The Kid Thing

By Sarah Gubbins

Val Day
ICM
730 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10019
212.556.5740 (Tel)
vday@icmtalent.com

myra model management

1114 south hayworth avenue
los angeles, ca 90035
mm@myramodelmanagement.com
310.490.4489
Cast:

Darcy
mid 30s. Lesbian. On the butchier side. Leads with her intellect. Leigh's girlfriend.

Leigh
mid 30s. Lesbian. Soft and feminine. Super sweet. Darcy's girlfriend.

Nate
mid 30s. Lesbian. Often gets mistaken for a skater boy. Margot's girlfriend.

Margot
mid 30s. Lesbian. Probably the smartest one in the room but never lets on. Nate's
girlfriend.

Jacob
mid 30s. Verging on hipster. Ernest. The sperm donor.

Setting:

Leigh and Darcy’s Chicago apartment.

Early November 2009.
 The Kid Thing 2.

1 SCENE: 1

A dinner party in full swing. LEIGH picks up the empty plates. NATE helps.
DARCY is oblivious and MARGOT makes a half hearted attempt to be useful.

Also, everyone has been drinking a significant amount of alcohol, everyone that
is, except MARGOT.

DARCY
Oh, come on! The whole thing was so massively hypocritical.

MARGOT
People are not allowed to mourn?/ How was that hypocritical?

LEIGH
/We done with the couscous?

DARCY
I felt like puking.

NATE
It was so good. I ate like four helpings.

MARGOT
It was an out-pouring of grief and you’re taking it personally?

NATE
(handing LEIGH a platter)
I feel like people have ditched couscous, like it’s gone out all of a sudden. You know?
And that’s totally stupid, ‘cause how good is it? Right?

LEIGH
You’re taking the rest home.

DARCY
You’re telling me MILLIONS OF PEOPLE are feeling the loss? / On a personal level?
Really? --

LEIGH
/Should I open another bottle?
 The Kid Thing 3.

NATE
More alcohol. Absolutely.

MARGOT
It’s called celebrity. It’s called being a popular ICON.

DARCY
Exactly, celebrity--the whole concept--is nauseating. Celebrity from the Latin root: to
celebrate.

LEIGH
(to DARCY)
You don’t know Latin!
(to the room)
She doesn’t know Latin.

DARCY
What are we celebrating? Some girl/boy freakshow? Who bleached his skin, had
mascara tattooed on his eyelids-- who traipsed around with his fag hag Liz Taylor.

MARGOT
You sound like my father.

NATE
Your father doesn’t know what a ‘fag hag’ is.

LEIGH
Or should we be moving to whiskey?

DARCY
I’m always moving to whiskey.

LEIGH
(warning)
I know you are hon.

MARGOT
How could you possibly be surprised by such a reaction?

DARCY
I not surprised. I’m upset. It fills me with upset. And bile. And makes me want to
vomit.

LEIGH
Okay, okay--
 The Kid Thing 4.

DARCY
It makes me want to SPEW my guts out.

MARGOT
That’s lovely darling.

NATE
I agree with Darcy. It’s depressing as hell.

MARGOT
We’re not talking about the Gulag.

DARCY
I didn’t say it was depressing -- I said it was sickening.

NATE
Same thing.

DARCY
Except that being depressed by something is a passive response. Being DISGUSTED
by something is a much more--

LEIGH
(to Darcy)
Must you get all linguistically territorial?

MARGOT
What’s disgusting to you? Grief? Is that what you find repulsive? Or is it you can’t
quite comprehend how some closeted trannie could garner the sympathy of millions?

LEIGH
(to MARGOT)
Don’t bait her, we’re trying to wind down for dessert.

NATE
Too late for that.

DARCY
Closeted trannie? Oh, so now I’m a trannie hater.

MARGOT
I didn’t say that but but you’re the one using freakshow and girl/boy interchangeably.
 The Kid Thing 5.

DARCY
You’re going to sit there and look at me?
(she gets up and does a twirl, showing off her own
girl/boyness)
Look at this and accuse me of being a trannie hater?

LEIGH
Darce you don’t look like a trannie.

NATE
No she just looks like a dude.

DARCY
Oh, fuck off Nate.

NATE
What? You don’t look like a dude?

LEIGH
She looks hot. That’s how she looks.
(LEIGH gives DARCY a kiss. DARCY tries not to
brush it off. MARGOT looks away.)

NATE
Yeah, like a hot dude.

MARGOT
Ease up Nate.

NATE
What? It’s a compliment?

MARGOT
It’s a school night for these guys.

LEIGH
Oh, no! We have gelato! You can’t go. Tell them Darce.

DARCY
You can’t go. Apparently there’s gelato.

LEIGH has jumped up and is fetching gelato bowls and spoons.

MARGOT
Let’s help you with this mess.
 The Kid Thing 6.

LEIGH
It’s from that Neapolitan Bakery. Or is it Sicilian. They’re from Italy. It’s amazing.
Have you guys been there?

MARGOT
Oh, Venice in the fall is incredible.

LEIGH
I meant the Italian place. It’s right around the corner from you guys.

DARCY
Can we go back to Michael Jackson for a sec.

LEIGH
No! We’re on gelato.

LEIGH leaves to get the gelato.

MARGOT
We’ve moved on to earthly delights--keep up.

LEIGH leaves to get gelato.

DARCY
I want to state, for the record, I considered him a BRILLIANT performer and
musician.

MARGOT
‘Man in the Mirror’? Brilliant?

NATE
I feel awful saying it. Thriller -- the whole vampire thing. It was weird.

DARCY
They were zombies.

NATE
Zombies, vampires. Same difference.

DARCY
Listen up Natey. Thriller defined pop to a generation. Our generation. Post-Beatles.
Post-Punk. We needed an anthem and Michael Jackson was it. Maybe he wasn’t it for
you personally, but for the rest of us --
 The Kid Thing 7.

MARGOT
So this is about protecting your nostalgia.

DARCY
No, this has nothing to do with me. I find the PERFORMANCE of GRIEF
disturbing.

MARGOT
Michael Jackson was some childhood icon you held onto and ultimately felt betrayed
by. You’re mad at him -- disappointed really--for turning out the way he did -- into
what were your words “somesort of freakshow.”

LEIGH returns from the kitchen stacks five different pints of gelato in her arms.

LEIGH
(pulling the pints out of the freezer)
Hazelnut. Pistachio./ Mango. My favorite.

NATE
(rushing to her aid)
/Leigh let me take those.

DARCY
I’m sorry, did you just say I was mad at Michael Jackson?

LEIGH
Are we still on this?

MARGOT
And disappointed. Which is why you resent the MILLIONS of fans that can get in
touch with their grief in ways you can’t.

NATE
You missed my zombie schooling. It was awesome.

DARCY
I’m jealous of them?

MARGOT
I said you resent them.

DARCY
Which is code for-- I’m jealous.
 The Kid Thing 8.

MARGOT
Envious, to be accurate.

LEIGH
Oh, Jesus. Darcy, doesn’t get jealous.

MARGOT
Everyone gets jealous.

LEIGH
Not Darcy.

NATE
(to MARGOT)
Or you.

MARGOT
Of course I do. Everyone gets jealous.

NATE
(still on MARGOT)
When have you been jealous?

MARGOT
Lotsa times.

NATE
Like when?

MARGOT
(to DARCY)
Too many times to count--
(to NATE)
you’re the one that doesn’t get jealous.

DARCY
Why should she? The only thing that turns you on is defending the insipid masses.

MARGOT
You made your point and I don’t agree with you.

DARCY
But you’re wrong! You are so wrong!
 The Kid Thing 9.

MARGOT
That’s your opinion.

DARCY
There was not an ounce of authentic emotion in that whole media circus. The people
whose hearts were just BLEEDING for his kids, were the same folks who a week
prior thought it should be ILLEGAL for such a social deviant to even have kids.

LEIGH
Okay. Time-out. I also have sambucca.

NATE
Is that the one that tastes like licorice?

DARCY
These hypocritical bigots were standing in line for two hours in the cold last week to
get front row seats for This Is It. Hoping there would be footage of dear, dear Prince
Michael the Twenty-seveth and the other one, Throw Pillow or whatever the fuck his
name is--

NATE
Throw pillow?

LEIGH
Don’t make fun of the kids, they have nothing to dowith the whole thing.

DARCY
Except that they are total collateral damage.

MARGOT
Whoa! Just because you don’t believe he should be permitted to have kids. Doesn’t
make them collateral damage.

DARCY
You think pedophiles make good parents?

MARGOT
I think that celebrity trannies should be able to raise kids just like the rest of us queers.

LEIGH
Well said. I agree.

NATE
That reminds me. We brought something special for you guys.
 The Kid Thing 10.

NATE heads to the kitchen.

DARCY
I’m talking about the subset: celebrity pedophile trannies.

MARGOT
Nate we don’t have to open it, we can leave it for them.

NATE
We’re going to have a toast.
(to LEIGH)
Do you have something to put champagne in?

LEIGH
Oh! Perfect! We have these crystal flutes from Darce’s great-aunt. We need to
christen them!

DARCY
Or we could just use the wine glasses.

LEIGH
Finally an occasion. We’ve been waiting for an occasion.

LEIGH and NATE go get the glasses.

DARCY and MARGOT can barely look at each other.

DARCY
What?

MARGOT
Nothing.

DARCY
You think I’m over-reacting?

MARGOT
No. You’ve made a very compelling argument.

DARCY
Okay.

DARCY doesn’t know where to go from here. She escapes to play a record.
 The Kid Thing 11.

DARCY
I’m glad we can agree on that.

NATE and LEIGH re-enter.

MARGOT
(to NATE )
Let me get the cork babe.

NATE
Nope, I got it.

MARGOT
Wrap a towel around--

NATE
Listen, I got it.

LEIGH
What are we toasting?

MARGOT
We’ll just have a quick drink and then we really should get out of your hair. You all
have early mornings.

LEIGH
No, no, no. We haven’t seen you guys in forever.

NATE works on the champagne cork.

NATE
On three, get ready to duck. One-two-

LEIGH
You need to pour it the second it pops. Come over to the glasses.

DARCY
I’m still having whiskey. Any double fisters?

DARCY pours the whiskey and automatically hands one to NATE.

DARCY
Anyone else?
 The Kid Thing 12.

Glasses are in place. NATE makes a show of popping cork.

NATE
One-two-

POP.

LEIGH
Oh shit! We have raspberries!

DARCY
For what?

LEIGH
You act so midwestern some times. Berries. Champagne.

DARCY
Leigh likes to fetisize my Peoria roots donchta know.

DARCY pours MARGOT a whiskey.

MARGOT
I’ll stick with my water.

DARCY
You can’t make a toast with water.

LEIGH
For the love, Darcy, leave her be.

DARCY
The Chinese think it’s bad luck to make a toast with water, that’s all I’m saying.

MARGOT
Then it’s a good thing we’re not in China.

DARCY
Go ahead. Tempt fate. But when you wind up with leprosy or irritable bowl
syndrome or some sort of demonic and deformed off-spring, don’t say I didn’t warn
you.

MARGOT pours a few drops of whiskey into her water.

 The Kid Thing 13.

MARGOT
Such a persuasive argument.

DARCY raises her glass.

DARCY
To Jacko. / May he rest in peace.

LEIGH
/ Ignore her Nate go on.

NATE
Alright-- here goes --

NATE raises her glass.

NATE
To our good, good friends. We’ve been through so much with you guys. And you’re
like family. No actually you are family. And I know that, well, a lot of gays are all
‘we choose our own family’ and that’s totally cheese-tastic. But it’s really true with
you guys. . . so we just wanted you guys to know first. Oh, shit. I’m . . . it’s. . .

NATE gets choked up. MARGOT takes her hand. DARCY finds this too
embarrassing.

LEIGH
Oh my god. Are you guys!!??

NATE beams and looks to MARGOT who has an inscrutable smile plastered
across her face.

MARGOT nods.

LEIGH screams.

DARCY
C’mon, what the hell?

NATE
We’re pregnant!

DARCY
What?

NATE
Well, technically Margot’s pregnant--
 The Kid Thing 14.

LEIGH
A BABY!!! OH MY GOD!!

NATE
Drink. Drink. Drink.

MARGOT
Poor Nate’s been bursting at the seams with the news.

NATE
But I was determined to do the proper champagne toast and all. Do it right. Like major
news.

LEIGH
Oh my god, oh my god. You have to tell us everything. I can’t believe you waited
ALL NIGHT to mention this? You’re going to have a baby!??!!

LEIGH takes MARGOT’s face in her hands.

LEIGH
You’re going to have a baby! Can you even believe it!! A baby. You guys!!

NATE
It’s totally fucked up.

MARGOT
In a good way.

NATE
Yeah, yeah, seriously. Parents. Us. I mean. Shit right? Anyway we had to tell you.
You guys are the first people we’ve told.

MARGOT
Well, your mom.

NATE
Right, right, my mom.

LEIGH
What did she say? Did she just start crying? Did she just go absolutely ape-shit? A
baby!! Oh, a little tiny baby. You guys!!

MARGOT
It was sweet. She was excited.
 The Kid Thing 15.

NATE
Yeah. Totally. Very excited.

MARGOT
It’s a little theoretical still. But she seemed happy.

LEIGH
Did you tell your parents?

MARGOT
Mine? Uh, no. We’re going to later. A little later. Maybe over the holidays. I don’t
want to do it over the phone.

LEIGH
Jesus this is AMAZING. Isn’t it totally amazing?

DARCY
Super. How super.

NATE
We’re pretty excited.

LEIGH
How far? How many weeks or trimesters or whatever.

MARGOT
(firmly pleasant)
Eight weeks.

DARCY
Eight weeks?

LEIGH
Eight whole weeks. We’re you sick? Did you throw-up and all that?

NATE
You were a total bad-ass.

MARGOT
It wasn’t too bad.

NATE
I couldn’t believe it. She’d be walking up and down the aisles of Trader Joe’s and then
slip away, puke her guts out and meet me in the frozen food. It was insane.
 The Kid Thing 16.

MARGOT
It wasn’t bad. Most women have it much worse.

NATE
She didn’t miss a day of class. All semester.

MARGOT
Yeah, ‘cause it wasn’t that bad.

NATE
Still, I mean c’mon, total rockstar. Right? Not to mention all the shit before--the whole
IUI routine: hormone shots--

MARGOT
Nate, they don’t need a play by play.

LEIGH
Oh, god those shots. That’s freakin’ brave. Darce would pass out if she had to stick a
needle in my ass. Wouldn’t you?

DARCY
Well now I’d just call Nate for a hand.

MARGOT
Yeah, well, we really wanted you guys to know.

DARCY
Yeah. . .

NATE
We almost told you on the phone when you had to cancel last weekend--

LEIGH
Oh, that was so my fault, I didn’t check with Darce, our schedules have been insane.

DARCY
Just sorta out of sync.

NATE
I’m just glad we got together tonight.

DARCY
Yeah. Me too.
 The Kid Thing 17.

MARGOT
(to DARCY)
You a little shell-shocked, over there?

DARCY
No, no, no. It’s great. Really, really, great.

MARGOT
People breed all the time.

NATE
(to DARCY)
I know man, it’s crazy isn’t it?

DARCY
I’m just surprised. Surprises are hard to -- process. I’m just really, really surprised.
That’s all. It’s awesome. Your news. Wow. Wow. Pregnant. That takes alot of ...
effort. Alot of effort. To get pregnant. It not like you guys can just amp up the sex.
You know. You need extra materials. Wow. I mean, I didn’t know you guys were
thinking. . . I didn’t know. So it’s like, major out of the blue. Processing. But, hey,
awesome. Just terrific.

LEIGH
You guys are going to make great parents. Such cool parents. I’m going to be an
aunt!

NATE hugs LEIGH.

NATE
Aunt Leigh!

DARCY looks at MARGOT. They should be hugging, but they aren’t.

LEIGH
You’re going to be a mom. I’m so proud of you guys!

LEIGH hugs MARGOT.

DARCY gives NATE an awkward hug.

DARCY
Yeah, super congratulations, man.
 The Kid Thing 18.

NATE
Thanks, thanks alot. Means alot from you Darcy.

Another awkward pause.

MARGOT
We should head out. It’s late.

NATE
She gets tired alot earlier now.

MARGOT
Don’t pin this on the pregnant chick, it’s late for everyone.

LEIGH
What about names? Do you guys have a name? I mean if it’s a boy or a girl?

NATE
Well...there’s a couple--

MARGOT
We’re not too sure of any--

NATE
Yeah, we’re still --

LEIGH
Just pick something you like, you’re going to be saying it for the rest of your life.

NATE
Margot keeps referring to it as ‘The Fetus.’

MARGOT
I’m being accurate.

NATE
I’m sorta hoping for a boy. ‘Cause god, our house is going to be estrogen overload.

LEIGH
(to MARGOT)
Oh, you could handle a little girl.

MARGOT
I’m still getting used to the whole idea. Girl, boy, doesn’t matter.
 The Kid Thing 19.

LEIGH
You could go with one of those gender neutral names, like, Madison or Casey.

DARCY
Why the fuck do people do people name their kids after cities?

MARGOT
I think we’ll need to meet the kid before we name it.

DARCY
Then you’ll end up calling it Clark or LeRoy or Glenn. All newborns look like old
men.

No one agrees with her.

LEIGH
Darce actually loves kids. She’s great with her nieces.

MARGOT
Listen, dinner was scrumptious, let’s do it again soon.

MARGOT hugs LEIGH again.

NATE
Next time. I grill. You drink. Got it?

DARCY
(finding some enthusiasm)
That’d be great.

LEIGH
Promise you’ll call us, if you need anything. Midnight cravings.

DARCY
Right. Pickles and perogis.

MARGOT
Thanks guys, we have a couple of months before that happens. ‘Night.

MARGOT is out the door.

NATE
Don’t know what we’d do without you.

LEIGH gives her a squeeze. NATE is out the door.

 The Kid Thing 20.

LEIGH shuts the door. DARCY busies herself at the table. More whiskey?

LEIGH
A baby! That’s so ...

DARCY
Insane?

LEIGH
They are going to be parents. Jesus.

DARCY
Yeah, that’s the insane part.

LEIGH
Nate seemed so happy. Bursting. Have you ever seen her that happy?

DARCY
I guess. But she’s always so freakin’ chipper.

LEIGH
I couldn’t get a read on Margot. Could you?

DARCY
She seemed. . . normal.

LEIGH
I thought she was really subdued.

DARCY
Maybe compared to Nate, but I think she was fine.

LEIGH
She was almost sheepish.

DARCY
I don’t think she was sheepish. Why would she be sheepish?

LEIGH
You think she was trying to be respectful?

DARCY
(confused)
Why?
 The Kid Thing 21.

LEIGH
I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t want to rub it in our face.

DARCY
That she’s pregnant?

LEIGH
Yeah.

DARCY
Why would she do that?

LEIGH
They don’t know what we think about kids.

DARCY
Because we’ve never, ever talked to them about it.

LEIGH
Right. Maybe they think we’re divided on the subject.

DARCY
Why would they assume that?

LEIGH
We’ve never discussed the kid thing with them so maybe that implies -- to them --
some sort of disagreement between us.

DARCY
How do you all of sudden get pregnant without ever having expressed an interest in
having kids? Especially to people you say are your best friends? Your ‘gay family’ I
think was the phrase.

LEIGH
Darce, it’s a private decision.

DARCY
Doesn’t that strike you as really fucked up?

LEIGH
No. They don’t have to talk about it with us.
 The Kid Thing 22.

DARCY
But they can just show up one night and drop the kid bomb and expect we’re going to
be all, “oh my ever-loving god, that’s so amazing, your precious angel.”

LEIGH
Maybe they took our silence on the subject as some sort of sign it was a verboten topic.
Like maybe I want kids and you don’t.

DARCY
Why would you say that? Have I ever said that?

LEIGH
Well, it’s not like you’ve ever had much enthusiasm about the topic.

DARCY
I’m not un-enthusiastic! I’m neutral. On the topic. Kids are a theoretical topic. And
on theoretical topics I tend to stay neutral. I thought we were talking about Nate and
Margot? Are we talking about Nate and Margot? ‘Cause if we’re not talking about
Nate and Margot. If you’re using Nate and Margot to mask another discussion, let’s
just have that discussion. Okay? And not obfuscate this discussion by being all
psycho- analytical about Nate and Margot.

LEIGH
I’m talking about Nate and Margot.

DARCY
Okay.

They sit with this, because, in fact, they are only barely talking about NATE and
MARGOT.

LEIGH
She probably thinks--

DARCY
This is Nate and Margot we’re talking about?

LEIGH
Yes.

DARCY
Just checking.

LEIGH
Can I continue?
 The Kid Thing 23.

DARCY
Please.

LEIGH
I would imagine, Margot isn’t sure we’re on the same page -- that’s all.

DARCY
Well, that’s ludicrous.

LEIGH
Okay then how do you explain her total reservation?

DARCY
First of all I think you’re exaggerating her response. She was tired and wanted to go to
bed. She was ready to leave an hour after they got here.

LEIGH
But you weren’t gonna let that happen.

DARCY
What’s that mean?

LEIGH
Nothing.

DARCY
No, you mean something--

LEIGH
It means nothing.

DARCY
C’mon Leigh. Don’t pull that. You were the one hauling out the gelato at one in the
morning!

LEIGH
I just mean you were very animated--

DARCY
I get riled up. Okay?

LEIGH
Yeah, I know.
 The Kid Thing 24.

DARCY
You want me to tone it down? Is that what you’re saying? You want me to dial it
down a bit?

LEIGH
No.

DARCY
Cause I don’t think that’s a fair thing to ask. I don’t ask you to get less...I don’t know
less sanguine.

LEIGH
I love how you think anyone who doesn’t share your cataclysmic pessimism is being
simple-minded.

DARCY
Leigh, stop, that is not what I--I admire your ebullience.

LEIGH
You’ve told me you think it’s a genetic deformity.

DARCY
A genetic pre-disposition. You have no control over it. It’s who you are.

(Beat.)

LEIGH
I just wish you would try and gauge the rest of the room a little. They came over to tell
us about the baby. And you dominated--

DARCY
How was I suppose to know that?

LEIGH
They brought champagne, clearly they had something to celebrate.

DARCY
You’re saying I was supposed to know that? That friends of ours who have NEVER
ONCE mentioned wanting kids show up pregnant? Like that’s a fore-gone
conclusion?

LEIGH
Don’t yell.
 The Kid Thing 25.

DARCY
I’m not yelling!

LEIGH
I’m asking you not to yell.

DARCY
I’m not yelling. This is a normal conversational volume.

LEIGH
I’m not talking to you when you are like this.

DARCY
I’m sorry.

LEIGH
For what?

DARCY
Leigh, I’m sorry. I should have registered that something was going on. With Nate
and Margot. And reined it in. A little.

LEIGH
I’m right. About Margot.

DARCY
She was subdued.

LEIGH
Because she didn’t want to gloat. I’m right about that.

DARCY
She shouldn’t feel like that.

LEIGH
Yeah.

DARCY
Because we don’t see it as gloating. Do we?

LEIGH
No, we’re just happy for them.
(beat)
At least I’m happy for them.
 The Kid Thing 26.

DARCY
I’m thrilled for them. Absolutely.
(beat)
If that’s what they want.

LEIGH
You don’t go through what they’ve gone through if you don’t want a baby.

DARCY
We can have our own opinions about it. About whether they should--

LEIGH
It’s what they want.

DARCY
Right. At the end of the day. It’s their life.

LEIGH
That’s why we should be happy for them. That’s why I am happy for them. You
should be happy for them.

DARCY
I am!

LEIGH
Good. Now next time we see them, maybe you can act like it.

DARCY
Well, I’m allowed to have my own opinion and have my own feelings associated with
those opinions. And it’s my opinion, given everything that’s going on in Margot’s
career and Nate’s inability to hold a job, for instance, that it’s not a bloody brilliant time
to be having a baby.

LEIGH
Nate has a job.

DARCY
Okay, yes, technically, she has a job.

LEIGH
She makes more money than I do.

DARCY
You have a profession. Selling flat screens at Best Buy is not a profession.
 The Kid Thing 27.

LEIGH
She has benefits and paid vacation.

DARCY
Well, at least you’re not in some fantasy-land that you can support a kid on your social
worker salary.

LEIGH
I wouldn’t be doing it on my own. And neither are they.

DARCY
C’mon, you think they’d be able to do this without Margot’s money? Her mom’s
money?

LEIGH
Yes. Nate makes over forty thousand a year.

DARCY
Fertility clinic? IVF? The sperm isn’t exactly free Leigh-- it’s not like grazing the
olive bar at Whole Foods.

LEIGH
Don’t be patronizing.

DARCY
And this is Margot we’re talking about. You think she’s going to skimp? She’s not
skimping. She’s going get the fucking doula, the pre-natal yoga classes. All that Baby
Bjorn crap. The thousand dollar stroller with shock-absorbers. ‘Cause you know,
those Bucktown sidewalks-- talk about rocky terrain.

LEIGH
Doulas aren’t expensive. Lindsey was a doula. She made crap.

DARCY
You think they’re going to do all that on the combo forces of Nate’s forty and
whatever pittance Margot gets as an adjunct?

LEIGH
Fine, babies are expensive. And they have money. What’s your point?

DARCY
Nothing.

LEIGH
No, you have some sort of point. What? We don’t have money? We have money
Darce. Maybe not enough money for you. But we have money.
 The Kid Thing 28.

People have babies all the time with far less money than we do. With far less
education. Far less opportunities. You don’t have to be rich to have a baby.

DARCY
Sure, you can go to the County Hospital and pop one out. Have some twenty-one year
old intern from Pakistan or whereever try his delivery skills out on you.

LEIGH
Don’t be racist.

DARCY
I’m not being racist. It’s true. Have you ever been to County? ‘Cause I certainly
have.

LEIGH
I think your idea of what it takes to raise a kid might be inflated. A kid is not going to
plung us into poverty.

DARCY
Yeah, you’re right. I should just be content to stick them in Chicago Public Schools.
If our luck is right, maybe we’ll get ‘em into a magnet school. I hope so ‘cause we’re
not selling any time soon, we can barely afford to stay in this ‘transitional’
neighborhood. Where our lovely little shorty won’t be able to ride his big wheel down
our block without running over a crack pipe.

LEIGH
‘Cause you step on so many crack pipes.

DARCY
I have seen crack pipes on the el platform, yes.

LEIGH
You’re being ridiculous.

DARCY
I’m being realistic. There are drug deals in our alley.

LEIGH
There are drug deals at the fucking Quisnos in Schaumburg!

DARCY
Well then, I don’t want to raise a kid in Schaumburg either.
 The Kid Thing 29.

LEIGH
This is a completely irrational response. You know that? Right?

DARCY
Sure, whatever you say.

LEIGH
Don’t do that.

DARCY
You’re the expert. You say I’m being ridiculous or irrational, which by the way, is
kind of a judge-y sort of word. You’re judging my emotional response, which I don’t
think is too cool or really professional. But maybe you’re off the clock. Are you off
the clock? A minute ago, it felt like you were on the clock. The way you were talking
about Margot. Are you just on the clock with her? And off for me?

LEIGH
I’m going to go to bed. I can’t talk to you when you’re drunk.

DARCY
I’m NOT drunk.

LEIGH
I was giving you a fantastic excuse for your behavior.

DARCY
You can’t dismiss what I’m saying. Because you think I’m DRUNK. I’m totally
sober.

LEIGH
I’m not going to argue with you about it.

DARCY
Maybe we could work out a little system. Maybe a code. Where you let me know if
I’m talking to Leigh the girlfriend or I’m being assessed by Leigh the therapist.

LEIGH
Go to hell.

LEIGH leaves. If she was a slammer, she’d slam something.

DARCY
(at LEIGH)
Oh, nice, real nice. I’m being CONSTRUCTIVE and you’re just going to...
 The Kid Thing 30.

DARCY surveys the empty room.

Fucking great.

DARCY realizes LEIGH isn’t coming back.

Fucking smooth work.

2 SCENE: A FEW DAYS LATER. DARCY AND LEIGH’S PLACE. 2

NATE sits on the couch with a remote control in her hand and a laptop open.

She points the remote to the television and types on the laptop.

LEIGH is making cookies from a tube in the kitchen.

NATE
I’m going to have to reprogram all your shows. I couldn’t save them.

LEIGH
Fuck.

NATE
And I totally wiped out your queue.

LEIGH
I thought you were the ‘Geek Squad’?

NATE
Exactly-- we save you from watching excessively lame movies.

LEIGH
My queue isn’t lame.

NATE
Coming out stories from the 90s?

LEIGH
I like those films.

NATE
Ginny and Myra are camp counselors who, one summer, discover more than they
ever thought possible. Really? We’re expected to believe they had amazing lesbo sex
at sixteen? Nobody had amazing lesbo sex at that age.

LEIGH
Shut-up.
 The Kid Thing 31.

NATE
You know I’m right. You didn’t even have amazing lesbo sex in college. I could have
helped you there but--

LEIGH
All talk. All talk.

NATE
Besides, this is what you want to watch after a week of the crazies?

LEIGH
Those movies are fun.

NATE
Put on Blue Crush. Surfers. Girls in board shorts with ripped abs taming the waves
with their crazy sexual energy.

LEIGH
Blue Crush is a terrible movie.

NATE
It’s replacing your three hundred episodes of Prime Suspect.

LEIGH
Nooooo. I love Helen Mirren. She’s classy.

NATE
She’s seventy.
(beat.)
You want classy, throw in some Cary Grant films and watch Darcy’s personal idol
parade around in skinny ties.

LEIGH
Darcy doesn’t idolize Cary Grant. I idolize Cary Grant.

NATE
Exactly, ‘cause he dressed like Darcy. And that’s hot. That works for you guys.
Totally embrace it.

LEIGH
C’mon Nate. Knock it off. We don’t do that whole stone-cold versus lipstick thing.

NATE
Uh-huh.
 The Kid Thing 32.

LEIGH
We don’t.

NATE
Have you looked at your girlfriend lately?

LEIGH
Yes.

NATE re-assess.

NATE
Answer me this, how many pairs of cufflinks does Darcy own?

LEIGH
I don’t know. They come with her shirts.

NATE
First of all, they don’t.
(beat)
When she goes to the dry-cleaners does she pay for shirts or blouses?

LEIGH
I don’t know--she pays whatever it costs to have them cleaned.

NATE
She pays to have her men’s shirts laundered because they think she’s a dude and she
doesn’t correct them and because, well, it’s infinitely cheaper to get men’s shirts
laundered than it is women’s blouses.

LEIGH
How do you know?

NATE
Trust me, you take the perks where you can get them.

LEIGH
People don’t think you’re a dude.

NATE
Are you kidding? People think I’m a dude. But I like dudes. It’s not like I’m being
mistaken for a some flakey girly-girl. I mean, that would blow. All that shit that
Margot puts up with. Or you.
 The Kid Thing 33.

LEIGH
(dismissing)
Yeah, it’s such a burden.

NATE
I’m serious. All those jag-offs you have to deal with.

LEIGH
Yeah, I’m just beating them back.

NATE
That guy who was trying to get your number when we were hanging out at Moody’s
and Darcy was sitting right there. I’m telling you that’s why I really hope we don’t
have a girl. I mean. I’d be so out of my league. We’re talking chained to the radiator
until she was twenty-one.

LEIGH
What are you talking about ? You’re going to be a total push-over. Jesus you’re going
to have a kid. I still can’t believe it.

NATE
I know. Every morning I wake up thinking everything’s normal and then Margot pops
some pre-natal vitamins and I’m like. ‘Fuck this is really happening.’

LEIGH
Oh, you guys are ready for this.

NATE
I mean, I think we are. We’re not twenty. We’re not idiots any more. Well, sometimes.
But you know what I mean. I think we know enough to know we’re not going to have
much more figured out. So why not? But Margot’s not convinced yet.

LEIGH
Are you kidding? Margot’s the most responsible person I know.

NATE
This is what I keep saying. She volunteers. She pays her taxes -- on time. And mine.
It’s sick. She’s so responsible. I’m the one who’s the fuck up.

LEIGH
Nate you’re oozing parent material.

NATE
The only thing I know how to make are sandwiches, spaghetti, and tater tots. And
back when we all had checkbooks I never once balanced mine. Before I met Margot I
literally used to go to the atm and just hope money would come out.
 The Kid Thing 34.

LEIGH
But you want a kid.

NATE
I know. I’m like so desperate to have one.

LEIGH
You’ve always loved kids.

NATE
Kids are incredible. And hilarious. And they get so obsessed with things. Like
pterodactyls. And how teeth grow.

LEIGH
I know they are amazing. And you will have so much fun with a kid.

NATE
You should see our fridge. It’s plastered with kid programs. Did you know you can
teach a four month old how to swim? And there’s this awesome robot-making class at
Science and Industry. It’s totally Jetson-land. Your kid has to be five or six. But still.
We didn’t have all this when we were growing up. It was like, ‘here’s your Pinky Ball
and a stick, go have fun for the next twelve years.’

LEIGH
See? That’s why you are going to make a great parent.

NATE
Well, we’re going to find out sooner or later. I mean really everybody’s parents fuck
them up in some way, so why should I be any different?
Where are you guys, with the whole kid discussion?

LEIGH
Us?

NATE
Yeah, I mean you must be thinking about it.

LEIGH
Oh, yeah, of course we’re thinking about it. We’ve been thinking about it for awhile.
I’ve always wanted kids. You know that.

NATE
Yeah, I always thought you’d be the one to go first.

LEIGH
It’s just felt a little chaotic. Jobs, moves, all that life shit.
 The Kid Thing 35.

NATE
But you’re getting ready?

LEIGH
Oh, yeah.

NATE
Like how soon?

LEIGH
Really soon. We’re seriously talking. And after you guys told us your news of course
Darcy and I had another serious talk.

NATE
So Darcy wants a kid. Wow. She seemed so ...freaked.

LEIGH
You know Darcy. She doesn’t do the theoretical. But she’s letting me take the lead on
this. There’s still a ton of things to work out. But I’m eligible for maternity leave in a
few months. So we’re on board. We’re in phase one.

NATE
You thinking of adoption?

LEIGH
I mean that’s possible, but I’d like to try and have one, while we’re young enough.

NATE
You’d carry?

LEIGH
Absolutely. Darcy hasn’t missed a day of work in the five years we’ve been together.

NATE
So you’re thinking this year. Holy crap.

LEIGH
Like you said, might as well take the leap sometime. Now’s as good a time as any.

NATE
How cool would it be? I’m TOTALLY jumping the gun on this--but could you
imagine? If we both had? At the same time? Our kids would be like cousins.
 The Kid Thing 36.

LEIGH
We’d carpool and hang out at the park together.

NATE
We could share a nanny!

LEIGH
Or get a French au pair.

NATE
Oh, fuck! Little kids speaking French is like the most adorable thing in the world.

LEIGH
It would be amazing.

NATE
Jesus God. This is crazy awesome.

LEIGH
I know, can you believe it? You and me? With kids?

NATE
You have a donor in mind?

LEIGH
I’ve got a couple of preliminary ideas.

NATE
Would you ask Darce’s brothers?

LEIGH
No, Teddy’s a raging fundamentalist now. And Jack’s out of the question--bat shit
crazy.

NATE
Too bad. It would just be nice for the family resemblance. That was a total bummer for
me and Margot.

LEIGH
Yeah, but the thing I keep saying is it’s more important that he be good father material.

NATE
Goes without saying.

LEIGH
That’s what you guys were looking for with your donor, right?
 The Kid Thing 37.

NATE
Yeah.

LEIGH
I mean, you don’t have to be too specific. Your privacy and all.

NATE
Well, we’re not really talking about it to everyone. But it’s you guys.
I’m sure if Margot was here she’d be comfortable talking about it. Openly.

LEIGH
I seriously don’t mean to pry. I’m just assuming you guys went the anonymous route.

NATE
No. Margot was set on adoption when we first started talking about it. But I really,
really wanted to have a kid that would, even in a small way, resemble her. You know?
She’s so smart and gorgeous. And that’s when she really insisted that we pick
someone we knew. Whose character we could vouch for. So the profiles were out for
us. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I don’t know, it just all fell into
place. Like our guy made so much sense.

LEIGH
So it was someone you both knew well?

NATE
Not exactly. Oh, fuck it. You’re just gonna die when you hear.
Remember Jacob McClinton?

LEIGH
Jacob McClinton. . .

NATE
He lived with us in Traydon. Hung out with the soccer guys.

LEIGH
Oh, Jacob-Jacob. Are you kidding?

NATE
I’m not.

LEIGH
Shit Jacob! He’s your donor?

NATE
Yep. Perfect, right?
 The Kid Thing 38.

LEIGH
Jacob McClinton. He really was the sweetest guy. You guys always had a special
bond.

NATE
It started with the Baltimore connection.

LEIGH
I liked him so much. Remember all those pies he made for our orphan’s
Thanksgiving? So what happened?

NATE
Once we got serious about looking, I called him to see what he was up to and he had
just come back from Prague. Was staying at his parents back in Baltimore. So Margot
and I went to visit my mom over the fourth and we all got together. Marogt really liked
him. And we went from there. He came up here for a long weekend. And you know,
he went through all the screening. At our clinic. And it was all good.

LEIGH
Jacob McClinton. I haven’t thought about him in--you know we dated for like a
month.

NATE
I made out with him freshmen year. He was the last guy I ever messed around with.
Nearly lost my gold star status.

LEIGH
But how did he take it, when you asked? Was he shocked?

NATE
Oh, no. He offered years ago. Long before I met Margot. And he’s consistently been
on my short list.

LEIGH
That’s like Terry Fromer was for me.

NATE
But his wife’s a nightmare.

LEIGH
Exactly. I replaced him with this guy I went to grad school with, Rick--remember
Rick? we went to the roller derby with him?

NATE
Oh, yeah, I liked him. That’s not bad.
 The Kid Thing 39.

LEIGH
But I don’t know, I’ve only known him a couple of years.

NATE
That’s why Jacob just made perfect sense.

LEIGH
He really does. Oh, that was such a great idea.

NATE
One of my finer moments.

They both sit with the thought for a second.

LEIGH
Has my name ever come up?

NATE
With Jacob?

LEIGH
In passing. Like in a mutual friends sorta way?

NATE
Oh, he always asks about you.

LEIGH
He remembers me?

NATE
Of course. He lived down the hall. And he knows we’re still best friends.

LEIGH
Really?

NATE
I told him how great you and Darcy were. He’s going to be in town next week for the
Michigan game.

They sit with the idea that’s forming.

LEIGH
So, do you think it’d be weird. . .
 The Kid Thing 40.

NATE
We should totally hang out.

LEIGH
You think?

NATE
Oh, absolutely.

LEIGH
I mean there’s no agenda. Just reconnecting. That sort of thing.

NATE
Just hanging out with him a little.

LEIGH
Right.

NATE
Right.

LEIGH
It’s been a long time. Since we’ve seen each other--

NATE
Exactly. Just catch up a bit. On each other’s lives. That sorta thing.

They consider the unspoken for a moment.

LEIGH
But hypothetically speaking. If it, you know, were to come up.

NATE
That you guys are looking for a donor?

LEIGH
Right.

NATE
Uh-huh.

LEIGH
And he were to be open to talking further about it--
 The Kid Thing 41.

NATE
Of course.

LEIGH
I mean, would you guys be okay with that? Having that conversation?

NATE
I think it would be amazing.

LEIGH
You do?

NATE
No question. And he’s got a super high count. So that’s a big help.
We should text him.

LEIGH
No! Now?

NATE
Yeah, of course.

LEIGH
What’ll we say? I can’t text him. Do you think I can text him?

NATE
Yes. Text him.

LEIGH
And say what?

NATE
I don’t know, how ‘bout, ‘hey it’s Leigh. Remember me? Heard you had a great sperm
count.”

LEIGH
I am not texting that.

Nate pulls out her phone.

NATE
I’ll text him.
 The Kid Thing 42.

LEIGH
No. We should wait. I should talk to Darcy.

Texting

NATE
We’ll just find out what’s he’s up to.

LEIGH
You sure?

NATE
Invite him over. Have a beer. No big deal. Why not?

LEIGH
Right. Why not.

NATE finishes texting.

NATE
We’ll see what he says.

LEIGH
Is he with someone? Married?

NATE
No. But he had it bad for this chick, it was like a four or five year thing. She ran off
with his best friend. I mean how do you do shit like that? She broke his heart.

DARCY enters.

DARCY
Ah, the gang’s all here.

LEIGH
Hey babe. I thought you had that dinner thing tonight?

DARCY
The client canceled. They went with some overpriced Brooklyn firm. Bunch of coked
up twenty-two year olds. They’re going to regret it. Their concept was terrible.

Digging in to the cookie plate.

LEIGH
I’m sorry sweetie.
 The Kid Thing 43.

NATE
That bites.

DARCY
I’m going to fix a drink, you want anything Nate?

NATE
I’ve got to head out. Margot needs the car tonight.

DARCY
One beer?

NATE
Sure.

DARCY exits to kitchen.

LEIGH
Let me handle the Jacob stuff. She may need to be eased in gently.

NATE
Believe it or not, I’ve met Darcy once before.

LEIGH
I just had to say it out-loud.

NATE
You think Margot was a cake walk? And look where we are? Huh? Pregnant. Holy
fuck. I keep giving myself a panic attack.

DARCY returns without beer. She holds a fancy soda.

DARCY
We’re out of beer.

NATE
Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

DARCY
I brought you something pink.

LEIGH
Pomegrante spritzers. With all natural sugar. I got them for Margot.

DARCY
How’s the up-grade going?
 The Kid Thing 44.

NATE
Your speakers are crap.

DARCY
There’s nothing wrong with my speakers.

NATE
They are from 1997.

DARCY
They sound great.

NATE
There’s some sweet Harman Kardon’s on sale till the end of the month. I’ll grab you
some.

DARCY
I don’t need new speakers. Those are studio quality.

NATE
All I’m saying is you might want to get all your toys in line before you have to start
spending all your cash on someone else’s toys. You know?

DARCY shoots LEIGH a look.

DARCY
I’ll hook up the speakers.

NATE
Already did.

LEIGH
Nate’s been at it for hours.

NATE
Twenty minutes.

Text message ding. DARCY and NATE check their phones.

Nate wins.

NATE
Oh, cool Jacob’s free on Thursday or Sunday.
 The Kid Thing 45.

LEIGH
Either works for me? What about you guys?

DARCY
Who’s Jacob?

NATE
He’s our--

LEIGH
Our old friend from college.

NATE
Yeah, an old, old friend. And he’s going to be in town. So you know. Thought it
would be nice to--

LEIGH
I haven’t seen him in years. Like ten, shit fifteen almost.

DARCY
Great.

NATE
We were very tight in college.

DARCY
That’s great.

LEIGH
So Nate thought we should all get together.

NATE
Like for a drink or some thing.

DARCY
Sure.

LEIGH
He’s such a sweetheart. You’re going to love him.

DARCY
Oh, am I invited?

LEIGH
Yes! That’s the whole point. We want you to meet him.
 The Kid Thing 46.

DARCY
Oh, okay. I just thought it was a quasi-reunion sorta thing. You guys reminisce about
beer bongs and skinny dipping.

NATE
You’d like Jacob. He’s really political. Margot’s a big fan.

DARCY
I’m sure. I just have a tight week. You guys plan without me. If I can come, I’ll come.

LEIGH
What’s better for you Thursday or Sunday?

DARCY
I don’t know babe, I’ll have to check.

LEIGH
Normally Sunday’s our day. So that’s open, right?

DARCY
Leigh, we’ve got some deadlines. I’ll know more by the end of the week.

LEIGH
It’s just-- we’d like you to be there.

DARCY
(shutting down the discussion)
Well, I hope I can make it.

NATE
Cool. That would be cool.

Beat.
I’m going hit the road. Don’t want to get my ass in trouble. So, let me know what
works and I’ll. . . you know. . . don’t stress about it.

Leigh, wrapping her arms around DARCY:

LEIGH
That’s what I tell her every day. Don’t stress about it.

Worming out of the embrace, walking NATE out.

DARCY
Oh, no stress is fun, you guys should try it.
 The Kid Thing 47.

NATE
Last call on those speakers.

DARCY
Get your commission somewhere else.

NATE
You’re going to kick yourself. Later dudes.

NATE is gone.

DARCY
What was that about?

LEIGH
What?

DARCY
The party planning.

LEIGH
I just want you to meet my friends.

DARCY
I have met your friends.

LEIGH
I want you to meet this friend.

DARCY
I said I would come if I was free.

LEIGH
Okay.

DARCY
But I don’t appreciate the double-teaming.

LEIGH
There’s no double-teaming.

DARCY
They are your friends. You want to hang out with them on Sunday? Fine. But you
were the one who wanted us to have our Sundays free.
 The Kid Thing 48.

LEIGH
I know, that’s why I gave you the Thursday option.

DARCY
It’s not an option, if I got to work. It’s hard enough to keep my Sundays open.

LEIGH
Fine. I get it.
(beat)
You’d think I was suggesting a root canal.

DARCY
Oh, Jesus.

LEIGH
What?

DARCY
I don’t know why I should kill myself so I can hang out with some college buddy of
yours ‘cause next week is tight.

LEIGH
Yeah. You made that clear. Crystal clear.

DARCY
But I will try. I will make a concerted effort.

LEIGH
You’ve already decided its not important.

DARCY
It’s socializing. So yes, that alone makes it a slightly lower priority than landing a half a
million dollar account. I’m sorry. But I think you like having the mortgage paid.

LEIGH
Oh, god not this again.

DARCY
I have a chance to put us a little ahead. And so I’m working my balls off but if you’d
rather I meet this Jason guy for a beer. Fine.

LEIGH
Jacob.

DARCY
What’d I say?
 The Kid Thing 49.

LEIGH
It doesn’t matter.

DARCY
Let’s do this whole thing over? Shall we?

DARCY picks up her bag. She walk out the front door. A second later she opens
it up.

DARCY
Baby! I’m home. Wow. What smells so good? Cookies? Are they chocolate chip, my
favorite?

LEIGH
C’mon Darce.

DARCY
What? No kiss? C’mon now.

LEIGH
I’m not playing.

DARCY
Do you want a drink or something? Have I seen that apron before? You look
absolutely stunning in it.

Freshening her drink.

‘How was my day?’ Boring. Idiots spending obscene amounts of money on moronic
marketing ideas. But what about you? What were you doing today? Saving lives? Did
you convince any of your girls to eat a muffin?

Leigh is amused despite of herself.

LEIGH
No. Today’s Thursday.

DARCY
Oh, right. Paper pushing. I bet those girls just hate Thursdys. No drop ins. No quick
glimpses of Ms.L’s adorable smile.

LEIGH
We hired another part-time counselor.

DARCY
Will she help you with your case load?
 The Kid Thing 50.

LEIGH
He’s not starting until January. But yeah, I’m excited. He specializes in addiction.

DARCY
January’s a long way off.

LEIGH
Not really. So while I was talking to Derek today--

DARCY
Remind me about Derek.

LEIGH
The H.R. manager. I found out I’m eligible for maternity leave in May.

DARCY
This May?

LEIGH
Yes this May.

DARCY
Why would you talk to him about that?

LEIGH
I wanted to know about their policy.

DARCY
You shouldn’t be talking to him about that. You said you thought you had a chance at
interim director. Why would you tell him you were interested in maternity leave? That’s
just sabotaging the promotion.

LEIGH
It is not! I’m simply getting some information.

DARCY
How can you be so naive. You basically just told them to look elsewhere. And you’re
perfect for the position. Why would you do that?

LEIGH
They can’t not offer me the promotion ‘cause I want to have a baby.
 The Kid Thing 51.

DARCY
Are you kidding? It happens all the time! Why do you think I only have men and
women over fifty working for me?

LEIGH
That’s disgusting.

DARCY
It’s practical. You know how many babies our firm has supported in the last three
years alone? Five. Five women have started working for us and just as their insurance
kicked in they get knocked up.

LEIGH
Okay, well, consider me pay-back.

DARCY
I’m just saying I wish you would be a little more pragmatic. Your approach. You
don’t need to go racing ahead without at least talking to me about it first.

LEIGH
I’m not racing ahead. And if I didn’t look a little ahead nothing would ever happen in
this relationship.

DARCY
What does that mean?

LEIGH
Would we ever have bought this condo if it weren’t for me dragging you every
weekend to open houses?

DARCY
Our place in Rogers Park was fine.

LEIGH
We had homophobic neighbors and the whole place smelled like cat piss.

DARCY
It was what I could afford at the time.

LEIGH
Are you happy with our place?

DARCY
Yes. Of course.
 The Kid Thing 52.

LEIGH
Okay. I’m glad to hear it. Despite the fact we had to rescheduled the closing five times.
If you remember.

DARCY
So I was a little reticent to jump into a mortgage that was double what we had been
paying. So I’m a little more conservative in my thinking than you may like. Just
because I want something, doesn’t mean I get to have it at that instant.

LEIGH
We are never going to have the perfect amount of money. The perfect job stability. The
perfect amount of time. That won’t happen. So I suggest you stop waiting for it. I’m
trying to work with what we do have. And it’s looking like alot to me. I don’t know
what it looks like to you. But that’s what it looks like to me.

DARCY
Leigh I’m not saying I’m not happy with this--

LEIGH
We are ready to be parents, Darce.

DARCY
Please don’t push me.
(Beat.)

LEIGH
Okay.

DARCY
I’m going round the corner to replace the twelve pack Nate polished off.

LEIGH
So you’re done talking?

DARCY
Leigh. Stop.

LEIGH
Got it.

DARCY
I’ll be back in five.

LEIGH
I’m on the crisis line tonight. I might be gone by the time you’re back.
 The Kid Thing 53.

DARCY
Then I’ll see you when you get home.

LEIGH
There’s a frozen pizza in the fridge. Or you can heat up the chili.

DARCY
I’ll be fine.

DARCY heads to the door.

LEIGH
Darce?

DARCY
Yeah?

LEIGH
Just trust me.

DARCY
On what?

LEIGH
We’ll figure this out.

DARCY
I know. I know.

She exits.

SCENE: LATER THAT NIGHT

MARGOT stands near the door. DARCY stands a few feet away, collecting her
things.

DARCY
You want to sit for a minute?

MARGOT
No.
 The Kid Thing 54.

DARCY
Just for a minute.

MARGOT doesn’t move from the door.

MARGOT
I don’t need to sit. Let’s go.

DARCY
You’re making me nervous. Standing there.

MARGOT doesn’t budge.

DARCY
Just for a second. Take a seat. While I get my stuff together.

MARGOT takes two steps inside the door.

DARCY
Good. That’s good. That’s much better. I feel much better already.

MARGOT
Get your things.

DARCY
You sure I can’t get you something before we head out? Water? Pomegrante Spritzer?

MARGOT
We’re heading out now.

DARCY
Okay, so maybe there are things I’d rather not say in the middle of a noodle shop.

MARGOT
And maybe I don’t think it’s a good idea to be alone in the middle of the apartment you
share with your girlfriend. Your partner.

DARCY
She’s not here.

MARGOT
It doesn’t matter.

DARCY
She’s on call until midnight.
 The Kid Thing 55.

MARGOT
I agreed to Udon. I agreed to ninety minutes. Those were my conditions--my
parameters. Those were the boundaries I set up if we were going to get together. If we
were going to be alone./ If we were going to meet up which I didn’t want to do.

DARCY
/Fifteen minutes.

DARCY pulls out her phone.

DARCY
Okay. Ten. I’ll time it.

MARGOT turns to go.

DARCY
I don’t want to do this in public. Okay?

MARGOT
Okay. Ten minutes.

MARGOT takes a seat.

DARCY
Why didn’t you tell me?

MARGOT
That I was pregnant?

DARCY
Yes.

MARGOT
Because I promised Nate we’d tell you guys together.

DARCY
Okay well, don’t you think I would have like to have known well before that?

MARGOT
No. I didn’t think it mattered.

DARCY
Wow. Well, yeah, it sorta does. Alot. A whole lot.

MARGOT
Why?
 The Kid Thing 56.

DARCY
Jesus! I thought that would be obvious.

MARGOT
It’s not obvious to me.

DARCY
You’re going to make me spell this out for you?

MARGOT
You’re the one who wanted to talk.

DARCY tries to regroup.

DARCY
If I had known, about your condition--situation--whatever. I wouldn’t have acted in
the ways that I acted.

MARGOT
We wouldn’t have acted. I was participant you know.

DARCY
I know. I’m perfectly aware of that. And no. Absolutely not. Would we have done
this if I had all the information.

MARGOT
We wouldn’t have slept together?

DARCY
No, we wouldn’t have slept together.

MARGOT
Then I guess I owe you an apology. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it would have made any
difference.

DARCY
You honestly didn’t think I would care?

MARGOT
Yes. You’ve done this before.

DARCY
No I haven’t -- you’re the one who’s done this before.

MARGOT
I.T. girl?
 The Kid Thing 57.

DARCY
I.T. girl was very early on--before Leigh moved in.

MARGOT
And there haven’t been others?

DARCY
No, there haven’t been others...

MARGOT
Uh-huh.

DARCY
There have been episodes.

MARGOT
So very different

DARCY
But I have never, ever, fooled around with someone who was trying to get pregnant. I
mean that’s just, I wouldn’t do that. That’s a game changer.

MARGOT
You’re going to have to forgive me for not grasping your acutely calibrated moral
compass.

DARCY
C’mon Margot! The kid thing--that’s serious.

MARGOT
And my six year relationship’s not? What’s that? A passing fling?

DARCY
No.

LEIGH
Our shared mortgage. The dogs. The car. That’s not a big deal? That’s not serious?

DARCY
That’s not what I’m saying.

MARGOT
What about the fact that Nate schlepped her ass across the country several times to
accommodate my quote unquote career moves. That’s not, that’s not proof of a
committed relationship?
 The Kid Thing 58.

DARCY
C’mon, you know what I mean-- you’re having a baby with her! I don’t understand
why that seems so unreasonable to you.

MARGOT
Okay, well because I think that you’re being A) delusional. B) supremely disrespectful
of your own relationship. And C) never mind about C.

DARCY
What’s C?

MARGOT
We’re not getting into C.

DARCY
You can’t announce a C and then renege on it!

MARGOT
You’re in no place to hear C.

DARCY
I’m in no place to hear A and B.

MARGOT
I think those are self explanatory.

DARCY
That I’m delusional? You’re the delusional one. Acting like it’s no big deal that you
are pregnant! Like it shouldn’t affect me. Like I’m getting all bent out of shape about
some, some--

MARGOT
Hetero-normative construct?

DARCY
Oh--ho. You are so reading into this

MARGOT
You didn’t ask me up to chastise me about the pregnancy.

DARCY
Yes I did. I was upset. I wanted to talk to you.
 The Kid Thing 59.

MARGOT
Okay, well, then fait accompli, it’s been ten minutes.

DARCY
Okay.

MARGOT kisses DARCY.

MARGOT
For fuck’s sake. I promised myself, that was not going to happen.
I don’t trust you, I don’t trust myself around you. I’m going to go.

DARCY
We can behave. We will behave. Stay please.
I know that we didn’t make any promises--

MARGOT
We didn’t. You especially didn’t--

DARCY
And I know that we didn’t owe each other an explanation.

MARGOT
Uh-huh.

DARCY
And that something like the baby, that’s a private decision. That it’s your life. Your
private life. A life that you share with Nate.

MARGOT
What would you have done?
(Beat.)
You love Leigh.

DARCY
I do. I love Leigh.

MARGOT
And I love Nate.

DARCY
But this is more than that.

MARGOT
No, no, it’s not. What we were doing, that was just thrilling. That’s all. A break from
the routine.
 The Kid Thing 60.

DARCY
It’s not.

MARGOT
And yes, the sex, it was good. It was very, very, very good.

DARCY
I’m not talking about the sex.

MARGOT
You’re talking about the sex.

DARCY
So that’s all you think is going on between us? The vintage watch? The first edition
Age of Innocence? I was reading too much into them?

MARGOT
We’re friends. I like giving my friends gifts.

DARCY
Okay.

MARGOT
Darce, you’ve been in love.

DARCY
I have. And maybe this is all one-sided. But the way you make me feel, that’s--

MARGOT
I’m not saying it’s one-sided--

DARCY
You don’t want me to be smaller. Or quieter. Or less than exactly what I am.

MARGOT
Darce.

DARCY
A loud-mouthed, ambiguous freakshow--

MARGOT
You are none of those things. You’re striking. And sharp. And brash.

DARCY
And you like that.
 The Kid Thing 61.

MARGOT
Well, you could shut-up once and a while.

DARCY
And if I made you feel a tenth of the way you make me feel--

MARGOT
You do. You make me feel in no small way, so fantastic.
But you can’t anymore. Just like I can’t do that for you

Beat.

DARCY
Are you happy with Nate?

MARGOT
Nate and I have a really, really good thing.
You and Leigh have a really good thing.

DARCY
We do.

MARGOT
Nothing is perfect. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. One person can’t be everything.
So I’ve just learned how to supplement the rest.

DARCY
So Nate’s enough for you?

MARGOT
I don’t think we should get into this.

DARCY
I want to know. Is Nate enough for you?

MARGOT
Nate wants a baby more than anything in the world. She wants to have my baby. It’s
the most beautiful. The most generous, self-less, effortless -- it’s what she dreams
about. No one’s ever felt that way about me. Ever. I can’t deny her that.

DARCY
But what about you? Do you want to have a baby?

MARGOT
You know plenty of women don’t feel the ovary tug. They don’t hit the second
trimester and suddenly seem all aglow.
 The Kid Thing 62.

Plenty of women hate being pregnant and can’t bloody wait to slip back into their
skinny jeans. I might be one of them. In the skinny jean camp. Not the aglow camp.
And it doesn’t mean anything more than that.

DARCY
So you’re doing this for Nate.

MARGOT
No. I’m doing this because I want to have a child in my life.

DARCY
All I’m asking is if Nate’s enough for you.

MARGOT
Yes.

DARCY
Okay.

MARGOT
Don’t be so shocked.

DARCY
I must be missing something.

MARGOT
Yeah, you probably are missing alot.

DARCY
So one day you just woke up and were like, “Sure. I’ll have a baby, ‘cause you asked
so nicely honey. And while I’m at it. I’ll support us. And yeah, you might not
understand a two thirds of my vocabulary and when I introduce you to my faculty
friends they may mistake you for a fifteen year old skater boy, but I’m okay with it.
Cause now’s the time. This is as good as it gets.”

MARGOT
Minus the dripping sarcasm. That’s about right.

DARCY
But don’t you want more?
 The Kid Thing 63.

MARGOT
I’m getting more. I’m going to have a baby.
(Beat)
If you don’t want to hear this. Fine.

DARCY
No, I do.

MARGOT
I don’t know what you thought was going to happen?

DARCY
I just don’t want you to settle for second-best.

MARGOT
For as much as you and I are so alike. So relentlessly un-fulflled. There comes a time to
just shrug and say fuck it. Might as well try to be happy.

DARCY
You don’t believe that.

MARGOT
I do. With every fiber of my being. And I truly hope since the time is coming, you’ll
believe it too.

DARCY
What do you mean? We’re not there yet.

MARGOT
I just thought, since you guys are getting a drink with Jacob.

DARCY
Who?

MARGOT
Our sperm donor.

DARCY
Your what?

END OF ACT ONE

 The Kid Thing 64.

4 SCENE: A FEW DAYS LATER. DARCY AND LEIGH’S PLACE. 4

JACOB perches on the edge of the couch.

LEIGH sits nearby. There is a plate of hummus and carrots on the table.

LEIGH
We have sparkling mineral water? Or pomegranate spritzer?

JACOB
Sure. Whatever you have.

LEIGH
Or a beer? Do you want a beer? We have some IPA stuff? I’m not much of a beer
drinker but if you like lagers we’ve got this micro-brew from Michigan, it’s incredible.

JACOB
The water’s fine.

LEIGH
Or tea? I’ve got a great green tea. We picked up from this adorable tea merchant in
Vancouver. There are dried elderflowers in it. Or maybe juniper berries. You have to
try it.

JACOB
Don’t trouble yourself--

LEIGH
Or coffee?

JACOB
If you have some made, I’ll never say no to coffee.

LEIGH
I’ll just boil some water. French press. Take two seconds. We have an electric kettle.
They’re amazing. Do you have an electric kettle?

JACOB
No, I--

LEIGH
Okay, I’m telling you-- you must get one. It will change your life. I never had any
idea how much time I spent waiting for water to boil. You know? I used to just skip it.
Then we got an electric kettle and it was a complete revelation. And they’re only, like,
twelve bucks! I’m not kidding. We have this Syrian version of the Family Dollar right
under the el station. Run by this sweet Syrian family. That’s where I got this one.
 The Kid Thing 65.

JACOB
Oh, I passed it on the way over.

LEIGH
You took the train?

JACOB
Yeah. But this is a great city to bike in--

LEIGH
Oh, it is. Do you bike in Baltimore?

JACOB
Everywhere. All year round.

LEIGH
Wow. That’s impressive.

JACOB
Well, I don’t have a car.

LEIGH
Is that for political reasons?

JACOB
Oh, no, it’s a financial thing. I’m not opposed to cars. But you know it’s an extra five
grand or whatever a year. And I don’t need one. I’m used to biking.

LEIGH
We both had cars. Darcy and me. When we first got together. And I swear every
month I think, ‘this is a total waste. A total unnecessary luxury. I mean who needs
two cars?’ But Darcy isn’t going to give hers up. So. And I need mine for work.
(Pause)
What was Prague like? Did you just get back? I’ve never been. I bet it was amazing.

JACOB
Yeah. It was amazing. Tons of electric kettles over there. I got back in June. You
know, been thinking about the next chapter of adulthood and all that.

LEIGH
Darcy loved Prague. She did the whole late 90s, bum around Eastern Europe ‘cause
it’s a cheap thing too. Well, to be fair, she loves Kafka. So that was a bonus. You
were there how long?

JACOB
A year--
 The Kid Thing 66.

LEIGH
A whole year. Wow.

JACOB
I was on a Fulbright. Yeah, Prague’s great.

LEIGH
Nate didn’t mention you were doing a Fulbright. That’s tremendous. Congratulations.

JACOB
I had a wonderful experience. It was a teaching thing, you know, not just research.

He pulls out his iPhone.

JACOB
I have some pictures of my students. These rad eight year olds. They were totally
obsessed with 80s American Pop. Especially Michael Jackson. It was hilarious. Little
Czech kids running through the halls singing P.Y.T.

LEIGH fawns over the pictures. The kettle is ready.

LEIGH
They are adorable.

JACOB
Yeah, don’t be fooled, trouble-makers every last one. I can’t tell you how much I miss
those imps.

LEIGH fixes coffee in the kitchen.

JACOB
This is a great place. How long you guys been here?

LEIGH
Little over a year now. But God feels like we just moved in. You know, ton of projects-

JACOB
It’s fantastic. Feels like you guys have been here much longer. This your first place?

LEIGH
No we were up further north for a couple of years.

JACOB
You own?
 The Kid Thing 67.

LEIGH
Oh, yeah, the joys of home ownership.

JACOB
I’ve been living such a transient life in the last year and well, truth be told, I really
haven’t settled down since we left college--it must be so great to actually own stuff.
Furniture and art.

LEIGH
I can tell you after the last move I kept thinking, “Why do I have all this crap? Who
needs all this stuff.” Do your folks still live in the same place?

JACOB
Same house going on thirty eight years.

LEIGH
Jesus, I can’t imagine. They must love having you home--

JACOB
Yeah, I’ve been reaping the benefits of home-cooking. And my mom never took to the
‘empty nest’ so she’s going a bit over-board.

LEIGH
You had one sibling. Right?

JACOB
Tyler. She lives in Florida.

LEIGH
You guys close?

JACOB
Not super close. And you had two sisters?

LEIGH
Only child.
(beat)
Darcy comes from a whole pack. Six. You’d think they were Mormons. Or Catholic.
Oh, sorry,that’s so insensitive. Darcy always makes that joke and it’s totally offensive.

JACOB
I’m not Catholic or Mormon.
 The Kid Thing 68.

LEIGH
I should stop saying that. I should really stop saying that.

JACOB
I can already tell I’m going to like this Darcy.

LEIGH
She must be stuck in traffic. I’ll text her.

LEIGH texts.

LEIGH
I can’t get over-- you look absolutely the same. Jacob McClinton. I mean, fifteen
years.

JACOB
My hair’s a little thinner.

LEIGH
Is not. Where?

JACOB
Back here. You can’t tell too badly but still, I’m terrified.

LEIGH inspects his hair. Tousles it affectionately.

JACOB
But you--you look just like I remember. It’s uncanny.

LEIGH
Really?

JACOB
It’s crazy how little you’ve changed.

LEIGH
That’s very flattering. ‘Cause you know how it is some days you look in the mirror
and think, who is that?

JACOB
You don’t look a day older than when we left college. But Nate’s changed so much.

LEIGH
It’s the short hair.
 The Kid Thing 69.

JACOB
And her whole...thing.

LEIGH
You mean she’s gotten butcher.

JACOB
Sure, maybe, but her whole attitude is different. Confident.

LEIGH
But the same Nate underneath.

JACOB
Oh, yeah, for sure. Is Darcy sorta like that?

LEIGH
You mean butch?

JACOB
Right.

LEIGH
Darcy, sure but she’s different than Nate, she’s more--I don’t know-- more Rachel
Maddow butch.

JACOB
I hope that’s not offensive.

LEIGH
God no. It’s -- oh, fucking labels.

JACOB
Yeah, I don’t even know what those terms mean, really. People are people.

LEIGH
Exactly.

JACOB
I’m a big fan of Margot’s. And I met a slew of Nate’s girlfriends. Wow. There were
some really--

LEIGH
Oh, my god, right? I know, Margot’s a catch. I’ve never seen Nate so happy. She’s
got the expectant mother perm-a-grin.

Checking phone.
 The Kid Thing 70.

LEIGH
I’m sorry Darcy’s late. She really wants to meet you. She’s really excited to meet you.

JACOB
No worries, it’s not like we don’t have a couple of years to get caught up on.

LEIGH
Nate and I have been waylaying her with stories of ‘back in the day.’ Do remember
staying up all night watching those horrible B rated monster movies.

JACOB
We loved Donny Darko before it was cool.

LEIGH
Trend setters.

JACOB
Highly progressive even at that young age.

LEIGH
I just have to say, I think, it’s so amazing what you’re doing--what you’ve done for
Nate. . . and Margot. It takes a certain amount of I don’t know--

JACOB
It’s not a big deal-- I mean of course it’s a big deal, just, well, you know, Nate’s like
my kid sister. Minus the family baggage.

LEIGH
Still. It’s a really amazing thing. And I hope, well, I just want you to know that I really
respect that, and that you’re even open to talking with me and Darcy about it --that’s
really something, uh, you’d think I’d be better at this, it’s what I do for a living--

JACOB
No, no, I hear you. Thank- you. Thanks.

LEIGH
Is there anything you want to ask us? Is there anything you want to know about us?
As a couple. Or even like where we are philosophically? This is as much you
interviewing us as it is--I don’t mean interviewing. Does it feel like an interview. I
hope it doesn’t feel like that.

JACOB
No, no, no. It’s good to see you.
 The Kid Thing 71.

LEIGH
Oh, I’m planning on carrying. And we’re using my eggs, did I mention that?

JACOB
Yeah, you mentioned that.

LEIGH
I’m sorry, I’m -- it’s just kinda bizarre.

JACOB
Yeah, no, it’s bizarre. But then again, people give away kidneys everyday. And that’s
a major organ. You only have two kidneys. You know? And I make millions of
sperm. Apparently, somewhere in the neighborhood of like 100 million per day.
That’s alot. You’ve got like a hundred thousand hairs on your head. Think about it.
If you were take a thousand people and you were to shave those thousand people’s
heads all that hair...that’s what I produce every single day.

LEIGH
Seriously?

JACOB
One thousand heads of hair. Everyday. Multiply that over a life-time. We’re talking
over a million million-- that’s a quadrillion. A quadrillion sperm. And you’re doing all
this for just one. One measly little sperm cell.

This is a bit incomprehensible to LEIGH.

LEIGH
Do you want a beer?

JACOB
Love one.

LEIGH
I’m going to grab a couple.

LEIGH gets them some beers.

JACOB
Sorry, I just-- whenever I get freaked I always try to get a little perspective. I like
facts. Facts seem to help me.

LEIGH
I’m not freaked. We’re not freaked.
 The Kid Thing 72.

JACOB
No, I know. I didn’t mean freaked. But it’s a big decision of course.

LEIGH
I know, I just don’t want you to have the impression that we’re freaked. ‘Cause we’re
not. It’s something we’ve been thinking about for a long time. Personally I’ve always
wanted kids. When I was nine or something, I’d play pregnant dress up.

JACOB
Even though you are totally comfortable with the whole baby decision, it’s a huge life-
changing event. From what I can gather. Not having done it first hand.

LEIGH
We’re not lukewarm or ambivalent or conflicted or in anyway anything but totally one
hundred percent. We can’t wait to be parents. We’re counting the seconds.

JACOB
I get that. I do.

LEIGH
Good.

JACOB
You definitely feel resolved.

LEIGH
I am.

JACOB
I think that’s amazing. I never feel resolved about anything. I always have a gnawing
doubt in my stomach.

LEIGH
It’s clarity.

JACOB
Right, you’ve got strong intuition.

LEIGH
No, intuition is vague. Clarity is laser sharp. “That one there. I’ll take the one on the
left.” That kind of decisiveness. It’s unshakable. It’s like nothing else. And I know
this may seem a little impulsive, but I’m very certain, I’d like you to be our donor. I
mean if you want to be.

JACOB
Wow. That’s quick. That’s a really quick resolution.
 The Kid Thing 73.

LEIGH
Something shifted. Like almost as soon as you walked in. And when you mentioned
Prague. I wasn’t listening to my old friend Jacob talk about a Fulbright scholarship, I
was listening to my child’s father talking about his European travels. I’m not kidding.
That’s what was happening to me.

JACOB
You’re certain?

LEIGH
You can’t fuck with clarity.

JACOB
Wow.

LEIGH
It hasn’t happened to me often. But enough times that I can recognize it when it does.
Would you like another beer?

JACOB
I’m probably fine--

LEIGH
I’m going to have another beer. And I think you should have one with me.

JACOB
Listen, I’d love to stay and hang out., but maybe we should continue the donor talk
once Darcy gets here. You know?

LEIGH
I don’t mean to pressure you.

JACOB
No, no pressure. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t already, you know, strongly
considering--

LEIGH
Okay, well, here’s what I think. I think, you and I should have another of these
delicious Michigan micro-brews. We should compare musical tastes. Because believe
it or not, that’s going to be Darcy’s biggest question about you, no Dave Matthew’s
Band. Or Phish. And for the love, no Kings of Leon. And once we have all that
straightened out, then, we should get some of your sperm.
 The Kid Thing 74.

JACOB
Like right now?

LEIGH
Yeah.

JACOB
As in tonight?

LEIGH
That’s my outline of the evening.

JACOB
Okay. But we’re going to wait for Darcy to do that?

LEIGH
She texted me that she’s tied up at work all night..

JACOB
I’m in town all weekend. Let’s just push this back.

LEIGH
Or not.

JACOB is trying to decipher what’s happening.

JACOB
So Darcy’s okay with me if you’re okay with me.

LEIGH
Pretty much. That’s our agreement. Because what it boils down to is my girlfriend has
so many wonderful qualities but she doesn’t possess clarity. My girlfriend has never
experienced clarity. And this is a clarity kind of decision. My girlfriend also can’t
respect biological dictums. Which are different than biological urges. An urge is a
craving. A desire. An urge is controllable. What I got. It isn’t some sort of hankering
for like salt n’ vinegar pita chips. The need I feel to have a baby? That’s something
different. That’s a directive. It’s like Dogma. It’s like my ovaries have handed me a
biological Magna fucking Carta.

JACOB
Got it.

LEIGH
So. What do you say? Totally up to you.
 The Kid Thing 75.

JACOB
I wasn’t really prepared to, I didn’t bring anything for the. . . um.

LEIGH
I think you hae everything you’ll need.

JACOB
What sort of . . . how should I put it. . . what sort of harvesting technique did you have
in mind.

LEIGH
I’m really down with the old-fashioned way. And it’s a really good time ovulation-
wise. Like actually today’s perfect.

JACOB
Okay, well, so a couple things spring to mind. A couple things, maybe you should
know before we. . . I’m just going to need a couple of -- I’m going to need to kinda re-
calibrate my line of-- before I’m able to, you know? ‘Cause I was really in the ‘be a
good donor speciman’ headspace and now we’re veering into the ‘deliver the goods’
place. Which is a totally different sorta headspace. And I’m not saying it’s an
impossible migration. But it’s gonna take me a little re-grouping. And also, I, uh, I
like you Leigh. I’ve always liked you. I’m remembering now how much I liked you.
How really, really nice you are. And definitely very attractive. So, I hope that’s okay.
I mean I know this, what we’re proposing has a distinct aim and a purpose but, I just
needed to lay that out there.

LEIGH
The feeling is mutual.

JACOB
Okay.

LEIGH
Okay?

JACOB
Yep. Let’s have another beer.

5 SCENE : THE NEXT NIGHT - 11:30/MIDNIGHT 5

DARCY and JACOB sit across from each other. DARCY palms a tumbler of
whiskey. The bottle sits nearby. JACOB clutches a beer.
 The Kid Thing 76.

DARCY drinks.

DARCY
I know it’s late.

JACOB
No, it sounded like you had something. . . on your mind. Something important.

DARCY
I figured. You know, what the hell, I’ll shoot you a text. You answer. You answer.
You know. Up to you.

JACOB
Yeah. No problem. And again, I feel terrible about missing you last night.

DARCY
I know, I think that was really unfortunate.

JACOB
But I get it--sounds like you got held up.

DARCY
Yeah. I did.

JACOB
But at any rate, I’m really glad you texted me.

DARCY
Yeah, I thought I would reach out. I heard all about your night with Leigh.

JACOB
Oh, good, yeah, then it’s probably a good idea that we have a little check-in, make sure
that everything’s kosher, so to speak, between us. I wouldn’t want there to be any. . .
you know stuff--

DARCY
What do you mean?

JACOB
I mean, I just want to make sure we’re copacetic.

DARCY
As far as I can tell.
 The Kid Thing 77.

JACOB
Good. Just checking. Before we all hang out on Sunday. Which I think is great that
Leigh and Nate worked that out.

DARCY
Yeah, Jacob, I’m so looking forward to that. Leigh conveyed how interested she was
in you being our donor but before we went any further, I just thought you and I should
be on the same page about a few things.

JACOB
Before we went further?

DARCY
With the donor decision.

JACOB
Oh. I see.

DARCY
I thought you would. Sometimes it’s a little hard to convey these kind of things to
Leigh, she gets a little--well, emphatic.

JACOB
I had forgotten that about her.

DARCY
When Leigh wants something, she drives hard.

JACOB
Oh, she does.

DARCY
And while that’s great. Sometimes I like to step back and consider all-sides.
Don’t misunderstand me. I love her. I do. She’s one in a million. Solid head on her
shoulders. Really reliable. And , like I said, very driven in the kid thing department.
She’s the type that once she gets an idea in her head there’s no turning back. You
know that type? That dogged determinism?

JACOB
Sounds like Leigh.

DARCY
So the reason I wanted to chat with you Jacob, is just this: while I know that you and
Leigh have a connection. Have a special sim-patico going on. It’s equally important for
me to feel comfortable with you. ‘Cause the thing is-- you’re sorta--well in a
traditional sense. You’re going to be my stand-in. As it were.
 The Kid Thing 78.

JACOB
I suppose that’s one way to look at it.

DARCY
That’s the way I’m looking at it.

JACOB
I hope you don’t feel like you’re in competition with me? ‘Cause I’m not, in anyway,
trying to be something you’re not.

DARCY
I’m not in competition.

JACOB
Good. Good.

DARCY
I can’t compete with you.

JACOB
I was just checking.

DARCY
That’s ridiculous. I know that’s ridiculous. You’re a testosterone pumping, sperm
producing, ball scratching man. I have no desire to be any of those things.

JACOB
Okay.

DARCY stares him down.

DARCY
The thing I’m driving towards here, Jacob, is that ultimately, ultimately, this isn’t going
to be a good fit.

JACOB
In terms of?

DARCY
This isn’t going to work out.

JACOB
You don’t want me to be your donor?

DARCY
Pretty much.
 The Kid Thing 79.

JACOB
But what about Leigh? She seemed very resolved--

DARCY
Well, this is all my call.

JACOB
Was it something I said? I don’t think we talked about much.

DARCY
No.

JACOB
‘Cause if it was, I would want to be able to clear the air.

DARCY
No. It’s nothing you said.
I don’t want to share a sperm donor.

JACOB
Oh.

DARCY
You’re not a roofer for Christ sake. We didn’t pull you off of Angie’s List.

JACOB
Okay, that makes sense.

DARCY
I was hoping you would understand.

JACOB
I do.

DARCY
Good. But of course this isn’t without complications, right?

JACOB
Exactly.

DARCY
Leigh is so fixated on you and I guess that well, you know Leigh, so I don’t have to
spell it out. But I would really appreciate if you could do me a favor.

JACOB
What’s that?
 The Kid Thing 80.

DARCY
I’d like you to tell Leigh it’s off.

JACOB
I’m sorry?

DARCY
I really need you to tell Leigh it’s not going to happen.

JACOB
You want me --

DARCY
Yeah. It’d be better coming from you.

JACOB
And why’s that?

DARCY
She’s not going to hear it coming from me. She’s made up her mind. And I don’t
need to be the bad guy in this. I’m not the bad guy.

JACOB
You want me to talk to her? For you?

DARCY
If it’s not an option for her to have the same sperm donor as Nate and Margot then
she’ll start looking elsewhere. And to be totally honest with you. That was one of the
largest factors in her decision.

JACOB
Really? She said that?

DARCY
She didn’t need to. I know Leigh.

JACOB
Uh-huh. I know her too.

DARCY
Well, I know her a lot better than you do pal.

JACOB
And you’ve decided this. Because you don’t want to have the same donor as--
 The Kid Thing 81.

DARCY
There is no fucking way.

JACOB sets down his beer.

JACOB
So, here’s the thing. I’m kinda in a major bind. I already... told Leigh I wanted to be
your donor.

DARCY
We can work around that, just say you’ve reconsidered.

JACOB
But I haven’t.

DARCY
Tell Leigh you you’ve thought about it and you only want to be the father of one kid--

JACOB
Except for the part where that’s not true.

DARCY
Tell her you aren’t interested in being sucked in to the it-takes-a-lesbo-village reality.
Granted say that nicer. But then she’ll have to respect that. Your sperm can make
seven thousand other kids for all I care, but not Leigh’s. Got that?

JACOB
I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I think there is something about me that Leigh
wants to --

DARCY
For Christ sakes we’ll find someone who went to Harvard and speaks Arabic and is
an Olympic diver.

JACOB
Listen, Darcy, I respect your. . .opinion. Your position. But I think. Well. I owe it to
Leigh to, you know, tell her the truth.

DARCY
The truth is you don’t think this is a very good idea anymore. And I don’t mean this to
sound the way it’s going to sound, but I’d love to compensate you for your co-
operation.
 The Kid Thing 82.

JACOB
Yeah, that won’t be necessary.

DARCY
Listen, I know how it is to be in a tight spot. And I’d like to show you some good will.
That’s all.

JACOB
I’m not going to take your money. I need to discuss this with Leigh.

DARCY
No, no, no. I don’t think I’m being clear. I’m asking you to bow out of this gracefully.
Okay?

JACOB
I can’t help but feel that you’ve been premature in your reaction. I don’t know if it’s
possible, but I’d like to try and construct a scenario where you both could get what you
want. Let me walk you through a ‘for instance.’

DARCY
Jacob in your next life when you come back as a big ole dyke of child-bearing years
you can walk through all the ‘for instances’ you like. But until then there is nothing
left for us to discuss. That clear enough?

(long pause.)

JACOB
I’ll talk to Leigh. If that’s what you want. I can talk to Leigh.

DARCY
On second thought, as long as we are talking this through, I think it would be better if
you just spoke to all of us. When we’re all together. Keep it a group thing. Instead of
a you and Leigh thing.

JACOB
I’d like to keep it just between me and Leigh.

DARCY
The group thing is less personal. I think it’s important that you stay philosophical in
your reasoning. Here’s how I’d like this to go. You come to the meeting with a change
of heart. After some serious thinking. This double dipping thing isn’t sitting well.
You hate to disappoint anyone. And you really love us all. Leigh’s going to make a
beautiful mother. Definitely mention that, ‘cause no matter what you say, there’s going
to be a tinge of rejection.
 The Kid Thing 83.

So, emphasize how much this is all “your” thing and has nothing to do with “us”. You
hope we all understand. Okay? You got that? You want me to write it down for you?

JACOB
No, that won’t be necessary.

DARCY
You sure?

JACOB
I got it.

DARCY
I know you do. Jacob, I can say this, honestly. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. ‘Cause
the thing I can already tell, just from the short time we’ve known each other, is that you
got a real ethical spine. I respect that about you. You aren’t a bull-shitter. I had a
feeling you would grasp the situation. To it’s fullest. And would do the right thing.
So thank you Jacob. For doing me this solid.
(beat)
And it goes without saying, we didn’t have this little discussion.
Can I get you a beer for the road?

JACOB
No. Thanks. I’m fine.

JACOB heads for the door.

6 SCENE: A FEW DAYS LATER - SUNDAY 6

LEIGH , NATE, MARGOT and DARCY all assembled in the apartment.

There is a complicated dip on the table. A cheese plate.

And two open bottles of wine.

Neither MARGOT nor LEIGH are drinking.

NATE
I know we all share a similar -- well, we all value education. Right? Like it’s
formative. It’s really part of our identity.

DARCY
Yeah, Nate--
 The Kid Thing 84.

LEIGH
Darce, dont’ interrupt.

DARCY
Sorry, was there more? I thought that was it. Was that it?

NATE
Well, in a nutshell.

DARCY
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off. Show of hands. Who values education?

They all raise their hands.

MARGOT
Right. So. Education. Very important.

DARCY
What’s next on the agenda?

LEIGH
Well, I think Nate’s got some more exploratory follow-ups to that.
For instance: you guys might be in a position to go the private pre-school route.

NATE
We’re leaning private right now.

LEIGH
Maybe the JCC, right Margot?

MARGOT
I’m not in love with the JCC near our place.

LEIGH
Alright, but, even though we’re not observant, I mean, that might be the best decision,
given that--well, I’m jumping into the religion discussion.

DARCY
That’s going to be a very short discussion.

NATE
Let’s hold off on that for a minute.

DARCY
Are you guys going to start doing the whole church thing?
 The Kid Thing 85.

LEIGH
Nate’s right, let’s take one thing at a time.

MARGOT
Back up--we’re talking about sharing a donor. Right?

NATE
Yes, hon--

MARGOT
Okay, well I’m not sure what that has to do with sending our kids to the same
preschools.

LEIGH
We’re just discussing our thoughts about education.

MARGOT
I think early childhood education is paramount, but is the point of this to have a united
front? Cause, I don’t think we need to agree on everything. It’s not like we’re going
to be co-parenting or something.

NATE
We’ll it sorta is.

MARGOT
Sorta how?

NATE
I mean they’re going to be like half-siblings.

LEIGH
Step-siblings.

MARGOT
Co-parenting is a very different discussion than sharing a donor. Is that what you guys
are proposing?

DARCY
Co-parenting. There’s a leap.

NATE
I don’t think we’re proposing anything right now--

LEIGH
Maybe as long as we have the co-parenting language on the table, maybe we should
explore what that means.
 The Kid Thing 86.

DARCY shoots her a look.

NATE
Would it be something you guys would be open to?

MARGOT shoots NATE a look. “Are you insane?”

MARGOT
I don’t know what that would even mean. They take the kids on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays. We’ll take Tuesday, Thursday. With alternating weekends
and shared holidays?

DARCY
Wow.

NATE
We’ve already set up holidays in Baltimore with my mom and Jacob’s folks.

LEIGH
Both Christmas and Thanksgiving?

NATE
Yeah. If you guys wanted to join us. That’d be great. And of course your families
would be welcome. Right Margot?

MARGOT
We should check in with your folks first.

NATE
C’mon my mom’s super easy about that shit.

LEIGH
I’m sure my parents would love to go to Baltimore.

DARCY
Okay, but who in their right mind would agree to spend holidays with two more sets of
in-laws? I wouldn’t want to burden you guys with my dysfunctional family and
Leigh’s hyperfunctional family.

NATE
If you don’t want to do holidays that’s cool, but we’ve talked to Jacob about being a
presence. We feel like it’s important.

LEIGH
That’s not what we’re saying.
 The Kid Thing 87.

DARCY
No, I’m just thinking through the logistics. I mean this is quite a crew we’re talking
about, ten, twelve, fourteen --we’re going to have to rent out a party room at the Olive
Garden. Thank god for the unlimited breadsticks.

MARGOT
Uh, I think we need to slow down for a minute.

LEIGH
No one’s committing to anything.

MARGOT
I know, I know, but I think we’re like racing ahead.

DARCY
Margot’s right. All of a sudden some Jesse guy is determining who I spend my
holidays with.

LEIGH
Jacob. His name is Jacob.

DARCY
Right. That’s what I meant.

NATE
Let’s go back to the shared donor idea.

LEIGH
Good move. Circle the wagons.

NATE
I think what we’re trying to talk about is. . . well, what if there were some decisions
that would be entirely yours and Leigh’s to make. And then there also were some
decisions that we’d all like to be involved in. If so, what are they?

NATE looks to MARGOT.

MARGOT
Well, we think the number one decision is transparency.

LEIGH
And you think that’s a decision we all should make together?

DARCY
Transparency?
 The Kid Thing 88.

NATE
Where are you guys on transparency?

DARCY looks to LEIGH

DARCY
Where are we on transparency?

LEIGH
We’re open to it. There are still some pros and cons. And you guys?

NATE
Okay, well, we’re all for it.

DARCY
You are?

NATE
Absolutely.

DARCY
Why?

NATE
‘Cause Jacob’s the kid’s bio-dad.

DARCY
Bio-dad-- that’s what you call him.

NATE
Yes, and he’s a great guy. We picked a terrific guy to be the kid’s bio-dad and I would
not want to have to hide that under a bushel, so to speak. You know?

MARGOT
And because we would like to have a positive male role model in the child’s life.

NATE
Just wait until you meet Jacob. He’s a great guy.

LEIGH
He really is.
 The Kid Thing 89.

DARCY
Okay, I believe you. I’m sure I’m going to love him. But I love Chad Freidman. He’s
my health insurance broker. I see him once a year. We always grab a beer. He’s got
an amazing vinyl collection. Chad’s a great guy. But if he were to give me his sperm
does that mean I would want to hang out with him on 4th of July? Not especially. No,
not at all.

LEIGH
We’re not talking about Chad Friedman. We’re talking about transparency. Keep up,
Darcy.

NATE
Transparency might not work for you. And that’s fine.

MARGOT
But it’s a non-negotiable for us. I don’t see how we could be transparent with our
donor and have you guys stay anonymous.

LEIGH
Right. That would be ridiculous.

MARGOT
But it’s a huge issue.

NATE
It took us a while to come to our position.

MARGOT
If you’re not comfortable Darcy, you might just want slow things down.

LEIGH
We don’t need to slow down. We’re not slowing down. We’re having a baby.

MARGOT
Leigh, another year won’t make that much of a difference.

LEIGH
Yeah, well, actually it will. At this point my eggs are aging in dog years.

MARGOT
If you’re worried about it, you could freeze your eggs.

NATE
Yeah, harvest your eggs.
 The Kid Thing 90.

DARCY
Can we please stop saying eggs?

MARGOT
Leigh, I know you are feeling some pressure, but it’s amazing how different things can
seem even six months from now.

LEIGH
Listen I’m not about to be the proverbial silver fox in my fucking Lamaze class. I’m
just not. Okay?
(recovering a bit)
Darce treats every life decision as if she were a special guest on Hardball. We’re okay
with transparency. Right Darce?

DARCY
Sure. We’re A. O. K. with transparency.

Doorbell rings. DARCY retreats to the kitchen or somewhere far, far away from
the door.

LEIGH is clearly shaken. Pissed off. She rearranges the cheese platter.

NATE
I can get that. You want me to get that?

NATE doesn’t wait for an answer, she’s heading to the door.

JACOB enters.

NATE
Jacob! Great to see you man.

LEIGH
(all smiles, total recovery)
Come in, come in.

JACOB
Hey, sorry, I’m late.

NATE
No, you’re great.

MARGOT has gotten up.

MARGOT
Good to see you Jacob.
 The Kid Thing 91.

JACOB
Oh, yeah, hey. How’s it -- how’re you feeling?

MARGOT
Couldn’t be better. Chugging along like a good slow cooker.

LEIGH
And I don’t think you and Darcy have met yet.

LEIGH ushers DARCY over. She complies. Forceful and confident.

JACOB shakes her hand.

DARCY
Hey, sorry I missed you last week. We had a client catastrophe. I really feel like a
douche about it.

JACOB
No worries. I know how that stuff works.

DARCY
You bend over for ass-hole clients too, huh?

JACOB
Oh, I meant -- life is chaotic sometimes. What’s your line of work?

LEIGH
Darcy’s in PR.

DARCY
We’re a media company that produces content for a global market.

LEIGH
Which is basically PR.

JACOB
That’s cool.

DARCY
Well it’s not like I’m inventing a cure for cancer or working on world peace or
anything. What do you do?

LEIGH
Jacob’s a--how do you explain it?
 The Kid Thing 92.

JACOB
I’m a peace worker.

DARCY
That’s a good one.

JACOB
No, actually, that’s what I do.

DARCY
Really? That’s a job?

LEIGH
Of course it is, we know peace workers.

DARCY
We do?

LEIGH
Cheryl worked for Amnesty.

DARCY
Oh, right. Do you work for Amnesty?

JACOB
No. I don’t work for an NGO.

DARCY
So, what do you do?

JACOB
I work for peace. Non-violent resolutions. That sort of thing.

DARCY
And that pays you money?

LEIGH
(warning)
Darcy. It’s a profession.

DARCY
I know. I know it’s a profession. And how long you been into peace. Like as a
profession?
 The Kid Thing 93.

JACOB
It’s always been an interest. But I went back for grad studies about five years ago.

DARCY
Wow.

JACOB
Yeah. It’s really interesting work.

NATE
He ran an after-school drop-in center in Prague. Like for abused kids.

DARCY
You were making peace in Prague.

JACOB
I was.

DARCY
But now you’re here. You’re stateside. And are you still working in peace?

JACOB
I’m trying to figure that out. Looking into several options. Various organizations.
Both in Baltimore and of course, now in Chicago.

LEIGH
You’re interviewing for jobs here? That’s fantastic.

JACOB
Yeah, well, you know, casting the net wide. But I’m very open to ending up in
Chicago. And if not full-time, I’m working on finding a job with flex-time. Flex-time
is a major factor.

DARCY
Flex-time.

JACOB
It would be nice to be more available to you guys.

NATE
We’re going to need all the help we can get.

MARGOT
That’s for sure.
 The Kid Thing 94.

DARCY
To all of us?

JACOB
Yeah, naturally. I wouldn’t want it to be a major hassle to drop in. You know. When
needed or for certain occasions.

MARGOT
We were just talking about that before you got here. Holidays and what your
expectations would be. That sort of thing.

JACOB
(to NATE)
I hope you reminded them that I make some mean pies.

NATE
It’s the first thing Leigh said about you.

LEIGH
Was not. It was the second.

MARGOT
Since you and Nate and I have worked through various aspects of your role in our
family, we were just beginning to catch Leigh and Darcy up on things that were
important to us. Naturally, your relationship would be different with them, but we
were trying to ascertain what were our essential truths, so to speak.

JACOB
And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that.

DARCY
That’s really understandable.

MARGOT
And just so you know we certainly haven’t formed a consensus. But maybe you could
talk about what we’ve come up with and then we’ll springboard off that.

JACOB
Sure, sure. As I’ve told them, I’m so glad to be doing this, because I think they would
make beautiful parents. And I think the same of you Leigh.

LEIGH
That’s sweet of you Jacob.
 The Kid Thing 95.

DARCY
That’s what I say, Leigh’s going to make a beautiful mother.

JACOB
Well, it’s true. So the arrangement we’ve worked out is that Nate and Margot would be
doing the primary parenting And so, to that end, rather than being a quote unquote
father figure I’ve committed to being a really engaged sort of uncle figure.

NATE
Uncle Jacob.

LEIGH
And what does that mean to you guys?

JACOB
I would defer to them in all things. But I’d still want to be able to voice an opinion.
And of course help out with some baby-sitting if I’m local. So you guys could have a
night off. Organize outings. Apple picking. Face-painting at the Art Institute. That
sort of thing. Definitely the opera. Classical music’s a must. Right?

LEIGH
No doubt about it--

JACOB
Or camping trips if they are into that sort of thing.

NATE
Which is great, ‘cause Margot and I hate camping.

JACOB
So yeah, that’s how we’re thinking it’s going to work. The general vision.

LEIGH
It’s a fantastic one.

DARCY
That’s your arrangement with Nate and Margot. Got it.

JACOB
And after thinking through things over the last couple of days, I’ve found myself
landing more firmly on some philosophical questions.

DARCY
Right. Lotta stuff to think about.
 The Kid Thing 96.

JACOB
Let me put it this way, the shared donor arrangement may seem a little unorthodox--

DARCY
Unorthodox is a good way to put it.

JACOB
But I’m really ready to take it on. I’m a firm believer in the ‘it takes a village’
mentality. The ‘all hands on deck approach.

DARCY
I see.

JACOB
And I don’t know if you guys have gotten into this--but the contract Nate and Margot
put together. Might be a good place to start. A good template to look at.

LEIGH
Oh, we’d love to.

NATE
We have a great lawyer. With these killer tatoos. Where did we find her?

MARGOT
Through Lamda.

DARCY
Okay. So, just to understand. You’d like that to be the arrangement for all of us?
That’s what you’re proposing Jacob?

JACOB
There might be some specifics -- health care questions, that sort of thing that would be
different for you guys. But that’s the role, in general, I’d like to have in these kids lives.

DARCY
In the plural?

JACOB
I’m not sure how many you each want to have.

NATE
Well, Margot’s nixed my dream of a basketball squad.
 The Kid Thing 97.

DARCY
So, that’s the serious thinking you’ve been doing?

JACOB
Well, yeah, I just wanted you to know that I am readily interested in helping out. In a
tangible way.

LEIGH
I think that sounds like our ideal, Jacob. We couldn’t have outlined it better ourselves.

JACOB
Good. Good. I’m glad.

DARCY
Yeah, I’m so glad you’ve expounded here on your vision of things I think that’s going
to be very helpful. And I just want to say. You seem like a really great guy. Really
great. And I’m someone who tends to have two classifications of people: ass-holes or
dbags.

MARGOT
It’s an expansive world-view.

DARCY
It’s just, in my personal experience, there are very, very few stand-up, heart of gold, do
right by you, sorta guys out there. But you definitely appear to be one of them.

JACOB
Thank you Darcy.

NATE
Did I tell you?

DARCY
Would you mind if I ask a few follow-ups? Just some clarifications?

JACOB
Shoot. That’s what I’m here for.

LEIGH
We’re going to have a million things to talk about.

DARCY
Okay. Well, let’s start with the flex-time.
Do you think you’re going to find a job with all that flex-time? I mean, that’s a lot of
flex-time. I mean my flex-time barely gives me a night off .
 The Kid Thing 98.

LEIGH
Darcy’s not overly familiar with flex-time.

DARCY
Well, the whole peace profession is brand new to me. Totally foreign. Are you saying
you could fly up for those dentist appointments. And potty training successes. Or if
Leigh and I have another spider in the laundry room incident? We could give you a
call about that?

MARGOT
Don’t worry Jacob. Darcy’s brand of sarcasm is an acquired taste. Like single malt
scotch.

NATE
She’s really hilarious once you get used to it.

DARCY
I guess the other thing I’d like you to talk to us about. And it’s kinda personal but, are
you kinda in a questioning place yourself?

JACOB
Excuse me?

MARGOT
Are you gay?

JACOB
Uh, no. Not at all.

DARCY
Oh, come on, not at all. Who’s ‘not at all’ gay? Everyone’s got a little bit of homo in
them.

JACOB
I mean, I’m into women. I don’t have any thing against, clearly I absolutely support
gay--

DARCY
Clearly because you’re giving us your sperm?

JACOB
I might be missing the question.

NATE
I’m not sure why it matters?
 The Kid Thing 99.

LEIGH
It doesn’t to us.

DARCY
I was only asking ‘cause I get the feeling you are single. That true?

JACOB
Yep.

NATE
It’s not a crime to be single.

DARCY
But such a smart, handsome, clearly sensitive guy like yourself. You’re a catch. Won’t
be single for long.

JACOB
Truth be told I got a little burned. I’m taking it easy.

DARCY
Okay but when you do jump back into the game, get yourself into a committed sorta
thing, have you considered how you’re going to have to be like, “oh, yeah hon there’s
a couple things we should discuss before this goes any further. How should I put this?
I’m kinda the father of two kids that are being raised by a quartet of lesbians. But
really honey, it’s not as Big Love as it sounds.”

JACOB
If you’re uncomfortable with something --

LEIGH
No, no, god no. We couldn’t be happier. This is just a discussion. We’re discussing
the hypothetical. Please don’t take this personally.

NATE
The rest of us just know you so much better than Darcy.

DARCY
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot with your lady troubles. I just wouldn’t
want this set-up to hinder your love life.

JACOB
I think it’s just part of who I am. Kinda like when you have kids from previous
marriages.
 The Kid Thing 100.

LEIGH
Maybe you could tell us a little bit more about your family history. Or hear about ours.
I’ve got a slew of heart disease and high cholesterol. But so far so good on the mental
illness front. What about you?

NATE
That was so wacked, when we starting putting that stuff together, Margot and I were
checking every single box-- diabetes, epilepsy, you name it we had it. And you were
like, “asthma and flat feet.” That’s it.

JACOB
The McClinton’s are hearty stock. Lot of longevity. Can’t get rid of too easily I guess.

DARCY
Right, which makes me just wonder-- let me put it this way -- do you think your genes
are worth replicating?

MARGOT
What are you getting at?

LEIGH
Yeah, what are you getting at?

DARCY
I’m not saying you think you’re genetically superior or anything fascist like that. Well,
okay, a little fascist. Maybe you’re feeling like you don’t want to deprive the world of
your DNA treasure trove?

NATE
Are you calling him a fascist?

DARCY
I’m just asking if you are carrying around thoughts of your genetic supremacy. And if
you are I think we should know something like that.

LEIGH
Jacob, listen, could you excuse us just for a minute?

MARGOT
Darcy’s a little confused, she thought we were having a mock trail at the Hague, not a
donor discussion.

DARCY
I’m sorry. I put myself in your shoes. And there are a limited number of reasons I
walk into a fertility clinic and wank off into a dixie cup.
 The Kid Thing 101.

NATE
Yeah, maybe we should get a little air.

NATE is up and ushering JACOB out the door.

JACOB
My motivation is really simple Darcy. Why wouldn’t I give up my sperm?
Philosophically it’s selfish not to. It’s like donating blood. Yeah, it’s your blood but
why should you dictate who gets it? You produce more blood than you need. There
are people out there -- be it the Dali Lama or some serial killer -- who need blood.
Give them some of yours. End of story.

LEIGH
That’s a very admirable ideology, Jacob.

DARCY
Just goes to show, you think you know someone. I don’t know about the rest of you,
but this is a child we’re talking about. Not a blood transfusion.

MARGOT
That’s not what he’s saying--

DARCY
You’ve got a ton of nerve, waltzing into my house, spouting off your altruistic bullshit.
Assuming just because you deign to give me an ounce of your jizz you know what’s
good for me or for my family. Is it the ball sack hanging between your legs that makes
you think you’re even in my league? ‘Cause from what I can gather you’re just an
smug, entitled, lying son-of-a-bitch, who can’t keep a girl or a job and runs back to
mommy when times get a little tough. Sorry pal, not the stand-in I’m looking for.

LEIGH
What the fuck is wrong with you?

JACOB
Yeah, you’ve obviously got some untenable trust issues here. I’m going take off. Give
you guys some space.

JACOB heads out.

NATE
I’m so sorry man.

MARGOT
Bye Jacob.

JACOB exits.
 The Kid Thing 102.

There is a long silence.

MARGOT
We going to go.

LEIGH
First Darcy’s going to apologize.

DARCY
Listen, I know my temper got the better of me there.

LEIGH
Oh, you think?

DARCY
Leigh I’m apologizing for . . .

LEIGH
For what? For being a complete ass-hole?

MARGOT
That was so un-neccessary.

NATE
Fucking unbelievable.

LEIGH
(to DARCY)
Why didn’t you just come out and say it?

DARCY
Say what?

LEIGH
That you didn’t want kids.

DARCY
That’s not true.

NATE
Coulda fooled me.

LEIGH
You want kids Darcy?
 The Kid Thing 103.

DARCY
I love kids.

LEIGH
Hey Nate, if you want kids, what do you need?

DARCY
(defusing)
Okay, Leigh.

LEIGH
Sperm! You need sperm.

MARGOT
We’re going to head out.

LEIGH
I’d love you to stay and maybe explain to Darcy, since I’m too stupid to get through to
her, that this is what lesbians do to have babies and have since the fucking 70s.

DARCY
Leigh, I understand that.

LEIGH
At what point did you decide to sabotage that meeting? Or was that your plan all along?

DARCY
Because I have a couple of concerns?

MARGOT
This is just willful ignorance.

LEIGH
One final time, do you want to have a baby?

DARCY
Leigh. . . I’m telling you it’s not a yes or no question.

NATE
No, actually it is. And Leigh deserves an answer.

DARCY
I’m warning you, back off, Nate.

LEIGH
Just look me in the face and tell me no.
 The Kid Thing 104.

DARCY
Leigh, it’s not that simple.

LEIGH
You couldn’t handle theoretical. Fine. Guess what? No more theoretical. I went out
and got us some sperm. I slept with Jacob.

NATE
You what?

LEIGH
I slept with Jacob.

MARGOT
You what?

DARCY
You slept with Jacob?

NATE
Holy shit.

LEIGH
When you wouldn’t take off work to meet with him. When you made absolutely no
attempt to show up for this.

DARCY
How could you have--

LEIGH
I wanted you to show up.

NATE
You guys might have mentioned this before today--

DARCY
That mother-fucker--

LEIGH
(to Darcy)
I wanted a baby. But you don’t.

DARCY
(in a hoarse whisper)
Of course I do. But that doesn’t matter. What I want. That’s besides the point.
 The Kid Thing 105.

MARGOT
Then what’s the point?

There is an excruciating silence.

DARCY
What’s your kid going to call you Nate?

NATE
Uh, Mom?

DARCY
What about Margot?

MARGOT
I’m going to be Mama.

DARCY
And don’t you think that’s going to be -- confusing?

MARGOT
Mom sounds very different than Mama.

DARCY
I don’t mean linguistically. But like conceptually. You have a mother and a father.
And you have a mother and a father.

NATE
My dad checked out when I was three.

MARGOT
What do you mean by conceptually?

DARCY
One person who gave birth to them. One person who has that motherly intuition. That
maternal pull.

MARGOT
Cause I pushed the kid out?

NATE
Jesus Christ.
 The Kid Thing 106.

DARCY
Just ‘cause Nate’s going to be called ‘mom’ isn’t going to make her THE mom. No
offense Nate. But it’s not real, it’s an artifice. It’s this total homosexual invention.

LEIGH
What are you talking about? She’s the kid’s mother?

DARCY
Margot is the mom, no matter how many ways you try to spin it. And you’re the
closest thing that kid has to a dad.

NATE
What the fuck’s your point?

DARCY
All I’m saying is one of the parents assumes that maternal thing. You can’t split that
up.

MARGOT
This is unbelievable. We’re in the fucking 21st century.

DARCY
When you ask me if I want kids, what you’re asking me is if I want to be some
watered down version of a mother.

LEIGH
Is this about biology?

DARCY
You’re still always going to be the mom. Like Margot. I’m being honest. It’s how
the world works.

LEIGH
It’s how your world works.

DARCY
Fine! Fine! It’s how my world works. And it’s also how the world works. You’re
asking if I want to bring a baby into my world. Here’s my world. Just last week I’m
out to lunch, very classy place. Mod. West loop. I get up to use the restroom. And
the maitre’d ushers me to the mens. And I smile. I’m wearing a dress shirt, pants, nice
Ferragamo shoes. No jacket. I smile and walk into the ladies where I encounter two
Lincoln Park types working on their hair. They stare at me and say, out loud, “Don’t
worry, I think it’s a girl.” It!

LEIGH
You’re going to let some homophobic ass-holes keep you from having a kid?
 The Kid Thing 107.

DARCY
No it has nothing to do with being gay. It has to do with being me, in the world.
Walking around like this. This ‘it’. This him/her. Nate knows what I’m talking about.
I think I’m a woman. I feel like a woman. I would want a kid to call me mom. But
what if, god forbid, I was traveling with the kid --and you know airport are worst.
Have you ever had to argue with TSA that, no, you really needed a female scan? And
have them argue back until you just took the male scan. I’m going to put a kid through
that? How many times is that kid going to hear me called ‘sir’ or ‘mister’ or be
referred to as his ‘daddy?’ You want me to put a kid through that? Really? I know
this shit happens to you Nate just as often as it happens to me. And truth be told, I
think you’re either absolutely insane to do that to a kid that or in massive denial.

NATE
Don’t you know that kids are resilient. You’d just be their parent. And the rest of the
world could go screw themselves.

DARCY
Sure maybe it’s fine until the kid is like five or six. But fast-forward. I’m on the
sidelines for a t-ball game. And the other kids are like, “is that a man or a woman.”
And our kid has to be like, “that’s my mom.” Or worse. Pretend they don’t know me.
Cause it’s too mortifying.

LEIGH
Or that kid would love you. And would be proud of all the things you bring to their
life.

DARCY
Uh-huh. That’s all well and good for you Leigh. And for Margot.

MARGOT
And for Nate.

NATE
It’s okay hon.

MARGOT
You don’t think that what a kid need most is two or maybe more adults in their life.
Giving them comfort. Helping them to learn how the world works. Fostering their --

DARCY
It’s one thing for me to be like this with a partner. That’s two adults with coping
skills. But you bring children into it. I mean, why should they have to negotiate all
that shit?
 The Kid Thing 108.

LEIGH
Because you’d be their parent?! Are you saying gay people shouldn’t have kids?

DARCY
No, I’m saying that gay people that look like me shouldn’t have kids.

NATE
Or me.

They all sit with this for a minute

NATE
You know what Darce. Just for the record, I’m not in denial. I don’t know how you
walk through the world like I do and manage to be in denial. How you could think
someone who got the shit kicked out of them at a 7-11 in Aurora. Who gets spit at and
called a faggot and cocksucker by drunk frat boys in Wrigleyville. Or who’s had
security called when trying to use the women’s dressing room at T.J.Maxx. And
pretty shitty as all those things were, they don’t hold a candle to what you just said to
me.
If I didn’t feel so sorry for you. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself.

NATE gets up. MARGOT makes a move to follow.

NATE
I’ll be in the car.

DARCY
I wasn’t trying to be hurtful. That’s how I feel.

MARGOT
You might want to do yourself a favor and just stop saying that for a minute. If I was
being really, really generous. And that’s a little difficult right now, I might be able to
see that you’re just so fucking frightened you can’t see your way out of it. I hope for
both of your sakes you do. But what you just said, that right there is our game
changer, if it wasn’t over before, it’s over now. That’s the kind of shit which will not
only kill you, it’s the kind of shit I want to keep my kid seven thousand miles away
from.

MARGOT leaves.

DARCY
Leigh, it’s not what it sounds like.

LEIGH
Do you think I’m blind? Do you think I didn’t know?
 The Kid Thing 109.

DARCY
I’m telling you. Nothing happened--

LEIGH
Stop Darce. I live with you. I know you. And I don’t want to talk about her. This isn’t
about her.

DARCY
Please let’s just forget this ever--

LEIGH
I know what it’s like to be in this world with you.

DARCY
Leigh, I wasn’t explaining it right--

LEIGH
I am such an idiot. I thought you just needed the baby to become real.

DARCY
God, you just pushed and pushed.

LEIGH
But baby or no-baby, I’m just not enough for you. I’ve never been enough for you.

DARCY
Please don’t make this about you. It’s not. It’s all my thing.

LEIGH
It’s our thing. Our fucking life. When I talked to you about having a baby, what I was
talking about was wanting to share a whole new life with you.

DARCY
I can’t change the way that I feel, I wish I could. For you. And for me.

LEIGH
I want so badly for you to let go of all that suffocating anger. It’s all I want for you
Darce. It’s all I want. But since you can’t, what do we have left?

LEIGH leaves.

DARCY sits alone.

End of play.