Why I Didn’t Marry an RM After

All
by Victoria Adams | Nov. 08, 2018
Makes You Think Mormon Life
Back when I was in the Young Women program, I remember
being told that RM needed to be at the top of my dating criteria
list. Supposedly, dating and marrying an RM meant that my
husband-to-be would honor his priesthood, love the Lord, and
be everything a good Latter-day Saint girl wanted—short of
being Prince Charming himself.

But I didn’t marry an RM.

It wasn't for lack of choice—I attended BYU for four years.

There were RMs aplenty, and I dated my fair share. Missionary
service was one of the things I asked my dates about, mostly
because it made for easy conversation.

But that got me into trouble, more than once, when I asked
sweet, active members about their missions—and they hadn’t
served or had returned home early. It was always awkward,
and I felt terrible for intruding into something they clearly
found painful. What was a girl to do?

Enter Mark. He was a quiet boy, but sweet, and as I later

learned, he had a crush on me from our first meeting. He also
had a secret: he hadn’t served a mission. As we got to know
each other throughout the semester, he felt ashamed of his
past and was afraid to tell me that he hadn’t served. More than
once, he had experienced rejection at the hands of other
women who’d also been told, “RM or bust.”

See, while Mark was born in the Church, he had become

inactive during his late teens and early twenties. His mother
got cancer while he was at college, and he paused his
education to spend more time at home with her.

When I met him a few years later at BYU, he was already back
on the strait and narrow, making valiant strides to clean up his
life, and was about to receive the Melchizedek priesthood. He
was attending church and had a calling as a ward missionary,
which he did his best to magnify. By all accounts, he was a
good, strong, Latter-day Saint. Any woman would be lucky to
marry him, and I was thrilled he’d fallen for me. 

Oh, but he hadn’t served a two-year mission.

Was his reason for not serving good? Not particularly. He was
just inactive during those formative years. But did that one
fact, a past mistake that was too late to fix, suddenly make my
Mr. Right become Mr. Wrong?

When it finally did come up, I was already deeply in love with
Mark. Not only was he smart and charming, he was faithful.
Any doubts I might have had upon learning about his past
were overshadowed by what I knew of his character in the
present. (It didn’t hurt that my mother said, on meeting him,
that I would be hard-pressed to find someone else who would
love me the way she could see Mark did.)

But for some people, even deep into a relationship, learning of

Mark’s non-RM status might have been a deal breaker.
Especially if they were raised to believe that the title “RM” is a
guarantee for righteousness. Let’s be clear: it’s not. Serving a
mission can mean that a young man willingly followed
righteous counsel from latter-day prophets telling every
worthy young man to serve. It can mean he grew spiritually
on his mission. It can mean he honors his priesthood, loves the
Lord, and is closer to becoming the “Prince Charming” young
women are too-frequently promised. (Imagine the pressure
this puts on those poor RMs to be perfect!)

However, those who didn’t serve missions can be just as loving

and righteous, too. As some of our online readers pointed out,
there are a number of reasons why someone might not be able
to serve. Health reasons, family issues, even past sins can
prevent a potential missionary from entering the field. And all
these things have almost no bearing on current worthiness,
spirituality, or eligibility. Our current standing with the Lord is
more important than our past condition. 

In fact, it takes a lot of strength and courage for men like Mark
to return to the Church—especially knowing that others would
judge him for his inactivity and how he didn't serve a mission
because of it. 

The beauty of the gospel is that there is a place in it for

everyone, for saints and for sinners, for people who served
missions and for people who didn't. Mark, and every other
person who has made a mistake, can be made whole despite
past sins through the Atonement. Through prayer, study, and
hard work, people can change. Sometimes it’s scary to trust
 that the change is permanent, and forgive past misdeeds that,
if repeated, could affect a shared future.

But we’re all imperfect. We’re all learning. We all have

different circumstances, trials, and struggles. We all make
mistakes and we all want to be forgiven for those mistakes.
The unfortunate thing for non-RMs is that their inability to
serve for whatever reason is often easily visible. They get
reminded over and over again, and feel the need to justify
themselves whenever someone asks a simple, “Where did you
serve?” 

To this day, Mark still squirms in his seat when he hears that.
He shouldn’t. Because there is no rubber stamp for
righteousness, and that goes for RMs and non-RMs alike.

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