les, did make our way out of the maddening mazes in ‘which we seemed endlessly to entrap ourselves, thatthe day luiimately eame when we had no choice but 1 say goodbye to all of the terribly hard work that had become such a source of joy. ‘Odd, that I should have that same feeling as I write this ‘once more reluctant to lt goof the play to give it up, to let {belong to the audience. But in the theater that pases for ry mind, [hear the orchestra tuning up, see the comics in the wings rehearsing their leer, the courtesans practicing their pours “Anyone for a comedy tonigh!? Larry Gelbart 17 September 1990 Ve coy AFVNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORVM —To and From LM.2. CAST OF CHARACTERS Prono, an cor Saves, a old man onan, is i, his wom, in love with Pi sean, slave to Senex and Domina lage to Hero acs, a buyer and seller of courtesans ‘Tremuaina, @ enurtson chm Gpan, courtesans ‘musa @ courtesan Peano virgin moines, am old man nes Ciomoms, 2 wari 13t { MUSICAL NUMBERS acrl Comaty Tonight” ROLOCUS PROTEANS, COMPANY “Lowe Hear™ 0 Fe PSEUDOLUS, HERO The louse of Marcus Lycus” INCUS,PSEUDOLS, COURTESANS Leoet™ ‘mo, PIA “Prty Lite Picture” srUDOLUS, HERO, PHILA “Beerybody Ought to Have a Maid” SENEX, PSEUDOLIS, “Tm Colm” ‘STERNUM “tmpassibe” SEE HERO “Bring Me My Bride” as, PELDOTLS ‘COURTESINS, PROTEINS, Acrit “That Dirty Old Man” oun “That Show Him” ama “Level” PseUDOLS, MISTERIIM ‘Ranerol Sequence and Dance YSEUDOLUS, MILES, COURTESANS, “Comedy Tonight” ‘coumTime: Two hundred years before the (Christian era,a dayin spring Place: A street in Rome infront ofthe houses ‘of ERRONTUS SEX, and ICUS 6 4 i | ACTIAUTHORS’ NOTE, “This isa scenario for vmidevillians. There are many details omitted from the script. They are part of any comedian’s bag of ticks: the double take, the mad walk, the sighs, the smirks, the stammerings. All these and more are intended to be supplied by the actor and you, the reader. 18 t | nococes enters trough raul, salutes enc, anes them. mmotoces: Playgoers I id you welcome, The theatre is & Temple, and we are here to worship the gods of comedy tnd tragedy. Tonight, [am pleased to announce a come- ‘By. We hall employ every device we know in our desie to divert you. (Ding this scene there are musical intrtudes during Uehich reowocvs and the PROTEANS do various bis “f ‘pantomime and general clowning, using & prop le. PRO- Docu getures torches, sings) Something familiar, Something peculiar, Something for everyone —a comedy tonight! Something appealing, Something appalling, Something for everyone —a comedy tonight! Nothing with kings, ‘Nothing with crowns, Bring on the lovers, ars and clowns! ‘Old situations, New complications, ‘Nothing portentous or polite: ‘Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!(Daeg the following, he brings on the thee PROTEANS) Something fila, Something peculiar, ‘Something for everyone —a comedy tonight! Something appealing, Something appalling, Something for eweryone —a comedy tonight! ‘Tragedy tomorrow — Comedy tonight! Something convulsive, Something repulsive Something for everyone — ‘A.comedy tonight! Something esthetic, Something frenetic, ‘Something for everyone — ‘A comedy tonight! [Nothing with gods, Nothing with fe ‘Weighty affairs wil just have to wat. ‘Nothing that's formal, 20 ‘Nothing that's normal, "No recitations to recite! (Open up the curtain — he tex parts haf, then clasts as if by accident, using confusion, Afler a moment, i eens compl eowang a ste in Rome, Sage center stands the house of oe, on ciller side the Rowses of ICUS and ERRONE. SENER'S hse Kidde behind another curtain) Comedy tonight! (Speaks) tall takes place on a street in Rome, around and about these three houses (Undicates BRONTES's hous) First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man abroad own search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates. (Sings) Something for everyone — a comedy tonight (The xoT¥ANs opin in the upper window ofthe house ‘and pantomine) Something erratic, Something dramatic, Something for everyone —2 comedy tonight! Frenzy and frolic, Strcly symbolic, ‘Something for everyone —a comedy tonight! (Speak, Sndicating 200s house) ‘Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women. That's for those of you who ‘have absolutely no interest in pirates (Sings) Something for everyone —a comedy tonight! aenor] dance in front ofthe Rouse on of thom seers na the fle PROLOGUS real then coins, seating) Raise the curtain! (Uner curtain drops nto floo) ‘And finally, the House of Senes, who lives here with his wife and son, Also in this house lives Pseudolus, slave t0 the son. Pseudalus is probably my favorite character ia the piece. A role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such ... Jet me put t this way Tplay the part (Sings) Anything you ask for — comedy tonight! (PROTEANS reentn) [And these are the Proteans, only three, yet they do the work of thirty. They are difficult 10 recognize in the many parts they play. Watch them closely (PROTEANS cppeor in and ou! ofSESEX's house in aor. (eb cotumes as PROLOGUS comment) ‘A proud Roman, A patrician Roman. A pretty Roman. ‘A Roman save. A Roman soldier. (ROTEAN appears with ude wwoden ladder) A Roman ladder (@R0TEAN ents, jugeting) ‘Tremendous dil! (Hejugles badly. mxoTEAX ener) Incredible vers! (He fumbles in changing wigs. PROTEAN enters ath we) And, above all, dignip! (He irks gong, his shirt fl) And now, the entre company (The company enters from SINEX's house and forms aie) aL (Sing: Something familia, i Something peculiar, Something for everybody — comedy tonight! ‘Something that's gaudy, ‘Something that's bawdy, ‘Something for everybawdy — ‘Comedy tonight! aus "Nothing tha’ grim, ‘Nothing chats Greet smonocus (Leading onexist crt ‘She plays Medes later this week Stunning surprises Cunning disguises, Hundreds of actors out of sight Pantaloons and tunics! “Courtesans and eunuchs! Funerals and chases ‘aritones and bases! PandererstPhilanderers! nsreReN Copii! pose: ‘Mimes! PRovocus: “Tumblers! Gramblers Bumblers! Burblers! ‘No royal curse, No Trojan horse, ‘Anda happy ending, ofcourse! Goodness and badness, Man in his madness, ‘This time it al rams out allright! “Tragedy tomorrow! Comedy tonight! One —two— three! (Alle, ezeptrnovoces) Ey pROLOGUS (Addrese the heavens: Oh, Thespis, we place OUT selvesin your bands. (Teansioney “The play begin. (eae) (Mase up. rama appears at window of 300 hse ind meno oppears om alan of EEX's Rowse, SEX esr hiss) Senex (Cll): Slaves onmun evils, a= PROTEANS ener from SENEX' hou (reed asec, cane lavish studs) ‘Weare about to sare ourjoumey. My robet (emoreas pace bon him) My wreath (eons place wrath om his head) pono (Appearing in dora of eax’ Rose: Senex! sss (Foun): My wl oun: Staves! Stop cringing ad fetch the baggage! morass (Exiting ino SEN hoi: Yes yo, ye ownsts Senex, you are master ofthe house and no help at wil, Where is Pseudolus? Where is Hysteriom? Sommon them! (seve is about speok non cals ou) Peeedotut! Hystrium! Coreen elas rom see's use. Daring he folooe ng Nix dfs everd 100 Kose imsremen Ab, madam, you called? ‘onan: Yes Hyer stent And I answered. Ever your humble. {ss hem ofr ca) %own: Have you prepared my potion? STERN (Holds wp small bag): Yes, madam. Tn addition to ‘your usual potions, Thave included one for tantrums and fone for queasiness. Donm: Thankyou, Hysterium, save of slaves. nstentune [live to grovel (Kisses her hem. DOMINA cals to HERO om bakony of Sex ous) owas Hero, come Kiss your mother goodbye. sino: Yes, mother. (Evid ees hse, SLES ree carrying bag) pour: Slaves, take that baggage and go before us, you ‘lumsies! PROTEANS (As they scurry af) Yes yes, clumsies, yes oumsa: Senex! Come sway Som that house of shame! sexex (Crossing ther Las just standing there saying, “Shame, shame, shame!” owns: Hysterium! rnsventun: Yes, madam? ours: Whereis reudolus? nstentum; "Whereis he indeed! T have not seen him since he drewed Hero this morning, ‘poser: Tell im that while we are gone, he isto watch over Hero, He isto keep him cheerful, welled, and far from the apposite sex sexex; My dear, the boy has to Tearn sometime. ‘Down: And when tha ime comes, joushal tel him 6 t t f sex Yes, dear DOMINA: ... what itde you know. Now, go and fetch the tft we bring my mother. sexe Yes, dear (Este ito his house, a ERO ents from i) ‘mrxo: Good morning, father, pours: Ah, Hero, Your father and I are off to visit my ‘mother in the country. What a joy it would be were you To accompany us, Bit, alas, the sight of anyone in good. Inealth ills my mother with rage. (ents renters carrying 6 bust of 90388) ‘any there Lam. Do,you think it wil please my moth nsrenrex: Oh, yes, madam, The craftsmanship is superb: ows: And the resemblance? srenus: Frightening owina: The time of farewell i at hand. Hysterium, slave: mvchief, here are my busband’s final instructions. (enix opens his mouth o speak, sh continues) In his absence, his entire household is in your spotless ‘ese, Nour word shall be absolute, your authority unques- Honea. Senex; And furthermore — poxmss: Weare on our watt ses (Mutton): We are on our wa¥. own: Farewell, beloved son. Farewell, thoughtful Eye ‘eriam, Senex, come along! And carry my bust with pride (Bits, A beat, and then he voici heard) Senes! asepa: Yes, dear (To audienc) ‘A lesson for you all. Never fal in love during a total eclipse! (Bais) STERTAN (To audient: Well, to work, t0 work! Now that fp comply in chars, 1am going tobe avery boy (Sees 40, who has died toward 9008's hous) Here! Come away from there. You sust never know ‘what goes on in that house. ‘Exo: But! do know. ansreniuse You do? (220 nods) Isw'titamazing? Wel, ean’t sand here talking. Ges fo SENEX'S hs, picks someting fom @ coum, amps itent, grimace, enters hous, cali) Pseudolus (Geno watches hm go hen turns to audience) Ro (Sing): ‘Now that we're alone, ‘May [tell you ve been feeling very strange? "Either something's in the air Orica change Tshappening in me. I think I know the ese, hope Linov the cause. From everything I've heard, “There's only ome cause it can be Love, Theat, ‘Makes you sgh alot Also, love, Theat, Leaves you weak. | = Love, Than, ‘Makes you blush ‘And surns you ashen. ‘You try ta speak with passion ‘And squeak, These, Lore, they say, ‘Makes you pine away, Buryou pine avay “Wish an idiotic grin. pine, TDhush, I squeak, Tsquavk. ‘Today woke ‘Too weak to walk, ‘What's ove, Thea, feel... Vfear min (Sighs) See what I mean? Dadadadadadada ... (Lum alot, 00.) T'm dazed, 'm pale, Vim sick, im sore; Tye never fel $0 well before! What's love, Theat, eel -.. Tear -- Lknow fam Tmsure ..-Tmean . Think. Terust pray --. Tmust Bein! Forgive me ifT shout Forgive me fT crow ve only just found outAnd, well, Thought you ought t9 know. (GROTEASS enter drad es CTIENS, holding PSEUDOLDS by the arms. They ute buious fake chatter) exo: Pseudolus! vast crmzen (Salata): Citizen! This is your save? He was parading 4 Gtizen, ‘vDOWS: Believe me, master, Twas not parading. This is parading (Demonstrates) Iwas walking. (Starts twat off ex stops hin) secop errmms: Come back here! ‘ean cris (To wero): He invited us to game with him, ‘and, in a matter of moments, he had taken all our ast orn; He was using weighted dice! ‘mimo (TopsEUDOLUS): Renum the money. scoop crass: He took nine minae. prupors: Nine?! Ttook sevent sumo: Give them nine rsnumotus (Handing eins fo crm): One, two, three, four Tam being cheated out of dhe money Iwon fail. samo: Pseudolus! parvpots (Giving corms eins: Seven, eight. -asvemzes: What happened to five and si? (aren glares at SEUDOLUS ) scuDo1Lis: Fini coming to them. Nine ive, sb! (Hands them ree ere coins) 0 | | ' i : E i seconn crx: Come, fellow citizens! (arizens ex, chatering) rsecpowus (Shpish): Lshould be whipped ... gent. Bat Tonly did it for money. [thought iT could raise enough ‘you'd tet me buy my feedom from you. ‘mmo: Oh, Preudolus, not again? svuDoLus: I'sallI think about. Thate being a slave. ‘mo: Better a slave than a slave to love, psrupoLus: That's easy for you to .-. Love? You? ‘Tellme, ‘master, who is she? Anyone I know? ‘uno: Sometimes you can see her through that window. (Points to1scus's Rouse) pszupotus: Through that win — (Horii) ‘A courtesan in the house of Lycu®? Your parents would ‘be outraged if they could hear you. sno: [don't care! peeupotus: Do you know how many minae 2 gir Hike that ‘would cost? iumxo: And worth every drachma! Oh, Pscudolus, I would ‘Bive anything for her. erupowes: You would? You realy love this gel? (a0 sighs) 1 ike che way you said that. Now, you cannot afford to Duy this gi but in spite ofthat, suppose someone, some- tne with temendovs cunning and guile, could arrange for her to be yours nemo: Yes? pexvpotus: If that someone could arrange it, what would ‘you give me? 3a‘emo: Everything! psrupowws: Everything? What do you own? Twenty minae, ‘collection of sea shells and me. ‘wamo: Right sevpo1us: You don’t have to give me the twenty minae, or ‘the seashells, fT get you that gir, just give me me, ‘HrRo: Give you you? arcpowws: My freedom. ‘HERO: Pseudalus! People do not go about freeing slaves. srupowus: Be the fist! Start fashion! exo (A pau, then): Getme that gel pscupows: And iffean? meno: You are free! sseupoves: Tam what? ‘mrxo: Free! sseupo.us: Free! (sings) ‘Oh, what a word! (Oh, what a word! (Speaks) Say it again! exo: Free! -ruporvs (Sing) ve often thovght, Tye often dreamed How it would be ‘And yetT never thought '@ be (Speak) 32 ae nce more. urmo: Free! ssup01us (Sing) TButwhen you come to think of such things “Annan should hase the rights that all others Can you imagine “What itil be like when Tam Can you see me? ‘Can you see me asa Roman with my head unbowed? (Ging it good and loud ... ) Free! ‘Like a Roman, having rights ‘And ikea Roman, proud! Can you see me? xo: Tean see you! ‘Gan you see me asa voter fighting graft and vice? (Sing it soft and nice ... ) Free, ‘Wh, I'l beso conscientious that I may vote twice! Can you see me? Gan you see me? ‘When I'm free to be whatever I want t0 be, Think what wonders I'l accomplish then! ‘When the master that serve is me and jost me, 33Can you se me being equal wih my countrymen? Gan you see me being Pieudolus the Giizen? Gan you see me being -..? Give itto me once again! Free! That’ sit Free! Yet Fr sEUDOLNS (Claps his hand over HERO’: mouth): "Now, not so fast! Taide’ think The way Tam, Thave a roof, ‘Three meals a day ‘And I don't have to pay a thing Tm just a slave and everything's ree. fT were fee, ‘Then nothing would be free, And i'm beaten now and then, ‘What does fe matter? HERO (Softy, seductive) Free, sxUDOLUS (Brightening) ‘Can you see me? Can you see me as poet writing poetry? All my verse ll be 4 es Se Free! "A museum will have me pickled for posterity ‘Gan you see me? exo (With a grime) ean see you! ‘Can you see meas a lover, one of great renown, ‘Wome falling down? Free? rsrvpowrs: No, ‘But Tl buy he house of Lycus for my house in town. Can you see me? Gan'tyou see me? Re you anything from king to baker of cakes, You're a vegetable unless you're free! Isa lite word, but ob, the difference it makes: es the necessary exwence of democracy, Tes the thing that every slave should have the right to be, ‘And I soon will have the right to buy a save for met (Can you see him? Well T' fice him! ‘When a Pieudolus can move, the universe shakes, But'll never move until 'm free! Such afte word, but ob, the difference it makes: Tilibe Pseudolus the founder ofa famiy, T'lbe Pseudolus the pillar of society, Tbe Pseudolus the man, iT can only be Free!Sng a ne prdonbie No, the long way FREES FREE!!! (130Us enter from his house, calls ito i seus Whata day! Whata day! Come out here! (eRoTeAN, dread as NUCH, ter from Rowse, Bong fen) ‘What do you think you are doing, eunueh? Thave told you a thousand times not to fan the girls while theyre stil wet! You'l ncrer learn. You'll bea eunuch all your Bie! (ort eis nto house, LACUS urs to eudienc) ‘What a day! I have to goto the Senate this morning. Tim blackmailing one of the Senators (Starts of, as SEUDOLLS whisprsfoERO) seuDOLUS: Quick! Your money bag! (quo hands him moray Bag) Good morning, Lyeus. (ngs money bag behind ws back. CUS stops) ycus: I now that sound, and Tove i (Turns toeseu0ues) 36 i | | | Is that money? pseunowvs: What do you think? seus How did you come to all his? psrvpowus: An unexpected legacy. My uncle Simo, the ‘noted Carthaginian clephant breeder, came to an untime- fy end. He was crushed to death on the last day of the smating season, This morning I bought my freedom. seus: Congratulations! rseupotus: With this much left over for one gross indul- gence, seus: Good. pssupo.ts: Lyeus, Iam now in the market fora Bfetime ‘companion. Tell me, have you anything lying about in there, anything to satisfyan Olympian appetite? sscus: Pieudolvs, frend and citizen, have traveled the ‘world in search of beauty, and Ican say with modesty that ‘Thave the fines assortment in Rome. rervpots: Show me. (seus claps shana) rseus: Ennuchs! A buyer! (eunucss enter from 1300's Rouse, drape banner over door PSEUDOLS sits on stool ICUS sings) “There ismerchandise for every need [At the house of Marcus Lycus ‘All the merchandise is guaranteed ‘At the house of Marcus Lycus. Fora sense of sensuality Oran opulence thereof, Patronize the house of Marcus Lyeus, Merchant of love. 7For your most assured approval and your more than pos sible purchase, here are the fruits of my search. Behold Tintinabula (TIRTINAEULA ent from behind borne, poss) Outof the East, with the fce of an idol... the arms of willow tee -.. and the pelvis ofa camel (She dance, PSEUDOLS leks at HERO, who shakes his head no) rsrupotus (Tb xcs): Don’t you have anyone in there a bit lest... noi racus: Ihave, MayT present Panacea. (easnexa enters) ‘To make her aailable to you, I outbid the King of Nubia Panacea, with a face that holds a thousand promises, and 1 body that stands behind exch promise. (@ARACEA dance HERO shakes is haa ma, PSEUDOLS looks PANACEA oo 378) You are disturbed? seup010s: The proportions. Don't misunderstand me. (Spreading his hands bfore her bosom) Tove the breadth. Irs the length. She may be the right, length, butisitright for me? You see what] mean (Stands with hes backso‘ack) In'tshe abit too short? ‘oeus: Definitely not sEUDOLUS (Wiggle, then): Too tll? xcus: No, Like that you look perfect together. rseupowus: Yes, Dut how often will we find ourselves in this position? (Terns to face he Pechapeifwe seus: No need to compromise. Consider the Geminat (cexnns ent) A matched pair. (They done) ‘Hither one a divinely asiembled woman, together an inf nite number of mathematical possbilies. They ae fave Tess. (ozeno shakes his Bead mo) pervnowws: Tuite agree. ButTam a man of limited means ‘and I don't suppose you'd break up a se. rycus: Teoulda’t You understand rseuno1us: Completely. rscus: Fortunately we sil have ... Vibra (omnara enters) Exotic asa desert bloom ... wondrous asa flamingo ithe as a ogress - for the man whose interest is wild life (QRATA sings, dances. HERO shakes his head na, PSEUDO. Ls gosto VEsRAtA) psevpowws: Lyeus, all that T can se is a sgt to behold, but ‘keep feeling there is something wrong. Perhaps a deft palate, ahammer toe seus: Wait: Tknow exactly what you want, May I present Gymnasa. (crnacasa ents, doe Bump. PSEUDOLUS fos off sto uKo shakes hs head no, but ruDows is completely capcatd) Gymnasia, a giant stage on which a thousand dramas can be payed. (esrupotes circles hey saps Bond hx, gestures CXS) rssup01Us: Lycus, could I see you back here amoment? 20(does disappear behind omesasia. He and pseuD0wws str. PSEUDOLUS stops nto the clear) ‘Two hundred minae?! For wha?! ncus: Figure itout for yourself pseuD0wus: Yes, itis afar price bythe pound. But what dis ‘urbe me, frankly isthe upkeep. Peshaps you would have more success celling her to some fraternal organization. A ‘group dedicated to good works. But on the other hand (Pus his Bad om ar bosom) exo: Peeudolus! srupowus: Yes, darling? exo (Pulle him ass): Do you want your freedom? eupo10s (Looks back at oagsasia): More than ever. (Toxsevs) May 1 sce the next gis rycus; That is the entire lot, Surely there is one among, these to satiey you. psrunots: As yet I have not seen exactly what I had in mind xscus (Claps hand): Conrtesans! Out of the sun and into ‘the house. Isha return in time to lead you in midday ayes. (CouRresans and FuNUeH ext, PINLIA' head offears Sn upper winder of tx house) samo (Whisper loPsevD0tCs): Pseudolus, there she ist eevnots (Tb1s60s): Ob, you fox! “That isthe entire lot.” ‘Did I not just spy a golden head and a pair of sky blue ‘eyes? A body clad in flowing white? xcus: Oh, that one. A recent arial rom Crete. A virgin. 0 ee eee steno rseupoius (Nudging HeKo): A virgin. exo: A virgin! pseunotus (Torsevs): Wel? rscus: Only yesterday she was sold mo: Sol Drews his dager meadramatizly, TSEUDOLS wrest from hin) erupotes: Behave yourself) (Begins casual caning his nai ith dagee) She was 21d? rscos: ‘fo the great captain, Miles Gloriosus, who comes this day to claim hee. She cos five hundred minae secDov0s (Amazei): Five hundred! racus: A great sum, to be sure, But being a man of con- (ques, his heart was et on a virgin, seuDowws: You say she just arrived from Crete? cus Yes ssauno.vs: Mmm. Thope the great captain is kind to her. ‘She deserves a bit of affection before. (Sigs, hen to) “Tragic, isit noe (1220 moans) tyees: Whatis agi? seupots: The news from Crete evs: What news? psrupotvs: Why should I darken your day? Farewell, Lycus cus (Grats him); What sche news? apssupo.us: What news? Iaeos: The news fom Crete rswumowus: Iheard it. Tragic. yes: Preudolue! (Shakes him) rerunotes: You force me to tell yoo! Crete is ravaged by 2 great plague. People are dying by the dhousands, Sos Burs gi ished She goes ening doug ihe rerupotes: She doem't! I thought you knew. When they start wo smile, the end is near. tacos: Not perunotus: Yes. Iam told icis lovely now in Grete. Every: ‘one ying there, smiling. cus: Ist contagious? -PaEvDOLUS: Did you ever see a plague that wasn’? es: My other gis! rerunotuis: You had best gether outof there. eno: Yes! revs: And then? ssetpo.vs: I could look after her until the captain comes. tuimo: He could! cus: But would younot be... ? sruporus: Thave already had dhe plague. I would tell you ‘aboutit but. (Pantomime dcgust) 2 seus: Ido hope she lives until the eapeain gets here. (Bais into his house) vtexo (Elatd): Preudolus, Lam to be with her! suupowus: Until the captain arrives. ‘Hmo (Sadly); Yes. permpons: Waitt (Paints a moment) snuxo: Yee? porvpowws: A briliant idea! eno: Yes? perenoius: That's what we have to find, A brillant idea steno: You must find one. ncus (Speaking into hi howe ashe backs out off: Come, ‘come, my dear. This way. Don’t touch that pillar Here issomeone Iwantyou to meet. (OHILIA enter from house, carrying a bag) Philia, cis is Peeudolus You are to stay with him until the captain comes. Itwill not be long. (Aside to psxvpowus) Pecudolus! Thank you, Pseudolus. Ifnone in the house ‘were to your liking, tere will soon be new arrivals. You ‘Shall have first choice, because, Pseudolus, you area friend. (Bows) arupotns (Returning the Bou): And you, Lycus are a gente. ‘man and a procurer. (isbUs exis, HERO and PHILA stond storing at each other PSEUDOLS loks a them, then tums fo audience) “There they are, Together. And I must keep them that ‘way, together, iam to be frce. What to do? What to do? (To Rims) s1 nced help. Tl go the harbor. There I may find away out Tamof! The eapan! (ie ond ran tar oi, alarme) Watch forhim, He may arrive tisway rams tors from 20, asf) core may rie this wy. (ix tr, asf) ‘No,no. You watch hi wa. (Taras rts arn) And you wate hat way. Turan eround HKD and PIN no fc ch tthe) Mock Heter (Stars toi, arate ann) ‘Don'tworry. Nothing wil happen. He's rin to. Cansefp am: My name i Pia. saxo: Yes ima: I do not know your name, but you have beautiful legs, ‘mmo: My name is Hero and... uh legs -- Timagine ‘mz: [would show them to you, but they are sold. mo: Tknow, you have beautifel ims: Along with the rest of me. I cost five hundred, ‘minae. Is that alot of money? 1Hsxo: Ob, yes. ima: More than three hundred? ‘usxo: Neatly wice 5 much, rma: Those the two numbers that mix me up, three “ itn aes natant caanscinmleertetiiemtomiiontets and five. Thope that captain doesn't expect me to do a tot of adding. umego: Youcan'tadd? ima: We are taught beauty and grace, and no more. 1 ‘cannot add, or spell, or anything, Thave but one talent (sme) Fm lovely, Alam islovely, Lovely the one thing ean do. Winsome, ‘What Iam is winsome, Radiant asin some Dream come true. ©», Tsn’tita shame? ean neither sew Nor cooknor read nor write my name. ‘Bot T'm happy Merely being lovey, Forit's one thing I can give 10 you. weno: Phila aman: Yes? exo: Say my name, poms: Jus say your name? exo: Yes. ima: Very wel: (A Band ook) Thave forgotten it eno (Diappointe): es Hero, 45‘oma: Forgive me, Hero. Uhave no memory for names, exo: You don’t need one. You don't need anything, (Sie) You're lovely, Absolutely loves, ‘Who'd believe the loveliness of you? Winsome, Sweet and warm and winsome, Radianc a in some Dream come tue, True! Now ‘Venus would seem tame, Helen and her thow- Sand ships would have to dic of shame. ‘And I'm happy, Happy that you're (T'm) lovely, For there's one thing loveliness can do It's gift for me to share with you! (Theiss) HERO: Do you know? T'ye never been hissed before. ama: That's the very rst thing they teach us HERO: Phila... [love you. imax: And TTove you. (Thay embrace, 08 EWSTERICM enters fom SEXEX's house, seullering) STERNUM: Pseudolus! “Whereis that — (Sees TER0 and PIA) (Oh, no! No, no, no, no! 46 sible iad apeiron] no (Frightonad): Hysterium — isis Pia sresnac Never mind who she is, who is she? Where is she from? Hrxo (Halling): She is from the house of Lycus. nsrexron: A courtesan! rma: Lam a virgin. seer (Dishelengh with a fake smi): Of course. Hero, this wil never do, Neves, never. Bid farewel o this young Taso that she can go about her ... uh... busines. weno: But Pseudalus said stern: Pseudolus! T might have known! (esrupouns rans on) raruDoLus (Spots isTERIUM, then fovRO): Hero! Master! mnsresnne Pseudolus! (eseun01s reacts, polishes pillar of hous) Pseudolu! porvpowus: Yes, Hysterium? stent: Pseudolus! simotus: Pronounced perfecdyt You know, 2 lot of peo- ple say Peeudolus, and I hate it. (Aside 20) Show the girl our garden. (Geno and PATA eet bhind ENE Bouse) sven: How dare you! Arranging an assignation be- tween an innocent boy and a youknowwhat! pseupowvs (Supping hin): Hysterium, there is something ‘you should ow about that yourknowahat. wren Wha? a‘sruDOLUS: That gis, about whom you think dhe worst, is say daughter sreme Your what? rsmvpowws: My daughter. You've heard me speak of her. nstemexe Never! rsxupotes: Well, dan’ ike to talk about her (Pots pillar) snsremrone: That gil isnot your daughter. seupows: My sister? STENT shall go tll his parents, ‘SEUDOLUS: Wait! Hysterium, the truth. She as been sold to. captain who comes any moment now to claim her. msTeRe Ob, Igo tell his parents! eevpo1vs: Igo with you! mstenrint: You don't want to be chere when I tell them, ‘about you! rspuponus: No, I want you to be there when I tell them, about you! WSTERIUMG ‘Tell them what about me? T have nothing to fear, Tam apillar ofvirse, Igo. (Starts toler, PSEUDOLUS stops Bim) pseupowws: Think it might be of interest to the fay that their slave-in-chief, their pillar of irwue, has secreted ‘within the confines of his cubicle Rome's most extensive and diversified collection of erotic pottery. (Gran free n hore) rsrentune Pseudotus! (Calls out) Hero! 8 wssupo.us: Tell me, where did you ever get that fruit bowl with the frieze of =. ? (Unadiates an evi oe rf) steams Pacudalus! (070 and PHA enter) Hero, as you know, your mother and father placed me in charge of your innocence. However, I have decided to Slow you to remain with the girl undl the arrival of her captain, smixo: Ob, Phila! (Embraces he) sreRT\e Here! Stop doing drat! (Separate then) ‘You could hurt each other! (Exiting ina seve’ house) ‘Obknhht pseuDOLUS: Master, [said we needed a brillant idea. msxo: Yes? rervpotts: Ihave een to the harbor, and T have found ‘one. Come along! rma: Arewe going somewhere? paxupors: Yoware. You have your belongings. (Towsx0) Lets fetch yours, rnrso: Where are we 10 psrupowws: Away no: Whereaway? arubowus: Forsway! exo: But my farily 0Pama: My captain « rsevnotts: There is only room for ko of you. tnexo: Where? sevpotes (Sing) In the Tiber here ssa boat, Gently dipping its bow, “Trim and dy and buile to loat reat litle picture? Now Puta boy on the starboard side, Leaning ont atthe rail [Next to him puta blushing bride, ‘Slim and slender and starry-eyed. Down below puta tiny bed ‘The sun gets pale, ‘The sea getsred, ‘And off they sail (On the frst high de, ‘The boat and the bed and the boy and the bride! esa prety litle pictre, oh, my! ret ile picture, how true! ret litle picture which I, Preudolitelus give to you! Feel the roll of the play waves! See the sil 2s they swel Hear the whips on the galley slaves! Prearylitde pletare? Wal... Levit carry your cares away, Out of ight, out of mind, as the buoy and through the bay — Soon there's nothing but sea and spray Night descends and the moon's gion. Your arms entwined, ‘You steal below, hi tian Stamens se And far behind ‘Atte edge of day, “The bong ofthe bell of the buoy in the bay And the boat and the boy and the bride are away! les preuy litle picture to share ‘As the litle boat sails to sea ‘Take litde wip free as ai Hiave alte freedom on me! ano and PHILA: Noworries, No bothers, No capains No fathers! Tn the ocean an island waits, ‘Smooth and sandy and pink, Filled with lemons and nuts and dates. reat lle picture? Think: Ina cottage of eypress tees, Seashells dotting the door, Boy and bride lve life of ease, Doing nothing but what they please. [And every night when the sas appear, ‘There's nothing more ‘Tose or hear, ‘There's just the shore “Where the lovers ie, “The sand and the sea and the tars and the sky And the sound ofa sot litle satsied sigh (BRO and PHILA sigh) “Allyour pety lite problems wil cease, ‘And your lite blessings will ow, 51[And your lite family increase rect itl picture? No, no! Pretty litle masterpiece! rect lite picture! rseupats: Come! We go! urwo: Yes! puma: Wait! Teannot go. FssuDOLUS: Why can you nod! PILZ: As long asthe captain has a contract I must go with ‘him, That i the way of @ courtesan. ‘eno: Oh, Venus, why did you bring us together, only to parton | ima: Be brave, Hero. emo; For us there will never be happiness ima: We wll have to learn to be happy without it psEUDOLUS (To audiea): Have you been listening? Do you ‘believe this? And nota word about me or my freedom, (ims) ‘She must go with him! MIA: ‘This waiting out here is torture. Why doesn’t he ‘come and take me? srupowws: In good time you willbe taken, But not on the sreet. Inside, ‘min: You will tell me when he comes? parvporss: I shall have him knock. On the door. Three 52 | ima: That's wo and one more? rsrtpo.us: Correct. Three times. Now in, in, in. (ERIN exis nto EN ows) Haxo (Despondenih): Psevdolus, whats going to happen? swupotus (Confident): She wil go with you. (HUSTERIUM enters fom SENEX’S house) nerennn: Hero, Iam off to market. While you are alone with the girl, remember who you are. (Geno exit lo See's house) T have yet to begin my daily chores, pseuD0wws: Hysteriam, before you go. Just one more favor. stem: What isi? psxunotvs: May! borrow your book of potions? msteaiex; Ob, no, no, no! That stays right here (Pats is back pos) ‘Where it belongs (cats ofp ‘You there, bird seller! What do you have in the way of plump peahen? (As he exis, PSEUDOLLS deft ifs potion book from ‘ERIM’ back poke, addresses oudienc) rervpotts: His hook of potions! And my pass to freedom! "What I need is his sleeping posion, With a drop or two of that, the Breath stops short, the eyes slam shut, the body ‘hangs limp. I shall mix a few drops in a beaker of wine and give ito the girl to drink. T show Lyeus that she has ied of the plague and tell Hero to dispose of the body ‘Then they 10 the boat, tothe hill. (Points to audienc) and you to your homes. (Looks trough page, then to cudnt) 581 just remembered something frightening. Tcannot read! (Call) Hero! Come out here. (UEERO enters fom SENEX's os) Cal these pages off to me. xo: Notnow?! psrupotus: Yes, now! Read! sno (Reading ashe ums page): “Fever Potion”... “Head ‘ache Potion” ... "Passion Potion” . . . “Sleeping Po- psrupots: That's it! The formula, What do we need? “The ingrediens ‘uso: “The eye ofan eel.” vrvpotuis: That we have, Meno: “The heart of snail” snumowus: That we have. sano: “A.cup of mare's sweat.” seupous: Mare's sweat? Thatwe have not Meno: Why are you preparing this? saupoiUs: Tintend to giveitto the girl. Asleep, she will go ‘with you, snrmo: She wil? sseunoLus (Word): Mare's sweat ‘ammo: Where will you find i? ‘sxupowws: Leave that 1o me. You go to the harbor! Give the boatman your twenty minae and tel him thas you sil ‘wih him this day! shal prepare the potion! tomo: This is exciting! en rsevpows: Isn'itl Go! (aro ext) ‘Mare’s sweat! Where am I going to find mare's sweat on balmy day ke this? (PSEUDOLUS evils, af SENEX enfes with DOMINA’s bust calling) senex: Peeudolus! Peudotus! to the nonecuter for me. (To audience) 1 dropped it, and now the nose bas to be resharpened, Hysersum wail ake efor me. (Goes is hose, Boks door three times. A past, then PERLIA ents from hous, arms outstretched) rma: Take me! He could have taken this (GoNex lke around) ‘Take met sexex: What did you sy? vumtua: Take met sexx: One moment (Put statue om stoop, starts for sms, returns to statue, ‘and turns i face en from 218) ima: Here on the street fyou like! My body is yours. Say it. Saye, sesex( Looks around, thon quick): Your body is mine, ami: Then take me! (Ths herself ath) Is this not what you want? sent Te does cross my mind now and shen. ima: You must know one thing sexex: What is hat?rimtia: Though you have my body, you shall never have my heart sen; Well, you can'thave everything. (Looks harvard) ‘A ckousand thanks, whichever one of you di this (She sues him. They Bold their embrace os PSEDOUS Cotas, corying & vial Not ssing SESE and PATA, he (addresses eudionc) psrupotus: Would you believe 12 There was a mare sweat ing not wo streets from here, (old up vik turns, ses embrace SINEX' face ide dn from him, PSELDOLUS turns lo audience) Gets to look more lke his father every day! ants (Sill in SESE’ arms): Peeudolus, he is here saupowws: No! (ENE loos from PHILA to PSEUDOLUS, then back fo am) sexex; Remember where we stopped. (Sip ou from urader he grt t PSELDOLLS) psecpotus Sir, you're back senex (Holding his spine): She almost broke t arupotus: You've reuumed! sexe Yes! pavpowvs: Unexpectedly! sexex: Apparently! Whois she? aatz: [shall wait your bidding sexx: Yes, dear vem: Ever your servant. (Bours, st nt Seni’ hone) 36 ey sex (Sighs): Ever my servant. arvpowws (Quick): Yes, di. Your servant, Your new maid, "We needed someone ta help, ‘sex: Anew maid, She seems very loyal oruporiis: And very efficient and very courteous and very thoughtful SeNEX: Maids like me, I'm neat, Tike maids. Theyreneat ‘Something no household shovld be without. (Sings, PSEUDOLUS all he while encouraging him) Everybody ought ro havea mai. Everybody ought to have a working gil, “Everybody ought to have a lurking girl ‘To putter around the house. Everybody ought ro have a mai. Everybody ought to have a menial, Consistenty congenial ‘And quieter than a mouse, Ob! Ob! Wouldn't she be delicious, ‘Tidying up the dishes, Nest a8 pin? ‘Oh! Ont. Wouldn't she be d Sweeping out, sleeping in? Everybody ought to have & maid! Someone whom you hire when you're short of help ‘To offer you the sort of help ‘You never get from a spouse! Fluttering wp the stairway, Shattering up the windows, CCluttering up the bedroom, Buttering up the master, Puttring al around ‘The house! ot(eseun01s pentomimes a maid) Oh! Oh! Wouldn't she be delicious, ‘Tadying up the dishes, ‘Neat asa pin? ‘Oh! Ont Wouldn’t she be delightful, Sweeping out, sleeping in? Everybody ought to have a maid! Someone wo, when fetching you your slipper, wil ‘Be winsome ata whippoorwill ‘And graceful asa grouse! ‘Skitering down the hallway, Flinering through the parlor, ‘Tivering in the pantry, Liwering up the bedroom, ‘Twittering all around ‘The howe! (QnrmmTeM ents, rads atthe sight of ENE. PSEUDO- 18 hiss i) nsrenrcu: A maid? psrupowws: A maid. senex: Amaid, au: Amaid! Everybody ought to have a mad. Everybody ought to have a serving git ‘loyal and unswerving gil ‘Who's quieter than a mouse Ot Ont “Think of her at the dustbin, ‘Specially when she's just been “Traipsing about ont on! ‘Wouldn't she be delightful? 38 ee | | | | Living in Giving out! ‘Everybody ought to have maid, Dainty collecting bits of paper‘ strings, Appealing in her apron strings, ‘Bepulling in her blowse! Pattering through the atic, (Chattering in the cellar, ‘Catering in the chen, Flatering in the bedroom, ‘uttering all around the house, The house, The house! (QMEUS enters, HSTERIEM whispers fim) rycus: Amaid? metenene A maid psrunonus: A maid. sexec A maid! Bverybody ought to have a maid, Someone who's efficient and reliable, 59Obedient and pliable [And quieter than a mouse. (Oh! Ob! Wouldn’e she be so nimble, Fidaling with her thimble, Mending gown? (Oh! Oh! Woulda’eshe be delightful? (Cleaning wp "Leaning down! Everybody ought to have a maid! Someone who'll be busy asa bumblebee ‘And, even ifyou grumble, be ‘Asgraceful asa grouse! “Wriggling in the anteroom, ‘Fggling in the living-room, Giggling in the dining'room, ‘Wiggling in the other rooms, ‘Pottering all around ‘The house! ‘The house! ‘The house! (aseus exits ito his howe) siNEx: know how busy both of you are. Therefore, its for ‘ne to instruct her in the niceties of housework. (Sterting for is hous) 60 eee ‘We shall startin my room. nsrexae Sit srupOWUS: Sir, your son isin there! sexex: Oh! (Thinks a moment, her) Before my fiend and neighbor, Erronius, went abroad in search of his children stolen in infancy by pirates, he asked me to look into his house from time to time. (Ga mcr A tata fom eer ane “This seems as good a time as any. I shall have a chat with the gil in here. Send her to me. omupows: Sir sere Yes? rsrupotus: Only my great devotion to you allows me £0 speak so frankly. ‘Unseen by SENEX, PSEUDOLUS sprinkles contents of via on him) ‘You trudged along the road quite some way, and I fear ‘that the great physical exertion (Snip) sexx (Swing): Is that me?! remynowus: Yes si. cexex: My heavens, I smell like an overheated horse! T shall nave to bathe. pesopo1us: Atleast! (ENEX ete into RRONTES oust) nemiantne Why did I ever let her in the house? I should, ‘never have listened to you! srvpowus: Everything is going to be fine, pussycat. (Hands him pation book) 6nsresixe: Oh, you! You just see that she gets out ofthat ‘house. pswDOLUS (Picking up stats): And you just se that he stays in thathouse. Keep calm! (Ets to 0's hows) vsrentm: Calm? Calm? Mustn’t be excited. Calm. Calm, (Sings ext) Pmealm, I'm calm, Fm perfeely calm, Tim tery under control. Thaven'taworry— ‘Where others would hurry sol (Hteruns frantically around the stage) Tmeaim, I'm cool, A gibbering fool Is something Tnever become! ‘When thunders rambling ‘And others are crumbling, Thum. (He tries to hums it Bcomes stil sre) must think calm, comforting things: Butterfly wings, Emerald rings. (Ora murmuring brook, ‘Marmuring, murmuring, murmuring Look: (Steading his hands, seemingly calm) [mealn,Tm calm, Thaven'ta qualm, Tm utterly under control. Letnothing confuse me Or faze me— (ans) Excuse me— e rman, Oh soca, ons sex (Cal fom niderenowes's ss): Hytrin! (onto reno she aoe dred SPSStow, oer with bag op thom es RON twin he) asco, Bring up the bagage. Fetch thers fom the te (oanon po, home alas! Altor ya of searching for my long Tose, {snes som E's Rs crying lice (iden main ro) Ho good ease se bs see once more, Thete sre ‘Seep wits teas atthe sit of tei hey. amp ino) Pardon me young moan, Tut ats Tea tomy Ab only ab thet chien Avour the age of my eilren hen hey were stolen by ® (Going to his howsé) ‘We atleast have in comfort ny only hous rr rh or Hen hs) stem Sie! nnostus: And who are you? msrenre: Hysteriam, sr servant to Senex. smaosws (To pila): Yes, of course, I should have known you anywhere. (Genbe is heard singing frm inside house bit of “Bvery Jody Ought to Have a Maid") 6‘Whac was that? msrenree [didn’t hear anything (GENE sings a it mor) 1 dida’t hear that either. anos: You did not hear that eerie sound? strate Berle? smonts: Beri, as ifhaunted. MiSTERIUM (To himsel): Bere, asif haunted? (Towszoxns) Sin, what I am about to tell you is eerie Is haunted, ‘Your house is goss: Haunted? usta As haunted asthe day slong! ((SEUDOLUS enters, string the potion, listens) ngontus: Impossible! My house haunted, you say? Strange. IMSTERT: But true. Pethaps you ought to stay with relar tives .. distant relatives, manos: Yes! No! Fetch mea soothsayer ansreRTn: A soothiayer? anosius: Yes, Imust have him search my house immediately. (rsevpous puts cath coer his head, runs to MRRONTS, tants ghoulish) rsrunotus: You arein need of a soothsayer? smrownis: How did you know? rseupotes: I'd be a fine soothsayer if n't! srroxts: There isa spirit in my arvpotes: Silence! Tam about to saythe sooth! Wait (Chants inecheenth) a ee Tree, Tace everything. (GnSTERTUM ss behind amoNTUS, Paniomimes distance) ‘You have been abroat. RONTUS: Ys, Yes. psevpowws: For (Looks at werent, who flashes his ten fnges tie) = wenty yeas! (ensontes nods vigorous, HISTERIUM shades his eyes swith one hand) ‘You have been searching... fOr... (stent cad his arms, wocks then) Aauitat (ersresuec hold up to fingen) ‘Two children! anonts: Yes, yes! (ansrasavn flees his muscls) revvpotts: A fine, big boy. nono: Yes pssupowws: And... (Gnaeus places hand on is hip, pantomimes a gi) A strange, litle boy. (ansrranin shake ie Bad 2) Agiel! Agisll A boy and a gil! xnxostus: Yes! Can you find them for me? sEvDOLUS: Certainly. I can find them for you. aRONTUS (Takes ring from hs fing, gives it to rsevpoLes) ‘Each wearsa ring on which is engraven a gaggle of geese. PsruDoLUs A gaggle of what? ranostus: A gaggle of geese. Look! (Points to ving) 6‘There are only two others like fn the workd. And my children wear them. -sEuDoWS: How many geese ina gaggle? IRONIUS: Atleast even Femupows: Soren? ‘Then before T sy the sooth again you ‘must walk seven times around the seven hil of Rome. snows: Seven mes? mnsrexne Sion, sxonts: Seven mes around the seven hill? (tons enter with moe bagrogd) ‘Take itll back wo the harbor! A (Proud) Myhouseishaunted, (sutons exit with baggage. SENEx ts heard singing again, PSELDOLS jis, ei) And the sini?) SEUDOLLS: It shal be gone by the ie you have done my sae by you 7 ssoxus: Thankyou. seuvows: To the hil! snows: To the hills! (Sars forthe fatigts,rseunoLUs and HRSTERIUN stop ‘i, head hi toward he wing) sem: Thisisthe way, sit sagowtUs: Thank you, young woman! (Bat) runout (Calt): Si you forgot your gagle! (Puts ring on his own finger SENEX enters from RONTUS how) 66 sexex: Histerium! smistexroa (emping): Sic! espe Prepare my bath! ssTeRTUMe Yes, sit ‘uns ita E=RONIUS's hows) sexe: Ab, Pscudotus, that litle maid, Do you know what ‘her first words were to me? She said “Take me.” -pseuno1vs (Picking up potion bi): And you shall, sit seen... Mey. aruDoLUs (Esltng into sexex’s hone) Yes, sit, ‘senex (Starting into ERRONTUS's house): Remember, Hy’ terum, Not too hot and not 10 cold. (a0 rans on, cling) ‘exo: Phila! Phila! sexx (Stops in dors, turns) Son! wexo: Father! Where's mother? sexx (Frightened, turns)» Where?t (Reals) ‘Oh, 1—Thave returned without her. Pressing business ‘ewan appears on Balcony of SENEX'S house. Aside myx: Pecudolus told me aboutit sexo: Oh. sexx (Tore): Presently, my dear PHILA eis fo Rowse, waving, SENEX tums 19 audi enc, sings) o= Why aia he took ather that way? senax (To HERO, warn): ‘Son, ston your father’s knee. -mvxo (Sigs to euon Son, rit on your athe ‘Why did he look at her that way? eno (To Sex, tz) ome, Father, you can lean on me ‘Mast be my imagination nom (To aun) oy Hin? ‘She's lovely blooming ower, Impossible! He's usta sprout— impossible! mo: no: ‘But why i she wave at him that way? ‘She's lovely blooming flower, see He'sall worn out — imposible! ‘Why di she wave at him that way? Justa fledgling inthe nest ‘Gould there be an explanation? SJustaman who needs a rest. "Women often want father, sexe: She may want mine — it's possible! He's a beamish boy at best sexe ao: He'sa handsome lad of went, Soe Tim thirtyaine — i's posible! He's a child and love's test Older men know 20 mach more He's oo young to past — impasabe! sen so: Ta way Im forgpfour He has asthma, gout a wife, a0: Tumbago and gas — irascible! ‘Next tom, T'llseem a bore ‘Romping in the nursery All ight, fy! He looks tired .. ‘Then again, e iemy father, « 6 Bi caought to trust — impossible! "Then again, with love at my age, Sometimes i's just — impossible! ‘With a gia, Pm lavease don't fel well. HERO (To SNE, haps Sir about those birds and bees sexx (To te20, hapless) ‘Son, 2 glass of water, please ori (To audion “The situation’ fraught, Fravghter han T thought, ‘With horsibe, Impossible Possibilities! sexx (Colling this hous): Pseudolus! (Toxo) Son, it grievet me to see a boy your age moping about the howe. (esevDOUs enter, string potion) Pseudolus:1 wantyou to take Hero to the baths. Exo: Sir! secpous: Very good, si. Allow me to finish a brew master “Hero asked me to prepare (Teno) ‘Master, I shall mect you in front of the baths of Aqua Salina. You know where itis? Next co the harbor. And I shall have a surprise for you. 70 rs ee eo: Ob, yes. Yes, of course. Farewell, father, Fa.well Pseudolus, (esis) sexex: Well, he to his bah and T to mine. (OnBYESIUNC ens from ERRONTUS's howse, wing hands con tani smosremr: Just dhe way you lke its sen: One thing more, Hysterium, snsrennt Yes, si? spac I shall need a complete change of garb, Let me see ‘my tunie with the tassels! nsTeRTe: Sir, ie needs taking in, sexe Well, take it in and bring itout! esats inte TaRONTUS's howe. THSTERTUM exis énlo Senn’ howe singing 2 Bt of Tm Calm.” 1ICUS enlers from his hous) xcs: Pseudalus! The girl! Iwant to know the worst, How sche? paupotus: Shes very low. sus: Sail smiling? psnuno.Us: Laughing! (cs rend in hore) there is one hope! I have prepared a plague potion. If jtis not too late, we may yet save her Ife yous: Give itt her! rseypowus: Yes! (rsEUDOUS slots for sents house as fanfare is ear GRarnonean, deed axsoLoten, ents, carrying seo?) sont: Ho, there! (Chey turn, stare at him ith horror) aI seck the house of Mareus Lycus ‘DUS (Sanmarng superb): Who eek the souse of Myeus Leceus? sEUDOWS (A hand on CU's should}: Holds rset: Bathe... who rsrupots: You're not holding. (Tosouote, ensnciating grotesque ‘Who ie he who seeks the house of Marcus Lycas? SOLDIER: A foot soldier of Captain Miles Gloriosus! (Exons om labora saute. Fanfare erupts: Smardly done! sountmm: My captain has dispatched me to inform you that ‘he is but half league away. Prepare to greet him! (Sats, exits. Fanfare) orupows: Halfa league! revs: We have only moments! ‘srvDOLUS I'l give her the potion! seus: Yes! pszupores: Yes! (Suartforsexex’s house) seus: Waitt saupotus (Ratums to1scts): What? sexs: Don't leave me! sssuDoLUs: Why not? Deus: He's coming! PSEUDOLUS: I know he’s coming! n cus (Takes boa! from him): You speak to him, 1 give her the potion! prvpowus: Waitt You can’t give her the potion! seus: Why not? psrupores: You'l catch the plague! sncus (Hands him Boal guickh): Ol, I don’t want the plague! srupoivs: Fve got to give her the potion! seus: Yes! psrepaiws: Yes! (Starts for sexen’s hows) cus Wait seupowus: What? (Returns to13005) racvs; She isin the house of Senex! scuDoLts: What will we do? ... Does he know which howe isyour house? seus: No! resupotus (Points toseNEx's house): Thisis your house! news; Wille beliewe i? pseuporss: Get the gis! sxcvs: Good! psrupowws: I'l give her the potion! sous And Tl get the girls! psxupotus: Good! evs: Yes!ssupowus: Yes! (Start forsexax's house) seus: Wait! upows (Returns cus): What isi?! evs T forgot Psvupowws: Lyeus, we must not lose our heads! ees Yes! Not snupoLus (Seams): We must remain serene! (Fanfareis heard) ees: Paendolas, you must speak to the captain! T have no) talent for bravery. ‘parupowws: You grant me permission to represent you? evs: Complete! PsKUDOLUS: All right. Collect the courtesans and bring, them out. Then you are to waitin your house seus: Pseudolus, Tam eternally gratefol: Tam your fiend ‘until death! rseupo.ws: Go! ews: Yest rsevpowws: Yes! (Stet forsesex’s house) ews: Waid! PsEUDOLUS (Stops, yall): Not (A fanfare, and to ROVERS, dese a8 SOLDIERS, ney come to 4 smart halt. LCS ducks into his Rowse, REUDOLES puts down ation bod) ‘sscospsoLotin: Ho, there! “TaD SOLDIER: We seek the house of Marcus Lycus! ” psrupowws: Who seeks the mouse of Larkus Heekus? ‘ramen soLnten: Foot soldiers of Captain Miles Gloriosus. ‘srcoNp SOLDIER: He is but a quarter of a league avay and. ‘bids you honor this (Hands seupous parchment) psevpotus (Studie pardkment): Oh, yes, of course secon soLpien: You know what this is? psupowws: OF course I know what thisis, Thisis writing ‘rump soLoien: It is your contract with the captain. psrupowws: And a preay piece of work. What is this word here? (Points to spot on parchment) ‘nrann ovo: Thatis “yeas” ‘psrupowus: Oh, yes. Then you realize whom you are speak: ing t. secon sop: Yes, i ‘rep soto: And do you see what it says there? (Points anchor sot) pEUDOWS: Te sage... words. And Tintend to stand be- hhind those words, of my name isnot Marcus Lycus! (ansrenron ents) snsrexnune: Peudolus! seuDoLes (Without missing @ Beat): Or my name is not "Pseudolus Marcus Lycus! A moment. Tmust have aword with my eunuch. (Taking eostenten asi) ‘Come here, eunuch! nstextun: How dare you call me that? msFsmupoLUs: You know i'snot true, and Tow i's not true, 0 what do we eare what they think? nsTERIUME Those soldiers, have they come for the ie? go right in and gether. ssvvpowus: They have not come for the gir ‘come for me. ‘They have sreme: What? PSEUDOLUS: Hysterium, I have never told you this, but years ‘ago I deserted from the army. serena: Not spuDOLUS: Sh! Iwas very young. T wanted to be an archer Instead, they made me a singer. "Then, one day, at the height of bate, I lost my head. I arched when I should hnave sung. Thad to flee. STERIL: And now they have found you. Oh, Pseudolus! PSEUDOLUS: Sh! They are looking for Preudolus. 1 told them Tam Lyeus. snetemson: And Lycus you are! Rely on me! rsrupowes: I must (Picks up potion bo Hysterium, more bad news! nsremrexs Thope i's good. PSEUDOLUS: It's terrible! The girl refuses to go with her cap- ‘ain, ‘That is why I have prepared your sleeping potion You are to give her a drop or two ina beaker of wine, and ‘upon hearing me say “Present the bride,” carry her outin your arms! srenrews Trust me, Peeu— (Catches Ams, th ld) % | | ‘Truse me, Lycut (Tas bol from PSEDOLUS, speaking for sovDrEKS” engi) Igo, Lyeus, Farewell, Lyeus! (sits into sexes home) arvporss (To soLoHERS): Bid your eaptain come! His bride ‘awaits him! (souotERs eects fancy salty, re off PSEUDOLLS calls out) Lycus! The girls! Quiet 1300s (Opening is door: Yes (Calls ino hows) Bunuchs! The girl Quickly! (TorsexD0ws) ‘We shal pose them informally! PsEUDOLUS: Give the place a friendly look. (estat herd COURTESANS out of Bouse) aunvore Hurry there! Hurry! Horry! ‘enosisin: Don't you lower your voice to me! cus: You are to do exacly as Pseudolus bids. He wil rep- rvDotUs (Points seNEX'sPouss): All you girs over here! ‘Now, you eumachs (Unicates manly pote Re wants them to assume, BuNTUCHS squeal with dsight) Lycus, dowe really need these eunuchs? ayes (TeeuNers): Into the house NCHS (Chipping): Into the howse! Into the house! (BosveHS el in CU's Rouse, PSEUDOLUS arranges Ccovrresiss) Boa i i