The Very Bad Girl Scouts

THE VERY BAD GIRL SCOUTS
______________________
A full-length comedy by
John P. McEneny
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The Very Bad Girl Scouts © 2014 John P. McEneny
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
GROOSELDA GANSPICKER, female, President of the

Schwalm-Eder Youth Rifle League. A girl desperate for
friendship.
DAGOBERT GANSPICKER, male, President of the Volkssport
non-competitive walking club and twin brother of Grooselda.
HEIDI, female, Grooselda's most devoted friend.
PEPPER, female, Girl Scout Leader of Pack 144. The Muscle.
MAD DOG, female, Girl Scout. Poisons expert.
RASHIDA, female, Girl Scout. Black belt and numb chuck
expert.
TOASTITO, female, Girl Scout. Communications Director.
FRANKIE, female, Girl Scout. Head of Development.
MANDY CHEDDARHAWK, female, Former Girl Scout.
BURTON, male, Mandy's boyfriend. Professional male model.
LAURA DILLMAN, female, leader of the Friendless Club.
BORATEAM, male or female, member of the Friendless Club.
NATTY MELAMED, female, member of the Friendless Club.
JEFF, male or female, member of the Friendless Club.
DUNCAN, male, President of the Detective Club.
SLICEY DUDA, male or female, Duncan's assistant.
GLEN, male, assistant manager at the GAP.
COUSIN KLARA, female or male, Heidi's sickly cousin.
MISS LICK, female, den mother and mad scientist for troop
144.
SETTING
Mountainside town of Schwalm-Eder in Germany,

Consumption Middle School in New Jersey, The Boiler Room,
the underground lair of the Girl Scouts, The Gap, Heidi's
Grandfather's home on top of the Wüstegarten mountain. All
settings can be suggested with musical cues implying space.
NOTES
If your school is very sensitive to the issue of guns, then it's

not impossible to replace them with bows and arrows, billy
clubs or the like. While to this author those seem no less
violent, we live in complicated times. Also, please feel free to
replace the Starsky and Hutch or Hello Kitty references as
necessary with ones that are appropriate for your production.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The Very Bad Girl Scouts was first performed in Brooklyn, NY

at Piper Theatre Productions in July 2010 with Karenna Lief as
Grooselda, Josh Walden as Dagobert, and Julia Moore as
Pepper with choreography by Julie Klein. The play was
remounted in July 2012 with Anna Aronson as Grooselda,
Henry Pines as Dagobert, and Meredith Hackett as Pepper
with choreography by Ryan Healey and Mollie Lief. Both
productions were staged by the author.
Dedicated to Rachel McEneny, my first friend.
6 John P. McEneny
SCENE 1
(The marshes in the small German town of Schwalm-Eder. A
young girl, GROOSELDA, 13, is in full rifle gear: ear plates,
orange life vest, and a small bore .22 rifle. She looks like the girl
on the Swiss Miss cocoa ads with long blonde braids but with
strong and determined eyes. She is unhappy. She points the gun
in the air, aims, and a loud blast is heard. Her friend, HEIDI,
enters carrying a dead pigeon. They have thick German accents.)
HEIDI: Gute Arbeit, Grooselda! Good shot as always! I shall
bring this carcass back to my Grandfather and we will have a
feast!
GROOSELDA: You are better than a bloodhound. I cannot
believe this is to be our last afternoon pigeon shooting
together, my dearest friend.
HEIDI: It is so unfair. You are my best friend, Grooselda. We
have been closer than sisters. I will be destroyed if you leave.
GROOSELDA: I know. My papa is a monster to separate us
so.
HEIDI: Without you I am nothing. Without you, this school is
nothing. Without you the town of Schwalm-Eder will be lost.
And what will happen to the rifle team? Without your
leadership, those morons from Kurhessen Middle School will
thwart our efforts at regionals and will win at Schützenverein
again.
GROOSELDA: Don't say such lies. I cannot endure thinking
of that pathetic Kurhessen girl, Adelaide Rührend, holding the
Golden Hedgehog. I hate her. And her form is pitiful. The
judges pity her because she only has one eye.
HEIDI: It is true. Schwalm-Eder will lose all the regionals and
then the Schützenverein and the golden hedgehog will belong
to one-eyed Adelaide Rührend. And you know it. You are the
© John P. McEneny
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
The Very Bad Girl Scouts 7
strongest and most accurate shot in all of Schwalm-Eder. No

girl possesses your aim and determination. No one.
GROOSELDA: Is true. Oh Heidi, what is my papa thinking
taking me from our beloved little home in Schwalm-Eder and
moving us to Consumption, New Jersey?
HEIDI: I could hide you under my bed. I would like that very
much.
GROOSELDA: Nein. Oh goose feathers! Here comes my
perfect brother. The prince of the Ganspicker household! The
only gleam in Papa's eye. Dagobert thinks he's so much more
than me just because of his so-called middle school popularity.
HEIDI: He is not so very popular. It's not like he can shoot a
Heym Express Magnum 24-millimeter barrel.
GROOSELDA: No. But he did start the Volkssport non-
competitive walking club and he's president of the Young
Bavarians. All the girls fawn over him and the boys—eh—they
fawn over him as well. I walk the hallways invisible.
HEIDI: You should wear your rifle medals on your jumper.
GROOSELDA: I don't want to appear pompous.
HEIDI: Who cares how many people like you, Grooselda? I
like you very much. That should count for a lot.
GROOSELDA: But soon it shall be just me and my brother in
Consumption, New Jersey. I will have to make new friends.
And in his shadow, it will be impossible. And who could like
me? I am a plain and simple-faced girl with a unique and
unappreciated gift for hunting and marksmanship.
(Enter DAGOBERT. He is Grooselda's twin brother. He is
wearing traditional Lederhosen.)
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8 John P. McEneny
DAGOBERT: Schnell! Schwester! I have searched all of

Schwalm-Eder looking for you. I should have known you
would spend your last day pigeon shooting in the swamps
with your odd friend, Heidi.
(He does not care for Heidi.)
Guten Tag, Fräulein Heidi. I hope your grandfather is feeling
better.
HEIDI: Dankeschön, Herr Dagobert. I suppose you're finally
happy about taking your sister out of the only home she has
ever known and from the arms of her only confidant and
kamerad?
DAGOBERT: Oh yes! New Jersey is going to be a wonderful
adventure! We're going to be real American teenagers just like
on Satellite Television!
HEIDI: You're going to get fat. Americans are very fat. And
they love violence and saturated cooking oils. Terrible
misfortunes will befall you!
DAGOBERT: Nyet! Heidi, I do not understand your
desperate perspiration. From what place comes all of this
Sturm und Drang? Schwalm-Eder has been a beautiful place to
grow up. I will always remember its blue skies, temperate
climate, and the good friends I've made in the Young
Bavarians. But it is too small a place to hold all of my dreams.
And besides, Papa's work has transferred him. He must go.
We must follow opportunity when it calls. Come on,
Schwester. Papa has packed up the Volkswagen and it's time
to get on the autobahn. Say goodbye to Fräulein Heidi.
(Perhaps the beginning musical strains to "99 Luftbaloons" by
Nena—Neu Deutsche Welle version is heard in the distance.)
GROOSELDA: (To Dagobert:) Here, Dagobert. Hold my rifle.
(To Heidi:) Goodbye, my only friend. Soon the winds of time
© John P. McEneny
and distance will make our bond only a faint memory. I will
forget all those long childhood mornings braiding each other's
hair, stuffing our mouths with warm liverwurst, and the hours
of target practice out here in the marshes. I will forget the
thousands of beautiful pigeons whose angelic flights I've
ended with my keen sharpsmanship. You have been a good
friend. Auf Wiedersehen, my bloodhound. It will be hard to
replace your loyalty.
HEIDI: It will be impossible. Take me with you.
DAGOBERT: No. There is no room in the Volkswagen.
GROOSELDA: No, Heidi, you must stay behind and take care
of your blind grandfather and invalid cousin, Klara.
HEIDI: You must write me every day.
GROOSELDA: No. It will be too painful. I must commit to
this new phase in my life. I must abandon my past, including
you, and find soulmates in Consumption, New Jersey who
will love and accept me for who I am.
HEIDI: Wait. Take this grenade. I've been saving it for your
birthday.
GROOSELDA: Thank you. Goodbye, Heidi!
(She takes the gun from Dagobert's arms and they exit. Heidi is
left alone on stage. She drops her head and walks off, carrying
the dead pigeon.)
© John P. McEneny
10 John P. McEneny
SCENE 2
(Consumption, New Jersey. A girl, MANDY, 12, enters, holding
50 boxes of empty Girl Scout cookies. She is paranoid. She
throws them to the ground. A boy with beautiful hair,
BURTON, 13, enters.)
MANDY: Shut the door. You idiot! Shut the door! You're
letting in the light.
BURTON: Mandy, what's wrong? I thought we were going to
watch ice skating and hold hands. Come on, your mom's not
home. It'll be fun.
MANDY: You don't understand. It's too late. They're going to
find out. They're all going to know.
BURTON: A lot of people enjoy ice skating, Mandy. It's the
most popular sport in the winter Olympics. There's nothing to
be ashamed of. What are all those boxes, Mandy? Are those
Girl Scout cookies? Are those empty Girl Scout cookies? Aren't
you supposed to be selling them for your troop? Where did
you get that kind of money to buy so many boxes, Mandy?
MANDY: I don't have any money. My mother works at the
aquarium store and when the economy is bad, no one has
money to buy exotic fish. Listen to me. (Grabbing Burton:)
Burton, you're going to help me hide the evidence. You have
to help me.
BURTON: I thought we were just going to hold hands and
watch ice skating while your mom was out at Bingo. Vasile
Plushenko is in the nationals. He's our favorite male figure
skater.
MANDY: No one needs to find out, Burton. You're going to
help me.
© John P. McEneny
BURTON: You don't look so good, Mandy. Your eyes are

wild. I haven't seen you like this, well ever.
MANDY: Look we obviously have a problem here. They
could take my badges away. I could be ousted. I could be
excommunicated. I could be...killed.
BURTON: Did you eat all those cookies...yourself?
MANDY: Yes, Burton. I ate them all.
BURTON: But aren't you sworn to only sell your cookies for
good?
MANDY: I know the Girl Scout oath, Burton.
BURTON: Why did you do it? If they find out...oh
crackers...this could be it for you. You don't mess with the Girl
Scouts of America.
MANDY: I know what's at stake. Now I need your help. You
have to help me hide the wrappers and boxes. My mother is
going to be home from bingo any minute and we need to hide
the evidence. We can bury them out by the septic tank.
BURTON: You ate them all?
MANDY: I ate them all, Burton.
(Burton turns away dramatically. His beautiful hair may flip as
well. )
What? You can't look at me anymore? You're ashamed at my
weakness?
BURTON: I would have given you money, Mandy. I have like
300 dollars from my modeling in a fixed term savings account.
I don't think I know you anymore. Why did you have to break
your Girl Scout oath?
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12 John P. McEneny
MANDY: I'm a terrible person. I can't help it. I was weak. I

came home from school and I had like the worst day ever.
Everyone made fun of my new pants and my mom forgot to
make dinner again. And I was waiting here alone for you to
come over.
BURTON: We could have ordered a pizza. I have 300 dollars
from my modeling.
MANDY: And I was very unhappy so I went into the garage
to look at all the boxes that Miss Lick had ordered for the
troop. A giant wall of green boxes filled with all the hope and
promise of girlhood. An American dream of camaraderie,
lanyard making, and outdoor sports all promised in a little
tiny cookie. It started so simply with the thin mints. Just one at
first. A burst of mint cookieness in a chocolate covered hue.
The cold dry bottom hitting my tongue and the gentle but
crisp snap of wafer filling my wet mouth with Girl Scout
goodness.
BURTON: Stop.
MANDY: No, Burton, this is who I am. I ate the Thin Mints.
All 17 boxes.
BURTON: You mean pre-sold boxes of Thin Mints!
MANDY: Yes. Pre-sold. Boxes belonging to neighbors, friends,
members of my church group, my mom's co-workers at The
Friendly Fish Forum. All cookies that I had spent weeks
selling. Peddling. Stacks of boxes just waiting to be happily
delivered by me. And now they will all be denied. My
stomach hurts.
BURTON: You're insane.
MANDY: I couldn't stop.
BURTON: You have a problem.
© John P. McEneny
MANDY: I know. It didn't stop with the Thin Mints. Without

a thought...without a tinge of regret, I moved to the Do-si-dos.
BURTON: I can't hear any more. Stop!
MANDY: Then the Trefoils, the Tagalongs, and even the
Carmel Delights. And I don't even like the Carmel Delights.
BURTON: Saboteur! Someone must like the Carmel Delights
if they had filled out the order sheets. You forgot your duty!
MANDY: No one likes the Carmel Delights.
BURTON: What about your cookie connection badge?
MANDY: I'm never going to get that cookie connection badge
now. I've let down everyone. Everyone. Pepper. Rashida. Mad
Dog. Toastito. Frankie. Miss Lick. My grandmother. The whole
troop. I'm going to be the laughing stock of Consumption,
New Jersey.
BURTON: You have to tell your mom. She's the only one who
can save you from the Girl Scouts.
MANDY: I can't tell my mother. She would kill me. She hates
gluttony. She hates when her customers overfeed the fish. She
is going to kill me. I mean really kill this time. She's got a
temper, especially after bingo. Once when I lost my retainer,
she had to be restrained and tranquilized.
BURTON: Really?
MANDY: I had to slip some Benadryl in her Snapple just to
get her to calm down.
BURTON: You don't look so good.
MANDY: (Becoming hysterical:) I think I may have eaten a
thousand dollars of crap this evening. Maybe we could go to
the A&P and buy a bunch of generic cookies and stuff them
back into the boxes. No one will know the difference. We'll sell
© John P. McEneny
14 John P. McEneny
them to your Aunt Dotty. She's blind and she's always liked
me. It's such a rip off anyway, fifteen cookies in a box for four
bucks! Obscene! That's almost 24 cents a cookie, Burton. Do
you think she has a thousand dollars? She'll never know the
difference.
(Burton spins her around and slaps her.)
Stop! Wait.
BURTON: Did you hear that sound?
MANDY: They're here. They know.
BURTON: I'm getting out!
(Five Girl Scouts enter: PEPPER, RASHIDA, MAD DOG,
FRANKIE, and TOASTITO. They swagger with a confidence
not usually seen in 13-year olds.)
PEPPER: You're going nowhere, salty. You hears me? Mad
Dog, grab the pretty boy.
(Mad Dog grabs Burton.)
BURTON: Please. No. Not my face. I'm a teen model.
MANDY: Pepper, please. You don't understand. Did you
break in? I was sure I locked the front door.
MAD DOG: So we pick a few locks, so what? That's what the
locksmith badge is for.
MANDY: (Approaching Pepper:) Pepper...
PEPPER: You dumb Dora. Get your mitts off the marbles
before I stuff that big yap of yours with a finger sandwich. I'm
guessing by the looks of this sorry sight of empty boxes and
the cookie crust sticking to your chin that you ate the whole
mezuzah, Mandy.
MANDY: Not every cookie. I think I left a Carmel Delight.
© John P. McEneny
FRANKIE: No one likes the Carmel Delight.

PEPPER: It's looking like you cost the Girls Scouts of Troop
424 about a thousand cha-chas. That's what it's looking like to
me.
RASHIDA: Time for her to take the big sleep with the fishes,
boss.
MANDY: No. And fish don't sleep. They don't have eyelids.
RASHIDA: She broke the oath. The Girl Scout oath. She's
gotta be made an example.
FRANKIE: Don't bruise her. We need her.
PEPPER: You know what it took for me to get you into my
pack? You know how many favors I had to grease to get the
scout leaders to even look at your sorry mug? You had it all,
Mandy. Friendship. Camping in the Catskills. Folk arts. Sing-
a-longs. Badges! Hundreds of badges! You don't deserve to be
called a scout.
MANDY: I can pay you girls back. All of it. I promise.
BURTON: She can't. She doesn't have any money. I can give
you 300 dollars. Just let me go—I won't say anything.
MANDY: I can get the money from my mother.
BURTON: Her mother doesn't have that kind of money. She
works at the aquarium store. No one is buying exotic fish
anymore.
MANDY: Pepper, please, Pepper, please, Pepper, please,
please, Pepper. I was your friend. I helped you get your
northeastern botany badge.
PEPPER: Nah. It's too late, Mandaloo. You turned your back
on your oath. You turned your back on us! You got no spine.
You got no scouting spirit.
© John P. McEneny
16 John P. McEneny
TOASTITO: Let me give her a little chin music, boss. This

dumb bunny needs to know she is no better than us. No one
defies the Girl Scout oath.
MANDY: No! Someone help me!
TOASTITO: You're in a heap of Dutch, Mandy. Keep your
pipe down and we'll go easy on ya!
MISS LICK: Don't hurt her yet. We need her alive.
MANDY: No! Burton, do something!
BURTON: I have 300 dollars!
PEPPER: Take him too. We need no witnesses!
MAD DOG: What about the evidence? What about the cookie
boxes?
PEPPER: Torch the place.
(The girls drag Mandy and Burton off to their secret lair. The
sounds of flames and destruction are heard.)
© John P. McEneny
SCENE 3
(A bell rings. Consumption Middle School. Dagobert and
Grooselda are standing in the hallways watching other students
pass. The students are all wearing bright sashes across their
chests that say INSIDER. They also wear orange armbands.
There are two empty chairs. In one chair is an 8 x 10 of Burton
and in the other chair is a picture of a fish. Dagobert is wearing
his very best lederhosen and traditional Wegener hat with a red
feather. Grooselda is wearing a traditional Dirndl dress and
apron. Both have their socks pulled up to their knees. They carry
notebooks with pictures of teenage pop stars that were popular
five years ago. Occasionally a student will pass them and they
will smile desperately, only to have the child pass them by.)
GROOSELDA: These American children are so much bigger
boned than us. Is it true that they eat cheese at every meal?
DAGOBERT: And the boys wear such low rising tight jeans.
There is no room for the breath. There is no room for the
necessary movement that must occur. It is barbaric.
GROOSELDA: I wonder if we shall make some friends today.
It is almost noon and no one has approached us yet with an
offer of friendship.
DAGOBERT: Yes. It is odd. Have you continued to smile,
Grooselda? Positive body language will draw in the friends.
Stop slouching.
GROOSELDA: Don't tell me what to do. You are not the boss
of me.
DAGOBERT: Oh yes, I am, you slope-backed crow. You are to
listen to me. I am six minutes older than you and a boy! Plus I
had more friends than you back in Schwalm-Eder.
GROOSELDA: If Papa would only give me the key to the rifle
locker...
© John P. McEneny
18 John P. McEneny
(A boy named DUNCAN and his assistant, SLICEY, approach.

They are carrying posters and tape. Slicey has two broken elbows
and is having difficulty using the tape. Slicey and Duncan wear
sashes that say "Almost.")
DAGOBERT: Hush...Grooselda! Hush. Now is our
opportunity for attack. Those two fellows do not draw their
eyes away in fear when they see us. They seem somewhat
approachable. It is time for an aggressive appeal for
companionship. Keep your thin-lipped mouth shut!
GROOSELDA: Don't be reckless, brother. Be careful.
(Dagobert approaches Duncan and Slicey like a hunter about to
attack a leopard. Grooselda watches with extreme fear.)
DAGOBERT: Guten Morgen, fellow classmate. My given
name is Dagobert Ganspicker. And this is my twin swester,
Grooselda Ganspicker. We are in the eighth grade with you.
Even though our Central European up bringing has provided
us with rigorous training in geography, philosophy, history,
Latin, cosmology, architecture, and aerodynamics, we will be
mainstreamed with your general education classes. The
Consumption School District has made their final decision. We
look forward to your companionship and sub-standard
curriculum.
DUNCAN: What's geography?
DAGOBERT: Might we have a seat and join your party?
GROOSELDA: My legs are very tired. We've been standing
for hours.
DUNCAN: So you guys didn't go to any classes?
DAGOBERT: We're trying to make friends first. May we sit?
DUNCAN: Sure I guess so. I was just putting up these posters
for the afterschool clubs. You know we have this club...Slicey
© John P. McEneny
and me...it's called the Detective Club...you should really think

about...
(Dagobert and Grooselda begin to sit down in the empty chairs.)
SLICEY: STOP! Right now. No one sits in those chairs. Those
are commemorative folding chairs. No one! How dare you?
How dare you? Not until the mystery is solved.
DAGOBERT: What mystery?
SLICEY: Wowza, you slogs really are outsiders. It seems like
only yesterday but it was almost fourteen days ago. Two
students went missing from Consumption Junior High. And
until Mandy and Burton are found, those seats will remain
unoccupied, waiting for them to return. I don't know how it
works in Iceland for you, but here in the U.S. of A—we still
cling to some hope. We haven't all given up on democracy.
DAGOBERT: I beg your pardon! Germany is a federal
parliamentary republic.
GROOSELDA: Are these the pictures of the missing children?
SLICEY: Yes. They will remain on those chairs until they are
found. It represents their empty presence in our lives.
DAGOBERT: (Looking at the picture of Burton:) Why is boy in
the picture wearing such heavy lipstick?
SLICEY: He was...I mean he IS a teen model. He recently
appeared in the Consumption penny saver.
DAGOBERT: And why is this one a fish?
DUNCAN: That poor fish is all we have of record of
Amandallah Chedderhawk. Her trailer was burned down. Her
mother came back from bingo after winning the King
Kamehameha Ringer, which meant she had won almost 1000
lucky bingo dollars. But it was not Mrs. Chedderhawk's lucky
© John P. McEneny
20 John P. McEneny
day at all. She came home to find her trailer burned to the
ground and no remains of either of the teens. She didn't have
any pictures left so she taped a picture of her favorite fish to
this chair: the Fantail orange filefish. Easy to take care of, easy
to love, and no matter how lost they get, they always return
home. She set up a reward for her daughter's whereabouts in
the amount of $1000.
SLICEY: It's really torn up the entire the entire student body
community, as you might imagine.
DAGOBERT: Is that why everyone is wearing orange
armbands?
DUNCAN: No, that's to bring the Diet Coke machines back to
the cafeteria.
GROOSELDA: Nothing like this could ever happen in
Schwalm-Eder. I wish I was back in Schwalm-Eder. I miss
Heidi and my shotguns.
SLICEY: Are you too good for Consumption? You got a lot to
learn around here, Broom Hilda! If you think you're going to
join the Detective Club then you got another thing to think
about!
DUNCAN: But Slicey, the dean is going to disband our
organization charter if we can't get another member in the
Detective Club. He said we're elitist.
SLICEY: Duncan, please! Why is elitist so bad but elite is like
something great!
DUNCAN: Those are just semantics. You're just frustrated
because of your broken elbows. Let's just give them an
application and...
SLICEY: I said no! I'm not taking these two outsiders in our
club!
© John P. McEneny
(She throws the posters to the ground.)

DUNCAN: Hey Slicey...that's not cool. My dad helped make
these posters.
SLICEY: Duncan, we need to hang these recruiting posters in
all the high visibility zones. We need real members. Not losers
like these two. They'll just bring us down lower.
(She storms out.)
DUNCAN: I'm sorry. She's right. You guys should really try
the Outsider Club. They're meeting today in Room 309. It's
your best bet. And don't worry about Slicey. She's still sore
about her broken elbows. She broke them last year and they
just won't heal. So now she has to walk around all funny. Like
this. Kids make fun of her.
(He imitates either a robot or a Barbie Doll.)
SLICEY: (Off:) Duncan! I'm waiting!
DUNCAN: Oh hey wait. Here's my card. If that doesn't work
out, the Detective Club meets on Tuesdays at 3:30 in the boiler
room. I'll be looking into you.
(Duncan runs off.)
DAGOBERT: I say we take our chances with this Outsider
club.
GROOSELDA: Ja. I shall bring the bundt cake. We shall try to
convince them of our generosity by giving them baked goods.
(Grooselda and Dagobert exit.)
© John P. McEneny
22 John P. McEneny
SCENE 4
(Bell rings. Consumption Junior High School. LAURA
DILLMAN, head of the Outsiders Club, stands center. She is
addressing five new students. She gets to wear a crown. She
wears a sash that says "Insider." NATTY, BORATEAM, and
JEFF are seated with Laura Dillman in the middle. They are
wearing nametags. Borateam has an eye patch and a small white
mouse.)
BORATEAM: Are you like the student council president or
something?
LAURA DILLMAN: I'm more of an ambassador really. A link
between the known world here at Consumption Junior High
and the other world which we don't know. Your world. The
outsider world. I am a bridge. An arch. A bond. And today...
(Long pause. Lowering her voice:) ...it is my honor to say with the
simplest of words: Welcome, my new friends. Welcome to
your new world. Welcome to the Outsiders Club.
NATTY: Why are you wearing a crown?
JEFF: I have a problem bonding with new people. It's hard for
me to make friends.
LAURA DILLMAN: Well, Jeff. Consider us family now here
at Consumption Junior High. In fact, consider me your
"practice friend."
BORATEAM: I'm afraid too. I feel vulnerable and frightened
by all the new strange faces. I keep wondering who will be my
friend? Who will I eat with at lunchtime? Will I fit it? Am I
always going to be that kid who keeps a mouse in his pocket?
I'm really concerned, Laura Dillman. How will I have an
identity if I can't find people who will give me an identity?
These teen formative years are very important to my social
© John P. McEneny
development. What will happen if no one likes me? I don't

want to end up alone. I have so much love to give!
LAURA DILLMAN: Hold on. Hold on, Borateam. Your
feelings are all normal. That's why the Consumption Junior
High self-esteem initiative formed the Outsider Club. Now
everyone put on this sash—this will make it clear to the entire
junior high community that you are new and don't know all
the social rules of yet.
(Everyone puts on his or her Outsider sash.)
NATTY: So we're outsiders. Great! Again. At my last school in
Moon Junction, they called me names and spread rumors
about my conjunctivitis. I don't have conjunctivitis. I just have
very watery eyes.
BORATEAM: I used to have a watery eye.
JEFF: I wore a Hello Kitty shirt one day. One day. I had to
switch schools. It was relentless. It was just before laundry
day. I wasn't thinking. Stop looking at me.
BORATEAM: My sash is kinda tight.
JEFF: Mine fits just right. How long do we get to wear sashes?
LAURA DILLMAN: Until we decide you're insiders. Then
you get a probationary sash that says "Almost," and then
finally "Insider."
NATTY: No way! I'm not wearing no sash! I survived the
mean streets of Moon Junction and no one puts a sash on
Natty Melamed. Not again.
LAURA DILLMAN: Natty, sit down. You'll be going through
a pretty rigorous orientation and you'll learn the ropes, don't
worry. I'm here to help you acclimate to your new
surroundings. I've even made brochures on recycled paper.
Now let's all hold hands and lock out anyone new who enters
© John P. McEneny
24 John P. McEneny
and wants to join our circle of friendship. Let's close our eyes.
There, that's good.
BORATEAM: Your hands are very warm.
JEFF: I feel warm all over.
LAURA DILLMAN: Just imagine how warm you're going to
feel when you actually have friends. Concentrate on all the
new friends that you're going to make.
(They begin to gently hum. Enter Grooselda and Dagobert.
Grooselda holds a bundt cake.)
DAGOBERT: Guten Morgen, fellow classmates. My given
name is Dagobert Ganspicker and this is my twin swester,
Grooselda.
GROOSELDA: I brought the home-baked Bienenstich, also
known as "Bee Sting Cake."
LAURA DILLMAN: I know you think you can make friends
by giving out baked products but you can't. You just can't.
Trust me. I've tried.
NATTY: It's like buying love.
GROOSELDA: But I put the German honey in it.
BORATEAM: Are you like foreign exchange students?
GROOSELDA: I knew a girl once who also had one eye. Her
name was Adelaide Rührend from the Kurhessen Junior High
back in Schwalm-Eder. She is probably holding my Golden
Hedgehog right now.
BORATEAM: How did she lose her eye?
GROOSELDA: It was at the Schützenverein Junior Sectionals
two years ago. Her M08 Magnum spontaneously exploded.
Everyone ran for cover like flying katzen cowards. Some
© John P. McEneny
suspected foul play; others suspected that she did it to herself

to elicit sympathy from the judges. Yet to her credit, she stood
there solemnly, returned to the position and kept shooting at
her target. That one-eyed girl shot 360 on a Heavy Varmint
shoot thus gaining the Golden Hedgehog. You could say she
was my nemesis.
LAURA DILLMAN: Nemesis is the opposite of friend.
Everyone write that down in your friendless journal.
(Everyone pulls out their friendless journals and begins to jot
down a few notes.)
JEFF: I don't know how it works in Scotland, but in America,
you're not allowed to talk about guns.
GROOSELDA: I am sorry. I was trying to make a common
connection with the one-eyed girl.
BORATEAM: This is just a patch to cure my lazy eye.
NATTY: Foreigners can be so rude!
GROOSELDA: I'm sorry; I did not mean to make you cry.
NATTY: I don't have conjunctivitis. My eyes are very watery.
GROOSELDA: I'm sorry. I just want to make friends.
LAURA DILLMAN: And you will. Dagodell and
Griseldobert, why don't you join our safe space. Welcome!
Welcome! Now will everyone please practice your patient
faces and nod to Dagodell and Griseldobert.
(Everyone smiles warmly.)
Your goal here at the Outsider Club is for you to find a group
that might accept you.
JEFF: Like Junior Achievers.
LAURA DILLMAN: Yes.
© John P. McEneny
26 John P. McEneny
NATTY: The Audio Visual Club!

LAURA DILLMAN: Yes!
BORATEAM: The lacrosse team.
LAURA DILLMAN: Yes! We have girls and boys lacrosse!
You could probably join either, Borateam.
DAGOBERT: Young Bavarians? I was the President back in
Schwalm-Eder. We organized an annual Gesellschaft to save
the Northern Back Fighting Bobcat. We raised 20,000 euro.
LAURA DILLMAN: No.
DAGOBERT: Well I've heard about the Detective Club.
Perhaps that could be an enjoyable community.
LAURA DILLMAN: No. Even you can do better than those
two prying weirdoes. Always running around the school like
they're Starsky and Hutch.
JEFF: So they solve crimes?
LAURA DILLMAN: Forget about them, people. The road to
friendship is not lined with asking too many questions. And
Duncan McGrath-Lantingua and his little lackey Slicey Duda
are doing themselves no favors poking their lonely noses into
everyone's business. No, forget about the Detective Club. You
need to consider other youth organizations.
GROOSELDA: Do you have a rifle club? Perhaps a gun
fancier organization? A pistol appreciation society? A small
vermin-hunting group?
LAURA DILLMAN: Nothing like that. We just have the usual
afterschool clubs like Robotics, Young Republicans,
cheerleading, the drama club, forensics, basketball, Lego
Olympics, that sort of thing.
GROOSELDA: The Girl Scouts?
© John P. McEneny
(A chill goes down Laura Dillman's back. Her eyes go wild. She
touches her neck, ready to bolt after Grooselda and knock her
teeth in. She then composes herself.)
LAURA DILLMAN: Who...who told you to mention...who
told you...told you to say that?
GROOSELDA: What?
LAURA DILLMAN: I don't know what you know or what
you've been told but I think you should leave right now, you
Italian interlopers. I don't think either of you are right for the
Outsider Club. Please leave your sashes here.
JEFF: They didn't get their sashes yet.
LAURA DILLMAN: It's just as well.
GROOSELDA: I know nothing. Nichts. Please. I am just a
simple round-faced German girl looking for friendship. I have
interests in marksmanship and thought perhaps the Girl
Scouts might...
LAURA DILLMAN: Don't talk about them. We don't talk
about them.
GROOSELDA: I did not mean to displease you. I even
brought the home-baked Bienenstich.
DAGOBERT: Stop crying.
NATTY: I don't have conjunctivitis. I have very moist eyes.
DAGOBERT: I was talking to my sestra. Dry your tears,
Grooselda. We do not want to friendship with these cold
American classmates. We will find our own way in the world.
Fraulein Dillman, you are not a kind girl. All Grooselda asked
for was information about the local Girl Scouts chapter.
LAURA DILLMAN: Stop. I beg of you! They have ears
everywhere. Get out of here. Quick everyone throw your
© John P. McEneny
28 John P. McEneny
Friendless journals at them. Keep them out! We do not want

them here in the Outsider Club.
(Jeff, Borateam, and Natty throw their friendless journals at
Grooselda and Dagobert.)
DAGOBERT: You are overreacting! What is so wrong with
the Girl Scouts? Why are you so afraid?
LAURA DILLMAN: Stop! I declare this meeting of the
Outsiders postponed until further notice.
(Laura Dillman exits hastily.)
JEFF: Laura Dillman, don't leave us. Wait Laura Dillman!
BORATEAM: Laura Dillman, wait, Laura Dillman, wait!
(Jeff, Natty, and Borateam exit wearing their sashes.)
DAGOBERT: Do not worry, Grooselda. We will make other
friends.
GROOSELDA: This is just as Heidi has predicted. We are
friendless. We will never find people who will accept us.
DAGOBERT: We'll find a club to join, don't worry.
GROOSELDA: How? We do not even have a sash! I'm going
to get a job at a retail chain. Perhaps in a stimulating
environment of work, I shall find companionship. Oh I am so
lonely, Dagobert. You have no idea my ache.
DAGOBERT: No, wait, Grooselda...
(Grooselda exits with her cake.)
Don't worry, my sestra. I will find us an organization to
belong to.
© John P. McEneny
SCENE 5
(The Detective Club. Duncan is sitting at his desk going over
expense receipts and taking mysterious notes. There is a diagram
of the disappearance of Mandy and Burton with all sorts of
arrows leading to potential suspects. Slicey is sitting at a front
desk with a giant sign that says "reception.")
(Enter Dagobert.)
DAGOBERT: Excuse me, miss. Am I at the Detective Club?
SLICEY: Do you have an appointment with Duncan?
DAGOBERT: No. I am seeking a social club for young people.
Duncan gave me his card. And...
SLICEY: Well I never! Duncan McGrath-Lantingua! You have
defied me again. Our Detective Club will never be considered
cool if we take in every stray outsider.
DAGOBERT: I would very much like to join your mystery
community. I am in the process of finding friendship. I have
many skills and character traits that may enhance your club. I
have had a very difficult six weeks of American school. I have
had to eat alone at my table in the cafeteria. I try to read a
book so people do not look on me with pity but they don't
even look at me at all. I used to have my sister for
companionship but no longer. She took the initiative to
acquire a job at the shopping community and that fills all her
hours. So now I don't even have her. I don't know what to do
with myself in the hours I am not doing my schoolwork. I
walk the halls and have become oddly self-conscious how my
arms rhythmically move in rhythm or not. I have developed a
deep concern on what kind of clothing I put on in the
morning. This is not like me at all.
DUNCAN: Seventh grade can be a rough year.
© John P. McEneny
30 John P. McEneny
DAGOBERT: I am in the eighth grade. Though academically I

am a sophomore in university.
DUNCAN: Rejection city.
DAGOBERT: Ja. It is a mystery why. Back in Schwalm-Eder—
I was quite popular.
DUNCAN: You seem like a nice kid. Why don't you just play
a sport or buy a skateboard?
DAGOBERT: I am not so good at American sports. Though I
am athletically inclined. I was instrumental in creating the
Volkssport non-competitive walking club. It is hard to make
friends with male peers when you are not so adept at
competitive sports.
DUNCAN: So why do you want to join the Detective Club?
We only have two members. Me and Slicey here.
SLICEY: It's an elite club. And when I get these casts off, we're
invincible.
DAGOBERT: I enjoy a good mystery book from time to time.
Humplebert Deitricht is my favorite writer. Die Gefährliche
Pudel is a particular favorite.
DUNCAN: This is not a book club, Jerry. We're the front lines
for the truth here at the school. We search the greasy
underbelly of Consumption Junior High for what's really
going on. I've got informants everywhere. And you want to
know what's going on?
DAGOBERT: Ja.
DUNCAN: Mendacity. There's a rotting conspiracy at work in
this school and I'm close to proving who the culprits are. You
see, we've had a rash of criminal activity. Someone broke into
the cafeteria last week and stole all the cheese for the month.
© John P. McEneny
SLICEY: No grilled cheese sandwiches. No pizza. No mac and

cheese. And American kids LOVE cheese. Without their
cheese, it's just bread.
DUNCAN: Also, someone stole all the yarn from the knitting
club. And two students are missing. It's all connected.
DAGOBERT: Are the authorities involved?
DUNCAN: No, Dagobert. You can't trust anyone here at
Consumption. Especially the school safety team.
DAGOBERT: How do you know my name?
DUNCAN: I have my sources. I heard you were president of
the Young Bavarians back in Germany.
DAGOBERT: Yes, what else do you know about me?
DUNCAN: That your wild popularity hasn't followed you to
America. Even though you raised 20,000 euro to save the
Northern Back Fighting Bobcat.
DAGOBERT: That is so true. What else do you know?
DUNCAN: The word on the street is that your sister is worse
off than you. You're a little bit homesick but she's got a full
case of the empty and desperates. Her loneliness is palpable
like rotting fruit.
SLICEY: You can smell it on her.
DUNCAN: Be very careful, Dagobert. That's when they take
advantage of her. While she's vulnerable.
DAGOBERT: Who?
DUNCAN: The Girl Scouts.
© John P. McEneny
32 John P. McEneny
SCENE 6
(The Gap. Grooselda has taken a job at the local mall. Her co-
worker, GLEN, 16, has a complicated crush on her.)
GROOSELDA: Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And
under.
GLEN: Your folding skills are very impressive, Grooselda.
You're like a German-crafted folding machine.
GROOSELDA: Dankeschön, Glen. You have been a helpful
and supportive assistant manager.
GLEN: You keep this up and you'll be a shift leader in no time.
The Gap has always been the fertilizer for nurturing fresh
retail talent. It's very exciting working at the mall. Fast paced.
Tons of human interaction. A great place to discover who you
really are. Best decision I ever made in my life was to go into
retail.
GROOSELDA: Ja.
GLEN: Did you hear they're closing the Friendly Fish Forum?
GROOSELDA: Where will the pet owners of Consumption
acquire their fish?
GLEN: The manager said she needed all her time to find her
lost daughter. Do you remember that news story a few weeks
ago about the missing teens?
GROOSELDA: I do not follow American newspapers. I prefer
German rifle periodicals.
GLEN: We've been working together for almost four months.
GROOSELDA: Ja.
© John P. McEneny
GLEN: And we never get a chance to talk, do we? All I know

about you is that you sit here out on the showroom floor
folding T-shirts for hours.
GROOSELDA: I will work much faster. Mein Fehler.
GLEN: I hardly know anything about you. Nothing personal.
Maybe some time after work we could hang out at the food
court?
GROOSELDA: It is hard to concentrate on my folding when
you talk to me.
GLEN: Do you like painting pottery?
GROOSELDA: Nein.
GLEN: Do you like romance novels? My book club is reading
a cycle of Finola Finnighan's Harem series.
GROOSELDA: Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And
under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.
GLEN: You've really worked up a sweat. Why not take a
break? You can talk to me for a minute. There are no
customers in the store and Sue is at Orange Julius.
GROOSELDA: When it is time to lean, it's time to clean. I've
read the Gap employee booklet three times. I have accepted
the conditions of my oath.
GLEN: It wasn't an oath, Grooselda.
GROOSELDA: It was my bond. My word. Fold. Fit. Slip. And
under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.
GLEN: I just thought it would be nice to have a friend here at
work. You know someone you can confide in.
GROOSELDA: The Gap is a place of employment. We serve
the largest and greatest clothing retail chain in the world.
© John P. McEneny
34 John P. McEneny
There is no place for fraternization at the workplace.

Friendships are for places like...like school...and clubs.... and
my old rifle club back in Schwalm-Eder.
GLEN: You look upset. Would you like a hug?
GROOSELDA: No. There are cameras watching us
everywhere. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And
under.
GLEN: Actually let me tell you a little secret. (Checking to make
sure no one is looking:) The cameras actually don't work. They're
set up just for show.
GROOSELDA: What? I am dumbfounded. I feel lied to.
GLEN: Also we pin the backs of shirts on the mannequins to
make them seem skinnier.
GROOSELDA: I work for a house of lies.
GLEN: Yep. Oh and Sue found out about your fake I.D. and
knows that you're only thirteen years old without working
papers or work visa but she keeps you on because you're the
hardest folder in the store.
GROOSELDA: What?
GLEN: That's why she doesn't make you wear khakis. She's
only going to hold onto you until after Christmas is over and
our fourth quarter results are in. So you better start using your
discount before you're canned.
GROOSELDA: (Angry:) Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit.
Slip. And under.
GLEN: That's right. Keep folding. You'll be history soon
enough.
© John P. McEneny
GROOSELDA: Your words are so cruel. I thought you liked

me and admired my work ethic. I thought I was your work-
friend.
GLEN: I was interested in you romantically.
GROOSELDA: Oh no. I am not ready for that! I am only
thirteen years old!
GLEN: Give me a call when you're ready to grow up.
GROOSELDA: Glen, I'm not ready to be an adult. I am
looking for a friend. Please understand. We've had such good
times. Remember the time we shared those egg rolls from P.F.
Chang's? Remember the sock sale?
GLEN: I'm going to go into the stock room and get more leg
warmers.
(Enter Pepper, Mad Dog, Rashida, Frankie, and Toastito.
They're up to no good.)
PEPPER: (To Grooselda:) Yo, Gap. You gotta help my girls out.
TOASTITO: We need some new berets. We went white water
rafting last weekend and they just blew off.
PEPPER: Cut it, Toastito. Gap doesn't need to know the
specifics to our sad storyline.
GROOSELDA: I enjoy outdoor activities very much and
appreciate the need for a rugged and snug beret. Fortunately,
Gap Enterprises supplies many smart looking berets. What
color are you searching for?
MAD DOG: Green.
RASHIDA: We're looking for a beautiful bright Kelly green.
Girl Scout green. As bright as a springtime glen.
© John P. McEneny
36 John P. McEneny
GROOSELDA: I know of this color. It is the color of my

hometown of Schwalm-Eder. My friend Heidi and I would
often spend long afternoons in the marshes overlooking the
675-meter high Wüstegarten mountain. It too was a beautiful
green.
TOASTITO: I've never been outside of Consumption.
(Pepper puts twelve pairs of jeans under her sweater.)
FRANKIE: Pepper, be more discreet. Gap Girl is going to start
squeaking.
PEPPER: Nah. She's cool. Aren't you, Gappy?
(Rashida puts ten pairs of T-shirts under her skirt. Toastito puts
all the socks down her blouse. Frankie steals men's underwear.)
GROOSELDA: Are you all shoplifting?
TOASTITO: Yeah, what you gonna say about it? You gonna
start blowing your whistle?
GROOSELDA: They will not let me use a whistle anymore.
MAD DOG: She looks like she's going to cry!
GROOSELDA: No one has ever stolen in front of me before.
Your behavior is brazen and reckless. You could be caught at
any moment. How many khaki pants do you plan on stealing?
PEPPER: How many can we get away with stealing? It's all
about the thrill, baby. We live on the thrill.
GROOSELDA: I recognize you. You go to my school.
Consumption Junior High School. We have chemistry
together.
PEPPER: You know...I can see it a bit. We just might have
some chemistry together. I like your energy, Gap. There's a
rebel in there somewhere.
© John P. McEneny
GROOSELDA: Oh no. I see my assistant manager returning

from the stock room. Oh, you should run away. All of you.
Quickly. You shall be caught.
PEPPER: Not if you help us out. Friend?
GROOSELDA: What?
PEPPER: Isn't that what friends do? Help each other out?
(Enter Glen.)
GLEN: Welcome to the Gap. Can I help you ladies find
something from our summertime blue collection? Buy any
jeans today and open a Gap Silver American Express card and
receive 9% off.
MAD DOG: Sounds like a steal.
TOASTITO: Actually we were looking for some A-frame
skirts. I need to find something for the eighth grade dance.
GLEN: We have a generous collection of larger sizes that
could help you and your friends.
TOASTITO: You saying we're fat?
GLEN: I'm saying that I suspect that you may have helped
yourself to a five-finger discount, ladies. What happened to
the camis section?
PEPPER: You didn't see nothing. You hear me. You can't
accuse us of nothing. We're Girl Scouts. Ya got it? Paragons of
civic virtue.
MAD DOG: Yeah! We're just out with our Girl Scout leader,
Miss Lick. We're walking blind ladies for our service badge.
GLEN: I have my most loyal employee on the floor. She has
most obviously witnessed with her keen beady eyes your
brazen thievery and will now tell me what she saw. Then
© John P. McEneny
38 John P. McEneny
based on her eyewitness statement, I am contacting the mall

security department. The Gap has a worldwide full
prosecution policy for all shoplifting.
GROOSELDA: I know nothing.
GLEN: Grooselda?
GROOSELDA: I saw nothing. These patrons have only asked
for directions to Eastern Mountain Sport. They are just young
sturdy American Girl Scouts who enjoy community service
and outdoor activities and you, Glen, are accusing them
without any cause.
GLEN: Grooselda!
GROOSELDA: If you do not believe my word than you can
check the security cameras that are conveniently located
throughout the store.
TOASTITO: They have cameras? We gotta blow outta here. I
hate technology.
PEPPER: Thanks Gap! I'll be seeing ya in chemistry.
GROOSELDA: I would like that very much.
PEPPER: Call me Pepper.
(The Girl Scouts exit.)
© John P. McEneny
SCENE 7
(Back in Germany. It is late at night. On the top of Wüstegarten
Mountain. Heidi is trying to pack her bags as quietly and
carefully as possible. KLARA, 12, is a sickly girl confined to her
bed.)
KLARA: Heidleweiss? I need my bedpan changed again.
Would you be a dear little bloodhound and change my sheets?
I am very uncomfortable.
HEIDI: Oh Klara. I'm sorry I woke you. I thought that sedative
that I put into your milk would have knocked you out till
morning.
KLARA: What are you doing, cousin? Are you packing? Are
we going on a trip?
HEIDI: No, cousin. Only I am going on a trip. I'm going to see
Grooselda in the States United for America.
KLARA: No, you cannot. Who will take care of Grandfather
and me? I am sickly and bedridden. Who will take care of the
goats? You are our only source of support.
HEIDI: Grooselda is my only friend in the world. Without her
I am lost.
KLARA: Who will push my wheelchair? Who will read bible
passages to our blind grandfather? Who will milk the goats?
Who will rub the lifeless muscles in my legs every night? You
are abandoning us.
HEIDI: Yes I am, Klara. You are all too dependent on me. I am
enabling you.
KLARA: Nein. Nein. Nein! I can't walk. I will become indigent
and be forced to crawl down the mountain to the town of
Schwalm-Eder and beg for Euros. I will have to eat out of trash
barrels.
© John P. McEneny
40 John P. McEneny
HEIDI: I was only happy when Grooselda was here. My life

with you and Grandfather is intolerable. I am sorry.
KLARA: Schreckliches Mädchen! Grooselda Ganspicker is NO
friend to you, Heidi. She's been in New Jersey for five months
and never one postcard! She probably is surrounded by all of
her new fat American friends. She doesn't want you.
HEIDI: How dare you.
(Heidi attacks Klara and pulls her off the bed.)
I have done nothing but cook for you, dress you, tend to your
bedsores, and listen to you play your folk songs on the
glockenspiel. You are a dreadful spoiled cousin. You are
nothing like my best friend, Grooselda. Sie sind ein Monster!
Sie sind ein schrecklicher Freund!!
(Klara suddenly stands up. Heidi stops beating her cousin.
Heavenly music is heard.)
Klara, it's a miracle! You have suddenly regained the use of
your leg muscles. Oh Cousin Klara, our prayers are answered!
KLARA: Um. Actually I have been successful at moving my
legs for a little under a year now. It is very hard to explain.
Take me with you, Cousin Heidi. As you can see, I am much
more mobile and will not be a burden to you. Please take me
with you.
HEIDI: What? Duplicity!
KLARA: I can help you carry your bags. Please do not leave
me alone on this mountaintop with grandfather and the goats.
HEIDI: I am going alone to the airport with a one-way ticket
to the Americas. And will forever to be rid of such a hateful
family. I will find my true friend.
© John P. McEneny
KLARA: Heidi, help me sit down. All this blood racing to my

long dormant legs is making me feel faint.
HEIDI: Sit yourself! I'm out of this fashallenhaus forever! Auf
Wiedersehen!
(Heidi picks up her suitcase and storms out.)
© John P. McEneny
42 John P. McEneny
SCENE 8
(Grooselda is sitting alone on stage. She takes out a handgun and
looks at it. She then takes out a rag and begins to shine it. She
stops. She takes out a pink cupcake and puts the entire cupcake
in her mouth. Her brother, Dagobert, enters.)
DAGOBERT: There you are, Grooselda. I have been searching
for you for hours.
GROOSELDA: Ja. I am now found.
(Note: Her mouth is full and the words might not be fully
understandable. Dagobert has seen his sister eat cupcakes this
way many times while in a depression and has trained himself to
understand every word she says.)
DAGOBERT: I'd like you to come out tonight with Duncan,
Slicey, and me. We are going to go through some old school
transcripts.
GROOSELDA: No thank you. Those are your friends. Once
again you have bested me and found a claque of friends while
I remain alone. Again sitting home on a Friday night with only
my pistols for company. Go away! I'm now going to console
myself with Hostess snack cakes.
(She puts a second entire pink cupcake in her mouth.)
DAGOBERT: Why don't you join us tonight?
GROOSELDA: I have nothing in common with those people.
DAGOBERT: I don't have anything in common with these
people either. You don't have to make a friend that is just like
you. You have to make compromises sometimes. Do I
necessary like fingerprinting the cafeteria, or interrogating the
custodial staff, or being bossed around by Duncan? No. But
ultimately, they're decent people who seem to tolerate my
company and that is a lot. And I am willing to oversee their
© John P. McEneny
small faults. No one is going to have the perfect friends. You

must make friends where you can find them.
GROOSELDA: You're right, Dagobert. I must make friends
where I can find them.
DAGOBERT: Join us, sestra.
GROOSELDA: Nyet.
(Grooselda puts another pink cupcake entirely into her mouth.)
DAGOBERT: Then you need a plan, for you shall not survive
this bitter loneliness unless you find some friends soon.
(Dagobert exits.)
GROOSELDA: You are right, brother. I must make friends
where I can find them.
© John P. McEneny
44 John P. McEneny
SCENE 9
(The underground lair of the Girl Scouts. Mandy and Burton are
tied together with yarn.)
MANDY: Stop crying, Burton. I can't think.
BURTON: We're doomed. We're never going to be found.
They've probably stopped looking for us! And all we've had to
eat for the past four months is cheese. I've lost all muscle mass.
My modeling career is over. I'm never going to look like Vasile
Plushenkolost. My digestive track is a mess. And this yarn is
unbreakable.
MANDY: Stop. We're going to get out of this lair. The Girl
Scouts can't hold us here forever.
BURTON: Look at my bloat!
MANDY: I just wonder why they haven't killed us yet? What
are they planning? Why would they keep us alive like this?
They know my mom runs the aquarium store so they know
there's no money for ransom. No one escapes the Girl Scouts,
Burton. Once there was a girl named Laura...Laura what? All
this cheese has destroyed my memory. There was a girl named
Laura that escaped once. How did she do it?
BURTON: Quiet. I hear them coming. Oh no—they're going to
make us eat more cheese. I need fiber. Shh. Mandy. Shhh.
(Enter Pepper, Rashida, Mad Dog, Frankie, and Toastito.
Following them is Grooselda.)
PEPPER: Welcome to our secret lair. We keep it musty and
murky to intimidate our enemies. Over there is the crafts
corner—Toastito will show you the beading room later—over
here is the gym and boxing ring. Back there is Miss Lick's
laboratory. Don't go in there—she's working on something
really special. And here is the rifle range.
© John P. McEneny
GROOSELDA: Oh Pepper, it is quite charming and sterile. I

love it. I'm so happy you invited me over for a play date. Your
rifle range is one the finest rifle ranges have seen.
PEPPER: Let me introduce you to the girls. You've met
Toastito.
TOASTITO: I'm the communication director.
PEPPER: Mad Dog is the poisons expert and contraband
weapons expert. Frankie is a master of disguise and
counterfeiter and head of development.
FRANKIE: I also like to play with fire.
PEPPER: Rashida is a black belt and numb chuck expert.
MAD DOG: And Pepper is the brawn. The muscle.
RASHIDA: She's our troop leader.
PEPPER: And with the defecation of Mandy—we're looking to
fill a "gap."
GROOSELDA: You mean you want me to join the Girl
Scouts?
PEPPER: Yes. The girls and I have talked about it. We've seen
your potential.
GROOSELDA: Should I ask permission from Miss Lick?
(The girls all laugh.)
FRANKIE: Yo, Miss Lick, come out and see your girls.
(A hunchbacked mad scientist enters. Her hair is wild. She wears
a white lab coat.)
MISS LICK: Why must you disturb me? I let you girls use my
back room in return for protection but if you continue to
disrupt me, you will never see me finish.
© John P. McEneny
46 John P. McEneny
PEPPER: You finished with our secret plan yet, Miss Lick?
MISS LICK: Almost. Nanotechnology is quite a challenge. But
soon we'll be able to take our test subjects and insert the
mainframe wires. Soon all will be at your mercy.
GROOSELDA: You are very dangerous girls.
PEPPER: Yep! Unstoppable. And, Gap, we're looking for a
sharpshooter to fill out our gang. We need a true marksman.
GROOSELDA: You want me to use my riflery skills for
crime? But it is my gift.
PEPPER: And in return, we will be your friends.
(Note: During Grooselda's asides to the audience, all the
characters on stage are able to hear her.)
GROOSELDA: (Aside:) This is a moral conundrum. I am
desperate for friendship, yet I have always thought of myself
as a rigidly moral person opposed to anarchy.
PEPPER: But first, we have to see proof of your gun skills. Are
you carrying?
GROOSELDA: Of course.
(Grooselda pulls out a gun.)
PEPPER: Test subject!
MISS LICK: Not Mandy! I can't risk losing her yet. I still have
use for her in my laboratory. Take the other one.
(The girls grab Burton and make him stand.)
BURTON: No don't. You've done enough. You've ruined my
figure. Ruined my career. Taken me from my loved ones.
Denied me the essentials of fiber, mirrors, and television.
GROOSELDA: So you want me to shoot the fat boy?
© John P. McEneny
BURTON: Am I really that fat? All I've eaten is cheese stolen

by the Girl Scouts.
GROOSELDA: So I must shoot this one human life in order to
be accepted by you.
PEPPER: Yes.
GROOSELDA: (Aside:) I've never killed a person before. I've
killed hundreds of pigeons, muskrats, wild turkeys, and of
course, hedgehogs. How desperate am I to make a friend?
MANDY: Don't do it, girl. They're playing on your weakness
just like they played on mine. They need you more than
they're saying.
RASHIDA: Shut up, Mandy! We're loyal to our friends. We
just ask that they prove their friendship. It's just an initiation.
BURTON: No. Stop! Help!
PEPPER: I will place this apple on the boy's head. You must
shoot it off his head and prove your skills.
GROOSELDA: Jai.
MANDY: Wait! Stop! You're only like thirteen. If you're even a
hair off, even a millimeter, he'll be dead. You don't want to
take the risk.
GROOSELDA: I'm a very good shot. I won second place at
regionals at Schützenverein back in Schwalm-Eder.
BURTON: I'm not a good target. It's difficult for me to stand
completely still. All my photographers complain about it.
PEPPER: Come on Gap, we don't have all day. Prove your
skills. Prove your loyalty.
GROOSELDA: Ja.
© John P. McEneny
48 John P. McEneny
(Grooselda points the gun and shoots at Burton's head. Perhaps

his beautiful blonde hair is blown off.)
PEPPER: Wow! I didn't even get a chance to put the apple on
his head. It totally missed him.
BURTON: I could feel it searing just by my hair.
PEPPER: One of us!
RASHIDA, MAD DOG, FRANKIE, TOASTITO: One of us!
One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of
us! One of us!
(The scouts run and put a scouting sash and beret on Grooselda.)
PEPPER: How does it feel, Gap?
GROOSELDA: (Aside:) I have mixture of feelings. I am totally
morally compromised, of course. On the one hand, I was peer
pressured into doing something dangerous that I did not want
to do. But on the other hand, the warm feelings of inclusion
and sisterhood make want to do anything you request.
PEPPER: Grooselda Ganspicker, welcome to the Girl Scouts!
(The Girl Scouts do the Dance of Acceptance.)
© John P. McEneny
SCENE 10
(The Outsider Club. Laura Dillman is teaching the outsiders
how to make friends.)
LAURA DILLMAN: Firmer handshake, Borateam. Excellent.
More eye contact, Natty. I don't care how they greeted each
other in Moon Junction. Now everyone think of an opening
phrase you could use to approach a fellow student.
JEFF: Did you know that in Iceland there are 100 words for
snow but only one for love?
LAURA DILLMAN: Excellent, Jeff.
BORATEAM: How about that game last night?
LAURA DILLMAN: Good.
NATTY: Can I ask for directions?
LAURA DILLMAN: No, that will just burden someone. Get a
border collie if you need directions. This is about finding
friends, Natty.
BORATEAM: I can't do it, Laura Dillman. I can't. I just freak
out when I have to talk to new people.
LAURA DILLMAN: Put down your mouse and you listen to
me. You will never get your Almost Accepted sash at this rate.
Next lesson, let's break into twos and practice our trust falls.
Now remember, no matter what, you MUST catch your
partner when he falls. Friendship is all about trust. This is
going to be difficult for you, Borateam. Focus!
(Enter Duncan, Slicey, and Dagobert.)
DUNCAN: Excuse us.
© John P. McEneny
50 John P. McEneny
LAURA DILLMAN: You're not supposed to be here. I signed

out this room almost six months ago with Berta in scheduling.
Go back to your boiler room.
DUNCAN: We just got a few questions.
LAURA DILLMAN: Can't you see how busy I am? This
Outsider Club is at a very crucial point towards socialization.
Can't you see the difference? I just got Natty to wear concealer.
NATTY: It evens out my complexion.
DAGOBERT: Laura Dillman, I observed your strong reaction
last week at the orientation when I mentioned "Girl Scouts."
LAURA DILLMAN: Get out of here. You're not a detective,
Duncan! Quick everyone, let's hold hands and create a safety
circle and block them out. Just like we've practiced.
DAGOBERT: No. Wait! We want to know the truth. You used
to be a Girl Scout, didn't you?
SLICEY: Yeah! We did our research last night in the school
library. Good old detective skills. It says so here in the
Consumption Junior High yearbook.
(She opens up the book.)
LAURA DILLMAN: I don't need to see that! I know what I
was. What's your game, Duncan? What do you want? More
members for your pathetic club? Fine, you can have Borateam.
DAGOBERT: Why are you so afraid of them, Laura Dillman?
LAURA DILLMAN: Stop. No, I can't.
SLICEY: We're not leaving till we get answers. Got it,
Dillman!?
DUNCAN: Dagobert, lock the door.
© John P. McEneny
DAGOBERT: Ja.
LAURA DILLMAN: I'm not afraid of you, Duncan.
DUNCAN: What are you afraid of, Laura Dillman?
JEFF: What is so wrong with the Girl Scouts?
LAURA DILLMAN: Shut up. You're still new here. You're
still an outsider. You don't get to ask questions.
DUNCAN: But I do.
LAURA DILLMAN: It's hard to explain. You're a boy, you
wouldn't understand the desperate and clawing need an
adolescent girl has for friendship. You don't know what it's
like to not have someone to share your thoughts with. To not
have someone who will smile at you. Someone to hold your
secrets. To walk next to. To know you're not just you. Because
let's face it, you're just not enough. I needed to be something
bigger than just myself. I needed friends. A girl without a
friend is nothing. I was nothing.
DUNCAN: What's this have to do with the Girl Scouts?
LAURA DILLMAN: They're bad news, Duncan. But they're
strong and fierce. And they're an efficiently organized group
of girls with a clear leader. That's a big deal in middle school. I
was drawn in by the structure and promise of sisterhood. The
validation of badges. The safety of numbers. I was a young girl
from Tigerhassing; unsophisticated, and vulnerable—they
took me in—gave me an identity. I belonged. Finally belonged.
SLICEY: What are you yabbering about?
LAURA DILLMAN: It went too far. I can't talk about it.
DUNCAN: Tell me!
LAURA DILLMAN: Never.
© John P. McEneny
52 John P. McEneny
DUNCAN: Tell me.

LAURA DILLMAN: It was at the roller rink. I got there late. It
was supposed to be a simple night of vandalism and stealing
cars. The girls seemed agitated but I just went along with it.
MAD DOG...you know her?
SLICEY: You mean Annamarie Ragoo?
LAURA DILLMAN: That was her norm name. Her scout
name is "Mad Dog." She thought it would be fun to put pickle
juice in the slushie mixes. But she found the pickle juice in the
back of her grandma's refrigerator and I guess none of us
looked at the expiration date.
SLICEY: Everyone at the roller rink drinks slushies. Just
everyone.
LAURA DILLMAN: I know! I know. It was awful. They all
got some sort of weird food poisoning from the expired pickle
juice! And then the screaming started. You know when
someone yawns and then suddenly you have to yawn. It was
like that but with vomiting. One girl would start to vomit and
then another would skate and slip and fall. And then another
girl would see her friend sliding in the vomit and then she
would start vomiting. Soon the entire roller rink was filled
with tears and vomit and broken limbs and...oh my eyes! My
eyes! I can't get the images out of my head. Not even out of my
dreams.
SLICEY: Why didn't you stop Mad Dog? Why didn't you stop
the Girl Scouts? I was there at the roller rink that night. I broke
both my elbows! I have to wear these casts for six months!
LAURA DILLMAN: I quit there on the spot. I knew I couldn't
be part of such a cruel organization. I couldn't willingly hurt
another innocent person. Then and there, I promised to
become a better person and help people less socially
© John P. McEneny
acclimated than me to find acceptance in a healthy manner

and not be drawn in by the Girl Scouts.
SLICEY: I forgive you.
LAURA DILLMAN: Thank you, Slicey. But I'll never forgive
myself. All those broken bones. All that chaos. All that vomit.
And the Girl Scouts haven't forgotten my defecation.
DAGOBERT: I think you mean defection.
LAURA DILLMAN: Oh they've punished me. That you can
be sure of. They heckled me at Club Information Night. They
put salt in my sugar shaker. They left a burning effigy of my
Springer spaniel on my front lawn. They're dangerous girls,
Dagobert. Very dangerous girls. VERY BAD GIRL SCOUTS!
DUNCAN: Dangerous enough to kidnap?
LAURA DILLMAN: I wouldn't put anything past them at this
point.
DAGOBERT: Where is their secret clubhouse located?
LAURA DILLMAN: I can't tell you. They would kill me.
DUNCAN: Do it for Mandy and Burton.
LAURA DILLMAN: Who?
DUNCAN: Those two teenagers that were kidnapped four
months ago.
LAURA DILLMAN: Oh yeah. They probably did kidnap
them. Mandy was one of their own. She probably crossed
them. I'm sorry, I just can't tell you.
SLICEY: Do it for my elbows.
BORATEAM: Do it for us, Laura Dillman. Do it for all of
Consumption.
© John P. McEneny
54 John P. McEneny
JEFF: Yes, I want to go to a school that's safe. I want

Consumption Middle School to be a safe place for everyone.
NATTY: Maybe if we didn't all live in fear of each other then
we could all be friends. What if instead of assuming that
people don't like each other, we could all assume that we
actually did like each other? Let's reverse all the mistrust we
have in each other.
LAURA DILLMAN: Actually I think people are mostly
indifferent to each other. Hate takes so much effort.
DUNCAN: Where is the Girl Scout hideout?
LAURA DILLMAN: No...I can't.
NATTY: I think you should tell them.
LAURA DILLMAN: Why? What do I have to gain?
BORATEAM: Be a good friend, Laura Dillman. It's the right
thing to do.
LAURA DILLMAN: Alright. Under the Dairy Queen out on
Route 9. There's a hidden doorway in the back that leads
down to their secret Girl Scout basement lair. Wait. You'll
need to know the six-letter password.
SLICEY: What is it?
LAURA DILLMAN: C-O-O-K-I- E.
© John P. McEneny
SCENE 11
(The girls are hanging out in the secret girl cookie scout lair.
Frankie enters carrying an enormous box over her head. None of
the other girls help her, as it would insult Frankie to have her
strength challenged. She plops the heavy box down on the floor.)
FRANKIE: I'm back. UPS left this parcel behind. I wonder
what's in it? I hope it's those switchblades that we ordered last
month. Let me go ask Pepper.
MAD DOG: Better not—she's in one her moods. She's been
working with Miss Lick all morning in the laboratory. She's all
jumpy and jittery. This is worse than when she was preparing
for her bee wrangling badge.
TOASTITO: Hey Gap, you done penning the g's.
GROOSELDA: Counterfeiting is an art form in and of itself.
(She hands a freshly drawn dollar to Toastito.)
TOASTITO: You're a gal of many strengths, Gap. We're lucky
to have you.
FRANKIE: Hey Gap, will you help me braid my hair?
GROOSELDA: Of course, that's what girlfriends do.
MAD DOG: Hey, after we finish spray painting the
orphanage tonight, do you want to have a sleepover at my
house? We can make slam books.
GROOSELDA: Ja. I would enjoy that very much.
FRANKIE: Is it true that you've used a bazooka before?
(Enter Pepper and Miss Lick.)
PEPPER: Alrighty you long faced creeps. It's here. Miss Lick is
finally ready to share the big deal.
© John P. McEneny
56 John P. McEneny
MISS LICK: I've been working on the project for almost three
months.
PEPPER: That's right. Girls, our days of petty larceny are now
over.
MAD DOG: We still thinking of poisoning the Thin Mints?
Taking out all of Consumption?
PEPPER: Nah. We're thinking bigger.
RASHIDA: Tell us, Pepper!
PEPPER: I'm talking robotic technology.
FRANKIE: What are you going on about, Peps? I've never
seen you so excited.
PEPPER: Robotic technology.
MAD DOG: What's that?
GROOSELDA: A branch of engineering science that deals
with the creation of tools that mimic the mechanical structure
of humans.
PEPPER: Gap is right. Robots!
RASHIDA: Pepper, what are we going to do with a bunch of
robots? You're talking crazy.
PEPPER: Am I? Am I, Rashida?
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© John P. McEneny

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GROOSELDA GANSPICKER, female, President of the

Mountainside town of Schwalm-Eder in Germany,

If your school is very sensitive to the issue of guns, then it's

The Very Bad Girl Scouts was first performed in Brooklyn, NY

strongest and most accurate shot in all of Schwalm-Eder. No

DAGOBERT: Schnell! Schwester! I have searched all of

BURTON: You don't look so good, Mandy. Your eyes are

MANDY: I'm a terrible person. I can't help it. I was weak. I

MANDY: I know. It didn't stop with the Thin Mints. Without

FRANKIE: No one likes the Carmel Delight.

TOASTITO: Let me give her a little chin music, boss. This

(A boy named DUNCAN and his assistant, SLICEY, approach.

and me...it's called the Detective Club...you should really think

(She throws the posters to the ground.)

development. What will happen if no one likes me? I don't

suspected foul play; others suspected that she did it to herself

NATTY: The Audio Visual Club!

Friendless journals at them. Keep them out! We do not want

DAGOBERT: I am in the eighth grade. Though academically I

SLICEY: No grilled cheese sandwiches. No pizza. No mac and

GLEN: And we never get a chance to talk, do we? All I know

There is no place for fraternization at the workplace.

GROOSELDA: Your words are so cruel. I thought you liked

GROOSELDA: I know of this color. It is the color of my

GROOSELDA: Oh no. I see my assistant manager returning

based on her eyewitness statement, I am contacting the mall

HEIDI: I was only happy when Grooselda was here. My life

KLARA: Heidi, help me sit down. All this blood racing to my

small faults. No one is going to have the perfect friends. You

GROOSELDA: Oh Pepper, it is quite charming and sterile. I

BURTON: Am I really that fat? All I've eaten is cheese stolen

(Grooselda points the gun and shoots at Burton's head. Perhaps

LAURA DILLMAN: You're not supposed to be here. I signed

DUNCAN: Tell me.

acclimated than me to find acceptance in a healthy manner

JEFF: Yes, I want to go to a school that's safe. I want

Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal

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