As I paced around the claustrophobic corridors of the hospital where my grandmother was

confined, my ears were treated to the grief resonating from the seemingly innocent wards
drenched in white. Ever-etched in my mind are the haunting sounds of families mourning the
passing of their relatives — those who sought salvation in the Philippines' healthcare system,
only to be failed by the ineptitude and malignance embedded within.
Later, after having been an aloof audience member to the plights of the bereaved (not the
time for you to show your ignorance. Do it another time, wag na dito.), little did I know that I
would become yet another actor on the stage of life's tragedy. My grandmother would
ultimately be failed by that same system, leaving me without the person whom I had
considered the wind-beneath-my-wings. I consequently began living under a wanton reality
of inundating independence and accursed self-reliance, armed only with a newfound promise
(desire is tastier word) to halt that same reality from befalling others.
For much of the school year that followed, I found an ironic solace (why is it ironic? That is
the #1 place for solace) in the uncomfortable pews of our school chapel. It became routine to
arrive there early in the morning for the purpose of solemn contemplation. Fond memories of
our matriarch’s grandmotherly care were prevalent during my reflections, along with the
faculties of ambition, perseverance, and compassion — values that she galvanized into my
impressionable mind in her living.
Thereafter, I realized that she made these principles especially pronounced in her work.
During her teaching career, she rose through the ranks of her profession and implemented
changes that benefitted her community. From there, she not only became principal for a
number of schools within the district, but also momentarily (remove momentarily, matagal
syang nagserve, highlight that. You can even cut out all the “principal” part and just go
straight to the supervisor part because that’s a higher position. If you want to highlight a
person’s career, go straight to her peak, and then work from there.) served as its supervisor,
placing her in a position of privilege that allowed her to work towards the improvement of the
system that she operated in. In retrospect, while she was compensated comfortably, she
worked first-and-foremost for the good of the people around her.
Knowing this, the persistent spirit of Susana’s drive to pursue and propagate compassionate
progress began to live vicariously through me.
While I was still coping with her passing in the tenth grade, I began to involve myself deeper
within my school. I educated myself on the nature of my niche and studied how I can go
about trying to improve the lives of my peers, even if it is only in a microcosm of my
intended audience.
I began to pursue responsibilities that I was not particularly accustomed to. I ran for and was
elected president for two of my primary involvements (be specific, what are these
involvements?) so that I could influence the flow of implemented policies within these
circles, along with those of my minor involvements. (what the hell are all these involvements,
and why can’t you tell it to the reader? Are you a member of the NPA?)
Two years later, I would again do similarly (again na similar pa, rephrase) and accept the
appointment as the head of Sandigan Matanglawin, our student council’s committee on
environmental sustainability. Tasked with virtualizing our positions on the protection of our
shared habitat, I ambitioned to go beyond my already unusual assignments (what again are
these assignments? If you can’t detail it further, might as well not include it in the essay. It
makes the though incomplete.) so that our organization’s principles could permeate further
into the social conscious — all while remaining steadfast in upholding the threefold mantra
left behind by the woman (my grandmother) who constantly inspired me.
Moving forward, I remain consistent with the vow that I made on the day of my lola’s
passing. If she passed from systemic inability, perhaps, through a quality college education, I
may be able (be sure with yourself. There is no “may.” There is “will.”) to become educated
enough to propagate the changes that that system needs. If I internalize my dreams and
persistently grow to meet my ambitions, perhaps, by my doing, another grandchild would one
day be able to see the smile of his beloved grandmother.
I long for that.
Now, all I can do is pace around the claustrophobic corridors of life and pursue the greatest
opportunities that are available to me. By this, I hope to once again be graced during the
twilights of my life with the smile of my lola, jubilantly greeting the person that found
inspiration not only in her life, but also in her death (you are talking “third person” here, but
the reader will be caught by surprise by this, because you only used it in the end.)

(#1 overall tone: shorten the details about lola, and add more details about you. Remember
that this essay is about you, and what drives you, and not about her. RIP.)

(#2 overall tone: do not sacrifice getting your point across by making highfalutin words.
Substance over style. Style is the icing on the cake, but the reader must have his cake too.
Your words must be easy to digest, yet creative at the same time.)