THREATEN POSITIVE FACE / HONOR NEGATIVE FACE

Imagine the following scene

Steve and Angie are married and in their 40s. On their drive across town to spend the afternoon with
Angie’s parents, they hear a story on the radio about a middle-aged couple. The couple was discussing their
experiences caring for the husband’s mother, who had been widowed for many years, and who had recently
had some health problems. What stood out to Steve and Angie were that the couple sounded quite
overwhelmed, and also that the husband’s mother would much rather have been cared for by one of her
daughters.

The last thing that the husband says on the story is that he “wishes that he and his mother had talked years
ago about what the future might hold, and planned for what might happen if she ever reached a stage where
couldn’t continue living alone.”

The story makes Steve and Angie realize that they’ve never talked with Angie’s folks about any care
arrangements that might be needed in the future, so they decide to try to bring the topic up during their
visit. While Steve and Angie’s dad run to the store, Angie and her mom take a walk around the yard.

On the next page is the conversation that takes place. Please read it carefully, and tell us what you think
about how Angie dealt with the situation, and how you think her mom may have felt about this talk.
 THREATEN POSITIVE FACE / HONOR NEGATIVE FACE
Angie Mom, Steve and I heard something on the radio today that we wanted to talk to you about.
 THREATEN POSITIVE FACE / HONOR NEGATIVE FACE
Angie’s mom Something interesting I hope!
Angie Well…I don’t know about that. Honestly, I feel a little silly even bringing it up.
Angie’s mom This sounds serious.
Angie I suppose it might be. Actually, it’s a little depressing.
Angie’s mom What was it about? Why don’t you tell me about this story?
Angie I’ll try. It was about this couple – they were a little older than Steve and I, and they were
talking about how things had worked out with their parents.
Angie’s mom Uh-huh.
It seemed so sad. The guy was describing how his mom got pretty sick, and how he and his
Angie
wife had been the ones to take care of her since this happened a year or so ago.
Angie’s mom You’re right, this does sound depressing.
Angie Yes. It sounded like no-one had ever thought of what his mom might want. I mean, it sounds
like she had really wanted to be looked after by her oldest daughter. But nobody realized this
until after she’d moved in with her son, and now everybody sounds like they’re struggling. It
made me think of how I’d feel if I had someone living with me who wanted to be somewhere
else. And, I know your independence is important to you - so I think you’d hate it too.
Angie’s mom I see.
Some of the things I’ve noticed about you and dad have me worried…you seem to be slowing
Angie
down a little.
Angie’s mom I don’t think you need to be worried.
Angie Well mom, I think it’ll soon be hard for you to take care of yourself and the house. It’s pretty
clear that you’re already finding it hard to keep up with all that needs to get done. It would help
me to be able to plan ahead. I don’t want to have to stress about what to do with you when you
get too old to take care of yourself. Maybe it’s time for you to start thinking about what you’ll
want to do. We all have busy lives, so you’d be making it easier for your kids. It might stop us
planning things you wouldn’t want, as well!
Angie’s mom OK. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Your dad and I feel great, you know? Do you think we
really need to have this talk right now?
Angie Mom, it’s not my place to tell you what to do. But, you’re getting older and we can all see that
you’ve not been handling things as well as you used to. I know you want to be in charge of
your own life. A daughter should respect her mom’s wishes, whatever they are.
Angie’s mom I’m not sure I know what they are!
I know you don’t want to face the fact that one day you and dad will need help, but do you
Angie
think we could talk about this a little? It doesn’t have to be a long talk, maybe we could just get
the ball rolling?
Angie’s mom You know, you’ve kind of caught me off guard here!
Angie I’m sorry – would it be better to talk about this another time? It’s totally up to you whether you
want to talk now.
Angie’s mom You say you only started thinking about this today?
Angie Well, it’s crossed my mind before, but hearing that story gave me a kick in the pants! I
completely understand if you don’t want to talk about it today, but the subject is really
important for your future. When you’re ready to talk about it, maybe you could let me know.
And if you don’t want to talk about, that’s okay too. I’ll follow your lead.