essence. You wouldn’t be wrong, and
this mythical creature aptly describes what an energetic vampire feels like
to an empath.
 
Rather than draining you of your blood with their fangs, energy vampires
drain you of your energy with their need to talk about their emotions,
problems, dramas, issues, and ideas to an exasperating degree.
 
That said, when you are close friends with a person, and you know them
well, you understand that sometimes, our people just need a good pal to
listen to and get things off the chest. Talking at length is not a problem
when you are aware of that reality. An energy vampire is always in need of
a listening ear and doesn’t usually acknowledge the need for someone else
to share their feelings.
 
Not surprisingly, empaths are very attractive to the energy vampire. Finally
—someone who will listen to anything they say whenever they need it!
Empaths are not always very good at pulling away when someone has
something important or emotional to talk about. It’s almost like being
magnetically drawn to someone and not being able to detach when you
want because they will hold you there, as you continue to affirm and nod at
what they are expressing.
You might have guessed already the energy vampire wants to hold the
empath close because they have to speak their mind all of the time, no
matter who it is to. You could be the person at the grocery checkout or the
maintenance man, but because you are more naturally capable of being
supportive and good at listening, you are always the better choice for the
energy vampire.
 
What you don’t realize as the empath is that you are always taking on all of
their feelings for them, almost as if you are sucking that energy in a vacuum
cleaner. They may feel fantastic afterward, but you are holding onto all of
their baggage and junk they didn’t want to carry around anymore. What
works best in these situations is to hold your ground and even interrupt that
person if they won’t let you get a word in edgewise. In order to maintain
confidence and emotional mastery around this kind of person, you have to
be as willing to support yourself as you are to support another person.
 
When you are with someone who tends to be an energy vampire, are you
able to notice that they are taking your energy away from you and giving
you theirs in return? Do you experience a feeling of exhaustion afterward
and wonder why you are so tired? Here are some of the common examples
of what goes on in the relationship between an empath and an energy
vampire:
You are never offered an opportunity to share what is going on in
your own life, nor are you asked personal questions about how
you are and what is going with you.
 
You get the sensation of feeling drained almost immediately after
the conversation starts.
 
You feel ashamed for trying to interject your own, personal point
of view or experience, even if it relates to the way they are
 talking about their life because they are resistant and reactionary
when you interrupt or offer possible solutions to their problems.
 
They always have a serious life drama unfolding that they have
to talk about.
 
Everyone is always against them, and if you offer them advice
on ways to counteract their drama, then you are obviously
against them, too.
 
There are moments when you feel anxiety, or like the onset of a
panic attack, because of how much of their energy you have
absorbed.
 
They never really see you and consider anything about you or
how you might be feeling.
 
They are not likely to talk about anything other than themselves
or their drama.
 
They can often tend to have low self-esteem or lack of self-worth
that you are always trying to help them feel differently about.
 
They repeat the same patterns over and over again and don’t try
to change their circumstances.
 
You often find yourself dealing with their problems, over the
phone or in person, at inopportune times, like right before bed,
 while you are at work, or in the middle of your own personal
crisis.

They only want you to listen and never really want your opinion,
even if some friendly advice would be helpful.

 
This can be a very challenging dynamic, especially if this person is a close
relative or friend. A work colleague only comes through during the day and
can sometimes be easily avoided, but when you are dealing with someone
in your personal life, these challenges can be highly toxic to you, your own
self-esteem and self-confidence and your ability to have more power in
these situations. Until you learn how to develop your skills, master your
emotions, and overcome the fear of causing them any pain by standing up
for yourself, you could be the victim of an energy vampire draining you of
your life force and emotional energy.
 

Narcissists and the Like

People often confuse narcissism with a healthy ego. There is a big
difference. If you have a healthy ego, then you are able to understand your
position in your personal and professional life, without judging anyone
else’s choices. Basically, a person who has self-confidence, self-esteem, and
an ability to act with empathy has a healthy ego.
 
A narcissist is someone who is ego-driven, but actually has no empathy at
all; not really even a drop of it. This is considered a personality disorder in
the psychiatrist’s desk reference, and it is a spectrum disorder that has
varying degrees of intensity. To the narcissist, there is, of course, nothing
wrong with their attitude, behavior, or actions—there never was, and there
never will be. If you happen to know a narcissist, you may already be
familiar with the following narcissistic tendencies:
Self-importance, hubris, inflated ego
 
Always in need of admiration and adoration from someone
 
Sense of entitlement without doing anything to warrant it
 
Overemphasis on abilities and talents
 
Magical thinking, fantasies, creating illusions about their life
 
Attitude of superiority
 
Excluding others that they feel to be inferior to them
 
Monopolizing and taking over a conversation or experience
 
Expecting favors to be done for them
 
Taking advantage of people, especially those closest to them
 
Cannot recognize or understand the needs of others
 
Angry, or reactionary, if they don’t get their way
 
Will intentionally hurt people to feel better about themselves
  
Incapable of empathy
 
 
A narcissist is a complex person, and there are entire library sections of
books devoted to understanding the psychology behind this disorder. There
are many people in the world today who is a narcissist, and it is not
something that can easily be treated without professional therapy.
 
That said, the narcissist is especially hungry for a relationship with
someone who will feed into all of their need for attention and whimsical
thinking about how special they are and how amazing their relationship to
you is. Unfortunately for the empath, they are apt to fall into partnerships
with narcissists very easily and here is why: narcissists are masters at
playing a part, and an empath wants to heal and help.
 
In the beginning stages of a relationship, they are incredibly charming and
will sweep you off your feet. In the psychological community, they call this
“love bombing.” The narcissist gives the impression that they are full of
love and admiration for you, when really what they are covertly and often
unconsciously doing, is convincing you that they are a good match for you
and that you are in a great partnership with them.
 
Not long after the “love-bomb” phase, true colors begin to show and when
the haze of the dreamy love story wears off, you may begin to notice that
your narcissistic partner is not as open, available, or interested in anything
about you or your life, and they will make you feel guilty and ashamed for
bothering them about it.
 
If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may already be familiar with
the patterns, but for those unaware of what it looks like, it basically boils
down to the following scenario: idealize, devalue, discard. A narcissist may
look like a perfect catch in the beginning, but as you get closer and more
informed, you realize how much baggage they have and if you begin to
question their actions, attitudes or behaviors, you are in for a great
devaluing of your personality, likability and inherent qualities as a person.
Remember that checklist above?
 
Narcissists will convince you that you are not as good at life as they are and
they are so good at convincing people, you may actually start to believe
them. If you cannot live up to their expectations of being a perfect partner
(idealizing), or show them that they are the perfect partner to you, then you
will inevitably be discarded. The goal for the narcissist is never to be
discarded and to be the only one allowed to do the discarding, in which case
they will keep you around, causing you to feel like there is always a chance
that you will get back to those early days of love haze.
 
They will do this by offering you subtle rewards from time to time, like
letting you pick out the movie you will watch after dinner, or give you a
really hot night in the sack, but ultimately, they are pinning you to your role
in the partnership of being their emotional caregiver.
 
Narcissists utilize a lot of manipulative tools, such as gaslighting, shaming,
and making you feel crazy for thinking that they are out of line. Over time,
you end up believing them because they are so skilled at this powerful act
and because you love them and want it to work out. Oftentimes, the
narcissist doesn’t even realize that they are doing these things.
 
For an empath, the trouble is seeing it as a healthy relationship because you
are so supportive and capable of giving them what they need, being a
natural healer who tends to be patient with everyone’s emotions. Under the
surface, they are working hard to keep you in that role, so that they don’t
have to worry about finding someone else to fluff their feathers and sustain
their egomaniacal and hubristic view of themselves.
 
Empaths will not see the issues with the narcissist and honor their feelings
as if they were their own, heeding to their every need, and offering every
opportunity to support the relationship. Each of us has a part to play in these
dynamics, and if you are not being honest with yourself about who you are
dealing with in your relationships, you are likely to end up in
codependency, which is not a healthy dynamic, long-term, for any person.
 
You don’t have to be an empath in a romantic relationship with a narcissist
to understand these dynamics. You might have a narcissistic boss with these
characteristics, who is always treating you a certain way because you are
always so devoted to being agreeable, helpful and empathic in all situations,
to the point that you don’t realize you are being taken advantage of in the
workplace.
 
One of your best friends could be a narcissist, and you have always shared
this quality of dynamic, so you may not have understood that there is a
quality of friendship that doesn’t involve you always having to smooth
things over to make someone feel better. You can have supportive
relationships without having to cater to the emotions of the other party, all
of the time.
 
Empaths are easy targets for narcissists, sociopaths and the like, because of
how generally giving, good at listening, and eager to be of service they are.
They are not idiots, and it is easy for any person, empath or not, to fall for
the charm and wit of the narcissistic personality type. The point is that you
understand the differences between balanced individuals who are capable of
healthy relationships patterns and dynamics, and those that keep you stuck
in unhealthy and codependent patterns for long periods of time, for their
own personal benefit.
 
If you are an empath or are gifted at empathy, you may need to do more
research on the relationships between narcissists and empaths. There are
entire books just on this subject that can help you identify how to survive
those realities. The best advice from this book about surviving as an empath
will be to master your emotions and build your self-confidence to handle
these kinds of relationships and people.
 
If you want to have a healthy relationship and enjoy your gifts of empathy,
you have to practice honesty with what your gifts are, how these things can
manifest for you in your relationships, and when to say no to something, or
someone because you know it is toxic for you.
 
Sometimes, contrast is the best way to improve your understanding of your
abilities and show you more of what you want in your life. The next section
talks about how valuable it can be for the empath to choose to be around
people who are more like-minded and capable of empathy in their lives.
 

Surrounding Yourself with Likeminded People

We don’t have to be in partnerships or relationships with people who make
us feel drained or bad about ourselves. One of the greatest things you can
do for yourself as a person is to choose the people with whom you wish to
spend your time. Life is short, and you don’t have to spend time with toxic
people. Improving your confidence in these matters is part of what this
book teaches.
 
Of course, it would be great to be everyone’s friend and shoulder to cry on,
but at what cost? For an empath, it will cause more harm than good for you
to take on that role unless you train yourself to be more grounded, self-
supported, and emotionally stable. You can be around all people and have
conversations with anyone, as you choose, but you can also make decisions
to avoid certain types of people and create clear boundaries with those in
your life that cost you a lot of personal energy.
 
The best way to know the difference is to find “your people.” If you are an
empath, or empathic in general, you will feel the most comfortable,
confident, and at ease with people who share these gifts and qualities. Not
all of your friends have to be true empaths, but at the very least, empathic
towards others in all walks of life.
 
You can identify these people easily by the way they make you feel when
you are around them. You can sense on a deep level when someone is
making you feel uncomfortable, off, or unhappy in life. Just as easily, you
can sense when a person leaves you feeling refreshed, calm, and at peace
with your own energy.
 
If you are not used to this type of friendship or relationship, now might be a
good time to start talking about your gift with others and see if you can find
some new empathic comrades to share your experiences with. You don’t
even have to talk about being an empath and can simply explain that you
are looking for friendships that are balanced and equal, in which both
people feel safe and accepted, and allowed to talk freely and openly about
their lives without fear or judgment.
 
The kind of people you choose to spend time with matters, and if there are
those in your life who are always leaving you feeling drained, exhausted,
uncomfortable, or like you have done something wrong, then it might be
time to cut some cords and find friends with some of the following attitudes
and qualities:
Receptive and good at asking you questions about your life
Available to talk about things deeply without taking over the
conversation every time
 
 Genuine concern for you and your happiness
 
Grounded and calm in their own energy, even when they are
experiencing a life drama
 
Happy to listen to you talk at length, knowing you will offer
space to do the same for them
 
Diplomatic, open-minded and generally supportive
 
Curious about emotional growth and personal progress
 
Playful engaging in your company

 
There are tons of other good qualities to look out for in a compatible
friendship or relationship with someone when you are a highly empathic
person. Generally, we want to be with people who share the same attitudes
that we do and feel open to embracing the concept of heartfelt connection.
Not everyone cares about doing that with their friends and social circles,
and it is up to you to find the right balance for yourself as an empath.
 
Moving forward, as you gain more trust and understanding with what it
means to be an empath, you can now prepare to develop your skills and
advance your abilities so that you can live a more carefree, happy, and
confident life. Understanding your own emotions is a valuable place to
start, and the next two chapters are going to give you all of the tools and
techniques that you need to develop these skills and master your emotions.
Chapter 5: Developing Your Empath Skills
 

 
When you are an empath, all you want to do is heal and help—it is in your
very nature to do so. This can always work well when you are good at
taking care of yourself and your own emotions and energy. However, if you
struggle to take care of these matters on a personal level, you will always be
working against yourself to help and assist other people’s needs. There are
so many ways that empathy and being an empath can be beneficial to you,
as you read in previous chapters, and all you have to do to take advantage
of these benefits is to look at ways to develop and hone these skills.
 
In your personal attitude towards anyone you are talking to, it is key to
remember that whatever comes up, or whatever you might be feeling, is
someone else’s emotion and that you are receiving that input. The important
thing is not to receive it and make it your own. You can practice healthy
empath skills without taking on the actual pain or problems of another
person, and give yourself a chance to become more grounded, clear and
capable of resisting energy and feelings that don’t belong to you.
 
When you are an empath or a very empathic person, you can really see,
hear, feel, and understand the emotions and experience of another, and a
true empath will feel it so deeply it will occur for a long period of time,
even after the experience, to the point of not knowing what feelings are
really yours and someone else’s. This is why it has to happen for you to
become better skilled at handling this gift. You simply cannot live your
whole life feeling everyone else’s feelings AND your own!
 
What you gain from developing these skills is huge, and it really can help
you relieve any tension, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, and confusion
about yourself and your experiences. You can eliminate the cause of so
much of your insecurity and emotional distortion when you properly
develop your ability to be an empath.
 
Finding what you need is the first step to packing up your toolbox, and in
this chapter, you will gain a bigger, broader understanding of the basic
concepts that help empathy and being an empath work, not only for the
people in your life but for you as well. There are four main key points to
consider to develop your ability to connect with other people. Anything you
read in this chapter will be designed to help you understand the best ways to
develop your empathic skills, and you will only need your willingness to try
to put these skills into practice on an everyday basis. Let’s get started!
Good Listening and Boundaries
You may already feel that you are an excellent listener and very good at
staying in a calm and healthy position to receive anything someone has to
say. You may be right, and it will be important to understand and learn the
difference between Good Listening and Boundaries, and Poor Listening and
Lack of Boundaries. Let’s begin with the latter:
 

Poor Listening and Lack of Boundaries

Poor listening could be construed a couple of different ways. You might see
that and think that it means not listening or hearing your own thoughts
more. That is a possibility and certainly would be considered poor listening,
however, when learning about the empath and how to develop better skills,
poor listening refers to listening to someone talk in a way in which you
begin to personalize everything that they are saying. You might not even
realize that you are doing it, but instead of just hearing the other person’s
experience, you are listening and filtering the information through your own
emotional field, giving life to it inside of you.
 
You might also think to yourself, “isn’t that what empathy is? Listening to
someone else’s emotions and understanding them with your feelings?” In a
way, yes, but you can also take it too far if you are not careful and if you are
a true empath, you will be listening to someone as though there is no filter
and they are just beaming emotional energy into your being like rays of
electrical input.
 
Poor listening is not difficult to get away from, and you can learn how to
make it clear that you are only listening and not fully embracing the whole
energy of what someone is talking about. You can feel empathy without
taking their feelings home with you. Hence, when you are listening, if you
can’t shake that emotional sensation you are receiving afterward, or you
have a physiological response—meaning, you can feel it on the physical
body in the form of increased heart rate, muscular tension, and the like—
then you are listening poorly.
 
This segues into a lack of boundaries, which is a huge factor in the reality
of being an empath. Many people who are empaths and who are unused to
having any boundaries may feel like it is totally normal to have a sit down
with an old friend or colleague and just let them go on and on until they
literally cannot talk anymore. You spend all of your time and energy
receiving their information and emotional state and then exist in that bubble
of their reality afterward, while they might go home feeling relieved and
refreshed from the chance to express every detail to a good listener and
shoulder to cry on.
 
What is a boundary anyway? Let’s take a look at the following examples of
healthy boundaries so that you can get an idea of what that can look like in
certain scenarios:
Stating ahead of time that you only have until X-o’clock to talk
before you need to be at the next thing
 
Stating that you are only able to talk on the phone and are unable
to meet in person, knowing that you can have more control over
 when the conversation ends in this way
 
Asking the person whom you are talking to if they have
anywhere they need to be and if they say no, responding with the
fact that you do have to be going soon
 
Organizing a specific time and date to meet up and chat, or offer
your listening ears so that it feels right for you and your schedule
 
Saying no, even if the person seems to be uncomfortable with
your response, knowing you usually always say yes
 
Being direct and clear from the beginning about what your limits
are with time
 
Giving the person plenty of time to talk and then giving yourself
plenty of space between that conversation and the next
 
Only offering what you can physically and emotionally give and
nothing more
 
 
These are just some of the ways that healthy boundaries can exist in your
daily reality, and if you are not practiced with this kind of experience, now
is the time to develop these skills, for your own sake, and also for the
benefit of the other person. How will it benefit the other person for you to
have healthy boundaries? They will have an opportunity to be more
empathic toward your needs and will understand that there are limits to
what anyone can offer. It can also help the individual, or group, recognize
that they also have to work through their experiences on their own as much
as with others.
 
Let’s examine some of the ways unhealthy boundaries can show up in your
life:
Sitting with someone late into the night even when you are tired
and have to wake up early for work, especially when it happens
regularly
 
Always making yourself available to someone else’s needs,
especially at the expense of your own
 
Spending all of your free time worrying about someone else’s
drama
 
Getting caught up in realities that are not your own
 
Digging more deeply into the feelings of others instead of your
own
 
Always taking care of other people and falling ill regularly
because of self-neglect
 
Offering a lot of your free time to help one, or several people in
your life
 
 Always saying yes to everyone and everything they need,
without considering your own schedule and needs effectively
 
Maintaining and managing other people’s welfare who are not a
part of your family
 
Expecting others to reach out constantly and letting yourself be
available for any situation that happens to come involving giving
aid

 
Unhealthy boundaries can come up in a lot of different ways, and this is a
general list of some typical scenarios. You can really get used to being in
this state of existence. When you are used to something, you might notice
that there would be anything wrong with it, however, if you are feeling
strained, stressed, exhausted and like there is never anytime for you, then
you are not practicing healthy boundaries with the people or experiences in
your life.
 

Good Listening and Boundaries

So then, what exactly do Good Listening and Boundaries look like? Here is
an example scenario of how that can play out:
 
Your friend, Becky, is always asking for your sage wisdom and helpful
advice and you know that the next time she comes over, she is going to
need a lot of time to talk about her current love drama. She wants to come
over right away, and you explain that you are not actually available right
this minute and that you will be free tomorrow evening. You can hear her
disappointment in her tone, so you offer her some comfort, explaining that
you just aren’t available at the last minute and will be very happy to have
her come over to your house tomorrow.
 
When Becky arrives, she has a bottle of red wine and some chocolate, and
you know this means she needs to get comfortable and make a night of it.
You thank her for bringing treats and let her know that you can only hang
out for a couple of hours, explaining that you have an early morning and
will need a good night’s rest. Becky acknowledges this as she uncorks the
wine, offering you a glass. You let her know you can only have one glass
because you are trying to limit your alcohol intake when it isn’t the
weekend, knowing that Becky will use wine to grease the wheels to keep
the conversation going longer than you explained you could.
 
You catch up for a few minutes before she digs into her latest boyfriend
problems. You practice good listening by focusing on her words and
explanations, showing her that you care and waiting for her to get to a
stopping point to sip wine. You know the best places to get a word of advice
in will be when she pauses to have some chocolate and a sip. In these
moments, as a good listener, you repeat back to her what you heard her tell
you, using declarative statements: “so what you are saying is that he refuses
to text you back and won’t give you more time and energy in your
relationship. You are saying that he isn’t as involved as you are in it.”
 
Becky will want you to confirm that he is a jerk and that she is right to be
so angry and upset, but rather than absorb her feelings, you practice
empathy by saying something like, “I am so sorry to hear that he isn’t
giving you what you want from this relationship. I know how hard that can
be and that it doesn’t feel good.”
 
When you respond in this way, you are not only showing Becky that you
care about her feelings, but you are also creating a boundary by not
absorbing her point of view or feelings about the situation. This is a very
grounded stance to take and can keep you in a position of being a great
friend and a good listener without adopting the feelings that Becky has
about her boyfriend. She may be hoping that you will call him out as being
a real jerk, but that would be what Becky feels and not you. You barely
know the guy and only have Becky’s perspective in the matter.
 
You notice that it has been close to two hours since you started chatting and
Becky is still pouring wine and her heart out to you, and you are starting to
recognize your limits with time and energy. She has a lot more to tell you,
and you know you need to honor the boundary you created for yourself
when she first stepped inside the house.
 
You stand up and begin to clear your dishes away from the coffee table,
signaling to Becky that you need to be wrapping up. You ask her to follow
you into the kitchen where you give her a few minutes to wrap up her need
to talk about it all. You offer her a hug and let her know as you are hugging
that you want to hear more about it another time and that you’d like to hear
how things go. You can see Becky still wants to talk and so you tell her that
you can get in touch again next week to meet up and keep talking about it.
It might not be what Becky wants to hear, but you have accepted your own
needs first, while still giving her the attitude of empathy and wanting her to
feel supported and understood.
 
You offer to give her a call in a couple of days to see how things are going
and to set up another time to hang out. Becky leaves, and you are able to get
the rest you need for your early day tomorrow.
 
This example shows how valuable your energy is to another person and
how important it is to be clear with the people in your life what you need,
while you offer them love, support, and empathy. Being a good listener can
come with practice and time, and when you include healthy boundaries into
the mix, you can really support others and develop your empath skills
without sacrificing your own emotions and energy.
 

Empowering a Person While Empowering

Yourself
You have all of the gifts you need right inside of you to become the master
of yourself and your emotions. Giving yourself confidence is a learned skill
for many people, and it can be a great gift to others when you support their
need for empowerment as well. In the reality of being an empath, it is so
easy to give all of the energy of empowerment to another without leaving
much for yourself.
 
That being said, the act of helping someone else feel confident can be very
empowering to the empath, and it can be a great way for you to develop
your skills. You may not realize it yet, but the very act of empathy creates
confidence in others. Knowing that there is another person in the world who
can offer us kindness and solace in a time of need can help us overcome our
deepest fears and anxieties. Of course, it is always a little bit more
complicated than talking to a friend and all your problems being solved, and
yet every act of empathy goes a long way in the human growth and
empowerment experience.
 
Your ability to give conscious connection to another person goes beyond a
simple act of empathy when you are a true empath. You might be able to
notice right away when you are talking to a person, and their self-esteem is
low, or they feel concerned about being approved of or liked. You can sense
it like you are smelling something in the air, or getting a “feeling” that it is
about to rain.
 
Empaths are extra sensitive and have an uncanny ability to determine what
someone wants and needs and how to offer that to them at the moment. So
many people are looking for validation, approval, and a feeling like they are
seen and valued. We are all in need of that kind of empowerment, and
ideally, we practice looking for ways to give it to ourselves. Every so often,
it is very impactful to receive that boost of confidence from an outside
source. It is a reassuring thing to know how someone else sees and hears
your story.
 
Empaths are great at giving that sense of empowerment and reassurance
that you have nothing to doubt. It is a special skill to be able to hear or feel
what someone else needs and to be able to give it to them. You can do this
when you are practicing Good Listening and Boundaries to help support
someone’s feelings about a situation.
 
Let’s take the example of your friend Becky from the last section. Becky is
feeling “off” about her boyfriend and the way that he responds, or doesn’t
respond at all to her. You sense that she needs some confidence about her
worth and that she doesn’t have to bother with these dramas if she
recognizes how wonderful she is and how there are other ways to get
involved with people in the way she wants.
 
Empowering your friend means taking your good listening skills and really
hearing what it is that Becky needs from a friend. She wants to feel like she
is worthy of love and attention. As her friend and the strongly empathic,
good listener, you give her what she wants through your ability to empower
her. This resembles giving her the confidence to let go of her expectations
of this person and embrace herself more, while you empower her to look at
what she wants, without trying to make someone else feel the same way
that she does.
 
Becky wants her boyfriend to change and be more of what she wants—but
rather than give her advice about how to handle her boyfriend, you offer her
the words of empowerment she needs to feel strong in herself. It isn’t about
the other person she is talking about; it is about her and her needs. When
you are practicing good listening skills, you can hear all of this when you
“listen between the lines.”
 
Where, in all of this, are you being empowered? Part of your ability as an
empath is to help other people. It is what makes you feel secure in who you
are and how you relate to the world around you. This in itself is
empowering for you. The best way for you to feel empowered is to practice
healthy boundaries and good listening skills, adhering to your time needs
and not absorbing Becky’s hurt feelings and anger.
 

Steps to Empowering Someone

1. Be present and available with good listening skills.
 
2. Pay attention to their cues and offer them what they are asking
for with their body language and with the emotions you are
picking up on.
 
3. Practice sincerity when you offer them validation.
 
4. Reflect back to them what you know about them, highlighting
their qualities and power as a person.
 
5. Greet the conversation with interest in who they are and what
they want to share.
 
6. Gladly acknowledge the importance of their words and
confidence in you.
 
7. Cheer them up with your energy of calm, peace, and joy to be
around them.
  
8. Rather than “prop them up” with a list of compliments, offer
compliments at the moment as the conversation progresses.
 
9. Ask them questions about their interests and desires.
 
10. Focus on learning about them and what they are in need of.
 
 

Steps to Empowering Yourself

1. Give yourself plenty of time and space to honor your own needs.
 
2. Show yourself the value of your own experience with
affirmation and self-empathy.
 
3. Create healthy boundaries to help you stay grounded in your
own power.
 
4. Acknowledge your success in your own life on a regular basis.
 
5. Do practice gratitude for your abilities, sense of self, growth, and
progress.
 
6. Accept your flaws and mistakes with love and acceptance.
 
7. Challenge yourself to expand and grow more with every day.
 
 8. Help others feel confident and empowered with your warmth and
affection.
 
9. Offer yourself what you need, rather than seeking it from outside
of yourself.
 
10. Take time for no one but you and give yourself what you really
want and need.

 
All of these steps combined will help you establish your own sense of self-
empowerment while you offer it to another through your empathic abilities.
In reality, when you follow the steps of Self-empowerment, you are making
it that much more possible for you to be good at empowering another
person. The rule of thumb is to give to yourself what you give to another.
You can be a much better Empath when you are self-empowered and know
how valuable it is to give that to another.
 
Empowering yourself also includes becoming a better listener with healthy
boundaries and so building upon each sub-chapter, you will begin to see
that your toolbox is filling up with all of the skills that you need to practice
in order to develop your empathic abilities.
 

Grounding, Clearing, and Realizing

With all of the experiences that you have in your life, you are always
working on finding balance within the day-to-day. Balance can be hard to
come by if you are not accustomed to creating it yourself, and there are all
kinds of things that are out of our control. What will you do when things are
getting out of hand, uncomfortable or totally unbalanced? How can you tell
when something is out of whack so that you can identify how to shift the
energy or the situation? Where do you look for signs that you are not where
you need to be emotionally, mentally, and energetically?
 
All of these things are issues for anyone, and you don’t have to be an
empath to look for realities that can have more balance. Learning how to
develop these skills as an empath is part of what will help you stay open
and able to offer your gifts and to be empowered so that you can maintain a
good footing for yourself out in the world.
 
The basics of balance are the following:
 
1. Realize - ask yourself when you are starting to feel off (what it is
that shifted your energy or your feelings). It could have been a
simple interaction with the cashier at the grocery store, or it
could be weeks of dealing with a challenging work project.
Knowing what is causing the imbalance will help you know how
to clear it from your energy.
 
2. Clearing - when you are stuck in a rut or feeling a particular
emotion for an extended period of time, you have first to realize
what it is in the first place, and then release it, clearing it from
your system and your life moments. At times, it is important to
feel your feelings; however, if they are not yours, to begin with,
and they were collected from your coworker or close friend, then
 you have to make sure that you are clearing those feelings to
form your energy.
 
3. Grounding - stability in yourself is how you stay focused,
empowered, and a master of your emotions and your life
experience. People refer to this as grounding because it brings
you back into yourself, down to earth and in a place of security
that can be felt. There are a variety of ways that people will
ground themselves. Grounding will help you to achieve stability
with your own feelings so that you can maintain a healthy
balance around others.

 
Now that you have the basics, let’s take a scenario and follow a step-by-step
approach to realizing, clearing, and grounding so that you can see what to
do to prepare your strong sensitivities for any situation.
 
Scenario: You are at a restaurant with a group of friends catching up at
Sunday brunch. You are the only Empath at the table, and you are close to
the two other people you are eating with. They are bickering and arguing.
You know they are joking with each other, but there are a lot of unprofessed
and unheard emotions coming from both of them that you can sense, raising
your defenses against their energy and causing you to feel edgy.
 
You are opposed to interrupting their banter until you realize that you are
starting to get so agitated you feel like heading to the restroom to clear the
energy for yourself. You don’t want to hurt their feelings by letting them
know that they are disturbing the morning pleasantness and the brunch
experience.
 
Hence, how does this situation begin? For starters, let’s say that you did
some grounding before you arrived at the diner, knowing that this particular
group dynamic can become a little argumentative. Here are some of the
ways people will ground when they want to maintain balance from within:
Short, 5-minute meditation or affirmation to help you feel secure
with yourself.
 
Taking long, deep, slow breaths
 
Putting your bare feet on the ground
 
Doing some kind of a stretch or exercise moves to help you
connect to your body
 
Listening to soothing music
 
Taking a hot shower
 
Sitting in the sun with your eyes closed for several minutes
 
 
These are just a few examples, and there are so many more to consider and
check out, based on your preferences and personality.
 
So, let’s say you did some grounding before you arrived at the diner by
sitting on your patio with your shoes off, soaking in some sun and listening
to some soothing music in your headphones to help you feel balanced and
ready for anything.
 
You feel great when you get to the diner, but both of your friends are not
grounded and are already bickering when you arrive. So much for a calm
breakfast. As you get settled in, you begin to feel uneasy. You practice
realizing where the uneasiness is coming from by paying attention to your
internal thoughts and feelings. You quickly identify that you were hoping to
have a calm breakfast with your friends and realized that they are in the
middle of an extended argument about something they always disagree
about.
 
1)     Realizing the cause of your uneasiness is the first step.

Next, you have identified why you are uncomfortable, and you try to make
the most of the situation by being empathic and listening to both of your
friend’s points of view. You acknowledge both of them and what they have
to say, by practicing good listening and boundaries, as well as diplomatic
empowerment. They want you to choose a side which causes you more
uneasiness. So now, you are uncomfortable with their argument and also
that they want you to pick a stance. You would rather not pick, so you take
a stand, knowing the cause of your emotional disturbance. You state that
they are both entitled to their opinions and that you would rather just enjoy
the meal and not argue anymore.
 
 2)     Creating a boundary with their emotions and argument is your act of
clearing.

Both of your friends become quiet, and you order your food, changing the
subject to other matters. One of your friends decides to get up and use the
restroom. While they are gone, the remaining friend spoils the mood by
inviting you to take his side against the other friend. You begin to feel
agitated by his secret ploy to gain your favor, and you interrupt him by
saying that it really doesn’t matter to you who is right and that you prefer
not to take a side between friends (another act of clearing). There are
several ways to clear the air, and here are just a few:
Creating a personal boundary
 
Diplomatically changing the subject
 
Offering that you understand both perspectives
 
Leaving the situation and returning with a clear perspective
 
Pursuing other ideas and thoughts
 
Suggesting that they have a good time arguing when they are not
around
 
When you are in certain situations, tactics for “clearing the air” will depend
on the moment. What you can do is simply offer your empathy and try not
to absorb anyone’s emotions in the process, because as you know, you are
likely to feel it a good deal more deeply than anyone else at the table.
 
Once you have cleared the air a little bit, it is important to get back to your
feeling of balance. The whole meal has thrown you off in unexpected ways,
and you are much more interested in having a relaxing weekend brunch.
You practice deep, long, slow breaths while you listen to your friends talk
at-and-over each other to help yourself stay grounded. After you leave the
diner, you do something grounding in your car or back at your house to feel
balanced again.
 
3)     Grounding is the first and last step to help you achieve and maintain
balance.

It is a simple practice and one that you may not be accustomed to. When
you follow these three steps, you create self-awareness and awareness of
others. When you are open to what is happening within you and around
you, you are much more capable of reacting in a grounded and calm way,
maintaining your boundaries, good listening, self-empowerment and ability
to keep a balanced focus, even when things are not in your control, or your
responsibility to resolve.
 

Listen to Your Intuition

Your intuition is always with you. You have had it since birth, and whether
you are familiar with it or not, it is always seeking to be of assistance. Many
people do not trust their intuitions because they were taught or shown not to
or simply never think about it as a part of the human experience.
 
Your intuition is powerful and unique to your reality, and if you happen to
be someone with a strong empathic ability, then you need to be sure that
your intuition is honed and ready for action. It is basically one of the
contributing elements of being an empath because it helps direct your
understanding of how a person is feeling about you or the experiences they
are having.
 
Intuition plays a big role in how we make decisions. Have you ever had a
feeling about something, and then you went against it, deciding that you
were probably wrong, only to discover that your intuition was right and you
should have just listened to yourself? Many people have this experience,
more often than you might think, and the key to developing your intuition
as part of your empath skills is to try trusting your intuition to guide you in
the right direction.
 
Feeling and sensing, when things are “on” or “off,” are part of the intuitive
process. Empaths have much stronger intuitive processing than others
because they are constantly sensing the people, places, and things all around
them. There are a variety of ways that your intuition tells you what to do,
say, ask, try, and so forth. It is possible that your intuition is linked to your
self-confidence and that when you “follow your gut” and trust your innate
wisdom to choose a course in life, you are gaining self-confidence and
willpower.
 
All you need to do to allow for your intuition to play a part in your
empathic experiences is to honor when it arrives to help you out. Here is an
example of what I mean:
 
You walk into your friend’s house, and you immediately sense something is
“off.” The air feels thick, sad, and uncomfortable. Your immediate thought
is that she has just had a fight with her partner, but you avoid making that
assumption. You think this could be true because she has opened up to you
in the past about some of their recent relationship issues. She invites you in
and acts like everything is great, so you don’t ask about the feeling you are
getting.
 
As you get settled in to spend time together, you are able to sense that she is
hiding something from you and your head returns to your initial “feeling”
you had when you arrived. She isn’t saying anything about it, and you don’t
want to pry, however, as her friend, you feel compelled to check on her.
 
You might ask her how her partner is and if she will be joining you. She
offers that her partner left just before you arrived and wasn’t sure when he
would be back. Your intuition speaks up again, wanting to confirm your
initial feeling. Here, you are ready to ask your friend if things are going
okay between them while your friend begins to open up about the fight they
had in the living room, right before you arrived.
 
In this scenario, your intuition is calling something out right away, and then
two more times during your initial experience with your friend. Many
people gloss over these feelings and assume that they are just making
things, up, but as you pay closer attention to these signals, you become
better equipped to honor and accept what you are picking up on. Your
intuition is helping you as a means of survival and safety. From the
perspective of the primitive brain, your intuition is what keeps you out of
potential danger.
 
Obviously, having a cup of coffee with a gal pal isn’t dangerous, but the
emotional energy of the room you are sitting in could be, and so your
internal guidance system is checking in with you to help you stay balanced,
secure and safe, no matter what the circumstances are.
 
Developing this skill is so important for the empath because it allows you to
understand people and situations better, as well as offering you ways to
decide whether or not something is good or safe for you to be around. For
example, you may need your intuition to help you stay out of a conversation
with an energy vampire or a narcissist so that you are not taking on all of
their toxic energy.
 
You might also find your intuition helpful when you are determining the
best way to be empathic towards someone. You will be able to discern
better if that person wants your advice, or if they just need some to listen
while they talk.
 
Intuition is powerful, and everyone has one. Developing this ability is part
of your Empath’s tool chest and the more you listen and trust your intuition,
the better able you will be to have confidence in your abilities and maintain
mastery over your emotions.
 
All of the tools and steps in this chapter are excellent ways to help you
begin to develop your empathic skills. All of these concepts, when put
together and practiced regularly, will help you feel secure, grounded,
balanced and fully capable of helping and supporting others, as much as
you are helping and supporting yourself.
 Chapter 6: Emotional Mastery
 
 
 
Developing your empath skills is a wonderful opportunity for you to
understand the quality of your gift and how beneficial it can be to a variety
of life circumstances. You may not always want to be the “shoulder to cry
on,” but because of your gift, people may be drawn to you because of how
empathic you are. Knowing exactly how your gifts and skills work will help
you maintain a balanced life as you help others in their moments of need.
 
That being said, there are other factors that are important to consider and
focus on when it comes to your emotional intelligence and how to handle
your own feelings, not just the emotions of others. Part of the problem with
being an empath and being able to “download” someone else’s emotional
state, or life drama, is that you end up out of sorts and far away from your
own true self as a result. These kinds of issues lead to a whole chain of
difficult emotional processing moments that can be confusing when you
don’t know where your feelings are coming from.
 
In the end, it is up to you to decide how to embrace your gifts and empower
yourself by learning how to master your emotions, improve your emotional
intelligence, and overcome any fears that you may have about who you are
and what you are capable of. The real reason you are here is to learn these
skills and tactics while developing your gifts to be more beneficial for you
AND other people.
 
While you have been reading this book, you have learned all about how
challenging it can be if you are a “true empath,” someone who can sense,
feel and occasionally interpret the emotions and thoughts of another person,
or group. You have also learned the impact of this on your own energy,
thoughts, and emotions and that if your skills are not met with discipline
and development, you will fall into cycles of anxiety, depression, and a lot
of unwanted feelings absorbed form other people’s energy and experiences.
 
You can practice empathy in a healthy way, and even if you aren’t the true
empath, and you are just learning about how to lead a more empathic life,
emotional mastery is how you can act on that reality and become better
equipped to identify your own emotions as well as you can relate to
someone else’s.
 
There are quite a few helpful things to understand and practice in this
chapter, but first, we need to go over what some of the emotional challenges
are so that you can understand, recall and relate to the difference between
emotional intelligence and emotional disruption.
 

Emotional Challenges for the Empath

As you get better equated with the skills of the empath and are familiar with
the ways that these gifts can go in the opposite direction of “good,” you are
aware of the ways that it can be a problem to your own emotional well-
being. The problem is not that you don’t understand emotions, or that you
lack the capacity to feel any empathy for someone else; the issue is not
knowing when to let someone else’s feelings to be theirs, and let your
feelings to be yours.
 
The benefits of empathy have already been shown to you, but when you are
disengaged with practicing healthy emotional boundaries and awareness,
then you fall into unconscious traps that can lead to difficulties down the
road. In truth, we rarely recognize that we are absorbing someone else’s
“stuff” and it isn’t until we get home and settle in for the night that we
realize that we haven’t felt “normal” since that conversation with the boss
earlier that morning.
 
So why do these things occur in the first place? Many people, not just
empaths, are not given the proper emotional tools when we are young and
adolescent. There certainly are plenty of adults in the world who were
modeled effective tools to understand and process their emotions, but not all
of us can say the same. For some people, it even feels impossible to identify
what you are feeling in the first place, let alone why you are feeling that
emotion.
 
The basics of emotional mastery are detailed in the next sub-chapter, and
they will show you how to handle these situations in a more effective way.
Bringing your emotions into the spotlight hasn’t always been approved of,
historically. In fact, there is a bit of a stigma, in a variety of cultures, that if
you show or express your emotions, then you are weak. So many people,
men, and women alike have taught themselves or learned how to be stoic,
lacking an ability to resolve any of their emotional baggage.
 
This “emotional baggage” is inheritable. This means that if you are born
into a family that hasn’t learned emotional intelligence and mastery, then
you will learn from them not to understand or process your emotional self.
This can obviously lead to a large list of mental and emotional problems
later in life, which causes people to distrust their own emotions or their lack
good judgment when serious feelings present themselves for understanding
and healing because it is what they learned from their emotionally
unintelligent caregivers.
 
We are not always unhappy, even when we are not as adept at processing
our emotions. In fact, it is part of the human experience to learn through
your journey, relationships, and a variety of situations. We cannot know
everything all at once, and that is why being able to learn emotional
mastery and intelligence right now is such a powerful and positive part of
your growth path. Everyone is looking for an answer of some kind, and for
you reading this book, the answer is all about learning why we have
emotional challenges when we are empaths and how to relearn ways to
understand our peers, as well as ourselves.
 
With it stemming from a long history of emotional issues, the whole world
has seen the rise of psychoanalysis and various forms of talk therapy that
have produced a wide range of theories and concepts about the human
experience and why we have the emotions that we do. Some people will try
to avoid having any negative feelings at all, stating to themselves that it is
better to work toward having a life that only involves happy feelings and
joy. These two emotions are wonderful and feel good, but negative
emotions can actually be very important teachers. If you banish your own
challenging feelings that come up, then you never give yourself a chance to
honor them and why you have them, making it impossible for you to
resolve them. How can you have emotional intelligence if you don’t allow
yourself to experience and understand ALL of the feelings you have?
 
Emotional avoidance is common among all people, and we certainly go
through varying degrees of it in our lives. Why? Why do we choose to
avoid our more uncomfortable and challenging emotions? The answer: fear.
Fear is a very powerful emotion, and it has the capacity to take over the
reins of your life while you sit in the passenger seat biting your nails.
 
Certain emotions can be scary because they are a way for you to announce
to yourself that what you are feeling is important, that it matters and that it
could change everything. An example of an emotion or feeling that is scary
could be loving someone for years and then noticing that you don’t love
them anymore and want to separate, or realizing that you know your true
purpose but that you don’t want to give up the security of your current
profession. It can look like wanting to admit to someone close to you that
you find them to be really rude and critical, but being too scared to honor
those feelings, even when they hurt you.
 
Our emotional avoidance can lead to a life half-lived, instead of fully lived
through our understanding of our feelings and our lack of fear about
responding to those emotions. It certainly can take a lot of practice if you
are not used to handling your feelings and your life in this way, but it is
certainly worth it.
 
All of these challenges are not specific to the empath, but to all people and
if you are empathic, then you do well to understand where everyone else is
coming from, too: after all, we are all in this together. For the empath, all of
these things can be felt more significantly because of how powerful the gift
of sensing and feeling everyone else’s feelings is, and it can be hard to
equate your own feelings with your own experiences versus another
person’s.
 
The challenges for the empath are more intense and visceral. You are at a
heightened level of emotional awareness, which is why it is that much more
important to understand your own feelings. Under the surface, there are a
lot of ways that you don’t even realize how you are taking on unwanted
energies and emotions from the surrounding environment and the people in
it. You have to know what your skills are so that you can train yourself to be
better able to handle all of the sensations, feelings, and situations that will
present themselves to you.
 
What are some of the emotional challenges for the empath? Look at the
following list and see if any of these issues resonate with you and your
experiences:
Defining your personal emotions based on what you are feeling
or sensing from someone else
 
Emotional exhaustion
  
Lingering feelings of guilt, shame, lack of self-worth, coming
from people around you
 
Depression, anxiety, fear that result in challenges with your
home, family and work-life
 
Difficulty connecting to your own feelings at any given moment
 
Partnerships that revolve around the other person’s feelings,
leaving you empty and emotionally spent
 
Never having time to work through your own feelings because
you are always working on someone else’s
 
Losing self-confidence over time because of how many people
you are “connecting to,” or energetically absorbing
 
Beliefs that you are not good at your gifts and skills
 
Fear of other people’s reactions and trying to placate everyone at
the expense of your own power and gift
 
 
These are only some of the possibilities, and if you are an empath, you may
have felt some other ideas spring up as you were reading this list. The
emotional challenges of the empath are not different from everyone else;
however, they are heightened and can feel much more extreme, especially if
you have not learned to master your emotions.
 
Fear not! The next section is an outline to help you find a new way to
experience your emotions as you gain more confidence in your empath
skills. The information outlined there will be all you need to truly
understand what it means to have emotional intelligence so that you can
live a confident, relaxed, and empathic life.
 

Steps to Emotional Mastery: The Formula

Emotional mastery is not as hard as it might seem. It is simply a way to help
you respond well to any emotion that you may have, whether it is coming
from your own experience, or whether you are absorbing another person’s
feelings because of your highly empathic nature.
 
Emotional intelligence is something we should all be taught in our youth so
that we have the best tools to use as adults to help us thrive and enjoy life’s
highs and lows, without falling into dark depressions, or serious worry. You
can learn to master your emotions and gain more emotional intelligence
with the following formula: identify, appreciate, understand, awareness,
action, and gratitude. Does it seem too simple? That’s because it is easier
than you, or others, may have led you to believe. There are no secret tricks,
just your ability to understand this formula and all it takes is a few moments
of practice, and you are on your way to being in charge of your feelings and
always available to understanding others as well.
 
Let’s break down each component of the emotional mastery formula so that
you can see how to engage with each process effectively and efficiently.
 

Identify
Emotions can come up out of nowhere sometimes, and you might not have
any clue why you are all of a sudden feeling sad, or unhappy. Likewise, you
can be very clear about where your emotions are coming from, based on
whatever experience you are having that might be triggering you to feel a
certain way.
 
The key thing to do at the moment you are feeling your emotions is to
identify them. This is an incredibly important first step. It is how you begin
to learn how to master your emotions and develop emotional intelligence.
You have to know why you are sad, angry, frustrated, melancholy so that
you can know what to do about it.
 
Let’s use a general example, not specific to the empath, but to any
emotional experience, in which you are fighting with your partner, and you
start to feel your emotions shift from feeling like you have a diplomatic
argument, to a fight that involves more intense feelings. You begin to feel
like your temperature is rising, or your blood is boiling, as you try to defend
your point of view against this counterpoint from your partner.
 
At this moment, you have an emotion, and what you have to IDENTIFY is
what the emotion is and why it is happening right now. In this case, it might
feel like an impossible moment to try and process your feelings, but that is
just what emotional mastery is all about: learning how to understand your
emotions well so that they don’t get out of hand, to begin with.
 
It is amazing how pausing for a second to reflect can shift the dynamic of
the fight. You might suggest that you both take a moment to breathe while
you collect your thoughts so that you can work to identify your feelings.
This is where you get to use your intuition as your guide.
 
Steps to Identifying Your Emotion
What are you feeling?
You are angry. Why are you angry?
You are in a fight with someone. Why are you in a fight with
someone?
Because they are challenging your words and how you are
expressing yourself? Why are they challenging your words and
how you are expressing yourself?
Because you are doing the same thing to them, hence the
argument: Why am I doing that to them?”
“Because I feel threatened and unable to express myself, and it
makes me feel angry.”

 
This simple method for identifying your emotions is what I like to call
“Question-Answer.” It has a way of helping you start at the beginning and
work your way to the clearest stopping point. This is a tool you can perform
in your head; it does not have to occur out loud, and it is meant for you to
identify your emotions. It is a way for you to appreciate what is happening
at the moment so that you can help yourself and your partner to resolve
your experience.
 
Identifying your emotional experiences are what help you grow. If you can
take a step back and truly consider what it is that you are feeling, then you
can learn how to make accurate and healthy processes for working through
the more challenging aspects of any emotional experience.
 
It is as simple as doing a quick check in to honor what you are going
through. The key is to try and identify your emotion as it begins to occur so
that you are not dealing with it days later. This ability to identify how you
are feeling in the moment is what helps you to practice being a secure and
grounded individual.
 
The next step in the formula will help you respond well to what you are
identifying. Your emotions are valid, and there is a reason that they are
coming up. Appreciating what those feelings are is what will help you to
understand them.
 

Appreciate
How do you appreciate and emotion, even a “negative or bad” one, while
you are experiencing it? This tool is another part of emotional intelligence.
If you can appreciate the emotion you are having, then you are able to
comprehend why you are having it, which will lead to its eventual
resolution.
 
What does emotional appreciation look like? Let’s continue with the
example of having a quarrel with your partner. Through the identification
process, you have determined that you are angry because you do not feel
heard and validated by your partner. By identifying the why of the matter,
you can understand your partner as well as yourself because you are
offering yourself perspective at the moment.
 
To appreciate your emotion means to say to yourself that it is okay that you
have that feeling. It is okay that you are angry because you don’t feel
valued by your partner, and thusly, it is okay that they are expressing anger
toward you for the same reason. When you appreciate the emotion, then
you are able to give space to its existence and acknowledge that it is always
okay for us to respond to something or someone in our own way.
 
When you give yourself permission to feel, then you grant yourself the
gateway to having emotional intelligence and mastering the way they rise
up and create more intensity in any experience.
 
Steps to Emotional Appreciation
Emotion = Anger
Reason = Feeling unheard and invalidated
1. Accept that you are angry and resolve to understand the feeling.
 
2. Acknowledge that your partner is also angry and that you are
both involved in this emotional experience.
  
3. Allow yourself to feel your emotion so that you can begin to heal
the feeling with understanding.
 
 
These three, simple steps can be used with any emotion, even good ones
that need understanding. Accept, Acknowledge, and Allow: these are the
key points of appreciating your identified emotion. Once you have this step
in the formula covered, you can begin to understand your emotions.
 
For the empath, it is crucial that you are able to understand your own
feelings so that you are better able to understand the feelings of the other
person involved. You may want to be right all of the time, but when you
identify and appreciate your emotions, then you can understand that your
partner or the person you are speaking to has the same needs as you do.
This is what being empathic is all about.
 

Understand
After you have identified and appreciated your emotion, you can determine
what it means to the situation at hand. There are, of course, infinite
examples and scenarios for how to understand any emotional state or
experience, and as we continue with the same example, you will be able to
get the point of what the understanding phase is all about.
 
Identify + Appreciate Understanding
 
As you welcome your emotion into the fight that you are having with your
partner, you can then engage with the specifics of what you are feeling and
why. You may begin to change course here and make some key points about
how you are feeling to your partner in order to create a deeper
understanding. As you look at the situation from your own emotional point
of view, you can understand that the core of the issue isn’t about winning
the argument, or being right; it’s about feeling like you are never heard or
validated by your partner.
 
When you give a name to your emotions and appreciate why they are
occurring, you begin to broaden the perspective a little and gain a better
view of the big picture issue. Understanding means seeing beyond the
moment and acknowledging the presence of this emotion in multiple
situations involving arguments with your partner in which you feel angry
because you are unheard and invalidated.
 
This gives you the perspective you need to move ahead to help the source
of the issue come to light to be healed and resolved. So, let’s see how that
would look in this situation.
1. You have quietly identified your feelings with Question-Answer.
 
2. You have Accepted, Acknowledged, and Allowed that you are
angry and that you have a right to feel your feelings.
 
3. You are ready to understand how to make it apparent that you
have these feelings so that they are ready to be resolved.
 
 4. You stop the argument from boiling and make a statement of
your feelings, using declarative, fact-based statements.
 
I am angry right now because I feel like you can’t hear
what I am saying.
 
I am angry because I feel like you never allow me to say
what I need and want to.
 
I am angry because I feel like you are using my feelings
against me, to get a rise out of me.
 
I am angry because I feel like you don’t want to hear my
side, no matter what I say.
 
5. Making a declarative statement or two, based on your
identification and appreciation of your feelings is what creates
understanding about your feelings and then opens the doorway to
the next phase in the emotional mastery formula: awareness.

Awareness
Identify + Appreciate Understanding = Awareness
When you understand your own feelings, you can bring greater awareness
to them, as well as to the emotional state of the other person involved. This
is true of group dynamics as well. Every person wants to be heard and
validated, and when you have the emotional intelligence to identify,
appreciate, and understand your feelings, then you can bring others into
awareness of that as well.
 
In this example, you have stated to your partner that you are angry for
specific reasons. You use a clearly identified emotion to explain what you
are feeling, followed by a reason for it. You have made it clear to your
partner that you are able to identify why you are arguing and what it means
to you. This is a great way to open up the conversation to be a more
connected and less argumentative experience because you are allowing for
the subject to change from defense and ego to offense and empathy.
 
Giving space to the identified feelings, and your understanding of them
gives you more space to awaken awareness in yourself and the person you
are communicating with. This act will then, in turn, allow the other person
to follow your lead. Whomever you are with, and no matter what the
situation may be, when you lead by the example of emotional intelligence,
you invite others to practice the same attitude and emotional authority.
 
You created awareness about your feelings, and now your partner can do the
same. Once this bridge is crossed, it leads to what you can do to change or
resolve the emotions involved.
 
Your partner may admit that they feel angry too, or that they are sad at the
idea that you are angry, but that they feel the same way. When you are able
to share your emotions with another, you can then begin to understand them
better together and create a deeper awareness of what the core issues are.
 
It may come to light, once you have shared and opened, that you both
recognize that you regularly argue, about 2 times a month and always about
the same issue: whose turn it is to take out the trash, as a simple example.
The argument has deeper layers to it, but the event of taking out the trash is
what makes you both realize that you can get to a boiling point regularly
when you are not regularly being heard or respected by your partner. The
trash schedule is just a catalyst for you to identify your deeper feelings.
 
Once you have been able to connect to this awareness, you can follow
forward into the next phase of emotional mastery: action.
 

Action
Identify + Appreciate Understanding = Awareness x Action
You won’t be able to effectively master your emotions if you are unwilling
to take action to resolve your experiences. When you get to the awareness
phase, the goal is that you solve the problem. Now that you have identified
and understood the main emotion and the reasons behind it, you can’t just
leave it at that! You have to push through and resolve to grow through it,
whether you are doing it by yourself with your own personal, emotional
growth, or with others.
 
The key to action, with any situation, is to create an agenda for resolution. It
doesn’t have to be a calendar date marked and adhered to, or even a detailed
document; it can be as simple as stating out loud that you are aware of the
issues and that you resolve to change it by doing “xyz.”
 
With your partner, you may decide that it isn’t just about the trash, but that
you want to create a plan to make sure it feels even and balanced for both of
you. This could include making a mark on the calendar so that you know
what days are yours to take out the trash.
 
Next, you would need to honor that there are deeper issues involving you
both having a feeling of poor communication and feelings of being unheard
and invalidated when you speak to the other person. This requires a greater
resolve.
 
An action of this kind requires that you are both willing to try to create
continued awareness around the identified issues so that you can grow out
of the problem together—if we are continuing with the same example. If
you are working alone on your emotional intelligence mastery, through your
private and personal experiences, you can acknowledge these things to
yourself and create your own affirmations to make changes so that you
don’t continue to have the same emotional reactions to the same situations,
over and over again.
 
This is what emotional mastery is all about. Action is the key step to
making changes in your emotions, but you can’t take action until you have
identified, appreciated, understood, and created awareness. It really is the
most beneficial to you as you gain a better understanding of your own, and
any person’s emotional journey, by following this formula.
Steps to Action
 1. Identify your emotions.
 
2. Appreciate your emotions.
 
3. Understand your emotions.
 
4. Create awareness about why they are happening.
 
5. Develop your plan to solve the problem and/or create new ways
of handling a situation, person, or experience.

 
When you follow these steps, you can handle any emotional situation, no
matter how intense, or uncomfortable it is, and you will discover more
about your empathic gifts when you can show yourself and others, your
ability to be the master of your emotions.
 
The final step is a great way for you to monitor yourself and your progress.
It shows that you have created change, or that you have allowed your
feelings to be a part of your experience, without allowing them to govern
your life completely.
 

Gratitude
Identify + Appreciate Understanding = Awareness x Action
Gratitude
Gratitude is an incredibly valuable tool in emotional mastery. Having an
ability to express gratitude to yourself and others is what helps you involve
your whole experience in a way that is positive, refreshing, and abundant.
When you consider the same example, at the end of the argument and the
action needed to make changes in your partnership dynamic, you can
express the gratitude that you were able to come to this agreement and fight
for a better outcome instead of against each other.
 
You can have gratitude to your partner that they were so defensive because
it helped you fight for yourself more and then helped you discover that you
were both feeling similarly about the quality of your communication
together.
 
When you create awareness around an issue and resolve to change it, you
can feel happier that you are making progress and it shows up in the form of
gratitude for all of the hard lessons that your emotions are capable of
teaching you.
 
Bringing gratitude into your emotional intelligence and mastery is what will
help you develop your skills more effectively and efficiently. It is what you
want to open up to, especially as an empath.
 
Give yourself practice in these ways, and you will give yourself the key to
letting go of self-judgment and criticism, fear, low confidence, and the
emotional upheaval that comes from being an empath and an “emotional
sponge.” You can live a fuller, happier life when you give yourself the
emotional freedom to do so.
 
Practice these six steps every time you begin to feel your emotions shift,
sway, or cause imbalance to your life experience. The more aware you are
of your own feelings, the better able you will understand the emotions of
others.
Chapter 7:Accepting the Gifts of Empathy
 

 
Working with your empathy skills is such an important aspect of being a
person in a lot of ways. You are able to see through the ideas, thoughts, and
emotional realities of so many situations with so many different kinds of
people that you are able to gain more powerful and productive insight to life
overall. How you use your skills is up to you, and you will find a lot of very
important places in your life that being an empath, or having strong
empathy skills, will lead you through with more emotional agility,
responsiveness, gratitude, and ability to help others.
 
Helping other people is as important to our world work as it is for you to
help yourself through any situation. Mastering your emotions and
developing your emotional intelligence is all about letting yourself find the
right avenues to be equipped to handle just about anything with anyone.
You can really give back to the community, the home, the family and
friends, while you give to yourself and that is powerful indeed.
 
In truth, the empath will always find themselves in situations where they
need to be helpful because they are naturally resourceful in this way. It is
part of your nature to act in accordance with this kind of gift and skill, and
so as you work more on developing your gifts, be proud of how wonderful
it is to have this opportunity and ability.
 
Feelings are threatening to some people, and you may notice this as soon as
you open your mouth to talk about yours with certain individuals. Learning
from their reaction gives you the upper hand because you are immediately
guided by them to respond in a more instructive and less emotional way.
When you are engaging in conversations with new people and friends, you
may not know ahead of time whet it will be like, but you will certainly be
able to tell at the moment, and this can give you a great advantage to
discovering more about a person right off the bat.
 
You can become an even greater friend and ally to someone new who you
meet because of your strong ability to be empathic towards them, no matter
what the conversation is detailing. What you are is a member of society that
can give an abundant amount of goodness, kindness, listening, and
validation—which are what everyone wants, for the most part, a majority of
the time.
 
If you can offer this gift to others, while you maintain a good balance with
your own feelings through emotional mastery, then you will be equipped to
work well in any group dynamic, any relationship and any experience that
you are likely to have. Where you go from, there is also up to you. You may
decide that you need to shift your career to me more about your skills of
empathy. If you remember from the earlier chapters in this book, there are
certain professions that go very well with your natural tendency to be an
empath. It is a good idea for anyone with this skill to use it more as a career
and allow it to open up all of the people around you that much more.
 
You can give your gift to society when you consider how your skills can
benefit the working world and whatever profession you choose to follow.
Anything you do as a career can offer empathy, and when you are feeling
confident in your abilities, you make your work that much more fulfilling,
by utilizing your skills and abilities to help other people feel good in what
they do as well. If you have learned how to master your emotions, then you
will not have a need to compete, and you can just offer support to any
individual who is looking for a leg up, while you continue to climb your
own life ladders.
 
What you can do as a career will depend on who you are as a person and
how you want to define yourself in this life. You may not wish to support
yourself financially as an empath, choosing a career that would honor that
gift and bring it to the forefront. For you, your empathy may be better used
close to home, friends, family, and personal relationships. Regardless of
your professions, you will always bring empathy into the folds of all of
your life experience when you accept that you have this gift and that you
want to use it for good.
 
In the previous chapters, you have discovered so many facts and details
about what being a true empath can look and feel like and what kinds of
situations can be the most challenging and difficult for you. It is not a bad
thing to be so sensitive to other people’s feelings and emotions, and even
when it feels awful at the moment, if you follow the instructions in
Chapters 5 and 6 about developing your skills and mastering your emotions,
then you will be able to act confidently with your gift.
 
Not all people will be as open as you are and may not understand how you
are able to work in these ways. Once you allow your gift to take hold of
your identity and give yourself the confidence to support it, there may be
people in your life, even close relatives and partners, who feel unhappy that
you are in such control of your feelings, in a way they have not yet
discovered.
 
This is a great time for your empathic abilities to show up. When you have
educated yourself to be more emotionally intelligent, receptive, and agile,
then you can support yourself and your emotions through all of your
relationships. You will be able to regard anyone else’s feelings as a matter
of importance, and while you show them your newfound skills and mastery,
you may even be able to invoke their own learning process.
 
Empaths are very gifted at leading by example: it’s not pushy or forceful; it
is simply a part of your emotional skills and nature to be in a better balance
with your feelings, once you have learned how to develop your gift. This
can lead to other people seeing that there is a good opening for them to look
at things like you do as well.
 
Keep in mind that you have to do the work to understand your feelings
before you can be a masterful empath. You are always responsible for your
own emotional state and your reactions to other people and situations, and if
you don’t connect those dots, then you won’t be very good at helping
anyone else, let alone yourself.
 
When you accept this as a gift, you will understand all of the different ways
that you can be a good friend, colleague, ally, partner, mother, father,
stranger, and guide in the waters of life. Everyone has the capacity to be
empathic, but not all people would call themselves empaths. It can be
developed and strengthened, and if you want to use these “powers” to help
other people and yourself, then acceptance is a great place to start. Answer
some of the following questions to decide if you are ready to accept your
gift and deepen your skills as an empath:
1. Are you excited to talk to others about life, problems, emotions,
personal issues, growth, and transformation?
 
2. Are you willing to offer your time and energy to be supportive
and helpful to other people?
 
 3. Do you feel happy when you have had an intense conversation
with someone and know that they needed someone to talk to
about it all?
 
4. Are you interested in being a mentor, mediator, counselor, or
healer?
 
5. Do you like problem-solving your own feelings?
 
6. Do you spend a lot of time exploring and investigating personal
growth and self-help manuals and guidance?
 
7. Are you connected to your feelings in a way that makes them an
intense part of your life, every day?
 
8. Are you failing to notice how strong and powerful your gifts are
because other people have told you that you are too sensitive?
 
9. Are you able to look at these chapters and identify with this
reality?
 
10. Do you want to accept that you are good at listening to people
and reading their emotions?
 
 
If you answered yes to at least half of these questions, then you are ready to
know more about the power of your gift. If you are asking any of these
questions already, then you are ahead of the game and can begin to ignite
your emotional mastery so that you can become a wiser person and stronger
empath.
 
Don’t get discouraged on the road to accepting your truth. There are many
people who are not as emotionally secure and capable of emotional
intelligence, and as a new empath, you know how easy it is to pick up on
those “vibes.” Overcoming the fear that you might have about your own
role as an empath, and gaining a greater sense of confidence and self-worth,
will help you continue to embrace what you are capable of doing.
 
Confidence relies upon your ability to trust yourself, your feelings, and
[why you are feeling them in the first place. When you are careful not to
take on other people’s unwanted feelings, you are even better at being
empathic because you won’t feel discouraged, worried, or anxious because
of someone else’s emotional jeopardy. Practicing being grounded and
intuitive reasoning is very powerful and helps you connect more deeply to
your emotional mastery.
 
Accepting your gifts as an empath might feel hard at first, or not at all! You
may feel empowered by reading this book and that you are ready to start
practicing your emotional intelligence mastery and developing good empath
skills. Either way, you are on the right track by considering all of this
information and how it can affect you and the people in your life.
 
There are important reasons why you should accept this gift:
Helping people feel alive, aware and seen
 
Giving yourself an opportunity to look beyond what lies on the
surface and go deeper
 
Explore relationships in a completely different way, adding to
the connections that you have with others
 
Helping you achieve greater career and professional success
because of how capable you are at working with other people
 
Mastery of your emotions so that your whole life feels more
aligned, balanced and grounded with who you are, what you
want and how you feel
 
An opportunity to learn more about other people, cultures,
religions, societies, etc., because of how easy it is for you to
embrace all people
 
Sensitivity to what other people want and need, sometimes
before they even verbalize it
 
Ability to understand a crowd, group, or energy of a room so that
you can decide if it is a good place for you to be in
 
Strong understanding of where people are coming from and why
 
Creative diplomacy and problem-solving skills
 
 An attitude of awareness about how to help, heal, resolve, and
balance
 
Professional ability to help other people find what they need to
support their own growth journeys
 
Connection to more than just thoughts and feelings, but to
energy as well
 
Kindness, compassion, and confidence with both of these
abilities

Feeling one with the whole world and all of the people in it
 
As you can see, there are so many good reasons to accept your empathic
gifts, and not all of them are even listed here. You will find more and more
reasons as you continue to grow and develop your skills. Emotional mastery
is only one aspect of how you can gain confidence and overcome your
fears. This whole book invites you to take a look at all aspects of being an
empath and why it is such a useful tool in all societies and cultures.
 
Your ability to engage with all people about any matter is what makes you
such a special gift to this world and honing in on this ability is what will
help you define the rest of your life experience. Evolving your empathic
approach means giving yourself permission to enjoy it and live it! In the
final chapter of this book, we will go over all of these concept to help you
effectively align with your gifts and skills so that you are well on your way
to living a happy, confident, abundant life as you give aid and assistance to
your own feelings, as well as those of others. Embrace your gift now, and
enjoy the fruitful results of empathy!
 Chapter 8:Empathy Ongoing: Your Tools
at a Glance
 

 
All you have to do now is put all of these tools and techniques into practice.
You are ready! If you have accepted your gift as an empath, then you can
really get going with changing the way you process your own feelings and
the feelings of other people. There are so many important things to
remember from what you have read in this book, and this chapter will give
you the information in a distilled format so that you can quickly reference
all of the pointers and steps you need to set you up for empath success.
 
Anytime that you feel like you need a quick reference, you can thumb
through to this chapter to give you the resources that you need to feel
supported and capable of any situation.
Step 1: Know Your Sensitivities
Ask yourself what you are the most sensitive to. Value your knowledge
about your sensitivities, whether it is to noise, smells, certain places or
people, certain foods or beverages, and so forth.
 
Whatever you are sensitive to can be either avoided or mastered. If you are
prepared to explore your sensitivities more, then you can have a better
handle on any situation you are involved in.
 
Find ways to work with your sensitivities so that they don’t prevent you
from enjoying the world around you, but allow them to guide you in
healthier ways (ex: enjoying the first part of a rock and roll concert, but
leaving half an hour early to avoid your sensitivity to thick crowds; or
bringing an essential oil with you in your pocket, if you are stuck in an
airplane for two hours next to a really “loud” perfume someone is wearing).
 
Your sensitivities are not a bad thing and can actually be incredibly helpful
and useful in a lot of ways. Know what they are so that you know how to
work well with them in the big, wide world of people, places, and scenarios.
Step 2: Know Your Gifts
Knowing what your gifts are can help inform you of what kind of empath
you are. You may be an empath who needs to work in a certain profession
as a healer or a diplomat so that you can express your gifts to the world.
Other empathic gifts are about the home, children, and family life. Some
empaths become teachers to guide other people on their paths throughout
life.
 
Whatever your gifts are, they are helpful for you to know so that you can be
more in touch with how you want to develop your gifts in your daily life.
Some of the gifts mentioned in this book are not limited to, the following:
Natural healers
Human lie detectors
Counselors
Artistic and creative
Passionate
Problem-solvers
Advisors
Mentors
Etc.

 
Only you can truly understand the depth of your gifts. Take time to identify
what they are so that you can improve upon those specific qualities to help
you align with your skills better.
Step 3: Remember Who Is Most Challenging for
You
Empaths have a lot of connection to other people. You can absorb anyone’s
feelings and have a knack for reading a person from the moment you lay
eyes on them. There are problematic people for empaths to be around
because of the nature of that person’s energy and emotions. The two main
personality types to be more protective around are the energy vampire and
the narcissist.
Energy vampires don’t mean to be challenging or difficult; they
don’t have a filter, and they control the situation with their
energy and emotions. It can often feel like they are draining you
of your energy, even when your goal is to be a helpful friend.
Know your limits and set healthy boundaries with this
personality type.
 
Narcissists are all charm, ease, and pleasure when you first get to
know them and then fall into the patterns of being unconsciously
and creatively manipulative in order to gain more of what they
want and need from you. They are not capable of empathy and
cannot be healed of this by you. You may think you can affect
change in the narcissist, but you are mistaken. They will always
want you to help them without giving you anything in return
unless it is an act of manipulation to get something from you.
 
 
Be wary of certain types of people who are looking for someone just like
you to latch onto so that they can get their needs met by someone good at
feeding people empathy, empowerment and the courage to feel their
feelings. Look for those who are more like-minded. You don’t have to reject
energy vampires and narcissists from your life; you simply need to be aware
of their tactics and create boundaries to better support your emotional
energy when you are around them.
Step 4: Good Listening and Boundaries
Developing your good listening skills and healthy boundaries will help you
be a better empath. If you are helping someone feel better about a situation
in their life, it is important that you are paying close attention to all that
they are saying and not let your mind wander. You also want to be careful
not to personalize their experience by taking in their emotional baggage and
claiming that energy as your own. You have to state clearly to yourself that
you know your limits and where they end and you begin.
 
Good listening means being open and available, but not a human energy
sponge. You create personal, internal boundaries that help you stay focused
and grounded in your own sense of self as you receive input from another
person.
 
A boundary can be as simple as an affirmation, meditation, or a pact with
yourself that you will be clear with a person when you are available to
listen and when you are not.
Step 5: Empowerment
Empowerment is the focus of a lot of empathic work you do. All of us need
someone to talk to, to listen to us, and to help us reach perspective in our
life qualms and experiences. As an empath, you have the power to help
someone feel in charge of their experience, that it is okay for them to be
going through what they are going through, and empower them to feel good
about whatever decisions they are making.
 
Lack of judgment and criticism leads to successful empowerment. The last
thing you want to do is tell someone that what they are thinking, feeling, or
choosing is wrong; that is actually incredibly disempowering. In order to
offer a sense of empowerment to another, empathizing with their journey is
what will help them the most, and showing them that you know exactly
how they must be feeling.
 
The act of empowering someone else to feel good about their experiences
and their choices can be directly empowering to you, the empath. When you
are helping others, you feel empowered because it is in your nature to offer
support. Offering good support—and not critical, judgmental advice—is the
best way to empower yourself and others as an empath.
Step 6: Grounding, Clearing, Realizing
These three basic steps to developing your empath skills are significant and
important to your self-awareness, empathic gifts, and emotional
intelligence. When put into a regular life practice, you can find ways to
exist in and engage with any situation and any person, no matter how
intense the personal energies and emotions may be.
Grounding connects you to your own energy. It is centering,
balancing, stabilizing, and creates a sense of security within
yourself as you relate to other people and their emotions. You
don’t have to practice grounding constantly, but it can be helpful
right before a meeting with someone, and directly afterward. It is
a technique that can involve a simple meditation, a conscious act
of connection to the earth, or even as simple as several deep
breaths in and out, to help you relax, calm your mind and energy
and bring you more deeply rooted into your own presence.
 
The clearing is a way for you to release and let go of any
unwanted energies that are infiltrating your very existence.
Sometimes, it isn’t possible to completely avoid absorbing
someone else’s emotions, and your only choice is to clear them
afterward. Clearing can involve setting up a boundary with
someone at the moment, either verbally, or internally in your
thoughts, changing the subject, removing yourself temporarily
and returning after some grounding, and so on.
 
 Realizing is an important step that occurs throughout a situation.
As you begin to get comfortable in a situation, as soon as your
feelings or energy shifts into something else, something that
feels “off” with how you are feeling, realize why and where it
came from. Pay attention to the cues all around you so that you
know when to clear and ground yourself.

 
These simple tools are an effective method for helping you manage your
empath skills so that you don’t lose sight of your own energy and emotions.
This developmental tool, combined with your emotional mastery formula, is
a great key to success.
Step 7: Intuition
Trusting your intuition is a huge step and can afford you with your greatest
tool yet. Many people are guided and taught by their families, society,
culture, and life experiences to ignore, or not trust their personal intuition.
We don’t even realize how much advertising teaches us not to trust
ourselves and instead to trust the brand name or the tag line. It’s
everywhere.
 
Your intuition is powerful, and it has been since you were born into the
world. An empath’s intuition is highly sensitive, and when you train
yourself to trust your inner guidance system, you will be less fearful and
more confident about your skills and abilities to help and heal people.
 
Ask yourself how to get in closer touch with your intuition and just listen
for an answer. I guarantee that the first thing that pops into your head is the
right choice for you, right now. Stop second-guessing yourself and use your
intuition to benefit yourself and others along the way.
Step 8: Identify + Appreciate Understanding =
Awareness x Action Gratitude
The formula for emotional mastery is only the beginning of how you can
help yourself become more emotionally intelligent. When you put this
formula to daily use, you will begin to form new neural pathways and
connection in your mind so that at a certain point, you won’t even have to
think about what the formula is and how it works; it will just be what you
know and how you respond to your emotions and other people’s feelings as
well.
 
This formula is a guidance system to keep you focused on the ultimate goal:
emotional mastery. When you follow these steps, you give yourself the gift
of heightened emotional intelligence, which empowers your empathic gifts
even more.
Identify + Appreciate Understanding = Awareness x Action
Gratitude
1. Question -Answer to identify your emotions.
 
2. Appreciate what your emotions are and why you have them by
accepting, acknowledging, and allowing.
 
3. Create a deeper understanding of the “why” behind your
emotion.
 
 4. Create awareness at the moment to help you inform yourself (or
others) about how to proceed, now that your emotion is
identified and understood.
 
5. Take action to resolve the emotion.
 
6. Express gratitude for the lessons your emotions teach you.
 
 
All of these steps are how you will survive and understand empathy so that
you can gain self-confidence, master your emotions, overcome your fears,
and accept your gifts. Use this resource guide any time you need to remind
yourself of the best steps to take to be a powerful empath and live in your
truth.
 Conclusion
 
Congratulations! You are well on your way to experiencing the gifts of
being an empath and how to master your emotions in any situation in life!
This book was a joy to write—and now that you have all of the tools you
need to discover more about your gift and how to work well with it, you can
begin to understand more about how important your empathic skills are to
the world.
 
In this book, you have learned the truth of what empathy is and what it
actually means to be an empath. You have been shown the difference
between someone who is good at being empathic and someone who actually
absorbs the feelings of others as if they were their own. Understanding the
empath is a huge part of what this book aims to teach so that you feel
confident about identifying your own level of empathic skill and how to
develop it for more usefulness in your life and others.
 
This book has also given you a good background about the neurological,
psychological, and physiological reality of how someone becomes an
empath in the first place. There are many sensitivities that show up, as well
as many gifts, and you have the option to explore understanding both sides
of being a true empath.
 
One of the more important realizations for many empaths is discovering
when someone around them is negatively influencing them, their emotions,
and their energy. You have learned about the energy vampire and the
narcissist and been given tools to help you identify this kind of person in
your life and how to feel better equipped to feel less influenced by their
neediness and emotional manipulation, taking care to surround yourself
with like-minded people.
 
Some of the most fun in writing this book is giving you the tools to develop
your empathic skills. There are unique and valuable instructions in this
book that will help you hone your gift and feel more confident and
comfortable with your ability to be supportive to yourself and others. Your
ability to learn what it means to be an empath so that you can identify the
best ways to work with that special gift is part of the skill involved.
 
All of this would not be fully possible without the essential formula to
emotional mastery that I have outlined for you in this book. It is one of
many ways for you to become more connected and adept at your emotional
intelligence and is a very simple tool that, if practiced regularly, will help
you have control over your feelings, have confidence in your skills, and be
fearless in your intuitive knowing and empathic gifts.
 
Moving forward, I hope that as you accept your empathic gifts, you will
bring some of these tools to the table to create more abundance and healing
in your life and into the lives of those around you. This gift is helpful in all
areas of your life—and as you grow and practice your masterful emotional
adeptness and empathy, you will gain so much more confidence as you
share the results with the people in your life.
 
I hope that you have found this book helpful in your journey to personal
mastery—and if you found it useful in any way, a review on amazon.com is
always appreciated. Thank you for reading!
 
  
 
Narcissistic Abuse
How to Understand Narcissistic
Abuse Syndrome and Recovery from
Emotional Abuse. A Guide to
Escaping Narcissism in Relationships
and Handling the Narcissists in Your
Family
 
 
 
 
 

By
Brandon Dark
 Introduction
 
 
 
We all know someone who thinks the world of themselves. To hear them
talk they are the best, the only one who understands how things should
really go. They’re the know-it-all at work or the one who never passes a
mirror without at least stealing a glance of themselves. They know what
they deserve, and they know what you don’t deserve, and they want to
make sure that everyone knows it, too. What they won’t tell you is that if
you’re not a member of their cheering section, there are going to be
problems. They could be someone at work, a family member, your spouse,
or your child. It might even be you. These are people who are called all
sorts of things behind their backs, things like egotistical, arrogant, cold,
thin-skinned, the list goes on, and in their way, they are all valid labels
because they all describe just one sort of person: the narcissist.
 
That’s not to say that all narcissism is necessarily bad or that all narcissists
are evil. Feeling good about yourself because you accomplished something
great and enjoying the accolades of others that go along with that
accomplishment is perfectly fine. Winning an award, scoring a promotion at
work, getting published, inventing the next big thing, and having a talented
child can all be a great and positive ego-boost. You feel good about
yourself, your efforts, the way things turned out, and people congratulate
you. You’re on top of the world and ready to move on to your next big
thing.
 
Problems, however, begin to arise when, as the old saying goes, you start
believing your own press, when the accomplishment is no longer seen as
the result of hard work, when you start forgetting the contributions of others
to your success, when you start believing that your accomplishment, your
greatness, comes from some special quality intrinsic within you and you
alone. The worse that gets, the worse those problems get. That’s the kind of
narcissism we’re going to discuss here, the problematic kind, but first, let’s
get some definitions clear.
 
Self-Love: The Essence of Narcissism
The story of Narcissism begins with the Greek myth of Narcissus, an
amazingly beautiful young hunter who, one day, was walking by a river and
decided to stop for a drink. Kneeling over the water, he saw his reflection
for the first time. Struck by the sheer beauty he saw in his own reflection,
Narcissus became so entranced and filled with desire that all he could do
was stare at himself. Finally, unable to realize his desire, he died of sorrow
at the riverbank. It is said that he is kneeling at the banks of the River Styx,
still admiring his reflection.
 
The story of Narcissus is a tale of self-love taken to the extreme, but it still
doesn’t rise to the level of malignant narcissism. Going forward, when we
mention narcissism, we are talking about malignant narcissism. When we
mention narcissists, we are talking about malignant narcissists.
Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm developed the concept in his book, The Heart
of Man: Its Genius for Good and Evil, distinguished malignant narcissism
from benign narcissism, pointing out that malignant narcissists judge their
self-worth based on special intrinsic qualities they believe they possess. As
a result, they have no reason to look for external validation. This allows
their narcissism to grow like cancer, hence Fromm called it malignant.
 
In such a situation, the malignant narcissist sees no reason to make an effort
with other people, even those close to them. After all, their greatness speaks
for itself and how dare you not recognize it? That belief, which is not
predicated upon anything more concrete than their own opinion, leads the
malignant narcissist into greater isolation and more overt narcissistic
displays to protect themselves from being exposed to the world, and to
themselves, like the empty shell they truly are.
 
Psychiatrist Otto Kernberg, in his article, “The Narcissistic Personality
Disorder and The Differential: Diagnosis of Antisocial Behavior,” described
malignant narcissism as a combination of the following traits:
Narcissism;
Antisocial behavior;
Paranoia; and
Sadism.
This places malignant narcissism on a spectrum with sociopathy and
psychopathy in that they all tend to be deceitful, manipulative abusers with
a marked lack of empathy.
 
Malignant Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
Syndrome
 
Malignant Narcissism, arising as it does from an intrinsic sense of personal
worth and not from anything external and so often connected with the traits
identified by Kernberg, tends to lead the malignant narcissist into abusive
relationships with those around them. This tends to lead to Narcissistic
Abuse Syndrome (NAS) in those closest to the narcissist.
 
A form of post-traumatic stress disorder, NAS is comprised of a group of
symptoms and behaviors that serve to keep the victim enmeshed in the
narcissistic abuse and with the abuser. That is what we’ll be exploring here:
What is narcissistic abuse syndrome, it’s causes, signs, and effects, and how
both the narcissist and the victims of narcissistic abuse can break out of it.
The topics we’ll cover include:
Recognizing narcissism
Examining how narcissists work
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Learning About Narcissism in Families and Relationships
Escaping and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
We will begin in the next chapter by looking at the traits that mark and
identify the malignant narcissist.
 Chapter 1: Recognizing the Malignant
Narcissist
 

 
Before diving into the diagnostic criteria that separate the malignant
narcissist from the rest of the pack, let’s take a look at someone who could
fit that description.
 
Meet David
 
Having started his career as a salesman, David is now the proud publisher
of a fairly successful niche banking magazine that was started by his late
father. David is in his fifties with a family. He employs an editor and a
graphic artist, accomplished people who he keeps a very close eye on. So
far, it’s a pretty normal scenario.
 
David’s pride in his position as a magazine publisher is very intense. He
took over the business knowing that he deserved it and that he was going to
grow it well beyond what his father accomplished. David is so invested in
that goal and in his belief that he is somehow anointed, he doesn’t care what
he has to do to make that happen. At industry events, he makes sure that
he’s the center of attention, collecting the accolades and compliments of the
bankers who advertise with him, and always looking the part of the highly
successful publisher.
 
David and his wife are the only ones who ever go to these events, though he
often tells his employees that they “should go to get to know the people
they’re covering.” He is also in the habit of second-guessing the
professionals that work under him and often berates them for the smallest
things, frequently redoing projects that he does not feel meet his standards.
It happens so often that he has trouble keeping people, they often find
themselves asking why he bothered hiring them. If you ask these employees
how it feels to work for David, they would answer with words like
“suffocating”, “demeaning”, “frustrating”, or even “toxic”. Mostly, they just
feel like tools.
 
At home, this self-centered behavior continues. The worth of his wife and
kids comes from what they can do for him, or his magazine, and how they
reflect upon him. Their concerns are strictly secondary, and he tends to
address them only when it would somehow benefit him.
 
That’s how it feels to work for, and live with, an extreme narcissist like
David. People like that are completely self-absorbed, seeing the world as
revolving around them because they see something in themselves that is
absolutely fantastic. As a result of this intrinsic quality, they see the people
around them as inferior, there to be manipulated, used, and in the case of the
malignant narcissist, abused.
 

Taking a Deeper Look

David’s behavior is the result of a combination of traits that skew his view
of himself and his relationship with others. Those specific traits include
extreme self-centeredness, a lack of empathy for others, and a lack of
“whole object relations” and “object constancy.” These last two are
important concepts that deserve an explanation.
 
When we talk about whole object relations, we are referring to the ability to
see yourself and others in a realistic and stable way and recognize that
people are complex, with good traits and qualities as well as bad ones. This
is needed to form a stable, realistic picture of themselves and anyone else.
 
Narcissists can’t do that, so they tend to sort people into two groups: The
worthy and the unworthy. The worthy are special and deserve special
attention and treatment. The unworthy are the precise opposite. They are
worthless and deserve only what the worthy folk chooses to give them.
 
Object constancy is a person’s ability to maintain a good emotional
connection to someone who has hurt, annoyed, or disappointed them, or is
absent. Without it, one is likely to whip-saw between loving and hating
someone depending on what that person has done or said at the moment and
this is something we see in malignant narcissists.
 
Regarding the lack of emotional empathy, Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., CGP., a
Gestalt therapy trainer and author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid
Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety, suggests that
narcissists have what she calls intellectual empathy, the ability to
intellectually understand that they are harming another but without any
emotional connection to go along with that understanding. They know what
they are doing, that it is harming people, but have no reason to care since
they’re not suffering.
 
In David, we see someone who is extremely self-centered, who lacks
empathy for others, and who desperately needs to protect his self-esteem.
He acts thoughtlessly, refuses to apologize, and if he is cornered, forced to
talk about what he did, he becomes hostile and defensive and tries to turn
the blame on the other person because admitting wrongdoing would force
him to face the truth about himself, which would undermine his fragile self-
esteem.
 
That hostility is an important trait in and of itself. Any time he feels a threat
to his self-esteem, anything that makes him feel bad or vulnerable, he will
look at the other person and see them as responsible for their issue, with
blame often growing into retaliation. More than that, he feels justified in
making such retaliation because he now sees that person as an evil enemy,
with no regard for the positive history he has with them.
 
With all that, David is still in the minor leagues of malignant narcissists.
Let’s take a look at a few people who have graduated to the majors.
 
Famous Narcissists
Because extreme narcissists crave attention and power, they often end up in
the public eye, in politics, religion, or entertainment. You’ve heard of them.
You may even be a fan. Perhaps you voted for one of them. Let’s take a
look at a few of the more famous narcissists.
 

Politics – Donald Trump & Adolph Hitler

Trump has been a public figure for decades and has displayed extreme
narcissistic behavior the entire time. He is the son of a successful real estate
developer and followed in his father’s footsteps. Since then, his grandiose
sense of his own ability, as well as his disregard for the feelings and rights
of others has grown unchecked until now, as president of the United States,
it has taken on new meaning.
 
Trump is notorious for his behavior around women, especially those whom
he feels are somehow beneath him. This has manifested as groping, as in
the case of the woman who stated that when she resisted, he kept asking
her, “don’t you know who I am?” as if simply being Donald Trump was
enough to entitle him to feel her up.
 
Another example of this behavior is that, as the owner of the Miss USA
pageant, he thought nothing of strolling through the dressing room
unannounced while the women were changing, and once had the entire
introduction section of a pageant repeated because the first time around, the
contestants didn’t look him in the eye. In this, we again see his sense of
entitlement as well as his need to be the focus of attention and his utter
disregard for others.
 
Trump also demonstrates a constant need to self-promote, describing
himself and his accomplishments (whether his own or taking credit for
those of others) in superlative terms, while any failures are hidden away,
excused, or blamed on others. This last is important since he is well-known
for attacking anyone who happens to raise his ire, rivals, former associates
that he casts in the role of a betrayer, and particularly critics.
 
To call Trump thin-skinned would be an understatement. He is highly
sensitive to criticism, lashing out with demeaning responses at the smallest
provocation, yet he thinks nothing of criticizing others in deeply hurtful and
insulting ways, as is very clear from his numerous outbursts on Twitter,
such as his recent tweets telling four members of the House of
Representatives to go back where they came from (three of them were born
here in the United States). We can also see it in his constant self-
congratulatory language as if he is trying to reassure himself and convince
the rest of us, that what is saying is right and true.
 
While Trump is a classic example of an extreme narcissist, Adolph Hitler
crossed the line into sociopathic narcissism. The product of troubled and
abusive family life as a child, Hitler grew up as a reactionary who spent his
life seeking revenge for the abuse he suffered, eventually laying blame for
his pain, and by extension, Germany’s pain after World War I, on foreigners
and, in particular, Jews.
 
Like so many whose narcissism is based on childhood abuse, Hitler was
developmentally stuck in childhood and so intent on never feeling
victimized again, he built up a belief in his own superiority and that of the
Aryan race, which he equated with the German people. Had it not been for
the humiliating and debilitating terms of the Treaty of Versailles, which
ended World War I which excessively punished the German people, Hitler
might have wound up as a minor footnote to history.
 
Instead, he saw an opportunity to seize the power he craved, starting a
movement that eventually plunged the world into a war that lasted years,
killed millions, and allowed him to take vengeance on those he blamed for
all the problems in his world: Jews, Gypsies, Homosexuals, the
handicapped, and anyone else who either stood against him or failed to
meet his standards. He was a gifted orator who could hold a crowd by the
power of his rhetoric, turning them to do his will, turning the nation against
his perceived enemies. According to Brunhilde Pomsel, who served as
secretary to propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, “Hitler was a preacher
and told the people that we had been betrayed by our own government and
by the other nations.”
 
As with other dictators and cult leaders, that notion, the idea of betrayal,
was central to Hitler’s view of others. He established the Gestapo
specifically to root out traitors against his Third Reich, and they were
routinely killed if discovered. One might dismiss this as war-time mentality,
but it is very likely that had there been no war, there would still be a
Gestapo. Hitler was trying to remake Germany, and eventually, the whole
world so that it would conform to his personal vision, with the blond-
haired, blue-eyed Aryans at the top, the lesser races underneath, and the
lowest of the low (according to his opinion) eliminated entirely.
 
Hitler, as well as other dictators such as Stalin, Pol Pot, and Kim Jung Il,
shows just how close malignant narcissism is to sociopathy. Sharing many
traits, such as the disregard for the rights and feelings of others, it takes
very little to cross that line, just a gentle push to go from bad to worse.
 

Entertainment – Mariah Carey and Kanye West

Narcissism tends to be strong among celebrities. While they sometimes start
out as narcissists who go into entertainment because they crave the
limelight and all the attention that goes with it, narcissism in entertainers
often develops as they become celebrated for real intrinsic talent and actual
artistic or athletic accomplishments. Normally, this sort of narcissism would
be considered benign, but it becomes malignant when they begin to believe
their own press and start surrounding themselves with people who only
reinforce their sense of superiority and entitlement.
 
There’s a word for that: Diva. It used to refer to a celebrated opera singer,
but now, among other uses, it’s a polite pejorative for a self-absorbed,
narcissistic woman.
 
One of the most famous divas is the pop singer Mariah Carey who started
out as a talented singer, but over the years allowed her narcissism to grow
unchecked until she became well-known for her outrageous diva behavior
as she is for her vocal talent.
 
Like all extreme narcissists, Carey is fixated on control and adulation. She
controls every part of her life and expects those around her to bend a knee
to her at every turn, reacting badly when things don’t go her way.
 
Some examples of her controlling behavior include her refusal to speak
before performances to “preserve her voice,” to be seen under fluorescent
lights without sunglasses, to walk if her feet hurt, and her requiring
assistance to sit or stand so her dress won’t wrinkle. Note that we are
talking about requirements, not needs; demands, not requests. For those in
her orbit, this is Mariah’s world, everyone else is just staff.
 
This brings us to the other major component of her narcissism, her dual
sense of superiority and entitlement. She firmly believes that she deserves
all the extra attention that she demands. One can easily imagine her saying:
“Of course, they should wheel me around when my feet hurt, I’m Mariah
Carey! Don’t they know who I am?”
 
A major component of this thinking is an absolute lack of concern for the
time, needs, or feelings of others. In fact, she often winds up treating the
people who work for her as slaves and those who don’t as irrelevant. When
she is called on her behavior, such as her last-minute refusal to perform one
year at Times Square on New Year’s Eve after a technical issue cropped up,
she does nothing to help the situation and everything she can to shift blame
and come across as a victim.
 
Kanye West is another musician famous for their narcissistic behavior. Like
Donald Trump, he can often be heard talking up his own talent and
intelligence while criticizing others in painful and often bizarre ways. He
sees himself as a great authority, the smartest guy in the room, someone
whose opinion carries a lot of weight.
 
Perhaps the most famous episode of this was during Taylor Swift's
acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. She had won
Best Female Video for her song, “You Belong with Me.” Walking on stage,
West snatched the microphone and said: "Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for
you, I'mma let you finish, but  Beyoncé  had one of the best videos of all
time! One of the best videos of all time!"
 
That was his opinion, and while “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” is a great
song, West’s opinion regarding who should have won was not shared by the
VMA judges. We can debate the merits of their choice, but what is
indisputable is the fact that this was Swift’s moment and Kanye destroyed it
because he felt that his opinion was far more important than her
accomplishment, in effect that he was far more important than her.
 
The audience reaction, booing and heckling him, was met with a shrug as
he gave the microphone back to a humiliated Taylor Swift and left the stage.
He had accomplished what he’d wanted at Taylor Swift’s expense and
didn’t care what anyone thought about it, demonstrating in no uncertain
terms that as far as Kanye West is concerned, the world revolves around
him.
 
West also tends to associate with other narcissists, including Donald Trump,
and married into a family of narcissists, the Kardashians, people who are
famous, not for anything they’ve accomplished, but for simply being who
they are, appearing on reality TV and releasing material on social media,
sometimes very controversial material, simply to increase their reach, their
influence, and their fame.
 

Religion – Jim Jones (The People’s Temple)

Jim Jones was the leader of the People’s Temple, a Christian cult he started
in the United States in the 1960s, later moving to Guyana with his followers
to start Jonestown in the 1970s. It was there, after the murder of
Congressman Leo Ryan and several others who were trying to leave the cult
at Guyana’s Port Kaituma airstrip, that he orchestrated a mass
murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers.
 
Professor Gary Maynard a sociologist at Stony Brook University in Stony
Brook New York has studied Jones, comparing his behavior with the
definition of narcissistic personality disorder found in the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
 
“The first characteristic of narcissism is having a grandiose sense of self-
importance, Jones clearly used his talents of speaking and preaching to
show and display to others his superiority and self-importance. He told Hue
Fortson and others in the group, “If you see me as your savior, I will be
your savior. If you see me as your God, then I’ll be your God” (The Life
and Death of Peoples Temple, PBS).
 
The great majority of people in this world would not say these types of
things or even think them. Jones not only thought about himself in this
manner, but he spoke these things to his followers. Because he was
charming and successful early on, many in the group did not challenge him
on this arrogant behavior, even though most Christians consider pride to be
a deadly sin.”
 
That charm and early success were real. Before the move to Jonestown,
Jones saw himself as a rising political powerbroker in California with
access to politicians like Governor Jerry Brown and San Francisco
Assemblyman Willie Brown, both of whom were very impressed with what
Jones had done with the People’s Temple.
 
Once he and his followers were ensconced in Jonestown, he sat in authority
over everyone and everything, awash in his own delusions of limitless
power in which the laws of man no longer applied to him. “Jones was
father, king, savior, socialist hero, and a god to his followers, or at least that
is what he wanted them to believe. He had recordings of his voice going 24
hours a day with the loudspeakers permeating the whole camp so that even
those working in the fields and sleeping at night could hear him.”
 
Another aspect that Jones shared with other cult leaders is that he
categorized people into two distinct groups: The worthy, who are talented,
powerful, everything the narcissist is, or at least sees themselves to be; and
the unworthy, who are ripe for manipulation, used with no consideration
except for how they might enhance the life of the narcissist. He did his best
before leaving the country to surround himself with the worthy; those
political figures and other powerful people with whom he wanted to be
associated.
 
Being in their company made him look powerful and connected, which then
fed his narcissistic view of himself even further. As for the unworthy,
followers and outsiders alike, he had no empathy or concern for them
beyond what they could do to support him. Jones’ followers were made to
suffer physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, public humiliation, and those
who wanted to leave the group were threatened with death.
 
As for outsiders, they were the enemy, the evil that he and his followers had
to fight for their own salvation if not the good of the world. This is a
common thing among cults, the demonization of the outsider, as it serves to
give the followers something to focus on outside the way they are treated by
the cult’s leader.
 
Jones’ need for feelings of power and importance was so extreme that any
threat to his delusions, whether from disaffected former People’s Temple
members or from outsiders, had to be met with violence. “When he
perceived himself and his followers under attack from outside forces –
disaffected former members, relatives of Jonestown residents, the press and
the government – he threatened retaliation. Ultimately, Jones’ fear that
Congressman Ryan – and the others who would inevitably follow – would
pull the group apart led him to order the shootings at the Port Kaituma
airstrip and the mass murder-suicide in Jonestown.”
 
Are All Narcissists Bad?
After reading some of the stories above, one might think so, but in truth, the
short answer is “no.” Narcissists run the gamut from those who don’t
understand why they do, say, and feel the things they do, people who really
want to be good to those in their lives, all the way to people who simply
don’t give a damn who they harm or how they do it. Like the rest of us,
most people fall between the extremes. The “good” narcissists tend to view
their narcissism as a handicap that distorts the way they see their
relationships. The “bad” ones will just go with it. The question for those
who have to deal with them, is do they have a “good” narcissist on their
hands, or a “bad” one?
 
Benign Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality
Disorder
Believe it or not, if you have a narcissist in your life, it can actually be
tricky to determine where they fall on the spectrum. On the one hand, their
narcissism can be benign in so far as their pride, even arrogance comes
from some real accomplishment. On the other, it can also be malignant in
those who see themselves as special or superior for no other reason than
they need to believe it’s true and will do whatever it takes to make sure that
delusion is not broken.
 
Or perhaps you’ve been told that you are narcissistic, but you just don’t see
yourself in any of the examples above. Let’s take a moment to find out. Ask
yourself the following questions, and be honest:
Can you pass a mirror without looking at yourself?
Narcissists tend to look at themselves in every mirror they pass.
How much time and money do you spend on grooming? The
more you spend on your appearance, the more likely you are to
be a narcissist.
Are you addicted to selfies? Narcissists tend to fill their phones
with selfies, especially ones that show off their bodies.
Do you post your every move on social media? It’s narcissistic
to think the world needs or even wants to know what you eat,
what you are wearing, where you went shopping, what you just
downloaded, etc. Trust me, we don’t care.
Are you obsessed with social media “likes”, “shares”, etc.? If
it really matters to you that people like your most recent picture
 of you in another new pair of shoes, you might be a narcissist.
Do you irritate or disregard the rights or needs of others, but
you don’t notice or care? If that describes you, you’re a
narcissist.
Do you deserve special treatment? An overweening sense of
entitlement without something real to back it up is a sure sign of
narcissism.
Do you feel that the people in your life are reflections of you?
If you’re obsessed with how people will see you based on the
appearance, words, or actions of your friends and family, you are
a narcissist.
Do you see everyone in your life as a potential rival? If you
distrust those close to you, can’t easily their successes or need to
strike back when they outperform or annoy you, you’re
exhibiting a highly narcissistic trait.
Are your verbal or written statements egocentric? In other
words, does it all come back to you? If so, you’re acting like a
narcissist.
Are you someone who can dish it out, but cannot take it? If
you feel that you can criticize others, but become hurt and angry
when someone criticizes you, that is a narcissistic trait.
 
So, how did you score? Remember, just because some of these traits apply
to you, that doesn’t mean you are on the road to becoming some malignant,
narcissistic abuser and it doesn’t mean you necessarily have a narcissistic
personality disorder.
 
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
(DSM-IV-TR), a narcissistic personality disorder is a “pervasive pattern of
grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of
empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of
contexts.” A diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder can be made if
five or more of the following are present:
A grandiose sense of self-importance. The narcissist
exaggerates their achievements and talents and expects others to
recognize them as superior without anything to support that
belief.
A preoccupation with fantasy ideals. The narcissist’s fantasies
revolve around unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or
ideal love.
A belief that they are special. Narcissists believe that they have
some unique and intrinsic quality apart from others, and often
that they can only be understood by, or should associate with,
other special or high-status people (or institutions).
A need for admiration. For the narcissist, excessive admiration
is necessary since it supports the mythology that they have
developed.
A sense of entitlement. The narcissist harbors unreasonable
expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance
with their wishes and expectations.
A tendency toward interpersonal exploitation. The narcissist
tends to take advantage of others in order to achieve his or her
own ends.
A lack of empathy. The narcissist is unwilling to recognize or
identify with the feelings and needs of others.
 A sense of envy. The narcissist tends to be envious of others
and/or believes others are envious of them.
An arrogant pattern of behavior. The narcissist tends toward
behavior and/or attitudes that are arrogant, domineering, and
contemptuous.
 
Will someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder automatically
become an abuser? No. As stated earlier, they fall somewhere on a spectrum
of behavior. However, as the examples above demonstrate, narcissists that
meet these criteria are quite capable of extreme abuse. This can lead to what
is called narcissistic abuse syndrome in the people close to them, including
family members, spouses, lovers, employees, and coworkers.
 
Other Ways to Identify a Narcissist
While the list of traits found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) is comprehensive, there are other ways of
telling whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist simply by the way
they interact with you.
 

Listen to Their Stories

One of the ways we open up to the people in our lives is through the telling
of stories. We share our adventures in love and business, the tales of our
childhood, our parents, trips taken, and our college days, all the things that
had a deep impact on who we are and who we strive to be. These stories
help to establish intimacy. While it’s not unusual to want to emphasize the
positive in all of these stories, when a narcissist tells their stories, they take
on a different and often telling caste.
 
The hallmark of true intimacy is honesty. Without it, intimacy is false
because you don’t really know who you are with. When normal people tell
their stories, even though there is a tendency to want to look good in the
stories they are essentially honest portrayals of what happened. In fact, the
inclusion of some of the more embarrassing aspects of the story shows a
desirable level of honesty and helps to establish trust because we don’t
seem to be hiding anything.
 
As you might imagine, the way a narcissist tells their stories is a little
different. They actually curate their stories to establish a cohesive picture of
who they want you to think they are. They do this, not to fool you per se,
but rather because they need to believe in their own exceptionalism and
want you to believe it, too.
 
One extreme example in narcissistic storytelling has to do with the late
North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il. It is said that on the day of his birth, a
double rainbow and a new star appeared in the heavens over North Korea’s
sacred Baekdu Mountain to herald the blessed event, that he was walking at
three weeks, and talking at eight weeks.
 
While in college, over a three-year period, he wrote 1,500 books and six
full operas which, according to his official biography, are better than any in
the entire history of music. In the arena of sports, it is said that the first time
he picked up a golf club, he shot a 38-under par, including eleven holes-in-
one. After that, having mastered the game, he retired from it forever.
Through it all, it was said that he never once defecated.
 
While you are unlikely to date a North Korean dictator, at least any time
soon, you can easily run into the garden variety narcissist right in your
hometown and while you can get them to admit to relieving themselves,
they are likely to deny it stinks. Here are some of the things you should
look for:
A Dearth Nuance. Nuance doesn’t work for narcissists. The
shades of grey that the rest of us dwell within simply doesn’t
exist for them. Look for stark, black and white, good and evil, us
versus them thinking, especially when talking about issues with
other people.
Of Pride and Prejudice. The stories of narcissists are designed
to accomplish one of two things, either to impress you with
grand accomplishments or amazing qualities or to elicit pity
from you with talk of how others have done them wrong. Either
way, if you are not onto the game, they will be convincing, and
they will get the reaction your narcissist is looking for. If you are
onto them, however, you will be able to see these tales in terms
of their intended effect, taking them with either a grain or a pillar
of salt as necessary.
A Blessed Childhood. While they probably won’t claim that the
heavens heralded their birth, you will get the idea that theirs was
the ideal childhood, filled with love, privilege, accomplishment,
and reward. While people can have good, even great experiences
in childhood, no one has a perfect childhood. This is often used
to cover, from themselves and you, the real nature of the
childhood and the damage they took from it.
The Perfect Hero. This theme of perfection continues into their
adult life and dealings. To hear them tell it, they have never
made any mistakes, never done anyone wrong, and yet their own
plans are sometimes frustrated by people who are jealous or
biased or one of any number of other reasons. This fits in with
their penchant for black and white thinking and indicates their
inability to take responsibility for their own mistakes as well as
their tendency to blame others for everything.
The Judge. Another theme you will often hear is judgment.
While minimizing or ignoring their own flaws, the narcissist has
no trouble pointing out and commenting, often mercilessly, on
the flaws of others. Again, this kind of black and white thinking
 shows the narcissistic tendency to raise themselves up by
pushing others down, and since it often comes while recounting
the evils done to them by others, you might be tempted to take
them at their word, which is what they want, and precisely what
you should not do.
Unlucky in Love. One trope that will come up in their stories
involves the people who have done them wrong. If they’ve done
“everything” to please their partner time and again, yet every
time the relationship went bad because “nothing was good
enough,” that is a big red flag. This kind of story is meant to stir
up your pity but pay attention to the way they speak about their
exes. It’s likely that one day they will speak that way about you.
 
You may be wondering by now if the narcissist is even capable of telling
the truth. After all, they portray their side of everything as the absolute
truth. The sad thing is that often they believe everything they are telling
you. Their sense of reality is so distorted by their need to protect their weak
self-identity, to cover up their own wounds, that they have to believe their
own press, a fact that will become crystal clear the first time you disagree
with them and they tell you flatly that what happened, what they did or
what they said, never happened. Again, the lie may not be to deceive you as
much as it is to maintain the necessary narrative.
 

Just Ask
Experiments done by researchers at Ohio State University have shown that
they can identify narcissists with one question: To what extent do you agree
with this statement: “I am a narcissist.” (Note: The word “narcissist” means
egotistical, self-focused, and vain.)
 
In the experiments, which took place in 2014 and involved 2,200 people of
both sexes and various ages, those who answered that they agreed with the
statement also showed as narcissistic on other validated tests, including the
Narcissistic Personality Inventory. The researchers, led by Dr. Brad
Bushman, discovered that “People who are narcissists are almost proud of
the fact. You can ask them directly because they don’t see narcissism as a
negative quality — they believe they are superior to other people and are
fine with saying that publicly.”
 Chapter 2: How Narcissists Work
 

 
Narcissists project a strong, over-confident, and selfish image that can
easily get out of hand. As we’ve mentioned, this façade or mask shields a
very weak and vulnerable sense of self. This is malignant narcissism, the
sort that leads to misery when the narcissist cannot get their way, or when
challenged in a way the forces them to look at their own weaknesses. To
prevent that, the malignant narcissist will go to great lengths and sometimes
do some outrageous things.
 
They’ll come off as know-it-alls who are above the rules. They’ll project an
image of great superiority and imply that everyone else is somehow beneath
them. They win favor very easily at first, then that wears off once their lack
of empathy is seen. That’s what this chapter is about, some of the more
common things you can expect from a malignant narcissist.
 
Nature or Nurture
Research indicates that narcissism is something programmed into people,
not something with which they are born. According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-
White, “It’s one of those by-products of consistent pre-verbal interactions
that can shape our adult lives.”
 
During infancy, we have a totally devoted caregiver who treats us as the
center of the world, making us feel as though we are all-powerful and can
do anything we like. Under normal circumstances, as we mature, we begin
to understand that we are separate from our caregiver, losing these notions
and establishing trust as we learn that our caregivers are different people,
establishing boundaries and eventually experiencing push-back to our
demands and actions. By this process, we establish a healthy ego and begin
to take steps toward realistic and mutually rewarding adult relationships.
 
Narcissists don’t experience this maturation. This is usually when the
caregiver cannot cope with the responsibility of completely caring for
another person. They don’t develop trust in their caregivers and never
manage to learn that they are not all-powerful and that they cannot control
others. Instead, they tend to remain stuck in their infantile belief that they
are the center of everything and will manipulate the people around them to
remain at the center.
 
Manipulation
When dealing with a narcissist, you have to expect at least some level of
manipulation. They are attention addicts who are intent on protecting their
vulnerable inner self, which translates into pushing or cajoling the people
around them to pay the narcissist the attention they crave, to live up to their
vision, and most of all, to refrain from doing anything that might force them
to admit that their vainglorious image of themselves is wrong.
 
It really doesn’t matter to them if the people they manipulate suffer from it.
Their attitude is simply that you can’t make an omelet without breaking
some eggs. If the person they are manipulating pushes back, stands up to
the manipulation, and makes the narcissist face their own ugly behavior, the
reaction is usually violent, not necessarily physically, but intense and often
vicious. They may slander the person, blame them for the narcissist’s own
actions, or demean them, whatever it takes to cow them into silence.
 
The manipulation tactics used by the narcissist are many and varied. Some
can be quite pleasant, others are subtle, the rest awful. They may be used
alone or in combination and will be changed as needed for the narcissist to
achieve their goals. We’ve divided these techniques into three categories
based on how the subject is made to feel: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
 
The (not so) Good
Love-bombing Their Partner. The victim has never felt so
loved in their life. The narcissist will do this to hook their victim
and reel them in quickly. The narcissist doesn’t want to give
 them a chance to reflect, to look closely at what is happening, or
to ask a lot of questions.
Idealizing Their Partner. They build up a fantasy ideal of their
victim and treat them as if they actually live up to that fantasy.
Like love bombing, this can be quite pleasant for the victim until
the narcissist turns on them, which will happen once the reality
of a relationship sets in and they begin to see things about their
partner that they want to change or eliminate.
Subtle Flattery. Like idealization, this early-stage tactic opens
the door to other things by making the partner feel good about
themselves and about the narcissist, good enough for them to
allow the narcissist greater access into their life.
Mirroring Their Partner. The interest and attention usually die
away once the narcissist attains the love of their love object, but
in the beginning, they are avid in studying their partner’s tastes,
values, and beliefs in order to mirror those traits back at them
with the goal of making them think they found their perfect
match.
 
The Bad
The Victim Play. The narcissist deliberately plays the victim to
arouse the sympathy of the person being manipulated, often
throwing the pity party of the century in order to get them to do
something.
The Obligation Game. The Narcissist’s penchant for tit-for-tat
and their ability to play upon our sense of fairness comes to the
fore as they do something nice in order to obligate someone to
do something for them, sometimes against the self-interest of the
other person.
Making Excuses. Slightly different from the narcissist’s victim
play, here they are trying to excuse or justify their behavior by
deflecting the blame and arousing the pity of the abused party.
“If I had only received the money I’m due,” or “If you had just
kept your promise not to…,” the excuses always leave the
narcissist as the victim.
Lowered Expectations. In any relationship, the last thing a
narcissist wants is expectations from their partner. By lowering
those expectations, a gradual process of diminishing returns in
which the partner gets used to receiving less and less from the
narcissist, they end up expecting little or nothing at all while the
narcissist continues to extract what they want from the
relationship.
Playing on Hope. By itself, lowering expectations is a sure-fire
way to kill a relationship with anyone. Eventually, they realize
there is no point to it and move on. Since the narcissist is
drawing a kind of sustenance from their partner, that is really the
last thing they want. So, like any good parasite, they have to
balance feeding off their host without killing them. To do this,
the narcissist will occasionally turn on the charm and be
everything their partner wants to erode their defenses and give
them something to hang onto when the narcissist’s normal
behavior reemerges.
The Silent Treatment. The narcissist doesn’t always get their
way. Their partner may do or say something that dings their
defenses. They may even have simply refused a demand. The
 reaction is rage. Sometimes, that comes out verbally or
physically, and sometimes, it’s expressed when the narcissist
stops interacting with their partner. This is a kind of bullying
behavior that is meant to sow the seeds of doubt and uncertainty
in the mind of the partner. The idea is to keep them guessing and
anxious about what will come next.
Word Games. The narcissist plays with their partner’s sense of
reality. On the extreme end of the spectrum, this takes the form
of gaslighting, which we will deal with below. On the more
benign end, they use words to confuse, belittle and degrade their
victim, often claiming that they are “joking” or that they
“misspoke.”
 
The Ugly
Devaluation. The narcissist’s word games can be used to
undermine their partner’s self-esteem. They do this by
purposefully saying, or not saying, and doing, or not doing,
things that make the victim feel worthless. Nothing could be
taken as a joke or as a mistake, this behavior is overt and
personal, from pointedly ignoring some accomplishment to
questioning their taste in clothes to comparing them unfavorably
to others. In addition to making the narcissist feel better about
themselves, the point is to force their partner to feel as if they
don’t deserve better treatment.
Deny Everything and Demand Proof. When the victim
confronts the narcissist about their behavior, the usual response
is denial and demands for proof, which will then be twisted to
either excuse the behavior or turn the blame for everything back
onto the victim (see Gaslight is More than Just a Movie below).
The Triangulation Game. Here, the narcissist introduces other
people into the relationship specifically to upset the victim and
arouse their jealousy in a bid to assert control. This could be
someone that the narcissist uses as an example to belittle their
partner, or someone who supports or even helps the narcissist
(see Beware the Flying Monkey below).
Creating Guilt. Like the stereotypical Jewish mother, the
narcissist will weaponize guilt. The idea is to deflect blame for
their behavior and break down resistance by making the partner
feel as though the problems between themselves and the
narcissist is their fault, which makes them vulnerable and more
willing to agree to the narcissist’s unreasonable demands.
Bullying. Sometimes, in the face of blowback or defiance, or if
their precious defenses have been breached, the narcissist will
become aggressive, intimidating, perhaps even violent. This is
done as much to punish their partner as to leave them anxious
and fearful in order to get them to do what the narcissist wants
them to do.
Slander. Along with the bullying, under certain circumstances,
the narcissist will also begin a smear campaign against their
partner. By reaching out to others, usually close friends and
family, they hope to convince these people that something is
wrong with their partner and that any problems are their fault.
Systematic Targeting. This is a rather general tactic that goes
along with bullying, word games and other forms of attack. The
narcissist systematically seeks out and then specifically target the
victim’s real or perceived flaws and insecurities. This is done to
undermine their self-esteem and keep them off balance and
unable to respond.
Pure Deceit. While normal people tend to tell the truth most of
the time, narcissists have no problem lying when it suits them.
They will lie by making something up, by leaving out important
details, or by being vague about what they are asserting. Now,
while it is likely that the narcissist actually believes the lies, they
also do it to get an advantage over their partner or the people
they are otherwise involved with, to protect themselves, or to
cover something up.
Projecting Negativity. This is another deflection tactic. When
the narcissist does this, they are pushing any negative thoughts,
emotions they might have, or anything negative that they might
have done or are doing onto their partner. This goes hand-in-
glove with Creating Guilt.
Shifting Standards. A gaslighting tactic (see below), this is
another way for the narcissist to maintain control over the
victim. By “moving the goalposts” in this way, the narcissist
seeks to confuse and humiliate their victim, often to the point of
inducing depression, apathy, and other psychological problems
in the victim.
Harsh Judgement. When listening to the narcissist’s stories
about other people, including their past relationships, their
partner heard a lot of harsh judgment against those people. At
the time, they were likely moved to pity by the tale, unaware that
this facet of the narcissist’s personality would one day be aimed
at them. This is one of the more common ways the narcissist
 makes the victim feel inadequate because it fits in with their
sense of superiority. They constantly complain about what they
think is wrong with the victim, implying that they are sub-par
and that they could be better if they only tried.
 
These are among the more common tactics that narcissists use to get under
the skin of their victim, but two more deserve a little more explanation:
Gaslighting and the Flying Monkey.
 
Gaslight Is More Than Just a Movie
In 1944, Ingrid Bergman starred in the movie adaptation of the play,
Gaslight. She played a woman whose husband was trying to convince her
that she is insane by manipulating things in the house and denying that
anything has changed when she asks. The name Gaslight comes from the
way he would slowly dim the gas lights in the house while insisting to her
that nothing had changed.
 
Since then, it has come to mean manipulating a person’s perception of
reality, making them second-guess their choices and even their sanity, all to
increase their dependence on their abuser, who is really seeking full control
of their victim. Abusive narcissists who gaslight their victims use a variety
of techniques, but the most common are:
Information control to maintain the narrative that the narcissist
wants to promote. This includes:
Withholding information
Trivializing information
Twisting information
Undermining the Victim, which includes:
Verbal abuse, which can be subtle or overt and often
comes in the form of jokes and back-handed
compliments
Diminishing the victim’s self-esteem
Impairing the victim’s physicality and mental
processes
Impeding and distorting any attention the victim might
get from others
 
Some of the things you are likely to hear if your narcissist is trying to
gaslight you are:
You’re just insecure/jealous. When you hear that, they’re
telling you that the issue is not their behavior, not their
flirtations, affairs, sexting, or other infidelities, it is your faulty
interpretation of their behavior, so get it together and stop
bothering them about it.
You’re too sensitive/overreacting. The rough translation here is
“I really don’t care. I did it, I’ll do it again, and if you complain,
I’ll make you pay.” Doing this will make the narcissist’s partner
doubt the severity of their abuse, undermining their perception of
what’s been happening to them.
You’re nuts/insane/delusional. This is the dark side of “playing
doctor.” Here, your narcissist is saying that your perception of
what they’ve done to you is not only wrong, it’s delusional, no
doubt from some deep, underlying mental illness you’ve been
hiding all this time, and I will tell you exactly what that is. By
convincing you that you are delusional, they can continue to
avoid any responsibility for their own actions.
You can’t take a joke. Your narcissist is telling you that calling
you something horrible and demeaning is really no different
from harmless teasing and that you lack the wit or even the
intelligence to understand that. Again, this undermines your
perception of what is really going on in your relationship.
You’re harboring something that’s in the past. The message
here is that “you’re nursing an old wound that is your own fault
anyway and you need to get past it so I can move on to what I
 want to do next.” By doing this, the narcissist trivializes the pain
their partner suffered and tries to mask the truly cyclical nature
of the abuse.
 
If you see any of the abuses cited above in your own relationships, either as
the victim or the abuser, you will want to take a closer look at your situation
and those involved and make some changes before it goes too far.
 
Beware the Flying Monkey
Just because someone’s a narcissist, that doesn’t mean they have to act
alone. Called “Flying Monkeys” by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC after
the creatures dispatched by the Wicked Witch to go after Dorothy. Obeying
without question, they do her bidding.
 
It works the same way with narcissists, and even more so with sociopaths
and psychopaths. After all, by sending a loyal henchman out to take care of
the dirty work, they can at least appear to have clean hands.
 
You’ve seen this in action, though you may not realize it. How many times
have you seen some spokesman for a narcissistic entertainer, politician, or
CEO coming forward to make their boss look good after some scandal?
What was Michael Cohen when he was helping to cover up Donald
Trump’s affair with Stormy Daniels? These are all examples of flying
monkeys.
 
The question is, given the often-public floggings they risk by carrying out
their narcissist’s orders or covering up their actions, why do they do it?
Because there is a pay-off for both parties, at least for a while. According to
Hammond, these flying monkeys often have their own psychological
disorder, and that allows for each to feed on their relationship in some way.
The list includes:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  As long as they can garner
power, influence, money, prestige, or some other benefit, the
partnership works. Once those benefits are lost, or a greater
benefit is offered, the narcissistic flying monkey flies away and
could even turn on their former idol. Cohen is a good example of
this in that he turned on Trump when it benefitted him more to
do so.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  In this case, the constant
anxiety of the flying monkey is attracted to the arrogance of the
narcissist, but it lasts only until the anxiety eases.
Co-dependents. The co-dependent feeds on the narcissist’s need
to be served and adored. The narcissist feeds on the co-
dependent’s quest for purpose and satisfaction by way of taking
care of others. Of course, once the co-dependent recovers and
turns from their people-pleasing ways, the disappointed
narcissist will leave.
Addicts. Just like a drug pusher on the street can make their
addicted clientele do anything for the next fix, if the narcissist is
the one supporting the addiction, the addict will slavishly do or
say whatever will keep them on good terms with their supplier.
This relationship ends one of two ways: The addict gets clean
and no longer needs what the narcissist provides, or the addiction
worsens, and the narcissist cuts them off because they get too
needy.
Dependent Personality Disorder. The narcissist loves this one
because the dependent makes them feel so superior because in
addition to obedience they either include the narcissist in every
decision they make or leave the decision entirely up to the
narcissist. These relationships rarely if ever end.
Sociopaths. Here, the narcissist is useful to the Sociopath, who
will use the outrageous behavior of the narcissist to veil their
 own nefarious deeds, orchestrating everything while allowing
the narcissist to think they are the one running the show. These
relationships tend to end when circumstances change, and it
benefits the sociopath to get rid of the narcissist.
 
The Uses of Anger
Anger. It can manifest naturally when the narcissist is disappointed, much
like the tantrum of a spoiled child; but it usually shows up when the victim
claps back at them and either threatens to expose the frightened little child
that lays at their core or worse, actually do expose it. It can also be used as a
carefully orchestrated way to intimidate their victims into compliance.
 
When it comes to anger, there are two types of narcissists we need to
consider. The Grandiose narcissist, with their inflated ego and sense of
entitlement, and the Vulnerable narcissist, who is covering up their
inadequacies.
 

You Can’t Always Get What You Want (But You Get
What You Need)
Under normal circumstances, when we are disappointed in something, we
either tackle the problem (Problem-focused Coping) or we deal with our
emotions (emotion-focused Coping). Either way, we cope with the
disappointment, put into some perspective, and move on. That, however, is
not necessarily how narcissists react.
 
It would be easy to say that the typical malignant narcissist’s reaction is
rage, especially at those they believe have managed to block their plans. It
is an emotion-focused coping mechanism that might make the narcissist
feel better for a while, but it doesn’t solve anything, and it alienates the
people who have to deal with the narcissist and may, actually, be able to
help the situation. That said, it is a tad more complex than that. Studies have
shown that grandiose narcissists and vulnerable narcissists deal with
disappointment differently.
 
The grandiose variety, with their over-inflated egos and heightened self-
esteem, cope with disappointment better, adapting to changing situations in
ways that vulnerable narcissists, with so much of their energy going to
covering up their own sense of inferiority and low self-esteem, simply
cannot.
 

Protecting the Ego

When self-esteem is threatened, which type is likely to react aggressively?
On that question, studies show that it’s the vulnerable type, with its wide
array of resentments and defensiveness, is by far the more aggressive of the
two.
 
In the studies, grandiose narcissists, while they tend to exploit other people,
are not inclined to be violent or aggressive. On the other hand, vulnerable
narcissists, who have an underlying defensiveness and resentment, are more
likely to react violently when their self-esteem is threatened.
 
Those whose narcissism reflects a feeling of self-importance tend to exploit
other people, but they are not inclined to act aggressively or violently
toward others. 
 
Those whose narcissism reflects feelings of defensiveness and resentment
feel shame when their self-esteem is threatened and tend to react to those
threats with anger and aggression.
 
All You Need is Love
That’s what the song says, and even the most malignant of narcissists will
agree with it, but do they really? An even more important question is
whether they can feel the kind of love for their family and spouses that
normal people feel, especially given the confusion that partners of these
people feel like the feelings that the narcissist expresses vacillates between
love and hate, appreciation and disdain.
 

The Honeymoon Period

While dating, the narcissist will show a great deal of passion, energy, and
engagement, and they are likely to do things to win over their love interest’s
heart and mind. They can be generous. Filled with flattery, romance, sex,
and promises of commitment, they can sweep their partners clean off their
feet.
 
This passion, however outwardly focused it might seem, is really an
expression of the narcissist’s selfishness, directed at their own fantasies,
projections, and expectations of the partner and the relationship, not the
reality. This, in turn, provides the kind of attention and satisfaction that the
narcissist craves.
 

When the Honeymoon Ends

Because narcissists tend to be pragmatic in the way they see relationships,
they tend to focus on their own goals rather than their partner or the
relationship. That doesn’t mean that they don’t form a connection with their
partner, it’s just that any such connection is based more on friendship and
shared interests. With no motivation to continue the romantic façade, the
narcissist turns cold, supporting their partner’s needs and desires when it’s
convenient and ignoring them when it’s not. They also begin to criticize
their partner and get angry when challenged or don’t get their way. This
process devalues their partner and soon the narcissist has to look elsewhere
for an ego-boost.
 
Given that narcissists tend to see relationships in pragmatic and
transactional ways, or as conquests rather than relationships at all, this
pattern of behavior shouldn’t come as a surprise. Nor should it surprise
anyone to learn that the narcissist has a great deal of trouble sustaining the
relationship they worked so hard to get. In relationships, intimacy and
vulnerability are necessary to keep the relationship healthy, but narcissists
tend to value power over intimacy, and they have a visceral hate for
vulnerability.
 
These relationships, when they do end, leave the partner confused, hurt, and
feeling betrayed, but the narcissist feels better because they can begin the
chase again with someone new and their carefully hidden and shielded
weaknesses have not yet been discovered.
 

Good at Romance – Bad at Love

Narcissists can do romance, that’s well established. They can love-bomb
with the best of them, but once you get past all that, love is a union between
two people that, according to Erich Fromm’s 1945 work, The Art of Loving,
entails effort to develop knowledge, responsibility, and commitment. “We
must be motivated to know another’s wants, needs, and feelings and
provide encouragement and support.
 
We take pleasure in their happiness and try not to hurt them.” That means
caring, which requires empathy, and that is a quality that narcissists sorely
lack. As a result, their ability to react appropriately to their partner is
significantly impaired. In fact, because of their nature, narcissists have
trouble with a number of things that go into loving someone.
They see people as extensions of themselves, not as separate
beings with their own needs and desires.
They don’t recognize the extent to which they lack emotional
empathy
Their defense mechanisms distort their perceptions and
interactions with others in order to preserve their illusion of
perfection and superiority.
 
Do these traits mean that the narcissist is incapable of that deep, emotional
connection that we call love? Essentially, yes.
 
The love of a narcissist is intellectual rather than emotional, as is their
empathy. In other words, they can understand what these feelings are in
others, but they don’t seem to experience them for themselves. As a result,
their love will always be conditional, based on the impact of the
relationship to the narcissist, which is hardly ideal for their partners.
 Chapter 3: Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
 

 
As we saw in Chapter One, while not all narcissism rises to the level of a
disorder, and not everyone with a narcissistic personality disorder is
abusive, there are those malignant narcissists who, on an interpersonal
level, are highly abusive.
 
The primary objective for the narcissist is power. This isn’t accidental, the
abuse is intentional, and the goal is domination. Remember, they will do
what they need to do to feel superior to others, especially those with whom
they have some relationship, in order to further shield their own feelings of
inferiority.
 
On the playground, they were the bullies trying to raise their own authority
and status by pushing others down to avoid looking weak and afraid. For
the narcissist, that hasn’t changed in all the years since the playground. The
only difference is the size of the targets and the sophistication of the abuse.
Let’s see how it plays out within a relationship.
 
A Three-Stage Pattern of Abuse
According to Doctor Greenberg, narcissistic relationships tend to follow a
three-stage pattern of abuse, beginning with what she calls “Chasing the
Unicorn.” In this stage, the narcissist sees the object of his love as the
perfect mate and will do anything to have them. This could also be called
“love bombing,” as it is similar to the tactic used by some cults to draw in
new members. While it’s intoxicating, because it’s filled with love notes,
gifts, compliments and any other gesture they can think of to win over the
object of their desire, the over-the-top nature of the chase, the way they
idolize their love interest, their tendency to jump into a relationship right
away, and the fact that their previous relationships were all disappointments
are warning signs that the suitor is not being realistic.
 
They don’t see the real person, but rather an idealized reflection that the
original would be hard-pressed to live up to, and the pattern of
disappointing relationships says far more about the narcissist than about the
people with whom they were involved. They will often complain that their
former lovers had changed, which really means that they didn’t live up to
the idealized fantasy and the new relationship will likely go the same way.
 
At this stage, the abuse comes when, after they finally succeed in winning
over the other person, they lose interest. That leaves the now scorned lover
confused, disappointed, possibly even feeling used and abandoned.
 
Greenberg refers to the second stage as the “Construction Project.”
Remember how idealized the love interest was during the first stage? In this
stage, that idealism is beginning to wear off. The narcissist has won over
the person and now reality begins to set in. They start to notice differences
between their ideal and the real person and begin to look for ways to “fix”
them.
 
The narcissist will often offer suggestions and ideas for things they’d like to
see changed, like hair, clothing, exercise, personal habits, job, or any
number of other things. The abuse aspect of this stage usually begins when
the narcissist starts hearing the word, “no.”
 
Now he’s disappointed (remember all those other disappointing
relationships?), and with a narcissist that can be a very difficult thing
because they don’t react to disappointment the way others do. Normal
disappointment tends to be marked by an acceptance that the other person
either doesn’t want to make the change or cannot make the change. Either
way, we recognize that the other person has a right to be themselves and we
can love and accept them as they are.
 
That’s not the way the narcissist sees it, which brings us to the third stage:
“Devaluation.” Narcissists take the sort of disappointment that the rest of us
would get over quite personally. They take the refusal as an insult, a
criticism that they cannot tolerate rather than an assertion of the other
party’s right to be who they are.
 
This leads to anger, fights, and emotional abuse as the narcissist begins to
devalue the other person in various ways. By now, friendly suggestions
have turned to blunt criticism, but as this devaluation process progresses,
that blunt criticism becomes increasingly insulting and demeaning. Even
worse, what had once been said behind closed doors goes public, usually in
front of family and friends.
 
This pattern of growing hostility and verbal abuse continues to grow until it
becomes the primary way the narcissist interacts with their partner. Cruelty
becomes the norm, fighting escalates, and physical abuse becomes a real
possibility.
 
Anyone can suffer from narcissistic abuse syndrome. Women, men, adults,
children, young, old, it doesn’t matter. Nor does it matter how smart you
are, how “grounded” you think you are, or how well you think you can
“read” people. Why? Because narcissists are masters of deceit and
manipulation, anyone can be made a victim and suffer abuse at their hands.
Those that do are likely to develop some level of Narcissistic Abuse
Syndrome.
 
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
In any abusive relationship, it’s not unusual for the victim to suffer fear and
anxiety over the relationship, what the narcissist is doing, and what they
could have done differently. The victim might start believing that they are
the cause of the trouble and even suffer from mood swings and a
deterioration of their self-image and self-esteem, all the while being unable
to break away. These are the hallmarks of narcissistic abuse syndrome,
which is a type of post-traumatic stress disorder.
Intense Loneliness. Sure, the narcissist is there with you, in the
house, in your bed, but you still feel utterly alone. They are with
you, and yet you feel abandoned and completely disconnected.
They don’t seem interested in spending time with you, learning
about you, or even making you feel safe. When you interact with
the narcissist, you feel frustrated, as if they don’t hear you, and
they simply want to use you as a tool.
Feelings of Inadequacy. The narcissist will go out of their way
to make you feel like a loser, no matter how successful you’ve
been, how intelligent, kind, creative, even good-looking you are.
It doesn’t matter what it is, the narcissist will pointedly pay no
attention, and if they do, their response is a mockery. It’s a very
effective tactic, and victims are sometimes too broken to carry
on and lose everything from families to careers to finances and
homes.
The Relationship Engulfs You. You find that your relationship
with the narcissist completely consumes your world from the
barrage of calls, texts, and emails, the displays of excessive
jealousy, the wedge placed between you and your friends and
family, even demands placed on how you dress, style your hair
or eat. As if that’s not bad enough, you find yourself in a
constant state of anxiety, fearful of accidentally setting off the
narcissist. This leads to constant second-guessing, but you never
really know what will do it, and that leaves you drowning in
feelings of hopelessness.
Your Personal Integrity and Values are Compromised. You
no longer stand up for what you believe in. Instead, you’ve
stopped doing things that made you feel good, like donating time
and money to worthy causes, or you’ve started to tolerate or
even take part in activities that would have once been deal-
breakers for you. Why? Because this is what your narcissist
wants, and you want to show them how much you love them,
hoping that it will turn them around and they’ll treat you the way
they did when you were first together. If you have to turn away
from things and people who are important to you in order to
prove your love to someone, that’s abusive.
Name-Calling. Like bullying, name-calling isn’t confined to the
schoolyard. Narcissists use it to demean you and undermine your
self-esteem. It will erupt during fights, but the narcissist will
other times as well and claim they were only joking or that you
are being too sensitive. These names are used intentionally to
hurt you and undermine your confidence. There is no excuse for
this sort of abuse under any circumstances, regardless of the
excuses they use to try to cover themselves.
Constant Cycles of Pain and Joy. Here, the narcissist takes you
through repeated cycles of pain and relief. The pain inflicted
could be through insult and intimidation, the silent treatment,
 even some level of violence, while the relief gives you a glimpse
of the romantic that first swept you off your feet. This is a
particularly cruel form of punishment in that it keeps you off-
balance and anxious, never knowing which version of your
narcissist you’ll be dealing with and puts you through hell just to
get a little glimmer of happiness. It is also the main feature of
trauma bonding, which we will discuss next.
 
Trauma Bonding with a Narcissist
The term simply means that two people have bonded due to some kind
adversity. It can happen in a positive way, such as friends sharing a
traumatic experience like the death of a loved one and growing closer as a
result. With a narcissist, however, the bonding develops through the
constant cycle of ruin and rescue, the abuse and the making up, cementing
the relationship and emotionally chaining the abused with their abuser and
altering the way they perceive intimacy.
 
This is referred to as intermittent reinforcement. In an abusive relationship,
the abuser will randomly mix moments where they show great affection in
with their usual abusive behavior. For example, a narcissistically abusive
man might buy jewelry for the girlfriend he just humiliated at a family
gathering. It gets the victim hooked on looking for those crumbs of love and
hoping for a return to the long-gone honeymoon period of the relationship.
 
For the victim, trauma bonding manifests by opening up to and becoming
vulnerable for, the narcissist in a way that, if they were to see a friend doing
it, they would recognize as toxic.
 
For the victim, however, it feels like a whole new level of intimacy and it
feels good, at least at first, so much so that other relationships pale in
comparison. Eventually, however, this so-called new level of intimacy
proves to be false. It’s not intimacy at all, in fact. It’s co-dependence, and
for people involved with an abusive narcissist, that can be dangerous.
 
Signs of Trauma Bonding
If you are in a relationship with an abusive narcissist and cannot seem to get
out of it, you might be suffering the effects of trauma bonding. Do any of
the following apply to you?
Difficulties relating to other people.
Feeling burned out.
Distrust.
Fighting over trivial matters.
Fear that you’ve given away too much to the narcissist.
Believing that friends and family don’t understand your
relationship.
Feeling as if you can never please the narcissist.
Placing the narcissist above other important aspects of your life.
Believing that no one else can connect with you so deeply.
Trying to leave the relationship feels so painful you think it will
kill you.
Expecting the narcissist to keep their promises in spite of the fact
that they never do.
 
If you recognize these signs in your life, don’t despair, there is hope that
you can get out of this abusive relationship, but it will take work and
discipline. We’ll cover how you can do that in Chapter 6: Escaping the
Narcissist.
 

Case Study: Brad and Janet

Brad thought he’d met the perfect woman in Janet. Their romance quickly
blossomed, and he thought that he’d spend the rest of his life with her. They
were together for nearly a decade and had two children. The honeymoon
period was great, and then everything seemed to change. “I always
wondered why I was the only one she treated badly,” Brad would say.
 
It seemed that Janet had more respect for other people, except for Brad’s
mother, Ellen, who didn’t make enough money to have a place of her own.
This caused a great deal of strife because Janet thought Ellen stared at her
and had annoying habits. This situation deteriorated until Ellen felt
compelled to find a place of her own. When that didn’t work out due to the
expense, the resulting argument ended with Janet striking Ellen. Naturally,
she blamed everything on Brad.
 
Things got so bad that Brad turned to alcohol and even considered suicide.
Soon he was abusing opioids because they stopped the pain he felt from his
marriage. Depression and worsening anxiety led him to lose his job when
he asked for a leave of absence to go into treatment. “They all lied to me,”
said Brad, “pretended to be my friends to get info just to in turn use it
against me to help them fire me.” It was also during this time that Brad
discovered Janet had been having numerous affairs.
 
Eventually, Janet took the kids and left, complaining about Brad’s drug
problem, saying that it was unacceptable. Brad is now left to pick up the
pieces and fears that his children are starting to exhibit the same problems
that he did.
 
Again, as far as Janet was concerned, everything that had happened, from
the business with his mother to the affairs, the mental health issues, and the
drug and alcohol abuse was Brad’s fault even though it was predicated on
her narcissistic abuse.
 
A Deeper Look
Brad manifested a number of traits associated with narcissistic abuse
syndrome. He couldn’t leave the situation. One would think that after Janet
slapped his mother on top of all the other trouble, he would have reached
the point of ending things. He didn’t. It’s likely he justified this by saying
his children needed him, though it is just as likely that if there were no kids
involved, he would have stayed anyway.
 
He could not trust anyone and saw the worst motives in the actions of the
people around him, especially his coworkers. While this could point to a
level of narcissism within Brad, we should remember that he was burned
out by what he’d experienced at home. Suffering and unable to cope with
his life as it was crumbling around him, Brad turned to drugs and alcohol to
ease the pain, which just made matters worse.
 
In other words, this once happy and productive individual lost himself,
becoming little more than a distorted reflection of the image of him that his
narcissistically abusive wife held.
 
The key thing for Brad and anyone else suffering from a narcissist’s abuse
to remember is that it’s not their fault. If you are reading this, recognizing
your own pain in these stories, it’s not your fault. Just as there is no shame
in being an assault victim, there is no shame in suffering from narcissistic
abuse syndrome.
 
You are the victim of a hurt that was perpetrated upon you by someone you
trusted, someone who should have been the last person in the world to harm
you. As painful and disorienting as narcissistic abuse syndrome can be, it
can be stopped and treated.
 
Do You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
While a true diagnosis can only be had through a licensed therapist, there
are certain things you can look for that, if present, indicate that you should
consider getting help. The following questions are based on the symptoms
of people suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome. The more “Yes”
answers you have, the more likely it is that you are suffering from it.
Do you feel disassociated from your experiences? Feeling
detached from your environment, either emotionally or
physically, as well as problems with perception, memory, or your
sense of self are classic signs of trauma. Related thoughts and
feelings are compartmentalized to block out the trauma and to
keep the real horror of your situation at bay. This can lead to a
number of unhealthy things such as addiction, obsessions,
repression, and other ways to avoid pain.
Are you always watching what you say or do around your
abuser? It is common to avoid anything that is connected with
the trauma in a bid to avoid repeating it. That means when you
are around your abuser, you are hyper-aware of what you are
saying and doing, tailoring your activities so as not to antagonize
them. It is a fruitless endeavor because the abuse has nothing to
do with you, what you say or your actions, but rather the
emotional tides of the abuser. This behavior leads to an erosion
of your ability to be assertive, set boundaries, and develop
healthy relationships.
Do you sacrifice who you are to your abuser? In abusive
relationships, especially those with a malignant narcissist, it is
common for the abuser to completely envelop every aspect of
the life of the abused, leading them to neglect their own basic
needs and desires to win the favor and affection of their abuser.
Your dreams wither, your friends and family fall away, all to
satisfy the needs of your narcissist and all for nothing. Why?
Because there is no satisfying a narcissist.
Does failing physical health mirror your mental health? It is
not unusual among abuse survivors for their bodily health to
mirror their mental and emotional struggles. This can manifest as
significant weight changes, new chronic health problems, a
suppressed immune system, sleep issues or other maladies that
will crop up due to the chronic stress of dealing with the
narcissistic abuse.
Are you less trusting and more cynical than before? Someone
once said that cynicism is the tendency to look for a coffin every
time you see flowers, and that’s what we’re talking about here: a
deep and abiding tendency to see the dark side of everything and
everyone. You can think of it as a survival trait. You’ve been
harmed, so now you see that potential in everyone you meet,
never trusting their intentions because the last time you trusted
someone they devastated you. Caution, therefore, has become
cynicism as you view humanity through frightened eyes.
Are you suicidal or tempted to self-harm? Hopelessness, the
idea that you will never escape the pain, is a key trait among
those who have suffered abuse. This is a lesson often taught by
malignant narcissists to keep their partners under their thumb,
and it can lead the abused partner to look for any way out,
including suicide, or to try to cope through self-harm. If this is
you, contact your area Suicide Prevention Hotline. They will
help you with resources, advice, and acting as a much-needed
sounding board.
Do you keep yourself isolated? Your feelings of shame over the
abuse you are experiencing are not unusual. To make it worse,
on top of the trauma inflicted by the abuser, society does
additional damage through victim-blaming and ignorance, with
family members, friends, even clergy and law enforcement
minimizing and invalidating the pain and hurt of the abused
person. As a result, such victims often turn away and don’t seek
help because they believe that doing so will only make things
worse.
Do you compare yourself to others? Malignant narcissists feed
on their partners’ fear of not being good enough and often show
attention to someone else to force their partner to compete for
their affection. More than that, the partner sees other couples
who are happier and healthier, they see the narcissist treat
strangers with more respect, and find themselves asking the age-
old question: What have I done wrong? In spite of what the
narcissist would want them to believe, the partner has done
nothing wrong. They have no blame, for all the blame belongs to
the narcissist.
Have you become prone to self-sabotage? Malignant
Narcissists use a steady stream of verbal abuse, unfair criticism,
insults, and denigration to nurture self-doubt, anxiety, and a
feeling of worthlessness in their partner. This emotional battery
sometimes leads to the kind of toxic shame and feelings of
worthlessness that keeps the victims of the abuse from following
 their goals, dreams, and other pursuits, doing what they love or
going after success because they feel they don’t deserve it.
Do you rationalize your abuse? Often, rationalization, allowing
the abused to trivialize or even deny the abuse they are suffering,
is used as a coping mechanism that minimizes the cognitive
dissonance between the abuser’s claims of love and the abuse of
their partner. In this way, the victim sees the abuser in a better
light than they should or manage to blame themselves for the
abuse.
 
The more signs you exhibit, the more likely it is that you are suffering from
some level NAS and so the more you need to seek out a good therapist who
is trained to deal with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse syndrome. In the
next chapter, we’ll take a closer look at the dynamics of narcissistic abuse
and narcissistic abuse syndrome in families.
 Chapter 4: Narcissism in Families
 
 
 
Families. That is where we learn how to see ourselves and the world, where
we pick up good habits, like cleanliness and industry; and where we pick up
bad habits, and sometimes, depending on how we’re raised, far worse.
Some mental disorders are the direct result of our upbringing. Things like
sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality
disorder, all have their roots in childhood abuse and neglect, and they all
have lasting repercussions long into adulthood. Sometimes, these issues are
caught early, by particularly aware parents or teachers, other times, no one
notices because no one knows what to look for.
 
In this chapter, we will discuss narcissism in families, examining both
narcissistic parents and narcissistic children and siblings.
 
Meet Daisy
Daisy is an attractive, thirty-four-year-old woman, with a good job, a nice
apartment, and an active social life. She’s lost weight since college, but still
doesn’t exercise much, and it shows, but not really enough for anyone to
call her “fat.” She also lives in the same town as her recently widowed
mother and sees her on weekends to help with errands and small chores
around her childhood home.
 
When Daisy goes over, she sees the athletic trophies won by her older
sister, Ellen, who is now married and living across the country. In fact, an
entire bookcase is devoted to Ellen memorabilia, from the child pageants
Ellen won to her track and field days in college. Mom had been a track and
field coach and loved basking in the victories of her team, speaking at the
awards ceremonies, and even being interviewed by the local newspaper. So,
she bankrolled all of these activities for Ellen and saw her daughter’s
achievements as her own.
 
Ellen loved the spotlight that her mother provided and over time started to
do things to ensure that she kept it. She began to bully Daisy in ways that
were both subtle and overt. She would make nasty comments about Daisy’s
hair or clothes or would call her “ugly,” “stupid,” or “fat,” even though
Daisy was none of these. She would break Daisy’s toys and purposely took
the heads off of her own Barbie dolls to prevent Daisy from playing with
them. When Daisy would complain about her sister, her mother would not
believe her. Instead, she complained that Daisy was not more like Ellen.
 
That was the problem as far as Daisy’s mother was concerned, that Daisy
wasn’t like Ellen. Daisy was not interested in the pageants growing up, nor
was she particularly interested in track and field sports, preferring martial
arts and photography.
 
She wanted to study aikido and learn to take astronomical photographs, but
Mom had no interest in photography and felt that the martial arts would
make Daisy “too violent.” So, seeing no value in either, she refused to
support Daisy but did offer to pay if she wanted to become a runner like her
sister.
 
With her own dreams dying on the vine and her father defending her
mother’s decisions, Daisy turned her attention to two things her mother did
not control: School and food. She excelled in high school, joining what
academic clubs and activities she could to keep her out of the house as
much as possible and eschewing sports entirely. She also put on some
weight, much to the dismay of her mother and the amusement of her sister.
 
After that, she enrolled at a good state university, put on the traditional
“Freshman 10” and gained another thirty pounds before she was done. She
also worked hard in her classes, making the Dean’s list and graduating
Summa Cum Laude with a degree in finance.
 
While her grades and academic honors brought some praise from her father,
Daisy’s mother and sister responded just enough to look good to the people
around her, but never showed the interest or pride that Ellen’s exploits
running sprints and relays garnered. As for Daisy’s weight, her mother
would call her “chunky” and a “pudge-pot” while holding up Ellen’s
athletic physique as some gold standard of appearance. Her sister would
simply sneer at her and call her “fat.”
 
As an adult, Daisy dropped out of her mother’s and sister’s lives almost
entirely. The first time they saw each other was at their father’s memorial,
several days after he died. Ellen, now a mother and a successful fitness
instructor, was civil to her sister, but Daisy recognized the smirks and
inflections under the veneer. Her mother just looked at her and commented
that she was glad Daisy had finally surfaced, though later in the evening she
overheard her mother and sister commenting on her weight.
 
After her father’s death, Daisy began to feel pressured to do little things for
her mother. This didn’t include any apologies or pleas for a better
relationship but consisted of her mother and sister’s steadfast insistence that
Daisy owed her a duty. “The least you can do is take care of her,” Ellen
would say.
 
Cousins that she still kept up with would call on her mother’s behalf and
want to know why she wouldn’t spend time with her mother, never
accepting that Daisy’s childhood had been anything but wonderful, like her
sister’s. “She’s alone now,” they would say, or “that was a long time ago,
I’m sure it wasn’t so bad.” It was a grind, and eventually, Daisy gave in but
soon regretted doing so.
 
When she goes to visit her mother, some variant of the following takes
place: Her mother brags about Ellen, going on about how pretty she is, how
well-off she is, where she and her husband are going this summer or over
the holidays, how smart she is, what a wonderful job she did in the
pageants, and how wonderful it is that she is raising her own daughter,
Taylor, to follow in her footsteps, getting her started with the pageants and
the athletics.
 
Interspersed with this are critical comments about Daisy’s weight and
figure, her job, and how she had better find someone to support her
because, as Mom is happy to point out, “you sure as hell can’t take care of
yourself.” This theme has become so constant that it creeps into phone
conversations and occasionally even emails, which has left Daisy feeling
the way she did as a child: angry, exhausted, and depressed.
 
 
Narcissistic Parents
Daisy’s story is the story of a grown child of a malignant narcissist. At its
most basic, her mother saw her children as a reflection of her, rather than as
separate people in their own right. As a result, the daughter who made her
mother look good in the most obvious way, through achievements on the
pageant circuit and the athletic track, who married a wealthy man and is
now a jet-setter, gets all the praise, raising her own daughter the same way
she was raised; while the still-unmarried Daisy, who has no children to brag
about and whose life was one of academic achievement that her mother
could not or would not understand, who led a quiet, academic life, gets
pushed into a close relationship with her abusive mother by the mother and
her squad of “flying monkeys,” the cousins and her sister, and is then
subjected to the same criticism and mockery as before.
 
In the mother’s eyes, Daisy does not represent her in the way she thinks she
should be represented by a daughter, she is too academic and too fat. For
Daisy’s mother, a woman with an athletic shape, with hard muscles rather
than soft curves, is the epitome of feminine beauty and the height of
desirability.
 
That is how she sees herself, that what Ellen became, and so that is the way
to be. On the other hand, she sees Daisy’s soft, curvy physique as fat, weak
and undesirable. All of this means that Daisy will be a frequent target of her
narcissistic mother’s ire. If we break it down, we see that children like
Daisy tend to feel:
Completely devalued
 Deeply afraid to defend themselves
Hyper-sensitive to the feelings of others
Unable to defend against the emotions of others
Chronically unsure, so they always second-guess themselves
Extremely concerned about how others view them
Deeply insecure regarding relationships, generally finding them
to be unsatisfying or even toxic.
Deeply cynical, seeing narcissism in everyone with whom they
come into contact.
Abused and spent at work or school, without a clue as to why
everything and everyone is giving them such a hard time.
 
Daisy’s story demonstrates the power of these feelings, especially her sense
of being devalued and her insecurity regarding relationships, but it also
illustrates the extreme importance of external validation to the narcissist as
well as their overblown sense of entitlement. Their self-esteem and the
armor that protects their inner weakness and vulnerability depend on it.
 
In this case, Mom was an athlete in her own right and a coach to a winning
high school team. She lived for the external validation that her team
victories brought into her life, the status it bestowed upon her as the coach,
and she felt desperately entitled to recapturing that through her daughters,
molding them into the perfect reflections of her.
 

How Could a Mother Do This?

For people with a narcissistic personality disorder, it’s less of a question of
“how” and more of a question of “why.” The “how” part is simple: They
can’t resist. As for why they do it, it’s because their nature as malignant
narcissists leaves them without emotional empathy and with a feeling of
complete entitlement, especially over those who they see as inferior to
themselves. Finally, the narcissist will show a distorted view of others and
the world around them that therapists call “one-mindedness,” the
assumption that everyone thinks the way the narcissist does, especially their
notions of right and wrong. 
 
They are incapable of looking at a situation except from their own point of
view, which they see as the only correct view. Since they cannot understand
that there can be different, yet equally valid, ways of seeing something, they
react with hostility as though they have been personally criticized and
insulted.
 

This Treatment Affected Daisy and Ellen in

Different Ways
It is in the nature of daughters to seek the love and approval of their mother,
and Daisy and Ellen are no different. In their case, however, the constant
judgment and bullying had the effect of sending the two young women on
different trajectories.
 
Ellen internalized her mother’s standards and values and became the
reflection that Mom was looking for, even going so far as to raise her own
daughter in the image of her mother. As for Ellen, she went the other way,
rebelling against her mother’s tyranny and, in the process, paying the price.
After all, as far as her mother was concerned, Daisy was still a part of her
and owed her obedience.
 
From Daisy’s point of view, her mother’s demands were impossible to
fulfill in as much as they were not who Daisy was, or even wanted to be.
Now, as an adult being subjected to the same behavior, Daisy has a choice,
and the more than her mother continues to try to bully her, the easier that
choice will be.
 
Raising Narcissistic Children
Narcissism is definitely a trait that comes from how someone is raised, the
question is what kind of parenting practices lead to narcissism in children?
It breaks down to the emphasis that is put onto self-esteem and the
immediate happiness of the child, as opposed to their self-sufficiency,
boundaries, and discipline.
 

Everybody Gets a Trophy

No. They don’t. That’s the answer for people from past generations. As
shocking as this might be to the current crop of young parents, there was a
time when there were definite winners and losers, and when rewards had to
be earned. It was a paradigm that mirrored the way the world really works.
 
Unfortunately, there are people who believe that they are doing their
children a favor by focusing on their happiness and self-esteem to the
exclusion of discipline and positive, constructive feedback. They believe
they are doing their children a favor by making sure they get a reward
regardless of their effort. This cripples their ability to grow into self-
sufficient adults and reinforces the notion that they are the center of the
universe and that they deserve praise and reward regardless of their
accomplishment or lack thereof, which are the first steps toward raising a
narcissist.
 

Social Media and Narcissism

If there is one thing that kids and young adults have that previous
generations did not is an all-pervasive social media. What used to be private
moments, thoughts put down in a diary, pictures in an album, are now
forever floating around in cyberspace on platforms like Facebook, Twitter,
and Instagram, open to the view, comments, and judgment of the world. For
many, likes, retweets, shares, all impact self-esteem and for many others,
these things feed their narcissism. More than that, it has allowed them to
take their narcissism to new and malignant levels.
 
After all, in days gone by, very few people would be interested in what you
made for dinner, your latest trip to the mall, those selfies you took at some
fair or in your bathroom showing off that new Daffy Duck tattoo you got on
your butt. With the rise of social media, now everything, even the most
trivial, risqué, grotesque, or offensive things are put out there for all to see,
as though people really want to see a lot of that stuff. Some certainly do,
especially if the poster is a celebrity, but for the most part, these posts are
meaningless to anyone but the poster.
 
Yet they are posted. Why? Because these posts, and the reactions they get,
feed the narcissism of the posters. People will post risqué photos of
themselves, or videos of themselves spitting into a tub of ice cream, or
beating someone up, to show off their personal awesomeness and let people
know what they can do and that the things they do are actually worthy of
preservation.
 
In the end, the social media culture teaches people that their feelings,
thoughts, opinions, and activities matter more to others than they really do.
This generates a false sense of importance and relevance, increasing the
narcissism of a society awash in selfies and emoticons.
 
Children raised in this environment are more likely to succumb to
narcissism, especially if their parents or caregivers cross the line that
separates raising a child with strong self-esteem and raising a narcissist.
 

Personality Development and Narcissism

A parent’s drive to build their child’s self-esteem is easily understood, but
according to psychologists Eddie Brummelman, Sander Thomas, and
Constantine Sedikides, the way parents raise their children’s self-esteem
can easily push the child into narcissism.
 
Psychologists have argued for quite a while now about how the personality
is formed. Is it genetic, and therefore stable from birth, or is it the result of
experience, fluid, and therefore changes with circumstance? A third
possibility is that it begins as fluid in childhood, becoming solid by early
adulthood. In this third option, the role of caregivers and learned behaviors
is key to the development of either healthy self-esteem or narcissism.
 
According to Brummelman and his colleagues, there is a significant
difference between self-esteem and narcissism. Yes, both are based on
individuals perceive how others evaluate them, but that is where the
similarities end and the differences have a major effect on how each sees
their social world, themselves, and others.
 
For narcissists, this social world is laid out in a vertical pecking order, with
those above them and those below. Narcissists don’t recognize equals, only
a need to reach the top by any means necessary to bolster their weak self-
image with the trappings of supremacy. Any relationship is seen as an
opportunity, something to be exploited in service to the ultimate goal. On
the other side, people with high self-esteem see a horizontal social world,
with everyone at the same level.
 
They focus on relationships, rather than beating out the competition, and
tend to view these relationships as ends in and of themselves. Between the
two, it’s the difference between seeing oneself as superior (narcissism), or
seeing oneself as worthy (high self-esteem).
 
Around the age of seven, children begin developing a global sense of self,
and the ability to judge how they compare with others and how they are
seen by others. This is when the child’s personality will move toward self-
esteem or narcissism. In a long-term study, Brummelman and his colleagues
measured the personalities of children and compared them with the
interactions the children had with their parents. They found that:
Children who developed high self-esteem also had parents who
expressed fondness and affection for them but did not overly
praise them.
Children who developed narcissistic tendencies had parents who
showered them with praise and constantly compared them to
other children who had accomplished less than they did.
 
In short, parental warmth led to self-esteem and parental overvaluation led
to narcissism. Also, it is too late to change course by the time the child
reaches young adulthood. The personality has stabilized, and they are either
someone with high self-esteem, or they are a narcissist.
 

The Narcissist – The Bully

Once a child is heading down the path toward narcissism, we often see the
development of bullying behavior. After all, bullies tend to have many of
the traits associated with narcissists, including an air of superiority and a
sense of entitlement that conceal a weak, and often frightened inner self.
They are adept at deflecting blame and usually manage to get away with the
abuse they inflict.
 
To make matters worse, when a child complains to an adult, say a teacher,
about the bully, they are often not believed because, playing the victim, the
bully often manages to throw-off the adults trying to deal with the situation.
This starts a cycle of repeated abuse and useless interventions that soon
wears down the self-esteem of the victims.
 

Character Traits that Point to a Potential Bully

It is important for parents, teachers, and other care-givers, leaders, and
coaches to identify personality  traits that lead to bullying. You will notice
that they are all narcissistic traits, which only strengthens the connections
between bullying and narcissism.
The Eddie Haskell Effect. Bullies work hard to make a
favorable impression before authority figures such as parents and
teachers. However, if the adult watches closely over a period of
time, they will notice that the same courtesy is not extended to
the other children when the adults are not watching. This is a
kind of manipulation that the adults need to notice.
The Know It All.  This child thinks they are always right, and
that is regardless of any evidence to the contrary. This kind of
thinking arises from the child’s need to defend against being
wrong or vulnerable. It is a sign of deep insecurity.
The Braggart. The child is only interested in telling others just
how wonderful they are, refusing to listen to anyone else’s good
news, or give them any credit for ideas or accomplishments.
The Pouty Baby. If an older child routinely pouts when they do
not get their way, it is a bad sign. We’re not discussing
something the child found overwhelming, but rather an entirely
oppositional response to disappointment.
The Innocent One.  With a lack of any guilt or remorse for
something they’ve done, the child protests their innocence by
laying the blame upon someone else, maintaining that position
for as long as possible, sometimes indefinitely.
The Tyrant King.  Like the Pouty Baby, the fits thrown by a
Tyrant King throughout the day are oppositional responses to
disappointment that mark not only deep-seated insecurity but a
king-sized sense of entitlement.
The Bad Seed. This is a child with a distinct lack of empathy
who feels entitled to say or do cruel things to other children.
They often don’t understand how or why what they say or do is
 hurtful, and often don’t particularly care. This is something that
needs to be addressed quickly.
 
These personality traits point to bullying behavior and are closely linked
with a narcissistic personality disorder. It is important for parents, teachers,
and other care-givers to understand and recognize these signs in order to
mitigate any potential harm to the child in question, or others around them.
 

Don’t Raise a Narcissist

Based on their research, Brummelman and his colleagues determined that it
is possible to keep a child from becoming a narcissist while still fostering
high self-esteem. According to them:
Parents and teachers should praise children for their
accomplishments without comparing them to peers. For
example, you might say, “Fine Job!” which conveys worth and
accomplishment, as opposed to “You’re the best!” which
conveys superiority.
Parents should have their children think about all the things they
have in common with their peers and discourage thinking of
ways they are superior to them.
Finally, when a child suffers from low self-esteem, the adults in
their lives must do two things: First, they need to reassure the
child of their worth, helping them to receive the positive
comments that people with low self-esteem tend to disregard.
Second, help the child to appropriately process anything that
 others say about them, helping them to understand criticism as
constructive feedback.
 
Remember, all children deserve a safe and functional childhood. By helping
children recover from the kind of deep insecurity that leads to both
narcissism and bullying behavior, with their related lack of empathy and
accountability, we help to ensure that safety and that functionality.
 
Dealing with Narcissistic Siblings
With narcissistic parents, it is almost a foregone conclusion that one or
more of the children will be narcissistic as well. Children pick up on their
parent’s behavior and initially learn how to cope with the world around
them by modeling that behavior and incorporating the underlying traits into
their own personality.
 
A parent who is vainglorious lacks empathy, feels entitled, and so on
teaches their children that this is how “normal” people behave, and so the
child internalizes it. This is reinforced by the other parent, who usually
takes on the role of enabler, or “flying monkey,” who often perpetuates the
dynamic by covering for the narcissist, excusing and defending their
behavior, often continuing that even after the narcissistic parent has died.
 
Not all children of narcissists become narcissists themselves, of course.
There are those who rebel against their narcissistic parent, usually winding
up as the scapegoat within the family, while the narcissistic child seems to
become the favored one, garnering what little love and attention their
narcissistic parent might have to offer and benefit from the cover provided
by the in-house flying monkey.
 

Yes, They Really Are Out to Get You

If you think your sibling is hurting you on purpose, and for no discernible
reason, you are not being paranoid. They really are out to get you. One of
the defining characteristics of the narcissistic sibling is that they will go out
of their way to hurt you. This has nothing to do with anything you might
have done or said, but rather with the scarcity of parental love. They see
this as a scarce resource, and you are the competition. They will do what
they can to ensure that they get it and you don’t.
 
This form of bullying is designed to undermine your position within the
family, make you feel like you are an outsider with no place who doesn’t
deserve the kind of love, attention or support that they do, and the bullying
often goes unnoticed by the narcissistic parent, or is ignored, excused,
deflected, or even encouraged because it’s convenient to do so.
 
It’s hard to be a brother or sister to a narcissist, especially when you realize
that they will not grow out of it and that the parents will never help because
of the risk of having to assess their own behavior or being held accountable
for the situation.
 
So, it goes on into adulthood, where the once ham-handed bullying tactics
become more subtle, refined, and effective. After all, they have no intention
of sharing the estate with you. Here are a few things you can expect at the
hands of your narcissistic sibling:
They will betray you in nearly every way possible.
They will abuse you in nearly every way possible.
They will lie to you through commission, omission, through
obfuscation and by being vague on details.
The will hide important family information from you.
They will judge you in extreme and often hypocritical ways.
 While around family they will be extremely hostile to you, but
not in front of others.
They will show an utter disregard for important events and
milestones in your life.
They will argue with you, assuming you don’t know what you
are talking about until you no longer wish to discuss anything
important with them at all.
 

Things Don’t Change in Adulthood

You might think that once you’re all grown up things would change. After
all, you and your sibling are adults, with adult responsibilities, so isn’t it
time to put all the childish behavior behind you? If you were dealing with
someone normal, someone more like yourself, the answer would probably
be yes. However, you are not dealing with someone normal.
 
You are dealing with a narcissist, which carries on into adulthood; and you
are dealing with the trauma that goes along with growing up with that
narcissist, which can also carry on into adulthood.
 
The feelings you have about your narcissistic sibling today have their roots
in the treatment you received from them when you were younger. If, for
example, you feel anxious around them, it’s because there is a part of you
that is waiting for an attack. The traumas inflicted in the past are still there,
and when you encounter your abuser, you experience a reaction similar to
fight or flight even if there is no immediate threat.
 
Even if the abusive sibling treats you better, you will always be on your
guard. Their new civility is an act, a way to cover up the past abuse, but
deep down you will always feel as though all that hostility and aggression is
still there, lurking beneath the surface.
 
You are not wrong to feel that way because it is all lurking beneath that
veneer of civility, and if you don’t want to play their game if you don’t want
to let bygones be bygones or pretend that nothing happened, those old
hostilities will come bubbling right to the surface. They will trivialize your
pain, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or smear you to the people around
you by claiming that you are “making everything up for some reason.”
Remember, you and your narcissistic sibling were trained by your
narcissistic parents to be rivals. It’s a control mechanism that allows them to
manipulate both of you. This is a big reason why so many have problems
with family gatherings. Being together triggers that training and opens the
door once again for all that hurt and resentment to come rushing back.
 
Coping with Narcissistic Siblings or Parents
The one thing you have to remember if you are dealing with either a
narcissistic sibling, or a parent, or both is that, in the end, they are
narcissists. That means they are in it for themselves, that they want and
need to see themselves as your superior and that they will do some evil
things to you in order to maintain that illusion. It’s simply who and what
they are, and you cannot change them.
 
On the other hand, you can change yourself. Remember that all
relationships are optional, even family relationships. Sure, you have a
biological tie with the narcissist who expelled you from their birth canal, as
you do with the sibling that took that journey either before or after you, but
all that is simply an accident of biology and it doesn’t mean you have to put
up with their abuses. You are free to set the parameters of your life, who is
included and who is not, and with that comes the option of dropping your
abusive family member.
 
Severing ties is not an act of betrayal. You would be making a statement,
even if only to those who stood by and let the abuse happen, and taking
control of your life away from your abuser. You might be surprised at how
much easier it is to breathe once you do that. It is an act of self-preservation
on your part. That said, if you do feel the need to maintain some kind of
relationship, you treat your narcissistic sibling the way you would treat any
other narcissist by:
Setting and enforcing boundaries
 Forcefully and unequivocally communicating, preferably in
writing
Understanding that the childish taunting will continue
Restricting information about yourself. The less information they
have about you, the less they can attack you.
Compartmentalizing your relationships, keeping friends and
colleagues strictly separate from your narcissistic sibling. This
denies the narcissist the chance to poison the well if you should
happen to say something negative about them.
Learning that you owe them nothing and need not allow or agree
to anything they demand from you.
Remembering that their accusations against you are mere
projections of how they see and feel about themselves.
 
Your goal, in the end, is to break the cycle, to be able to love yourself for
who you are, your children for their wonderful, separate, authentic selves,
and to provide for them all the things that your own parents could not give
you. You want to be mindful of your child and separate your needs and
desires from theirs, focusing on them and not on yourself. Doing these
things, turning away from your own ego to concentrate on your child’s
needs, will allow you to break the generational cycle of narcissistic abuse.
 Chapter 5: Narcissism in Relationships
 

 
As we saw earlier, the best part of such a relationship for both parties is the
courtship or chase. Here, the narcissist is at their most charming and
evocative, showering affection onto the object of their desire, who feels like
they are the most loved and adored creature on the planet and that they’ve
finally found their soulmate. If this stage could go on forever, it would be
fine, but eventually, the narcissist wins over their love and the relationship
proper begins.
 
Reality intrudes upon the idealized vision that the narcissist had, and they
begin to try and change the one they fought so hard to win. Their love
might acquiesce at first, but sooner or later they are going to say the one
word guaranteed to set-off a narcissist. They will say “No.” That’s when
everything really goes south as the narcissist embarks on a campaign of
devaluation to undermine their partner’s independence, resolve, and self-
esteem. By the time it’s all over, the narcissist has moved on and their
victim is wondering what happened to the dazzling person that swept them
off their feet.
 
In this chapter, we’ll go through how narcissists see relationships, how and
why one might fall for a narcissist, making a relationship work with a
narcissist, and ending a relationship with a narcissist.
 
Meet Lana
When Lana met Chris, she thought he was wonderful. He took her to a
museum on their first date where he showed off his acumen, explaining
several of the exhibits in a way that people thought Lana was on some
private tour. Their first kiss was in the gemstone exhibit. For someone used
to dating businessmen, this artistic writer was a breath of fresh air and by
the time he took her home, she was in love.
 
A people-pleaser by nature, she indulged Chris in every way, from gifts to
bedroom fantasy. He treated her at once like a queen and a best friend. They
could, and did talk and laugh about everything, especially their future. Chris
was certain that she was the one for him, and she was sure of it as well.
They even talked about children one night after a round of lovemaking and
agreed to have one but in five years. Chris said he wanted to get to know
her better.
 
The difficulty there was that, while Lana was utterly into him, paying
attention and hanging onto his every word, Chris was more aloof. He didn’t
ask the kind of probing questions that Lana asked him, preferring, he said,
to “learn about you as we spend time together.” He would soon have that
opportunity.
 
A week after their pillow talk about parenthood, Lana was rushed from
work to the emergency room. Upon arriving, Chris was promptly
congratulated on the pregnancy by the nurse who showed him to Lana’s
bedside. They were told that the pregnancy was high risk and that she
would have to leave her job. She moved in with Chris and they decided to
marry.
 
What followed was a series of discussions and arguments over when and
how they should marry that culminated in a courthouse wedding attended
only a few close friends. While this was fine for Chris, it was a terrible let
down for Lana, who had always harbored far more romantic notions of her
wedding day.
 
As the pregnancy progressed, the new marriage became strained as it was
clear that neither of them was ready for the changes taking place in their
lives. The old carefree days were suddenly gone. Chris was no longer the
wonderful man who took her to the museum, and she was no longer the
sexy queen he fell in love with. Instead, the quirks that had once endeared
the pair to one another began to annoy them and Lana took to spending
days on end with her parents to avoid the looks and comments Chris made
regarding her morning sickness and the way her pregnant body was
changing, as well as his intellectual snobbery.
 
Chris firmly believed that wherever he went, he was always the smartest
guy in the room. At first, she’d found that funny, but as time went on it
became irritating, then insulting. For his part, Chris was happy for the
breaks from his new wife, who he soon discovered had an amazing talent
for making people feel small and worthless. She had begun to complain
about how he slept, his snoring and occasional flatulence. His lack of
religion also bothered her as did the bundle of letters from an old girlfriend
that she found one day while looking through his desk.
 
By the time the baby was born, they were each trying to change each other.
She pushed for him to get a CPAP machine and take pills to ensure that his
digestive tract behave, to get rid of everything from any past relationship
including pictures and letters, even gifts, to dress more conservatively, cut
his hair, and get a new job that would offer more money and more flexible
hours because, with this baby, she needed help.
 
Chris wanted her to understand how ridiculous her religious pose, as he
termed it, was, he wanted her to get back into shape, and he wanted his
sexual playmate, the woman with the slender curves and perfect skin who
was once up for almost anything, back in his bed.
 
Over the years, and to their credit they kept going, hanging onto the little
bits of happiness that did occasionally crop up, there have been fights that
lasted for hours, vicious spats that ended up with passionate make-up sex,
but nothing changed, nothing got better, and eventually, they were sleeping
apart.
 
Even up to the end, neither of them cheated, but there was no intimacy,
casual conversations could flare up into a fight over the most trivial word. It
ended when Chris came home and found that Lana had moved out, taking
their son with her, which set off a firestorm of rage and a lot of broken
furniture. When asked about it, all Chris would say was, “How the hell
could that bitch leave me?”
 
How a Narcissist Sees Relationships
To the narcissist, relationships are transactional. You give me all that what I
want, I give you what you want (within reason, some restrictions apply).
With Chris and Lana, we see two narcissists come together, and what
started with the usual passionate, over-heated courtship with the two of
them dropping love-bombs on each other each and every day derailed
quickly once an external force kept Lana from giving Chris what he wanted.
 
In turn, he withdrew, losing interest and seeing only the obligation and a
source of resentment. He was a narcissist put into a position where he had
to be generous, and that drove him nuts. She, on the other hand, was a
narcissist put into the position of having the love and adulation withdrawn
because she no longer lived up to the fantasy that he built around her.
 
She was pregnant and Chris could not see or didn’t appreciate, the gift she
was ultimately giving him, a child. As this progressed, they both started
fixating on each other’s flaws, and everything deteriorated from there.
 
It is this transactional view of things that ultimately guides and informs the
narcissist’s perception of the relationship. Their lack of empathy for their
partner and sense of grandiosity turn this otherwise pragmatic view into
something abusive.
 
Falling for a Narcissist
This is the easy part. When a narcissist sets their sights on you, you cannot
help but be overwhelmed. The love-bombing, the idealization, you feel
great and everything is wonderful, and if you don’t recognize the signs
early enough it will consume your life because that is what narcissists do,
they come in and coopt every aspect of your life for their own benefit.
You’d have to be very shrewd to see any of the warning signs, your
narcissist will do anything to conceal them, lavishing attention on you in
ways you’ve only dreamed about, a pattern that will continue until they win
you over.
 
Then, once they do, everything changes.
 
Over time, the attention you’ve come to depend upon, all the love and
interest they’ve shown in you dwindle away, and you start to feel confused
and upset. You try to share things with your narcissist, but their indifference
leaves you feeling worthless. Worse, the physical attraction is gone, and
their eye begins to wander to new conquests, while any remaining leave you
feeling used and abused.
 
After a while, it’s as if you barely know each other any longer. Now, thanks
to the growing and ongoing abuse from your narcissist, you feel trapped,
insecure, and desperately needy and constantly questioning what went
wrong and whether that connection you felt was real. If it was, it’s gone
now, and if you’re like most, you want it back. Obviously, there are
relationship issues that you don’t know about, but things did move fast, so
that’s too not unusual, right?
 
It’s really not unusual. A relationship without issues, that is unusual. So, the
logical thing to do, at least according to the conventional wisdom, is to step
up and attempt to resolve the issues, whatever they may be.
 
The problem is that it’s nothing that you have done, at least nothing that
would get this kind of reaction out of a normal individual. The problem is in
the nature of the narcissist and trying to work out the issue is going to be
like a trip down the rabbit hole. The narcissist is going to twist things
around and place the blame for the state of the relationship on you.
 
You’ll question them, and that will just alienate them further. Then comes
the silent treatment or some other emotional punishment that leaves you so
wound up that you are the one who offers the apology, the one who tries to
win the narcissist’s forgiveness, the one who tries to make peace.
 
That is precisely what your narcissist is looking for. You, on bended knee,
are now looking for their approval, seeking to please them, giving them all
of the attention they desire and they bask in all of it while recognizing no
fault of their own. You, on the other hand, have had your self-esteem
savaged and your integrity severely challenged, taking the blame for
everything, questioning everything about yourself in the hopes of being able
to just fix the problem. In fact, after a while, that seems to be the only thing
likely to ease the pain.
 
The problem is the more you try, the less traction you get until you realize
that nothing is going to work. After a while, you stop trying to fix things
because you’ve got nothing left to give, and when that happens, the
narcissist has no use for you any longer.
 
Now, the relationship for which you’ve suffered so long and upon which
you’ve spent all this energy is spiraling down to an inevitable crash. Break-
ups are always difficult, but with your emotional investment in this one, the
break-up will be exquisitely painful, and you will likely end up feeling
worthless and utterly alone.
 
That might feel like a worst-case scenario, but it’s a common end for these
relationships, assuming you don’t catch on early and end it quickly before
any real damage is done. But say you don’t catch on, and you go through
the steps outlined above. You can use that experience as a springboard to a
better you.
 
This is an opportunity for you to rebuild your psyche and your life. With the
support of people you love and trust, possibly even a therapist, you can let
go, commit to yourself that you will never see or speak to the narcissist
again. Once you do, you’ll find healing, and you will rediscover yourself.
This will produce a stronger, braver you, with greater perception and
emotional intelligence.
 
Do You Love a Narcissist?
In the early phases of the relationship, it’s hard to tell if your new partner is
a narcissist. Here are some questions to ask yourself. While these signs
don’t necessarily appear immediately or all at once, If you recognize any at
play in of them your relationship, even just a little, you should consider the
possibility that you are dealing with a narcissist.
Do you feel isolated from or discouraged from seeing family
or friends? Time away means less attention focused on them.
Time with others means you don’t require their validation of you
and it raises the possibility of you cheating, which is something
that narcissists are far more likely to do, and so is something
they are more likely to accuse you of doing.
Do you feel set against others? By doing this, they gain more
control over you and further isolate you by sowing distrust and
confusion.
Does your new love feel as if they are above the rules? This
could be as simple as refusing to pay a parking ticket, or blowing
off some commitment they made, or even cheating on you.
Whatever it is, they have a good excuse that usually involves
some failing on your part.
Do you feel that you are good enough?  Is your narcissist
seeking ways to “fix” or “improve” you? Do their words, or the
wandering of their eye, make you feel inadequate? If any of this
sounds familiar within your relationship, that is a red flag.
Does retaliation figure in the relationship? Eventually, you are
going to say “no” to your partner or disappoint them in some
other way. While this would lead to reconciliation in a normal
relationship, with a narcissist it will only lead to retaliation that
increases with each argument in scope and intensity.
Is your relationship competitive or cooperative? In a normal
relationship, your partner strives to be your biggest cheerleader.
They want you to succeed. If, however, your partner is always
trying to one-up you, always trying to demonstrate that they are
superior in some way, that is a real red flag. Narcissists have to
be the best at everything, whether they really are, or not.
Does it seem as if the world is out to get them? Bad things
happen to your partner and it is never their fault. They always
put themselves in the role of the innocent victim who is simply
trying to do good. If you hear that a lot, it is a warning sign that
you could have a narcissist on your hands.
Does your partner use degrading terms to describe past
partners? When they tell you about former relationships, do you
often hear how they did your new partner wrong? Sure, everyone
who dates will likely have such an ex, it is probably the reason
they became an “ex” in the first place. However, when that is
repeated with most or all of them, the problem isn’t the exes.
Does your partner resort to the silent treatment? If your
partner refuses to communicate with you, especially without
telling you why they are doing it, that is a definite warning sign.
It means that they think you have denigrated them in some way,
and it is a way for them to regain control of the situation.
Do you notice a difference between your partner’s words and
their deeds? When you need help, and your partner either
doesn’t answer you or they promise help but don’t follow
through, that is a big red flag.
 
If any of the above seem to apply in your relationship, you need to consider
whether you have inadvertently gotten involved with a malignant narcissist.
 
The Threatening Narcissist
If you really love someone, how can you threaten them? If the relationship
is transactional, with the narcissistic partner more concerned about they are
“getting out of it” than the other, presumably normal partner, it can happen
easily. Consider the following scenario:
 
Dave and Jenny are arguing over money, a fairly common point of
contention among married couples. Specifically, Dave, who is out of work
and is earning money by making deliveries, has asked for gas money. Jenny,
who likes people to believe that she keeps a mental track of these things and
is secretly squirreling away money for something she wishes to buy, notes
that he has already gotten gas money and demands to know what he’s doing
with his money.
 
Dave tries to explain that he bought gas, groceries, and medication with his
money, but the gas has run out and he needs it to make deliveries. She
accuses him of hiding money and bleeding her dry. He offers to show her
receipts, but she refuses to look at them. Instead, she goes on about how it’s
all very suspicious and accuses him of using the money to cheat. Dave
continues to argue the facts, but Jenny counters with other outlandish
accusations of financial domination and abuse on Dave’s part mingled with
repeated demands for explanations.
 
All this, in spite of the fact that Dave is only working part-time, and she has
access to his bank account. Finally, when Dave asked her where the money
was going, instead of answering honestly, Jenny turned the attention back to
Dave, but he was firm. Refusing to be baited, he repeated his question and
in response, Jenny threatened to tell Dave’s family “what was really going
on” in their marriage and ruin his relationship with them.
 
What did Jenny want? To maintain control of their money without
accounting for what she was doing with it. That much is clear. How did she
react when her accusations and demands had no effect, and she was
confronted with money? Her response was emotional blackmail, essentially,
“do as I say or else!” It was the first time she had threatened him, but it
wouldn’t be the last.
 
It happened a number of times over the following months, even to the point
of physical intimidation with a veiled threat to get her brother to “take care”
of him. It shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that this marriage imploded not
long after, with Dave and Jenny going their separate ways, both angry, both
hurt.
 
With the help of a therapist, Dave eventually figured out that Jenny was a
malignant narcissist who used threats as a means of maintaining control.
With her lack of both empathy and perspective, one-mindedness and an
overblown sense of entitlement, she met the criteria. Her lack of empathy
showed in her refusal to even care what he needed in order to bring in some
money, and the lack of perspective in the intensity of her rage.
 
We see the one-mindedness in how she attacked him for daring to ask what
she was doing with the money and her sense of entitlement in how it was
alright for her to hide money away, which was precisely what she accused
Dave of doing.
 
That is an explosive mixture of dysfunctional narcissistic personality traits
that focused Jenny exclusively on a single terrible fact: Dave was not doing
what she wanted. Enraged as she was by his refusal to just roll over, explain
himself and accept her edicts, all she heard was Dave telling her that she
was wrong, that he was right, and he was not going to knuckle under.
 
This only increased her anger because, in Jenny’s mind, Dave was attacking
her personally. For a malignant narcissist, that is unacceptable. If you win
you’re better than they are, and their fragile sense of self cannot tolerate
that. So, to keep that from happening, to keep you in your place, they resort
to threats that can go from verbal to physical fairly quickly.
 
Threats can be vague, something like, “You’ll be sorry for doing that!” or
more specific, such as, “You leave the house today, you’ll find all you crap
in the garbage when you get back!” even violent, like, “Shut-up before I
shut you up!” (with a raised fist). What they all have in common is that they
come from a place of intense insecurity, a profound inability to understand
how others can have a different opinion or agenda, and a tendency to see
anyone who disagrees or disobeys as an enemy to be vanquished even if it’s
a mate who should, instead, be cherished.
 
Making it Work with a Narcissist
Can you make a relationship work when you are with a malignant
narcissist? You could, but it’s a lot of work and a lot of sacrifices because,
like a fish out of water, a narcissist in a marriage is out of their element.
After all, how can someone who sees themselves at the very center of the
world, who’s every thought is about themselves, exist in the most
communal of living situations where compromise is the only road to
happiness?
 
Make no mistake, as far as the narcissist is concerned, this is their world,
you just work here. What you might see as a partnership, they see as a
monarchy and you are lucky to be a part of their court. If you think you’ve
got the wherewithal to force a change, or at least establish your own throne
next to theirs, here are some things you need to do.
 
Just remember, if you go ahead with this, there is going to be trouble.
Understand this: By doing these things, you are not harming your narcissist,
nor are you betraying them. You are simply asserting your own personhood
and rights as a fully realized human being.
Don’t Buy into the Hype. As a narcissist, they will see
themselves and speak of themselves in grandiose terms and look
for agreement from you to support their vision. Don’t believe it
and don’t support it.
Remember that You’re Not Their Mommy. If the relationship
is new, don’t build an expectation that you are the one to come in
and take care of his every need. If you’re already married, start
pulling back in stages and make him handle his own issues.
Expect their Selfishness. The narcissist is all about taking care
of themselves, which means that your own needs could, and
often will, go unanswered. Take a page from their book and take
care of yourself as well. That way, you don’t have to involve
them unless you really want to.
Keep Goals Realistic and Doable. Your narcissist will set
amazing goals for the two of you that are often far out of reach,
like a month in Hawaii when your budget would only cover a
week in Florida. You need to reign those in, find compromises,
and try to help them achieve a more realistic goal. Don’t allow
the “Great” to become the enemy of the “Good.”
Be There When It All Goes to Hell. Remember those over-the-
top goals? When they fail, you will find yourself with an
exquisitely depressed individual desperate for any kind of
validation. For your own sanity, if not for theirs, be nice and give
it to them, but only as an emergency measure. In the long run, a
dose of reality will be good for them.
Don’t Let Yourself or Others Become Tools. Once your
narcissist starts feeling a little better, they will begin to look for
scapegoats to explain the failure and will try to enlist “help” to
try again. The fact that the goal was unrealistic or that they were
not capable of seeing it through will never enter their minds.
That said, they are more than likely to fail again, so the “help”
they are trying to hijack will likely drain you and others of
energy, money time, or other resources for absolutely no
purpose. Try to find a compromise that would succeed, but don’t
let yourself or others get dragged into another boondoggle.
Control the Purse Strings. Your narcissist sees themselves as
the best, so they demand the best. The best car, house, food,
computer, whatever it is, they want the very best money can buy.
The problem is that this expensive taste is usually paid-for by
letting things slide elsewhere. Say you have a child on the way.
While you are looking at nursery sets, cribs, car seats, diapers,
bottles, pediatricians, your narcissist is looking at diamond
jewelry. Without intervention on your part, they’ll have a new
diamond watch and Junior will be sleeping in your sister’s hand-
me-down crib that may or may not have been recalled. Before
that happens, take control of the family budget and make sure
that the money gets spent on the family’s needs.
Accept that You Are on Your Own. Your narcissist is far more
connected with themselves and their own needs than they ever
will, or could, be to you and your needs. It’s the way their brain
works and there is nothing you can do about it. They were like
that when you met and had been since childhood. You can blame
them for their behavior, you can even blame their parents for
unleashing such a damaged individual in the world. In many
ways, you would be right to do so, but the person you cannot
blame for this is yourself. Instead, accept that you are on your
own, do things that make you happy, and practice self-care over
your physical, mental and emotional health.
Don’t Take It Personally. The more you push for your own
rights and well-being, the more you protest the actions, words,
and attitudes of your narcissist, the more they fail at things, the
 angrier they will get. They will blame you and anyone else for
their troubles, never once looking inward. You have to remember
that this is the sort of tantrum you would expect from a spoiled
toddler and you need to take it as such and dismiss the blame and
insulting language.
 
One last note: Believe it or not, your narcissist is not all bad. Like everyone
else, they do have good qualities that have to be balanced out against their
narcissism, which means you need to do a rough cost-benefit analysis. Are
the good qualities worth putting up with the narcissism? Can your own self-
esteem handle their selfish grandiosity and utter lack of empathy? There are
no shades of grey here, no nuance. It’s “Yes” or it’s “No.” The choice is
yours.
Choose wisely.
 Chapter 6: Escaping the Narcissist
 
 
 
As hard as it is to live with a narcissist, leaving can sometimes be even
harder. How could that be? You have had it with the narcissistic abuse and
indifference, your friends have told you to leave, your bank account is
empty, your therapist says it’s not going to get any better, there are nude
pictures and sexy texts on their phone and none of them involve you, and
they just told you to quit spending so much time with your widowed,
octogenarian mother because it eats into “quality time,” whatever that
means. Enough is enough, right?
 
Eventually, your narcissist says, does, or doesn’t do something and
whatever it is, it crosses a line that you didn’t even know existed when you
brewed their coffee that morning. Major or minor, tragic or trivial, it doesn’t
matter. Welcome to the end of the rope. Now you have a choice: let go and
fall, or climb. Falling is easy. All you need to do is accept your role of
slavish acolyte serving at your narcissist’s whim, beck, and call. If that was
you, you would not be reading this book. Since you are, however, we can
assume that you are looking for ways to make the tough climb up and out of
the chaos.
 
Meet Tasha
Tasha had been married to Jay, a flashy CEO of a large manufacturing
company, for nearly five years. They had a stereotypical whirlwind
romance; an expensive wedding and Jay took her home to a big house in an
upscale suburban area, all of which dazzled and endeared Jay to Tasha’s
parents. Her mother especially loved how he took care of everything and
encouraged her daughter to go along with it. “Enjoy it!” she advised, “he’s a
real catch!” So, Tasha did. She let herself get swept up in all the excitement
and took her cues from Jay, barely noticing the control he exerted over her
dress, even her weight, as they approached the big day, excusing him by
laughing and telling people, “Oh Jay just wants everything perfect, even
me!”
 
Over the next four, she found out that the wedding day was not the only
thing her husband wanted to control. Her body always seemed to be an
issue. He had something to say about her breasts and butt, her stomach and
thighs, usually couched in terms of “helpful” suggestions like, “You know,
if you were a cup size bigger, you could really fill out that new gown I
bought you,” or, “I’m no expert, but should your belly be puffy like that?”
Finally, to make him happy, Tasha had breast implants and liposuction.
 
He was thrilled, telling her that they were going to look great together, but
that only ramped things up. He insisted that she work on her stomach and
thighs and always seemed to compare her to the women on the magazine
covers. She exercised, had skin peels and seaweed wraps, and did her best
to look like the models he drooled over. As a reward for all her hard work,
Jay bought her revealing clothing that he said would accentuate her beauty,
taking her out and showing her off like a new car or watch.
 
When she got pregnant, Jay didn’t take it well. As her belly expanded, he
fretted over stretch marks and how her morning sickness disgusted him. He
took to leaving the house earlier and earlier and staying out later and later
just to avoid it. After a while, he stopped taking her out, especially to places
and events his business colleagues might attend. When they were together,
he would make a crude joke or comment about her weight, her need to find
the right stretch mark cream or the size of her belly.
 
It wasn’t long after their second anniversary, after she bore their son, that
his little “jokes” and “helpful” comments turned ugly, even going so far as
to threaten that if she did not lose the weight, he would never again take her
on business trips and to company functions. He was already taking his
personal secretary, Mindy, and she, as he said, “took care of herself.”
 
Hurt, but worried that she was losing her husband, Tasha found a personal
trainer and a nutritionist and began the hard work to lose her weight. Tasha
asked Jay to join her in the diet and exercise program, told him that it would
help her, but he told her that he didn’t have a weight problem and so didn’t
need it.
 
Jay was encouraging, but soon, his eating habits began to take a toll on
Tasha. He liked steaks and mashed potatoes smothered in butter, chili,
burgers, pasta, pizzas, and all manner of pastries and ice cream and he had
no problem eating them in front of Tasha while she picked through her
salads and other low-calorie foods. “I work out,” he told her between bites
of meat lasagna. “I can eat what I like. See if you can keep up.”
 
She didn’t have to see if she could keep up, Jay did that for her. If Tasha
missed an exercise class or had something to eat that was not on her diet,
Jay had something rude and demeaning to say about it. When he was
diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, he blamed Tasha for not cooking him
healthy foods.
 
During this time, Tasha’s friends told her she needed to leave Jay, and on
one level, she agreed with them. On a deeper, more primal level, she just
couldn’t do it. “I don’t know why,” she would say when pressed on the
topic, adding something like, “He needs me,” or “We have too much history
together,” or even, “I know the man I fell in love with is still in there. I just
have to figure out how to bring him out.” It was clear she was stuck, that
something dramatic would have to happen before she would walk away.
 
It happened in late December. Tasha had found several Christmas trees. Jay
wanted only a real, natural tree, so she took photos of each tree and sent
them to Jay to see which one he wanted. When he didn’t respond, she went
to his office with the baby.
 
It was on her way home and she could get his decision and move forward
with the tree. She found Mindy’s desk unoccupied and her husband’s office
door locked. Listening, she heard her husband as well as a woman and
knew from their voices and the sound of movement what they were doing.
With tears rolling down her face, she took her baby and ran out.
 
That was the breaking point for Tasha. She had taken enough and decided to
leave. Tasha’s exercise had made her look and feel good. Those feelings
were not just about her appearance. She felt stronger and more capable so,
in spite of her previous reticence, she acted. By the time Jay got home from
work, Both Tasha and the baby were gone. Closets and dressers had been
rifled, toys were missing from the nursery, as was the stroller. The money
he kept locked in his desk was also gone, as was Tasha’s jewelry and his
pistol.
 
Panicked, Jay called her cellphone, pleading for his family back into her
voicemail after she refused to answer. He texted and emailed her, at once
pleading and demanding the return of his family, promising to be better to
her, accusing her of theft and kidnapping, pledging to treat her like a queen,
and threatening to get the police after her. His next call was to the credit
card company to report her cards as stolen. He called the police after that,
but since she was his wife, no crime had been committed, but they did
promise to stop her to make sure the baby was safe.
 
That was the beginning of what Tasha called, “The Year of Hell.” By the
time she had reached her parents’ home, Jay had already called and after
hearing his story, listening to his tears, her mother had promised to call if
she showed up, and did so as she was explaining things to her father.
 
When her mother came in and announced that everything would be alright,
that Jay was sorry and was coming to settle things and take them home
where they belonged, Tasha bolted and made for the next town, holing up in
a motel for the night and desperately trying to figure out her next move.
 
It took a week for Jay to track her cellphone to that motel. The pleading and
promising on voicemail and text continued, but she could tell from the tone
that his patience and new-found humility were wearing thin. Then, one
night, he burst in on her. The fight was tremendous and a couple of truck
drivers staying in the next room had to intervene when Jay struck Tasha
across the face.
 
The police were called, but Jay left before they arrived. She filed a police
report and contacted an attorney and obtained an emergency Order of
Protection. On the domestic battery charge, Jay went to the police station
with his lawyer and turned himself in. He was formally arrested, processed,
and released in time for dinner. He sent a bouquet of roses to Tasha as a
gesture of apology, but the note, which he saved for her attorney, clearly
told her that the gloves were off.
 
What followed was months of legal fencing while she tried to re-establish
herself. New apartment, new credit cards, new phone, new email, new car,
new clothes, new job, new Tasha. She did everything to minimize contact,
having her attorney appear for her at negotiations and only appearing in
court when it was absolutely necessary.
 
She was lucky. The judge understood spousal abuse and did everything she
could to make it easier for her, and in the end, with the divorce finalized and
full custody of her son, Tasha finally felt as though she was in control of her
life.
 
Jay had other plans. He petitioned for the Order of Protection, which had
been made permanent, to be lifted. That was refused. He sued for changes
in the custody order and the visitation agreement. That failed as well. He
hired detectives to dig up evidence that she was an unfit mother, which
likewise didn’t work. In the end, though, his harassment led her to move
across the country, away from friends and family, away from him, and start
again.
 
Why is it So Hard to Leave?
It took Tasha a while to leave. Why was that? Abuse and the effect it has on
both the victim and the abuser personally and as a couple is complex.
Breaking ties in any relationship is tough, but as counter-intuitive as it may
seem, breaking out of an abusive relationship can be even harder. You often
have to hit that breaking point, like Tasha did, before you can exit.
 
It may be strange to imagine, but even after suffering prolonged narcissistic
abuse at the hands of your partner, the emotional connection that was
created when you two first got together is actually still there. It is bound to
be stained and mangled, and large parts of it no longer work as they once
did, but the connection is still there and it still exerts an influence.
 
Remember all the attention, the idealization, the love-bombing, the
pampering, the charm, the excitement, the fun of those early days? You’ve
spent the whole of the relationship hoping and praying and doing whatever
you could think of to recapture those moments. You are emotionally
committed and in spite of it all, you still love them, or at least that version
of them you dated and fell for so very long ago.
 
Your life might have also changed in other ways that leave you feeling
stuck in the relationship. Things like children, money, business, even the
house itself can have a profound effect on your choice to stay or go, but you
know that the longer you stay, the more you compromise yourself and
sacrifice on the altar of their ego, the less of the authentic you remains.
 
To add another level of complexity, you cannot discount the possibility of
Stockholm Syndrome. Named after a 1973 hostage situation in Stockholm,
Sweden, the condition makes hostages develop a psychological bond with
their captors. It is characterized by four key components:
A hostage's development of positive feelings towards the captor.
No previous relationship between hostage and captor.
A refusal by hostages to cooperate with police forces and other
government authorities.
A hostage's belief in the humanity of the captor because they
cease to perceive the captor as a threat when the victim holds the
same values as the aggressor.
 
While the legitimacy of Stockholm Syndrome is contested, there is little
doubt that similar actions and attitudes have been seen in victims of abuse.
Research has confirmed this, especially where intermittent positive
reinforcement is present. This leads to trauma bonding (see Chapter 3),
where the victim takes on childlike characteristics and yearns for any
positive treatment or approval from their abuser.
 
To add another level of complexity to the matter, victims of abusive, distant,
withholding or absent parents are far more susceptible because this is an all
too familiar pattern of abuse. It’s the trauma bond, that fear of losing the
emotional connection they have with their abuser, that keeps them in place
because they feel that the pain of such a loss would be worse than either the
actual abuse or the retaliation they also fear would follow their departure.
 
Codependency is yet another factor. If the victim is codependent, their
ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship is severely
compromised. They are drawn to one-sided relationships that tend to be
abusive and/or emotionally destructive.
 
These relationships are marked by an excessive emotional or psychological
reliance on the partner, typically one who requires support on account of an
illness or addiction, often leaving them feeling trapped and unable to move
on, so narcissists and other abusers see codependents as preferred prey.
 
Any of these traits can make it very difficult to leave, but once you do reach
that point, once they cross the line, you will be on your way. Once you do,
the question becomes what to do next.
 
Making Your Exit
The day has come, and like Jay with his secretary, your narcissist has
crossed the line. Now what? Pack a bag and head for Mom and Dad’s
house? You could, but would you stay there? You will be in an emotionally
vulnerable state; and to your narcissist, your departure is a loss, especially if
you’ve been “with the program” and they have been getting what they need
from you. Since narcissists don’t like to lose, it’s not good for their fragile
self-esteem, the campaign will begin again.
 
There will be calls and emails, the narcissist may show up unexpected
where you work or are staying until you get back on your feet. There will
be flowers and compliments, whining about not being with you, and for the
first time in forever you will see that version of your partner that you first
fell in love with, and that’s the issue.
 
Assuming they do get you back, there would be more of what you’ve
already experienced, but with a truckload of added resentment over you
trying to leave them, that will only serve to make things worse than before.
To the narcissist, you leaving was a personal attack, something they could
never understand and for which they accept no blame whatsoever,
regardless of what they might say to the contrary to win you back.
 
So, how do you keep this from happening? In a word, planning. Everything
you read below can be started before you leave the narcissist but be
prepared for any pushback you might receive.
Know Your Abuser. This goes for any sort of abuse, not just the
narcissistic variety, and it is the first thing you should do. Study
your abuser. What sets them off? How do they defend their
actions? What are they trying to accomplish? By identifying
these factors, you can find ways to work around them, or even
use them to your own advantage. If that last part sounds a little
like manipulation, it is. You are manipulating them to keep them
from harming you, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Develop Your Personal Autonomy. This begins with
boundaries. Fundamentally, the issue of narcissistic abuse is one
of the boundaries. Specifically, the narcissist has none. They
believe they are entitled to do and say whatever they like, which
is not a belief you should reinforce. Just remember that your
narcissist will test whatever boundaries you set, so when you do
draw the line, be firm about it.
Start Your Self-Care. With so much of your life wrapped up in
the narcissist and their needs, your own physical, mental and
emotional needs may go wanting. This erodes not only your
health but also your self-esteem and personal autonomy. So,
make sure that you are in good shape physically, emotionally and
mentally. That means eating right, staying healthy, exercise,
joining a support group, or seeing a therapist. The stronger you
are, the harder it will be to abuse you.
Build a Life. Narcissists consume your life, and eventually, you
will lose your authentic self, becoming a sad parody of what you
once were. That is why it is so important to create a life outside
of your relationship. By developing friendships, pursuing
hobbies or schooling, going back to work, and indulging in other
interests, you will develop a new sense of grounded stability that
will greatly ease the transition from abuse victim to an abuse
survivor. Moreover, it’s integral to the next item on the list.
Rebuild Your Self-Esteem. One of the biggest features of
narcissistic abuse is the damage it does to your self-esteem. The
truth is that the lower your self-esteem, the easier it is for your
abuser to control you. You need to rediscover your own value
and learn again that your needs and feelings are important and
worthy of acceptance, and that you can and should trust yourself
and your instincts.
Nurture Yourself. Another hallmark of being in a relationship
with a malignant narcissist is that you are so focused on their
needs, tend to neglect your own goals in life, your own dreams,
and aspirations, leaving you stunted and empty. This simply
makes you more vulnerable to abuse. By reversing this process,
by encouraging your own personal growth, you not only reclaim
what was always yours, to begin with, but you also insulate
yourself against further abuse.
Don’t Threaten – Act. Threats are provocative and empty
threats are worse than useless. When you decide to leave, make
sure you have everything you need lined-up, at least as well as
you can, and that when you finally go, that is the end and you are
not going to be lured back.
Accept That You Were Disposable. Don’t imagine that your
Narcissist will take time to grieve and reflect and heal from the
break-up as you will. That’s not how they work. Think of
narcissists as junkies always needing that next fix. You were
their supply, and now you are gone. That means they need to find
 another source, another person to supply that next narcissistic fix
right away. Don’t be surprised to learn that they already had
someone lined up and ready to go, or at least an exit plan in the
event you left.  Don’t take it personally. After all, it was never
about you even before you left. 
Record Your Reasons for Leaving. It is important to remember
the bad times as well as the good times. Whether you just list out
the times they chipped away at your self-esteem, sent you on a
needless guilt-trip, lied to you and told you that you just
misremembered things, made you question your own perceptions
and sanity, cut you off from friends and family, or write out a full
and descriptive narrative, it doesn’t matter. Just write it all down,
as much as you can recall in as great a detail as you can recall. If
you can put dates to these incidents, do so. If you can add the
surrounding circumstances, do so. It will do wonders for your
resolve to never go back.
All of these ideas will help you rediscover yourself and build you into a
strong, independent person who is unlikely to fall into another abusive
relationship. The following are more general things that anyone who has
suffered abuse needs to do.
Seek Shelter. Abuse escalates and usually repeats itself. The best
thing you can do is get out. When you judge that the time is
right, go to family, friends, a shelter or a hotel, somewhere you
can be safe. If you have children, take them with you.
Remember, your abuser will look for you, so avoid people who
are likely to give you away.
Contact Law Enforcement. If you have been physically abused,
that is criminal assault and battery. File a police report, have the
abuser arrested, and seek an Emergency Order of Protection to
keep them from approaching or contacting you. While the Order
is not a shield, the abuser can be jailed if they violate its
provisions.
Find an Experienced Lawyer. If you are leaving a marriage,
you can bet that the narcissist will hire the best lawyer they can
to make sure you feel punished for leaving them. You need to do
the same. Find a family law specialist who knows how to work
with victims of abuse. You especially want someone who will
insist on going to court rather than mediation, which usually
doesn’t work out well for abuse victims.
Maintain Minimal Contact. Once you are out of the situation,
the narcissist will try to pull you back into it, or they will try to
punish you for leaving. You don’t have to stand for any of that,
and one way of stopping it is to maintain minimal contact.
Ideally, that would be no contact. That means new contact
information or at least blocking them from your phone number,
email, address, etc.), blocking them on social media, obtaining
an Order of Protection, whatever is necessary to make sure they
cannot or will not seek you out. If you have children, things will
get more complicated, but custody-visitation agreements can be
worked out to minimize contact. This often involves having
visitation transfers handled by a third party or in a place where
the abuser is unlikely to act out, such as a police station. Make
sure that if there is any threat of abuse or violence to the
children, that any visitation that is granted is both limited and
supervised.
 This brings up the issue of friends that you have in common with
your narcissist. They will generally fall into one of three groups:
Those that are essentially on the side of the narcissist. These
people are likely to keep you updated on your narcissist’s life
and will be sure to tell you what a mistake you made in leaving.
The second group is on your side and are likely to have been
wondering for quite a while how long it would take you to leave.
There may have even been a betting pool. The third group
wishes to remain carefully neutral. They just don’t want to get
involved in the drama of others. The first group is essentially
flying monkeys (see Chapter 2). They are doing the narcissist’s
bidding whether they know it or not and they should be blocked.
The second group can help you in your recovery, so hang onto
them. Of the third group, hang on to those who are closest to
you, and block those who tend toward your ex. Remember:
watch for any signs that one of your trusted friends is turning
into a flying monkey. If you see that happening, cut them loose.
It may sound cold, but you need to think about what is best for
you.
Be Meticulous. Keep records of any interaction you do have. Jot
down notes, even record them for later use and analysis by your
lawyer and your therapist. Just remember that your state may
have laws that limit your ability to make recordings, so check on
that first.
However the breakup happens, whatever that last straw might have been,
however necessary that break-up was, once it happens you will experience a
terrible loss, even if you are the one who walked out. Now you have a
journey of recovery ahead of you. Give yourself time, grieve the loss,
rebuild your sense of self, your strength and your resilience.
 
Learn from the experience and come out of it as the “authentic you” that
you should be. Finally, be happy you got out when you did. Had you stayed,
you would have been subjected to more abuse and greater mental and
emotional damage?
 
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
If you have children under the age of eighteen, be aware that you may be in
for a very high-conflict situation. After all, you and your ex are now
antagonists, and ticking you off is one of the narcissist’s favorite way to get
attention and continue to exert control over you.
 
Even if you have a strong parenting plan and a solid custody and visitation
agreement, you can expect the narcissistic ex to act out and you need to be
ready for it.
 
Boundaries are Key. If the narcissist can get you angry, they can use that
against you to argue in court that you’re not stable. Don’t let that happen by
following these guidelines:
Written Communication Only. It’s hard to get the kind of rise
that the narcissist is looking for with strictly written
communication and it gives you time to think about what you
want to say. Also, it creates a paper trail that you can use against
them should the need arise.
Just the Facts. When you do communicate with your
narcissistic ex, keep emotions out of it. Discuss things only in
relation to the facts and the established orders and agreements,
and nothing else. It may sound cold, but if you allow the
narcissist to get you off track and begin feeding off your
emotions, things can easily get out of hand.
Create a Call Schedule for Child Visitation. Only allow the
narcissistic parent to call during set times while you have the
 children. It’s likely that the narcissist parent  will demand to
speak with the children during their time with you. If they call at
an unscheduled time, do not answer. They can leave a message.
If the children have cell phones, make sure you monitor them to
enforce the schedule. 
Request a Parent Coordinator. In high-conflict cases, the judge
can appoint a parent coordinator who will handle scheduling and
communications. This will reduce a lot of the stress and anxiety
you and your child experience.
Ask for a Guardian ad Litem for your child. This person will
work in the best interest of your child and serve as an advocate
and support while you are working out the custody and visitation
issues. Have your lawyer request one from the judge.
Keep the Kids Out of It. This is between you and your ex, so
keep it that way. Never use your child as a messenger, and never
use them as a sounding board. That is what friends and therapists
are for. Don’t go digging for information, either. If your child
wants to talk about something, they will.
Get Therapy for Your Child. Your child knows more about
what is going on than you think, and they are more affected by it
than you imagine. Moreover, they are also likely to be subjected
to the same narcissistic behavior that led to the break-up in the
first place. As they mature, your child will naturally become
more independent, which will lead to more and more issues with
the narcissist. You need to minimize the fallout from all of that
by making sure that therapy for your child is in the parenting
agreement and that they go.
 
Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse
Abuse is the fault and responsibility of the abuser. There is no question
about that. It is something terrible that the narcissist is doing purposefully to
their victim. That said, how the victim deals with that abuse is the key to
whether the narcissist is set back on their heels or the victim goes on
suffering and eventually develops narcissistic abuse syndrome. Later on,
we’ll give you tips on getting out of one of these abusive relationships. In
the meantime, however, let’s look at what not to do:
Never Try to Appease the Narcissist. It didn’t work for Neville
Chamberlain, with Hitler in 1938, and it won’t work for you
because all you are doing is empowering the narcissist, who will
see you as weak and will use the opportunity to exert more
control.
Forget Pleading with the Narcissist. Pleading just shows you
as weak and the narcissist is likely to react with disdain and
contempt.
If You Withdraw, Keep it Short. You may need to temporarily
withdraw to give you some breathing space in which to collect
yourself, to get your thoughts and emotions in line, but it is not a
long-term solution.
Fighting with Facts Doesn’t Work. Facts don’t mean anything
to your narcissistic abuser. Their sole interest is in justifying
themselves and their position. It doesn’t matter how right you
are, how solid your evidence is, the facts you present will be
twisted, denied or ignored and you’ll be left fatigued, damaged,
and victimized even more.
Don’t Explain and Don’t Defend. Like fighting, it’s pointless.
If you go beyond a simple denial of the narcissist’s ridiculous
claims against you, you just give them fodder to dig into you
even further. It’s as if you’ve given them permission to judge
you.
Don’t Look for Understanding.  You might think that if the
narcissist could only understand where you are coming from,
things would be different. If you were dealing with a normal
individual then you’d have a point, but you’re not. Your
narcissist doesn’t actually want to understand you. They just
want to win and maintain a position of superiority. Like
explaining yourself and fighting with facts, you are just opening
yourself up to more pain and manipulation. Remember, the more
information about yourself you give the narcissist, the more
ammunition they have to use against you.
Don’t Criticize or Threaten the Narcissist. You have to
remember that narcissistic abusers are, for all their bluster and
arrogance, very fragile and insecure. They are the perfect
examples of people who can dish it out but can’t take it.
Criticism and threats will just escalate things by making them
angry, vindictive, even violent.
Don’t Get Caught Up in Denial or Rationalization.  Many
victims end up denying the abuse. They rationalize it, excuse it,
minimize it, and while it might offer the victim a way to cope
with the abuse, it does nothing to stop it. The abuse goes on and
gets worse as the narcissist sees your denial as an invitation to
strengthen the abuse and further weaken you.
 Stop Blaming Yourself. The abuse you are suffering is not your
fault. The narcissist’s fantasy vision of you is so out of touch
with reality that you will never live up to it, and even if you
could, it wouldn’t matter. The abuse stems from their insecurities
and nothing that you have or could do. As such, the
responsibility for the abuse is held by the abuser.
 
In the end, these suggestions will make things easier, but easier will be far
from a smooth ride. The malignant narcissist will not go quietly into the
night but will do what they can to make you miserable, behavior that may
well continue once all the legalities have been finalized. Once they are,
once you have escaped from the immediate situation and then from the
relationship as a whole, the hard part begins. You need to start the long term
process of healing.
 Chapter 7: Recovering After Narcissistic
Abuse
 
 
 
The sad truth is that even if you follow all the advice given in this book, it’s
still going to be a tough journey before you get to the point of saying that
you have recovered. Confronting your childhood is rough, breakups are
hard, and divorces are worse even when the people involved are reasonably
normal. When one of the parties is a malignant narcissist, what was already
difficult can become intolerable.
 
There are, however, some general ways you can help yourself through these
pitfalls and make it to the end of the process.
Accept That There Will be No Closure. We hear a lot about
closure. In this context, it refers to the end of the closing down of
a relationship, that last step before moving on. It usually
revolves around finding some emotional resolution, an
understanding that both sides have valid feelings and accepting
that there were reasons for the break-up, often through a
discussion or letters. You might feel that you need closure after
breaking up with your narcissist. You won’t get it. Instead, what
you will get is blame. They will blame you for everything and
take responsibility for nothing, and you will be left feeling like
you’re holding the proverbial bag. It’s just how they work.
Gain Emotional Distance. Take a cool, clinical look at the
emotions you had, and have, regarding the narcissist and the
relationship in general. You can even try to put yourself in the
place of an outsider, objectively observing the relationship, you,
and the narcissist. This requires looking at why rather than what
you felt or are still feeling. Called Cool Processing, it can help
you stop reliving moments in the relationship and keep you from
being overwhelmed by the associated emotions.
Personalize the Blame. Avoid tarring everyone with the same
brush. Your narcissist doesn’t represent anyone but themselves,
so saying things like, “All men are liars,” or “Women are all
manipulators,” won’t help you put your experience and your pain
into the kind of healthy perspective you’ll need to move on.
Remember, it was a single individual who did this to you, not a
group.
Show Yourself Some Forgiveness. Avoid the temptation to
wallow in self-pity and quit judging yourself. Accept that you
made a mistake in partnering with a narcissist. It doesn’t mean
you are stupid, or foolish, or even ignorant. Narcissists are very
good at hiding their true colors. It’s not your fault if you were
duped into thinking they were someone, something, else.
Put Your Overall Experience in Perspective. Begin by
understanding that you are not the first, nor will you be the last,
person to suffer through a relationship with a narcissist. Like
having your car stolen or getting mugged, it can and does happen
to anyone and it is simply one, troubling, part of the overall
human experience.
Learn to Set Boundaries and Keep Them.  There is an old
saying: Good fences make good neighbors. Much of the damage
you’ve suffered at the hands of your narcissist had to do with a
lack of boundaries. Either you didn’t set them, which could be
understandable given close relationships where a level of trust is
taken for granted, or you did set boundaries, and you could not
stop your narcissist from consistently and flagrantly violated
them. To make sure that doesn’t happen again, you need to learn
to set and maintain boundaries. A good therapist can help you
develop this skill, and it will serve you well for the rest of your
life.
Get Educated. Knowledge is power, and the more you know the
more power you have. Learn about narcissism and malignant
narcissism, as well as narcissistic abuse syndrome. Not only will
it help you heal, but it will also help you avoid such trouble in
future relationships by teaching what to look for early on before
the damage is done.
Connect with a Therapist. Finding a neutral third-party with
training in psychology with whom you can freely discuss your
issues can make a world of difference. Counselors,
psychologists, social workers, and others, especially those who
have training in narcissism and domestic violence and abuse, can
help you recover after breaking up with the narcissist. If no one
else in your life understands what you have been through, they
do, and they can suggest ways to process and move on from your
grief.
Reconnect with Your Community. Volunteering can be a
powerful experience, and in the context of recovering from a
 break-up, it can be very therapeutic. It is a strong reminder that
you have value, that you have something to give. On top of that,
it will keep you busy and that will help you to get through the
grieving process. It is also a great way to meet new people and
rekindle your passions.
Reconnect with Friends and Family. Your narcissist likely did
everything they could to put distance between you and anyone
who might interfere in the relationship, usually close friends and
family, at least those they haven’t charmed, in order to increase
your dependence upon them. By reaching out to these lost,
healthy influences, you not only gain support but also calm and
permission to be yourself. If anyone judges you or makes you
feel bad, you don’t need to bother with them.
Stay Classy and Discreet. Never engage with your narcissistic
ex, regardless of the provocation. Record everything, either
electronically or by jotting down notes, complete with locations,
dates, and times, and pass those on to your lawyer, the court, or
the police as appropriate, especially if you already have an Order
of Protection. Let them handle it. If you must react, react to your
lawyer or therapist, a trusted sounding board who will hear you,
understand, and offer good advice. Never react to the narcissist.
If you do, they win, because you are paying them attention,
which only makes them act out more.
 
Recovering from the Narcissistic Parent
As a child, you had certain developmental needs that your parents needed to
fill. Those needs include:
Consistent Attachment;
Mirroring;
Attunement; and
Positive Regard for their primary caregivers.
 
Without these, it is difficult or impossible for the child to develop a stable
and cohesive sense of self that is positive and leads them to develop secure
and rational attachment.
 
Parents with a narcissistic personality disorder cannot provide for these
needs and so, instead of helping their children to thrive, they interfere with
their emotional and mental development. As a result of these traits, the
child can develop a number of problems, including:
Absorbing a twisted and dysfunctional notion of love;
Learning that their only worth is in what they do rather than who
they are;
Failing to understand or set healthy and appropriate boundaries;
Being romantically drawn to narcissists;
Seeking validation from caretaking and people-pleasing;
Neglecting or even nullifying their own needs and wants;
Mistrusting the validity of their own thoughts and feelings;
Despairing that their needs will ever be met;
 Struggling with self-esteem and their ability to maintain a stable
sense of self;
Coping through addiction and self-destructive behaviors; and
Following in their parent’s footsteps by also becoming
narcissists.
 
In addition to the general steps listed above, healing from the effects of
narcissistic parenting involves building up your personhood as well as
ensuring that you don’t follow in the footsteps of your parents, stopping the
cycle of abuse with you.
Confront Your Abuse and the Effect It’s Had on You. You
were abused as a child and an adolescent, and that abuse very
likely continued into adulthood. In fact, it may still be going on.
You need to own it and you need to take a hard look at yourself
and your relationships with others. Do your best to fill in the
gaps in your memory to get as complete a picture as possible, but
don’t be surprised if you cannot get honest answers from your
immediate family as they may still be under the influence of, or
have their own trauma from, the narcissist. This may involve
confronting your abuser, which you have every right to do. Bear
in mind, however, that such a confrontation may leave you far
more frustrated than vindicated because the narcissist is unlikely
to accept that they have done anything wrong. To help you get an
idea about the damage done, ask yourself the following
questions:
Are you repeating the patterns you saw as a child?
Are your notions of a healthy relationship similar to the
notions of those around you?
 Do you attract, or are you attracted to, narcissists?
Do you find yourself covering for your own inadequacies
with grandiosity?
Is your sense of entitlement greater than it should be?
Are you an inveterate people pleaser?
Have you diminished or nullified your own wants and
needs?
 
Work Through Your Missing Milestones. The children of
malignant narcissists are often not allowed to develop into fully
functional individuals with their own identities, tastes, needs,
and desires, often missing out on many developmental
milestones along the way. As you confront your abuse, examine
what you missed out on and with the help of your therapist and
work through what’s missing.
 
Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship
This is much closer to healing from a stereotypical abuse situation, so the
steps will be a little more straightforward. They all deal, on some level,
with safety, responsibility, and release, and the key is to be consistent in
how you carry them out.
Remove them from your life. That’s right, the very first thing is
something we talked about in the last chapter: Have no contact
with your narcissistic abuser. The rationale is simple: If they
don’t have access to you, they cannot harm you, and since they
don’t need to be right in front of you to inflict damage, that
means no physical contact, no phone contact, no email, no text,
no social media stalking, no messengers, no smoke signals, no
skywriting, no carrier pigeons, no nothing. If you share a child
together, you will have to have the court establish strict protocols
that reduce contact to the absolute minimum, preferably with
someone from the court acting as a go-between.
 
Why so strict? Because the kind of abuse committed by a malignant
narcissist tends to be more mental and emotional than physical, even
though that happens as well. As long as you are still being preyed
upon by the narcissist, you will not be able to begin healing. Any
contact, or any more than is absolutely needed under a parenting
plan, can seriously undermine your recovery. Beyond that, however,
there is a real similarity to kicking an addiction. There is a bond
between you and the narcissist that developed through the trauma
they inflicted on you. This connection is hard to break, and if you
give in to the withdrawal, like a smoker or an alcoholic, you could
wind up right back where you started, which would make any future
recovery that much more difficult. The only real cure, then, is to go
cold turkey.
 
Own It. Another one from the last chapter and worth repeating:
You need to own your pain. You might be asking why, since you
were the victim of something that was done to you, do you have
any responsibility for it? Because laying the blame at the feet of
your narcissist for all the abuse, pain, and suffering they rained
down upon you for the duration of your relationship is, in reality,
only half the battle. You can blame them, hold them responsible,
demonize them, and try to force them to heal you, and at the end
of the day, none of that will make you well. In fact, if you go that
route, you will retard or even completely stop, your recovery.
 
To recover, you need to leave your abuser in the dust and take
personal responsibility for your own healing. You are the only one
who can confront it, you are the only one who can do the work
necessary to get rid of it. Your therapist will be able to assist you on
this journey, to give you the tools you need to regain your power, but
in the end, it will be you standing against your demons.
 
Let It Go. Remember that addiction discussed above? If you
want to lay all that to rest, you will have to let go of the trauma,
but how? After all, you have incorporated so much of it into your
persona, and it has been there for so long that it feels a part of
you. Some will tell you to talk it out, others will say that ridding
yourself of it requires a radical shift in the way you see things, a
 mental and emotional growth spurt to make you over into
someone new, someone who has evolved past the old patterns of
abuse and can finally shed them. In other words, it means finding
your authentic self.
 
There was an authentic you before the narcissistic abuse, but that
version was buried under layers of abuse and pain. Recall that early
version of yourself, dig them out, clean them off, and invite them
back. Rediscover the things that went into creating that version and
embrace them with a new, more experienced spirit. Accept what had
happened to you, learn from it and add those lessons into the arsenal
of the authentic you. Your therapist will help you through this process
and when you are done, you will be stronger and wiser, ready to once
again take on the world.
 
Ensure it Never Happens Again. The things that made you
susceptible can still linger, and people will occasionally fall into
the same traps even though they know what to look for.
 
The problem is one of balance. You have to balance the need to keep
your guard up with your equally important need to live a life, develop
relationships, see the good in people once again. These things are not
necessarily mutually exclusive, but they can and sometimes do fall
out of balance and that leaves you vulnerable.
It’s not foolproof and you have to accept that there is always going to be
some risk. That’s just probability. The key is to do the inner work that
will recover and strengthen your authentic self, to learn the signs and do
your best to spot them, and to develop the self-love you deserve to be
able to act when you do.
 Conclusion
 
 
 
Thank you for making it through to the end of Narcissistic Abuse. We hope
it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to
begin recovering and reclaiming your life. The next step is to find a good
therapist who is familiar with a narcissistic personality disorder as well as
narcissistic abuse syndrome and domestic abuse.