The Collapse of Parenting

Leonard Sax

Over the last thirty years there has been an alarming transfer of power from
parent to child. In North American culture, and those areas of the world
infected by this culture, the antics and opinions of the famous and infamous,
singers and actors, and same-age social peers matter more than parents and
teachers. In place of the family unit is the teenage social circle linked neatly
together by an always on social media that promotes the cult of the new, the
irrelevant, the immature, and celebrity. During this period there has been a
new emphasis on the opinions and preferences of children. The toddler gets
to decide the clothes they want to wear on any given day; the young child
can refuse to eat his vegetables safe in the knowledge that he’ll still get
dessert; while the teenage child can game, text, or surf late into the night
knowing that their mom is too busy trying to be the cool mom, rather than
the voice of parental authority. Recent television, online, and even literary
culture undermines parental authority to the point where little
communication across generations is happening. Even children limited in
their exposure to popular culture are not safe: the increasing influence of
peer networks that continue after school via electronic devices means that
the opinions and values of parents are further undermined.
The problem with contemporary enculturation is that it has degenerated
into a shared nothingness. There is no meaningful shared culture, nor moral
teaching. The notion of virtues is increasingly unknown, or wrongly defined.
Rather than protests against war and injustice there are YouTube prank
videos. Rather than lectures or town hall meetings there are digital meet-ups
via streaming. Rather than talk and the exploration of ideas or forming of
emotional attachments there is social media chat or texting. Rather than
writing there is swiping. Rather than deep thinking there are shallow,
transient jokes. And rather than the scholarly or religious exemplar there
are juvenile, often immoral, celebrities.
This distinctly North American cultural trend undermines the authority
of parents. Effectively, the family unit is under assault from a wide variety of
sources. Dr. Leonard Sax has been concerned about this for over thirty
years. After studying biology at MIT, then gaining his MD and PhD from
Pennsylvania, he practiced family medicine in Maryland, where he has
treated over 90,000 patients. Since 2001 he has visited and spent time in
380 schools across America, Canada, Australia, England, Scotland, and
Europe meeting with parents, teachers, and teenagers. This experience has
led him to study the profound changes in North American culture and
parenting that now emphasizes youth culture at the expense of the wisdom
of previous generations. One of the big recent changes has been the
medicalizing of children.
In 1994 it was extremely rare for a child under the age of twenty to be
diagnosed with bipolar depression. Then, between 1994 and 2003, there was
a fortyfold increase in childhood bipolar depression. Traditionally, bipolar
depression was described as episodes of depression, alternating with
episodes of mania with euphoric energy and a lack of sleep. Each episode of
either mania or depression could last for days or even weeks. This
description changed in the mid-1990s when a team of Harvard researchers
successfully argued that bipolar disorder was different in children. They
claimed that alternate episodes of depression and mania cycled rapidly and
lasted for just minutes. One minute a child could be very sad, the very next
minute they might be euphoric and buzzing with energy. For many older
doctors and parents this new description of bipolar disorder led to head
scratching. To have a child who was upset and sad, who then suddenly
became energetic and happy, running around with their friend, was
generally considered normal childhood behavior. Critics argued that mood
swings were being treated as serious mental illness. But the new Harvard
diagnosis of rapid cycling bipolar disorder held and led to a huge increase in
newly diagnosed bipolar American children. Inevitably, once such a
diagnosis was made, the child was pumped with drugs. This was exactly
what happened: American school children were treated with Risperdal and
Seroquel. Equally inevitable was that the same Harvard researchers had
personally received $4 million from the makers of these drugs, which they
had conveniently forgot to declare. It only showed up during a later
investigation.
In Europe, during the same period, the rates of childhood bipolar
disorder decreased amid skepticism about ballooning rates in North
America. In fact, a child living in America is seventy-three times more likely
to have bipolar disorder than a child in England. We find a similar trend
emerging with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD). According to
the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention twenty percent of American
boys are diagnosed with ADHD. In England, the figure is just 0.7%. The
reason for this recent trend is not just due to over diagnosis. The symptoms
of ADHD mimic sleep deprivation perfectly. The rise of televisions in
bedrooms, then cell phones, then the internet and gaming consoles, coupled
with the decline in family time and children setting their own bedtimes, or
parents deliberately putting children late to bed in order to have a sleep in,
has meant a decline in the number of sleep hours for adults and children.
When children are sleep deprived they act as though they have ADHD. Then
they are treated with Adderall or Ritalin, which work, because these two
drugs are effectively “speed” and compensate for sleep deprivation,
quietening down the child. All ADHD medicines work in the same way. They
increase the action of dopamine in synapses in the brain. In the long term
this artificially induced dopamine damages the motivational center of the
brain called the nucleus accumbens leading to unmotivated children who
become unmotivated adults disengaged from society.
Aside from American doctors now being more likely to diagnose
childhood mental illness, American teachers are much more likely to refer
children for evaluation and medication. The common refrain is, “try it and
let’s see what happens.” The picture is very different in Europe where
children start school later, where play for younger children is more
emphasized allowing them to expend energy, and where moving about
during lessons is likely to be met with a sharp rebuke along the lines of “stop
this silliness at once,” rather than a prescription for “speed.” Moreover,
British and European children are actually getting more sleep than twenty
years ago. This could explain why European rates of ADHD are so low. The
seemingly endless rise of heavy duty drugs for American children also
includes prescriptions for antipsychotic medications that have risen by
seven-hundred percent over a sixteen-year period, meaning that American
children are ninety-three times more likely to be on antipsychotics than
European children. Either American children are being wrongly diagnosed,
or there is something profoundly psychotic about contemporary American
life.
If American children are increasingly spoilt and medicalized, it is perhaps
little wonder that the great American dream is becoming the American
nightmare. The reality is that children in the United States are starting to
fall behind. The culture of disrespect and of moral ambiguity is aided by
declining educational standards. In the education system there are three
main problems. The first is an over investment in the fool’s gold of
technology. Schools are awash with tablets and smart boards that cost a
great deal and add little. The European countries with the best education
systems have classrooms that are utilitarian and technology free, where
children write with pens and read actual books, and the only thing the board
is connected to is the wall. Not every developed country has bought into the
hope of technological utopia. The second problem is low selectivity in
teacher training. In Finland, getting into teacher training school is as
selective and as prestigious as getting into medical school. In other
European countries teachers are respected as a profession. In North
America it’s difficult to imagine a doctor viewing a teacher as their
intellectual and social equal. Added to these two problems is the value
placed on education. American students are much less likely to graduate
than other developed countries. They spend significantly less time studying
than every single European country except Slovenia. Yet North American
children have more over scheduled lives, being driven from one
extracurricular activity to another. In contrast, European children study
harder, but spend more time with their families, more time sleeping, more
time eating healthy food, and less time on medication. There is still a culture
of literature and scholarship. On his travels in Europe Dr. Leonard Sax was
shocked at how literary and cultured tech workers were and that computer
coders could speak multiple foreign languages. He wryly noted, “The Brits
write technical documents as if they were English Literature majors.”
With this onslaught North American children are increasingly fragile.
There is an innate assumption of greatness among recent generations of
children and young adults. This assumption has been nurtured then
promoted by parents and teachers. The child is told how brilliant they are,
how clever they are, how wonderful they are. With these assumptions
inculcated from an early age children are not ready for failure. When
teenagers eventually fail tests anxiety and depression soon follow, there is
little inner strength. Young men lacking in inner strength are particularly
vulnerable, retreating into the safety of video games and the internet if real
life isn’t turning out so great.
One of the main reasons for this fragility is the breaking of bonds across
generations. Parents are too busy. Grandparents often live far away, as do
other extended family members. Local communities with shared values have
broken down. With this breaking of bonds there are few people to show
children that there should be a willingness to fail, followed by hard work,
further learning, a reattempt, renewed strength at a task, then eventually
success. These are life’s lessons that train a child. Simply telling a child they
are intrinsically wonderful dooms them to failure. To be sure they need
unconditional love, but praise of the actual process of the work, rather than
praising their innate greatness, is what benefits them.
This generational bond is so fundamental to raising your children. With
the nomadic lives many people now live it is true that grandparents might
live many miles away. This doesn’t stop parents fighting to spend every
moment with their child in order to loosen the bondage of technological
devices or the pull of peer-group pressure. In Switzerland elementary
schools have a two-hour lunch break such that a child can lunch with one of
their parents. In the Netherlands schools close on Wednesday afternoons,
with employers giving employees Wednesday afternoons off to spend with
their children. These policies might not be attainable in North America, but
they show the importance of spending time with your children whenever
you can. This time should be spent doing things together, even meaningless
things. It could mean lying on the grass staring at the sky together, walking
to the store, and especially having dinner together. It could mean hiking or
cycling. It could mean a craft. It doesn’t mean doing more scheduled
educational activities or teaching. It certainly doesn’t mean yet more urban
shopping trips that further emphasize a shallow consumer culture wherein
success is measured by spending power, possessions, and occupation. This
quality time weans the child from peer pressure and helps them to learn
values spanning generations.
Two of the very best values to teach your children are conscientiousness
and humility. The best predictor of future success is conscientiousness. This
trait includes self-control, honesty, hard work, and integrity. It predicts
better health, happiness, and a longer life. It protects against substance
abuse, addiction, obesity, and even Alzheimer’s disease. Parents teach
conscientiousness by setting an example. To become a better parent you
need to become a better person. If you are married to various electronic
devices it’s very difficult to tell your children to abstain. If you eat junk food,
value shopping, and believe status is obtained through your occupation, or
your wealth, car, or house, then it’s impossible to teach your children to be
conscientious. The first step is to sort out your own values. The second is to
establish rules in the house. Toddlers should be doing easy chores, even if
only helping to clear the table. All children from a very young age need a set
bedtime. In their bedroom, and in your bedroom, there should be no
electronic devices. Then they need to learn to eat wholesome food, that
dessert is a pleasant, occasional reward, that if they don’t want to eat their
vegetables they can go hungry. Children need to be taught un-American
values such as self-restraint. They need to be praised for working at a task,
not for being naturally brilliant. They also need unconditional love and
affection. Young children do not need to be asked their opinion. It is enough
that a parent tells them to do something. Teenagers also need rules and
telling what to do, though in their case an explanation of the rules makes
sense, even if they do not agree. These household rules are non-negotiable.
The second value is that other un-American trait of humility. Here the
correct definition of humility is crucial. Humility is not acting stupid when
you know you are smart. That’s not humility, that’s psychosis, a detachment
from reality. Humility is being interested in other people regardless of
wealth, status, or profession. It’s learning from them and admiring them,
even if they are a chef from Tunisia. It means listening. Humility means
recognizing your shortcomings and lack of all-round brilliance. And it
means not having an inflated sense of self-esteem and importance. Humility
leads to contentment, appreciation, and gratitude.
 The challenge, then, is to schedule less for your children and enjoy the
time that you spend with your children and family. Complaining about how
busy you are or how little sleep you have is an American disease and is often
a boast dressed up as a complaint. Sleep is essential as is getting off the
medication treadmill. It’s also essential to hang around like-minded parents.
This doesn’t mean retreating further into the Muslim ghetto. It doesn’t
mean looking only Eastwards. And it doesn’t mean isolationism, nor anti-
Americanism. It means finding people with shared, slightly old-fashioned
virtues who value integrity, humility, conscientiousness, and the willingness
to try, fail, then try again. These values were traditionally found throughout
North America and Europe, and are still there to be tapped into. It also
means rules, politeness, chores, and discipline, but coupled with
unconditional love and affection. It doesn’t mean being an austere and aloof
parent. You should still be loving and close to your children. But most of all
it means pulling one’s family out of the present culture of disrespect and
nonsense that has sprung up over the last twenty years. Set the example.
You may not be the perfect example of integrity but don’t be paralyzed by
your inadequacies or those dark places in your soul. You have to try your
best, and in the process you must abstain from the current, popular tech-
created culture of nothingness, consumption, and nihilism wherein a man
named Trump can take over the asylum.