"Good Girls Don't Tell" is a documentary on sexual assault in a rural college town in west Texas.

Hear the stories of survivors and how they live with their experiences.

Script:
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troubles going on within the Greek
system the university selecting members
of a task force while it's also dealing
with national headlines plastered all
over some Texas Tech protesters saying
no means no
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they're going to be waiting for you in a
dark corner or a dark alley and that's
not true
they're going to be your best friend
they're going to be someone you're close
to someone you know they're going to be
the guy you're going to dinner with or
to a party to with or you trust I think
that all women get raped the problem
with race and rape is how it's handled
if a white girl gets raped then the
world stops but if a minority gets raped
then it's like oh that happens all the
time I think that's one thing that young
girls don't realize just because you've
met a guy a few times it doesn't mean
that you know him even if he has friends
that you know mutually that will vouch
for him it still doesn't mean anything
so that wasn't in my mind that rape was
like that at the time
I grew up in a very conservative home
always went to small private schools we
were brought up middle-class very
religious in this bubble so when I came
to this giant University and was away
from my parents for the first time it
was terrifying and overwhelming and I
just didn't do well in this environment
I think it was just too much too fast
I watched anime I mean outside of doing
that I guess I like clothes I try to
participate in fashion shows and
modeling in them it's pretty much it um
usually I never really went to parties
because mainly I didn't I guess I didn't
like the things that they did
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originally I came here for electrical
engineering yeah I quickly found out
that was not for me I like to hike and
camp whenever I got the time to do that
I like to travel definitely love road
trips I like to read that's fun oh I
like to play video games
I've always liked to play video games
I'm an only child so when I was a kid I
had to entertain myself by myself so I
played video games so my family is very
southern a southern white Baptist kind
of feel they are very much the kind of
family that if you don't make an A then
it's failing and if you make like a 95
then why didn't you make a hundred if
you make a hundred then why celebrate
because that's the standard so they
chose all my classes while I was in high
school and I left high school with a 4.7
GPA so I had tons of scholarships like
full rides but I was so burnt out so I
wanted to take more control over my life
and of course I joined the military
I don't go to parties anymore I stopped
doing that because they aren't fun when
I was dancing and stuff I noticed that
guys would like to go behind me one guy
even tried to grab me in places that he
shouldn't have even been grabbing so
after that experience I'm like I'm not
doing this anymore I'm in a same-sex
marriage so you're going to hear me
reference her this is going to be really
personal I've recently been diagnosed
with bipolar disorder yeah and that was
me noticing like hey you're getting
really upset about things that you
shouldn't and I've been dealing with the
new medication and it's been going
pretty well I was on a regimen and
everything but then I developed a rash
and apparently this one type of
medication happens to cause that so I
went and I saw my doctor who told me to
stop taking it immediately and certain
drugs like this it's really difficult to
do that to a person well I was outed I
was actually added to my mom a couple
times and my family is very anti-gay
well I was outed in the eighth grade and
there was a lot of shame and it was very
much like what if people were to find
out when I finally came out to my mom
after high school I left for the
military so quickly because she gave me
30 days to get out
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what qualifies me to speak on the topic
of rape is not my handful of credentials
rather what qualifies me is that I was
raped gang raped in the military by six
soldiers who I outrank surviving the
brutality and traumatizing event is what
makes me and all survivors of rape
experts on this topic that was very
powerful
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who does this person go to who does the
victim turn to someone that won't
possibly question they're in the the
veracity of their statements also and
I'll get into this in a little later but
a rape isn't just of a woman's body or a
man's body it's also of their mind
emotion and spirit and so it's
debilitating to come out of that when
you're all by yourself after having been
traumatized you question everything that
you knew prior to the rape you are
filled with so much doubt that you've
even questioned whether or not reporting
is a good idea
it might seem safer just to run into
your dorm or your room or someplace away
from everyone else and hide I felt bad
because I let it get to that point I
should have left or broken up with him
earlier but I was so concerned about his
well-being and his health because he was
my best friend you know even before we
got together I was at one of my friends
houses I knew him from high school so I
known him for like six years for the
size of the house it was pretty big
there were about 20 people there people
were inside and outside with music
playing I know about like seven or eight
people so my close circle was there was
a typical evening there was a group of
us that knew the guy hosting the party
fairly well from high school instead of
drunk driving back to Dallas we just
decided to stay the night crash there I
met him through friends at home but at
orientation that was when I really met
him I remember I would always try to get
him to see me to see my value to
understand
I really liked him we constantly messed
around but mentally I was tired of
trying to prove my worth to someone so I
stopped but we still stayed in contact
yeah so that day I remember fighting
with my spouse and I just it was for no
reason something about one of the kids
and I was just upset for no reason just
angry and so I went to run an errand and
when I ran the errand I just like cooled
down and got my head straight
damn I flipped out for no reason and
then I just felt guilty and ashamed so I
did what no person should do in a
situation where they're having a mental
breakdown I got paired with the only
other sergeant that was there and he
seemed really cool he seemed really nice
so I was there for two weeks with
nothing to do and he was really into
working out and so was I so he was
starting to go to the gym and he asked
me and some other people to go with him
so we did and then he invited us to his
home to meet his wife and our group the
day before I left he had this kind of
house party and he kept making jokes
with me about like oh he weren't gay I
would totally try it
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but one misconception would be that rape
is a sex crime rape is not a sex crime
Raik rape is a crime of violence
second only to murder and I would say
that the only difference in the severity
of the crime is that rape victims live
through it I would say it is a
misconception that men can't be raped
while one in three females have been
raped or will be raped in their lifetime
one in six males will be raped in their
lifetime I think it is a misconception
that there is such a thing as an
irrational fear of rape or rape phobia
there is no such thing as an irrational
fear of rape because rape is because the
fear of rape is a rational response to a
real and present danger that exists in
society not a perceived danger also as
children we are often taught to fear
strangers I consider this to be a
misconception because in reality we are
more likely to be sexually assaulted by
someone that we know or even by a
relative than by a stranger
it is a grave misconception that the
victim wanted it does she enjoyed it
that she somehow asked for it to happen
to her again I think this goes back to
this idea of sort of the virtue of
manliness that's surely a woman would
enjoy that sexual experience it is a
myth that a woman is lying and I say
this because I hear a lot of doubts when
others hear a woman speak of rape in
that and to even assume that possibly
she's wrong to me is an error in
thinking because I think it is safer to
believe all accounts of reported rape
and be wrong less than 5% of the time
than it is to assume that
and finally of course it is a myth that
no means yes yes is a deliberate and
conscious and consensual yes
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it's very hard to make sense of how this
all went down
I wasn't thick I was walking fine I
wasn't out of faculties it I do remember
one point later on at the night when I
just wanted to stop drinking I wanted to
go to bed I had a boyfriend I was just
done so Tim was like let me get you a
glass of water it was water not alcohol
so I was like fine and I took the glass
that was significant because at the time
I didn't know that date rape drugs
couldn't be detected in water I trusted
him he had been there over thousand
times and I asked him what he was doing
and he said he didn't have any more
classes that day so he wanted to just
hang out he asked me to give him a back
massage because that's what I always did
after he workout so I did and I started
to kiss him and stuff but he he told me
to stop so I stopped and I was like okay
fine whatever I went and got a six-pack
of beer and I called my friend my best
friend at the time and I just said hey
can I like come to your house and just
like cool off and he was at work anyway
so he was just gonna let me in just to
like watch TV and chill he was aware he
was aware of what I was going through
with my medication he was aware what I
was dealing with with my bipolar issues
and when I got there I was in tears
bawling and I just kept saying I just
lost it so he was aware of the situation
and on top of that I was drinking and he
got me a lot drunker or a lot more drunk
than I thought I was and I think my
drink was actually spiked I remember
getting really dizzy and then trying to
sleep and I remember bits and pieces but
I remember him and I remember not being
able to do anything because I was too
drunk
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I've seen the media you know common
conversations between groups of people
where they will you know again go back
to that blaming the victim it's much
easier for society to blame the victim
than it is to realize that there are
perpetrators that are committing these
violent acts on a regular basis it's
much easier to blame the victim
who has been deemed helpless that
doesn't compose to be much of a threat
to society than it is to to focus on the
threat
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so that was at the end of the night at
some point everyone was asleep and it
was just Tim and I up I remember him
coming towards me on the couch I was
backing away I remember telling him I
remember him crawling on top of me and I
said no don't you can't remember him
tugging at my pants and that's all that
I remember about that night and when I
went there it was supposed to be a
sit-down like peace and quiet but there
was a kickback going on you know like a
party so I didn't say anything I just
sat there and eventually we got into a
little argument in front of everybody
and he was like going to the room and
I'm like no so he grabs my arm so hard
that I left a mark and he's like go in
the room so I go in the room and I'm in
there for like 30 or 40 minutes so I
fall asleep and he comes in and he's
like wake up I didn't think he could get
any worse what can be worse than getting
beat and usually when he hits me we are
we have makeup sex and it's always
consensual but not this time it it
wasn't like that it wasn't I wasn't
aroused so I got up and I tried to put
on my clothes and he throws me on the
floor and I wasn't into it at all I had
never
Anil before I had never even thought
about doing anal and it hurt so bad and
it went on for like 15 to 20 minutes but
that was the longest the longest thing
ever and then he like forces himself
inside of me and I felt so violated
I shouldn't have felt like that
especially with the person that I was
with what I think makes me feel so
guilty and ashamed is that I don't
really remember any of it I just
remember a flash of bodies together I
couldn't even tell you what position I
couldn't tell you on a couch on a bed on
a chair or on the roof I couldn't even
tell you just like physical bodies and
so about five days later I kind of
things start to come back and so I asked
him I said did we have sex and he said
are you serious
and I said no really did we have sex and
he said yes so I don't know if he
assumed that I remembered I'm not really
sure and then he just kept apologizing
and apologizing and then I don't really
remember what I said to him but he
responded and he said I just knew that I
would never get the chance again but I
feel very shameful and regretful and
guilty that I don't really remember it
that maybe I could have possibly egged
it on but at the same time he knew that
I was not in my right mind
I mean it was obvious it was like slap
you in your face kind of obvious he knew
that my my reactions my emotions were
not that of a sound conscious mind he
was sober he was conscious he was
supposed to be responsible
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there's also internalized sexism where
women have been hearing for years and
years watch what you wear watch your
drink don't go home with that person and
instead of teaching her anything
positive it's actually teaching her if
you do get raped it's your fault because
you weren't careful enough and we just
see it over and over again whether it be
in pop culture in novels on the internet
and it's just reiterated to young women
and young men over and over again as
well I mean they hear and see these
things too and so they they make it it
becomes in your brain well she should
have prevented it she shouldn't have
warned that his wife helped me to a room
where I could sleep and she was moving
things around on the bed so that I could
lay down and then he came in and I was
just saying like no I'm gonna go to
sleep and then they were both undressing
me and she was just kind of saying no
it's fine it's okay don't worry about it
it's fine I know that she was definitely
lying next to me when it happened she's
trying to keep me calm trying to keep me
from fighting it was like I was feeling
it from the outside like it wasn't
really me it was happening and I could
see it happening but it wasn't me I
think I slept just long enough until I
was sober enough to wake up and when I
woke up I felt really felt really
confused and it was
very scary and a very overwhelming and
then to see him lying on the bed next to
me and her next to him and we just lying
there naked kind of panicked I grabbed
my clothes and I was really really quiet
and I left and I got in my pickup and I
drove two blocks away and I just sat
there for a while
he got it and he didn't look like the
person I always felt like he looked when
he got it he took off my bottoms my top
half was still on but my bodies are off
so I started to push him and he kept
moving my arms and he literally grabbed
them I didn't scream because I thought
that it would ruin his life if I did
that so I just I just cried that moment
just struck me as nothing even in the
state I was in knew that there would be
nothing that I could say he wasn't
listening
it wasn't registering it I was no longer
the person he was just talking to as
another human being it's just a switch
that happened there's no emotion I want
to express that any emotion is a normal
reaction to rate there is no there
really isn't a normal reaction to rate
so I'm trying to say so all emotions are
free game so to speak but there are
certain ones that are more common
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it is not just a physical thing it's the
emotional it's the spiritual and it's
very cognitive and mental in many many
levels even more so I would say for
survivors because after the rape your
body is generally not at the same level
of danger even though your mind emotion
spirit is on constant alert that it is
going to happen again
I told a good friend of mine and she was
pissed she said you know you were raped
and I guess at this point I sound like
I'm defending him because I want to take
responsibility it's just easier to just
take responsibility and she said Nicole
you were raped he's disgusting and then
she asked me why I wasn't going to the
cops as his word versus mine and
apparently his word is saying that I
egged it on and I'm in a same-sex
marriage in Lubbock Texas it that's it's
just a recipe for more humiliating
experiences for me and I don't even
think anything would happen to him at
all you just don't it's part of rape
culture that we tell women that they are
going to be blamed for their rape and if
they go to law enforcement they think
that they will be blamed or that they
don't have enough evidence they know
that that's also starting a process
where they may have to confront their
rapist where they may have to tell their
family their friends people that they
know that they were sexually assaulted
and they may not want to do that I
remember we used to all hang out we
would all go together to get dinner at
Sam's I remember we were all sitting
down and he was just talking that night
I didn't even want to be there but I
went
I remember we got onto we got onto that
topic and he says want to know how you
know you did a good job when you make
her cry and when I got home I was just
crying the only thing I can think about
was man I wish my dad was there until
this day he still doesn't know nobody
knows I told my best friend at the time
but you know so I get in the shower and
I stay in there for a really long time
because I'm bleeding and I throw my
pants away I guess I could have washed
him but the memories would have stayed
so I just threw away everything I was
away I think that I blamed myself
because I was brought up in a good home
where good girls didn't go out and drink
like I did we're taught abstinence until
marriage I had lost my virginity a year
or two before I don't they
that I deserved the same amount of
respect as a girl who kept herself pure
should get I think at that point I just
I lost the ability to care at all I was
reckless with my drinking my attitude my
behavior because at that point it it
didn't matter if I lived people always
ask me I never said anything my freshman
year but how is someone who messed
around a lot so who would believe it
people do that
all the time I'm like who would even
believe it I think we still live in a
culture where as soon as a woman says
she was raped in their minds if not
verbally people say I wonder what she
did
people still the the automatic is she
did something to get herself raped and
women know that we're taught that
implicitly and explicitly from the
moment that we start going out into the
world alone and so I think a lot of
people just don't want to face that it
was so hard I had begin to develop these
thoughts that anything that happened in
my life was my fault and I really wanted
to kill myself but people needed me and
that's what kept me around my sister
needed me there's times where she'd see
me crying or wiping my eyes or I'd walk
out of my room with my eyes ready one
day I just laid in her lap and I cried
she didn't know what was going on and
she's so young she's like eight years
younger than me she's like nine and she
just let me cry and I really needed that
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it is my hope that the Women's Studies
department has had it all across the
world to teach the history of feminism
rape culture the future and that one day
when I ask you to raise your hand you
know someone who's been a victim of
abuse
no one will research with all of these
things to happen if you will know
everything our voices have been turned
and our work is done we are 1 billion
rising and in this moment you can feel
safe we can dance we can love and beacon
a change it is also paramount I feel
this is something that we can all do is
to view survivors as heroic not victims
not the helpless victims such as very
good question but to view them as heroic
and brave and courageous for not only
living through the experience but for
countering community rejections and
criticisms eventually I decided to move
out of my parents house and I got my own
place and decided to go back to a real
school a community college so it was
just these really incremental baby steps
eventually it became bigger steps and
and now I can look back at these small
steps and be so grateful the small
amount of bravery it took just to get up
and do something even if it seemed so
small and insignificant
that's what walks me right through my
healing process I'm not going after the
person who did this to me so the least I
can do is get my story out there and
maybe put a face to a certain type of
sexual assault that maybe flies under
the radar that maybe people don't
realize is sexual assault I feel
violated
and from what I understand the person
that did this to me knows that it was a
violation and so it's important for the
story to be told because I feel like
it's not the first time that it's
happened consent is taken too lightly
consent is often seen as just a yes no
matter the circumstances that's the
problem with rape culture there are no
boundaries practiced when in reality
there are certain boundaries that are
necessary when it comes to a person's
autonomy it's so hard to heal and I
thought I can do it alone but I couldn't
do it alone and you really need to talk
to someone it's a lot easier said than
done I think it's just start at home
with parents telling their children
their self-worth I didn't know my
self-worth and not saying that kids with
self-worth can't get raped but I just
think that if you you have self-worth
you won't be like me and put yourself in
a situation like that but now I know my
self-worth and I love myself so
I actually went to counseling and it
really helps my future seems bright and
I feel like I can overcome this and then
I can help others before something
happens to them or if they just need
someone to relate to or talk to if
something does happen
I think that sexual partners need to
know that it's an invasion of your body
your mental space your spirit that you
have to be patient with the trauma that
will come up in sexual relationships the
idea that it doesn't affect women that
much her or that it goes away once the
physical wounds are gone is just a
misunderstanding that people need to
come to terms with just takes a lot of
time you know The Scarlet Letter story
let's remove that Scarlet Letter because
not a single woman or male that has ever
raped asked for it never wanted it to
happen did nothing to deserve it nothing
you know I hear the stories all she was
drunk who cares she could be drunk naked
dancing in the middle of a table that
doesn't condone rape that isn't her
asking to be raped
that is her expressing herself that's
all that is and so I think that the
misconceptions that there are some women
that deserve it that good girls don't
get raped we need to get that out of
society because it's hurting those of us
that have been raped that don't want to
be bad girls because we didn't do
anything to ask for everyone heals in a
different way and that process is a long
one and we'll have lots of different
periods and so I would say you know if
it feels powerful to you if it feels
healing to tell your story then do and
if you do want to tell that story I can
assure you that there is another young
woman or young man out there who has
also been assaulted and will hear it and
know that they're not alone
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you
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