September 2021

Learn to Shine INSPIRED

Parenting
DAAJI

Nurture Your
Children's Inner
Strengths
ANNIE MURPHY
PAUL

How to Raise
Emotionally
Resilient Children
NAOMI ALDORT

Building Community
Through Education
KIRAN BIR SETHI

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CREATIVE TEAM

Editorial Team — Elizabeth Denley, Emma

Ivaturi, Kashish Kalwani, Vanessa Patel, Christine
Prisland, Mamata Venkat
Design, Art & Photography — Janne Hartikainen,
Uma Maheswari, Jasmee Mudgal, Ananya Patel,
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Arati Shedde, Ramya Sriram, Jorm S
Writers — Ichak Adizes, Daaji, Liz Kingsnorth,
Ramya Sriram, Ravi Venkatesan
Interviewees — Naomi Aldort, Lynne Azarchi,
Annie Murphy Paul, Upama Rajasekhar, Kiran Bir
Sethi

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 Dear readers,

The landscape of parenting continues to shift and evolve as the world experiences
its own shifts and evolutions. Technology is now a consistent fixture in most
households, often consuming children’s attention more than any adult. The
internet and social media allow children to access any kind of information with
the click of a button, and their exposure to the black, the white, and all of the
nuanced colors of our very complex world happens at lightning speed, pushing
kids to learn and mature much faster.

How can we foster kind, empathetic, and grounded young people in a world
that often does not reciprocate those emotions? We hear from parenting expert
Naomi Aldort, and educator Kiran Bir Sethi. Lynne Azarchi addresses bullying
and prejudice in schools, and Upama Rajasekhar showcases the cognitive
development and confidence that develop in children as a result of Brighter
Minds. Ichak Adizes asks, “When should we stop parenting?”

Daaji continues his series on the art of removing and creating habits, Liz
Kingsnorth continues with Heartful Communication, and Ravi Venkatesan with
the Heartful Innovator series.

Happy reading!
The editors

4 H eart f u l n es s
 DAAJI
contributors
Daaji is the current
Heartfulness Guide. He
offers a practical, experiential
approach to the evolution of
consciousness that is simple, easy
to follow, and available to people of all ages and walks
of life. Daaji is also a prolific speaker and writer.
Two of his books, The Heartfulness Way and Designing
Destiny, are #1 bestsellers.
NAOMI ALDORT
Naomi is the author of
Raising Our Children, Raising
Ourselves, and one of the
leading parenting guides in
the world today. She has been
featured in the media internationally,
and guides parents but about how to have peace
without control so that children do their best, not
because they fear us or seek our approval but because
they want to. Her SALVE communication formula
has been praised as providing the best of the work
of Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication
combined and more.
DR. ICHAK ADIZES
Dr. Ichak Adizes is widely
acknowledged as one of the
world’s leading management
experts. He has received 21
honorary doctorates and is the
author of 27 books that have been translated into
36 languages. Dr. Adizes is recognized by Leadership
Excellence Journal as one of the top thirty thought
leaders of America.
Sept ember 2 02 1
ANNIE MURPHY PAUL
Annie is an acclaimed
science writer whose work
has appeared in the New
York Times, the Boston Globe,
Scientific American, Slate, Time
magazine, and The Best American Science Writing. She
is the author of Origins and The Cult of Personality,
and her TED Talk has been viewed by more than 2.6
million people. A graduate of Yale University and the
Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism,
she is currently a Learning Sciences Exchange Fellow
at New America.
KIRAN BIR SETHI
Kiran is an Indian designer,
educationist, education
reformer, and social
entrepreneur. She founded the
award-winning Riverside School
in Ahmedabad, along with aProCh
to make our cities more child friendly, and Design
for Change which is in more than 60 countries.
Her most recent venture is the Riverside Learning
Center which offers training program to empower
schools worldwide using the codified processes from
Riverside. Kiran, Riverside and Design for Change
have won accolades and awards, including The Earth
Prize, the Rockefeller Innovation Award, The Lego
Remagine Award, The Lexus Prize, and the Light of
Freedom Award.
5
inside

thought
in action
The Heartful Innovator
– Part 8
Ravi Venkatesan

focus: 30
innerview
When to Stop Parenting
Inspired Parenting Dr. Ichak Adizes
How to Nurture Your
34 Children’s Inner Strengths
Building Community
Through Education – Part 1
Interview with Kiran Bir Sethi Interview with Annie Murphy
Paul
10
38
How to Raise Emotionally
Resilient Children
Interview with Naomi Aldort
20

H eart f u l n es s
 be inspired
The Art of Removing and
Creating Habits – Part 9
Daaji
62

Enjoy Sitting at Home

Ramya Sriram
71

it changes taste
everything of life
What Are Our Feelings Change Is the Ultimate
Telling Us? Creativity
Heartful Communication Interview with Upama
– Part 2 Rajasekhar
Liz Kingsnorth 74
50

Can Learning Empathy

Prevent Bullying?
Interview with Lynne Azarchi
54

Sept ember 2 02 1
f ocus
Your children are not your
children. They are the sons
and daughters of Life’s
longing for itself.

KAHLIL GIBRAN
Building Community
Through Education

KIRAN BIR SETHI

is changing the
experience of
childhood in Indian
cities through her
education curriculum
and initiatives
to build healthy
relationships between
students and their
communities. Here
she is interviewed by
KASHISH KALWANI.

10 H eart f u l n es s

Q: I’d like to begin by asking,
“What book are you currently
reading?” and “What book
would you recommend
children read?”
Well, the book I have at my
bedside is The Bhagavad Gita
for Daily Living by Eknath
Easwaran. It’s something I keep
dipping into. Just open any page
and you’ll find some wisdom for
that day.
What would I recommend to
children? Again, it depends on
which age group. Forget what
I recommend – I definitely
recommend that they read! I
think the worlds that open,
the way they can visualize
and imagine, and the way
they will develop empathy are
outstanding.
I was always with books. My
sister was also an avid reader
and we had a fantastic library
at home. The worlds that
opened up sitting at home in
a little corner were literally
astounding. I could travel the
world! And the way I was
able to develop the ability to
visualize is unparalleled. Of
course, now we have cinema
and videos, and while it is great,
it is a very passive way to look
at the world. With a book, we
put the effort into imagining;
it’s not just handed to us. It’s
not like a pretty picture, or an
art gallery. While reading, we
put in the paints, the colors, and
the spaces. It really activates
our neurons. That’s the science
behind it.
It’s wonderful if children read,
or are read to, when they are
very young, as part of a family’s
traditions.
Sept ember 2 02 1
F OC US
Q: Piggybacking off your
mention of the Bhagavad Gita,
who has been your biggest
teacher and how did they
impact your life?
When we are ready to learn, we
learn from anybody. We learn
from a butterfly, from Gandhiji,
from a child, and from Nature.
Everything can influence
us. When we open up every
morning and say, “I’m ready to
learn,” we never know where
those lessons will come from.
Having said that, there are
certain places we keep going
back to in order to get a dose of
inspiration. For me, it started
with my own family, who
introduced me to the world,
and how to engage with the
11
FO C U S
world with empathy, kindness,
integrity, and excellence.
Then, my biggest personal
learning happened at the
National Institute of Design
(NID) as a designer. I would
attribute my alma mater with
figuring out, “Okay, so this is
what learning really feels like.”
My husband, Geet Sethi, who
is a nine-times World Billiards
Champion, has taught me a lot
about obsession and excellence,
and how to stay grounded and
understand failure and victory in
such a deeply personal way.
Then, my children. My son
introduced me to what it is to be
a mother and what my purpose
was. He made my passion find
a purpose. My daughter is an
incredible source of insight
for me because she is a type 1
diabetic, and the way she lives
her life is a constant source of
learning for me. No matter what
you are given, you can make
it a gift and then anything is
possible.
In terms of outer inspiration,
Gandhi has been a massive
influence in terms of stamina.
Through it all he still had a
sense of humor and compassion,
and there was absolutely no
animosity toward anyone. That’s
a fabulous lesson to learn.
And then there is Nature.
Whenever I have a bit of
downtime, I sit outside. I am
very lucky to have birds, trees
and butterflies around in my
ecosystem. It’s a beautiful source
of renewal to see how the Earth
always gives back, no matter
what.
Q: That’s so true! We are in very
uncertain times with Covid,
and education spaces have
shut down completely. Children
are feeling uncertain without
the safe space of school and
friendships – the experience
of a school life. What do you
believe are the next steps
for education? Is there some
learning to be had from all of
this?
Absolutely! I think Covid
has unmasked the entire
dysfunctional system of
the world. We were always
struggling. I don’t think anybody
felt the education system was
 F OC US

fantastic. There was always the

sense that something was off.
We kept delaying the urgency
to look at it because, “Oh,
maybe it happened in Africa,
then in Asia, then in India.” We
justified it by saying, “That’s your
problem, not my problem.”

Suddenly it became everyone’s

problem at the same time, with
the same urgency, with the same
inequity! Nobody could shy away
from the fact that we were all in
it together. Suddenly, everybody
started waking up, as if this was
a surprise. But it wasn’t. It was
always dysfunctional.

Therefore, there were those

people who said, “Boss, this isn’t
working,” who showed other
possibilities. There were pockets,
which I won’t call “alternative,”
but the other options. There were
other ways to look at education.
They had been seen as, “That’s a
good experiment, but you know
we can’t do it at scale.”
Understanding ourselves and each
other takes time, space, dedication
Covid has shown us that if we
don’t start with the heart, we’re and intentionality. If we have learnt
not going anywhere. We have
to move forward with heart. It’s anything from this, it’s that the
the only place that is universal,
perpetual, and will stand the test heart, ethics, elevation, reflection,
of time. If we don’t, and we only
study the heart as co-curriculum,
kindness and compassion will
just for fun, we will lose the become the core curriculum.
plot again. I think that’s why
everybody has got worked up. Everything else will flow from that.
FO C U S

Understanding ourselves and
each other takes time, space,
dedication and intentionality. If
we have learnt anything from
this, it’s that the heart, ethics,
elevation, reflection, kindness
and compassion will become the
core curriculum. Everything else
will flow from that.
Q: I really love the fact
that you use the heart as
the guiding factor in going
forward.
To fuel us!
what happened? The point is,
when economics was factored
in, suddenly the world decided,
“We have to do something!”
The pandemic of education has
been there forever. Nobody has
ever thought that collectively
we have to work, because it was
always somebody else’s problem.
When we do come together, we
will do dramatic, exceptional,
outstanding things. We have
never thought that education
requires it. There has never
been a collective will – for girls,
for unreserved communities,
for access, for training, for
leadership – it’s all of that. A
systemic change is needed, but
if governments keep cutting
education budgets, it gives an
understanding of their priorities.
Education is by far the greatest
national emergency and the
greatest national opportunity.
If we tackle it, then a nation’s
entire citizenship goes up.
You suddenly have informed,
educated people giving back to
the nation. Right now we don’t.

Q: Yes. Even when we

look at the World Health
Organization’s reports about
suicide and mental health
issues, we see an increase
for students below the age
of fifteen. Girls as young as
thirteen are dying by suicide.
How do we address the root
cause of this?

Well, there are no simple

answers. There is a spiderweb of
issues. Equity is not just about
access, it’s also about intention.

For example, when Covid hit,

there were a lot of calls for
vaccines and everybody kept
saying, “No, no, it’ll take at
least three years for a vaccine to
come up,” because that is what
we were used to. Look what
happened! In less than eight
months, when we got our acts
together and worked together,

14 H eart f u l n es s
 FOC US

So, there is no easy answer to, to the whole program!” There is Q: Could you share with us
“Why are they dying by suicide? a system that rewards them for your initiatives, “Design for
What can we do?” This is a being quiet and compliant. That Change” and “aProCh”?
much bigger spiderweb of issues. offered me the opportunity to
say, “There must be a better way.” aProCh started when a couple
Q: Let’s go back to the very of my students from Grade 7
beginning, your childhood. When I took my son out of visited me and asked about my
Tell us about your personal school, it was not like, “I’m childhood. I told them about
journey. changing the education system.” playing Gilli Danda and Dabba
It was just my child, my son’s Ice-spice on the streets where
My journey is quite a collection life. I think that finally resulted I grew up, and they said, “We
of happenstances along the way. in the Riverside School being cannot go out in the streets, it’s
There was no real plan. I think what it is. too unsafe.” That prompted us
that’s been my general flow. I
don’t have five-year plans. I was
very lucky to have an incredible
upbringing. I didn’t know that
gender mattered. I think that’s
the greatest thing my parents
gave me. I’m the youngest of
three. I have a brother and an
older sister, both exceptionally
talented people, and none of us
were brought up to think that
we were a girl or a boy, and any
of us needed something more. It
was important not to have those
rules in my head. If you’re not
brought up to believe the rules,
anything is possible. That’s the
beauty.

When I went to NID, my view

opened up so much more. My
passion was ignited about the
user-centered idea, with the user
in mind. I had no plans to start a
school. When I was in school, I
thought I’d become a doctor.

When I became a mum, my

passion found its purpose in
figuring out, “This can’t be true!
Children can’t be so incidental

Sept ember 2 02 1 15
FOC U S
to go to the city and say, “How
can a city become friendly for
children?” and aProCh started.
Design for Change happened
in 2009 when we asked, “At
Riverside, how do we take
it further?” My friend was
planning a really interesting
idea called “Joy of Giving.” We
were talking about a festival of
giving in India, so I said, “What
about children?” It was a series
of opportunities and I was
able to respond with design. I
thought it would happen only in
India, and then TED happened
and it went global. A series of
pathways opened up: “Okay,
16
what is required? Let me see if I
can respond.”
Q: I love the enthusiasm you
are sharing with this. You’ve
mentioned your parents and
children. I have read about
your children and the fantastic
work they’re doing. Taking
inspiration from both, what
do you feel is important for
nurturing and raising children?
H eart f u l n es s
Well, it’s not rocket science.
I think it is to be a mother
and not a smotherer. We don’t
smother children, we mother
them, and our role is very clear.
Our role is to be on that journey
with them as an ally, not as
somebody who is forcing them
to walk on a particular path.
I love what Kahlil Gibran says
in his poem ‘On Children’ in
 F OC US

I love what Kahlil

Gibran says in
his poem
‘On Children’ in
The Prophet:
They really aren’t
ours. They are
here to go to the
world, and I have
learned that it’s
an interesting,
passionate
detachment.

The Prophet: They really aren’t
ours. They are here to go to the
world, and I have learned that
it’s an interesting, passionate
detachment. We can be
passionate about the journey
with our children, but can we
still stay detached? It is a tough
task for a parent, but that’s what
I have learned.
My son and my daughter have
taught me these lessons. While
they’re there and we can reach
out, we will find those directions
ourselves. And we would love if
they come with us on that. I’d
rather be that parent who goes
on those journeys than one who
says, “No. Don’t do that.”
It’s really about learning who
we are, not about who they are.
I think parenting gave me the
understanding that, “I thought I
was this kind of person, but I’m
so neurotic and sometimes I’m
so painful!” It awakens stuff in
us that we didn’t know existed
and that awakening is why
they’re children. It is not that we
can teach them anything. I think
we learn a lot.
Q: When you talked about
attachment, it reminds me
of the example of a flower
blooming. If you truly love the
flower, you’ll let it be rather

Sept ember 2 02 1 17
than getting attached and
needing to pluck it.
Again, none of it is rocket
science. You can read a lot
about it, but while you might
intellectually know it all,
putting it into practice is the
hard part. I had to grow into
becoming detached. It’s easier
said than done. One thing I have
definitely learned, which has
served me well, is to listen and
tell stories. Also, always have joy
in the house. I think these are
far greater ingredients to serve
the heart than anything else.
Joyfully greet your children. Let
their faces light up when they
see you, because they’re picking
up cues even unbeknownst to
you.
18
What you teach is less
important than what they’re
observing. They’re learning
what you’re not teaching them.
They’re learning from your body
language. They’re learning from
the way you interact with each
other. They’re learning from the
way you talk to your friends.
What you say is less important
than what you do.
Children might not always listen
to us, but they will always mimic
us. Are we worth mimicking?
What do we want them to
mimic? They pick up ideas of
ethics very early. They pick up
all of it. They will pick up the
way we talk to a waiter in a
restaurant, or the way we talk
about saving the Earth. So, all
the messages we convey through
H eart f u l n es s
our actions, our behavior, will
determine what we stand for.
I tell parents, “The way you greet
each other and give each other
respect will determine the way
your children will respect their
own partners when they grow
up. Take that very seriously.”
I remember so many stories
my father used to tell us at the
dinner table. Nowadays there are
no dinner table conversations.
Everybody is on their phone, or
an iPad is front of a child.
Q: That is unfortunate. I
wonder how we can channel
technology to help bring us
closer, which it indeed has
in these times. Even so, I
personally have very mixed
opinions of social media.
 FOC US

I am of the generation that didn’t Q: Finally, is there any last I have learned
grow up with all of this. I am a message that you’d like to
reluctant convert! share with us? that we don’t have
Q: The answer might be I have learned that we don’t have tomorrow, we only
obvious, but I would still love to tomorrow, we only have today.
know what you feel is better, a Find a moment to be kind, to have today. Find
reach out, to love a little bit
degree or experience?
more and more shamelessly. Be
a moment to be
I don’t think it’s either/or. I abundant to Nature today, not kind, to reach out,
think if you really make the tomorrow.
most of your education, then to love a little bit
get a degree and supplement
it with experience, as that is a more and more
great marriage of the two. Had
I not gone to NID and pursued
shamelessly.
the rigor of the program, I
Be abundant to
would have been a lesser-skilled
practitioner. Of course, the Nature today, not
degree alone doesn’t make it
work. I had to then go into the tomorrow.
world and build a portfolio of
work, and that experience was
also invaluable. Wherever both
are possible, that’s the best.

Currently, there is a disregard

for degrees. Degrees matter
when they are quality education.
But if we understand the
rigor and value of disciplinary
thinking, and supplement it with
experience, it’s a great marriage.

There is value in putting your

head down and writing pieces
and getting feedback, even if
you’re prodigiously talented. I
would not discount the rigor of a
disciplinary mind.

Sept ember 2 02 1 19
 HOW TO RAISE
EMOTIONALLY
RESILIENT
CHILDREN
PART 1

NAOMI ALDORT is the author of Raising Our

Children, Raising Ourselves, published in
nineteen different languages. She guides parents
via phone, Skype and workshops internationally,
bringing peace and clarity to both difficult
situations and everyday family issues, including
marriage, pregnancy, birth, diet and lifestyle,
and child development for children of all ages.
Her S.A.L.V.E. communication formula has been
praised as providing the best of the work of
Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication
combined. In this exclusive interview with
LAKSHMI ARAVIND, Naomi shares her wisdom
on how we can raise emotionally resilient,
well-adjusted, authentic children.
Q: All kids encounter stress in
their lives to varying degrees,
and despite our best efforts as
parents we can’t always protect
them. Kids get sick, they have to
move schools and environments,
deal with bullies, cyber bullies,
exams and tests. They may face
family breakups and grief due
to loss. On top of all this, we
also live in a fast-paced world,
where we want quick solutions to
problems. But this is the time to
pause and think of how we can
do the best for our children.
Naomi, welcome and how are
you today?
I’m doing well, thank you, and I’m
delighted to be here with you.
Q: Awesome, so let’s get started.
The first question is: What
are the basic tenets of your
philosophy for raising children,
and why emotionally resilient?
Where I depart from the
mainstream way of parenting
is that I am not into shaping
children and making them. I
hold children as creation (if
you’re religious that means God,
otherwise Nature) and they are
perfect creations just as they are.
So my whole approach is about
Sept ember 2 02 1
allowing children to be rooted in
themselves rather than in what
we want for them. Parents want
children to learn this, to be there,
to sleep in their own room; all
this “wanting” for our children.
We cannot chew food for another
person, we cannot breathe for
another person, and likewise we
cannot want for another person.
A baby is a time bomb. It’s a
grown-up in a small body with
its potential not yet unfolded.
We need to know the limitations,
but we need to respect them like
we respect God. This is not our
making.
21
FOC U S

So that’s the main difference in my not shaping them; watering the babyhood – that’s why I always
philosophy. It’s not permissiveness, flowers, not painting the color of say that everything I teach is from
it’s not license. We still need to the petals or telling them when to babyhood to adulthood, because
guide and be leaders, but we need come out. it’s the same principle.
to be leaders who enable children
to unfold who they already are. Let me say a little bit about how So many parents ask me, “How do
we do harm. What do we do? I get my child to move out of the
I always use the analogy of Well, we’re taking the inner power family bed?” – if they even sleep
watering a flower so it will of the child and we’re destroying with the child. And I say, “Well, if
bloom – not so that it blooms it in many ways. We give messages you have to trick them and make
your way, your color, or to your to children that their inner voices them go to their own bed, then
timing. It’s already in the design. are somehow wrong. They have they’re not ready.” You’re teaching
They’re going to walk at a certain to do what we say, not what they them not to listen to their own
time, they’re going to talk at a say to themselves. It starts in voice.
certain time, they're going to
sleep by themselves at a certain
time, they’re going to read at a
certain time – anytime between
age four and thirteen or fourteen.
It makes no difference later on.
Whether children learn to walk
at one or two, we all learned to
walk at different times and talk at
different times. Einstein didn’t talk
until he was four. What difference
does it make once we’re unfolding
ourselves into adults? And in
terms of resilience, again, with
the utmost reverence and spiritual
recognition of who a baby, a child,
a human being is, they are born
resilient.

Our job is not to ruin that. And

unfortunately, we ruin it a lot. We
get in the way, and then, when
it’s ruined and things aren’t going
well, we ask, “Gee, what do we do?
Our child is doing this.” And then
we are convinced that we have to
shape them because we unshaped
them to a point where it’s not
working. My teaching is about
nurturing who is already there,

22 H eart f u l n es s
Then they tell me, “Well, to be
independent, don’t they need to
sleep by themselves and soothe
themselves?”
I say, “No. You’re not sleeping
right yourself. You’re not soothing
yourself. You go for therapy if
you’re really upset, or to your
friends. Why should a baby, who
is scared to death for survival, or a
young child, sleep by themselves?
And when you give them the
message, ‘You should sleep by
yourself,’ even though they feel
inside, ‘I want to sleep next to
mommy and daddy,’ then you’re
telling them, ‘Don’t listen to
yourself.’ And that kills self-
confidence, that kills the self,
because we constantly tell them
how they feel inside is wrong.”

And another way we kill resilience

is by distracting babies and
young children from suffering.
It is almost contradictory. On
one hand, we tell them that they
shouldn’t suffer. On the other
hand, we cause the suffering when
we put them to sleep somewhere
else and tell them, “Hey, put up In terms of resilience, again,
with it!” That stresses them because
it is a primal need. Then, when with the utmost reverence and
they have suffering that is not a
primal need – they don’t get their spiritual recognition of who a
candy, their friend isn’t playing
with them anymore, later on their
baby, a child, a human being is,
girlfriend/boyfriend leaves them
they are born resilient.
– then we try to distract them.
We start with babies; when a baby
cries, we say, “Look here, look
there!” or “Here, play with this!”
and we tell them, “Hey, you know

Sept ember 2 02 1 23
FOC U S
you can handle suffering, you can
handle pain.”
I teach the opposite. Meet your
baby’s needs, be kind with your
teenager, and with all ages, but
sometimes life offers challenges.
Sometimes there is suffering.
Grandma does die. Uncle cancels
his visit. Toys break. Friends won’t
always play with them. So, I always
tell parents that instead of fixing
everything – which tells children
that they can’t handle it, and that
weakens them – let them know
that it’s all right. Validate their
feeling.
Let’s say a child comes out of a
room full of children and says,
“They won’t play with me. They
told me to leave,” most parents say,
“Oh no! Let’s go in and I'll fix it
for you.” The parent talks to the
other children: “What happened?
Please be inclusive,” and what is
the child learning? “I’m weak and
dependent, and I need the adult to
come and rescue me so that I get
what I want.”
Now the response I advocate,
when the child comes out of the
room saying, “They won’t play with
me. They told me to leave,” is, “Oh,
you want to talk about how that’s
feeling?” Maybe they’re crying.
After they express their feelings
(and sometimes they don’t express
much because they look for “What
am I supposed to feel?” from the
parent), I would just say, “Okay,
what would you like to do instead?
24
Would you like to help me in the kitchen? I’m making lunch,” or “Would
you like to sit here? I have some nice books and puzzles here.”
If it’s not my own child, but a guest, I would say, “Would you like me to
call your mom to pick you up?” I’m letting the child know that they can
handle the fact that the others are not playing with them. I don’t ask,
“What did you do that they’re not playing with you?” That’s blame and
shame. Definitely not a good idea.
I don't make it seem like it’s a big problem, but if it is a problem for
them, I listen. “Tell me, I see you wanted to play so badly, so do you want
to tell me how you feel about it?” I listen to them. Then, the next step is,
“I understand how you feel. What would you like to do instead?”
We often teach them to want things, and we teach them to always get
what they want. Then they can’t handle not getting what they want. We
say, “No, don’t call him stupid! It will hurt his feelings.” We’re teaching
them to be weak and to be hurt. When I see a child calling another child
“stupid,” I say, “Me too!” and I give an example of how I’m stupid. Then
they learn to accept.
It’s like the Zen story, “Without Blinking an Eye.” I’ll tell the short
version. It’s about the General of an army in Japan that is going from
village to village killing everyone. Most people run away and escape. He
comes to one village, and he’s told by his soldiers that the Zen master at
the top of the hill in the monastery hasn’t escaped. The general is enraged:
“How come? Doesn’t he know who I am?”
I always tell parents that instead
of fixing everything – which tells
children that they can’t handle it,
and that weakens them – let them
know that it’s all right. Validate
their feeling.
H eart f u l n es s
So he goes up to the monastery,
looks at the little old man and
says, “How dare you! Don’t you
know who I am? I could run you
through with my sword without
blinking an eye!”
And the little Zen master says,
“And do you know who I am?
Someone who can have your sword
go through me without blinking
an eye.”

Can we raise children to hear bad

words – the sword, the criticism –
with gratitude? When somebody
criticizes them and calls them
names, can they say, “Tell me
more”? There is nothing we don’t
have. We may be generous, but
we’ve been greedy. We may smell
good, but we’ve been stinky. We
may be peaceful, but we’ve been
angry at some time. It’s like, “Tell
me more. I’m learning. Everyone is
a teacher for me.”
We are teaching to “wants” and
teaching children to defend
themselves and to think that
they’re always good. We are
teaching instant gratification.
We are teaching by distraction –
“Here, here, have some ice cream,
it will help you forget about what
happened with the other kid.”
We are teaching children to run
away from suffering. Also, we
are praising, creating a need for
children to seek approval all the
time, rather than being themselves.
We teach them to run away from
the self, which creates insecurity
and low self-esteem. And we run
them toward success – everybody
has to know so much. And we put
them on the competitive mill to
be successful, to have money, to
have a profession, to be the best.
And then they are afraid and
develop anxiety, anxiety to please
others, anxiety not to be oneself,
to avoid what they really want and
feel inside, and to do all this stuff
that is expected of them. That’s
very anxiety-provoking, because
it’s easy to be oneself, but it’s very
hard to read other people and
please them.
Q: I think we all need to hear
that. I’m one of those parents
who used to step in and fix it for
them right away. And we don’t
realize how hurtful it can be
for our children in the long run.
We’re really not teaching them
to be resilient. As you say, we
have already destroyed their
resilience, and somehow we have
to undo all that.
We live in a world where there’s
immediate gratification, and all
the time we want to give the
best to our children. We don’t
want them to get hurt at all. In
a world where there’s constant
comfort and stimulation, what
can we do about that?
To teach emotional resilience, we
have to not unteach it, because

Sept ember 2 02 1 25
FO C U S

they already have it. Look at

babies, who behave like they’re
To teach emotional resilience, we
the most deserving creatures on need to avoid teaching them to be
Earth. A little discomfort and
they cry. They want to nurse triggered. Like what I said before,
and they tell you. You put them
to sleep somewhere else, they instead of teaching them that
scream. It’s very clear that they’re
resilient, they can handle it, they
name calling is a bad thing, ask
can express feelings, and they can
them to find how it’s true for them.
handle life and our mistakes, too.
Teach them not to be defensive.
But to teach emotional resilience,
we need to avoid teaching them We teach them by modeling.
to be triggered. Like what I said
before, instead of teaching them
that name calling is a bad thing,
ask them to find how it’s true
for them. Teach them not to be
defensive. We teach them by
modeling. If our spouse tells us,
“Hey, you’re lazy,” or “You did this
or that,” what is our automated
reaction? “No, I’m not! No, that’s
not what happened.” What I teach
to create resilience is, “Yes, I am.”

I actually teach healing games

where members of the family
get together and, through games,
through play therapy, learn to
accept when somebody criticizes
them or calls them a name. We
need to stop blaming others,
making all this justice thing,
which is part of why people are
so emotionally weak. Take sibling
rivalry, for example: “Mommy says
I am wrong.” Don’t ever take sides.
Just listen to each one and help
them find the solution simply by
listening to them. You don’t ever
have to fix things. They solve it

26 H eart f u l n es s
 FOC US

themselves. When you come into

their room and they’re fighting,
listen to each one of them until
they’re done. Let each one tell
their side, and when the other
interrupts and says, “No, that’s
not what happened,” I say, “Wait
till she’s done, and then you’ll tell
what happened to you.” I don’t
ever take sides.

Another way to help children

to be strong is to let them find
their own solutions and express
themselves. The first chapter in my
book talks about self-expression.
But the main thing is that we’re
killing strength through the
constant need for approval, by
expecting children to live based
on external rewards, praise and
grades. In order to enable inner
peace, children need to be rooted
in themselves, responsible for
creating their own inner joy, no
matter what another person is
saying about them. That’s true
power.

To be continued.

Sept ember 2 02 1 27
thought in action
 If you fall in love with
the imagination, you
understand that it is
a free spirit. It will go
anywhere, and it can
do anything.

ALICE WALKER

Illustration by JORM S
 The Heartful Innovator
– Part 8

3 WAYS TO OVERCOME MENTAL OBSTACLES

In his previous articles, RAVI VENKATESAN outlined four key aspects

of the “inner state” that we want to fine-tune to become Heartful
Innovators. He explored the role of the Intellect, Ego, Mind, and
Awareness, and their transformation in enabling innovation. He also
covered ways to overcome barriers to innovation, like stress, fear,
uncertainty, and doubt, collectively known as FUD. In this article,
he explores the role of a couple of key enablers of innovation –
imagination and courage.

30 H eart f u l n es s

I
n his series on Yogic Psychology, Daaji describes
imagination as follows: “Imagination is a very
important mental faculty with which we form
and create new ideas, images and concepts
that cannot always be verified by pramana. It is
necessary for creativity, innovation and discovery,
but it can also lead us into a spiral of delusion.”
The Sanskrit word “pramana” means proof. So, in
essence, imagination gives us access to envision
something that doesn’t yet exist and cannot be
proven or verified.
I have always found it very interesting that many
innovations seem to appear first in science fiction
before making their appearance in real life. For
example, an iPad-like device was shown in Star
Trek decades before such devices became a reality.
Ironically, we make it up first, and then we make it
a reality.
Like many of our capacities, imagination can be a
double-edged sword. As a kid I used to have the
bad habit of compulsively making up things and
lying. I remember telling a grand-aunt an elaborate
tale about a machine that would automatically
make all kinds of food and serve it. All of it was
made up. This caused my parents a lot of worry and
they tried correcting me through various means.
Eventually, someone advised them that I may just
have a hyper-imaginative mind and they should
encourage me to write stories to channel this. That
idea helped a lot. Later I started composing music,
and this was another channel.
The point is, especially for innovation, this mental
faculty of imagination can be very useful, however,
it can also go wrong. As with most things, to use
it effectively we need to regulate the mind so that
capacities can be channeled in the right direction.
Sept ember 2 02 1
T HOUG HT IN ACTION
Heartfulness Meditation is a wonderful tool to
accomplish this.
Describing the importance of imagination,
Einstein said, “Imagination is more important
than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas
imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating
progress, giving birth to evolution.”
Courage is another aspect to explore. Courage
builds the bridge from idea to execution. If we
have a sufficiently-evolved imagination, then
ideas will come. To take the next step from idea
to execution requires courage. Again, just like
imagination, courage has a dark side, which is
recklessness. When courage is not refined and
regulated, it can lead a person to take excessive
risks, to gamble, or worse, to do things that have
negative consequences for society at large. Think
about every dictator and conqueror in history.
They were no doubt courageous, but their courage
unchecked led to horrific actions.
Describing the importance
of imagination, Einstein
said, “Imagination is more
important than knowledge.
For knowledge is limited,
whereas imagination
embraces the entire world,
stimulating progress, giving
birth to evolution.”
31
THO U GH T I N ACT IO N

It would not be an exaggeration to say that almost To make this real, try the following:
every significant innovation has required a lot of
courage on the part of the innovator. Think about
Ford deciding to build the Model T in 1909,
making cars commonplace. Think about Elon Practice envisioning
Musk wanting to send humans to Mars, creating what could be, whether
a company that could lead the market for space this is a new process or
transportation, something only large government- product or even a new
sponsored organizations had done before. practice.

The most important role courage plays in

innovation is not overcoming the fear of failure,
which of course it does, but overcoming the fear of Ask yourself: What
criticism, which in many cases is a greater fear. is blocking me from
making this a reality?
Is it support, financial
constraints, or any kind
of fear?

Ask yourself: How can

I muster the courage
to explore this idea?
Can you create and
build the muscle of
taking calculated and
thoughtful risks to fulfil
your dreams?

If you can develop this muscle, you have taken

another important step toward becoming a
Heartful Innovator!

32 H eart f u l n es s
 JUST THINKING AND FEELING

DR. ICHAK ADIZES explores some aspects of parenting, in

particular when to let go of the role, and how to develop mutual
trust and respect between parents and children. He also
extrapolates his ideas to succession planning in organizations,
so as to enable growth and continuous improvement.

W
e’ll start with a joke. A guy goes to
work and he’s all scratched and bloody
and blue and beaten up. So his co-
workers ask him, “What happened?”
“I buried my mother-in-law yesterday.”
“What happened?”
“She did not cooperate.”
This is an extreme situation when you try to parent
somebody you should not parent anymore.
What I’m learning in old age is that at a certain
point in time, children resent being parented.
Don’t want to be told what to do, don’t want to
learn the experience of the elders. That was not
true in the past. My grandfather was the boss. His
word was law, including for my father, who was in
his 40s. My father was also the dominant figure
in my family, and I never dared to disobey him.
He continued giving me advice and instructions
on what to do until he died. I didn’t like it, but
I listened. Yes, it was in the last century. I am 83
now.
screens without them. I am constantly asking
for help with the latest changes to my computer
applications. I am the ignorant student. They are
the knowledgeable teachers now. They’re influenced
by TV, by social media, by external factors, school,
their friends; so the impact of the family and
its control over their behavior is diminished
significantly. Thus, they rebel earlier. If you try
to control them, they simply run away. You can
see that, especially in America, where children
graduate from high school and go to college as far
away from home as possible. And then find jobs far
away from home too. They want to be independent,
and if you try to continue parenting them, they
resent it and they don’t call back any more.
We need to learn to cut the cord and let them go
their way. Unless we are asked for advice, don’t
offer it, let it be. The extreme cases are when you
try to parent your son-in-law or daughter-in-
law. That’s even worse than patenting your own
children. They resent you to the point of the joke.

Today, it’s a different world. Children become An interesting analogy is for succession planning
“adults” early. They know the computer technology in a company. Starting a company is like having
better than us. I could not operate the latest TV a child. You love the company. You spend more

34 H eart f u l n es s
 T HOUG HT IN ACTION

time building the company than you spend with
your own children. And the day comes when the
company is big enough to have good management
beyond the founder, and they too want to exercise
authority and lead. Can the founder let go, and let
them make mistakes, or does he or she continue
to “parent,” continue to make all the decisions
to be sure no mistakes are made? And what
happens? Like with children, the good ones leave
and the weak ones stay, accepting the stage of
disempowerment they are in, so the company will
grow only as far as the founder is still active to the
fullest. And when he or she dies, the company will
eventually die too, because there was no successor
who could lead.
Just thinking and feeling,
Ichak Kalderon Adizes
https://www.ichakadizes.com/post/when-to-stop-
parenting

Sept ember 2 02 1 35
innerview
When we begin to know
ourselves in an open
and self-supportive way,
we take the first step to
encourage our children
to know themselves.

DANIEL SIEGEL

Illustration by ANANYA PATEL

 How to Nurture Your
Children’s Inner
Strengths – Part 1
ANNIE MURPHY PAUL is a journalist and author who writes about the biological
and social sciences. Her books include Origins: How the Nine Months Before
Birth Shape the Rest of our Lives, The Cult of Personality Testing, and The
Extended Mind: The Power of Thinking Outside the Brain. In this interview by
UDAY KUMAR, she speaks about her latest book, and the implications the
extended mind has for children’s development and how we learn.

38 H eart f u l n es s

Q: I want to congratulate you on
The Extended Mind, because this
topic is not for the faint-hearted.
The more I read, the more I feel
the pains and the tribulations
you have gone through to stitch
the whole story together and
make sure it holds. How did you
come across this? What gave
you the signal that this is it?
It was a long and winding road, as
books sometimes are. I started out
with the idea of writing about the
science of learning. I focused on
that in my magazine journalism
for a while. It actually pretty
closely followed the contours of
my own life, because I had done
the research and recording for
Origins when I was pregnant
with my second son. Then, when
my sons were older and went to
school, I became very interested
in their learning, the instructions
their teachers were giving them,
how that all worked. I knew I
wanted to write something about
the science of learning, but I
couldn’t seem to find a big idea
that would pull it all together.
The more I explored the science
of learning, the more it felt like
a collection of techniques and
methods that were very useful, but
there wasn’t a big idea for me as a
writer, which I need to get excited
and pull me through all that hard
work.
So I started widening the range
of things I was reading, including
venturing into philosophy and
cognitive science, and that’s how
I came across the 1998 article by
Clark and Chelmer on the idea
of the “extended mind.” I don’t
remember it being a lightbulb
moment, but it eventually came
to be the idea that pulled together
all the threads. I felt they were
in some way related, but I really
could not put my finger on how.
Things like embodied cognition
and situated cognition, the way
the physical place affects the
way we think, and then socially-
distributed cognition, the idea that
Sept ember 2 02 1
INNERVIE W
we think with other people. All
those things seem to be modelling
how thinking happens, as opposed
to the conventional idea that it all
happens in the head.
But until I encountered the idea
of the extended mind, I didn’t
have a name for what exactly I
was talking about. And then from
there, I wouldn’t say it all fell into
place, but it gave the book the
spine that I needed to string all
those different pieces together.
Q: How long was the project
overall?
It’s hard to say, because the science
of learning stuff kind of morphed
into what I was writing about
the extended mind; the science
of learning material flowed into
the extended mind. I would say
I was working on the book itself
probably for five years, but I was
writing articles, doing research,
and reporting on the science
of learning for five years before
39
 INNER V I EW
that. That really informed what I
eventually wrote in The Extended
Mind.
Q: It shows! I am halfway
through your book right now, and
I am taking my time because I
am also looking up the research
studies that you are referring to,
and in many ways it has made
me a student of the subject. In
Heartfulness there is the idea of
moving from thinking to feeling
– the journey of consciousness
moves from thinking to feeling
to being to a state of non-being.
So I got onto your concept of
the extended mind immediately.
This is brilliant coming from the
angle of science. In your book,
there is a sentence, “The future
lies in thinking outside the brain.”
Do you want to talk a little about
that – what you see from that
standpoint when you talk about
the future?
Yes. I think I wrote that the
future lies in thinking outside the
brain in the context of how very
complex our culture has become.
As humans, we have created
this incredibly complex culture
and society, which in many ways
is beyond the capacity of our
biological brains to handle. We are
interacting with this 21st century
world, with all these enormous
challenges and complexities, but
we are still using our Stone Age
brains, which evolved for very
different kinds of purposes. Our
40
brains didn’t evolve to deal with
abstract concepts so much as
they evolved to move the body,
manipulate physical objects, relate
to other people, and navigate
through space.
So these are the things the brain
does easily, effortlessly and well.
The more we can leverage those
natural human strengths in the
service of the things we ask the
brain to do, at school, at work, and Thinking outside the
in our daily lives, the better those
activities will go. But we have this brain, drawing in
bias – I really think it’s a prejudice
– against thinking outside the these extra neural
brain. We almost fetishize the
brain as a sacred organ, when it
resources, and
really has these built-in limits using them skillfully
that are just a product of its status
as a biologically-evolved organ, is our best shot. It’s
and they are shared by all of us.
We are obsessed with individual humanity’s best
differences and intelligence, when
the main thing we should really be shot to tackle the
focusing on are the limits that are
common to all of our brains, and
serious problems
thinking about how to transcend that face us.
those limits, because we really do
have to meet the challenges of the
moment.
I am thinking about climate
change and political polarization.
These huge challenges we have are
so complex, and we need to meet
these moments as individuals and
as a society, and the biological
brain is not really up to that job.
So thinking outside the brain,
drawing in these extra neural
H eart f u l n es s
Sept ember 2 02 1 41
INNER V I EW

42 H eart f u l n es s

resources, and using them skillfully
is our best shot. It’s humanity’s
best shot to tackle the serious
problems that face us.
Q: I intuitively get it. I think it is
something we have lost over
time. It comes to us naturally if
we are receptive enough, and
that’s where you talk about the
whole idea of interoception,
and how the body is actually
communicating with the brain.
In your work, as you were looking
at and reading some of these
things, was there any research
or idea around the interplay of
the heart and the mind? I am
not talking about the pump, the
organ, but the field of operation
that we keep harmonizing with
and with which we achieve a
state of flow.
Yes. That’s how I tried to structure
the book. Extending with
the body, then space, and our
relationships with other people, I
see it like a set of concentric circles
that are rippling ever outward.
Q: As a reader, how do I apply
some of these basics as a busy
professional in consulting, who
has billed all the hours and still
has work left to do? Do you have
any tips you want to share with a
working person on how to extend
the mind?
Sept ember 2 02 1
INNERVIE W
Let’s start with that one
thought you just mentioned –
interoception, the capacity for
sensing the internal signals of our
bodies. I think we have this notion
in our society that to do difficult
mental work means to push the
body aside, to push it out of the
picture, just be a brain working at
a desk, at a screen. It is a mistake
to think that that is how the best
kind of thinking happens. It’s
actually cutting out a huge source
of human intelligence.
What I would recommend for that
consultant, to help with his busy
schedule, is rather than powering
through and gritting your teeth
and ignoring the body, take a
moment to settle back into your
body, and remember you have a
body. Tune into what your body is
telling you. That can be a source
of really valuable information that
you will be missing out on if you
are not in touch with it.
In the book, I describe using a
meditation exercise, the body scan,
to pay close, non-judgmental and
open-minded attention to all those
sensations that are arising in the
body all the time, but which we
often in our busy-ness ignore or
push away. Pay attention to those
signals and, over time, you can
learn what they are telling you, and
how they can guide your behavior.
43
INNERV I EW
It doesn’t have to take long. It’s
just a matter of remembering to do
that – checking in with your body
rather than acting as if you are just
a head, from the neck up.
Q: I like that, and the body
awareness exercise you share
in the book. In Heartfulness, we
have some of these exercises like
guided relaxation that we teach
to children. I had my kids do this
through the pandemic before
they started school, because
they were not used to so much
screen time. Also, observing
which nostril is dominant at any
point in time and seeing how it
switches.
I also read the part in your book
where you talk about expertise
– how being an expert is not just
about mastering those 10,000
hours. Experts are actually
extending, trying more, tracking
more. While we are breaking
down the holy altars of the brain,
can we also break down the
concept of expertise?
I definitely see that connection. A
word that I really like, which was
coined by one of the originators of
the theory of the extended mind,
Andy Clark, is “brain-bound.” We
have this brain-bound approach
to work and school, and also to
expertise. We think about expertise
as an individual putting in those
10,000 hours to become an expert,
and there’s very little reference to
how, for example, nobody becomes
44
an input by themselves. It’s
quintessentially a social process,
and that’s something I write in the
book: People like physics graduates
or doctors-in-training become
experts by interacting with others
and being socialized into their
fields. It’s true of all of us.
I mentioned those two because I
cite some studies in regard to them
specifically. We think of experts as
doing it all in their heads, we think
of experts as knowing exactly what
to do and doing it, and it is very
clean and efficient. But actually,
experts are the ones who are out
there mucking around in the real
world, getting feedback in the real
world, trying out new things, and
figuring out how things work. That
is another type of thinking outside
the brain: where you’re not doing
it all in here the head, you’re doing
it out in the world.
When you think about an expert
designer or architect, they’re
often making models of the
project they’re working on or the
problem they’re trying to solve,
and interacting with that model,
moving their body around the
model. They’re not doing it all in
their head. Artists and designers
often say that their best ideas
emerge in the process of sketching,
and drawing, and iterating their
ideas on paper. It’s not as if they
have the idea inside their head
and they just dictate it. It happens
in the process of doing the work
itself. I think we have some
H eart f u l n es s
 INNERVIE W

Experts are the ones who are out there

mucking around in the real world, getting
feedback in the real world, trying out new
things, and figuring out how things work. That
is another type of thinking outside the brain:
where you’re not doing it all in here the head,
you’re doing it out in the world.

Sept ember 2 02 1 45
INNERV I EW

The more we can incorporate these other

aspects of the body, of movement, and of
social interaction, the more we can pull those
into academics, and leverage them to make
learning more effective.

46 H eart f u l n es s
mistaken ideas, some brain-bound
ideas about what expertise is and
how it works, and if we want to
become experts it would be a good
idea to revise those.
Q: I completely agree. There is
also this element of intellectual
humility that experts have.
They’re willing to accept what
they don’t know and listen. I
think it is also a sign of the
extended mind, where the mind
has factored in the humility of
“What I know is less than what I
don’t know.” I think that’s where
experts keep growing, while
others maybe taper off over
time.
Now, extending the idea of
expertise, that instead of people
thinking better they extend their
minds better, how do we teach
our children these skills? Not in
terms of a policy, but from what
you see, from your research, are
there any thoughts on how to
teach kids, how to design their
work spaces?
I think there are so many
implications for what we could
be doing right now with our kids,
with our students. You mentioned
earlier that you tell your kids about
tuning into their bodies before
school starts. Scientists have found
all these individual differences in
how people are attuned to their
internal signals, and the reason
those individual differences arise is
because of differences in the kinds
of messaging children receive from debating, and storytelling. These
their caregivers. “Is it okay to listen are all ways we can leverage
to my body? Is it okay to take children’s natural sociability, social
those messages seriously, or am I instincts and interest in the social
supposed to ignore those messages world in the service of what we
and pretend they don’t exist?” want them to learn.
So encouraging our kids to tune To be continued.
into their bodies is certainly one
thing I have taken away from the Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL
research, in terms of what I do
with my own kids.
I’ve also stressed to them the
importance of movement and
gesture. Again, we have this idea
that thinking and academic work
happens when students are sitting
quietly at their desks, when really
the human brain and body evolved
to move, and there are so many
ways movement can enhance
thinking. Likewise, being outside,
often we can combine those two
things: movement and being
outdoors. Those two things can
work together to really replenish
depleted stores of attention and
executive function. It’s a lot to
ask kids to sit inside hour after
hour, focusing on these things that
they are not necessarily naturally
interested in.
The more we can incorporate
these other aspects of the body,
of movement, and of social
interaction, the more we can pull
those into academics, and leverage
them to make learning more
effective. I talk about thinking
with other people, and thinking
with peers, about teaching others,
Sept ember 2 02 1 47
 it changes
everything
Don’t mix up that which
is habitual with that
which is natural.

MARSHALL B.
ROSENBERG
 Heartful Communication
– PART 2

In this 3-part series, LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces the importance

of effective communication, some principles of Heartful
Communication, and how we can better understand our
personal feelings and longings, and the feelings and longings of
others. In Part 2, Liz explores why we think and behave the way
we do, giving examples of how our communication will improve
as a result of this understanding.

were not true, perhaps because we wanted to

M
arshall Rosenberg suggests that
underlying all our actions, words,
and choices, are the human “needs,”
aspirations, and longings that we want fulfilled.
They are the motivators for our behavior. “Needs”
may include safety, justice, belonging, to be heard,
to have a sense of self-worth, to have purpose or
meaning, to be accepted, to learn, to contribute,
to have fun, to have peace. We do what we do and
say what we say in order to try to meet a particular
need. These needs are life-serving; in their essence,
they positively contribute to life. Some needs
are easy to understand, for example, going for
a promotion to ensure security for the family,
spending time on social media to meet a need for
connection, complaining about loud music because
of a need for peace to relax. Other behaviors are
not so easy to understand, for example, not telling
the truth. What needs might underlie this choice?
I imagine each of us has said things at times that
protect someone from hurt, or protect ourselves
from criticism. Our motivation is to protect. If a
child denies breaking a window when we know
they broke it, our first reaction might be to scold
them for not telling the truth. We might brand
the child as a liar and thereafter doubt their word.
If we feel into the child’s need underlying their
denial, is it not self-protection? That is a need
we all share. Perhaps they were punished in the
past when they owned up to a mistake, so they
have learned it’s not safe to tell the truth in such
circumstances.
So, how might we support a child to be honest,
other than by punishing them when they lie?
Whenever they acknowledge they have made a
mistake – “Yes I broke this,” “Yes it was me who
ate Mum’s chocolate, ” – can we welcome their
honesty, affirm how we all mess up at times, and
then together think through how the mistake

50 H eart f u l n es s
 IT CHA NGES EV ERY THING

Sept ember 2 02 1 51
IT CH AN G ES EVE RY TH I NG
could be sorted out? In other words, replace the
use of fear with trust, with respect, with love.
So here’s a key shift in our awareness – from
criticizing a person’s behavior to trying to
understand the underlying need behind their
words and actions. What are the needs and values
that are driving them? This awareness opens our
hearts and enables us to realize our connectedness.
It’s a choice. Awareness brings choice. This choice
can be liberating for us and for those with whom
we are relating.
Let’s take an everyday example of a family
argument between a parent and their teenage child.
The parent is frustrated by the teenager constantly
being on their mobile phone with friends, even
during mealtimes and late into the night, so they
forcibly remove the phone. The teenager disappears
into their room in a rage and refuses to come out.
There’s a major stand-off. What each of them
say and do to express their needs, in other words
the strategies that they use, infuriate the other.
52 H eart f u l n es s
Strategies are what we want; needs are why we
want it. The parent has needs for the teenager to
be healthy, and to participate in the togetherness
of family life. The teen has needs for connection
and friendship with their peers – to belong. As
a young adult, they also value autonomy and the
independence to make their own choices.
The conflict lies at the level of the words
and actions, the strategies, not at the level of
the underlying needs. These are needs we all
understand and experience; they are shared by
all human beings – not necessarily at the same
time, and not necessarily with the same intensity,
but we can relate to them once we become aware
of them. The parent understands their child’s
needs for connection and autonomy, and the teen
understands their parent’s wish for health and
togetherness. In fact, the need for connection is
common to both.
The solution to this conflict, and any conflict,
lies in recognizing and respecting the underlying

The solution to this
conflict, and any conflict,
lies in recognizing and
respecting the underlying
needs, then looking for
different strategies, new
creative ways forward,
where everyone’s needs
are taken into account.
needs, then looking for different strategies, new
creative ways forward, where everyone’s needs are
taken into account. It is not A’s way or B’s way,
but a third way. This is why families all over the
world endeavor to come up with agreements
about phones that everyone feels okay with.
To help us understand this concept of underlying
needs as motivators for everything we say and do,
let’s take a few examples:
1. Why have you chosen to read this article?
What needs are you hoping to meet?
2. If you tell your partner how much you enjoy
their cooking, what needs are you fulfilling?
When we express appreciation to another,
isn’t this fulfilling our need, our wish, to
contribute to someone else’s happiness?
While we may also have an agenda of
making sure we get dinner tomorrow too,
I’m convinced that wanting to contribute to
the well-being of others is one of the deepest
human needs.
Sept ember 2 02 1
IT CHA NGES EV ERY THING
3. What might be the needs underlying bullying
behavior?
Do you sense that the person may have poor self-
esteem and want to be seen as powerful, to feel
that they are someone? Bullies have usually been
bullied themselves and have felt the helplessness
that turns to anger. So may they have a need for
recognition or respect? There could be a wide
range of needs, and often they are not conscious.
Remember we don’t have to like or agree with
certain behaviors in order to try to understand
them more deeply.
Marshall Rosenberg offers us this thought: “Every
criticism, judgment and expression of anger is the
tragic expression of an unmet need.” It’s tragic
because those forms of expression hurt others and
hurt our own hearts. Learning to hear the unmet
needs behind criticism or anger – whether coming
from someone else or from inside us – will support
a new understanding.
Deep attentive listening is a cornerstone of
Heartful Communication. Often we want to
be listened to more than we want to listen! In
his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,
Stephen Covey offers us a habit that can transform
our interactions: “Seek to understand before you are
understood.” If we have an intention to really listen
and understand another person first, this creates
a warm connection and opens the field between
us for dialogue. Any communication starts with
our intention. In Heartful Communication, our
intention is to connect: with the Source, with our
own heart, and with the heart of another person
– what matters to them in this moment? So we
listen.
To be continued.
Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL
53
Can
Learning
Empathy LYNNE AZARCHI is the Executive Director of the
Kidsbridge Tolerance Center in New Jersey. It is the

Prevent
only youth-oriented tolerance center in the US. The
center focuses on providing an immersive learning
experience for children from kindergarten to eighth

Bullying?
grade around the strategies of bullying prevention,
diversity appreciation and respect. In this interview
with EMMA IVATURI, Lynne talks about Kidsbridge,
key principles that every classroom carries, and the
importance of empathy in a learning environment.

54 H eart f u l n es s

Q: What are the origins of Kidsbridge?
Kidsbridge was started twenty years ago by a
young man whose mother was a teacher. He
started the organization in her honor, realizing that
more than ever before there was a need to teach
children and educators diversity appreciation and
bullying prevention. We started with the concept
of a multicultural museum to teach children
about respect and kindness, and ten years ago the
museum opened. It is now called the Kidsbridge
Tolerance Center. Since then, we have built upon
the original concept with activities that address
kindness, respect, sensitivity to people with
disabilities, victim empowerment for bullying, and
being an UPstander.
As the years have passed, we have adapted in order
to keep up with the fact that society and kids are
changing so quickly. As a result of our research
and assessments, our activities have improved a lot.
For example, we had a Kid Heroes room, but then
learned from our research that not every kid feels
that they can be a hero, so that activity evolved
into being about personal strengths and working
with others as a team. Other activities have
evolved from teachers’ comments or parents saying
something.
By listening to people, and supporting our
activities with research, the Kidsbridge activities
are now research-informed and evidence-based.
We can show statistically significant improvements
Sept ember 2 02 1
IT CHA NGES EV ERY THING
By listening to people, and
supporting our activities with
research, the Kidsbridge
activities are now research-
informed and evidence-
based.
in empathy, empowerment, and moral reasoning as
a result of our programs. We do assessments and
make sure each activity is effective.
Q: What is an UPStander, and how do you
encourage every child to be one?
We start with personal strengths. Kids self-identify
with the things they’re good at, so we help them
discover how those individual strengths can
be used in some way to be an UPStander. Not
everyone can be a leader, but they can help others
as a follower or a supporter. We have an activity
where we provide strategies and tactics on how to
approach a bullying or name-calling situation.
We’re hoping that when kids come to the Center
feeling, “I can’t do this, this is too scary, I’m not
prepared,” they will practice skills and tactics. Then
they will start to think about the challenges in
55
IT C H AN G ES EVE RY T H I NG
advance, so that when an UPStander opportunity
arises, they are ready. Then they can work together
with their peers and adults.
With teachers, we arm them with the latest
research and activities, so that they can create
caring classrooms. Anybody can be an UPStander.
Q: What are some of the principles you use when
working with children?
Many schools have assembly programs and
classroom programs to address bullying, but the
research indicates that these programs don’t work.
I call it “finger wagging.” So, what happens in an
assembly, if you say, “Okay, bullies, stop bullying!
56 H eart f u l n es s
Targets, go tell an adult. UPstanders, intervene”?
I think that kids already know the right things to
do, but they’re not practiced in them, and they’re
afraid to do them because of peer pressure. So this
is why our pedagogy is very effective.
The pedagogy of Kidsbridge is small face-to-face
group discussions and activities – no electronics,
interpersonal – because that’s how kids learn.
So they learn from our activities, our scripts, our
wonderful facilitators, and they also learn from
each other.
We work with The College of New Jersey’s
Psychology Department. The college students
administrate pre- and post-surveys, and the
data are analyzed in the psych lab, so that we
know whether our activities are working or
not. We hone our activities as a result, and they
are now evidence-based. We see a statistically
significant improvement in attitudes like empathy,
empowerment, moral reasoning, stereotype
awareness and religious diversity.
Last semester, we did a Heartfulness and
Mindfulness activity with the kids, and we are
very proud to include this activity. Why? Because
research says that children are increasingly under
stress and that’s very upsetting.
Having statistically analyzed the effects of
the program, we can proudly report that
the Heartfulness and Mindfulness activity
significantly reduced stress. The results show that
the survey participants demonstrated significant
improvements in three aspects: Observe, Accept
without Judgment, and Act with Awareness. The
results imply that this new program is beneficial
for both middle and elementary school students.
 IT CHA NGES EV ERY THING

We see a statistically
significant improvement in attitudes like
empathy, empowerment, moral reasoning,
stereotype awareness and religious diversity.

Sept ember 2 02 1 57
58 H eart f u l n es s

Q: What are some of the benefits teachers have
reported in their classrooms?
Children report that they feel more comfortable
standing up, that they know what to do next time,
and that it’s not as hard as they thought it would
be.
Here are some quotes from teachers:
“The students were engaged, on task, and the
group was organized. The facilitators maintained
control and continued to enforce objectives. The
assignments opened up their eyes to diversity and
bullying prevention.”
“The activities were great for this age group. They
learned how to speak to others, and who may be
different. They also came up with ideas on how to
help others. I love Kidsbridge! Please come back.”
“The students really enjoyed the heart and mind
role-play. The breathing technique was wonderful.
Nice calming activities.”
“The objective was achieved. The facilitators tapped
into their background knowledge and experience
with mindfulness and meditation. The students
responded well and were fully engaged.”
I found the teachers loved these mindful activities.
Q: What are some essential tools for children to
develop so they can face the challenges in this
day and age?
Let’s consider the types of problems we see today.
Increasingly, Muslim children are bullied and
harassed. Of course, they get support from home,
but we’re hoping to teach them and their teachers
Sept ember 2 02 1
IT CHA NGES EV ERY THING
how to respond when they’re teased and bullied,
using some of the strategies.
We have taken strategies from The Youth Voice
Project by Charisse Nixon and Stan Davis, who
researched what works for kids: Make a joke, walk
the victim away, make a distraction, go to an adult.
So we really focus on strategies that are useful
for Muslim children, gay children or children of
color, as bullying and cyber bullying are especially
increasing for these children.
It’s also important to energize the teachers, so they
feel confident with a teacher’s guide and follow-up
activities to take back to their classrooms so as to
create a caring community.
And with the increase in bullying and
cyberbullying, (and the pressure of increased
testing), Heartfulness and Mindfulness are even
more important than ever today. The kids are
more often online, anonymous, and some of them
feel fearless in being mean online. Kidsbridge
recognizes how important Heartfulness is in
providing our children with tools to calm down,
breathe and focus on what is important, so they
don’t feel overwhelmed or hurt themselves.
Illustrations by ARATI SHEDDE
59
 be inspired
No life can be successful
without self-discipline.

THE MOTHER
 Shining Simplicity
THE ART OF REMOVING AND CREATING HABITS
PART 9
DAAJI continues his series on refining habits, in the light of Patanjali’s Ashtanga
Yoga and current scientific and yogic principles and practices. Last month, he
explored the second Niyama of contentment, santosh. This month he shares
his insights on the next Niyama, known as tapas, which is often translated as
austerity, but which has a much more interesting and exhilarating meaning.

Simplicity is the final achievement.
—Frédéric Chopin
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
—Leonardo da Vinci
Kriya Yoga – externalization
Let’s do a brief review of where we have traveled
so far in refining our habits in the light of
Patanjali’s Ashtanga Yoga. First, we explored the
five Yamas – the giving up of unhelpful habits,
including violence and aggression, falsity, hypocrisy
and multiple personas, dishonesty, the pull of the
senses toward unregulated desires, possessiveness,
and greed. Next, we have explored the first two
Niyamas – the filling of helpful qualities in the
heart – purity and contentment. We have also seen
how each successive habit has followed naturally
from the previous one. They build upon each other
in a cyclical way, like a positive feedback loop,
creating a web of character changes that forms a
firm foundation for our evolution.
Patanjali considers the remaining three Niyamas
to be even more closely interrelated. They are tapas
(austerity), swadhyaya (self-study), and Ishwar
pranidhan (awareness of and surrender to God),
and he defines them together as Kriya Yoga – Yoga
in action. Having worked to change our thought
patterns, the results must now express in our outer
behavior, in action. Up until now, it has all been
about inner change, mental and emotional well-
being, but now Patanjali turns to action. At the
beginning of Part 2 of his Yoga Sutras, the section
on “practice,” Patanjali says:
Sept ember 2 02 1
B E INSPIRE D
2.1: Tapah svādhyāyesvarapranidhānāni
kriyā yogah
Austerity, self-study, and God-awareness together
constitute Kriya Yoga (Yoga in action).
2.2: Samādhi-bhāvanārthah,
Kleśa-tanūkaranārthaśca
It promotes meditation flowering into Samadhi
and minimizes tensions.
We are now externalizing our thinking and feeling
into action. Kriya Yoga is the action that arises out
of Yoga, and it is made up of these three Niyamas.
Just as Yoga is defined as citta-vritti-nirodha, the
state in which “the ideational choice-making
movement of the mind slows down and comes to a
stop,” Kriya Yoga arises out of that inner still state,
free of any turbulence.
But Kriya Yoga is actually more about the inner
awareness and choices that define our action
in every moment. This awareness purifies our
activities of any negative effects of ego, removing
selfishness. It propels us away from a habitual way
of living, driven by the past, to a life lived in the
present.
The second sutra above explains the results of
Kriya Yoga: Through meditation (bhavana) we
experience Samadhi, and at the same time the
complexities of our tensions (klesas) are removed.
The advances in Heartfulness during the last 150
years have made this whole process much easier,
63
BE I N SP I R ED

Kriya Yoga is the action that arises out of

Yoga, and it arises out of that still inner state,
free of any turbulence.

64 H eart f u l n es s

because of yogic Transmission, also known as
pranahuti, and because of the Cleaning process
that removes the complexities from our system.
With pranahuti, we experience the inner stillness
of Samadhi during meditation, and this transforms
us from the inside out. The three Niyamas of Kriya
Yoga then arise naturally as external expressions of
that inner state. In fact, all the Yamas and Niyamas
are expressions of the inner state of stillness. All
the habits and qualities are contained in seed form
in pranahuti.
At the time when Patanjali wrote the Yoga Sutras,
however, the method was more laborious: Yogis
practiced Kriya Yoga in order to promote Samadhi.
Now, is one approach better than the other?
The reality is that both must go on in parallel.
Pranahuti makes it faster and simpler, because we
start by experiencing the inner state of Samadhi in
Heartfulness Meditation.
Cleaning also makes it faster and simpler, because
the complexities that block our awareness of the
inner stillness are removed in an almost effortless
way. But then, the onus is on us to make sure we
absorb that inner state and let it radiate from
every atom of our being, so that our actions are
in sync. Otherwise, we lose the inner condition.
Nature dictates that outer and inner must match,
otherwise there is tension, and we slip back to the
lower state due to entropy.
There is one very simple way to prevent this
slipping or falling, and it is the most vital aspect of
Yoga, love. Our feeling level of connection binds
us and holds us to the Center, or more commonly
to the Master who is connected with the Center.
This is known as bhakti, the inner gravity that
connects our orbit to him. While he is cradling us
in this weak force of love, which can expand over
Sept ember 2 02 1
B E INSPIRE D
Kriya Yoga is more about
the inner awareness and
choices that define our
action in every moment.
This awareness purifies our
activities of any negative
effects of ego, removing
selfishness. It propels us
away from a habitual way
of living, driven by the past,
to a life lived in the present.
vast distances like gravity, we have the possibility
of working upon our character so that the Yamas
and Niyamas become an integral part of our
personality. This is one of the many reasons why a
spiritual Master is so vital in the process of inner
change. Without his support, our pre-programmed,
subconscious, unwanted habits will keep pulling us
back to lower levels time and time again. With his
support, there is vitality, as inner gravity holds us to
the Center.
Tapas
The first quality of Kriya Yoga is tapas, which is
generally translated as “austerity,” so it is not the
most popular of Niyamas! People much prefer
“contentment.” The word austerity evokes images
65
BE IN SP I R ED
of tightening the belt when times are tough,
downsizing and counting pennies, no indulgence,
no fun, and even torture. But this is a very extreme
and distorted view of tapas.
Actually, rather than being anything to do with
enforced hardship, tapas is a direct result of the
previous Niyama, contentment. It is the process of
simplifying and purifying our being into a shining
state, radiating love and light. Instead of “austerity,”
we can use the words “plainness” and “simplicity,”
where “plain” means unembellished and original.
The outcome of all yogic practice is this ultimate
simplicity, and my teacher, Babuji, describes the
approach in the following principle, “Simplify your
life so as to be identical with Nature.”
Simplification and plainness are one aspect
of tapas. The Sanskrit word tapas comes from
the root, tap, meaning “to shine,” also meaning
“heat” and “intensity.” Tapas is to be intensely,
super-sensitively aware of everything, internally
and externally, with the self-mastery to respond
from a state of centeredness. Normally, when
people perceive things in the outside world, their
consciousness is enlivened and pulled outward. This
creates vibrations in the subtle body, which hook
onto similar vibrational patterns or cognates of
memories from past experiences. As a result, they
perceive the present situation in the light of those
past experiences. It is like retrieving data from
storage and using it to predict the present moment,
which is done all the time in data modeling.
Yogis do something very different. While resting
in a state of inner stillness, drawing the senses
inward through the yogic process of Pratyahara,
they are not pulled outward by the movement
of thought energies through the vrittis. Instead,
they hold their energies within and remain in
66 H eart f u l n es s
stillness, creating an intensity, a potential, and that
intensity is also another aspect of tapas. It purifies
consciousness in much the same way that fire
purifies the dross from gold ore. It is associated
with the fire element, and it is also associated with
Pratyahara. And it is this centeredness that allows
us to continuously maintain a beginner’s mind.
So, tapas is not about austerity in the sense of
self-harm or suffering imposed from outside
forces, as many people have wrongly assumed
throughout the centuries. It is about self-
purification and simplification. The attitudinal
shift, from something imposed and negative to
something that evolves from within and is positive,
comes with expanding consciousness through
meditation. Tapas is the process of continuously
refining ourselves to become the best we can be. As
Chopin said, “Simplicity is the final achievement,”
and da Vinci said, “Simplicity is the ultimate
sophistication.” It is something sublime, something
worth aspiring for as the greatest expression of
human potential.
Tapas is our trajectory toward a simple life,
an uncomplicated life, an austere life, with
great awareness, great sensitivity, and great
flexibility, constantly refined by purification and
simplification. It is wrapped in love, starting with
self-love, self-compassion, and self-awareness,
and culminating in becoming love itself. In
Heartfulness, it is not something to be practiced;
it is the natural result of our meditative inner
practices. We can say that these practices are our
tapas, and the more intensity we bring to them, the
more transformative they become. We shine, and
the fragrance of Divinity radiates from every atom
of our being, just as the wind is the conduit for the
fragrance of sandalwood trees in the forest. I have
spoken about this in the series March to Freedom,
 B E INS PIRE D

Tapas is about self-purification and simplification.

It is the process of continuously refining ourselves
to become the best we can be. It is something
sublime, something worth aspiring for as the
greatest expression of human potential.

Sept ember 2 02 1 67
B E I N SP I RED

describing the state we arrive at when we reach

chakra 10 of our inner journey. This is where the
inner intensity of tapas really starts to manifest, Tapas is our trajectory
once we have arrived at the realm of God,
expressed so beautifully in the mystical love poetry toward a simple life, an
of Radha, Rumi, Kabir, Rabi’a Basri and Meerabai.
I wish that all of you will have the opportunity to uncomplicated life, an
experience this sublime state.
austere life, with great
awareness, great
How do we attain this state?
sensitivity, and great
Along the way, what helps us to keep going until
we reach this state? Awareness and attitude; flexibility, constantly
essentially the awareness of the difference between
needs and desires.
refined by purification
and simplification. It is
What happens when we are forever complaining
about the challenges we face in daily life – with wrapped in love, starting
family members, worldly worries, colleagues at
work, and friends? Will we see the Divinity and with self-love, self-
the potential for growth in the problems life
throws at us? Unlikely. And when we are busy compassion, and self-
judging others for their faults and mistakes, will
we see the Divinity in them? Also unlikely. The
awareness, and
attitudinal shift we are looking for is not to be culminating in becoming
pulled down into the entanglements of the worst
of our shared humanity, but instead to rise up to love itself.
the highest awareness of beauty, love and light.
We are looking for an inner state of acceptance,
without expectation, with a carefree, cheerful
contentment. see that the most evolved mystics and yogis were
often not those who ran away from everyday life.
In ancient times, tapas was often thought to be Many were immersed in the day-to-day dramas
hard, the result of arduous penance, both physical of family, work, and normal society. They refined
and mental, renouncing daily life and living in themselves through these everyday lives. This holds
a forest, on top of a mountain, or in a remote true for both ancient and modern-day mystics
ashram away from human society. When we look alike. What is required is attitudinal shift. Today,
back throughout history, however, we can easily we acknowledge this fact – that a more effective

68 H eart f u l n es s

approach to purifying and potentializing the
human system is to live within the structure of
society, solving the challenges of family life, work,
and social issues, with equanimity and poise.
This is our training ground, and every day we
are given ample opportunity to refine ourselves,
rise higher, and let go of negative thoughts and
emotions. Does it mean we are not discerning,
unable to distinguish between what is right for us
and what is wrong? Not at all! But it means we
approach each situation and each person with the
generosity of an awakened heart – contentment,
calmness, compassion, courage, and clarity.
Sept ember 2 02 1
B E INS PIRE D
The effect of tapas
The effect of tapas has also been described by
Patanjali in the Yoga Sutras when he says:
2:43 Kayehdriyasiddhiraśuddhiksayāttapasah
Austerity brings about mastery
over the body and the senses through
the elimination of impurities.
This adds another dimension to our experience.
Mastery over the body and the senses is another
outcome of tapas. Remember the “intensity” that
69
BE I N SP I R ED
Imagine now that your
intensity is so heightened
that you have 360-degree
awareness of everything
that is happening both
inside and outside you: The
flows of energy
throughout your system,
the blockages in that flow,
the tensions that
accumulate with stress,
the effect of circadian
rhythms on your
physiology, behavior,
thoughts and feelings, the
vibrations in the
atmosphere around you,
what is happening in
others, etc.
70
we explored earlier in the article? Imagine now
that your intensity is so heightened that you
have 360-degree awareness of everything that is
happening both inside and outside you: The flows
of energy throughout your system, the blockages in
that flow, the tensions that accumulate with stress,
the effect of circadian rhythms on your physiology,
behavior, thoughts and feelings, the vibrations in
the atmosphere around you, what is happening in
others, etc. In reality, we know so little about the
physiology and psychology of the human system,
the three bodies – physical, subtle and causal – and
the interplay among them, and the interplay with
the outside world. Science may be discovering new
information every day, but there is still so much to
be uncovered by the great scientists.
With the awareness that comes as a result of
our tapas, with the removal of all the mental
modifications that Patanjali describes, we are then
able to perceive these directly. Also, as we journey
through the chakras, from the Heart Region to the
Mind Region to the Central Region, our human
potential expands in ways we cannot possibly
envision. This real purpose is the promise of
Heartfulness, and of the shining simplicity of tapas
we achieve through the practices, which results
in the purity that Patanjali describes. It is an
awe-inspiring journey and I wish that you will all
experience it for yourselves.
H eart f u l n es s
taste of life
 Without creativity, there would be no progress,
and we would be forever repeating the same patterns.

EDWARD DE BONO

I llu s t ra t i o n by JA N N E H A R TI KA I N EN
 UPAMA RAJASEKHAR is a Brighter Minds facilitator. Here,
PURNIMA RAMAKRISHNAN meets with her and some of the
children she facilitates in the program, to learn firsthand
about their experiences.

74 H eart f u l n es s

I
had heard a lot about the Brighter Minds
program, when I had a chance encounter with
one of the facilitators, Mrs. Upama Rajasekhar,
and this meeting was perhaps one of the turning
points in broadening my own perception about the
world in so many ways.
“So, why did you decide to become a facilitator?”
“I wanted to train my son. He is an archer and
wanted to master blindfold archery, so I wanted to
help him realize his dream. The rest, as they say, is
history.”
This was just the start of the conversation. She
invited me to interact with her students. When I
joined them, I felt like I had entered a sci-fi movie
set, the likes of Asimov’s second foundation series.
“My son changed and developed so much in
just two days of the program, that we felt this
is something all children in the world should
experience,” said Upama.
“So what exactly happened?” I asked.
“Have you heard of the term sensory perception?
Our brains can sense certain things from the
atmosphere, depending on their capacity of
perception. When their functions and capacities
are heightened, we can perhaps call it super-
sensory perception,” responded Upama.
“So, do these kids acquire a sense of perception
than is more heightened than normal people?”
“Well, that is not exactly true,” answered Upama.
“To an extent, however, we are awed by their
abilities to learn quickly and the way their
Sept ember 2 02 1
TA S T E OF LIFE
memories improve. Their intuition develops, and
this leads to better confidence in everyday life.
They have a pleasant personality, and we just feel
so empowered around them. Let me introduce you
to some of the children, and you can interact with
them to see what I mean.”
Some of the kids were familiar, because they were
from near where I lived, and they sat down to chat
with me.
One boy said, “Aunty, you should see me
performing while blindfolded.”
This young boy was blindfolded and then guessed
the colors of colored balls correctly. I was awed. I
had heard of such things, but never witnessed it
with my own eyes.
“What else can you do?” I asked him, wanting to
see more.
“Aunty, close your eyes and think of something,” he
replied.
I closed my eyes and wondered what to think of.
For some strange reason, my attention went to the
dry deserts, and I could see a pyramid being built
in the distance. I went nearer, and noticed that
there were so many workers, who were probably
slaves. I saw a pharaoh nearby, but then thought
that a child couldn’t figure out something so
complicated, so I decided to focus on a single
pyramid. I opened my eyes to see the boy in a deep
concentration.
“Aunty, I can visualize some laborers,” he said.
“What were they doing?”
75
TAS T E O F L I FE

“They were building something,” he answered.

“What were they building?”
“A pyramid, I think.”

I stopped him, and gently asked him to open his

eyes. I think I couldn’t take more than this, so I
told him to go back to his friends.

“Upama, how did he do this?” I asked.

“So, did you think of a pyramid?” she responded
with a question.
“I visualized exactly what he mentioned – some
people building a pyramid in the desert,” was my
answer.
“It happens. I am not surprised. Some children
have that uncanny ability to tap into their abilities
at the most appropriate times. But it does not
happen all the time.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“There has to be an environment of calm and
composedness. They have to be completely relaxed
on all planes. So that is why we relax them at the
beginning of the session using the Heartfulness
Relaxation technique. And then we proceed to the
other activities of the Brighter Minds program.”

“So in their minds, in their calm composure, are

they really able to know exactly what someone else
is thinking?” was my next question.
“Neuroplasticity!” responded Upama, with
great emphasis. “It just means that the brain
cells reshape or remold themselves depending
on various external and internal stimuli in the
exercises. We have exercises for the right and left
hemispheres of the brain, for the eyeballs, and
many other things. We also have certain music
which stimulates the brain and helps it to enter
the alpha and theta states. We always encourage
children to be natural. We are not rigid in the
exercises. Who knows what these kids could lead
us to! So, a certain amount of flexibility is required
as a facilitator. We facilitate the children in their
journeys to realize their true potential.”
My next question was, “Don’t you think the
children could start getting proud of their
achievements, their confidence spilling over into
over-confidence?”
“When they go through their journey, when their
minds are opening up in such a magnificent way,
there is no place for ego. There is no place for
pride. The children feel humbled and awed, feeling
confidence in the higher support, as they evolve.
Their hearts are refined, and their humility is also
refined. The more they know, the more they realize
that there is a lot more to traverse.

76 H eart f u l n es s
 TA S T E OF LIFE

“Let me tell you about how I feel – there is no

place for pride or ego in this work. I am happy
seeing these children. I have trained 500 children
so far, and I have seen them flower so beautifully,
There is nothing great in
without ego being inflated. Every day I thank God
what we are doing here.
that he chose me to do this in my life, where I can
be of use for humanity’s upliftment.” We are not creating
I also had an opportunity to interact with Upama’s history. We are not
son: “So, did you learn blindfold archery?”
“Yes,” he responded, “and I am happy for that.” making magic. We are
So I asked, “What has changed in you from
within?”
just helping people
“Ideas come. I am curious. I have changed. Feeling realize their true
change itself is creative. I was a limited version
earlier. I now feel that every day I am becoming potential.
a more complete version. Do you know what I
mean?”
I did not entirely comprehend, but I accepted what
he said.

“Upama, I am curious, can adults also improve

their sensory perception?”
“Yes, we are planning to release adult classes soon,
for the general public. We are in the process of
concluding some research. You know, there is
nothing great in what we are doing here. We are
not creating history. We are not making magic. We
are just helping people realize their true potential.
We are telling them, ‘There is this organ called the
brain, so please use it to the fullest capacity.’ That
is all. Why don’t you try what the other kids are
doing?”
“But I am an adult,” I said.
“That is exactly what I was trying to convey,” she
said. “Don’t create these barriers in your mind,
as they do not exist. We are still researching
the program for adults, but that does not mean
something wonderful cannot happen with you.
Come on.”

Sept ember 2 02 1 77
TAS T E O F L I FE

Our logic and science are so limited. There

is so much mystery in this world. Knowing
how to unlock our own hidden potential at
this time in humanity’s evolution seems all
the more exciting.

My personal experience with what happened is a
story for another day. Let me tell you, though, I
came out with my heart filled with beautiful magic,
an eternity of waiting having unlocked in my mind.
It is difficult to put into words what I felt after
that. I don’t know about identifying colored balls
while blindfolded, or guessing thoughts accurately.
I have not tried to guess things many times, but I
can vouch that this is something everyone can try.
I now understood what Upama’s son was trying to
tell me earlier – that indeed change is creative. It is
the ultimate creativity.
Sometimes, things we have always wanted all our
lives, without consciously realizing it, come in
packages that we least expect. After witnessing the
miracles in the mind, how can the heart go back to
its past state?
As I was leaving, Upama said, “Children may
forget the music we play for them, and the
blindfold exercises we do. They may forget other
things, too, but one thing I know is that they will
never forget how they feel, and that is a treasure.
“Our logic and science are so limited. There is
so much mystery in this world. Knowing how to
unlock our own hidden potential at this time in
humanity’s evolution seems all the more exciting.
What is even more wonderful is to witness the
manifesting of this beautiful side of humanity
as a facilitator. As a collective, what magical and
astonishing things will the generation of the future
be capable of ? My mind just feels like bursting at
the seams.”
Illustrations by ARATI SHEDDE

78 H eart f u l n es s
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