3:46 AM – 5/29/2021

Letter to Oxygen
Dear Oxygen,

Why does my happiness rely on you? Why can’t I sleep when things are not fine
between us ? I know you can take it cool . I know you can handle your emotions
but I really can’t ! Maybe some years later when I will read this writing I will
laugh so hard but today , I am feeling the pain badly.

I called you so many times. You did not pick up. Maybe you are angry. Maybe
you are so different from me. You have your own way to show anger. You are
different person. You are not like me . I am the kind of girl who will be angry
with you but still will want to talk to you. I want to fight with when I am angry. I
want to pinch you to fight more with me. I want to extend the conversation in
any way . I block you but expect you to call me from different number. I want to
talk to you till the middle of the night. I want to go to a beautiful place with we
can enjoy together. People say that I am in deeply love with you and it is
impossible for me to live without you. Everyone can see how restless I feel
when we have a fight. I can’t sleep properly without hearing your voice. I can’t
sleep when I break your heart or you break my heart. I can’t express that how
much I love you. Yes, I was in love before but , you it’s very different. I always
want to end up with you. I am obsessed with you. For some reason , I really
trust you. I was cheated on before for many times . I should not trust anybody
but deep inside my heart I trust you. I trust that you will not do anything
intentionally that breaks me. Yes, you made me feel broken many times but I
always consider you as a baby. For me, you are like a baby. No matter how
angry I am, I think that it’s just a baby who does not understand what hurts me,
but once he understands, he will not hurt me. I don’t know if I am right or no,
but I think you love me. You love me right?

I am not saying that I did not hurt you. I have hurt you so many times by saying
so many things. You also forgave me. Trust me, I am very grateful for that. You
also tried to keep the promise that you made me. I am not a God. I can’t always
see if you’re keeping your promise or not. But I can feel that you tried to give
your best. I appreciate it . But sometimes I feel that you don’t want to talk to
me. You don’t want to give me what I want. I think you are trying but do not
understand me at all. I try to sacrifice many things for you. But sometimes I do
not want to sacrifice some things. Sometimes I wish that you think of my
happiness. Yes, my happiness is when I am with you but I want to be with you a
romantic place. I expect you to surprise me. I expect you to give me roses. I
expect you to love me the way I love you. I know you love me but you should
increase the love because, I love you like crazy. Sometimes I can not express
how much I love you because I get too scared of expressing.

The last fight was not good for us. The things I said were bad. The things you
said to me were hurtful. I am sorry and you should be sorry too. But now matter
how much I fight with you, I can’t survive without you. I go crazy if I do not keep
in touch with you. I always care about you and your happiness but if I think of
my happiness , is it a crime ? Yes, I want to go to a good a place but if it’s not
with you, I will never be happy. Yes, I want roses, I want teddies, I am a girl , I
have romantic needs. But if anyone does it for me, it will never make me happy.
It is only you who can make me happy. I can never get bored of talking to you.
Maybe you can get bored but I can’t. I can’t have enough of you. I know I am
not the best girl. Maybe I should be more mature but, I need your support. You
should support me and try to understand me. I want nothing, just some love. If
I am wrong, tell me I am wrong but in a loving way. Sometimes you show me
that you love me. Will it be so hard for you if you talk to me for one extra hour
at night? Will it be so hard for you to take me to a romantic place and kiss on my
cheeks for 3 times in a row again? I will try hard to shower my love on you. We
both have some expectations and needs, can we help each other in fulfilling
them?

All I know is that I need you for every breath I take. Yes, you can call yourself my
Oxygen. No boy in the world can make me happy except you. No billionaire , no
famous hero , no superstar can make me forget you because carbon dioxide or
nitrogen can not do what Oxygen does. This is why I am ready to plant trees as
much as I can but to plant those trees I will need seeds and water from you. I
know it sounds lame to you but for me you’re my oxygen. I feel suffocated
without you. I apologize for cutting some trees but you should also feel sorry for
burning up fire in my heart that caused me to cut trees.

This is letter just to make you understand that I never want to lose you. I have
given you more than 2 years of my life. I have made mistakes, you have made
mistakes. We both are growing together. But if we behave totally like grownups
we can be so happy together. Will you try to understand me? I always try to
understand you but sometimes I fail because I expect you to understand me.

Your Crazy Lover,

Gardener