DECODING

EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGEN “In a very real sense
we have two minds
CE one that thinks and
one that feels”
- DANIEL GOLEMAN

COMPILED BY
SWATI GAUR AGARWAL
Topic: Emotional
Intelligence
What is this book all about?

This book sheds light on scientific insights into human emotions and how they work in the most
perplexing moments in our lives and in the world around us. It is divided into 5 major parts as
explained below.

Part 1 talks about new discoveries about the brain’s emotional architecture that offer an explanation
of those most baffling moments in our lives when feeling overwhelms all rationality and how
understanding the interplay of brain structures that rule moments of rage/fear or passion/joy can
help to subdue destructive and self-defeating emotional impulses.

Part 2 takes the reader in seeing how neurological givens play out in the basic flair for living called
emotional intelligence.

Part 3 examines how having emotional intelligence can preserve most prized relationships and lack
of it corrode them.

Part 4 shows, the emotional lessons we learn as children at home and at school shape the emotional
circuits, making us more adept or inept at the basics of emotional intelligence.

Part 5 explores what all difficulties and failures await those who are unable to master the emotional
aspect and how deficiencies of it increases the risks of depression or life of violence to eating
disorder and drug abuse.

Information
Part 1 – The Emotional Brain
What are emotions for?
Deepest feelings, Passions and longings are essential guides, and that power is extraordinary. Our
emotions guide us in facing predicaments and tasks that are too important to leave to intellect alone.
Each emotion offers a distinctive readiness to act and shapes our decision and Despite the social
constraints, passion overwhelm reason time and again.
Emotions are powerful and each emotion prepares the body for a very different kind of response like
Anger makes blood flows to the hand making it easier to strike at someone whereas with fear, blood
goes to the large skeletal muscles such as in the legs making it easier to flee.
 these biological propensities to act are sharped further by life experiences and Culture.

In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels.

Anatomy of an emotional hijacking.

Neural hijacking are those moments where a center in the limbic brain proclaims an emergency,
recruiting the rest of brain to its urgent agenda.
In a sense we have two brains, two minds and two kind of intelligence: rational and emotional. How
we do in life is determined by both – it is not just IQ, but emotional intelligence that matters.

Part 2 – The Nature of Emotional Intelligence

When smart is dumb
Here the author talks about how someone of high intelligence could do something irrational and
dumb and how intelligence has little to do with emotional life. Academic intelligence offers virtually
no preparation for turmoil or opportunities that uncertainty of life brings. Psychologist Salovey has
expanded basic definition of intelligence into five main domains.
- Knowing one’s emotions.
- Managing emotions
- Motivating oneself
- Recognizing emotions in others
- Handling relationships

Know Thyself
Here author talks about the importance of Self-observation and Self-awareness in this chapter. Self-
awareness is all about being aware of both our mood and our thoughts about that mood.
Psychologist John Mayer finds that people tend to fall into distinctive styles (Self-aware, Engulfed
and Accepting) for attending to and dealing with their emotions.

Passion’s slaves
Anatomy of Rage along with various ways on ‘Cooling Down’, ‘Ventilation’ and ‘Soothing anxiety’ is
explained in detail. ‘Managing Melancholy’ with ‘Mood lifters’ is something that would resonate with
almost everybody.

The Master Aptitude

The extent to which emotional upsets can interfere with mental life and how positive motivation,
marshalling of feelings of enthusiasm, zeal and confidence covert into achievements.

The Roots of Empathy

This chapter talks all about the ability to know how another feels and how it comes into play in a vast
array of life arenas, from sales and management to romance and parenting, to compassion and
political action. Lack of empathy is also a telling as its seen in criminal psychopaths, rapists and child
molesters.

The Social Arts

Social competencies that are essential in dealings with others and how deficits here lead to ineptness
in the social world is explained impressively in this chapter. This talks about how social abilities allow
 one to shape an encounter, to mobilize and inspire others, to thrive in intimate relationships, to
persuade and influence, to put others at ease.

Part 3 – Emotional intelligence Applied.

Intimate Enemies
Contrasts in schooling in emotions foster very different skills in men and women. Women come into a
marriage groomed for the role of emotional manager while men arrive with much less appreciation of the
importance of this task. Harsh criticism is early warning signal that marriage is in danger and all the more so
when criticism comes laden with contempt. This chapter also talks about toxic thoughts which are so
powerful that they can trip the neural alarm systems.

Managing with Hearts

This chapter talks about consequences of lacking in sensitivity about what other are felling and benefits of
being skilled in the basic emotional competencies., being attuned to the feelings of those we deal with, being
able to handle disagreements so they do not escalate. This also covers what is feedback and how it should be
exchanged and how if that is not done correctly can demotivate someone.

Mind and Medicines

This chapter beautifully talks about price of pessimism and advantages of optimism and various medical
benefits of positive feelings and great relationships.

Part 4 – Windows Of Opportunity

The Family Crucible
This chapter is all about how parents treat their children – whether with harsh discipline or empathetic
understanding with indifference or warmth has deep and lasting consequence for child’s emotional life. It
also talks about inept parenting styles (Ignoring feeling altogether, being too laissez – faire or being
contemptuous. It talks about basic elements of emotional intelligence (Confidence, Curiosity, Intentionality,
Self-Control, Relatedness, Capacity to communicate and Cooperativeness)

Trauma and Emotional Relearning

Trauma has lasting impacts on brain and how therapy is needed to make emotional reaction to triggering
events less distressing is covered in this chapters.
Temperament is Not Destiny.
It talks about different temperamental types (timid, bold, upbeat and melancholy) and that each is due to a
different pattern of brain activity.

Part 5 – Emotional Literacy

The cost of emotional illiteracy
From depression and drug abuse to Aggression and eating disorders, the cost of emotional illiteracy is huge
and that is what is explained in this chapter.

Schooling the emotions

“The main hope of a nation lies in the proper education of its youth.”
This talks about how schooling about emotional self-awareness, reading and managing emotions and then
harnessing them productively at the right age can help children better fulfill their roles in life, becoming
better friends, students, children and in future are more likely to be better husbands/wives, workers and
bosses, parents and citizens.

Takeaways

My takeaways from this book are several and are listed below.
- IQ and EQ goes hand in hand when we talk about successful and happy people.
- It is high time that this concept is taken as seriously as food in our day to day lives.
- Different activities in our brain's different parts affect our emotions by releasing hormones and
which in the end affect our actions.
- EI can be developed and improved at any stage of life with practice.
- Positive feelings are the medicines of mind.
- Having emotional intelligence can make one thrive in all areas of life.

How does it resonate with my life experiences?

I resonated with this book at so many different levels but the biggest is the realization that whenever I had
applied emotional intelligence to people or situations, the results have been very positive and encouraging.
And the times when I failed to apply it, results were sad and demotivating.

How and where would you apply your learnings moving ahead?

I would apply all these learning in my day to day personal and professional life and while taking all decisions.
Not only will I invest in self observance but also in observing people around me. I will put myself in shoes of
others to understand them better which will in turn improve my decision-making skills.