BEARS

There are a lot of bear species and numerous subspecies that live all over the world. We’ve
never met a bear we didn’t like, but let’s face it, some types of bears are better than others.
Find out what makes each bear species unique.

 The koala bear is not a bear. Nor is the Asian bearcat, the water bear, the teddy bear, or
the red panda. The koala is a marsupial; the Asian bearcat (also known as the binturong)
is a viverrid, related to civets and genets; the water bear (also known as the tardigrade)
is a bizarre microscopic extremophile; the teddy bear is an inanimate object; and the red
panda is…well, nobody knows what the red panda is. It’s in its own family, tentatively
placed in the same superfamily as weasels and raccoons. Great animals all, but none are
bears.

 The brown bear has as many as 90 subspecies, all of which are more interesting than the
plain-jane Eurasian brown bear (Ursus arctos arctos). There’s nothing wrong with the
boring brown bear, also called the Eurasian brown bear, common brown bear, and
European bear. It’s big and brown and lives all across northern Europe and Asia, it’s very
long-lived (up to 48 years in captivity), it will eat pretty much anything it can find
(moths, beehives, birds, crabs, fish, roots, leaves, large mammals like mule deer) though
it is kind of a crappy hunter. (From Wikipedia: “Many predation attempts start with the
bear clumsily and half-heartedly pursuing the prey and end with the prey escaping
alive.”)

 The Asian black bear (Ursus thibetanus), also known as the moon bear (cool name,
admittedly) or the white-chested bear, is the second-worst bear. Rudyard Kipling called
it “the most bizarre of the ursine species,” which I don’t know that I’d agree with, but it
is one of the most unpredictable and dangerous bears on the planet. That’s despite
being closely related to the American black bear, which is mostly docile, and despite
being only a medium-sized bear at most. The Asian black bear lives throughout eastern
Europe and Asia, as far east as Japan (where it’s known as tsukinowaguma, literally
“crescent bear”). It coexists with tigers, and in fact is sometimes preyed upon by tigers.
Most bears are apex predators or at least have no natural predators, so it’s theorized
that this pressure makes it more aggressive. In fact, it’s more aggressive towards
humans, often when unprovoked, than American black bears or Eurasian brown bears.
This is lame! But: the Asian black bear is also the victim of the disgusting trade in bear
bile, in which a bear is kept alive and injected with an enormous and enormously painful
syringe to retrive bile from its gall bladder. Bear bile is used in some Eastern medicines.
 So, you know, maybe it’s okay that it attacks humans sometimes. But! The best thing
about listing bears by quality is that all bears are pretty great. The Asian black bear is the
most bipedal of all bear species, and is known to walk on its hind legs for up to a quarter
mile.

 Here’s where we get into the meat of the list: every bear from here on out is pretty
great. The Kodiak bear (Ursus arctos middendorffi), the largest subspecies of brown
bear, is a also known as the Alaskan grizzly bear, though it does not have the “grizzled”
fur pattern of the grizzly bear subspecies. The Kodiak bear lives exclusively in the Kodiak
archipelago in southwestern Alaska, where it feeds mostly on shoots and plants until the
salmon return in the summer. It is a massive bear, roughly tied with the polar bear as
the largest bear species in the world–mature males can weigh up to 1,500 pounds,
which is significantly heavier than a Fiat 500. Subspecies of brown bear are tricky; there
could be as many as 90, and the divisions are always a little unclear because they
sometimes interbreed. But the Kodiak is very isolated, having been separated from its
closest relative, the Kamchatka brown bears of Russia, for about 10,000 years. The
population is small and isolated, but healthy; there are probably around 3,600 bears in
the wild, and their numbers are actually increasing. Clarification: In comparing the
weight of a Kodiak bear to a Fiat, I mistakenly used a stats sheet for the original Fiat 500,
which was sold from 1957-1975 and had a curb weight of about 1,100 pounds, rather
than the flashy new Fiat 500. The modern 500 is heavier than a Kodiak bear.