Healthy Families Gods Way - Ps Gebhardt Berndt

Healthy Families: God’s Way
By Gebhardt Berndt
Published by Hatfield Christian Church North
Corner Willem Cruywagen Rd and Lizard Street,
Theresapark, Pretoria 0182
www.hccnorth.co.za
This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in
any form, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in
any form by any means – electronic, mechanical, pho-
tocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written
permission of the publisher, except as provided by
South African copyright law.
Scripture taken from the New King James Version®
unless otherwise stated. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas
Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2015 by Gebhardt Berndt
All rights reserved
Printed in Pretoria, South Africa

This book is dedicated to my parents, who have
given me a secure home, filled with love and ac-
ceptance. You have taught me about family. And
to my precious wife, Shannon, who is faithfully
building on this foundation with me.
A special thanks to:
Colleen Mitchell, Tshiamo Choane, Cherise Singh
and Charmaine Erasmus for their assistance with
the editing and proofreading of this book.
Melanie Stander for her creativity and effort in
designing the book cover.

Table of Contents
Introduction .............................................. 6
Chapter 1……………………………...……8
God Has The Blueprint
Chapter 2… ............................................ 46
Hindrances To Relationships
Chapter 3… ............................................ 63
In Need Of A Father
Chapter 4… .......................................... 102
What About The Mom?
Chapter 5… .......................................... 152
What Does God Say About Children?

Chapter 6… .......................................... 187
Things To Leave Out Of The Marriage
Chapter 7… .......................................... 226
Further Enemies Of Marriage
Chapter 8… .......................................... 288
Divorce
Chapter 9… .......................................... 334
Time To Live Out His Plan For Your Life
About The Author ................................ 343

Introduction
Healthy families are God's way of
creating a healthy society. Yet the
family unit has been under the
greatest onslaught. Satan knows
and understands that if he can dis-
mantle the family unit, he has struck
a mighty blow to the heart of peo-
ple.
After you have read this book you
will be able to recognise his ways
6
of operation and you will be able to
cast him out. You will also be em-
powered in your situation to be the
best parent you can be. God is for
you and His grace is sufficient for
all circumstances. No matter what
your situation, background or cur-
rent scenarios may be, there is terri-
tory to be reclaimed. So let's jour-
ney together and reclaim what is
ours - Healthy Families: God’s Way!
7
Chapter 1
God Has The Blueprint
God has the blueprint for our fami-
lies. His Word and His ways are our
guide. God has every intention in
seeing your family healthy, produc-
tive and effective. His heart is to
see you whole and cheerful. Still,
from the beginning the family unit
has been savagely attacked by the
enemy.
8
Chapter 1: God Has The Blueprint
Satan knows and understands that
if he can dismantle the family unit
he has struck a major blow to the
hearts of people. Satan uses vari-
ous tactics and methods to achieve
his purposes. Many fall for them, or
are led into them with devastating
results.
Satan is a liar and everything he
produces is counterfeit. Nothing he
says can be trusted. You should
know that he will look for an entry
9
HEALTHY FAMILIES: GOD’S WAY
point (Ephesians 4:27), something
to latch onto, a place from which to
launch his devious plans. With no
entry, no plan of the enemy can
work.
An entry point is simply a place in
our lives that we have allowed to
be contrary to the Word of God
and the leading of Holy Spirit, e.g.
blatant habitual sin that we refuse
to give up; or an ungodly attitude
like pride, hatred or selfishness we
10
don’t want to surrender. Satan
builds his lies on an established
wrong. He has no authority to gain
access were it has not been grant-
ed by a believer. We do not belong
to him - we are the Lord's.
We must understand that families
are God's way of answering the
problems of society. Healthy fami-
lies create healthy societies. That is
why the devil is so interested in
families. Family problems are not
11
unique to a nation, society, or
group of people. Rather, it is a uni-
versal worldwide problem that af-
fects the lives of millions. Through
years of ministry and counseling, I
have seen certain trends, symp-
toms, and wrongs that cause havoc
in families. On the contrary, I have
also seen godly principles that re-
sult in joy and peace when applied.
When people don't live according
to God's intention, problems will
always arise. It's not because God
12
wants us to go through hardships,
but because we neglect the essen-
tial truth of His Word, which causes
certain realities in our lives. As we
progress in this book, my aim is to
reveal some of these.
As mentioned earlier God has the
blueprint to healthy families, and
the enemy is the thief who wants to
come and destroy.
Jesus said that Satan comes to
“steal, kill and destroy” (John
13
10:10); this is his way of operation.
To activate his operation, he works
according to his nature. In his na-
ture the devil is a liar, a deceiver
and is full of pride. He often uses
these three tactics independently
or simultaneously to affect his
plans. He often reveals things that
are aimed at convincing us to ac-
cept his suggestions. His sugges-
tions are like sweet lollipops with
sugar on the outside but death on
the inside. You won't know what is
14
in the inside until you have chewed
on and accepted the outside.
Before we accept the lies of Satan,
God will often intervene and pro-
vide leading through His Holy Spir-
it, people, and even circumstances.
God's heart is for us to be whole,
and He will affect all types of coun-
sel to get us to choose life. But
stubbornness is a reality for many,
and even though God tries His best
we often don't heed to His counsel.
15
I once had a situation with an ex-
tremely gifted man who was a pas-
tor. This man was naturally gifted
and extremely charismatic, a born
leader. People followed and lis-
tened to him with ease as he oozed
charisma. But this man had a prob-
lem: he liked ladies too much. Even
though he was married and a fa-
ther, he neglected his heart and al-
lowed the devil to explore this op-
portunity and present him with cer-
tain suggestions. The grace of God
16
intervened and we had various ses-
sions of counsel with him where we
warned him of this area of his life.
He listened on occasions, but never
made a full decision to steer clear
of the ladies. After hours and
months of counsel, his marriage
ended in divorce, resulting in hurt-
ing and broken children as well as a
shipwrecked ministry. The counsel
given was good, godly and biblical,
but this dear brother never lis-
tened. This man has been involved
17
in three other marriages and is cur-
rently in his fourth; leaving a trail of
heartache and pain.
Questions would often come from
those who are left behind, most
likely the children and wives. Ques-
tions like: ‘Why did God allow
this?’, ‘Why didn't he love me
enough to stay?’, etc. These ques-
tions are often followed with intro-
spections, which include self-
admonishment and punishing one-
18
self. This is when an individual feels
they could have done things differ-
ently or acted in some other way.
But the truth is that God warned,
God intervened, God counseled,
God gave grace; God tried every-
thing to get this man to change his
mind. But God never interfered
with his free will.
He said “This day I call the heavens
and the earth as witnesses against
you that I have set before you life
19
and death, blessings and curses.
Now choose life, so that you and
your children may live" (Deuteron-
omy 30:19). This man chose death
as he ignored counsel and the fruits
of that decision were divorce and
broken lives.
Amazingly, God can, and often still
does, restore individuals like these,
but people need to choose free-
dom and restoration by choosing
truth. The road of restoration is of-
20
ten much longer than the road to
destruction, but God can and will
heal anything if we are willing to
change. The Scripture declares:
“What do you think? If a man owns
a hundred sheep, and one of them
wanders away, will he not leave the
ninety-nine on the hills and go to
look for the one that wandered off?
And if he finds it, I tell you the
truth, he is happier about that one
sheep than about the ninety-nine
that did not wander off. In the
21
same way your Father in heaven is
not willing that any of these little
ones should be lost.” (Matthew
18:12-14).
Note that the lost sheep is already
a sheep. In other words, this speaks
about believers (sheep) that have
lost their way but have now found
their way back home. God says
when His sheep return there is
great rejoicing.
22
God wants families to be full of joy,
hope, and peace. Families that are
closely knit together; units that fol-
low God's Word and His Spirit as a
basis for all they do. Healthy fami-
lies provide a haven for children to
grow, to stretch their wings and to
explore the potential that is within
them. Healthy families are not con-
trolling; rather, a Spirit of liberty
rules the home as God's design is
in control. Families should provide
a place where people within the
23
family are allowed to make mis-
takes (graciously) and learn from
them. Mom and Dad should serve
the Lord whole-heartedly and pro-
vide an example of devotion to
Scripture, prayer, holiness, and at-
tending a fellowship of believers.
Children who grow up in homes
like these are whole, confident, and
pure.
When the Word of God and His
Spirit do not lead a family, some-
24
thing else will always lead it. In
other words, when we don't allow
the Bible to be our basis, some-
thing else will always want to form
that basis; like our emotions, our
flesh, our backgrounds or our up-
bringing. For example: I once met a
couple that loved the Lord, they
were extremely devoted with good
intentions. But the husband came
out of a broken past with many
wounds and injuries. He passion-
ately pursued a healthy family, as
25
he determined in his heart that his
own family would never go through
what he went through. To ensure
this, his practice was to be in con-
trol. However, as the children grew
his rules did not bend. Eventually
his rules became stifling and im-
prisoning as his family yearned for
their own identity, which meant
freedom from control. Despite this,
the man did not deviate from his
nature, as he believed he was pro-
tecting his family. I spoke to this
26
man on various occasions advising
him to let go of his rules and trust
God. You see friends, no matter
how many rules we have we can
never ensure a future - that is God's
work. Sadly, this man did not relent,
which resulted in rebellious children
and an even more broken man. His
intentions were pure, but his meth-
od became outdated.
On another occasion, I sat with a
young man who travelled to anoth-
27
er nation to get away from his par-
ents. His father, also a Christian
man, was very zealous about the
success of his family. In order to
see this come to pass, this father
arranged many things for his chil-
dren that they did not necessarily
want or desire. I advised the young
man to speak openly to his father
and make his heart known. The fa-
ther was shocked with the revealed
truth and repented. The son under-
stood the intentions and forgave.
28
The end result was a father who
changed his ways and a son who
returned home.
The above two stories are intended
to reveal the following: That if the
Word of God and His Spirit do not
lead, something else always will,
and in the above cases, it was a
controlling spirit.
As an example, let’s look at what
the Bible says about families:
29
When we look at the Old
Testament we see two of the Ten
Commandments dealing with main-
taining the cohesiveness of the
family.
The fifth commandment regarding
the honouring of parents is meant
to preserve the authority of parents
in family matters. While the seventh
commandment, prohibiting adult-
ery, protects the sanctity of mar-
riage. From these two com-
30
mandments flow all of the various
other stipulations in the Mosaic
Law, which seek to protect
marriage and the family. The health
of the family was so important to
God that it was codified in the
national covenant of Israel.
This is not solely an Old Testament
phenomenon. The New Testament
makes many of the same com-
mands and prohibitions. Jesus
speaks on the sanctity of marriage
31
and against frivolous divorce in
Matthew 19. The Apostle Paul talks
about what Christian homes should
look like when he gives the twin
commands of "children, obey your
parents" and "parents, don't pro-
voke your children" in Ephesians
6:1-4 and Colossians 3:20-21.
Furthermore, we see similar New
Testament concepts regarding the
importance of family in the process
of salvation in the book of Acts,
when on two separate occasions
32
during Paul's second missionary
journey, entire households were
baptised at the conversion of one
individual (Acts 16:11-15,16:31-33).
This is not purposed to condone
infant baptism or baptismal regen-
eration (i.e., that baptism confers
salvation), but to affirm that just as
the Old Testament’s sign of the
covenant (circumcision) was applied
to whole families, so also the New
Testament’s sign of the covenant
(baptism) was applied to entire
33
households. We can make an
argument that when God saves an
individual, His desire is for the
entire family to be saved. Clearly,
God's desire isn't just to save
isolated individuals, but entire
households. In 1 Corinthians 7, the
unbelieving spouse is sanctified
through the believing spouse,
meaning amongst other things, that
the unbelieving spouse is in a
position to be saved through the
witness of the believing spouse.
34
From a covenant perspective,
membership in the covenant com-
munity is more communal than
individualistic. In the case of Lydia
and the Philippian jailer, their
families/households were baptised
and made a part of the church
community. Since we know that
baptism doesn't confer salvation,
which is only by grace through faith
(Ephesians 2:8-9), we can assume
that not all might have been saved,
but that all were included into the
35
community of believers. Lydia’s and
the jailer's salvation didn't break up
their families. We know that sal-
vation can be a strain on a family,
but God's intent isn't to break up
families over the issue of salvation.
Lydia and the jailer weren't com-
manded to come out and be
separate from their unbelieving
families. Rather, the sign of the
covenant (baptism) was applied to
all members in the household. The
families were sanctified (set apart)
36
and called into the community of
believers.
Let's now turn our attention to the
theological concept of family.
During His three-year ministry,
Jesus shattered some prevailing
notions of what it meant to be part
of a family: "While Jesus was still
talking to the crowd, his mother
and brothers stood outside,
wanting to speak to him. Someone
told him, ‘Your mother and
37
brothers are standing outside, wan-
ting to speak to you.’ He replied to
him, ‘Who is my mother, and who
are my brothers?’ Pointing to his
disciples, he said, ‘Here are my
mother and my brothers. For
whoever does the will of my Father
in heaven is my brother and sister
and mother’” (Matthew 12:46-50).
Now it is important that we clear up
some misconceptions with regards
to this passage. Jesus is not saying
that our biological family isn't
38
important; He is not dismissing His
mother and brothers. What He is
doing is making the clear theo-
logical point that in the Kingdom of
Heaven, the most important family
connection is spiritual, not physical.
This is a truth made explicitly clear
in John's Gospel, when the
evangelist says, "Yet to all who
received him, to those who be-
lieved in his name, he gave the
right to become children of God—
children born not of natural
39
descent, nor of human decision or
a husband's will, but born of God"
(John 1:12-13).
The parallels are quite clear. When
we are born physically, we’re born
into a physical family, but when we
are "born again" we are born into a
spiritual family. To use Pauline
language, we are adopted into
God's family (Romans 8:15). When
we are adopted into God's spiritual
family - the Church - God becomes
40
our Father and Jesus our Brother.
This spiritual family is not bound by
ethnicity, gender or social standing.
As Paul says, "You are all sons of
God through faith in Christ Jesus,
for all of you who were baptized
into Christ have clothed yourselves
with Christ. There is neither Jew nor
Greek, slave nor free, male nor
female, for you are all one in Christ
Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then
you are Abraham's seed, and heirs
41
according to the promise"
(Galatians 3:26-29).
So what does the Bible say about
family? The physical family is the
most important building block to
human society, and as such, it
should be nurtured and protected.
But more important than that is the
new creation that God is making in
Christ, which is comprised of a
spiritual family, the Church, made
up of all people who call upon the
42
Lord Jesus Christ as Saviour. This is
a family drawn "from every nation,
tribe, people and language"
(Revelation 7:9), and the defining
characteristic of this spiritual family
is the love for one another: "A new
command I give you: Love one
another. As I have loved you, so
you must love one another. By this
all men will know that you are my
disciples, if you love one another"
(John 13:34-35).
43
I hope you have a clearer picture
now of family. The above explana-
tions were a bit theological, but it
was intended to reveal specific
truths to you.
As we continue, we will look at var-
ious other dynamics that create, or
break down healthy families.
44
Prayer:
Father, thank you that You have the
blueprint of marriage. Please open
my eyes so that I may understand
Your heart . In Jesus’ name. Amen.
45
Chapter 2
Hindrances To
Relationships
Many times people will leave my
office or a meeting, and I can see
that they are unchanged. Sad-
dened by this, I often ask Holy Spir-
it why this is. Why do people refuse
to listen? Why do people visibly
see the wrong and yet refuse to
change their ways? This makes no
46
Chapter 2: Hindrances To Relationships
sense to me. But I will attempt to
clarify why most people don’t
change:
1. Stubbornness: A hardening of
heart and neck is not a new phe-
nomenon (Numbers 9:16), yet it still
has deadly results.
In Scripture, stubbornness is gener-
ally used to describe "slowness to
repent" or “slowness to receive in-
struction or grace” from the Lord. It
is stubbornness towards what God
47
says we should do, or to do it your
way. Sinful stubbornness is general-
ly related to pride, rebellion, or
foolishness.
The opposite of "stubbornness" is
to be submissive, or to be recep-
tive. It is to be "poor in spirit", to
be "hungry and thirsty for right-
eousness", to "seek the Lord while
He can be found". It is to be hum-
ble, and subservient, lowly and
obedient. This is something God
48
delights in, for it is "fit" for us.
People who are stubborn often
walk into their own misery and
pain; they choose destruction by
not listening and are often unaware
of the fruits of their decisions.
The prophet Samuel revealed that
rebellion is as bad as witchcraft and
stubbornness is as bad as iniquity
and idolatry (1 Samuel 15:23).
Psalm 78 describes a stubborn and
rebellious person as one whom:
49
• Is not obedient to God’s moral
laws (7,10).
• Does not put his trust in God
(7,22).
• Does not have a heart that is
right with God (8,37).
• Does not have a spirit that is
steadfast with God (8, 37).
• Refuses to walk by God’s right-
eous standards (10).
• Does not have enough faith in
God (22, 32).
50
• Complains about reproof and
correction (19).
• Is often unfaithful and deceitful
(8,36,57).
• Is very sinful and unholy (17).
Stubborn and rebellious people
can be very dangerous at times.
Often they seek to discredit, revile,
mock, and persecute God’s serv-
ants because they don’t want to be
warned of their sinful condition
(Matthew 23:30-37). Jesus called
51
the religious hypocrites of His day
“serpents and vipers” who were
heading for damnation in hell (Mat-
thew 23:33). These stubborn reli-
gious pretenders were guilty of
murdering God’s prophets, who
were sent to warn them of their hy-
pocrisy. These dangerous men also
instigated the murder of Jesus
Himself!
The Bible says it all; God hates
stubbornness, yet many of us un-
52
knowingly entertain it in our hearts.
The easiest way to stay clear of
stubbornness is to remain open to
the leading of Holy Spirit. God is
faithful and will warn you of the
things that will rob you of your des-
tiny.
2. Pride: The second reason why I
think most people don't change is
because of pride.
Throughout Scripture we are
warned about the consequences of
53
pride. Proverbs 16:18-19 tells us
that “pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall. Better
to be lowly in spirit and among the
oppressed than to share plunder
with the proud.” Satan was cast out
of heaven because of pride (Isaiah
14:12-15). He had the selfish au-
dacity to attempt to replace God
Himself as the rightful Ruler of the
universe. But Satan will be cast
down to hell in the final judgment
of God. For those who rise up in
54
defiance against God, there is
nothing ahead but disaster (Isaiah
14:22). Pride has kept many people
from accepting Jesus Christ as Sav-
iour. Admitting sin and acknowl-
edging that in our own strength we
can do nothing to inherit eternal
life, is a constant stumbling block
for prideful people. We are not to
boast about ourselves; if we want
to boast, then we are to proclaim
the glories of God. What we say
about ourselves means nothing in
55
God’s work. It is what God says
about us that makes the difference
(2 Corinthians 10:13). Why is pride
so sinful? In its essence, pride is
when we give ourselves the credit
for something that God has ac-
complished. Pride is taking the glo-
ry that belongs to God alone and
keeping it for ourselves. Pride is es-
sentially self-worship. Anything we
accomplish in this world would not
have been possible were it not for
God, enabling and sustaining us.
56
“What do you have that you did
not receive? And if you did receive
it, why do you boast as though you
did not?” (1 Corinthians 4:7). That
is why we give God the glory—He
alone deserves it. Many people
won’t see it this way, but it is pride
that closes us off to change. It is
pride that blinds us to our mistakes,
and it is pride that ensnares us.
The antidote for pride is humility,
meekness, and an open and con-
57
trite heart to listen. I remember a
specific businessman who once
came to us for advice. He was
wealthy and influential, yet he fre-
quently changed his mind. This
made him and everything around
him unstable. He wanted us to
bless a certain transaction he was
entering into, which he felt God
told him to do. But we felt it was a
mistake, and knowing that we hear
the voice of God, we advised him
not to continue with that transac-
58
tion but to rather wait. The man ig-
nored our advice, took the deal,
and has been unemployed for the
last seven years. Pride makes a man
blind, where humility opens one’s
eyes.
3. Religion: The worst one, which I
truly hate, is religion. Religion is
anything, besides Jesus Christ, that
we attempt to accept or use as a
method towards righteousness. Re-
ligion has taught us that we can
59
change everything by our efforts,
our righteousness, and ourselves.
But we cannot change by our-
selves; we can only change by the
mercy and grace of God, empow-
ered by Holy Spirit. He is the Spirit
of Grace activated through the fin-
ished work of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Religion looks to self where Christi-
anity looks to Jesus Christ. Religion
is self-absorbed and egotistic, con-
centrated on self-desire and per-
sonal satisfaction. Religion hates
60
truth. Religion operated so strongly
in the lives of the Pharisees and
Sadducees that they killed the au-
thor of life, Truth Himself (John
14:6). Religion is still operating in
the lives of people today and it is
still silencing the Voice of Truth.
People refuse to accept God's
Truth because they know it will
demand change. Truth always con-
fronts religion as it expels its pre-
tenses and masks. People that have
a form of religion in their lives will
61
always hate and expel any form of
truth, as it confronts their hearts
and demands change.
Prayer:
Lord, please reveal unto me any ar-
ea of my life where I may be stub-
born, full of pride or religious. Help
me to become all You intended for
me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
62
Chapter 3
In Need Of A Father
Although males and females are
equal in relationship to Christ, the
Scripture outlines specific roles to
each in marriage. The husband is to
assume leadership in the home (1
Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23).
This leadership should not be
dictatorial, condescending, or pa-
tronising to the wife, but should be
63
in accordance with the example of
Christ leading the church.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her to make her holy,
cleansing her by the washing with
water through the word” (Ephe-
sians 5:25-26).
Christ loved the church (His people)
with compassion, mercy, forgive-
ness, respect, and selflessness. In
64
Chapter 3: In Need Of A Father
this same way husbands are to love
their wives.
Wives are to submit to the authority
of their husbands. “Wives, submit
to your husbands as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the
wife as Christ is the head of the
church, his body, of which he is the
Savior. Now as the church submits
to Christ, so also wives should
submit to their husbands in
everything” (Ephesians 5:22-24).
65
Although women should submit to
their husbands, the Bible also tells
men several times how they are
supposed to treat their wives. The
husband is not to take on the role
of the dictator, but should show
respect for his wife and her opin-
ions. In fact, Ephesians 5:28-29
exhorts men to love their wives in
the same way that they love their
own bodies, feeding and caring for
them. A man’s love for his wife
66
should be the same as Christ’s love
for His body, the Church.
“Wives, submit to your husbands,
as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands,
love your wives and do not be
harsh with them” (Colossians 3:18-
19).
“Husbands, in the same way be
considerate as you live with your
wives, and treat them with respect
as the weaker partner and as heirs
with you of the gracious gift of life,
67
so that nothing will hinder your
prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).
From these verses we see that love
and respect characterise the roles
of both husbands and wives. If
these are present, then authority,
headship, love, and submission will
be no problem for either partner.
Regarding the division of respon-
sibilities in the home, the Bible
instructs husbands to provide for
their families. This means he works
68
and makes enough money to
sufficiently provide all the
necessities of life for his wife and
children. To fail to do so has
definite spiritual consequences. “If
anyone does not provide for his
relatives, and especially for his
immediate family, he has denied
the faith and is worse than an
unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).
So, a man who makes no effort to
provide for his family cannot rightly
69
call himself a Christian. This does
not mean that the wife cannot
assist in supporting the family—
Proverbs 31 demonstrates that a
godly wife may surely do so—but
providing for the family is not
primarily her responsibility; it is her
husband’s. While a husband should
help with the children and with
household chores (thereby fulfilling
his duty to love his wife), Proverbs
31 also makes it clear that the
home is to be the woman’s primary
70
area of influence and responsibility.
Even if she must stay up late and
rise up early, her family is well
cared for. This is not an easy life-
style for many women, especially in
affluent Western nations. However,
far too many women are stressed
and stretched to breaking point. To
prevent such stress, both husband
and wife should prayerfully reorder
their priorities and follow the
Bible’s instructions on their roles.
71
When roles and boundaries be-
come muddled and unclear families
fall into trouble. The point is not to
reveal one’s failures or faults; rather
it is to indicate what the Scripture
declares.
The role of the husband and father
is the most crucial role in a family.
He is head of his household and re-
sponsible for the household spiritu-
ally, physically, and emotionally.
The man is the spiritual gatekeeper
72
and catalyst of his home. If he does
not do his part things will be out of
order.
You may ask the question: What
does it mean when we say the man
is the head of the household?
The Scripture declares: "But I want
you to understand that Christ is the
head of every man, and the man is
the head of a woman, and God is
the head of Christ” (1 Corinthians
11:3).
73
Headship is a fundamental ar-
rangement that God uses to main-
tain universal order. Everyone, oth-
er than God Himself, is accountable
to someone. Men are subject to
Christ, children are subject to their
parents, and all Christians are sub-
ject to governments.
Even Jesus is subject to God the
Father (Romans 13:1; 1 Corinthians
11:3, 15:28; Ephesians 6:1).
74
Subjection to leadership is neces-
sary for an orderly, stable, and se-
cure society. Likewise, subjection to
a family head is essential to build-
ing a solid, happy, peaceful family.
The lack of a husband or a father in
the family does not change this fact.
In such families the mother as-
sumes headship. When both par-
ents are missing, the oldest child or
another relative may take on the
role of head of the household. In all
cases, family members benefit
75
when they show proper respect to
the one authorised to take the lead.
The key, then, is not to reject the
headship principle but, rather, to
learn to exercise and view headship
properly. The apostle Paul exhorts
Christian husbands to be the head
of their household “as the Christ
also is head of the congregation”
(Ephesians 5:21-23). Paul thus
points to the way Christ dealt with
76
the congregation as the perfect
standard of headship.
What example did Christ set?
As Messiah and future King, Jesus
had authority from God Himself
and was far more intelligent and
experienced in life than His disci-
ples. However, to them, He was lo-
ving, warm, and compassionate. He
was never harsh, unyielding, or
overly demanding. He did not
throw his weight around and con-
77
stantly remind everyone that he
was the Son of God. Jesus was
humble, lowly in heart. As a result,
“his yoke was kindly and his load
was light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
Therefore, He was approachable
and open to reason. In fact, Paul
says that Jesus loved the congrega-
tion so much that He “delivered up
himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25).
Therefore, a man must take up his
God given responsibility, as he will
78
stand accountable before the Lord
one day. When his family fails be-
cause of his lack of leadership, God
will ask him for an account.
I once met a man and woman who
were especially gifted and called.
The lady was brilliant in many
things and the husband was purely
intellectual. They had lots of friends
with great influence. But the hus-
band had a streak, in that he some-
times became lazy in his responsi-
79
bilities as a husband. Because of
this the lady naturally assumed
more responsibility. Soon the hus-
band did not feel the need to work
and he thought it a good idea to
retire early. He received much
counsel from leaders that advised
him against this because he was
still young and they were not in a
place financially where such a deci-
sion seemed viable. Yet the man
ignored the counsel and retired.
This forced the lady to work even
80
harder. The husband soon sank
deeper into laziness and started
neglecting his responsibility more
and more. Eventually they reached
a place where the lady did most of
the duties of the household. This
became too much and the lady suf-
fered greatly in her health. There
were children involved that were
still young and they became con-
fused with the dynamics between
mom and dad. The church inter-
vened on various occasions with lit-
81
tle to no result. The couple went
from being influential, thriving and
flourishing to merely surviving, bro-
ken and hurting. Today the couple
is divorced and the children have
issues. In the above circumstance
the husband ignored his duties and
the wisdom given to him, which
forced his gifted wife into a scenar-
io where she needed to carry the
burden. This was and is outside
God’s intent, as husband and wife
are jointly responsible, with the
82
onus on the husband to take lead-
ership. This then resulted into the
husband abdicating responsibilities
and the wife reluctantly taking up
responsibilities. But could this have
been a different scenario? YES! In
this case if the husband merely lis-
tened and continued working he
would have stayed on course,
which would have helped his family.
In many families it often happens
that either one or both of the par-
83
ties are taking on additional re-
sponsibilities, or abdicating their
responsibilities. Many mothers are
raising their children alone, as the
husband seems to be merely a
sperm donour. This is not how it
should be. God wants a husband
and wife to be involved in the lives
of their children. Both of them must
raise the children according to the
Word of God. If one partner does
not do their share there will be a
void in the child's life.
84
A young man once came to me for
help. He was confused about his
sexuality. I soon learned that his
mother, sister, and grandmother
had played the major roles as this
young man was maturing. His fa-
ther was completely absent and
emotionally distant. Although his
father was physically there, the
young man had no connection or
real relationship with him. There-
fore, he started to shape his identi-
ty around his mother, sister, and
85
grandmother, who raised him. This
confused him a lot, which resulted
in a lot of heartache. Soon the
young man started to imitate his
mother, sister and grandmother,
when he saw that his mother was
still receiving attention from his fa-
ther on an emotional level. He rea-
soned that if he wanted his father's
attention, he must be more 'lady-
like'. This was obviously a lie but it
seemed true under the circum-
stances. This resulted in an even
86
more awkward relationship be-
tween father and son. I couldn’t
help that young man as he with-
drew from counseling after a cou-
ple of months. When I last saw him
he was angry with God and every-
one around him.
Over the years I have met many
sons and daughters who have no
relationship with their fathers. In
many cases it was because of a low
level of input and relational con-
87
nection when they were younger.
Most of these people struggle to
understand God as Father, as they
have never experienced a Father's
heart or embrace.
As a father, no challenge rings
clearer in my mind than that set by
the apostle Paul, who says, "And
you, fathers, do not provoke your
children to wrath, but bring them
up in the training and admonition
of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).
88
In just a few words, the Spirit
speaks of responsibility, account-
ability and possibility in light of
those who have taken on the good
work of being a father.
1. Responsibility: Firstly, a father is
not to provoke his children to
wrath. What this means, in no
uncertain terms, is that a father is
not to purposefully do things that
make their children scornful, angry,
resentful, discouraged and bitter
89
(Colossians 3:21). There is a
difference between doing some-
thing that is right for them that
might not meet with their approval
(e.g. disciplining them or setting
boundaries for their own good),
and doing something that angers
them for no good reason (e.-g.
meaningless rules because we are
"in charge," etc). In many cases,
there is a fine line between these
two that a father must avoid in
90
order to keep from provoking his
children to wrath.
In many homes, children are
provoked to anger because the
father is simply too busy to be a
father (e.g. climbing the corporate
ladder, pursuing personal hobbies,
etc.). In other situations, the father
is too overbearing. In some cases,
the father is abusive, both physi-
cally and emotionally. In many
homes, the father is hypocritical,
91
demanding things of his family that
he does not demand of himself. All
of these things can and will
provoke a child to wrath and must
be avoided.
The second primary aspect of a
father's responsibility is to bring his
children up in the training and
admonition of the Lord: The need
for this command to be realised in
today's society could not be more
keenly felt. Under Christ, the father
92
is the spiritual head of the home
(Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Corinthians
11:3). His presence (i.e. Christ's
through the example and teaching
of the father) should be felt in the
home, in its rules, its worship, and
through the father's gentle love,
leadership and example. One of
our biggest problems is that too
many fathers are not spiritual men.
This must change.
93
Another problem is that too many
fathers do not know what the
"training and admonition of the
Lord" is, let alone how to bring
their children up in it. Children
need to be taught from a young
age about the Lord and must be
taught to live by the Lord's
commands (1 Timothy 3:15;
Deuteronomy. 6:5-9).
Training and admonition mean
more than simple discipline or
94
punishment for wrongdoing. They
imply that a father should spend
time instructing and training his
children to do right. He must bring
them up, or feed and nurture them
on it. They must be instructed how
to do that what is good and avoid
those things that are evil. They
must be instructed regarding the
straight and narrow path that leads
to heaven. Then they must be
reminded to stay on that path. Lord
willing, they will carry this training
95
with them into life. Its ultimate goal
is to spur them to willingly submit
their life to their Heavenly Father,
as this is the way they should go (cf.
Proverbs 22:16). Therefore, an
incredible challenge lies before a
father.
2. Accountability: Children are a
blessing from the Lord (Psalms
127:3-5). As with all blessings, there
is accountability. Fathers must
realise that the Spirit gave this
96
charge to us regarding our
children. He did not give it to the
mother, though their role is
absolutely necessary in its being
carried out. He did not give it to
the day-care teacher. He did not
give it to the babysitter. He did not
give it to the nanny. He did not
give it to the grandparents, nor did
He give it to the church, the school
or the youth program. He gave it to
fathers. Therefore, fathers will bear
the accountability; the conse-
97
quence for failing to carry it out, or
the reward for so doing. Let us
never forget, "It is a fearful thing to
fall into the hands of the living
God" (Hebrews 10:31).
3. Possibility: Not only does this
verse speak of responsibility and
accountability, it speaks of possi-
bility. It speaks of the possibility of
bringing up godly children despite
the immorality and wickedness of
the day. It speaks of creating a
98
strong bond between a father and
his children all the days of their life,
in a day when the elderly are left to
die in loneliness and despair. It
speaks of the possibility of happy,
well-adjusted children who love
God and their families. It speaks of
the possibility of spiritual men lea-
ding spiritual homes in a spiritual
way that brings up spiritual chil-
dren. But most of all, it speaks of
the possibility of heaven, for fathers
and for their children. This is
99
ultimately what it is all about
(Ecclesiastes 12:13). The father
plays such a crucial and pivotal role,
one that he cannot and should not
neglect in any way or manner. God
holds him accountable for leader-
ship and leadership must be taken
up. It may seem like a daunting
task but it must be taken seriously if
we wish to fulfill it.
100
In the next chapter we will look at
the role of the woman, wife and
mom.
Prayer:
Father, thank you for fathers, hus-
bands and men. Lord I pray that I
may take up my role as a husband
and father. Lead me Lord Holy Spir-
it and show me the way that I
should follow. Please forgive me
where I have fallen short. In Jesus’
Name I pray. Amen.
101
Chapter 4
What About The Mom?
A home is not a place or a building,
but a person. If I think back on my
life I can remember that my house
has always been a home. Even from
an early age, and even now as a
grown man, someone always made
our house a home. Women have a
special place in the heart of God as
it is through woman that His plan
102
Chapter 4: What About The Mom?
burst forth. Man without woman
would not have accomplished the
fullness that God intended. A
woman can add so much, yet ladies
have been furiously attacked over
many years. I cannot tell you how
many precious ladies I have coun-
selled and spoken to that are
yearning to be loved and appreci-
ated. Yearning to see their hus-
bands taking their place in the
home - seeking God day and night
to see His dreams come to fulfill-
103
ment in the lives of her loved ones.
Women are warriors when it comes
to prayer and devotion, they often
don’t relent until they see God's
promises being fulfilled in the lives
of those they deeply care about.
However, women are often abused,
neglected, and discarded. I often
look at women with their husbands
and can visibly see the affects of
abuse, not always physical but
many times emotional.
104
I once sat with a young couple who
was deeply in love, but the young
woman had a fuller figure. The
young man was thin, athletic, and
sharp with the tongue. They came
to me seeking advice on how to
strengthen their relationship. As I
delved deeper into their past, I dis-
covered that he was verbally abus-
ing her. The lady wanted to do eve-
rything to please her new husband,
but he just wanted her to lose
weight. I warned him that he needs
105
to support her because love
changes most things better than
scorning will ever do. He promised
me he would listen and change his
ways. After a while I saw the couple
again and the hurt had grown
deeper in the eyes of the young
woman. I could see the pain and I
could see that the young man had
not changed his ways. Today they
are a burdened couple with shallow
smiles and lots of heartache. They
106
could have spared themselves all of
that if they had only listened.
Mothers have one of the highest
callings on the planet, as they in-
vest their lives into raising the next
generation. Godly mothers can
change lives and propel their chil-
dren into a lifetime of success.
Mothers lead by example; they are
pillars of prayer and hope. Mothers
create homes and are havens of
peace. Where will we be without
107
godly mothers? Mothers are also
their children’s biggest supporters.
According to the Scripture being a
mother is a very important role. A
Christian mother is told to love her
children (Titus 2:4-5), so that she
does not bring reproach on the
Lord and on the Saviour whose
name she bears. Children are a gift
from the Lord (Psalm 127:3-5). In
Titus 2:4, the Greek word phi-
loteknos appears in reference to
108
mothers loving their children. This
word represents a special kind of
“mother’s love”. The idea that
flows from this word is that of car-
ing for our children, nurturing them,
affectionately embracing them,
meeting their needs, and tenderly
befriending each one as a unique
gift from the hand of God. A moth-
er's love never ceases even though
children make mistakes.
109
Mothers should possess the follow-
ing qualities:
• Kindness
• Patience
• Love
• Tenderness
• Compassion
• Slow to anger
• Slow to use wrathful words or
speech
• Slow to judge
• Quick to discipline
110
• Slow to condemn
I was once in a situation where I
had an opportunity to go overseas
and work there permanently. My
mother heavily objected and really
made a scene telling me that I was
missing God's plan for my life if I
chose to go. I objected to her ob-
servations and tried to ignore her
counsel, but deep down I knew
something was missing if she ob-
jected so heavily. At first I thought
111
that she was just being emotional,
but with further consideration I
started to believe that she may
know something that I didn't. Even-
tually I chose to stay. Shortly after-
wards the Lord introduced me to
my wife and the ministry. If I have
left for overseas that day I would
have missed my call and would
have thwarted the plans God had
for me in South Africa. Mothers are
sometimes much wiser than we
think.
112
I once sat with a mother who had
just lost her child. She was com-
pletely broken and deeply upset by
the death of her child. She blamed
herself for the death and the life
that was stolen. We tried to console
her and tell her that it wasn’t her
fault but she struggled to find
peace.
I have often seen this with many
precious women as they form their
identities around the lives of their
113
children. God has called you as a
mother, but your life cannot be de-
fined by your children, it must be
defined by God who has given you
children. Your love and service to-
wards God flows over into your
love and service for your children.
But your identity lies with God, and
motherhood flows out of that iden-
tity.
Keeping the home in shape is
God’s assignment to the wife -
114
even down to changing the sheets,
doing the laundry, and scrubbing
the floors. In Titus 2:3-5, Paul ad-
monishes the older women to
teach the younger women, among
other things, “to love their hus-
bands and children … to be busy at
home” (the Greek word oikourgous
literally means “home-workers”).
The home was once described as
“a place apart, a walled garden, in
which certain virtues too easily
crushed by modern life could be
115
preserved”, and the mother in this
home was described as “The Angel
in the House”.
Few women realise what great ser-
vice they are doing for mankind
and for the Kingdom of Christ when
they provide a shelter for the family
and good mothering - the founda-
tion on which all else is built. A
mother builds something far more
magnificent than any cathedral -
the dwelling place for an eternal
116
soul (both her child’s fleshly taber-
nacle and his earthly abode). No
professional pursuit so uniquely
combines the most menial tasks
with the most meaningful opportu-
nities.
The Book of Proverbs for me is the
most practical book in the Bible.
No other book is more saturated
with home and family and the rela-
tionships described therein. No
117
other book has any more to say to
women specifically.
Proverbs 31 contains a full-length
portrait of a godly heroine finished
in minute detail. The passage is
significant not only for what it in-
cludes but also for what it omits.
There is no mention of rights or
pursuit of self-serving interests; nei-
ther is the husband assigned to
domestic pursuits. In fact, his occu-
pation with other tasks is clearly
118
stated, “Her husband has full con-
fidence in her. … Her husband is
respected at the city gate, where
he takes his seat among the elders
of the land” (Proverbs 31:11, 23).
This beautiful and perfect ode of
praise to womanhood is written as
an acrostic with the first word of
each verse beginning with one of
the twenty-two successive letters of
the Hebrew alphabet.
119
At least half of Proverbs 31:10-31 is
occupied with personal and domes-
tic energy. The New Testament,
too, is clear in its emphasis on a
woman’s needed and necessary
energy and efficiency in managing
her household (Titus 2:5; 1 Timothy
2:10; 5:14). When Jesus repri-
manded Martha, He did not con-
demn the vital housework she was
doing; neither did He decry the
gracious hospitality extended to
Himself (Jesus did not say only one
120
thing is needful but pointed to the
one thing Martha had omitted). He
admonished her not to be encum-
bered or burdened by her work to
the exclusion of spiritual suste-
nance, which Mary had so faithfully
sought (Luke 10:38-42). One is
never to neglect spiritual prepara-
tion - not even for the joy of serving
others.
The best way to make homemaking
a joyous task is to offer it as unto
121
the Lord; the only way to avoid the
drudgery in such mundane tasks is
to bathe the tasks with prayer and
catch a vision of the divine chal-
lenge in making and nurturing a
home. Brother Lawrence, a mem-
ber of the barefoot Carmelite
monks in Paris in the 1600s, set a
worthy example: “Lord of all pots
and pans and things … Make me a
saint by getting meals and washing
up the plates! … The time of busi-
ness does not with me differ from
122
the time of prayer, and in the noise
and clatter of my kitchen … I pos-
sess God in as great tranquility as if
I were upon my knees at the
Blessed Sacrament.”
In the 21st century this is hard to
understand and comprehend, and
even harder to accept. We live in
an age where woman are ambitious.
There is nothing wrong with ambi-
tions or being professional. But we
cannot neglect the one for the oth-
123
er. Both are needed. Understand-
ing your design and call brings
much clarity. Actress Katharine
Hepburn said in an interview, “I’m
not sure any woman can successful-
ly pursue a career and be a mother
at the same time. The trouble with
women today is that they want eve-
rything. But no one can have it all. I
haven’t been handicapped by chil-
dren. Nor have I handicapped chil-
dren by bringing them into the
world and going ahead with my ca-
124
reer”. Actress Joanne Woodward
says, “My career has suffered be-
cause of the children, and my chil-
dren have suffered because of my
career. I’ve been torn and haven’t
been able to function fully in either
arena. I don’t know one person
who does both successfully, and I
know a lot of working mothers”.
Golda Meir of Israel confessed that
she suffered nagging doubts about
the price her two children paid for
her career, adding, “You can get
125
used to anything if you have to,
even to feeling perpetually guilty”.
Therefore, I will not say that I have
the answer to the above deep
questions, rather I feel satisfied by
presenting some important truths
that you can prayerfully consider as
you seek the heart of God for your-
self.
It is interesting that when Napoleon
was asked what could be done to
restore the prestige of France, he
126
replied, “Give us better mothers!”
The art of mothering surely de-
mands as much training as a skilled
waitress or craft worker, and thus
you should not expect to be an ex-
pert as you begin this vocation. Ra-
ther, you would slowly learn the
needs of each child and how to
meet those needs. Often those
who are reluctant to begin the job
of full-time mothering are just as
reluctant to give it up when the re-
sults are both seen and enjoyed.
127
Timothy Dwight, former president
of Yale, said, “All that I am and all
that I shall be I owe to my mother”.
Good lives don’t just grow by
themselves; they are built by peo-
ple who care.
Maybe some last thoughts on
home making: In the words of
Scripture, I have found a worthy
challenge:
Teach them [God’s words] to your
children, talking about them when
128
you sit at home and when you walk
along the road, when you lie down
and when you get up… so that
your days and the days of your
children may be many in the land
that the Lord swore to give your
forefathers, as many as the days
that the heavens are above the
earth (Deuteronomy 11:19, 21).
Homemaking - being a full-time
wife and mother - is not a destruc-
tive drought of usefulness but an
129
overflowing oasis of opportunity. It
is not a dreary cell to contain one’s
talents and skills but a brilliant cata-
lyst to channel creativity and ener-
gies into meaningful work. It is not
a rope for binding one’s productivi-
ty in the marketplace, but reins for
guiding one’s posterity in the home.
It is not oppressive restraint of in-
tellectual prowess for the communi-
ty, but a release of wise instruction
to your own household. It is not the
bitter assignment of inferiority to
130
your person, but the bright assur-
ance of the ingenuity of God’s plan
for complementarily of the sexes,
especially as worked out in God’s
plan for marriage. It is neither a lim-
itation of gifts available nor stingi-
ness in distributing the benefits of
those gifts, but rather the multipli-
cation of a mother’s legacy to the
generations to come and the gen-
erous bestowal of all God meant a
mother to give to those He en-
trusted to her care.
131
Now let's turn our attention to
those traits a woman should strive
towards to become a godly wife.
Here are twelve:
1) A godly woman always seeks to
be modest in her dress.
“Then out came a woman to meet
him, dressed like a prostitute and
with crafty intent.” (Proverbs 7:10,
NIV).
132
By contrast, the ungodly woman's
clothing points to herself and her
body instead of her Father in
Heaven and His holiness. Remem-
ber the words of Paul in the New
Testament? God emphasises the
beauty of an unseen character. The
flesh flaunts the body, God beauti-
fies the spirit.
“I also want women to dress mod-
estly, with decency and propriety,
not with braided hair or gold or
133
pearls or expensive clothes.” (1
Timothy 2:9, NIV).
be holy in her conduct.
“Come, let's drink deep of love till
morning; let's enjoy ourselves with
love! My husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long jour-
ney…” (Proverbs 7:18 -29, NIV).
A godly woman fears the Lord. She
seeks God's will over the approval
134
of anyone else on earth. Her fear of
God makes her aware of the future
consequence of her choices. A
godly woman avoids any present
situation that would be destructive
for her future usefulness to God.
“Do you not know that your body is
a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is
in you, whom you have received
from God? You are not your own;
you were bought at a price. There-
135
fore honor God with your body.” (1
Corinthians 6:19-20, NIV).
be truthful in speech and motives.
“With her enticing speech she
caused him to yield, With her flat-
tering lips she seduced him. Imme-
diately he went after her, as an ox
goes to the slaughter, Or as a fool
to the correction of the stocks, Till
an arrow struck his liver. As a bird
hastens to the snare, He did not
136
know it [would cost] his
life.” (Proverbs 7:21-23)
This deceitful woman is an ugly
woman because she is self-driven
and wants her way. Her words and
actions lead the man on a path to
destruction. A beautiful woman
wears heavenly beauty as God's
Word describes it.
4) A godly woman seeks to be gen-
tle and quiet.
137
“The woman Folly is loud; she is
undisciplined and without
knowledge.” (Proverbs 9:13, NIV).
“She is loud and defiant, her feet
never stay at home.” (Proverbs 7:11,
NIV).
This includes disrespect, hostility,
aggressiveness, and cunningness.
All of these qualities are bad news.
“And the Lord's servant must not
quarrel; instead, he must be kind to
138
everyone, able to teach, not resent-
ful.” (2 Timothy 2:24, NIV).
“Instead, it should be that of your
inner self, the unfading beauty of a
gentle and quiet spirit, which is of
great worth in God's sight.” (1 Pe-
ter 3:4, NIV).
“Wives, likewise, be submissive to
your own husbands, that even if
some do not obey the word, they,
without a word, may be won by the
conduct of their wives, when they
139
observe your chaste conduct ac-
companied by fear. Do not let your
adornment be merely outward—
arranging the hair, wearing gold, or
putting on fine apparel— rather let
it be the hidden person of the heart,
with the incorruptible beauty of a
gentle and quiet spirit, which is
very precious in the sight of God.
For in this manner, in former times,
the holy women who trusted in
God also adorned themselves, be-
ing submissive to their own hus-
140
bands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham,
calling him lord, whose daughters
you are if you do good and are not
afraid with any terror. Husbands,
likewise, dwell with them with un-
derstanding, giving honor to the
wife, as to the weaker vessel, and
as being heirs together of the grace
of life, that your prayers may not be
hindered.” (1 Peter 3:1-7).
Moms and dads, what kind of a
woman are you raising? A wise
141
woman or a foolish one? Does she
dress in a way that draws a young
man to think about her body and its
enticements or her spirit and its
beauty? Does she have a holy ha-
tred of sin? Does she use her pow-
ers to get her own way? Does she
manipulate by tears, looks, and
whatever it takes to accomplish her
ends? Is she argumentative, easily
quarreling and fighting with you or
her brothers and sisters?
142
Or is she peaceable, gentle and
easily entreated? If negative traits
become ingrained in her character,
the future could be at stake.
5) A godly woman seeks to care for
the home.
“She seeks wool and flax, and will-
ingly works with her
hands.” (Proverbs 31:13)
“She manages her home well” (Ti-
tus 2:5.).
143
She loves to tangibly serve others
with food and skills. She has a
home that is open and hospitable
and she is given to ministry to the
sick and needy and less fortunate.
6) A godly woman seeks to serve
others.
“She also rises while it is yet night,
and provides food for her house-
hold, and a portion for her maid-
servants. She extends her hand to
the poor, yes; she reaches out her
144
hands to the needy.” (Proverbs
31:15, 20)
She has learned the love of Christ
for others.
7) A godly woman strives to be a
person who can be trusted.
“The heart of her husband doth
safely trust in her, so that he shall
have no need of spoil. She will do
him good and not evil all the days
of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-16).
145
8) A godly woman seeks to be pru-
dent in financial matters.
“She considers a field and buys it;
from her profits she plants a vine-
yard. She makes linen garments
and sells [them,] and supplies sash-
es for the merchants.” (Proverbs
31:16, 24)
She is a saver not a spender. She
can see beyond today alone.
146
9) A godly woman seeks to be a
hard worker.
“She girds herself with strength,
and strengthens her arms. She
stretches out her hands to the dis-
taff, and her hand holds the spin-
dle.” (Proverbs 31:17,19)
God puts a premium on hard work
and so she moves towards it, and
not away from it. There is no sloth-
fulness, indolence, or lack of moti-
vation.
147
10) A godly woman seeks to do the
right thing and have a good reputa-
tion.
“Her husband is known in the gates,
when he sitteth among the elders
of the land.” (Proverbs 31:23).
“Moreover he must have a good
testimony among those who are
outside, lest he fall into reproach
and the snare of the devil.” (1 Tim-
othy 3:7).
148
“Her children arise up, and call her
blessed; her husband also, and he
praiseth her.” (Proverbs 31:28).
11) A godly woman seeks to inter-
nalise Biblical wisdom.
“She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue [is] the law of
kindness.” (Proverbs 31:26)
The Word is in her heart and life
and so it comes out of her mouth.
And when it does it is dressed in
149
the clothes of the Spirit, gentle and
kind.
12) A godly woman seeks to live
out the secrets of womanhood.
“Strength and honor [are] her cloth-
ing; She shall rejoice in time to
come.” (Proverbs 31:25)
The future smiles at her and her
children bless her.
We have looked at many character-
istics, ideas, and principles around
150
ladies. In the next chapter we will
look at children.
Prayer:
Father, thank you for mothers. Lord,
help me to become the mom You
created me to be. Assist me in be-
coming a woman of virtue, love,
and holiness. In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.
151
Chapter 5
What Does God Say
About Children?
After God created Adam and Eve,
He told them to "be fruitful and
multiply" (Genesis 1:28).
How would they do this? By having
children.
Children are a blessing from the
Lord. The Bible says, "Lo, children
152
Chapter 5: What Does God Say About Children?
are an heritage of the LORD: and
the fruit of the womb is his re-
ward ... Happy is the man that hath
his quiver full of them …" (Psalm
127:3,5).
God’s Word gives clear instruction
to parents about how they should
deal with their kids. In this chapter
though, I want to look at the other
side of the coin and ask, "What re-
sponsibility do children have to
their parents?"
153
Firstly, children need to obey their
parents. No doubt, all parents
would agree that this is the right
thing for kids to do. But why is
obedience to parents the proper
course of action? Simply because
God says that it is!
"Children, obey your parents in the
Lord: for this is right" (Ephesians
6:1).
It is a pleasing sight for the Lord to
observe kids obeying their dad and
154
mom: "Children, obey your parents
in all things: for this is well pleasing
unto the Lord" (Colossians 3:20).
“Jesus set a great example for all
children to follow by being obedi-
ent to Joseph and Mary throughout
His childhood: "And he went down
with them, and came to Nazareth,
and was subject unto them" (Luke
2:51).
Secondly, children need to respect
or honour their parents. The Lord’s
155
message to children is, "Honour
thy father and mother; which is the
first commandment with promise"
(Ephesians 6:2).
The opposite of respect or honour
would be to disrespect or dishon-
our them. Children show disrespect
for their parents when they say un-
kind things to or about them, mock
them, or when they totally disre-
gard their parents’ advice or direct
orders. Children also show disre-
156
spect for their parents when they
are ashamed of them for no justifi-
able reason. "Hearken unto thy fa-
ther that begat thee, and despise
not thy mother when she is old"
(Proverbs 23:22).
Thirdly, children have the respon-
sibility to love their parents. If you
have read the Bible, then you cer-
tainly have noticed that Jesus wants
us to love our enemies (Matthew
5:43, 44), our neighbours (Galatians
157
5:14), our children (Titus 2:4), and
our spouse, if we are married (Titus
2:4; Ephesians 5:25). In fact, the
New Testament teaches us that the
Lord wants us to love all men (1
Thessalonians 3:12). For children,
that would surely include loving
their own parents. If wisdom per-
sonified says, "I love them that love
me" (Proverbs 8:17), then surely it
is proper for kids to love their fa-
ther and mother. It is a beautiful
sight to see parents demonstrate
158
love for their kids. It is just as touch-
ing to see their kids show genuine
love in return! Those parents and
children who fail to do this are
"without natural affection" (2 Timo-
thy 3:3).
Fourthly, children should be con-
siderate of their parents. We un-
derstand that babies and toddlers
always want things to be done to
their satisfaction. As children are
growing up, however, they must
159
learn that the world does not re-
volve around them and their de-
sires. Seven year-olds, as well as
seventeen year-olds sometimes
make unreasonable demands of
their parents, giving little or no
thought to how difficult or taxing
this might be on their folks. The Bi-
ble teaches that all of us, including
kids, need to learn to be consider-
ate of others. "Let each of you look
out not only for his own interests,
160
but also for the interests of others"
(Philippians 2:4).
Children sometimes beg and beg
and beg their parents to take them
to a particular place or activity. As
children mature, they need to take
into account such questions as: Can
my folks afford this? Is my request
interfering with my parents’ plans?
Will fulfilling my request be an in-
convenience to my parents? Is my
desire reasonable? Is the timing
161
right? Children need to be consid-
erate of their parents. It should be
clear to those children who are
Christians, that treating others like
we would like to be treated applies
in our family relationships, just like
it does every place else (Matthew
7:12).
Fifthly, according to the Bible,
children should take care of their
parents. While most people easily
recognise that parents should pro-
162
vide for their kids, sometimes peo-
ple fail to realise that there may
come a point in life when the chil-
dren will need to take care of their
parents. Often this need arises due
to health or financial matters that
hinder aging parents. The Bible
says, "But if any widow have chil-
dren or nephews, let them learn
first to shew piety at home, and to
requite their parents: for that is
good and acceptable before God"
(1 Timothy 5:4).
163
The word "requite" means “to re-
pay”. When children are young,
they are on the receiving end of
their parents’ tender care. There
may come a time in the life of a
child’s parents that the child will
need to step up and repay his/her
parents by taking care of them. This
would be part of what the Bible
calls a child "serving" his/her father
(Philippians 2:22), or what it calls
"providing" for those of our own
family (1 Timothy 5:8). None of us
164
should overlook God’s charge for
us to care for widows. This is espe-
cially true when it comes to the
widows of our own family. "If any
man or woman that believeth have
widows, let them relieve them, and
let not the church be charged; that
it may relieve them that are widows
indeed" (1 Timothy 5:16).
Sixthly, children who are Christians
have the extra responsibility of set-
ting a good example before their
165
parents. Christians of all ages need
to let their "light" shine before
others (Matthew 5:16). For those
with Christian parents, this is a way
of encouraging the parents to re-
main faithful. For those kids who
are members of the church, but
their parents are not, being a good
example is an absolute must if they
want to be able to influence the
parents for good. Hypocrisy turns
people off, including our own fami-
ly members (Romans 2:21-24).
166
Along these same lines, children
who are members of the church
have the added responsibility of
trying to teach the gospel to their
parents if the parents are not Chris-
tians. While our concern is for "eve-
ry creature" in "all the world" (Mark
16:15), we need to make a special
effort to teach the gospel to our
parents. They may not have any in-
terest in hearing the truth. They
may think that they are already
saved. They may even think that
167
you (their child) are out of place in
trying to get them to change their
thinking and lives. It takes patience.
It takes persistence. It takes prayer.
It takes an ongoing effort to sow
the seed. The greatest thing that
Christian children can do for their
non-Christian parents is to help
them learn and obey the gospel
(Acts 16:9, 10).
Sadly, we live in a time when many
parents are not living up to their
168
God-given duties. Likewise, many
children make it plain that they
have no intention of carrying out
the responsibilities that the Bible
has so clearly assigned to them. A
family is truly blessed when chil-
dren conduct themselves according
to the principles of the Bible. These
biblical principles need to be
taught and practiced far and wide.
Thank God for those wonderful
children who are doing their very
best to be the kind of sons and
169
daughters that the Lord wants them
to be.
My responsibility as a parent:
There is a great responsibility in the
growth and development of chil-
dren. In many places in the Bible,
the message is that parents are to
train, teach, and instruct their chil-
dren in the ways of God.
“These commandments that I give
you today are to be upon your
170
hearts. Impress them on your chil-
dren. Talk about them when you sit
at home and when you walk along
the road, when you lie down and
when you get up.” (Deuteronomy
6:6-7)
We are to love God, to continually
think about his commandments,
teach these commandments to our
children, and to live according to
His Word on a daily basis.
171
The importance of a parent’s guid-
ance and direction is also found in
Proverbs:
“Train a child in the way he should
go, and when he is old he will not
turn from it.” (Proverbs 22: 6).
When we train children we should
do it in a suitable manner. We
should adapt the training to the
capacity and temperament of each
individual child. In other words, we
172
need to show respect for the indi-
viduality of each child.
The apostle Paul also saw it as im-
portant, that parents take responsi-
bility for educating their children
about the ways of God:
“Fathers, do not exasperate your
children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction of the
Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4).
173
God stressed the importance of
parents teaching the Bible to their
children. Contained in the pages of
the Bible are many practical lessons
and teachings that make it easy for
the child to understand the funda-
mental concepts of God. These
great truths are more effectively
learned in a God-fearing home
where there is a loving environ-
ment.
174
The responsibility for good training
cannot be underestimated. The
hopes of future generations de-
pend on how well you train your
children. As we train our children,
continually pray to God asking for
His assistance in the matter. Chil-
dren don’t just become followers of
God – parents must put tremen-
dous effort into effective teach-
ing. God has given you the gift of
children and it is your responsibility
to live out your duties as a parent in
175
obedience to God. Raising children
is not always easy but it is definitely
worthwhile.
There are many ways in which you
can teach them.
Here are some helpful guidelines:
• Pray with them. Teach them that
prayer is a conversation between
them and God. They can do it
anywhere and anytime they want
to. He loves to hear from them!
176
• Read them an age-appropriate
version of the Bible and do it
every day. Then talk to them
about what each story means
and what Jesus wants us to learn
from them.
• Take them to church. Teach them
that we go to church, to be with
others who love Jesus, and learn
about Him with them.
• Help them understand why they
believe what they do. They will
need it later in life, when people
177
ask them why they believe in Je-
sus. Many people believe be-
cause their parents do. Take your
child deeper than that, help them
come to belief on their own, in-
stead of just believing because
you do. Guide them, but don’t
decide for them.
• Teach them to show others Jesus,
not just with the words they say,
but also with action. Model this
for them; in the way you treat
others.
178
• Show them how the Bible relates
to them, in their own life. How
can the things they learn from
you and in church, work in school
or when they are with their
friends?
• Let them see you reading your
Bible. They aren’t going to listen
about how important it is, if they
never see you doing it. If all your
Bible does is collect dust, most
likely that is all your child’s Bible
will do too.
179
• Make sure your daily conversa-
tions have lots of your faith in
them. Your children are listen-
ing!
• Talk to your children and answer
their questions about God. If you
don’t know the answer, search
for it together. Use the time to
spend time with your child and to
get to know their thoughts and
feelings about God (excerpt out
of “Stick Like Glue Marriage:
God’s Design”).
180
• Finally see your children as a
pure gift from God. Cherish them,
love them, appreciate them, use
words of affirmation as often as
you can, hug your children, laugh
with your children, have fun with
your children, smile and enjoy life.
You have one life to live, so enjoy
it. Don't be too busy making a
living that you forget to make a
life. Remember that even though
your work is important, it is not
more important than your chil-
181
dren. Never ever allow the bal-
ance of work to swing away from
you, to a place where you can’t
give yourself wholeheartedly to
your children. If this is the case
then it is time to re-evaluate your
priorities and what is important
to you.
I have often seen how many good
families go astray because they
cannot prioritise their lives. There is
a certain order that your life should
182
be in as a Christian: God first; your
spouse second; your children third;
and your work fourth. Please take
note that this list is not perfect, but
is does help you to create some
blueprint to function from. God
wants to see you healthy and pro-
ductive as a parent - choose that
for yourself and as a couple. Listen
to His Spirit and let the Word of
God guide you.
183
If I think back over my life I can
honestly say I am the product of
parents that invested their time and
energy well. They loved me
enough to teach me, instruct me
and show me the way that I should
follow. It was through my parents
that I met the Lord and for that I
will be eternally thankful.
Parents, it does not matter how old
your children are or much you have
messed up. What does matter is
184
that your prayers are still effective.
Therefore use them. Pray as often
and as frequently as you can for
your children. Speak and declare
God's destiny over your kids. Don't
back down and don't surrender un-
til you see the plan of God coming
to fulfillment in their lives. God has
an ear and He is listening. He is at-
tentive to your requests and He
knows your heart. He knows your
concerns and He knows your wor-
ries. Speak to Him - He is ready to
185
help, assist, give life, and produce
hope.
Prayer:
Father, thank you for children,
thank you that I can be a parent.
Lord, give me the wisdom and
guide me into love, that I may un-
derstand and parent my child well.
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
186
Chapter 6
Things To Leave Out
Of The Marriage
A sharp tongue
A sharp tongue is one of the most
destructive tools that you can use
against your partner. It has the po-
tential and ability to cut deep with-
in the heart that leaves scars for a
lifetime.
187
The Bible says, "Death and life are
in the power of the tongue, and
those who love it will eat its fruits"
(Proverbs 18:21).
Of course, the "tongue" in this
verse represents that which
tongues produce: words. Jesus af-
firmed "on the Day of Judgment
people will give account for every
careless word they speak, for by
your words you will be justified,
and by your words you will be con-
188
Chapter 6: Things To Leave Out Of The Marriage
demned" (Matthew 12:36-37). The
words we speak will either build us
up or tear us down (Proverbs
10:14;13:2-3). Our tongue will ei-
ther bring blessings or curses upon
us—from both God and man—in
both the present time and for eter-
nity.
Our words have enormous power
for good or evil; yes, our tongues
can even kill or save lives. For ex-
ample, a false witness can cause
189
the death of an innocent man
(Proverbs 25:18), or a comforter can
give hope to a suicidal person
through an uplifting word (Proverbs
16:24). A slanderer can destroy the
reputation of a good person
(Psalms 56:2; 1 Corinthians 6:10). A
seductive woman can, by her
tempting words, ruin a man's life
(Proverbs 5:3; 7:5; 23:27).
Godly parents can teach their chil-
dren the truth of God's Word
190
(Proverbs 22:6), setting them on the
path of life. A wise counsellor can
steer the young through the perils
and vulnerabilities of their youth (2
Timothy 2:22).
The Bible vividly describes bitter
words as arrows (Psalm 64:3), sharp
and poisonous as a serpent (Psalm
140:3). James tells us that the
tongue is like a fire, ignited by hell
itself (James 3:6). How many lives
were destroyed as a result of the
191
fiery, manipulative words spoken by
Adolf Hitler in the 1930s and early
'40s? "Violence overwhelms the
mouth of the wicked" (Proverbs
10:11b).
Good words give life.
"A man has joy by the answer of his
mouth, and a word spoken in due
season, how good it is!" (Proverbs
15:23).
192
Timing is important. The wise per-
son will speak the truth when and
where it's fitting and needed. The
one who brags that he's "brutally
frank" is the one who usually for-
gets the importance of timing his
remarks. Someone once said, "Al-
ways tell the truth, but don't always
be telling it”. The tone of our
words can be just as important as
their meaning.
193
"A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger"
(Proverbs 15:1).
"The mouth of the righteous is a
fountain of life" (Proverbs 10:11a).
The power of life and death is in
your tongue. Choose life!
The tongue is a powerful weapon
that sows potential wherever it
goes. The questions you must ask
yourself are simply: ‘What type of
194
seed am I sowing?’, ‘What potential
harvest can it bring?’, ‘What should
I repent of?’, ‘What can I change?’.
While you have breath in your body,
you have the ability to change.
Now is the time.
The past ways and its patterns
Many people drag their past into
their present like a precious me-
mento or trophy. Your past is only
important to learn from, but it has
195
no power to shape the future un-
less you bring it into the future. Old
hurts, old offenses, old battles
should be left in the past. They
have absolutely no business in your
today. Isn’t it true that without real-
ising it, we often carry something
around with us everywhere we go?
We bring it into our conversations,
and it shows up in our attitudes.
Whatever that thing is from the
past, it may never really have exist-
196
ed, yet its power lives inside us and
keeps us from moving forward.
Listen to people talk throughout
the day, and take note of where
their conversations are grounded—
in the future, in the present, or in
the past. Where would you guess
most conversations draw from?
The answer is the past.
“Forget the former things; do not
dwell on the past. See, I am doing
197
a new thing! Now it springs up; do
you not perceive it? I am making a
way in the wilderness and streams
in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18–19).
Some of us take our past, and its
stress, with us everywhere we go,
towing it along behind us. Why do
we do it? It’s familiar to us. It’s that
warm and fuzzy bag of stories we
like to take out and share with our
family, friends, and coworkers. This
comfortable past is often our “best
198
friend”. It’s who and what we know
best. It’s like a worn-out easy chair
or an old pair of shoes that fits us
and feels just right. But God com-
mands us to “Forget the former
things; do not dwell on the past”
(Isaiah 43:18), lest we miss the new
thing He is doing right in front of
us!
When people talk about or think
about their past, it seems to take
on the characteristics of a real-life
199
being. The past cannot breathe,
talk, think, or do. However, it is
immensely powerful and can take
over our future if we let it. It’s like
the sirens on the shore, luring you
toward the rocks over and over
again. Focusing on the past will
certainly limit your choices for the
future.
Each of us has a powerful choice.
We have the ability to create our
own simplified future by starting
200
with a blank sheet of paper and a
heart surrendered to God’s will for
our lives.
“We must always obey the man-
date “onward, onward, onward”
(Charles Spurgeon)
Choose to leave the past behind,
and begin living a life filled with
new possibilities! If you don’t, you
will carry your past right into your
marriage and it will start to shape
things that you are not proud of.
201
Leave the past; choose today to say
“no” to the past.
No matter how bad or uncomforta-
ble the past may be - leave it. It has
no power over your now, it has no
power over you, you are not your
past, you are not your past experi-
ences, you are not like your mom,
like your dad, like your education.
You are the sum of your decisions,
which should be founded and ce-
mented in the Word of God. Don't
202
let the devil dictate a future to you
that is shaped by your past. Simply
say “no”. Refuse to be the product
of your summed experiences and
choose to be the person the Word
of God tells you to be.
Three simple questions:
1. How has holding onto your past
placed limits on your future?
203
2. What might you need to leave
behind or let go of in order to
move forward into the future?
3. Is there a situation or a conversa-
tion from the past that you need to
deal with in the present in order to
move on to your future?
Now let's look at arguing between
couples, and more specifically,
Christians who argue.
204
Most people argue because they
think they have a right to. But argu-
ing does not solve problems. I have
seen many couples, young, and old,
sow deep hurt into their relation-
ships because they continuously
argue. Finding fault is one of the
key motivations behind arguing.
Finding fault simply means you
look for reasons to find a problem
(e.g. not lifting the toilet seat, not
putting the toothpaste cap back,
etc.) There may be many reasons
205
why you are not happy, but if you
choose to be happy you can be.
Your joy is not linked to the circum-
stances you find yourself in. Rather
it is linked to Holy Spirit that re-
sides within you (1 Corinthians
3:16). If you want someone to
change quicker then don't tell them
about all their shortcomings, rather
love them wholeheartedly. Love
conquers much more than what ar-
guing ever can.
206
In my marriage we have made up
our minds that we are not going to
fight over the mundane small nu-
ances of life. We decided that we
won’t get upset about things that
don't deserve our time or energy.
Rather, we will enjoy and love one
another. This has been a great dis-
position that has led to a peaceful
and joyous marriage.
Furthermore, finding fault in a rela-
tionship is often a sign of another
207
problem. Although many wish for
one easy answer, there is no magic
formula when it comes to solving
problems and building a healthy
marriage. The bottom line is that
without strong communication, the
relationship will suffer. What many
spouses do not realise is that com-
munication should be two-fold.
Take time to communicate in the
relationship and make time for in-
dividual reflection. Feeling good
about yourself will be evident in
208
your relationship, reflecting a se-
cure and appropriately responsive
partner who is less likely to find
fault.
If you want to stop finding fault I
would advise you to stop making
assumptions, especially when feel-
ing hurt. Many people project their
own thoughts and feelings onto the
person causing the hurtful feelings.
Instead, ask your spouse or partner
to sit down with you. Describe what
209
you are feeling and ask for clarifica-
tion. Most often your interpretation
of the offending behaviour could
be misplaced. Rather, look for the
positive intention behind the be-
haviour. Sometimes, even though
intentions are good, the behaviour
or actions are not. It is easier to
stop finding fault when you give
your spouse or partner the benefit
of the doubt. If you can't find it, ask.
210
Lastly, maybe take a silent moment
to ask yourself about the real
source of your frustration. This step
takes courage. You may find feel-
ings you would prefer to remain
hidden, such as jealousy or insecu-
rity. Don't worry, both of these feel-
ings are normal, but they must be
managed. If you find they are the
reason behind your faultfinding,
keep the focus on you until you are
ready to have an honest conversa-
211
tion about how your feelings im-
pact your faultfinding.
In a marriage you must also learn
the art of respecting individual dif-
ferences, but still come to a collec-
tive conclusion. Remember you are
a team, although you are individu-
als. Your best interest is your part-
ner’s best interest. Stop being self-
ish, life is not about you and your
needs. Marriage is about two peo-
ple, living in harmony as they pur-
212
sue the will of God over their lives.
Be respectful about differences, try
to understand, ask the reason for
the viewpoint. Most people have
reasons for the way they view
things as they do. Most people live
with a worldview (the way they see
life), this view is made up of their
central beliefs (e.g. God, family,
education, background and experi-
ence). Once you know the view it is
easy to find middle ground.
213
Lastly, make sure you get rid of
selfishness. The Bible says, "For
where jealousy and selfish ambition
exist, there will be disorder and
every vile practice. But the wisdom
from above is first pure, then
peaceable, gentle, open to reason,
full of mercy and good fruits,
impartial and sincere" (James 3:16-
17).
No one is immune to selfishness. A
quick glance at biblical examples
214
shows the problem in the called
and uncalled alike. We see it in
Cain's cold-blooded words
concerning Abel, Nabal's refusal of
food to David, Haman's selfish
conceit, James and John's seeking
of high position, and the priest and
Levite's passing by the wounded
man. Human nature is self-
centered, and we must overcome
it.
215
Many examples of unselfish people
appear in God's written Word.
Abram dealt unselfishly with Lot
when he gave Lot his choice of
land. Joseph provided for his
brothers and their children even
after everything his brothers had
done to him. Daniel refused any
gifts or rewards from King
Belshazzar for his interpretation, so
that he would not gain from God's
inspiration and that God would
receive the glory. These examples
216
show that unselfishness leads to
giving, to outgoing concern.
Paul writes of the best way to
overcome selfishness: "whatever
you do, do all to the glory of God”
(1 Corinthians 10:31).
Throughout his ministry, he sought
not his own profit but to help
others prepare for God's Kingdom.
Certainly, Christ's example of His
sacrifice for us is the ultimate
unselfish act. Since selfishness is
217
the seeking of our own lusts
regardless of its impact on others, it
is sin and must be overcome. We
must avoid seeking our own
pleasures, instead seeking the
good of others and put-
ting Christ first. This will manifest
true Christian love, which "suffers
long and is kind" and "does not
seek its own."
In marriage this cannot be truer.
When a person seeks their own way
218
they will always find themselves in a
clash with someone else. We must
strive to be unselfish in our conduct,
especially when it comes to mar-
riage. Ask yourself: How frequently
am I seeking my own way? How
much do I look out for my own
needs? How much do I look to
serve the needs of my partner?
How often do I go out of my way to
see my partner’s needs fulfilled?
219
All of these questions come down
to how much you can serve. Serv-
ing is an integral and essential part
of marriage, and without it selfish-
ness will prevail. Serving simply
means that I lay aside my own
needs and look to serve the needs
of my partner. This is a difficult task
as most of us don't like to serve.
Most of us find it difficult to lay
aside our needs and wants, which is
why we need the Help of Holy Spir-
it. Without Him, serving is difficult,
220
but with Him as our leader, serving
becomes easier.
Serving is also a two-way street,
husband and wife both need to
serve, and they both need to show
a willingness to be led by the Holy
Ghost. If both spouses don't serve,
your marriage life will feel lop-sided.
The best way you can activate serv-
ing in your marriage is to start.
Don't wait for your partner to get it
and for him or her to start serving
221
before you start to serve. Rather,
initiate the process by serving first.
The more you serve the more you
sow to the Spirit. We must under-
stand that this world is governed by
spiritual laws. The law of the Spirit
is stronger than the law of the natu-
ral. The law of the Spirit governs or
controls and can override the laws
of the natural. For example, when
we command healing in the Name
of Jesus we believe in a spiritual
truth and a spiritual law that is set
222
in place by God. This truth (law)
when activated by faith results in
healing. Healing is the overriding of
sickness or the casting out of it. The
Spiritual law (God’s healing) gov-
erns the natural law (sickness).
When we serve, we abide accord-
ing to a spiritual law that has the
power to cast out natural works of
the flesh.
Here are some practical ways in
which you can serve:
223
• Look out for the needs of
your partner, try to fulfill them.
• Be a step ahead (e.g. run the
bath water, prepare dinner,
buy a gift, etc.).
• Use words of appreciation.
• Be thoughtful.
• Be patient.
• Write him or her a letter.
• Date him or her.
224
If you really want to serve, you will
find many ways to do so. Be open,
and be ready.
Prayer:
Father, help me not to mess up my
marriage by having a sharp tongue
or being selfish in my pursuits. Lord,
help me to serve, love and protect.
I lay down my own needs and
wants, and I take up the serving
heart of Christ. In Jesus’ name I
pray. Amen.
225
Chapter 7
Further Enemies Of
Marriage
There is a continuous battle on
earth among all human beings over
which habits will dominate them.
The world is full of numerous
desires that can be divided into two
main parts: godly desires and un-
godly desires. All ungodly desires
226
Chapter 7: Further Enemies of Marriage
war against the heart and take the
soul captive.
The Bible says, “Keep your heart
with all diligence, for out of it
springs the issues of life” (Proverbs
4:23).
What we entertain in our hearts will
reflect in our lives. One of the
clearest enemies of any marriage is
when men and women lust after
other people in any form. God
does not like this, as it wars with His
227
blueprint for marriage. Jesus made
it very clear, “But I say unto you
that whoever looks at a woman to
lust for her has already committed
adultery with her in his heart”
(Matthew 5:28).
Loyalty and faithfulness towards
your marriage partner is of crucial
importance as it creates trust.
Without trust your marriage will find
it difficult to be a haven of security.
228
When Jesus spoke of adulteries,
fornications, and lewdness being
“evil things” that defile people,
Christ knew what He meant (Mark
7:20-23). Adultery is engaging in
sexual behaviour with a married
person, and Jesus said that
adultery includes divorcing and
marrying another person, for any
ither reason than one’s spouse
being sexually unfaithful (Matthew
5:32, 19:9, Mark 10:11-12, Luke
16:18 - cf. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
229
Christ also spoke against lewdness,
which He defined as “to allure
through the lusts of the flesh” (2
Peter 2:18; Luke 17:1; James 1:13-
14).
To cause others to lust through
tempting speech, revealing
clothing and nudity is lewd-
ness. Remember Jesus’ words that
out of the heart proceed evil things
like evil thoughts, adulteries,
fornications, covetousness, and
230
lewdness (Mark 7:20-23). Regarding
sexual immorality within the heart,
Jesus taught to not look with the
intention of lusting (Matthew 5:28).
Looking at another person with an
inflamed craving and lust is
adultery in the heart. Jesus said in
Mark 7:20-23 that what comes out
of a man’s heart defiles him (Matt-
hew 15:19-20). Jesus said, “And I
say to that every person looking at
a woman with covetous lust for her
231
has now committed adultery with
her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
Spouses are hurt by their partners’
lusting for others even though that
lust is not actually adultery (1
Corinthians 7:1-9). We must know
that sexual sin is a sin against the
body. It defiles a man. Other sexual
sins would include pornography,
sexual fetishes, etc. These things
wreck hearts and destroy lives
when we indulge in them. We must
232
run away from all sexual perversity
and seek holiness, purity and love
as the basis for all our operations
within marriage. If you are stuck in
any of these it is never too late to
change, repent and turn around. I
would like to encourage you to
renew your mind.
Romans 12:2 commands, “And do
not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind, that you
233
may prove what is that good and
acceptable and perfect will of
God.”
You must change your mind and
thus your heart (Romans 1:28, 8:7;
Ephesians 2:3, 4:17-24; Philippians
3:19).
A change of heart is the result of a
changed mind. You must educate
your mind by thinking like Christ
and dressing yourself in Christ.
234
Romans 13:13-14 states, “Let us
walk properly, as in the day, not in
revelry and drunkenness, not in
lewdness and lust, not in strife and
envy. But put on the Lord Jesus
Christ, and make no provision for
the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.”
Remember, you are fully dressed in
Christ (Ephesians 6). He has given
you everything to overcome. Now
get dressed in who you are.
235
From my book, Beyond Satan's
Reach, I quickly want to remind you
of these armour pieces:
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and
in His mighty power. Put on the
whole armour of God that ye may
be able to stand against the wiles
of the devil”. (Ephesians 6:10-11)
As Paul comes to the end of the
Book of Ephesians he wants to em-
phasise that which he wants to
share next. In verse 10 he writes:
236
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and
in His mighty power”. The word
“finally” is an important word in the
context of this chapter and this
book as a whole. We can rephrase
it to read: “If you haven’t taken
note of anything that I have written
so far, sit up, open your ears and
listen, because I am now going to
share vital, life-saving information
with you.”
237
After Paul ensures that he has se-
cured the attention of his readers,
he continues with the verse, saying
that we must “be strong in the Lord
and in His mighty power”.
“Be strong” (endunamoo) can best
be translated “to put power into”,
for example to put fuel into a car's
tank, to give a car the ability to be-
come mobile, to have strength.
Thus, our power and our strength
lies in the Lord, it is locked up in
238
Him. In Christ we have ability,
strength, the potency, muscle and
vigour.
“And his mighty power” denotes
that our inherent strength and abil-
ity to rule over the power of dark-
ness lie resident in the Lord. For
example: a big bodybuilder’s mus-
cularity displays his might, but his
power is resident in those muscles.
Applying this image to us, our
239
might lies in the Lord and our pow-
er is derived from Him.
This is a powerful truth, as the devil
can never totally defeat a Christian
who knows and loves the Lord. He
may try to wear out, tread upon
and tire a saint, but he can never
accomplish total defeat against a
believer. The reason is simple; God
won’t allow him to.
As mentioned in the previous chap-
ter, it is true that the devil is a dan-
240
gerous enemy, but Jesus sealed his
fate the day He rose from the grave.
Just imagine with me for a moment
what it must have been like when
the devil and all his followers start-
ed to celebrate victory over Jesus
Christ’s death on the cross, thinking
(mistakenly of course!) that they
had conquered and vanquished
him. On the contrary, as they were
celebrating the biggest party hell
had ever seen, a bright light and
majestic power invaded their terri-
241
tory, “kicked down the gates of hell”
and walked in. I can vividly see the
contorted faces of hordes of de-
mons realising in terror that Jesus
was not dead, the exact opposite
was true: He was very much alive
and walked into their domain.
We need to understand that de-
mons never doubted Jesus’ claim
as the Son of God. They knew very
well who He was and so it must
have been when Jesus kicked down
242
hell’s gates and walked into the
devil’s domain to take back the
keys of death and Hades ...all
probably frozen in fear and silence.
The King of Kings had made an en-
trance and He was not to be con-
quered, death couldn’t hold Him,
the demons couldn’t defeat Him,
Satan couldn’t outwit Him. The
King had risen and God made the
enemy His footstool once and for
all eternity to come!
243
“Put on the whole armour….”
“Put on”, in this context, simply
means, “to be dressed sufficiently
for spiritual warfare”. Paul gives an
instruction to “put on the whole
armour of God”. The “whole ar-
mour” (panoplia) denotes all of the
armour. When a soldier goes to war
he cannot wear only a helmet, nor
can he set forth with only a sword.
He needs all the armour available
to him. Without the full armour, he
244
may find himself in serious difficulty
and the chances are good that he
may even die because he does not
go to war fully dressed and pre-
pared. The pieces of armour avail-
able to the Christian are the helmet
of salvation, the breastplate of
righteousness, the sword of the
Spirit, the belt of truth, the shoes of
peace and the shield of faith.
All of these equal our identity in
Christ. In Christ we have salvation,
245
we are the righteous of God, we
have the ability to slay the enemy
with the rhema (revealed, illuminat-
ed) Word of God, we can walk in
truth, we are entitled to peace, and
we have the ability to stop every
attack the enemy may want to
launch at us. That is why the Apos-
tle Paul says in Romans 13:14:
“clothe yourselves with the Lord
Jesus Christ”.
246
The word “clothe” is the Greek
word enduo and it denotes putting
something on, like a jacket, a dress,
or any other garment. When we
clothe ourselves with Jesus Christ
we put on everything that is availa-
ble to us in Him. This highlights the
importance of knowing Christ.
Without knowing Christ we may
walk through this life with limited
success due to lack of knowledge.
247
Here is a brief discussion on the dif-
ferent pieces of armour:
The pieces of armour begin with
the “belt of truth” being in place.
All of the other pieces of armour
are entwined with, and dependent
on, the belt. Without truth securely
around your waist and fundamental
to your life there is no sense of
righteousness, no peace, no effec-
tive harmony with the other pieces
of armour.
248
A man can’t keep his trousers up
without a belt, so when truth is not
"worn" and lived as the central,
most essential "garment" in the life
of a believer, nothing else will fall
into place. It is important to take
note that truth and light are inter-
twined partners scripturally.
Whatever is done in truth will natu-
rally abide in the light. Jesus said in
the Book of John: “This is the ver-
dict: Light has come into the world,
249
but men loved darkness instead of
light because their deeds were evil.
Everyone who does evil hates the
light, and will not come into the
light for fear that his deeds will be
exposed. But whoever lives by the
truth comes into the light, so that it
may be seen plainly that what he
has done has been done through
God” (John 3:19-21).
Therefore we see the clear compar-
ison: “But whoever lives by the
250
truth comes into the light, so that it
may be seen plainly that what he
has done has been done through
God” (John 3:21).
There are three kinds of truth found
in the Scripture:
(1) We have the Word of God,
which is the truth. Every word writ-
ten can be believed since all of it is
inspired by God Himself. The rea-
son why many saints are not obedi-
ent to God’s Word is because they
251
treat the Scripture as a Book of
suggestions rather than a Book of
commands. If we really believe that
the Word of God is "God-
breathed" and the final authority
on all affairs of life, we will put
more effort into being obedient to
the Word of God. When someone
says to you: “follow this instruction
or die” you will most definitely fol-
low the instruction. The reason is
simple; you know that from obedi-
ence flows life. Exactly the same
252
truth applies to the Scripture: from
obedience flows life. God is serious
about His Word. Jesus said every
word that is written down will be
fulfilled, none will remain outstand-
ing and incomplete, and there sure-
ly is precision in execution.
(2) Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of
Truth. This means that whatever He
says, wherever He leads, whatever
He instructs, can be followed. He
does not want to achieve His own
253
goal or purpose; He speaks and
acts on behalf of Jesus Christ. Holy
Spirit is the Spirit of Truth; there is
nothing false about Him. This is an
important truth to grasp, because
Holy Spirit plays a vital role in all
believers' lives. Actually, the abun-
dance of our lives is locked up in
our ability to follow His guidance.
He is the Spirit of Truth; He lives in-
side of you. He has an intimate ex-
citement about seeing you grow in
Christ, for He knows that God the
254
Father desires spiritually mature
Christians. The more we grow in
Christ the more we can experience
Him. We need to understand that
the extent to which Christ is formed
in us is the extent to which we will
experience Him. This is a life-long
process that involves a daily deci-
sion to follow the Spirit of Truth. I
have seen hundreds of people
pierce themselves with so many
unnecessary disappointments be-
cause they did not heed His voice.
255
Don’t be like that; be obedient.
Live a life that is one of total sub-
mission to the Spirit’s lead and
guidance. If you make up your
mind to be a good follower, you
will see your life flourish with the
knowledge of Christ. The end result
for you will be a reward that you
cannot fathom or imagine while on
earth. Therefore, make a decision
today to follow the Spirit of Truth!
256
(3) We see that Jesus calls himself
“Truth” in John 14:6: “I am the
way, the truth and the life.” Jesus is
truth about God, His intentions,
and His heart towards us. Jesus is
the exact representation of God
the Father unto us.
In Christ, there is no shadow of
turning, no darkness at all; He is
light and truth. Whoever walks in
Christ walks in truth and therefore
he/she is in the light.
257
When we become children of God
we have an inbred longing for truth.
That truth is only found in the per-
son of Jesus Christ. When we have
come to the knowledge of Jesus
Christ, a total shift of spiritual ge-
netic material is taking place. Truth
now becomes a partner to us. As
children of God we should have a
hunger to walk in truth. When we
walk in truth we will know Christ
and in turn know the Father’s heart
towards us. Our real identity is only
258
discovered in Jesus Christ because
before Him we were totally lost,
confused, and headed for hell. Af-
ter we have found Christ we can
learn and discover our new identity
in Him, which entitles us to the
Kingdom’s fruits found in Holy Spir-
it working through us.
The “sword of the Spirit” or the
rhema word of God, is God’s
quickened word in us. There are
two categories of Word in the Bi-
259
ble: the written Word of God (log-
os) and the rhema or revealed
Word of God. The rhema Word of
God is God’s quickened word for
your specific situation. For exam-
ple: you may be in some financial
difficulty or facing a relationship
problem and whilst you read the
Scriptures, a verse "jumps out" at
you, most appropriately and appli-
cable to your situation.
260
You know that you have read that
specific verse many times, but sud-
denly that specific verse becomes
"alive" in your understanding. Fur-
thermore, it is absolutely applicable
to your situation. What has hap-
pened? Holy Spirit has illuminated
the logos into rhema, He has given
you a weapon to effectively fight
the devil.
Most importantly, here is a point
that we cannot fail to notice: the
261
more logos (God’s written Word)
dwells inside of you, the more rhe-
ma (revealed, illuminated Word)
you will be able to receive. The
Word of God is effective enough to
slay the devil on all avenues of his
schemes, accusations, and sugges-
tions. We must be completely filled
and saturated with God’s Word in
order to become deaf to the devil’s
roar in his suggestions, allegations,
and lies. We must see ourselves as
262
containers of the Word that over-
flows every day of our lives.
We must note that the written
Word of God is the only VISIBLE
piece of armour, which is concrete.
All of the other pieces of armour
are not visible to the eye, cannot
be touched, or handled. This fact
places great emphasis on the im-
portance of the Word of God in our
lives. We cannot afford to leave the
263
Word as a mere item of decoration
in our homes.
Scriptural knowledge is gained
when we discipline ourselves to
make the Word of God part our
daily lifestyles. We should be in
love with Jesus to such an extent
that His Word becomes a delight to
our souls. In today’s current spiritu-
al climate it is necessary and abso-
lutely imperative that we know His
Word. I am shocked when I discov-
264
er at various times how little God’s
people actually and truly know His
Word.
Many years ago, an older and well-
respected leader of our nation said
to me: “Young man, you don’t
know your Bible, you will easily fall
prey to the devil”. These words
shocked me so deeply that I started
to read my Bible like a crazed man.
I practically didn't do anything else.
Now, years after that day, the Word
265
of God dwells richly inside of me. I
have made it a daily habit to spend
as much time as I can in God’s
Word.
We can never say we didn’t know,
we should rather say we were too
lazy to find out.
“The shield of faith” is our ability
to stand against the onslaught or
fiery darts of the wicked one. The
soldier’s shield in the Roman Em-
pire was made from animal hide
266
and needed daily care. If the sol-
dier did not take care of his shield
of animal hide, it became hard and
brittle. Soldiers generally took care
of their shields by smearing it with
oil daily to keep it supple. Another
method was to dip it in water and
allowing the water to saturate every
particle of the hide. Should a sol-
dier neglect to take care of his
shield, it could mean impending
death. The same principle applies
to Christians. If we don’t "lubri-
267
cate" ourselves frequently with the
oil or anointment of Holy Spirit and
immerse ourselves often enough in
the water of the Word, we will be-
come hard and brittle. The result of
this could lead to death or failure.
We should make sure that our faith
is sound. “Faith comes by hearing,
hearing comes by the word of God”
(Romans 10:17).
268
Thus, we experience and see the
interaction between faith and the
Word.
Faith is crucial because without
faith we cannot please God, we
cannot access heaven’s ability. God
is only moved by faith and does not
respond to doubt and disbelief.
Ask yourself this question: "is my
shield of faith in place?" If not, then
it is time to rectify this situation.
You can only have strong faith if
269
you allow yourself to be immersed
by God’s Word and His Spirit. This
means that you need to prioritise
your day, prioritise your life, and
spend your energy on that which
has eternal value. Many of us pur-
sue things that can’t help us. We
should become resolute in our de-
cision to receive all that we can in
Christ, nothing less will do.
“The helmet of salvation” - the
Greek word for “helmet” is
270
perikephalaia and literally means
“around the head or affixed secure-
ly around the head”. If the Roman
soldier did not wear his helmet se-
curely around his head, he could
receive critical blows that could
leave him with horrible injuries or
dead. Salvation in the Scripture
means to be saved from great dan-
ger, to be rescued, snatched away
from impending death and destruc-
tion, or some expositors even feel
that it could mean to have hope in
271
the return of Jesus Christ. In the
simplest of terms it symbolises our
hope in Christ, who has saved and
rescued us. We can wear this hel-
met proudly, because Jesus paid
the price and we want the entire
world to see that we belong to Je-
sus Christ.
Salvation is a three-fold process in
a believer's life:
(1) Justification: When we come to
Jesus Christ we are justified. This is
272
a past action that God has done for
us. Justification means that we are
in right standing with God; we have
come to Him on His terms through
Christ. Or we can say that because
of Jesus we now meet the require-
ments necessary to have a living re-
lationship with the Father.
(2) Sanctification: The second pro-
cess of salvation is sanctification.
Sanctification involves the process
of letting go of the old person and
273
his nature and taking on the new
nature found in Christ. This new na-
ture is formed within us as we are
obedient to the scriptures and the
guidance of Holy Spirit and. I have
found that God does not do a
complete overhaul or makeover in
all avenues of your human expres-
sion all at once, He rather forms
you bit by bit. That is why the Bible
declares that you should work out
your own salvation in fear and
trembling. Just imagine if the Chris-
274
tian world of today took this seri-
ously, there would be a lot less of
working out my neighbour's salva-
tion and a lot more of working out
my own salvation.
(3) Glorification: The last process of
salvation is glorification, which is a
future prospect, although it has al-
ready been settled now. This is a
bit more complex, but the truth
thereof is amazing.
275
This denotes that God has already
settled the score. Therefore, as
Christians, we will not stand in front
of God one day and be judged
with Heaven and Hell in mind. Ra-
ther we will give an account of all
the things we have done in the
flesh as Christians and be rewarded
accordingly. Glorification is some-
thing that God has done and will
do. He will raise us from the dead,
as His Spirit is already living and
dwelling inside of us. You see,
276
when God resurrected Christ, He
made us alive in Him. We live in
Christ.
“The shoes of peace” - the Roman
soldier wore sandals, which were
called caligas. The caliga was a
leather sandal strapped around the
ankle with studs underneath. These
studs were at times 2 to 3 inches
long and were meant to give the
soldier good traction. Now one
truth remains: if a man has sandals
277
strapped to his feet with 2 to 3 inch
studs or spikes underneath, he
won’t be easily moved. The caliga
symbolises a Christian who has
planted his feet deeply in the Gos-
pel of Peace, the Good News that
brings peace and hope. A man who
has embedded himself firmly in the
Gospel of Peace won’t be easily
moved by the onslaught of the
devil.
278
The peace of God is our heritage in
Christ. Christ Himself is our peace
(Ephesians 2:14). The peace of God
in a believer's life is crucial and very
important.
The Bible declares the following:
“let the peace of Christ rule in your
hearts” (Colossians 3:15). The word
“rule” in this context gives us the
meaning and image of an umpire.
When applied to our lives, this
means that the peace of Christ is
279
the umpire in our lives: it is His
peace that "calls the shots", His
peace that must rule our hearts and
minds. If the peace of God is ab-
sent, something is seriously wrong.
“The breastplate of righteous-
ness” was a majestic piece of ar-
mour. It is well known that some
breastplates were beautifully deco-
rated. Righteousness emphasises
our conformity to the holy character
of God. In other words, in Christ we
280
meet the requirements, which God
has set to be in right standing with
Him.
2 Corinthians 5:21, “He made him
who knew no sin, to be sin on our
behalf that we may become the
righteousness of God in Him”.
Jesus took our sin, along with all
the sin of the world, upon Himself
the day He died on the cross of
Calvary in our place. Righteousness
paid the price so that lawlessness
281
could come into right standing with
God through and in Jesus Christ.
Outside Jesus we are God’s ene-
mies and the wrath of God is valid
in our lives. In Christ, however, we
have become the righteousness of
God.
Being in right standing with God is
a privilege and an honour made
available in and through Christ. It is
important to note and constantly
be aware of the fact that we have
282
done nothing to receive righteous-
ness; it is rather the accomplished
work of Christ. Our works don’t de-
fine us; we are defined by Christ
who lives inside of us (Colossians
1:27). He is our righteousness!
Thank you Jesus, for your blood
was (and will always be) more than
sufficient for us!
Now, being fully dressed with the
belt of truth, in the sword of the
Spirit, with the shield of faith and
283
the helmet of salvation, with the
breastplate of righteousness and
the shoes of peace, we have be-
come a worthy adversary, in Christ,
against the devil.
Remember, our strength, our pow-
er and our ability to live victoriously
does not lie within ourselves. It is
captured within Christ and what He
has bestowed upon us through His
abundant love and grace. We are
truly more than conquerors through
284
Christ who rules in our hearts,
through His Spirit, which enables us
to overcome all things, through
Him, that supplies us with strength.
Glory be to God!
Now that you are reminded about
the power you possess in Christ,
you must know and understand
that God is with you. You can turn
anything around by a humble and
willing heart. If the enemy has tak-
en territory in your life through sex-
285
ual sin, now is the time to repent
and come clean. If you have done
things in secrecy, confess them to
God and your partner. Be open, be
strong, be courageous, it is your life
- do not waste it on the enemy’s
lies.
286
Prayer:
Father, I repent of any fleshliness in
my life. Please forgive me of any
sexual sin that is not pleasing in
Your sight. Help me to get dressed
in Your armour and to remain
standing in Your ways. In Jesus’
Name I pray. Amen.
287
Chapter 8
Divorce
Even though divorce is not in God’s
heart for marriage, it is a reality and
something worthwhile to consider
in this book.
Marriages that end in divorce typi-
cally begin with a process of unrav-
eling, estrangement or emotional
separation, years before the actual
legal divorce is obtained. During
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the course of the marriage, one or
both of the marital partners begins
to feel alienated from the other.
Conflicts with each other and with
the children intensify, become
more frequent, and often go unre-
solved. Feelings of bitterness, help-
lessness, and anger escalate as the
spouses weigh the costs and bene-
fits of continuing with the marriage
versus separating.
289
For both parents and children, the
most difficult and stressful phase of
the divorce process is usually the
period leading up to and immedi-
ately following parental separation
and divorce. The uncoupling pro-
cess takes on several dimensions at
this stage, as divorcing parents
confront legal challenges and ex-
penses, make their intentions pub-
lic to family and friends, and rede-
fine their roles as residential and
non-residential parents. In addition,
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Chapter 8: Divorce
the process of unraveling and fami-
ly dissolution continues, coupled
with numerous potentially life-
altering transitions for children. Fol-
lowing divorce, children live in
many different family forms. The
most common pattern is that they
live with their mothers and have
less contact with their fathers.
Furthermore, we all know that
divorce can be difficult for children
to endure. But did you know that
291
the way parents handle divorce
around children directly correlates
to the level of adjustment that
children benefit from post-divorce?
There are a number of things a
parent may say or do to greatly
increase the stress level of a child
of divorce. Parents are often so
consumed by grief and loss
themselves that they act or react in
harmful ways around their children
that can have far-reaching negative
consequences for the children and
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the relationship between parent
and child.
Here are the 12 worst parenting
mistakes that divorcing or divorced
parents can make:
(1) Leaning on your child for
support during this time of pain in
your life is unhealthy and inap-
propriate. Children cannot help
their parents through the adult task
of mourning the loss of a marriage!
Loyalty issues will leave a child feel-
293
ing guilty for siding against a
parent or possibly dispropor-
tionately angry at a parent for
leaving him with this burden. This is
the time to lean on family and
friends so that you are strong
enough to allow your child to lean
on you.
(2) You should never speak badly
about your ex-spouse either to, or
in front of the children. Although it
may be difficult, it is not healthy for
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the children to take on your adult
issues, even if they directly relate to
the child. As a common example: a
parent should not share with a child
whether or not the other parent is
paying child support, how much
child support or when the child
support doesn’t come in, no matter
how tempting it may be. Because
your child is your flesh and blood,
any criticism of your ex-spouse will
also feel like a criticism of the child
and will erode his or her self
295
esteem. This is never healthy and is
certainly not productive.
(3) Treating your child like a buddy
and relating to him or her as a peer
is a common change that occurs
after some divorces. While it may
be tempting to commiserate with
your child since you have both lost
something important in your lives,
your losses are different. Your child
is not a mini-adult!
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Chapter 8: Divorce
(4) Mothers of sons and fathers of
daughters should be particularly
careful that they do not put their
oldest child into the position of
“replacement spouse”, “man of the
house”, “woman of the house”,
etc. Children need to feel like
children and feel the security of
knowing their parent can, and will
take care of all adult responsi-
bilities.
297
(5) Spoiling your child in order to
divert his grief or pain is not a
healthy way of dealing with his pain
or yours. If you are the parent who
has moved away from your child,
you may have an even larger
temptation to fight off since your
time together will be so limited
now. It feels important to make that
time memorable for your child.
Let’s be honest: which child doesn’t
love new toys? However, a child
needs to feel stable and safe more
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Chapter 8: Divorce
than a child needs toys. This can be
obtained through parenting “as
usual”, despite the changing life
around you all. No child wants a
toy to replace a parent.
(6) Transferring your hostile feelings
about the divorce or your ex-
spouse onto your child is un-
healthy, at best. Many children
already feel that the divorce is their
fault when, of course, it never is.
Although your child shares blood
299
and genes with your ex-spouse,
whom you may resent and despise,
the child did not choose for any of
this to happen.
(7) Never discuss parenting time,
custody or child support issues in
front of the children. This means no
discussions during routine transfers
of the children from one home to
the other. It means no cell phone
conversations with your ex-spouse
while your children are sitting in the
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back seat listening in. It means
waiting until they go to bed or are
out of the area before making
phone calls to discuss adult issues.
You probably felt it was important
not to argue in front of your chil-
dren when you were still married
with your ex-spouse. This is just as
important now that you are di-
vorced! Even if you can discuss
issues civilly, children should not be
privy to them. It is far too common
for children to overhear these
301
discussions and feel as if they are
the cause of the issue or they are a
burden to one parent or the other.
Children do not like to feel like a
business transaction!
(8) Alienating a child from the other
parent is an all-too-common, often
subconscious tactic that parents
may use during or after a divorce.
Alienating is a form of brainwashing
where one repeatedly insists, to the
child, that facts and feelings exist
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Chapter 8: Divorce
between the other parent and the
child until the child begins to
agree, whether true or not. When
alienated long enough, children
may resist any bond with the other
parent and that parent may, out of
frustration and hopelessness, sever
ties with the child. This is the worst
no-no any divorcing parent can
commit and it has a name: Parental
Alienation Syndrome.
303
(9) Putting your child in the middle
is one of the most common divorce
no-nos. Asking your child about the
other parent or time spent with the
other parent, or asking your child to
relay questions and information
between parents are all harmful
methods of placing the child in the
middle. Parents should always
communicate all issues privately
between themselves and any ques-
tions or concerns about the other
parent’s home or situation should
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Chapter 8: Divorce
be directed at the parent, not the
child.
(10) Never put your child in the
position of choosing. Most nations
have statutes that require a child to
be almost an adult before being
capable of choosing where they
want to live. Some nations never
allow the child this choice. This is
because a child has natural healthy
loyalty toward both parents. Being
asked to make any choice between
305
parents – whether the choice is who
has custody or whose house the
child wants to spend Christmas at –
puts the child in the awkward
position of shifting their loyalty
away from one parent in favor of
the other. This can leave them
feeling guilty, resentful, angry and
sad.
(11) Don’t make your child’s special
occasion an opportunity to focus
on your marital resentment or
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Chapter 8: Divorce
hostility. Let your child’s birthdays,
holidays, school performances,
dance recitals and sports events all
be opportunities to focus on your
child and how proud you are of
your child. This is not the time to
discuss parenting time issues, child
support issues or to berate each
other or ex-relatives. If you ques-
tion your ability to be polite or civil,
consider taking turns at special
events or limiting your attendance.
Often though, events will be large
307
enough for parents to both attend
at opposite ends of the room,
leaving the child to interact freely
with both sides of the family
without fear of disruption or drama.
(12) Although going through a
divorce can make a parent feel
emotionally needy, this should not
be shared with your child through
action or word. A child who feels a
parent’s neediness too much will
begin feeling guilty or fearful of
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Chapter 8: Divorce
leaving the parent when it is time
to spend time with the other
parent. In some situations, children
can feel so guilty that they no
longer feel good about leaving the
parent at all, even to go to school
or to play at a friend’s house. This is
a huge burden to cast on a child.
However, we must know that there
is no such thing as a good divorce.
The negative impact of divorce on
children is the same whether
309
parents remain amicable or not,
according to a new study.
Researchers asked 270 parents,
who were divorced or separated
between 1998 and 2004 about how
their break-up had affected the
youngest child in their family.
The study found that children of
divorced parents were more likely
than others to have behavioural
problems, mental health difficulties,
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Chapter 8: Divorce
and were at a greater risk of
performing poorly at school.
In addition to this the children’s
problems were not improved
regardless of whether the parents
got on well with each other or
continued to argue after the
divorce, according to the research.
The paper’s abstract said: “Despite
the expectation that children fare
better if their divorced parents
develop a cooperative co-paren-
311
ting relationship, the authors found
that parents’ reports of their
children’s internalising and exter-
nalising behaviours and their social
skills did not significantly differ by
type of post-divorce co-parental
relationships.”
It said the results suggest that the
“direct influence of post-divorce
co-parenting” on children may not
be as “robust” as predicted.
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Researcher Paul Amato, a professor
of family sociology, said that
parents are in the dark over how
their divorce will affect their
children.
He said, “People’s willingness to
accept the good divorce hypo-
thesis is reason for concern if some
parents are lulled into believing
that their children are adequately
protected from all the potential
risks of union disruption”.
313
It becomes abundantly clear that
divorce is not a solution. However,
situations sometimes arise that
cause divorce. What are the Biblical
grounds for divorce? And when can
I remarry?
First of all, the divine standard
for marriage is a lifelong commit-
ment to one's spouse, and nothing
else.
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Chapter 8: Divorce
Even though divorce was permitted
in some cases under the Old Tes-
tament economy, Christ made it
clear that this was not God's ideal.
Note His response when He was
asked this very question:
“He answered and said unto them,
Have ye not read, that He
which made them at the beginning
made them male and female, And
said, For this cause shall a man
leave father and mother, and shall
315
cleave to his wife: and they shall be
one flesh? Wherefore they are no
more twain, but one flesh. What
therefore God hath joined
together, let not man put asunder”
(Matthew 19:4-6).
This seems very comprehensive
and conclusive, yet He immediately
followed up this statement with the
following apparent exception:
“Whosoever shall put away his wife,
except it be for fornication, and
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Chapter 8: Divorce
shall marry another, committeth
adultery: and whoso marrieth her
which is put away doth commit
adultery” (Matthew 19:9; Matthew
5:31, 32).
It does seem from this statement
that the discovery of extramarital
affairs on the part of one' spouse is
here given as possible grounds for
divorce. God does place a high
value on faithfulness, on the part of
both bride and bridegroom, as a
317
basis for a happy and lasting
marriage. Fornication is condem-
ned as a sin in both Old and New
Testaments.
In this day of widespread sexual
license however, this provision
might well become a rather com-
mon ground for divorce, even
among Christians. It does, indeed,
dilute the principle of “one flesh”
used by God to describe a true
marriage.
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Chapter 8: Divorce
“What? Know ye not that he which
is joined to an harlot is one body?
For two, saith He, shall be one
flesh… Flee fornication. Every sin
that a man doeth is without the
body: but he that committeth
fornication sinneth against his own
body” (1 Corinthians 6:16, 18).
This passage, incidentally, suggests
that a woman who submits to
extramarital sex becomes, in God's
sight, a harlot, whether she yields
319
her body for money or some other
reason that she sees as profitable
to herself.
On the other hand, it is noteworthy
that Jesus, evidently on a different
occasion, did not give fornication
as an excuse for divorce.
“Whosoever putteth away his wife,
and marrieth another, committeth
adultery: and whosoever marrieth
her that is put away from her
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Chapter 8: Divorce
husband committeth adultery”
(Luke 16:18).
If there is any doubt, this also
applies to wives.
“And if a woman shall put away her
husband, and be married to
another, she committeth adultery”
(Mark 10:12).
Since the Lord would not contradict
Himself, we should conclude that,
while there may be some situations
321
in which extramarital sex would
create such problems in a marriage
that divorce would be better than
continuing in an unhealthy or even
dangerous relationship, in general
it would be better to forgive earlier
indiscretions (if accompanied by
repentance and present faithful-
ness) rather than to break up what
might otherwise still be a good
marriage.
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In both cases, however, Christ
warned that remarriage after
divorce amounts to adultery, a sin
which is explicitly forbidden by
God's seventh commandment.
Both divorce and remarriage, there-
fore, are extremely serious steps,
and both violate the divine prin-
ciple of permanent union and
faithfulness in marriage.
But this is not the whole story.
323
“The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger, and plenteous
in mercy… For He knoweth our
frame; He remembereth that we
are dust” (Psalm 103:8, 14).
”If we confess our sins, He is
faithful and just to forgive us our
sins” (I John 1:9).
This promise is specifically for
Christians, and includes even the
sin of adultery, if there is genuine
repentance. The Lord made this
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Chapter 8: Divorce
very clear in His dealing with the
woman who “was taken in adultery,
in the very act” (John 8:4). He
reminded her accusers that they
also were sinners and had no
warrant to punish her. Then He told
the woman: “Neither do I
condemn thee: go, and sin no
more” (John 8:11).
He in no way condoned her sin, but
He did forgive her sin, when she
gave evidence of godly sorrow and
325
determination not to sin again in
this way. Under such conditions,
His followers would do well to
follow His example. At least in this
particular context, He put no
further conditions on her freedom,
either to return to her husband if he
would have her, or to marry an-
other if she were already divorced.
There is one other important bib-
lical factor to consider in divorce-
and-remarriage situations.
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Chapter 8: Divorce
A Christian should never marry a
non-Christian, as this almost inevit-
ably leads to serious friction in the
home later on, unless the unsaved
partner can, by God's grace, be
won to Christ.
“Be ye not unequally yoked toget-
her with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians
6:14).
Nevertheless, many Christians insist
on doing this very thing, and end
up being very unhappy. Also, a
327
person may become a believer
after marriage, with the partner still
unsaved. In either case, there is an
unequal yoke, and the Christian
husband or wife may come to
desire release from this yoke. The
Apostle Paul commands in this
case:
“…If any brother hath a wife that
believeth not, and she be pleased
to dwell with him, let him not put
her away. And the woman which
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Chapter 8: Divorce
hath an husband that believeth not,
and if he be pleased to dwell with
her, let her not leave him” (1
Corinthians 7:12-13).
The next verse indicates this is
especially important for the sake of
the children, who are often the
ones who are hurt most by a
divorce.
But suppose the unsaved spouse is
the one who insists on a divorce.
329
“If the unbelieving depart, let him
depart. A brother or sister is not
under bondage in such cases: but
God hath called us to peace” (1
Corinthians 7:15).
This obviously means that the
Christian husband or wife is then at
liberty to remarry. In fact, if there
are children involved, and if a
caring Christian spouse can be
found, it would be good to re-
marry, for children need the love
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Chapter 8: Divorce
and guidance of both a father and
mother, provided, of course, that
the stepmother or stepfather is “in
the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39) and
desires to assume such a respon-
sibility.
By extension, these principles
could be applied to other situations
that the Scriptures do not cover
explicitly. As noted above, God is
able and willing to forgive all sins,
including even the sin of getting a
331
divorce for trivial reasons. He has
called us to peace, not legal
bondage, and He can make a good
marriage and a happy home no
matter what the previous history of
the people involved may have
been, provided that true repen-
tance, proper restitution, and
genuine saving faith and sincere
desire to serve the Lord now exist
in their lives.
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Chapter 8: Divorce
Prayer:
Father thank you that You have the
perfect blueprint for marriage. You
know my heart and my life. Help
me to live my life in accordance
with Your heart and Word. In Jesus’
name I pray. Amen.
333
Chapter 9
Time To Live Out His
Plan For Your Life
Yes, God has a plan for your life.
That wonderful plan that God has
already designed for your life and
mine, contains the very best of
purpose, adventure, fulfilment, joy,
and new lessons. But you and I
need to decide that we want His
plan for our lives. God will not force
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Chapter 9: Time To Live Out His Plan For Your Life
Himself into our lives. We must
choose His heart and His ways. The
easiest way to know His heart and
His ways is to know His Word. His
Word is a light unto our path and a
guide for our hearts. He has made
it easy for us to follow if we are
willing and obedient.
The Bible makes it clear that God
definitely does have a plan for each
of us, and His design always gives
us hope for our future (Jeremiah
335
29:11). Even though we know this,
we sometimes struggle to put it all
together. We can even become
frustrated as we try to apply God’s
promises to our own lives and to
clearly identify the specific blue-
print God has for us. Sometimes,
other Christians can make it all the
more confusing by implying that
everyone else should have the
same plan or calling that they expe-
rienced.
336
Some aspects of God’s plan do
apply equally to everyone. For ex-
ample, God desires that all people
accept Christ as their Saviour (Mat-
thew 18:14). He wants us to wor-
ship Him and surrender our lives to
Him (Romans 12:1-2). God’s plan is
for all believers to help other peo-
ple by using the gifts and abilities
He gives (1 Peter 4:10).
As we focus on discerning God’s
special direction for our lives, we
337
should never forget the importance
of first walking in obedience to
God’s overall plan for all believers!
Inside the broader scope of God’s
general plan, we then look more
closely to find what we might call
God’s “specific purpose” for our
lives. The Bible is full of examples
where God gives definite direction
to individuals. From Joseph’s
dreams and Moses’ burning bush
experience in the Old Testament to
338
Jesus’ instructions for His disciples
and Holy Spirit’s rerouting of Paul’s
missionary journey in the New Tes-
tament, the Bible is explicit that
God is able to provide clear direc-
tion to those who seek Him.
God's plan for us is easy and
should be clear. The more we walk
with Him the clearer the plan will
become. No matter where we are
in life right now, God wants us to
have an abundant life (John 14:6).
339
This abundant life is within your
reach, and now is the time to grab
hold of it and make it your own.
Here are some simple ways of get-
ting to know Him and His plan for
your life:
• Make time to read the Word dai-
ly. Start small but be consistent.
• Make time for prayer. As regular-
ly and as often as you can, pray
in tongues and in your under-
standing, this will fuel your faith.
340
• Get connected; make sure you
go to church weekly and are part
of a Life Group (Cell Group).
• Live a clean life. Be ready to be
obedient to Holy Spirit.
I pray that as you have read this
book that some new insights would
have come to your heart and mind.
May you be blessed in your pursuit
of God.
341
Prayer:
Father, thank you that You have a
plan for my life. Please reveal this
plan to me. Thank you that I know
that You are in perfect control and
that all things are possible! I take
hold of my destiny in this day. In
Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
342
About The Author
Pastor Gebhardt Berndt has been a
member of Hatfield Christian
Church since birth. After complet-
ing his National Senior Certificate
he studied Law at the University of
Pretoria and University of South Af-
rica. Thereafter, he completed a
four-year Bachelor of Arts Degree
in Bible and Theology at the Global
University, USA, graduating Cum
Laude. At present he is enrolled for
343
a Master of Arts Degree in Organi-
zational Leadership (MOL) at Re-
gent University, USA.
As pastor, Gebhardt has been serv-
ing Hatfield Christian Church North
dynamically and fervently: a church
with a congregation of more than
3000 believers. He served in the
following capacities from 2003-
2013: Head of Young People De-
partment, Head of Training De-
344
partment, and Area Shepherding
Pastor.
In 2014, Gebhardt was appointed
as the Executive Pastor of Hatfield
Christian Church North and is in an
active process of succession.
Another passionate and dedicated
mission is serving The Christian
Network (TCN) as Chief Operation-
al Officer of CLAY (Change Life
Around You) and Synergy National
345
Leader (T.C.N. Young People Net-
work).
Pastor Gebhardt has ministered lo-
cally, nationally and internationally
on diverse topics. Some of his fa-
vourites will always prevail: the
Prophetic and Holy Spirit. Further-
more, he has a profound passion
for the Word of God and is inter-
ested in the Greek translation of
the Biblical text. His heart lies in
observing God’s Word being
346
taught to the Church in its entirety
and for all Christians to live a life of
victory in Christ.
Pastor Gebhardt has written the fol-
lowing books: “Beyond Satan’s
Reach”, “Plugged In – A Life with
God’s Spirit”, “His Voice – Re-
vealed from Heaven”, “There must
be more – A Life Full of God’s
Promises”, “Stick Like Glue Mar-
riage: God’s Design”, “Into the
King’s Chamber: A 28-day journey
347
to change”, “Where have all the
good men gone?”, “Victory in the
Storms of Life”, “Favoured for Life:
A 21-day Journey to Grace”, and
“Under Construction: Creating a
Sure Foundation”.
He has been married to his
cherished wife Shannon since 2005
and they are blessed with two
precious daughters, Yasmin and
Mickaele.
348
For more information on other re-
sources by the author, contact:
Hatfield Christian Church North
P.O. Box 54595
Ninapark, 0156
(+27) 12 542 9000
349

Healthy Families Gods Way - Ps Gebhardt Berndt

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Healthy Families: God’s Way

Published by Hatfield Christian Church North

Corner Willem Cruywagen Rd and Lizard Street,

Theresapark, Pretoria 0182

This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in

any form, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in

any form by any means – electronic, mechanical, pho-

tocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written

permission of the publisher, except as provided by

South African copyright law.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®

unless otherwise stated. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas

Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2015 by Gebhardt Berndt

All rights reserved

Printed in Pretoria, South Africa

given me a secure home, filled with love and ac-

ceptance. You have taught me about family. And

to my precious wife, Shannon, who is faithfully

building on this foundation with me.

A special thanks to:

Colleen Mitchell, Tshiamo Choane, Cherise Singh

and Charmaine Erasmus for their assistance with

the editing and proofreading of this book.

Melanie Stander for her creativity and effort in

designing the book cover.

God Has The Blueprint

Chapter 4… .......................................... 102

What About The Mom?

Chapter 5… .......................................... 152

What Does God Say About Children?

Things To Leave Out Of The Marriage

Chapter 7… .......................................... 226

Further Enemies Of Marriage

Chapter 8… .......................................... 288

Chapter 9… .......................................... 334

Time To Live Out His Plan For Your Life

About The Author ................................ 343

Healthy families are God's way of

creating a healthy society. Yet the

family unit has been under the

greatest onslaught. Satan knows

and understands that if he can dis-

mantle the family unit, he has struck

a mighty blow to the heart of peo-

After you have read this book you

will be able to recognise his ways

cast him out. You will also be em-

powered in your situation to be the

best parent you can be. God is for

you and His grace is sufficient for

all circumstances. No matter what

your situation, background or cur-

rent scenarios may be, there is terri-

tory to be reclaimed. So let's jour-

ney together and reclaim what is

ours - Healthy Families: God’s Way!

God has the blueprint for our fami-

lies. His Word and His ways are our

guide. God has every intention in

seeing your family healthy, produc-

tive and effective. His heart is to

see you whole and cheerful. Still,